#i just remembered this from like last year though and it was a surprisingly ummmm coherent conversation w my grandpa

[captn-lovelace]

my 80-something conservative-ish rural white grandpa only has like 5 tv channels and one is fox news. during the early pandemic lockdown, he didnt get radicalized by fox news, he’s actually disgusted by their covid denial and anti-vax promo. i can only imagine its bc my dad (his son) is a more trusted source to him than fox.

anyway, last time i talked to my grandpa i got to talk shit about fox news with him lmao it was great

[versatiletwink]

Thanks to @sophiesbimbofantasy for the inspiration!

CW: mindbreak, dubcon, CNC, bimbo/dumbification stuff, hypnosis, trans nsft (but NOT forced fem!) all other the cut.

Sophie knew she should read the contract carefully, she knew she held a sizable chunk of her fate in her hands, in the form of a pink ballpoint pen.

But for the life of her, she just couldn't summon the will to read the long, dry legalese. She knew how these things worked, big pharmaceutical companies like BIMCO. LLC had to protect themselves from liability, and the easiest way to do that was to pack their legal documents with jargon and subclauses and big words that people wouldn't read, and thus wouldn't think to sue over after the fact.

It wasn't that Sophie COULDN'T understand the text - she had just finished medical school at the top of her class, after all, and was among the brightest members of any friend group, cohort, or workplace she'd ever taken part in, and had a decent understanding of the legal system overall - it was that she just couldn't shake the nervous excitement promised by this trial drug.

And besides, maybe she'd prove a valuable data point. Sophie was trans, and surely the company would be interested in how its drug influenced a girl who was AMAB.

Sophie settled for scanning it. She'd done well on tests with less prep, she figured. Everything seemed to be in order: she'd be under the company's care for a year, given food and water and shelter and a living wage deposited in her bank account, as well as a monthly dose of the drug. She could opt out at any time, though doing so would hurt her credit score or something, probably through some financial wizardy. The company was not liable for any accidents or self-imposed predicaments, including but not limited to... yeah, OK, boilerplate stuff.

Fuck it.

She signed on the dotted line, and felt the sting of a needle in her neck before she finished sliding it across the dimly lit table, to the middle manager seated across from her.

"Damn you guys were really waiting in the wings with that, uh, yknow, that..."

The word escaped Sophie.

"The thingy. The juice you like, uh, put in me? I can feel it filling me!"

She stumbled through the end of the sentence, giggling at the euphamism.

Then she giggled some more. Objectively, she still knew it wasn't that funny, but she couldn't stop thinking about the implied sex: something being put inside her. Something white and wet filling her. Her mind wandered to the subject of creampies as she chuckled, then stayed there.

"It's kinda like, hehe-" she interupted herself with another snort. "Just like cum!"

"What did you say your name was?" Asked the man opposite her at the table.

Sophie blinked through a few more chuckles.

"Ummmm, I don't remember!" She blurted out, beaming absentmindedly. "Gimme a hint?"

The man smiled. He picked up the contract and waived it.

"For the next 365 days, your legal name is Slut."

Sophie just stared back, blissfully confused.

"That's like, a lonnnnnng time," was the last the she remembered saying as her mind went foggy.

The next month was a blur. Sophie literally couldn't remember a thing: the drug suppressed her ability to learn new information, but that meant her long-term memory was fucked in the process.

She remembered starting to come to, naked, back at the lab.

"You're injection's wearing off, hold still," was all the pretty man in the lab coat said before injecting her neck with more of that wonderful white fluid.

He didn't have time to step away before Sophie reached out and grabbed at his pants, her mouth gravitating toward his cock.

They were surprisingly easy to pull down. The slowly resurfacing rational part of Sophie's brain wondered if that was an intentional aspect of the uniform's design, before the drug kicked in and pushed such silly thoughts deep, deep away into her subconscious.

The next time she returned to self-awareness, Sophie was not in a lab, but staring down at a blonde woman with the proportions of a sex doll. The girl was lapping at Sophie's clit - weird, she didn't remember having a clit - before a prick to the back of the neck ripped awareness away once more.

The brief moments of coherence grew fewer and father between: A group of men pounding her in every hole, then a stranger cumming in her through a glory hole, then a far-too-big fuck machine stretching out her newly formed pussy, then a much shorter girl edging Sophie with a vibrator to the brink of madness, then the handsome scientist again, railing her on a balcony.

They were all Sophie could remember as she stared at the contract, 365 days later, fresh out of her mindfucked stupor.

It might as well have been 5 minutes since she signed the last form, based on her extremely limited memories. And yet, each one felt so euphoric, so deeply, intimately packed with lust that she didn't know if she even wanted to go back to her old life, to take the hospital position she knew she was waiting for if she just stood up and walked away.

This new contract was for 10 years. The company apparently no longer offered 1-year versions, as they tested a more developed version of the drug. Signing now would effecively give away the education, the career, the promising life she'd worked so hard for.

But fuck, it'd feel so hot.

Fuck it.

Sophie signed the contract in glittery pink ink, and giggled as she felt the warm sensation of a prick on the back of her neck.

I want to sign a contract for complete bimbofication for a set period of time. Make it the last thing that I am able to read before getting too dum. When the time is up I want to come back to myself and look at what a stupid whore I was and then have to admit that I'm better as a bimbo and I want to be that way forever.

[dramionecommentfest]

Reader Profile: Kiwi05622

The Dramione Comment Fest is the fest where readers take center stage! We’re excited to feature profiles of some of our readers throughout the course of the fest. First up, we have the most delightful and lovely @kiwi05622​!

Location: Middle East Hogwarts House: Slytherin Pronouns: she/her When did you start reading Dramione? How did you originally find fics to read?  I started reading in 2017… I think. Or was it 18? I'm not sure anymore. But one of those years lol! So yes, I'm still relatively new to the fandom. But I have devoured so much that it's come to the point where all the stories I've read have started to mingle with each other, and I can't tell you which story is which unless it had a massive impression on me and stood out. How did I find fics? I had this friend of mine, who was a closeted fic reader (I will never forgive her for not introducing me to this world sooner) that kept on dropping these obscure hints my way whenever Harry Potter would come up in our discussions, which was often. She would call me and ask what I'm doing, and my answer would either be, I'm reading HP, or watching one of the movies. She never once judged me or asked me why I'm spending so much time re-reading and rewatching, and I love her for that. One night, she got a little frustrated with me when I whined about NEEDING MORE of it, and she snapped. She was like KIWI JUST GIVE ME TWO CHARACTERS THAT YOU LOVE, and I shyly replied Hermione and Draco? She had the audacity to sigh (she is not a Dramione lover by any means). She sent me a link to Ao3 with a message "Welcome to my life, and I wish you luck stepping foot inside this black hole. Bye.” because I didn't know better. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, I clicked on the FIRST link I found, and this is how Bleak Manor by Pushthebutton became the first story that made me -surprisingly- fall in love with Dramione and fan fiction.  How have you gotten more involved in the Dramione community? What platforms/websites have you participated in, and which do you like? I'm not VERY involved in the fandom, if I'm honest. I'm an introvert by nature. Even though I started reading years ago, I only started joining Facebook groups last year. From there, I stumbled onto Tumblr (which was the weirdest platform I've ever been on, but now I LOVE IT), which then led me to Discord. This is where I'm currently stationed. I'm not as active as I used to be on Facebook. I also reached out to many people on Discord and found friends that I no longer call "internet friends," and I find it easier to communicate to authors over there.

Tell us about any reading preferences or practices!  Okay, I won't talk about my past habits, because looking back, it was really unhealthy. But I remember I used to read at every waking hour; I would only *sleep* to generate energy to keep ongoing: Goodbye food and social life. However, now, I dedicate time to reading, and it's usually 2 hours before I sleep. So I'll have dinner, and then open up my kindle and read until my eyes can't stay open. My days are usually spent talking to friends and doing many things that need to get done. I started off reading with my laptop until my boyfriend got annoyed by the bright lights emanating from my screen (honestly I didn't even think about reading from my phone). He later suggested reading from the iPad, and I stuck to that for a fair bit, until one night, I ran out of battery, and I couldn’t find the charger, so I reluctantly read from my phone, which I later obviously loved. I could read on the train, while making dinner, taking a walk (because we all need to exercise at some point). Then, after my boyfriend was SURE this wasn't just a phase, and I'll probably be reading for the rest of my life, he surprised me with a kindle, and the rest is history.  

Do you like to leave comments? If so, what is your advice for leaving comments?  If I'm completely honest with you, sometimes. I'm guilty of moving on from a chapter to chapter without taking a moment to comment. Telling myself that I'll go back and let the author know how much I enjoyed this part or that part. But I forget. Once I'm done with a story, I want to MOVE ON to the next one. However, in the past year, I've made an active effort to write down everything I feel on my phone while I read on my kindle, so I can go back and paste my review. That’s the other thing, I read SO much from my kindle, that it makes it so easy to forget to go back online and submit a review. And with Discord, I usually read with my friends, and sometimes the author will be there while we talk, theorise and flail all over their work. It's a much more interactive experience. I think authors would prefer that over a thank you. This isn't to say that a thank you doesn't go a long way or isn't appreciative, but honestly, how many times can an author say you're welcome? Or thank you for reading? This takes me to the second part of your question. The one advice I would give is, don't expect a response back. Do it because you genuinely liked it. Suppose we keep expecting and wanting the author to respond, especially if a chapter gets SO MANY reviews. In that case, it might seem disheartening to the reviewer, and they're left feeling unseen or that their review was lacking, which isn't the case most of the time. Tell them how it made you feel, which parts did you love, which string of emotion was plucked and left vibrating in your chest. Tell them that. But also, saying a simple thank you is enough. Personally, I would go to the last chapter and tell the author how much I've enjoyed their story if it's a story that was posted years or months back. If it's a story published years ago and they seem inactive, I would slide into their DMs and flail all over the story. You'd be surprised how many actually respond.

What is your all-time favorite fic you’ve read?  ALL TIME FAVOURITE is such a difficult question to answer. So I’ll compromise and tell you which one I really really really LOVE but also list a few that I can't be parted with. If my room was caught on fire and I had all these stories in front of me and I had to only choose ONE I would say Risk Reward Ratio by @MissiAmphetamine and its sequel! Okay, I know I cheated, but *sigh* honestly I love it. And I’m not sorry about it either. It's not what you would typically hear because it's not really a fluffy story and there are some questionable actions, plots and let’s not start discussing their relationship. But you see, I enjoy a story that questions my morals sometimes, where I find myself asking “what would I do in this situation?” Plus, as you’ll see below, I have a thing for angst with a happy ending. That being said, I also love love love these stories and they each hold meaning to me, because I've read them at various stages of my life: 

Redemption by @anondracomalfoy (wonderfully written story and very enjoyable!!! It’s a memory trope mixed with some suspense)

Revert by SUPRNTRAL LVR (this is when I found out that I can actually cry while reading a story lol) 

Remain Nameless by @heyjude19-writing (I will FOREVER love this story and no one can taint it for me. If you ONLY knew how much this story means to me *cough* I spent every moment I wasn’t reading this making her moodboards that's how much it moved me *cough*)

The Art of Betrayal by @hathawaywrites

Across The Hall by @takingflight48 (this one just hold a special place in my heart)

Thirteenth Night by Nelpher (This is the story that changed my mind about memory loss trope which is my LEAST favourite)

Nightmares and Nocturnes by @olivieblake (one of the most creative and unique war stories ever written)

Hindsight by @floorcoaster (This changed my mind about T rated stories)

Broken by @inadaze22 (this taught me a lesson to READ THE TAGS, but the pain was worth it)

Sugar and Spice by @inlovewithforever (ummmm do I need to say more? This is one of the best triads I've ever read)

Looking Glass by @kyonomiko​ (Every time I'm in a rut I go back to THIS and it never fails to bring me back to life and remind me why I fell in love with these two. It's light hearted, funny and has my second OTP. it's a win-win for me)

Find Your Way Back by @willhavetheirtrinkets​ (Musyc) (I will forever rec this story to everyone)

Pound of Flesh by @pennilynnovus​ (HELLO STRIPPER DRACO! This one tore my heart out, I love it!)

Honestly, the list can go on and on and on. There are just SO many good ones out there that I haven't mentioned yet, but I wanted to list only a few that I will always go back and re-read. Also, just because I haven't mentioned the ones that we keep seeing everywhere, doesn't mean I didn't enjoy them or loved them! 

What fic gave you the most feels? Definitely “Risk Reward Ratio.” It gave me SO much feels. Some were good, and some were pretty bad. It took me on a wild roller coaster ride. I was happy, sad, angry, happy, sad, angry. I laughed hard in some places, I cried even harder in others, I wanted to pull my hair out MOST of the time, and some parts were oh so good the butterflies wouldn't settle the fuck down. But ehh I like what I like, and I'm unapologetic about it. :D

Who is your favorite side character from any Dramione fic? This one is easy! Theo-fucking-Nott! Without a shadow of a doubt. You want to make him the most awesome sidekick character, go right ahead. The best bro, be my guest. The one that has secret feelings for Hermione? GIVE ME THAT TRIAD!!!!! You dare to make him evil? FUCK YES! I'm SO here for it. Even if he is one, I will STILL love him. I always get slightly giddy when Theo makes an appearance, and I tend to enjoy the story that much more. He's an interesting character to me because he's ambiguous. Canon never gave us much about his personality and reading how everyone interprets him makes him one the most versatile characters in my humble opinion. :D

Last question: Do you really like kiwis?? Hahaha!!!! Yes, I really do. This name was given to me by the people who were worried I had a mild obsession with kiwis. You don't have to ask me what I need from the store, because my answer would always be “we've run out of kiwis, BRING ME SOME MORE.” However, let me just make it clear that I'm not a heathen and I don't eat them with their skin on (no judgment if you do).

Thank you so much, Kiwi, for sharing with us! The Dramione community is lucky to have you <3 

Don’t forget, sign ups for the Dramione Comment Fest close February 6, 2021. Check out the rules here and sign up for the fest here.

[theemptyquarto]

Abandoned WIPs

for @goodintentionswipfest

“Oh my God, that was, like, the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.”

That was the first thing she ever said to him.

~

Victor Trevor, the bastard, had dragged him out of the lab, then made him drive a car full of giggling idiots for three hours to Swanage, then had abandoned him to get drunk with additional idiots from Birmingham who had driven even further.  And now one of the idiots from Birmingham, the American girl with too much hair, was criticizing his stone skimming abilities.  

“I’d like to see you do any better,” he said, shortly.

The girl raised her eyebrows and made a face at him, then went to look for a stone of her own.  

“The water is too turbulent here,” he said.

The girl kept looking, until she found a smooth white stone, really too large for the purpose, being almost the size of her palm.

“It calls for a calmer day than this,” he said.

Then the girl drew back her arm and lobbed the stone, which skimmed perfectly, touching the water five times before sinking into the water of the bay.  Because of course it did.

“If you want to skip rocks in this kind of water you need to pick a bigger one and kind of… loft it over the breakwater.  Just like that,” she said, waving vaguely at the sea.

“Skim stones.”

“What?”

“Here we call it skimming stones.  Not skipping rocks.”

“And it’s pech blini in Russia and hacer ranitas in Spain.  We didn’t pitch your tea into Boston Harbor just to keep doing everything the same way you did.”

The words were bellicose but for once he was able to pick up on the tone, and when he looked through the ringlets that the breeze was blowing into her face, he could see that she was pinching her lips together to keep from smiling.

“I remember,” he said, slowly, “The great skimming stones debate that provoked the revolution.  We learnt all about it at school.  That’s why we burnt down your White House.  That and your willful mispronunciation of aluminium.”

The girl burbled a laugh, and it was not as unpleasant as it mostly was when girls laughed.  The “with” not “at” made all the difference.

Because he was eighteen years old and still desperately trying to pass for normal, Sherlock said, “I’m Will.”

She was twenty-one, and Mary Morstan and the rest of her pseudonyms were well into the future.  So because it was the simple truth, she said, “I’m Rose.  Nice to meet you, Will.  I can teach you how to skip rocks properly if you want.  Though it’ll wreck your attempt to look all Byronic and interesting.”

Sherlock frowned, though he wasn’t quite sure what Byronic meant, honestly.  “I wasn’t trying to look like anything.”

“Oh come on.  Alone, staring out over the sunset sea, the wind ruffling your hair.  Very ‘Adieu, Adieu, my native shore.’”

“This is my native shore, I just wanted to look at the tide pools.  Anyway, why are you here?”

“I,” she said, grandly, “Am way too close to shitfaced and I need to take a break for an hour.  And I thought you looked Byronic and interesting.  Where are there tide pools?”

He angled his head to their right.  “Back that way.  Maybe half a mile.”

“Let’s go see them!”

“I’ve seen them.  And you aren’t wearing the appropriate shoes for climbing.”

Rose looked down at her cheap flip-flops, shrugged, and said, “God hates a coward.  Come on.”

~

They’d looked at the tide pools, and Rose hadn’t complained as they scrabbled over rough Purbeck stone to get to them.  Being a small woman, she’d asked for a hand up on two occasions, but she didn’t complain, and she was genuinely interested in the sea slugs and anemones they found.

Then they’d moved on to another section of swimming beach, and now she was trying to teach him to skip rocks.

“Oh!  You almost had that one,” she exclaimed, as his latest effort sank.

“What sort of trajectory am I trying for?” he asked.  “It really isn’t obvious.”

“Ummmm…” and she pitched another stone, which made four hops before sinking.  “I mean, I guess, like fifteen or twenty degrees.  But it depends on the rock.”

“Well, that’s helpful.”

“You just take the rock and then you know how you have to throw it.  It’s mostly practice.”

“You’re very good at it.”

“It’s what I’m best at,” she said, and the next stone made six skips before it sank.  “You got a projectile and need it put someplace specific, I’m your girl.”

“Really?”

“Really.  What are you best at?”

He thought about it for a minute. 

“Deductions.  That’s what I’m best at.”

“Like… in geometry?  If AB equals BC then A equals C?”

“Sort of.  But it’s not just that.  I can do it for other things.  And people.”

“How?”

“Just like in geometry.  You use if-then logic and come to the appropriate conclusion.  Except most people aren’t aware of all of the givens, and I am.”

“O-kay,” she said, slowly, “So, like, what can you deduce about me?”

He cocked his head, doubtfully, and asked, “You want me to do that?”

Rose shrugged.  “Why not?  What have I got to hide?”

Sherlock wished he hadn’t mentioned it, now.  It would spoil what had been a surprisingly pleasant afternoon. She was only asking because she’d never seen him do it… nobody really wanted his deductions.  Everyone had something to hide.  

But she had asked and declining would be nearly as offensive, he supposed.  So he let himself really look.  Excessive dark-blonde hair, no jewelry, black midriff-baring top with thin straps and no bra (irrelevant, he chided himself), well-developed lean musculature particularly in the shoulders.  Mid-priced wide-legged flared jeans clumsily home-hemmed, since she fell between the “petite” and “regular” lengths.  He walked behind her, continuing his examination, and smiled.  The grey plaid flannel shirt she had knotted around her waist had a great deal of relevant information.  

Returning in front of her, he asked, “May I have a look at your hands?”  Rose complied, extending them forward, palms up.  Her hands, with their emerald-green fingernails and distinctive musculature, had almost everything else he thought he could get, except-

“And a better look at the tattoo, please?”

Rose smiled and raised an eyebrow at that, but complied, slipping a thumb under the waistband of her jeans and tugging them down another inch or two to reveal a small, stylized design of a leafless tree struck by lightning (and incidentally a crest of pale hipbone and just a flash of red plaid underwear).

“Satisfied?” she asked.

“Entirely.”  And Sherlock was.  

“So what do you deduce?”

“Not much, I’m afraid.  You’re an American-“

“Well that was a toughie,” Rose teased.

“From Iowa.  You’re a natural linguist but you’re studying chemistry.  You played softball seriously, as a pitcher, until a rotator cuff injury which you opted not to have corrected bought your sporting ambitions to an end within the last year.  Upper middle class family, strict parents.  You currently live with a wire-haired terrier you dislike, you’re sentimental, and you’re a keen amateur cook.”

And that had done it, of course.  Her face, which had formerly seemed naturally happy, had closed off and become hostile.  She took a step away from him, and said, coldly, “Has Victor been talking about me behind my back?”

“You know Victor Trevor?” Sherlock asked.

“Everybody knows Victor.  Answer the question.”

“No, he hasn't. I told you.  I looked and I listened.  Teeth straightened in adolescence, a selection of newish mid-priced clothes, spending a semester abroad?  Well off but probably not rich family, then.  You know, at no notice, idiomatic phrases in two separate languages describing an unusual activity?  Clearly, there’s a gift for languages.  The mild splay of the fingers in your dominant hand and unusual muscular development in your shoulders, along with your obvious aptitude for throwing suggests softball and pitching.  The slight pull and hesitation when you draw that arm back would allow any doctor to diagnose a rotator cuff injury, a career-ending one without surgical correction, and yet you lack scars.  Thus softball is over.”

Rose cocked her head and looked at him, but at least the anger was gone.  So he continued.

“There’s particularly contoured dog hair common to wire-haired terriers on your jeans, meaning it’s fond of you, but none on your shirt, meaning you don’t pick it up, and you aren’t fond of it.”

“Marco’s a drooler and he scratches.  Anyway I’m more of a cat person.”

“Cats eat you after you’re dead.  They don’t even wait until they’re starving, just mildly peckish.”

“True, but on the other hand, I’m dead in this situation.  So who cares?”

Sherlock nodded slowly, “Very practical.  You’ve got enough minor knife and burn injuries to your hands to suggest you spend a lot of time cooking but your forearm development isn’t substantial enough to indicate professional work in the field.  I can tell you study chemistry because of the marks on your shirt.  They never properly clean the lab benches off and you lean into the edges and get some trace amounts of peroxide or acid on the material… which then produces distinctive straight lines of bleaching the next time the shirt is laundered.  I have some of the same ones, see?”

He gestured to his trousers, where the bleaching effect occurred on him, given his greater height.  

“Huh,” Rose said, “I never really thought about that.  So why Iowa?”

“Ah, I was right!”

“Not really.  Nebraska.  But just across the river from Iowa.”

Sherlock sighed.  “Accents are difficult with anyone young enough to have watched television as a child.   But the Iowa accent is marked by monopthongs and “T”-glottalization, and you have it.”

“I have no idea what those things are,” Rose said, musingly, “But since most people around here think New York and L.A. are the only two cities in America that’s actually really good.”

Sherlock felt the blood rushing to his face with pride, and so he kept on, “You’re sentimental because that flannel is battered and you’ve fixed three different tears rather than just discarding it, even though it was never terribly expensive.”

“I saw Nirvana in this shirt.”

Sherlock frowned, wondering if she meant she was Buddhist, and then recalled the band.

“That tattoo,” he wrapped up, “Is a Marius Cook, done about five months ago.  I’ve made a bit of a study of the major tattoo artists of the United Kingdom, you’d be surprised at how often it’s useful. You’ve been of legal age to get tattooed for some time but waited until you were well away from home and then did it instantly but kept it someplace easy to hide, thus: strict parents.”

~

It was dark, now, and someone had pulled out a guitar and was strumming amateurish chords.  Sherlock and Rose had looked at one another and, in a moment of pure intoxicated understanding

~

The semen had more or less dried on her thighs by the time Rose decided that Will wouldn’t be back, even to collect his shirt.  She sighed and rubbed her stubble-burned face.  Then she pulled on her underwear and jeans, and sat and looked up at the stars, which were slightly more mobile than they ought to have been.

She’d liked him.  He wasn’t handsome, but five years and twenty pounds of weight gain would probably have made him so.  And he was sweet.   Clumsy and inexperienced, yes, but intelligent and fun to talk with… essentially, she’d been very happy with the encounter and now she felt…

Cheap.  Which was undoubtedly what her mother would have said about anyone who fucked a man who she’d just met and was expecting to never see again.  So Rose had a bit of a self-pitying snivel, and cried about her troubles.

Eventually her natural good humor resurfaced (she had the beneficial confidence of someone who had taken a birth control pill every day for the last three years) and she said, smiling to herself, “Jilted by a gentleman.  If I can get ruined and discarded by a redcoat I can  have my own Gothic novel.”

 She collected the blanket and Will’s shirt, then ambled back to the party, which was still in full swing, although the Oxford contingent seemed to have gone.  Her flatmate Magda spotted her and called out, “There you are, you whore.  Where’d tall dark and skinny run off to?”

“I think I frightened him away,” Rose replied, lightly, “English boys are all prudes.  Are there any more of those screwdrivers?”

Magda gestured wildly at the five gallon drinks cooler behind her.  “About half.”

“Good.  About half sounds just about right.”  And she wadded Will’s shirt up, tossed it into a nearby rubbish bin, and poured herself a drink.

~

They both forgot all about it.  The vodka helped Rose do a great deal of this within the first twenty-four hours.  Then there was the fact that Byronic-and-interesting Will was neither the first nor the last of a long string of men that would eventually span four continents, some of whom would disappoint her in far more spectacular fashion.  By the time she buried Rose and became Mary, she could skim stones without even vaguely recalling that summer afternoon.  

Sherlock didn’t forget much, and so deleting Rose took an effort of willpower.  He performed a few subsequent experiments with sex and came to the conclusion that it was unlikely to be productive of any good and indeed, subjected him to undesirable sentimentality.  Cocaine was a far more efficient euphoric and asked much less of him, in the end.  The choice to purge his files on the subject en masse was therefore simple logic and had nothing to do with wishing to shed the recollection of a callow, prematurely-ejaculating version of himself.  

When, much later, he plugged the memory stick marked AGRA into his laptop and began reading the files, the name Rose Addison didn’t stir even the faintest reminiscence.

~

“Oh no.  Oh my God, you’re-  You died!  You jumped off a roof!”

That was the first thing she ever said to him.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #235

“the monster you made is wearing the crown; i’ll be the king and you be the clown.”

What is your favorite move franchise? The Lion King. What was the last fast food you ate? I had a hot dog from Sonic and one of those pretzel twists things. What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Do you prefer heroes or villains? Villains. Duh. They're like, always more interesting. What is something you think is overrated? Uhhh coffee, for one. But like what you like. What political cause are you most passionate about? Gay rights. What country would you most like to visit? South Africa. Have you ever considered having children? Literally the only period where I wanted kids was later into Jason's and my relationship. Hell, I wanted three while he was always like "onLY TWO." Now, I don't want a single one, ever. I would be an awful mother for many reasons. If you ever took field trips as a child, which was your favorite? The zoo with Dad, my then-best friend, and her mom. One and only time I've seen meerkats. I was so excited I almost cried. Do you have any weird family traditions? It's not like, a tradition, I think, but we have a unique thing where saying "I love you mostest period" is something Mom, Dad, and my sisters have used for all my life. It's a way of saying "I love you more than you could ever love me, no arguments." Now Sara's been dragged into it lmao. Have you ever considered acting? Nope. Who was the last person you slept next to? Sara. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? You can't "be in love" with a person and fucking cheat on them, no. Do you subscribe to any streaming services? We have Netflix. Idk about anything else. Have you ever been in a physical fight? No. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I don't even wanna know. Did you ever get lost as a child? Yep, in a Wal-Mart lmao. This old lady helped me find my fam. What is your favorite condiment? Honey mustard. Or ketchup. Depends. Have you ever had an existential crisis? Very surprisingly, not really. Do you like country music? Begone, demon. It's still so weird to me that I loved it as a kid, but I really just grew up with it. What color are the eyes of the person you love? Brown. What is your favorite kind of flower? I looooove orchids. What town were you born in? Not the best thing to share on the Internet, eh? Do you know how to play any card games? I only vaguely understood/understand Magic: The Gathering. It's honestly really fun, but very complex in rules. It was Jason's thing so he got me into it. I miss my PS3 working because I used to have the "Duels of the Planeswalkers" on there, and doing it digitally is much easier and helpful. I loved it mostly because the art is fucking incredible. It was an old little aspiration to wind up designing the art some day and I don't think I ever saw Jason more excited. What is something about your childhood that you miss? Being more into video games than I am now alskdjf;awe. I'm more of a viewer of let's plays now than an active gamer; meanwhile, as a kid, video games were my favorite things in the world. Did you ever have MySpace? Do you miss those days? Yeah, I had one. Honestly though I can barely remember it (other than the song on my page was "Pocketful of Sunshime" lmaooooo as well meerkat-flooded), so it doesn't matter. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? Meerkat Manor is my favorite show of all time, but as a proper show could have been better. AP made up their own shit and deviated from the KMP facts A LOT (guess what: Mozart killed a competitor's litter before; not exactly MM's her, right?), and not only was that confusing, but just annoying. Give me the real shit; don't just tweak stuff for dramatic effect. I could list a novel of lies in the series. Now, what I feel is the best show without a meerkat bias and just has an overall good plot. I kinda wanna say Supernatural, but the boys dying five million times got old. Possibly Fullmetal Alchemist. Are there any songs you can’t listen to because they bring back memories? I 110% refuse to hear "Stairway to Heaven." Have you ever saved someone’s life? Funny this is brought up after recent events. My sweetheart online bud had a cerebral aneurysm while having an extremely difficult time talking to me, and no one was home quite yet. Her final message was concerning and she didn't reply to me for a while, so I wound up messaging her again after a bit, and her boyfriend heard the b.net notification sound. Saw it was me and asked what was up. Told him, and he figured out she wasn't sleeping on the couch, she was passed out. He told me he never would have known if I hadn't said something. So does that count, even though I didn't like, physically save her? Have you ever broken any major bones? No. Are there any websites you’ve used for over 10 years? Good question? Idk. WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP, KM's 10th birthday is coming up real soon. Wow. I know YouTube has been much longer. Idr when I joined deviantART. Maybe there's more, I dunno. Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their ages? My two immediate are 22 (ew) and 26 (double ew). Anything exciting taking place today? No, today was A N X I E T Y !! ! ! !! !! What are you craving? Okay so I have been MEGA in "the mood" lately and it's frustrating especially because I don't masturbate so I have like nO OUTLET. Who did you last hit? Nobody saving for when I was a kid repeatedly slapped my sister's arm for doing something I don't remember. How do you do in school? It depends on the subject, but in anything, I am a MASSIVE procrastinator, and I need to fix that. Schoolwork, good good, homework in the library, good good, but when I'm at home, I cannot seem to convince myself to work. As Sara puts it, home is like my "safe" place, and I don't want to bring school into it. Adjusting to school life again after like... two whole years or so of doing NOTHING at all, almost every day all day, is very difficult. I'm SO glad I picked school again, it's just a lot for a person who was so isolated and void of responsibilities to get used to. What’s your biggest goal? Right now, continue to improve my mental health. Fight social anxiety and AvPD. Who have you texted today? Just Sara. Who do you aspire to be like when you grow up? In most ways, especially in kindness, wisdom, relentless determination, passion, creativity, etc. etc. etc. etc., Mark. I think it's obvious he's Role-Model #1. I would loooove to be like Jane Goddall and Steve Irwin, too, feeling with such ferocious potency for animals and how they should be respected and loved. UM AND ALSO, EUGENIA COONEY IS THE SWEETEST PERSON ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN EARTH AND I WOULD LOVE TO BE AS FRIENDLY AND PRECIOUS AS SHE IS. Oh, and then there's Shane Dawson. I relate to him SO much. He is the most selfless angel that seems SO down-to-earth and relatable as hell. I feel like he could be like, my best friend. Ahhhhhhh there are so many more, I love talking about my inspirations, but I'll chill here. Do you know if you want to go to college or not? I'm in college right now, and I desperately want it to stay that way. I'm fucking going somewhere in my life, and the education it provides will bring me closer to that. College is far from mandatory for everyone, but I feel it is beneficial for me. Do you like grapefruits? I haven't had one in a LONG time, so I don't really remember how they taste. I just know sour. What do you think of guys who wear eyeliner? *drools in Darkiplier* the fuck do you think Do you like online games? Only World of Warcraft, really. Who’s one person you care about more than yourself? Okay, real talk, and I hope this is everybody's answer. No one. I'm putting my goddamn self and my mental peace first for the rest of my life. Are there any pets you’re wishing for? I want another ball python. When’s the last time you used hand sanitizer? Two days ago when Mom and I stopped somewhere to eat. Wearing anything that isn’t yours? No. What type of bread did you use on the last sandwich you made? White. How many doors are in your house? Uhhh six. What was the last compliment you received, that made you smile? Sara said she was really proud of me, and to me, that's one of the biggest compliments you CAN give me. Think you need to lose weight? How much? ugh When was the last time you watched a VHS movie? I don't have a clue. We kept our VHS longer than most, though. We had too many movies on it. What event would you go back in time to see, if you could? Ummmm I dunno. Do you remember the last thing you said you wanted? To hug Sara. Who was the last friend you hung out with&what’d you do together? Sara stayed for a week. We did a lot. Who is the person, other than a spouse, that you are closest to? Sara. If you watched it, who was your favorite Hey Arnold! character? Oh my god, I hated that stupid show, but one of my sisters liked it. Have any good school pictures? or do they all just suck? There is literally ONE picture from elementary school where I think I looked pretty. Do you like trying on clothes or not? & Why? NO. I try to avoid it if I can. It's just annoying to change clothes for like five seconds. What are your thoughts on marriage? It's sweet, but I've come to find it... kinda needless for the most part? Like I know it has financial pluses and the symbolism is beautiful, but it's just that: symbolism originating from fantasies (imo, don't scream at me). It only adds pressure to stay in a dying relationship and makes splitting much more complicated. BUT, even with all that said, I personally want to get married someday, but only if I am *sure* about this person. It's the symbolism I like. That and it's so ingrained into my head that that's the "end goal" of relationships, so I'm pretty much just conditioned to want it. How long have you lived in the current place you’re living? Two years. Do you plan on moving anytime soon, if so where? I want to, but I am not in the financial position or at a level of independence where I'm ready for that. Are you more of a follower, or a leader? Be honest. This may alter with the situation, but mostly, I'm definitely a follower. Are your dreams/nightmares in black&white or color? I've heard of this condition before and it really intrigues me. I dream in color. Have you ever wanted to be some sort of hero outside of video games? I mean, define "hero." Like an action superhero in a literal way, nooooo. I'd die on Day #1, lmao. As a hero/inspiration as a person, of course; who doesn't? Will you admit that you’re at least somewhat superficial? I mean, probably in some places? How often do you go to the mall closest to you? Almost never ever. Our mall sucks and has experienced too many shootings. Do you still count with your fingers, even if only every so often? Yep. Like, always. Have you ever gone on a road trip with just friends? No. Well, I went to the beach with my friend and her mom, but just for a day or two because my separation anxiety from Mom got too bad oof. Without trying, do you act differently around different friends? Depends on the friend. I don't "fake it," just how reserved I am can move around. What was the last thing you drew/wrote on your own or someone else's skin? Probably a butterfly on my wrists when I was actively part of the Butterfly Project community. The last time you spent money, what was it on & how much did you spend? $1.25 for a drink at school. What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on one piece of clothing? Idk, but definitely not a lot. In elementary school, were you more of the bully or the bullied? Thankfully, neither. Do you like when a spouse is clingy, or can you not stand that? I'm sure to a certain degree it would be annoying, but for the most part, hell, I think it's attractive. Especially since I NEED validation you like me. How much do you say you walk in a week outside of school &/or work? Just around my house if you exclude school. Is there anything you wish your parents did differently in raising you? I wish they'd given us chores. Wish Mom didn't spank us. What would you do if the last person you texted asked you out? Lol yo we JUST broke up like an hour ago. We're not ready to get back together yet, obviously. Don't worry a bit, we're both cool. Still best friends, even. To compress a long story, needed personal growth and distance have brought us to returning to just friends. For now, at least. Have you ever received a scholarship? I think so... but not like a huge one, I believe. Who was the last person who got frustrated with you? Most likely Mom. When was the last time you mopped your kitchen floor? I myself have never mopped it. Or maybe once. What is your favorite work of art? I mentioned the Denialism painting in my last survey. What was the last appointment or plan you had to cancel? Plan, my next one with my psychiatrist. What spur-of-the-moment decision that you’ve made has had the biggest impact on your life? I don't know if any have truly changed my life. The ones that did (that I remember) were pondered over. Do you know anyone who is (or has been) a refugee? I don't think so, What is your best friend’s worst habit? She doesn't have faith in herself for ANYTHING lj;ljalwie Do you like spinach and artichoke dip? alksd;fjwei no Have you ever felt like you were about to pass out, but didn’t? Yep, a couple times. What was the name of one of your childhood imaginary friends? I didn't have any. What’s your favorite phase of the moon? Full. Do you wish you were richer? I physically refuse to be anything less than stable, hopefully even above that, once I'm independent. We've been poor all my life and it is fuck-ing HARD. It's stressful as a motherfucker and I am done with it. Very. What’s a middle name you like? Quinn. Fits a lot. I planned on giving that middle name to my hypothetical daughter. Are you scared of spiders? y e a h Do you weigh the same as your mom? No. Were you a Mary-Kate and Ashley fan? Like the average 90s/early 2000s kid. Coffee mugs, teacups, or water bottles? Uh, aesthetically? Teacups, probably. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Gum. I like the taste and texture of cotton candy, it is just RIDICULOUSLY sweet. It bothers my sensitive teeth sometimes. Do you prefer to drink soda from cans, bottles or cups? Cans. They get the coldest. Game you were best at in P.E./gym? Idk, I didn't excel at any. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I'll typically just have a meal replacement shake or a Pop-Tart. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws (gotta be red). Favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? My flip-flops, 'cuz they're easy to just slip on. Ideal weather? Cool but not windy (a light breeze is fine) with a partly-cloudy sky. Obsession from childhood? Webkinz. Favorite crystal? Dragon's breath opal. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Swim or stay the fuck inside. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Taking pictures in the snow. Five songs to describe you? "Get Up" by Mother Mother, "That's What You Get" by Paramore, uhhh... I don't feel like thinking over this any longer. My iPod isn't near me to scan through what I have, so yeah. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's have deep philosophical talks about like the meaning of life 'n shit. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh my god, this is impossible. To name some that come to mind first, in no order: "It's Wednesday, m'dudes *insert mating call*", "I cOUld'vE dROPPED My croiSSANt," "this is why mom doesn't FUCKING LOVE YOU," that one at a club where a girl is doing smoke tricks and the dude just goes "check that out" (or "wow," idr) or something similar (I couldn't find it), and omfg I adore that Snoop Dogg one with the little boy just semi-dancing to that iconic song???? I LOVE IT??????? Man, there are so so many more. Very honorable mention: "a d a m". Ads you have stuck in your head? None, thankfully. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Uhhh maybe Happy Bunny? Idk. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite type of cheese? American. What saying or quote do you live by? There's a lot I've picked up on and cling to. #1 is perhaps "Deal with life, or life deals with you." What are you currently stressed about? Some... things I realized about myself that disgust me. Favorite fairy tale? Shrek is a goddamn fairy tale and I will fight to the death against anyone who claims otherwise. Favorite tradition? I don't really have one anymore, but I remember as a kid, I would NEVER let Mom forget to throw some "reindeer food" outside for them lol. Talent you’re proud of having? One that warrants pride, exactly? Not just random talents? Well, uhhh. I suppose writing. I mean it modestly, I really do, but as a kid, my teachers all the way through high school always thought I was cheating or a parent did my papers at home. Some were only convinced by me writing in the classroom. I don't feel as good about my writing as I did in high school, but I am sill proud of excelling in it and taking writing anywhere seriously. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? I mean, name the game and genre here. Probably like "what the fuck" at like, everything, because I already do that. If you were an anime character, what genre of anime would it be? Like, based on my current life? I dunno. A sad and repetitive one with some bright days to it. Ohhh, and the color scheme and lighting vary with my mental state. Yo that would be dope. Character you relate to? lmao THRALL from WoW for being like "can y'all bastards just chill tf out" until he goes off to an isolated land away from civilization bc he's seen enough shit. Also compelled to help. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? As far as consistent flavors go, normally cherry or grape. Left or right handed? I'm a righty. Favorite potato food? Fries, when I wish they weren't. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Literally just Mom's. Not even mine.

[kinixuki]

Answers for the “Questions about creating your ocs” thing, as a read more because it got REALLY LONG. There’s some AU rambling too because why not. The first time a character gets mentioned their name should be a link to their tumblr tag, just to keep track of who’s who because there’s a lot of them :v

1. What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)? 

Kal – Kal came from a dream I had, he was an angry guy with muscles and 0 chill (this never really changed), I think the first conscious thing I did myself was trying to make a small backstory for the dream because I felt pretty strongly about it. I tried to get the look down at the same time but my drawing skills were terrible at that time, so the backstory got more attention. And then it turned into Fisher along with some other dreams I had!

Umbrella – Umbrella is originally from a dream as well, a different one but it had Kal in it too, so it tried to fit it into the story.

Shetla – she happened when I started writing shamans (which had no plan at all at first), I needed someone who would talk with Kwiri so I made her

Oqooto – Oqooto was born as random fish kid for a small comic, so they got a bit of backstory and appearance for the comic. I liked what came out of it and kept thinking about them :>

2. Did you design them with any other characters/OCs from their universe in mind?

Moru – I want to say Ishke, but other than trying to not have them look too similar not really. Maybe Yixi the bird, Moru used to have a hood with a nest, now she has falconry equipment.

3. How did you choose their name? 

Kal – playing with random letters, after he was nameless for a year or two. I think I first wrote it down into a German textbook when I was bored during a class :v His name is also one of the Czech words for mud, which I didn’t realize for a while, but it fits sort of.

Umbrella – in the dream he came from he was basically a ghost that came out of an umbrella, so he got to keep it, both as an object and as a name, because it sounded silly and he’s weird. It’s more of a nickname in the actual story, he so old that no one remembers his name and telling people would spoil the fun for him, and because he always carries the umbrella with him it’s how a lot of people refer to him.

Teeku – playing with random letters again. I think his name just popped into my head when I was writing and was like “hey, this shaman guy needs a name”. I wish this happened more often, I’m terrible with making names :l

Bronze – I had hard time understanding how naming characters with actual words one can understand works, so I tried it myself with Bronze. I don’t remember why I picked that anymore, but it had something to do with him being Fisher and Narya being gold in my head.

Oqooto – I think I saw something close to that in random word generator? It looked super weird, but also felt like an instant fit after like a year of not knowing what name I want.

4. In developing their backstory, what elements of the world they live in played the most influential parts? 

Oqooto – it’s mostly based on the comic idea I had – a kid living in marshes that goes fishing, then I expanded from that. It’s technically part of Ishke’s world, but I haven’t really connected those two yet. There’s a lot of spirits in that world though, so after a bit Oqooto turned into something that’s closer to a shaman/medium than just a fish kid.

5. Is there any significance behind their hair color?

Narya – for a long time there wasn‘t, other than me thinking it’s nice, but now it’s an ethnicity thing along with the ashy skin color. I’ve been playing with the idea of that being the sign of a pureblood Fisher, but it makes some story mess with how easily they would be identifiable in the city. So it might be more general group of people, but still with them being known for their Fishers being crazy good. Bronze is another of those people, but not really directly related to Narya, despite the appearance. Most of them live in the forests outside of the city.

9. Are they based off of you, in some way?

Kwiri – ummmm yes a bit…. I started writing his story as an angsty teen with zero friends, and having a character dealing with similar problems felt nice because hey, finally a friend. It wasn’t really a conscious thing like “it’s me, but in another world”, just a character I wanted to understand and write well. After a while of writing I was probably more based off him than the other way around to be honest. For some reason Kwiri is also pretty close to how I look irl though, which wasn’t intentional at all xD

10. If they have an LI, how much of their character is tailored to be compatible to that person? 

Moru – I wanted her and Ishke to have fun together, so they’re both kinda rebellious, but Moru is still there to explain all the human and social stuff to Ishke. She doesn’t understand much either, but almost anything is better at it than Ishke. And she gets to learn about spirits/forest from him!

12. What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)? 

Kal – other than waiting few years for a name he’s tricky to draw for me, first he was the muscle guy when I didn’t know how to draw muscles at all, now it’s drawing him properly during fights and all the cool action scenes. He’s surprisingly easy to write to though.

Umbrella –having him not turn the entire plot upside down. I changed the entire thing at least three times because of him, he’s always been one of the major characters but having him fit into the story in a way that worked well was hard. He’s hard to write as well, it’s easy to get carried away and turn him into the carefully planning villain stereotype because most of his role in the story is watching from behind the scenes, but he’s supposed to be super chaotic. Well thought out plans are literally the last thing he would do.

Moru – I am. Really bad. With female characters. Guys? Cool. Nbs? Super cool. Girls??? Seriously I made her to have a girl character I would be comfortable with, it’s still not 100% it and I still don’t know what to do with her, so probably that. She needed over 5 years for a name too.

13. How far past the canon events that take place in their world have you extended their story, if at all?

Shamans – I wrote down a short story about how some late story events turned out differently and keep thinking about a lot of what ifs. Then I have a lot of things from when Teeku was younger figured out, some of them are important, some of them are just fun to think about, most of them don’t get enough space in the actual story though.

Then there’s several AUs, including one where Teeku is a grumpy farmer with an old smelly tractor and a straw hat. Kirta hates him there because of the hat, he’s a rich farm guy and has been looking for The Perfect Straw Hat™ for months. When he finally saw it across the street and fell in love, Teeku came and bought the first straw hat he saw, which was this one. There’s also a modern AU where Teeku owns a tearoom and his visitors are my and Sari’s characters from the other stories. There’s a lot of fun stuff happening there and it has quite a bit of stuff thought out, I wanted to draw some of it during the summer but didn’t get to it D:

Bronze – I have a ton of stuff from when Bronze was younger and didn’t live in the city, but that’s deep in the spoiler territory. In the tearoom AU he lives in Umbrella’s flat and works in his sushi restaurant, but kind of wishes he didn’t, especially when Umbrella (who despite owning the flat doesn’t really live there) decides to visit, eat every single thing in the fridge and then talk about all sorts of vaguely illegal stuff Bronze doesn’t really want to hear about before leaving again.

14. If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be? 

Isidor (the grandmaster of the Order who has no tag atm) – he’s elegant as heck, and his behavior is kinda human but also not really, he’s young for what he is but he doesn’t age/die naturally and is already older than normal humans get, so he’s pretty detached.

15. What is something about your OC can make you laugh?

Siva – okay so. At one point a friend asked what kind of food they eat in the Fisher universe. Part of the reply was that they also probably have some of the food we have here, like schnitzel. And the friend asked something like “so there’s gonna be someone coming to Siva and asking ‘Hey Siva, do you want some more schnitzel?’”. It’s Siva’s fave food now, because he’s a super srs person and this totally doesn’t sound super silly.

ALSO THE TEAROOM AU, Siva is a head doctor of a local hospital and Narya is a student with training there and Siva overseeing it. They don’t really like each other, it’s the same as the canon story. They both visit Teeku’s tearoom though, Narya because he either has a part time job there few days a month or just uses that as a study place, and Siva because he’s a tea connoisseur and Teeku’s tearoom is the best tearoom in the city when it comes to tea quality, but there aren’t many visitors because Teeku is super grumpy.

So Narya and Siva sometimes meet there. Siva comes in a pretty bad mood, because “this one student was supposed to do all this work at night and he didn’t and just kept talking back, I need some good tea to drink”. 5 mins later, Narya comes late for his shift, because “this one idiot doctor wanted me to do all this stuff at night, can you even believe it what a jerk, I didn’t even sleep”, and he gets to make Siva’s tea without knowing who is it for and then he brings it to him and they’re both like “YOUUUU”

Minghe – the main idea of his story is that he got stuck with exactly that one person he can’t stand at all (Sheon) and is forced to cooperate. It’s the sad kind of funny.

16. What is something about your OC can make you cry?

Siva – @sariannearies saying bad things about him and wishing terrible things to happen to him >:

Minghe – the fact that I still don’t have a single colored artwork with him except one speedpaint. He’s one of my faves D:

17. Is there some element you regret adding to your OC or their story? 

Kwiri – I’ve been rewriting his story for years and deleting thing I didn’t like, so not really?

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

Kal – he really really REALLY hates Siva, the doctor. It’s mutual, but Siva is way better at hiding it, though he sometimes “accidentally” forgets to give Kal painkillers and so on. Sometimes Kal regrets that he wasn’t successful with what he tried to do at the end of Roommates.

Bronze – he’s super obsessed with being independent, but because of that he ended up as the opposite and it took him forever to realize. With no real way out \o/

Moru – she likes birds. That was unexpected, right?

[agl03]

5x20 Hypable Breakdown

As requested via asks and messages....

Coulson and Talbot go galactic while the rest of the team have more Earthly concerns in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 5×20.

Talbot gets strange

This week’s episode, titled “The One Who Will Save Us All,” focuses heavily on what happens when the gravitonium-infused Glen Talbot gets a taste of new possibilities. Armed with the righteous motivation of sparing humanity from the onslaught of the alien Confederacy, Talbot quickly takes the lead on the whole invasion problem. Coulson, for his part, is sort of like the driving instructor in a car without a passenger break.

Because it turns out that having the power of life and death in your fingers doesn’t make the difference between right and wrong any easier to spot. (A powerful theme of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 5×20, in fact.) And even the strongest of heroes can be mislead by the right promise dangled from the right (blue) lips.

Talbot’s been on a wild ride in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 5, and trust me, the changes will keep on coming.

This is NOT going to end well.   

I’ve said in a few metas I need to see once Talbot goes full on Graviton I need to see just who is in control.  If its Talbot or one of the other people that was stuck in the Gravitonium.   Because while Talbot wants to save the world he has never struck me as a kneel before me kind of guy.  

Now this bit,  And even the strongest of heroes can be mislead by the right promise dangled from the right (blue) lips.  Struck me big time.  This could very well be where Papa Kasius and his earth project started.  Remember, Kasius said that the deal for the Inhumans was struck “long ago”.  And there is a Kree in the promo.  And his broach totally reminds me of Faulk’s....maybe Fitz needs to bust his out again.  

The actions that Talbot takes and the deals that he makes are all going to be focused on saving the world.   But as we’ve seen so many times this season those decisions often backfire in the most spectacular way...this one will be no exception.  

Fight club

While Coulson has his hands full with Talbot-on, the rest of the team grapples with more mundane concerns. You know, getting the Zephyr into outer space, fighting off stray aliens, and… each other.

I’ll be frank. Daisy’s return to the Lighthouse in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.5×20 is not exactly a joyful homecoming — in fact, there are moments that make the tenser points of last week’s episode seem downright fuzzy in comparison.

Because, beneath the pressure of the timeline and the years of lingering trauma, between the fear and exhaustion and complete lack of answers, there are much deeper question at hand. What are these people willing to do to change (or NOT change) the future? What lines will they draw, consequences be damned? And what kind of people do these choices reveal them, fundamentally, to be?

Suffice to say, no two members of the team come up with quite the same answers in “The One Who Will Save Us All.”

If you need me I’m gonna be in the blanket for with a couple of tubs of Ben & Jerry’s here because this is going to hurt....a lot.   The team fracture is only going to get worse once Daisy gets back and everyone has different plans of how to proceed and a different end game in mine.  

Daisy is going to be on the warpath when it comes to saving Coulson.   And if anyone disagrees with her about her plans to use Centipede on him or how she wants to proceed its not going to end well.  I do worry especially for another blow up with Fizsimmons if she have to get the device working or the cocktail made properly.   

Its also going to be heart breaking and frustrating for her when she learns what Loop Elena said about Coulson having to die.   

Everyone on that team has that person they are no willing to give up and many have already made that choice to save them vs doing something they know would stop the loop.  They are all coming to the table with different information and experiences.  Fitzsimmons for example have the science, Elena has what her counterpart told her, May is going with Robin’s prophecies, and Deke from his knowledge of living what is to come.  

Closing the loop

The timeline With only three episodes to go before season’s end, “The One Who Will Save Us All” finally begins to slot in some of those uncomfortable realities that make the future possible. That’s not to say that the path to Earth’s destruction gets all that much clearer (it does, but not by much!) But there’s a smell of the endgame in the air, adding weight upon weight, and no shortage of consequences, to every seemingly forgone decision.

This  will speak to a few things.  First if I”m right and a deal is struck with Papa Kasius certainly plays a part in how things in the future play out.   I also think that we will start to see people and things fall into place that sets up that final catalyst if you will.  Every decision and every alignment within the team will matter (IE who sides with who on what).  

Crush me

When the world is about to end and an inscrutable timeline damn most of humanity, there’s really nothing better than spending some quality time with your crush. And that’s exactly what Deke attempts to do in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 5×20 — you know, because it’s been working out so well for May and Coulson, Mack and Elena, and Fitz and Simmons.

But it turns out that there are surprisingly touching moments to be had between a guy from the future and a gal with superpowers and the weight of the world on her shoulders. They might not be what you (or Deke) were expecting, but they are certainly there.

I won’t lie, I’m not a huge fan of the Deke crush on Daisy angle they’ve been playing but its clearly leading to something story wise.   I don’t think this ship is going anywhere near canon...though I might eat my words because the last place I think it’s going is them kissing and she said it won’t play out how you were expecting.  

Deke and Daisy have had a few nice moments, especially in the future both on the Zephyr and right before he went and tried to sacrifice himself to get them all home.  He could go to her trying to offer her encouragement.  Tell her how strong and smart she is and that he has faith she’ll figure it all out.  

An interesting way this could go is if Deke reveals his connection to Fitzsimmons in the future and Daisy’s reaction surprises us.    

Finally this could be one of those AOS things where Deke says something that causes Daisy to have a Light bulb moment.

Pulling the Bonus hint up so I can discuss the last bit under the cut.

Bonus hint: Are you somebody that I used to know?

A familiar face returns?  Remember with the bonus hints they are usually pretty small things.  So this could be one of the other guys in Graviton/Coulson.  Someone recognizing Papa Kasius.   Or maybe Deke knows someone new into the mix.  

A more heart breaking option is this comes out during the fight in a “I don’t recognize you anymore” kind of way.

To ‘Infinity’ and the… present

Going under the thing because this will discuss major spoilers for Infinity War.

In its typical twisty way, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 5×20 somehow manages to reference the events of Avengers: Infinity War without acting as a significant spoiler. But though the Avengers may be WAY too busy to think about (or remember) anyone from S.H.I.E.L.D., the unspecified dark portents of the MCU’s greatest battle is a remarkably effective goad in the episode.

Ummmm....there is a tie in into Infinity War.  Someone be it Gravibot or The team sees the events of Infinity War playing out as a bad omen and that pushes them into action.  Whether this “omen” is the fights in New York and Wakanda or people poofing out is yet to be seen.  

[daniel--berry]

Worst to Best Superhero Movies I’ve Seen

31) The Amazing Spider-Man

I hate this movie. I laughed throughout the entire film. “The lizard” could not have been a worse super-villain. I sort of liked the yellow Spidey-eyes, I guess. Emma Stone gave a nice performance. Can’t write anything else about it.

30) Doctor Strange

This is one of the only movies on the list I fell asleep during. Some of the visuals were pretty original, but the storyline was like a terrible version of Kung Fu Panda. Maybe if they casted Jack Black instead of super-boring Benedict Cumberbatch (I loved you in Sherlock baby, don’t be offended), Doctor Strange could have had a little charisma. I think this is the only movie on this list that made me upset after watching it.

29) Suicide Squad

What is this movie, some kind of Suicide Squad? Maaaan, what a great cast in such a forgettable movie. Here’s the thing though, I liked it more than most people did. I think whatever-her-name-is was a charismatic (though definitely not funny) Harley Quinn. Jared Leto wasn’t super offensive as the Joker, I looked forward to his scenes, but he looked like an idiot, like a twenty year old with temporary tattoos. What is this guy, some kind of Joker?

28) Thor

I can’t remember this movie. It was probably better than Suicide Squad though. Oh yeah, there’s that part where he throws his coffee on the ground and yells “Another!”. Haha, that was pretty funny.

27) Deadpool

Haha, he uses bad words! But it’s a superhero movie! This movie will serve best as the first R-rated movie a 12 year old sees behind his parent’s back. This is the other one I fell asleep during. 

26) Thor: The Dark World

This one’s interesting. I actually like this movie a lot, in theory. Visually, it’s one of my favorite Marvel movies. You could even say that if I made a MCU movie, it would look a lot like this one. Again, in theory, this is cool. It made Loki an anti-hero after the Avengers, which I think is a great choice. Unfortunately, this is a big piece of shit. And it will make you (unjustly) dislike Natalie Portman. 

25) Wonder Woman

Wow, I thought I’d love this movie. I’ve always thought Wonder Woman was a great character. Gal Gadot is almost perfect for the role. But man, what a boring story. Way too much time is spent on an ugly island, and the rest of the movie is a fish-out-of-water Crocodile Dundee rip-off, with Tumblr-friendly British humor. Haha, that English woman’s accent is sooo British! No thank you. A DAMN boring movie! 

24) The Amazing Spider-Man 2

We’re starting to get to superhero movies that I actually sort-of enjoy. This is my second favorite Spider-Man movie, but that’s out of the three ones on this list. I think this movie ruined Jamie Foxx’s career. Spider-Man has never looked better, though. Definitely the best Spidey-suit. I’m a sucker for those huge eyes. I walked out of the movie wanting to see a sequel, to be honest.

23) Ant-Man

I don’t remember this one, but I remember laughing a lot. Doesn’t Ant-Man work at Baskin Robbins or something in this? Oh yeah, and Michael Douglas is in this. I love that guy!

22) Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

What a STUPID title for a movie. Nothing felt natural here. Did I mention that I hate the title? Here’s the thing, some of the elements of this movie work great. People made fun of the “Martha” twist, but I liked it, as well as Ben Affleck’s portrayal of Batman. But again, nothing was natural about this story. The tone shift is so dramatic from Man of Steel, and yet it’s supposed to be a direct sequel. Henry Cavill’s Superman isn’t memorable. Jesse Eisenberg’s lines were badly written and he never seemed like a real human being. Still, I didn’t hate it.

21) Thor: Ragnarok

Such great ideas here. Pairing Hulk and Thor for a comedy? Wonderful. Jeff Goldblum as a charismatic (gay) planet emperor is my favorite new MCU character. More of him, please! Why so low on this list? Hela sucked, as all Thor villains do. But man, she sucked the worst. The goddess of death? She just looks kind of goth, and never does anything too death-y. I like how the fire monster destroys the Thor world (what’s it called again?), and to the movie’s credit, it doesn’t treat this like an earth-shattering moment. Because let’s be honest, we never gave a fuck about that place.

20) Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ok, yes. This movie has aged pretty badly. But there’s a lot to like! Vision is a graceful, hot, AI legend right out of the gate. Lots of nice seeds are sown here, but it’s too bad that Ultron was a big dumbass who didn’t know how to execute any of his angsty plans. His “age” lasted about a day? Day of Ultron. Still, Tony Stark deserves to be put in prison by now.

19) Guardians of the Galaxy

As far as nailing a tone down, this movie did it best. You can call this movie airtight in its execution. The only negative is that every following Marvel movie felt like it had to be just as funny as this one.

18) Man of Steel

I love me a serious superhero film. I think this movie is best described in pros and cons. Pros: Henry Cavill is the best onscreen Superman yet, Michael Shannon made an otherwise goofy role kind of believable, the special effects are the best I’ve ever seen in a superhero film. Cons: None of this matters, because you’ve just never seen a more boring plot to a film in your life.

17) Batman

There will be no disrespect for the classics here. Every good superhero movie owes it all to Batman. This movie nailed it in every category. Jack Nicholson’s weirdo Joker was all-too-perfect, and the goth-horror scenery was inspired. Best of all, Michael Keaton made the idea of a gay orphan dressing up as a bat pretty relatable.

16) Superman

They haven’t quite gotten it right until 2006, but more on that up the list. This is the best Superman will ever be, because the character really just doesn’t work in the modern day. Christopher Reeve gives a romantic, gosh-golly version of the comic character, and it’s pretty damn good. Also, Marlon Brando’s Jor-El is haunting and gorgeous when he speaks. Another classic.

15) Batman Begins

Blah blah blah, gritty, dark, blah blah blah. Reinvented superhero movies, blah blah blah realistic.

14) Captain America: The First Avenger

This is the heart and soul of the MCU, and one of the most unique out of the series. Still feels important even in the third phase, and has a lot of great messages that I am too lazy to write. Great movie, and Chris Evans as Captain America was the best casting choice since Robert Downey Jr. Nothing but greatness here.

13) Iron Man 2

Do people really think this is the worst of the MCU? Not by a long-shot. But oh my god, Tony Stark is just such a war criminal. And Mickey Rourke is delightful! I love that part where Iron Man empties his bladder into his own Iron Man suit. Did Superman ever do that shit? Fuck Superman!

12) Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

My ass has seen a lot of superhero movies, but I don’t think my ass has smiled more watching one of them. Ummmm, what a fucking great movie? With a fucking great plot? And, like, a great villain for fucking once? A truly lovely film.

11) The Dark Knight Rises

A marxist superhero film? No wonder it’s not the fan favorite. But I love it just the same. The funeral scene at the end is beautifully acted by all involved. Yes, Bruce Wayne died, but it didn’t feel cheap. Catwoman driving the batpod? An icon of cinema. A great ending to a great blah blah blah, not as good as The Dark Blah blah blah.

10) Marvel’s The Avengers

What a moment for a little thirteen year old nerdfuck like me. It leans on the immature side of the MCU, yes. But it’s damn near perfect filmmaking, and by far the most accessible superhero movie to date. Hulk Smash!

9) Iron Man 3

We’re getting into real personal-favorite territory here. Shane Black’s Christmas superhero film is hated by a lot of people, but don’t worry, they’re all just sweaty ugly nerds with untouched genitals who don’t realize that Fu-Manchu proto-Asian wizard stereotypes aren’t exactly the best material for a 2013 film. Man, I adore this movie. It’s a perfect blend of comedy (not too much) and drama (not too much), with an infusion of self awareness that appeals to a cynical guy like me.

8) Superman Returns

This movie really understands Superman. It’s too bad it was overshadowed by Batman Begins, because this movie has a lot to offer. No, it isn’t action-packed, and yes it does star Kevin Spacey (gross) as Lex Luther, but the romanticism and themes of a post-superhero world are rich with wonderful dialogue and the best onscreen Lois Lane yet. Forget the Kryptonite iceberg at the end, Superman’s journey of finding himself is surprisingly great material for a film, delicately directed by Bryan Singer. Wait, is that TWO pedophile boy rapists in one film? Yikes, you know what.......never mind. 

7) Captain America: Civil War

The re-watchability here is astonishing. It’s not even an Avengers film, and it’s still easily the best Avengers film. And yet, it stays its course as a personal story of loyalty and sacrifice for the titular character. It’s totally a Captain America movie. Also, can Tony Stark just get fucking imprisoned already?

6) Iron Man

Easily the “coolest” superhero movie ever made. I can watch terrorists get blown up by lasers all day! A true classic, and still feels just a little more legitimate than all the other MCU films.

5) Spider-Man: Homecoming

A relatable protagonist? A relatable villain? An evil psycopath? (Tony Stark). What’s not to love? It might not have “amazing” in the title like those other fuck-your-mom Spidey movies, but it most certainly is. (Amazing, I mean).

4) The Dark Knight

Blah blah blah joker, blah blah blah Heath Ledger, Christopher Nolan. Blahblahblahblah dark, reinvented the genre, blah blah blah.

3) Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Yes I’ll say it. Here we have the best story in a superhero film to date. And to disguise all the intellectual themes of post-terrorist society, individuality, corruption, the pointlessness of patriotism, and homoeroticism, we have just enough kick-ass action scenes for your average brain-dead male to get a kick out of it too.

2) X-Men: Days of Future Past

I’m a sucker for time travel, and fuck me if this didn’t deliver 100%. This was my first X-Men movie experience, and I still think about it about once every couple of weeks. I don’t even want to write about it because I get embarrassed by my love for this movie.

1) Logan

The world’s changed. All the mutants are dead. Patrick Stewart is a senile fuck. Wolverine’s claws hurt when he tries to bring them out. Jesus Christ, there’s so much here that I can’t believe it’s a real movie. There’s just something about seeing a grizzly Hugh Jackman in a bloody t-shirt that really grinds my gears. It’s tragic, it’s beautiful, it’s expansive, and it feels like the last superhero movie that ever needs to be made.

[comicreliefmorlock]

QUESTIONS ABOUT BOOKS

1. Which book has been on your shelves the longest?

...oh lord... I have so many. I'd have to say Ender's Game because I've ALWAYS had a copy of it. I don't even remember when I first read it; my mother threw it at my brother and I both when we were smols and it's been a yearly read ever since.

2. What is your current read, your last read and the book you'll read next?

Let's see... I won't count all the rereads I've done because I reread a LOT of books. The current read is "Sideshow U.S.A" (nonfiction) and my most recent read is "The Last Wish" (fiction). The upcoming read is "The Prince of Darkness" (nonfiction) and I haven't gotten anything set up after that.

3. Which book does everyone like and you hated?

...

Fuck you, Patricia Cornwell. Fuck you.

{"Portrait of a Killer" and I will ALWAYS cover it up when I find it in bookstores.}

4. Which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t?

"The House of the Seven Gables" has been my Mt. Everest for nearly twenty-five years. I just canNOT get past that opening chapter, my GODS.

5. Which book are you saving for “retirement?”

None. If I have a book, I'm going to read it. If I hear about a book that interests me, I am going to read it. I do NOT put off books. Reading is LIFE.

6. Last page: read it first or wait till the end?

I wait until the end. To be fair, I read very, very quickly, so it's not much of a "wait" for me to reach that last page. Plus it's fun to make guesses and collect evidence to see if I'm right or wrong at the end!

7. Acknowledgements: waste of ink and paper or interesting aside?

Interesting asides! I always glance through the acknowledgements to see who was influential to the author, who they thought of when they finished penning that last word and who the book wouldn't be in my hands without.

8. Which book character would you switch places with?

...oh gods it's so hard... >.< Ummmm... either Kassafeh or Dunziel from "Tales from the Flat Earth" and yes, it's entirely because I'd HAPPILY take Night's Master or Death's Master as my eternal lover, thank you very much.

9. Do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life (a person, a place, a time)?

So very many... SO MANY.

"Alanna: the First Adventure" literally reminds me of my first period because I read it shortly before and oh boy, when that time of the month first came, I reread that scene with Alanna many times. It was surprisingly helpful for coping with the whole "wait what do you mean this happens forever and I'm now a 'woman' excuse you???"

All of my White Wolf rulebooks remind me of my college years when I'd read them at my ex-boyfriend's house. "Rose Red" reminds me of my second ex-boyfriend's house because it was the only book I'd left there, so I read it a LOT. "The Blue Sword" reminds me of my mother--she told me to read it, said I'd like it and she was SO right. "The Tales of Peter Rabbit" makes me think of my maternal grandmother's house. The Dragonlance Trilogy reminds me of my brother, as does the Sword of Truth series--we have dissected and discussed those books for YEARS.

Even though I've read it once and haven't really read it since, "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad will ALWAYS remind me of when @tlbodine and I met. (She knows why. :D) And rereading the play "Hamlet" is always guaranteed to make me grin because of that shared Shakespeare class and the tangent about fruit.

...I read a lot. A LOT. So I make a lot of associations to books. :D

10. Name a book you acquired in some interesting way.

-ahem- I hope I can't get in legal trouble for this now, but... >.>

I have a book called "Superstitions" that I found in the middle school library when I worked there. I fell in LOVE with it; it was my first introduction to folklore research and the details involved. I was never able to FIND a copy of the damn thing.

...so when I graduated high school, I went BACK to the middle school during the summer and... quite frankly, I stole the damn thing. :D (I know, I'm a horrible person.) It's still on my shelf and is consulted quite regularly.

11. Have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person?

Ask @tlbodine about the shiny new copy of Les Miserables I got her. :D Books, to me, are always a viable gift. I've bought and shipped copies of Tanith Lee (my goddess) books to people; I read one about the French Revolution and sent a copy to @house-leours because she is a History Buff™. And there was a book on dollmaking that my mother and I spent MONTHS hunting down via a rare book finder for my paternal grandmother.

12. Which book has been with you to the most places?

Considering how many books I have and how often I drag them all over the place, I don't think any ONE book has been with me to a ton of places. Except maybe my copy of "Paradise Lost" because I used to care about looking 'smart' and I'd read it in public places.

13. Any “required reading” you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad ten years later?

"Romeo & Juliet" drove me nuts because EVERY FUCKING YEAR involved reading or analyzing it. I don't mind it so much now, but I still kind of wrinkle my nose when I pick it up. (I don't read it often.)

14. What is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book?

A voucher for a D&D book given as a prize at a convention from 1987--it's still in a book on my shelf somewhere.

15. Used or brand new?

If the book is in my face and I want it, I'll buy it. Thriftbooks.com owns my soul, Amazon knows me intimately and the library book sale can hear me coming a mile away. Anywhere books are to be found, I will buy. I do like used bookstores better because I get MORE BOOKS for the same amount of money.

16. Stephen King: Literary genius or opiate of the masses?

I wouldn't call Master King a "literary genius." What I would call him is a damn good storyteller who creates PEOPLE, not characters. Even if I don't always find his books frightening, I find them enjoyable to read. {But that line in "The Green Mile" about "I can hear them screaming" will for-fucking-ever give me chills.}

17. Have you ever seen a movie you liked better than the book?

Jurassic Park. (@tlbodine  --I TOLD YOU.) And Jaws. Those books were soOO tedious.

18. Conversely, which book should NEVER have been introduced to celluloid?

My personal feelings on this may have little bearing to do with what others enjoy, but "The Legend of the Seeker" (it was a TV show that SURPRISE didn't last) was the worst mistake of all time. And Ender's Game just pissed me the hell off because it missed sO MUCH of what made the book a staple of my life.

19. Have you ever read a book that’s made you hungry, cookbooks being excluded from this question?

"Personal Darkness" by Tanith Lee. I canNOT read that book without eating something, gawd. EVERY TIME.

20. Who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take?

@tlbodine because she knows what I like. I'll always listen to my mother about science fiction (even if I don't dare confess to her that I didn't find "Rendevouz with Rama" riveting...) and my brother knows my book tastes very well, too.

[auburnfamilynews]

The craziest thing about this Tweet that made the rounds last week? I can’t promise you Marcus Spears is in the wrong here:

“If I had to choose an SEC head coach after Saban…It would be Dan Mullen”

– @mspear96 on @CubeShow

— Cole Cubelic (@colecubelic) May 3, 2017

Consider: has any current non-Tide coach in the league outperformed his program’s historical baseline more than Mullen? Has any SEC coach accomplished more with less 247Sports Composite Rankings-approved talent?

I don’t ask those questions because I agree with Spears’ opinion (though I do think the answer to the first is a clearcut “no,” and the second “with Gary Pinkel gone, probably not”). Ultimately I’d like to see Mullen take a team without Dak Prescott to a divisional finish better than fourth before we start ranking him above coaches who have actually won the SEC, or who have … uh … have … ummmm …

And that, friends, is why arguing for Dan Mullen — Dan Mullen! — as the second-best football coach in the Southbleepingeastern Conference makes a substantial amount of sense. You’ve got Gus Malzahn taking our own beloved Auburn Tigers to the 2013 SEC championship and BCS title game, but what other accomplishment among the league’s current coaching crop is worthy of finishing that previous paragraph? Jim McElwain dragging the Gators to the East title these past two seasons? Kevin Sumlin’s rocket-fueled 2012 ride with Johnny Football? Hugh Freeze’s back-to-back New Year’s Six appearances? Given the state of the East and the Tide’s merciless slaughters in Atlanta, it’s hard to give McElwain too much credit for his division titles (even Gator fans don’t seem especially inclined to, do they?) and it feels like both Sumlin and Freeze have already watched their personal peaks come and go. The cupboard for active SEC coaching success is bare enough some folks — well-informed ones! — are even willing to stump for Bert.

As for Gus, if his 2013 run isn’t enough for you to slot him in as the SEC’s No. 2 after 16 losses in three seasons, I’m not gonna argue. That’s the second-craziest thing about this tweet: my initial reaction, hand over my heart, was Win or lose to Bama, if Mullen’s really the second-best coach in the SEC, there’s zero reason Auburn can’t finish this season as the second-best team in the league and go to the New Year’s Six. 

Then it hit me: They already did that last year! Both Auburn fans’ collective irritation at a season that ended in New Orleans — mine 100 percent included — and the inability to definitively claim someone other than Dan Mullen as the SEC’s second-best coach speaks to what a truly weird place the league finds itself in this summer. Outside of the fanbases at Alabama, LSU, Vandy or Kentucky, is anyone truly excited about their head coaches?

We can acknowledge the vibes at Mississippi State and South Carolina are also more positive than negative after Mullen’s Egg Bowl win and Muschamp’s surprisingly successful debut season. But that still leaves eight teams in varying states of discontent: Auburn and Texas A&M fans are stinging from their supposed offensive sorcerer coaches struggling to produce any actual sparks from their fingertips; Ole Miss fans have the twin black clouds of a 5-7 finish and NCAA involvement to deal with; Arkansas fans have watched the Hogs blow an endless succession of leads on their way to a mid-tier bowl game for what feels like a decade running; Florida fans feel like they’ve just watched the two most boring teams to ever make the SEC title game, because they did; Tennessee fans watched Butch Jones’ first four years steadily build all the way to the high of a Music City Bowl berth, with the roster now frighteningly depleted; Georgia* and Missouri fans have to simultaneously express patience with their new hires along with the natural concern that coaches whose debuts included a terrifying scrape past Nicholls State/a loss to Middle Tennessee may not be the right long-term choices. (If they’re statistically inclined, they may also be unhappy their teams finished nestled directly alongside each other at 68th and 69th in S&P+).

It’s worth noting, too, that four of the SEC’s “Big Six” fall in the uneasy-feeling category, that one of the Big Six members that doesn’t is still on its Ed Orgeron honeymoon, and that the program arguably closest to those six in prestige/recruiting/support/cash — Texas A&M — is home to perhaps the hottest coaching seat in the league. In short: I can’t remember a time I felt like the SEC had less faith in its collective coaching acumen.

The explanation for this state-of-dissatisfied-affairs is a two-parter. Part the first is simple enough: when the league’s previous 17 titles have been awarded to just seven coaches, and three of those coaches get shown the door in the span of two seasons (after losing just two the previous 15), there’s going to be a vacuum.

Part the second: that vacuum hasn’t been filled the way you’d expect the SEC to fill it. Jim McElwain built a decent resume at Alabama and then Colorado State, but had he built a Florida resume? Though to be fair, Jimbo Fisher’s ascendance means the mantle of “best job in the East” may have passed to Athens, which the Dawgs capitalized on by hiring … a coach with an even thinner resume than McElwain. LSU hired an interim coach with a lifetime 7-23 SEC record. Like McElwain, Butch Jones enjoyed enough success at his two previous stops to make him an acceptable candidate, but not enough success you’d expect him to actually land a job as well-paid as Tennessee’s — particularly on the immediate heels of the Bielema hire at Arkansas.

The narrative in many corners following Bert’s defection from Wisconsin was that the SEC’s bottomless coffers and unrivaled respect among media and recruits would make it the only coaching destination that mattered, and really, why would you argue otherwise when the West’s fifth-best job (at best) was still enough to lure away the most accomplished coach in the nation’s second-richest conference? But Bert wasn’t the start of a trend; he was the end of one. It’s now been four-plus years, and even with Florida, Georgia and LSU having come open (not to mention the equally-attractive South Carolina job) the SEC hasn’t seen a hire half as proven as Bielema since**.

That’s not to say resume is everything, of course. The reigning national champion is helmed by a dude it promoted from special teams coach. There’s reason to think McElwain’s doing a better job than it might appear. Orgeron answered his staffing questions by nailing his offensive coordinator hire and retaining his terrific defensive coordinator. Smart’s first full recruiting class ranked third in the country. The potential for all three is obviously there, while Bert’s struggled to do anything meaningful since pulling the Hogs out of their John L. Smith-induced sinkhole. The final verdict on this post-2012 generation of SEC hires remains years away — and the verdict for the Sumlin/Bert/Jones/Malzahn generation hasn’t reached a final rendering, either.

But we can say this much: there’s no Urban Meyer among these coaches, either, no coach that could have gone anywhere and went to the SEC. Tom Herman chose Texas. Michigan pulled Jim Harbaugh home. Mike Gundy, Mark Dantonio, David Shaw, rumored current-and-former NFL coaches of all notable stripes .. all still where they started. That’s not to say the SEC’s recent candidacies could have been filled by any of the above names — Lord knows I think LSU did what it could to land Herman — but simply that they haven’t.

The result: honest argument that Dan Mullen is the second-best coach in the SEC. And speaking as an Auburn fan, the other result: my honest belief that Gus Malzahn has a gilt-edged opportunity to make “second-best team in the SEC, New Year’s Six-bound” more than a one-off. Until/unless the post-2012 hires prove otherwise, the best-outside-of-Tuscaloosa vacuum is there. No one filled it in 2016, but Auburn came closer than anyone — and with Jarrett Stidham in place, the defense recovered from its 2014 pratfall, Chip Lindsey on hand to save Gus from his worst Coxcat self, yes, I believe Auburn is as close as anyone to filling it on a longer-term basis. Hell, maybe they’re closer than I think to doing even more than that.

But that’s November talk. May talk: save for the obvious, there’s nothing to be afraid of in the 2017 SEC. The door with Auburn on one side and 10 wins and a second straight NY6 appearance on the other couldn’t be more open. Guide Auburn through it, Gus***, and maybe they won’t even bother mentioning your Starkville colleague at this time next year.

*It’s possible I’m projecting my own skepticism regarding Smart onto Dawg fans, who may be more optimistic than I’m giving them credit for and have the backing of a surprisingly bullish preseason media to boot. But Jacob Eason (or a true freshman) throwing behind an overhauled offensive line to an anonymous receiving corps as orchestrated by Jim Chaney doesn’t strike me as the recipe for a major step forward. We’ll see.

**Strange but true: the SEC’s basketball hires are currently outstripping its football hires. When Bruce Pearl is at Auburn, Ben Howland’s at Mississippi State, Bryce Drew’s at Vandy, Avery Johnson’s at Alabama, Rick Barnes is at Tennessee — all the rough equivalent of Bert going to Arkansas, or even Bert going to, say, Kentucky — I’m not sure it’s even all that debatable.

***Preferably without the migraine-inducing loss to Georgia this time, thanks. 

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #255

“who gives a fuck if they hate you; you’re the god that they pray to.”

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Could you go a day not talking to the last person you kissed? It would suck. What was the last song you listened to that made you cry? I didn't like, sob, but "Another Life" by Motionless In White does it. Your ex REALLY needs you at 3am and you have a way to their house would you go? Well, I can't with Sara considering she lives two hours away, and that's by plane. If she lived here, duh. For Girt or Jason, yes. Without saying any names what is one thing that you would like to say to someone(s)? I'm sorry. Would your parents get mad if you got drunk while they were present? No. Would you date someone who lived in another state? Eh, maybe. I don't know if I want to do long-distance again. I mean I probably would, but idk. Are you friends with your ex? Sara and Girt, yes. Who is the person you last texted? Sara. When’s the last time you told people you were fine, but really weren’t? I dunno, I honestly don't lie about that often. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Months back when I found out the shit my therapist said about me and disability. Not only did I want to knock her jaw off, but I sobbed for like, a long-ass time. Who did you spend your summer with last year? Just Mom, really. ... Or wait, maybe that was the summer Sara was here??? My memory is such shit, idk if that was last year or the one before. What’s bothering you right now? Stress about dropping out. Have you lost friends in the past year? I don't think so, at least. Have you and the last person you kissed ever talked about going out? We did date. If the person you’re dating said they were falling in love with you, what would you do? I'm not dating anyone. Who was the last person you were in love with for more than a year? Sara. Do you have a secret life? RP stays a pretty big secret. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without a shirt? Yes. Do your parents know EVERYTHING about you? No. What are you watching? Nothing rn, surprisingly. I'm listening to music. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yeah. There’s a serial killer in your house, what do you do? Jump out the window. If the last person you kissed went back to their first love, what would you do? I think I am hers. Do you own any bug spray? No, not currently. We need some damn wasp killer. Every spring/summer, they build a nest literally right above our back door. Are you a good gift giver? Honestly think I'm really good at it. I always try to put a load of thought into it. What's the longest trip you’ve ever been on? The drives to either NY or Florida. I can't remember which is further. Are you a daughter or son-in-law? No. Do you know anyone in the military? Multiple people. Do you like your significant other's siblings? N/A Have you ever received a singing birthday card? Yeah. Those always suck when you open them and boom, loud singing to an obnoxious song. Do you own anything made by APPLE? My iPod. Have you ever tried Hamburger helper? Yeah, that was a semi-frequent dinner as a kid. I never liked it that much, though. What was your first car's color? N/A Do you have a best friend? Ye. Do you remember who your Kindergarten teacher was? I do. Do you have a favorite president? A least favorite? No, considering I don't know enough about any and their policies. Can you french braid? No. Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? I was as a tiny kid. I met my first best friend that way. What's your least favorite color? I'm just gonna use the very basic colors: yellow or green. Do you know anyone in jail? Not currently. Do you have kids? Ew. What's the strangest name you’ve ever heard? Apples. Yes. I'm serious. How old were you when you learned to walk? Idk. Do you own anything made of lace? Yeah. What's your favorite football team? Idc. What kind of bubble gum do you chew? Just about any. Fruity is my favorite. Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit or two-piece, a speedo or trunks? NOBODY needs to see me in a two-piece. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. Do you support a charity? Well of course. I used to give coins to those super-old charity things for sick kids back in the day, but I can't remember the exact charity it was. I also donated hair to Children With Hair Loss a couple years back. I haven't donated to any other that I know of bc no personal income and I don't ask my parents for money really, but boy have I wanted to. I always use that Facebook feature where you pick a charity to share and ask for donations for your birthday, though; I've done the Trevor Project and one for pancreatic cancer in honor of my grandmother. I don't remember the others. Do you pop your knuckles? EW no please don't in my presence @ Sara. Do you scrapbook? No. I just don't have the creative drive and dedication to. If you could change your eye color would you and to what color? A much brighter blue. Have you ever had braces? For a long-ass time because we couldn't afford to take them off. One tooth is pushed too far back because of it. Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? No. I want to live in the woods where *that's* my yard. When were you the saddest in your whole life? 2016 OH WOWIE WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever seen a ghost? I definitely believe I have. Are you a virgin? No. How many books do you read a month? I like, just started reading again, so I can't say. Can you type fast? Very. In school were you bullied? I'm extremely thankful I wasn't. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yes, I love it. Do you own a boat? Not me myself, no. Dad does. What about a camper? No. Do you read the newspaper? No. Are you on any teams? Team Mystic in Pokemon Go *waggles fist @ criticism* If you died today where do you think you’d go? Idk. Who really knows what happens when you die. I hope it's some serene existence, but, *shrugs*. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? Ummmm I don't think so. Who is the first contact in your cell phone? Best friend! :') What color are you bed sheets? The one I'm using now is light blue. Do you use online dating? I cannot FUCKING believe I was briefly on Christian Mingle I would actually rather die- How often are you sick? Extremely rarely. Did/Do you miss a lot of school? Eh. I had my mental health days and had to leave early a lot. Do you like scented candles? Yeah man. When was the last time you were told you were pretty/beautiful/gorgeous? When I recently changed my FB picture after forever. Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with? No. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? Roman being silly. If someone were to ask you out right now would you say yes? I don't know. Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yeah. Name four things you want right now: My fucking tattoo updated laksjdlflw, a healthy goddamn weight, my laptop, and a tarantula omg. Do you prefer to hold or be held? I mean, it depends on who we're talking about. I guess generally held? Are you currently wanting any piercings? You have no idea. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. What was the last thing that made you feel like your life was complete? lol I've never felt that. You ever slept on the floor with someone you liked? Yeah. Do you still speak to any of your classmates from elementary school? Off the very top of my head, no. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? One of my favorite pictures of Teddy, because I adore and miss him. Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Plaid. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I mean, not especially. They're crowded and it's a bad association anyway since it was the last time I hung out with Jason. The cake is indeed the best part, lmao. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? American. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? Red, yellow, and blue. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? Very rarely. I'm not all that tall. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? No. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? As someone who is bipolar, very much so, yes. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I was fine. Do you like those "end of the world," "Armageddon" movies? Not especially. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, by far. Strawberries and broccoli. Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: This is not intentional or meant to be discriminatory of those with 'em, but penises literally repulse me visually. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? Yeah, even though I'm scared. I think I say "hi" or "hey" most. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? Extremely heteronormative. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? HA no. I'm an anxious mess that is not fast or nimble in any way. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I like the reddish/yellowish ones. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Maybe like, 15-20 mins away. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Honey ham. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pencil, by far. You can erase. Scibbling stuff out looks messy. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? I am NOT kidding: one of the motivating factors of me going back to public school after 8th grade was the idea of making new friends and maybe making a band to be the guitarist lmfao. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? I have multiple for different reasons, but #1's gotta be Mark, man. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? I was a really friendly kiddo. Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I don't think so. What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Idk who that would be. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? I don't believe we have. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Jesus fuck, I wouldn't wish having an infected cyst drained without NEARLY enough numbing medication on the goddamn devil. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? Yeah. I like the chocolate sundae one most. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? MMMMMMMMMMM cool ranch. Usually soda with chips. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Ozzy. *shrugs* I like my online nickname and the "y" added sounds kinda affectionate ig. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? I don’t plan my outfits. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? No. What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? 2017. SO MUCH DEVELOPMENT AND HEALING!!!!!!! Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No.