#i just need to be able to say something easy when people flag me down and ask for my instagram

[blackcat-star]

Lost Spirit.

Sung Jinwoo x Ghost Reader

« Chapter 6 ✭Chapter 7: Jinah's teacher.

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"Where are we going?"

"To the bank. I need to check the amount of money I have, then we'll go shopping a little."

The first place Jinwoo and his friend went after leaving the house was the bank. He was curious about the money he got from the mana stones.

'I don't have the time to check it.'

Jinwoo left the management of the magic cores to Jinho. The boy said that the magic stones after each raid were sold out, and the money earned was transferred to Jinwoo's account. But he didn't discuss the specific numbers.

'Jinho, this kid. Always reports everything clearly. It seems like he doesn't care much about money.'

Perhaps it was also due to his life circumstances, but Jinho rarely cared about financial matters. The topics of conversation only revolved around raids, celebrities, music, or movies. It was the kid who started the conversation, but Jinwoo just nodded silently.

'Hmm, that's strange...'

Recalling the times he heard the 'storyteller' Jinho confide, the kid had never talked about his family.

Before he could think more, Jinwoo was already standing in front of the bank.

'Such a day...'

Today, all the ATMs were under maintenance.

Jinwoo and you couldn't do anything else. He picked a number and sat there waiting. Meanwhile, you kept complaining about how he had interrupted your revenge.

"Really, if you had let me play a little longer, I could have earned some more money for me."

Jinwoo's face was blank. "Really? It looks like you're constantly losing. Besides, where would shadow soldiers get money from?"

You laughed innocently, "Aren't they your soldiers? The money came from your wallet. As a good master, shouldn't you pay for them?"

Jinwoo: >:0????

"Not that easy!"

Finally, after a 'not too long' time, he was able to go to the counter. "Hello!"

A clerk with short hair and a bright smile. She bowed to him and asked back. "How can I help you?"

"Could you please take a look for me?"

"Of course!"

The clerk took the notebook from Jinwoo's hand with a smile. He looked around the bank while waiting. Even though it was a weekend afternoon, there were still quite a few people coming to do transactions. Meanwhile, the bank clerk was extremely surprised when he looked through Jinwoo's notebook.

'Oh my god!'

[Account Balance: 1,482,920,000]

She carefully read it again, counting each zero, yes, it was definitely more than a billion. And this book was not a savings book. According to the transaction history, all the money was earned in the past week.

'He's so young, how could it be?'

Jinwoo was also surprised that he could earn so much money.

Meanwhile, you looked at the amount of money Jinwoo had, your smile gradually losing its humanity. 'Hehehehehehehe, he's rich! I heard the food in the mall is quite good.'  You rubbed your hands together briskly, clasped your hands and made it look like you were formulating some kind of plan or scheme.

Suddenly, Jinwoo feels an icy chill run down his spine, an unease that settles in his mind and grips him with an icy chill. He had a bad feeling about something, related to his money.

Jinwoo turned to you, seeing your eyes looking at the passbook as if it were a piece of premium Wagyu beef sprinkled with gold and a 'free' flag.

"Y/N," he leaned in, his voice wary, "what are you thinking?"

You smiled, sweet as honey. "Nooooooo~ thinking nothing~ I'm just admiring your hard work!"

Jinwoo narrowed his eyes. "The kind of admiration where you rub your hands together like you're about to buy a three-floor mansion?"

"You're wronging me!" You clasped your hands together, then muttered, "But, a mansion doesn't sound too bad..."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing!"

Jinwoo sighed, taking the passbook back from the clerk who was still reeling from the numbers. "Thank you."

"Ah, yes, yes...have a nice day!" The clerk bowed quickly, thinking to herself 'He must be a hunter! Only hunters can make much money like that!'

Leaving the bank, you walked beside Jinwoo, your heart still as light as the sky.

"Jinwoo," you began in a coaxing tone. "I want a bank account too.."

Jinwoo looked at you, doubtful. "For what?"

"So I can be independent! Financially independent! Have a place to...to...send my monthly salary!"

"You don't work?"

"You can pay me!" you said. "I can support you when you fight, I'll clean your house, and I'll be your roommate and emotional manager for the shadow soldiers. Doing three jobs at once, no pay is against the labor law!"

Jinwoo: "..."

You: ":)))"

"What kind of labor law is that?"

"Law....Shadow Associate! Makes sense right?"

"..."

"No."

"Come on-"

"No."

"You're really... stifling the dreams of youth!" you said sadly.

"You're an adult!"

"Oh no, I'm the one who died but half alive again... but I still don't have my ID card, so you have to raise me!"

Jinwoo: "............"

Why don't I leave you in the tree?

____________________________

After failing to seduce Jinwoo, you gave up on your 'dream'.

"Can I at least buy something to eat at the mall?"

"...Just a little."

You saluted. "Yes sir."

After withdrawing the money, Jinwoo took you to a nearby shopping mall. At first, he only intended to buy a formal suit to meet Jinah's teacher. But things took a different turn from the moment you entered the first store.

He didn't expect that after he got a haircut and bought a new suit, your eyes would suddenly light up dangerously, forgeting your purpose of eating.

"You look so handsome!"

"...Thanks?" Jinwoo was a bit doubtful, instinctively taking a step back.

"Come with me!" - you pulled Jinwoo's hand and rushed into the fashion store chain as if you had a speed buff.

"Wait a minute, we're just going to buy one outfit and then go to Jinah's parent-teacher meeting-"

"No, since we're here, we have to try everything on!"

And so...

30 minutes later, Jinwoo sat absent-mindedly on the bench, next to six different bags of stuff. Jinwoo looked at the pile of bags beside him and then looked up at you – who was busy choosing another long coat, your eyes shining like LED lights from inside. He sighed.

"We have to go to Jinah's school," Jinwoo muttered, but you didn't seem to hear him.

You turned around, holding the coat and trying it on Jinwoo, tilting your head in thought. "Hmm, it's kind of outdated. Right? For a parent-teacher conference, you've got to dress a bit more formal."

"But we don't have to try on, like, eight coats."

"Don't be so stingy," you nudged Jinwoo. "We're living in the age of images. If the teachers see you dressed sloppily, they'll think Jinah isn't well-groomed."

Jinwoo was silent. It made sense. But that reason made him wait for another twenty minutes, with a total of twelve bags.

Finally, when you decided you had enough clothes, the two of you decided to leave the mall. Jinwoo lazily threw all the bags into his storage.

You walked beside him, singing and whistling like a free spirit, occasionally turning to look at Jinwoo with sparkling eyes.

"Are we going somewhere tomorrow?"

"No."

"We can call it bonding time! Like teammates!"

"No."

"Come on~"

"...I think I should buy some noise-canceling headphones."

You laughed loudly, then nudged Jinwoo's arm. "Nevertheless, you will listen to my words."

Jinwoo shook his head but the smile in his eyes was not hidden.

"Alright, I'm going to see how long I can last."

____________________________

Jinwoo stopped in front of a store when he saw his new reflection in the mirror. It looked pretty good. 'At the least, it assures no negative impression would be made or left behind.'

He glanced at his wristwatch, saw that the hands were at 4:20.

'Jinah told me to be there at 5...'

There was still plenty of time.

There was no need to rush, Jinwoo and his friend hailed a taxi and leisurely headed to school. Jinah was waiting for him in front of the gate.

"Hey Jinah!"

The girl didn't notice Jinwoo approaching.

"Oppa?"

Jinah stared at him with a bewildered expression.

"Excuse me, where's my oppa Sung Jinwoo?"

"Don't tell me you don't recognize your oppa?"

Jinah looked him up and down again and exclaimed with undisguised surprise.

"You look completely different!"

"So you think I'm wearing a T-shirt and slippers to meet the homeroom teacher?"

"Wow..."

Jinah was surprised by her usual simple brother. Then she noticed you standing next to him.

"Who is this? Oppa, do you have a girlfriend?"

Jinwoo hit Jinah on the head. "This is Y/n, and she's not my girlfriend."

You happily went over and held Jinah's hand. "I'm Y/n, nice to meet you! I'm Jinwoo's associate, and for whatever reason, I'm crashing at your place for a little while. Hope that's cool with you!"

Jinah smiled happily. "It's okay, I'm happy to have another sister. Living with my brother is not fun at all."

Jinwoo rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm going in first."

The two of you ran after Jinwoo. He had studied here 5 years ago, so everything was already familiar. Jinwoo knew that the meeting would take place in the conference room, not the homeroom teacher's office. He walked in that direction. His pace increased as he walked.

"Oppa, wait for me!!!"

Jinah also hurriedly ran after her brother.

"Hello, teacher!"

"Oh, hello!"

On the way, Jinwoo and you bowed to each teacher. But everyone was quite surprised when they greeted him back.

'Who is that?'

'Is that a former student? I don't remember there being such a student in the school.'

'Is he a new teacher?'

And it wasn't just the teachers who turned their heads.

"Whoa...so handsome!!!"

"Who is he?"

"Why is Jinah walking next to him?"

"Who is the woman that walks beside him?"

'...'

The whispers rang out. Jinah felt extremely excited. She listened to everything with a proud expression, then nudged Jinwoo's side with her elbow.

"Oppa, look at how everyone admires you!!!"

"Jinwoo is so famous" you teased him.

But Jinwoo didn't seem to mind.

"But don't betray Y/n unnie, or I'll hit you!"

Jinwoo didn't let the little girl off this time, he pinched her cheek. "I told you, Y/n isn't my girlfriend."

"Ah, I'm sorry..."

Jinwoo let her go. Jinah rubbed her red cheeks. You giggled.

While walking and arguing, they arrived. Jinah turned around before pointing at the room.

"It's here, oppa, unnie..."

As she was about to enter, Jinwoo suddenly turned to her sister.

"What about you?"

"Only the guardians and teachers are talking to each other! My mission is over here, goodbye oppa and unnie."

You wondered, "I can come in too?"

Jinwoo nodded, "It's fine, I can't leave you outside anyway."

"I heard that Jinah's brother is a hunter, right?"

Her eyes became serious.

"Yes, teacher!"

"If Jinah goes through the awakening stage, do you want her to become a hunter?"

"Definitely not"

Never.

Jinwoo answered decisively, and definitely without thinking. As if he had known the question and had prepared the answer. Her face fell slightly.

"As I expected..."

The teacher was hesitating, and Jinwoo gave her a skeptical look.

"Do you mind if I ask you for a favor?"

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To be continue.

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Chapter 8 »

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tag: @weaponxgames @sky2lar @snowy-violet @joannthebish @fackeraccount @tanspostsblog @perkypeony @ssolarsystm @winter-soldier-101 @delusionillusion3322 @o-qi-shisme @soft-dots @snowlycanroc

(let me know if I forget to tag anyone)

Everything I write is fiction and for entertainment purposes, please don't take anything seriously

[ilikerafayelwaytoomuch]

Help me learn?

Best friend! Rafayel x inexperienced! Reader

After getting stood up on another date, you find comfort in your best friend Rafayel. But what happens when he offers to give your first kiss?

Warnings/tags: little angst, both reader and Rafayel being a lil dumb, some fluff, smut, p in v, first time reader, blowjob, fingering, use of vibrator, I think that's all?? Not proofread so sorry if there's any mistakes, I'll proof later. Around 7k words 😵‍💫

A/n: haven't written smut in a long time and I may have gone a lil overboard...but I just love this trope and Raffie 😭

Walking through the door of Rafayel's apartment, I sighed, throwing my bag to the ground. “Another dud?” He asked, turning to look at me from the couch. I sighed again.

“Yep. This one didn't even bother to show up,” I informed him. He sighed as well. 

“You need better taste in men,” he stated, turning his focus back to the TV. I frowned. 

“It's not that bad,” I argued. “I just don't understand how people are able to use dating apps so easily and not get stood up every other date. Am I that unattractive?” I asked, feeling insecure. This was the third date in 2 weeks that had stood me up. The ones that did show up were awful, either their manners inexistent or huge red flags. I hadn't dated at all before this, making my insecurities even more rampant. Was I really hopeless? 25 years without so much of a kiss from someone. I was tired of being alone. Inexperienced. But I refused to just have sex with a random guy I didn't like just to say I've had sex. That was proving harder than I thought though. 

“Come sit,” Rafayel patted the seat next to him and I walked over and sat down, resting my head on his shoulder as his arm wrapped around my back. “You're not unattractive, quite the opposite really. These guys are just stupid.” 

“You have to say that. You're my best friend,” I argued. 

“I really don't have to say it. I say it because I mean it. Besides I literally tell you when your outfit is atrocious, why would I lie to you?” he teased. 

“Because saying a piece of clothing looks bad on me is very different than telling me I'm ugly. I just don't understand Raf. I try to be nice and do everything right. I'm fucking 25 and never been kissed for gods sake. I can't even get someone to kiss me, so therefore I must be pretty fucking repulsive,” I sniffed. I felt tears approaching and cursed myself for crying over something so dumb. These men didn't even deserve to be kissed, yet they showed no signs of being attracted to me at all. No one ever did. “Is that the problem? No one wants to kiss me because I've never kissed someone? Wouldn't someone like that in some sick weird perverted way? Yet still nothing,” I lamented, tears falling now. “I just feel so fucking stupid. I feel like I should just give up and be alone forever. Live and die a virgin.” Rafayel rested his head on mine with a sigh. 

“I know you won't believe me, but I promise you, you're gorgeous. These guys are really missing out on an incredible woman. You're so kind, caring, fun and so very pretty. It's easy for me to tell you to not place your worth in worthless guys, because it feels worse to be where you are. But try not to? I know one day you'll find someone worth it,” he comforted me. I nodded. His words helped some, but I still felt incredibly insecure. He wiped my tears with his sleeve and moved slightly to grab the remote, wordlessly putting on my favorite show. I stayed next to him for a few episodes, letting his presence comfort me. I wished that I could meet someone like him who cared about me. But all I got was shitty guys. And still no experience. I felt like I was missing out on a big part of life. And that sucked. “Can I stay the night?” I asked him between episodes.

“Of course you can. I'd be happy to binge watch this with you all night and the tub of ice cream sitting in my freezer,” he smiled. I nodded. 

“I'm gonna go wash up then,” I decided. 

“Sure. You know where everything is already.” I got up and headed to his bathroom connected to his room. I stopped by his closet to see if I had some clothes left here. I somehow didn't, even though I could have sworn I left some sweatpants here last time I crashed at his place. I had been stood up again, but had decided to drink away my sorrows. Rafayel had picked me up and brought me here to sleep. 

Instead, I found one of his shirts to sleep in and a pair of his sweats. They'd be big on me, but that was fine. I got into his shower, taking my time to wash up, using all of his fancy expensive products. Rafayel was very particular about his hair and skin care, always buying expensive products. I couldn't say the same for myself, so taking a shower at his place was like a little treat. Once out of the shower I followed up with more of his products, because how could I not. Once I was clean and cosy, I headed back out to his living room, joining him on the couch. For a moment I thought I caught him staring at me, eyes roaming my body and checking me out. I brushed it off, knowing it wasn't possible. He handed me a spoon and opened up the tub of ice cream, setting it between us and beginning to play the next episode of the show. 

It was comfortable. Sitting next to him, eating ice cream, wearing his clothes and watching a comfort show. The pains of being stood up had eased some, my mind being distracted. It was always comfortable with Rafayel. He never judged me for my weirdness or crying over stupid things. In fact, he was just about the only person I ever confided in. He didn't tell me I was weird for not having experience, telling me that it wasn't weird at all and shouldn't make a difference. He was the reason I felt confident enough to try dating. But even with all of this, his next words shocked me. “I could help if you want, you know,” he randomly informed me. 

“Help with what?” I asked, unsure what he was talking about. 

“Kissing,” he stated as if it was the easiest thing in the world. I almost dropped my spoon, surprised. I didn't know what to think or feel. “I just mean,” he paused, growing insecure himself. “If it'll help you feel better to have kissed someone you know before trying to kiss someone you don't, I can. That way you can say you at least have experience in that,” he glanced at me nervously. “But totally cool if you don't want to, I just thought I'd offer. Actually, now that I'm saying it out loud I don't know why I said that. You wouldn't want to kiss me-” 

“Okay,” I interrupted him, surprising myself as well as him. 

“What?” He stared at me, surprised. 

“I mean yeah, it would help. I know you and I feel safe with you so it wouldn't be as scary to kiss I don't think. It could probably help me feel more confident about things. But I don't want to make things weird or anything,” I explained, thinking out loud. It did make sense. I wanted to experience being kissed by someone I knew, not someone random. It was just a kiss. It didn't have to mean anything. He'd show me how and that would be that. Easy solution. After having kissed someone, I think I'd be less scared of initiating that or more with someone else. “Are you sure?” He breathed. 

“Yeah,” I said after a beat of silence, nodding. “You can show me how it's done. You always brag about how every girl says you're the best kisser. So why not learn from the best? It doesn't have to mean anything…” 

“Yeah, uh, okay,” he blinked, realizing that I had agreed to what he thought was a wild suggestion. “So, should we just–” he paused and looked at me. 

“Well I don't know what to do, that's why you're here,” I laughed. 

“Right,” he chuckled. “Here,” he took my spoon from me and set it down along with his spoon and the tub of ice cream on the coffee table. He stared at me expectantly and I tilted my head at him, signaling he was fully in the lead here and I had no idea how to begin. He twisted his body towards me before slowly leaning in. My breath caught in my throat at the distance. I could feel his breath on me, his nose almost touching mine. His head tilted slightly, hesitantly moving closer, before he suddenly stopped and frowned, groaning. “Ugh, at least close your eyes you weirdo,” he whined and I laughed, closing my eyes. I felt him move closer again, anticipation bubbling up in me. His lips gently pressed against mine, capturing them in an unfamiliar sensation. His lips were soft, softer than I would have guessed. He moved them against me, encouraging me to move. I did, hesitantly separating my lips slightly. His slotted between, deepening the kiss. I felt my face heating up, my whole body really. Rafayel's hand gently caught my face, pulling me into him more as our lips danced. My hands shook as I hesitantly reached for him, landing on his thighs. When he felt it, his other hand guided mine to his shoulders, wrapping around him. I scooted closer, wanting more. I gasped as I felt his tongue, teasing and exploring. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. And I wanted more. I felt hot all over, but like I needed to be closer to him. I no longer worried about how I was at kissing, only focusing on how I was feeling. Was kissing always this nice? If it was then I definitely was missing out. I felt like I was suffocating, but made no effort to stop. Rafayel was the one to pull back first, pressing his lips to mine one last time in a quick kiss before resting his forehead on mine. I felt his breath, panting onto mine. I was afraid to open my eyes. Afraid of what I'd see. Insecurity ripped at me once more. Was it awful? Is he repulsed? I peeked open my eyes to see him staring at me with an unfamiliar expression. It was like he was staring into my soul, searching for something or engraving a memory there. He blinked suddenly, backing away. “So yeah, that's uh, how you do that,” he stuttered. He backed away fully and gulped, avoiding my eyes. That scared me more than I thought it would. I took it as a sign that he hated every second, that he'd regretted his decision to offer. I nodded and bit my lip, looking away and praying I wouldn't cry. It felt even stupider to cry over. I sniffled and Rafayel's head shot up to look at me. “Are you crying?” He asked, voice trembling in fear. 

“No,” I lied, sniffing again. 

“What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? Are you okay?” He asked, concerned. I shook my head, too embarrassed to even explain what I felt. “Talk to me, please? What's going on in there?” He pleaded, worried he had done something wrong. He never wanted to hurt me, and if he had accidentally done something to upset me he wanted to know so he could fix it. 

“It's nothing,” I told him, stopping my tears. 

“It's not nothing if you're crying. Should I not have kissed you?” He asked softly. 

“It's not that,” I muttered. 

“Then what is it? Was it so awful and uncomfortable that it made you cry?” He asked, teasing but genuinely worried. 

“Are you sure it wasn't awful and uncomfortable for you?” I asked. His eyes widened. 

“Are you kidding me? Absolutely not. It was perfect,” he breathed. “Did you think I didn't enjoy it?” 

“I mean I don't know. It's not like I know what I'm doing and then you just looked away like I had slapped you,” I admitted. 

“You misunderstand. I did enjoy it, maybe more than I should have,” he slowly admitted. I understood what he was saying and was unsure what to say, so I just nodded. We were best friends. Best friends don't just kiss and enjoy it that much, do they? Is that a rule or something? Had we just ruined everything? Surely we could go back to normal after this…. “I'm gonna wash up,” Rafayel decided, disappearing pretty quickly. I sat on his couch, stunned. Worried. Pretty much feeling every emotion you could feel. Maybe it was a bad idea to kiss my best friend. I had just ruined everything. My one friend. I flopped onto the couch, laying down and hugging a pillow. Thoughts swarmed my head, attacking me. I pushed my eyes closed and wished them away, but instead, sleep greeted me. 

When I woke up I was confused as to where I was. Then I remembered what had happened. The date that stood me up. Rafayel. The kiss. Oh God the kiss. Could we pretend like it hasn't happened and go back to the way things were? Did I even want that? I was in Rafayel's bed and I knew I hadn't fallen asleep there, so he had to have brought me there. That was a good sign? I sat up and stretched, looking around to see Rafayel was not there. I heard movement outside, likely him making breakfast. It wasn't abnormal. I had spent the night with him before and had eaten breakfast with him. That's all this was. Normal. But why did it feel so scary to face him? He said he liked the kiss, but I had a hard time believing that. Either way, the kiss has changed things. And that scared me the most. I didn't want to lose Rafayel and our friendship. I couldn't lose him. So I decided to pretend I felt normal and that my mind wasn't flooded with confused emotions. “Morning,” I greeted Rafayel entering the kitchen. 

“Sleep okay?” He asked, turning to look at me. I nodded. 

“Whatcha making?” 

“Just some eggs.” 

“Perfect, something you can't burn,” I teased. 

“Everyone knows the first three pancakes don't turn out,” he argued. 

“Mm, but that's the first three. Not most of them burning.”

“It was a new pan!” He pouted. “Apparently I should have made more to show you I can make pancakes just fine without burning them.” 

“Next time then,” I chuckled. He shook his head. 

“Better watch it or you're not eating.” 

“You wouldn't dare,” I gasped. 

“Try me,” he sang. I laughed, making him smile. He got a couple plates and handed me one with food on it. We sat and ate as normal. Everything was going pretty normally. Almost too much so. We avoided talking about the night before or really anything even closely related to it. Just talking about surface level things. It felt a bit tense. We were still talking and teasing as usual, but it was different. I prayed it wouldn't last and we'd go back to normal. After we ate, I had to grab my things and head home, having work to get to. 

Almost a full week passed and I hadn't heard anything from Rafayel. That wasn't normal. I was terrified. I was worried I'd messed everything up and would lose him. I couldn't lose my best friend, my only friend. He said he liked the kiss, maybe even too much so…what did that even mean? Did he regret it? Regretted it because now he's repulsed even just by my sight? No. That didn't make sense. Maybe he was like me. The kiss unlocked deeper feelings for him than I had realized were there. But I knew he couldn't feel the same, he always went for the exact opposite of me. He was comfortable with his sexuality, with intimacy and things in general. I wasn't. I was too rigid and anxious. He was carefree and moved with the wind. I never gave myself a chance to think of him romantically. But after the kiss, that had changed. Feeling for him had been building up in the box I buried them in. And they wanted out. All I knew was that the silence was killing me. I couldn't lose him. I had texted him and called and heard nothing. So I took matters into my own hands. 

I knocked on his door, unfamiliar to me, but it felt better than just walking in as normal. He opened the door, looking disheveled- his hair looked like his hands had ran through it countlessly, his sweatpants hanging low on his hips and tank top strap sliding down. “Y/n,” his eyes widened. “Wh-what are you doing here?” He asked, seemingly out of breath. 

“You haven't answered me all week-” 

“Rafa?” A woman's voice interrupted me and felt like a slap to my face. It was then I put two and two together…his appearance, a woman's voice calling to him…

“Oh, I'm sorry,” I began, voice shaking as emotions took over. “I didn't realize…bye,” I suddenly spoke, turning and leaving without giving him a chance to say anything. Tears pricked at my eyes, beginning to fall as I felt my heart break. Of course he didn't like me. He only said he enjoyed the kiss to make me feel better. I should have known. I should have kept a better lock on my feelings. I went home and broke down, cursing myself for making things even more complicated. But only more complicated for myself. Rafayel probably couldn't even stand the thought of me. I should have gotten the hint when he didn't say anything for a week. I had messed everything up. 

I woke up to pounding at my door. I had fallen asleep crying last night, heartbroken. Not bothering to change out of my PJs, I got up to answer the door. My eyes widened when I was met with Rafayel. I said nothing, not even knowing what to say after interrupting him yesterday. “Can we talk?” He breathed, looking unsure. I nodded and let him in. We sat on my couch, saying nothing. I didn't know what to say. I was heartbroken over someone who was never mine. My emotions and feelings were all over the place. I didn't know how to feel. “I'm sorry about yesterday,” Rafayel broke the silence. 

“You don't need to be sorry. I'm the one who interrupted you and your company,” I muttered.

“Not that, well yes that. I'm sorry I'm such an asshole. That I did that to you,” he breathed.

“I really don't know what you're talking about Rafayel,” I admitted. He nodded and took a breath. 

“Last week, when I offered to kiss you,” he began. “I did that because I liked you, because I like you. I didn't really mean to say it, but then you agreed and I felt like I had won the lottery. I was going to kiss the girl of my dreams. But then, after, I realized I had messed up. You're my best friend. Like you said, the kiss didn't mean anything. I panicked and worried I had messed up. I tried to tell myself the kiss meant nothing, that what I had felt wasn't that. I tried to get over it, over you, but I can't. It doesn't matter who I see or what I do, all I can think about is you. How your lips felt against mine. How if you were mine I'd get to kiss you whenever I wanted. How you mean everything to me, but I was too afraid to say anything because you were actively dating other people. Actively looking for someone that wasn't me. I thought I was okay with just being friends, that I could get over you, but I can't. It wasn't right of me to do what I did with her yesterday, wasn't right to you or her. And for that I am sorry. It was stupid. But I realized that I can't get over you. No one can replace you, y/n. I want you. I want to be yours. I want to take you on dates and show you how you deserve to be treated unlike all those guys who stood you up. I want to experience your firsts with you. I know it's messed up to say as I'm clearly not a virgin, but thinking about someone else experiencing that with you makes me so jealous. I want you to myself, even though I messed up. I'm sorry.” 

“Kinda weird to apologize about being balls deep in another woman last night and then confess to another woman the morning after,” I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. He laughed breathlessly. 

“To be fair, I didn't actually sleep with her. I couldn't after I saw you. She was rightfully pissed about it,” he admitted. 

“I was mostly kidding. I was afraid I had messed everything up. I buried my feelings for you when we first met, thinking I'd never have the chance. I didn't know that those feelings grew in the box I buried until you kissed me and they exploded out. Then I saw you with another woman and I figured I was just an idiot,” I shrugged. 

“I'm the idiot. I should have just confessed to you then and there.” 

“We both are. I should have brought it up after. Talked about it with you,” I nodded. An awkward silence grew, feelings out in the open. “So, what now?” I asked, unsure. 

“I show you how sorry I am?” He smiled. I tilted my head, confused. “Let me take you out tonight for dinner. Take you on a proper date?” 

“I'd like that,” I nodded. 

“Aaaaaand if you’re so willing we could go back to my place after and I can make it up to you even more, show you how other things are done,” he smirked. 

“Don't get too far ahead of yourself,” I chuckled. 

“That wasn't a no?” He raised his brow. 

“It wasn't a no,” I agreed. He smiled. 

“I'll see you tonight then? I'll pick you up around 6?” He asked. 

“It's a date,” I agreed. He smiled and nodded. 

“But before I go, I have to do this,” he warned, reaching for my chin and kissing me. He sighed when our lips met, pecking my lips once more before looking at me. “Been thinking about that since last week.” 

“Me too. Now get out of here I have to get ready for a hot date tonight,” I smiled at him. He laughed and stood, leaving me in my apartment. 

The date went well, obviously. Rafayel had showed up with my favorite flowers, dressed nicely. We ate at a restaurant neither of us had been to, but had heard a lot about. It was comfortable. Fun. Somehow, his silliness charmed me as he wiggled his eyebrows and asked if I wanted to go to his place, as I agreed. We were sitting on his couch and I was a bit confused. We had obviously gone back to his place for a reason, we both knew that. Yet Rafayel hadn't made a move. We were just chatting away on his couch. I was getting a bit frustrated. “Rafayel?” I asked suddenly. 

“Yes?” He blinked. 

“When are you going to make a move?” I asked. 

“What?” He stuttered. 

“We both know why we're here, unless I misread every single signal in the book. Do you not want to?” 

“I do!” He quickly spoke. “I just- are you really sure about this? You want me to be your first?” 

“I do. More than anything,” I confirmed, tone serious. He nodded, but still made no effort to move. With everything out in the open once more, I felt a bit more confident. I chuckled before moving to settle on his lap, facing him and pressing my lips to his. Despite my inexperience, Rafayel happily complied, hands resting on my hips and lips moving against mine. The kiss quickly turned more desperate, sending waves of heat to my core. I moved to catch my breath, lowering my lips to his jaw. Rafayel gasped, bit tilted his head back slightly, allowing more room. “Someone's feeling bold now,” he breathed as I moved my lips lower, sucking slightly. His fingers tightened on my hips and I smiled against his skin. 

“Just always wanted to try this,” I admitted. “Can I leave a mark?” I asked, a bit embarrassed. 

“Anything you want,” he breathed, letting out a small moan as I left a small hickey on his neck. “Fuck, you'll be the death of me.” I smiled at him, sitting up to look at him. His cheeks were flushed and eyes lidded with desire. I unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his chest. “Oh? This fast,” he smirked. I pouted and he laughed, helping me take the rest of his shirt off. 

It wasn't the first time I had seen Rafayel shirtless, but it felt different this time. I hesitantly touched his stomach and he grabbed my hand, leading it to brush down his torso, starting at his chest. My breathing deepened, Rafayel's intense gaze on me. I eyed him curiously, brushing a finger against his nipple. He gasped and slapped a hand over his mouth. “You,” he breathed, surprised. I smirked at him. 

“Figured you'd be all sensitive,” I giggled, feeling more confident and tugging on his nipple now. I continued to play with his chest, squeezing, brushing and flicking to my heart's desires as I watched him wriggle beneath me. His chest rose and fell rapidly, small gasps leaving his throat. He was even more flushed now, redness creeping down his neck. And the best of all, was feeling how hard he was, all because of me. I wanted to try more though. I wanted to hear more from him. Hurriedly, I unbuttoned his pants, trying to push them down. He wasted no time in raising his hips to help me, but stopped me from moving further. “Are you sure you want to?” He breathed, trying to catch his breath. I nodded. 

“I do. I probably won't be that good at it, but I wanna make you feel good,” I explained. He nodded as I sunk to the floor in front of the couch, waiting. He groaned at the sight and threw his head back. “I haven't even done anything yet,” I teased. 

“You're too gorgeous, I don't know if I can even handle you with my cock in your hands or mouth,” he admitted, making me chuckle. I insistently tugged on the band of his underwear and he listened, taking them off. His cock sprung out, almost resting against his stomach, shining with precum. I stared at the sight. “Nothing?” He asked, looking down at me. I shrugged. 

“It's not like I've been this up close and personal with a real dick before,” I rolled my eyes. “It's nicer than I thought. More pretty than pictures, but I also have no idea how that's going to fit.” He chuckled at my honesty. 

“Want some guidance for this or you just wanna go for it?” He asked. 

“Help for now? I wanna know what you like, what you do when you stroke your cock,” I admitted. His jaw dropped, not expecting the lewd words from my mouth. 

“Fuck ok. Give me your hand,” he instructed. He wrapped my hand around his cock, his hand on top to guide me. “Like this,” he demonstrated, moving it up and down and squeezing some. “Don't be afraid to squeeze it more, just have fun and go with it,” he breathed out slowly. I nodded and he removed his hand. I was hesitant at first, moving slowly before deciding to speed up. That was the right move, Rafayel moaning at the pace, his head lulling back. I continued, experimenting as he said to see what he liked. It was not only helpful that Rafayel was vocal, but also incredibly hot. I was burning up, panties sticking uncomfortably to me. Rafayel was whining now, pawing at my shirt. I took it off without hesitating, my lacy bra on full display. He moaned at the sight before throwing his head back. It was then I decided to be even more confident, wrapping my lips around him. He yelped in shock, eyes widening in shock as he looked at me. I smiled at him, humming in content that he was now watching me. “Shit, you like me looking at you like this?” He asked, and I nodded, beginning to bob up and down. His hand gently made its way into my hair, Rafayel using every bit of focus to not thrust into my mouth. “Your tits look so good, fuck. Did you buy that just for me?” He asked, I smiled and nodded, taking him further into my mouth and almost choking. I gagged and Rafayel chuckled. “Careful baby. Take it at your own pace. You can use your hands for the rest,” he suggested. I took his suggestion, using my hands to reach what my mouth couldn't. I found my pace, making Rafayel get louder as he approached his orgasm. I was surprised when he wordlessly pushed my head off of him, his hands reaching down to finish himself off. He cursed as he came, spurts landing on my breasts as I watched him in awe. He had never looked so ethereal, head thrown back as he screamed my name. He recovered almost too quickly, pulling me up onto his lap and kissing me. Before I could ask how I did, he was picking me up and carrying me to his bed, setting me down on it. I gasped as my back bounced against his bed and he dove in immediately, licking up his cum from my chest. I moaned into his touch, the feeling of his tongue on my breasts and the lewd sight of him cleaning me up. “Fuck Raf,” I breathed, chest pounding. He stopped and smiled at me. 

“Did so good for me, let me repay you?” He asked. I nodded and he reached behind me to unclasp my bra, my breasts falling. I was insecure about their size and Rafayel somehow knew this. I had complained multiple times about them being too large for certain tops, he always disagreed. He was more than excited to show them the love he believed they deserved, hand immediately groping them. “Told you they're so pretty,” he mumbled, eyes locked onto them in awe as he played with them. He wasted no time in wrapping his lips around my right nipple, making me whine and arch into him. “Gonna convince you to let me see em more, my pretty girls,” he chuckled, suckling harder before switching. 

“Raf,” I whined, pulling his hair slightly, my chest beginning to hurt from all the attention. He moaned at the feeling, throwing me off. He froze, burying his face in my chest. “Did you just– are you into that?” I asked curiously, tugging his hair again. His hips jerked into my leg as he softly moaned. 

“Don't make fun of me,” he whined, pressing his lips into a kiss between my breasts. He trailed kisses lower and lower, making my breathing deepen as I shuddered. He paused when he reached my pants, looking up at me. “Are you sure you still want this? We can stop at any time,” he asked. I smiled at him. 

“I'm sure. I want this. I want you,” I confirmed. He nodded and I felt his fingers frap the top of my pants. 

“Then let's get these out of the way, shall we?” He smiled, pulling down my pants in one go. He licked his lips when he saw my panties, lacy and matching my discarded bra. “You're so cute,” he breathed, head dropping onto my stomach. “Gonna have to buy you some more sets so I can see you and worship you in them more,” he sighed, pulling them down as well. I bit my lip and looked away, afraid to see his reaction to me completely bare. He wanted none of that, gently turning my chin towards him in a kiss. “You're perfect,” he told me, looking into my eyes and making sure that I knew he meant it. “I know no one's done this before, just tell me if you feel uncomfortable and I'll stop immediately okay?” 

“Okay,” I breathed as I watched him move lower, settling in between my legs. I felt his breath on me as he breathed in my scent before diving in, licking a teasing stripe across my folds. I gasped at the feeling, legs instinctively wanting to close. Rafayel placed an arm across my hips, the other gently holding my thigh so I wouldn't move. He continues to explore, slurping away as if starved as he moaned. I was doing no better myself at staying quiet, hands finding his hair and pulling slightly. When I looked down, I saw his hips rutting into his mattress, his eyes briefly making contact with mine before he smiled and moved his tongue to circle my clit. My hips jerked, held down by his arm. 

I yelped in half surprise, half discomfort when I felt one of his fingers enter. “You okay?” Rafayel immediately paused. I nodded. “Just bear with it, I promise you'll feel good soon, but if not, let me know.” I nodded once more and his tongue returned, focusing on my clit. After a moment he experimentally moved his finger, gently thrusting it in. He set a slower pace, eventually adding another. “Raf, I,” I began to panic, tugging his hair up. He stopped once again and looked at me, caressing my face. “Is it too much?” He asked. 

“I dont- I don't know,” I managed to get out, feeling unsure. 

“Do you want to stop?” He asked, looking for an honest answer in my eyes. I hesitated. 

“Not really. I'm just nervous or something, I don't know,” I tried to explain. He nodded in understanding and pressed a kiss to my forehead. 

“We can stop if it's too much, I promise that's okay. I don't want you to be scared or uncomfortable. Is there anything I can do to help?” He paused. “Have you touched yourself before?” 

“Rafayel,” I covered my face, embarrassed. He chuckled and moved my hands. 

“It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I only ask because if there's something you know you like and I can do to make you feel better, I want to do that. More clit stimulation? Less? Slower pace?” He rambled. 

“I…have,” I winced. “But I don't really prefer my fingers and things,” I whispered, embarrassed. He nodded. 

“More of a vibe gal? Does that make it more comfortable?” He asked. I hesitated, still feeling a bit uncomfortable talking about it with him. But he seemed so sincere, it was harder to be completely embarrassed. “It usually helps, yeah,” I admitted. 

“Mm wait here, lemme see what I got,” he said before running off, bare ass out disappearing into his bathroom. I furrowed my brows in confusion, laying there in his bed. He returned with a smile, holding a small black bullet vibe in his hand. “Will this do?” He asked me, showing me. My mouth opened and closed. Where the hell did he get a vibrator? Was it his or some random woman's? Did he get it to use on another woman? 

“Um, probably, but, whos- where,” I stuttered, unsure what to ask or how to ask it. 

“It's mine. Only been used on me too, but I'm willing to share,” he smiled. My eyes widened. 

“You?” I began, he cut me off with a laugh. 

“Everyone masturbates sweetie. I was curious about what it's do for me so I bought one. Didn't really like it, but I'm glad I kept it because now I can use it on you,” he explained. I blinked but nodded slowly. “Now let's just hope this babys got enough battery,” he said before kissing my nose and lowering once again. I felt the cold tip of the vibrator press against my clit and I instinctively pressed into it. It clicked on and I let out a moan at the feeling, relaxing immediately. I felt Rafayel watching me, looking for any reaction from me. He turned it up another notch at the same time I felt his finger enter me again. My back arched slightly. “Better?” Rafayel asked. I nodded. 

“Mmm, yeah,” I admitted. He nodded, beginning to thrust his finger before adding another. He added a third while simultaneously speeding up the vibrator, beginning to move it in small circles on my clit. His fingers began to thrust faster, curling slightly and making me cry out, seeing stars. It was an overwhelming amount of pleasure, coiling up in my stomach. “I'm close,” I warned Rafayel. 

“Mm, go ahead and let go for me baby. Let me see you cum,” he lazily encouraged me, continuing his pace with his fingers and vibe. The tight band in my stomach snapped, an orgasm rolling through me. I whined as I came down, the vibrator still on my clit and overstimulating me. Rafayel had mercy and turned it off, pulling his fingers out and licking them clean. I couldn't focus on him, not realizing he had sunk lower until I felt his tongue moving across me, gathering my cum in his mouth as he moaned at the taste. “Raf, it's too much,” I pulled at his hair, dazed. 

“You can handle it, love. Can't let it go to waste,” he slurred out, not making an effort to stop anytime soon. He lazily licked up my cum as I squirmed, overstimulation turning into me wanting more. Rafayel finally deemed his job of cleaning me up done, stopping to kiss me once again. I groaned into it, pulling him closer to me. I was exhausted, but I craved more. “Need you,” I breathed out. He nodded, breaking the kiss and grabbing a condom from his bedside table. He seemed drunk, drunk on my taste and me beneath him. 

“Gonna make you feel good,” he muttered, slipping the condom on and pulling my legs up and onto his shoulders. I blushed, his eyes bore into mine, biting his lip. “God, you're so beautiful. Can't believe you're in front of me,” he admitted, moving his cock between my folds, but not pushing in. I blushed more at his words, not exactly feeling pretty in the compromising position. He looked down, guiding his cock into my entrance before looking at me for any signs of discomfort. I breathed in sharply at the intrusion and Rafayel was quick to reach over and grab the vibrator, turning it on the lowest setting and pressing it to my clit. “Relax for me baby. Let me in,” he instructed. My body reacted, letting him push into me further. He dropped the vibrator when he was all the way in, both of us moaning at the feeling, the vibrator forgotten and still buzzing to the side. Rafayel breathed heavily, letting me adjust. What once felt like pain began to be pleasure and I needed him to move, my hips grinding up onto him. He groaned, and got the hint, hips slowly moving back, cock almost slipping out before he moved his hips back in. The pace was unbelievably slow for both of us. “Feels so good,” Rafayel muttered. 

“So full. I need more,” I told him, pace too slow. He nodded, picking up the pace by thrusting into me faster, still pulling out slow. Rafayel watched me as he moved, jaw dropped in awe when he slammed into me fully, soaking in the feeling when he pulled out. It was addicting. But not enough. I clawed at his arms, begging him to speed up. “I don't know if I can keep it together,” he warned. 

“Then don't. Please Rafayel, I can take it. I need more. I need you,” I cried. He nodded and his pace immediately switched, pounding into me as quickly as he could. I cried out, holding onto whatever I could of his. His eyes never left me, watching my face or my body, watching the way everything moved as he pounded into me, watching where we were connected. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the buzzing vibrator and got an idea, reaching for it. He turned it up and pressed it against my clit, the vibration making me scream his name. The vibration was strong enough for him to feel it, his cock being sucked in deliciously while the vibrator added extra stimulation to it. “Fuck, you're taking me so well. I'm not gonna last much longer,” he warned. 

“I can't!” I breathed, not even able to form sentences. Rafayel smirked, proud of himself for getting me into this state. 

“Cum with me,” he demanded, thrusting a few more times before coming undone, exploding into the condom. I came just as quick, milking him for all he had, squirting slightly on his cock. Rafayel collapsed onto me, wrapping his arms around me. We stayed like that for a while, coming down from our highs and returning to reality. “Oh my God,” I breathed, embarrassed when I realized that I had squirted. “Did I really?” 

“Mmm yeah. Didn't think I'd make you feel good enough to squirt on my cock,” he teased. “Gonna set my expectations high.” 

“I'm sor-” 

“Don't. You have nothing to be sorry for. That was fucking hot. Nothing you did today was bad. You were absolutely perfect. More than perfect. Everything I could have ever wanted and more. So don't apologize,” he cut me off. I nodded. We stayed like that a bit longer, until Rafayel sighed. “We should get cleaned up,” he reasoned but didn't move. 

“We should,” I agreed. 

“Before that, and I'm totally not saying this just to stay here a bit longer, we should talk?” 

“About what?”

“I wanna make sure you had a good time and you felt good. That everything was okay or if there's anything I can do next time?” He asked, kissing my jaw. 

“I can assure you that was probably the best I've ever felt. It was perfect. You were perfect. Is there anything I should change or do?” I asked. He shook his head. 

“If you having no experience felt like that, I can't wait for more,” he laughed. I laughed with him and he sighed, getting up and pulling out. After disposing of his condom, he picked me up and carried me to his bathroom, placing me on the counter while he ran a bath. Rafayel put me in the bath before getting in behind me, wrapping his arms around me again. He was always clingy, but felt extra clingy now. I was perfectly okay with that. He helped clean me up, noticing I was on the verge of sleep. Once we were done, he helped me out of the bath and info some of his clothes to sleep in. He practically clung to me when he got into his bed after me, holding me closely and pressing a kiss to my neck. “Thank you for trusting me. Sleep well my love,” he whispered. 

“Thank you for taking care of me. Sweet dreams fishie.” 

[dragonnarrative-writes]

Slasher Handler Part 11 - Slip Lead

Slasher Handler Masterlist

Read on AO3

NSFW under the cut.

CW: Implied stalking/surveillance, implied kidnapping, physical injury, deception/emotional manipulation, physical violence, injury with knife, genuinely not enough information, hidden weapons

Something about stabbing him, about meeting Price, has resulted in you being able to stray a bit farther from Simon’s orbit. You’re still on a rather short lead, there is a list of unspoken rules between the two of you as long as your arm. But you’re going out alone more. You don’t feel Simon’s eyes on you every moment he’s out of your sight. It’s weird.

But when it comes to Simon, it’s best not to look a gift horse in the mouth. So you start a routine of going to the cafe down the street twice a week or so to work and see other human beings. It’s surprisingly difficult, some days. More than once, you’ve felt too exposed and retreated back home. These days, you have more good days than bad. As long as people don’t talk to you too much, you’re fine.

So it’s a bit jarring when someone clears his throat while you’re wrangling spreadsheets.

The man is in a light jacket, tee shirt and jeans. Looks like he works out. Kind of a stupid haircut, but he’s at least committed to it. Very distinct looking, Simon’s voice says in your head, easy to track. Unlikely to cause problems.

Something about him makes the hair on your arms stand on end.

“D’ya mind?” he gestures to the chair across from you. At your skeptical look, he rushes to assure you, “ Jus’ fer mah coffee, ‘n t’read,” holding up a thick paperback. He gestures to the rest of the cafe. “Wouldnae bother you, but this’s the only open chair.”

The shop is unusually crowded. You frown up at him. “I’m really busy.”

“Willnae hear a peep from me,” he promises, setting down his coffee and pulling out the chair across from you. He turns the chair so he’s facing more of the room instead of the corner you’re in. And he opens his book.

You watch him for a minute, but he doesn’t look up. It’s hard to shake the feeling that something is wrong, but you do need to work. With a last wary glance at him, you settle your headphones over your ears - transparency on - and get back to organizing a data set that reminds you of a ball of duct tape.

It’s time for a break before you know it. Your companion, true to his word, hasn’t said a peep since he sat down, more than an hour ago. He barely looks up as you close your laptop before turning back to his book. He does look up when you flag down one of the servers.

“Lunch,” you say, inanely. To the server, you say, “Can I get the chicken sandwich today?”

“Chips ‘n a lemonade, yeah?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

They turn to your table mate. “And for you?”

“The same, ah guess?” He raises his eyebrows at you, like he expects you to give him permission or something. He looks back at the server. “Yeah, a chicken piece for me, as well. ‘Nd a juice?”

“Separate checks?”

“Aye, ta,” the guy says. When the server leaves, he blanches. “Hope you dinnae mind.”

You do mind, but it’s not like he can sit anywhere else right now. “It’s fine.”

He sets his book on the table, and your eyebrows shoot up. Whatever you thought he’d be reading, Jurassic Park wasn’t it. He grins. “Ah ken. It’s old, yeah? But it’s a damn sight better’n the movie.”

“Isn’t that how it goes,” you say, vaguely. 

But you’ve already fallen into his trap. He turns his chair to face you, crossing his arms and leaning into the table. His eyes are unnervingly blue - somehow even bluer than Simon’s - and bright with interest. “’M serious. It’s not just that a character yells in the movie and speaks softly in the book, aye? In fact, the movie made Dr. Sattler older, aye? Great choice, emphasize ‘er expertise.” 

Aging up a woman character? You’re reluctantly intrigued. “She was a less important character in the book?”

“Nae,” the man scoffs. “She’s probably the first o’em to realize how shite the whole thing is. Notices things. Stuff the other’s aren’t payin’ attention to because she’s the plant expert, an’ naebody pays attention to plants.”

You find yourself drawn in, in spite of yourself. Johnny, as he introduces himself, has obviously been waiting for a chance to talk about it, but he’s not pushy. He excitedly pulls a pen from his pocket to doodle along with his explanations. By the time your food has arrived, he’s convinced you to at least try the audiobook.

“I cannae pay attention stuff in mah ears,” he says with a grin as he starts to dig in. “But I hear good things, if you don’t ‘ave time to sit an’ read the text.”

As you nod along, you look up and almost choke on your next swallow. Simon is outside, looking at you through the window with raised eyebrows above his usual black surgical mask. His eyes flick to give the man at your table an obvious once over. And then he turns away and walks out of sight.

“Ye alrigh’?” Johnnys’ eyebrows are up near his hairline when you look back at him. “Ye look like ye’ve seen a ghost.”

“Y-yeah,” you say, torn between staying seated and the urge to run after Simon. You can’t help but look at the window again, but he’s gone, there’s nothing for it. “Sorry, I thought… Sorry. Yeah, I’ll get the audiobook.”

When you get home, Simon is on the couch, the TV on with the volume low. He watches you, like he always does, as you take off your shoes and shuffle around to put away your things. When you finally join him on the couch, you find that he’s watching a nature documentary. A crocodile slides under the water with barely a ripple.

“He was only sitting with me because there wasn’t anywhere else,” you rush to say.

Simon turns to cock his head at you. “You get ‘is name?”

“John. Johnny,” you answer. “He told me about his book, but I left as soon as we were done eating.”

“Good,” he says with a nod. He lifts the arm closest to you, pulling you close as you settle into his side. “’S good to have friends, Precious.”

“He’s not a friend. Just some guy out to lunch like everyone else.” 

“You let him stay,” Simon points out. He squeezes you in a rough approximation of a one armed hug. “Been nervous around people, but you’re gettin’ better.”

This isn’t what you expected. You can’t help but side-eye him. “You’re… proud of me?”

Simon’s lips press gently against your forehead. “’S long as you pick better this time, I don’t mind you ‘aving friends. Can’t keep you all to myself forever. ‘Sides, you’ve marked me proper, ‘aven’t you? Got me as your little pet. Johnny’s not gonna be a problem.”

The little pink scar around his ribs is little more than a raised line. You slide your fingers under his shirt to pet at it. Among all of his scars, it’s one of the smallest. You’d cried the first time he’d let you see under the bandages.

“You’re not a pet,” you grumble, leaning your head on his shoulder. “You’re an alligator who won’t leave my house.”

“Your alligator, now,” Simon agrees. He focuses back on the television, seemingly done with the conversation.

You could leave it at that. But you turn to face him, instead. “You’re not mad?”

“Not unless ‘e ‘urts ya.” Simon presses his lips against your hair. “An’ I wouldn’t let that ‘appen.”

The following week, though, he stands over you with an exaggerated grimace at how crowded the place is. “Och, d’ya mind?”

Johnny is there the next time you go to the cafe. He waves from his table, but ducks back into his notebook without waving you over. So you work from your own table in peace. When you take a break for lunch, he’s gone. Two days later, it’s the same. It’s easier to concentrate, now that you’re less worried that he’ll take the conversation from the other day as an invitation. 

With a sigh, you clear some space for him. But just like last time, he keeps to himself, reading and occasionally jotting things down in his notebook. It’s not until just before lunch that he breaks the silence.

“D’y’ve a boyfriend then?” You can’t keep yourself from cringing fast enough, apparently, because he laughs. “Sorry, sorry, shouldnae asked.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you grumble.

“Aw,” he coos. “Don’ worry hen. You’re right bonnie. Ah’m sure they’ll come around, whoever they are.”

That would be sweet, if it wasn’t so painfully off base. “Yeah. Sure.”

“Oh, you’re right done wit’ me,” he laughs. “Ah ken’t I shoulda kept mah mouth shut. Ma always said runnin’ mah mouth would get me into trouble. I won’t bother ye again.” 

You roll your eyes. “It’s fine. I just don’t want to talk about it.”

He doesn’t push, and you’re grateful. But when it comes time to pay for lunch, he insists on paying. It grates on your nerves. A gift from a guy is never just generosity, you learned that long before Brandon. But you clench your jaw and pack your bag up a bit more roughly than usual and say your goodbyes.

“They didn’t have the brownies you wanted,” you announce as you return home from the grocer, two days later. “I think it was a limited edi…tion…”

You notice Simon watching through the window, but he’s there and gone before you can get a read on his expression.

There’s a smattering of blood on the entryway carpet.

You don’t drop the bag with the eggs, but only because your muscles are locked up. Did someone break into the apartment? Was Simon here when they did, or next door? Did they leave? Did he take them?

A sound makes you gasp before you bite your tongue hard enough to taste blood. And then again, a muffled groan, close, from the direction of your couch. 

It’s not Simon’s voice.

You gently set your bags down and reach behind the coats for the blackjack Simon insisted on leaving there for security. There’s a rustling. Another groan. You stoop low, trying to make yourself a smaller target, and creep around the edge of the couch.

When you see Johnny, bound and gagged, shirt covered in blood where he lies on the floor, your stomach drops so fast you feel dizzy.

“No, no, no, no, no,” you whisper, dropping the jack with a thump. You crawl over to him, looking around frantically. Simon is nowhere to be seen. But he did this. He had to have done this. Right?

Johnny twitches, groans again, eyelids fluttering open. When he sees you, his eyes go wide, and he frantically tries to sit up.

“No, don’t! I don’t know where you’re hurt,” you hiss. You reach around his head to untie the cloth that’s gagging him. “Oh my god-”

“We gotta get out’f here, bonnie,” he grunts, leaning into your hands as you help him upright. He spits blood on the floor. “No tellin’ when that mental bastard gets back.”

“Oh god,” you whisper again, touching the front of his shirt. It’s dark and sticky in a bloom across his chest. “Where are you hurt? Did he stab you?”

“Ah’m okay,” he grunts. “A bit banged up, but ah’ll live.”

You swallow down the urge to vomit. “There’s a lot of blood, Johnny.”

“S’nae all mine,” he answers. “C’mon, untie me, before Simon gets back.”

You’re shifting to reach behind him before your mind catches up. You can feel the blood drain from your face. “W-what? What did you say?”

“We need to get out of here!”

“No, you said his name, you called him - ”

“Simon? That’s what ye called him when you came home,” he hisses. 

“No, I didn’t,” you whisper, body stuttering between frozen and electrified. You never call Simon’s name where others can hear. “And - and I - you - you were unconscious.”

Shining blue eyes stare into yours from two inches away. Johnny’s bloody mouth curls into a smile. “Oh, he’s trained you up good, he has.”

You scream when he lunges forward, huge arms grabbing at you. 

His weight crushes the air out of your lungs when your back hits the ground. You twist under him, using the arm he hasn’t trapped to grab his hair and yank. He swears, and loosens his hold just enough that you’re able to free your other hand and jab him in the throat.

You expect the way that he chokes, but the hand he’s twisted in the back of your shirt stays locked tight. He coughs out a frenzied laugh as you twist. Your heart races as he prevents you from getting your knees up between your belly and his. But he doesn’t expect you to hammer the heel of your boot against the back of his knee, or how you use the leverage against his leg to roll away onto your belly. 

He doesn’t let go of you, but that’s fine, that’s okay, as long as you can reach under the edge of the couch. Johnny pounces, body curling around you without quite pinning you down. His fingers twist into your hair in an echo of how you wrenched at him. But he doesn’t stop your hand, grabbing the leg of the couch and then reaching under and up and-

“Try again, Bonnie,” Johnny chuckles into your ear when your hand meets nothing but cotton and wood.

Your heart doesn’t have time to stop. The grinding pain between your hip bone and the floor makes you pop up your pelvis and reach down. The tiny knife, Little K, jumps to your hand. It’s so easy to flick it open, you think you almost cut your own belly as you heave. Johnny rides you for a moment, then pops up onto his knees to let you roll freely.

You don’t have time to decide, gut or femoral, you just swing. Denim parts, pressure - 

Johnny yelps.

His weight is suddenly gone, and the arc of your arm slams the back of your hand and your elbow onto the carpet. It’s a shock, almost hard enough to make you drop the knife. You flick your eyes around, nearly blind with tunnel vision, and see Johnny standing over you. His jeans are slashed, outer thigh almost to crotch, but you can’t see blood, fuck.

He sways, oddly. Is your vision swimming? He doesn’t descend on you again, though, just laughs and wiggles. One of his feet isn’t on the ground, his injured leg is dangling, did you get him?

You imagine you can see Simon’s face, a little angry and a little amused. If you die here, Johnny will live to see his own intestines, you know it. Even if you survive, he won’t. Simon might gift you another skull. The thought almost has a laugh bubbling out of you. 

“You stupid motherfucker,” you hiss. 

“Oh, now you’ve done it.”

Simon’s voice startles you into action. You’re off your back and scrabbling backward in and instant as he manifests behind Johnny. Except, you realize, that Simon is holding Johnny up, one arm snaked under Johnny’s and hand around the back of his neck. That’s why Johnny looks off balance, it’s because he is, because Simon is here, he’s going to save you-

“Did real good, Precious,” Simon says with a grin. “Knew you’d get along.”

What? “What?”

Simon says something else, but you can barely hear him over your heart pounding in your ears. But you hear it when Johnny laughs. You see when Simon releases him with a ruffle to his mohawk and a shove toward the armchair. Before you know it, Simon’s scooped you into his arms and taken his usual seat on the couch. He pries the knife from your hand and snaps it closed. 

“Told you I was thinkin’ of gettin you a dog,” Simon rumbles, sitting you in his lap so your back is against his chest. Before you can protest that no, he never once mentioned a fucking dog, he continues, “This’n’s mostly ‘ousebroken, already. Soap needs a firm ‘and, but you c’n ‘andle him. 

Soap? What the fuck does soap have to do with anything? What kind of a name is…

"Oi!” Simon barks. “Off the furniture.”

Your stomach drops as you remember John Price, two months ago now. “Soap’s supposed to be my troublemaker, not you.” Soap.

When your wide eyes swing to him,  Johnny’s face is split into a toothy grin. He tips his head back against the seat of the arm chair. One of his hands touches the blood blooming through his jeans and brings it up to his lips. He laves his tongue over his fingers. “Ah’m lookin’ forward to gettin’ to know you, Bonnie.”

A part of you wants to get up and slit his throat. The rest of you slumps back into Simon’s chest and bursts into tears.

[anonymityisfunwriter]

Bucky Barnes Masterlist

Alone Together (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: It was always been you and Bucky, alone together, you'd say. But suddenly, you're just alone. And all you have is yourself - a you that you hate. When those people died because of you - you throw yourself back in. When you find out about Sharon and Bucky, you have the game.

It's a good game. You're always winning. You're perfect at it. It's all a game to you. You'll be happy once you win. That is, until you lose.

Enough For You - Mini Series (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: "You're not coming back. You're going back to her." You always knew that you weren't enough for him. You warned him that you wouldn't be there if he left.

The Fates' Design (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: Flower, gleam and glow, let your power shine, make the clock reverse, heal what has been hurt, change the fates' design, save what has been lost, bring back what once was mine, what once was mine...

The Grumpy x Sunshine Series (Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff)🫶 · Grumpy!Bucky Barnes x Sunshine!Reader

The Way I Loved You (Hurt/Comfort) 🫶

Gorgeous (Part 1) (Fluff) 🫶 Gorgeous (Part 2)

On the Run (Requested, Angst, Hurt/Comfort) 🫶 Begin Again (Hurt/Comfort, Fluff) 🫶 Begin Again (Part 2 Drabble)

You're Losing Me - Mini Series (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) 🫶 · Summary: Your fairytale ending is crumbling before your eyes. You don't know how to love someone who can't tell you're dying. You fear you're fading away, begging him to do something, say something, choose something. You fear he won't be able to resuscitate you this time. This time, he's losing you.

A Different Type Of Grief (Requested, Angst) If You Lie Down With Me (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: You know what kind of man he is. A liar. The sort of man that promises everything under the sun. The sort of man that promises dreamy nights and delivers lonely mornings. You only wish his lies weren't so sweet. How You Get The Girl (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: How Bucky Barnes got the girl, in five easy steps

Love Triangle (Angst) · Summary: No one escapes a love triangle unscathed.

bad idea right? | get him back! | love is embarrassing (Fluff) · Summary: It's a bad idea. He's a bad idea. A walking red flag, if your friends are right about him. It's really too bad red was always your favorite color.

Who Did This To You? (Requested, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: You're Bucky's girl, and no one touches Bucky's girl.

I Can See You (Hurt/Comfort) 🫶 · Summary: You and Bucky don't see eye to eye, everyone knows that. They don't know that you and Bucky once knew each other under very different names. And they most certainly don't know that when he looks at you, he can still every stolen moment, his jacket on the floor, notes saying meet him at midnight, you up against the wall with him. No, they don't see that at all.

tolerate it. (Requested, Angst) 🫶 · Summary: you tolerate his faithless love as much as he tolerates you.

Timeless - Mini Series (Requested Hurt/Comfort, Fluff) ☀️ 🫶 · Summary: It's the kind of love you find once in a lifetime, the kind of love you don't put down, and somehow, you know you would've found each other in every life.

our day will come. (Angst) · Summary: you tell him over and over again, your day will come. you swear it will. the sun will shine on you if he gives it time. your day will come. one way or another.

it will come back (Angst, Dark) · Summary: how were you to know that he would always come back?

The Uptown Girl and The Brooklyn Boy (Fluff) · Summary: Everyone knows that all any Uptown Girl needs is a Greaser from Brooklyn to make her forget all about her uptown world.

Once Upon A December (Angst) · Summary: Of all the things your heart used to know, things it years to remember, Bucky Barnes is at the top of that list.

Too Sweet (Semi!Dark) · Summary - He knows you're too sweet, but it won't stop him from trying to enter heaven's gate.

Key: Part of The Grumpy x Sunshine Series - ☀️ Part of The Inspired By Taylor Swift Series - 🫶 AnonymityIsFun Masterlist

[toxictigertonic]

HEYYY ! Love your outlast trials headcanons omgg :D I don’t know if you have yet, but please can you do a day at the Beach onee with the prime assets ?

Yessss keep asking me about the sillies please. I'm going to put them in any situation imaginable. Mentally pushing them down the stairs for yours and my entertainment.

COYLE

- Refuses to wear sunscreen, gets burnt to shit. The hat is the only thing that protects his bald head from burning. Has sunglasses tan lines.

- Won't admit to it, but he likes to pretend to be a shark when he's in the water. That's if you can get the battery off of him.

- Wears American flag swim trunks.

- Is the one that brings a fuck ton of sand back with him. It's in his shoes, in his swim trunks, even his hat. Don't ask.

- Steals Franco's beach toys and hides them in his trunks. Will not give them back.

- Strong swimmer, would attempt to surf, would absolutely eat shit. Franco would be cheering in the background.

- Did not pack a lunch, bitches and moans about being hungry the whole time until given food.

- Classic beach bully. Kicking sand in people's faces, splashing people who are sun bathing, just a menace.

- Gets pinched by a crab as soon as he steps onto the beach. He deserves it tbh.

MOTHER GOOSEBERRY

- Overpacks for the trip. Somehow forgets sunscreen. Has to go back for it because she burns easy.

- Futterman has the little stripe of sunscreen on his beak. Gotta stay protected from the sun, even if you're a goose puppet.

- Sandcastle master. Yet another art she's perfected. Decorates them with seashells she finds.

- Also the one that goes out of her way to collect pretty seashells. She's got a jar of them :)

- She loves to swim and be in the water. Futterman hisses like a cat as soon as she's within 5 feet of the water.

- Futterman has a floatie around his neck. This does not make him feel any better.

- She wears the biggest, floppiest sun hat and the cutest striped one piece. Futterman's hat has stripes on it to look like a bathing suit.

- Brings lunch for everybody, she made sandwiches! If you complain about her choice of sandwich ingredients she's dunking your head underwater.

- Futterman has to have copious amounts of sand shaken out of him before they go home. He's pissed.

FRANCO

- I feel like he'd like the beach a lot but not be able to swim for shit. Floaties, life jacket, he needs it all for his own safety.

- Purple swim trunks and a cute beach themed button up that Gooseberry got him. Also has a cute beach towel.

- Gooseberry tries to warn him to be careful about not losing his pacifier in the sand. He does not listen. Problems ensue. He blames Coyle and says he stole it.

- After he finds his pacifier (it got lost in the sand), he's still pissed bc it's covered in sand. How's a man supposed to enjoy the beach with a sand covered pacifier? The answer is he's not, he wants to go home now.

- Did not bring Lupara, he could've but he didn't want to get sand in her.

- Coyle keeps kicking over his sand castles, especially when he's almost done with them. He filled one with rocks in retaliation :)

- Him and Gooseberry build sandcastles together! She helps him decorate and make them pretty.

- Went to go in the water but his foot touched something squishy and it freaked him out.

- Absolutely believes that if you eat and then go swimming you'll drown. Tries to convince Coyle to eat then swim, and is pissed when he doesn't die.

Bonus! They all team up to bury Pusher in the sand up to the neck. He screams "not cool man, not cool!" the whole time. Nobody listens. They may have forgotten him there.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA For Not Budging On A Potentially Unconventional Need?

I (M20+) have BPD and Autism, and when I was younger, they'd both team up to cause me a lot of struggle.

One of the biggest things I used to do was self isolate when I was upset or worried, and just sit around after throwing out some red flags, hoping someone would read my mind and ask me if I was alright.

OBVIOUSLY THAT WASN'T VERY HEALTHY, neither for myself or for others. I definitely think that was an "ESH" time period.

So now that I'm older, in therapy, taking meds, and generally doing better and am a lot happier, I put clear communication as my #1 priority in all of my relationships.

I don't phrase anything in a way that sounds confrontational, I don't tell people what they can or can't do, who they can or can't talk with, don't get jealous too easily, etc. I only ask for honesty, compromise, and mutual respect for boundaries.

I really thought I was doing well for myself by swapping "I won't communicate at all" out for "I need to communicate often"

But one thing that I just can't seem to stop is the paranoia when it comes to people I'm particularly close and very vulnerable with; I'll notice certain changes in their demeanor and worry it's because I've done something wrong, or that they don't like me as much anymore. Sometimes I CAN brush it off and wait it out until I'm inadvertently proven otherwise.

But if it's not going away, and I'm worried it's just getting worse, I need to just ask for their honest thoughts and get it over with. If for some reason they were actually upset, my intention would NOT be to double down or lash out. I just DON'T want to be strung along by a lie, as has happened!

This isn't really that common of an occurrence either. Maybe every few weeks during particularly hard periods.

I don't feel this way about people I'm not very close to, and people who do manage to get very close to me know this about me; I keep no secrets about my mental health and try to be extremely upfront. A lot of people will say at first that they understand, but over time, I'll eventually get that flack and heartache from them, saying that it's just too exhausting for them. At best, I'm kinda teased for it. It's made me feel like I haven't made as much progress in my recovery as I thought I had, which sucks.

It's not me starting arguments or fights, or accusing them of anything. Just me saying "Hey, I've been feeling a little paranoia lately, is everything okay between us? Is there anything we should talk about?" or something like that.

I'm really conflicted about it.

On one hand, I feel like if things are okay, it shouldn't be difficult or tiring to say "Nope, everything's alright, dw!" If you still like me in a certain way, why would it be tiring to just say so? It takes maybe five seconds to type/say. The only way I can see it being tiring is if they were just telling me white lies about how they felt, and had to maintain the act.

On the other hand, I know BPD isn't without its delusions, and that Autism isn't without its "misunderstanding of social norms". I know I'm likely to see things differently from others. I know it's not exactly EASY to love someone like me. Maybe it IS too much of a demand, and I've just convinced myself it's not?

This IS something I'm trying to work through in therapy regardless, but I just worry that it isn't a symptom that will ever fully go away, and instead it needs to be worked with.

Am I the asshole for standing by that, at LEAST for now? Is it fair? Or is that too much of a need for people to reasonably accommodate? Am I just not trying hard enough to be better?

If I ever got particularly close to someone again, would I be an asshole for again insisting that if I need reassurance to dismiss an oncoming spiral, they should be able to meet that need instead of asking that I keep the paranoia to myself and just deal with it on my own? Which may or may not work, or even make things worse.

I know it can make people feel like I don't trust them. That much I do understand! But I've tried telling them that it's not that I don't trust or respect them, I don't trust or respect myself. I dunno if that makes sense to anyone without BPD, though.

This is both a "Was I the asshole?" and a "Would I be the asshole?" ask I guess, lol

[bomber-grl]

Flufftober 2024

Day 4: Ghost stories

Pairing(s): Leo Valdez x Gn!Reader

Mentions of alcohol

Whispers have been going around camp the last few days now that you and Leo have been back from Indiana just for the weekend.

You’ve only been able to hear a few words here and there before the people you were eavesdropping on noticed and quickly ran away.

Finally, you had enough and approached another camper, asking what was going on. An easy victim was quickly found in the Pegasus stables as it left no where to run.

At last you had the piece of information you had so desperately needed, plus you also understood why there was so much secrecy.

Initially everyone had been whispering on about ghosts and stuff, not that they were present as they were quickly found out to be just rumors.

Only that a new things had emerged from it, a “party” in the woods after curfew tomorrow, aka Saturday. Why it had to be kept secret was so obvious, the harpy’s and Chiron alike would have your heads (only the harpys, Chiron would just make your ears bleed) if they found out.

With this new information you quickly abandoned your place in the strawberry fields (despite them being horribly out of season) and made your way to the forgery to alert Leo that you were both going, just to listen to drama of course.

-

It was now after dark and you quietly and cautiously snuck out of your cabin (god forbid any of your siblings might’ve heard (if you had any))

You began going through the woods based on pure instinct because you were way too close to the others and a flashlight would’ve drawn way too much attention for comfort.

You could’ve sworn you heard a few twigs hear and there snapping not to far behind you. Still, you paid them no mind, if anything happened you could just apprehend whoever was there.

Finally you turned to your left, at this point just hoping that you’re close to the supposed “bonfire” that was going to happen. Let’s just say wandering in the dark alone was less than ideal.

“Boo!” from your left a figure suddenly shot out of a bush. It was embarrassing but you admittedly did get jumpscared.

“Ughh Leo!” You pushed his shoulder and ushered him out of the bush. His hair was all messy, presumably from hiding in the bush and you quickly took it upon yourself to get the twigs out.

He let out this weird little giggle and smirked, “you love me, just say it”

“Shut up and let’s go you dummy” you walked hand in hand with Leo further down the path and finally made it.

It was hard to see it at first with all the mist, charms, and illusions placed over it like a veil by the Hecate and Morpheus kids. They were really taking the extra precautions of not getting caught, especially since there was booze. (The Dionysus kid in the corner gave it away)

You two took a seat on a log (rather you sat and Leo rested his head on your lap), others were situated around and besides you just drinking away when Chiara, a child of Tyche began a tale.

When she cleared her throat and announced her topic of conversation, everyone went quiet.

Her eyebrows quirked up and began to move in an animated way. “Yknow supposedly the whole “ghost” and supernatural thing was dubbed just a rumor, but what happened to me just other day would prove that wrong.”

There was a sudden harsh wind and a shiver ran down your back, you should’ve brought a sweater. You also could’ve sworn you heard something to your distant left.

But, she continued, “there I was, it was after capture the flag and I had left some weaponry that I had only remembered to get once it got dark..”

She trailed off, the thought of monsters and such being around you in the dark was terrifying ironically enough.

Finally you snapped back for a moment, luckily she was still going on.

“And you know what I found?” She tried her best to make it spooky, and as much as you wish it didn’t, it was working.

“Let me guess, your mom?” Damian White and child of Nemesis who was sitting right besides her finally spoke his first retort of the night. Gosh it’s a wonder how they still haven’t gotten together yet. (Hinting at canon)

“It was obviously a rhetorical question Damian-“ “yea well why would you even be telling this tale if you’re so lucky?-“

Their conversation sort of trailed off but then it went silent when the sound of running was the only thing heard. And it was going straight at you guys.

Leo finally got up from his position on your lap and turned to you, sort of bunching up to be as close as possible to you. “Do you think it’s the ghost?” Despite him whispering that question, everyone else heard and began panicking.

The fact that you were all well equipped demigods seemed to have eluded you at the moment, you all shivered and stared into the abyss of darkness, awaiting your fate.

Slowly, a hoof then another and another and another emerged from said darkness, the bonfires light illuminating the being in front of you.

Chiron had been the one making the noise, and was also the one person who you had all been hiding from.

The funny thing was that he was in his pjs, he had obviously already been ready for bed and your little shenanigans (?) had ruined it.

“I-I thought there were charms up!” Somehow the Dionysus kid from earlier was suddenly sober and thinking the same thing you were.

Instead of the Hecate kid answering Chiron answered for her, “Mist is a great tool, not so great to use against a being that’s had enough time to see through it.”

With that your “party” was disbanded and you all went back to your cabins with hefty punishment in your futures.

There was really no way to run, especially with Chiron behind you all as you walked back to camp.

Still, it was funny seeing Leo shiver like a leaf the whole way back.

You brought your covers up and let out a breath, the day was over and you were best. This time around you were staying in bed and not sneaking off.

Except, maybe.. somehow you managed to sneak Leo in and had him there next to you all cuddled up. He was scared, you had to! (He wasn’t anymore)

You have better enjoyed that because the next morning was filled with punishment after punishment. Plus it was humiliating to be dogged on by the other campers, had to stop yourself from strangling someone the whole day.

[sagekjs21]

Random Bit of Advice #19

Be careful. Be on the lookout for people who cannot handle even minor criticism, advice, being held accountable. While facing your own faults and mistakes is never easy and it certainly does not feel good, the people that you want in your life will ultimately be people who are interested in changing and growing. Despite someone's religious beliefs, one of the most valuable things that someone can do with their life is grow, try to become the best version of themselves that they possibly can. But some people simply don't seem interested. Some people can't handle the fact that they are not perfect, that they are indeed flawed. Or rather maybe they can face a few flaws in themselves if they see them, but not if they are brought to their attention by someone else. Everyone falls into this trap occasionally; we are all human and we don't like to admit that we're flawed on the hole. But when this becomes chronic, when this type of thing is habitual or some sort of pattern, that is a serious relationship red flag. Be with people who want to grow, who want to do better, who strive for such things on a constant basis. They are the ones who can show you true forms of love, empathy, compassion, and who can also help encourage you and build you up in turn.

And if you are in a relationship of any type with somebody who never holds you accountable, that's a red flag as well. This person is most likely enabling you. While you want your friends to treat you with kindness and love and respect, it is also just as important to have friends who feel comfortable enough to say something along the lines of, "Hey, that thing you did the other day, that was not OK with me and we need to talk about that. " These are the kinds of friends who you can truly count on, because you know they're not going to lie to you just to make you feel OK. If I had to choose in a friend ultimately between kindness and accountability, in the end I would choose being held accountable. It will serve me far better, because it will make me a better Christian and therefore I will be able to serve my Lord to the upmost of my abilities. Being enabled in the end will never allow me to achieve such a thing. It will hold me back.

And finally, there is a difference between someone who holds you accountable and someone who simply blames you for everything. We are all flawed; we are all sinners. But we are not all evil monsters either. The accountability needs to exist, yes, but it absolutely must be tempered with a genuine care, respect, and love for you. If it's not, if this person just truly wants to blame you and make you feel guilty for everything you're doing and just put you down, they probably don't belong in your life. 

@titaniumpeony Thank you for holding me accountable. ❤️ 

@dragoneyes618 We've gotten into some interesting political/moral discussions before. I'm interested to know your thoughts on this if you're willing to share them. And if you would rather do it via private message that's totally fine. 😊 

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

It’s been quite the week. Just In here to process real quick.

M got fired yesterday for the most bullshit reason. I can’t go into detail here because of possible legal stuff but my heart is broken for him. He was so happy when he was hired by this company and I was so fucking proud of him. He had moved up in rank/title In his field and his boss trusted him. He did really well building rapport with his employees and completing his tasks. For the first month it was great! Then in October things were a little rough, but he was still loving the job so it wasn’t even a big deal. By November, red flags were popping up all over the place and we didn’t understand why (still don’t!)

He gave so much to this job, sacrificed so much, worked so much OT and crazy hours with no sleep between shifts and answered calls all hours of the day, but he loved what he was doing.

It’s when he started setting boundaries in November that things changed. When they started taking advantage and putting off any pay raise discussions despite expanding his territory and taking over another role. He was doing the work of two people and patiently waiting for the Big Boss to come into town to discuss the raise.

Instead, he got written up at that mid-November meeting for a bullshit reason, given zero guidance on how to improve moving forward, and not given a chance to discuss pay. It rapidly went down hill after this.

Some other incidents happened beyond his control and he asked point blank what was going on. The shift in the relationship with his boss and HR was palpable and no one was telling him anything. Three days later, he was being threatened police intervention for something they never communicated and fired.

Somehow, they liked him enough to hire him, trusted him enough to expand his territory, and turned around and treated him like a fucking criminal.

When I tell you that yesterday was stressful, I have never been so worried. Was it an empty threat? Maybe? Probably? But not out of the realm of possibility for what ended up being a shady AF company. But something like this could have completely wrecked his ability to continue working in this field.

I’m just so shocked and disappointed with how all this went down. Days before his birthday, weeks before Christmas.

We are grateful to be living with friends at the moment, but my job isn’t enough to pay the bills. His job was and then a little extra. It gave me the opportunity to do What I’m doing now and I may have to close that door depending on what happens next.

I am booked into January and am hoping I won’t need to cancel my pet sits and walks.

I need to sit down tmrw and figure out where we stand financially. Because the social work field isn’t paying the bills either. It’s contract work and in some cases, it would have costed me MORE to work than to not work.

In this moment, im Feeling so defeated. We were both thriving and M got the rug ripped out from under his feet and I accidentally fell back into a passion I forgot I had with the hopes of becoming my own business instead of an app contract worker. I’m a superstitious person, so I’ll just say i had no doubts of being able to move into the next phase in 2024. But the reality is that right now, it doesn’t bring in enough income.

I’m at the point where I am specializing in high energy and anxious breeds where I wouldn’t be able to be gone a full work day and also be the pet sitter. And I’m not a stubborn mule who’s going to fall behind on bills to hang onto a dream.

It worked when M was being paid. This was supposed to be a long term job that he loved.

We saw it coming and were starting to prepare, but we didn’t think it would happen this fast. Not in a 3 day time span.

My body is tired. My brain is tired. I’m hustling hard and don’t have the time to pause and truly figure it out. I have 3 days off this month. Thankfully next week I just have a constant care day sit with a fairly easy anxious German Shepard and I think I should get some time to make a game plan.

I’m coming from a vey draining sit with a high energy husky (literally ended the sit and walked into the chaos of M being fired.) Today was back to back meet and greets between the legal stuff we’re figuring out. Tomorrow-Sunday I’m with four dogs, one of which is a puppy and then Monday I’m doing dog walks.

I love the pet hustle, don’t get me wrong and I’m so thankful I don��t have a gap in my own income, But I wish I had some time between these sits to just stop moving for a brief moment without giving up time I need to be sleeping.

However, we can’t see the future and never expected this to happen the way it did in the timing it did. Everything felt so solid and reliable.

Trying to rest in the reassurance that none of this is surprising to God and that there have been other things going on in the background that feel intentionally placed when we zoom out.

Anyway, I should get some sleep because I have an early morning with four adorable pups who love to cuddle and I will be soaking up all that love (between puppy training and potty breaks 😅) while I try to figure out where we go from here.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, your therapist red flag post made me send this ask.

I feel like I fundamentally fail at introducing myself to a therapist. When I was 17 I visited two therapists during the same month for one meeting and one kicked me out because she accused me of being healthy but lying and the other one called the psychiatry (though I said no) to pick me up.

I am now 21 and guess what. I am looking for a therapist again. And the first meeting in September told me "You are healthy, just a lack of vitamins" and the therapist two hours ago told me "You need to go to psychiatry immediately! You will not be able to do a therapy, you will never be able to do a therapy without visiting the psychiatry first."

I told her "No" I don't want to because as a young teen I was in psychiatry and I still have flashbacks from that. And I don't think I "won't be able to do therapy", I don't feel particularly bad and not even remotely as bad as back as a teen, when I really went to psychiatry.

But, I told both the same story (and during them I visited two other therapists who told me, they aren't the right person for me), how can they see so different things in it? Why do I apparently suck so much at telling a consistent story?

I know I seem more down when I visit a therapist for the first time, I hate meeting new people, and I live so remotely that it most times took me hours to get there. But I have like most average issues, depression, socialphobia and a bit of trauma. It's not rocket science.

Therefore it most be the way that I introduce myself, that sucks. How can I do better? I mean I tell everything revelant, it's not that. But maybe the way I explain it... I don't know. But I am desperate because in 9 months nobody wanted to treat me and there aren't indefinitely therapists in my area.

And do you maybe have resources how to treat myself because I am losing all hope ever finding a therapist...

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about your negative experiences with therapists. I think when you have experiences like this it can be easy to feel like there's something wrong with you, but please know that every therapist you mentioned was the one out of line.

You can be "healthy" and in therapy. I believe that everyone has something to work on in therapy. Even just having a professional to vent to can be helpful. I would imagine it's quite hard to tell if a client is healthy but lying just in a single session, and even so, confronting that client about it would depend on building rapport first. And even if someone truly lying about issues they don't have, it still indicates some underlying issue that could be explored in therapy. So perhaps this therapist was making some kind of excuse.

It's also worth emphasizing that therapists are not allowed to give direct suggestions or commands. One of the main goals of therapy is to develop self-reliance, so enabling a dependent relationship on the therapist (where the therapist tells them what to do, instead of getting them to think about what they should do) is counterintuitive. Therapists can also be held liable for making direct suggestions or giving advice as that may backfire. Part of your therapist's main focus should be on your autonomy as well. I'm curious what context led her to insist you should be admitted.

It sounds like you've experienced two extremes, one where a therapist insists you don't need therapy and another that insists you be admitted to a psych ward. I'm not your therapist so I don't feel right saying neither of them are right since I'm missing much context. But both of them seemingly had some kind of issue with their own relationship with their role as a therapist.

It's quite natural to have different conversations with different therapists, and that can depend on their own modalities, styles, experience, and approach. There's a well-known experiment done in the 60s where a client named Gloria agreed to have 3 different recorded 20min sessions with 3 different therapists, each one with unique modalities that they founded. Mostly due to the therapist's approach, Gloria talked about different things with each therapist.

All this to say, I know I'm missing some necessary context, but based on what you've shared, it sounds like these interactions had more to do with the therapists than you. I know that experiences like these can discourage you from continuing the search for the right therapist, but as someone who had to bounce around before finding the perfect fit, I can say it's incredibly rewarding to keep trying. But that being said, there's no rush. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right match.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[caniaskyouabouttoday]

I Am Heavy, But He’s My Brother

“Is that how would describe your job, Cliff, carrying his load?”

“Yeah, that’s about right.”

Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood is a special movie to me for a lot of reasons but what I love so deeply and sincerely about this movie is the way it portrays friendship between men with such an authentic, heartfelt earnestness.

I have been blessed and cursed with a lot of things in my life but one of the biggest blessings of my life has been deep and meaningful friendships with the men who I choose as my brothers. I say choose as brothers because my brother by blood destroyed my family and broke my heart. That was almost four years ago and things have never been the same. It wasn’t too long after this film came out but the tracks were certainly being laid down.

This vague double entendre joke is made by an interviewer at the expense of one Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt) because he finds nothing about his friendship, loyalty, or even second banana status behind waning television star Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio) uncomfortable or humiliating. He’s proud to be his friend and has a stoic’s embrace of his role.

Dalton for his part is an insecure alcoholic wreck who desperately relies on Cliff, not just for rides but affirmation, confidence, and love. Even when his flagging career takes him to Italy to make “Eye-Italian” westerns and he finds a wife; he relies on Cliff’s love to a very real and serious extent.

It’s a testament to Tarantino’s skill as a director that he was able to get these two megastars to completely bury their egos and be so giving and vulnerable to each other to tell the story of their lives. They feel like very real people, with very real problems that I would like to have a margarita with…even though there is a chance Cliff mayyyy have killed his nagging wife. I love who these two are for each other. As men we have a responsibility to our friends to care this much.

I have a friendship; and I hope that is never past tense that was this kind of brotherhood. There are elements of both Rick and Cliff to us respectively even if we may not look like these two. 17 years ago I met a man I could not love any more and I still do; and I think if I weren’t comfortably heterosexual I could never say that because I simply do not feel love like that in my romantic relationships.

We were a country mouse and city mouse, we had different socioeconomic and family situations, we were opposites on paper and completely the same in our hearts. Bonded over our obsessive lifelong love of professional wrestling, our off kilter senses of humor, and the decency, kindness, and respect we showed each other. It’s the only friendship of my life where I had never had a fight or disagreement. I’m not easy to get along with, and I’m completely estranged from my biological brother. I’ve had some friendships that long wither and crumble under the pressure of the years. But not this one, he’s a married family man but I know outside of his family and his mother and sister nobody could love him more than I do.

I’ve been through a real rough patch of the last four years. A lot of my woes self inflicted, some external. I’ve been out of work for months for the second time in three years. I’m hurting. Financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

I had an opportunity to go to an event I would have loved to have had him go to with me. It could have been something we never forgot. There was an opportunity that would let me go but not him, and I took it. I thought I could find a way to get a sign with his name on television and let him know he was there with me in my heart.

It hurt him badly; and I apologized. And I meant it. I am not sorry for going. I need to live my life forward. But hurting him hurt me, I am sorry for that. So deeply, so sincerely. If there was any way to physically include him I would have and he has to know that. I said I’m sorry and plead my case.

Since then there has been almost two weeks of radio silence between us. I am not going to add, I am not going to prod. If he wants to forgive me for how he feels I wronged him he will need to find that but damn it hurts. It hurts a lot. I love him and miss him and I can’t do this all by myself. I need my brother to carry the load, and when the shoe is on the other foot I will too. I have before and will again.

This movie presents an alternate history where the good times of a golden era continue to roll instead of ending in tragedy and heartbreak. The 2020s have been a brutal, cruel decade. A completely miserable time of plague and famine in every sense.

I turn 38 in 8 days, and frankly, all I want to do is get silly drunk and laugh my ass off and share a hug with the man I love as much as I ever could love another person. He won’t be able to see this post, but I hope he feels it’s in the universe and knows how I feel.

“When you come to the end of the line with a buddy who is more than a brother and less than a wife, getting blind drunk together is the only way to say farewell.”

Unlike the bittersweet ending of Rick and Cliff’s beautiful friendship, I pray this is not farewell after all these years.

[pbandjesse]

I am very comfortable in my hammock right now. I hope that can continue and I can fall asleep easy tonight. Today is actually a pretty good day. I really felt like it was a solid day at camp where nothing really went wrong and it felt normal again. That was really nice.

I slept okay last night. I'm really glad I went home. I needed it. And when I woke up this morning my face felt very puffy. Which happens in the AC sometimes. But James was leaving early for some reason and I wanted to get up and give them a big hug before they left. They would leave while I was getting ready after saying goodbye and I took a few minutes to get myself together. And I said goodbye to sweet pea who seemed very distraught that I was leaving. And then I went to the car. I took a few minutes to sort myself out and while I was doing that I found that James had put a little gift in my backpack! They got me a new ring. It's a pinky ring and it's a spinning smileyface and once I have to smile on one side it's a frown. And it's so cute. I am a little worried because it fits me when my hands are swollen but it's a little loose one they're not so we'll see how that works out but it's very fun. Definitely not an everyday ring but I do like it a lot.

And the drive to Camp was fine. No traffic or anything. I got here right at 8:00. And everyone was down at flag or what is kind of flag now. Everything's weird about that but it's fine. I would get to work putting things away and setting things up but then we got a message in the group chat that I felt like was me getting in trouble when really apparently everybody thought it was them and I was just being paranoid but it kind of put me in a weird mood so I went for a walk and ended up running into Celia.

She went to a Fall out boy concert last night And I wanted to hear all about it but she said that while it was super super fun and she had a blast when she has a good time at concerts it's like she remembers getting to the venue and then blacking out and waking up hours later sweaty and hot in her car holding a new hat. And I thought that was hilarious. But we walked around and talked and I went to the nature lodge with her but soon I would have to go back to the art building to do my job. So I went back up here and got things ready.

I walked past the homestead animals and that's what I noticed that one of the chickens was outside of the enclosure! And so I started following her because I was like oh I should pick her up and put her back in but she wouldn't sit still long enough and so I tried calling Ty but then his phone was broken and so I didn't know what to do so I called CJ. And as CJ was running over to help me Annabelle came up and the three of us were able to corner her so I pick her up. And we got her back into her enclosure and kind of figured out what hole we think she made her way out of but she did not want to be out there. I'm glad she was okay. Tyler would come down not long after that. I walked up with Annabelle and shared with her a few more projects that I thought that she might enjoy teaching them and then I actually went to the art building. Closer to 9:45 than I would have liked but it's fine.

I had Tatiana count how many spoons we had left. And we really only had enough for today. I did not buy enough spoons. I really needed like 40 more. Which is a lot of spoons. I will try my best not to make this mistake again if we do this project next year. Which we might because it was very popular. But Tatiana says it's my fault because I kept letting people do two things but we didn't have enough spoons to start with. I really should have stopped letting people use two things in general when Joe gave us more wood. But I struggle with saying no because I want everyone to make art and have a good time. So I ended up taking 20 of the spoons and hiding them so that tomorrow we can have something. Even if it's not enough. I'm going to do my best to make what we have tomorrow work.

And the groups were great today. Woodlands was late. Not surprising. But when they came they did such a good job but they made me laugh so hard that I was literally crying. So what happened was there are two counselors. Jorge who I love and is wonderful. And a new counselor named Billy. He's also an international and he's very sweet. And the boys obviously adore both of them but the way that they show how much they adore them is that all they want to do is make art about them. And so half of the boys decided they were going to make Billy and the other half were going to make Jorge and then they would compare of who had the best ones. And I thought that was hilarious and I encouraged it so much. And at first it was great. I was outside helping Jorge paint his little walrus sculpture he had made and then The boys were showing me the very simple faces that they gave the spoons but they had Jorge's facial hair and eyebrows on it and I kept going oh my God the resemblance is uncanny. And just being very dead serious about it. And everything was going great. Until someone decided they needed to add arms to their Billy puppet.

And the arms were fine. They gave them muscles and it was very silly. And then they decided to give them legs. Turns out you cannot give spoon puppets legs because it just makes them look like they have penises and so I said that looked obscene you have to take those legs off and they're like no we like the legs and I said please remove the legs it looks so bad. And then they were like no and I said okay well can we put shorts on it. So they make a little pair of shorts but then it just looks like he has shorts on with his penis sticking out so I said okay we need to remove the spoon handle and so he broke it but then it just looked like a proportional penis and I was like no it's worse now so I tried to take the shorts off that they made but then that just left felt fuzz behind which made it look more realistic and I'm literally crying with tears laughing. It was so silly and I finally was able to make shorts in the front and back to cover up the Billy puppets penis. Because it was so horrific looking and I knew that I could not let that leave this building without at least telling their senior staff because I can't make people think that we did this on purpose It just happened to look that way. And first I forgot who was in charge of woodlands and I called Kieran and then he was like wait no I'm in not in charge and I was like okay and then called Tony and Tony ended up coming up and it was so funny and ridiculous. But I just can't believe how hard I was laughing cuz it was so silly.

Once they left though the pioneer boys came and they did a great job and it was totally fine. And then it was lunch time. And lunch there was so much better today because not only do they have pasta they had a meat sauce and a vegetable sauce and I was so happy and it was spicy and it was really nice. I had two pieces of garlic bread and I sat outside and it was really good.

And after talking with friends for a while I headed back to sit in my hammock for a little while and just cool off and be sleepy. Because I was very sleepy. I was really in a good mood though and so far the day I've been really great. And honestly it continued to be that way. The kids in the afternoon were lovely and so many of them really enjoyed the project and that was really encouraging. The counselors were mostly really great. And I got some knitting done and I had some laughs with the kids It was a really good day.

When the stockade boys came they weren't as interested in the middle casting as they were in the pendants which is fine. Not everybody's going to be into everything and I'm really glad that they like the metal snapping. I will for sure have to get more metal discs so I'll try to send that to Elizabeth soon so that I can have that next week as well. I also would like to come up with one or two more simple metal projects but I'm not entirely sure what I want to do yet because one of my ideas was something like riveting but not positive that we would be able to safely do that. So we'll see what I can think of. But the stockade boys were fun and we had a good time and then we had our last group of the day.

And honestly it won't really fast the whole day did. It was a good day and I felt really happy. Tatiana was a lot of fun and she made a really fun SpongeBob square thing. She's very good at stuff and I don't know she realizes how quick she is to pick up on things because she's a smart cookie. And I'm going to miss her. Because tomorrow is going probably be my last day with her unless there's a spot that opens up on the YLP roster next week. Sometimes they don't make it through the first week so we'll see.

I left her because I found a missing water bottle and I ran after the last group to give it to them. And the little girl said that she was so glad I did because it was her favorite and she would have been so sad. And so I continued on and I went to change into my bathing suit. I really wasn't planning on swimming. It wasn't really hot up here today at all but on the walk to the pool house where I had just planned on taking a shower there's one section of road that just gets so hot that I was like you know what I am going to get in the pool. But then I only did a couple laps after sitting in the code for 10 minutes. I'm trying to practice some of the arms swimming that they're going to want for The Camp award. Because I still think it would be funny to do that if I get pregnant next year. But I'm not a very strong swimmer. Like I swim fine but not on the surface. I swim really well under the water. So we'll have to see what I can do with that. So my little daily or some ideally swims will hopefully build up some strength.

I talked to the little girls getting ready for pool canoes. They were being naughty and not listening about getting into the water without a lifeguard. Just because I'm doing it doesn't mean you can. And then as they got the boats in the water I got out.

Tyler was there talking to some of the other counselors and he told me that because his phone is broken he's not positive how he's going to use GPS to get home tomorrow which I am now worried about too!! I don't have any way to help the situation but I really hope that he can figure it out because that would make me very scared too That's a very long drive! It's like 2 hours for him.

I would take a shower though and I was fine but the water was way too hot. And I couldn't get it to change from one temperature. So I just took the best shower I could and got dressed. I used the new leaving conditioner I got which smelled very nice and then I texted CJ that I was coming back to arts and crafts because she had wanted to talk to me.

And she would come soon and we would sit and talk and Tony would join us for a few minutes but then he left and me and CJ made her a stamped medal piece. And that was fun and then we headed to dinner where I helped put cups on every single table. 8 cups on 30 tables. I had to count out all of the eight and make stacks and that made it a lot easier for me but man it took a while.

And dinner was fine. It was like barbecue chicken and the vegetarian option was like quinoa which I don't love but it was fine. I really like the cornbread. I wasn't actually that hungry so I didn't care that much and I still had the goza and falafel ball that I brought from home as a just in case food. Which I actually still have which I can eat I guess tomorrow even though it's been sitting on my desk all day. Not the best food safe practices.

After dinner I went to the office so I could sit and wait for the snowball truck to come. I read my book for a little while which is very good. It's about a little girl on the Titanic which is wild. So far so good hopefully she doesn't die at the end. And then I headed outside to sit on the porch once I got bored with the air conditioner and Alexi and Elizabeth were eating dinner out there and I was talking to them about the Native American program a couple other things and then we heard the truck drive up and I was like yes! And Elizabeth was like wait a second have you been sitting here the whole time waiting for that that it's hilarious. And I said yes I have I want to be the first one there and I didn't want to bum rush the guy so I just sat weed for a second but then CJ beat me to it! So I ran down to be second and then CJ got hers and I tried a new flavor. It's not new to the truck but it's new to me it's called tigers blood. And it's strawberry and coconut. I wish it was a little tangier but it was nice. I still like pina colada better. Still good and maybe next week I'll try a new flavor. Switch it up a little. Apparently he also has fancy flavors in the back like Mai Tai and lavender iced tea.

I went back up to arts and crafts where I had potato chips that were spicy and we're very nice with my snowball. And I sat and read my book. Eventually a counselor came up to ask if I could fix his pants that he ripped and I said of course. And I would eventually get into my hammock and just chill for a while. When I did finally get up I found that CJ was sitting quietly in the art building by herself. She looks a little pale and she said that she had taken probably too much ADHD medication and I was like well that's not good. And we walked to the nurse's office to use the bathroom together. Where we passed the nurse and she asked if we were okay and I said CJ says she's dying. And she's like no I didn't! I said okay. And after we use the bathroom we came back up to the art building where we talked for a while but CJ didn't seem like she was feeling great and so while I was sitting there fixing the pants she said she wanted to actually see the nurse and I was like okay let's walk together so I walked with her down to the nurse's office where she decided she was going to lay on the gravel while we waited. And she keeps saying she's okay but she was a little pale and she worried me and I think that made my stomach hurt. So once the nurse got her and everything seemed okay I came back up to arts and crafts.

I finished fixing the pants and then I realized her backpack was up here so I texted her I was bringing it down and I walked back across the field. Where I found a frog! And I held towed for a while and he was not thrilled but I was excited to hold a toad. And I passed off her backpack and then I came back up here where I decided to brush my teeth and start getting ready to lay down.

And I've been laying here for a while now. I did sweep the building a little bit and I picked my outfit for tomorrow. Put a couple things in my bag that I'm taking home with me. And now I am just cozy and rocking myself and my hammock gently. It's not squeaking which is nice. Hate when it squeaks. But now it is time for rest. I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day. I'm going to stay to help with pick up again down by the bears but I don't think I'll stay for the ceremony. Because this is actually going to happen this time! We didn't get a first ceremony because of the rain. But it's supposed to actually go on and I have to make sure everyone parks at the right place. Fingers crossed!

I hope you guys all have a great night tonight. I hope that you are very cozy wherever you are and you're taking care of yourself. Until next time. I love you all.

[lightleelandslost]

Just anxious and wanting to put this out there

Hey, I don't post here ever. Though I probably should, I feel like it would help me be my authentic self. Anyways I am kind of in crisis mode. This is long but, I need to put it somewhere.

So recently I've triumphed in my Insta account, successfully removing homophobic family and friends so that I could have a social space that felt like mine. I've finally been posting what I want to post, without really worrying about who would see it and how they would react. I've also joined LGBTQ+ friendship groups and have slowly building up the confidence to comment and post occasionally.

I was comfortable, I felt safe and so when a random friendship request came in that didn't immediately raise red flags, I accepted. We talked for a couple days and though a couple things stand out now, they didn't in the moment. We had some things in common and she was easy to talk to. When she sent private photos, I reciprocated even though I wasn't quite ready at that point. But I was lonely and uncomfortable with my body, but the fact that someone wanted to see me made me happy.

Now she threatens to expose them unless I send money.

I, of course, immediately blocked and reported that account and then spiraled into a storm of anxiety that makes me want to delete social media altogether. I think (hope) that they are empty threats. She says she'll send them to my boss and my family and days later nothing has happened. Today she stared a random group chat (under a different account) with strangers (???) and claimed she was going to send them with threats to add more people after she'd already sent them. I've blocked and reported this account as well (which again is passable as a real account at first glance). I took screenshots of those threats, just in case I need them in the future. Insta has not reported any change in their account status, but i'm not expecting much help from them.

I spent 20 minutes searching in a panic trying to find advice for what to do in this situation. Trying to find reddit threads, insta advice, anything advising what to do in this situation until i finally found this very basic advice.

I knew that paying them wouldn't help at all (a. I'm poor, there's nothing in these pockets, b. they'd probably just ask for more down the line) also they never sent demands, just threats and devil emojis. I figure that if this person was going to do anything they would've done something more meaningful by now. So that leaves me to play whack-a-mole and how much anxiety till my heart gives out until they finally give up. If they do send them out I will explain myself, it will be uncomfortable but if they're actually decent people/friends they will be understanding and hopefully supportive.

I do not wish this sort of thing upon my worst enemy. I can't put into words how fast my heart rate and anxiety rise when an insta notification comes through my phone. I hope that this is over soon so that I can build myself up again to where I was before.

I was vulnerable, lonely, looking for a friend, and trying to fit in. I am trying to be kind to myself in this situation but it is hard. I want so badly to shut myself completely out and never try this sort of thing again but I know that this stuff would find its way through anyways and how social media can help connect people with true friends and family. In the future I will be more vigilant and cautious. In the same breath I hope that I am able to be vulnerable again, I have trouble with this, and learn that setting boundaries is okay.

I'm sharing this to A. put everything into words and talk myself through everything that's going on (therapist's on leave, nobody else to talk to) and B. to let others that have gone through the same situation know that they are not alone, this stuff happens sometimes.

All the love

[queen-mihai]

I say this as someone who is good at figuring this shit out: you're absolutely right

People should be able to speak their minds and their intentions without it being weird. Especially when those intentions are good.

The problem is, liars exist.

"I like you. I want to date you."

Well while you're happy that someone is finally being open and honest, what's really happening is that this person may be full of shit. Because they can't say:

"I think you look like an easy mark. I want to manipulate you into something that hurts you and benefits me"

Because then you'd say no.

So. They have to lie. Problem is, eventually you'll figure out the lie too. And then break up or beat them up or whatever.

And then what do the honest people do?

"Hey I like you" turns into an instant red flag because no one is that honest.

"Hey I... might.. like you???" Comes further down the line, but once liars realize that that's the new standard, they will pick that up too and use that to manipulate people. And now that, too, looks like a red flag.

All the way down to where we get to

"H... hey...." ....*agonized expression*.....

At about this line, it starts to be difficult for liars to keep up the grift. They're starting to need to show genuine emotion here and might need to leave their "mark" alone for several weeks and hope to chance across them again only to fail to come up with something to say... and when someone is lying, they know what they want to say. They want to manipulate. They want that person to fall into that trap. But now it's starting to be too much work to be worth it and actually being honest is better

But now.. honest people suffer. Because EVERYTHING READS LIKE A RED FLAG.

You can't just walk up and say hi. That's like a pickup line

Buy a person a drink? What did you put in it?

Take someone to a movie? You mean a dark room where it's rude to make noise and no one is really paying attention? Dangerous

Walking along a river looking up at the moon? Do they have a weapon?

And now every honest person is doing everything they can do appear non-threatening, genuine, and truthful. You have to be vulnerable so that the person next to you doesn't feel manipulated, but also keep your guard up in case they're the manipulators. You have to seem happy and fun so that they like you, but also let yourself screw up and be wrong so they don't feel like they're being "handled". You have to make a move in case they won't, but that move can't be too big or sudden or they may think you have bad intentions.

Thanks to liars and manipulators, we're all forced to play this stupid game of "guess what the other person is feeling" and if you have a hard time figuring out what the other person is feeling, then knowing if someone is flirting, being nice, or manipulating you is borderline impossible.

And THAT'S why I get so full of unholy rage when I see obvious liars and grifters making huge amounts of money. They've stopped trying to manipulate individuals, and have moved on to society as a whole. And now it's becoming harder to even get a job, get a loan, or ask for help without someone thinking you're secretly out to trick them. All this bullshit makes the entire world worse and makes us afraid to even talk to each other.

But it's important to try anyway. You're not wrong for not being able to see those social cues. Maybe you've just been protected your entire life and while you've survived, you've also never seen what honesty looks like, so you don't know it when you see it. Maybe you've been surrounded by liars your entire life and while you were busy having your guard up, someone who was trying to be very obvious and flirt with you, didn't quite make it past your vibe check, and you left before they could figure out how to make it right.

Because of liars, grifters, and manipulators, we all suffer. And I'm saying that as someone who is GOOD at flirting.

“they were flirting with you” and how was i supposed to know such a thing when everyone speaks in codes and puzzles

[dlamp-dictator]

Overall Thoughts of Wo Long so Far

The Morale System: The morale system is either fine or cancer, there is no in-between and it solely depends on if you have the accessory that shows where the flags are on the minimap radar. Overall, I like this system, it's a sort of modular difficulty setting in a way. You can either hunt down all the flags and have a pretty easy boss fight, or you can just go to the major checkpoints and have a boss that could possibly two-shot you. Or you could be me and realize this game has mildly functional stealth, snipe/backstab every enemy you can slowly have over 20 morale and just facetank the boss of the area if you're feeling confident you only need that one shot to beat them. However, like I said, the hunt for those flags is either mildly annoying because you have the right accessory to trivalize the hunt for them and its just a matter of finding which hidey hole a random flag is in, or absolute cancer as you travel down the same section for the fifth time just to gain fortitude 15 and survive three hits from the area boss without dropping to 2 morale.

The Platforming: Oh my word, a Soulsborne game that has decent platforming, my prayers have been answered. Mind you, it's not exactly Super Mario: Souls Edition, but the fact that I can jump to a platform and actually get there without weird physical manipulation really says something. Just the verticality in general is spectacular. Being able to jump up to a height and plan out my next move throughout the map is great.

Map Design: More a neutral take than anything, I think the map designs are fine so. Kind of boring, but at their worst they're just mildly annoying. Most of these maps are pretty small and can be cleared in about 15-25 minutes per main mission, depending on how painful that flag hunt is. The maps also have plenty of little gaps and sneaky corners where YOU can be the asshole that jumpscares the enemy. Words can't even begin describe the orgasmic feeling of seeing an enemy below a vantage point in some hidden corner before they see you and you sneak attack three of them in a row, gaining a whole new morale level. My witch's crackle could heard across the house when I backstabbed at least three enemies atop some elevated platform to be the annoying archers in a clearly marked mini boss arena before plunge-attacking said mini boss with three morale levels higher than said boss due to all the backstabs.

The Vengeance System: I don't think it's as good as the Revenant System in the Nioh series, but it's a pretty nice feature to have. It really sells a mini bosses power when you see a graveyard of tattered banners around one dude and then beat him in one try to avenge those that struggled against it. It honestly feels like I accomplished something great and conquered something others failed to. It also helps to show which little gotcha' moments really got people.

Overall Difficulty: Like I said in my previous posts, I tend to play a parry-focused, glass canon style to begin with, so Wo Long is right up my alley. I've honestly been speedrunning the content and finishing most stages in about 20 minutes to a half hour per stage. The more open nature of the maps and the ability to just spam some pretty strong spells if you're good with your parries and spacing means this game is pretty nice for someone that likes to be a precise, agile, sneaky little gremlin like me.

I've got some more thoughts, but those are the basics for now. Might talk about the game in full later this week.

[rigginsstreet]

You're right. And they must feel tremendous guilt. I guess I'm built differently. It would never have been a question for me in this situation. I would have told Brian to go fuck himself if he asked me to write a character letter to a judge.

I don't want to punish them. Has Drake forgiven them? Idk. I'm just angry. The whole docuseries made me so angry. I knew there was skeevy shit going on there. I mean the bra and panty jokes in their shows when shows targeting the same age group over at Disney didn't have them was a red flag. I think Lizzie McGuire mentioned a bra once and it was handled with grace a scene with a mother and daughter.

But I didn't know how bad things were over at Nickelodeon until this docuseries and I'm just angry. I cried a lot. So I guess I'm directing my anger at the wrong people.

I think we can all agree that Nickelodeon needs to be investigated by the FBI and maybe shut down. Paramount can do their children's programming in-house. They don't need Nickelodeon anymore.

For me when it comes to people writing character letters and defending people they know despite terrible allegations it’s like… the human brain is kinda fucked up. And when someone you know and hang out with is accused of something I think it’s very hard to reconcile the person you know being capable of doing such things and so you try to excuse it or downplay it or refuse it altogether because “what? I know that guy! I hang out with him all the time! He was at my daughter’s baptism!” Or whatever.

Some people are capable of immediately flipping that switch off and being like “fuck that guy” but I don’t begrudge people who can’t because I personally don’t think it’s that easy. Like you see families of murderers and shit still standing by them. I’m going off on a whole tangent

But like it’s based on people not being able to believe someone they know and who is in their personal life could be so heinous.

It also sounds like Brian peck was a good manipulator and I think people underestimate how a good manipulator can fuck up your head. I think everyone likes to believe they can’t fall victim to that but we’re more susceptible than we’d like to admit, in my opinion

From my understanding it’s just the Dan Schneider shows that all the dirty stuff took place, like all the nick kids who were on different shows have said they didn’t have these experiences, so I think as long as he’s gone it’s been fine? But then you have to question the network has a whole and those execs who enabled him or turned a blind eye or just didn’t have enough safe guards in place to protect those kids

Idk if I have any more to say but my dogs whining at me to go on her walk so my brains losing focus I gotta go