#i just need to be able to say something easy when people flag me down and ask for my instagram

[deep-sea-anemone]

How tf do people come up with usernames/stage names

[dragonnarrative-writes]

Slasher Handler Part 11 - Slip Lead

Slasher Handler Masterlist

Read on AO3

NSFW under the cut.

CW: Implied stalking/surveillance, implied kidnapping, physical injury, deception/emotional manipulation, physical violence, injury with knife, genuinely not enough information, hidden weapons

Something about stabbing him, about meeting Price, has resulted in you being able to stray a bit farther from Simon’s orbit. You’re still on a rather short lead, there is a list of unspoken rules between the two of you as long as your arm. But you’re going out alone more. You don’t feel Simon’s eyes on you every moment he’s out of your sight. It’s weird.

But when it comes to Simon, it’s best not to look a gift horse in the mouth. So you start a routine of going to the cafe down the street twice a week or so to work and see other human beings. It’s surprisingly difficult, some days. More than once, you’ve felt too exposed and retreated back home. These days, you have more good days than bad. As long as people don’t talk to you too much, you’re fine.

So it’s a bit jarring when someone clears his throat while you’re wrangling spreadsheets.

The man is in a light jacket, tee shirt and jeans. Looks like he works out. Kind of a stupid haircut, but he’s at least committed to it. Very distinct looking, Simon’s voice says in your head, easy to track. Unlikely to cause problems.

Something about him makes the hair on your arms stand on end.

“D’ya mind?” he gestures to the chair across from you. At your skeptical look, he rushes to assure you, “ Jus’ fer mah coffee, ‘n t’read,” holding up a thick paperback. He gestures to the rest of the cafe. “Wouldnae bother you, but this’s the only open chair.”

The shop is unusually crowded. You frown up at him. “I’m really busy.”

“Willnae hear a peep from me,” he promises, setting down his coffee and pulling out the chair across from you. He turns the chair so he’s facing more of the room instead of the corner you’re in. And he opens his book.

You watch him for a minute, but he doesn’t look up. It’s hard to shake the feeling that something is wrong, but you do need to work. With a last wary glance at him, you settle your headphones over your ears - transparency on - and get back to organizing a data set that reminds you of a ball of duct tape.

It’s time for a break before you know it. Your companion, true to his word, hasn’t said a peep since he sat down, more than an hour ago. He barely looks up as you close your laptop before turning back to his book. He does look up when you flag down one of the servers.

“Lunch,” you say, inanely. To the server, you say, “Can I get the chicken sandwich today?”

“Chips ‘n a lemonade, yeah?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

They turn to your table mate. “And for you?”

“The same, ah guess?” He raises his eyebrows at you, like he expects you to give him permission or something. He looks back at the server. “Yeah, a chicken piece for me, as well. ‘Nd a juice?”

“Separate checks?”

“Aye, ta,” the guy says. When the server leaves, he blanches. “Hope you dinnae mind.”

You do mind, but it’s not like he can sit anywhere else right now. “It’s fine.”

He sets his book on the table, and your eyebrows shoot up. Whatever you thought he’d be reading, Jurassic Park wasn’t it. He grins. “Ah ken. It’s old, yeah? But it’s a damn sight better’n the movie.”

“Isn’t that how it goes,” you say, vaguely. 

But you’ve already fallen into his trap. He turns his chair to face you, crossing his arms and leaning into the table. His eyes are unnervingly blue - somehow even bluer than Simon’s - and bright with interest. “’M serious. It’s not just that a character yells in the movie and speaks softly in the book, aye? In fact, the movie made Dr. Sattler older, aye? Great choice, emphasize ‘er expertise.” 

Aging up a woman character? You’re reluctantly intrigued. “She was a less important character in the book?”

“Nae,” the man scoffs. “She’s probably the first o’em to realize how shite the whole thing is. Notices things. Stuff the other’s aren’t payin’ attention to because she’s the plant expert, an’ naebody pays attention to plants.”

You find yourself drawn in, in spite of yourself. Johnny, as he introduces himself, has obviously been waiting for a chance to talk about it, but he’s not pushy. He excitedly pulls a pen from his pocket to doodle along with his explanations. By the time your food has arrived, he’s convinced you to at least try the audiobook.

“I cannae pay attention stuff in mah ears,” he says with a grin as he starts to dig in. “But I hear good things, if you don’t ‘ave time to sit an’ read the text.”

As you nod along, you look up and almost choke on your next swallow. Simon is outside, looking at you through the window with raised eyebrows above his usual black surgical mask. His eyes flick to give the man at your table an obvious once over. And then he turns away and walks out of sight.

“Ye alrigh’?” Johnnys’ eyebrows are up near his hairline when you look back at him. “Ye look like ye’ve seen a ghost.”

“Y-yeah,” you say, torn between staying seated and the urge to run after Simon. You can’t help but look at the window again, but he’s gone, there’s nothing for it. “Sorry, I thought… Sorry. Yeah, I’ll get the audiobook.”

When you get home, Simon is on the couch, the TV on with the volume low. He watches you, like he always does, as you take off your shoes and shuffle around to put away your things. When you finally join him on the couch, you find that he’s watching a nature documentary. A crocodile slides under the water with barely a ripple.

“He was only sitting with me because there wasn’t anywhere else,” you rush to say.

Simon turns to cock his head at you. “You get ‘is name?”

“John. Johnny,” you answer. “He told me about his book, but I left as soon as we were done eating.”

“Good,” he says with a nod. He lifts the arm closest to you, pulling you close as you settle into his side. “’S good to have friends, Precious.”

“He’s not a friend. Just some guy out to lunch like everyone else.” 

“You let him stay,” Simon points out. He squeezes you in a rough approximation of a one armed hug. “Been nervous around people, but you’re gettin’ better.”

This isn’t what you expected. You can’t help but side-eye him. “You’re… proud of me?”

Simon’s lips press gently against your forehead. “’S long as you pick better this time, I don’t mind you ‘aving friends. Can’t keep you all to myself forever. ‘Sides, you’ve marked me proper, ‘aven’t you? Got me as your little pet. Johnny’s not gonna be a problem.”

The little pink scar around his ribs is little more than a raised line. You slide your fingers under his shirt to pet at it. Among all of his scars, it’s one of the smallest. You’d cried the first time he’d let you see under the bandages.

“You’re not a pet,” you grumble, leaning your head on his shoulder. “You’re an alligator who won’t leave my house.”

“Your alligator, now,” Simon agrees. He focuses back on the television, seemingly done with the conversation.

You could leave it at that. But you turn to face him, instead. “You’re not mad?”

“Not unless ‘e ‘urts ya.” Simon presses his lips against your hair. “An’ I wouldn’t let that ‘appen.”

The following week, though, he stands over you with an exaggerated grimace at how crowded the place is. “Och, d’ya mind?”

Johnny is there the next time you go to the cafe. He waves from his table, but ducks back into his notebook without waving you over. So you work from your own table in peace. When you take a break for lunch, he’s gone. Two days later, it’s the same. It’s easier to concentrate, now that you’re less worried that he’ll take the conversation from the other day as an invitation. 

With a sigh, you clear some space for him. But just like last time, he keeps to himself, reading and occasionally jotting things down in his notebook. It’s not until just before lunch that he breaks the silence.

“D’y’ve a boyfriend then?” You can’t keep yourself from cringing fast enough, apparently, because he laughs. “Sorry, sorry, shouldnae asked.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you grumble.

“Aw,” he coos. “Don’ worry hen. You’re right bonnie. Ah’m sure they’ll come around, whoever they are.”

That would be sweet, if it wasn’t so painfully off base. “Yeah. Sure.”

“Oh, you’re right done wit’ me,” he laughs. “Ah ken’t I shoulda kept mah mouth shut. Ma always said runnin’ mah mouth would get me into trouble. I won’t bother ye again.” 

You roll your eyes. “It’s fine. I just don’t want to talk about it.”

He doesn’t push, and you’re grateful. But when it comes time to pay for lunch, he insists on paying. It grates on your nerves. A gift from a guy is never just generosity, you learned that long before Brandon. But you clench your jaw and pack your bag up a bit more roughly than usual and say your goodbyes.

“They didn’t have the brownies you wanted,” you announce as you return home from the grocer, two days later. “I think it was a limited edi…tion…”

You notice Simon watching through the window, but he’s there and gone before you can get a read on his expression.

There’s a smattering of blood on the entryway carpet.

You don’t drop the bag with the eggs, but only because your muscles are locked up. Did someone break into the apartment? Was Simon here when they did, or next door? Did they leave? Did he take them?

A sound makes you gasp before you bite your tongue hard enough to taste blood. And then again, a muffled groan, close, from the direction of your couch. 

It’s not Simon’s voice.

You gently set your bags down and reach behind the coats for the blackjack Simon insisted on leaving there for security. There’s a rustling. Another groan. You stoop low, trying to make yourself a smaller target, and creep around the edge of the couch.

When you see Johnny, bound and gagged, shirt covered in blood where he lies on the floor, your stomach drops so fast you feel dizzy.

“No, no, no, no, no,” you whisper, dropping the jack with a thump. You crawl over to him, looking around frantically. Simon is nowhere to be seen. But he did this. He had to have done this. Right?

Johnny twitches, groans again, eyelids fluttering open. When he sees you, his eyes go wide, and he frantically tries to sit up.

“No, don’t! I don’t know where you’re hurt,” you hiss. You reach around his head to untie the cloth that’s gagging him. “Oh my god-”

“We gotta get out’f here, bonnie,” he grunts, leaning into your hands as you help him upright. He spits blood on the floor. “No tellin’ when that mental bastard gets back.”

“Oh god,” you whisper again, touching the front of his shirt. It’s dark and sticky in a bloom across his chest. “Where are you hurt? Did he stab you?”

“Ah’m okay,” he grunts. “A bit banged up, but ah’ll live.”

You swallow down the urge to vomit. “There’s a lot of blood, Johnny.”

“S’nae all mine,” he answers. “C’mon, untie me, before Simon gets back.”

You’re shifting to reach behind him before your mind catches up. You can feel the blood drain from your face. “W-what? What did you say?”

“We need to get out of here!”

“No, you said his name, you called him - ”

“Simon? That’s what ye called him when you came home,” he hisses. 

“No, I didn’t,” you whisper, body stuttering between frozen and electrified. You never call Simon’s name where others can hear. “And - and I - you - you were unconscious.”

Shining blue eyes stare into yours from two inches away. Johnny’s bloody mouth curls into a smile. “Oh, he’s trained you up good, he has.”

You scream when he lunges forward, huge arms grabbing at you. 

His weight crushes the air out of your lungs when your back hits the ground. You twist under him, using the arm he hasn’t trapped to grab his hair and yank. He swears, and loosens his hold just enough that you’re able to free your other hand and jab him in the throat.

You expect the way that he chokes, but the hand he’s twisted in the back of your shirt stays locked tight. He coughs out a frenzied laugh as you twist. Your heart races as he prevents you from getting your knees up between your belly and his. But he doesn’t expect you to hammer the heel of your boot against the back of his knee, or how you use the leverage against his leg to roll away onto your belly. 

He doesn’t let go of you, but that’s fine, that’s okay, as long as you can reach under the edge of the couch. Johnny pounces, body curling around you without quite pinning you down. His fingers twist into your hair in an echo of how you wrenched at him. But he doesn’t stop your hand, grabbing the leg of the couch and then reaching under and up and-

“Try again, Bonnie,” Johnny chuckles into your ear when your hand meets nothing but cotton and wood.

Your heart doesn’t have time to stop. The grinding pain between your hip bone and the floor makes you pop up your pelvis and reach down. The tiny knife, Little K, jumps to your hand. It’s so easy to flick it open, you think you almost cut your own belly as you heave. Johnny rides you for a moment, then pops up onto his knees to let you roll freely.

You don’t have time to decide, gut or femoral, you just swing. Denim parts, pressure - 

Johnny yelps.

His weight is suddenly gone, and the arc of your arm slams the back of your hand and your elbow onto the carpet. It’s a shock, almost hard enough to make you drop the knife. You flick your eyes around, nearly blind with tunnel vision, and see Johnny standing over you. His jeans are slashed, outer thigh almost to crotch, but you can’t see blood, fuck.

He sways, oddly. Is your vision swimming? He doesn’t descend on you again, though, just laughs and wiggles. One of his feet isn’t on the ground, his injured leg is dangling, did you get him?

You imagine you can see Simon’s face, a little angry and a little amused. If you die here, Johnny will live to see his own intestines, you know it. Even if you survive, he won’t. Simon might gift you another skull. The thought almost has a laugh bubbling out of you. 

“You stupid motherfucker,” you hiss. 

“Oh, now you’ve done it.”

Simon’s voice startles you into action. You’re off your back and scrabbling backward in and instant as he manifests behind Johnny. Except, you realize, that Simon is holding Johnny up, one arm snaked under Johnny’s and hand around the back of his neck. That’s why Johnny looks off balance, it’s because he is, because Simon is here, he’s going to save you-

“Did real good, Precious,” Simon says with a grin. “Knew you’d get along.”

What? “What?”

Simon says something else, but you can barely hear him over your heart pounding in your ears. But you hear it when Johnny laughs. You see when Simon releases him with a ruffle to his mohawk and a shove toward the armchair. Before you know it, Simon’s scooped you into his arms and taken his usual seat on the couch. He pries the knife from your hand and snaps it closed. 

“Told you I was thinkin’ of gettin you a dog,” Simon rumbles, sitting you in his lap so your back is against his chest. Before you can protest that no, he never once mentioned a fucking dog, he continues, “This’n’s mostly ‘ousebroken, already. Soap needs a firm ‘and, but you c’n ‘andle him. 

Soap? What the fuck does soap have to do with anything? What kind of a name is…

"Oi!” Simon barks. “Off the furniture.”

Your stomach drops as you remember John Price, two months ago now. “Soap’s supposed to be my troublemaker, not you.” Soap.

When your wide eyes swing to him,  Johnny’s face is split into a toothy grin. He tips his head back against the seat of the arm chair. One of his hands touches the blood blooming through his jeans and brings it up to his lips. He laves his tongue over his fingers. “Ah’m lookin’ forward to gettin’ to know you, Bonnie.”

A part of you wants to get up and slit his throat. The rest of you slumps back into Simon’s chest and bursts into tears.

[toxictigertonic]

HEYYY ! Love your outlast trials headcanons omgg :D I don’t know if you have yet, but please can you do a day at the Beach onee with the prime assets ?

Yessss keep asking me about the sillies please. I'm going to put them in any situation imaginable. Mentally pushing them down the stairs for yours and my entertainment.

COYLE

- Refuses to wear sunscreen, gets burnt to shit. The hat is the only thing that protects his bald head from burning. Has sunglasses tan lines.

- Won't admit to it, but he likes to pretend to be a shark when he's in the water. That's if you can get the battery off of him.

- Wears American flag swim trunks.

- Is the one that brings a fuck ton of sand back with him. It's in his shoes, in his swim trunks, even his hat. Don't ask.

- Steals Franco's beach toys and hides them in his trunks. Will not give them back.

- Strong swimmer, would attempt to surf, would absolutely eat shit. Franco would be cheering in the background.

- Did not pack a lunch, bitches and moans about being hungry the whole time until given food.

- Classic beach bully. Kicking sand in people's faces, splashing people who are sun bathing, just a menace.

- Gets pinched by a crab as soon as he steps onto the beach. He deserves it tbh.

MOTHER GOOSEBERRY

- Overpacks for the trip. Somehow forgets sunscreen. Has to go back for it because she burns easy.

- Futterman has the little stripe of sunscreen on his beak. Gotta stay protected from the sun, even if you're a goose puppet.

- Sandcastle master. Yet another art she's perfected. Decorates them with seashells she finds.

- Also the one that goes out of her way to collect pretty seashells. She's got a jar of them :)

- She loves to swim and be in the water. Futterman hisses like a cat as soon as she's within 5 feet of the water.

- Futterman has a floatie around his neck. This does not make him feel any better.

- She wears the biggest, floppiest sun hat and the cutest striped one piece. Futterman's hat has stripes on it to look like a bathing suit.

- Brings lunch for everybody, she made sandwiches! If you complain about her choice of sandwich ingredients she's dunking your head underwater.

- Futterman has to have copious amounts of sand shaken out of him before they go home. He's pissed.

FRANCO

- I feel like he'd like the beach a lot but not be able to swim for shit. Floaties, life jacket, he needs it all for his own safety.

- Purple swim trunks and a cute beach themed button up that Gooseberry got him. Also has a cute beach towel.

- Gooseberry tries to warn him to be careful about not losing his pacifier in the sand. He does not listen. Problems ensue. He blames Coyle and says he stole it.

- After he finds his pacifier (it got lost in the sand), he's still pissed bc it's covered in sand. How's a man supposed to enjoy the beach with a sand covered pacifier? The answer is he's not, he wants to go home now.

- Did not bring Lupara, he could've but he didn't want to get sand in her.

- Coyle keeps kicking over his sand castles, especially when he's almost done with them. He filled one with rocks in retaliation :)

- Him and Gooseberry build sandcastles together! She helps him decorate and make them pretty.

- Went to go in the water but his foot touched something squishy and it freaked him out.

- Absolutely believes that if you eat and then go swimming you'll drown. Tries to convince Coyle to eat then swim, and is pissed when he doesn't die.

Bonus! They all team up to bury Pusher in the sand up to the neck. He screams "not cool man, not cool!" the whole time. Nobody listens. They may have forgotten him there.

[anonymityisfunwriter]

Bucky Barnes Masterlist

Alone Together (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: It was always been you and Bucky, alone together, you'd say. But suddenly, you're just alone. And all you have is yourself - a you that you hate. When those people died because of you - you throw yourself back in. When you find out about Sharon and Bucky, you have the game.

It's a good game. You're always winning. You're perfect at it. It's all a game to you. You'll be happy once you win. That is, until you lose.

Enough For You - Mini Series (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: "You're not coming back. You're going back to her." You always knew that you weren't enough for him. You warned him that you wouldn't be there if he left.

The Fates' Design (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: Flower, gleam and glow, let your power shine, make the clock reverse, heal what has been hurt, change the fates' design, save what has been lost, bring back what once was mine, what once was mine...

The Grumpy x Sunshine Series (Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff)🫶 · Grumpy!Bucky Barnes x Sunshine!Reader

The Way I Loved You (Hurt/Comfort) 🫶

Gorgeous (Part 1) (Fluff) 🫶 Gorgeous (Part 2)

On the Run (Requested, Angst, Hurt/Comfort) 🫶 Begin Again (Hurt/Comfort, Fluff) 🫶 Begin Again (Part 2 Drabble)

You're Losing Me - Mini Series (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) 🫶 · Summary: Your fairytale ending is crumbling before your eyes. You don't know how to love someone who can't tell you're dying. You fear you're fading away, begging him to do something, say something, choose something. You fear he won't be able to resuscitate you this time. This time, he's losing you.

A Different Type Of Grief (Requested, Angst) If You Lie Down With Me (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: You know what kind of man he is. A liar. The sort of man that promises everything under the sun. The sort of man that promises dreamy nights and delivers lonely mornings. You only wish his lies weren't so sweet. How You Get The Girl (Angst, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: How Bucky Barnes got the girl, in five easy steps

Love Triangle (Angst) · Summary: No one escapes a love triangle unscathed.

bad idea right? | get him back! | love is embarrassing (Fluff) · Summary: It's a bad idea. He's a bad idea. A walking red flag, if your friends are right about him. It's really too bad red was always your favorite color.

Who Did This To You? (Requested, Hurt/Comfort) · Summary: You're Bucky's girl, and no one touches Bucky's girl.

I Can See You (Hurt/Comfort) 🫶 · Summary: You and Bucky don't see eye to eye, everyone knows that. They don't know that you and Bucky once knew each other under very different names. And they most certainly don't know that when he looks at you, he can still every stolen moment, his jacket on the floor, notes saying meet him at midnight, you up against the wall with him. No, they don't see that at all.

tolerate it. (Requested, Angst) 🫶 · Summary: you tolerate his faithless love as much as he tolerates you.

Timeless - Mini Series (Requested Hurt/Comfort, Fluff) ☀️ 🫶 · Summary: It's the kind of love you find once in a lifetime, the kind of love you don't put down, and somehow, you know you would've found each other in every life.

our day will come. (Angst) · Summary: you tell him over and over again, your day will come. you swear it will. the sun will shine on you if he gives it time. your day will come. one way or another.

it will come back (Angst, Dark) · Summary: how were you to know that he would always come back?

The Uptown Girl and The Brooklyn Boy (Fluff) · Summary: Everyone knows that all any Uptown Girl needs is a Greaser from Brooklyn to make her forget all about her uptown world.

Once Upon A December (Angst) · Summary: Of all the things your heart used to know, things it years to remember, Bucky Barnes is at the top of that list.

Too Sweet (Semi!Dark) · Summary - He knows you're too sweet, but it won't stop him from trying to enter heaven's gate.

Key: Part of The Grumpy x Sunshine Series - ☀️ Part of The Inspired By Taylor Swift Series - 🫶 AnonymityIsFun Masterlist

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA For Not Budging On A Potentially Unconventional Need?

I (M20+) have BPD and Autism, and when I was younger, they'd both team up to cause me a lot of struggle.

One of the biggest things I used to do was self isolate when I was upset or worried, and just sit around after throwing out some red flags, hoping someone would read my mind and ask me if I was alright.

OBVIOUSLY THAT WASN'T VERY HEALTHY, neither for myself or for others. I definitely think that was an "ESH" time period.

So now that I'm older, in therapy, taking meds, and generally doing better and am a lot happier, I put clear communication as my #1 priority in all of my relationships.

I don't phrase anything in a way that sounds confrontational, I don't tell people what they can or can't do, who they can or can't talk with, don't get jealous too easily, etc. I only ask for honesty, compromise, and mutual respect for boundaries.

I really thought I was doing well for myself by swapping "I won't communicate at all" out for "I need to communicate often"

But one thing that I just can't seem to stop is the paranoia when it comes to people I'm particularly close and very vulnerable with; I'll notice certain changes in their demeanor and worry it's because I've done something wrong, or that they don't like me as much anymore. Sometimes I CAN brush it off and wait it out until I'm inadvertently proven otherwise.

But if it's not going away, and I'm worried it's just getting worse, I need to just ask for their honest thoughts and get it over with. If for some reason they were actually upset, my intention would NOT be to double down or lash out. I just DON'T want to be strung along by a lie, as has happened!

This isn't really that common of an occurrence either. Maybe every few weeks during particularly hard periods.

I don't feel this way about people I'm not very close to, and people who do manage to get very close to me know this about me; I keep no secrets about my mental health and try to be extremely upfront. A lot of people will say at first that they understand, but over time, I'll eventually get that flack and heartache from them, saying that it's just too exhausting for them. At best, I'm kinda teased for it. It's made me feel like I haven't made as much progress in my recovery as I thought I had, which sucks.

It's not me starting arguments or fights, or accusing them of anything. Just me saying "Hey, I've been feeling a little paranoia lately, is everything okay between us? Is there anything we should talk about?" or something like that.

I'm really conflicted about it.

On one hand, I feel like if things are okay, it shouldn't be difficult or tiring to say "Nope, everything's alright, dw!" If you still like me in a certain way, why would it be tiring to just say so? It takes maybe five seconds to type/say. The only way I can see it being tiring is if they were just telling me white lies about how they felt, and had to maintain the act.

On the other hand, I know BPD isn't without its delusions, and that Autism isn't without its "misunderstanding of social norms". I know I'm likely to see things differently from others. I know it's not exactly EASY to love someone like me. Maybe it IS too much of a demand, and I've just convinced myself it's not?

This IS something I'm trying to work through in therapy regardless, but I just worry that it isn't a symptom that will ever fully go away, and instead it needs to be worked with.

Am I the asshole for standing by that, at LEAST for now? Is it fair? Or is that too much of a need for people to reasonably accommodate? Am I just not trying hard enough to be better?

If I ever got particularly close to someone again, would I be an asshole for again insisting that if I need reassurance to dismiss an oncoming spiral, they should be able to meet that need instead of asking that I keep the paranoia to myself and just deal with it on my own? Which may or may not work, or even make things worse.

I know it can make people feel like I don't trust them. That much I do understand! But I've tried telling them that it's not that I don't trust or respect them, I don't trust or respect myself. I dunno if that makes sense to anyone without BPD, though.

This is both a "Was I the asshole?" and a "Would I be the asshole?" ask I guess, lol

[bomber-grl]

Flufftober 2024

Day 4: Ghost stories

Pairing(s): Leo Valdez x Gn!Reader

Mentions of alcohol

Whispers have been going around camp the last few days now that you and Leo have been back from Indiana just for the weekend.

You’ve only been able to hear a few words here and there before the people you were eavesdropping on noticed and quickly ran away.

Finally, you had enough and approached another camper, asking what was going on. An easy victim was quickly found in the Pegasus stables as it left no where to run.

At last you had the piece of information you had so desperately needed, plus you also understood why there was so much secrecy.

Initially everyone had been whispering on about ghosts and stuff, not that they were present as they were quickly found out to be just rumors.

Only that a new things had emerged from it, a “party” in the woods after curfew tomorrow, aka Saturday. Why it had to be kept secret was so obvious, the harpy’s and Chiron alike would have your heads (only the harpys, Chiron would just make your ears bleed) if they found out.

With this new information you quickly abandoned your place in the strawberry fields (despite them being horribly out of season) and made your way to the forgery to alert Leo that you were both going, just to listen to drama of course.

-

It was now after dark and you quietly and cautiously snuck out of your cabin (god forbid any of your siblings might’ve heard (if you had any))

You began going through the woods based on pure instinct because you were way too close to the others and a flashlight would’ve drawn way too much attention for comfort.

You could’ve sworn you heard a few twigs hear and there snapping not to far behind you. Still, you paid them no mind, if anything happened you could just apprehend whoever was there.

Finally you turned to your left, at this point just hoping that you’re close to the supposed “bonfire” that was going to happen. Let’s just say wandering in the dark alone was less than ideal.

“Boo!” from your left a figure suddenly shot out of a bush. It was embarrassing but you admittedly did get jumpscared.

“Ughh Leo!” You pushed his shoulder and ushered him out of the bush. His hair was all messy, presumably from hiding in the bush and you quickly took it upon yourself to get the twigs out.

He let out this weird little giggle and smirked, “you love me, just say it”

“Shut up and let’s go you dummy” you walked hand in hand with Leo further down the path and finally made it.

It was hard to see it at first with all the mist, charms, and illusions placed over it like a veil by the Hecate and Morpheus kids. They were really taking the extra precautions of not getting caught, especially since there was booze. (The Dionysus kid in the corner gave it away)

You two took a seat on a log (rather you sat and Leo rested his head on your lap), others were situated around and besides you just drinking away when Chiara, a child of Tyche began a tale.

When she cleared her throat and announced her topic of conversation, everyone went quiet.

Her eyebrows quirked up and began to move in an animated way. “Yknow supposedly the whole “ghost” and supernatural thing was dubbed just a rumor, but what happened to me just other day would prove that wrong.”

There was a sudden harsh wind and a shiver ran down your back, you should’ve brought a sweater. You also could’ve sworn you heard something to your distant left.

But, she continued, “there I was, it was after capture the flag and I had left some weaponry that I had only remembered to get once it got dark..”

She trailed off, the thought of monsters and such being around you in the dark was terrifying ironically enough.

Finally you snapped back for a moment, luckily she was still going on.

“And you know what I found?” She tried her best to make it spooky, and as much as you wish it didn’t, it was working.

“Let me guess, your mom?” Damian White and child of Nemesis who was sitting right besides her finally spoke his first retort of the night. Gosh it’s a wonder how they still haven’t gotten together yet. (Hinting at canon)

“It was obviously a rhetorical question Damian-“ “yea well why would you even be telling this tale if you’re so lucky?-“

Their conversation sort of trailed off but then it went silent when the sound of running was the only thing heard. And it was going straight at you guys.

Leo finally got up from his position on your lap and turned to you, sort of bunching up to be as close as possible to you. “Do you think it’s the ghost?” Despite him whispering that question, everyone else heard and began panicking.

The fact that you were all well equipped demigods seemed to have eluded you at the moment, you all shivered and stared into the abyss of darkness, awaiting your fate.

Slowly, a hoof then another and another and another emerged from said darkness, the bonfires light illuminating the being in front of you.

Chiron had been the one making the noise, and was also the one person who you had all been hiding from.

The funny thing was that he was in his pjs, he had obviously already been ready for bed and your little shenanigans (?) had ruined it.

“I-I thought there were charms up!” Somehow the Dionysus kid from earlier was suddenly sober and thinking the same thing you were.

Instead of the Hecate kid answering Chiron answered for her, “Mist is a great tool, not so great to use against a being that’s had enough time to see through it.”

With that your “party” was disbanded and you all went back to your cabins with hefty punishment in your futures.

There was really no way to run, especially with Chiron behind you all as you walked back to camp.

Still, it was funny seeing Leo shiver like a leaf the whole way back.

You brought your covers up and let out a breath, the day was over and you were best. This time around you were staying in bed and not sneaking off.

Except, maybe.. somehow you managed to sneak Leo in and had him there next to you all cuddled up. He was scared, you had to! (He wasn’t anymore)

You have better enjoyed that because the next morning was filled with punishment after punishment. Plus it was humiliating to be dogged on by the other campers, had to stop yourself from strangling someone the whole day.

[shadowetienne]

Reflecting on seeing OnlyOneOf for Things I Can't Say LOve tour stop in San Francisco (2024/05/03)

I meant to type this up sooner, but I've had several hectic weeks (leading up to going down to SF to see OnlyOneOf and since). Mostly good hectic, but hectic nonetheless. It was incredible getting to see OnlyOneOf again though, and I want to write up the experience before it fades in my memory.

This was a much less whirlwind trip than last year (where we drove down the night before and back up the next day), but it was still an adventure. We started very early in the morning on Wednesday, May 1st, with @redeim and his partner picking me up around 6 am just north of Seattle, and then us going to pick up another friend who was roadtripping down to CA with us to see relatives but not to see the concert. We had two drivers this time (Redeim and his partner) which was already an improvement on last trip. Redeim was coming off a knee and ankle injury, which will come up again, but was a bit of an impediment. The trip was, as expected, long. We didn't actually make it to where we were staying (with Redeim's partner's family over across the Bay from SF) until something like 1 am. I did knit an entire cowl on the trip down though, and it was nice to get to see a lot of the trip in daylight this time. Thursday (all day) and Friday (morning) were spent visiting with people we know in the Bay Area.

We went up fairly early for when we needed to be there for VVIP check in, but not absolutely as early as we could have (here we are before we headed out: https://shadowetienne.tumblr.com/post/749535185571315712). It was easy enough getting in and getting checked in, getting our lanyards for VVIP and our premium snapshot tickets. We didn't take that long in and out which was nice because Redeim's partner hadn't gotten VVIP so was waiting for us outside while we did the check in. We then went to get caffeinated beverages and some food (and a silver sharpie from the art store a few blocks down because we'd forgotten ours in Washington and we wanted to have it for people to be able to sign the flag).

But soon enough, we were back to the venue area, and during the time we'd done our little wander, the lines had started to properly gather (even though it was technically early for the VVIP line to have started to form). We wandered the VVIP+ line side for a while trying to get as many signatures on the flag and getting a fair number of freebies in exchange. There were also a good number of people with GA tickets around who we were able to get a chance to sign the flag. But after a bit of this, people were herded into the VVIP line for not blocking the sidewalk reasons. Redeim and I were still getting a pretty steady stream of people to sign the flag because we had it out and people were wandering along the line with freebies, or walking around if they were in VIP or GA and didn't have a line up area yet. At some point in here we got the delightful chance to see @jungwookjins and @tolkpopfan who swung by to sign the flag and say hi! (Standing in line and getting the flag signed: https://shadowetienne.tumblr.com/post/749535784683667456)

We also got to chat with the people around us in line, and as always lyOns are delightful. I got so many compliments on my outfit, and so many people who remembered me/us from last year. Handed out a few of the little pride flags that we'd brought for people who didn't have lightsticks (or just wanted a pride flag). There was a lot of commiseration about how much of a menace Rie can be (was last year, and it turns out would continue to be this year).

Eventually, after a good long while of waiting, it was VVIP's turn to go in for fansign. I liked the set up for this better than last year because where we were queued up let us watch the members for a while before we actually went up to get the posters signed. I got to watch the tail end of the fanchat before they took the chairs away, and then a chunk of VVIP that came before us. Some fun observations from that time: Nine continues to move constantly in his seat. I was very entertained watching him kicking his heels together with his feet resting on the cross bar of his chair and just being incredibly wiggly. Junji was very very smiley, and he seemed to be really enjoying being there. Also his hair was so good. KB projects the most of all of them in terms of being able to hear his voice when I was standing in line. I definitely spent most of this time watching Rie though (I suspect no one is shocked). He looked incredible, and I was so curious how the interactions would go this time.

At last, it was our turn to go up for the fansign. I believe it went Yoojung, Mill, Junji, Rie, Nine, KB, but the middle could be out of order there. Yoojung and Mill were both quick for me, they signed, they said thank you/love you, it wasn't a big interaction. Junji did a repeat of last year's interaction a little bit. He looked up at me, gave two thumbs up and said "shirt!" with a big smile again, and then said "thank you for coming again." At this point, I suspected that he might remember me from last year, or at least my shirt. Rie was, unsurprisingly but somehow still surprisingly, a menace. He looked up, definitely remembered me because the first thing out of his mouth was "thank you for coming back bestie" (he kept using bestie, it was somehow very charming). I told him he was my favorite, and he said, "I love you," and at this point he's trying to be handed Redeim's poster and I'm only freaking out a little bit. I got passed along to the rest of the members to sign, but I've got to tell you, I don't remember as much about what they did because Rie had just done his Rie thing.

This is where Redeim being in the process of recovering from an injury comes back into play. He was using a cane, and after the fansign, they were going to herd us down into a room downstairs for waiting until the high touch and group photo, down the steep stairs in an old building. One of the staff noticed Redeim using the cane, asked if he was OK with the stairs, and then herded us over into ADA (I was like "can I stay with him" which they were chill about). This was the first bit of venue weirdness, and it turned out ADA wasn't very well placed. It was sort of off to a side and too far back, especially for a standing venue. People sitting in ADA were going to have a very hard time seeing the stage. We had to wait for a while, and they ended up having the ADA area folks all go up together for the group photos (because they forgot to tell us how they wanted us to join the line until it was getting into VIP, and there were a mix of VVIP+, VVIP, and VIP folks in the ADA section at this point). This did mean that I got to watch most of the high touch and group photo process from over at the ADA section. They are so sweet and friendly and good at fan interaction. They're very clearly happy to see all the fans!

When we got to do our high touch and group photo it went pretty fast, I did get to confirm that the shoes that I wore this time made me about Junji's height, which was fun. Mill only startled a tiny bit at my tiny hands this time. Rie continued to be a menace. Got a smirk and a hand squeeze again this year. Then for the group photo, I was standing behind in a sort of in between way Rie and Nine, which was nice (hopefully group photo turns out OK, haven't seen it yet).

Then it was back to ADA to wait for a bit while stuff got set up and it was time for them to start letting people in. It ended up being a standing only venue other than the ADA section because they'd closed off the balcony (Redeim's partner had originally been expecting to sit up in the balcony for GA). I'd decided that I was going to go stand as close as I could to be able to get the flag up to the stage, but Redeim also decided that he would come stand up there with me, so once VVIP started coming in, we made our way up to stand as close as we could (they gave us little stickers that meant that we had in and out options for ADA). Redeim's partner got a great photo of us while we were standing waiting for things to start because he was just a little behind us: https://shadowetienne.tumblr.com/post/749583294468849664

I'm tall enough that I could see the stage quite well (or well, as well as I can see anything), Redeim was struggling a little bit more, and would at a point end up going back to ADA for a while, and then standing a bit further back with his partner while I stayed as far forward as I could. This is wild for me because with any other crowd, there would be absolutely no way I'd be comfortable standing away from my people. I generally feel really comfortable around lyOns though, and so many people had recognized me from last year, and had said nice things about my outfit. As we were settling in waiting for the show to actually start, we passed out all the rest of our little pride flags to people who had been standing with Redeim's partner in GA or who were clustered near us and didn't have something to wave. It was lovely how excited people were about them.

Eventually the concert started, and all my focus was on the stage. OnlyOneOf are incredible performers. I couldn't tell you the set order, or exactly what they performed off the top of my head for the most part (Redeim has videos), but every single stage was so good. I was definitely the most focused on watching Rie, but all of them had pretty good coverage of the stage when they were doing talking bits or songs that didn't have choreo and they wandered around. There were some moments that stood out to me a lot because of who I was watching: so many cute JunRie moments sort of scattered through out. Rie was having trouble with either his microphone or something on his outfit, and during one of the first ments, he and Junji sort of dropped back to the back of the stage and Junji helped him fix it. There were several hugs scattered through. The entire wonderful nonsense of Junji doing the challenge dance with the belt, and KB stealing Yoojung's belt for him to do it with, and Rie joining in on the choreo (and then KB also joining in and being very silly). And the ui medley stage, which was incredible. We didn't get one of the most exciting JunRie endings of the entire tour so far, but they made hearts together and then walked off holding hands which was sweet. But then after the ui medley, we got the treat of all of the members messing around trying to show Nine and Mill that they could clearly do the ending choreo of beyOnd better.

As we were approaching the end of the show, I got the flag out and was holding it up at times (I was trying not to block anyone's view, but I wanted to make sure that the guys got a chance to see it in the audience). Flag definitely got a few of their attention! I got reactions (pointing to it with a big smile, hand hearts, some combination there of) from everyone but Mill (he didn't make it over in the area during one of the times it was more visible). I also may have hidden behind the flag a little bit when they sprayed us with water because I did not entirely enjoy that sensory experience. I actually tried to send the flag up at two different points, but the first one ended up coming back to me because for some reason it didn't keep getting passed forward, but after another flag had gone up successfully, I managed to send the flag up on stage: https://shadowetienne.tumblr.com/post/749535481042272256

Mill is the one who ended up with the flag, and it was around his shoulders for a good long while. I wish that they'd gotten more chance to look at all the messages that people left for them, but I'm glad that it made it up on stage and all the members interacted with it at least a little. They had to send all the things back into the audience this year (sadly, we really wanted to have the flag be a gift to them). Redeim and I are plotting ways that we might be able to get it to them as a gift if they come back next year/in the future.

I already talked about the premium snapshot experience (and my confirmation that both Rie and Junji remembered me from last year) here: https://shadowetienne.tumblr.com/post/749574999788109824/got-premium-snapshots-with-both-rie-and-junji-it

It had started drizzling a little bit by the time I got out of the venue, but we were able to make our bus and train connections back to where we'd parked just fine, and then back to where we were staying. I'd originally been hoping to go into SF the next day for a bit, but between weather (pouring rain) and being exhausted, we ended up having a rest day, and then we drove back up on Sunday (again leaving very early). Got home just before midnight, and I'm definitely still just rotating the experience in my mind.

I hope they are able to come back again next year, and maybe also come to Seattle next year (though I'm going to be so very very tempted to try to see them at multiple stops if I can manage it). They are so incredible, and while I think that last year is still my very favorite concert I've ever been to, this year was amazing, minor venue issues and all.

Also, I'm just going to be reeling for a while over Rie and Junji both remembering me. I'm not sure how I feel about being perceived, but overall it was a nice feeling, they seemed so happy that people were coming back to see them again. Also Rie is an absolute menace and flirt, but it's charming.

[snufflepup]

Sorry it took me like forever to send in another ask. I walked my ex home to her house and missed my bus so my mom had to pick me up and she beat my ass and my shoes got so worn that i had holes in them lol. Totally worth it though, cause I got time with her. Honestly I'm torn between still being with her or loving all on you, cause I mean I love her so so much despite how badly she fucked me up. Im pathetic ik, but I also have come to love you just as much :(. Also one word to sum up the southeast, HOT (kinda like you~) and the bugs are crazy. People are pretty shit, I think I live in what's called the 'Bible belt' so that's pretty fucked considering I'm trans and not straight and everyone's a dick. Though there are some good people. While walking my ex to her house, we stopped by a convenience store and tried to buy some monsters with my cashapp but it wouldn't work for whatever reason, and this nice lady at the register bought them for us^^ she was nice and pretty, I couldn't thank her enough. Though most people, especially that I go to school with, would rather beat me up than talk to me about even partner work lol. Cis boys are....not the most accepting of people like me, I've come to find haha. All the girls in my classes are two faced as shit too. I'm glad I'm able to fluster you like that, though I wish I was more...'flirtatiously adept' like milena. I'm not good with people lol. I can talk and carry a conversation, but not very good with it in terms of flow and word choice. I'm in ap lit though, so I mean it's not like I'm not a master with words or something (I actually pride myself in my ability to write despite not thinking really) its just the delivery. Like when you talk to someone you like and just go stupid lol. Idk I'm probably just rambling out of exhaustion, today was a lot for me. But I'm glad I get to come home and talk to my favorite puppy ever!^^ how's your day been? -idk if I asked that earlier or not, I'm tired lol. Ik it's around 2 am for you at the moment, are you eepy? Lol

-ike<3

It's okay ! I know that I am . Less than punctual . at times, it would be rather strange for me to get upset over it when others do the same thing, I think. That sounds pretty eventful ! I've walked so much I did the same things to my shoes, as well !! Nobody belived me, until they actually saw the holes though. I think it's okay to feel like that, but in the end you should do what is best for you in the long run but ! I know it is not always as easy as that ! I was still holding onto hope with one of my ex's for a while after . everything went down so I think I can understand that ! (｡>\\<) aaa !! I think I would simply melt if it was that hot here /dram I think I saw a video once of someone talking about it was so cold they needed a scarf for the tempreture of our hot summers a couple years ago . I was shocked . We have a lot of different types of bugs that are all year round, but I don't think they are as big as some of the ones I've heard about over there which I am thankful for, bugs can really mess with me a lot sometimes ! Bugs where a pretty big fear of mine for a while, other than like . regukar ones, like spiders, flies, lady bugs and stuff, but I think I'm a lot better with all different kinds now !! Though, my Aunt was talking about something that happened with one of he bins and maggots and I got so . fhdghsj /neg about it, Lets just say I declined seeing any pictures for a start . I think there is a good mix around where I am, I don't think there is as much hate for differences here as there is in other places but there are definitely a lot of . use of slurs, or hateful language at times, if that makes sense but I feel like I also see a lot of queer people too, when I go places at least ! Earlier I went to a anime convention this year and there was a lot of people with pride flags, selling queer things and stuff so ! But I don't . really think I could come out propperly right now either, not as transmasc at least, but thats more of my family than where I live I guess . That was really nice of her !!! I'm happy she helped you out ! Do you have a favourite flavour of monster ? I don't get it all the time, but I usually get the white or the pink one when I do !! I tried a purple-ish one once that I really enjoyed, but I haven't been able to find it since because I don't really remember looks like (◞ ⸝⸝ ◟ ) I think so too . They can be really . difficult . a lot of them, from my classes when I was at school, were really not very nice. When Inwas there, I only really talked to people and my friends that I already knew. . . I didn't really get close with others, but we basically atopped talking when I left school a lot earlier than we were supposed too. I think I can be pretty bad at like . all of that stuff . I can be good at just, like, saying things sometimes, though I'm sure it's mostly nothing of value . and even then, sometimes I can be bad at that too !! I try my best though but I'm not a master at all, either ! I think ramballing is nice, so you don't need to worry ^–^ I hope today is not as overwhelming, but still as good ! or, even better !!! Has it been ? (⸝⸝๑﹏๑⸝⸝) ! I think my day was okay yesterday, it had it's ups amd downs ! Today was good though ! I was, I think I was already asleep at that time even though I tried my best not too . How has your day been ?

[jellyfishdoodler]

Three years ago yesterday, my friend took his own life and I still miss him almost every day. I hope he would like this little piece.

I also wrote something under the cut- mostly just kinda rambling about him but its more just for me.

Take care of yourselves out there and I beg of you, if you are struggling, please reach out to somebody. Because if you leave then you will be so dearly missed by more people than you know.

You are loved, you are cared for, you matter so somebody.

Take care 💛

I think about you a lot. 

But the things that come to mind are mostly about the video games you used to play with me.

You adored the giant mushrooms in minecraft. We explored far lands and deep caves together. You always killed the mobs for me because I was scared of dying even though we had Keep Inventory on. We would have long strip mining sessions and talk about how we were doing. Tell jokes and stories from our lives or just quietly enjoy each other's company. You always got so excited to see any of the in-game critters. You would have loved the cherry blossoms they added.

You always picked dark green in Among Us but always changed your hat for silly situations. Once you thought I was smart for going back and killing you while you were behind the Admin table, but I was just panicking. We laughed about it in the lobby after I lost. I tried looking for screenshots but I think they got lost. But we'd always run around the boxes while we waited.

You loved to wear the cute outfits in Animal Crossing. I gave you the pretty umbrella and it became your favorite item. We gathered on my island like it was a party to catch shooting stars and spin our umbrellas in unison in between the showers. I remember you lighting up like the sun when you got the New Horizons themed Switch for a really good price because it was in a small local game shop everyone overlooked. 

You enjoyed playing Grounded in early access. Telling me how decorating your base was your favorite part even though you couldn't sit in the little grassblade chairs. There's been a major update with story and more items added. It's also multiplayer now... 

I would give almost anything in the world to be able to play with you again, Gydeon.

I think about you a lot.

You were deeply protective and loved your friends with your whole chest every day. Even when it was damaging to you.

We would talk privately outside the server we met in. Saying how so many of them were in the wrong for so much of the drama they caused and that what they were doing was not okay. But they were our friends. We held each other's hands while walking on eggshells together. Trying to settle their emotions and each other's when we had nothing left to give. 

I still remember your bright laugh. I remember your sleepy mumbles not wanting to leave the group call when it got late in your timezone. I remember you being bored out of your mind while you waited in your dad's car. I remember you getting furious over the actions of someone and losing your cool. I remember you being so excited when you figured out and came out as Pansexual. You decorated all your avatars with Pan flag stickers and were so giddy to find out that part of yourself. I remember you joking about your depression. I remember you being down low and I remember how we would go online and play together to escape for a while.

I think about you a lot. 

Finger snapping has become a stim for me because you taught me that the sound comes from when your finger thumps against your palm. 

Whenever I need to feel brave I think about you standing up for what was right even though you got backlash for it. 

You had so much courage and pride but the thing you inspired in me most was to choose kindness above all else. No matter what. Its easy to be rude and angry and violent. It takes a strong spine and head to be able to let petty shit go and to choose to remain soft and gentle in spite of everything.

I think about you a lot. 

Its been 3 years and I still hold some guilt in my heart for what happened. I don't think it will ever go away and I almost don't want it to, but I've worked hard to make it bearable. Your memory still weighs heavily in my chest when I think about you, but it's more like a comfortable weighted blanket rather than an unrelenting mountain trying to swallow me whole.

You were an incredible young man and I'm one of the luckiest people in the world to say I was able to meet you. Even if the time spent with you was far, far too short. 

You were funny. You were smart. You were the kindest, sweetest person I have ever had the honor to get to know. 

You were one of my close friends and I miss you dearly, Gydeon. I love you, buddy.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

It’s been quite the week. Just In here to process real quick.

M got fired yesterday for the most bullshit reason. I can’t go into detail here because of possible legal stuff but my heart is broken for him. He was so happy when he was hired by this company and I was so fucking proud of him. He had moved up in rank/title In his field and his boss trusted him. He did really well building rapport with his employees and completing his tasks. For the first month it was great! Then in October things were a little rough, but he was still loving the job so it wasn’t even a big deal. By November, red flags were popping up all over the place and we didn’t understand why (still don’t!)

He gave so much to this job, sacrificed so much, worked so much OT and crazy hours with no sleep between shifts and answered calls all hours of the day, but he loved what he was doing.

It’s when he started setting boundaries in November that things changed. When they started taking advantage and putting off any pay raise discussions despite expanding his territory and taking over another role. He was doing the work of two people and patiently waiting for the Big Boss to come into town to discuss the raise.

Instead, he got written up at that mid-November meeting for a bullshit reason, given zero guidance on how to improve moving forward, and not given a chance to discuss pay. It rapidly went down hill after this.

Some other incidents happened beyond his control and he asked point blank what was going on. The shift in the relationship with his boss and HR was palpable and no one was telling him anything. Three days later, he was being threatened police intervention for something they never communicated and fired.

Somehow, they liked him enough to hire him, trusted him enough to expand his territory, and turned around and treated him like a fucking criminal.

When I tell you that yesterday was stressful, I have never been so worried. Was it an empty threat? Maybe? Probably? But not out of the realm of possibility for what ended up being a shady AF company. But something like this could have completely wrecked his ability to continue working in this field.

I’m just so shocked and disappointed with how all this went down. Days before his birthday, weeks before Christmas.

We are grateful to be living with friends at the moment, but my job isn’t enough to pay the bills. His job was and then a little extra. It gave me the opportunity to do What I’m doing now and I may have to close that door depending on what happens next.

I am booked into January and am hoping I won’t need to cancel my pet sits and walks.

I need to sit down tmrw and figure out where we stand financially. Because the social work field isn’t paying the bills either. It’s contract work and in some cases, it would have costed me MORE to work than to not work.

In this moment, im Feeling so defeated. We were both thriving and M got the rug ripped out from under his feet and I accidentally fell back into a passion I forgot I had with the hopes of becoming my own business instead of an app contract worker. I’m a superstitious person, so I’ll just say i had no doubts of being able to move into the next phase in 2024. But the reality is that right now, it doesn’t bring in enough income.

I’m at the point where I am specializing in high energy and anxious breeds where I wouldn’t be able to be gone a full work day and also be the pet sitter. And I’m not a stubborn mule who’s going to fall behind on bills to hang onto a dream.

It worked when M was being paid. This was supposed to be a long term job that he loved.

We saw it coming and were starting to prepare, but we didn’t think it would happen this fast. Not in a 3 day time span.

My body is tired. My brain is tired. I’m hustling hard and don’t have the time to pause and truly figure it out. I have 3 days off this month. Thankfully next week I just have a constant care day sit with a fairly easy anxious German Shepard and I think I should get some time to make a game plan.

I’m coming from a vey draining sit with a high energy husky (literally ended the sit and walked into the chaos of M being fired.) Today was back to back meet and greets between the legal stuff we’re figuring out. Tomorrow-Sunday I’m with four dogs, one of which is a puppy and then Monday I’m doing dog walks.

I love the pet hustle, don’t get me wrong and I’m so thankful I don’t have a gap in my own income, But I wish I had some time between these sits to just stop moving for a brief moment without giving up time I need to be sleeping.

However, we can’t see the future and never expected this to happen the way it did in the timing it did. Everything felt so solid and reliable.

Trying to rest in the reassurance that none of this is surprising to God and that there have been other things going on in the background that feel intentionally placed when we zoom out.

Anyway, I should get some sleep because I have an early morning with four adorable pups who love to cuddle and I will be soaking up all that love (between puppy training and potty breaks 😅) while I try to figure out where we go from here.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, your therapist red flag post made me send this ask.

I feel like I fundamentally fail at introducing myself to a therapist. When I was 17 I visited two therapists during the same month for one meeting and one kicked me out because she accused me of being healthy but lying and the other one called the psychiatry (though I said no) to pick me up.

I am now 21 and guess what. I am looking for a therapist again. And the first meeting in September told me "You are healthy, just a lack of vitamins" and the therapist two hours ago told me "You need to go to psychiatry immediately! You will not be able to do a therapy, you will never be able to do a therapy without visiting the psychiatry first."

I told her "No" I don't want to because as a young teen I was in psychiatry and I still have flashbacks from that. And I don't think I "won't be able to do therapy", I don't feel particularly bad and not even remotely as bad as back as a teen, when I really went to psychiatry.

But, I told both the same story (and during them I visited two other therapists who told me, they aren't the right person for me), how can they see so different things in it? Why do I apparently suck so much at telling a consistent story?

I know I seem more down when I visit a therapist for the first time, I hate meeting new people, and I live so remotely that it most times took me hours to get there. But I have like most average issues, depression, socialphobia and a bit of trauma. It's not rocket science.

Therefore it most be the way that I introduce myself, that sucks. How can I do better? I mean I tell everything revelant, it's not that. But maybe the way I explain it... I don't know. But I am desperate because in 9 months nobody wanted to treat me and there aren't indefinitely therapists in my area.

And do you maybe have resources how to treat myself because I am losing all hope ever finding a therapist...

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about your negative experiences with therapists. I think when you have experiences like this it can be easy to feel like there's something wrong with you, but please know that every therapist you mentioned was the one out of line.

You can be "healthy" and in therapy. I believe that everyone has something to work on in therapy. Even just having a professional to vent to can be helpful. I would imagine it's quite hard to tell if a client is healthy but lying just in a single session, and even so, confronting that client about it would depend on building rapport first. And even if someone truly lying about issues they don't have, it still indicates some underlying issue that could be explored in therapy. So perhaps this therapist was making some kind of excuse.

It's also worth emphasizing that therapists are not allowed to give direct suggestions or commands. One of the main goals of therapy is to develop self-reliance, so enabling a dependent relationship on the therapist (where the therapist tells them what to do, instead of getting them to think about what they should do) is counterintuitive. Therapists can also be held liable for making direct suggestions or giving advice as that may backfire. Part of your therapist's main focus should be on your autonomy as well. I'm curious what context led her to insist you should be admitted.

It sounds like you've experienced two extremes, one where a therapist insists you don't need therapy and another that insists you be admitted to a psych ward. I'm not your therapist so I don't feel right saying neither of them are right since I'm missing much context. But both of them seemingly had some kind of issue with their own relationship with their role as a therapist.

It's quite natural to have different conversations with different therapists, and that can depend on their own modalities, styles, experience, and approach. There's a well-known experiment done in the 60s where a client named Gloria agreed to have 3 different recorded 20min sessions with 3 different therapists, each one with unique modalities that they founded. Mostly due to the therapist's approach, Gloria talked about different things with each therapist.

All this to say, I know I'm missing some necessary context, but based on what you've shared, it sounds like these interactions had more to do with the therapists than you. I know that experiences like these can discourage you from continuing the search for the right therapist, but as someone who had to bounce around before finding the perfect fit, I can say it's incredibly rewarding to keep trying. But that being said, there's no rush. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right match.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[late-to-the-magnus-archives]

And Eat it, Too: Chapter Fourteen: Lonely

In which Jon gets closer to monsterdom, destroys the dark sun, and is nearly poached by Peter Lukas....

>>> NOW ON AO3!

Lonely-typical content. LOADS of psychological torment in this one.

The Lonely always felt like depression to me, and Jon lands in it head-first.

(Masterpost including playlist)

*

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Of course, if no one is here at this time of year, it’s unlikely he’ll find a working phone.

There is a sort of docking area. Maybe he can find a ship. Or flag one, or… something.

“So many other avatars get some sort of flight, or... fast travel ability, but do I get some?” he grouses to Book Michael. “No. I get to talk to people.” He pats the book in his shirt. “Still think I’m powerful?”

The book does not answer.

There are no lights in the research facility, unsurprisingly; Jon doubts they even left any of the bulbs intact—

Though he can hear generators, creating power. Even the People's Church of the Divine Host need heat.

But that means they’re here.

He pauses.

And hears the cock of a gun. “Nice and easy, there, pal. Raise your hands.”

American. Jon doesn’t know this voice, but knows this is Christopher Lorne’s younger brother, Ennis.

Jon raises his hands. The Beholding thrums through him, because Ennis has a story to tell.

Ennis also has a gun. Jon isn’t eager to be shot.

His captor speaks into a walkie-talkie. “You were right. He’s here.”

Manuela’s voice comes through, all static and bitterness. “Bring him. If he tries to talk to you, knock him out.”Jon preemptively winces. He’s not sure how long he can avoid asking questions.

Especially since he’s still feeling weirdly giddy, which definitely makes him unwise.

What the hell are you doing to me? He thinks at the Eye, and gets no answer.

And then they’re marching, faster than Jon likes, through landscape he can sense more than see, while Lorne is clearly utterly comfortable in the dark, and seems relieved when they step inside, away from the aurora, and into complete and artificial night.

#

But it’s not the Dark. Jon doesn’t give a fuck, after what he’s been through today.

He knows where they are, like heat vision, in the room—four utterly miserable humans, laced through with the Dark’s power, but ragged—not as ragged as he, but not that far off, either.

He wants to ask what happened so badly.

Needs to.

Isn’t going to be able to hold it back much longer.

Manuela is the one to approach him; he feels her, knows she is in a bad, bad place—a place beyond hope, which makes her completely without boundaries or reason. “So you’re the one who replaced Gertrude.”

“How did you—” He stops himself, and it hurts, like all his insides just jammed themselves in his throat.

“I was visited,” Manuela whispers with a sort of sour desperation. “We waited here, for so long, waiting for his word that never came… and finally, he speaks to us… just because of you.” Her bitterness is terrible, as if she blames Jon for her god’s apparent silence. “Mister Pitch wants you back, Jonathan Sims, and we’re going to give you to him.”

He should be afraid of that.

For some reason, he’s not.

“Maybe it’ll be enough,” someone whispers (Arnold McKirby, Jon’s brain supplies, English, a member of the Church for seven years, father to—)

“It won’t,” says Manuela. “It’ll be three hundred years until we can pull that much power again—but it’ll make me feel better.”

Lorne handcuffs Jon’s wrists behind his back—which seems very silly; his hands don’t do much—and, patting him down, finds the book.

“Don’t touch it,” says Manuela. “There’s weird power.”

“Then shouldn’t we… take it?” says another (John Ascot, English, formerly nightwatch at the museum of—)

“No,” says Manuela. “Could be a trap.”

They know better than to mess with potential Leitners, too.

She grabs his arm, presses her gun to his side, and begins walking him down the hall.

He wonders at his own calm. It wouldn’t be the first time he thought he’d run out of fear, but that isn’t it.

The stories here. The Eye wants what they know, through Jon’s eyes.

That need, that hunger, is eclipsing (see what he did there) everything else.

He tries, he struggles, he really doesn’t want to do this, but the question slips through, pops out, no more his choice than the beating of his heart. “Where are you taking me?”

Oh.

It came out… different.

He’s never compelled like this—smooth and natural, like exhaling, easy and gentle like a stream, power but so sweet and clear that for the very first time ever, no one in the room seems to realize what he’s done.

Manuela has gone still.

No one moves.

“I’m throwing you into the pits,” she says. “Into the brackish water, blessed with Its stillness.”

And now that it’s happening, he has to keep going, like he has to keep breathing (does he?). “What happened when your ritual failed?”

And suddenly, they’re all talking at once.

“We had hundreds of sacrifices prepared and ready, plunged into darkness and terror for days on end—”

“Maxwell was here, ready for our moment of triumph, to begin our seven-day feast—”

“Plunged its claws into his chest, freeing the darkness within him—”

Jon sways and gasps, inundated, trembling, drinking their memories like wine from their minds, and their words are clear and even and almost unfeeling, and their fear is new and old and laced with pain.

He drinks it, drinks it in, the tiny part of him that is horrified at himself unable to make a fuss.

And that’s how he learns how the ritual failed, about Hither Green’s congregation blowing up, about their arrogance in believing that Darkness is the only real thing, about their heartless sacrifices of innocents they’d gathered to fuel this rite.

He grows angry as he hears what McKirby did to his children, because the ritual was failing and they didn’t know why, because they’d tasted the incarnation of their god (and all admitted to the deep, draining fear that gripped them, even as they celebrated) and then panicked as Mister Pitch pulled away.

He is riveted to learn the dark sun is definitely still here, in another room. Waiting.

He needs to see it.

That’s mad. It is dangerous. It is something that should not exist. It could do such damage to him.

He has to see it.

And then they’re done, all four of them are done, and panting, and realizing what he did to them.

Jon feels dizzy with power, buzzing, strong. “Take me to your dark sun.” That tiny, horrified part of him demands, What are you DOING?

Manuela laughs, still gasping. “It’ll destroy you. Only Maxwell and I could ever even come near it.”

“What happened?” whispers McKirby. “How did he—”

“Fuck this guy,” says Lorne, and moves.

“No! He’s for the Dark!” snaps Manuela, and there is a tussle.

Jon can’t look. He feels the dark sun. He begins walking.

McKirby gets in his way.

It is a bad idea to get in Jon’s way.

“You fuck,” says McKirby. “How dare you bring that back to me, how dare you make me feel our worst failure—”

“That wasn’t your worst failure, though, was it?” says Jon in a voice he hardly knows, smooth and low and without a single imperfection. “Your children. You heard them scream, and you threw them in anyway. Maybe you should feel what they felt instead, staring at your face, believing to the last second that you would save them, and then you… did… not.”

And McKirby is screaming, McKirby is on the floor, and Jon sways on his feet, that little voice telling him he is doing something monstrous, that he needs to stop, that there’s no going back on this path.

“Stop it!” Ascot shouts. “We have to do this! Mister Pitch will feed!”

“I’m not going through that again!” shouts Lorne, and the gun goes off.

Jon is walking.

Vaguely, he’s aware he shattered what little stability they had left, aware he dragged them through the worst night of their lives and turned them on each other, but he doesn’t know how he did it, and it doesn’t matter.

He has to see the dark sun.

It is eager for him.

He arrives at the door he knows it’s behind, and pauses, because it’s sealed with a wheel lock like something on a submarine, and his hands are cuffed.

A childlike frustration rises in him; he needs to get in there. He needs to see.

So very verbal, he whines at the door.

Another gunshot goes off behind his back, then silence, and he feels Manuela approaching.

She is gasping. Laughing softly at nothing, dragging her foot. “Destroy everything, don’t you?” she breathes, shoving him aside and turning the lock. “Gertrude, now you. You’re worse than the Desolation.”

Jon isn’t in control of his tongue right now. “How does Mister Pitch talk to you?”

“Dreams. There’s no other way now, with Maxwell gone.”

The door is opening, creaky and terrible as if not opened for years. Something… pushes through, like radiation, warping the air, ringing in his ears.

“Have fun,” she says. “I hope it hurts.” And she limps away, and Jon knows she is thinking terrible things.

He needs to care about this. He needs to stop her. He—

Needs to see the dark sun.

His steps are unsteady as he walks inside, fighting himself, twitching with a war of desires, but then he sees it, and nothing else matters.

It’s like harmonics in the wind, mournful like old metal left to rust on a hill, and static is building, a frying in the air, and it is piercing and terrible and strong.

“It’s beautiful,” Jon whispers, nearly crying with it, overwhelmed, seeing a thing that cannot be seen and would not be seen if he were not who he was.

He feels it trying to unmake him, reaching for his eyes, his power.

Yet he sees.

“So beautiful,” he whispers, and the impossible sun of darkness and void begins to flake away.

Somewhere behind him, Manuela screams. He cannot turn.

Faster, it’s dying, this connection to darkness and fear turning to ash, and still, it tries to unmake him, and still, it fails, weakening power sliding along his skin and falling away.

Too soon, it is gone. Too soon, it is not there to see any more.

And suddenly, Jon is released.

He staggers, horror filling the emptiness in his gut, and feels she’s going to—

Jon turns and runs down the hall as fast as he can, trying to find that place inside him with power, trying to find that smooth and beautiful pull. “Stop! Stop!” It won’t be enough. Frantic, he tries something else. “Tell me about your parents!”

And Manuela, her gun pointed at one who was once her friend, stops—shaking with grief and resignation, she has to start talking.

She’s still talking as Jon slams into her, trying to knock her down, to stop her doing this, to do… something of any good at all.

His hands are bound, and he doesn’t land well.

Someone tries to stomp on his head, and he rolls.

There is another gunshot.

Jon curls around himself, crying out, suddenly aware how loud it is, how painful, unsure how the hell he didn’t even notice before—

Something punches into his side so hard that it winds him, and then whoever did that gets pulled away, and he tries to roll under a table for cover.

Half of him knows what’s happening (Lorne kicked him) and the other is in confusion, half-blind and dazed with overstimulation.

There is a horrible thump, a whistling exhale, and silence.

Only one person is still alive now—Manuela herself. She pants, holding the knife, and Jon knows she is not surprised that she had to murder her former catechists, her fellow failures of the Dark. It had to be. He isn’t sure why she put it off. She isn’t, either—but she is not surprised.

Manuela sinks to the floor, hands over her face, and sobs.

Jon tries to sit up. Without one’s hands, it’s quite difficult. “Are you… right, no, of course you’re not okay.” He hesitates. “After all the lives you ruined, you shouldn’t be, either. But I… I know it’s not that simple.”

The horror of what he’s done here today is still growing, and he has nowhere to put it, no boxes large enough. He tries to pretend it is not there. “Manuela?”

“Just go. I don’t care anymore. I don’t think it’d even… matter if I fed you to him. He’s abandoned us. He’s abandoned us. He’s abandoned us.” And she sobs.

Compassion wars with disgust.

Common sense raises a point. “Please let me go, Manuela.”

And he didn’t compel her, didn’t do anything but ask—yet she does, fishing out the key and undoing his handcuffs.

He rubs his wrists. Memory of that smooth and perfect power has already faded; he has no idea how he accessed it, where it is, what it cost. The Beholding, giving him a little treat because it wanted to see the sun. “What are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know.” She is small, seated, holding her legs.

“You don’t… you could turn it around. You don’t… have to stay here, to—”

“Don’t.” She’s disgusted. “Why would I want to do that? You think I have regrets about anything I’ve done?”

Well, there goes Jon’s empathy.

“No,” she says. “My only regret is we failed. Get out of here. Go. Before I change my mind and just shoot you in those stupid glowing eyes.”

Glowing eyes?

Jon blinks, looks down, tries to see if they’re lighting his cheeks, or something.

Not as far as he can tell. Maybe she’s seeing something that isn’t… literal.

Is it safe to leave her here? (He has no idea what he’d do if it isn’t.)

What he sees when he tries to know is a frightening thing: her faith in the Dark is shattered, and it doesn’t want her anymore.

He can see it, see the tendrils of lightless fear coming from nowhere and reaching in her direction but stopping just short—as if they find her distasteful.

She may cause some trouble down the road, but it won’t be through apocalypse.

Jon tries to think of something to say, anything—some wise thing, or comfort, or condemnation.

“Good luck,” is all he can think to do, and—feeling like an idiot—he makes his way back out.

#

He’s not sure where he’s going. The People's Church of the Divine Host took over this island, cut it off from communication. He’s not even sure how Manuela is going to leave.

If she leaves.

The docks make sense. There might be a way to communicate, or at least somewhere he can wait to be rescued.

Though it would be far too late to stop the Stranger.

The docks, he tells himself, trying to ignore the rising certainty that he just doomed the world to save a monster.

A monster he can’t even be sure is there.

“I’m an idiot,” he tells Book Michael.

There is no reply.

It is cold. He isn’t as protected as he was an hour ago, and he doesn’t know why.

Every step takes effort, breaking through the icy crust, into increasingly uncomfortable snow. His shoes and socks are soaked.

He swallows, fearing blackened frostbite, fearing scarred, healed feet without any toes left, because that’s how the damned Beholding would do it.

Things don’t grow back. They just scar.

He tries to hurry.

What’s the point? he thinks, and stops. There isn’t a ship there. There may not even be a way to call home.

And even if there were, what of it? Elias can’t travel instantly, like Michael. Salesa could have another toy, but he’s also in hiding.

Jon could try the book—but if he messes it up, he could destroy Michael, or doubly trap himself.

“And I don’t even know if you’d help me, do I?” he says, trying to be fair, trying to be honest with himself, because they had not parted on good terms and Michael is a monster.

The Distortion still wants revenge. Jon knows that. Well, leaving Jon here would do that, wouldn’t it?

Of course he’d leave you here. Everyone leaves.

Jon is puffing, trying to breathe around the enormous fist of pain in his chest.

Nobody NEEDS you.

No, they… they don’t, do they? They have the explosives, and…

All Jon does is show up on fire and expect everyone to put him out.

He wipes at his face, is a little frightened to discover his tears are freezing.

A very tiny, reasonable part of him points out that he just got out of the Dark, and he’s fragile, and his emotions are not trustworthy right now.

The rest of him grieves.

I bet they’d be relieved if you don’t show up again. If you just quietly went away—not even a body to dispose of.

He tries to take a step. Goes to his knees instead.

Safer without you there. All of them. Couldn’t even properly help Basira and Melanie and Daisy, and they asked.

Jon looks up. The dock is barely visible through the blinding snow, the wind having picked up—he hadn’t noticed.

He shakes his head. Something isn’t right.

The something not right is YOU.

No, he’s… not arguing that.

He thinks there might be a ship there. Possibly. There is a dark shape, and—

Mist, fog, something, is obscuring his vision. It’s wrapping the world, wrapping him in cotton, keeping him away from all the things he might break.

And what if there is a ship? You’ll go on board, make everyone there relive their worst trauma, then dream it all night long?

Oh.

That hurts.

His chest is heavy, physically heavy, despair winding its way through his fingers and into his mouth with sour realization.

Let them go.

Let them move on.

You can give them that much, can’t you?

“The Unknowing,” he breathes, and takes out the book to stare at it. “Don’t they need me for… for… something?”

The book doesn’t answer.

Why would they? They have Elias. Anything you can do, he can do far better.

That isn’t… is that right?

No one needs you.

Oh…

No one wants you.

Oh.

Let them all go and do the first unselfish thing in your whole waste of a life.

Jon curls down around himself, dropping the book, too heavy to rise.

He’s gripped. Cannot think. Ringing with this broad, empty pain.

It’s true. Even his grandmother—after his parents died, she… did her best, but… even as a child, he knew he was a burden.

It’s true.

“I should give you to Elias, but I don’t think I will,” says a familiar voice, and Jon remembers the man in Elias’ office (Peter Lukas, he’s a Lukas, that means the Lonely, that means…)

Means what? What does it matter? You can’t hurt anyone here.

That’s true.

Jon stays down.

“The way I see it,” murmurs Peter Lukas, who has not bothered to come closer because he does not hit with fists, “it doesn’t matter who you do the ritual for, if you’re marked deeply enough. You see what I mean?”

Tears, falling and freezing. Every beat of his heart hits him with pain, like some crazy gong. Alone is better for everyone.

“True enough. Don’t worry, Archivist… I’ll keep you plenty fed. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some preparations to make.”

And suddenly the prospect of being truly alone and isolated shocks Jon, and he gasps, and barely manages a whisper: “Don’t go.”

Lukas is gone.

Jon makes a high, drawn-out sound—

And then a man comes stumbling out of the fog as if he’s been thrown, and he has trauma, he has a story, and Jon is reaching for him without any plan to do so, and without any way to stop.

#

He is sick, afterward.

There is a pinch of clarity, granted by this thievery of fear from this poor man, Brian, who went to the Institute to talk about spiders and ended up being swallowed by the Lonely.

Which is where Jon is now. He knows.

Peter Lukas had been tracking him, though he does not know why, nor does he understand what the man was talking about.

Preparations? What ritual? Marked deeply enough? What?

It’s hidden from him, hidden by some massive, unassailable thing, blocking him from knowing what the hell is going on.

He feels awful for eating Brian’s fear. He didn’t try to. He was wounded, and it just happened.

And now Brian will be in his dreams every night, trapped in the Lonely when awake and stared at in silence when asleep.

I’m dangerous, he thinks, not fighting it now, because it’s true and he should say it. I can’t be trusted around anyone. No one is safe near me.

If he goes back, what will he take next? Whom will he assault?

Tim?

Daisy?

Martin?

So it’s better to be alone.

Jon cries, wishing he’d never gotten close to them at all.

The cold penetrates him gently, almost tenderly; it isn’t like the Dark, isn’t cruel and punishing, but it is deeper, a weight of numb sorrow that threatens to drag him down.

If he goes down, he won’t feel things anymore.

He knows this. That’s what it wants—a dubious blessing, but maybe the only one he deserves for what he’s done and will do.

How am I any better than any of them? he thinks, and knows he’s not.

The Lonely feels like depression, comes next. And it’s related to the Dark, after that.

And that is important, because… because…

Something. Just out of reach.

His mind goes silent for a while.

Breeze picks up, cold and stone-scented; this is a place that feels like it’s never known warm blood apart from his.

Vaguely, he is aware that there is no snow beneath him now. It’s dead grass, old soil, and nothing. Nothing. This is the Lonely—its own separate reality. No one can find him now.

And that’s good.

Isn’t it?

Jon exhales, rubs his face. Tries to think.

Fog fills the world, inside and out. Everything is vague, but he understands one thing. All those… horrible, hurtful things… maybe they are true. They landed because on some level, Jon believes them. And it hurts.

But if he stays here, Lukas is going to do some sort of ritual with him.

Jon can’t imagine what; Lukas��� last one failed.

Spectacularly.

Thanks to Gertrude.

Really, who could’ve imagined a well-placed tip to a newspaper would undo Lukas’ incredible, stuffed-full apartment block of lonely, isolated people, unwillingly worshiping Lukas’s god?

And then Gertrude’s tip engendered all kinds of attention, and community outreach, and Lukas’ ritual died in newsprint and pity.

It’s funny, if Jon lets himself feel it.

So Lukas wants to do some new ritual, and Jon is part of it.

He frowns.

It is true that no one may miss him; it is true that he may have been nothing but a burden to everyone, all his life. (His grandmother’s weary face slides past, but he tries not to think about that. Tries.)

That doesn’t mean he actually wants to hurt anyone.

Jon feels alone, unworthy of love, isolated for the best, horrifyingly unhappy.

But he still cares.

“So I’m selfish,” Jon says, agreeing with the wicked little thoughts. “At least I know I am.”

It’s so odd, how just… facing these thoughts takes away some of their power. He still feels awful, numb, but no longer paralyzed.

He will not stay here and be used. If he’s going to become a weird Eye Hermit, he’s going to do it on his own damn terms.

He exhales slowly, and looks.

The Lonely is powerful; small, creepy shapes from the graves the Lukases have dug here for generations are visible, and not much else.

Jon looks harder.

And sees a way out.

Jon takes the book and walks, clinging to it like a teddy bear.

Every step costs him. Every single one is a new choice to push against the desire to just lie down, stay here, be forever alone.

“It’s funny,” Jon tells Book Michael. “If he hadn’t said something about a ritual, he’d have had me. He mostly still does, to be honest. But I… wouldn’t see any reason to fight. Funny, right?”

Book Michael does not reply.

And suddenly, Jon is in snow again, and he’s free.

It’s so anticlimactic. He’s just out.

And… exhausted.

Even with all the statements he’s taken today (literally taken and that feels so horrid), it took all his strength to walk out of the Lonely’s domain.

Jon is gasping. He falls to his knees.

Soaked.

And very, very, cold.

Breathing hurts. How much power does it take to disintegrate a fake sun and then walk out of the Lonely? he thinks, hysterical. More than I have!

He tries to rise, cannot. Falls onto his knees in the snow.

Too cold.

Too… stiff.

Weak.

He’s not going to make it to the dock or anywhere else.

Panic makes him try, scramble, stumble—

And somehow, he trips on Michael’s book.

He’d dropped it, somehow, and now he’s torn it, the cover half off, pages ripped, and he falls beside it onto his knees and sobs, because it’s for sure over now, because he’s destroyed Michael now, because he damns everything and everyone he touches, and if he had gone to Wales with a cat and some cows, they’d all be dead because of him—

“Oh, Archivist,” comes softly in his ear, and long arms lift him from the snow, fingers sharp and irritating, and long, spiraling hair falls into his face, ticklish and annoying, and Michael holds him close, real and living, and Jon cannot parse this fact in his current mental state.

The Distortion shudders, because it would, because whatever is happening in Jon’s head, true or false, it is twisted. “Delicious,” it whispers, “but I think that will do. You need a door—even if you don’t think you deserve it.”

And it carries him through, and the rush of reality and warmth and people so many people in the WORLD and the wildness of the Corridors and surreality of up and down is too much, and Jon gratefully, eagerly, passes right the fuck out.

part fifteen

[caniaskyouabouttoday]

I Am Heavy, But He’s My Brother

“Is that how would describe your job, Cliff, carrying his load?”

“Yeah, that’s about right.”

Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood is a special movie to me for a lot of reasons but what I love so deeply and sincerely about this movie is the way it portrays friendship between men with such an authentic, heartfelt earnestness.

I have been blessed and cursed with a lot of things in my life but one of the biggest blessings of my life has been deep and meaningful friendships with the men who I choose as my brothers. I say choose as brothers because my brother by blood destroyed my family and broke my heart. That was almost four years ago and things have never been the same. It wasn’t too long after this film came out but the tracks were certainly being laid down.

This vague double entendre joke is made by an interviewer at the expense of one Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt) because he finds nothing about his friendship, loyalty, or even second banana status behind waning television star Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio) uncomfortable or humiliating. He’s proud to be his friend and has a stoic’s embrace of his role.

Dalton for his part is an insecure alcoholic wreck who desperately relies on Cliff, not just for rides but affirmation, confidence, and love. Even when his flagging career takes him to Italy to make “Eye-Italian” westerns and he finds a wife; he relies on Cliff’s love to a very real and serious extent.

It’s a testament to Tarantino’s skill as a director that he was able to get these two megastars to completely bury their egos and be so giving and vulnerable to each other to tell the story of their lives. They feel like very real people, with very real problems that I would like to have a margarita with…even though there is a chance Cliff mayyyy have killed his nagging wife. I love who these two are for each other. As men we have a responsibility to our friends to care this much.

I have a friendship; and I hope that is never past tense that was this kind of brotherhood. There are elements of both Rick and Cliff to us respectively even if we may not look like these two. 17 years ago I met a man I could not love any more and I still do; and I think if I weren’t comfortably heterosexual I could never say that because I simply do not feel love like that in my romantic relationships.

We were a country mouse and city mouse, we had different socioeconomic and family situations, we were opposites on paper and completely the same in our hearts. Bonded over our obsessive lifelong love of professional wrestling, our off kilter senses of humor, and the decency, kindness, and respect we showed each other. It’s the only friendship of my life where I had never had a fight or disagreement. I’m not easy to get along with, and I’m completely estranged from my biological brother. I’ve had some friendships that long wither and crumble under the pressure of the years. But not this one, he’s a married family man but I know outside of his family and his mother and sister nobody could love him more than I do.

I’ve been through a real rough patch of the last four years. A lot of my woes self inflicted, some external. I’ve been out of work for months for the second time in three years. I’m hurting. Financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

I had an opportunity to go to an event I would have loved to have had him go to with me. It could have been something we never forgot. There was an opportunity that would let me go but not him, and I took it. I thought I could find a way to get a sign with his name on television and let him know he was there with me in my heart.

It hurt him badly; and I apologized. And I meant it. I am not sorry for going. I need to live my life forward. But hurting him hurt me, I am sorry for that. So deeply, so sincerely. If there was any way to physically include him I would have and he has to know that. I said I’m sorry and plead my case.

Since then there has been almost two weeks of radio silence between us. I am not going to add, I am not going to prod. If he wants to forgive me for how he feels I wronged him he will need to find that but damn it hurts. It hurts a lot. I love him and miss him and I can’t do this all by myself. I need my brother to carry the load, and when the shoe is on the other foot I will too. I have before and will again.

This movie presents an alternate history where the good times of a golden era continue to roll instead of ending in tragedy and heartbreak. The 2020s have been a brutal, cruel decade. A completely miserable time of plague and famine in every sense.

I turn 38 in 8 days, and frankly, all I want to do is get silly drunk and laugh my ass off and share a hug with the man I love as much as I ever could love another person. He won’t be able to see this post, but I hope he feels it’s in the universe and knows how I feel.

“When you come to the end of the line with a buddy who is more than a brother and less than a wife, getting blind drunk together is the only way to say farewell.”

Unlike the bittersweet ending of Rick and Cliff’s beautiful friendship, I pray this is not farewell after all these years.

[pbandjesse]

I am very comfortable in my hammock right now. I hope that can continue and I can fall asleep easy tonight. Today is actually a pretty good day. I really felt like it was a solid day at camp where nothing really went wrong and it felt normal again. That was really nice.

I slept okay last night. I'm really glad I went home. I needed it. And when I woke up this morning my face felt very puffy. Which happens in the AC sometimes. But James was leaving early for some reason and I wanted to get up and give them a big hug before they left. They would leave while I was getting ready after saying goodbye and I took a few minutes to get myself together. And I said goodbye to sweet pea who seemed very distraught that I was leaving. And then I went to the car. I took a few minutes to sort myself out and while I was doing that I found that James had put a little gift in my backpack! They got me a new ring. It's a pinky ring and it's a spinning smileyface and once I have to smile on one side it's a frown. And it's so cute. I am a little worried because it fits me when my hands are swollen but it's a little loose one they're not so we'll see how that works out but it's very fun. Definitely not an everyday ring but I do like it a lot.

And the drive to Camp was fine. No traffic or anything. I got here right at 8:00. And everyone was down at flag or what is kind of flag now. Everything's weird about that but it's fine. I would get to work putting things away and setting things up but then we got a message in the group chat that I felt like was me getting in trouble when really apparently everybody thought it was them and I was just being paranoid but it kind of put me in a weird mood so I went for a walk and ended up running into Celia.

She went to a Fall out boy concert last night And I wanted to hear all about it but she said that while it was super super fun and she had a blast when she has a good time at concerts it's like she remembers getting to the venue and then blacking out and waking up hours later sweaty and hot in her car holding a new hat. And I thought that was hilarious. But we walked around and talked and I went to the nature lodge with her but soon I would have to go back to the art building to do my job. So I went back up here and got things ready.

I walked past the homestead animals and that's what I noticed that one of the chickens was outside of the enclosure! And so I started following her because I was like oh I should pick her up and put her back in but she wouldn't sit still long enough and so I tried calling Ty but then his phone was broken and so I didn't know what to do so I called CJ. And as CJ was running over to help me Annabelle came up and the three of us were able to corner her so I pick her up. And we got her back into her enclosure and kind of figured out what hole we think she made her way out of but she did not want to be out there. I'm glad she was okay. Tyler would come down not long after that. I walked up with Annabelle and shared with her a few more projects that I thought that she might enjoy teaching them and then I actually went to the art building. Closer to 9:45 than I would have liked but it's fine.

I had Tatiana count how many spoons we had left. And we really only had enough for today. I did not buy enough spoons. I really needed like 40 more. Which is a lot of spoons. I will try my best not to make this mistake again if we do this project next year. Which we might because it was very popular. But Tatiana says it's my fault because I kept letting people do two things but we didn't have enough spoons to start with. I really should have stopped letting people use two things in general when Joe gave us more wood. But I struggle with saying no because I want everyone to make art and have a good time. So I ended up taking 20 of the spoons and hiding them so that tomorrow we can have something. Even if it's not enough. I'm going to do my best to make what we have tomorrow work.

And the groups were great today. Woodlands was late. Not surprising. But when they came they did such a good job but they made me laugh so hard that I was literally crying. So what happened was there are two counselors. Jorge who I love and is wonderful. And a new counselor named Billy. He's also an international and he's very sweet. And the boys obviously adore both of them but the way that they show how much they adore them is that all they want to do is make art about them. And so half of the boys decided they were going to make Billy and the other half were going to make Jorge and then they would compare of who had the best ones. And I thought that was hilarious and I encouraged it so much. And at first it was great. I was outside helping Jorge paint his little walrus sculpture he had made and then The boys were showing me the very simple faces that they gave the spoons but they had Jorge's facial hair and eyebrows on it and I kept going oh my God the resemblance is uncanny. And just being very dead serious about it. And everything was going great. Until someone decided they needed to add arms to their Billy puppet.

And the arms were fine. They gave them muscles and it was very silly. And then they decided to give them legs. Turns out you cannot give spoon puppets legs because it just makes them look like they have penises and so I said that looked obscene you have to take those legs off and they're like no we like the legs and I said please remove the legs it looks so bad. And then they were like no and I said okay well can we put shorts on it. So they make a little pair of shorts but then it just looks like he has shorts on with his penis sticking out so I said okay we need to remove the spoon handle and so he broke it but then it just looked like a proportional penis and I was like no it's worse now so I tried to take the shorts off that they made but then that just left felt fuzz behind which made it look more realistic and I'm literally crying with tears laughing. It was so silly and I finally was able to make shorts in the front and back to cover up the Billy puppets penis. Because it was so horrific looking and I knew that I could not let that leave this building without at least telling their senior staff because I can't make people think that we did this on purpose It just happened to look that way. And first I forgot who was in charge of woodlands and I called Kieran and then he was like wait no I'm in not in charge and I was like okay and then called Tony and Tony ended up coming up and it was so funny and ridiculous. But I just can't believe how hard I was laughing cuz it was so silly.

Once they left though the pioneer boys came and they did a great job and it was totally fine. And then it was lunch time. And lunch there was so much better today because not only do they have pasta they had a meat sauce and a vegetable sauce and I was so happy and it was spicy and it was really nice. I had two pieces of garlic bread and I sat outside and it was really good.

And after talking with friends for a while I headed back to sit in my hammock for a little while and just cool off and be sleepy. Because I was very sleepy. I was really in a good mood though and so far the day I've been really great. And honestly it continued to be that way. The kids in the afternoon were lovely and so many of them really enjoyed the project and that was really encouraging. The counselors were mostly really great. And I got some knitting done and I had some laughs with the kids It was a really good day.

When the stockade boys came they weren't as interested in the middle casting as they were in the pendants which is fine. Not everybody's going to be into everything and I'm really glad that they like the metal snapping. I will for sure have to get more metal discs so I'll try to send that to Elizabeth soon so that I can have that next week as well. I also would like to come up with one or two more simple metal projects but I'm not entirely sure what I want to do yet because one of my ideas was something like riveting but not positive that we would be able to safely do that. So we'll see what I can think of. But the stockade boys were fun and we had a good time and then we had our last group of the day.

And honestly it won't really fast the whole day did. It was a good day and I felt really happy. Tatiana was a lot of fun and she made a really fun SpongeBob square thing. She's very good at stuff and I don't know she realizes how quick she is to pick up on things because she's a smart cookie. And I'm going to miss her. Because tomorrow is going probably be my last day with her unless there's a spot that opens up on the YLP roster next week. Sometimes they don't make it through the first week so we'll see.

I left her because I found a missing water bottle and I ran after the last group to give it to them. And the little girl said that she was so glad I did because it was her favorite and she would have been so sad. And so I continued on and I went to change into my bathing suit. I really wasn't planning on swimming. It wasn't really hot up here today at all but on the walk to the pool house where I had just planned on taking a shower there's one section of road that just gets so hot that I was like you know what I am going to get in the pool. But then I only did a couple laps after sitting in the code for 10 minutes. I'm trying to practice some of the arms swimming that they're going to want for The Camp award. Because I still think it would be funny to do that if I get pregnant next year. But I'm not a very strong swimmer. Like I swim fine but not on the surface. I swim really well under the water. So we'll have to see what I can do with that. So my little daily or some ideally swims will hopefully build up some strength.

I talked to the little girls getting ready for pool canoes. They were being naughty and not listening about getting into the water without a lifeguard. Just because I'm doing it doesn't mean you can. And then as they got the boats in the water I got out.

Tyler was there talking to some of the other counselors and he told me that because his phone is broken he's not positive how he's going to use GPS to get home tomorrow which I am now worried about too!! I don't have any way to help the situation but I really hope that he can figure it out because that would make me very scared too That's a very long drive! It's like 2 hours for him.

I would take a shower though and I was fine but the water was way too hot. And I couldn't get it to change from one temperature. So I just took the best shower I could and got dressed. I used the new leaving conditioner I got which smelled very nice and then I texted CJ that I was coming back to arts and crafts because she had wanted to talk to me.

And she would come soon and we would sit and talk and Tony would join us for a few minutes but then he left and me and CJ made her a stamped medal piece. And that was fun and then we headed to dinner where I helped put cups on every single table. 8 cups on 30 tables. I had to count out all of the eight and make stacks and that made it a lot easier for me but man it took a while.

And dinner was fine. It was like barbecue chicken and the vegetarian option was like quinoa which I don't love but it was fine. I really like the cornbread. I wasn't actually that hungry so I didn't care that much and I still had the goza and falafel ball that I brought from home as a just in case food. Which I actually still have which I can eat I guess tomorrow even though it's been sitting on my desk all day. Not the best food safe practices.

After dinner I went to the office so I could sit and wait for the snowball truck to come. I read my book for a little while which is very good. It's about a little girl on the Titanic which is wild. So far so good hopefully she doesn't die at the end. And then I headed outside to sit on the porch once I got bored with the air conditioner and Alexi and Elizabeth were eating dinner out there and I was talking to them about the Native American program a couple other things and then we heard the truck drive up and I was like yes! And Elizabeth was like wait a second have you been sitting here the whole time waiting for that that it's hilarious. And I said yes I have I want to be the first one there and I didn't want to bum rush the guy so I just sat weed for a second but then CJ beat me to it! So I ran down to be second and then CJ got hers and I tried a new flavor. It's not new to the truck but it's new to me it's called tigers blood. And it's strawberry and coconut. I wish it was a little tangier but it was nice. I still like pina colada better. Still good and maybe next week I'll try a new flavor. Switch it up a little. Apparently he also has fancy flavors in the back like Mai Tai and lavender iced tea.

I went back up to arts and crafts where I had potato chips that were spicy and we're very nice with my snowball. And I sat and read my book. Eventually a counselor came up to ask if I could fix his pants that he ripped and I said of course. And I would eventually get into my hammock and just chill for a while. When I did finally get up I found that CJ was sitting quietly in the art building by herself. She looks a little pale and she said that she had taken probably too much ADHD medication and I was like well that's not good. And we walked to the nurse's office to use the bathroom together. Where we passed the nurse and she asked if we were okay and I said CJ says she's dying. And she's like no I didn't! I said okay. And after we use the bathroom we came back up to the art building where we talked for a while but CJ didn't seem like she was feeling great and so while I was sitting there fixing the pants she said she wanted to actually see the nurse and I was like okay let's walk together so I walked with her down to the nurse's office where she decided she was going to lay on the gravel while we waited. And she keeps saying she's okay but she was a little pale and she worried me and I think that made my stomach hurt. So once the nurse got her and everything seemed okay I came back up to arts and crafts.

I finished fixing the pants and then I realized her backpack was up here so I texted her I was bringing it down and I walked back across the field. Where I found a frog! And I held towed for a while and he was not thrilled but I was excited to hold a toad. And I passed off her backpack and then I came back up here where I decided to brush my teeth and start getting ready to lay down.

And I've been laying here for a while now. I did sweep the building a little bit and I picked my outfit for tomorrow. Put a couple things in my bag that I'm taking home with me. And now I am just cozy and rocking myself and my hammock gently. It's not squeaking which is nice. Hate when it squeaks. But now it is time for rest. I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day. I'm going to stay to help with pick up again down by the bears but I don't think I'll stay for the ceremony. Because this is actually going to happen this time! We didn't get a first ceremony because of the rain. But it's supposed to actually go on and I have to make sure everyone parks at the right place. Fingers crossed!

I hope you guys all have a great night tonight. I hope that you are very cozy wherever you are and you're taking care of yourself. Until next time. I love you all.

[lightleelandslost]

Just anxious and wanting to put this out there

Hey, I don't post here ever. Though I probably should, I feel like it would help me be my authentic self. Anyways I am kind of in crisis mode. This is long but, I need to put it somewhere.

So recently I've triumphed in my Insta account, successfully removing homophobic family and friends so that I could have a social space that felt like mine. I've finally been posting what I want to post, without really worrying about who would see it and how they would react. I've also joined LGBTQ+ friendship groups and have slowly building up the confidence to comment and post occasionally.

I was comfortable, I felt safe and so when a random friendship request came in that didn't immediately raise red flags, I accepted. We talked for a couple days and though a couple things stand out now, they didn't in the moment. We had some things in common and she was easy to talk to. When she sent private photos, I reciprocated even though I wasn't quite ready at that point. But I was lonely and uncomfortable with my body, but the fact that someone wanted to see me made me happy.

Now she threatens to expose them unless I send money.

I, of course, immediately blocked and reported that account and then spiraled into a storm of anxiety that makes me want to delete social media altogether. I think (hope) that they are empty threats. She says she'll send them to my boss and my family and days later nothing has happened. Today she stared a random group chat (under a different account) with strangers (???) and claimed she was going to send them with threats to add more people after she'd already sent them. I've blocked and reported this account as well (which again is passable as a real account at first glance). I took screenshots of those threats, just in case I need them in the future. Insta has not reported any change in their account status, but i'm not expecting much help from them.

I spent 20 minutes searching in a panic trying to find advice for what to do in this situation. Trying to find reddit threads, insta advice, anything advising what to do in this situation until i finally found this very basic advice.

I knew that paying them wouldn't help at all (a. I'm poor, there's nothing in these pockets, b. they'd probably just ask for more down the line) also they never sent demands, just threats and devil emojis. I figure that if this person was going to do anything they would've done something more meaningful by now. So that leaves me to play whack-a-mole and how much anxiety till my heart gives out until they finally give up. If they do send them out I will explain myself, it will be uncomfortable but if they're actually decent people/friends they will be understanding and hopefully supportive.

I do not wish this sort of thing upon my worst enemy. I can't put into words how fast my heart rate and anxiety rise when an insta notification comes through my phone. I hope that this is over soon so that I can build myself up again to where I was before.

I was vulnerable, lonely, looking for a friend, and trying to fit in. I am trying to be kind to myself in this situation but it is hard. I want so badly to shut myself completely out and never try this sort of thing again but I know that this stuff would find its way through anyways and how social media can help connect people with true friends and family. In the future I will be more vigilant and cautious. In the same breath I hope that I am able to be vulnerable again, I have trouble with this, and learn that setting boundaries is okay.

I'm sharing this to A. put everything into words and talk myself through everything that's going on (therapist's on leave, nobody else to talk to) and B. to let others that have gone through the same situation know that they are not alone, this stuff happens sometimes.

All the love

[ina-nis]

Hmm, I think another thing that stings about platonic love, at least regarding queerness, is how (I feel) it's put on this very important, virtuous spot as such wonderful alternative to other kinds of love. It's true, I get and yet...

I see that so much in "queer" stories, where the characters will remain on that really close relationship indefinitely, without any changes. It often happens because of censorship - it's great to make subtextual gay stories, it's terrible to actually make the characters gay.

Platonic love fills that niche and it's a little infuriating to me. It's trendy to be queer, as long as you keep it as sanitized as possible.

No, you're not allowed romance, you're not allowed to have sexual desire either. Your queerness has to remain virginal.

This is one of the reason why I've been feeling so hurt by it lately, too.

I said many, many times already...: the way I love and the things I want are not wrong.

Is this me digging on my heels, saying that I hate platonic love and that it's something "bad" and "sanitized"?

My resentment is not because platonic love exists and is represented at all - it is important to me too, and I'm thankful it's a type of love I experience in my life.

The heartache comes from not being able to express or experience other types of love.

The heartache comes from having every single attempt to connect romantically shut down because platonic love is just a better fit for the other person.

Well, yeah of course I'll keep on dealing with this problem when I keep on going for my friends and peers instead of using dating apps and doing things that are more successful gateways for romantic relationships.

But I can't do romance without skipping any steps.

Platonic love is definitely part of the journey for me. Romance is the destination.

This is why I can't quite "enjoy" the adventure - I'm on my own any way, and I'll be constantly reminded of that. It really hurts - so yes, I have to hold onto that "final goal" after all. That's what I want, and what I need. That's what will fulfill my heart.

Platonic love is not synonymous with unrequited love or heartbreak, but it does feel that way more often than not for me.

You see people who talk about "friendzone" being demonized and teared apart because "no one owes you anything," and "you're an awful friend," and "you can't stay friends after a rejection? This is such a red flag!" and "how come you only approach your friends with ulterior motives?"

There's such massive irony in these statements...

It's easy to judge when it's not you experiencing it.

Get rejected enough and you might start growing resentment towards anyone. Rejection can be traumatizing.

It can be hard to reject someone.

It's almost always really hard to be rejected.

Many friendships cannot survive it and, believe me, the person falling in love oftentimes wish they could just have a normal friendship, regular platonic relationships, without getting romance in the way.

You can't really control how you feel, only how you react to those feelings.

Whether you choose to act on or remain silent, the relationship is already condemned the moment you fall in love.

Can you be strong to keep on going? Will you be able to bury those feelings?

I don't know about others but once I love someone romantically, if we stay close, those feelings will probably not change into something platonic anymore so... I can only hope for a complete break eventually, or that I will find someone else, or that the person will find someone themselves and that will be the end of my hope (so I literally have to distance myself because I'll not be able to stand seeing them being with someone after they rejected me).

It's painful to have such conflicting feelings.