#i just need help and support for a goal i cant realistically reach alone ����

[autisticlee]

I have so many characteristics that make me feel like dating would be absolutely impossible to do and navigate, because they're such undesirable things that no one wants. i

if someone DOES want/are ok with them, there's so few of those people that they either already found someone, or they're out of my reach/we'll never meet. and that's if THEY match what I want as well, which then makes that pool even smaller.

i'm autistic. i'm asexual/aromantic. i'm trans/nonbinary. all things that make dating extraordinarily difficult to begin with.

i'm also not smart, rich, socially acceptable, or conventionally useful. i'm not physically attractive/don't match societal standards. i'm not likable to most people and can't even make or keep friends. my interests are very weird and niche, and it's hard to find people who share them.

if I can't figure out how to make and keep friends, how am I ever supposed to date? that's many levels ahead of where I am, almost end game. i'm at level 0. the tutorial level. except my tutorial glitched out before I even started and won't work. so I can't advance.

yes, I have good characteristics that people would be lucky to have (like loyalty, willingness to communicate, honesty, going out of my way to be there for people I care about, etc) but those things don't overshadow the ones above. first impressions kill me. my most noticeable traits kill me again. I can't lie or mask. no one gets to the smaller "good" traits or they simply aren't ever enough.

this is why I never tried to date and never even thought about it until now. I gave up before even starting because I knew it would be a dead end, a waste of time and energy.

i'm going to complain further under here, despite already making like 10 posts about the exact same bullshit:

"until now." so, I need someone who lives in canada to date me so I can move there from US and be with the only supportive people I have in my life lmao. my closest friends, my found family, who meet my needs, respect my boundaries, go out of their way to help me, and reciprocate everything mutually and equally. they actually want me in their lives. it's not one-sided, for the first time in my life. I don't question their motives or loyalties like every other friend I had in my life. it's genuine and real and they've stuck with me for like idk 5 years now? meeting irl (which usually ends my friendships for some reason...I guess people don't like me after meeting me outside of my internet persona?) it was solidified even more that we are the found family i've been wanting and needing my whole life. why do they have to be in a different country that has an extremely strict policy for being allowed to move there?!

so back to the dating thing a big problem is that I have too many barriers that I can't hide that make people uninterested or dislike me. I also can't control other people. people are unreliable and difficult as hell.

throw on top wanting to date someone specifically to move countries and they might question MY loyalties and think i'm only using them. when actually, I genuinely also want someone who can be part of our found family and be my life partner.

unfortunately, I know it will probably never happen, since it's not even about "trying" or "not giving up." I literally don't know how to try to find someone. like where to look?? social medias are collapsing and I get ignored everywhere. dating apps are for more hookups, polys, cheaters, and bots/catfish than real partnerships. I have no clue how to make people like me because who i am hasnt done me any favors ever in my life. waiting around for someone to come to me first just wastes my time! plus i'm picky as hell and can't accept just anyone.

people keep telling me "keep waiting you'll find The One! don't give up! I was in a similar position and i found someone!" that doesn't help me. it doesn't give me hope or whatever. I prefer actual helpful things like "I'll help you get there!" if you want to "help." I prefer to look at things realistically and live in the moment. not a future I can't see. and in this moment i'm stuck in a shitty anti-lgbt state with unsupportive and unaccepting family who don't treat me very well and no irl friends i can trust and rely on. no one can say that will for certain change in the future. things don't always magically change for the better and if you aren't prepared for that, you'll always be stuck in one place, waiting. i'm not being negative. it's more dynamic than that. it's more "I need an alternative in case this truly is a dead end." i'm simply not getting my hopes up for disappointment and fooling myself into believing that doing nothing and waiting will help, while life passes me by.

but I also can't do anything. because I don't know how/what to do

and by can't do anything I don't mean in life in general. I mean about getting out of my parents house so I can be free from them and fond a safe and comfortable place. I can't afford it alone obviously. I unfortunately need other people on my life, as much as i wish i could be a lone gremlin human and never need others. and that's the part I have no clue how to do. if the only humans who want me aren't attainable, then what? i've tried for over a decade and only had failures because people are unreliable and turn on me without warning, after i'm the only one who puts effort into trying to help us escape our situations. i'm TIRED. I can't keep trying to do everything alone and end up hurt and betrayed by fake friends. i'm so tired.

(if anyone reads this, don't try to comfort me because it won't work. if you relate, you can share that because that's fine. if you want to help me by being a candian who can sponsor me to move there then that's even more acceptable 🤣 if you find you cant stand me after im permanently there, i'll appreciate your help and let you go lmao)

[mollydollyjournals]

Today is going to be difficult...not for any particular reason, nothing has happened. I just have that feeling like I'm at the beginning of a spiral, and I'm not quite sure what to do. I definitely can drink today. A good plan of reduction might be to drink twice a week for 2 weeks, then once a week for 2 weeks, then try to go for 10-14 days. But I always feel like I've failed every time I have to do this.

I decide to go as long as I can without drinking, because I want to do something but I'm not sure what. I decide not to set a concrete goal because I dont know what's realistic, and I dont want to fail. I dont want to have to say that I've failed, even here, and I dont want to have to admit it to myself. So I say I'll just go as long as I can and only drink when I feel really bad either physically or mentally. But then when I reach that limit I feel like I should still be going and that I've failed if I dont.

It's really hard to tell what's true and what's excuses. I feel like everything is an excuse, because I was always told that whenever I wasnt able to do something growing up. I find it so hard to figure out when I can trust myself and when to let myself off. I have that same feeling like a kid about to be in trouble for not doing their homework.

If i knew myself as a kid now, I'd tell them it's okay if you didnt do your homework because you had an anxiety attack, or you didn't understand the questions, or your parents were fighting and the neighbours called the cops. Even if you genuinely forgot - maybe if you're having trouble remembering and organising so often we should get you assessed for ADHD and see if there's a way to manage that.

But I didn't get that growing up...I got yelled at and punished and still had to watch my little brother while my parents and the cops did whatever. Even the nicest and most helpful adult in my life, the therapist I had in my late teens, implied that I would maybe not do these things as a cry for help. I mean sure it was a cry for help in a way? But not a conscious decision. I was genuinely anxious, genuinely confused, genuinely forgot. She was nice about it but still implied that I could do it if I wanted to.

I still carry that same feeling now, that whether its said to me nicely or yelled in my face, I should just try harder. Everyone else can do it so why cant I? Everyone else goes to after school activities then does hours of homework then has dinner with their family and sleeps 8hrs a night and goes to school on time every day and never gets anything lower than an A. Everyone else survives every day without alcohol and reassurance.

And then I dont really know what to do because I feel like if I cant meet that expectation of normalcy/perfection/whatever it is, then i might as well do what i want to in the moment. And then I lose reasoning.

I grew up with such shit adult influences and this whole thing now is just me trying to reparent and reteach myself. I'm trying to push myself appropriately and look after myself appropriately. But I dont know what "appropriately" is. In adulthood, and as parents and teachers, we look to the adults we grew up with and our parents and teachers. It's why cycles of abuse get repeated. It's why my dad was so horrible and my mum was so useless. I can understand they're only human and did what they thought was best. I can forgive them. But I still have to try to teach myself everything they couldnt. I'm still trying to unlearn that profound guilt I have at everything I do and the deep sense of anger at any system that allows or encourages it to keep happening.

And in the end the one thing I can never do for myself, no matter how much progress I make and how much I analyse everything, is best the feeling of being alone. Everyone needs support. I think that's what I struggle with even more than all that - I can give advice on others' situations so I must know what's right really. I just dont want to be in charge. I'm tired of being in charge. I need someone to tell me what's okay, and that it's okay, and I'll be okay

[fairycosmos]

hey i’m super sry 2 bother ive just been struggling and i know u understand how i feel..i’ve never been this bad in my life. i feel so stupid agonizing over smth like my physical appearance but my reflection genuinely makes me nauseous and throws me into a breakdown each time i see it. i cant help but feel like id much rather kill myself than spend the rest of my miserable existence being so revolting and grotesque. i hate being conventionally unattrctive- going out in public is just the worst:(

hey angellll i'm sorry 2 hear you're dealing w this rn. you're not bothering me either, it's cool. :(( also i got your other anon and don't worry, i didn't think you were calling me ugly djekdkekk,, but i mean i AM lol. and i can definitely relate to feeling viscerally disgusting in your own skin......you're not over exaggerating, i promise. you are always going to have the right to feel a certain way about something that seems to dictate so much of your life. countless women are going through it. i struggle with this every single day myself and i honestly don't have all of the answers of even half of them, unfortunately. and sometimes nothing can calm me down from the shame i feel about being who i am, but here are a few thoughts/ideas that soothe me and may soothe you if you allow them to:

1. our perception of beauty is always being manipulated. they keep moving the goal posts and narrowing the standards to get us to chase these totally false ideals, purely because it makes money. that's it. they plant the insecurity, market a fake 'solution', and profit. when we look in the mirror a life time of conditioning looks back at us and the only way to get around it is to be consistently aware of that fact. once you begin examining and questioning why certain features are seen as attractive and others aren't, you realize that none of it really holds any ground. it has very little to do with our bodies, and everything to do with controlling them. it's all the result of a never ending advertisment, and engaging with it for too long is certainly going to exhaust you and fuck up your self perception. the way you see yourself is not as accurate as you think.

2. we are all going to be old and therefore conventionally unattractive someday any way. a defining factor of this game they force us to play is that we will never win. due to circumstance, or time, or just cause we're human. seems like for women we're not allowed to reach a day over 40 without being ridiculed for it. but i really do believe that getting older affords a certain amount of freedom. when you get to that point in your life, you're going to know yourself so much more than you do at the moment. your perspective WILL be different. you're not going to be basing your worth off of how you look because you'll have lived what you're capable of, and it's so much more than.......appearing a certain way for a moment in time. curating a life worth living pales in comparison to looking flawless. and i know it seems like you can't do that because you feel so gross, but you can - insecurity doesn't have to stop you from putting your best foot forward. you are worthy because you're here. you deserve to live because you are alive. at the end of the day, you don't have to like yourself, but you have to like BEING yourself. you have to learn how to enjoy your hobbies and opportunities more than you hate your skin or your face or whatever.

3. your body is here to experience and relate with the tangible world. it is the vessel with which you are able to walk, talk, love, eat, play, and enjoy. it is very very unconcerned with being palatable to the masses. ultimately, that is not what you exist for. it always comes back to that, no matter how much the world demands a performance of you - you don't have to give one. even if the so called audience doesn't like it. it takes time to truly accept that, i still can't. but working on neutralising the self is key. if you can't love yourself, just acknowledge yourself. these are my hands that allow me to create. these are my eyes that allow me to see. they are doing their job. they are okay. they can't be right or wrong. they just are.

4. self destructive thoughts are always over dramatic, always temporary, and often entirely untrue. it's ok to experience those urges, but do your best to find the line between having them and acting on them. it's alright if it takes a while to learn how. as long as you're attempting. that's all that matters.

5. try to consciously practice healthier thinking patterns on a daily basis. realistically consider how you judge others and why you're being so harsh on yourself when you would never act like that towards anyone else. understand that your energy, your presence, the way you smile and comfort and work, what you can give and receive - all of that is more important to pretty much everyone, than how you look. after a while, especially when you love or care for someone, their appearance becomes a total secondary characteristic. nobody is worrying that much over these self perceived flaws you're so stuck on, as much as you are. if they do take the time to mull on you, it's more likely they think something simplistic such as: oh there's that girl who lent me her homework or who always wears cool shirts, or whatever. they're too busy stressing about themselves.

6. attempt to build your own confidence. this is another thing i can't grasp either but. basically. you are going to be you for the rest of your life and that is a fact. the only realize you think it's a bad thing at the moment is because that's how you've been taught to feel. but you can unlearn, you can let go of what hurts. and that starts with accepting what you can't change and controlling what you can - your self esteem, your internal narrative, how you take care of your body and mind. even engaging in small, seemingly dumb exercises like pointing out three things you like about yourself in the mirror, can make a difference. you have all of the time in the world to learn how to be friends with yourself. but you might as well start now. baby steps are good. if you hide, spend half an hour outside, even once a week. get used to the discomfort. treat yourself. let it all contradict. growth is totally inevitable.

unfortunately, there's no all encompassing answer. you can know all of this logically and still feel Bad. and you're obviously allowed to be frustrated, to cry and break down, to have moments where you just feel entirely overwhelmed with self hatred - i can't figure out how to stop them, and i think they will remain with us for a while. maybe the goal is to just to cope with them in a decent way and not to prevent them all together. but those episodes are not an excuse to take your own life, ever. i can't think of a bigger fucking tragedy than the world losing you before you even had the chance to attempt living by an alternative narrative. you deserve so much better. i can't stress it enough. you have a whole open future just waiting for you, a healthy body to see it all with - it's going to be beautiful, it's going to surprise you even when you think you're a totally hopeless case. you're not. that's just another lie. your humanity is never going to depend on your physicality and anyone who can't accept that can fuck off!!! anyway i hope you know that there are genuinely so many resources available if you feel like this is getting Too much to handle by yourself. you're honestly not alone and if this is having a big impact on your overall stability then you're totally entitled to professional or medical support. it doesn't have to be a big deal. suicidal thoughts are not normal and there are people who will enable you to dissect and overcome them, you just have to make the initial choice to reach out. even if your brain is screaming otherwise. whether it's through school or a hotline or your doctor - communication WILL put your pain in perspective eventually, in turn lessening it. please consider it. even if takes you your whole lifetime to appreciate yourself, the fact that you're here and trying and navigating this shitty world is more than good enough. i'll be rooting for you from a place of total understanding until the end of time. please take and let me know if you need a friend. i'll be here.

*sorry if this didn't help. the other day i was having an Episode and nothing anyone said could've changed how absolutely disgusting i felt. sometimes it's like that. but this will always be here for you to look back on when you're in a more fair and objective state of mind.

[ravenaveira]

People that say Taka was the best team/friends for him is like saying a drug addicts friends who are also drug addicts are whats best for them simply because they went along with and encouraged their habit rather than trying to get them help and off a toxic lifestyle

Just because you have friends that support your bad habits doesnt mean their good friends and whats best for you

Friends who try to get you out of that toxic lifestyle to a better place where your clear-headed and healthy THOSE are real friends who want the best for you

I know this is a weird topic to touch on after the previous episode which I'm not downplaying because I thought it was wholesome, but the fact that people blatantly ignore how toxic and unhealthy Taka was for Sasuke AT THE TIME really just rubs me the wrong way

Do I think his relationship with Team 7 perfect? course not, but you can definitely see the difference between how TRUE friends behave and how enablers behave

Whenever Sasuke talked or thought about Team 7 he viewed them like family and precious bonds he had to cut in order to focus on and pursue revenge

Whenever Sasuke talked or thought about Taka he treated them as strictly subordinates, we never see him bothering to interact with them other than pursuing his goals and once they were no longer needed? he discarded and abandoned them without a second thought, he didnt even know Karin was an Uzumaki or that he even met her in the past which shows how little he cared about any of them on a personal level, the only one I can say Sasuke even remotely cared about to that degree is Jugo

None of them tried to empathize with Sasuke, none of them tried to talk to him about his struggles or problems and let him suffer alone, none of them cared for Sasuke to that point and if they did then they had one hell of a way of showing it

So my point? yes I think Sasuke cared somewhat about Taka in his own way and yes I think Taka cared for Sasuke as well I'm not saying they didnt, I'm just saying they didnt care enough

And it seems crazy to me that the same people who complain about the injustices done to Sasuke and his clan are the same one who support Taka and them supporting Sasuke and his crimes against pretty much everyone

Yes killing Danzo was a good thing but it was still a crime, Sasuke and Taka joined Akatsuki and tried to kidnap the 8 tails which was a crime against the Cloud village, Sasuke attacked the 5 kage summit and every single kage there making him an international criminal regardless if his goal was just Danzo it was still a risk of them getting involved, Sasuke just being a rogue ninja joining another rogue ninja is a crime, Sasuke attempting to kill all the 5 kage after the war would have been a crime

Yes some injustices can be resolved through violence but that is not the one and ONLY solution, Sasuke going rogue unfortunately even from a narrative standpoint yea it needed to happen for him to train with a Sanin etc but the only way to resolve Konoha’s injustice was to go through the right channels and expose to corruption that was in it, once Sasuke left and started committing crimes he lost the moral high ground and anything he said or did would easily be ignored and just thought of as another crazed Uchiha who deserved to die

You can argue yes but then Naruto and Kakashi could have said something once they found out but by that point it was like Temari said, it was FAR too late for Sasuke and even with the truth revealed how does that excuse his actions at the summit? against Bee? joining Akatsuki? killing Itachi and Danzo MIGHT have been able to be excused but the rest? there's no way that was getting overlooked even with the corruption exposed Sasuke was still just as much in the wrong now

I'm a huge Sasuke fan but even I can acknowledge that not every single one of his actions was 100% right and just, his actions towards the people who actually wronged him WERE in the right, but his actions in everything that didnt? yes he was in the wrong no ifs ands or buts about it

So for those who think Taka is so much better for Sasuke because they supported his criminal actions [except Jugo I believe he’d be fine either way] but not Team 7 who wanted Sasuke to stop his criminal actions and return to his senses and be in a healthy condition again, truly make me wonder if they actually care about Sasuke’s well being or just think everyone who isnt a yes man to everything Sasuke did somehow dont care about his feelings or the injustices done to him and just wanna change him

Yeah, change him for the BETTER not worse, if anything Taka tried to do the opposite of that but hey I guess being a bad influence is better than being a good one

And listen we can go back and forth all day about Sasuke's situation after the war because I agree wholeheartedly that thats bullshit, but realistically speaking the fact that some things about the Uchiha massacre are unresolved like those two elders even being allowed to breathe, realistically speaking what CAN you really do? the Uchihas are dead and the main man responsible is dead and Hiruzen who failed to stop it is also dead so what would exposing everything do at that point? everyone directly involved is DEAD so exposing it really is pointless even if only to clear Itachi’s name which I'm gonna say something alot of you wont like

But the Uchiha’s were not all innocent victims, atleast not the ones involved and planning the coup, yes they were treated unfairly but does that mean the best approach to fixing this is to overthrow the government? how does that make you look? your proving their suspicions of you right by attempting to be the threat they all think you are, that is NOT how you get your point across and demand justice for your clan by planning a coup that would result in many lives lost including your own

Does that mean do nothing? course not, but if you want their trust then you have to EARN it and if you want justice and equality then go on strike and refuse to serve them until their willing to talk and compromise, seriously the Uchiha was a HUGE asset to Konoha so them refusing to obey and offer their services definitely would have gotten their attention and force them to listen and find a compromise, if that didnt work they could have tried spreading the word to fellow citizens and gain their support as I'm pretty sure not EVERYONE in Konoha felt the same way towards them and would have joined their cause for equality

But no, they chose the path of violence and it resulted in their entire clan's downfall and they end up with NOTHING but a bad name, so what did they gain? absolutely nothing, so was it worth it? NO

So lets stop acting like Konoha’s the big bad villain that did nothing but wrong and the Uchiha’s were pure innocent souls that did nothing wrong to deserve what happened to them because Ima say it THEY DID and their downfall was entirely their own fault for their approach, was it right? of course not genocides never ok and just as the Uchihas could have found another method Konoha could have as well so they were both in the wrong not just one or the other

Itachi also isnt a saint for the same reason the Uchiha’s and Konoha isnt and thats choosing the wrong approach to resolving the problems, there were many other paths he could have chosen but he chose the worst ones every time so just clearing Itachi’s name because of his good intentions wouldnt be right because his methods were beyond fucked up on so many levels

So my point is Sasuke was a victim of both sides wrongdoings, Taka didnt help with that at all, Team 7 tried to empathize and tried to understand and console him and save him from himself, its just that Sasuke didnt let them and pushed them away and thats of no fault of theirs since they did try but mainly Sasuke and them being mostly in the dark about everything

Yet Taka knowing almost everything didnt even try to reach out to him or help him cope in any way, Karin you’d think would understand and get through to Sasuke the most, cared more about her lust for him and seeing his ‘smile’ than actually empathizing with him and helping him through the turmoil he was in, Suigetsu made it clear he was out for himself from the start and Jugo is just wholeheartedly loyal to Sasuke no matter what

The fact that in the end, Sasuke makes no attempt to visit them until he needs them for something speaks volumes of his attachment to them, I think Taka thinks more of Sasuke than Sasuke does of them

He didnt even say goodbye to them before he left for his redemption journey nor did he bring them along on his years-long mission which again speaks volumes

So all Im saying is, Taka being the best team for Sasuke and his true friends is complete bull because I have yet to see any argument or reasoning for this be anything other than he chose them and that they went along with everything he did without question

If you have a better reason for why you think this then please share with me I welcome it maybe you can change my mind, but as of right now all the arguments I see is bullshit or occasionally shipping based which isnt a legitimate reason btw, so if you can be civil then I'm all ears

Note: I didnt mention the other Kages because it should be obvious their ways were screwed up as well and ruined a lot of lives, however what does Sasuke’s idea of basically ruling as a dictator resolve? how does that fix and reform the system? Sasuke wont live forever so what happens when he dies? he cant be the enemy that unites everyone once he’s dead and gone it’ll return back to how things were and thus mission failed another Uchiha dies for nothing, Sasuke’s approach to the situation was just a temporary solution not a permanent one and one that wouldnt last long anyway so lets not pretend Sasuke had the best solution to the problem when in all honesty both his and Naruto’s solutions were flawed and it makes sense that they’d work together using both methods rather than one and compromise, again we can argue about Sasuke’s situation after the war all day but fact of the matter is just gotta accept this is what it is and move on, at least Sasuke achieved partially what he wanted which was a bright future for the next generation and the villages to be at peace with one another without the need of a common enemy anymore, are things completely resolved? no, but its progress, and 15 years is nowhere near enough time to fix decades worth of damage so its still a work in progress and will be for a long time

[gabriellesteele]

Thoughts inside my head Part one

going to be trying to do this every week to get a sense of how I'm feeling

Although im trying to get better i still feel as though i will never get rid of the voices . They feel so familar to me that letting them go could either be better or worse . I pray the tablets im on work for the sake of my health and that it will silence my voices and put them back too sleep for good.

i know my family and my fiance loves me and support every descision i make However in my head it never feels that way , it makes me feel as if no one wants me that given the situation i am no one would want to be near me let alone touch me .

Its not just the voices that make my life dificult. Going places are a struggle just walking out the door is enough to make me want to go hide in my bed or just trying to make a conversation i dont know how anymore its as if i dont understand the language but i do or im scared people will think im wierd and not speak to me again .

This illness doesnt just affect my mood it also stops me To the point i cant even do thing things i used to love doing because in my brain it seems alien and that it doesnt know how to do it .

And this process happens everyday Untill i reach a point of wanting to lie flat in bed either crying or not wanting to exist . There will be the ocasional day where i feel okay and that would only be to watch a film or go to the movies but i mostly end up in this mood .

Ive had three weeks off from work as i cant cope working due to the pressure and stress it brings me. I pray i can get better and happyer so i can focus on a future and career .

The most comforting and best thing thats happened is a guy i met on tumblr who has helped me see clearer within my life  and has become the best friend i could ever have in this world . Just staying with him made my brain think clearly and finally got the rest and hapiness i deserved . It helps when your going through the same things it helps you figure them out in a clearer light and is exactly who you need to support you through this proccess.

Ive decided to document my days in a journal and write what im feeling when it comes into my mind to let it out . Im going to focus on what i want and who is the person i want to be , make it my year by setting realistic goals and just do what i want when i want .

This year will be my year of getting better i just got to work out how .

Gabz xx

[theloveshackchronicles-blog]

Baby #2... Terrifying?

As I mentioned in my first blog about depression and anxiety, a village raised my first born, Madden. We had so much help! Both grandma's were on board. My brother and sister were on top of it as far as being there for him when I had to work late hours or what have you. And for 6 years of his life, that's the way it's always been. No one ever complained or gave me a hard time about needing help because Madden is honestly the most easy going and chill kid to have as company. I never had to worry about leaving him with my family because they just adored him so much and everyone who loved me knew I was hustling. I rarely hung out or did things on the days I had my son unless it was work.

Our custody agreement was LIT! I would have Madden from Wednesday to Saturday at 5. So for a few years, I had the weekend off from being a mom in a way. If I wasn't working a weekend, I was out! I became really close with a family who welcomed me as their own. We lost touch over the years but I will never forget them. We partied every Saturday night! We took river trips in the summer and literally had adventures every chance we could. It was so dope that I could still enjoy my life although I was a mom. Everyone made it seem like your life would be over once you had a kid but divorce and custody didn't mark that as true for my situation. If I was dating someone or "talking" to someone, they knew that wed-sat was off limits. Don't ask to see me. Don't ask to meet my son. You can't even come into my apartment. Because the man of that place is my son. For the most part, they respected that because.... um how can you not?

Madden and mommy....my sidekick... my protector...my FRED! I swore I couldn't share that love with anyone else. Madden molded me into the woman I am. He and I grew together and made life discoveries together. Him and I have an amazing bond. People feel it right away when they are near us. He's truly the better part of who I am. The best part!!

Time passes, I move back home with my mom. I had major goals to reach starting the winter of 2015. That is when I started therapy and shaved all my fucking hair off like a lunatic. I had big plans to turn over a new leaf and my mother was so cool about me coming back. She wanted me to save all my chickens and get me enrolled in a first time homebuyer program. She also encouraged me to get back into school (sounded good but we all know I hate school so suck it lol) I was feeling on top of the world and my new platinum buzz cut made me feel like a super human. People would just stare at me...ALL...THE...TIME.

A little while after the New Year, 2016 is when I rekindled my relationship with my now Fiancé, Justin. We had been together for 3 years prior to our reconnection. Broke up for 3 and then out of literally NOWHERE... I get a private message from him. I won't write what he said verbatim because I like some memories of us to be private. But lets just say my heart dropped to the ground. I thought he had forgotten about me. We were so amazing together the first time around but a lot of circumstances surrounding us weren't very ideal. We would find ourselves fighting constantly. Then family issues got out of hand so I was like "I am done, I need to focus on me and my son" and for 3 years we left each other alone.

After reading his message, I thought "why not?" After the first time we hung out, all we wanted to do was see each other. We quickly connected as if no time had passed. Plus, I started seeing such amazing growth in him that was so attractive. I fell in love all over again. He encouraged me to start photography as a hobby. So I did and thank him for pushing me because my camera is so special to us now. JC... back at it!!!

In April, I go on a Miami trip with my mom and sister for my mothers 60th Birthday! I was suchhhhhh a bitchhhhhhh on that vacation. I couldn't eat. Well let me rephrase. I couldn't eat meat! The smell, the texture, the preparation would make me soooooooo fucking sick! My mom made me a sandwich with ham and I almost cut her face off. I would get dizzy spells and needed to throw up every hour. Welp...... that was the start of my parasite, Baby Ace lmao!! I thought maybe I had gotten food poisoning or maybe the big yellow python I had around my neck earlier gave me some snake flu? Fuck, I didn't know what was up.

From April to December when Ace was born, I was the worst person to be around. I cut off my best friend in the entire world because I felt she hated me pregnant, I stayed in my home the entire time because I was always so sick and embarrassed from puking in public. I was so paranoid and thought my family was mad that I was going to have another baby and felt like they all thought it was too soon. It was ALL in my head because everyone was so cool about it. It was me who had this guilty feeling like why would I do this again? Especially after having such a calm pregnancy with Madden to this fucking horror scene every day? Ughhhhhh... my skin was gross, my hair looked like a chia pet and I didn't feel sexy or pretty anymore. This time around was horrible. It made Justin and I dislike each other very much for a while. But I couldn't help it. I was panicking. (We also had to endure a lot of BULLSHIT while I was pregnant and even some time after the baby was born BUT I will not get into that.... I am still very upset about it) Let's just say... FAMILY can be CRUEL!! That's all I can say. CRUEL!

Annnnyway!!!! I had a lot of worry and for good reason. Worry plus hormones... you do the math! I was not ok. Justin and I busted ass to prepare for our boy. We didn't want a baby shower because we literally started buying shit the day we found out. Target was at our doorstep every day for about 3 months. Like I said earlier, I felt like everyone was against us so I didn't want to inconvenience anyone by making them buy me a gift and come to my baby shower. We had it covered.  But we were convinced to have one against our wishes and then left to plan it ourselves. (rolls eyes... exactly what we wanted to avoid) but we did it and glad we did because we got to see close past friends we hadn't seen in a while and even some family came by to show love and support which is ALWAYS WONDERFUL. Our theme was "Let Love Grow" We had started our garden that summer as a trial run for the large one we had planned for the Spring after Ace was born. We had big plans to plant, grow and make our own baby food. So Let Love Grow was perfect! We gave out little cacti and succulents as Thank You favors. I thought it was so cute! Some of our friends still have those cacti. I am proud of those who kept them alive because I am no good at keeping plants alive. Good for you guys!!!

I "nested" for monthhhs lol! My nerves for starting over again were insane!!! I felt like I was new at this. It had been almost 8 years since having a baby. All the baby items changed. Everything that was once safe in 2009 is now banned and no longer safe or proper for a child. I couldn't just get back on the bike. There was a whole new parenting curriculum to adhere to and I was not prepared. I just didn't want to fail. I wanted to do everything right. I wanted to give my all. I wanted to have all my bases covered. And drove myself crazy trying to get there. I still ain't there. In fact, parenting comes and goes day by day. Yes, being a new mother was terrifying but after I realized that I cannot control everything that happens and decided to let the universe guide me, I was able to relax. Justin is one hell of a father too. He is always there. He is always coming up with ways to make things easier for us. And Ace is obsessed with dada.

Unlike parenting Madden, I am with Ace all the time. We as a family are with each other all the time. There is nothing more fulfilling than having my boys with me and being the mom I am to them. I love making my home comfy and warm for my loves. I LOVE being their mommy and I LOVE being a wife.

My life is far from over. I thank God because I feel like it has just begun.

If you're childless and wondering if you should have a kid. Think about where you're at mentally. Not age wise. Don't put a time clock on it. Be realistic with who YOU are. If you're still in your selfish stage, don't have a kid. It will be a burden to you if you can't balance out your personal life and your home life.(they're two totally different things so always remember that)

If you're pregnant for the first time and scared, I promise you...it's ok! Your little human was made FOR YOU! There is nothing that kid can do that you aren't designed to handle, baby!

And if your destiny doesn't include kids, that's fine too! I know it plays with your heart when you see all these pregnant friends and celebs on your social media accounts. I swear, after I had baby number two is when the baby boom took offfffff! I didn't think people wanted to raise kids in this nasty world but boy was I wrong. I SEE PREGO'S everywhere lol! Congrats to any expecting moms or dads who are reading this by the way!!! But if your world is ok without kids, that doesn't make you less of a woman. It doesn't make you cold or selfish. Its all good to not want kids. I'm sure there are some kids in your world who love you and cant wait for your visits. Trust me, you matter to some kid out there! You will have an impact on our future. Just in a different way. That's all.

Baby boy turns 1 on the 22nd and his birthday party is tomorrow. I am so emotional because this year flew by for me. Daddy doesn't think so but I feel like I was just pregnant and miserable yesterday. I feel as though my little boy shot up before my very eyes. He has a smile full of teeth. He walks like a champ and even tries to talk to us. Its going too quickly for my little heart to catch up. I will be a wreck tomorrow because this year has been a mix of such scary, loving, exciting, stressful and eye opening  experiences I have ever had!!! I have changed so much. My life is soooo different now and I just thank God for giving me another chance.

To Madden and Ace,

I promise to be your guiding star and your soft spot to land when times are great and when times are not so great. I promise to love you for all that you are and for all that you will be. You boys are the highlight of all my days and the constant dream in all my nights. You're both so special to me and I thank you for saving me. I thank God for picking me for you two. I love you boys more than life itself. I love you guys more than there are stars in the galaxy. I love your smiles and your laughter. I love how silly you both are because I KNOW I AM YOUR MOMMY when you do weird shit. I love when you hear music and start to dance. I love when you don't feel so well and look for me and my love more than usual. I love your eyes, your skin and your hair. Your smell! Gosh, motherhood is the most special thing I can call mine!

 -it's SCARY but it's WORTH IT