#i just identify as trans now because ultimately i decided my identity was more about being trans than being a gender

[transmandrake]

Scalding hot take I've been ruminating on but I think we need to retire the phrase 'Trans X are trans X' (ie. Trans men are men, trans women are women) and 'trans X are not Y' (ie trans men are not women, trans women are not men)

Not because its wrong per se, but because 90% of the time people say it and actually mean 'trans X are exactly the same as cis X'

And what happens is, even trans people, (id argue especially trans people) consciously or not, internalise that everything that is believed about cis people, is true for trans people.

This leads to absolutely batshit takes like 'its okay to hate trans men because men are our oppressors' (thats just transphobia) and 'trans women are sensitive and delicate and need protecting because they are women' (actually they need protecting because theyre being fucking murdered, not because theyre magical soft sweet little babies (like you think women are. Thats just sexism, even if you mean it positively). This ones often covert because, unfortunately sometimes sexism is gender validating)

Its also a *hand wiggles* phrase because I think a lot of people are so afraid of seeming transphobic that theyve kind of backpedalled into becoming really transphobic by denying the existence of anyone who is both a man and a woman and trans (and any and all combinations you can think of).

I think also this phrase is partially why a lot of people seem to think all trans people want to pass, will pass, and have a completely binary identity. The mere suggestion that a trans man can be a woman or a trans woman can be a man is seen as transphobic, when thats probably how the cookie crumbles for most people with multiple genders that include the binary ones.

(I was really glad to see more awareness and acceptance of multigender stuff in the last while but everyone gets funny about it every time trans stuff comes up... these do not have to be conflicting issues...)

How to help this? I'm not sure. I feel like some kind of indicator whether a trans person identifies as something, versus wants to be something (Im not sure how to explain this distinction. I guess its about whether your gender is more about being TRANSgender or being transGENDER. Yknow?) could be helpful, but well thats just more divisions and distinctions for people to put their burdens on.

Ultimately some women are men and some trans men arent men and some binary people are nonbinary too, because its all made up and simultaneously real. Without acknowledging this, we're just making Sexism 2.0 Trans-Affirming This Time instead of going 'hey, sexism fucking sucks, we shouldn't do that to anyone, cis or trans'.

[queer-advice-hotline]

Hello Queer-Advice-Hotline,

Thanks for all that you do! Just found this blog and it’s been really educating and helping.

I have a question. I’m nearly 34. Last year I started on a journey of getting to know myself and what I liked, as I spent a lot of my adult life dealing with trauma and resulting codependency issues. I was very femme, the last thing I thought I’d be questioning when I started this was my gender.

I always wondered to wear male clothing and decided one day to explore that urge. (The men’s aisle at old navy is a gateway drug.) I started using they/them and a different name. (The name was to cut ties to my trauma as well as express my gender.) I kept wearing more and more men’s clothing, and that’s all I wear at work and my home. It feels right to me. I am out as non-binary with people, but friends in my life have no clue I dress like a man, sometimes use the “he” pronoun and bind.

I now use he/they. I don’t define myself as a trans man though. I thought for a little while I might be, but have no interest in hormones or surgery. I bind my chest mostly in private and love how it looks and feels, but I think I’d feel more dysphoric without my top half then with them. I like my top half and it’d feel weird to be without it. I also love my bottom half and wouldn’t want to get rid of that either. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and think “fuck I love my body”. About the only thing I’m super dysphoric about is my voice. I wish it were much lower.

I like the way I see physically look now with just the outside appearance alteration: the masc clothing, short hair, etc. I do often have anxiety about being out to people about my gender. I’m out to my friends as non-binary, but most of they think I’m still femme. At work I dress masc, at home alone, and at one comic store I go to. Most others don’t know. I’m slowly being more open about who I am (and feel great joy in that) but am not fully out. I know that this is because I have a lot of internalized transphobia because of my evangelical upbringing and I’m working through it. I fear rejection. I fear judgement. I worry my change in my identity is because of my trauma, or some head injuries I had in recent years. I don’t feel secure in my place at the queer table. How do you work through those fears? I identify currently as genderqueer trans-masc. I am not sure if I’m allowed to use the terms “transmasc” or the pronoun he”. But I have no interest in HRT or surgery. I worry I’m misappropriating an identity. Is is ok to define myself as genderqueer transmasc and not want to physically transition? Am I trans enough, I suppose is ultimately the question.

Thank you for the help. I’m a really shy person, don’t know anyone in the queer community, and wasn’t sure who to ask.

Surgery, hormones, and any other sort of physical transition are not required to be trans. You can absolutely define yourself as trans masc, genderqueer, or even as a trans man if you wanted to. It’s not misusing the label at all.

You would be trans enough even if you wore dresses, had long hair, and used she/her pronouns. You are trans enough as you are, always.

[catbountry]

Why is transmedicalism bad? I thought it meant one believing things like people need gender dysphoria to be trans and that hormones shouldn't be handed out like candy. It might mean something else now. I stopped paying attention to that kind of discourse but it seemed to be acknowledging that people are trans because of biological and scientific realities. That lines up with evidence.

The main problem with it is that it pathologizes transness in a way where it's framed as a mental disorder, which even when done with good intentions, it winds up being weaponized against trans people and is "proof" that they're crazy because they are trans, and not that this is a medical procedure used to alleviate mental problems caused by gender dysphoria. Another problem is that it's actually not that easy for most people to get hormones. There's not very many places where they're "handed out like candy;" it's in fact far more common that they have to jump through multiple hoops just to get HRT at all. On top of all that, the percentage of trans people that detransition because it's not right for them it something like 0.2% of trans people, and even then, there are other reasons people might have for detransitioning aside from "whoops, I realized this isn't right for me, oh well." Estrogen in particular is pretty easily reversed in the case of someone deciding to detransition. Testosterone is rougher, but most of its effects can be reversed.

I do think that there definitely is some kind of biological reason for transness, but I'm not sure if we actually know what it is. I'm pretty sure the study on "male brains" versus "female brains" isn't that reliable, but there might be something to being bombarded with cross-sex hormones in utero? But, much like homosexuality, where there might be some kind of biological and scientific explanation for why it exists... I don't think these things should have to be proven to be "real" by science for people to just respect other people's experiences, because ultimately, it comes down to this:

Is this person harming anyone by expressing their gender identity the way they want to? Does a nonbinary trans identity actually harm binary trans people? I would argue "no."

I recently came out as nonbinary. I have zero desire for HRT; it's not necessary for me because my gender is more about my feelings, my presentation, my ability to express myself safely. There are trans people who do not seek HRT or surgeries, or trans people whose gender expressions don't 100% align masculine or feminine; something that many doctors require before treatments like HRT. There are some who feel like they need it. Transmedicalism often narrows the possible range of those expressions to strictly binary transgender identities; FtM or MtF. It doesn't account for nonbinary identities, which don't fall neatly into either category. I used to not believe in the validity of nonbinary gender identities... and then my best friend came out as nonbinary. Then other people I knew started identifying as nonbinary. And I realized that my thoughts of "why are people describing really normal feelings of just not fitting neatly into a particular gender presentation as nonbinary, I do that all the time and I'm cis!" before I had a realization that people's experiences with being nonbinary pretty accurately described my own relationship to my gender. Transmedicalism doesn't really allow for these squishier identities to really exist, and is often used as a way to gatekeep transness by saying that it can only exist in this very specific context.

I think the broader point, though, is that it's not really anybody's fucking business how you express your gender. I've had to condition myself to accept "it" personal pronouns after having previously been uncomfortable with them. I'm still probably going to have trouble with neopronouns and will take to any more normie options for the sake of making communication easier if those options are available. The only real benefit I can see from transmedicalist thought is that it could make insurance coverage easier, but the flipside is that you're not allowed to buy a gun because you've been deemed mentally ill because you're trans. It's still weird for me to acknowledge that I myself now fall under the "trans umbrella" due to identifying as nonbinary, and it mostly feels off because I don't experience any gender dysphoria in regards to my body and I'm not transitioning to anything; it's just business as usual with a different label. Gender is a thing we made up that's formed by social and cultural expectations. We made it up. Biological sex is real, but the existence of intersex people makes it not that cut-and-dry as we were taught in biology class.

I would like to think that a lot of people buy into transmedicalism for reasons that might be seen as noble, such as insurance coverage or access of care, but in practice, it's very restrictive. We're already seeing the rising rates of transgender youth start to plateau, much the same way that left-handedness did once we stopped trying to convert lefties into righties. Transmedicalism just wants to sort people into "real" and "fake" trans, and honestly? I no longer think it's that simple. It's reductive and also it's not really that important when transphobes see both binary and nonbinary trans people as the same; perverted freaks who should be lined up against the wall and shot.

And I don't know about you, but I think the trans community has bigger issues to be concerned about than useless bickering about who's the most legitimate trans person. You know. Because of the whole lining up against the wall attitude.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

To the nonbinary anon who is thinking abt saying your a trans man:

Hi!! I’m in a similar situation. I have actually decided to take the step to come out as a trans man, so I can begin the medically transition I need to survive. This has been a hard decision for me, and it’s one that i’ve only recently been able to decide on, because I am now so comfortable in my identity. I’ve always been one to say “I don’t care what others think of me! I know myself best, so other people can’t change my mind”. Which, is a mindset I understand not everyone can share. But I think at the core of it, this all comes down to how comfortable and familiar you are with yourself. Gender is a complicated thing! It’s OK to change how you describe yourself, as you get to know you better. I used to identify as a trans man, before I realised I was non binary. And now it feels a bit strange to slip on that cover again as I seek medical transition, I will admit.

For me, I have gotten this comfortable in myself by listening to others, and making art. I used to struggle with unlearning transmedicalism, too. It stunted my growth as a non binary person. but in discovering more diverse voices on youtube, podcasts, etc, my mind truly opened. Not just in accepting the wide spectrum of all trans people, but in how it all interconnects. Listen to trans and non binary people with intersectional identities! You will learn so much. And the feeling of joy I got seeing just how many different ways non binary can be all over the worlds, it is wonderful. 

And in these past few years, I have really taken to art. creating my own, as a way of self expression. Drawing, face paint, makeup: all ways I express myself. Translating my being into different forms of art has helped me better understand myself. Again, not for everyone, I understand. But if you are into art, maybe try some abstract artworks. Some questions I turned into drawings are: “Who am I now vs. who do I want to become? Why do I love myself?”

While I will be putting “transgender man” down on official papers, I still have been out to my wonderful friends about being non binary. I agree with Lee that it is an important step in unlearning transmedicalism. Personally though, I accepted myself as non binary in my head, before I told my friends the truth. It is hard to explain what my gender means to me. I just don’t think words are enough sometimes! I wish I could have better words to explain how I came to this point of self-acceptance. Just try not to be too hard on yourself for not figuring everything out right away!

Because ultimately, your safety does indeed come first. Being in places where non binary identity isn’t well understood, it can feel like a lot of pressure to be a role model. At least for me, I can’t handle explaining to everyone I meet what it means to be non binary, and answer all the questions. It sucks, because having non binary people who are out, is an essential part of acceptance for our community. But we must keep in mind our own personal limits. It is understandable to feel guilty in this decision. But understand that it is not your fault our societies are this way, and we must do what we can to survive. 

I have hope that there *will* come a future where we are accepted and loved by this planet. We have already come so far, although it can be disheartening to remember that in the face of such vocal hate. But we cannot allow ourselves to be drowned by it. You are far from alone, anon. Wishing you peace and prosperity!! <3

(in response to this post)

Lee says:

Thank you for your reply-- as a sidenote, I'd like to mention that it isn't always necessary to pretend to be a binary trans man to access medical transitioning.

Anon may feel like it is necessary to do so in their situation and I am not saying that they are wrong for doing so. But I'd like followers who have not yet started the process of medical transition to know that it can be possible to do so while out as non-binary.

I personally have been out as genderqueer to my mental health letter-writing providers and medical providers throughout my process of getting T, getting top surgery, a hysterectomy, and phalloplasty. I can't say that all of my doctors actually understood that I'm non-binary as many did refer to me as a trans man, but despite that bit of erasure, I wasn't actively hiding my gender identity and it is mentioned in my WPATH letters of support.

While it will depend on where you live and which doctors/providers you see, there are folks who medically transition while openly identifying as non-binary.

[genderqueerdykes]

Hi, I know this is kind of a heavy topic (dysphoria, medical anxiety, etc) but I’m really hoping to get some perspective. Feel free to not answer if it’s too heavy though!

I’ve more or else identified as a trans man for a year now. Before that I flipped through loads of different identities, but this year is the first time I genuinely considered that I might be a man, and one who wanted to go on hormones. My girlfriend and friends have been nothing but supportive, my parents are…trying. They love and support me but it’s still just. A lot for them. But knowing that they probably doubt I’m actually trans has recently made ME doubt whether HRT is right for me. I keep flipping through “this is okay. Even if I decide I don’t need T and want to go off it, I should still do this because if I don’t I’ll never be able to live with myself knowing I gave up” and “I’m not a real trans man, I’m just confused. I’ll be destroying my body” and I’m just really tired of the constant swing. Could you maybe lend some advice on what to do?

i'm sorry to hear your family is so unsupportive- at times, when you have some people in your life who are supportive and some who are very unhelpful, it can cause what's known as cognitive dissonance, meaning what you're describing, flip flopping back and forth between "well maybe this is right" and "damn this is definitely wrong"

i'm sorry to hear that it's been so difficult for you. you would not be "destroying your body" by taking testosterone. testosterone is a naturally occurring hormone that is present in every human being in varying levels. it's definitely good to question if it's right for you before you decide to take it, and if for whatever reason you do decide to take it and you don't like the effects it has on you, you ultimately did a good thing by being brave enough to take the leap to see if something actually was right for you, instead of speculating and wondering and questioning instead and never truly knowing

generally i say the fact that it affects you so deeply is usually a good indicator that you are trans. no one has the right to tell you what to do with your identity or your body. nobody has the right to be invasive enough to tell you you are "destroying your body" over something that ultimately has no affect whatsoever on your general health and well being for most people. modifying your body to save your mind is not a bad thing. people want to be invasive about your body, but never take a second to consider what's going on in your mind. your mental health is worth preserving. people who don't see and respect your mental health are not helping you, even if they think they are

i hope you're able to make some more friends and find some more supportive spaces outside of your family who can help you. i know people often tell us that we have to listen to our parents and that our family's opinion is above everyone else's, but it's really not. you know yourself better than anyone else, and it's not right for your family to stress you out over something that doesn't affect them. i hope you're able to find some peace soon, take care. stay safe, you are appreciated

[alltimefail-sims]

Time to clean out my inbox!

Sorry it takes me forever to respond, but if you've sent me an ask recently that hasn't been answered it is more than likely under the cut! ↓

Honestly I don't know that Erwin has one mortal enemy so much as he doesn't trust 90% of people in general! He sees everyone as a threat and assumes the worst about *most* people until they prove otherwise. That's just how he is, unfortunately. :(

But at the start of my story he hates Ted Roswell with a fiery passion and doesn't trust him for shit. I'd argue Ted and the authorities of Strangerville (any military or high-ranking police) are his absolute enemies and he wants to burn their whole world down. In general Erwin hates authority though and always has. He's not fond of Meredith Roswell either, but mostly sees her as harmless and just as in-the-dark about her husband as everyone else is.

Before Strangerville there were many people who bullied or ostracized him, but he wouldn't call them his enemies because he didn't really care what they thought of him then, and certainly doesn't pay them any mind now! He does have a particularly difficult/toxic ex that has a brief cameo in the story though... they're not enemies but damn close lmao!

I love the Hunger Games! I went through a dystopian novel obsession in the mid 2010s that hasn't worn off yet (lol). I'm a bit behind in that I haven't read The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes yet, but I'm actively in the tag so I pretty much know the whole plot lol. I'm hoping to receive the book as a Christmas gift this year so I can reread all the books together and be fully involved in the fandom again!!

Also, for the record, I'm Team Peeta! I love him. Katniss and Peeta are *chef's kiss* to me. Additionally, I have limited information on Lucy Gray Baird but I love her too and will protect her from all the female-protag haters and President Snow apologists!! Get behind me, Lucy!

Yes! Erwin has always been really tall! His whole family are giants with his dad being the tallest at 6 feet and nearly 5 inches tall and his older sister Maggie being the shortest at 5 feet 10 inches tall...which is still quite tall in my opinion!

In my story he started "officially" transitioning (doing testosterone therapy, going by a different name, binding, etc.) somewhere around 14 years old. He came out to his sister and then his parents a year prior though (he was around 13) and knew he was trans long before then!

No worries, thanks for asking for clarification! You don't sound stupid. I'll try to explain to the best of my ability, speaking mostly on Wren and Victor's specific situation.

In a lot of cases labels, such as the nonbinary label, primarily serve as a way to transmit information. It tells people "This person does not personally subscribe to the gender binary of male or female." But a nonbinary person can still have a sexual identity like gay or lesbian or they might subscribe to being pan or bisexual. Every couple, every situation, and every person is different. In some cases having a partner who identifies as a certain binary sexuality like gay/lesbian/straight might cause the nonbinary person dysphoria, so the cis-partner might consider this if they begin to date a nonbinary person and ultimately decide they want to identify as pan or bi moving forward! Again, it's ultimately between the people in the couple. Labels are just that: they can be subject to change or stay the same forever... both are okay!

But in the way a cis man dating a trans woman does not negate his ability to personally identify as straight, or a bisexual woman like myself being married to a man does not negate the fact that I'm bisexual, Victor being a cis-man and dating Wren who is nonbinary does not inherently negate his ability to personally identify as gay. At least in Wren's case, it wouldn't bother them to be with a cis-male who would personally identify as gay. In fact, Wren identifies as nonbinary and gay, preferring male-presenting sims. For Wren identifying as nonbinary is more about the freedom of expression and the freedom to exist authentically in whatever way they're feeling, so Wren doesn't feel gender dysphoria if someone associates them with a gender binary, they just don't prefer it that way. That's just Wren's personal experience though; another nonbinary person might feel completely different and that's valid, too! I think there's no singular, easy answer that would cover every situation or every person's personal preference because gender and sexuality are a vast spectrum and they aren't mutually exclusive. The most important thing is that everyone in the relationship is communicating, respecting, and validating each other's identities and boundaries.

The term you might be looking for is Diamoric: Diamoric can be used by nonbinary people as an umbrella term to describe how their own presentation of gender coincides with their sexual preferences, but it can also be used to describe relationships in which one or more of the partners is non-binary, including relationships where one of the members is binary! I haven't personally heard this one used casually though, but just because something isn't popularized or common doesn't mean it isn't a valid and helpful term or identity to know.

That being said, "Queer" is a pretty common umbrella term you'll see used by someone who might want to have a simple, all-in-one indication of their gender and sexuality preferences.

I hope that I was able to effectively explain this, but as always feel free to pop by for clarification if you need it. You can't learn if you don't ask! <3

[briarrolfe]

This is really resonating with me, because this week at work I changed my pronouns to he/him.

My workplace prides itself on being inclusive and diverse, but for some reason I still face a lot of systematic discrimination there. After the most recent bullshit rendered me ineligible for a pay rise due to me talking about transphobia too much, I decided I’d like to avoid being the token trans employee for the rest of my life. I told HR that I’d like to change my pronouns in the system from they/them to he/him. This is now done, but wow, you would not believe the policing bullshit this has resulted in. Management (exclusively comprised of cis women) REALLY doesn’t want anyone to be able to forget that I’m trans. They’re actively fighting to keep me in the category of labelled as trans in a way that they’ve never fought to change conditions for me. They’re expressing how “sorry” and “sad” they are that I “feel it’s necessary,” using all the possible coded language they can to convey that I’m making a hasty mistake. “We’re really sorry to hear you prefer to change your pronouns.” They’re not making any effort to use those new pronouns despite saying “…but ultimately, we support you to show up at work however feels safe and comfortable for you.”

Meanwhile, today I have my first appointment at a Hospital For Women (that’s what is literally written on the building) because if I want to get treatment for endometriosis then there’s no other building I can enter. To be able to convince the seventh GP I saw (a cis woman) that I had a real problem and truly deserved to enter this building, I had to get an ultrasound from a place called Imaging For Women. The receptionist (a cis woman) dismissed my concerns over the phone because “we see trans patients all the time.” What this meant was me sitting in a waiting room while cis women stared me down, followed by an internal ultrasound (performed by a cis woman) that at best would be described as poor practice and atypical, and otherwise as intensely and unnecessarily traumatic (she left me alone in the room with the ultrasound probe stuck in me for fifteen minutes). And, it being an endometriosis ultrasound, after this experience I got a piece of paper that said There’s Nothing Wrong With You.

Meanwhile, I am in pain for 86% of days each month. My body is self-generating something labelled as a Women’s Health Issue. It’s been impossible for me to avoid being called a woman at any stage. The healthcare I need is locked behind the word Women.

Of course, sometimes if I’m really lucky, a service or charity will drop this sort of thing in their web footer:

(I’m so sorry about the contrast on those last two screenshots).

The same sort of language starts to perpetuate itself across these experiences. “We’re sorry to hear you prefer to change your pronouns.” “You may not identify as women.” “We may not have used the right description that aligns with you. Identity is a complex and ongoing conversation.” “We support you.” “We are learning.” If I can cut through to the tone, it comes down to something like… we are trying as hard as we can, and it’s really difficult. Including you is so complicated that it can never be done to your satisfaction. But we are dedicated to supporting you as you force us to learn better.

The thing I find interesting is how much this categorical violence is perpetuated by cis women who believe that they’re inclusive and trans-affirming. They’re so proud of their position as trans allies that they’ll refuse your pay rise for hearing anything to the contrary.

I think there’s a bit of a loophole provided by the pop feminist idea that All Men Are Oppressing All Women. It means that white cis women feel justified—in fact empowered—to police marginalised men (or marginalised people who they construe as women who are a bit too proximate to masculinity) in order to “reclaim” power from those people. As the posts above say, they didn’t really have this power to begin with—more just situational proximity to it.

Cis women are able to do this while earnestly believing that they’re allies because by acknowledging the identity of those marginalised people, they’re establishing that the marginalised people exist in the category of Their Oppressor. As an example of this: one of my friends (a cis woman) told me that if I managed to secure a hysterectomy, it would be proof of how much easier it is for trans men… to navigate the women’s health system.

Now, in case this can be misread, I’m not denying in any way shape or form that cis women face oppression due to their gender. Aside from the chunk of time I spent navigating the world believing I was one of them, it would be extra fuckin wild to draw that conclusion after spending an entire year trying to get a GP to give me a referral to a gynaecologist. Our society is set up to enable oppression on mass scale on many axes, and one of these is undeniably womanhood.

What I’m identifying is that pop feminism has constructed cis womanhood as the oppression that eclipses all others. There is no such thing as race or class or queerness or disability in the face of cis womanhood, this monolithic denominator of society. This understanding of the world allows cis women who come by some measure of patriarchal power permission for a sort of vigilante gender-justice, a rebalancing of the scales. Trans exclusionary feminists are the most obvious example, but after the experiences I’ve outlined above, I think I’m entitled to a more cynical reading:

Appearing affirming and inclusive is a more effective tactic for cis women, as it attracts more marginalised people to have power over.

I wouldn’t have gone to that imaging place if I hadn’t been told that they had trans patients all the time. I wouldn’t have talked about transphobia at work to management if they hadn’t portrayed themselves as sympathetic. I wouldn’t have told my friend about how hard it was to get a referral to a gynaecologist if she hadn’t, until that point, been understanding of systematic barriers for trans people. Through trusting cis women with the information that I’m trans, I’ve been subjected to some pretty horrendous experiences that the same cis women would intuitively understand as unfair gender-based oppression if it was happening to another cis woman. I know it’s cynical, but I really do feel that these sudden onsets of wilful ignorance come from a self-serving place; the patriarchal seduction of committing gender-based oppression upon people who will never be believed.

while i get where this comes from and it’s true to an extent, i reeeaaaally don’t like how people try to explain “trans men don’t [necessarily] have male privilege” with things like “some trans men don’t pass”.

like sure that’s the most obvious example (someone who is seen as a woman won’t have the privilege that comes with being seen a man) but you’re still acting like being a passing trans man is just a free opt-in to male privilege which is………kinda the issue.

[adventuresoutsidethegenderbinary]

I'm afab and I have no dysphoria but still I question my gender all the time and I don't know why. I also read a lot of those posts where ppl say that if you question your gender you aren't cis. I wish I was cis but I'm not 100% sure and it really gives me a hard time because then I start questioning my gender over and over again. It might be because I was raised in a very androgynous way and therefore can't identify with the social role that was given to me. As Simone de Beauvoir said: "One is not born, but rather becomes a woman". So I'm not sure if I'm on the trans spectrum or actually just a woman who hates being seen as the weak girl. Help...

Hi,

It’s totally okay to question your gender! It’s also okay to not want to decide or put a label on it right now (or ever). 

In terms of “cis people don’t question their gender,” I think that the vast majority of cis people never question their gender, but some do, especially those who are gender non-conforming. It’s totally valid to question your gender and realize that you’re cis, and you’ll always be welcome as an ally! However, like I said before, most cis people do not question their gender, and even though questioning your gender doesn’t necessarily make you trans, it certainly is something to explore further. 

In our highly gendered society, it can be hard to differentiate between our feelings about gender itself and our feelings about gender roles. I would advise trying out different pronouns/labels online to see how they make you feel. If you feel more comfortable being identified as on the trans spectrum, great! If you feel like gender non-conforming is more authentic to you, that’s great too. 

Ultimately, the only person who can determine your gender identity is you. But no matter what you discover, know that you are valid!

Love always, 

River

[femboty2k]

Long post about something I think about a lot and that doesn’t matter to anyone else but me probably

I’m sure there’s a million posts out there on why good representation is important and good but I just wanted to talk shortly about something that happened to me in a recent span of a few months involving a character in a dumb game about collecting jpegs of anime women and hunky dudes with giant swords.

There’s a game called Granblue Fantasy, its an extremely popular gacha game/JRPG with a very large roster of characters and a lot of stuff to do as far as reading through character lore, fighting JRPG battles, raids, and basically playing VNs for character dialogue. It’s a pretty good game, and one of the coolest things about it, is it has (to my knowledge, I dont play/keep up with it very often) 2 canon trans characters. One is named Cagliostro, an alchemist who was born as a man but through extensive experimentation and some self discovery has since transitioned into a woman, hell bent on making herself as cute as possible. Fun right? She’s presented extremely well and is one of the game’s more fun characters. The second character is one that has become a personal favourite for me for many reasons, her name is Ladiva.

Ladiva is a part of a race of people called the Draph. The Draph are a humanoid, and pretty much human looking, race of people with their defining features being their large stature and bovine like horns and ears. This is important because male draph are usually much larger and more muscular than female draph (but its a horny anime game so who can say they’re surprised lol). Ladiva, as my discussion here makes obvious, is a trans woman belonging to these folk. Because of this, she’s both quite large, muscular(and more masculine presenting on the surface), and has rugged looking facial hair. The surprising thing about her presentation in comparison to how she looks, is that she’s presented incredibly well. despite her appearance being not as feminine as it could be (with Cagliostro even offering to make her a new totally feminine body only to have Ladiva refuse, stating that she should love her own body along with the rest of herself) she’s treated as what she is, a woman.

So why am I talking about this? Why am I putting my poorly put together thoughts on this tumblr post no one will read? Well, I am trans. I have felt a certain way about myself all my life that I’m sure most trans people can echoe so I won’t wast time waxing poetic about how I’ve always felt more feminine than I was “supposed” to be. My core purpose of this post comes from the fact that I am 6′2, nearly 300lbs of muscle/fat/body hair, and have had a full beard since I was 14. I am EXCEEDINGLY masculine, which has made my own internal struggle with my transness sort of difficult to accept. A sort of constant push and pull of wanting to just repress it all because I already pass as a man and wanting to work towards being who I know I actually am. Another factor is that I never felt truly comfortable with purely feminine pronouns. In highschool I went by a different name, and I used she/her pronouns and for a while it felt okay. But it was always just, okay. It never felt right on top of several people giving me some rather hurtful backlash for it and how it contrasted so much with my physical appearance. So I stowed it all away until about a year ago. I now have something that I didn’t have before, a truly wonderful and supportive group of adult friends who treat me like an adult as well and take me seriously. So through careful examination of how I felt i began trying new things to explore my identity. It began with me deciding I wanted to use they/them pronouns, this stuck and still feels like its the right thing for me along with the label of Nonbinary. However, slotting myself into this new label and finally feeling comfortable in an identity brought about new thoughts as well as new things to mull over in my head. Things like the fact that most nonbinary representation in media falls under the same category of a waifish AFAB person who presemts femininely if not androgynous, and how people like me are a vocal minority within the community itself even being excluded by a small portion of it. It was a new set of things to tackle and think about. But that aside, with them came the most important thing I asked myself, “am I comfortable with how I am now? Or do those thoughts I had all those years ago mean something?”

This question isnt easy. Gender is a strange subject and is different to everyone who experiences something with their identity, so I wont pretend like I have any definitive answers for anything because, there arent really any of those. The question for myself, boiled down to “Am I more comfortable identifying as transfeminine, or am I comfortable with just being nonbinary.” This question vexed me for a little while. It hurt to think about. A lifetime of bullying and being made to be ashamed of my body type and stature had made my confidence in myself rather lackluster. This made the decision more difficult. It would be easy to try and own a sense of pride in being a masculine presenting nonbinary person. There aren’t many of those in representation as I mentioned before, and at the time it made me feel nice to think that it was what I wanted. But those thoughts I had all those years ago did mean something, and thats not who I am. The answer I ultimately came to, was that I am trans, and want to present more feminine than masculine, because that’s who I know I am, and not just what I think would be easiest. So, to bring it all together, how the everloving fuck does this relate to a character from a gacha game? Well, when i first saw Ladiva I nearly wrote her off as a character that probably was used as a disrespectful  joke on trans women and how they’re viewed. She’s not though. She has an entire montra of loving herself and others for who they are and owning every aspect of herself, including her body. She’s not a small lady, she’s a large/muscular wrestler who, in no mistake of words, still looks very masculine, right down to her facial hair. But none of that matters, not her appearance, not her beard, not her height, she’s still a woman and she’s seen as one by the others around her because, well, that’s what she is. She makes it known and others accept, or at the very least, respect it. It was something entirely new to see something like this in a form of popular media, and in turn it gave me an odd sense of self confidence in my own current appearance, even though I do intend on changing it through HRT and other means (exercise and other health related means). It meant a lot to me to see someone who was, in at least some way, like me who was loved by the community of the game she was in. And it still does. In conclusion, Ladiva is a very cool character, and her existing gave me a boost of confidence that helped lead me towards accepting things about myself that I had found it hard to previously. Go look into Granblue if you like games like that, there’s even a fighting game that came out not too long ago. Thanks for reading, if you did, this whole post is long and kind of dumb because I’m kind of dumb. But I wanted to put it somewhere. Have a nice day <3

[chromanebula]

Shoutout of the Day

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I’d like to give a big shout-out to all my trans brothers, trans sisters, and trans siblings today. 

I follow @jackdaw-kraai and their Guides verse religiously. And this past week, someone (I can’t and won’t name names) left a transphobic comment on the story. In response, the lovely Jack (who is proudly trans themself) decided to host a trans positivity weekend on their Tumblr and Discord. While I’m not trans myself, this is my contribution. 

You are amazing. All people of all genders can be amazing.  And honestly? I'm proud of all the people who define their gender, even if I don't understand quite what that means. (I am a philosophy major, so I think about questions like "What is gender, anyway?") Actively identifying as something that wasn't assigned to you is an act of radical self-ownership.

As a Solidarian, I am well aware of the fact that freedom and autonomy can be abused (*ahem* ANTI-MASKERS / ANTI-VAXXERS). All of us, including trans people, have an obligation to keep in mind the needs of the broader community and of those around us, particularly the weakest. But simply being trans is in no way an abuse of autonomy. You know yourself better than anyone else. Your body is yours. Your mind and your soul are yours. You belong to you, not to social and religious authorities who think they know you better than you do. 

A while back, I read the wonderful @fialleril’s Double Agent Vader series, about Vader rediscovering his/their identity as Anakin the rain-bringing chain-breaker by reconnecting to Tatooine. And one line stuck with me: You own yourself. Anakin Ekkreth said this to the droid Kadee, so how much more does it apply to us? Actual slavery is thankfully rare and (mostly)* illegal today, but we are all subject to external forces. COVID-19 has shown us how much the whims of nature can screw with us. Many social and religious authorities try to control others, not because it is necessary for the greater good (as with most COVID restrictions) but simply for the sake of control. So for whoever needs to hear it: You own yourself. Nature doesn’t own you. Karen the TERF doesn’t own you. No pastor or bishop or pope owns you. Not even your parents own you. And if God wants to own you without your cooperation, then he (and this God is always a he) isn’t worth worshipping. In this house, we throw would-be masters down reactor shafts. And we respect all people’s self-declaration and self-determination. 

Because if your name and your pronouns aren’t yours, then what is? Religious authorities (at least the Catholic ones I’m most used to) loooooooooove to talk about gender essentialism. Being a man or a woman touches every part of your life. And you know what? If they’re right, that is all the more reason to be trans-affirming. If you try to force someone to live in a body and to play a gender role that doesn’t suit them, you are violating the deepest part of their personhood. You are acting as an oppressor. And you need to stop. Yesterday. You may not realize this now, but you can educate yourself. You can learn about trans people and their experiences. Trans experiences are alien to cis people, but this means it’s time to use some empathy. How would you like other people to treat you, if you were being assigned to a body and/or an essential role that didn’t suit you? 

But anyway, back to all the trans peeps out there. TL;DR: You are awesome, you are worth it, and nobody gets to define you but you. Especially in the light of constraints by nature and by others, it’s important to assert yourself, especially the deepest parts of you. Should you transition blindly? No. Please talk to a doctor and a counselor. If you can make peace with your body and just transition socially, that may be better. But ultimately, do whatever you need to do. Be whoever you need to be, because that’s who you are. And NO ONE and NOTHING gets to take you away from you.

[strangeharpy]

Yelling into the void about gender and sexuality under the cut.

I think the problem I struggle with when it comes to identifying as a lesbian is the fact that I'm not a woman. I'm 100% not a man, either, despite the fact that I do engage with masculinity. But I feel like that makes me butch rather than transmasc because I'm coming at it from a place divorced of manhood.

But there's still the snag that I'm absolutely not a woman. I'd been exposed to the concept of butch women who are lesbians in the past, and while I adore them, I never identified with them fully because womanhood never felt like something I was connected to. Not because I felt like I wasn't allowed to but because it just felt bad.

Part of it is just that I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the way the word "lesbian" is shifting. When/where I was growing up, "lesbian" pretty rigidly referred to women who were interested in women. There wasn't a lot of room for non-binary folks in that equation, so I used to ID as bi because I like people of my own (lack of) gender and other genders (mostly women and femme-leaning nonbinary people and the occasional dude thrown in because why the fuck not).

I know that's been shifting for the past several years and that some definitions of it now broadly refer to people who are not men who are exclusively interested in people who are not men. And I'm definitely not a man, and I'm definitely interested in people who are not men. I've also pretty much decided that I'm not interested in pursuing any sort of romantic/sexual relationship with men anymore, even if I still find the occasional man (Zhu Yilong, Gong Jun, and Jiang Mingyang, I'm looking at y'all) easy on the eyes. This is in addition to the fact that I've found a lot of sapphic content hella relatable for years now.

So, where does that leave me? I feel like the term lesbian does describe a lot of how I experience attraction these days. I feel like there's a lot of history behind the word (both good and bad) that I'd like to learn more about. A lot of the lesbians I know have been very encouraging about exploring a lesbian identity even as someone who is disconnected from womanhood.

I'm just afraid, I guess. Afraid of being an impostor (especially since I have been attracted to and engaged in relationships with men in the past). Afraid of intruding somewhere I don't belong.

But ultimately I feel like I can relate a lot to this identity. I find myself thinking "I wish I could be a lesbian" frequently, which (if my stints thinking "I wish I could be queer" and "I wish I could be trans" are any indicator) is probably a sign that I am a lesbian.

All that to say that I want to be a lesbian and it's worth exploring the concept of being a lesbian and if it doesn't fit then that is fine, but if it does fit, then that's fine too. And until I figure it out, I'll go ahead and try on the word to see if it fits.

[pridebooks]

It’s Trans Day of Visibility, so have some books!!

Full list of books (with synopses) under the cut.

First picture: Books by trans authors (most also have trans characters)

Memoirs of a Man’s Maiden Years by N. O. Body - "I was born a boy, raised as a girl. . . . One may raise a healthy boy in as womanish a manner as one wishes, and a female creature in as mannish; never will this cause their senses to remain forever reversed." So writes the pseudonymous N. O. Body, born in 1884 with ambiguous genitalia and assigned a female identity in early infancy. Brought up as a girl, "she" nevertheless asserted stereotypical male behavior from early on. In the end, it was a passionate love affair with a married woman that brought matters to a head. Desperately confused, suicidally depressed, and in consultation with Magnus Hirschfeld, one of the most eminent and controversial sexologists of the day, "she" decided to become "he." N. O. Body was identified as Karl M. Baer (he/him).

Spy Stuff by Matthew J. Metzger - Anton never thought anyone would ever want to date him. Everyone knows nobody wants a transgender boyfriend, right? So he's as shocked as anyone when seemingly-straight Jude Kalinowski asks him out, and doesn't appear to be joking.The only problem is ... well, Jude doesn't actually know.Anton can see how this will play out: Jude is a nice guy, and nice guys finish last. And Anton is transgender, and transgender people don't get happy endings. If he tells Jude, it might destroy everything.And if Jude tells anyone else ... it will. Matthew J. Metzger (he/him) is a queer trans man.

I Wish You All The Best by Mason Deaver - When Ben De Backer comes out to their parents as nonbinary, they're thrown out of their house and forced to move in with their estranged older sister, Hannah, and her husband, Thomas, whom Ben has never even met. Struggling with an anxiety disorder compounded by their parents' rejection, they come out only to Hannah, Thomas, and their therapist and try to keep a low profile in a new school.But Ben's attempts to survive the last half of senior year unnoticed are thwarted when Nathan Allan, a funny and charismatic student, decides to take Ben under his wing. As Ben and Nathan's friendship grows, their feelings for each other begin to change, and what started as a disastrous turn of events looks like it might just be a chance to start a happier new life.At turns heartbreaking and joyous, I Wish You All the Best is both a celebration of life, friendship, and love, and a shining example of hope in the face of adversity Mason Deaver (they/them) is nonbinary.

George by Alex Gino -When people look at George, they think they see a boy. But she knows she's not a boy. She knows she's a girl.George thinks she'll have to keep this a secret forever. Then her teacher announces that their class play is going to be Charlotte's Web. George really, really, REALLY wants to play Charlotte. But the teacher says she can't even try out for the part . . . because she's a boy.With the help of her best friend, Kelly, George comes up with a plan. Not just so she can be Charlotte -- but so everyone can know who she is, once and for all. Alex Gino (they/them) is genderqueer.

Starglass by Phoebe North -  Terra has never known anything but life aboard the Asherah, a city-within-a-spaceship that left Earth five hundred years ago in search of refuge. At sixteen, working a job that doesn't interest her, and living with a grieving father who only notices her when he's yelling, Terra is sure that there has to be more to life than what she's got. But when she inadvertently witnesses the captain's guard murdering an innocent man, Terra is suddenly thrust into the dark world beneath her ship's idyllic surface. As she's drawn into a secret rebellion determined to restore power to the people, Terra discovers that her choices may determine life or death for the people she cares most about. With mere months to go before landing on the long-promised planet, Terra has to make the decision of a lifetime--one that will determine the fate of her people. Phoebe North (they/them) is genderqueer.

Power Surge by Sara Codair - Erin has just realized that for the entirety of their life, their family has lied to them. Their Sight has been masked for years, so Erin thought the Pixies and Mermaids were hallucinations. Not only are the supernatural creatures they see daily real, but their grandmother is an Elf, meaning Erin isn’t fully human. On top of that, the dreams Erin thought were nightmares are actually prophecies.While dealing with the anger they have over all of the lies, they are getting used to their new boyfriend, their boyfriend's bullying ex, and the fact that they come from a family of Demon Hunters. As Erin struggles through everything weighing on them, they uncover a Demon plot to take over the world.Erin just wants some time to work through it all on their own terms, but that's going to have to wait until after they help save the world. Sara Codair (they/she) is nonbinary.

Out of Salem by Hal Schrieve - When genderqueer fourteen-year-old Z Chilworth wakes from death after a car crash that killed their parents and sisters, they have to adjust quickly to their new status as a zombie. Always a talented witch, Z can now barely perform magic and is rapidly decaying. Faced with rejection from their remaining family members and old friends, Z moves in with Mrs. Dunnigan, an elderly witch, and befriends Aysel, a loud would-be-goth classmate who is, like Z, a loner. As Z struggles to find a way to repair the broken magical seal holding their body together, Aysel fears that her classmates will discover her status as an unregistered werewolf. When a local psychiatrist is murdered in an apparent werewolf attack, the town of Salem, Oregon, becomes even more hostile to monsters, and Z and Aysel are driven together in an attempt to survive a place where most people wish that neither of them existed. Hal Schrieve (xie/hir) is a genderfluid trans man.

This is Kind of an Epic Love Story by Kacen Callender - Nathan Bird doesn’t believe in happy endings. Although he’s the ultimate film buff and an aspiring screenwriter, Nate’s seen the demise of too many relationships to believe that happy endings exist in real life.Playing it safe to avoid a broken heart has been his MO ever since his father died and left his mom to unravel—but this strategy is not without fault. His best-friend-turned-girlfriend-turned-best-friend-again, Florence, is set on making sure Nate finds someone else. And in a twist that is rom-com-worthy, someone does come along: Oliver James Hernández, his childhood best friend.After a painful mix-up when they were little, Nate finally has the chance to tell Ollie the truth about his feelings. But can Nate find the courage to pursue his own happily ever after?  Kacen Callender (they/them) is a demiboy.

Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee - Captain Kel Cheris of the hexarchate is disgraced for using unconventional methods in a battle against heretics. Kel Command gives her the opportunity to redeem herself by retaking the Fortress of Scattered Needles, a star fortress that has recently been captured by heretics. Cheris’s career isn’t the only thing at stake. If the fortress falls, the hexarchate itself might be next.Cheris’s best hope is to ally with the undead tactician Shuos Jedao. The good news is that Jedao has never lost a battle, and he may be the only one who can figure out how to successfully besiege the fortress.The bad news is that Jedao went mad in his first life and massacred two armies, one of them his own. As the siege wears on, Cheris must decide how far she can trust Jedao–because she might be his next victim. Yoon Ha Lee (he/him) is a trans man.

Second pic: Books with trans characters

Gracefully Grayson by Ami Polonsky -  Alone at home, twelve-year-old Grayson Sender glows, immersed in beautiful thoughts and dreams. But at school, Grayson grasps at shadows, determined to fly under the radar. Because Grayson has been holding onto a secret for what seems like forever: “he” is a girl on the inside, stuck in the wrong gender’s body.The weight of this secret is crushing, but leaving it behind would mean facing ridicule, scorn, and rejection. Despite these dangers, Grayson’s true self itches to break free. Strengthened by an unexpected friendship and a caring teacher who gives her a chance to step into the spotlight, Grayson might finally have the tools to let her inner light shine.

Beautiful Music for Ugly Children by Kirstin Cronn-Mills - "This is Beautiful Music for Ugly Children, on community radio 90.3, KZUK. I'm Gabe. Welcome to my show."My birth name is Elizabeth, but I'm a guy. Gabe. My parents think I've gone crazy and the rest of the world is happy to agree with them, but I know I'm right. I've been a boy my whole life.When you think about it, I'm like a record. Elizabeth is my A side, the song everybody knows, and Gabe is my B side--not heard as often, but just as good.It's time to let my B side play.

Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin - The first thing you’re going to want to know about me is: Am I a boy, or am I a girl?Riley Cavanaugh is many things: Punk rock. Snarky. Rebellious. And gender fluid. Some days Riley identifies as a boy, and others as a girl. The thing is…Riley isn’t exactly out yet. And between starting a new school and having a congressman father running for reelection in uber-conservative Orange County, the pressure—media and otherwise—is building up in Riley’s so-called “normal” life.On the advice of a therapist, Riley starts an anonymous blog to vent those pent-up feelings and tell the truth of what it’s REALLY like to be a gender fluid teenager. But just as Riley’s starting to settle in at school—even developing feelings for a mysterious outcast—the blog goes viral, and an unnamed commenter discovers Riley’s real identity, threatening exposure. Riley must make a choice: walk away from what the blog has created—a lifeline, new friends, a cause to believe in—or stand up, come out, and risk everything.

The Art of Being Normal by Lisa Williamson - David Piper has always been an outsider. His parents think he's gay. The school bully thinks he’s a freak. Only his two best friends know the real truth: David wants to be a girl.On the first day at his new school Leo Denton has one goal: to be invisible. Attracting the attention of the most beautiful girl in his class is definitely not part of that plan. When Leo stands up for David in a fight, an unlikely friendship forms. But things are about to get messy. Because at Eden Park School secrets have a funny habit of not staying secret for long…

Mask of Shadows by Linsey Miller - Sallot Leon is a thief, and a good one at that. But gender fluid Sal wants nothing more than to escape the drudgery of life as a highway robber and get closer to the upper-class—and the nobles who destroyed their home.When Sal steals a flyer for an audition to become a member of The Left Hand—the Queen’s personal assassins, named after the rings she wears—Sal jumps at the chance to infiltrate the court and get revenge.But the audition is a fight to the death filled with clever circus acrobats, lethal apothecaries, and vicious ex-soldiers. A childhood as a common criminal hardly prepared Sal for the trials. And as Sal succeeds in the competition, and wins the heart of Elise, an intriguing scribe at court, they start to dream of a new life and a different future, but one that Sal can have only if they survive.

The Past and Other Things That Should Stay Buried by Shaun David Hutchinson - A good friend will bury your body, a best friend will dig you back up.Dino doesn’t mind spending time with the dead. His parents own a funeral home, and death is literally the family business. He’s just not used to them talking back. Until Dino’s ex-best friend July dies suddenly—and then comes back to life. Except not exactly. Somehow July is not quite alive, and not quite dead.As Dino and July attempt to figure out what’s happening, they must also confront why and how their friendship ended so badly, and what they have left to understand about themselves, each other, and all those grand mysteries of life.

I Was Born For This by Alice Oseman -  For Angel Rahimi, life is only about one thing: The Ark – a pop-rock trio of teenage boys who are currently taking the world by storm. Being part of The Ark’s fandom has given her everything – her friendships, her dreams, her place in the world. Jimmy Kaga-Ricci owes everything to The Ark too. He’s their frontman – and playing in a band is all he’s ever dreamed of doing. It’s just a shame that recently everything in his life seems to have turned into a bit of a nightmare. Because that’s the problem with dreaming – eventually, inevitably, real life arrives with a wake-up call. And when Angel and Jimmy are unexpectedly thrust together, they will discover just how strange and surprising facing up to reality can be.

The Pants Project by Cat Clarke - Whoever wrote the uniform policy decided (whyyy?) that girls had to wear skirts, while boys were allowed to wear pants. Sexist. Dumb. Unfair. “Girls must wear a black, pleated, knee-length skirt.” I bet I read those words a hundred times during summer vacation. The problem wasn’t the last word in that sentence. Skirt wasn’t really the issue, not for me. The issue was the first word. Girls. Here’s the thing: I may seem like a girl, but on the inside, I’m a boy.

[reaperindisguise]

I've added a read more because I start to ramble, so feel free to ignore if you're not interested. I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

With tomorrow being pansexual visibility day, it reminds of every year I hate to think about the discourse surrounding it. When I was 14, I came out as bisexual. All I knew at the time in my little town in Ireland was that gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans were a thing. Nothing more. As time went on and I started learning more about different sexualities and genders, I found my own starting to fluctuate. I thought I could have been demiromantic or lithromantic while still being bisexual and then I started to realise I didn't really care about who my partners gender would be.

At that time, maybe around 2015ish, the hearts not parts slogan was going around for pansexual and I thought it was a good representation of how I felt. I remember even saying the words "I don't care what their gender is, just so long as they have a good personality and a nice taste in music". I was a stupid 18 year old, having never had a boyfriend at the time, the term boyfriend being mainly used as I hadn't came out to my parents and even at 24, I still haven't really come out.

When I started identifying as pansexual it was difficult to explain to those who didn't understand but mainly I think people just told me they understood so that I wouldn't go on about it. At 19 I had my first relationship with a boy and spent the next 3 years hearing the words "She's bisexual". Now, I took offence to that because I told him clearly what I used for my identity, and he just kept brushing me aside. At this point in time, the pan/bi discourse was becoming a big thing and I was hating myself for using the term, even to a point of wondering should I use something else, should I be using bisexual?

I pushed through it, deciding that I would continue to use it and ultimately my sexuality is the one thing I haven't questioned in years. After dating that boy, I fell for another, following into the stereotypes and having a straight passing relationship with him, even though I had originally expressed wanting to have experiences with someone who identified as female. We've been together almost 2 and a half years, and yea on occasions he forgets I'm not straight but what I've found is that my sexuality, while still true to pansexual, doesn't control my relationship the way it did before. The main difference being, I finally got the acceptance I was looking for. The acceptance I deserved, even if I couldn't be honest with my parents, when away from home I could be truly me.

So with pansexual visibility day tomorrow, I have realised this year that I'm more proud of my sexuality than I've ever been. Proud to be apart of a community and a group of people that are accepting of me.

The only downside is that my gender identity is not so easy, but that's something I'll figure out another day

[itsclydebitches]

So this is a old conversation, but way back with the Nora stuff you talked about how dysphoria wasn't needed to be trans. Is the reverse true? I don't consider myself trans, but do wish I was in a womans body. I guess I don't experience dysphoria, but do wish my body was different. Is that weird or offensive? I don't think 'm trans either since I am fine being called a man. idk I'm not sure how to classify myself. I guess is gender fluid the right term?

Speaking as someone who is queer but not trans---so my opinion here is just that, an opinion, not any attempt to make claims about a sub-community I’m not a part of---I think it’s easy to forget that the full definition of “transgender” that I’m aware of is having a gender identity that does not correspond with the sex/gender that was assigned at birth. Because we still live in a world that, in many place, defines both gender and sex as a binary, it’s easy to start thinking of trans as an “opposite.” You were told you were a boy but really you’re a girl, or you were told you were a girl but are really a boy. That’s how it tends to be framed (usually unintentionally, sometimes not) but if this binary doesn’t exist... then obviously things are far, far more complicated than that. Sex, gender, and physical presentation all come in a huge variety of options, so when you slam all three together you get any number of possibilities. If “You’re a girl/boy” is too rigid to describe that trifecta, one definition of being trans---you must identify with that “opposite,” you must experience dysphoria, you must want to transition, your idea of transitioning must align with binary norms of what a man or woman looks like---is of course going to be far too rigid too. Hearing, “I consider myself trans because I want to be in another body than the one I ended up with” sounds perfectly “right” to me. As does, “I’d like a different body but that doesn’t mean I necessarily despise the one I have.” And, “I want a woman’s body but prefer male pronouns. Or I just don’t mind being called a man.” To provide a similar-ish example: I prefer that people use my nickname, but that doesn’t mean having someone use my full name causes me distress. Using someone else’s full name might indeed cause them great distress, but we’re two different people with different needs. We humans are COMPLICATED AF but for the ease of communication we tend to simplify things a great deal. We say things like, “Well if you want a woman’s body then that must mean you hate having a man’s body and everything else that comes with it” because it’s easier to understand that narrative than the one laid out above, but that doesn’t necessarily make it true. That is the case for many trans people, but not all. 

Ultimately, labels are meant to serve us so I think people should adopt labels that they believe fit them, they feel comfortable with, and they find to be useful. I emphasize “they” because given that it’s a massive world filled with different people, with different perspectives, and with different kinds of knowledge, you’re going to encounter people who believe they know your identity better than you do. I’ve had people tell me I’m not bi because I’m attracted to more than two genders (bi means only two). Because gender isn’t something I think about much in regards to my own attraction (you’re obviously pan then). Because my attraction isn’t perfectly balanced (okay so then you’re probably just a lesbian). Though delivered in an unhelpful manner, the questions behind those statements are valid because defining your identity can be really confusing and it’s worth asking yourself, “Does this feel right? Do I want to change what I’m calling myself?” It can be a lifelong journey that you’re constantly updating. Right now, at this point in my life, I’ve decided that “bi” is the label I’m most comfortable with for a variety of reasons... but there are plenty of people out there who would reject my own experience and my agency over my own identity because that experience doesn’t fit their rigid definition. So that’s something to fortify yourself against. If you say “I don’t consider myself trans” than it sounds like you’re not trans... but maybe your understanding of that label and your own identity will change later. Or not. Maybe you decide that “gender fluid” is the right term to use. Maybe not. Ultimately I don’t think any one word can ever encompass every possibility. What fits perfectly for one person is going to be ill-fitting on another, but until our language updates that’s what we have to work with. Even if it does update certain terms will remain better known, understood, and accepted, so you might want to use one just for that convenience.  

In short, there are a lot of options out there and a lot of nuance. At the end of the day I think the major takeaways are: 

1. Know that there isn’t necessarily one perfect label for you to discover. That’s okay

2. Know that if you find one you’re comfortable with other people might be mad about it. Try to ignore them 

3. Know that you don’t need to find a label right away. Or even at all. I have friends who when asked about their gender go, “Well...” and provide an explanation like yours because they haven’t yet found a word that easily encompasses all that. Other friends use labels they’re not totally happy with because they don’t want to give that very personal spiel and saying “trans” or “gender fluid” is just a better way to move the conversation along. It depends on what you want and need at this point in time. So keep working through it, but if you’re not hitting on one “perfect” answer know that’s okay too 💜

[werevulvi]

At this point I feel like I'm just floating between two identities. Like what does it really matter what I decide to call myself? Says the desperate and jaded. I feel like I need to juggle my two different perspectives for a while. I will mostly use tumblr for it when I lean more gender critical, and probably use fb instead when I lean more towards trans thinking, until I figure this shit out for sure. Thus, I will keep being a dysphoric woman here on tumblr, and nonbinary on my fb account. That way I can juggle my two conflicting sides without feeling too much pressure to "just make sense already."

To clarify, my views are mainly gender critical, but it wouldn't be wrong to say that I'm still flirting with TRA views on gender, dysphoria and transition. Essentially, bio sex is the only actually scientifically proven and tangible thing about this all. Laws etc should be based on sex. Sexual attraction is based on sex. Then dysphoria is also a real medical condition, like it's an actual distress and I don't think it's solely caused by social factors. There are lots of different types of dysphoria, alright. As for gender, however... I don't believe in it, but... basically I just respect that other people have an inner sense of gender (like that's their interpretation of their feelings) while I'm still highly critical of WHY they have that interpretation. And I can’t fit myself into my old thinking of gender at all anymore. It is completely alien to me. The spell has broken and I cannot cast it again.

As for my dysphoria, basically what I'm dealing with is (a probably very rare kind of) atypical dysphoria. I like some aspects of female on my body, but not all. I like some aspects of male on my body, but not all. I feel like I should look like a hybrid of male and female, and I feel both belonging and disconnect to/from womanhood and manhood. It is a constant push and pull in both directions, uncomfortably kneading me into a serene middle-ground. That middle-ground is not a compromise; it is a very peaceful and harmonic place for me to be. It's where I'm relieved of my dysphoria. I used to avoid it my whole life, until I finally stopped fighting myself. There is tranquility here, at this inbetween, that I didn't know existed. I'm clearly dysphoric, but I am not FtM - I'm FtX. I do not give a single fuck if you think nonbinary is real or not. What I'm telling you now is: this is my dysphoria and it simply is what it is. Then what you wish to call it and what I wish to call it does not matter.

Anyhow. I just wanted to give that little debrief of my dysphoria so that you'd hopefully understand why I'm struggling so much with labels, because it's not so straight-forward. Another thing I very much want to clarify is that labels are means of communication for me - NOT identity. Just like I use the label lesbian to communicate what my sexual orientation is. That has a clear purpose. For the same reason we call ourselves men or women: it has a clear purpose. Then my question to myself, my oh so eternal question, is: what is the best label for me to communicate to others what I am and/or how I wish to be perceived?

Problem 1: What I wish to communicate (that I'm a bio female person who's happily transitioned) is not the same as what I wish to be seen as (person of indeterminate gender.)

I don't know how to feel about that what I'm mostly assumed to be a male who identifies as a woman. Do I feel bad, ashamed or guilty, for looking like a bad stereotype of trans women? Yes. I think I fear that I will come across as mocking trans women, because my looks are deliberate. I feel bad for copying gnc men. My affinity for feminine stuff like lipstick and dresses, and my absolute refusal to let go of those things, makes me feel guilty in a feminist sense. I don't believe that the way I use femininity is harmful for myself, because I've adapted it to fit my needs of comfort as well as my social goals with it. It is not sexual, it is not restraining or hindering. It is not adhering to societal standards of beauty - if anything it's mocking that.

Yes, I am mocking femininity, but I also use it because it makes me feel less naked, and more expressive. I'm always accompanying my femininity with strong masculine features such as deliberately visible facial hair and body hair, etc. My femininity is not my womanhood, but it is a highly important way for me to express my personality, symbolically. I do not want for people to oogle my naked body, or a careless sack of clothing that I've rushed into - I want for them to see my personality, so that they'll get an idea of who I am before talking to me. But despite all that... I still feel guilty for being genuinely feminine. How can I be authentic, if no matter where I turn, I feel guilt, shame, or fear?

Problem 2: As soon as I claim the nonbinary label I miss calling myself a woman, and as soon as I claim myself as a woman, I miss calling myself nonbinary.

Do I have a gender? Yes and no. It depends on how I look at it. Do I need to have a gender? Not really, but it's easier in most aspects of socialising if I do, because of my appearance. Do I want to have a gender? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

I feel like I went into the gender store and bought too many. Now I sit here with a useless pile of trash that cost a fortune. I am terrified to get rid of it. There will be consequences if I do. I've been building up to this moment for almost two years. I am still building up to it. The pile is stinking and I need to take it out to the garbage disposal, but I can't make myself do it. What if I'll need it later? I'm too nostalgic for my own good.

Problem 3: When I don't want to have a gender I'm a proud woman based on my sex, but when I do want a gender, nonbinary feels more right. I can't really make a gender in my brain and then stick to it. I keep picking it up, then tossing it away, then picking it up, then tossing it away, and so on. I want to have the gender cake and eat it at the same time. Sometimes I feel proud to be woman, who takes testosterone and loves her lesbian pussy. But then it gets increasingly uncomfortable and I'd just rather not be anything specific. Then I flip to view myself as a hybrid of man and woman and that feels comfortable and uplifting. Until it doesn't anymore and I miss taking pride in being a woman, and I just don't know what the fuck is up with that.

Perhaps my "identity" is split off from my dysphoria? I dunno what I meant with that thought. Perhaps it came from my lack of social dysphoria. It's just social anxiety over looking weird.

Oh I wish I could try living in a perfect society with no sexism, and see if I'd then always be comfortable with calling myself a woman and freely be this bearded, deep-voiced, charming lady in a gothy dress, wine red lipstick and a pearl necklace, with no need to beat myself up for not being "woman enough." Because I worry that is why I keep reaching for the nonbinary label. Maybe it is out of fear? Maybe the reason I feel good about calling myself nonbinary is rooted in just wanting to be left alone to be a beautifully virilized woman, because I'm never given the chance to be that kinda woman.

It breaks my heart. You know that? You should.

No matter how much testosterone I take and no matter how much I love the effects of it... I am forever female and I love that too. No way in this despicable hell... would I ever want my sex erased. It's profoundly important to me, and such is my transition. I think that is why I stand with one foot in self-loving and the other in the medical result of dysphoria. My body is a cocktail of this and that, a little bit tit for tat, and I revel in its strange combination of exquisite flavours.

I feel like I have transcended the concept of gender, but as a happily transitioned, dysphoric woman, I have a very hard time conveying that to the rest of my little world, and the world at large. What is a woman who is happily transitioned to a goal that falsely mimmics the visual effects of certain intersex and hormonal conditions? Who am I to glorify the visual results of others' suffering? Oh I dunno, but I probably have more respect for them than I do for myself, if that counts as an excuse.

What am I? And how do I move forward in society, as honestly as possible?

What I am... is in the eye of the beholder. Depending on your ideology, you will have a different opinion (boldly assuming that you'd even care at all) but what I think is... there is no one correct answer. Thus, in my desperate search for that one true answer, I cannot win. All I can do is pick whatever makes me the most comfortable, but the only thing that would soothe me is the ultimate truth. (No, that's not it. Keep scrambling.)

I have become a biologist obsessed with finding the truth of God with a microscope. No wonder people are beginning to question my sanity.

("Are you okay?" Uhm no, I don't think so.)

What I need to figure out, is if gender serves me, and if "woman" serves me. But they both do, and I have to make a choice. There I stand, finding that they both serve me, unable to make a choice.

(Somewhere around here, I started going off on a tangent and lost myself in the endless whirls of my heart and mind. So I rolled back the tape, and here I am again. The rest in an over-write.)

How do I see myself? I see myself both as a woman and as nonbinary. Sometimes I need my gender, sometimes I don't. What I am is still the same, but there are many different ways to label me correctly, and THAT is what chafes at me.

Problem 4: I do not want to have a politically charged label. Woman has become a political statement for me, because of my appearance contradicting that statement, and the statement contradicts my dysphoria. It being so politically charged makes me uncomfortable. I wish to just exist as a woman, not declare myself as one. Nonbinary is equally a political statement, of rejecting gender norms which are harmful to everyone. Nonbinary strips the bearer of their sex, and releases the pressure on them to conform. There is the catch. Woman, instead strips the bearer of the freedom to not conform, but releases the pressure of gender. And there I think I've hit the nail on the head. What I wish for... is a label which does not strip me of my sex, nor forces me into conformity to look like my sex. Woman should be that label, but the only way it can ever be... is to put on that armour and fight for it, which I don't want to.

The label woman is too heavy for me, as a male-passing female, to bear in this gender-obsessed world - while nonbinary feels like a betrayal, both to myself and all other women. Nonbinary feels like a happy fantasy, until it shatters upon my realisation that it is not real. Woman feels like the powerful authenticity from the bottom of my chromosomes, until reality hits that it's a very difficult label for me to wear. Then I run away scared into my happy fantasy, but I am tired of continuously shattering and rebuilding myself.

What I want is to fully embrace my womanhood, without running back to the trans community again and again, to cry about how cruel reality is, and please validate my special trans feelings, which of course... the zombies do. I feel like I have Stockholm Syndrome for the trans community. I feel hurt by its sexism and homophobia, which is aimed directly at me as a gender-breaking woman and as a female-exclusive lesbian, yet I keep running back to it, pleading for validation as the utter coward I am! Because I am terrified of being a woman and a lesbian in the real world... while looking like this. I love the way I look, but I am scared and I am ashamed of facing my reflection with pride, as a woman. Because that means something more. It doesn't "just" mean that I'm female, it also means that when I with pride call myself a woman... I am reclaiming the one thing which I ought not to. No one shames a trans man or dysphoric enby for wanting a beard and loving taking testosterone... but the second a "cis" woman does? You know that is different. Cis is a lie, but I am real. I'm a woman, and I love testosterone flowing through my veins. My true beliefs... lie with radfem, and I'm only "making space" for gender in those beliefs to not hurt my loved ones' feelings.

How am I supposed to handle and move beyond this? Will it ever get easier?

Problem 5: It's not the nonbinary bush I have been beating around... it's the radfem bush. I have not been honest about my sense of self, anywhere else than here on tumblr. I do not want a gender label on my feelings. Gender is so harmful and I need to stop being its martyr. Can I accept and respect other people for having genders? Sure, whatever, I don't particularly care what people choose to call their feelings, as long as laws aren't being built around those feelings. But I can't for the life of me stop squirming at the idea of ME having a gender again. It is uncomfortable. Get the fucking parasite off me! Gender has been poisoning me again lately. It was a mistake to look into it again. It has been clouding my vision, because I forgot what truly matters: To look like whichever gender expression I wish, to act out whichever gender role I want, to treat my dysphoria however I see fit for myself, but not to lie about what I am: female=woman.

Problem 6: I am free without gender, but I am also incredibly vulnerable. As if I was completely naked before the whole world. Then even wearing a clown suit feels better in comparison.

Solution: I need to break up with the trans community. That toxic relationship has been going on for way too long now. I don't care if I lose all of my friends over it. I need to break free, and liberate my womanhood, because I have been shackling her. No matter how hard it is. I need to face my fear, guilt and shame. I need to tell myself that it's okay to hurt, but that it will get better. I need to stop reaching for nonbinary whenever I feel scared and ashamed to be a woman. I can cry about how hard it is... but never give up.

My dysphoria does not define me, and I refuse to let it.

[eveninglottie]

write what you want regardless of the genders. it's better to spit the story out and then go back and revise then get hung up on whether or not every interaction or plot point could be part of an 800 word call-out tweet-longer that briefly trends on fanfic twitter. everyone comes at fiction from their own distinct background. you could write the most 'pure' romance ever, regardless of the genders, and it could still inadvertently trigger someone or raise concerns. comfort can be misleading.

so I don’t want you to think I’m disagreeing with you here, because you’re right. people spend way too much time thinking out the possible doomsday scenarios of what they might do instead of just doing it to see what happens. I am one of those people, for sure, it’s stopped me from doing pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted to do my whole life, so we’re on the same page here with both the concept of not worrying about what other people will think and also how no one holds the magic gatekeeping key which dictates what is problematic or not. every person is different and some things will upset people in a way that doesn’t upset you. that’s just a given. 

but I think that’s not really helpful when you’re trying to figure out your own motivations for doing something. 

like, yes, is a lot of this affected by how I think other people will react to things I create? of course. everything i do will be affected by how I think other people will react. that’s just how my brain works, and it’s my job to keep growing more confident in myself to counteract that (because the older you get you really do give less of a fuck and boy it’s so nice!!) what I was trying to bring up in that post was my own reasons for feeling more comfortable writing one thing than another. 

because I just think it’s fascinating and complicated and I’ve mentioned more than once to friends that it really just surprised me how freeing writing m/m has been vs m/f. it’s like my descent into sk was this moment of enlightenment when I realized “hey this is a hell of a lot easier to talk about when there are two boys involved!” like I realize that the majority of my writing the past two years has been on my own, and even though I can tell you’ve I’ve written well over 500k words and only posted maybe a fifth of that I can’t prove what I’m about to say so you’re just going to have to take my word for it, BUT I’ve included so much more discussion about sexuality and how characters express it and grow with it and figure out for themselves what they are. like it was never a thing I thought about a lot when I was writing my m/f fics (even tho all the women were still bi but that’s a whole other barrel of monkeys). it was never me sitting down and interrogating my choice for writing that pairing the way I did. I just did it. (I didn’t stop to consider the gender is what I mean, I thought about literally all the other things but gender and sexuality were not included in that) but now there’s a whole other sphere of characterization that I keep finding myself drawn to, and even without realizing it, it becomes a big part of how I write certain characters. (like deciding to write keith as demi while still being sexually and physically attracted to shiro has been really eye opening for me as someone on the asexual spectrum.)

because like, for example, I wrote a fem!bilbo fic, right? so clearly I was thinking about gender a bit, but most of that had to do with me having always reimagined that story (and lotr) with female protagonists. that’s what I did with a lot of childhood faves, actually, eragon, harry potter being two of the most prominent, and thinking about fem!bilbo and how that would change the story especially if she was in a relationship with thorin and the shire was maybe a bit more stifling for a woman, etc. - BUT that was one of those pairings that I’d never been drawn to when it was m/m. I couldn’t really get into it, and I was not a fan of the hobbit movies at all, honestly, and I tried, and it was only when I switched things around did that fic click for me, but I wonder a lot if I were to have come to hobbit fic later, after I’d gotten over my aversion to m/m (not in general, just me writing it, because reasons), would I have written it with bilbo as a boy? would I have been less likely to imagine bilbo as a woman? or was it a number of factors that led me to write that fic which really couldn’t have existed in any other incarnation, and would it have been a different fic entirely?

(the hp thing in particular is SO WEIRD to think about now because a lot of what I’ve been grappling with in my drarry fic is very male-centric? not like in a bad way, just thinking about the rivalry and bonds between boys and how boys look up to their male mentors and authority figures in very different ways than they do their female counterparts and also what does being interested in other boys do to one’s internalized and very misogynistic/homophobic ideas of Legacy and Family and Proper Gender Expression specifically when it comes to sex with other men like it’s Very Gendered in my head and it’s hard to separate that from what I used to be interested in which has expressed itself in other ways, specifically roslyn as chosen one in ascendant which I’ve said before was the result of a decade of rewriting those boy heroes as girls because I felt so connected to them and wanted girls to be every bit as important as boys, like I could draw a straight line from me writing bits and bobs of girl!harry as a fourteen year old and me writing roslyn in ascendant and wow I kind of want to punch myself in the face for how long I’ve rambled on about my own stuff but you know what no this is my tumblr and I get to obsessively and exhaustively talk about my own fictional worlds if I want to)

so it’s been a bit of a mindfuck trying to reconcile this shift in my own interests with the fact that I am a woman who identifies as largely asexual. and I think it’s important to sit down with yourself every once in a while and really look at the things you produce and do some self-examination. because I do wonder a lot if my comfort writing m/m now is because of this lack of pressure I normally feel when writing female characters or if it’s because I don’t have to interact with Me As Author so much when I write about boys because I am not a boy or if it’s because I feel a lot more comfortable identifying as queer when for the majority of my life I’d forced myself to be straight even though it didn’t feel right. 

then there’s the whole conversation about women writing m/m and how a lot of queer men feel they’re being fetishized or that their stories are being appropriated by women, in the same way that white people writing stories about people of color can be appropriative, men writing about women, straights writing about lgbtq+, cis people writing about trans or genderqueer people, et cetera with literally any minority being written by someone not from that minority, right? 

and I think it’s a bit reductive to say that it doesn’t matter. because it does matter. you’re right in saying that it matters to someone and I think the job of anyone who creates any kind of content is to think about that and be mindful that you don’t create in a vacuum. your art has power even if you don’t think it does, if you don’t want it to, and that’s something no one should take for granted.

now, I am not saying that certain people do not have the right to write certain stories. no one has the right to write anything, just as no one is forbidden from writing anything. and no one writing anything should be harassed for writing something that people perceive is out of their wheelhouse (because a lot of marginalizations are not visible! abuse, disability, sexual orientation, gender identity, whether you’re neurotypical or not! and there’s no requirement that you make public your trauma/identity to provide cred! in fact it’s kind of horrific that anyone thinks this!) it’s a complicated dynamic but the more we talk about these things the easier it is when a marginalized person says, “hey this thing you wrote is kind of bad,” the writer can go “oh man I’m sorry, let me think about it and see what I did wrong so I can do better in the future” OR “oh wow I see what you mean, but this is important to me” and the reader can go “I respect your right to write what you want and in the future I’ll do more to shield myself from this kind of content” instead of Cancelling someone because they didn’t effectively prostrate themselves before the ultimate judges of problematic content, a bunch of randos on the internet.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, yes, I agree with you that it’s not necessary to worry about this stuff, and that a lot of it is energy wasted especially when you’re worrying about theoretical responses from people who read your stuff, but that’s not helpful to me, because I think that’s disregarding the fact that we live in a society with weird power dynamics that are constantly shifting. I think it’s my job as someone who is mentally capable of dealing with this kind of self-examination to push back on some of these things when I can. because if I didn’t challenge myself every once in a while, I wouldn’t grow as a person or a writer and if there was one mantra I would live my life by besides the assertion that I would be blissfully happy if I downloaded my consciousness into a robot body, it would be that You Have To Be Okay With Critique and It’s Good When People Call You Out In A Safe Setting, like everyone is a dick and an asshole and a Bad Person and pretending you’re not is the most useless battle you could ever fight. we contain multitudes and some of those tudes are downright ugly.

quick sidebar: I would not have been able to have this kind of conversation with myself four years ago, and something I have not even talked about is how my shift toward more m/m content began at the same time as I was getting used to getting medical treatment for my grab bag of mental illnesses, like it’s pretty obvious that I got into sk right about the time I settled into my meds so what does That even mean?? so many THINGS to consider!!

idk. I know when I write stuff like this people think I’m beating myself up over it, but I’m really not. I just like talking about it sometimes and this tumblr is where all my neuroses go to live forever more in the annals of this blue hell until I chicken out and delete them the next day. I guess I know that when I read other people talking about things I’ve also been thinking about, it’s nice to hear. and as this is something that is still new to me, fandom in general is still bonkers to a part of my brain because I came into it as an adult, the whole conversation (if there even is a conversation because there might not be but there’s one going on in my brain) about women writing m/m is interesting complicated and something I think about a lot. clearly without any real focus or conclusions to be drawn, because I dropped out of college and never learned how to make my point in a concise and understandable manner. 

anyway I hope you don’t read this as me arguing with you nonny, I just wanted to clarify what I mean in the original post