#i just hope i got a grasp of kanan's feelings and character in general

[r-escribe]

Even after 100 years we'll be by your side, Kanan

Word count: 1876

Pairing: Kanan x Dia x Mari

Rating: General audience until part two where we could argue if it escalates to teen and up.

AO3

Summary: A year has passed since the 3rd years graduated and went their separate ways. Kanan has doubts about their friendship.

A/N: First of all happy birthday Kanan! Secondly, I'm sorry this is so poorly phrased it's been a while since I last wrote anything or read anything. Also, this was extremely rushed so hopefully it makes some sense... so yeah enjoy. This was posted on AO3 6 days ago so exactly in time for Kanan’s birthday only I forgot to post it here ahaha :)

“Kanan, could you please take my shift tomorrow? I have finals on Monday so I really wanted to do some studying…” said the amethyst colored eyed girl co-worker with an apologizing voice.

“Sure, I got’cha!”

Sure Kanan’s birthday was tomorrow but ever since she graduated from high school and left to get her diving license in Australia, she didn’t get to talk with the rest of Aqours as much as she would have like. Additionally, no one knew it was her birthday so she hadn't any plans.

With that in mind, both girls finished cleaning the shop and waved their goodbyes.

The diver’s apartment wasn’t particularly big, well it was small, but big enough to fit one person. Especially when that person only went there to change clothes and get some sleep. It had a single bedroom with a connected bathroom, the only separation between the kitchen and the living room/dining room was an island.

Kanan put her keys on said island and took a shower. She put on a black tank top and a pair of shorts. She took an apple from her kitchen and laid down on her bed, and took her phone. It wasn’t unusual for her to look at the photo album she named “Aqours”, she had some photos of their lives, practices, sleepovers, that time they went to Tokyo, Hakodate, even some with Saint Snow. Kanan smiled slightly. She missed her friends, last time they were all together was when the then 3rd years graduated. The navy blue haired girl closed her eyes. When Mari, Dia, and herself first left Uchiura they would all 9 of them try to video call as much as possible, but of course life moves on and soon what had been 2 or 3 calls per week soon became 1 once a week and now with the second years graduating soon a call once every 2-3 weeks. They still sent a bunch of messages but being 2 hours ahead of Tokyo’s time either there was no one to talk with, or she had to start work soon. As for the 3rd years group chat, with all of them in different time zones, it was hard to keep a full conversation. Even though they met only about a month ago in Tokyo to celebrate Dia’s birthday Kanan felt as if it had been years since they talked, years since she hugged them. A single tear came out of amethyst eyes and the diver quickly cleaned it. Don’t. In only a few hours is your birthday and the girls probably want to video call you. You can’t let them see you like this, specially Dia or Mari. Don’t cry; for them. As soon as those thoughts were out of her mind she stared at the ceiling.  Maybe they’ll come visit, Mari and I went to Tokyo for Dia’s birthday maybe they’ll come too. Just maybe… And soon she was asleep.

“....Shall we dance?, Yume no you ni odorimashou, Hitoyo no wasurerarenai shinderera, Kutsu wo nuide okeba nakusanai yo karuku hayaku, Dare o yobou ka? Moriagaru ne!...” G Senjou no Cinderella came through her phone’s speakers, time to wake up and get ready for work. Kanan rubbed her eyes and sat at the edge of the mattress. “...Shall we dance?, Kurukuru to mawarimashou…” the music kept going, not because Kanan didn’t know how to turn her alarm off but because she liked it. It was only Mari, Dia, and herself singing the song, the first song they sang only the three of them after forming Aqours. Once the song reached its end Kanan took her phone and saw quite a few messages on her phone screen, some were from the Aqours’ group chat.

Little Mikan: HAPPY B-DAY KANAN-CHAN! I’ve reserved some mikans only for you!

Yohane (Yoshiko made her change her name before she left): Little demon, you’ve attained full maturity now, use this power wisely.

You: Happy B-day Kanan-chan! Next time you visit we’ll go diving!

Ruby: Happy birthday Kanan-chan! Let’s keep having fun together like we did when you took care of me!

Hanamaru: Happy B-dAy KAnan-chaN! i LeARned how To usE my Ph0ne to send YoU this MeSSage!

Riko: Kanan-chan Happy birthday! When you come to visit we should get ice cream again

Dia: Kanan-san happy birthday.

Mari: Come on Dia!

Mari: I told you you can say Kanan-CHAN! And don’t just . your message

Mari: Here use this xD

Dia: Never.

Mari: You can do it better, do it for Kanan.

Dia: … Fine…

Dia: Happy birthday Kanan-chan!

Dia: There are you pleased now?

Mari: Very much indeed

Mari: But now it’s my turn!

Mari: HAPPY B-DAY KANAN!!!!

Riko: Wait, how come no one said anything while you two were arguing?

Mari: Well my dear Rikochi it’s simple

Mari: Dia threatened everyone to only say their birthday message

Mari: Since it’s like 2 am for Kanan and she didn’t want us to wake her up

Dia: Yes I did, and I would appreciate if you also kept that and stop messaging her.

Mari: Boring…

Mari: But fine, we’ll call her later

Mari: Anyways let’s do it one last time

All users typed: Kanan-chan! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

A sob escaped Kanan’s lips as she tipped a big “Thanks everyone, I can’t wait to go back!”, she wanted to thank each one of them individually but she wanted to call Dia and Mari. And so she did. Even though it was weekend Dia would wake up at 6:30  as usual and Mari would go to sleep around 11, so they should both be awake at that time. Mari was the first one to answer.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY KANAN!” the blonde girl shouted at the top of her lungs. Kanan didn’t even have time to answer as Dia joined the call, “Kanan-san happy birthday” although Dia tried to say it as calm as possible she was smiling and the last syllables had a cheerful tone.

“Thanks!” And Kanan smiled wide open.

“So what can we do for our birthday girl on this marvelous day?”

Kanan’s face started to heat up, how could she ask them if they were planning to visit her today? Maybe they were too busy and couldn’t, she didn’t want to make her two best friends feel guilty. No no no. They were coming and if not they’d eventually see each other, there’s nothing to worry about right?

“W-well, I...umm…”

“Come on Kanan you can tell us anything.” Encouraged her tallest friend.

“Kanan-s...Kanan is something wrong?” Asked the brunette.

“No it’s nothing, ahaha...I just wanted to talk with you but I need to get going or I’ll be late for work and you wouldn’t want me to be late right Dia? Ahaha so umm yeah talk with you later alright? Okay bye!”

“Wait Kana-”

Too late Kanan had already pressed the end call button. What are you doing? You’re acting as if you were 15 again, haven’t you learned anything? She asked herself. I guess I haven’t. Not wanting to think about it anymore Kanan finished getting ready and went to work.

Kanan had never been an observer, or attentive, especially for small details. That’s why she never realized that both Dia and Mari were wearing earphones, or that Mari wasn’t wearing a pajama and Dia wasn’t wearing her kimono. Or the fact that both seemed to be inside and not outside.

Sunday February 10th, a rather slow day at the shop. Well since it was Sunday the shift wasn’t that long so around 3:30 the navy blue haired girl start doing the pre-close up. She started taking the oxygen tanks inside, moved to make the inventory and by 3:55 she was almost done. She went back to the counter and start writing everything on the computer. The entrance bell rang.

“Welcome, we’ll be closing in 5 minutes if you want to take a diving les-”

“Well I don’t know, what you say Dia should we take a lesson?”

“Hmm with how thigh our schedule is I don’t think we’ll have time, but maybe we can work something out.”

Mari. Dia. Mari and Dia. Both of them. In front of her. Okay that was it Kanan had gone completely insane.

“Well don’t stand there give us a hug”, Mari demanded as both herself and Dia opened her arms waiting to be completed. Kanan didn’t think about it she ran straight to her friends and gave them the hug she had so long waited for. Tears making their way through her face.

“B-b-but how?”

“It’s your birthday you dummy.”

“We wouldn’t have missed it for anything.” Said Dia. “Mari traveled from Italy to Tokyo 3 days ago, we took a plane last night-”

“But you sent the messages at 12 am, h-how come?”

“Aqours of course!” Replied Mari. Kanan, who had calmed a bit took a step back to look at these beautiful girls who for a reason she still didn’t fully understand were her friends. Dia and Mari took each other’s hands and then Kanan’s.

“Well”, continued Mari, “we asked them to help us cover up our plan so everything was staged.”

“To say it in a way.” Added Dia.

“So Kanan,” they said in unison. “Happy birthday!”

Kanan was still processing everything that was going on but she could do that tomorrow, right now she only cared of being with Dia and Mari, she hugged them again and kept crying.

“Now now, we don’t want to make the birthday girl happy, shall we Mari-san?”

“Of course!”

And Kanan got a kiss on each cheek from her two friends. Before she could react both brunette and blonde haired girls were dragging her out of the store.

A/N: this is not that relevant to the story and the rating could go (depends on how you look at it) up to teens.

They arrived at Kanan’s apartment and as soon as Kanan unlocked the door Mari was entering and laying on the couch.

“Please have some manners,” said Dia with a small sigh and Kanan couldn’t help but laugh at both of them. 100 years could go by and the three of them would still act the same way they did when they were kids.

Kanan took their suitcases to her room and left them there. She couldn’t make it outside the bedroom since Mari had jumped over her and pushed them both to the bed.

“Wha-Mari? G-get off.”

“No” Although both of them tried to sound serious they couldn’t keep the facade and gave up to laughter.

“D-Dia,” started Kanan in between laughers “come quick! Mari won’t get off me!”

The girl with emerald eyes entered the room but instead of helping Kanan she threw herself onto the bed and was on top of Mari and Kanan.

“O-okay I-I give up!” finally stated Kanan and Dia got off of her. Mari on the other hand just stared at Kanan’s face. She took her chin and lightly kissed her. “Happy birthday Kanan.” Whispered Mari and got off of her. Dia not wanting to be left behind approached Kanan from the side and press slightly her lips to Kanan’s. “Yeah happy birthday Kanan.”

Mari and Dia looked at each other and then at the girl under them. They still had some days before going back to Italy and Japan and they didn’t want to waste any of them.

[chocmarss]

I got curious hope you don't mind! 🌹

Who's your favourite Jedi and who's your favourite clone?

Who's your favourite Jedi and clone duo/Jedi and Jedi duo/clone and clone duo? (not meant as ships)

What is your favourite non-Jedi/clone/Sith character?

Hi, thanks for the ask! ✨

Favourite Jedi: Ahsoka has my heart and soul, and my money if she so wishes to ask it from me, she has me in the grasp of her hand and I can’t do anything about it. I’m kneeling by her feet. I am crying. She can step on me and I’d thank her.

Favourite clone: That’s hard, but it’s currently a toss between Rex and Fives, but Tup also has a special place in my heart.

Jedi and clone duo: People like to focus on Anakin’s bullheadedness when it comes to Rex’s POV, who would feel a certain amount of exasperation that has the same energy of a babysitter to the kid he’s looking after. They chose to ignore that the man himself has, in fact, contributed to the absolute insanity of his general’s plans and sometimes his commander’s UNLESS it involves his own life. Anakin and Rex exudes ‘college dude bros who would absolutely get drunk together and have simultaneous hangovers in the bathroom, but they’d just do it again, anyway.’

Jedi and Jedi duo: Kanan and Depa’s bond is really special, like every time I think of Kanan’s comic, I have to sit down and hope this doesn’t affect me in the long run.

Clone and clone duo: I’m gonna cheat a bit and say that Fives’s relationship with the rest of Torrent is hilarious and also precious, because he just whacks his brothers to show affection, and I fully support him in that.

Favourite non-Jedi/clone/Sith: I assume this is also a non-clone category, because Din Djarin definitely fits my category of a poor little meow-meow of a youngish man who I’d shake like a margarita before gently serving him in a glass.

[hellothere-generalangsty]

I HAD A BRAIN WAVE MOMENT

DO YOU REMEMBER WAYYYY BACK WHEN EVERYONE HATED ASOKA? DAVE DID THAT ON PURPOSE SO HE WAS IN CONTROL OF WHAT PEOPLE HATED ABOUT HER. OK NOW THIS MIGHT BE A LONGSHOT THAT HOPEFULLY DOESN’T END UP LIKE LONGSHOT THE CLONE, BUT, IM HOPING THATS WHATS DAVE IS DOING WITH TBB. BEING IN CONTROL OF WHAT THE FANDOM HATES ABOUT IT AND THEN IMPROVING IT SLOWLY BIT BY BIT.

PLEASE IM DESPERATE FOR A EXPLANATION!

(also where’s my explanation about why the clones are white washed, dave? hmm? where is it dave?)

OMG LOOK.

It wouldnt excuse the whitewashing or the weak scenario, because he got us used to some good stuff now (tcw s7, Mandalorian, that kind of things)

But it would make sense - to a certain extent - to work that season as a "cliché team in a cliché scenario" and see how people react to be able for a second season (if there's a second season) to improve it

_

Disclaimer: I'm a white, abled person so I'm not trying to speak on behalf of poc/disabled people, but I think it's important to support them and listen to the critics they make about SW and it's content

Also this is quite long I got carried away but worth it it is!

I linked some of @rebekadjarin 's post here because I read a bit through her blog today and agreed with her posts; and I invite you to check out the "#whitewhashed tbb" if you want more extanded and developed information about that matter! (As my knowledge on the matter is still quite limited/ incomplete due to my privileges, and this post is more of a summary than a real analysis)

_

So here, we know that the fans are unhappy about:

- the whitewashing of the Bad Batch (especially since they proved they could animate dark skinned people/ more generally poc with the first seasons of tcw, Kanan in Rebels and the Separatist in the latest TBB episode)

It is a real problem and it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Even if they are different, the Batchers are still clones and it's really not that hard to show their enhancement while keeping Temuera's features and skin colour (I mean, look at all the artists who did and do it everyday on this app; no excuse here)

Star Wars has wasted a lot of potential on numerous occasions because they keep doing stuff like this; and it's quite ironic (and very sad) to see that racism, ableism and stereotypes are prevalent in a universe where people fight for equality and peace...

Here and here are two posts about it (if you're the author of these posts and want me to delete them from my post please tell me so; I took the liberty of adding them because I think they highlight quite well the issue and do a clear job at showing the whitewashing in SW/ around the clones)

~

- the way Crosshair is treated; both by the Batchers and the writers, he's manipulated by the chip yet no one is talking about rescuing him and we see nothing about the effect of his absence on the Batchers (they don't mention him, don't try to save him, and Hunter is more distraught by Omega's absence than by his own brother's)

And don't get me wrong, Omega is a kid and she's nice, of course they have to take care of her and protect her

But they also don't know her purpose; why is she here? She could be a bad omen (maybe she doesn't even know it! The Kaminoans probably didn't tell anyone about her real purpose and I stand by the idea that the infos they got about her are all wrong and purposefully misleading) and I have the dark feeling that she will be the end/ death of the Batchers by the end of the serie, even if she didn't wanted it that way

But Crosshair is never mentionned, except for when he's needed in the scenario. Which is a shame, because he's a Batcher too even if he's mind-controlled and (for now) working for the Empire. He's supposed to be a main character, and he's a key element to the plot; yet out of 10 episodes we saw him in only 3, and only the moments where he was acting bad (i'm excluding the lonely moment at the end of ep2 because it had a lot of potential about him fighting the chip but that was all we had and i'm still bitter about it lol)

Here is a post about it

~

- speaking of plot; I feel like it's always the same disk playing since episode 2-3: They have a mission given by Cid, they do it, things go wrong, Omega saves the day and they get the money.

Crosshair is doing bad guy stuff so no need to tall about him (haha right?)

Now. I'm a good public. I know when to activate the Dummie™ in me and enjoy a show about a found family doing crazy jobs for a criminal and raising a newly adopted daughter at the same time. It's fun, it's sweet, sometimes it get emotional and the animation is beautiful (the lights are amazing I am always in awe)

I can enjoy it and be in awe and see Echo sniffing food and Tech smiles and Wrecker playing with Omega and feel happy about it.

But I also expected more. I hadn't any clear idea because I didn't wanted to set expectations (how ironic) but I can't help but feel sad about the wasted potential around Empire! Crosshair and the rise of said Empire.

If you want to antagonize one of the main character, do it, but do it fully and do it well. Show us Crosshair getting really invested in a plan to catch the Batchers and suddenly making a scene for a tiny detail that could blow it up; show us Crosshair and Hunter fighting each other hand to hand after they disarmed each other, and Crosshair getting the upoer hand until something holds him back; just enough for Hunter to take control again

Show us a complex character who suffers but doesn't fully realise it, and show us brothers mourning yet hoping to get the family back again you know?

~

- the way Echo is treated by the Batchers. And as much as it saddens me, they do him dirty in the show.

Echo is a war veteran, an ex- prisoner and a disabled character. He went through a lot; first he lost the Domino squad, then he lost brothers on Kamino (including 99 who was close to his squad), then the Citadel happened and he lost both his legs, an arm, his freedom, his brothers and probably any hope to be saved.

Then they found him in that freezer, and he probably realised that, if Fives wasn't here to save him, it meant he lost him too.

Then he left Rex to go with a team of 4 because he probably didn't feel like he belonged with "regs" anymore; he chose strangers over brothers because he thought he couldn't find his place there. Which in itself is sad and problematic.

And now he's with the Batchers, and they don't seem to grasp the importance of his trauma. I mean; they always had the 4 of them and never lost a brother (apart from Cross; which is another wasted potential here because they could have exploited that trauma and made a parallel with Echo being so used to losing brothers and them experiencing it for the first time on such a personal level you know) and they do some crappy stuff to him.

Selling him as a droid? Not cool.

Brushing off his trauma for a mission and some credits? Not. Cool.

And Echo can't say anything because he chose them, and now he has nowhere to go anyway because Order 66 happened; and he probably doesn't want to be a burden to Rex, and he probably doesn't want to abandon his brothers especially now that Cross is gone and they have a child to take care of

But yeah there are a lot of things happening - or NOT happening - around Echo and his trauma and his disability that are wrong and people are right to talk about it

Here is a post I read and I agree with it

~

- Overall, the way the show and the characters are handled; they often feel very stereotyped/ cliché and the basic plot doesn't really help for character development or improvement

I read a post about it and it was really interesting; they linked the whitewashing of the characters with their abilities/enhencement

Tech and Crosshair are the smartest and the whitest in the group (which is bad)

Wrecker is portrayed as the Bid Dummie™ and he's the one with the "darker" skin and the features closest to Temuera/ Maōri features (also very bad)

Hunter is straight up a Rambo with a face tattoo, and Echo - and you guys know I love him - is whiter than a sheet of paper (all so bad)

Not only this, but there is no improvement in their personality or thinking

They don't seem to evolve, and just like their mission, they end up playing the same song over and over again

Hunter is the broody soldier and though people enjoy talking to him as a Dad (count me in) but he's not a good dad for Omega (he calls her soldier and is always acting awkward and uncomfortable around her)

Wrecker could be a better dad for her; but again they display him as a big dummie and give the impression he couldn't take well care of her

Tech is here to be the smart one, we only see him when they need someone to do the smart speaking and the complicated computer things

Echo is the grumpy reg, the "more droid than man" and sometimes the Mom™ but they never show him talking about the Empire or the trauma or how the I am not Freaking Out™ I did came back for this Shit™ he's just here to... Be here and be grumpy and bring the oldest clone wars fans to watch TBB

And Crosshair is almost non-existent.

Here is another post about it

~

What could it be then?

So either Dave is pulling a Ahsoka on us; but he'll still have a lot of things to correct and explanations to give because I can excuse a bad plot but I draw the line at blatant racism ans ableism (especially when they KNOW the fans and they KNOW what people want and they KNOW it would probably bring more people to enjoy and get invested in the show)

- If he's doing this, he will probably work with the animator to correct the whitewashing (because it really is the only really wrong thing in the animation, the rest of it is quite good to be honest like the light, framing and all)

- Understand that Tbb and Mandalorian are two different shows and cannot be treated the sale way; so he'll get back to the main plot and hopefully work on Crosshair's arc and hos his absence/ him being controlled by the chip affects him/ the Batchers/ their relation

- He'll probably work more on displaying the effect of their trauma; collective and personal, and see how it reflects on their relations (and give Echo the healing he deserves)

- By extension, give the characters more depth and complexity, dig their stereotypical surface and reveal their true nature (show me a ruthless yet easily overwhelmed Hunter; a smart but constantly anxious Tech, a very emotional Wrecker playing the big explosive dummie to protect himself, etc.)

Well, that's what I would do

Or he's just... Doing this and not planning any changes; in which case I'll probably do what I did with SPN s15: stop watching, scroll through tumblr to get some infos and gifs and tell everyone about how dirty they did the characters, and they did us.

~

But I really hope he's hearing us and taking our remarks into account; the show in itself had a lot of potential and I'm still hanging on the thin hope that the ending could "save it"; but I also have no expectations and am in fact waiting for a disappointing ending

On a brighter note, I'm glad the fandom exists because I see artists and writers and gif-makers and theorists and all kind of people creating and sharing their own content, headcanons, art, writing and they all feel right and better than the canon

Like yes, give me a in-character dark skinned clone who deals with his trauma and the sudden changes around him in a realistic way

Tell me about the real effects of the war on soldiers, and the truth behind the corrupted government taking over the galaxy, and the efforts everyone has to make to survive, exist and live together

If Dave and his team cannot do it, I know you guys can and that's why I'm glad to be here too; you give me hope when they fail to do so 💙

~

I hope I like... Answered this correctly? 😂 I got carried away but yeah, though I'm usually not vocal about it and try to enjoy it with my Dummie Energy™ I still see and read about what you all think, and usually I agree with you; the show deserved better and we deserved better

Now back to ignoring the canon and writing a fic about my very much alive and beloved Fives 🥰

[hnwriter]

So I wrote (another) fic.

Hera, debriefing Yavin IV on her mission and Kanan’s death, reflects on her fractured memories and what Kanan means to her.

TW: drugging

There was a lot of of Jedi Night/Dume that I just....wasn’t happy with, so full disclosure, many elements of this are canon divergent. Namely the treatment of Hera’s torture and Kanera--I wanted a story that reflected Hera and the strength of the character I fell in love with and give her back the narrative that I felt she was robbed of within those episodes.

           “General, if this is too strenuous right now—”

           “Senator Organa, I’m fine. Simply—” A heavy sigh escapes her lips, giving her pause to choose her words carefully. “—tired. It’s been busy here on Lothal.” Flashes of blue. Flashes of red. Long silences she doesn’t understand, burning hot. It’s what she has left.

           Hera looks up to the holo of Senator Organa, Senator Mothma, General Ackbar—some of the Alliance’s highest command. They need her debrief.

           They need her.

           She clears her throat again and looks up—maybe, on Yavin IV, they could be thinking how it’s unlike their new General to not speak immediately, purposefully. Maybe.

           Maybe.

           “The IT-O interrogator took most of my memories. I crashed in the streets and ran when I could. There was a bounty hunter I couldn’t outrun—Imperial officers were closing in. Comms were jammed and I couldn’t get online to check on the rest of my squadron. I found one other pilot—he’s still here on Lothal with my crew and Ryder’s forces. His call sign, I don’t—”

           “We understand, General Syndulla.” Mon Mothma’s voice is soft, constant—it’s not exactly personal enough to be comforting but Hera appreciates the leave to continue speaking nonetheless. Focusing between the details of what she can remember feels like grasping for a specific single grain of sand along an entire beach.

           She hates feeling incompetent, incapable.

           She hates not knowing the inside of her own memories more. The pause makes her think of Maul and she grimaces for as long as it takes to remember his eyes peering through her skull, his powers shredding through her consciousness.

           It’s your mind, Hera. Still yours. The self-reassurance feels like a lie but gives her enough comfort to steel herself. Another breath. The General continues.

           “I was captured sometime in the middle of the night by Governor Arhinda Pryce and taken to her personal office where I was—” Flashes of light. Dark rooms. Red eyes. Pain.

           “—interrogated.” Mothma and Organa shift. They know what she means. “I don’t know for how long. Ryder or Ezra Bridger may have a more accurate assessment for you there. Vice Admiral Thrawn was there at some point—I don’t-I don’t remember much of what he says.” Her teeth grit.

           Flashes of blue.

           “My crew assembled a rescue mission for me—Ezra Bridger led it, assisted by Sabine Wren and Kanan Jarrus.” His name is a silver weight on her tongue, binding her teeth together. Her blood runs cold and her breath turns to ice.

          The room is nearly dark and he appears as a bright and electric blue. She can barely walk, barely speak—something holds her up and she’s reminded it’s Kanan when she looks up. He’s everything. She feels nothing.

          “I hate your hair.” He’s oddly calm. His banter is weak. It’s nuance she can’t pick up on because—cold air. They’re out of the office. Suspended. Long way down.

          He’s carrying her—she rests her forehead to his neck and attempts to find a center. It doesn’t come. Cannot come. There’s worry in his gaze when she jumps at every noise. She can’t react. Can’t think. Can’t—flashes.

          She continues.

           “I don’t—remember—much. I know we met the same bounty hunter at some point. We escaped through the same gliders that my crew rode in on—it caught fire at some point—”

           Flying. Cold air through the still wind of Lothal—there’s a parasitic sluggishness that’s invaded her skeleton, rendering half her strength into dead weight. Kanan’s next to her—Kanan—his hair’s different—and she’s flying—and she’s flying—

           The Kalikori is stuck underneath her arm—Kanan got it back—he got it for her. It’s her’s. Not Thrawn’s. There’s a wish lodged between her hijacked consciousness and her past that is reminding her she wanted to add Kanan to it one day. Zeb and Ezra and Sabine and Chopper, too. Her family.

           Crashing. Flying. Falling. Running. Climbing. She’s moving but not thinking—there’s enough of her awake to be horrified of how little she can process but so much of her is smothered she can do nothing but scream within her own head. Scream, thrash, claw, and climb—the poison entangles all of her instincts into a sticky, thickened mess. She’s sinking, sinking, sinking—

           “Kanan—”

           He looks back at her. Green. Gray. Red.

           “Kanan, I love you.” A laugh. The present? The memory?

           “You’re saying that like it’s something I haven’t heard before.” Tremble. Quiver. Fall. He grabs her waist and—that’s not—No, it is Kanan.

           “We landed at the fuel depot and climbed to the top.”

           “Why the fuel depot?” Ackbar asks. “It’s not exactly an easy place to land—"

           “I don’t know. Kanan just said go there. I couldn’t exactly strategize at the time.” Silence from the holocall.

           She continues.

           “I’m saying it because—” Why was she saying it? Why was she speaking? Why were they there? Where was she—

           “Hera, Hera, I know. It’s okay. I love you, too. You’re safe. Look, it’s Ezra and Sabine—” A ship in the distance. Boarding. The kids’ eyes. Sabine is flying. Not her flying. Not her flying—looking for Kanan. He’s still behind—

          “The fuel depot was shot and Kanan held back the explosion with the Force.”

           Red. Hot and burning—fire. Kanan’s eyes. It’s Lothal. It’s Gorse. It’s the first time she realized what he was and realizing now that this is all he’s going to be. It’s fragmented and fractured violently—Ezra is grabbing her—is that Ezra?—and it’s Kanan looking towards her. Sightless eyes that can’t see her and a soul that always did.

           “Kanan!” Why isn’t he moving? Why isn’t he there? She reaches out and it’s Gorse again and it’s the decade they’ve been together and their family and every moment alone. It’s every devotion of love made and the marriage they never needed. Why isn’t he moving closer? Was he already—

           She can’t see him anymore. Only orange. Only white.

           Tears. Sabine’s. Ezra’s. Her’s. Ezra has his arms around her and she looks to the stars.

The horizon of space, the longest friend she’s ever had, runs cold into her bones.

           “He was engulfed in the explosion while Sabine was able to fly away due to his Force push.”

           Sabine is yelling. Ezra is crying. She’s staring out into a horizon. Cold metal slips into her hand. Chopper. Her droid.

           It’s not Kanan.

           Silence echoes like blaster fire from the other end. Her debrief is over. They know the TIE factory is closed. There are no other details she can give—she can’t remember anything else. There’s only a war to win and a death to mourn.

           “Thank you, General Syndulla.” The quiet, patient voice of Senator Organa pulls her eyes to his. “I’m sorry for your loss.” There’s a second tone to his words she hears, and she thinks of his Queen. His wife. She hears exactly what he’s not saying. I know the fear of this loss. I’m sorry you’ve lived it. The pain of the sincerity stings hot in her chest—a decade she’s had with Kanan settle agonizingly in the back of her throat, building to tears she won’t let fall. Ten years of their special, hellfire, warbent happiness entwine around her ribs and in her ears, she hears the crack of her bones.

           “Thank you, Senator Organa. My crew lost a lot—” A husband. A mentor. A father. A partner. A friend. “—but we’ll continue on.”

           Silence again and she looks up to these powerful, brave beings. The blue-based imitation of their real selves cuts in half each other their determination—these are the architects of this Alliance, and the strongest voice in the beating, combined, communal hope every pilot and soldier feel. Each of them has lost. Each of them has been burned by this fire they’re stoking—they’ve each dedicated their lives to this rebellion.

           But, they’ve never not known a life that hasn’t been one of rebellion. It’s not to undermine their worth, but to her knowledge, they’ve never had their lives cut out of the sky. It’s unfair to make this assumption, she knows, but her grief makes it anyways—none of them had built a rebel out of shambles of themselves for the sake of someone else’s livelihood and freedom.

           Kanan had rebuilt his life for the Rebellion that took it. He did not die in vain, she knew it. Hera would not let herself think anything else, would not let his death be useless. But, she sees his lost soul in the lives of every Rebel, and she sees what she knew and what she loved and what she lost.

           He’d given so much. Been so much.

           “My crew and I will be staying on Lothal longer. There’s work that’s to be done and we understand you may not be able to send more forces here. I won’t ask for more, but I ask for the leave to continue our work. We can do good at an impactful level. Lothal has always been a beacon for hope and I won’t see it die.” They look at each other, think it over, but Senator Organa speaks first.

           “Do what you must, General Syndulla. And may the Force be with you.”

           “May the Force be with you.” The holo cuts out and she’s left alone with silence. Chopper who has rarely left her side since Kanan’s death is with Ezra, Sabine, and Zeb now, and she’s happy for that. They need each other.

           The Kalikori sitting across from her next to Kanan’s mask stands as tall as he did. It’s not hard to imagine him leaning on the wall, laughing at Sabine and Ezra bickering, In fact, it’s remarkably easy to see the line of his shoulders and the way his beard shift when he smiles. It takes no effort to see Sabine and Kanan standing at each other, the dark saber in her hand, Kanan’s in his, staring across thousands of years of war and being family nonetheless. Always. In the piece she carved to represent his life, Kanan is playing sabacc with Zeb and yelling after Chopper and sitting in her copilot’s chair again. She can almost reach out her hand and feel the curve of his face and the sensation of the scarred skin across his eyes and temple. Almost.

           Almost.

           Oxygen moves through Hera’s lungs and is exhaled, and it’s disorienting how much it hurts to do something that was once so remarkably easy. Again, she closes her eyes, and again she tries to search through her mind for any sliver of clarity of Kanan’s last moments alive. Again, there’s nothing but pain.

           And she’s furious. Furious she died and furious she can’t remember and furious that what she has is excruciating to pick through. Kanan’s last hour alive and most of her own memory of it has been built together on someone else’s story. It’s not right that he’s dead when he deserved longer, and there’s a logical part of her mind that says he knew the risk, but her pain flinches away from relief as easy as that.

           She’s together enough to be strong for her crew. When the General walks out, she hugs Sabine and Ezra and Zeb each as long as they need, not letting go until they do. She stays with her family and lets the silence hang and she can find enough strength to remain constant for them. Tears well in her eyes but, for the kids, she can remain together enough to hold them because no one knows Kanan for them like she did, so she can stay upright. For them. Because she has to. Because she needs to.

           When they go to sleep, she locks herself in a ship, flicks on the sound insulator, and screams. Screams because she should be able to remember, screams because her body still hurts from the torture, screams because she misses him and screams because they were in love during a war, but they still deserved longer. Hera fought for the future but only saw everyone else’s, never hers. Kanan saw his in his mind, and saw hers, and for them, he carried their dreams of a life together, so when Hera came to him in that way no one saw, their dreams were whole enough for her to carry, too.

           She screams until her voice is raw and cries until her eyes are dry and sting with the exertion. It all hurts too much, burns too hot, cuts too deep—a loss like this is not enough to bend her spine but stars, does she hurt anyways.

           Hera looks up to the stars. Just as they were when he died, they’re cold tonight, too. She doesn’t know how to be okay without him and doesn’t know how she’s going to adjust to any normal that doesn’t have him at her side. They did things together, and now that’s broken.

           Trembling fingers reach out to touch the duraglass, reaching for the stars like it’s Kanan’s hand. Presses her palm to the surface like it’s his chest—closes her eyes like she would when he kissed her. Her hand falls when her screams start again, because when she opens her eyes, it’s still not him.

           She falls asleep in the cockpit and in the morning, she leads.

           She continues.