#i just havent had motivation for what i gotta get done

[okkos-ferrum]

gray's return in the show and how it defines gray as a truly morally gray character

i just gotta ramble more abt this scene, with it being one of my favorite scenes in the show. but really i just wanna talk abt how this scene encapsulates gray's ... grayness... of the moral variety

especially since it is done so effectively since, like i mentioned in other posts, our screen time with actual gray and not graham or whatever is limited.

this scene sees the return of gray in the plot, picking up directly where we leave off from all the way back in episode 2

Bye-bye, Black Sheep...

I assume you prefer I continue to call you "Carmen"?

as i stated previously on other posts, because of the silly brainwashing plot, much of graham scenes can be thrown out. in a sense, it's the writers' way to put a big old pause on his character

and these are only one of the two conversations carmen and gray have in current day as themselves -- with no mind wiping or brainwashing (not including flashback cuz the actual issues of the relationship that need to be addressed havent been established yet)

so resuming directly right where we left off with gray trying to kill carmen, we return back to gray trying to kill carmen :D

but this time he did recongize carmen's name, alluding to his change ... even tho he is waving his electric stick around -- mirroring their last encounter in paris

side tangent: something i, additionally, love about this scene is just how it is blunt and honest. much of carmen sandiego's drama/conflict is built of misunderstanding and misdirection and mistrust of the characters. Which while, yes, i am eating up, but unfortuntely can cause many characters relationships to be burdened with a lot of things that can be easily cleared up with a talk. gray for once just bluntly takes a stance.

something that i do like is that in their only two scenes with each other as themselves, carmen (the pilot flashbacks) and gray (this scene) open up so fast with one another. there's never any miscommunication between them during these scenes .... well until vile barges into the conversation....

ANYWAY here we get revealed gray's full perception of himself and his goals very explicitly, especially since his memories and alliances was the biggest question over the viewers' head for most of the show

here gray explains that he believes that he is not a good person, someone incapable of change.

from his perspective, the only way he was able to be a "good" person was when he was brainwashed. and he had just had however long with his chats with maelstrom emphasizing that he has always been a bad person by nature. with the knowledge vile will forever have full control over him -- either as a vile operative or as a mindwiped civillian -- gray essentially accepts his fate as a bad person, because at the very least he is himself.

carmen may have gotten away from vile, but he is told by maelstrom it is due to her being a naturally good person. because his own perception of himself is as somebody who is incapable of good, he will never be able to leave vile now

and carmen is right there in front of him. it was his hesistance that landed him into this debacle, and with maelstrom and bellum both just past the door and carmen alone, gray has every chance to right his wrong.

but he doesnt. because he realizes that the very least he can make the choice of is never hurting carmen. as i stated in other posts, gray's main motive is to be free from any standard that could get in between him and his success. but his want for this freedom ironically got him trapped within following vile's orders. he had been so caught up in following vile that he had lost sight of himself and what he cares about.

so now he explains to carmen his absolute refusal to hurt her again, begging her to give up in stopping vile

selfish and selfless

But I'm begging you, give up trying to stop us, because I don't ever want to be put in a position to hurt you again.

gray's plea to carmen here is so perfectly two-sided

he is acting out selflessly in not allowing his alliances against carmen blind him. i mean that is what he fucked up last time in the train, where it was clear gray wanted to spare carmen - with giving her time to share her side of the story and providing the offer - put unwilling to stand against his mission. like an actual human being, gray acknowledges his mistake and is trying to amend it by stating clearly that he cares abt carmen.

he, in essence, is apologizing for trying to harm carmen by expressing his major regret. moreover, he acknowledges their chat in the pilot, accepting carmen will not return to vile. it stems likely from the ink blot scene earlier, where maelstrom speaks about nature, making a distinction between vile, and by extension, gray's, and carmen's morals. he is finally reconciling that he and carmen will not be on the same side, no matter how much he wants it to be otherwise.

it can also be viewed as a sense of wanting to protect carmen. because he feels so small compared to vile, he barely can ponder how anyone can actually succeed in going against them. i mean they brainwashed him and easily gave and took away his civilian life. in his eyes, carmen staying far from vile is the only way she could be safe

however, viewing it from another perspective shows gray's selfishness in his plea. when he speaks about never wanting to be put in a position to hurt carmen again, he kinda places such a responsibility on carmen, not recongizing he himself is capable of changing that.

Essentially saying "hey quit while you're ahead so you don't gotta make me feel guilty when doing crime" while ignoring that he is making the choice join vile

It kinda stems from his lack of faith in carmen or his own cowardice against vile or a combination of both. What may just be the only way he can protect to protect carmen comes off in his own lack of faith in her ability. as i mentioned earlier, this practically is his own resignation to his fate that vile cannot be fought against. he took his own defeat as the only way to be safe, refusing to believe carmen can successfully fight them.

while he was able to get past the hurdle of accepting carmen changing and no longer standing alongside him, he cant seem to understand his own responsibilty in this.

he's being selfish by demanding a change in carmen's behavior while he continue along with his own desires. While yes, i did just detail the various factors that led to him to such a conclusion, the window was LITERALLY OPEN for him to leave

following carmen blowing up the facility and rejecting gray's demand -- SHE IS SO REAL FOR THAT I LOVE HER SM IN THIS EP -- the wall LITERALLY IS OPEN FOR TO LEAVE CARMEN WITH

Goodbye, Gray

Idk how intentional this is, but the framing shows carmen literally, by her own will, forcing an opening for herself out of vile (both figuratively in the past and literally right now lol) while gray watches on idly, too scared to leave the grasp of vile but just watching on.

and his cowardice is followed through in the finale, with after months of idly watching carmen slip deeper into evil by the brainwashing, he actually takes actions against vile by actively choosing to work with acme, abandoning tigress, and being the one to land the memory recovery thing on her.

it is what makes gray such a stand out character in this show, admist his frustrating back-and-forth and selfishness and sometimes wasted writing. he keeps making a mistake but proceeds to fix it right after. his growth into a better person requires him to make these mistakes, because unlike carmen and most people in the show on the side of good, gray doesn't work on any moral compass. he is not actively evil and wishing to inflict harm and conflict like paper star or vile facilty, nor is he driven by morals such as team red and julia. he is driven by whatever he selfishly cares abt. and from what we see of him both in the pilot and this ep, he makes as many mistakes as he does have slivers of good actions

basically gray is an interesting character cuz he literally fucks up his personal goals, but he makes an earnest attempt to make it better lol

[lildashofheaven1]

Jamie nsfw alphabet

Jamie Campbell Bower x Y/n

A= after care

He is SO SWEET after sex, will go get you a glass of water, new clothes, wipes literally anything you need! He will always check in with you to make sure he didn’t hurt you or anything as well, if you feel like it, he will also help you into the shower.

B= body part

His favourite body part of yours is either your eyes or you tits because he could honestly look at either of them for hours, maybe even days. He honestly loves literally every part of your body but if he had to pick he’d say thos two. Your favourite part of his body has to be his arms as he always holds you and you love the feeling of safety they provide you and its his little reminder that he’s there. Additionally youve gotta give love to his hands because he can do magical things with them.

C= cum

With your permission, he would cum in you, nothings hotter to him than having his seed be inside you. The idea of having kids with you is such a turn on for him. If your not comfortable with him coming inside you this man will come up with new places to release on you and loves painting you wherever, if asked his favourite place is either your back or your face.

D= Dirty secret

A secret of jamies is that he secretly loves the thought of you tying him up and having your way with him, he loves the idea of you taking control and taking what you want from him. He would be open to any of your dirty secrets and want you want to try unless its where he has to purposefully hurt you as he wouldnt be able to do that to his little angel.

E=experience

Jamie was very experienced when you met, however if you were a virgin he wouldnt shame you at all and would teach you all about how to feel good and would never be against a lil demonstration all the time!😝

F=favourite position

May be a lil vanilla but he loves missionary, being able to see your eyes and your tits? Hell yes! Can safely say you’ve probably tried every different position in your time together because you’d be a very experimental couple

G= goofy

I dont see jamie being a goofy type during sex however if something had happened like if you knocked off something off the bedside table, he’d give it a little chuckle then continuing with where he was

H= hair

100% keeps it tidy, not clean shaved but definitly isnt a mfing jungle. Doesnt really care whether or not you shave, however if he was being truthful he prefers clean shaved because mans gonna spend a lot of time down there.

I= intimacy

Very intimate, you never feel rushed or uncomfortable and he makes it so romantic saying things such as “be a good girl for me” and “thats is angel let go for me” literally the most romantic person. If its a big occasion he is not opposed to having candles etc and music playing in the background

J= jack off

Honestly, doesnt do it that often when your with him at all (i mean he doesnt really have to😝) if hes away filming then its a different story he misses you so much that he has to jack off while having pics of you on his phone, sometimes y’all exchange nudes just to give each other material for while your apart

K=kink

He gives me vibes of loving teasing and edging, both giving and receiving, he also loves being dominant, its very rare that he lets you take control. Also i think we’ve all seen who he follows on insta… ill leave that there

L=location

Theres not a spot in your house where you havent done the deed, a random place youve had sex is a pub toilet when you were bothed wasted. However once you two had sex in an alley in london while out with friends

M= motivation

My mans gets turned on so easily because of you, your wearing a short skirt, hes re-arranging his trousers. Also he so strikes me as the type of boyfriend to pretend to rail you from behind if you lean down to pick something up.

N= No

Something i dont think he would do is purposefully hurt you, yeah he likes being dominant and kinky, and enjoys being rough. but he would never make himself hurt you in anyway. In another sense if one night you didnt feel like having sex then its off his mind in an instant and he would never pressure you to have sex if you didnt feel like it

O= Oral.

100% loves receiving but honestly this man is so skilled in giving!! He loves to hear and see you struggle to hold it together while hes between your thighs. Oh and if youve been apart for a while, clear out your evening plans because hes pinning you down and your not leaving until further notice, he thinks its the most intimate act you can do so if hes y/n deprived, then that is his first plan.

P=Pace.

Depends on his mood, if hes his usual self then he likes taking it slow and intimate. If somethings pissed him off then hes taking his anger and channelling it into fucking your brains out!😝.

Q=Quickie.

Hes not the biggest fan of quickies, he enjoys the risk that attached to them, however as mentioned earlier, he likes taking his time with you but if you both have like 5 mins and your hella horny then hes down to have a quickie.

R=Risk.

He LOVES taking risks!! The idea of getting caught turns him on so much!! I can so see him fucking in the car outside of a bar all you and your friends are at!

S=Stamina.

Most of the times he lasts longer than you and is able to go around 3-4 maybe 5 rounds before having to stop for a bit, is okay with however many rounds you want to do as long as your not in pain, after however many you both manage, you both get cleaned up and lay together.

T=Toys.

Has them and only uses them rarely on you, if he’s in a teasing mood then a vibrator is his best friend. He uses them on you when he wants to play around and eventually he cant take hearing your moans so he stops and replaces the toy!

U=Unfair

He L O V E S teasing you, hearing you moan and whine for him to give you what you want. He also adores teasing you in public, running his hand up your thigh under tables to get you riled up!

V=Volume

I dont see him being really loud during sex, he mainly whispers into your ear things like “your doing so well for me my love” “thats it baby tell me what you want” however when he finishes, the chesty bassy moan he lets out is enough to get you to finish on the spot!! He encourages you to let him know how good you feel, he will never get bored of hearing your moans and whines.

W=Wild card

Has definitely turned you on accidentally before, yall were laying watching a movie with his head in your lap, he was mindlessly running his hand up and down your leg, until his hand ventured very high and without thinking he slipped his hand up your shorts and began playing and tugging your panties.

He claims afterwards that he liked how the material feels. When he realised you curling your toes and pushing your legs together to try get friction he looks up at you, realising what he had done.

“Awh poor baby, im sorry i dont know what i do to you sometimes” he says while rubbing the side of his thumb on your jawline

“Cmon my love, ill give you what you want” he smiled as he sists up and takes your off shorts

X=Xray

at least AT LEAST 9-10 inches! If not more, im sorry i dont make the rules!!

Y=Yearning.

You both usually have sex like 2-3 times a week, if your together a lot more than you both find yourselves having casual sex just as something to do😝 however you ensure that you both have you special time together and make it memorable

Z=ZZZ

He falls asleep not long after sex, however before you do, he makes sure to clean you both up and get into clean clothes and change the sheets if necessary. You both fall asleep after this with your head on his chest as you sometimes both chat mindlessly to each other.

[tmmyhug]

i wanna get into working out or at least stretching or something but if i don't see results right Now i will not do it again :( i wanna become magically strong and have more stamina

anyway that leads to a question for you, as a fellow adhder. how did you start and manage to mantain working out?

ITS ONLY BEEN A FEW WEEKS DONT JINX ME i havent maintained crap yet... (if anything the reason im able to go so far is bc of leftover muscle from hiking everywhere in france this summer). but as someone whos been trying to start working out for 2+ years now this is how i finally got started:

first u gotta break it down into itty bitty little steps. decide what youre going to do. your brain will never get you in motion if all you know is that you need to do this nebulous thing called "working out." is it cardio? stretching? strength training? pilates? for me i decided on 40 minutes of running + 20 minutes of cooldown stretching. its ok if you're unsure bc this can always change later ofc.

next figure out Where u can do this and how to get the resources. do you have space at home? do you need a to go to a local gym for certain equipment? do you need weights? youtube video guidance? a yoga mat? workout clothes? etc. list all of this down very deliberately. even if it feels obvious! it helps frame it to yourself as if you are just considering it. ie. if I was going to work out, how would i do it? not. i am Going To Work Out and Therefore I Need This Stuff Immediately. that will just overwhelm you.

this will give you a roadmap to sidestep all the little places we get Stuck when we're trying to do something. for example, i've had moments in the past where i was suddenly struck by motivation and decided to go workout immediately, but then my dri-fit shirts were all in the laundry and i didn't want to wear anything else to get sweaty, so I just. stalled and never ended up going. but this way, I knew beforehand to keep my dri-fit shirts aside, so they were ready when I wanted them. prepping helps get these obstacles out of your way before you start trying.

routine. routine routine routine!!! i am slowly learning that the magic of Getting Stuff Done is like 10% actual motivation and 90% just making it a regular habit. plan this into your schedule like it's rocket science. for example, mine looks like this. 12:00 PM: get out of class 12 - 12:30 go home 12:30 - 1 eat lunch (pre-prepped, because Food Is Hard) 1 - 1:30 scheduled zoom meeting 1:30 - 2 change into workout clothes and go to the gym 2 - 2:40 treadmill workout 2:40 - 3 stretching 3 - 3:30 go home 3:30 - 4 shower this won't always happen beat for beat, but that doesn't matter. it just needs to be a guideline that makes it feel doable.

make sure you put the workout at a time where you'll actually feel up to doing it. you can say you want to get up at 6AM and go workout all you want but when the time comes if you just lay in bed it won't happen. be realistic about what you can accomplish or you'll just beat yourself up over not doing it.

go easy on yourself. there are no deadlines for this and if you push too hard too fast you'll burn out or injure yourself and it'll be even harder to get back into it. make your goals as small as they need to be! 10 minutes of stretching is way more approachable than a full hour of working out, so if that's where you start, that's totally fine! i started with a five minute ab workout video like. once a week. the most important part is doing just what you can rather than what you want to but can't.

ending here before i get too preachy. i sound exactly like my adhd coach gdi. but this is what seems to work for me!! i hope it helps you <33 also if anyone has tips they want to add feel free!

[wakuseicloset]

ranting about everything post 😶 i will spare you all unless you would like to opt into my suffering

Sorry this shit is literally so embarrassingly #long omg i feel fucking wacko but i had to get it out so here is my unhinged rant

I kinda feel like i'm only now recovering from this weird burnout/depression slump i've been in for the past year and i'm glad i'm getting motivation back before i have to do my QE or whatever but man

I just have so much to do every day and like i feel like there aren't enough hours in the day 😭 like technically if i was willing to do work for 12 hours or whatever i could be ahead of schedule... But like i'm literally not capable of doing that. I can be on campus from like 10-5 and then go home and squeeze another 1-2 hours of productivity from my body and then i literally just cannot do anything else like i can't focus

It's just like... Man i know that's a completely normal way to feel as a human being but like there is just so much going on right now that it's hard to keep up... Like i gotta write my qualifying paper, start my dissertation proposal... Teach 2 discussion sections every week... Grade 70 homeworks every week... Revise this paper for this journal... Contact my committee members... Meet with people... Hold office hours... (that last one is a joke nobody comes) and at the same time i haven't even been thinking about my career after graduating and transitioning into industry and i barely have attended any conferences and i'm so behindddd

I just have this weird resentment towards some other people in my cohort sometimes like why are you guys on top of your shit. It's not fair lol. And sometimes i literally am just lazy or too anxious to do basic things i need to do but . YALL... STOP WORKING SO MUCH PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE

Never mind the fact that whenever i see certain ppl from home theyre like "So when are you done" and none of them even know what i do or care at all 😭😭😭😭😭 like oh my god and when i try to explain it's like "im too stupid to understand" no you just don't give a fuck! you want me to move back home asap and don't care to learn anything about what my actual life is like down here!!!!!!!!!! bro!!!!!!!!!!!!

i swear like they'll be like "so are you gonna move back here when you're done" and im like "idk it depends on where i get a job! i might stay in CA!" and theyre just like "well im sure you can find something in seattle" idk it's well meaning but i havent lived up there for 7 years and i honestly just don't have the attachment to being there beyond it being where my mom family and grandma lives. like i got friends everywhere. im the friend master. i could live anywhere. im like a geography chameleon. im sorry i just have other things to prioritize

Idk it just all boils down to doing a phd is really hard and nobody knows how hard it is except people who are doing it or have done it. That's not to say it's objectively harder than other types of work it's just its own special brand of hard that is not relatable and nobody cares about. AND IT SUCKS!!!! CARE HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thekingofchungus]

heya. might have miscalculated how much work would occupy me. as well as not having the motivation for it. or anything, really.

back still hurts. but I have something ✨ fun ✨ for week 3

[vrisrezis]

aot characters having a crush + dating hcs (havent proof read sorry for any mistakes)

- she understands that there’s something that draws you to her, however doesn’t fully understand what it is at first

- it’s enough to make her be more interested in you rather than the yeagers

- she believes that it might be your strength that’s overwhelming (and if you have overwhelming strength she is convinced that’s what it is for awhile)

- it is until she sees how Niccolo and Sasha are with eachother does she actually realize that what she feels is love and attraction towards you

- upon realizing this, doesn’t know what to do at first

- she was originally professional, but often kept to your side and felt an odd protectiveness admiration towards you

- now, she was much more casual and more flirtatious

- while acting confident around you, she secretly got butterflies.. you made her ... nervous ..

- nonetheless flirting with you is often, sometimes going as far as to kiss your hand

- she wants to properly court you and get you to return her feelings. She’d feel really bad if you never felt the same. Especially since she isn’t as used to the feeling

- it takes a long time for her to finally ask you out officially, but she does and is pleased by your answer

- however being with yelena isn’t easy, she isn’t one to follow you around like a lost puppy

- she had her motivations, she’s a yeagerist. If you’re not okay with that she isn’t gonna care enough to bother to stay along.

- she feels bad of course, she loves you after all but still

- if she ever had to go against you it hurt her but she would also understand it just needs to be done

- when that mess is over though she is fine with just sticking by your side

- or if you join her it just makes your relationship stronger and better

- doesn’t like pda cuz people might think she’s weak but she’s very soft when you guys are alone though

- lots of smooches from her

- she loves to tease you as well, she can’t help it though..

- she says you’re just so cute she has to bully you a little (more like a lot)

- secretly wants you two to get married so one day she will purpose be prepared for it

- she knows it’s stupid but hey... she has some hope

- secretly feels lucky to be with you even if she doesn’t say it

- doesn’t say that she loves you as often as she’d like, which she feels bad for deep down

- she doesn’t always know how to be vulnerable and express herself, while yes it does happen it takes time

- in a way you are her safe space and you make her calmer

- in a way, you were her hope and her god more than zeke ever was.. and that’s because you allowed to her to feel freedom, to feel love and to feel being loved, you’re more of a god to her now more than .. anyone else

- so maybe she tends to be a bit too protective, and maybe she tends to be very short with others that wanna talk to you because she wants your attention, aaaand maybe she tends to go overboard for you because she believes you saved her...

- so maybe she shows she loves you through actions rather than words

(While I don’t like her in the romantic sense she is my second best girl so I felt it was almost necessary)

- having a crush is always complicated, especially when you’re a kid.

- when you’re a kid as stubborn and prideful as gabi though, it’s even more complicated.

- she doesn’t even realize she likes you either, she’s too into her own head. Too overconfident to think about other people and especially in that way .. she’s oblivious, even to her own emotions

- she can’t help but wanna be around you all the time though, that’s something not even she can ignore

- she tries to impress you often, she will do the dumbest shit just to get you to pay attention to her in some way

- she works harder than normal, falco notices that immediately and catches onto what’s going on

- she tries to act tougher around you, just better in general

- she gets protective of you, when she does something stupid and you follow along she gets really angry and doesn’t understand why

- eventually after a talk with falco, she realizes (finally) that she likes you but never knows how to approach something like that

- eventually works up to the courage to tell you how she really feels about you but it’s really rushed

- is very happy when you guys start dating though

- doesn’t know how relationships should go.. important to keep in mind it’s her first relationship and you guys are just kids

- everyone likes you guys together though

- often grabs your hand, as her way of trying to keep you protected

- she hates getting you involved in her messes but it happens very often and she feels bad about it like everytime

- the first time you kissed she was a blushy mess wow

- yeah you’re the only one that’ll make her so flustered like that

- and it’s easy too, all you gotta do is kiss her cheek, or hand, and she loses it

- she lets you do her hair every morning, ah so today you decided to do her normal look? With the ponytail with some hair down? Or maybe a full on ponytail? Or maybe a little braid, or maybe just leaving her hair down for the day? Yeah who knows! Really she doesn’t care you do her hair everyday now

- speaking of which likes you playing with her hair even if she doesn’t admit it or say much about it

- hugs are often from her but usually when nobody’s around, she’s been through a lot... especially for a 12 year old.. (probably you too), just hug it out y’all

- she has a problem saying that she loves you, not that she doesn’t but she feels almost scared to say it.. like maybe you don’t love her and just like her

- after all, you guys are young.. how would you even know what romantic love is?

- but deep down you both know that nobody else would ever in a million years make you guys feel how you two feel about eachother

- on multiple occasions thought of leaving this all behind with you and falco and just living in a forest or something together but she knows she wouldn’t be happy that way

- she was meant to fight, but she and you make a promise to try not to die in this shitty war

- she will brag about how amazing of a girlfriend she is, but also brag about how you’re a wonderful s/o and how everyone should be jealous of how happy she is

- you know how she screamed while those mfs were getting trampled? Yeah if anyone were to hurt you she screams that kinda crazy ...

- she’s just extremely protective and really doesn’t wanna lose you too:( she’s lost some close friends and she’s scared of losing you as well

- kinda just always sticks to you like glue

- Levi just refers to you as the brats s/o

- real talk though Sasha would’ve adored you guys and been your biggest shipper

- gabi gets embarrassed if anyone says how cute you guys are

( not interested in him romantically either but he is a fav)

- falco realizes quite quickly that he likes you, gabi loves to constantly remind him and tease him to hell about it which is so annoying to him ...

- while he worries about you .. way too often.. if you ever wanted to become a titan he is doing everything he can to make sure it doesn’t happen

- he is extremely blushy and flustered around you like at all times

- he can’t say for certain he’s in love, after all he’s a kid and he knows at that age he has no idea what that shit is but at the same time he’s never felt this way for anyone in his life and he doesn’t think he ever will

- protective of you, especially in battles. Would not hesitate to jump in front of you to save you and take any hits he can for you. He does this for gabi and still does. He’s a protective guy when it comes to you two

- he lacks the confidence to tell you how he feels, he is extremely shy with you

- eventually gabi eggs him on so much that he’s basically forced to ask you out

- he’s relieved you say yes

- he’s even more blushy around you though, and ends up panicking because he’s not sure how he should be around you..

- should he act different? Or the same? Yeah you get it

- he loves holding your hand though, while it does make him die on the inside it makes him happy and warm

- hug him and he will die

- kiss him and he will die like 10 times over

- seriously this boy can’t handle affection without having like a heart attack or something

- gabi just thinks it’s so hilarious

- sometimes gabi purposelessly gets you guys to kiss so he can just die

- he’s an awkward boy but he loves you ... yes he loves you

- he’s way too scared to say it though, what if it’s too soon, what if you laugh, etc.

- will genuinely get mad in a relationship now though if you still wanna be a titan.. before he kept it to himself but he believes he deserves a say now that you’re dating and really hates the idea of your life being shortened

- eventually he admits he loves you, he wants you to live a long life, he wanted you guys to get married someday

- he would have dreams, fantasies, about you guys getting married.. even before you were dating

- it’s how he realized his feelings

- he would have dreams about you all the time

- now he still does, but he can just visit you at night and be by your side

- if he can, he’d like to buy you things and overall spoil you

- or try to take you out on dates as often as he could

- everyone knew about his crush though if we’re being honest he is obvious as fuck

- he would be too shy to hug you, but secretly wants a big hug from you give him a hug you both have been through it

- secretly a clingy boy don’t comment on it he will die

- he just wants to keep you safe and protect you please let him protect you

- she’s a bit of a tsundere let’s be real! She can be a bit mean at times and brush you off

- or just relentlessly tease you

- however she cares about you, she wanted you to live a long life and not get yourself involved in this fucked up shit

- that’s why she for the longest time wanted you in the military police

- and why it’s so obvious to everyone else that she likes you

- she eventually admits her feelings thanks to marlo and she is forever grateful to him for it even after him being gone

- hand holding is often, and gives you a big kiss on the cheek usually

- she’s not shy about her relationship, she wants everyone to know. She doesn’t see it as weakness

- besides she lost an important friend, she wants you to know you’re important to her and that she isn’t ashamed of you or to be with you.

- enjoys teasing you in general, sometimes will tease and call you a perv even if you’re so obviously not being one she loves to embarrass you

- often feels worried whenever she can’t be with you

- she often freaks herself out and thinks something bad might’ve happened to you

- she always tries to be respectful of you and your boundaries, while this is a normal thing to do she really gets worried about overstepping ever and will apologize even when she doesn’t have to

- something about you just makes her more soft and more worried she’s doing something bad or wrong

- protective gal that will kick anybody’s ass for you to keep you safe

- in the world you live in though, kinda necessary isn’t it?

- she tries to take you on dates and even if it isn’t always a common occurrence she tries her best

- kinda wants to baby you sometimes but she also knows how annoyed she’d be if you did so

- she just cannot help but act like a mom sometimes to you, especially if you don’t know how to take care of yourself

- now that you’re dating flirting with you is quite common, she likes to flirt !

- especially if it makes you flustered, all of a sudden she’s a huge flirt now

- overall you make her nervous and flustered, so she wants you to feel the same

- totally used to gush about you to like Annie before you guys started dating, she couldn’t help it! Thankfully Annie found it amusing

- still even after all these years swoons over you like damn how are you so attractive

- still tries to convince you to stop fighting within the survey corps if she can but she knows she can’t at this point with how long it’s been going on you’ve clearly had your mind made up for awhile now

- she wants to start a family with you but doesn’t know how to tell you

- honestly just wants a normal life with you she loves you so much

- (btw, y’all end up having kids named Sasha and marlo <//3)

- she hates the idea of you dying it’s something she thinks about extremely often and she gets nightmares

- she tries to keep that from you, honestly she tries to make herself look strong in front of you like all the time

- she eventually opens up doe

- give her cuddles and hugs ;( plz

- oohhh boy here we go

- if falco was bad enough well here’s armin

- motherfucker dies if you even look his way

- he’s so blushy and so nervous, he cannot help it

- he would eventually get comfortable around you though, and would often talk to you about the sea and things he wanted to explore with you together

- or read books for you to fall asleep to

- it made him happy when you did though, it meant you were comfortable enough to fall asleep around him

- if you ever teased him he wouldn’t know what to say and would just stutter and not get his words out

- in general stutters around you from time to time he can’t help it you make him so nervous

- he told you how he felt of course because of mikasa and eren

- when you guys started dating though, he still didn’t know how to go about romance as it was entirely new to him.

- in a relationship? Not a protective guy let’s be real you’re the one protecting him half the time and he always feels embarrassed about it

- he gets worried easily though, if you’re fighting and tend to be reckless.. it’s easy to be overprotective of a rather weak boy so it’s likely he’s constantly worrying about you .. yeah

- more courage now that you’re dating so if you tease him he may stutter but at least he’ll try to defend himself a bit better

- loves giving you cheek kisses

- shy boy is not for pda but if you wanted it who is he to deny

- likes holding your hand, loves when you hold his hand... man he just loves you so much please

- he probably spent a lot of time talking about you to Annie

- he’s thought about starting a family with you but truly cannot bring himself to talk to you about it, in the world you’re in and the place he holds .. he will just have to wait

- while a smart person, you are somebody he will go to for advice from time to time

- mostly though, he wants to be somebody you can rely on

- spoils you, my god he is such a simp he can’t help but spoil you

- sometimes you’re a distraction he will just stare at you and when he gets caught he’s so embarrassed

- like armin is so obviously in love with you wtf

- he likes being hugged a lot

- often lays his head on your lap and falls asleep he finds it calming

- he’s very sweet, and calls you sweetheart or honey

- he likes to just remind you how much he loves and cares for you, he never wants you to forget.. even if it makes him blushy and embarrassed

- hitch totally teases him about how lame and mushy he can be when it comes to you

- you’re his biggest motivation to finish this war for good

- also he is quite insecure in a relationship but he’s generally insecure asf just reassure him <//3

- what a sweet gal! She loves spending time with you, talking to you about random shit like how your day was and whatnot

- sometimes complains to you about how tough the day was or how hard Levi made her work lol

- or about all the cleaning

- she tells eren about you quite often and even somebody as dumb as eren catches onto her feelings for you

- she’s aware of her feelings.. or eventually becomes aware of them

- she’s not sure initially what to do with them, she’s young but she’s not an idiot and she understands that loving somebody in this line of work isn’t ideal

- she hasn’t truly experienced what others have though, she doesn’t understand the full extent

- so she allows herself to selfishly tell you how she feels

- she’s glad you return them, and if you weren’t already in Levi squad you are now as you show to be an important asset

- often you two will clean together and spend as much time as you can, you keep your relationship mainly secretive

- it’s unprofessional and besides you two might be separated due to Levi’s order

- it’s just best to say you work better together, which you do btw

- while her father believes she’s too young to marry, he does like you nonetheless

- she’s always embarrassed when he brings up the marriage thing and how she’s still young

- the idea of getting married to you just makes her flustered and drives her crazy that’s all

- not for pda, again your relationship is a secret

- Levi catches on, he could care less

- holds your hand mainly, kisses your hand, caresses it ... she loves your hands please

- often jokes around with you, she always did but moreso now that you’re dating

- she likes to tease you a bit but it’s all in good fun, plus bonus points if you get flustered

- she wants to brush and do your hair in the morning (yes even if short)

- she lets you brush and do her hair too though

- in a modern au would totally be the type to make you music playlists and have you listen to them but okay

- she finds comfort in being around you, even in her worst times

- which would’ve saved her tbh

- she tries not to think too much about the future, or a future that could be without you.. she just wants to live in the present with you for now and pretend everything’s gonna be okay

- she’s (mainly cuz of her father) had thoughts about having a normal life with you and getting married and having kids

- she knows that can’t happen, not for a long time :(

- clings to your arm a lot

- she’s good at comforting you

- she’d do anything to keep you from being moody or sad

- she’s also very sappy sometimes

- blushy boy, anytime he’s around you his entire face is filled with an enormous blush that anybody can notice

- while people might not notice things about bertholdt they can at the very least notice his rather obvious crush on you

- if you haven’t made a move by now you either wanna see him do it himself or your oblivious as fuck

- lots of stutters

- probably sweats a little tbh

- stares at you constantly, it’s hard not to notice and Reiner comments on it quite a bit

- if you’re a soldier he definitely feels guilty, but considers taking you back home with Reiner (kinda like ymir with historia)

- he tells you how he feels finally because Reiner keeps egging him about it

- he’s a blushy mess as he confesses, but he’s happy that you say yes

- in a relationship he can be insecure at times, he doesn’t think highly of himself so it’s to be expected

- just reassure him:(

- of course you would know about his secret if you’re a soldier, and you’d have to be okay with it and not expose him. Of course he’ll say his side of the story and all that. It’s likely you take his now

- he’s still a blushy nervous ... and rather obvious boy

- sometimes he just wants to hold your hand but is too shy to but he’s so obvious about it since he keeps staring

- just take this mf hand already

- he’s too shy for a lot of things tbh

- also side note if you’re really short like historia that is so funny to him but he doesn’t say it out loud

- will absolutely swoon if you touch or play with his hair, first of all you’re probably too short to reach his hair so it’s not a common occurrence (or if not, always in public), but also because nobody’s done that before it makes him feel so loved

- after dating for awhile and being a bit more confident he is the type to say I love you often, he can’t help it because he genuinely does love you but sometimes is scared it’ll lose its meaning because he says it so often

- is extremely protective actually, light cause him to make some grave mistakes on the battlefield because of how protective he can be of you

- you in general got him swooning

- he likes to cook for you (back at home?)

- in general would love to just spoil you

- if you do the same he dies

- if you ever compliment him, big blush on his face

- honestly can’t help but talk about you to Reiner, Reiner likes hearing about it though and he’s not annoyed by it because Reiner is a sweet boy that likes hearing his friend be happy

- while he likes you laying on him, likes laying on you more, like your lap or something ..

- he’s a big cuddle baby he wants to be held despite being so tall he is just.. please

- he wants to protect you during the day but at night just wants to feel safe and protected in your arms

- if you were ever threatened, if you are attacked and etc he is gonna be yelling he ain’t going down without a fight

- you make his brain short circuit and you make him stupid

[domesticated-feral]

ask game!

thank you for the tag @scribeoffate and @nacreousgore

Name: Feral also known as Tyler.

Fandoms: I like a lot of media, of various types. But the ones I've done the most interaction with is this one bandom that shall not be named and the Teen Wolf fandom. Although im not as immersed in these as I was because other cool things joined the chat, but im still knee deep in it though.

Most popular oneshot:

By Kudos: surprisingly (because i havent gone on ao3 in like months) Fake It 'til You Make It is top with 174 kudos!!!! It's a stackson fake dating/office setting/besties AU

By hits: it's I'm Yours which is also surprising but not unexpected. A smutty sciles oneshot.

Most popular multichapter: I have like 4 multichaptered fics and its undoubtedly the sterek AU fanfic i pantsed during nanowrimo of 2020.

Actual worst part of writing: having no time to write, having motivation but being unable to write. As a writer, thats the most frustrating part to ever experience and continue to experience.

How do you choose your titles? I understand that many writers find this part hard. But I find it pretty easy and I can think of titles in a moderate amount of time. I have three methods: placeholder title that you get attached to, or jumble up key words to make something or PUNS. If situation is dire, just resort to fic #19239283. (this is a callout to 2019 me who titled the first two sterek oneshots i posted to ao2 titled sterek oneshot #1 and sterek oneshot #2 respectively)

Do you outline? Pantser here. But sometimes i write down how i want a fic/chapter to go if i get too confused, its a 50/50 chance whether the outline gets followed or not.

Ideas I probably wouldn't get around to, but wouldn't it be nice if I would?

Most of ideas, blurbs, vague plotty dialogue exchanges which end up jotted down in the notes app probably. Some of them, I think about a lot, I yearn to write them but I haven't gotten around to doing it yet. For one, I would really love writing a fic where Scott is as recklessly selfless as he is in canon and Jackson having none of that bullshit, uses his paralyzing venom to stop Scott from being selfless to the point that he's willing to risk his life against a threat. He can get around to defeating that threat later when there's a better plan but for now, Scott's gotta sit tight. Whether that be voluntarily or involuntarily is up to him....or not.... idk where this idea is going but i want more of it.

Callouts @ Me: liking other things doesn't mean you're abandoning one thing for another. ALSO, don't feel guilty that you're prioritizing studies and stuff like that over stuff that's less arduous like fic writing or drawing...you'll get time to do them soon.

Best writing trait: I don't necessarily overthink about what others might think of what i write and i just write what i want? is that a good trait?

Spicy Tangential Opinion: S4 could've been greater if they had gone with one plot arc instead of trying to balance both the kate werejaguar berserker arc and the deadpool arc at the same time.

I don't think that's as spicy as one would think, but like...s4 could've been less confusing if the writers just focused on one or the other.

Tagging @ all my writer friends who havent been tagged to do this, i cant think rn im so tired and i wanna sleep. it's only been 2 days into this week and im already tired whyyyyy

[garrothromeave]

the hell is mystreet season 6??

(warning, long post ahead)

ok so before i start this

1) ive never posted shiiiit on tumblr before so watch me suffer, im just here to talk about stuff that my friends who dont know anything about aphmau have to listen to me rant about for hours on end

2) i havent seen mystreet in like years (except season 3, i watch that frequently since im laurance and shadow knight deprived) so please bear with me because i might be completely wrong on this lol. it’s just like, pointing out things i remember

3) im sure someones already talked about this but who cares

4) im gonna do this stupid thing where i just explain myself a bit at first, if you dont want to read that just skip to the part where you see “the actual thingy:” in bold and italics 

5) mild disclaimer; i am completely aware that jessica is not a professional writer. i know that she did her best to appeal to her fans, and honestly, respect for that. while this post will come off as aggressive and probably look like hate, that’s not my intention in the slightest. it’s just... intense criticism. im sure y’all probably already know that, but yeah, just stating that anyways. i do believe that jess is doing her best, and in no way do i want to dismiss any hard work she’s done. that being said; prepare for a very strongly opinionated post.

haha watch there be 10000+ typos in this making me look like a complete dumbass

ok here we go 

one of the main reasons i stopped watching aphmau back in 2017 was the mess that was season 4. like, in the first few episodes of the emerald secret, i thought “woah!! this is kinda cool, im a sucker for mystery!” because of course i was, it was something new and something exciting. the only problem i had with it at the time was kim, but that’s just because i always found her annoying and out of place. i just didn’t understand why garroth dragged her along and honestly i still don’t to this day BUT, moving on.

anyways, as the season progressed, 13 year old me was of course just “:0!!” the entire time--that is, up until the reveal of the main villain. i remember watching the episode, seeing the reveal of ein, and then stopping. like, just for a quick break, but i was still just overwhelmingly disappointed. like, and this was the time when pdh was airing and ein just got made alpha (i think?) and i had really really liked eins character in pdh. either way, that really sucked and actually opened my eyes to a lot of things.

one of the main things bein’ the fact that this was supposed to be a slice of life kinda series that decided to take a turn to a more edgy kinda approach. which, i guess i regularly wouldnt mind? but seeing as mcd was kinda bein neglected at the time it just didnt sit right with me. BUT WHATEVER, point is i stopped watching mystreet all together at the end of season 4.

like, a whole year later my brother tells me that shit’s getting intense in season 5 + 6 of mystreet, and my brilliant self decided to give it a shot--but i refused to watch all of season 5, so i only stepped in when ein made an appearance. so whenever that was, that’s where i picked up because i didnt care enough to see 

and y’know--i honestly didn’t hate it at first. in fact, i found it oddly cool. it wasn’t enough to get me into aphmau again, but it was enough to where i was intrigued. i dont know why, but i never watched the finale, so i didnt see the ending until just a few weeks ago--but back then, i thought it was neat. looking back on it however... im just so confused. 

side note: only got back into aphmau this time around because of mcd. mainly because like, i adore the first season and the first half of the second season. and being nearly 18 now, im a lot more appreciative of plot and well-written characters n junk. 

the actual thingy:

ok back on track. imma stop spilling out my story of how i got back into aphmau, and lets just skip to what rewatching mcd made me realize of season 6′s plot and shit:

-emmalyn. how the fuck does ghost even remotely exist? if she’s emmalyn as claimed, then why have we already seen emmalyn in the mystreet universe alive? look i get that creators can do whatever they want with their stories but at the same time please provide some sort of explanation good god. and maybe they did and i just havent seen it, so if there is one--let me know. but until that day imma just sit here confused as fuck

-ok so imma just be real, the whole ‘ultima’ thing is just... not great. in my opinion, anyways. like... i saw someone mention this in another post, but if this ultima stuff was like, a really big deal, why isnt it mentioned in mcd? though i suppose since its a curse of sorts, it could be later on past the time period in which mcd takes place--but even then, how did it manage to make its way into aaron’s family bloodline? 

-WHY IS EVERYONE AT STARLIGHT ITS JUST SO CONVINIENT like what happened to this place being the most expensive shit on the planet or whatever, and how the gang happens to run into like, the werewolf trio and blaze and kai and guy and nate all of these people like god damn life doesnt WORK LIKE THAT 

-im sorry but turning people into relics? thats... thats the best you could come up with? plus, like, how does that even work? in mcd it’s established that relics are separate entitles that choose their wielder, based on a ‘personal’ connection (being a descendent of a previous wielder) or if they’re a good match personality and (i think?) moral wise. so the whole turning-people-into-relics doesnt make much sense to be honest. 

-irene really over here using her god powers to only keep her friends alive like god damn not a great god if you ask me 

-can i talk about how incredibly predictable aphmaus death was? like i just kinda sat there waiting for it to happen and when it did i literally went “haha! wonder when she’ll be revived” because god forbid we actually kill off characters 

-when aphmau + demon warlock fought in the irene dimension there was no passage of time whatsoever in the real world whiiiiiiiiich really bothers me because they fought in there for at least a few minutes

-speaking of aphmau and the demon warlocks fight does it bother anyone else that it had to be aaron who took over the fight?? like we get it hes the big protector blah blah blah but god damn it wouldve been cooler if aphmau had fought this battle as her. aaron fighting this battle was so underwhelming

-...love. like, thats the only thing thats needed to break out of a forever potion? love? LIKE YEAH, GOOD GUYS GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW, but its just so cliche and overdoneeee

-oh yeah and also when travis went bonkers and became the demon warlock or whatever, why’d he only take over katelyn and garroth?? like, zane had been influenced by the potions in the past as well? DONT GET ME WRONG--i do love some good brother edge, but uh, the demon warlock was just bein kinda a dumbass by not possessing zane too just sayin’

-can aaron please go to fucking jail for mass murder now like holy shit, he just got sent home on a fuckin boat. also why did blaze forgive him for killing him thats not even remotely realistic. then again, nothing in mystreet has ever been realistic when it comes to characters and motives and personalities, (cough katelyn being actually abusive and travis being an actual pervert) but yknow whatever

-katelyn and kawaii chan literally added nothing to the plot whatsoever. like lets be real, katelyn lost her personality the moment season 5 started and kawaii chan just kinda sits there :I

-ok im sorry this was bound to come up but cmon guys imagine laurances potential if he was in season 6 like god damn this is beyond maddening. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY REALLY COOL PARRALLEL?? IF IT WAS LAURANCE WHO SNAPPED GARROTH OUT OF HIS MIND CONTROL THING, because it would mimic laurance’s speech to get garroth to snap out of his rage in season 1, episode 100 of minecraft diaries. like how fuckin rad would that have been? missed opportunity 

-also?? why does kim/ghost know magicks?? like, if i remember correctly, emmalyn is a scholar--not someone who knew magicks. i mean, i guess research? study?? but its been established that knowing how magicks works =/= being able to use magicks. i dunno, just doesnt seem right i guess. maybe its explained, i wouldnt know (yes i know that makes me look like a dick leave me alone)

-melissa should have stayed dead. LIKE, NO, ITS NOT AS SIMPLE AS “haha it takes more than a few bullets to kill me”??? look ive got nothing wrong with melissa (cough lie cough) but yknow it would have just been cool a character... stay dead? for once? its just too fuckin cliche that shes alive god damn

-can i also just say the only good thing that came out of season 6 was travis’ dads sacrifice like damn that made me actually sad

-howww was lucinda turned into a relic. or yknow, anyone else? like im sure they explain it better in the actual show i just dont remember, but its just that easy? turning anyone into a relic? granted, a normal person wouldnt be able to produce a good relic, but idk man. IM JUST SAYING; that the only really powerful relics that aphmau should have been able to wield is the one that aaron + zane produced because shad relic and esmund relic moment. lucinda isnt even like, connected to a divine warrior. ALSO, another point, if its seriously that powerful of a relic getting one from just a magic user like lucinda, why go through the trouble? i mean i guess ofc youd want the “all powerful” one that the ultima produces but i mean damn whats the point

-ok this is just going to bother me but in one of the episodes (i think might have been in season 5 actually) where that like, guardian dude was chasing aphmau and zane and at one point they split up and the dude just chuckles at zane diverting paths and goes under his breath “youre not the important one here”, suggesting that aphmau somehow is? first of all, id argue that any ro’meave is significantly more important than aphmau was, especially not knowing much about her other than that shes with aaron. i might be missing some bits an pieces, but if i was that dude id forget about aphmau and go after zane 

-killing off derek for shock factor sucked, and i know the moment was supposed to be really sad because like “oh :( aarons dad is sacrificing himself for his son” but lets be real dereks still was a shitty father and i dont think his reasons for doing what he did was very good at all

-less about plot or more like: why the absolute fuck did the gang bring kim along instead of, oh i dont know, a life-long friend? like, laurance or dante maybe?? im sure its explained, i never saw aphmaus year or most of season 5, but god DAMN id hate to be apart of this friend group AND GOD LIKE, imagine reconnecting with an old friend who ends up getting closer to your best friends and taking priority in their lives over you (cough laurance) like god damn lol

-im just going to preface this one with: i dont remember everything that’s happened, so if im wrong i apologize in advance--but (you actually can correct me if im wrong and please do) didnt like, irene reincarnate her friends in order to give them better lives? I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE, ITS JUST WHAT I REMEMBER--however, if im correct, then:

a. why the hell would she bring back someone like zane, or gene, or ivy, etc.

b. why the hell do they all have the same exact names? first and last? again, im aware that the whole mystreet+mcd tie wasn’t originally supposed to be there, but i dont think that means such a coincidence can be excused? its just a bit much if you ask me.

c. why the hell is the fact that (as much as i literally hate this) aaron is a decedent of shad being ignored? like, you’d think that something like this would be something thats actually important, or something the demon warlock couldve taken advantage of. or are we completely erasing every other connections to divine warriors besides aphmau + irene? because even if irene did reincarnate them or do whatever it is she did, does she even have the power to sever the connections between them and their ancestors? my guess is, no.

d. speaking of irene why on earth was aphmau able to talk to/see irene, they’re literally the same person are they not? did she like, fuckin reincarnate herself without actually doing it?? BUT--i will give it to them, the demon warlock did refer to aphmau as something along the lines of being “one of the 3 parts of her broken soul” or something like that. however, my point still remains. also what are the other two did i miss that or is it never explained

now; if irene in fact did not ‘reincarnate’ her friends then please ignore that little bit right there :)

but yes, those are a few of the problems i have with season 6 off the top of my head. i would go into like, season 4 and 5 more as well, but i honestly didnt feel like it. at some point i might go into other things, like how important laurance could have been to the plot of these later seasons, or HELL, even dante. i might also go into what could have made season 4, 5, and 6 actually good--maybe... a rewrite? perhaps? but im getting too far ahead of myself, so i just leave you with this for now.

and i know that as soon as i post this 15 more things are just going to pop into my head BUT im going to try and not edit this post because why stress myself with that even more

anyways thank you for coming to my tedtalk 

[hells-oc-world]

Ey yo man are you alive here?._. because bbieal fandom already died for people think

So I was thinking you're not posting 😐

Can you tell me everything about your AU? :) Really interested and need in that! And lazy to read by myself. Will be glad for answer U_U

And your character.Your little dark-skinned dude with black eyes. The main here, he looks cute at last post.

I don't really know this fandom and rarely interested in that. But, I think your Baldi shouldn't be hairy? Or is this your fantasies and style?

Goodbye :D

(We are very much not dead! We just been a little busy. I have medical issues to sort out irl and my partner who also works on this blog Mod Pepper has been working so we havent been keeping up with the blog as of late. But I'm trying to get motivation to answer asks!

About the AU, it's a long story and I kinda fell through on it but the main character with the black eyes is named Vince. He was human before and had a wife and a kid, but his wife filed for divorce after many years due to Vince's anger issues and mental abuse and out of anger and greed, he killed his kid so he didnt have to fight for custody over her. The shock of realizing what hes done was too much for his heart and he had a heart attack and died. He went to hell and was cursed to be a satyr with tar in his eyes, throat, and bloodstream. He and a few others (like baldi, gotta sweep, mrs. pomp. and cloudy copter) were sentence to filename2's realm (who is the deadly sin of greed and a god) and force to work in a school with unusual demon children. Lately though, after Satan being dethroned and Lucifer taking his place, Filename2 (or Danny) has been given more freedom to do what he wants with his subjects. He decided that all his subjects are allowed to free roam Earth if they please, and only very dangerous entities are not allowed to leave Hell.

Vince (the principal) stayed in Hell for he had no reason to go to Earth for a while, until he was accidentally summoned by a vampire named Vladimire. The two hit it off and long story short, they fell in love and had two kids and are on their way to get married! Hopefully this explanation is understandable cuz I'll be honest, I'm not very good at keeping plot in order lmao

I'm glad you like him! Vince started out as a very mean and cruel person but has recently soften up a little and is mostly just a sarcastic, loud, lazy ass. His fiance really made him realize to be a better person :)

When it comes to my Baldi (who I named Emmit), I gave him hair because I personally dont like to draw people without hair since it's my favorite part to draw. I also thought hed look cuter with hair! That's the only reason he has hair lol.

Thank you for taking interest in my AU! It's a little messy but hopefully understandable enough!)

[magicalcrwn]

update!

also hi, i’m alive! i have something to say so let me get this out, okay? maybe this’ll address my inactivity.

first off, i gotta put down this warnings so here we go

tw // mental health issues, depression, mentions of suicide

as you may know, i started this blog around this time and i believe this blog’s 2 year anniversary is coming up soon. i was super into kpop, specifically bangtan, but now i’m just… eh. i still listen to it, i’m not into it as much lately.

since posting “lost, then found” last year, my health just went COMPLETELY down. i was a junior when i posted that and my god, i wasn’t used to being online full time at school and THAT absolutely obliterated any will to live or keep going in me for like the majority of the school year. heck, the pandemic even made me do worse at school. i failed half of my classes and now i’m doing credit recovery classes this year as a senior so i can graduate :/

luckily, i was able to see a therapist around january-february which helped a lot. i believe hybrid learning started around february or march at that time too which also sort of helped even though it was, yknow, hybrid. i was able to somewhat get back onto my feet even though i lacked lots of motivation. HOWEVER i still didnt have the will to write or do anything i love throughout the year.

as i’m writing this, i’m currently in my last year of high school and as mentioned before, i’m trying my best to get my credits in on time to graduate. i had to stop seeing my therapist last month when school started due to scheduling BUT i’ve been doing well compared to last year. i’m back on campus full-time (with mask mandate, thank GOD) and i’m finally able to pull myself back to where i was or better than where i was before the pandemic.

i’m slowly getting back into writing, just step by step. right now, i’ve been starting off with roleplaying on discord and twitter and that’s been helping me get back on my feet. and i also opened an anime/video game blog called @crystillyzed ! rn there’s only one post and its a tears of themis hc post, i’m trying to finish my drafts in there like two of them are 80% done. OH SPEAKING OF ANIME/VIDEO GAMES

during the past year, i’ve started getting back into anime and playing more video games. i used to be super into them before being introduced to kpop. my brother introduced me to jujutsu kaisen a month or two after s1 ended and that got me back into anime. in fact! my current twitter rp account is a jjk oc!! i might bring my oc onto tumblr but i havent checked the community here. as of video games, i’ve been playing final fantasy xiv a lot with both of my brothers. and my bf, THATS RIGHT BF IM DATING A HIMBO AND I LVOE HE, introduced me to genshin impact!! i started playing genshin around the start of last month and i’m already in inazuma at ar 36. i’ll prob start writing for genshin on the other blog.

while i’m no longer into kpop as much anymore, i still love bts and txt even though at this point i’m just someone streaming their releases. yeah, i’m super behind on btxt content. i still wanna continue writing on this blog, but i may rebrand and just write whatever or whenever i feel like writing. this is still a hobby and one i enjoy a lot.

this is a super hefty update post but if you read all the way to the end, thank you for sticking around AND ALSO! I HIT 200 FOLLOWERS??? WHAT. THANK YOU OMG I WANTED TO DO A FOLLOWER EVENT BUT MAN CONSIDERING HOW DEAD I’VE BEEN ON HERE, I’LL HAVE TO SAVE IT FOR LATER.

ANYWAY this has been lucy!! ily all!!!! 💖💖

[leeemon22]

Drarry idea?

i wrote this in my notes app ages ago (around july 2020?), and just came across it again and thought that i would post it here to see if it is something that others find plausable and interesting for a fic to be made about.

so obviously it starts with the idea that draco had a crush on harry during his time at hogwarts. but it is not that simple.

to accept this idea, you have to also sort of accept the idea that lucius malfoy was not a good father. he was not supportive. examples of lucius showing how bad he is at being a father include

his reaction to draco falling off his broom in his first quiddich game (was he embarrassed? ashamed?)

how he treated draco in borgin and burkes (obviously you dont want him messing with the stuff because some of it is likely dangerous, but you dont need to go swinging that cane/wand around like that to prove your point)

the way he tried to force draco to identify harry in the malfoy manor (narcissa basically had to tell him to calm down because be was trying to force draco to identify harry so that lucius could make up his failures)

the fact that he was willing to try kill harry when he was only 12 years old???? and when dumbledore was only in the other room??

theres likely more instances that i havent even mentioned, but this is just to maybe help justify dracos actions towards harry over the 7 books. i believe that these examples, which for some arent even in private, show that at home lucius was likely not any better. maybe whenever he got angry or did anything to upset draco, narcissa would come into his room afterwards at night to comfort him, and say “your father loves you very much draco, he is just a busy and stressed out man” or something along those lines/

draco would become so used to hearing that his father loves him despite what his actions might suggest, that internally he would somewhat begin associating this behaviour as a behaviour that was done with love

and then we get him with harry

and maybe hes in denial at the beginning, or maybe hes just oblivious, and he just thinks that he wanra ro pick on harry because harry rejected his friendship. but in reality hes trying to express his emotions in a way that he is used to ‘witnessing’. harry doesnt see him as a friend, so hes gotta do the next best thing which is bully him in the same way that his father bullies him, because hes subconsciously created this idea that it is acceptable to treat the people you care about this way. 

there could even be instances where draco actually tried to act in a more affectionate way, but we wouldnt really know much about this because harry was so oblivious about half the stuff going on around him.

if anyone would actually read this as a fic, let me know, and let me know whether its something you would rather read within 5-20k word range, or 50-100k range or whatever like that. i wanna do something that people would actually read, and getting feedback will help me to motivate myself to actually write this

some other ideas that i would input into a fic include

one of the first things dobby says to harry is that it is an honour to meet him, but being a malfoy elf makes that hard to believe, unless hes overheard stories from draco 👀

in the chamber of secrets movie, draco is seen ripping a page out of a book at the beginning, and i like to believe that that is the page that hermione used to learn about the basilisk, so thank you draco

and the following is two different ways i can go towards the end, being stick to canon with

in the bathroom, when draco was going to cast crucio, it would not have worked because you have to actually mean it - he did not mean it

the reason narcissa asks harry about draco in the forest is because she has spent the last 7 years listening to draco talk about harry, whether that be in a complaining or affectionat way, she knows that harry will know whether draco is ok. a mother just knows

drarry begins to develop after the final battle

or i can diverge from canon around 6th year? harry knows something is up, and somehow rather than casting sectumsempra, ends up helping out draco and drarry begins to develop during this time.

when draco hears about his task and that the plan is to kill harry, he becomes uneasy about everything, but his father is still 100% believing in voldemort despite everything. draco begins questioning all of his family beliefs and values, because if his father has faith in the dark lord when he doesnt, then what other values should he reevaluate?

if youve gotten far enough that you are actually reading this, i thank you for your time and hope you have a great day, and let me know if this is something you want me to actually write (id likely write it on ao3 but might also do wattpad if people want me to)

[latetaektalk]

content creator year in review

tagged by: @luvdsc @yeojaa @gamerkooks thanks to all of you 💖

first creation and most recent creation of 2020: 

unspoken rules is my first creation of 2020 and i honestly i cringe so hard thinking about this one sadf like, i feel like it was so obvious that i had literally no idea what i was doing and was just writing for the sake of writing something? i dont know. not a fan of that fanfic asdfad

my most recent creation would be my love to hate you series

one of your favorite creations from 2020: 

even though i would change a few things now, it definitely has to be after i left you! ive never written such a long fic and in such a short time too!! my baby really

a creation you’re really proud of: 

i mean id say after i left you again, but i think aside from that one, im also really proud of my love to hate you series! its gonna be a long series and the fact that i havent lost motivation yet, really surprises me,, so im really proud of myself for that

a creation that took you forever:  

oh definitely how to love,, i put it on hiatus almost right away after posting it... still passionate abt the idea and premise of the fic tho. definitely gonna rewrite that fic!!

a creation from 2020 that received the most notes:  

my baby, after i left you !!

a creation you think deserved more notes:  

uh i dont know honestly? but i think if i had to name one of my fics, it’d be my the one that got away fic maybe. like, i also cringe reading that one, but i think some parts are actually good

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it:  

wouldnt say i joined the nct fandom because i had been listening to them since their debut, but i definitely did get into them more this year. and so far ive only written two-ish pieces for them: the one that got away and how to love

a creation you made that breaks your heart:  

hm, i guess the one that got away because i was feeling very sad when i was writing that,, 

a ‘simple’ creation that you really love:  

i dont know, but i guess the one that got away fic is my most simple fic? its just friends to lovers, but aside from that one (because i think ive mentioned that fic about twenty times now), i would say my break up with me series

a creation that was inspired by another one:  

hm, i guess my love to hate you series is kinda inspired by after i left you because i really wanted to write a proper fake dating au after that one!

a favorite creation created by someone else:  

oh my god, i have soo many and im sure im forgetting a few fics, but here are some that i still think about on a daily basis and why i love them so much:

reasons to say i love you by @onherwings​

probably has one of the best twists ever,, like i still remember how shocked i was when i got the ending and how i had to put down my phone and think for a second becuase oh my god. a+ angst really!

dumbing down of love, b-side and ellipsism by @luvdsc​

look, ddol is a romcom in story form, period. like, i laughed and screamed while reading it. b-side just took my heart and smashed it!! ellipsism... just broke me honestly sadfsf like i have a love-hate realtionship with that story because god, it is so well written and completely blew my mind, but on the other hand, it genuinely hurts so much

if not forever by @cosmoguk​

genuinely so in love with this drabble! i felt so much while reading it and im so sorry lira i havent gotten around to reviewing it properly because god, this drabble deserves so much love!

maybe so by @joonary​

the dialogue is hands down some of the best ive ever read!! and in general, im really in love with the relationship between the characters and the characters themselves,, its really such a great and fleshed out story!!

roseraie, they don’t love you like i love you by @yeojaa​

roeraie just hurts on a whole new level,, god, i kinda hate jungkook in this story asfasd they dont love you like i love you is kinda the opposite tho!! not only is the fic really well written (but everything by erin is so), the couple is also super interesting and fun- ugh, just go read it

primroses by @softguks​

crushed my heart. pulverised it. smashed it into tiny little pieces,, i genuinely have no words for this fic except read it because this is a masterpiece and will absolutely leave you in tears

for heartache by @sketchguk

this story just made me feel some type of way. i cant really describe it or put it into words,, reading this just made me sad in a way i cant describe? but in the best way possible,, the greatest fic to read right now!!

sun & moon by @ppangjae

you want a good fake dating au and enemies to lovers au? you read this one!! this wont disappoint, trust me. (i know i havent reviewed this properly yet, but i will get around to it!!)

hm i just realised this kinda turned into a fic rec list, but whatever i dont care,, all of the writers/stories deserve so much love so!!

some of your favorite content creators from the year:  

honestly everyone i just mentioned and everyone ive reblogged on my fic recs blog. 

and for good measure, another couple more creations of yours that you love:  i think ive mentioned almost everything on my masterlist except love of my list and goodnight, so here!! go check out those two fics, do gotta say i cringe at both of them

tagging: i think most people have already done this, so im honestly not sure who im gonna tag? but here a few people whose answers id be really interested in! if youve done it already, sorry! @masterninjacow @cosmoguk @onherwings @dreamiesdotcom @joonary @gyukult @cafemiya @ppangjae

[happikattwuzheere]

im being deeply unproductive today, but in my defense i got a set of several complex pictures for the video project done last night, and i still have to actually assemble the files for editing and ill get to that but first let’s bust through some more of this backlog of deer boy au sketches and talk about ronan this time 

this is a LONG one probably, and also, yknow, because its ronan and esp because as you may have noticed he’s not exactly human in this au, there’s gonna be some discussion here of good ole ronan lynch angst-with-regards-to-his-existence-and-religion, so like, heads up there? and. discussion of like. some very sad things, but very very briefly. less discussion and more mention of them. look its ronan idk what to tell you aside from i have at least managed to avoid mentioning kavinsky for now so its not as bad as it could be anyway

(this is probably extremely rambly even for me, im so sorry. i can explain any number of things mentioned here in more detail if anyone would like) 

SO. ronan’s a cambion, at least by dnd terminology, idk how that term gets used in other contexts but the point here is he’s half-human and half-demon, BUT, v important to explain, even tho the characters don’t initially know this and it’s something they work out over time, demons are not necessarily devils; or, more accurately, there’s a category of creature that is not a fey but is somewhat fey-adjacent, follows their own very different set of rules to fey law and are reliant on ley lines in ways similar to a lot of fey beings and spaces, and that category of creatures was granted the name “demons” because that word already exists and this type of creature’s so misunderstood that people mistook them for devils. Whether the biblical demon also exists in this au i havent decided on and dont much plan to because its not super relevant 

BUT. taking inspiration from the horrible bee from canon, demons are, essentially, beings that are created due to a high degree of tragedy on a ley line, and the rules they operate by as well as their motivations are determined by the shape of that tragedy which created them. for example: the hornet demon from the books would be an example of what happens due to violence and bloodshed; it was born of blood shed in anger and life wrongly taken and as a result it exists only to destroy. however, not all demons are evil. example: take, say, a succubus (no stay with me hold on), like the one that niall lynch hooked up with made a deal with over in ireland one day. 

a succubus in this sense is a demon which is born of miscarriage; and they’re Like That because there, the tragedy is not one of destruction, but of lost potential and a life that never came to be. so a succubus is driven to make up for that lost potential in the form of, yknow, making another baby happen, 

and its that power of potential that is also why ronan’s got power over dreams still, it’s aaaall about creation and potential. and his mother, who he never actually met, she hecked off but niall kept the baby, wasn’t evil. just. operating on a different morality system but one which had no interest in hurting anybody. she’s still kicking around in ireland somewhere

RONAN meanwhile still has his two brothers, haven’t figured out yet if matthew’s still a dream thing or not, but. niall never got around to explaining how the demon thing worked before dying because it’s niall he’s terrible at explaining things. but ronan started being able to shapeshift p young--he’s got a fully human form, a fully demonic form, and a form that’s generally called hybrid but really he can shift to anywhere along the spectrum or just pop the wings or the tail out etc etc etc. his brothers both know ronan’s not human, its a family secret, its all chill, except then one day ronan shifts out the wings to help save a baby bird that fell out of a tree and someone outside the family sees that happen and from there things just get real bad and the lynches have to leave ireland in a hurry 

ronan’s demonic form actually ends up being strongly influenced by his own opinion of himself as he grows up; the church has him filled with enough doubt that he grows the horns and becomes more hulking and frightening and all that jazz, and he suspects that he would be burned or expelled from a church’s grounds if he were to shift forms on sacred ground, so he never tries it (he would not, because, as was previously stated, his mother isnt evil, but he doesnt know that) and he just. he hides it real hard. especially after niall gets himself murdered before ronan can finally just ASK about his mother

but! before that happens he meets gansey, who has a lot of interest in the fey and a theory that’s not quite right but is on the right track about demons being some poorly understood class of fey rather than something evil and that gives ronan a lot of hope for a while

yknow until he sees how much iron effs up someone who’s even got a LITTLE fey blood in them when adam gets shot and how when ronan holds that same arrowhead that put adam in so much pain it doesn’t hurt at all, rip 

he tells them that he’s a cambion well before he shows them the alt forms because there’s a point where he feels that they ought to know esp since ronan’s back to existential dread over what exactly he is, it’s kavinsky who ends up forcing him to shift in front of them for the first time, the whole kavinsky thing’s gonna DEFINITELY take at least one post all on its own a lot happens there, but for now: this is why ronan knew that pryderi wasn’t a normal deer (that and also because pryderi is a white tailed deer, which dont exist in england, so ronan was like, thats. thats not a real animal thats gotta be a fey) and also leads to some fun between him and noah because noah, unbeknownst to ronan, has decided that he and ronan are in fact engaged in a game of chicken to see who gets caught/outed for what they really are first. 

(ronan and gansey dont know what kind of fey noah is exactly. ronan assumes he’s something weak like a brownie. noah is definitely not a brownie) 

uhhh any more thoughtsssss 

last picture’s unfinished because idk why ronan’s fully demonic form is so hard for me to DRAW but he’s shaped roughly like beast from the disney movie, except as a big bird monster. also if ur someone he likes and you sleep using him as a pillow it’ll be the best sleep of your life w/ really good dreams and ronan also sleeps v well, its a thing that happens, ronan is in fact the best pillow 

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[pbandjesse]

Today was a nice day. I feel really content right now. I hope I can continue the trend of sleeping pretty good. I just hope I can wake up earlier tomorrow. Because were going to go see my parents and Im so excited. Now that we have negative test results it feels safer, especially since they havent left the house. Christmas is saved. 

I did have trouble motivating myself to get out of bed today. James was up and had already gone to get groceries before I was even a little awake. And as I was getting up he was getting ready to go to work. 

I had a busy day honestly. I got dressed and felt really good about myself. My hair looked great. I spent literally hours baking. Gotta have my christmas baked goods. I made a cake and some fruit bars. Felt really festive. Though trying to get the stupid cake out of the stupid decorative pan did not go well and James had to try to get it out later and it was slightly ugly but powdered sugar helped. Tastes good at least. 

While I was baking and simmering I was mostly listening to podcasts and just enjoying myself. It was a good day.

Once the cake went in the oven that would be almost 2 hours in there, so I put my boots on and walked to Walgreens. Just to get some air. Listen to some music. Pick up a couple things James wasnt able to get for me at the grocery store. Mostly a topcoat for my nails. I also got a gingerbread house making kit though and I hope we can make that together on Christmas Eve. I think that will be cute. Making memories. 

I came back home and took the cake out of the oven a few times to check it. The decorative pan made it really thick so I was concerned. But it seemed to be almost done. While it was finishing I ordered chipotle because they had free delivery. But man. Once it got to me it was the saddest chipotle Ive ever gotten. 

And I felt bad because it didnt even taste bad! It was just sad! I ordered a salad and didnt get any dressing, but I also didnt get any lettuce? There were like 6 pieces of sad lettuce. And so they put the normal amount of salad toppings on. So the bowl was half full. And they had raised the price of the chips and cheese and that was also half full! So I called customer service to be like. Hey what the heck. And the woman was so nice and refunded the whole thing, but then I got all worried that the driver wasnt going to get the tip I left her. But they said they wouldnt take that from her. And that made me feel better. 

I ate my sad chipotle and tried, and failed, to take the cake out of its pan. Then I spent a long while cutting out fabric in the studio and sewing. I got 9 bears and like 10 frogs ready to go. I cant finish anything until my new eyes get here but it was good progress. 

It was getting darker out. But it wasnt dark yet. I sat on the couch listening to a podcast and cutting the strings off the stuff I had sewn and flipping everything. But my back was hurting really bad. So once I was done with that I put them in a box to worry about later. And laid on the couch. 

Soon James was home. It was nice to have him here. We laid on the couch. He worked on some stuff. I worked on some stuff. HE made a pizza bagel. I ate cereal. It was just calm and nice. 

Around 7 we got on zoom for a surprise birthday call with his Uncle. It was really sweet. He has such a sweet family. And hearing about how much his Aunt loves his Uncle and how much his friends and siblings love him was the sweetest thing. 

Soon though we got off that call and James jumped on discord to do his trivia night with his friends and I went to the studio to stuff all the stuff I had sewn and do all the pinning I could until I ran out of pins. I am going to bring a bunch of the frogs with me in the car tomorrow. Maybe Ill get some sewing done. Im not holding myself to that but its a good enough goal. 

I got a shower and got ready for bed. And now I am here. Sweetp is here to. He looks so cute. I love my kitty. 

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Seeing my family and then playing santa, dropping off gifts with all our friends. So wish us safe travels. Wash your hands. Goodnight everyone!

[subarashiet]

lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58