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technowoah · 3 years ago

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Cant Handle This

Quackity's facade keeps breaking, and he tries to keep the pieces together. You're the only one who can make him show his true self

- Quackity x gen neutral reader

- this is a long one yall.

Now playing...

Can't Handle This (Kanye Rant)

Bo Burnham

0:01 ─●──────── 3:29

⚠︎ swearing, angst, mentions of mcyttwt, based on the song above, and ofc its not proofread

Part of my Inside Special!

Quackity sat in his chair currently streaming right now, he seemed like he was having a good time from your spot on his bed. You were currently laying on his bed after he invited you here to relax.

You two had laid in his bed just enjoying eachothers company until he got a call from Tommy saying he was ready for the lore stream which sent Alex into a frenzy. Alex sent out a quick "Im sorry" about the lateness of his stream and then quickly set everything up.

He then started to stream which left you alone on the the bed to your own devices. You were scrolling through Twitter looking at Alex's fans talk about what's happening on the stream and posting screenshots of his character and himself.

You admired him from afar as he ended the lore part of his stream, he took time to type on his phone to text you that he decided to stream longer to talk to his fans. He looked to you and you have him a nod with a smile and he gave one back.

"Hey guys! That's the end of the lore!" He exclaimed to his chat as he types at his computer setting a new background.

You continued to listen to him praise his chat for supporting him and making him be able to make those types of streams. You were always proud of Alex no matter what he did, you were always his number one supporter no matter what happened in reality or on the internet.

"So anyways! I wanted to talk to you guys! How are you all?" He smiled at his camera looking back and forth from his chat.

◇T0mm71nn1t: THE STREAM WAS SO GOOD QUACKITY

"Oh thank you! Im glad I could share this with you. It takes so much to put into these movite type streams, so I know now it is all worth it."

Quackity's pov. . .

He felt so overwhelmed, he shouldn't have began to stream again. The stress of putting everything together, plus being late to the stream made him rush into it more. He just wanted to lay back down with his lover who was enjoying watching him stream, and that's the goal he wants. His goal was to entertain, it was his job and he doesn't want to fail, he doesn't want to crack.

◇Mayatooni3: WE LOVE YOU QUACKITY

◇catiiequak: QUACKITY ITS MY BIRTHDAY CAN I GET A HAPPY BIRTHDAY??

◇yriaaolic: 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

"Happy Birthday!" He said seeing the comment pass in a second. "Happy Birthday to anyone who's Birthday it is today."

Right now it was hard. It was hard to keep up when there was always a constant demand, the constant need to be perfect, his past being brought up, and trying to one-up his content everytime. He loved this, but at the same time it had the same weight as a job.

In the back of his mind he knew the "When is Quackity streaming???" is mostly lighthearted, he never wants to leave.

"Quack are you okay? Im fine! Just thinking about how to get something to eat at 2am." He laughed lying to his fans, he wanted to stop this stream.

He kept looking over to his lover lying their head on his pillow scrolling through their phone and alternating their vision from him and their phone. He always caught a glimpse of their small smile everytime he looked. He was doing something right.

"Do yall think Taco Bell is open? The only problem I have is that Im fucking starving."

He paused for a moment taking a deep breath trying to keep his emotions down. The stress was getting to him, and he fucking knew it, but he didnt stop. He was going to get burnt out eventually and stop streaming and YouTube all together, but he needed this. He needed a break, he needed to take time for himself and stop putting on a happy face when he isnt.

TTS ◇pulixsaxe: "Did you see what was happening on Twitter quackity?"

"Wait what's happening on Twitter?" He asked with a weary laugh.

I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are

Pringle cans, and burritos

The truth is, my biggest problem's you,

Your eyes widened as he mentioned Twitter. Truth be told he was trending because of his stream, yes, but also they brung up stuff from his past again in the wake of another content creator's past or present being brought up. You hadn't paid attention to that, you were only getting fueled up from Twitter bringing up an issue that he already had addressed.

Tempted to speak and tell him its fine, he already spoke up before you.

"I bet it's fine! I dont wanna... I don't need to look." He said with a smile. He always had that smile on.

Either it was a full smile or a half smile. It never left his face and it comforted you somehow. Maybe it was that you were his significant other, but you always wondered if anyone saw the same things as you. The things like his smile that never left his face.

"Yeah! I dont need to look at that." He waved his hand dismissing the comment away. He then sighed letting his shoulders relax as you saw his smile fade and his eyes close for a second and immediately put that small smile back on his face while his eyes were glossy, but bright.

He needed to end this stream soon. You saw his face fall then in a split second come back to life except his eyes were glossy with tears. You wondered if anyone else noticed.

"I want to please you

But I want to stay true to myself

I want to give you the night out that you deserve"

His eyes tearful as he tried to blink them away trying to not make a scene.

"Sorry! Allergies ugh!" He said as he wiped his tears away claiming them as allergies.

"Are you crying? No! Im not a pussy!" He yelled at his chat in a joking manner.

He was crying and he felt weak. He felt emotionally weak, and weak as in not strong, he didn't feel strong and his lover who was sitting on his bed with a concerned look on their face always told him that it's okay to feel weak. The only meaningful thing is how you pick yourself up, they always told him, bur now he felt at rock bottom.

He wanted to give his fans "himself", the goofy, lovable, loud, quick-witted, Quackity. But then again his lover always told him to separate Quackity from Alex. He wanted to give himself to his audience, he wanted to be authentic and share himself, but he cant. Alex isn't all laughs, he is serious, calmer, and when he gets on the screen is when he lets it all out then goes back to his more calmer self. That's not what they want.

"But I want to say what I think

And not care what you think about it"

Giving himself meant dialing back, he wants to tell how hes actually feeling, he wants to say what he thinks about Twitter, what he thinks about certain friends, about his fanbase, and then leave it alone. He wanted to delete social media and then speak his mind without knowing what anyone is saying about it. It was paradise to him, but of course it cant be that way and that's what he hates. He feels like a actor when he really wants to be himself.

"A part of me loves you,"

Alex loved his fanbase, he had such a supportive fanbase that loved his content. Some of them did atleast he didn't fully know, but they gave him the courage to do this time and time again knowing that his content is at least taking them from the harsh reality of real life for a few minutes or hours. This was the reason he did this, for them.

Alex would never admit this but they boosted his ego too, it would for anyone. The fact that there were people who wanted and enjoyed content from him made him feel good about himself.

"part of me hates you"

He hated the contant criticisms, he hates that they feed his ego so much that it makes him want to stream more to feel good about himself and to make people get away for awhile. Alex knew inside of his heart he couldn't truly hate his fanbase, they gave him everything he ever wanted. He hates them for that and that's such a scary thing. He never fails to wonder if he did the things to deserve all the love and hate he gets.

"Part of me needs you,"

They feed his ego, they make him want to go above and beyond. Alex knows that his fanbase is the reason he is here in this chair infront of three expensive monitors. He knows that this is some sort of a job that he needed. He needed the push to keep going and that was them, it was the 200k people watching his stream watching him answer questions about him and

"part of me fears you"

He was fearful of loosing himself to them. Loosing his authenticity to them was something he feared. He didnt want his funny, loud persona to consume him and make him forget about Alex instead of Quackity. He fears what they think as well, he claims he doesnt care, but he does he wants to please them. It feels like two parts of his brain fighting about if he should care or not.

"And I don't think that I can handle this right now"

The text-to-speech bot continued to speak out people's comments that theu paid for while he sat there quietly. He bit his bottom lip trying to not break down infront of everyone he needed to be strong. He needed to be strong.

If he looked up at the camera everyone would see his tears, they would see him breaking.

He played it off as he brough his shirt up to wipe the tears away, claiming it as sweat.

"Im good! Im sorry I spaced out for a second." He shook his head.

He saw you look at him with that same concerned look on your face. As he switched his gaze between you and his computer, he felt his tears come back again.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"Alex." You tried to get his attention.

"Yeah guys Im fine!"

"Alex"

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"I have plans later for another lore stream, so Ill start doing that later tonight."

"ALEX!" You yelled and his head turned around to face you.

"What?" He laughed, biting his lip again.

You couldn't stop him doing this, you could try to course him into going to bed, but right now you couldn't find the words. You just stared at him while he looked at you with a somber smile trying to tell you that he was okay.

He felt his mind telling himself that he need to rest. He wouldnt allow himself to and thats why he was breaking down.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

Alex was blinking rapidly trying to keep his breathing and tears at bay while he answered his fans.

"My allergies are fine! And I drank water today."

◇moonchild21: WE LOVE YOU

◇sopusand: Why do you look like that?

◇wuackityoo: are you crying??

"Crying is for the weak! I am a strong manly man! Im crying cause I noticed how alpha I am!" He tried to play it off as a "Im a man" joke but you could see right through it.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

You had sent a quick text to Alex which told him to end the stream for his own mental health, but he left the message unread. He began sniffing and the wiping his eyes again. It was a wreck and you couldn't seem to stop it without literally dragging him out of his chair.

Meanwhile the screens were getting to Alex. Alex's eyes were getting tired of the bright screens and the rapid messages that popped up on the screen overwhelmed him for what it seemed like the first time ever in his strraming career. He wanted to give them the fun night they deserved and wanted, but he knows it's getting hard to. He dosent know how long he can keep this up.

As Alex kept joking around about his eyes and physical state the chat was filled with "LMAO" and "HAHAHA" which fuled him more and then at the same time makes him want to stop.

Look at them, they're just staring at me, like

"Come and watch the skinny kid with a

Steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts

To give you what he cannot give himself"

He cannot give himself the luxury of happiness. As he went on with his career it became more and more like a chore, there was mostly down days and of course there were up days, but recently Alex gave his fans the happiness and laughes they wanted while when he turned off the camera he couldn't replicate that same energy as he had before.

It messed him up, he felt himself become separated from his streaming. He wasn't being himself anymore he was being Quackity and that became more apparent as the days passed. He wanted to be himself on camera and at first thats what he thought he was doing. He was himself then it turned into a persona.

Alex wasn't okay and he he needed to take a break from the internet for a while, but he tries to act like he dosent have a dilemma going on inside of his head everytime he sits in this seat. Its for the fans.

"Think that I can handle this right-

I don't think that I can handle this right-

They don't even know the half of this right-

They don't even know the half of it"

"Alex you need to end the stream. Please?"

He looked towards you again where you moved your position from the middle of the bed to sitting up on the end of the bed.

"Ive told you millions of times." He paused for a moment looking down at his lap before looking back up to you. "Im-Im okay." He nodded trying to convince you.

"But I know I'm not a doctor, I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show

I should probably just shut up and do my job, so here I go"

"Cant you belive them!" He laughed to his camera. You scoffed at his comment but still kept an eye on him as he talked.

You didnt need to baby him at all, but right now you were worried about your lover.

Alex continued talking and talking, which you drowned out. You were focused on his face and how he faltered time to time just showing a small frown.

He laughed and showed them a good time even though he was hurting. He kept going and going and you were convinced he was going to hold out until you heard him sniff multiple times while trying to make a joke about the new Minecraft update and how the glow squid has no use.

"Stupid ass squid! Why- why? Its no use expect for glowing ink. Who voted for that!?"

You can tell them anything if you just make it funny, make it rhyme

And if they still don't understand you, then you run it one more time

"Dumbass squid!" He pulled up a picture if the squid as he yelled at it.

You began to worry even more as you saw tears running down his face. He quickly tried to wipe them away, but he knew everyone saw.

Handle this right

You don't even know the half of this right now

Right now (Haa!)

Now

Handle this right

I'll handle this right, I handle this right now

Alex leaned back in his seat and had a blank stare towards the monitor. Looked down for a second and then you heard sobbing coming from his spot. Alex had his head in his hands and was crying harshly into them.

He had finally broken, he couldn't stop the tears from coming and the loud sobs that came from his mouth. He was trying to desperately breathe in to be able to sob, but ended up hiccuping while doing so.

Your eyes widened as you rushed to him resting your hand on his knees and you kneeling infront of him.

"I cant do fu-fucking anything!" He yelled into his hands.

"Hey! I know. Its okay." You tried to console him.

"Its not I try so hard! And I-"

You cut him off. "You are a hard worker Alex and you deserve a week or two off. Take care of you self babe." You stood up bringing his hand with you and trying to make him stand up. He followed your movements and stood up with you putting his head on your shoulder crying into it.

"I just ca-cant right now!"

"You dont have to do anything right now babe."

"Im sorry!" Alex sobbed.

"Dont be." You said bluntly trying to get your lover to calm down.

You rubbed his back soothingly as he sniffled into your shoulder. "Im sorry for ruining your shirt." He tried to laugh through his tears.

"Dont be sorry! Please. You just need rest okay?" You kissed his forehead and he nodded in response.

Alex raised his head up an started to pepper kisses all over your face as you laughed. He gave you one last peck on the lips as he walked away to quickly change into night clothes. You smiled as he laid underneath the covers and continued to softly cry into his sheets. At least he was in bed and not makijg himself even worse.

He couldn't stop the tears from flowing, it was like a flood that could only be stopped with time. He felt like a boulder was lifted off his shoulders only to be replaced with smaller rocks. The smaller rocks was the guilt he held. He felt guilty of making his lover worry about him, he didnt want you to worry.

You rushed over to his desk and turned off the stream and his computers not even bothering to give them a goodnight or goodbye. After the computer lights were turned off it was quite dark in the room except for small light.

Finally you were where you wanted to be all day, in bed with Alex. But this wasnt the predicament you wanted.

"Forgive me. I just cant do shit right can I?" His eyes were still full of tears and he was getting tired.

"Alex dont listen to anyone but yourself." You tried to console him.

"That's what I'm telling myself."

Silence filled the room as you looked at him through tearful eyes of your own.

"Alex, you're so amazing and I cant even tell you how much I appreciate you, and how much you change my life. You do so much shit right its scary sometimes. Some days I think you're perfect, but there's-"

"There's no such thing as perfect." Alex finished your sentence.

"Exactly! Even the best people have their downfalls, they just dont show it. And Alex I know you struggle with that! All I can say is that I love you for you." You finished.

"Can I talk to you about my dilemmas?" He tried to laugh again.

"Tomorrow we can talk. We both need the rest." You said to him as he closed his eyes and nodded in response. He gave you a kiss on you lips before laying back down to sleep.

"Thank you."

"Thank you

Good night

I hope you're happy"

TRENDING

ARE YOU OKAY

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miastideclock · 4 years ago

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Day6 At Their Weddings

parksungjinsfan

Hey 👋 I have request about day6 on your wedding day, like their reaction to seeing the reader in wedding dress, how will theu be yhe whole wedding, what music will they choose for a first dance, honeymoon details and such... Thank you🙏

Word Count: 👁 👄 👁 I don’t even wanna try and find out lmaooo Warnings: -The length of these are quite different, and I am so sorry about that -I tried my best to avoid the mention of the reader’s parents or family, but if I have incorporated any family or extended family without noticing, I am really sorry and do ask you to let me know so I can correct my mistake. Thank you.

my years of watching ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ finally pays off

this is gonna be a rIDE, i dont know if this is the format you wanted it in, but this is what you’re getting lmao my bad.

Sungjin

some of the songs i listened to while writing -Circles by Golden -No One Like You by Dualties -Spaces by One Direction

OKAY, so

Wedding Dress:

For the wedding dress I pictured something elegant, yet relaxed. It’s very simple, but the lace detailing adds that little something I feel like. The sweetheart neckline is flattering no matter what your body type is, as is the bodice.

You can pair almost anything to this dress, so jewelry could be a pop of color, or you could keep it more lowkey with some dainty pieces.

Sungjin would appreciate the simplicity of the dress, that way it let’s your own beauty be the center of attention.

Location:

I feel like a garden-wedding is bulls-eye for someone like Sungjin. It’s sophisticated, but with a childish-charm. The trees and fairy lights are a perfect combination. I don’t really have a lot other than that to say about the location in particular.

Music:

Your first dance would be so cute. I chose Your Song by Elton John, just because I feel like it adds to the sophistication of it all. It’s a classic song, that way it will be easier for your guest to enjoy the moment you two share, with you.

I can imagine Sungjin practicing months prior, so that the dance would be perfect when the day finally is here. awh my heart

Honeymoon:

Hawaii, USA. Again, it’s classy, it’s sophisticated, it’s very on brand. You can relax all day, eat pineapple and other fresh fruits, go on excursions and explore. Hawaii is a place of many opportunities, so I can guarantee you and your newly-wed won’t go bored.

The Wedding Day:

Sungjin paced around the room, thinking about every single thing that could go wrong. He was nervous beyond belief, but he would never let anyone know that.

He had to admit that in the beginning of the planning process, he always laughed at the men who were nervous, cause what was there to be nervous about? You were marrying a woman you love, there is no simpler task.

But now he got it. Every feeling you could think of washed over him at the same time, but none of them stopped him from wanting to go through with it.

In the chaos that washed through his head, there was one thought that stood out before the others. “I love her.” A knock could be heard on his dressing-room door, his best-mean peeking his head through.

“They’re ready for you.” Dowoon spoke softly, not wanting to startle the groom. Sungjin nodded before looking at himself in the mirror. He had to look perfect for you. Dowoon made his way over and stood in front of him, so Sungjin no longer could see himself in the body-length mirror.

“Nervous?” He asked as he fixed the collar of the groom.

“Yes.” Sungjin finally admitted.

“Getting cold feet?” Dowoon asked yet again, the slightest hint of panic in his voice.

“Never in a million years.” Sungjin replied.

Dowoon let out a breath of relief and took a step back to see if there was anything else on the suit that needed to be fixed or moved or tucked. But as he found nothing, he nodded his head, meaning Sungjin should head out the door and into the garden.

Walking down the aisle with his mum was something Sungjin never completely realized would be happening until she was standing there waiting for him. She was dressed in a peach-colored dress. She was after all one of your bridesmaids, so she wore the appropriate dress.

He kissed her cheek before looping his arm with hers, then making their way down towards the pastor. The walk felt long, longer than it needed, because that just meant more time for his head to get even more chaotic and messy. But contrary to what Sungjin was sure would never happen- they made it to the end.

He stood on his side, his hands folded into each other as he waited.

The music changed ever so slightly, meaning the bride was on her way. Sungjin turned so he was looking directly at the door where you would come through, waiting excitedly.

A few seconds passed, and the double doors opened, revealing you. Every messy thought, or chaotic state his brain had ever had vanished. Sungjin could finally think clearly, all because of you.

You held your bouquet tight in your hands as you walked down the aisle. Your heartbeat picked up as you closed your husband to be.

You finally made it to the end, and to be honest? You don’t remember 80 percent of the ceremony. The only part you truly and clearly remember were the two most important words you and Sungjin would ever share.

“I do.”

jesus christ

Jae

some songs i listened to while writing -California by Bernhoft -Twit by Hwasa -Somebody To Love by Abhi The Nomad

AIT

Wedding Dress:

Jae is.. well- he is Jae. And even with a gun to my head, I could not know why I feel like this is the perfect dress for his wedding- I just do. A sheath dress with lace detailing is elegant and sleek, yet light and airy.

With the clean neckline, a dainty necklace would be enough, a small pair of earrings to go with it.

Jae would love the dress on you, but you could also wear a trash-bag if you so pleasebecauseue he is convinced you could pull off anything.

Location:

The fun and the beauty of a beach wedding would go perfectly with Jae’s personality. The ocean air is a lovely detail for a wedding, it brushing against your cheek as you look at the love of your life, the last time he would be your fiancé, in a few moments- he would be your husband.

Music:

For your first dance I’ve chosen You by Petit Biscuit. It’s a soothing song, with a vibe that could calm down the angriest of men.

The song takes you back to the memories of when you first met Jae, as he was the one who introduced you to the song. The lack of lyrics mean nothing to you, as you have made your own meaning of it.

Honeymoon:

As a man of many countries, Jae has been all over the world- so when you planned your honeymoon, he told you not to worry about if he has been there before or not. With that in mind, you booked your trip to Paris, France.

Going for walks along the Seine, admiring the Eiffel Tower at sunset, or experiencing the magnificent art at the Louvre- all things you and Jae are planning on doing.

The Wedding Day:

Standing a few hundred feet away from where the ceremony would be held stood one singular groom. His eyes were closed as he was standing with his hands in his pockets, feeling the gentle ocean breeze brush against him, like a thousand warm kisses peppered all over him.

This was the most calm he had been in months, and he felt like he could finally relax his tense stance. Whatever happened from now on, it happened- and there was nothing he could do about it. He thought that would only make him more stressed, but there was just something about it that calmed him.

“You lost?” Sungjin suddenly spoke from Jae’s right hand side. Sungjin happened to be Jae’s best-man, so it was, among other things, his duty to make sure the groom was okay

“No, I’m pretty sure this is exactly where I’m meant to be. Sounds cheesy though.” Jae replied with a chuckle, causing Sungjin to let out a snicker of his own.

“You ready to do this?” Sungjin asked again after a few minutes, this finally opening Jae’s eyes. Jae nodded and they started walking back.

The sun would be setting in an hour or so, so the heat was just perfect on the stunning summer evening. You and Jae had been planning this wedding for what seemed like an eternity, and you were both over the moon that the day was finally here.

You were in a beach hut just by the place of the ceremony, looking at yourself in the mirror, inspecting your makeup.

“You look stunning, dear.” Jae’s mother said from behind you, she also looking at your makeup.

“Absolutely breathtaking.” A bridesmaid chimed in. You gave them both a smile and then got to your feet, shaking out your hands in a nervous manner.

“You ready?” Your maid of honor asked you as she came into the hut from outside where the wedding would be. You looked at her for a second before nodding slowly. “Good, cause Jae just walked down the aisle, you’re up baby!”

You gave her a look, but couldn’t keep a smile from joining the scolding eyes. “A little late with the heads up maybe?” You chuckled as you grabbed the bouquet from the table, making her laugh.

The doors opened and you made your way over to the aisle, taking a deep breath as the ceremony properly started.

You found yourself walking faster than you had during the rehearsal, but you didn’t care. You wanted to reach Jae as fast as you could, because the faster you got there, the faster you could start the rest of your lives together.

holyyy

Young K

some songs i listened to while writing -17 by Pink Sweat$ -All Night Long by Machine Gun Kelly -Needs by Verzache

okay so

Wedding Dress:

For our main man Brian, I chose something bohemian-chic. It’s fun, it’s light, it’s stunning. The rustic vibe of the dress is something i think would fit perfectly with the theme of the wedding.

The whimsical essence of the dress makes it kind of hard to pair with jewelry. I can imagine some small raw diamond earrings, and maybe a single thread necklace with a light pendant. Anything too heavy will easily drown out the dress and make it seem almost messy. Not very cute.

Location:

Tall trees. The warmth of the wood mixed with the soft touch of lights and georgette fabrics laced in between the branches. The forest is the perfect place for such a wedding.

The birds chirping, and the trees talking- what could be more romantic?

Music:

Dancing on a patio in the forest, moving to the smooth rhythms of Your Hand In Mine by Explosions In The Sky. This song is awfully slow at first, but as it picks up after a few seconds, you can’t imagine anything other than twirling around in Brian’s arms, as if you were the only people in an empty forest, ready to be with one another until the end of time.

Honeymoon:

Perfectly matching the rustic theme of the wedding, your destination sends you to Rome, Italy. Whether it’s making a wish in the Trevi fountain or renting a vespa to go to the closest Gelato shop- Rome won’t let you down.

With a stunning view no matter where you look, it’s a perfect place for a honeymoon and to take hundreds of pictures of the trip you’ll remember forever.

The Wedding Day:

Taking a deep breath, Brian stepped out of the car that took him to where the wedding would be held. Jae, his best man, stepped out with him, hyping him up- but Brian’s mind was too occupied to hear a word of what he was saying.

“- and I just know that if you want to back out, I know she would understand.” Was all Brian needed to snap out of it.

“Back out? What are you talking about?” He questioned as he stopped in his tracks.

“You’ve been spaced out all day, and the face of pure panic isn’t exactly helping your case.” Jae pointed out. Brian caught himself frowning during multiple points during the day, so he could kind of make out where Jae was coming from, and he felt happy that Jae would let him back out of he wanted- but that was not the case.

“Have you lost your mind? I love her more than I can even begin to explain. Even with a gun to my head, I would never dream of backing out of our wedding.” Brian spoke in a cool and calm voice, making sure that Jae understood the value of his words.

Jae gave him a nod. “I hear you, loud and clear.”

From there, they made their way down the patio-ed trail into the woods where their wedding would be held, lights decorating the trees surrounding them. It was straight out of a fairytale.

Brian had to admit that he was scared about the wedding, but not because he didn’t love you- cause he did. More than anything. It was because he was scared he wouldn’t be enough for you.

You on the other hand was sat in a car on your way to the location, stressing out your brains.

“What if I trip? Or what if I say the wrong name? I know that only happens to assholes in 90′s sitcoms, but-” Your rambling was cut off as your maid of honor called your name from next to you.

“Babe, you need to calm down! You’re not gonna trip, and you’re not gonna pull a Ross, okay? You’re gonna get there and wow everyone with your dress and your hair and your everything- and then you’re gonna marry the love of your life and start your forever okay?” She snapped you out of it.

You took a deep breath and nodded. You had gotten this far without any complications- so you only had one small step left, and that was to start your forever.

“Okay, let’s do this.”

OKAY

Wonpil

some songs I listened to while writing -Wish You Were Sober by Conan Gray -My Strange Addiction by Billie Eilish -Can I Call You Back? by SHY Martin

Wedding Dress:

It’s big, it’s sexy but with elegance and class, it’s flattering to anyone- it’s perfect. A Princess-style wedding dress is such a gorgeous choice, no one would be surprised if Wonpil absolutely lost his breath looking at you.

A dress like this is so beautifully simple, you can’t go wrong with some jewelry. Personally, I would avoid a chunky necklace, and rather opt for some longer, dangling earrings, letting your bare neck and collarbones make a statement of its own.

Location:

Matching the personality of the dress, a Ballroom Wedding is elegant, it’s classy, and it’s so much easier to clean up than any of the other locations we’ve seen today.

A ballroom might seem boring to some, but it’s surprising what you and your husband-to-be can do with a bursting budget and a wild imagination.

Music:

For your first dance, I Will Follow You by Toulouse will be playing. An emotional song, perfectly conveying your emotions for one another, to your guests.

“Ever since you touched my hand, I knew.” The song sings. And it’s true. Both you and your husband can confirm that the first time you ever brushed your hand against his, there was a spark. Actually, more than that- it was fireworks.

Honeymoon:

With jungles, temples and waterfalls, Bali, Indonesia is the perfect destination to explore, have fun and also relax with the love of your life.

Renting a private tour guide one day, and just hiking to waterfalls and jumping into the water another day. Watching the sunset while being in each others arms, not being able to imagine a more perfect moment than that.

The Wedding Day:

“What do I do? The wedding starts in like forty minutes, and I have zero clues as what to say for my vows. I mean, of course I vow to love her until I take my last breath- but I want it to be special.” Wonpil stressed out loud. Maybe it was to his best man, maybe it was to the wall behind him- none of them could answer.

“Okay, your hair is as perfect as it can get.” Brian spoke as he tweaked the pieces that fell over Wonpil’s forehead. Wonpil shot him an unamused look making Brian chuckle. “I’m just messing with you. You look great.”

Wonpil turned around to the full-body mirror and inspected that there were no pieces of dust on his suit, or scratches on his shoes. He sighed and nodded, agreeing with Brian’s statement, cause truth be told- he did look great.

“I can’t stop thinking about what she is gonna look like. And not only in the wedding dress. How she is gonna look sleeping on the plane to Bali, or how she is gonna look laughing at dinner- or how she is gonna look when we give our toasts. I can’t wait to look at her and be with her forever.” He sighed, grabbing the edges of his jacket and straightening it out even more, something Brian was pretty sure was impossible.

“Why don’t you just say that?” The best man commented. Wonpil looked at him for a second as if he was hesitant, but soon came to realize it was actually a pretty good idea.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s simple but special, and it’s right from the heart.” He smiled, thanking Brian.

In the dressing-room across the hall, a particular bride was pacing back and forth, her bare feet making small noises as the underside of her foot made contact with the hardwood floor.

“I know I’m breathing, but it feels like I can’t breathe.” You muttered out, one of your bridesmaids jumping to her feet to get you something to drink. She picked up her light pink bridesmaid-dress and ran for the kitchenette and roamed the fridge until she found a bottle of water. After tossing it to you, and you taking a sip- you thanked her.

“Okay, I found it!” Your maid of honor suddenly burst through the door, making everyone in there turn to her and let out a sigh of relief.

The it in question had been your bouquet, it being a collection of both your own and your husband-to-be’s favorite flowers. That was the reason it was so special- you had made it together.

“Oh thank god!” You exhaled and walked to meet her at the door. You gently grabbed the bouquet out of her hand and looked at it in adoration.

“Does that mean you’re ready to get married?” She asked in a hushed tone. You looked at her, then the flowers, then back up at her before you let out an excited sigh and nodded.

“Let’s do this.”

Dowoon

some songs i listened to while writing -Heels by NoMBe -1901 - triple j Like A Version by Petit Biscuit -Drift Away by Sons Of Zion

Wedding Dress:

A-Line Wedding Dress, a sleek yet flowy choice for a rustic wedding such as your own. The soft silhouette and backless detail is a glorious mixture of sweet and sexy, coming together to make a stunning dress that is the perfect match for most anyone.

The detailing in the lace is more than enough accent, but if you insist, avoid long, dragging necklaces and earrings. With the tone of the dress, dainty, rose-gold jewelry would be the best match.

Location:

A big, glorious venue for anyone with the wish of a fairytale wedding. A Castle is perfect for feeling like a Disney-princess on your big day. The candles and lights mixed with the aesthetic of exposed brick is enough to make the perfect wedding pictures- but why stop there?

Most castles has a garden of sorts, often lined with large trees and fresh grass, making any wedding photo look like its dragged straight out of a movie.

Music:

Your first dance will be one people would have to wait long to forget. Moving to the tunes of Happiest Year by Jaymes Young, holding your now husband close- an unforgettable feeling. You chose this song both because the melody is stunning, but also because the lyrics truly do speak to you. After being engaged for a year, both of you could confirm that it had in fact been the happiest year of your lives.

Honeymoon:

The Maldives. You might think it’s kind of cliché to go there for your honeymoon because it’s overused - right? Well, I can promise you, it’s for a reason.

Whale shark tours, local markets, beach days, snorkeling safaris- the fun is close to endless. Whether you go there for the activities, or it’s for the views- there is no way you’ll be let down.

The Wedding Day:

Standing in one of the towers of the castle, stood a single groom, looking out one of the massive windows. The reception was getting closer and closer, and the chairs down on the lawn was getting filled up with more and more of your friends and family by the second.

“DOWOON!” The familiar voice of Wonpil called. The sudden noise didn’t even make Dowoon flinch as he had been expecting it ever since he got to his little hiding spot. The groom looked to the side to see Wonpil marching at him at a terrifying speed. “Why the hell are you not in your dressing-room? The wedding is about to start any minute now!”

Dowoon had to snicker at Wonpil’s panicked state. You’d think he was the one getting married, truth be told. “Don’t worry, I was on my way there now.” Dowoon spoke calmly.

One would think that on his wedding day, Dowoon would be a bit more freaked out- but he wasn’t. He had never been more calm, cool and collected in his entire life, and to him that meant something. It meant that even on essentially the most stressful day of his life, he was grounded, all because of you.

You too had the same train of thought. Walking around in the flower garden on the other side of the castle, you hummed gently to yourself. You were on your way back to the dressing-rooms as the massive watch on the side of the left tower told you the wedding was soon to begin. Without a care in the world, your bare feet made their way through the soft grass, making you smile as it tickled your feet.

As you got closer to the back entrance of the castle, then one you had exited through, the better you could see the figure leaning against the door. It was your maid of honor. She stood in a stunning dress, her arms lazily crossed over her chest, giving you a smile as she waited for you. “You enjoying yourself?” She asked as you got closer.

“Yeah.” You breathed and stopped a few meters in front of her so you were still in the grass.

“Nervous?” She asked again. You needed a moment to think about this one. Cause on one hand, of course you were nervous- but on the other, just the thought Dowoon made your shoulders relax and your jaw unclench, as you always found yourself in a relaxed state around him.

“Maybe. I’m not sure yet.” You smiled as you spoke in the same way you had earlier. Your maid of honor chuckled at your words, then reaching out her hand for you to grab, leading you back to your dressing room to get your shoes back on, then getting you ready to walk down the aisle.

i really hope you liked it!! I’m so sorry it took so long- I wanted to do it just right! Feel free to request again!

-bentley

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the-adhd-society · 4 years ago

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Hey, I need some advice if you’ve got the time.

My parents are heavily against adhd meds (they want me to do like meditation and stuff) but nothings working. I’m a complete mess at school. I’m riddled with lack of focus and memory problems. My parents are “willing to talk to someone” but I really think that meds might be more helpful or at least worth a shot.

On top of that, I might being getting a job soon. It’s at a video game store I love and I’m really into games, so that’s exciting. Seeing as we know the owners pretty well, it’s highly likely that I’ll get the job. I want this, really badly, but I’m scared that adhd is going to come hit me like a truck.

I turned fourteen two weeks ago.

Many advice on holding retail jobs with adhd and asking for meds?

(I’m also autistic if that changes anything)

Thanks!

Apparently my draft didn't save. That's annoying. Good thing is wrote out my response..

So my answers really depend on why your parents are against the medication. From my experience parents usually are against meds for two ish main reasons..

1) they are uneducated and or are afraid of the stigma: they are afraid of the side effects or the idea that you will be dependent on it for life. Yadda yadda.

In this case i suggest looking up articles on adhd medication and the benefits and common misconceptions that parents have. At 14 you are past the age for major risks ( that i know of...i'm not a doctor) there are TONS of adhd parent groups and resources that you can direct them to so they can see how others have navigated this before.

I would say something along the lines of " hey parental units (mom dad whom ever). I know that we talked about medication before and I heard your concerns so I did some of my own research can I share with you what I found or send you the links ?

The other "camp" or mentality that parents often have is. "It's not really a problem" (denial).

They might say that you are exaggerating, just not trying hard enough, looking for excuses and just aren't trying.

With this one, it's really difficult but it might help to work with them. Or let them think you are working with them. Talk about where you are struggling, talk about the plans that you make to keep organized and where you need help. Talk to them about the best way that they can support you. Showing them that you are "trying" might help them to see that you need more help. Also showing them how much effort and thought you are putting In might help as well.

This could sound like " hey parental, I am trying to meditate like you mentioned. But I can't seems to keep my mind in one place while practicing what do i do ? "

Or " hey I am really struggling with getting all of my assignments done on time. This is what i tried in the past and this is what i am doing now, can you help me find a better way to be successful ? "

You can also just be really upfront and say " i am really struggling with ay and z, i have tried abc but it has not helped. I'm getting really stressed and worried that my grades are going to drop. It is upsetting because i will spend five hours trying to get one assignment done but i seem to get off track. I want to be successful and i know i am capable but i just can't get it all done"

Now i want to say straight up in some cultures and in some households, this type of conversation might be a lot. You might want to look for ppl with adhd from a similar background to see what they did. ( I'm very white and have had many conversations with people about how in their families this is taboo.) .

anyways. I also wanted to let you know that this entire situation is ableism. Just an fyi the fact that you can't get the medical treatment that you need.

I think it is important to talk about medication as a tool to be successful. It's not a cure all and it does have it's draw backs ( price, side effects etc). So don't get your hopes up if you try one drug and it doesn't work well on the first try

The person they are going to talk to do you know how they feel about medication ? Perhaps try and have a conversation with that person beforehand you can say something like. " i know my parents are looking to talk to you about medication, it's something that is really important to me, do you have 5-10 mims where we can talk about it so i can give you my perspective ?"

Obviously you probably might need to ask your parents for permission but just a suggestion. ( if it is someone from school i say go ahead and do it but idk who they are going to talk to).

Moving on to memory things:

I think you need to look at specifically what is the issue that you are having. Are you spending too much time on one assignment so you can't get others done ? Do you forget what is due when ? Do you not leave enough time to do the work so you are stuck cramming ?

Different issues call for different plans. I'd also talk to your case manager or disability person at your school. If you are in the u.s. you should have an IEP or a 504.

With online learning(and in general) you can ask for accommodations such as reducing the work load ( instead of answering 10 questions and writing 4 paragraphs, you do five questions amd two paragraphs)

You can ask for extended time for homework or to not get points off if it is late. There are many different things you can do. The point with homework and assignments is to show comprehension and mastery. If you are able to do that then the other requirements aren't as important. But that is something you amd your parents need to advocate for. And if theu are against bring up that it is just during thr pandemic.

This is what i did organization wise when i was on college.

I went through each of my classes and wrote down in my planner the home work for the entire semester (you might only be able to do it a week at a time) of when they were due ( in pencil).

I wrote down all of then due dates and reminders the week before they were due for larger projects. Then i had a very large desk calendar that i wrote all of my papers and tests on.

Before i would leave class i would write down in pen the homework for next time. (Again second time)

When i would go home i would wrote those assignments on a post it note so i knew what needed to be done for the day(third time). At NO POINT did i ever rely on my memory. I set up clear expectations of what i was going to work one for that day.

find what works for you. Maybe you need a small white board to write down your assignments for the day or week. Maybe you need to write it on a post it note before the end of class. You might need a mix of google calender and post it notes Figure out what works best for and then create a structure around it.

I also used a time app called productivity timer that can help with time blindness and i used another app to lock me out of apps.

In terms of retail. I have no idea friend. Lol.

Let me know if this helps and i would love if any younger people have suggestions.. Or parents. Or literally anyone.

#long post #ask #anon #medication

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youcancallmekathyp · 5 years ago

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Could you do amutual pining RJ drabble? Where theu both so oblivious that either Nini or Big Red had to step in ans point it out.

Nini to the rescue! :P

„EJ? Are you even listening to me?“

Nini’s voice pulled him from his thoughts, and EJ almost jumped, hoping that she hadn’t been talking about something important, because he hadn’t been listening at all.

“Uh…yeah?”

Raising an eyebrow at him, Nini shook her head. “You’re impossible, you know that?” She countered, leaning against the table. It wasn’t like EJ had meant to ignore her; he’d just been…otherwise occupied.

Ricky was seated on the other side of the room, discussing some new dance moves Gina had come up with. They seemed to be getting along so well, and EJ most definitely wasn’t jealous. There was nothing to be jealous about. It wasn’t as if liking Ricky gave him any sort of right to the other boy’s time or attention.

But still.

“Okay, you two need to talk this out.” Nini was waving her hand in front of his face, shaking her head again.

“What?”

“I said: You two need to talk this out. Or sing about it. Maybe even have a dance battle, I don’t care. But you’ve been taking turns staring at each other for the past fifteen minutes, and it’s getting frustrating, even for me.”

If EJ would have been prone to blushing, he would have probably felt his cheeks heating up right now, but he definitely wasn’t. And he wasn’t going to blush simply because Ricky had probably been staring at him.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Nini rolled her eyes, and for a moment she looked like she wanted to hit him over the head with her notepad.

“I see the way you look at him, EJ. That’s how you looked at me when we first met. And I see the way Ricky looks at you when he thinks you’re not looking, because that’s how he’s looked at me for years when we were dating,”

Her words made EJ’s heart stumble ever so slightly, but then he remembered, that she was probably just messing with him. Maybe this was her late comeback for him stealing her phone?

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop.” Nini interrupted him, her hand coming to rest on his arm. “Do you think I would have ever seen myself in the position to play matchmaker for my two ex-boyfriends?” She shook her head, though her lips were curved into a soft smile. “Now please go over there and do something, before I lose my mind.”

Taking her hand off his arm, Nini pushed him to where Ricky was now standing alone, with Gina having walked off to talk to Carlos, and before he could protest Nini’s actions, the other boy was looking at him expectantly.

“What’s up?”

“Uh. So.” Running a hand through his hair, and messing it up in the process, EJ tried to come up with something intelligent to say. “I’ve got a game on Saturday.”

“…yeah?”

Glancing back at Nini, EJ found her giving him a thumbs up.

“And…uh…I wondered if you maybe, want to come?” He was already preparing for embarrassment, when Ricky’s face lit up all of a sudden.

“Yeah, sure. I’d love to.” He smiled, and alright, maybe EJ was going to have to get Nini a gift basket of some sort.

#caswen #hsmtmts #ricky x ej #lauras stories #Anonymous

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the-gunslock · 5 years ago

Text

Hiver 6 - Light

This is the story about how my universe touched someone else’s.

The blue-armored Hunter rushed through the mechanic door to the apartment door with excitement due to the situation she has been called to assist with, making the Warlock sitting at the couch jump.

“HIVER!”

“WHAT THE--”

“I came as soon as the strike was over!”

The Warlock paused and furrowed her brows while doing some calculations in her head. “...That was two minutes ago.”

Selene turns to stare back at the door she just came through.

“She flies very fast.” Joan, her Ghost, said as he materialized, spinning his teal Stalwart Shell. “Against better judgement.”

“Hers or yours?” Trinity asked from her pillow near the TV.

“Yes.” Joan replied flatly as he turned to chat with her, leaving her Guardian alone with the Warlock. “Hey, nice shell. How many of the Nine did you bribe to get it?”

“Twelve.” The white Ghost replied, half-giggling.

Selene smiles as the Ghosts make small talk and cuts to the chase with her Warlock friend.

“Either way,” She says as she removes her boots and sits on the couch. “What’s the uh.... “gay emergency”… you called me about?”

The Warlock leans against the couch’s arm rest, head on her hand. “Well, so…”

After their sleepover is done, Amanda retakes her workspace (Now with clean clothes) and Hiver makes another trip to the European Dead Zone to meet with the gentleman sniper that holds human presence in it. She did promise he would be the first to know.

“Well, I’ll be. You really did charm the young lass, didn’t ya, lady? No way to go but up now.” He said with a smile, pouring them both a cup of tea once again. She leaned against the wall, fiddling with her bag strap in a mixture of happiness and embarrassment.

“Not like I expected, though.” She managed, starting to think of her next move.

“Why is that? Did she turn you down?” He asked as he handed the Guardian a saucer and teacup.

“Quite the contrary.” She said, staring at the dark green surface of the liquid. “She had fun, so she invited me to do it again.”

“Heh, you did good. Went with the good old ‘dinner and a movie’ tactic?”

“There was no tactic, I winged it. Simple City date.” She sighs, recollecting her memory of the day.

“Took her to my favorite library, she talked with a lot of passion about machinery. Learned a lot that day. I bought her a mechanics book she had her eye on for a while, earned me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.”

Hiver unconsciously opened a grin as she said the last part, then continued.

“Then she spotted a flower shop, and dragged me inside since she saw the plants in my house. I taught her about how to care for the ones I knew, and she got herself a nice little cactus. She asked me for a name. I called it Nora.”

“Interesting. Why Nora?” Devrim inquired as Hiver sipped her tea.

“It was her mother’s name. Like the cactus, she was resilient. Needed to be, to handle the road to the City.”

Devrim nodded politely, but kept silent.

“In the late afternoon, she accepted to stay for dinner. I made us a… fondue? Think that’s the name of the thing. Simple to do, but oh so good. The look in her eyes tasting it… she was shining. As always. She loved it and we ate while sharing tattoo ideas, favorite songs and other trivia about ourselves. Then I gave her a ride home and said goodbye with... a peck on her cheek. She seemed so happy, and asked to do it again this week, so... I’m making plans.”

“I’m glad you two are making progress. Finding love in a dead Earth is a blessing... not many of us can have.”

“So that’s what you want my help with?” Selene asked back on the present day, interested and eager like a puppy ever since Hiver told her about her crush.

“To plan this date, yes.” The Warlock says, arms crossed and a thoughtful expression on her face.

“Atta girl!” Her Hunter wingwoman said, moving closer to Hiver and hugging her shoulders from behind. “This is gonna be GREAT! When’s the date?”

“In two days.”

Selene nods, thinking. “Alright, alright. What does she like to do? Except… building and fixing stuff.”

“Huh… other than machines and vehicles, she’s shown an interest in cartography and astrography. She loves seeing landscapes from outside the City walls, too.” Hiver has to more visibly collect her thoughts. “I’m probably getting her into plants and cooking. And she apparently has been practicing a secret hobby of sketching.”

“Joan, you got that?” Selene asks her Ghost.

He turns around and spins excitedly. “Yup, totally did.”

Selene makes an okay sign with her fingers. “I know what to do. I’ll tell you some time before you do it, but now I gotta go, my bun-bun Cupcake needs my company.” She says, getting up from the couch. “Just act normal until the day comes, alright?”

“Okay… Bye, guys. And thank you.” Hiver says, half-grateful and half-concerned. How was she supposed to do anything with the date right around the corner?

“See ya Selene, Joan!” Trinity says in farewell. They leave the apartment and transmat into orbit.

“You should keep your mind busy.” Trinity says, turning to Hiver. “Want to get some weapon frames with Reyla and Junko then ignite some Forges?”

“It’s like you can read my mind, Trinity.” Hiver says, transmatting her armor onto herself.

“Technically, I can.” Trinity says, floating out of her pillow. “Let’s go.”

The next few days for the Gunslock were kind of a blur due to anticipation. She did her strike missions, resource-collecting, bounties and every other thing she was already used to doing on autopilot. Her clanmate, Selene, was scribbling ideas for her friend’s date in between missions.

The night before Hiver and Amanda were to go out again, Hiver was picking her outfit for the day, and Selene sent her the ideas for the day, times, coordinates and everything. The Warlock traded looks with her Ghost and both chortled.

“I can work with this.”

The following morning, she checked herself in her bedroom’s mirror for what seemed the thousandth time before she was sure everything was on its place. This time she went with a white top with lace decorations, thigh-length wine red skirt, matching ribbed thigh-highs and black combat boots.

“You got this…” She muttered to herself as she looked at herself in the mirror again, throwing her long moss green parka on.

“You got this, you got this...” She repeated, checking her silvery nail polish and buckling her ornate grey leather bag to her waist and thigh.

“Gonna need any guns?” Trinity asked her.

“Uhm, get me just the Duke.” Hiver said, opening her bag and letting her Ghost transmat the cannon into it. “Never know when anything can jump us. How do I look?” She asks, bringing her hands together near her chest.

The Ghost eyes her from the bottom up. “Great. You’re ready to go. You need me, I’ll be resting.” Trinity encourages her before transmatting away. She smiled, for she had a long, and hopefully great, day ahead.

The shipwright awaits near one of the artificial lakes in the plaza for her Awoken date, basking on the calm early morning sunlight. Hands neatly tucked inside her sheepskin-like pilot jacket’s pockets and mouthing a catchy tune they had sung together before at their secret spot.

“Wonder... whatchacallit?” She tried and failed to remember its name. With a shrug, she adjusted her own shoulder bag as she looked to see Hiver jogging out of her apartment building to meet her, like a puppy greeting its owner.

“Hey there, cowgirl.” She said, winking at the Awoken girl, who waved back happily.

“Hello, Amanda!” She took this time to examine her partner’s outfit. On her bottom half, brown combat boots, and ripped black jeans that exposed her mechanical joint.

The most notable feature was her open jacket, collar lined with short fur and adorned with patches; Tex Mechanica’s emblem on her right arm; Vanguard’s ‘V’ and the Sparrow Racing League symbol on her right breast; her left arm had a “Remove before flight”-styled tag with “Amanda Holliday” written on it. Finally, on her left breast, was a black, circle-shaped badge with a golden embroidering of six ships soaring towards the skies.

“Hey girl, why you starin’? Got something on me?” Amanda said with a chuckle, grabbing Hiver’s attention. This time, she was ready.

“Yes, you do.” She said, motioning with a finger towards her crush. “It’s just a bit of overwhelming beauty, don’t worry.”

Amanda gave a charmed laugh at her smoothness. Back to her sheepish smile, they started to walk towards nowhere in particular.

“Bet you got a cannon in there.” Amanda said, eyeing the bag on Hiver’s thigh.

“No!”

The human raises an eyebrow at her companion. She can’t resist it.

“...Yes.” She says as she shows her her Duke hand cannon.

“Haha! So, it’s one of two things. Either we’re doing some expeditioning… or you like the cannon more than me.”

“You’d be surprised how hard that is.” Hiver thought. “First option. But first, how about we get breakfast? I’m starving.” They start to walk, Hiver leading the way to the nearby café Selene pointed her towards.

“Aww. Don’t get to eat your homemade cooking today?” Amanda says, in faux-sadness. Well, not all of it. She did really like Hiver’s food.

“Later, if you’d like.” Hiver said to give her partner some hope.

After some minutes of walking and talking, they make it to the café. A little, cozy, brown and beige space, run by a weary but gentle-looking man and a woman that appeared to be his wife. The women greet the couple, sitting down at the elegant wooden table. Theu get served a stack of pancakes and two slices of a cake with an interesting name. “Red Velvet”, they called it. Beside that, was one mug of latte with a layer of whipped cream and one of hot chocolate. Darting between a distracted Hiver and the whipped cream, Amanda had an idea, sipping at it.

“Hiver.”

“Yes?” The Warlock answered, looking up from her cake to see Amanda had a thin cream mustache on her face.

“Ready to bang knuckles?” Amanda said in a husky voice, a purposefully poor imitation of the City’s shadiest individual. Hiver couldn’t hold her laughter, which made the shipwright extremely satisfied.

As she licked the cream off of her upper lip and got to eating, Hiver was machinating her turn.

She threw her hood on and spoke very nasally, while holding the menu like a datapad. “Why, miss Holliday, banging knuckles is not going to find us any Golden Age archives! Keep your priorities in order.”

It was Amanda’s turn to laugh at Hiver’s shenanigan as she took the hood off of her head. Both continued their breakfasts before it went cold, glad start their days off with a bit of good fun.

“That was a good start of the day, lady-killer.” Amanda says, her face propped up on her hands, kicking her legs in teasing expectation. “Where to now?”

“A bit of flying, if you don’t mind. Got places I want you to visit.”

“When did I ever mind flying? Let’s get right to it!”

Trinity took this cue to transmat both of them into Hiver’s ship and trace a course to the Old American Empire. Hiver had them en route to a place who kickstarted their ‘relationship’, so it was time to show them some gratitude.

They touched down right at Quinn’s village’s gates, which was definitely livelier than the last time. The rainclouds had passed and they were working more towards expanding and defending their perimeter. While Amanda takes in the scenery, Hiver notes the recently added plaque that says “St. Winter”. She makes a mental note to ask about it later.

“So,” Amanda turned to her, “this is the place you saved for pitaya?”

“It was worth it, alright? You were so happy that day. Plus I saved the Vanguard the headache of investigating some… possible resurrection of the House of Wolves. Aaaand made some people happy along the way. Everybody won.”

The cheerful man from the last time Hiver was there shows up, after the citizens spread word of the “return of Old Lady Winter”.

Amanda looks at her curiously. “Lady Winter.”

“First Gunslock and then this… being fair, I guess I didn’t give many people my name yet.” The Gunslock says, shrugging.

“That’s right!” Quinn says as he steps closer. “But ice blue as your skin is and deadly as your passing was to these pirates, no title is more fitting.”

“Hello, Quinn. This is my, uh, date, Amanda Holliday.” She says, motioning towards Amanda. “Amanda, this is Quinn, the man who helped me secure their supply routes.”

“Wassup!” Amanda says with a two-finger salute. He smiles politely under his black beard.

“My pleasure to meet you, Amanda. This woman is truly virtuous.”

“Yeah, she does crazy stuff for me sometimes.” She said, eyeing the Awoken girl who is shrinking into herself in embarrassment. “Hope she knows I appreciate it!”

“Wait… was it…” Quinn makes an ‘oh’ face in realization. “Was it her you came to grab the fruit for, Hiver?”

“Shut it!” Hiver rebutts in shame, trying to find another place to look at. Amanda chuckles at her flustered date.

“Hohoho, that was a knightly quest. “Labor of love”, she told me. A lot of labor… means a lot of love. She’s a keeper.” He winks at Amanda, who laughs nervously while blushing and scratching her nape.

“Would you two like to stay in our little town for lunch? Thanks to your lover there, we now have an abundance of food coming in.”

“Sure, why not? Hiver?” Amanda answers, taking off her jacket and looking at her date, who is now a flustered mess ten feet away from them.

A shy “Yeah” is all she can muster before they follow Quinn into the restaurant-like building that is the communal mess hall. It has a rustic interior, many long tables and a little platform, presumably for public announcements. Directly in front of the door is a bar counter leading to the kitchen, with people coming in and out, carrying food, plates and drinks.

They get the end of a table with people cheering the Guardian and her partner, soon dying down as people began to talk and eat their meals; They’re served chicken steak with a layer of madeira sauce, french fries and rice.

“Ooooooh....” Amanda ogles over the meal being put in front of them. “Quinn, would y’all have beer, by any chance?”

“Should have it.” Quinn goes to the bar counter and after some minutes returns with two mugs filled with foamy, golden orange liquid, placing them before the two girls.

“Here. Homebrew.”

“Asskickin’!” The blonde says,

“Uh…” Hiver stutters, staring at her mug. “I’m sorry, but is it a bad time to tell you I don’t like alcohol?”

“Not at all, Guardian. I’ll take your mug.” Quinn says, dragging it to the side of his plate.

Hiver gets up from the table, looking around for any indication of a restroom. “In the meantime, I’ll go look for something else to drink, and… a restroom, or something.”

Quinn points to a passage beside the platform. “Down that hallway.” Hiver thanks him and takes her leave.

“She’s really something, isn’t she?” Quinn stealthily asks Amanda, who is swallowing a bite of her steak.

“Yeah. When I heard her story ‘bout how she came all the way to the Old America to get ONE fruit… just to see me smile… I realized how wonderful she is.” Amanda said before biting another fry. “Of course, wasn’t the first time she did somethin’ for me, but the rest was more casual, see? Never was on ‘traveling across the continent and risk her life to find a thing I ate as a kid’ level.”

Quinn closed his eyes and nodded happily at Amanda’s talking.

“Like… damn, how can I ever repay that kinda stuff? Just how far would she go for me?” She took a sip out of her beer. “Which’s why, one day, she invited me to a date and... I said yes. Seemed to make her the happiest girl in the entire system. It was so simple, and yet enough to, well, ‘repay’ her for the trouble she went through.”

She sighs and looks around, seeing all the people eating or talking over their empty plates. A band is apparently setting up at the platform.

“Honestly? Being here, and seeing how happy she made these people, even thinking about me, makes me realize that she is more wonderful than I imagined. And I want her to never change.”

“You could always be by her side to make sure she doesn’t.”

Amanda just blushes and chuckles nervously, looking around for a way not to reply to that.

“Heeey, cowgirl!” She says to her unknowing savior, who arrived just at the right time to avoid admitting something awkward.

“Hello, Amanda! Hey, Quinn!” The Warlock sits down and immediately gets to eating, being hungry since she ate so little in the morning. While she’s entertained with food, Quinn shoots Amanda a smug smile, to which she makes a flat expression and mouths ‘shut up’ back.

After some minutes, their attention is caught by acoustic guitar chords and the hitting of a bass drum. The more art-inclined folks have started playing a classic song, and the citizens either watch gladly or sing along.

“Life is old there, older than the trees, younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze…” The male lead sang soulfully.

“Country roooooads~” Amanda softly sings along with the band and the other people at the mess hall, bobbing side-to-side with the rhythm and closing her eyes to focus on the song better. Hiver giggles at her date’s moment of freedom. It was one of her favorite styles of music, after all.

All the songs being over, it was almost the mid-afternoon. There was one last place the Guardian wanted to take Amanda.

“Hiver,” Quinn called out as they went out of the Mess Hall, “I have great news for you.”

“Hm? What is it?”

“Folks are building another village in the horizon of the hill our supply route goes through. We might all go there to negotiate with them.”

Amanda and Hiver trade looks and smiles of gleeful surprise. “Guess the Titans weren’t lying when they said Last City would one day be known as the First City.”

“We’ll be on our way now, Quinn. I’ll come to visit whenever I’m available again.” Hiver says, bidding farewell.

“Nice to meetcha! Glad my girl here could do some good around here. ‘S near where my ma was born, after all.” Amanda states, putting her jacket back on and looking at the settlement in longing.

“Have a safe flight, ladies. We’ll be expecting you, hopefully with more good news to tell.” Quinn waves goodbye as they get transmatted back into orbit.

“Well, that was really sweet to see.” Amanda said, sitting behind Hiver in her jumpship.

“Yes, it was.” Hiver says, typing in Selene’s last set of coordinates. “Not as sweet as what we’re going to do now.”

“Ooooh, mysterious.” She says, wrapping her arms around her friend’s neck. “Okay, I’ll trust you’re taking us somewhere nice.”

Hiver giggles. “When have I not?” The jumpship picks up speed, and they depart to their last stop.

After some minutes of traveling, they arrive at their destination.

It was a beach that faced the west. Completely untouched by either human or Darkness presence, save only for eroded rocks, sand, and the serene sea quietly crashing at the shore. Amanda had never seen a place like this before. The shipwright and the Guardian leaned against a rock, the former closing her eyes and allowed herself to feel the wind in her face, and the salutiferous smell of the sea breeze.

It was… clean. It was calm.

Peace, was the word for what she felt.

They admired in silence as the sky turned a beautiful mixture of pink, blue, and golden, the sign of night starting to paint itself unto the heavens. As dark covered the beach, Trinity took distance and illuminated the two women as softly as she could. Soon, the clean night sky revealed a mesmerizing sight to both women.

Purple. Pinkish red. Blue. Gold. Nebulae, cloudy shapes of the galaxy, dancing in the horizon. Hundreds of Constellations, some unknown, some brighter than others. A soothing, abstract work of art, painted in the everlasting and infinite canvas, extending from the sea eternally upwards, reminding the girls.

“It’s gentle.” Hiver says, quietly.

“How so?” Amanda replies.

“We were once in the starlight. Trillions of years back. When life began.”

“The stardust gathered. It made Earth. With a combination of factors, and a speck of luck, went on to create us.”

Amanda listened quietly to the soft voice of her date, calmly amazed at everything going on around her.

“You and I, Amanda… we are the stardust. Our bodies and souls were once part of this infinite beauty. Its little building blocks are now part of us.”

“I used to hear we were insignificant to the universe. I believe not. I believe… we are part of it.”

Their hands touch each other. They hold each other’s hands gently.

“As in… we’re universes in our own rights?”

“Yes. We are. There is infinity as we see, but… there is also infinitude inside of us. Sometimes…” Hiver brushes her fingertips against Amanda’s, leading the latter to intertwine them. “I believe they can communicate.”

“Maybe not by talking.”

“Not the outer universe. That’s why we may interpret the signs differently. People over the centuries have tried.”

Amanda tilts her head to look at her Awoken date sideways. Hiver looks at her a bit more directly.

“And the inner universe? How does it talk?”

“Many ways. By ideas. Feelings. Gestures. Expressions. And by those, we made contact with people; and, consequently, we were allowed inside their universes.”

Amanda kept quiet and touched the side of her head on Hiver’s as the Warlock looked down at the ocean waves, swallowing hard.

“I think...” She managed to let out.

“Hm?”

“I think the outer one is gentle because it allowed both of our universes to find each other.”

Amanda slowly turns her head towards Hiver’s. She was very close to her face.

“Come on, girl, don’t fuck this up.” The Guardian told herself as she looked at the galaxy arm once more.

“A-and… the universe that lives in me has fallen… profusely and unwaveringly in love with the one… that lives in you.”

“Hiver, look at me.” Amanda said. Hiver turned her head, almost tearing up with nervousness. It felt liberating to put her feelings out there, but she was never this unsure of what came next.

She felt the hard, warm touch of Amanda’s forehead against hers. A soft sensation of cartilage as their noses brushed. An off-hand around her waist. A hot breath near her own mouth.

The warmth of a protostar as it comes to life. The soft jolt of a comet trail on the opaque black sky. The musica universalis -- the harmony that conducts the perfect circles the celestial bodies move in on -- almost made audible. The addition of two infinitudes whose lights were brighter than ever before as they held each other.

The brushing of lips, delicate as shimmering dew on the morning.

Two women, two universes, telling each other “I love you”.

#destiny 2 #destiny oc #destiny warlock #destiny hunter #hiver the gunslock #oc x canon #amanda holliday #devrim kay #my fanfic

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anotherfreshstrugglessss-blog · 6 years ago

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By myself would be hell because I would then need to get up and walk it in my own. But with another, it would be so easy becasue there would be balance. whether or not we go together or we take turns. I miss having dogs around me. they are so unique in character personality and awe. it’s just a winder watching them grow, so as kids to see them evolve. I had 7 dogs at the home never 6 or 5. Except for the very forst one ijj had as a child wgich after she was poisened by another, her death was too much and it wasnt till lmost ten years as a late teen that i decides to have another. It was also only in the last 2 years or so of my moms life, since here that the numbers decrease and that was due to the many persons in that land against it. But i had to chose between getting the help needed to ensure that my mom was taken care of. it wasnt easy for her either . My mom loved tgose animals. I too loved them. I loved them being in and out if the house, but we more sisters that mother and child. becaus though animal we constantly war and the constantly told on me to my mom. and s he always took their side. but i didnt mind. I just didn’t want them in my room. they went all over the house, but I just didn’t like them in my room. because when they in mommy’s room they touch only certain things, but not in my room, they normlly touched everything and kept removing stuff from it and when I’m not their I know they been in there because apart from the guilty look they carried, my bed was slept because they shed. Which is why we bathed them regularly and cleanse. but not many people in thay land want to know all that, theu most hate dogs and believe they should be outside and resent the ideas of the dogs being inside much less in ones bed. For me, if i had here, I know I would spoil them. just like a child. ik dont mind picking up after them, what I mind is having to do it everyday as I am now. if i wasnt alone then that wouldn’t be a problem and if i wasnt broke as well. All I would need to do is learn how they are cared for here and that would be perfect

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lokbobpop · 3 years ago

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Ecstasy

Ecstasy is a feeling of very great happiness.

late 14c., extasie "elation," from Old French estaise "ecstasy, rapture," from Late Latin extasis, from Greek ekstasis "entrancement, astonishment, insanity; any displacement or removal from the proper place," in New Testament "a trance," from existanai "displace, put out of place," also "drive out of one's mind" ( ...

Ecstasy ec stasy ecst asy

Writing the word ecstasy

Well i wouldnt know how to spell it if I hadn’t seen it for sure i would of used a x and. C where not needed.

Reading the word ecstasy

When i first read th word i was thinking when have I every been in ecstasy and i thought i havent really well only at school maybe I might of use this word of saying i was in total bliss forgetting the time when i took ecstasy which i think was twice that I remember, the first time we went to a night club in hk an di thought it was amazing half way through the night i wanted more and got some and ended up not being able to sleep all night and the next night I remember i think anyway i was very trippy looking at the stars and them moving weirdly id had a brill night and everyone when i said this is amazing they said yes the first time is always amazing, and it wasnt until the second time i realized what theu meant this time i took it with my brother and I wasn’t that good at all i thought just put a smile on my Face id say so my whole experience with it was one of yeh i like that but didnt do it again.

Makes me think of being a kid and doing something your loved like eating ice cream at a fair ground or school trip something that didnt happen very often that you rarely live this word it actually makes me think the word is a bit creepy like it was something exciting like sex but that young it was far from ecstasy

Saying ecstasy

Well i nearest i come to this word would be am orgasm id say when you are in total bliss your whole body and mind goes into complete pleasure if i had to explain it to someone thsi would be the only thing that would be the closest to what it would be like ot experience the word.

Drugs in the 90s makes me think everyone took this made you clinch your bottom jaw I remember but everyone took it but cost lots of money because we never took it all thr time like others.

Does this definition support me no thoughts of being stupid taking drugs not comes up and the polarity of really enjoying them a lot that couple of times i did do it but then finding it within an orgasm.

Ecstasy fantasy

Ecstasy

Eccentricity to be different but same to have a uniqueness

I will live this word with discovery my own uniqueness my own person my own beingness.

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panda-noosh · 7 years ago

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How the paladins react to you going missing.

I thought I'd try something different because I'm edgy. Enjoy!

Shiro:

All of a sudden, he completely loses his chill.

Like, to the point where even Coran is shocked.

He spends most of his time ordering the others around, telling them where to stand and what to do to make your rescue quicker.

Really turns into a leader. He just wants you found.

“They'll be fine. They're a fighter.”

“I should have been protecting them. I should have been there.”

Plenty of guilt.

Short temper.

Crying when he's on his own.

Keith:

When he initially finds out, he doesn't really believe it.

He's so used to you coming home from missions and greeting him with that big kiss, that you not coming home just seems a little . . . surreal.

He waits for you for a little while. The others are trying to tell him that you're not coming back and that they need to start a rescue plan.

Once the denial is gone, the anger takes it place.

Like Shiro, he just loses control.

Keith's anger is more aimed at himself, though, and he shows it through silence.

He literally just sits and plans the rescue, and don't dare think for a minute that he didn't try and leave the castle in the middle of the night because he thought the planning was useless.

He just wants you home. Hunk had to stop him before he could leave the ship.

“I've lost everyone. I can't lose them. I won't.”

Not believing the promises the others give him when they assure him you'll be coming home.

Punching random things.

Lance:

For once, Lance is silent.

He doesn't really know what to do with himself. Like ???? How can theu just be gone???

He's surprisingly calm, although on the inside he is fReAkInG oUt.

He basically agrees to any suggestion anybody gives because he just wants to get out there and rescue you.

“You don't look okay, man.”

“I'm fine!”

Him truly believing it was his fault. Like, with Shiro and Keith that's just kind of expected because of their past, but Lance genuinely walks around for days thinking he has killed the love of his life.

He tries to make people believe he is okay and still cracks jokes, but there's a dullness to them that everybody picks up on.

Far away glances.

His smile fading when he thinks nobody is looking.

Promising to find you every night as if you can hear him.

He cries once when it gets too much for him.

Hunk:

He gets energetic. Not in a good way.

Like, it's all adrenaline. As soon as the news is given to him that you were captured, he just gets jumpy.

“Let's go! Y/N doesn't have all day! Come on, come on, come on!”

He gets confused when people tell him that there's a strong chance you won't make it out alive.

“What do you mean? They'll be fine. They're always fine.”

Laughing and joking, suddenly growing very loud. Everybody notices the slight waver in his laugh.

He truly believes you're okay until the days start to pass and nobody has a clue where you are.

He gradually gets quieter and quieter until it's a difficult task getting him to speak at all.

He refuses to sleep in the bed you two shared.

Instead, he sleeps beside Lance.

“I hope you don't mind. I need to hug something.”

Lip quivers.

Glossy eyes.

Late nights spent thinking about the state you must be in.

Pidge:

She isolates herself like no other.

After she is told that you were captured, she simply nods, turns around and walks into her room, locking the door behind her.

Looks for anything to distract herself with. She hates feeling empty.

Tries to hack into every piece of technology you have on you.

When it doesn't work, she gets angry and starts to destroy things.

“Pidge! Pidge, stop!”

“I told them not to turn their head set off! I told them!”

Getting frustrated at little things.

Stammering over her own words.

Daydreaming.

Fiddling with her finger nails. She just wants something to hold onto.

Suddenly not knowing how to dress or how to style her hair. You used to help her pick out her outfits and cut her hair for her when it got too long.

Now that you're gone, she's a little oblivious to what style is.

Writing and drawing out detailed plans for your rescue.

Swearing on graves that she will find you and she will kill whoever hurt you.

#voltron imagines #voltron scenarios #voltron headcanons #reader x paladin #voltron #takashi shirogane #keith kogane #keith voltron #lance mcclain #lance voltron #shiro voltron #pidge gunderson #hunk garrett #self insert voltron

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prcmethevs · 3 years ago

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icarusfclling:

“I’d like to think I’m the same person now as I was back then, just… a little older.” A truth and a lie, a side step around the stumbling block the years have placed between them. He’s always had a gift for words but it was politics that taught Icarus to use them this way - as a veil, a mask, a revolving door that offers glimpses of his heart without stopping long enough to allow anyone in. The truth: that he wants, desperately, to believe he has not changed. The lie: that he does not know exactly what changes the years in Olympe have wrought.

Icarus doesn’t know what Prometheus will hear in his confession, doesn’t remember enough about the ways his lips curve or his head tilts to read his friend’s body language as though it were his mind anymore. They used to speak in half-sentences, picking up the threads of each other’s ideas and weaving them in and around each other like ribbons in the hands of a pair of dancers. Now they stand in this space that feels oppressively bare, hesitant and unsure, worse than strangers for all the shared history between them, and Icarus feels a sharp pang of loneliness.

“Please, no apology needed. We are colleagues, after all, and I daresay your role here is far more important than mine.” He huffs a soft laugh, waves a hand dismissively, and pretends that isn’t also a truth wrapped in courtesy and humor. They are both pawns, whether Theus knows it or not - the difference is that here, in Olympe, Icarus’ own role is strictly decorative. Zeus brought him here as one might bring a prized racehorse onto the lawn: to be looked at, admired, displayed, then sent back to the track to earn his keep doing what he was bred and bought for.

“It certainly has been interesting, I’ll say that much. This is your first Heteraidia, no?” It must be; he’d only just joined Zeus’ team a few months prior, and this is the first time such a broad invitation has been extended to those outside the city. “How has Olympe been treating you so far?”

How did you end up here? What happened to us? Is this really what you want?

The laughter slipped out of their lips before they could stop it, ringing hollow without an ounce of humor. Icarus had always been a craftsman with his words, much like how a musician mastered the most melodious tunes. The crowd leaned in to listen to his tales, so vivid and persuasive that the most stubborn minds could be swayed, even if only for a second. Prometheus would know, they had been one of those headstrong fools once upon a time. For a brief moment, they were tempted to play that role once more, to believe that somewhere, behind the webs he had constructed and presented to the public was Caro, the boy they had regarded as a kindred spirit. But politicians were liars by design, and Icarus Volati was one of the most brilliant one to sit in the Quorum today. To willingly reach out for a venomous snake would be beyond foolish, as it would be to provoke one.

And so, they sidestepped around the allure of the past, deciding to focus on the now. “There’s no need for flattery when my only duty is to offer advice and assistance.” It a roundabout way to say what others seem to see them as, a pet project. It was the sugarcoated truth – that they were nothing more than a glorified gofer who runs all over Olympe to expand Zeus’ ever-growing empire and fix the shit show the Rheas caused.

“And it is my first Heteraidia, yes,” they said with a nod, and then there was a beat of silence as the second question hang heavy in the air. How has Olympe been treating you, such a simple inquiry, one that many would see as an opportunity to brag over the fine things they had enjoyed. Prometheus, however, had built a dam to keep their homesickness at bay. Yet, here was Icarus, so close to breaking it down, once again tempting them to let him: I miss Arcadia, the house that I grew up in, the alleys we used to take as shortcuts whenever we’re running late to go to campus, and I wish there was a way to leave this all behind and return go home – how will we ever find our way home now? “Olympe has been good, I just haven’t had the time to explore,” they finally responded. “The Heteraidia preparations had kept me busy, ad did other things.” Then, with a thin smile, “I’m sure it’s not much different than your first year here.”

♢♢♢

#threads.#ft. icarus volati #prometheus & icarus 001 #icarusfclling #thread: phantom of a memory #event 001: the hall of hidden knives

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r95irth · 7 years ago

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Unpopular opinion

As much as i like Eri, and the trope of her being adopted by another hero (and getting protected by the whole class A)...i just can’t read fics with her lately. And i wondered why and then it hit me: because whenever i see fics about her she calls every girl Mommy/Mama/Auntie and every boy Daddy/Papa/Uncle or something like that. And i’m like...

Let her heal. She’s been betrayed by her own dad, used by people she might consider as family / being told it’s family ! To call anyone by that name again require a lot of trust, and even when there is a lot of trust sometimes it’s still not enough.

Kid who were abused in the past got their confidence shattered, they do not often take the first step to call anyone, let alone give them a nickname / a role that would show their weakspot. Worst, if they would call anyone “dad” or “mom” and then got rejected? Most of them just doesn’t try because of that possibility, even after YEARS. A lot of time, the parent have to say “it’s okay to call me dad/mom” to them before, otherwise they won’t try. Because abused/Abandonner kidoften get the habbit to not get emotionally involve with anyone if there’s a possibility they get hurt (not all of them though).

I don’t mind your headcanons with Eri, you can say she’s from the minority that still trusts people when she’ rescued, that the rescue itself gave them a special bond. It’s okay it’s your interpretation of the character.

But please, please be aware that it’s a big deal to call anyone dad/mom when you’re a abuse/abandon survivor.

That it’s not easy. That’s sometimes it never happens and it’s not because those children don’t like you any less (they do) but they are scared of rejection, they are scared of not being good enough, they are scared to give their heart because they are not sure they can heal a second time. (Sometimes they’re not sure they can heal the first time even, and it’s theu get feeling they don’t deserve you, i even witnessed child that got annoyed by every try to heal them because they were scared of being changed by someone. They were scared to bond with anyone fearing to be manipulated / influenced and lost themselves very easily when they barely knew who they were already)

Again i’m not trying to change your headcanon and how your view the character. I like Eri too, i want her happy, and adopted by wonderful parents she deserves.

[ It may souds hypocrite when i’m writing a fic about a kid being adopted by Shouto, but i really tried in my fic to show that it was hard to recover from abuse, that trust is not easy to restore and that calling Papa Mama nickname is not the end game / the winner cup / sole purpose. It’s love and trust that matters, not the way you call your parents. I can only hope i succeeded showing that in my fic. ]

#sorry i sound like i'm ranting #which may be true #a bit #it's just that it's hard for me to see this trope i think #bnha #Eri #better care #please i want to see more fic with Eri trying to adapt to her new normality #i want to see fic with Eri unsure of what to call people #i want people to comfort her that now no one will hurt her anymore

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tindigperyodista · 8 years ago

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Insights on mental health and class analysis, by a girl who has been depressed for eight years

A few months ago, a high school friend and I reconnected, and after feeling each other out for a bit, eventually admitted that since we'd lost touch, we'd been diagnosed with our respective mental disorders. We cried, commiserated. About lying in bed because we just can't get up, hearing "tamad ka lang katamaran lang yan" and believing it, screaming at ourselves that we are better than this we are good, we are smart, we are our parents' golden children, we have to make them proud. And from my talks with people, with strangers, with friends--I've noticed that this is a trend. The need to be more than what we are now. The desire to live up to expectations. To be normal. And for those of us who were told all our lives that we were the crème dela crème, best of the best, it's an even more damning pressure. It's not enough to be average, you have to be above average. And it's not enough to be above average, you have to be the best of all those who are above average. It's not enough to be a big fish in a small pond; you have to be the biggest fucking shark in the ocean. I remember curling up on the floor, sobbing to my therapist, "All I want to be is power. All I want is to be worthy. To be good enough." And this need is what drives my borderline personality disorder (BPD) and my depression. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD is five times more likely to occur if a close family member has the condition. It's also linked to to "structural and functional changes in the brain, especially in the areas that control impulses and emotional regulation" (National Insitute of Mental Health)--though of course these are not the only factors, and indeed there are people with BPD who do not have these risk factors. The point being: mental disorders can be, but are not necessarily, a biological thing. I have met so many people struggling with mental illnesses and mood disorders and we all feel the same way. Cry the same way. Break down sobbing when we miss a deadline or fail a test or get a grade lower than we ever had in our whole lives. (I dropped from magna cum laude to cum laude during the worst semester of my life, and I stared at my CRS and tried not to hate myself any more than I already did.) Sometimes, these breakdowns lead to the--no, not unthinkable. Many of us have already thought about it. Some of us, myself included, have even tried it. Sometimes these breakdowns lead to the terrible conclusion. Suicide. It's estimated that in the Philippines, an estimated 2,558 people commited suicide, according to a 2014 World Health Organization report. And the rates for suicide, according to the Philippine Psychiatric Association, peak at 15-24 years old--right at the cusp of young adulthood. Late teens to early twenties. Young people. Me. My friends. My peers. The boy I see jogging at the oval. The girl I always meet at the kiosk. The Department of Health (DOH) has found that in Southeast Asia, the Philippines has the highest incidence of depression. In 2004, over 4.5 million cases of depression were reported in the country. According to DOH, so many of us are suffering a pain that has no name. Thirty out of 90 depressives don't even know they have depression. Thirty out of 90 depressives do know, but won't seek help. It could be the stigma. It could be the shame. It could be the fact that in my experience, a therapy appointment costs upwards of P500, and P500 buys so many things: clothes, food, a fraction of the rent, bills. So we push and we fight and we struggle for quality and accessible mental healthcare. We clamor and lobby and rally for a healthcare that isn't privatized, for bodies not to be milked for profit. For us not to have to choose between eating and wanting to kill ourselves. For our government to care that we are dying and to do something so we live. Because even for us, the lucky 30 who do seek help...we, or at least I, scream at ourselves for it. Therapy is expensive. I am guilty every time my family sends me money for my sessions: my brain, screaming mind over matter, God you're pathetic. Kala ko ba matalino ka. Bakit babagsakin ka na ngayon? Laki ng gastos mo sa magulang mo, pakamatay ka ma lang, di hamak mas mura ang kabaong at kape kaysa sa tuition rent bills grocery-- So we struggle. So we fight. Because mental disorders are insidious and murderous and we want to live. But another huge factor we can't discount is how the society we grow up and live in, molds us into this self-hating self-deprecating always-fucking-hurting individuals. Why would kids like us--like me--need accomplishments so desperately? Why would we be curled up fetal position sobbing, saying over and over, "Tangina gumalaw ka, puta ka, may acads ka, di ka gagraduate, you worthless piece of shit, pano na magulang mo, pano na lahat ng pangarap mo--" Love, of course. The safety and stability of our families. But also: the glittering life sold to us by the capitalist economy. The one that promises billboard-worthy happiness and a penthouse condominium and wine after five Fridays. If we just work hard enough, push past this stupid depression, we can reach that. We can be happy. It's an illusion. But it's an illusion that's difficult to dispel. It's the same illusion that drives the viral posts of security guards graduating magna cum laude at the school theu guard at; the elementary schoolchild studying under a lamppost; the illusion that states if you work hard enough, you'll succeed and be happy. It's a lie because from the very beginning the racers were weighed down with balls and chains. It's a lie because not everyone gets the education that people who can afford college do. It's a lie because not everyone gets the same education that we UP students do--the same education that guarantees at least a glance at your resumé. Hell, not everybody qualifies for "at least high school graduate" job postings I've seen around. So we fight not only for mental healthcare, but for quality and accessible education in all levels, for all Filipinos. Because the right to life doesn't stop at life; it comes with the right to quality to life, as well. The K-12 program is not only a burden to the parents forced to shell out for another two years of education (the discussion of how private schools have milked K-12 for profit will have to be put aside for now). It is also a machinery to create welders, domestics, nail artists--in short, docile labor--to send as overseas Filipino workers (OFWs) out in the international market. I am reminded, once again, of former UP president Alfredo Pascual: "Tertiary education is a privilege, not a right." But it is a right. Filipinos deserve more than to be called "the world's best workers". Why not the world's best scientists, best artists, best singers dancers engineers lawyers writers doctors--God, psychologists and psychiatrists! What I am trying to say is: we have been conditioned all our lives to believe that if we work hard enough, we will get that glittery life of peace and plenty. And when we struggle to get there--our genetics, our brains, our traumas--we curl in on ourselves and hurt and blame ourselves. But it was unfair from the beginning. It's not our fault it's hard. The way our society works is by keeping the poor, poor, and the middle-class just solidly middle-class enough to keep chasing that glittering dream life that keep the Powers That Be laughing all the way to their offshore bank accounts. Break that society. Break that system. We deserve better. Mental health issues cannot be imprisoned within the narrow lens of biology or emotion. They also have to be seen through a societal lens. Living as we do in a social construct, we are shaped and changed by how that society treats us. The struggle for mental health is not exclusive to the struggle for free education, or indeed the struggles of the many sectors who push for land, autonomy, representation--democratic rights. Our struggles are woven together. We are stronger together. Hanggang sa tagumpay! Sources: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml http://www.who.int/mental_health/suicide-prevention/world_report_2014/en/ http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/story/376780/lifestyle/healthandwellness/psychiatrists-tell-all-the-411-on-suicide-prevention http://portal.doh.gov.ph/content/woeful-suicide.html

#mental health #sulat #class analysis #basically shari is my vice chairperson pa rin mga ulol #HAHAHAHA

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