#i just had to walk for my grad (from last semester bc covid)

[inkofamethyst]

November 20, 2023

Weekend thoughts.

So I've had an album to help deal with anxiety for the past couple of years, and I think I now have an album to promote self-confidence and hype myself up before an event. Beyonce's Renaissance has been played regularly this semester (almost) straight through. It's great for a power walk to campus.

UGH okay so six months to the day after my last day of undergrad my school-supplied free HBO Max subscription was cruelly ripped from my grasp without warning. I knew it was coming eventually, and I've been working on clearing my watchlist for months. Unfortunately, their bet was totally on point. I immediately resubscribed. And best believe imma watch every CENT's worth (I watch a minimum of 1-2 Batman episodes a day these days, and when you consider the convenience, the cost isn't bad). So it seems that my streaming service hopping has begun, as it's neither necessary nor responsible to pay for several services that all have the same role. (I might let Max go over break to focus on reading and watching shows on my parents' accounts at home.)

My... ceramics-friend (a cohort member) invited me to a friendsgiving she was hosting (she knows a lot of people who live in the area), and it was not a bad time at all. I get nervous in situations (lol there could be a full stop right here) where I only know the host, but a couple of people I knew/was acquainted with showed up and that made things a bit better. I employed my usual strategy of "find a place to sit and then stay there" and that was good. I didn't stay to the end, but pretty close. I did meet some really cool people!! (Side note: I don't really drink bc I don't care for the taste, but we're now at the age where a goldenish drink is more likely to be gin with other flavors than apple juice and now I know that it is absolutely necessary to ask what something is before filling a glass (but best believe I finished my whole (tiny) glass like a big girl). I tell people that I'm a bit stunted due to covid but truthfully it's just because I'm pathetic boring uh uhh.. intensely introverted (still gotta mind how I talk about myself these days, even an unchecked joke could set my progress back)).

This summer I'd bought two pairs of Docs (one on a whim and then another that I'd wanted for years and years) because they were both ridiculously discounted. I'd broken in the impulse pair over the last several months (1461 patents, they're going to be my ~conference docs~ I think) then a week or so ago decided to start breaking in the other pair (1460 Nappa). Ngl, I thought they were a huge mistake at first. Tight, inflexible, tough to put on. My feet HURT. But. After a couple of days out (only a few hours at a time), they feel quite a bit better. Still months to go, I know, but I feel relieved.

Last thing: after having my third eye opened to the idea of building equity through a house and feeling intense rage against the idea of renting for the rest of my life (specifically if I choose to settle in one place), I've come to realize that this foreverrent thing touches more than just housing. I want to own my favorite albums now, my favorite movies, shows. I don't want my ability to consume my favorite media to be at the mercy of a streaming service. The most difficult part of that though (after figuring out the list of what I want to own and also paying for it over time) is figuring out where to store the hard copies. This might be a problem I spend more time working out this summer when there's less going on, but now that I'm ~radicalized~ I just wanted to state that it's on my radar. It's probably not reasonable to chip away at this while I'm in this apartment since it won't be my final place in grad school and I don't want to move more boxes than needed.

Today I'm thankful for.. uhm uhh OH I'm thankful that the clicking noises don't wake me up at night anymore.

I wonder how much of that half circle skirt I'll be able to complete at home over break [edit, four days later: none]. May have to hem during winter break.

Also the M9 reunion post-apogee was SO FUN k bye

[pencilscratchins]

oh little update: december turned insane, so some of the bury your cringe requests will probably be posted in january BUT THEY WILL BE DONE!

[wanderinglotus7]

The Legacy Continues

Well, I made it! I made it. There are three days left of 2020 until we roll into 2021. This year has been a game changer. Game changer doesn’t seen correct...life altering sounds better. My life drastically changed within the past month. Though these events threw me off my game, I recovered and bounced back even stronger. This speaks to my tremendous strength in the Lord & within myself. I continue to tell myself that the fortune teller I spoke with summer 2019 has been spot on y’all. August 2020 to now, adjust to my new life has been challenging, but I don’t regret my decision moving to Massachusetts. This decision is part of the life-course God has plan for me.

Yes, I miss my family. However, my experiences of attending Bridgewater College and traveling to Thailand has prepared me for this moment in my life. Because of covid I haven’t really been active in my new environment, but I try to take advantage of the opportunities I do have to explore my surroundings. Last week I took a nice walk and ended up exploring another part of Newton and almost ended up in the inner city of Boston (I think I walked about 8 miles in total). I took another walk into town and walked into HomeGoods on my way to Starbucks. Leaving and returning to Boston, I took the train and was able to get myself to and from the Logan airport. Small victories in my book! I am in no rush to try to experience everything all at once. I have around 4 to 5 years to embrace Boston as my new home. I already feel like it is anyway. This is my true testimony to see if I can really be responsible for myself. So far, I feel confident in achieving/excelling in this area of my life. My upbringing has prepared me, yet again, for the challenges of [young] adulthood. 

I am getting ahead of myself. I have to rewind a bit give y’all an update. December 18th was the last day of classes and finals week. I have successfully finished my first semester of grad school!!! YEAH ME!!!!! I’m telling you the hard work paid off. I did have my moments of doubt and feelings of not being good enough. I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning trying to balance school, work, and my internship. On top of that, I am trying to balance a relationship along with working on my mental health. My mind & body is always on the go. No time for rest...actually there are moments of rest, but I chose not to rest instead. I have a bad habit of pushing through and bulldozing my way through my life. I don’t take the necessary time to be present and focus on what is in front of me. Sometimes, I get too focused on the future and forget to enjoy the present. I have been in this mode since mid October to the 18th. Midterms kicked me in the ass because that was around the same time I began working at chipotle. Even before Chipotle, I was falling behind on the readings and assignments for my classes. On the other hand, my internship with Amirah is not a stressor in my life because it is an experience that I am passionate about. I’m not bothered having to wake up early and end my days late when it comes to my internship because I am that committed. Being overwhelmed and stressed I passed all my midterms with good grades (all As and one B)! Then the unexpected happened...

October 29th at 11:18pm, I received a phone call from my mother informing me that my Grandmother Shirley unexpected passed away. I think they determined her cause of death was because of a heart attack. I’m not sure. Honestly, I don’t think I really want to know. I’m hoping she passed away peaceful. The news sent me into shock. I just couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. I just had a conversation with that previous Thursday or Saturday, and the conversation went so well. She was so proud of me. She was excited for me to be home for Christmas and all these other things. It’s not the same, but at least we were able to say “I love you” before she passed. Who would’ve known that would be the last time I will ever speak to her again. And this had to happen around the holidays and around the same time that Laura Mae (my great grandmother passed away). In less than three weeks, I received a phone call and text early in the morning from my Grandma Louise and my dad telling me that my granddaddy unexpectedly passed away too. Two grandparents removed from my life at the snap of the finger.

With help from my family, I was able to fly to Virginia for both funeral services. This time I said my final good-byes unlike with Laura Mae. I didn’t want to live with that guilt. Everyone has been very compassionate, understanding, and accommodating to my situation and has given me time to grieve & heal especially regarding BC, Amirah, & Chipotle. I missed a few classes and had to receive a few extensions on a couple of assignments. I pulled through the best way I could manage in my emotional state. My emotional state didn’t get any better dealing with my relationship during this time. Some of my boyfriend’s recent decisions added more unnecessary stress in my life. I was already stressed about me introducing him to my entire family because the timeline got rushed and I wasn’t for sure if I wanted him around while I’m going through a mental & emotional meltdown. At the end of the day, he wanted to be there for me to provide his live and support and I wasn’t going to deny him of doing so. It would’ve been selfish of me to tell him “No”. Everything happens for a reason. Instead of spending maybe two weeks together, my boyfriend and I spent basically all of November together bouncing between Gloucester and Woodstock. It sucked that it had to be under sad circumstances.

Decisions, decisions, decisions that is where my mind was at. Only a few individuals gave me the needed space to focus & process my emotions. From all angles I was being pressured to make some permanent decisions in which my mind was not in the right mind frame to be thinking. I did reach out and have been receiving counseling services from the university which has been helpful. I am in the process of searching for a therapist outside of the university for long-term treatment. Though I tell myself sometimes I feel like quitting, I decided to remain a full time student, declared my concentration, and completed my field placement application for 2021-2022 academic year. I’m on tract to graduating Spring 2022. Being blessed again, I was able to receive extensions on two of my finals and on my field placement assignments. I passed all my finals! I received all As and one B+. I ended the semester with a 3.6 GPA. Not too shabby (lol). I know my grandparents are very proud of me.

I’m proud of myself! I didn’t surrender and take the easy way out. I turned 24 on the 7th which is another milestone in my life. I was shown much love that exceeded my expectations. I spent the Christmas alone, but I made the best out of my situation & was still able to connect with my loved ones. Since the 18th I devoted my downtime, and overall winter break taking better care of myself. The last week I was home, I noticed that I’ve been severely neglecting myself and it was heavily damaging my well-being. I’m growing in setting and maintaining my boundaries, learning to be present with emotions & resting, being okay with saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it. The most important lesson is not overworking myself in every aspect of my life. I am no good to myself or others if I am completely burnt out. 

I am praying that 2021 isn’t a continuation of this year. Yet, 2020 has not been all too horrible. I have been able to grow in so many ways that I am becoming a better individual. Most important, I’m continuing to learn how to be a better person for myself!

[youcantclipmywings]

updateeeeee

tw substance abuse, self harm, and eating disorder discussion

Tbh fuck this shelter in place. I live in a state where we’re basically in almost complete lockdown except for necessary medical appointments, prescriptions, and groceries. I’m now doing all of my classes through Zoom which basically means I’m not learning shit and I have no fucking motivation to try and honestly my school is lowkey encouraging it. They’re gonna let us choose between keeping our letter grades at the end of the semester or changing it to pass/fail which def has pros and cons but it also makes me feel waaaaaay less motivated to put effort in. As long as I get a D- or above I get a passing grade and none of my classes are ones that will matter for grad school applications. 

I’ve been stuck at my mom’s house and she definitely has COVID-19 but the healthcare system refuses to test her (FUCK TRUMP) so we’ve been having to completely isolate from each other. Luckily they’ve been treating her symptoms and she seems to slowly be getting better (she developed bronchitis). Also, my dad got pneumonia so he prob had it too but I haven’t been able to see him because of my exposure to my mom. But my 14 day isolation ends this Sunday and I still haven’t showed any symptoms so I think I’m prob good. Anyways, that means I’ve been having to sleep downstairs, in the bed I slept in right after my surgery. So basically, I’ve been stuck inside with nowhere to go, sleeping in the same bed that I had been for 6 months previously, and there’s no end in sight. Of course I’m fucking triggered. I got 2.5 months of reprieve and being able to function like a fairly “normal” person and now I’m back to what feels like my post-surgery recovery was. And I’ve been coping horribly. I’ve had urges to cut for the first time in quite awhile. I’ve been drinking almost every night. I haven’t had access to weed but if I did I’d been smoking everyday, multiple times a day. 

It’s unfortunate that I’ve completely fallen apart substance wise because I had actually started doing better. I’d been drinking on the weekends bc college parties but I wasn’t day drinking or drinking on weekdays/weeknights which felt reasonable to me. I finally told my therapist that I’d basically been high everyday since November 2018 and we made a plan for me to try and stay sober a week (this was just over a month ago I think?) and I lasted the whole week and only smoked twice the next week (I only see my therapist twice a month so that felt huge to me). And then the next session, I was finally able to mention that I was feeling a little concerned about how intensely I was focusing on my weight loss and how I felt like I was taking unhealthy measures in order to get what I want. I couldn’t explain the extent but I was finally able to mention it which felt pretty big as I’ve been hiding it since October 2019. And then my session this past Wednesday I talked to her about how I’ve been drinking a lot and she was like “yeah, that’s completely understandable given your situation. of course you’d be super triggered right now.” and then we tried to figure out some ways for me to channel my upset energy so I don’t feel as overwhelmed and upset. 

Anyways, I had a few days sober and then drank yesterday and attempted to smoke today but the pen is completely out so... I def need to go through with the plan my therapist and I made to help calm down that triggered energy. I also need to find some sort of activity or thing I’m passionate about/interested in to do because sitting around watching Law and Order SVU and YouTube videos criticizing Trisha Paytas and Tana Mongeau (or however you spell their names) because while that’s entertaining, it isn’t productive. Also fuck Trisha and Tana they’re horrible disgusting people who don’t deserve any of the attention they get. 

I’m gonna try to commit to working through this shit and being more mindful and grounded. Meditating, going on short walks, waking up around the same time everyday on the weekdays, limiting my screen time, learning new skills, etc. I think that’ll distract me more than what I’m currently doing.

[wanderinglotus7]

Hello 2022

Winter break is over and I returned to reality. It wasn’t too much of a break, but it was better than having nothing. To relax and not worry about school on top of my other obligations was a stress reliever. Unlike other students, I began my spring semester two or three weeks earlier. It was worth it in my opinion. Sadly, I wasn’t able to go to Tucson, Arizona (covid once again). However, I was still able to participate in the Services to Migrants course which was held on campus. Man...it’s was an amazing experience😊 It was a real eye-opener for me. I learned so much about our country’s immigration issues at the U.S.- Mexico border. I learned more in that week than I’ve learned throughout my educational career. I highly recommend the course to any BC grad students.

In the next two or three weeks, spring semester started for the rest of the student population. Beforehand, I had to get covid tested and receive my booster shot. Again, I’m fully protected. I’m walking into week 3. My other courses are social work & spirituality, and advanced trauma theory & treatment modalities. Both classes are interesting so far, but the course load for assignments are more than the previous semester🤦🏽‍♀️Double the work. Yikes! I’m somewhat dig myself into a little hole because I haven’t finished my journal for the migrant class and haven’t started the final assignment which is due in April. When you think about it I don’t have much time because February starts Tuesday. January became a flash. A big blur! I’m noticing the procrastination settling in too (really not a good time). I want to remain on track for graduating with honors and I want to keep it that way. Money has become an issue again. Every time I check my student account it seems to be increasing instead of decreasing. WTF! What’s the whole point of having financial aid if I’m still paying thousands of dollars out of pocket. This country has really screwed up this system. Higher education shouldn’t be a debt sentence. I continue to pray that the Lord has me financially covered along with other things.

The last day for all MSW placements is April 29th. For me, I can technically end my internship on April 27th because that’s usually my busiest day and when I see most of my clients. The agency is no longer Sevita. Sevita has is now Mentor. Not MassachuettsMENTOR or the Mentor Network just Mentor. I don’t really care. At this point, I’m over it. I’m over my internship. I’m still grateful for the experience and I don’t regret my decision, but in-home therapy isn’t for me. Again, I discovered something I don’t like about the job. I need more structure in my day-to-day schedule. The flexibility is nice, but also a downer for me. I’m already an early bird, so I need like a typical 9-5 job. My IHT schedule has increased to in the sense that I’m meeting clients more frequently throughout the week and my days have become longer. I’m working from 9am to 9pm; factor in school and chipotle. This work is exhausting.

I hopefully I can gain some insight from this Thursday’s career panel I’m attending that evening. In my free time I’ve been researching other types of jobs I can do in the social work field. I find myself being redirected to human trafficking/sexual exploitation/trauma. To help with my work-life balance I need a 9-5 work environment where I am reassured that I’m getting whether or not I’m having a busy day or a slow day. My work ethic isn’t based on my productivity which is causing my burnout from my internship. I feel like Mentor is too money oriented and number focused. And that’s just not me. I appreciate the training, support, and hands on experience, however, I can’t see myself doing this line of work for a long time. My passion remains in the anti-trafficking movement. I still want to work with youth and I’m open to working with young adults. A few places and positions that I perked my interest is the Trafficking Intervention Project (TIP) which is in a medical/hospital setting, being a Peer Specialist, Youth Engagement Specialist, Peer Advocate, YWCA, and Amirah. These job opportunities have more of what I’m looking for; advocacy, psychoeducation, & counseling (mentorship, individual and/or group therapy). Since I still want my LCSW to become a clinical social worker, I still have to consider which of these placements will give me the hours and resources needed to take the ASWB exam for licensure. The career panel should give me clarification on that process or I can bring that discussion to supervision at Mentor.

Amirah showed me what I like about social work. Mentor has showed me what I don’t like about social work. My greatest strength is connecting with people. My weakness are boundaries and probably now being aware of deadlines for documentation. The only real downside I see with Amirah and other organizations/non-profits like them is being on-call even when your shift is over. I did enjoy the work even on my worst days. And I liked how I could do clinical work without actually doing clinical work and having the opportunity to incorporate my faith into my internship was great. Mentor I appreciate the peer support and working in a teamwork model. My clinical writing skills has improved compared to last school year especially for writing assessments and plans that I never down before outside of school. I know my guaranteed to receive the hours for licensure, but I don’t want to remain somewhere out of convenience if I know that environment isn’t a fit for me. IHT falls way too close into the “Hustle Culture” for me.