#i just got titus to stop talking 100% shit and tell me *some* true things

[rackartyg]

for pretty much anything anyone from the union says i’m just like. actually, fair enough. i get it. at first i was like ‘unga bunga is called union must be good’ and then i talked to evrart for the first time and was like. hm. but i get it now. fair enough evrart.

[fleimkepajohnmurphy]

top five worst clarke moments

5. Her Apology 

We’ve all had times where we were bad at giving apologies but I promise you that no one fucking sucks at apologies like Clarke Griffin. Clarke, when presented with the chance to apologise after leaving Bellamy to die in a fighting pit, getting Raven and Shaw tortured, siding with McCreary and you know...all the other villainy shit she did in season 5, instead used it to thinly veil her trying to manipulate her people. She then turned her “apology” which was basically just ‘i did some bad things’ like she shit on the carpet, she did not, she almost got one of them killed and got two tortured and this isn’t the first time she fucked up either but she turned her apology around to say ‘you guys have done bad things too’! She really, uh, Uno-Reverse-carded them there 

And yeah, they have done bad things but their bad things didn’t include killing one thousand people (guys I checked her wiki and did the math, she has killed over one thousand people I-), calling themselves the Commander of Death and traipsing around in a black cape - seriously guys, what the shit was that??? 

4. Leaving Murphy behind 

Hey, hey, guys, you remember that time where she and Murphy apparently bonded when being held captive by Ontari? As all you Clorke stans claim? No, no, they fucking didn’t. Because when she had the chance to leave, she left without even considering Murphy - oh yeah, other than telling Titus, who hates Murphy, to “take care of him” who then later slit his throat rather than take care of Murphy so, good job Clarke, your plan is shit - and knowing full well that she left him with Ontari, who is a rapist and a known mass murderer with a temper! Clarke knew he could have died and when he had literally been taking care of her, treating her respectfully and helping her grieve??? Y’all claim he’s the one who fucked up their “friendship” in season 6? no, she left him with a woman she knew could and probably would kill him with the thinnest veils of “protection” She also then doesn’t tell anyone he’s there and let’s be real, that moment seeing him in the tunnels is probably the first moment they know he’s alive (also after all of this shit, Murphy still pumps his rapist’s heart to save her life, Murphy my boy you’re too good) 

3. Left Bellamy to die 

NO YOU DON’T YOU LEFT HIM TO DIE 

She left Bellamy to die in that fighting pit; at that point, she knew how far Octavia was gone and that she may have actually killed Bellamy and after slapping him, which stop fucking romanticizing her hitting him, as she’s leaving him to die, Madi literally asks her about it and she said, “They made their choice.” implying that she doesn’t give a shit. 

But when Echo is mad and hostile in front of her, she backtracks and claims she always cared! Liar! She’s like this one White Feminist acquaintance I had back in grade 9 who claimed that she was bullied for her race a lot, our POC friend called her out and she said ‘no, it wasn’t for my race! Just my appearance!’ 

Clarke really is That One Bitch who can’t tell the truth no matter what, huh? 

2. Got Murphy hung 

You remember that time that Murphy was minding his own business, pissing on random guys and Clarke tried to kill him? Okay, I may have sort of oversimplified it. So, Murphy’s a dick; we all know that and some of us accept it and love him for/despite it more than others and Jason purposefully set these scenes back-to-back, Murphy doing something disgusting that only a teenage boy would do and having something horrifying happen to him, but why it happens to him? Oh right, Clarke Griffin! Clarke, without proof, ignores Bellamy’s pleas to wait a goddamn second, talk to Murphy on the side and discuss it like they rationally should, and instead waltzes up to Murphy and accuses him of murder in front of a group of 100 known criminals. They already don’t like Murphy, they have a reason to try to kill him now; she knew they would take it. There’s no way she couldn’t have. 

And I’m already ready for all of the protests on this one that say ‘she was full of rage’ or ‘she was grieving and not thinking clearly’ but, uh, she was thinking clearly when she saved Charlotte’s life or when she banished him - reminder that she was the one who made them banish Murphy, which would most likely lead to his death - or when she, just two episodes prior, told Wells to go kill himself by walking through acid fog. Oh, you know, #justbestiethingz 

No, Clarke fucking set that plan in motion and what did she do when they started hanging Murphy? What? Stand in place? Scream a little? Basically say ‘no’ like, three times? She doesn’t do jack shit; the only time she does something is after Finn comes up the hill (oh, isn’t that an ugly look for her? Him seeing his “Princess” hang a man? How much do you want to bet she lied her ass off to Finn about the details of how the hanging started?) and Charlotte admits what she did. And what did Clarke do to Charlotte? Protected her until the end. Weird fucking shit, Griffin. 

Clarke wasn’t mad or grieving. She was trying to get Murphy out of the way. 

1. Shock Collared Madi 

I... don't know how you look at this scene and don’t think it’s child abuse. She electrocutes her “kid” but I guess the only way you could look at it not being child abuse is if you don’t consider her Clarke’s kid which is true, she’s not Clarke’s child, thank god, but any other ways, it is still child abuse. If I see one (1) more person excuse it with “she was protecting Madi!1!” I'm gonna lose my shit. You don’t protect her by hurting her, Jesus Christ, Clarke is an abusive “mother” and yall are gross. 

Bonus: 

Told Wells to kill himself 

You remember that time in like, season 1, episode 2 or 3 where she told Wells “if you really loved me, you’d go out there” as they all sat in the little bunker thing as the acid fog rolled through and Finn was just awkwardly sipping his alcohol? Finn was a mood but hi, fuck Clarke for telling her “friend” to go kill themselves. 

Got Raven and Shaw tortured 

Whether y’all like it or not, she teamed up with McCreary, leading to Raven and Shaw to be tortured. AKA I feel no pity for her when Raven has been mad at her all season, Bitch had it coming. 

Chained up Emori and Murphy 

She chained them up and was willing to use them as rats to test her experiment. She only stopped because Murphy threatened to kill her and Clarke Griffin only cares about her own life, haven’t you heard? I’m so fucking tired guys 

Leaving Bellamy to actually bear it all

You remember when Mount Weather was just fresh? You remember when Jasper was drinking himself stupid as a coping mechanism? You remember when Clarke helped him - oh wait, she fucking didn’t! 

Actually, she fucking left them and went for a walk, for an adventure and left Bellamy to actually bear the guilt of Mount Weather. Fuck her ‘I bear it so they don’t have to’ bullshit, they all bear it but you like to pretend to be the savior! Bellamy even bears most of your fucking crime 

I’m too tired to have more, it’s 1:30am, this was mostly coherent and I hate her goodnight. 

[jchichibu]

Things that God told me.

Hi, this took me a little long to pen down. It’s not because I’m too busy or I’m procrastinating – but simply because I am someone who tends to rank priorities wrongly. Penning down my thoughts about my 7-month journey in SOT (School of Theology) was something I was tasked by Lester, but something I really wanted to do even before he asked for it. Take it as a reminder for me, and take it as a 17-minute read of my 7-month endeavour for anyone who is interested.

My name is Jasmine, better known as Chichibu or CCB (Titus 1:15 lol) and I am 24 this year (it’s still 2018 as of 6:43 PM 31 December 2018 as I pen this on my way home from Malacca on the coach :P). I graduated from City Harvest Church’s School of Theology Class of 2018, and the course began from 26 Feb and I graduated on 30 Sep. As quoted by one of my favourite persons in my life Claria, I am certainly the “last person ever you will think of going SOT”. True, SOT never once crossed my mind even being in church since I was 16 and every year they ask you to tell your neighbours “Join SOT!”, but I never wanted to, or never thought I needed to. Throughout my Christian walk, the OG and most tangible thing was the love of God. I was never the most holy, most spiritual, most caring, most enthusiastic person for Christ and I might feel somewhat stagnant in my walk (but I was contented honestly). I was becoming lukewarm. I forget to read the Bible, spurt vulgarities or flash finger signals I probably should never ever have, think or covet for things I should not and did things I’m not proud of. I sometimes would not want to show I am a Christian because I don’t want people to think badly of Christianity. I am just not a standard girl you would expect to want to go SOT.

However, a week before the closing of registration of SOT I had a push from God to join SOT. I went for a jog and I remembered clearly at the uphill of Toh Tuck Rise I made a decision to register for SOT. Yea, people who are not from my church will think I really sot, I just got lifted my burdens of having 4 private tutees out of my full time job, and now am I really doing this to myself? To burden myself with SOT, full time job and attempting have a social life? I was also motivated to have my routine of working out every morning and even had plans to sign up something with Ling Hui at the gym. SOT is a commitment and yes, I have to wake up at 7 AM everyday for SOT at 8.45 AM and end work generally when the sky is dark. Ok la obviously I just yolo-ed and ‘took a leap of faith’, said goodbye to chill 2018 and registered for SOT!!! Through it all I know that God will carry me through and nothing is too hard for Him. Though at that moment I really can’t believe I’m doing this to myself.

I am not going write about what SOT is about, but I am going to pen my revelations. I did keep a dated record of things that spoke to me throughout my journey and I hope some of these will relate to some of you and serve as a reminder for me as the year closes. Hopefully the (long) introduction above gave you some sort of context as to who I am, and now I begin: Things that God told me.

1.       It is not by my might that I am saved, or that God loves me. You can rely on Jesus to forgive you, but do not take it for granted. Cheap grace is not what we are looking for here. When God forgives, remember to learn something from it and avoid the mistake again.

2.       Since 16, I recalled every moment that I prayed for something, gets it eventually and forget that it was God. Countless times with my knees bent worshipping God in SOT, I was reminded of how smooth my life has been. I remember when I was 18, I was praying to get into a local university because my results were not fantastic. I was scared. But look, I got accepted into my first choices for the 3 local unis. I remember when I was 21, I got into exchange programme without even meeting the critieria of cGPA 3.5 (lol). I remember when I was 22, I was so anxious after my paper because I felt I would fail the paper and that means I will retain and not graduate with my peers (Ely do you remember us drinking Tiger at ahlian? Haha). Look, I scored a D or something in the end but I graduated as planned.

3.       I’ve disappointed God several times, I am in church but I feel like shit, you know. I have had bad days, where I feel freaking unworthy of God to love me and I want to run away. Having the revelation that God has not disappointed me a single time makes me more mindful how mighty He is, and how weak I am, and how much I needed to stop disappointing God. We cannot not sin, truth is, we all have. But we can make a decision everyday to rely on God. The authority to defeat Satan is in me. God loves me so much. So so so so sosoososososososoooooo much what is my next move?

The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?” “No one, Master.” “Neither do I,” said Jesus. “Go on your way. From now on, don’t sin.” (John 8:9-11)

4.       Learn to wait upon the Lord. Those who know me personally know I am a relatively fast paced person. I do not really like to wait or queue up for things and I speak super quickly.. I know Jeremiah 29:11 very well but I still plan things for myself anyway. Is this lack of faith/disbelief in God that I am experiencing? But I know God has a plan for me. You see, it gets very conflicting, for fear that my impatience will ‘spoil’ God’s good plans for me. As 2019 becomes less fast paced and I become older, may I calm my tits down and tarry in the Lord. It means to stay longer than expected and be patient in hope. Because for the record, God’s plans has always been good to me – when I see the big picture now for the uncertainties I felt in the past, everything makes sense. I need to truly believe that God will provide, God is truly the overseer of my life, God’s timing will come.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (Matthew 6:33)

5.       Be thankful to God and always be. If you are thankful, you will always find your way back to Jesus. Take thanksgiving to God more seriously, EVERYDAY. And I thank God that every night before I sleep I always have something to be thankful about up.

6.       Right values and right spirit translates to right actions. I’ve learnt to set boundaries for my value system, not everything is okay, even if my free-spirited soul tells me “aiya yolo” countless times. Spirit wise, I need to talk to God more consistently. The Holy Spirit is something I learnt to engage more in SOT, and I need to remember to communicate with it more (considering how slack I was in the past and it has yet become a habit). I am a reflection of my own routine.

7.       To not find ways to see how close I can go without stepping over the line. Instead, think how far I can be from that line. This was mentioned during one of Pastor Ed’s session, struck a chord in me since then. People like me, free-spirited, come-what-may kind of personality, running away from things I deem as fun (but not exactly morally upright) is hard. I crave excitement and adventure. I need to learn, not everything that makes me happy is beneficial for me. I am responsible for my own freedom. Deliberate habitual sinning makes us okay to cross this line and it’s scary. I forget that it is actually not pleasing to God, I forget that it will hurt me, because I’ve gotten used to it, I’ve gotten immune to it. I do not feel bad anymore. And that itself, is toxic.

8.       Repentance, I need to repent from things in my life. Inward change + outward action = repentance. I feel constantly that I’m doing both half-heartedly. It’s hard to truly 100% repent if I continue this way. Deal with the heart problem.

9.       Life is worth living for the Lord. Quit thinking that life without acknowledging is my Saviour is better. I used to have thoughts that life would be better without being a Christian – I don’t have to feel shitty about having done something bad, I can sleep till super late on a Sunday, look my friends who are unchurched are living alright too… I envy them sometimes. Then I realised I need to be secured in my identity in Christ. I am a child of God, and knowing Jesus should be one of the best decisions of my life. Yes, people who do not know God can lead a good life too. But I should not think that knowing God has compromised my happiness and freedom in life. God gave us free-will and there is freedom in Him. Quitting Jesus will likely mean I am not returning.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love. (Galatians 5:13)

10.   If we think closely about most of the things in our lives, there must be an exchange. I gave the auntie my 3 dollars in exchange for a plate of chicken rice this afternoon. The handicapped uncle busked in the streets in hope that someone could give him some money in exchange for his time. Jesus died in exchange for the forgiveness of our sins. I cannot keep taking for granted that I will go to heaven if I keep doing things not according to the will of God; I need to exchange something. Is it my lack of discipline, is it a person, is it a hobby? Surrender.

11.   My life should not be a paradox. Make my words precious. From my heart, motives and mind, I need to understand why things cannot be done. Does my verbal profession translate to moral obedience?  My life is the most powerful message for people. No one has seen Jesus but they have seen me. Live my life for Christ. Be mindful of what I speak about, don’t say or do things I don’t mean. Treat people genuinely. I should learn to not just receive God’s love, learn to give God some love too by loving His people. He deserves it. When people say my name, what do they say about?

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don’t act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action. (James 1:22-25)

12.   I can live at my own level of faith. I always categorise my friends as upz and never felt equivalent to them. You see, I don’t speak or edify people so much, I don’t lead people, I speak whatever comes my mind (#uncensored) and I am not a standard example of a holy person. Then I talked to some people I deemed as upz and I realised we are all human beings with real temptations and fears; whatever I face they face too, just differently but we have inadequencies. Maybe I’m just more vocal about these things, but everyone’s fighting their own battles even if they looked perfect on the exterior. I learnt that God did not create robots, but created us in His image… and we can be comfortable with who we are. I do not need to be whoever for God to love me more, God is happy with who I am, as long as I live my life with integrity, offline and online, real life or secret life. I can just stay rooted in Him based on my own pace. God isn’t impressed by human strength. If I want real and divine strength and power, first I have to be weak by the standards of this world. When I’m weak by the standards by the world, then I can get the grace to become strong in God. I need God.

For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of  himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)

13.   Leadership is not about title, leadership is about influence. Note to self about my life as a teacher or colleague or friend. I want to influence positively, I want to be someone who honours my word, that what I believe in is in sync with how I act out and live out.

14.   God does not waste every experience I face in my life. No one knows the full shit I’ve experienced, the real training that I’ve been through but when the situation calls for it, I can be useful to people around me. Don’t come out of experiences empty-handed, instead bring treasures of darkness.

15.   Read the Bible more, spend time with the Holy Spirit more, pray more. I was forced (ok, at the last feel moments of SOT I was truly forced due to time constraints) to complete the Bible and I realised how much wisdom the Bible has and how little I’ve read it through my years. Contradicting isn’t it? I fail to read the sole thing that was given to me to know God better. As I said earlier, my relationship with God is based on experience – experiencing His love. What if one day I stopped experiencing God’s love during sessions, will I still follow Jesus? The word is indeed important, in times of need I can become a blessing. I beat myself up for the fact that I lost time in my years as a Christian not reading the Bible as much as I should have, but may 2019 be a year where I find time on my own to look deeper into His word and know His word.

Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching. (II Timothy 4:2 NKJV)

Pray until inadequacy leaves me. Pray until my prayer is answered. Pray until my burden is lifted. Be close to the Holy Spirit and ensure that when God knocks at my door, I am available and present to answer it. My thought pattern is developed through years and I need to undo this thought pattern by the Holy Spirit, prayers and word of God.

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. (Matthew 6:6)

16.   Make decisions when you are not emotionally unstable. Decisions is rooted in your character. Learn to stop acting on impulse. Learn to say no at times. Align my decisions with the will of God.

17.    Whatever I focus on grows. Become wiser this year about the people, the finances, the health, the things i spend my time on...

Get wisdom—it’s worth more than money; choose insight over income every time. (Proverbs 16:16)

18.   God loves me so much… through SOT, I am certain of the love of God. Now remember this and know that nothing I do or not do can make God love me lesser or more.

19.   I can decide what comes into my heart. Let what is worth it come into your heart.

Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts. (Proverbs 4:23 – 27)

20.   Be secure in myself, no need to strive to prove myself. If I’m good people can see.

21.   If God speaks, will I be willing to listen?

Sooooo, is SOT necessary? To be honest, no. I was so tired at that time, thankful that my dad was able to send me to work straight after SOT at 1 PM. I had no time for myself at all, there was something to do that I cannot cancel everyday. SOT was more of a routine that I learnt to follow, a controlled environment for me to know God more. I had to praise and worship every morning, pray with my peers, read the Bible, complete assignments to graduate. It gave my life some sort of order because everyday I am put in an atmosphere that allows me to meet God. However life after SOT is what really mattered the most. Certainly I got distracted and travelling a lot during my holiday did not help. However, the experiences and revelations in SOT, those are things that cannot be taken away from me... that I just need to regularly be reinforced in my head and heart. My biggest takeaway for me is that nothing will make me leave God and nothing will make God leave me. 

May life after this see me becoming more matured, where I have self-realisation as to what is good and bad for me, having a mature love for God that knows no fear because I’m fully convinced that God loves me sooooo super much. Live life with integrity!

This is by no means a 2019 New Year Resolution post because I don’t want that shit anymore (typing this on 31 Dec simply ‘cuz yo girl kept forgetting to do it since 30 Sep after graduation). I’m sure I am bound to make mistakes and bound to screw up and get lost again in my life time but I just want to live my life to my best. Life never really turn out the way it is planned  – some parts better than you planned, some parts worse than you planned. A general word for 2019 though, Gr. Apokaradokia: To wait with expectation with head raised and eyes fixed over the horizon  –

+ Apo: Means to turn away with concentration. Ignoring other interests.

+ Kara: Means head.

+ Dokia: Means to stretch forward.

Two of my favourite verses throughout my SOT times and have a blessed year ahead.

But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. (Micah 6:8 MSG)

God , your God, has blessed you in everything you have done. He has guarded you in your travels through this immense wilderness. For forty years now, God , your God, has been right here with you. You haven’t lacked one thing. (Deuteronomy 2:7 MSG)