#i just feel like my goals are so unachievable because i can’t commit to anything

[motheyes]

feeling so worn and small and like i can’t handle all this shit. i feel like it’s just always so much it’s so heartbreaking just getting beat down over and over

[musical-chick-13]

And Theon bc I love him

WHAT A COINCIDENCE I LOVE HIM TOO (this answer is gonna be a combination of books and show)

Send me a character and I’ll tell you the following:

• Did they live up to their potential? / In what ways was their potential unachieved?

-I would say yes. The only negative I have about his general arc is his death (which, see below). But Theon from the very beginning was, though not a particularly nice person, still relatable. Feeling othered, wanting to be accepted by an immediate environment that doesn’t accept you, isolated from and ostracized by your family, and the tension that comes between serving the different types of familial relationships in your life. Theon has no idea who he is, tossed aside by his blood family for not growing up with them and being “soft,” aka sort-of moral and having emotions that aren’t selfish rage or smugness (which, yep, that second part is a mood, see: my entire childhood and how no one wanted to be around an “emotional” “soft” child). And from there, he spirals out of control in a way that, while certainly not admirable by any stretch of the imagination, is still understandable in the context of the narrative and his characterization. And from there, after going through hell and quite literally losing himself (even to the point of straight-up denying rescue), he builds himself back up gradually, to the point where he expressed extreme regret for what he’s done, helps an innocent woman escape a truly horrifying situation, acknowledges that his family is generally garbage, and (in-show b/c again books aren’t finished), helping to restore his sister to power, rescuing her after his PTSD relapses while confronting Euron, and ultimately opting to protect the Starks come hell or high water in order to genuinely atone for what he’s done. He is no longer conflicted because he wants to do the right thing, and that right thing is defending the kingdom from the White Walkers and making sure Sansa and Bran are safe. And it’s no longer about fulfilling a duty or finding a family to fill the void. Because now he has found himself. I will contend that Theon has one of the best, most nuanced, most organic redemption arcs of all time. I will forever be grateful that I got to see that piece of storytelling unfold.

Although, I would love to know what he thought of Dany. A missed opportunity, that.

• How they negatively and positively affected the story.

-Positive: His arc of identity and finding where your loyalties lie ties into the overall theme of “How do you find yourself in a world where goodness, authenticity, and honesty are often punished and increasingly rare?” And it proves that governmental politics aren’t the only defining factors in decisions: familial politics can be just as difficult and dangerous, which adds yet another rich, complicated layer to the overall story. He has a genuine, honest-to-Drowned-God redemption arc, which is...not really present anywhere else in the story (no, Jaime is not on a Redemption Quest, I will die on this hill). But I think the biggest draw of Theon’s presence is that it deconstructs the whole “Character Revenge Fantasy” idea. He does bad things. We want him to be punished. But not like that. No one deserves that. How far is too far? What does retribution really look like? Given how easily that idea can be abused and go off the rails, is retribution even something to strive for? What is the point of using extreme violence/torture/mutilation/breaking someone’s psyche when it doesn’t really accomplish anything? Isn’t atonement and genuine justice a better option? It certainly was for Theon. He could only piece himself back together and do anything meaningful once he was out of his abusive environment. All of these are imporant questions that are posed by his existence in the narrative.

-Negative: Idk if I have much to say here. My biggest problem is his death (see below), but that’s not really a negative story effect so much as...being disappointing and narratively irrelevant. I gotta say, his introduction via his sister was...really weird. I genuinely have no idea why GRRM wrote that. It never came up again or had any kind of narrative ramifications and kind of cast a strange, uncomfortable light on his relationship with Asha/Yara for the remainder of the story. I can ignore and enjoy their later relationship it if I don’t think about it too hard, though, so I guess I’ll chalk it up to GRRM having a Bad Idea.

• What my favorite arc for them is.

-All of it?? Theon’s journey is kind of...one big arc, which is why I think it works so well. He has this overarching redemption plot which spans the entire series and informs every decision he makes (for good or for bad, depending on where in the aforementioned journey he is). The redemption arc isn’t bogged down with side plots or other pieces of narrative clutter, meaning it has time to grow and, thus, be gradual and realistic. If I had to choose a specific point, it’s probably when he tries to reintegrate back into society via supporting Yara. Gaining the Iron Islands’ support for her ruling, spiriting away with Euron’s fleet, and ultimately rescuing his sister after her capture. He can’t just go back into society. He’s scared. He has really bad PTSD. But he recognizes that putting his home in good hands is something bigger than just him because it’s Yara’s home, too. I just...I really love family relationships, y’all.

• What I think of their ending.

-I’m not really sure how I feel about this one. I get that the series is GrimDark™ and that people who make the right choice and fight for good die all the time, but Theon dying just felt...wrong. To me.

And, like...I get it. It makes sense to parallel his original descent into villainy (cemented by executing those two boys and pretending they were Bran and Rickon) with him dying to protect Bran himself. It ties into the whole very common trope of completing a full redemption arc by committing a completely selfless act at great personal cost. It’s kind of like the whole Missy thing in Doctor Who (which...hoo boy, that post is coming, make no mistake), where selfishness is directly opposed by making the ultimate sacrifice with no motivation for personal gain. And the fact that the last words he ever heard were “You’re a good man?” I cannot even begin to describe how much that makes me sob. But...honestly, I’m really tired of this idea that redemption has to end in death in order to be achieved or “complete.” I think it’s much more poignant to have a redeemed character live to help build a better world. Because what’s the point of telling people to be better if the “reward” is death? No one’s going to want to reform themselves if they think that’ll be the result.

I think the thing that Bugs Me™ the most is that Theon never really got to have a moment of peace when he was alive. Sansa gained the North’s love and at least had a secure childhood. Ned and Cat were happily married for years. Arya had parents who loved her and a good relationship with Jon. Jon fell in love with Ygritte and found his Night Watch Bros, and Robb (in show verse) had some very happy moments with Talisa. Davos put great stock in what he considered fulfilling friendships with Stannis and Shireen; Brienne was treated respectfully by Renly, Catelyn, and Sansa; Missandei and Grey Worm had each other and their friendship with Dany, who herself had many personal successes in her quest for the Iron Throne and saw the death of her abusive brother. Cersei even had moments with Jaime (who himself had several notable military victories and at least some time with Myrcella, as well as being gladly and deeply in love, however dysfunctional that love was), times when she successfully fought off enemies (including her dad), and some sweet moments with Tommen, as well as a huge victory via blown-up sept at the end of season 6. Theon was treated as a second-class family member by the Starks his whole life by being “traded” to them as a condition of war resolution AS A BABY, is immediately disparaged and mistreated by his immediate family when he tries to return to them, makes terrible decisions that almost cost him his conscience completely, is brutally tortured by Ramsay, is on the run with his sister from Euron almost immediately after, and has a PTSD attack that ultimatly results in him having to launch a rescue mission. And then he fights ice zombies. And then he dies. He never really...got to be happy at all? There was never any kind of “win” for him. Not even survival. The narrative couldn’t even give him that.

TLDR: Theon’s death seemed less shock-value-y than others (like, for example, Shireen or Missandei or, heck, Melisandre even), and it isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s narratively-informed and it makes sense as an emotional through-line, but, ultimately, Redemption Cemented By Selfless Death is a tired trope, and I honestly thought this story (which...you know...serves as a deconstruction of common fantasy tropes/book tropes in general) was better than that.

• When I wish they had died. / If I think they should’ve died.

-So here’s where we get personal™ kids.

So, it’s no secret that I am...severely mentally ill. I’ve talked about expression/presentation of mental illness in regard to Cersei a lot on this blog, and how that (as paradoxical as it may seem) helped bring a sense of comfort and emotional resonance to me. Theon, post-Ramsay, has, I think, a very clear case of PTSD. Theon is one of the few characters I’ve seen where his mental illness isn’t the cause of the bad, violent, dangerous choices he makes. It only takes root after he has made the decision and conscious effort to better himself, and it, rather than demonizing him, serve to humanize him. His trauma didn’t define him. And although a PTSD attack led to him unintentionally losing Yara to Euron’s capture, he makes every effort to rescue her, a goal he does end up achieving. It is so rare I get to see a character who goes through these things, successfully fight them and come out with positive qualities at the end. Like...switching topics a bit here, Jaime going back to King’s Landing to (try to) escape and ultimately die with Cersei made sense to me because, as Jaime says, he is a hateful man. He never made much of an honest effort to be anything else. And he never truly wanted to be good; he just wanted to be liked. He wanted to adopt some personality that would make him feel less disconnected from the rest of the world. But Theon...genuinely feels remorse for everything he’s done. He makes a concerted effort to do everything in his power to improve the lives of people he believes are good and deserve to be safe. So, just...killing him off in a Completely Selfless Sacrifice (like...you know how a lot of mentally ill people put themselves through suffering-like OCD rituals, bottling feelings, self-harm, even suicide-in a misplaced attempt to “help” or “protect other people”) seemed antithetical to everything we saw of his arc.

Ultimately, with such a humanizing, empathetic portrayal of trauma and mental health struggles, seeing Theon be killed off just...pissed me off. I am so tired of seeing mentally ill characters die. I really want to believe that I can live through and thrive in spite of the things that afflict me, and I get example after example of characters not being allowed to do that. It feels awful, quite frankly. And it makes hope that much harder. 

I also just feel like...there was nothing the story gained from his death? I get the thematic parallels as mentioned earlier, but it didn’t really move the story forward in any significant way. It didn’t motivate other characters to do anything, it had no political ramifications, it didn’t serve to contribute to any kind of happy ending or commentary on society, it just...was sad. Again, I thought this story was better than that.

[prettywordsyouleft]

Take A Break

Pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

Genre: uh, not sure what to label it as to be honest. Just a lot of realisation and feelings in this piece.

A/N: I wrote this before going on hiatus when at the peak of my stress and concerns and realised it was another healing session. I wasn’t going to share it originally but I know I’m not the only workaholic/ easily stressed/ takes on all the responsibility type of person so I wondered if this would be a helpful piece for others struggling with balance in life too. Self-care is so vital! 

Also, I’m still on my hiatus but after feeling a little lost with myself, I reread this tonight and felt the need to share this with you all.

Word count: 1150

“Should I just stop writing?”

You turned to look up at Jinyoung, your blurred focus searching for clarity. As you blinked rapidly to clear away the veil of tears that prevented you from seeing his eyes properly, he moved towards you, taking you in his arms. His comfort welcomed, needed.

“Could you?” he wondered, voice soft despite his worry. He was trying for your sake to remain strong, even if you were talking about the biggest part that breathed new life into you. “Could you let it all go?”

“I could,” you said, though your tone wavered, admitting to the truth. You couldn’t and that’s why you felt so stuck. The emotions started to fall again, soaked up by his broad shoulders. You gripped onto him tighter, insisting that you remained nestled against him as the waves crashed into you. With Jinyoung holding you, you felt certain that you wouldn’t be swept away by the anxiety that currently grappled at your chest, restricting your ability to breathe. He had you anchored.

“I don’t want you to give up if it means something to you,” he announced, running a hand slowly up and down your back. “And I know it does, Y/N.”

You nodded, feeble, weak. The emotions had run their course, depleting you of your energy. You felt foolish as you slumped in his embrace, relying on him to hold you up now. It stemmed from months of half-hearted deliberation and avoidance. The stress had built on top of that, convincing you that the one thing you held dear, the passion you had nurtured for years was something that was causing a great burden in your life. Responsibilities weighed down on you whenever you relished in your fictional creations and beckoned you to come to them when you were exhausted. You hadn’t slept a proper night’s sleep in months. You wondered why it was so hard to find balance in your life these days.

“You’re not looking out for yourself enough,” Jinyoung stated, knowing you so well now that you didn’t even second guess his ability to know how you thought. Jinyoung was the only constant in your world that you didn’t feel was difficult to balance in between work, leisure and life. He was able to fit into your world at any part of the day or night, because he was your world.

“Do I even have time to?” you wondered, a hollow laugh accompanying the sentence. You didn’t know where time was disappearing to. Even with cutting back on your writing, it hadn’t suddenly given you the luxury of hours up your sleeve. You lived in a blur of events, expectations, worries. There was no end. You looked up at him, wondering if Jinyoung could lend you some of his time each day. Would you even use it well though?

“I would give you all the hours I could, you know I would. But it still won’t help you. You don’t prioritise yourself enough. You’ll just spend those hours doing more things for everyone else but yourself.”

“How do I stop doing that though? It’s expected of me now. People rely on me.”

Jinyoung shook his head, rearranging you in his arms, shushing you gently. “People take from you. Y/N, you need to remember that what you want to do is important too. Your goals matter. Stop sweeping them aside to please others. You have to live for you first, okay?”

“For me?” you repeated, genuinely unsure of what you wanted any more. It had been so long since you last looked deep within yourself to ask the question. Did you have goals? Dreams? Where had you stored them to make room for what everyone else wanted you to do? Every goal you had made at the start of the year had been met with excuses. Poor health, not enough time, putting other’s needs above yours, they all felt unachievable. You were able to laugh and smile every day. Yet your soul was crying.

You were exhausted.

“You know what I’m going to say to you, right?” Jinyoung continued, pulling you back to arm’s length, a smile gracing his face. You smiled in return, even if you felt the build of your breath coming, the sigh you soon released making him chuckle. He gently brushed the hair away from your face before cupping your chin in his hand. Forcing you to look up into his eyes, to stop avoiding the words that had fallen from his lips so often lately. You could almost hear them before they were spoken, the relay of the same sentence over and over repeating in your head. Jinyoung gave you a warm yet firm look. “You need to take a break.”

“Everything will be piled up for me when I return though.”

“So, you can’t address it right now, you have nothing more of yourself to give. If you keep this up, you won’t have a passion to return to. You’ll bury it down, thinking you don’t have the right to enjoy it anymore. Just like you did in the past.”

“I’ll manage.”

Jinyoung quirked an eyebrow at you. “Is this what you call managing? I just arrived to see you sobbing about giving up something that makes you almost as happy as I do.”

“Happier,” you corrected and Jinyoung drew you back towards his chest, squeezing you gently within his arms.

“Someone’s starting to calm down,” he teased, kissing the top of your head. “Please stop putting yourself last, hm? The world isn’t going to fall apart if you take a couple of weeks out for yourself.”

“Are you sure about that? Last time I took time for-”

“You lasted three days and threw a fit because no one did anything, I know. How will they if you pick up the slack time and time again? Rest means you commit to it longer than three days.”

“You know, my friends have been telling me this too,” you admitted quietly and Jinyoung nodded.

“I’m not surprised. They don’t like seeing you this stressed out either. Though, you know what? It’s me who is making you finally listen, right?”

“Well,” you started and the look Jinyoung gave you halted your sentence. Reaching up to kiss him gently, you relaxed completely. “Okay, so maybe it is a bit more of your influence than theirs right now.”

“That’s what I thought,” he replied, a soft chuckle accompanying the smug expression now residing in his eyes. Jinyoung then picked you up, directing his attention towards the bedroom. “As for that rest… it’s starting right now.”

“You’re going to leave me to it?”

“Oh no,” he answered, shaking his head once. “I’m going to join you too.”

“Then, how will anything get done?” you asked, your voice heightening, worry infiltrating the calm that has seeped into you.

“The point is that it won’t until it’s ready to be.”

_________________

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[tomesofmagic]

How I beat procrastination and stay organised throughout the semester

«procrastination is the... thief of time/enemy of success/assassin of opportunity/art of keeping up with yesterday»

This is my last semester ever at uni and it’s the most stressed I’ve ever been. Writing my dissertation on top of all the other projects I’ve had to work on (as well as life problems) has been a real struggle. However, I’ve found a system that has helped me to stay productive and basically get shit done. Not gonna lie, I still struggle and there are days I feel like crying just thinking about all the things that need to be done but most of these tips I’ll share with you today have been very helpful to stay focused and not go entirely mad.

1. Set clear and specific goals. “Today I will write four paragraphs” or “I’ll read and annotate the first two chapters of the book”. Challenge yourself a little but keep it realistic. Setting unachievable goals is setting yourself up for failure.

2. Identify your reason for procrastinating. Procrastination can be very detrimental to one’s success yet most of us still struggle with it somewhat regularly. Whether it’s because we’re scared of failure, because we’re perfectionists and feel the need to control everything, because we find it hard to work during a specific time period or any other reason. However, I think identifying what’s making you procrastinate is the perfect start to beat it. Fear of failure is hard to overcome but the hardest part is to start. If you have a project that you’re dreading, just try starting small. Maybe write the structure, or the title (hell, even just your name). Try to make that look nice if it pleases you. For example, I find extremely helpful focusing on the font/style, etc. at the beginning, yes most professors will tell you to leave that for last but honestly, fuck it, you do you, boo. If you’re a perfectionist and fear that your work will not be good enough, just try to think that not writing anything is already worse than whatever it is you could write if you actually sat down and typed away. It’s the same process with whatever reason you may find for your procrastination, find the source and try starting small.

That being said, please please do not feel bad if you do procrastinate here and there, maybe it’s just that you’re exhausted and need a real break from your studying/working life, relax and eventually get back to work, even if it’s the next day, it’s okay.

3. Give yourself 2 minutes. Like I've said, starting is the worst part. So, just give yourself a short period of time to work on your project or to study. If after that you feel like you can go on working then do it!! More often than not you'll feel like you've found your groove and you're already in the mood to keep working/studying! If you don't feel like it though, maybe have a rest and try again at another time, or just challenge yourself to keep on going.

4. Block out distractions and stay off social media. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Put your phone away (or in a different room if it’s that much of a distraction to you), use apps or extensions that block distraction websites. I know we all love to scroll through our twitter timeline and our instagram feeds (or watch people’s stories), but all of those suck up a lot of our time. Time we could use to get shit done. Work first and go on social media during your study breaks.

5. Figure out what takes up most of your time. If you know how much time you spend doing things, it’ll be easier to cut time where and when needed. It’ll be also helpful if you’re trying to set up a daily routine, that way you can assign a specific time frame to a certain task.

6. Find out when you’re most productive. Sort of related to the previous one. Many people work best in the mornings, I, for instance, happen to fall in this group. When I’m not at uni I wake up at 8am and work from 9am to 1pm/2pm; that’s five hours where I am extremely productive if I set my mind to it. Other people work better in the afternoon or at night, that’s completely fine too. Figure out what’s best for you and plan your day/week from there.

7. Have a clean environment. They say “clear desk, clear mind” for a reason. Working on a clean desk with few distractions is so beneficial. Also having a clean room is very good for your mental health as well. Believe me, I know that can be hard if you suffer from depression or other mental health problems but if you can find a bit of strength to clean and declutter a little bit, it will make you feel better and therefore you’ll be more willing to work.

8. Make to-do lists. I promise I’m not only writing this one because I love lists. Writing down what you want to do, as well as other commitments, means that you won’t forget what you have to do and also, again, you will have a clearer mind. Just thinking about all the things you have to do can be extremely exhausting and can suck up all your energy so noting everything down will help you avoid that.

9. Work with time limits. I’ve found that breaking things down is the most efficient way to work (for me at least). By working in small blocks of time, I’ve been able to increase my productivity and stay focused. I use the popular Pomodoro technique most of the time: you work for 25 min then take a 5 min break and you repeat this four times, then when it’s time for your fourth pause you can increase your time-break to 30 min. The time intervals are just suggestions though; obviously, you can set whatever works for you. For instance, I don’t follow the 25-5 “rule”. I use a 40-10 interval and then for the long break, I set it up for 25 minutes. This is what works best for my attention span so again, try different intervals until you find your ideal ratio.

10. Do not forget self-care/me-time. Please please don’t work yourself to exhaustion, try to avoid burnout. It’s important to keep in mind that we all need time for ourselves and we can’t be productive 24/7, that’s a sick mentality imo. Some may say this contradicts the whole point of this post but I do not think so. Of course, being productive is important when you have deadlines but your mental health should come first. Know when it’s time to stop and gain your energy back. Don’t blame yourself for having a Netflix binge session or for spending hours reading a book, it’s okay, you deserve it.

Let me know what things you do to stay productive!

[littlewolfdiaries]

How do you feel about Sodapop? Like do you like or dislike ? Douche or sweetheart? What do ya think

I do like him. I like all of the characters because even though some of them are bad, douche-y, etc. there's reasoning behind it. Darry hit Ponyboy but we forgave him, you know? But I have to admit that Soda is towards the bottom of my list. There's no particular objective reasonings for this other than my own opinion. I love him as a character like literally fuck me mercilessly in my bed tonight daddy but he's just not favorite. Douche ? There's nothing to support that he is and he's described to be this little angelic boy; but you have to remember that the book is supposedly written by his younger brother. In my experience, gorgeous and popular guys tend to be douche-y *fuckboys*. Let's be real. I mean, he also dropped out of school and works at a gas station where girls openly drool over him. I 100% agree that Sodapop had to have been somewhat a fuckboy, but that's not entirely why I don't like him. Personally, I like characters that I can take apart and kind of play with in my mind but you can't really do that with Soda. I know that he must have a darker side to him having lost his parents and had his girlfriend get pregnant with another dude's kid (then apparently get drafted), but after you toss around that depressive side there's nothing left. With Socs, they're vain and like Cherry described in the book, they do what they do to be popular and preppy. They're chasing some unachievable social goal. Only, Soda doesn't really have that motivation so it's not very interesting me--- he's just an attractive, mindless popular boy with a hidden sadder side to him. In addition, this final reason is entirely personal (though as were the others to a certain degree), I don't like guys like Soda. I'm straight, man. I'm a writer for a book/movie that's literally based on eleven dudes. Come on now. Soda's just too confident and pretty for me, I've seen it a million times only in real life, I like the darker kind of boys. The ones that only exist in books and online. Everyone just flips out so much over him in the fandom and just in general when they first see the movie. If I have twenty simple, gorgeous fuckboys on my Snapchat, why obsess over Soda (ok that was kind of far but you get me)?? He's kind of realistic and flat, static. These are the main reasons I'm not crazy over him. I mean, I'd love to be in a relationship with the boy but I don't think he could commit for very long. You might think he's deeply interested in all of the girls he kisses, but Sandy--- his beautiful doll-like girlfriend--- was pregnant by another guy at roughly 16? That kind of says enough about his taste. Of course he didn't know this at the time but you're fooling yourself is you think they didn't ever do anything together.