#i just feel like ive been stripped of my personality im like a husk rn

[messaffect]

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[existential-d1scomfort]

Things that other people have i envy

Basically every good thing my ex has in her life, but most of all i envy the fact she has such a wonderful boyfriend who is superior to me in every way imaginable. She is loved and supported and i am alone.

I envy people's inspiration. My own has been stunted for a long time and i feel like i'll never create anything again and its crushing me.

I envy people's joy and passion they have towards their favorite things. I can't feel even remotely feel excited about things i remember i used to love, and new experiences produce no emotional reaction in me.

Relating to two above points, its crushing me to see my closest friends me be inspired to create and show passion towards things they like while im having a hard time even cracking a smile that truly feels genuine.

I envy people's ability to feel s/exual pleasure. I have always been a very s/exual person and having that aspect shut down within me is like ive become a walking husk. I remember that even in the roughest spots in my life, i at least had s/exual pleasure to distract me and bring me comfort. Now it is gone and i have never felt more alone or more bored. Most of the things ive enjoyed relate to my s/exuality and s/exual pleasure in some way, so having that part of me stripped away leaves next to nothing to feel excited about. I cannot fantasize, i cannot write s/exy things, other people dont a/rouse me, my k/inks dont a/rouse me, touching myself feels boring and even painful.

Relating to above, what's most crushing to me is that when i do feel even a little bit h/orny, that pleasure fades really quickly if i try to take it further with fantasies, by looking at p/*rn or by m/asturb/ating. Ive started avoiding anything remotely s/exual bc those things just make me remember the fact i cannot feel my favorite kind of pleasure.

I somehow ended up having s/ex with a good friend and even though it was superficially fun, i felt very, very empty bc she was obviously very into it but i felt like my head and body were two separate entities. My head wanted to feel pleasure but my body wouldnt respond and then my head got frustrated and i got sad.

I put slashes in risky words so tungle doesnt hide this post.