#i just feel like im a failure if i don't get it right first try

[arcadequeerz]

Today sucked.

[mikajunie]

how to deal with failure when all you know how to do is beat up yourself (as an adhder)

please read this if you are a chronic self-loather like myself.

i used to hate myself for everything i did; the way i talk and walk, my accomplishments, my daily activities, how i cannot keep up with my peers, all that jazz. and especially as a late-diagnosed adhder this gets worse overtime. i ended up getting into a 6-month burnout, failed 3 classes and have to extend one semester, and i had lost my identity as a person.

overall i was just a breathing, walking flesh with depressive thoughts every day.

but after many many months of rediscovering myself, i have come up with the conclusion that life gets easier when i don't fucking hate myself.

shocker, right? ik this is probably like a 'obviously' type of thing, but i think many ppl with adhd can confirm that this is one of the hardest pills to swallow.

but trust me, you don't need to feel bad!!! and i will tell you how to do it down below. pls read, i hope it helps.

(keep in mind im not a psychiatrist or a therapist btw i just wanna help fellow ppl with adhd)

reminder #1: adhd makes you more prone to making mistakes - beating yourself up for every failure is torture.

as people with adhd, we are more prone to making more mistakes and questionable decisions. we are just built that way. we can work on it, but that's our baseline.

self loathing encourages you to beat up your baseline. your default state. your non-productive mode.

beating yourself up for making a mistake is literally like beating up a cat for sleeping. humans are bound to make mistakes, and us with adhd are bound to make more. it's fine, let yourself breathe. im not saying we cannot do anything right or that our mistakes are permissible, but missing an alarm clock or forgetting things we want to say are not surprising. it's just embedded inside us, so either be miserable for the rest of your life or work on reframing your thoughts on failure in general.

reminder #2: you can learn how to be better even if you don't beat yourself up for it

these neurotypical adults who tell you that you should feel bad about failing are stupid. and whoever tell you that negative reinforcement is needed for you to get better are the dumbest motherfuckers ever.

you don't need to feel bad to ge better.

in fact, once you don't feel too bad about it, you can focus more on how to do better in the future instead of replaying the past over and over again.

literally after almost failing college, i only realized that i should not be hard on myself. literally. i remember deciding i should try being nice on myself and now boom! i feel better AND i actually have been working towards fixing my life more and more.

and you know whats the best part?? i can finally start enjoying my life again!!

reminder #3: not everything you do is a failure. seriously.

this is a thought pattern i keep seeing in every person with adhd.

"nothing i can do is right" WRONG!!!! you do some things wrong but you also do some things right!!!! quit discrediting yourself

now try acknowledging your failures:

cry about it first. let yourself sit in and feel your feelings first. you can continue after you finish crying about it

do some form of meditation that helps you clear out your mind. i suggest just 5 minutes or until you don't feel as heavy anymore

let yourself know that failing is an action and consequence, not a part of your identity. it is not you: you are someone who succeeds and fails sometimes. you can fail, but that does not mean everything you do will be a failure.

identify what kind of failure you're thinking about , why you feel so shitty about it, and what you should do for next time. it'd be good if you could write this down. here is an example from me:

failure: failing out of class

what happened: i failed bc i kept procrastinating and ended up sleeping in, so i could not submit on time

consequences of event: i had to retake the class, paid a significant amount of money, and now i cant graduate on time with my friends

why i feel shitty: i feel so left behind and stupid. i feel like this is such a stupid mistake that was easily avoidable.

and now i have so many thoughts in my mind right now, like "how can i be so stupid? how can i be so careless? this is such a stupid mistake."

now notice. if you also think like this, you are actively judging yourself. you are being so mean to yourself, and for what? would you ever told your friends they are so stupid and dumb for making careless mistakes? even if it's stupid, you wouldn't say it to their faces.

after identifying everything, confirm what actually happened, reframe your thoughts, and apologize to yourself:

"How can I be so careless?" -> It's not intentional, and I did try my best to work on it. It's not my fault my executive dysfunction took over the better part of me.

"How can I be so stupid?" -> Just because I cannot initiate tasks as well as the others, it doesn't mean i'm stupid. i am pretty good at other things, i cannot expect myself to be good at everything.

"This is such a stupid mistake." -> It is stupid, and that's... okay. It's fine. I accept it, I'll work on how to make it better in the future.

when you combat negative thoughts, make sure you combat them not only with facts but also with empathy and future action-focused thoughts.

the key is to focus on what you can do now, not what you should have done.

because focusing on the past is very very unhelpful.

now please focus on what you can do now:

Make small goals for the future.

What you should not say:

"I promise I will try harder to focus" -> Nope, you are relying on your ADHD symptom to not be ADHD anymore... which is impossible.

"I promise I won't forget next time" -> Same thing.

"I promise I will make a routine that I will stick to" -> This is too idealist, don't commit to anything for a long run, it's just setting yourself up for more failure.

What you should say instead:

"Next time, I will try to write it down so I won't forget next time" -> Tell yourself the clear steps on what you need to do. You cannot rely on your brain to just be better, come up with actions that can support you!

"Next time, I will set more alarms and ask a friend to remind me. In fact, I will do it now" -> Commit to things you can do immediately! The faster, the better so you won't lose this momentum. Stop thinking that your future self is 100% reliable. Always assume you need to do it as soon as possible to help yourself in the future.

"Next time, I will try out this routine and see if it works or not" -> Experiment with routines. Routines don't last long, so don't give youreelf empty promises. Instead, accept that your routine will chance every once in a while so you need to learn what works or not.

Apologize and forgive yourself

Say sorry to yourself.

It's normal to make mistakes, and it's unrealistic to think you won't make more.

Move on

Seriously. Don't sit on it too much.

Once you know what you need to do to not fail in the future and you have written it down... just let it go.

You don't need to feel bad to grow. You don't need to feel bad to be better.

You are allowed to feel good about yourself.

In fact, you should feel better about yourself now because you are showing your commitment to getting better by reading this long ass post.

Pat yourself in the back.

Failure has its consequences already, you don't need to punish yourself more. Please get something nice.

Failing is EXHAUSTING. Please give yourself a snack or some gaming time.

Allow yourself to breathe.

We are humans, we are not failures. We succeed and fail sometimes, not all the time.

Be nice to yourself, you have been through a lot.

[tumblerlove]

Boydad!Simon is something I feel like would be really healing for him to break the generational trauma

When you first told him you were pregnant after being married for a while. He was shocked. You both wanted children and talked about it before... but now it's real, and he's gonna be a father

His first thought that came in his mind was excitement and joy...but then he thought too "What if I fuck this up" but he didn't want you to think that he wasn't excited because he was happy that he would have a child with you.... but he was worried... so he hid his concern for now

He went to all of your appointments with you, he took time off work anytime you had to go so he wouldnt miss them. Simon wanted to see the baby on the ultrasound and see for himself that the baby and you are ok

Simon was there with you throughout the entire delivery holding your hand, encouraging you and cutting the baby boys cord. A boy. Simon had a son... throughout your pregnancy, Simon still didn't mention his fear that he would fail as a father. And now that he has a son, he's even more scared that he'll just be like his dad

As you're recovering the following days from the birth, Simon was super helpful he'd get up during the night and take care of the baby so you could sleep and heal. He was doing everything he could to help you and the baby

He would just stare at his son at nights and look at him and hope that he'll be better then his dad...he needs to talk to you he knows that...but how is he gonna tell you his fears without saying the wrong thing and scaring you into thinking hell be his father and become a failure not just for his son and well a failure for you too

Simon did come to you a few weeks after the birth. He had just laid the baby down while you got ready for bed. "Honey, can you come here?" he calls you softly to the bedroom. "Yeah, what is it, Si?" You ask with concern seeing his face etched in worry

"Im afraid...fuck...I'm afraid that I won't be a good enough father for our son." he spits the words out fast like they burned him. "Oh, Simon... you could have talked to me about this." You crawl up the bed and into his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck. Trying to comfort him the best way you know how

"I haven't wanted to tell you and admit it out loud... and make you think that I couldn't be a good Dad." he looks away from you, ashamed for saying it. "I know that you can be a dad, Simon. I watched you throughout my entire pregnancy already being a dad... being there for our son and for me. " You press your forehead to his. "These past few weeks, all you've done is be a good father...a great father Simon." You say to him softly

"I don't want him to think of me in the future like I think of my father...I don't want that." his face is breaking your heart. He looks so concerned and upset about it. "He won't ever think of you like that because you're not like that at all... if you can't tell already that little boy loves you so much he looks at you and he just sees love" you tell him as you comb your fingers through his hair

"I look at him, and I see that too...I see you and see love too," Simon says softly, his worry slowly going away from talking to you. "You're the best, Dad Simon. He's lucky to have you, and im lucky to have you as my husband. " You say into his chest as he starts falling asleep from calming down after talking, and you easing his worries

*15 years later*

"Dad, can you come outside and help me with this!!" You and Simon hear your oldest son from the backyard while you watch TV together. "I'll be right out!!" He calls back out to him. "Have fun," you say as he walks to the backyard

Simon had found this perfect home in the countryside after you guys had your second son. He wanted to give the boys lots to room to grow and run around and be happy like he didn't get to have. After your third son, Simon was very glad he had found this home. All three boys were just getting taller and bigger, just like their father. The boys also looked just like Simon too but with your eye color

"What do you need help with, Son?" Simon asks his son. "I can't get the ball into the net from this side...I just keeps missing it," he says, frustrated. "Alright, well, I can help with that," Simon says with a smile, earning him a smile from his son too

Anytime any of his boys smiled at him, his heart could've burst. Simon watched him first kick the ball to see how to help him. He went through the moves with him afterward to show just how to do it. Simon couldn't remember ever doing such a thing with his dad... being patient with him and teaching him. But Simon was different from his father. He was patient, caring, attentive, and loved all the boys deeply...and of course you too. The one who proved time and time again that he could do this

"You can do this son give it a go," Simon encourages him. He goes to try again, and sure enough, he made it with Simon's help. "YES FINALLY," your son screams out so loud that you even walk outside to see what happened

"What on earth happened!?" You call out as you see Simon and your son embracing. "He finally got it, didn't you hear?" Simon laughs while you shake your head in laughter. "Boys, put your shoes on. Let's go out back!" You call upstairs to your other two sons who were upstairs

They run right past you, heading straight towards Simon and your oldest. Not slowing down and pile driving them onto the grass. "Christ," you hear Simon say as he takes the weight of all three huge boys. "You guys are gonna squish your father to death one day," you say as you walk up to all of them. Still all on top of each other and poor Simon at the bottom

But it wasn't poor Simon...because he couldn't be happier right now. He couldn't have been any luckier in life. Finding you and your strength that helped him become who he is now. He couldn't be happier with his three boys on top of him, and with you laughing at them

So I did finally write boydad!simon and let me know what yall think...because I do love this 🥹

[ellecdc]

hello to elle from me at 2 in the morning AND CONGRATS ON 4k !!!

i’ve got an exam in t minus 6 hours so you probably won’t see this until then, but i’ve been studying like crazy all semester and cramming as much as i can tn but this class is so hard and i’ve pretty much faced the fact that im gonna bomb it soooo….

i’m here for the drinks!!

studying has put me in a remus mood so i’m thinking of reader pretty much just overworking her brain and getting upset and teary eyed abt a big assignment (so basically me rn el oh el) and remus being just so lovely about it

much love <3

hope your exam went well!! thanks for the love and for playing <3

so I have a hard time imagining Remus allowing you to get to the point of flustered tears, simply because he would have been on you to take breaks and such right from the get-go

I think he'd be surprised/startled at first because he'd be cataloguing all of his and your interactions over the last little while to a) make sure he hadn't done something to upset you and b) trying to figure out how he allowed you to get this upset

"Dovey..." he'd coo as he quickly sat in the chair beside you, closing your laptop quietly and pushing your work away from in front of you so you couldn't even look at it. "what's going on?"

"I'm so stupid." you nearly sob. he has a hard time not laughing at you simply because that's not true and you sound so petulant

"you're not stupid, you're tired."

"I'm a failure. I'm going to fail." - "that's quite enough out of you." he'd simply admonish, pulling you into his chest as he rocked you back and forth until you calmed down a bit

he'd convince you to take a shower or, better yet, a bath, maybe even doing your hair for you or just reading you a novel/chatting with you as you relaxed, making sure you have a good meal or your favourite snack and just snuggling/cuddling all night, ensuring you stay away from any school/work talk so as not to remind you of your anxiety

you'd wake up the next morning a bit embarrassed about your temper tantrum, but he'd have the good graces to pretend nothing had happened and simply ask if you'd like help studying/working today (his company, really, so that he can make sure you don't feel so overwhelmed)

[erinthesails]

god. the botched first time together is such a good way to play it. like im personally in hell and praying for a swift death of course, but i feel like.

the entire point of the show is not getting things right the first time. it's about trying again and again and realizing that it's never too late to find yourself, learn more about yourself, grow and change and discover things that are important to you. we've been talking about this all week with the differences between the season 1 "you wear fine things well" scene and this one, where the first time everything is picture perfect but doesn't go how they want, while the second one is real, grounded, imperfect, but honest. their first kiss being, again, when they were in totally different places, and not able to really connect in the way they needed to, even if it was grounded on the romantic notion of running away together (and maybe even BECAUSE the whole premise of that first kiss was so romantic--that's a lot of pressure!)

i think we're going to get something similar with them sleeping together. like, this first time was passionate, intense, romantic, etc. but notice, we don't see a genuine smile from ed the whole time. he's swept up in the moment, he wants stede, i dont think it's an issue of consent, but he KNOWS that this isn't right. that they're STILL in different emotional places and probably shouldn't be doing this here, now.

there's so much emphasis placed on firsts, just generally, in life. your first kiss, your first love, your first time having sex...getting it not just right, but perfect, ideal, the first time is so fucking important in western culture and the very premise of this show refuses to give that impulse to perfection validity. this is a show about two middle aged men who have had loves, marriages, lives, careers, families, whole histories before they met each other. two men who have, to various degrees, settled with the "first" things that came along to them in life because not to do so was a sign of failure. and all it got them was unhappiness and decimated senses of self worth

i actually really like that their first time together is the same way. i think it's setting us up for a second time that blows the doors off the first, and a lifetime of even better as they listen and learn and understand each other better. nothing ever ever has to be perfect the first time, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it to try again and again til you get it right!!! and they each know that the other person is worth it! worth fighting for and trying again for! i think they both just need to learn that they themselves are worth it too

[intheholler]

Do you have any tips for being more comfortable using your natural accent in front of people? I was bullied for it as a kid and scrubbed my accent away through teenhood. As an adult, I feel like I still have to put on a neutral accent so people at work won't judge me. I told one of my old bosses that I was from Appalachia and he went on about how he'd seen do many documentaries on Appalachia and what good people we were, but also added that "Wow! I never would have known. You don't have an accent at all. You're so well-spoken!" and it felt bad. I think he had good intentions, but it made me feel like a zoo animal. I always see comments on other Appalachian folks' posts about their accents too, and there's always a handful of jerks who have to say something about their intelligence or make an incest or drug addict "joke".

It all hurts a lot and makes me self-conscious, but I don't want to be this way around my friends. Do you know how I can stop letting peoples' ignorance and classism get to me? Worrying about how I pronounce words or if I'm using region-specific slang all the time is so exhausting.

hi there <3 this is a topic near n dear to my heart because i spent so much of my life trying to avoid sounding appalachian, and the last few years of it desperate to sound so aggressively appalachian that yankees can't understand me, lmao.

that is all to say: this is gonna be long as usual.

first: class solidarity, family <3 this stuff really sucks.

what inspired me to push past the discomfort of using my natural accent after a lifetime of getting rid of it was actually along the lines of what you mentioned: people being shocked that i could be from appalachia, and be articulate at the same time. there are so many nasty, hurtful implications there.

i hate to say it, but there's no easy answer to this.

something in me just… snapped one day about ten years back. i started to look inward, and i discovered this overwhelming pride and passion and love for my home that i had denied myself my whole life, out of fear over how it made me look.

i started doing the self-work and digging deeper into that. it wasn't comfortable, but once i embraced appalachia, i wanted to defend her. the best way to do that for me was to be loud. my pride in where im from outweighed the rest.

maybe you should start there, too. look inward, break down your own subconscious biases about yourself and about our home. find out why you have been made to think this way.

work on loving the appalachian parts of yourself. GET. FUCKING. ANGRY. at those who poisoned your mind with this shit, and use that fury to work on dismantling the beliefs they imposed upon you.

because why shouldn't we talk like our mamas just because some asshole thinks its funny? why should we give up ties to our community and culture, just to be respected? why should every blessed conversation be emotionally and physically taxing just to make a classist more comfortable?

it isn't my shame to carry, and it isn't yours. it is their shame, and their self-work to do. it is not our responsibility to coddle their ignorance. that is on them.

now, when someone hears me talk, it causes a sort of dissonance that they then have to wrestle with. it shifts the discomfort and emotional labor away from me, and puts it on to them instead.

every time i speak proudly, they have to confront themselves and their biases, and how it harms someone that they respect--you.

and if they aren't the kind of person empathetic enough to do that, literally who gives a shit what someone like that thinks about you.

turn those 'jokes' they make about it right back on them:

why is drug addiction funny? why is incest and sexual assault of children funny? why are underfunded schools and a failure to give children across the nation a fair and equal education something to laugh about?

framing it in my mind that i was taking back control in conversations this way helped me speak more comfortably. it made me feel empowered.

i think of it like this: by speaking in my dialect and embodying positive and "unexpected" traits from the region (leftist politics, anti-racism, things like that), i reclaim my power. i use that power to slowly shift the opinions of appalachia with the people i interact with.

it was scary, and it's still scary. but by making a conscious decision every day to speak in our dialect and be courageous even when it's hard, we are reclaiming the parts of ourselves that they took from us. we are bettering the image of the region we love so dearly.

it is INCREDIBLY empowering now to settle into my accent. but it took a LOT of self-work, courage and self-respect to be able to do it.

it ain't easy. i do still struggle with it; i catch myself code switching all the time. i don't think you or me or any of us trying to reclaim our accents will ever fully escape the weight of the classism that dictated our manner of speaking for a huge chunk of our lives, unfortunately.

but if you do that difficult work, it is so, so liberating, family.

you can do it. talk to yourself when you're home alone. let the accent get comfortable again on your tongue. start there, then let that beautiful dialect out for the world to hear <3

[crazylittlejester]

Ok so like, I've got this "What if" story idea bouncing around in my head that I would LOVE to write a fic about, but I feel like I can barely form a coherent thought these days, let alone a cohesive story, lol. But at the same time, this notion is absolutely ROTTING my brain, and I feel like at the very least I have to inflict it on someone else, so. Sorry. I thought of you first.

So like, it's pretty well agreed on that the dungeon the chain is exploring is (practically) in Hyrule's Hyrule, right? A.K.A. in the downfall timeline? So. . .

What if they encountered downfall!Time's ghost???

Do you think Time would realize it? Do you think he would recognize himself in this boy who faced the worst the world could throw at him and couldn't beat the odds, or do you think he has fought so hard to distance himself from the horrors of his youth that he fails to understand? Do you think he could even comprehend the possibility of his failure? (Because he could not fail he could not fail he will not fail—)

If he does recognize the ghost, how do you think he'd react?? Do you think he would see his ghost the way he sees the rest of the chain? Do you think Time would wish to have protected him the he tries to protect the rest of his boys? Or do you think he would hold the spirit to the same standards he holds himself, possibly even feeling shame or anger at the fact that he failed? (How could he fail how could I fail—)

And even beyond that, if Time discovered his ghost first, and alone, do you think he would try to hide it from the others???

And I know for a fact that Wars would recognize the ghost! Do you think he would somehow subtly realize that this isn't the same kid that he fought beside, or do you think that he would get this sinking feeling in his chest, that the boy who followed him through a war, for whom he did everything in his power to guide and protect and train, went through all of that just to die??? Do you think Wars would wonder if he could have prevented it???

And how do you think it would affect the whole chain, to be so suddenly and so jarringly confronted by their survivorship bias? That maybe they aren't the only heroes—they're just the only ones who lived.

And that doesn't even touch on all the angst of the ghost, who is now being confronted with all of these heroes who *did* make it, who *did* beat Ganon and save Hyrule and I just jkdkalhalshskla

Anyways, once again, sorry, but this is all the words I can actually word and I don't want it rattling around in my skull all alone lol

IM SO SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY SAVED THIS TO DRAFTS INSTEAD OF POSTING IT 😭

first of all this is absolutely fucking devastating, i’m destroyed (im obsessed)

At the point he’s at in his life right now, I feel like part of Time would be able to look at this other him and his heart would drop because this child is so painfully a child. I feel like he would know this kid tried his BEST, but wasn’t able to beat the odds and I think that would destroy him inside. I feel like he MIGHT try to hide this from the chain, or at least try to stop them from drawing the connection that it’s basically HIM, but I don’t think he’d be angry at Downfall Him. I think he’d feel survivors guilt but 50 times worse because why was HE the version of himself who got to live. He wouldn’t know how to react or how to treat the ghost, he’d be frozen

Warriors would also be absolutely destroyed, this boy doesn’t know him at all, but the idea that he COULD’VE known THIS kid but didn’t get to would hurt his heart so bad. He’d be able to be so incredibly gentle with him in a way Time wouldn’t be able to at the beginning, but I think through how Warriors would be able to treat this ghost Time would be more comfortable around him and maybe even be able to treat his actual self with more kindness

The survivors guilt would hit them all so hard, and seeing what Time looked like during his journey would be like seeing pictures of your grandparents when they were your age. Like, the fact that this kid is dead aside, they’re seeing baby Time

DONT APOLOGIZE FOR YAPPING IM OBSESSED WITH THIS IDEA, IM SO SO SORRY IT GOT STUCK IN MY DRAFTS FOR SO LONG 😭

[stickytrigger69]

angst fic with tfp megatron x femme con reader? she has feelings and adoring thoughts for the warlord and he’s aware of it although he doesn’t like her back but yet megatron leads her on, making her think there is something special forming between them just so he can break her heart. y’know how megatron told starscream he kept him around because he took a certain delight in his strings of failure but he grew tired of it? well, megatron does the same to reader and finds it amusing how she becomes more flustered around him, flattered by the compliments and sweet-nothings she tells him. megatron knows exactly what to say and do to make her melt, he has her wrapped around his finger.

he knows what she wants as there has been many times their lips were so close to touching yet he never kissed her and always left her on the edge until finally one day, they kiss and reader thinks that her spark might burst from joy as she melts into his embrace but then he pulls away and laughs at her straight to her face and begins to tell reader that she never meant anything to him. </3

omg im sorry for the oddly specific request i really got invested in this scenario xD

TFP Megatron x Femme Cybertronian Reader

ANGST fic

Femme reader

Readers' frame type, paint job, etc, are unspecified

Reader has been with Megatron since the beginning much like Soundwave

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

He is magnificent, strong, and beautiful. You swear to yourself that the large mech was forged from raw and unfathomable power. You know deep in your spark that you feel he should have been appointed the next prime instead of the archivist Orion Pax. He is a joke compared to your fearless leader, Megatron. You understand Megatron, you know what he had sought within the power of the primes and were terribly afflicted for him when he was denied his right.

Oh, how you admire him so, wanting only to please him and help him achieve his goals in rebuilding and ruling cybertron the way it should have been eons ago. And yet, no one saw it the way you did, not even Starscream, the wrech. Your merciful leader allowed him to return time and time again, with a stern servo, of course, to try and prove himself. And you were always there, always ready to pick up the pieces of his shattered hopes and relieve him of his disappointment in the seeker.

You give and give and give and never tire of his teasing.

"No one could never dream of ruling cybertron the way you could, my lord." You praise. Megatrons face twists into a grin. You've always been so kind, always admiring him. He noticed from the first time he met you that you were infatuated with him.

"My dearest (Y/N), you hold me in such high regard." He turns to look at you, arms crossed behind him. "Come." He holds a servo out, asking you to take his in your smaller one. Without hesitation, you step forward and put your servo in his, causing his grin to grow. His little pet, always at his beck and call, ready to give only to never receive in turn. The games he's been playing with you to get what he wants grant's him such a high level of satisfaction that he struggles to contain it at times.

"I think you are just the sweetest little femme." He coos, making you chuckle and turn your head away bashfully. "Oh, don't look away, little one. You know how I adore your beautiful face. How lovely you are." He turns your helm back upward to look at him, a shy smile gracing your derma. "My little warrior, I would have been blessed with your presence in the fighting pits all those years ago. My brave one." He caresses your face softly.

You have proved to be better than his so-called "best," rarely making mistakes of your own accord. The giddy feeling in his tanks when you stand tall beside him or try to hide behind him. Or the pride in your optics when you bring him what he wants. But none of that is more delicious than the hope in your optics when he brings your faces close. How ready you are and all the more willing to wait for him to finally give you the affection you so desperately crave.

All the scratches, dents, and dings you acquire from the autobots are reminders of your loyalty to him. The way you have sneered at Optimus to his face. Your naivety when he asks you just how loyal you are to him, making you bow and rest on one knee as you pledge yourself to him in an embarrassing display in the control room. The oblivion that afflicts you is so sweet and infinite that he's sure he could thrive on it alone. He stares into your patient optics, knowing.

Seeing.

"Tell me, my spark," he starts, taking your servo in his, "Do you really believe all that scrap in your little helm?" You look confused, how cute.

"My lord?" There's your hesitance. He chuckles, and his other arm reaches out from behind him to cradle you and lift you up off the ground so you are optic to optic.

"Do you really believe I would be the best ruler for cybertron?" He smirks inwardly, seriousness plastered to his face, and his field is filled with feelings of uncertainty. A soft, reassuring smile graces your derma.

"Of course. You would be perfect for cybertron. Your ideals and forgiving nature -" poor thing, so blind, "you are a true leader who will stop at nothing for peace. You have worked so hard and made so much progress already. I believe you have proven yourself worthy of primehood."

He hums amusedly and just watches your face. Optics darting from one spot to another, occasionally glancing at your derma. It's the same thing he has been doing for the longest time, leading you on, getting closer and closer to what you want. He's been getting more physical with you over the years, pretending to be awkward and easing himself into it. He's had his time, and he's gained experience with many mech and femmes. But you, you sweet, innocent spark, have little to no experience. The most experience you have is whatever he's done with you.

It's all really soft, sweet, enjoyable, and new. He can see how it affects you. You get all cute and flustered and shy, even when it's just the two of you, and especially in front of the crew and the others you are close to like Knockout. Soundwave "happens" to barge in a lot too, well aware of Megatrons plans with you. He also knows that Megatron has, as of late, begun to tire of your affections and longing. Your groveling has started to bore him after all these centuries. It has taken so long for him to finally be done with you, and he still has yet to kiss you.

He often thinks about how he's going to do it and where. Doesn't know if he wants to do it in front of everyone or when you're all alone. He supposes it shouldn't matter, so long as he can watch you die inside when he rejects you. Soundwave comes in, a red ping on his visor. It seems he will get his chance sooner than he hoped. An energon mine, it's losing stability, so he orders you to accompany him to resolve the issue if possible.

You work quickly and efficiently. The mine is no longer collapsing on itself. The blue energon crystals on the walls and ceiling cast a soft glow on your frame. You watch the vehicons get back to their stations to continue their work when Megatron slowly turns you to face him.

"We work well together, don't you think my spark?"He asks softly, and you nod in response. "You would do well as my queen." Your spark swells, you start breathing faster. He leans down to plant his forehead against yours, red optics staring into yours. You search his for sincerity, scanning his face. In seconds, he connects your derma. You feel like your chest is going to explode. It's better than you ever dreamed. Your optics close, and your legs wobble. He pulls away, your optics still closed, blue dusting your face.

When you open your optics and see the way he's looking at you, your tanks turn. He has a wicked grin, but before you can say anything, he laughs. It's a deep, hearty laugh. He pushes you away and continues to laugh, drawing the attention of the vehicons around you.

"You really think I have feelings for you, you? You are beneath me. You will never be my queen. You will never be anything more than just a silly femme. A frame stuck in a land of fantasy. I only played along because it brought the best out in you. You and you alone have helped me get this far. You've given me everything at the cost of nothing. You've been a fool." He states calmly.

"But..."

"But? But what? You thought it meant something? That I actually wanted you? Still so naive (designation), still so oblivious to the truth, or do you just not want to see it? They have seen it." He points to the vehicons, "day in and day out, they see you grovel at my pedes like the good little pet you are." You feel faint, like you could collapse on the ground right now. This can't be true. Coolant gathers in your optics, and he chuckles at the sight.

Before he can continue to humiliate you further, a plasma blast zips past him and hits one of the troops. The autobots. They were the cause of the malfunction. "(Designation), do your duty and stop them." He points in their direction. You don't move. You stand there looking down at your pedes. He growls and grabs you, and you look up at him, coolant falling down your face.

"I would have given you the galaxy." You whimper. A blast hits him right in the chest. He looks up to see Optimus running toward you both. With another growl, he roughly pushes you aside. You lose your balance and stumble backward into a jagged wall in the cave, the sharp rock scraping painfully against your back.

"If you're not going to fight, then get out of my way!" He raises his arm to shoot at Prime. You remain in your place watching the fight unfold. Everything is a blur, blaster fire, and explosions all around you. Soon, the mine becomes unstable again, and a large rock falls on top of you, pinning you there. You struggle a little, trying half-heartedly to push the boulder off of yourself. But you soon give up and sob. The fighting lasts a long while, and then all is silent. You're alone.

When you open your optics, you're not in the mine under a rock but are strapped to a table instead.

"Before you try, I have disabled your weapons." The old medic walks over to you.

"What?" A flash of Megatron.

"You wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. But I've patched up your wounds, per Optimus' request, and begrudgingly wasted our precious supplies on a Con." He complains. He drones on, but you don't listen.

"Megatron?" Your spark aches. He didn't love you. He never loved you. It was all a game to him. But you thought.

"Ahem! I'm giving you a diagnosis, and you're not listening!" He huffs, snapping you back to reality. When you look into his optics, he stops. He sees that familiar look, the one that says that you don't care, the one that says you wouldn't care if you didn't wake up.

"I was going to give him everything."

"Optimus, I don't think we're going to be capable of helping her," Ratchet looks back at you, laying on the table, "she refuses her rations and doesn't sleep. She doesn't even want to talk." Optimus looks up over the helm of his old friend to look at you, laying on the table. You're no longer restrained, but you don't move. There all day and there all night making worry bubble in his chest.

"Get out of my sight!" Megatron cries out, and Starscream sulks away. It's been weeks since he left you in the mine, and he hasn't seen you since. But it doesn't feel as good as he thought it would. For some odd reason, he feels empty. He doesn't know exactly why he feels this way and denies himself that it's because you're not around. Even seeing you after a stray plasma blast struck you in the abdomen, leaving you bleeding he felt no sense of satisfaction.

Sometimes, while he struts down the halls of the Nemesis, he thinks he can hear your smaller pedes trailing behind him, but when he turns, you're not there. And when he's feeling lower or more frustrated than usual, there's no one to tell him how great he is, to grovel and kiss at his pedes, to sharpen his claws and smooth out his dents with soft praise. No one is there for him to entertain himself with. No, he doesn't miss you! You were nothing to him!

"She is nothing." His own voice is heard from across the hall. When he turns around he sees Soundwave approaching him.

"Yes, I know," He turns back to look out the window again, "she had been nothing more than a plaything. The subject of my entertainment." He smirks. "I feel nothing though, I do not feel as relieved as I thought I would, Soundwave."

"My lord?" Your voice is played back to him, and he feels his chest swell, causing him to growl.

"I want her offline. Tell the troops I want proof of such if they can find her. I know the Autobots dug her up. I want you and the others on high alert. If you find her Soundwave, destroy her." His voice rumbles, laced with venom as he stomps into the hallway.

Megatron is too stubborn. He will never acknowledge that he was starting to like you, that he misses your flattery, that he looks for the warm touch of your small servos. He will never say he's sorry. He will never say or do anything. Thus, he believes that he won't rest easy until he has your helm.

"(Designation), what torments you so?" Optimus slowly walks up to you on the table. You don't even look at him but turn around to face the other direction. "Megatron?" That's all he has to say. You let out a shaky sigh, and before you know it, you're crying. He gets closer and puts a servo on your shoulder, and you turn around to face him. Your face has darkened and is streaked with old and new coolant. Your small servo grabs his, and without thinking, Optimus picks you up and hugs you.

He lets you cry for as long as you need, and before long, you're just sniffling.

"I gave him everything, and still, I was going to give him more." Your voice is laced with static and sounds weak, and it breaks Primes spark to hear a bot so broken. "I thought I was someone to him, that I was important." You whimper. "I was a fool."

"You were taken advantage of. He used you." He argues.

"No! I should have known, I should have seen!" You get angry. Years of devotion pass by, and you can see it. He was putting on a show with you. They all just watched and laughed while you were unaware. Knockout knew, and he hadn't told you. He knew and just let you continue to make a fool of yourself. You push yourself away from Optimus and stand on your pedes. Anger and embarrassment flood your fuel pumps. "And you!" You look at Optimus. "You're going to do the same! I know it!"

"No, I would never."

"I can't trust anyone! Everyone knew, and still no one tried to help!" Coolant pours from your optics from how upset you are. Your tanks swirl and feel tight. A sour taste in your mouth. You feel like you're going to explode, like the walls are shrinking around you, and it's getting hard to breathe. Your spark aches, and your chest tightens painfully. Your legs feel wobbly and weak. You hadn't noticed when the other autobots had come over, but now you felt crowded.

Optimus tries to keep them at a distance, noticing your distress. You feel like you're on display. Their faces distort into smiles and smirks. It's so hard to breathe. Why won't they leave? Why can't they just leave you alone? They won't stop staring.

[missmarveledsblog]

SWEETPEA (Joel Miller x reader)

summary : when failing to live it in new york  sweet pea goes home only to meet two new faces at her families barbeque that leads to new job and new friends and maybe more 

warnings: no outbreak au  , mechanic au , cheating , goofy i guess , softjoel!

Reblog to be added to taglist ���️

This was that same old tale , young girl leaves home to make it in the big bad world alone , except this time the big bad world chew her up and spit her back out in ten folds. first it was the stress of trying to make it in a big city  before the  limitations of the workspace meant she was on the chopping block to come home and find her boyfriend in throws of heated passion with someone she thought was her best friend. she didn't think twice kicking his ass out  the while he told she was nothing to him , she ended up packing up her apartment and heading home tail between her legs .  so here she stood outside her house , she could hear the chatter of the crowd making her realise the date  and wanted the ground to swallow her whole . she had showed up on the day her parents host their annual backyard barbeque , meaning a backyard  filled with loved one , friends and god knows who were there . 

" well hello there " a voice drawl making her jump .  turning she could two men standing the younger one giving her a flirty grin  but for the life of her she couldn't help just start crying .

" oh shit  sorry " his wide eyes and scared face .

" idiot you scared here , hey miss you lost , need help " he asked coming closer to her .

" sweet pea darling what you doing here ... crying " her brothers head popping up behind the men .

" all i did was say hello jake swear  " the younger of the two moved to side.

" sounds like reason to cry to me " the older one snickered .

" hey tommy , joel could you get my parents " her brother smiled weakly wondering what the hell was going on .

" im home for good because i'm a failure and my boyfriend cheated on me and new york was a bad idea " she began ramble as the two men walked quickly into the house.

" ok ok calm down there , cheated on you sure cause matt isn't.. "  .

" his dick was literally in her when i caught them " she sniffled . 

" ok well if he shows his face around  i'm sure me and jessica can kick his ass right" he hugged .

  that's were his dick was " she looked down to ground .

" shit sorry sweetpea " he hugged her looking up to see his parent stand sad looks on there face.  " hey honey come on " her mom smiled holding her arms out making her rush to the two . now  sitting with them explaining everything before heading to her room needing to shower after her long flight . 

after a shower and good cry she decided to join the festivities hoping the good mood wasn't ruined by the sudden turn up and her emotional outburst  .  she walked around as everyone smiled brightly welcoming her home and awkward nod from her former best friends parents .  she walked over to the cooler pulling out a beer before heading to the grill where he dad and brother stood along with the two men from earlier.

" hey sweet pea , you feeling better " her father gave her quick side hug before turning his attention back to the grill .

" yeah , i'm feeling better , sorry about earlier " she rubbed the back of her neck barely looking at the two  now noticeably attractive men which giving the recent luck in the last three weeks of being in new york and the one day home seemed to be on par .

" nah your all good,  i'm tommy and this is my brother joel  , so your the famous sweetpea we have heard all about " the younger brother smirked .

" i mean it's what they call me i don't know why  , also it nice to meet you both and again i swear i don't make it habit to just burst out crying at strangers  , you just  caught me in a shit storm " she smiled weakly taking a big gulp of the beer in her hand .  " anyway enough about me , how do you know my family " she  turned to the men eye lingering a little longer on  the older one .

"  we work with jake and well for your old man " joel spoke up  suddenly she wasn't so concerned on her break up after hearing the gruff yet some how smooth voice .

" well my sympathies  having to listen to jakes shit all time " she giggled . 

" he's well matched with tommy so i'm used to it " joel chuckled.

"  i ain't two of them " her dad shook his head.

"  so how long you sticking around for ?"  jake asked ignoring the insult.

" erm for good  , i need to find a job " she winced .

" i could use your help down the shop "  her dad turned handing her a plate . " like in the shop shop ? " tommy asked confused.

" sweetpea here is dab hand around an engine " jake boasted .

"  i mean once i'm not in the way " she asked. 

" nah nicky left last week , joined the army and we've been over run so really you'd be helping us out" her dad spoke up as she ignored the now curious gaze on her .   

" ok well then  i'm happy to help " she beamed.

" well morale in the shop just went up that's for sure " tommy winked  while both joel and jake punched each arm. 

" hey shit sweet pea good to see you darling " mark called coming over .

"  hey boomer " she smiled hugging the man.

" hey boomer sweetpea is coming work with us " tommy wiggled his brows only to dodge the incoming punches.

" thank god  she can fix your fuck ups " his laugh boomed  which is how he earn the particular nickname . 

 " so more mature even if she's the youngest of the team now " her dad chuckled at the good nature banter.

" well i look forward to see your skills little lady " joel winked  making her think matt who ? . 

" she was the one who actually loved being in the shop, we all thought she would start her own in new york to our surprise when she said she was a waitress in some restaurant" jake shook his head.

" that's cause they didn't take me serious out there  plus it was a diner and lets not talk about new york please it's awkward enough their parents are here" she rolled her eyes.

" well i didn't know their kids done mine dirty " her dad defended.

" what did i miss " boomer looked around the group.

" well matt and jessica decided to fuck and i didn't want to be a  third wheel and i got fired so i came home " she said bluntly.

" sweetpea language" her dad warned.

" ellie would love you " tommy chuckled . " ellie ? " she asked confused.

" she's one of joel's daughters  and sarah " tommy smiled.

" their with their mom and her new husband in austin  " joel suddenly felt his own cheeks heat .

" 50 /50  custody " tommy droned on .

" oh like jake and lydia with luka " she nodded in understanding . " yeah actually exactly like that " jake patted her back .

" oh shit mom's looking pissed and walking towards  jessica's parent , i'll see y'all later  " she rushed off shoving the plate and beer into her brothers hands . 

joel watched her guiding her mother away and to a different part of the yard and thought her eyes still reddish from her earlier burst of emotions she still was the prettiest little thing around . he felt like a pervert as the others talked to her while he smiled and unable to speak and now she was going to be working in the shop .  everything about her was calling to him like siren  and yet he barely only met her putting it down to being single for too long and little bit of the heat . even though he hit his brother for his remark , he couldn't help agree having her in the shop was definitely going boost the mood .  he watched as she talked to the women like she wasn't just crying her eyes out hours before , keeping her mother from  causing a scene .  he barely even listened to the couples that came up apologising and leaving .   he pretended to listen to the men around him though his attention kept steering towards sweet pea .  even thought he was definitely too old for her and knowing she probably didn't want a single dad   , it didn't hurt to look right? .

" so  she gonna need help around the shop " tommy asked .

" no seriously we weren't kidding , she spent her child and teen years either helping my old man and his own old man fixing cars , girl knows her way around an engine better then town " jake chuckled.

" she worked in shop for   years before she and dick for brains went to new york too " boomer agreed. 

" funny you two showed up in town the week she left " her dad tim  mused. 

" we would of been here the week before but tommy got food poisoning " he could help mentally curse his brother. 

" that your kids gave me " tommy shot back . " i warned you " joel laughed .

" they still coming next week " jake asked.

" yeah  i can't wait , apparently ellie going through a swearing like sailor phase though " he winced.

" don't have her around sweet pea then or it will get worse" . 

" bring them down shop be good to see them again " .

" will do tim " he nodded his eye once again looking toward the woman. " it definitely didn't hurt to watch " he thought as she threw her head back laughing.

[thesuperiorgenshinaddict]

can u do smthing with hiori yo and like reader has like abusive or like just toxic or something just wrong with the family and like hiori and reader like get closer cuz they both deal with the same stuff at home (strangers to friends to lovers)? long or short idc accept or ignore idc. Have a good day =)))

AN: ty for the request!! for what reader has going on in their family, i kept it vague cuz i obvs wouldn't want to assume anything, i hope you're doing okay though :> for this specifically, i did this pre-blue lock but feel free to ask for anything different! and more important AN: yeah i pumped reader w/ characterization kinda. like there's an actual plot which kinda makes sense kinda doesn't. ermmmm i might as well say i got slightly sidetracked but that's cringe!!!!!! CRINGE!1!!11 whatev hopw you enjoy... god im a failure

Pairing: Hiori Yo x GN! Reader Warnings: Hiori gunning down zombies in video games idk what else to say, uhhh shitty cliffhangers (less of cliffhangers, more like hillhangers or something)

HCs first:

Hiori's probably reserved at first. Let's just say that the two of you go to the same school or something, because I can't think that he would just randomly approach someone he doesn't at least recognize. I'd reckon that the two of you end up bonding because of coincidences, considering how he pretty much just does school -> home -> gaming and wouldn't go out of his way to talk to someone he doesn't have to talk to.

Coincidences as in being at the same park at the same time, or trying to get the same thing at a store, stuff like that. Honestly, he would probably not talk to you much and would just mind his own business. After he ends up running into you for the millionth time, he'd probably make some polite conversation because it's just getting too awkward. Something like 'Oh, you're from Class yap yapyap, right?' or 'Oh wow the weather's so nice today' (there's a typhoon).

At some point, rather you or him would end up saying something that breaks the awkwardness. Like maybe saying a less than normal joke but it ends up being funny, making a game reference, or shitting on a teacher that you both mutually dislike. From then on, Hiori starts actively hanging out with you.

Those coincidences end up becoming apart of his day to day schedule, morphing it into school -> park -> home -> gaming. He gets out of his house by telling his parents he's going out for a run to ease his nerves or whatever and spends as much time as physically possible away from them. Hiori will occasionally bring a handheld game console and explain game functions while sitting next to you because he still needs to finish the campaign, even if he's outside.

Even though he spends a lot of time with you, the both of you avoid the topic of spending time at each others' house. Hiori takes it as a win, but he still finds your aversion to it a bit off. As much as he tries to think of other things to do besides sitting on the rusted swings and having you watch him as he shoots goals for 2 hours straight, everything else seems redundant. He tried going to a café with you once, but after he saw the protein to calorie ratio of the drinks, he went straight back to semi-enjoying nature.

After a bit of contemplation, he asks for your contact information. He then has to convince you about the beauty of Discord and why it's better then Line messaging and gives you his username. Majority of his messages are 'hru' or 'r u up?' or screenshots of his homework so you can copy it. Or you don't if you're a very awesome cool honest student. Good for you.

Hiori does long calls with you and just plays video games in the background. Although, it's slightly difficult to focus on his voice because his button mashing is insanely loud and because the playing game status has been running for a while (21 days straight).

Now that he acquired the ability to communicate to you from his phone, he is able to actually plan stuff to hang out. As soon as he finishes his football practice, he heads off to see you.

But, of course, all good things must come to an end. Or a pause.

Slinging his tote bag over his shoulder, he opens and closes his mouth like a fish before he starts searching around the park. A bypasser walking their dog turns the other direction as the six foot man crawls around on the playground slide. Despite his usual calmness, his heart races in his chest.

After 7 minutes of just wandering around, it clicks in his brain. Oh. You ghosted him. His shoulders slack and he picks up his bag; now dirtied with mud and woodchips, and he goes back home.

When he greets his parents at the door, his eyes flit to the floor. There's nothing to distract him from this sickening feeling. Hiori goes into his room, shuts the door, and turns on his console. He shoots the zombies until his eyelids start drooping and he falls asleep.

The next morning, he checks his phone from muscle memory. There's no good morning text. The only notification he has is from one of the cheap mobile games he downloaded out of boredom. Every class period, he raises his hand to go to the bathroom, and checks his phone again. Nothing. He goes to football practice and kicks the ball until the back of his heels have friction marks on them. His feet drag him to the park, across the damp ground, and he sits on the rusted swingset for an hour.

You don't come.

He doesn't see you at school. Days feel like years. Then months pass. He doesn't feel that... upset, per say, he just feels hollow. Like if someone was chipping away at his heart with a toothpick, or something. Weird ass analogy.

He still goes to that park everyday. Instead of talking with you, he jogs around the park and waits for you to randomly pop up and tell him 'haha lolz i was just trolling sry 4 ghosting u OwO'.

The brainrot is got so strong that he literally found himself accidentally buying two Yakult drinks, one for himself and one for you. He still religiously checks his phone every hour. With his pent up energy, he gets seventeen more achievements in his shooting game.

At last, the day you come back. It's pouring rain and he's carrying his umbrella. When he lifts his gaze from the ground, he sees that you're at the park. He can't tell if he's mad or happy or confused or what. Hiori's heart races as he hovers his umbrella over your head and he says the most ultra cool uber awesome thing ever that expresses all of his strong emotions about your absence.

"Heya."

The conversation is stiff and Hiori kinda just talks. Not even about how he misses calling you or whatever. He talks about schoolwork, a new game he added to his steam library, and the weather.

He has a whole yapfest in the most polite manner possible.

Then he makes one snide remark about his parents and you actually join in on shitting on parents together and he feels his face heat up at the slightest. He's getting demolished by the rain and all he can think about is 'this is fun.'

It kinda becomes a bit of an inside joke. Hiori finds it funny. His parents' expectations feel a whole lot lighter now. 'Yo-chan, did you do football practice?' and 'Good job! I'm so proud of you for scoring that goal!' feel hilarious. It's like he's on top of the world, laughing maniacally. Whenever he teabags on the guy he successfully guns down in the games he plays (good sportsmanship my ass), he imagines it's his parents taking the L instead.

He makes it his unofficial mission to spend as much time with you out of the house. Aquariums, libraries, theaters, things of that sort. When it starts getting dark outside and you both have to head home, he reminds you that you can always call him.

While he's playing a new game that's more story-based, there's a side romance plot that makes his jaw slack as he realizes. Hiori's been taking you on dates. And he enjoys them. When he goes to sleep that night, he has a dream where he runs away with you into the horizon, away from both of your families and away from his parents' expectations.

It takes him a long time to think of the optimal confession plan. In between practice and football matches, time passes a lot quicker than he would like, and he needs to confess soon. Or else, he'll be swept away and graduate and become a professional football player, where his life will revolve around football and not what shitty movie he should watch with you.

His plans are ruined when he sees that you seem a bit off. Your eyes are a bit redder than usual and your posture is slouched. He ditches the movie and the two of you go to the park and walk. When the sun starts setting, he swallows down his fears of rejection and gently squeezes your hands.

"I- I like ya a lot. Will," He pauses, and he notices that his grip is shaky. "Can I be yer boyfriend?"

boom cliffhanger i'm tweaking the fuck out hope you enjoyed (please tell me you did im so sorry if i fucked up big time) Fic... thing?

Hiori is a perceptive person. Whether it's because he's gotten used to making note of things while on the field or just programmed into his nature, he doesn't know. For the most part, it's not something he cares much about. The things he notices are buried to the back of his mind. It's mainly unimportant things that he ends up noticing; the gossip that the kids sitting in front of him are very unsubtly whispering about or whatever TV show everyone's watching; none of which he cares about.

It had rained despite the what the forecast had said, and afterschool football practice was canceled. The students who were unlucky enough to not have an umbrella had speedily biked away, trying not to get drenched by the rain. The lucky ones strolled around and talked about going to karaoke. Although his peers' clothes were drenched and a few of them had slipped in puddles, even under the safety of his umbrella, Hiori didn't feel particularly lucky. "Yo-chan, we saved up and bought you this nice umbrella!" His free hand reaches up and runs over the smooth material of the handle. 'That's right,' Hiori thought bitterly. 'If I catch a cold, I can't play football at my full potential.'

Keeping his gaze focused on the ground, he walks and all he can hear is the sound of the rain. The sleeves of his uniform get a bit wet. His legs move on autopilot and before he processes it, he's at the same park that his parents used to bring him to. He avoids the mini football field like the plague and goes to the playground.

It's empty. The rain must have drove everyone away. The first time he sees you, you're sitting on the swingset by yourself. Hiori momentarily thinks about how he's seen you in school before, but he minds his own business. He drowns out the sound of the rain and the creaking of the swings and puts his headphones on. He blasts death metal to avoid his thoughts. For some reason, his so called 'perception' is giving him a weird, murky feeling about you.

He chalks it up to be another football skill and doesn't think about it for the next month.

The next time he thinks about his perception is when he's on a call with you. He explains game mechanics while sharing his screen. "This one has higher health, but lower defense. It's better to shoot it from a distance, it only takes a few shots if ya have good gear," He rapidly clicks a few buttons and does a triple kill combo.

You're adding to the conversation, so it's not just him talking, but he still feels just a bit off. "This one runs fast. It's better to kill it off quickly than worry about it later." With a wry smile, the zombie dies. "This is currently the most meta weapon. Ya can get it from the battlepass. It has a lot of ammo, quick to reload, and has better than average range. The best part about it though is its fast shooting and aim function."

His eyes flutter shut before he mentally prepares himself to ask if you're okay. and boom cliffhanger because me big tired AN: uhhhhhhhhhhhh what was i gonna say i forgot okie toodles :3

[eulchu]

ok guys. let's have a real talk. let's ALL have a real talk and i don't mean just me and my anons . i hope this reaches all of our community even if you think i fucking suck.

fucking october didn't ruin us but i am so worried that this dumb tension just might. this is getting so ridiculous and out of hand -i barely understand what's going on myself. so im gonna need everyone to work together and do a collective reflection exercise.

i am gonna write out a series of points that i need u guys to think about before proceeding in this community:

- active blogs. you're burnt out. you're burnt out and you're so tired of trying to keep this community running that you're denying yourself a moment to feel your own frustrations as your own individual person. i get that . i get being under so much pressure that you can't catch yourself some slack, least you spiral out of control <- this is, however, really damn unhealthy 😭 it's ok to let yourself feel some disappointment!! some anger!! that's fine. it's up to you, however, what you do with it. this brings us to our next point.

- we NEED to acknowledge this if we wanna get better. ifl it's taboo and we're pushing the narrative so hard we're not giving ourselves enough space to breathe. it. is. okay. to. feel. disappointed. over. the. lack. of. dteam. content. i am the first person to shut down any self entilted prick who thinks they can expect something out of them. because they DON'T owe us anything. but truth is we are humans and, accordingly so, feel in consequence of our own expectations. i wanna break this part down in a few points:

it is OKAY to acknowledge that we are disappointed. denying one self's feelings never ended up ok for anyone. it is okay to acknowledge that we are not getting the content we were hoping for.

it is NOT okay to blame the dteam for it. this is where it gets tricky. the dteam are in charge of what type of content they put out. it will never be in our hands. at that point, if you don't like what they're doing. leave. i'm sorry. it's harsh. i'm not trying to be mean about it. i'd understand if you left! it's ok!

- before you leave, though, i want to ask you a question. why do dislike what they're doing so much? seriously, ask yourself that question. is the content that bad, in your eyes? if the answer is yes, i can't help you there. you've grown out of their content. there's no way around it.

- but is it actually bad, or is it just Not What You Expected? In which case, let's talk. Let's put things bluntly:

the dteam have waited years to be together. correct

upon living together, we have discovered that they are not very good at providing content because they put their friendship above content. i'm not sure if anyone had that in their bingo cards - but it's what happened. autumn was really rough on them & they've learnt to exist together off camera. me personally, i think it's sweet.

dteam and traveling: a fall out? :o . no. jesus christ 😭 the fact that this is the new narrative nauseates me. i don't think anyone in their right mind thinks that dteam are less close than they were when they were living apart.

Bringing back our initial point, the failure to meet our expectations can be mentally challenging. it will inevitably make us second guess a lot of associated ideas that we thought were true . if one of our expectations fails to be met, that's a fail in our mental plan. if we were wrong about this, who's to say we are right about anything else?

i'm not sure if there's some sort of denial of feelings here or if people are trying really hard not to think about this possibility because it makes them scared. i am inviting you to take a moment to really think about it and feel the initial dread of the question. it will pass fairly quickly.

the truth is that the dteam is FINE. they're fine, they share a house, they film videos together, and they go on these long ass hiatus when they're together because they would much rather spend uncesored time off-line.

my favorite point: for how parasocial we are, we don't give them nearly enough credit. the dteam are adult men. we have to put faith in their decisions. only they know what they're doing. they know what's best for them. we certainly don't.

- i wanna rescue this last point. their decisions are THEIRS. if we don't put trust in what they're doing, we're already failing the game. that means who they hang out with too. i get not liking someone ok? i get it. i don't like a lot of people either. no one is pointing a gun to any of their heads. if you think that any of them is doing something that you don't see fit you have problems and you need to grow up. it is not our place to dictate their lives and it will never be. that goes for the white-knighting too.

⚠️(this is a completely hypothetical scenario)⚠️

the truth is if tomorrow george decides to go back to the uk, for whatever reason. we would all have to fucking shut it. fan disappointment? yes. acting like george is an awful person for betraying his best friends? you're out of your fucking mind.

dream george and sapnap are grown up people with a strong friendship and communication skills. if you think that george would take the unilateral decision and not tell anyone until the day before you need to seek help. whatever decision the dteam take about their lives it's THEIRS and you need to put some fawking faith in what they're doing. they know what's up.

that goes for the fucking karl problem too okay? i don't like it either. whatever. it's not my place though?? dream isn't a baby who's been abandoned he's a grown ass man who knows what he's doing and if he still considers (if they ALL do) karl his friend that's his decision. if he thinks that karl's friendship management is fine that's his decision. we are not dream's friends nor his fucking therapist.

- the thing about dooming and content. the multishippers: is the dteam all there really is? i firmly believe that we all kove the dteam outside of each other. (mostly tackled in this post)

- dnf and the fandom. jesus christ i can't believe i have to make a point about this. i think it's important to remember that at the end of the day. it's just Not That Serious. it was never meant to be that serious. bringing back the "they're their own people" point, what the Fuck do some people think they're doing 🧍‍♂️

dnf know what they're doing they know the nature of their relationship better than we ever will. if they're just friends it's because they chose to if they . in the biggest plot of the century . come out of this with a s/o it doesn't mean they're cheating on each other, that dream/george was leading anyone on or that they're hurting each other???? are you CRAZY 😭 if they're dating they're dating if they're not they're fucking not but they're. not gonna be sad about it??? they're adult people in an adult relationship they know what tf they're doing. they hold each other's hearts impossibility close to themselves. there's nothing they would ever do that could hurt each other.

to wrap things up: after this reddit worthy post (congrats if you've made it to the end) i have something very important to ask of you guys.

i know it might be unfair but can we all compromise on detoxxing. completely. for like, a week. not posting neg at ALL. we can't enable doomers we can't enable bait anons. neg is only good for one thing: make anxious people paranoid as fuck.

so can we. for like a week. just not post anything /neg at all. can we block the worst of it. the unnecessary dooming. and not acknowledge at ALL. i get it's a huge mental toll on the active blogs - reading so much negativity SUCKS but i do believe that it's a better option than responding and enabling more people to send similar asks.

me personally, i am already saying it here: any dooming will get blocked in my askbox. i won't hate you for it. but this IS a warning that you need to get your shit together if you ever wanna have a chance at speaking in my askbox ever again.

um congrats if you read everything?😭 PLEAAAASE let's all make this place a better place again i know we can do it

U CAN ADD TO THIS POST IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY BTW !!!

[volivolition]

hi, how are your fic wips? ive been. thinking a lot about them lately lmao. if you dont wanna share any info thats fine feel free to delete this ask bdidndhx

HI ANON!! oH WAHH CRIES???? that means a lot, thank you for thinking of my stories omg?? :'] <33 im ALWAYS happy to share info about my fics, don't worry!! in this one, i'll talk about "Let's Make It (a) Home" and "Swept Up"!!

Preface, here's all my fic wips as explained before!! and all my writing can be found in my #inland drabbles tag! ask 1, ask 3!

Let's Make It (a) Home is a fic about the Hanged Man case, from the perspective of the skills learning to work together again and rebuild a home! current word count is 3042 :]

Swept Up in the Feeling is a character study fic from the perspective of Empathy hanging out with the other skills! current word count is 13116!! :D

RIGHT OFF THE BAT HERE'S A SNIPPET FROM MAKE IT HOME!

oN GOD IF I COULD JUST SHARE THIS ENTIRE SNIPPET?? i won't but IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY HJGKJG so like. skill check failures means that skill is unable to fulfill its duty. if this were, say, a hand/eye coordination check fail, he'd probably drop the sword or like. accidentally stab himself hkjgh BUT volition stands for self-restraint, serious business and acting responsibly, so WHEN HE FAILS THE SKILL CHECK…

god. i love volition. i love swords. it's just volition showing off to his heart's content, HE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY MAN HGKJG. writing the description following this was absolutely delightful, i love how poetic it turned out, THIS WHOLE SCENE IS SO DEAR TO ME..

this fic is probably my favorite out of all my fics, tbh? i love the skills man!! the dynamic of like... "i don't remember a lot of you or a lot of myself, and it's all so distantly familiar, but regardless we all have to work together right now." i think before this they were really dysfunctional, and that persists through the game, and in the fic. they bicker and argue and they don't always get along, but this is a fresh start for all of them and it helps them learn to cooperate better, learning to work as a team!!

the idea that they're also struggling through this, everything harry feels, but trying to keep it together, to work together for their core. in the end, they all want what they think is best for harry, y'know? im really excited to write for the dora dream, y'all know how the skills are in the dream, my GOD. SCREAMS. anyway thats hype hfjhg the whole concept of getting to see the game from the skills perspective, rebuilding, reforming bonds. its really sweet to me.

writing this fic requires replaying all of disco elysium, so i can write it from the skills perspective, which is a BIG ENDEAVOR hgkjg

NOW!! Swept Up in the Feeling, aka EMPATHY MY DARLING. my favorite guy i love him!! kisses his forehead lovingly!! i adoreee this volition chapter, it's a flashback chapter before a MAJOR EVENT happens in the fic and it's just there to showcase my volition and empathy childhood best friend propaganda, theeyyyyy make me so happy i'll cry hgkjg

it's just!! volition was the first skill empathy ever met and attached to!! and empathy was the first skill volition ever met alone, so he feels a sense of responsibility for him hkjg and they're playmates and they take naps and they grow up together and they care about each other.

oughhh i have MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM, and so many art wips of them too hgkjg <33 i'll get to it!!! eventually!! hgkjg

otherwise, I LOVE SWEPT UP!! i love skills character studies!! i love these guys as characters in their own right, and not just narrators or extensions of harry's thoughts!! i love exploring them from empathy's point of view, because thats EMPATHY'S WHOLE THING?? HJLKGJ that he'll know how the other skill feels, how they think, and he'll try to understand and empathize!! he's like, the PERFECT character to do character studies from?? i LOVE YOU EMPATHY!!!

every chapter makes me endeared to each skill hgkjg the drama chapter is fuckin cookin man, thats INTERESTING STUFF HKJGG the phys chapter RAUGH. I LOVE YOU COACH YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY AND ALSO I FEEL EMOTIONS ABOUT YOU HKJG i love all of them really, if anyone wants details on a chapter in specific, hit up the ask box bro hgklj i don't have everyone down yet, but even if i don't i'll probably just use it to brainstorm hgkj <33

OKAY THAT'S ALL!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!!! i really love chatting about my fics, it just takes a lot to type it all out in words hkjgg i could ramble forever if anyone wanted to listen for that long hkjg ANYWAY THANK YOU CHEFS KISS

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

hi there lovely!!! i hope you’re doing well! i just got some rejections from some universities that i was hoping to get into. 😖 i have some acceptances but it’s really hard to be happy when i’m so focused on my failures. i was hoping you could write some comforting headcanons or a fic for tangerine. it doesn’t have to be specific but let me know if you would like any ideas. thank you so much! your writing is stunning and i aspire to reach your level of beauty every day! 🥰

hii honey!! noo im so sorry, it’s a really shitty feeling. im super proud of your acceptances, but im sorry they’re not the ones you wanted. hope this can be of some comfort to you, I did post this first incase you needed it sooner. you’re the sweetest☹️thanks for requesting, hope you like it 💌

HEARING BACK FROM UNIVERSITIES HCS.

— maybe you don't share the news right away so you keep it hidden. maybe you're embarrassed and disappointed and you don't want tan knowing just yet. but he notices the difference in you (bc it's tan)

— you won't tell him right away and when he asks you what's up, you say "it's nothing" but he's not an idiot. he'd give it a day or two and would ask again, “what is wrong?” but with more tough love. like he wants an answer from you this time

— you'd show him the letters and he'd skim over the letters. maybe you try to walk off, but he holds your hand to keep you there while he reads through them

— im in two minds about this, either: 1- he scrunches them up and says "who needs them?" "they out of their fucking minds?" "you're a great student. you work hard. you do well, why are they rejecting you?" "I'll go down there and give them a piece of my mind, and don't think I won't" like he tries to reassure you that you're better than your rejections, by making them seem irrelevant/ rubbish 2- he places it down, and kisses and hugs you, saying "you should be chuffed with yourself. you did good" "so proud. look at you, going off to uni" maybe he doesn't know why you're upset. he sees all the acceptances and thinks that's the reason you're sad. but then you say how you got rejected by your first choices, so he suggests reapplying for next year if you're sure that's the uni/ course you want. or he offers having a gap year (he can take a year off too)

— he takes you out to dinner to celebrate your acceptances and does everything he can to make those rejections feel a little less crappy. it might take time, but you'll get there. he's super proud btw

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

CKB hear me out. Haters will say it's fake but ....... blanche youngest child. The Victorian maid garb? He's tired of being in the shadows of those before him and is trying to set his own identity. Extreme violence? A big ol temper tantrum and cry for attention. I dare say i would lean on him being youngest child just because Lev fits the disaster middle child ALL too well 😮‍💨.

I see why some will say Lev as the youngest but i feel like he's suuuuch a middle kid like, even if he's stupid, he'd having a good time and that's all he cares about. I feel like youngests are actually more deceitful and tricky wheras middle kids are pretty true to themselves and more easygoing? Like them youngest kids are used to sneaking around and just so cunning, showing different faces (not unlike blanche who does a 180)

Like blanche, yves can also fit all 3 perfectly. He does kinda seem like the overstressed, overworked, will nag out of love, can never relax, will shoulder responsibility for you eldest child (i feel like eldest children also have a really clean aesthetic? Middle kids are either cozy wear or pop the Fuck off. And youngest kids are always flashy but in their own way and my god if that isnt blanche 💀)

Also i feel like eldest kids (yves) have a great fear or failure and losing things so theyre lowkey control freaks. Youngest kids (blanche) are oddly possessive and entitled like they think the last slice of pizza is their god given right. And middle kids (lev) are so used to losing things that they get obsessive over the things they do have, and a bit pathetic abt it if they feel it slipping away.

Youngest kid blanch really does seem like a big brat (but who cares) to me. Like he sees reader as his dead pet hamster that he accidentally squeezed to death trying to hug it but he refuses to believe it's dead so he keeps leaving food out for it and stroking it. Middle kid Lev sees you as a cute hamster and buys you cool wheels and a rolling ball and toys and sleeps with you in his bed. Eldest Yves will not allow anything to happen to pet hamster so he has a seperate temperature controlled room for it, homemade pellets, probably wipes hammies ass after it poops and everything.

This was just my random musing though and im excited to see what you end up making the order!!

Also i think i was ur 🐰 anon and i used to send in all those theories for language barrier LOL. Ummmmm the bunny thing *totally* didn't have to do with Lev, so, uh, don't tell Blanche, my latest hyperfixation 🤭 (or Cyprus because goddamn-)

🐰 anon

🐰 anon also said: Oh! Also feel like blanche would be a lot younger than the other two. Like modern au or whatever if they were all together, yves moved out when blanche was a kid (because he was independent) lev was never home bc he was always out and just kinda ended up living w one of his friends (never 'officially' moved out but he's living elsewhere) and followed the party life, and blanche was probably raised and spoiled by a family elder, making him feel like an 'old soul born in the wrong generation'. But hold onnn i didnt know therewas a blanche pt 2, lemme go read that and see if it changes things LOL 🐰 anon

🐰 anon also said: no blanche is actually so middle/youngest child coded it's insane bc i refuse to let go of middle child lev (actually i need to give bunny a reread before that too, and ofc more content on him when it comes out lol) but brooooo them youngest kids be weird as FUCK like, smth abt blanche feels like he's playing dressup, pretending and trying so hard to be this old fashioned adult gentleman, meanwhile yves actually is more calculated, composed and knows what to do for his shit. I actually initially thought of yves being the youngest but i feel like blanche being youngest fits so much better imo. Like blanche is just here to do his own shit, he's a bit selfish, and pushes for hinself. Yves puts his responsibility first and pushes for reader. Plus yves has that blonde mom in target drinking a coffee doing 3 hours of shopping in 12 minutes before her next hot yoga class and thats soooo eldest child coded. Idk something abt blanche as a person (not a character) seems so underdeveloped and child like in a disturbing yet innocent way? 🐰 anon

🐰 anon also said: "unromancable, unfuckable weirdo." No im sorry Blanche is actually the youngest child Bunny anon

Holy fuckin shit bunny anon always comign in with a banger , yess that's what im talking about them tasty brain chews i like i like

shid man like u really lay out their vibes and everything and even imagined them in modern AUs , presented evidence and cited your source like what the fuck this is such a good analysis like damn bro i fr appreciate the enthusiasm

Like all the stuff you sair fr made sense even to someone who has no siblings, its as if i had those little shits living in the same house as me and i observed the dynamic, like yeah damn Yves really fit the oldest child

Its really fitting cause if you think about it, they're all like centuries old or whatever and both Yves and Leveret are pretty youthful looking with no grey hairs- they went on their own quests to preserve their looks, Whereas Blanche is considered to be the most unkempt out of the three with his salt and pepper hair growing uncontrollably to the back of his knees, no manicures just natural long nails but he's still considered youthful cause ykno 50 year old looking man vs his actual 5 million year old age , but it just shows that he doesn't care about looking youthful as much as his older brothers

i notice the older siblings from other relatives and friends they tend to looksmaxx more than the younger ones. and they try to keep up trends, like Yves and Leveret is pretty modern whereas Blanche is fuckin ancient with his stuff, mannerisms and dressing up

and yes he is ironically the most immature (as in childlike) of them all, even tho leveret is like spontaneous and has his slipups, but damn bunny anon like ur analysis is always bangers like what the hell bro i love them and i love you

[phoenix-before-the-flame]

Im sorry im sot sure how to word this right but, how do you manage to change the characters race while still making them look like well, them? I've tried but it never comes out right.... they allways look like a new character when i try.... again im sorry to ask....

Tis not a problem at all dear comrade! I'm always happy to try and answer art questions, but just a heads up i might get a lil bit rambly in some spots so i do apologize beforehand.

First off, change that negative tone!

I understand how you feel and its easy to feel down when the piece isnt turning out how you picture it but that's ok. You're setting foot into new artistic territory, something you havent tried before thats still a fairly big unknown. Instead of seeing it as a failure see it instead as a step in your artistic growth. No one starts off god tier right? Changing your framing of how you see your 'bad' drawings can really help you see em in a more positive light (and help with motivation when you attempt something new another time!)

Ok but onto what you actually asked about. How do you change a character but still keep them the same? Well in my eyes to do this, you have to

Break down thedesign

Let's take in the character we wanna redesign. We gotta really look at their original design and identify all their relevant features and shapes that make them easily recognizable as them.

Lemme grab my assistant Gajeel to illustrate my point.

So we have our Gajeel, yea we know what he looks like but! What exactly are we looking for here? Well we're looking for the key features to his design, features important enough where if he had a completely different hairstyle and colour palette ( and perhaps even body type) would make you go 'yea that's gajeel'.

So in breaking it down we note that he has:

Triangular shaped eyes with a bit of a dark outline

Small eyes with slit pupils

Prominent cheekbones

Jacked up hairline

And of course the most noticable feature, the multiple piercings

These- to me- are the most important parts of his design so i leave them generally unchanged when i go about drawing him. Which means everything else is on the table to change!

Though for me when I got about my redesigns i focus on changing 3 things mostly- nose, lips and hair. These really push a race change design, specifically in this case, makin em black

Now of course with this you are going to change skin tone that's obvious but relying solely on colour palette change makes for a somewhat weak redesign. If you turn off the colour and you can't tell if the character is nonwhite then it needs some work.

Noses and Lips

Now there are a great many ways to draw wider noses and it can be a bit difficult figuring out to interpret em without em lookin janky but i find that less is more!

I only ever really show the base of the nose where the tip part is and the nostrils, the bridge of the nose is only ever shown in my style when the head is a bit turned.

The same goes with lips, you only really need about 2 or 3 lines at minimum to emphasizs thick lips- one for the actual lip line, one for the top lip and one for the lower lip. Some people choose to leave out the line for the bottom lip and thats fine. Just don't do this-

If you do that im putting you in the ground myself.

Hair

Hair is a bit of a 50/50 for me to change most times because i really enjoy drawing that spiky anime hair lol. But I think that the important thing to keep note of changing the hairstyle to a more natural one is to keep the overall silhouette of the hair recognizable.

The silhouette being y'know, the shape and all that. If you're a pokemon fan then you already know how much a silhouette builds recognition. So as an example, Juvia's first hairstyle was that straightened looke with the tight curls at the end. The shape of that hairstyle was mimicked by using braids with puffs at the ends to help with maintaining that silhouette.

Gajeel has very big, spiky and wild hair so I tried to mimick that with dreads

(Also to note with the Gajeel redesign is that his face is slightly wider with the features a bit lower but thats more of a liberty I took than anything hard and fast so dont even worry about that)

Again, if i am changing the hair then i try to follow the shape of the original design as closely as possible. Even with a design such as my Black Gray design with a vastly different hairstyle i still sketched out the shape of his og hair to maintain the overall spiky shape (with a few liberties lol)

So uh, yea! I think that's the most basic breakdown of how to go about doing a black redesign. Identifying the key design traits i think really is the most important step to do as it really helps to cement what's necessary to keep and what can or cant be changed.

But some other stuff to be mindful of when redesigning:

Refs naturally are your friend. If you have difficulty with interpreting irl refs then theres no shame in using someone elses art as a reference to help you to learn and understand (just no tracing!)

Please for the love of god use saturated browns for the skin tone. I cannot tell you how often i see designs with a gray-brown skin tone. It makes the character look ashy. Please don't make them ashy.

Also speaking of skin tones, be mindful of being accidentally colourist, where all your darker skinned characters villains or angry, loud, violent, sexual, etc. Not saying you can't redesign characters who have those traits to be dark skinned. But if all the characters you redesign to be dark skinned have those traits while others with more positive traits are lighter shades you may want to step back and do some reflection.

Don't be let down if you don't get a redesign on the first try! You don't see behind the scenes for other artists, it definitely takes a few tries to get it right so dont get hung up on it!

These are not hard and fast rules, just really what works for me and how I do things. If you need anything clarified better or wanna ask anything else feel free to! Happy redesigning comrade!

[talesofthedm]

Confessions

The bastard Astarion confessed his feelings on this playthrough sooner than I thought he would so I had to do research and take notes (i was already taking notes, lets be honest).

Anyway, this is my sleep deprived attempt at writing out the Act 2 romance confession. It combines dialogue from both the standard romance confession, the variant if you defend him from Araj, and also a really bad pun (I like puns. Astarion does not.)

Im definitely going to rewrite/edit this at some point when I start like actually writing out the full fic of my playthrough, but that's pretty much to remove some added context/change it out/not be sleep deprived when i edit.

There is a reference to a previous fic i wrote (here), but you don't need to read it for context (but I am here for the shameless plug).

Tav is Freya (she/her), Gloomstalker Ranger/Assassin Rogue. Brief description of a scar she has.

Excerpt:

Astarion buried his nose into her hair and breathed in, trying to memorize it all. The sound of her heart, the tickle of her breath, the smell of sweat and dirt and too-cold river water and whatever perfumed soap she used that was rapidly fading with the passing days. He laced his fingers at the small of her back, feeling the warmth of her skin from where it peaked under her shirt. He just wanted to hold her there, for a while… for an eternity if he could.

TW: brief mentions of just Astarion's past with... all that, and mentions of blood. No actual descriptions, just dialogue.

Gods, when did life become so complicated? They were no closer to finding a way to kill an immortal than before (which was to say, not at all). Instead, they found the entrance to some disgusting, fleshy pit that they all collectively looked and went ‘no.’ The only thing of note the entire day was that damned drow woman with her sultry voice that kept pushing and pushing and insisting… She had half a mind to help her spill some, seeing as how much she seemed to love blood.

She must have been pacing—stomping—back and forth and lost in thought when he called to her.

“Freya?” Astarion asked, tinged with worry. Perhaps he thought she’d have another breakdown, spend the next half day sleeping while they huddled in a corner trying to protect her unconscious body. “Do you have a moment? I think we need to talk.”

She was suspicious, to say the least. He was never one to “talk,” as much as it seemed that’s all he did. When she turned to face him it suddenly became a possibility. Dread. Horrible, gnawing dread at the base of her stomach. It was quiet and deafening at the same time.

He bounced on his feet, as if preparing to run and never look back. True true fear in his eyes.

She all but ran over. “Are you all right?”

“I, uh, wanted to thank you…”

And then she was confused. “For what?”

“For what you said while I was in front of that vile drow,” as if it was so obvious to say, so plain to see. She at least understood his disgust. “I spent two hundred years using my body to lure pretty things back for my Master—" She supposed, on a certain level, she knew. She’d seen the missing persons cases. She’d see the patterns.

But the tension in her body relaxed. There was no threat, no worry that she could soothe beyond watching him squirm at the very idea of a thank you. The corner of her mouth turned upward, enjoying his mild discomfort at having to deal with people.

“What I wanted, how I felt about what I was doing, it never mattered.”

And then it all came tumbling down again, further and deeper than before. Freya felt sick, felt guilty, felt wrong. Her mind shot towards the memory of her first night with him. The tieflings, the party, the shitty wine, and her stringing him along as he so blatantly tried to flirt with her. Let’s take a rain check, she said, once she had her fill of the vampire’s failure to get in her pants.

And then she did her rounds.

And then she talked to Halsin.

And then he told her there was no cure and the only hope was a perilous mission into the shadowcursed lands for a maybe and a hope.

And then the previous weeks’ worth of shit landed on her at once. She was angry and stressed and she needed to direct that somewhere. She wanted to get blackout drunk and hunt; to stalk and maim and rip out some unsuspecting animal’s throat with her bare teeth if it came to that.

And then she remembered Astarion standing there, bottle of wine in hand. What are you doing? He half demanded, half asked. It’s raining, she replied. She all but dragged him by the collar to the outskirts of camp and had him fuck her against the tree until she forgot anything but his name.

Her breathes came fast and shallow with each thought. Freya wrapped her arms around her torso, hoping to keep her meal down and hoping he would think she was simply crossing her arms as she was pulled back to the present situation. “I know,” she whispered.

“You… you knew?”

“I’m not dumb, Astarion.” Her eyes narrowed, believing him to be insulting her. She’d deserve it.

But he was simply dumbstruck. “And you still tolerated me? Still let me seduce you?”

“It was fun,” she shrugged—as if the simple motion could throw away the silence of camp and the churning feeling in her gut… She normally loved the silence. Why was now any different? “I slept with you because it was fun… the risk of death—the constant threat that if I blinked the wrong way or smacked my head in just the right spot that it would somehow—somehow dislodge the magic. That I’d be gone in an instant…

“It was fun. And it was mindless.” Freya blinked away tears before they fell.

Astarion stilled, a beautiful statue. The words he himself knew but had refused to think or say aloud…

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know…”

”Were…” She hesitated, scared of his response. She couldn’t look at him or even stand near him… but she also couldn’t run from him. “Were you even attracted to me?” Her fingers reached up of their own accord, tracing the edges of the burn across her cheek and nose. “Or was it all a lie?”

He laughed. He laughed. At her… at her disgusting face… Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. Of course she was a game. A pawn to be sacrificed and used the moment the opportunity arose. Her mind wandered to the game of Lanceboard Raphael and Mol had been playing. What was he guarding in exchange, she wondered. The worst of it was the timing. He had waited for now—when she was too tired to fight and scream and simply be angry—to do this.

Astarion watched, the slightest of smiles on his lips at the mere thought of that question. Was Freya, someone so deadly and terrifyingly aware of everything and everyone around her, truly this stupid? “Of course I was attracted to you. Look at you, for goodness’ sake!”

He reached out, gingerly taking her callused and scarred hand in his own. Freya was frozen in place, unable to meet his eyes until he lifted her chin to look at him. “You’re a vision,” he whispered. “And youre so much more than that…”

The whispered words. The softness in his eyes. The implication that she would forever and always be her own person where he was nothing more than a body to be picked over and used like carrion for harpies. She blinked away tears as rapidly as she could, refusing to let him see her like this. Losing.

Freya was suddenly very aware of the silence in camp. The passive noise—the rustling of sheets, of Gale’s quiet snores harmonizing with Karlach’s significantly less quiet buzzsaw, of Wyll’s tossing and turning as he failed to find a comfortable position that account for his new horns—it had all turned to bated breath.

The bastards.

Astarion averted his gaze from hers, it suddenly burning. He dropped the hand from her chin and instead used the energy to hold on to her even tighter. “I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what I want.

 “I care about you. Deeply. And—and I—I don’t know if I want a friend or—or a lover or—” he stopped himself, knowing full well that he started to ramble but was stuck vomiting the words that had been eating away at his brain more than the tadpole. “I just know I want you in it. In my life… Whatever that means.”

He was searching, pleading, begging for a response of any kind from Freya. Even if its rejection. Because anything is better than silence. Than waiting. That was the worst part; waiting for the mark, waiting for the starving pit in his stomach to dull enough to function, waiting for Cazador to drive the blade in and carve out his flesh.

Waiting for Freya to break the silence he knew she loved so much.

Freya took a tentative step toward him. He felt her arms snake around his waist and press herself into his chest. She was careful, a movement he would maybe mistake for hesitation and nervousness if he didn’t know her so long. It was like she thought him fragile, made of glass. That he would shatter the moment they moved—and perhaps he would.

That’s what he was really scared of, he realized. Her pitying him.

Even still, even for just a fleeting moment, he was willing to indulge. He was willing to accept the lie and just hold her there and pretend; like everything else in their relationship is. Was.

Astarion buried his nose into her hair and breathed in, trying to memorize it all. The sound of her heart, the tickle of her breath, the smell of sweat and dirt and too-cold river water and whatever perfumed soap she used that was rapidly fading with the passing days. He laced his fingers at the small of her back, feeling the warmth of her skin from where it peaked under her shirt. He just wanted to hold her there, for a while… for an eternity if he could.

He continued. “You could have asked me to do the same—to throw myself at her, what I wanted be damned. But… you didn’t. And I’m grateful.”

“I don’t want you to think you have to do anything you don’t want to…” she whispered into his shoulder, barely audible. “You make your own choices now—for better or worse”

He held her closer, speaking into the top of her hair. “It would have been so easy to bite her… To just go along with what I was being told to do. A moment of disgust to force myself through and then I could have just carried on, just like before!” He waved his hand in that flippant wave, a dead laugh bubbling up from his throat as if it was a humorous anecdote.

And then more silence. More waiting. More torture.

Freya tightened her hold around his waist, as if signaling her willingness to stay for a moment longer. “How often were you disgusted by your targets?”

“I tried to pick beautiful people where I could, but there were so many over the years. After a while you stop caring…

“My entire reason for existing was to seduce anything with a pulse. And every instinct I have tells me that nothing’s changed. That I’m still just a means to an end—!” His grip tightened more, bordering on painful but not quite. It wasn’t possessive. It wasn’t protective. He was desperate. Astarion shifted his weight, burying his head into the crook of her neck.

A few tears finally left Freya’s eyes. Guilt and sadness that she had made him feel this way—that she was no better than all the people in his life before her. A means to an end. A confirmation that he was nothing but a tool to be used and tossed aside at a moments notice.

“You made me see I never stopped thinking like I was still his slave, even in freedom. But I’m more than that… More than a thing to be used.”

Freya spoke as if compelled, not in control of her own voice or thoughts. She hated the silence now, and she would not let it exist. “I care about you.”

Astarion pulled away suddenly, his entire body tensed like a pressed coil. It left her afraid that she had said the wrong thing, that he would run into the shadows and never come back. “Really?”

What she didn’t expect were his eyes. Searching, pleading, begging once more. What made matters worse was the spark of hope in them. She didn’t want to lose it, squash it. She wanted to save it, keep it, make it shine as brightly as the sun he lost so long ago and only recently rediscovered… she wanted him.

He was already smoothing away the tears, just as he had done in the House of Healing. It was refreshing, the coolness of his skin against hers.

“You’re worth a great deal to me, no matter what you’re going through…” she spoke between sobs. “For as long as you need, no sex, no midnight romps. Nothing.”

Astarion couldn’t help but break into a smile, the tips of his fangs peeking out. “Ha! Well that almost sounds like a challenge…” It was absent minded, another flippant response to distract away from something.

But he was giddy. He felt… happy. The excitement overtook him, like he was suddenly privy to the greatest secret in Faerun. His chest felt lighter, fluttering. He could take her, spin her, sweep her away to the farthest corners imaginable and just be. No expectations. No script. No plans or threats or empty promises…

“Honestly, I have no idea what we’re doing.” He took one of her hands in both of his. “But I know this: this is nice…”

Freya wiped away the last few stray tears. “We could be an absolute disaster together…”

“I supposed it cannot be much worse than when you dropped a building on my head,” he chuckled, pulling her to him once more and resting his chin atop her head. “But you’re serious about this? About… us?”

“Dead serious.”

“Five seconds into this relationship and I already want to break up with you.”

Freya hummed into his shirt, pleased with herself.