#i judt wanna know what theyre doing

[flaskmop]

but if Endless Night is a new mcr single or album and it’s vampire themed, what then? huh? what are we gonna do about it…??????

[kusundei]

okay chat. slightly infuriated. i will back up this individual

HIGH HIGH HIGH. emphasis on their caption. like i get u fr. i WAS. this person too and it sucks sry but like seriously talking to someone who just cant help themselves is so tiring. im a hypocrite cuz i was this person and bless everyones souls who talked to me despite it but god? hello? sorry i know my experience isnt the same as everyone but u know ur not gonna get better if u dont try. ahain ji agree cuz of like, comfort in sadness, some people dont wanna get better, etc etc. but im just saying eventually u’ll have enough. this is morbid chat but if u havent killed urself by now then does thag not say something??? u’ll get tired. tired of hating urself and tired of being sad all the tome and depressd and hating ebrrything it will hit u ebentually. u people who say this just havent hit that point yet (and maybe some people just never will but thats a whole different discussion and not to add fuel to the fire but also maturity?)

like chat be mad all u want but thats judt kinda how it is. its not a savior complex usually it often comes down to just caring? wanting to help ur friends cuz theyre struggling? like the idea that yeah i dont have to help u but i want to because i care. for me it goes down towards that toxic empathy struggle again cuz i cant control that . i carw so soosososo much and its so sickening to me to see people hurting and okay. sure maybe i can stand back but you know like……. it sucks. just sayign. like now i kinda understand how it is coming from both sides and maybe this is a thing of selfishness cuz like “u shljld care more ab the other person!” but thgs what im doing??? i care so much ot makes me sick. its just like uuugh i have so much shit i cpuld say ab this but naaah im tired its jjst like… you’ll get there eventually and youll understand and if u dont? you’ll kill urself im being so fr. u will die in that hole bcuz thats where you’ve put urself

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

MACCC!! for the fanfic ask game thing. ummm i don't know a specific word 2 send but i am intrigued. eyes emoji. (<<on computer and do not want 2 look up emojis just to copy/paste one) what r u writing!!! what's ur fav passage in it so far!!!! i wanna hear abt ur writing!!!!

omg whiskey i forgot we were not mutuals while i was in my fanfic writing arc. omg. i have not written a fic since we became mutuals holy shit !!!!!! absolutelyly insane . ANYWAY i write about my ocs all the time and also silly little self indulgent stories that i dont share bc theyre just for me. BUT. CURRENLTY. i missed writing fics so i am in a months long hiatus of a fic for mission to zyxx which is a silly improv comedy podcast that i was super into right before i got into trigun !!!!!!!! its my beloved ever. however the trigun brain worms overtook me before i finished my fic and i have not gone back to work on it much :( i WANT to finish it tho bc the fandom is very small annnd i literally read every single fic in the ao3 tag in the span of like a week. i need 2 add to it.

ANYWAY basics of the fic (spoilers for mission to zyxx incoming !!) :

the main character has a bug egg laid in his eye and throughout all of season 2 it just grows in his eye and makes it look all fucked up until the s2 finale where the egg hatches and another character pulls his eye out before the bug makes his head explode. << its not as fucked up as it sounds bc this is a full comedy podcast so everything is played for goofs and this moment only lasts a total of like 6 seconds but i am a sucker for body horror especially when it involves gross bugs so !!! i am judt rewriting that scene with my own headcanons ans making it scary and emotional 😌 hi my names mac ghostiezone and i love horror and gay people.

I HAVE TO REREAD MY ENTIRE WIP TO FIND A PART TO POST i cant believe ur making me do this (<< THANK U I HAVE NOT LOOKED AT IT IN WEEKS) apologies in advance for my setup i like 2 write on my phone in the middle of the night so my google docs is in perma-darkmode:

<< we love an alien mind contrrol parasite that makes a usually cowardly docile character behave like a monster 😌😌😌😌

[straykats]

1. do not enjoy yhe fact that i cant even try styles/things i wanna try bc it doesnt conform to how im perceived by others and ik thats not necessarily anyones faukt and its more my mentsl barrier for now but >:'(

2. tw body image / utc

do not enjoy the fact that i feel like certain styles only suit certain people but that could also be argued as just the media's over rep of specific people ?? like i ideslly wsnt the hyunjin hair and i want a few more esr piercings and a few more tats and i wanna try dressing a specific way to see how i feel dressing that way but i feel like i wont suit those styles bc the people i see rocking those styles are thinner than me and i dont think i have a body img problem but then it comes to this im like 'oh but it wont suit me bc im not that thin/my face is a bit too round etcetc' and like i literally dont cwre half the time like im not unhappy with how i am and my current style etc yknow but its those times where im like oh i wanna try this !! but then im like hmmmdmjxndjsjsjs

abd yeah like. the furst point. im seen as this like completely innovent and reserved and perfect okdest chikd/first/oldest duaghter figure and like i feel like i need to continue conforming to that and that includes in how i dress and present myself? like dying my hair alone (i booked my appt btw!) is scary bc idk hoe my family will react. i hide my tattoo dtill from all thr adults.

and this conformity thing applies to froends too? like. first time i showed a bit of skin/wore a lower-ríe top or drop top and some of them are like. idk like some of them 'hype me up' ig but some people. i know they dont mean it in a bad way but i judt it makes me feel like acting different is risky or weong and i KNOW thats now what they meant, theyre just surprised im doing something 'not like me' ?? like even if i grab a second drink/shot, to this day, people are still like :0 and idk i just

like a style i really wanna try is the lingerie/bra under a loose button up?? like I reckon I ưould feel SO sick in that but im too scared to try it bc its 'not me' yknow and people woll look at me and 🤨🤨🤨 and not necessarily in a bad way but ???

idk like part of all rhis might iust be bc i dont like drawing attention to myself and all these changes WILL draw attention to myself bc theyre changes and they different? idk id that makes sense

[wittyworm]

How does it feel to be the driving force behind yugioh's most underrated ship

its PAIN.....

BUT i have honestly seen A LOT more people becoming open to it and it actually becoming a favorite of theirs cause its /just that good/

also im not the only one! they dont have tumblrs, but pleaseee please check out @ikenobeto on twitter. theyre one of my favorite artists and their page is dedicated to otogi and jonouchi / snareshipping. they are a huge part in how i came to love the two together

also my friend @m0k0m2d ! youll probably recognize their beautiful otogi art but they have some really sweet snare pieces as well 🥰💚🍀💛🎲❤

[denkilightning]

i hate fics where you can like 100% know they never seen c! george in action in their lives (/nm). cus theyre gonna be like 'oh yeah c! george was mad at c! dream for blowing up lmanberg/manipulating people/what he did to the kids' like??? since when?????

on november 16th they were building a house and their reaction to was "lmanberg is gone. [unimpressed pause] let me go check it out." and when they got there they were simply confused. a direct quote "yeahh... i got a nether star! oh! and flowers! i need those <3". then they saw some leftover tnt and asked if they can join on blowing shit up and blow it up with his bow and c!techno was like "no its my bow" and c! george was like "ughhhh finee ill find my own". also they were all laughing with george at the fact. then after that they were like "... do you guys wanna check out the house i was building?" and they were happier than ever when their boys reacted to the cottagecore house,

i think they were asleep during doomsday and when they stumbled upon the lmanhole they laughed about it with c! dream,

he lies to people for fun (a thing they very strictly get from cc! george) and im like 100% sure theyd manipulate people for fun if they saw the slightest reason to (dont tell me they wouldn't like cmon on its c! george)

their first reaction to c! dream building a wall around new lmanberg was getting rlly worried where c! dream got all the obsidian from and like, supporting every decision c! dream seemed fit and even then when c! dream was going off how their house got destroyed they went "yeah i already fixed cus you guys cant even grief properly, i still want you to get punished"

even when c! sapnap told them c! dream didn't care about either of them c! george judt went "...sure jan" (/meme).

the only reason c! george left c! dream is cus c! dream tried to manipulate them like anyone else, and even it was more cus cc!dream was panicking cc! george was mad about dream dethroning him (like one of two reasons we dont have dream and george interacting in canon a lot is cus theyre like too emotionally attached to each other to even pretend like theyre mad at one another). c! dream compromised their safety and then tried to pin the blame on c! george? c! george is out the door.

like that is a person who saw a god and went "...i guess" and then proceeded to try to manipulate it and established their boundaries without a second of questioning it.

tldr: c! george cares about exactly two things: a) their safety b) their family (most of the feral crew), and nothing else. and it shows when authors of fics dont know that and it's exhausting.

[pathologising]

hey angel, i hope this is okay to ask, i just wanna know if you have any tips on like.. spotting medical professionals who are unsafe to talk to or are uneducated about PDs? im almost certain i have one but im terrified of going to a doctor about it cuz ive already faced a ton of ableism from doctors before sO kdsajhjdsa -🍞

any doctor that shows any distaste when talking about low empathy is a red flag to be honest. Any professional that is also unwilling to listen to your concerns irt your own behavior and emotions is also a concern in general but a lot of the time you have to kind of ??? Phrase it correctly when talking to them I literally cannot explain it but being careful with your wording is important to send the correct message. Saying "I think I have xyz" is off putting to any professional good or bad because they do sometimes see people who do believe they have something based off very little knowledge /a 5 minute google search and unfairly write anybody who's genuinely done their own research in order to find out how to cope with something they don't have a name for, so you could say something like "I am struggling with [insert description of a unique symptom of your situation]."

I also think its good to go in with a mindset that you can be absolutely wrong but so can a professional. Be an advocate for yourself (easier said than done) but also be willing to have a lengthy discussion. If they write you off immediately I wouldn't vibe with that tbh BC I think a good professional is willing to do just as much listening as they do talking!!

Also remember that they are seeing you from the outside! They don't know you and are learning about you through every communication, and with pds theyre complex as hell and some symptoms are similar to other disorders. Also they might be seeing something you aren't, because we often think we know ourselves but sometimes my doctor will point out something and I'll be like damn OKAY WOAH.

I hope this makes sense omg but the whole process in general has to be a mixture of trusting your gut, knowing that while sure you can be incorrect...your professional can also be wrong especially if theyre just throwing shit out within like 4 sessions lol !!! but also I wouldn't recommend going in looking entirely for a diagnosis but also focus on treating the symptoms as ur main thing !! A label is nice because it puts a name to whst you're expeirencing, but judt because you've received the acknowledgement doesnt mean you're symptoms are being properly treated !!! Talking abt what ur going thru and having a doctor who KNOWS what to do to help is tantamount in my opinion and if your doctor seems like they have no idea what can be done to help you I'd dip

But also remember theres no cut and dry way to go about this !! This is all my philosophy and influenced on my person experience in the system (and I'm also not a professional myself duh) but it may not work for you or fit into your experiences <3 you judt kinda gotta see what happens n advocate for urself n see what works for u Ig ! Other people might also have tips n philosophies and ideas so don't be afraid to ask about other peoples experiences and stuff

[queencryo]

@silly-go-round is asleep right now.

i guess i should make a journal for the past few days. as good a time as any. as AMY. heh. cuz shes super good and amazing. heh.

uh...... lessee.... for the two days after the last journal i just. hung out at the house while silly worked. i managed to not keep her in bed and make her late the second day. hung out a lot, watched more adventure time, worked on my tumblr filter script (lie. i judt ran it on my main. 200 posts / day is a bitchhhh) , played a good amount of ds3 (to pointof tetris effect at a couple points the nexg few days)

also did some like. helpful tasks. washed some dishes (undone quicklu, but. eh). not enough, mot as much as i shouldve, but... i tried i guess.

alao we've like. said the same thing at the dame time a Lot while ive been here and its like. nice. its really nice. same wavelength! i feel so close go her.

oh! alxo night before last we went grocery shoping. got food for prolly enoygh for the two weeks, but i guess we'll see. also a cheesecake! it was.... echausting. hily fuck it was exhaysting. jesus. the store was big and it took like 3 hours and $200 to get everything but. we did itttt.

we both mentionef that like. it felt nice to like. have a full fridge 2gether. cuz. it feels like were gonna have a futjre togetjer? u know. like that is. i love her a lot and it feels good for this to feel like a home for a little while. we hope that it can be so in tbe future.

so YESTERDAY she finally FINALLY taught me how to play magic the gathering. it was. a long time coming. but she brought me into the store and like. sat me down w some regulars and had me play commander. i played moooostly her snake deck, so like.that was fun!! i kept talki g about how i woulda gotten lorescale Coatl up to 39/39 and flying, had i like. gotten q more turn. but on that game D was running a mill deck that was. extremely long to play (that game took like ~>2 hours ugh), and was very bery annoying, so i didnt get to actually do that.

but it was fun! part of me wants to blog everything, but i dont think i will.

im glad to be able to use silly's decks, bc i dont think i want to make my own. im considering making a cheap angel deck or smth, but we'll see if yhat actually ends up happening.

i also met her girlfriend Iz, who is sweet. i played magic w her fkr a while, which was fun! she was runni g an annoying mono black deck (i kkow all these... these Terms and Words now, its incredible...)

shes sweet and i think i like her. dunno if enough to date yet (which makes me Partially regret flirting w her so much in the groupchat but. hey)

talked w her some, mostly about magic, hung out while silly closed the store, pet her cat, silly discovered that cyddling w TWO girlfriends is very nice (not rhat id know ;;;;;;;), was good times. i dont think im as comfy w izzy physically yet as i may have implied in messages, which hopefully wull be rectified by the message i just sent her (my initial physical comfort with people varies, it depends very much on the person)

skip forward, me and silly make a pizza at home cuz were fuckin tired, she admonishes me for not eating for uh... like 11 hours or smth (that mornings bagel was VERY good tho omg), but adderall, so like... meh.

uh... i dont think anything else on yesterday...

today! we waaamted to go to the store at like. 2. but in actuality got there at like! 330.

i went back to sleep cuz im a losenerd, and she. made this breakfast casserole thing. which hse put into a bagel abd brought to me bc i guess shes the best person on the entire earth oh my GOD. jesus

skip... apparently she knows maximum the hormone and doesnt like them very much... fair fair. (cause for xeath)

came to the store agai. tofay. it was fun and good. iz didnt come in today, do played some more with regulars. played w what is apparently called a blink deck, which revolvea arounf exiling cards then immediately bringing them back, to capitalize on "when this enters battlefield, do smth" cards. neat!

i DID actually manage to win today!!! the victory was. literally handed to me, but like. thats fine! i was playing silly's uhhh... elintor the masked? idr her name :( the mask planewalker! deck, which. i had SO much land, most of wh8ch was enchanfed. meaning it could be tapped then untapped w eljntor's thing, then tapped again for DOUBLE MANA. i mean. i had like 9/turn even b4 that but. BUT. i also had. i think i drew 3 creatures total. bit anyway. i had the white card that gave me a life whenever a creature was put on tge board (and also, w another enchantment, made all non-me creagurss and enchantments enter the board tapped, so. nya). so... rob had a card what dealt one damGe to all other players whenevr he puta. creature on the board. then he played united forces, which lets each player commit X mana to create X 1/1 soldier tokens on all players' boards. so. we made 28 white soldier tokens on everyones board. this killed perry, ans gave me, uh. 56 life (84 - 28). i then attacked ron for 28 w the soldiers, and drew sacred mesa, which lets me sacrifice 2 mana (1 any color, 1 white, but i had so many cards that said "this land can instead be tapped for 2 of any color, so like. ueah) to create a 1/1 flying pegasus token. so i. ended the game w 44 white 1/1 tokens. goblins get fucked.attack w my ssoldiers cuz his were tapped, so brought him down to 7 life. i didng catch what he did w the enchantment, but i think he said he like. put a copy of every creature on my side of the board onto his board, and then. cipying that enchantment 3 times. so. holy FUCK. wow. BUT those all came in tapped and i had 18 flying yokens, so. i still won! yay!!!! i won a game of magic!!!!!

goblin decks scare me. stop running krenko you fucks. exponential goblins goddamn

silly would come by every so often and like. look over my dhoulder and say "oh that was dumb whyd u use fabricate for thay" which is fair. but also god i love her. (i used fabricate for a mana generator insteaf of lightning greaves. whateverrrr) i love her so much dear god. i wish i coukd help w the store more, but. on the same time i also. dont enjoy working. so. maybe part time.

hm. what ekse. oh yeah i kove her so much.

by the end of the night it was just. me and her, rob and the two regulars i started out llaying w yestwrday. theyre sweet, i like them. theyre married. the dude calls me honey smtimes, which is. kinda weird? dunno how i feel about that. i guess fine. its gender-nice, but still a lil uncomfy. otherwise i like em fien, though. but they talked abouy moving into sillys apt. so thats cool!! better than her current (awful, terrible, lazy / horrifically depressed / manchild roomate, who doesnt clean ever) roomate. i was reading the monster of the week gamebook thruout, which i... bought, for some reason. idk. oh also i wanna make a fallen angel divine, because im... predictableeee. also a conspiracy thworist whos just a trans woman w way too much time and really weird hobbies (throwing knices, butterfly knife, net friends, etc). also a spooky. i speny like. 3 hours reading thr7 the monster of the week book while ppl played magic around me. i kinda wish i hadnt bought it, but hey! its neat c:

oh, also i didnt take adderall today. i dont think it went toooo bad, i think i like. was meaner and less thohghtful with what i said, but like. i guess thats better than feared. i took a caffeine pill (200mg) at ariund 10 which is. prolly why im wide awake right now. i regret doing that, sincr from what shes said tmos gonna be big)

she says we gotta be at her moms by 4, for reasons she WONT TELL ME. bit she says its part of one of her plans, i ASSUME the romantic one? im kind of afraid that ill like. no-sell it unwillingly because im abroke and soulless human being, but uh. i guess rhats thw risks we take to be alive :shrug: im excited. were also going to a shop (diff one) tmo, which im Quite excited for, as ive only been in similar shops by accident before. also doing laundry!!! which is important ^_^

oh ysah. so we got white castle on the way home. its. yeah she was r8ght. mediocre-at-best sliders. onions are bad.

we also made a pizza. whifh i ate most of. i overate. sob.

she fell asleep halfway thry an episode of nailed it. cant blame her, she seemed really tired. i hipe i dont disturb her rwst. and i feel so utterly blessed thay i can be around her.

ih!! i also fell down the last few staies ywstersay. bruised my arms, but otherwise fine. it was. idk, it is nice to knoe that others worry fir me and like me. she was very concerned. i love her.