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doc-pickles · 4 years

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grow as we go

this fic is sponsored by Nat (one of the Group Chat members)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAT! If there’s anything this girl loves it’s fluff and Jolex babies. So that’s exactly what I delivered for her special day!! I hope you enjoy this and just know WE LOVE YOU!! (and Pepper but mostly you)

This fic takes place early season 15 while Alex is chief and Jo is doing her Mass Gen fellowship. Hope you guys like this fluffy fic! :)

Alex Karev loved being chief. He loved being the big man in charge and he loved Grey Sloan. He loved his coworkers and he loved helping sick kids everyday. What Alex did not love, however, was being away from his wife. They’d been married just three months ago and he’d only been able to spend three weeks of that time with Jo before she left for Boston to start her fellowship at Mass Gen. Between her long hours working in the lab and his hectic new schedule, neither had found time to visit. They talked everyday and Skyped every Friday, but he missed having Jo next to him every night.

Alex’s path into his office was interrupted by Nancy, his secretary, letting him know that he had files or budgets or something to look over, causing him to let out a groan.

“Nancy, I told you I will get to it, but I have to call my wife,” Alex motioned to his phone as he backed into his office. “You know the woman who I married that lives clear across the country? The one I talk to at this time everyday? Give me thirty minutes.”

A sigh left Alex as he closed his door and sunk down into his office chair. He dialed Jo’s number and sat in silence until she picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me,” Alex spun in his chair, brows furrowing as he listened down the line. “You sound out of breath, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just ran up the stairs to my apartment, I’m good,” Jo paused and sucked in a breath, before returning to her normal voice. “Sorry, I didn’t realize what time it was. How’s your day been?”

“Long and boring. I had two meetings and I wanted to stab my eye out with a pen during both,” Alex could hear Jo’s laugh from the other end, his heart aching at the all too familiar sound. “I miss hearing your laugh everyday, I miss you being in our bed.”

He tried his hardest not to bring up the distance between them, mainly because Alex knew things were much easier for him than they were for Jo. He got to stay in Seattle where they’d built their life while she lived on the other side of the country by herself.

“My fellowship won’t last forever babe. Besides, we vowed for worse or for better right?”

“I know, it’s hard to think about when you’re not here next to me though.”

“Well I’m hoping to get some time off soon, then I can fly home for a bit,” a sigh escaped Jo and Alex couldn’t help but lean forward, anticipating her next words. They were filled with tears and he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around his wife. “I miss you so much Alex, I hate Boston and I wish I were still in Seattle.”

“You said it yourself, we’ll see each other soon. If you can’t make it out here then I’ll take some personal leave and come see you,” Alex ran a hand over his face as he helplessly listened to Jo crying. “I’m sorry babe, I’ve been so overwhelmed with this new position that I haven’t even had a second to think about coming out there.”

“Don’t say that, you’re doing important work. I’m sorry, my mind has just been all over the place lately,” Jo sighed then, signalling that she was done crying. She did it every time she wanted to move on and Alex felt like she was right next to him when she did it. “I’ve gotta go babe, but I’ll talk to you soon, okay? I love you.” “I love you too Jo,” Alex hung his phone up, eyes taking in the large office and the nice view he had of the hospital from the panoramic windows.

Alex loved his job, but he’d trade everything he had and more to have his wife in his arms again. With one last look, he stood and left the room, flicking the lights off as he walked out the door.

Alex didn’t make it back to his office until mid afternoon the next day, meetings and consults keeping him busy through the morning. His mind was still heavy from hearing Jo yesterday, even though they’d both texted before going to bed later that night. He knew he’d been distracted all morning, not paying enough attention to anyone that was talking in his general direction.

“Chief, you have-”

“Nancy, not now, please,” Alex paused outside the door to his office, giving his secretary a pointed look. “I’m not in the mood, maybe after I call my wife I’ll be able to do whatever mundane task it is that you have for me today.”

“But sir that’s-”

“Not now! And can you please clear off a week sometime in my schedule? I need to go to Boston.”

Alex opened the door to his office, flicking the lights on and cocking his head to the side as he took in the sight before him. Alex rubbed his eyes, making sure he wasn’t seeing things as he stared at the woman who had been occupying his mind.

“Hi there.”

“Jo?”

More real than anything he’d been through since he got off the phone with her the day before, Jo sat on the couch in Alex’s office, a small smile creeping up onto her face that made her cheeks glow brightly. Alex couldn’t move from his spot in the doorway, his heart beating out of time as he watched Jo stand from the couch. She was dressed in leggings and one of his oversized flannels that she’d stolen when she left, probably what she’d worn on her flight here.

“I didn’t want to say anything until it was all straightened out, but I left my fellowship,” Jo held her hands up, stopping Alex from intervening as she walked towards him. She shut the door behind him before coming to stand in front of Alex, eyes meeting his tenderly. “I know you’re gonna tell me I shouldn’t have left for you or whatever crap you’re going to say, but I promise I have a really good reason for coming back.”

“Jo you shouldn’t have come back just for me,” Alex was happy to have his wife here but he didn’t want her to sidetrack her career for him. “We can make the distance work, I’ll take a sabbatical and come to Boston with you. I don’t want you giving up on your dreams because of me.”

“Alex,” Jo grabbed his hand then, Alex looking on in confusion as she pulled him closer to her and settled his hand on her stomach. The normally flat and toned area was now rounded and growing, Alex’s eyes going wide as he looked up to see Jo’s megawatt grin. “I didn’t just up and leave for no good reason. I know we could’ve made it work but I really couldn’t stay away any longer.”

“You’re here.”

“Yes I am.”

“And you’re pregnant?”

“Did you listen to anything I said?”

“I heard it all but I’m still not convinced that I actually got out of bed this morning,” Alex placed his other hand on Jo’s hip and brought her closer to him, his left hand still placed firmly on her baby bump. “When the hell did this happen?”

“Mmm remember the shed,” Alex let a laugh out then, watching Jo for any sign that she was joking. “Hate to break it to you but we definitely made a baby in that shed.”

Leaning down, Alex caught Jo’s lips with his, her arms coming up to wrap around his neck. Having his wife in his arms again was better than he could’ve imagined, especially finding out that she was having his baby.

“I only found out three weeks ago because I’m completely clueless and thought the mood swings and the missing period were because I was stressed out and I missed you,” Jo’s eyes were glassy as Alex let his hand rub her back gently. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I wanted to tell you in person, here, at home. Because I don’t wanna leave again, Alex.”

Alex took in his wife, her puffy eyes and glowing face, the way one hand instinctively floated down to cradle the curve of her stomach. Her breasts were fuller, he could tell even through the layers of clothing she wore, and she’d cut her hair shorter again. Once he took a good look at her, he realized just how much Jo had changed in the short amount of time she’d been gone.

“I’m not letting you go anywhere. I’ll even talk to the chief to get you a job here,” Jo let out a laugh at his comment as Alex let his hand wander under the shirt she was wearing, fingers brushing over her bare skin and the swell signaling the new life growing there. He was going to be a dad. “I’m glad you came back, I missed you.”

“You don’t know the half of it, I cried myself to sleep the past week because I was so hormonal on top of missing you,” Jo trailed her fingers up to the knot of Alex’s tie and began to loosen it. “Thankfully for you I’m past all my first trimester aches and pains and all I really want is you.”

Alex’s eyebrows shot up as he took in the lust filled look on Jo’s face. She was undoing the buttons of his shirt now, fingers slipping under the fabric to run her nails over the smooth skin there.

“Well I think since my loving wife has finally come home, I can take the rest of the day off,” his words did nothing to stop Jo though, her lips trailing to his neck as Alex’s eyes involuntarily shut. “Or we can christen the couch in here since you don’t seem to want to stop.”

At his words, Jo began to pull him backwards, pushing his white coat off with a smirk. Before she could get her hands anywhere else, Alex quickly shut the blinds to his office, turned back to Jo and brought her in for a searing kiss. They collapsed onto the couch in a fit of laughter, hands moving greedily over each other as they made up for lost time.

Alex did like being chief, he loved this hospital and his coworkers, but he was absolutely certain that nothing in his life was better than having his wife and their baby back home with him.

#jolex #jolex fanfic #jo x alex #jo karev #jo wilson #alex karev #grey's anatomy #grey's anatomy fanfic #grey's fanfic #nina writes

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iamwhelmed · 5 years

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Homesick: Chapter 3

This is where shit starts hitting the fan, ladies and gents... or at least starts the very clear, direct path leading right into the fan.

Summary: Raven finds herself carrying Beast Boy's child and struggles with the fear of losing him and the impending responsibility of being a mother; Starfire finds Robin in a precarious position with another woman. The two leave the tower to live on their own for awhile, just to figure things out. Beast Boy and Robin may be losing their minds, and Cyborg tries to keep everyone together.

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She couldn't eat certain foods anymore, maybe even smell them for that matter. There was a list of things Baby wanted far, far away from Raven's mouth, and that list seemed to get longer every day. By the second month, she'd knocked: shrimp, pickles, meatloaf, anything fried, anything dairy-related, and much to Starfire's disappointment, mustard. By the third month, she'd stuck to eating toast and bananas.

She wasn't showing much, but she certainly felt like her stomach had expanded well beyond its normal width, and Starfire said that she could feel the bump when she hugged her. She wasn't looking forward to waddling everywhere, but at least the morning sickness had begun to subside. Starfire, despite being depressed, borderline out of her mind, was still warm to be around, and when Starfire was near, Baby seemed a little less willing to make her life difficult.

Somewhere in the first month, she'd nabbed a job at a bookstore that doubled as a hipster coffee shop. It was easy work, simple, and it didn't require her to move very much, which was good because Baby had started to use her bladder as a trampoline when it found her exercise excessive. People recognized her, more often than she'd like, asked her why she'd taken up a job when Titans Tower was pretty much government-sanctioned. She'd bestow them with her best glare, a look Starfire had told her "had only grown in ferocity" in the first trimester. That was enough to scare virtually anybody dumb enough to ask, and when it didn't, she'd concede and say "Saving up."

Starfire, on the other hand, was a very ditzy waitress, but nevertheless she was Starfire, and when people weren't starstruck enough to deal with the poor service, they were smitten enough with her to ignore the mixed up order altogether. She'd gotten a better hang of it come the second month, and by the third she did a pretty standard job. She liked her coworkers, and she liked the view from the second-story restaurant, where she could watch the sunset over Jump City. She liked her customers and she liked her boss (the feeling was a little more than mutual on his end, she was not naive to the way he eyed her when he thought she wasn't looking). She liked living with Raven and being at peace.

But she missed her friends.

She missed Cyborg's uproarious "BOOYAH", the way he could go on for hours about his newest inventions, the meals he cooked for the team with such love she swore she could taste it, and it made every dish all the better. She missed Beast Boy, despite not understanding what had transpired between him and Raven. She missed his giggles when he'd pulled a prank, she missed his jokes and puns and the way Raven shot them down. She missed how he and Cyborg would argue incessantly every morning over meat or tofu, and how they'd stay up easily past midnight beating each other at video games.

But most of all, even though she was hurt, even though she felt like somebody had strangled her over and over, leaving her just on the brink of death each time when she thought of him, she missed Robin. She missed his smile, warm and comforting, a smile she swore he reserved for her, because she rarely saw it elsewhere. It was the smile he gave her when he broke open her chrysalis, when he'd told her that he didn't care about how she looked. She missed the way he made her feel, the gentle way he'd kiss her, the way he placed his hands at her jaw and dipped down to brush his lips against hers, as though asking for permission. From there he'd grow more determined, and she often found herself lying awake at night imagining the passion, remembering how he'd press his forehead to hers and smile, how she'd nuzzle him before he dipped back down and captured her lips once again.

But then she'd remember long, bare, silky legs wrapped around Robin's, the way his arms shuddered and pulled that stranger closer in the cold breeze, remembered how his nose buried itself in an unfamiliar woman's hair. Then she'd imagine his lips on someone else's, more desperate than the way he kissed her, imagine the way he'd probably gripped at her hips, the way she'd probably clawed at his back, the way he probably breathed in her ear, whispered that he… loved her.

Then Starfire, she didn't have the strength to muster up anger. She could only feel empty, like there was a weight in her head that wouldn't go away and a hollow hole in her chest that reached down into her stomach. She wasn't hungry much these days, which was probably better for their pockets and for Raven's nausea.

The pregnancy, aside from each other's company, seemed to be the one constant that kept the two of them going. There was a goal in sight, and it was taking care of that baby until it was matured enough to join the world of the living. It was a relief that it was the one thing going right most days. Raven seemed healthy. Aside from the bump, the two of them had to go shopping, as Raven's undergarments were not quite fitting as they should anymore. The growing fatigue worried her, but Raven assured her that it was typical of a woman far along as she was. Most days consisted of the two of them going to work, often on alternating schedules (the difference between a waitress's schedule and a bookstore clerk's schedule were stark), before returning home at varying periods of the evening to eat and pass out on their respective beds. It wasn't a bad life just an- uninteresting one.

Starfire curled up under her covers, remote in one hand and her sheets in the other, pulled up to her chin as she waited with heavy anticipation for the return of her new favorite sitcom: "Meet the Grobgooks". That was not a nice word on her home planet of Tamaran, not that the people of earth would know; it merely added to her level of amusement. The channel had cut to commercial break, and Starfire was learning to feel the absence of the tower's recording system. She moaned and turnt her head back so that it thudded against her bedpost. "These commercials are most infuriating! I wish to see this week's conclusion, please!"

"Star, the only way these people make money is by selling you products," Raven glanced over the edge of her novel at Starfire's pouting face "and placing as many commercials as possible between one show and the next is how they do it."

Starfire's pout became more pronounced, then she raised her blankets so the bottom half of her face was hidden from view, eyes leveling the television with a heat matched only by the sting of her starbolts.

The fourth commercial faded in, a small suburban home in a quaint little city, grass as green as envy, house as big as a small southern estate, picket fence as straight as a line. "A house isn't just a house." Raven snorted, and Starfire yawned. "It's teaching him how to mow the lawn." It cut to a father on a riding mower, son in his lap as they slowed eased around their massive yard. "It's making messes, and the memories that come with them." It cut to a mother, long hair tied into the sloppiest bun, helping her little girl roll dough as they laughed at the flour covering their chins. "When you live in Jump City Greens, you're home." It cut to the family laying in bed together on an early morning, maybe mid-afternoon, soaking up the warmth of the sun and each other. They snuggled up together as they turned through what appeared to be a family album, daughter curled into her father's chest, son climbing over his mother's curvy waist to get onto the bed between his parents. Starfire smiled to herself, wondering if she'd ever, perhaps, have something so human.

Then the lamp exploded.

Starfire yelped and stood up on her bed, fist raised, though she couldn't find a starbolt. "Raven-!"

"Sorry."

Raven clutched her book to her chest, eyes wide as the bits and pieces of the lamp floated between them, hovering amid her black aura. Starfire raised an eyebrow. "Um… did you… do that?"

"I- I guess so."

"Raven…" Starfire lowered her fists, but raised an outstretched hand to Raven's retreating form, watching as she subconsciously inched toward the edge of her bed. The lamp pieces drifted to lay on the nightstand, aura diffusing slowly. "You are" she paused, contemplating whether or not she was about to be insensitive, but one look at Raven's face told her that nothing she said could make things worse "...crying."

"What?" Raven gasped, reached frail fingers to brush at the bone of her cheek, tips pulling away wet with salt. Sure enough, she felt what must have been the dam of her control breaking, because her eyes flooded so quickly with such vehemence that she was momentarily frozen in place. Somewhere behind her, the motel's complimentary hair dryer raised on its own, combusting in midair above the sink, which was quaking down below by the pipes.

"Raven! What is the matter?"

"I- I don't know! I can't stop it!"

The medicine cabinet slammed open, and the faucet head sprung clean off the sink. Raven took quick, shallow breaths, raising a hand to grasp at her chest. She had to calm down. Starfire cautiously jumped down from her bed, coming forward to press her hands to Raven's cheeks. "There must be something I can do-!"

"H-How can you help me w-when I don't even know what's wrong?"

Once again, her powers must have knocked the shower curtain clean off of the wall, because there was a loud clamoring from behind the closed door. The TV began flickering on and off, switching to a new channel each time the screen came back alive. Stop. Stop it. You need to have more control than this! "Azarath… Metrion… Zinthos... " Starfire kneeled down in front of her. "Azarath. Metrion. Zinthos." Her pillow lifted itself to the ceiling, vibrating for a moment before it exploded, showering Raven and Starfire in old and worn feathers. Raven winced, squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. What could have possibly set her off like this? A villain with mind manipulation abilities? A drug dose hidden in the air with a complicated gas? "Azarath-!"

"Raven."

Strong arms pulled her into a tight hug, providing her body with an instantaneous warmth she hadn't known she was lacking. Her eyes bulged out of her head, snapping open as Starfire's natural snugness began to completely overtake her like a wall of crashing debris. Feathers dotted across their skin, brushed against their heads and floated on the gust of the air conditioner to the bed and motel floor. She shivered, and Starfire's hold tightened. Starfire rubbed her shoulder with one hand. "I am here for you. Please, do not hold back."

And so she didn't. Raven's eyes welled with a fresh wave, and part of her was disgusted because she thought the biggest crests had passed, and yet…

She shut her eyes again and buried her head into Starfire's shoulder, breathing in the familiar smell of the shampoo they'd mutually decided was cheapest. It flooded her senses, breathed new air into her lungs, forcing out the air she hadn't known was stale. Starfire reached up and ran her fingers through her hair, detangling her thin strands carefully, gently. Raven huffed and her chest trembled, breathing staggered as her tears ran through the crevices of her lips. Starfire shushed her, but otherwise said nothing. Azarath. Metrion. Zinthos.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but somewhere along the way, the television had turned back on and stayed on the original channel. The Grobgooks once again lit up the screen with their varying character molds, and the sink had turned itself off. Raven took a few more deep breaths, repeating her mantra in her mind like it was the only string of sanity she could cling to, though Starfire's arms stayed locked around her. She breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth, slowly.

"Raven?"

"Yes?"

"Tell me, was it perhaps the emotionally-targeted commercial that has upset you?"

"What? No, Star, that's ridiculous…" She muttered as she pulled out of Starfire's hug, but was it? She frowned and met Starfire's eyes. "Or maybe not."

Starfire's brows furrowed, and she tilted her head as she struggled to understand. "Perhaps?"

"Maybe it was the commercial. Now that I think about it, this is right around the time my hormones would be giving me" she grimaced "problems."

"So this is merely-?"

"My dear, sweet, unborn child messing with my emotions?" Her face read noticeably annoyed, and her tone was debatably sardonic. "Probably the most likely rationalization for a hormonal outburst."

Starfire took a seat next to her on the bed, folding her hands in her lap, giving Raven space; she was thankful for that. As it was, she was fighting the heat rising through her body with every fiber of will she had left, but she'd have time to wallow in shame later for her earlier display. "How are we to combat these hormonal outbursts?"

Raven sighed, and shifted so that her hands could run up and along her arms. She felt naked without her cloak, but the earlier intention had been to sleep. "I'm not sure there's anything that can be done" short of seeing a psychiatrist…

Starfire nodded, and the two fell into once again companionable silence.

Barbara nearly choked on the milk that came squirting out of her nose, and for a few moments after, she was left hacking. Robin raised an eyebrow, as if to ask what exactly she thought was so funny, but the small smile on his face betrayed him. She tried to smile back at him, but struggled with one hand raised to her now-leaking nostrils. After all, it was the first time she'd seen him smile in weeks. "I'm sorry, and he licked her face?"

"Well, it wasn't actually Beast Boy."

"But Raven still got licked in the face by a green shapeshifting dog?"

Robin chuckled. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

She lost herself laughing again. She was yet to meet Raven, but she had the distinct feeling, given everything Robin had told her in her stay at Titans Tower, that she wasn't a woman particularly welcome to such odd displays of affection. Robin laughed through his nose, taking a sip of his water bottle. He wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead with the towel slung around his shoulders, and she couldn't help but feel the whole scenario was a little deja vu. A memory, something that had long since passed. Robin seemed to pick up on her thought process, the way he always did, and gave her another smile. She wasn't sure which one of them felt more healed at that.

"So," they both jumped as Cyborg sat down at the end of the table, between the two of them. "How do y'all know each other again?"

"Uh-"

"We were-"

They both looked at each other, Robin tugging at the collar of his uniform, Barbara hiding her face behind her glass of milk. They both glanced away, unsure of how to answer. Cyborg raised an eyebrow, but seemed to take the hint. "Oookay." He dug into his sausage and eggs, glancing to Robin, who had taken to staring stubbornly at the (currently off) television, to Barbara, who had decided to look busy by messing with the milk in her glass and the way it slushed from side to side. A light bulb lit up in his head, and maybe a light came on near one of his circuits, but he kept the thought to himself.

The door to the common room slid open, and from the other side, Beast Boy padded across the threshold. Cyborg nearly dropped his fork, and Barbara had to keep yet another splash of milk from escaping through her nostrils with two fingers to her bridge. Robin's eyes widened behind his mask, and he had to clear his throat before he spoke. "B-Beast Boy!"

Pale green eyes turned on Robin, hiding part way between heavy lids and dark circles. He seemed to take a moment to process that anyone had said anything, but he grunted and carried himself over to the fridge "'Sup."

Cyborg managed to swallow the bite he'd taken of his eggs. "Uh, BB? How ya holdin' up?"

Beast Boy closed the fridge after finding nothing worth eating, instead opting to scrounge through their cabinets. "I'm fine." He laid a hand on what he was looking for, pulling out Raven's teapot. He pulled back and set it on the counter, moving to the other cabinets to find teabags. Robin turned around to watch Beast Boy cross the kitchen, raising an eyebrow as he began boiling water.

"Beast Boy, are you sure? You haven't been out of your room in… months."

"I've gotta agree with Robin, man. You ain't been acting yourself."

"I'm fine." Beast Boy said it with more finality this time, but there was no aggression there, just defeat, as if he were trying to convince himself and not them. "I'm just" he stood still over the teapot, as if contemplating, fighting himself, then reached into another cabinet for a mug. "I'm just getting on with it, like we're s'posed t' do."

Barbara bit her lip, mentally nudging away the temptation to say You can't move on until you've dealt with it, but it was not her place. These were not her people; they were Robin's, and he knew better than her how to handle them.

Robin frowned, eyes narrowing at nothing as he lost himself in thought. Cyborg raised an eyebrow. "Want me to check on their locations? Make sure they're still safe?"

"That's not gonna help." That's not bringing them back. They all thought it, but they collectively decided it was best to let those words die in the air.

Cyborg sighed, went back to eating his breakfast. Robin's eyes grew more alert again, like he'd snapped back to reality. "Whatcha' making there, Beast Boy?"

He didn't answer at first, too preoccupied setting up his mug and filling it to the brim with hot brown liquid, watching the steam flitter through the air as he blew on it. He clenched its handle with three finger and cradled it protectively with his other. He turned around to face the rest of the room, but kept his eyes on his cup and his gaze far, far away. "Herbal tea."

He took one swing at the boxing bag, hard enough to make it swing, hard enough to get him started. Robin swung his other fist next, then another. The boxing bag flew in every direction he hit, inertia swinging it to and fro as he wailed relentlessly on it. It was relaxing; it was what he always did when he was under stress.

And boy had stress loaded onto him like a tow truck.

He hit it again, but found himself unsatisfied with the small smacking sound he got in return. She grinded his teeth and geared his fist up to hit at it again, harder this time. It swung further left, but the sound still wasn't enough for him. He had to hit harder, had to push further. He began swinging recklessly, resting his fists only to incorporate his legs into the routine by kicking the bag nearly off the ceiling. The chain creaked against the pressure, but didn't give in. He gave it an uppercut, then a roundhouse kick, then a flurry of other inconsistent punches. He grunted as the bag swung forward with such speed that it hurdled back at him so fast he could hardly stop it. His heels slid, and taking the punching bag in his arms was like getting sucker-punched right in the stomach; he coughed at the sudden impact, but pushed it away nonetheless. When it came back around, he socked it again, hard enough that he swore he felt something snap, but he couldn't stop- he couldn't.

Maybe he already had.

The bag came back at him full swing, and he made a move to grab it, but didn't try to slow it down. It socked him again, hard enough that he barked, but he took the pain as it was granted to him.

He'd searched the tower for clues, scoured the whole place for any explanation he could get- another note, a ransom from an enemy, signs of a struggle, but all he came back with was the single note Raven left him and two empty rooms, once full of life and character, now dead like a museum's exhibit.

Starfire and Raven were not history.

He hung limply against the punching bag, taking steady breaths as he swayed with its weight. There had to be something he was missing, something that would clue him in as to why Starfire- why both of them- left the titans (left him), but they'd been thorough, thorough enough to hide from him. He grinded his teeth and let one weak fist pound against the bag, then hang flaccidly at his side. What kind of leader was he if he couldn't even help his teammates?

The door to the gym slid open, but he didn't even need to look up to see who it was.

"Dick…"

"I told you, Babs, it's Robin."

"Right, Robin. Sorry."

He had a feeling she was batting her big baby blues at him, and that feeling killed him. Just like it always had, just like it always would. He straightened himself out and took to removing his boxing gloves. "What's up?"

Barbara was silent for a few moments, aside from the sound of her feet shifting from side to side. Anxious? Guilty? He wasn't sure. "I just wanted to get our stories straight next time Cyborg asked us."

"Asked us what?"

"You-" she paused, and he could hear the disbelief in her tone before she sighed. "When he asked us how we knew each other?"

"We'll tell him the truth."

"Well that's the thing, Di- Robin." He turned around and found that she was closer than he thought she'd be, not close enough to deny him personal space, but close enough that he felt utterly naked in front of her, the way he used to feel around her when he was a little kid, when they were growing up together as sidekicks, as members of the bat family. He'd almost missed that helpless feeling, but he found that lately he'd been feeling a little too helpless in all the wrong ways. He mentally shook his mind like an etch-a-sketch, choosing to focus on what was happening right in front of him. Barbara gave him a small smile, but it was awkward, forced, not natural the way it had been since she'd dropped in on him unexpectedly in the middle of the night. "I need to know" she winced "what exactly the truth" she shrugged "is?"

He gave her the Bat look, not the glare that froze you to the floor by your ankles, but the scrutinizing one, the one that silently asked all the questions he didn't want to ask aloud.

She recognized this look, apparently, because she wrapped her arms around herself and looked everywhere but him. "I guess I just, ya know? Do we tell him we're siblings? Old partners?" She trailed off, nibbling on her full bottom lip as she gained the courage to meet his eyes. "Exes?"

He choked on nothing, eyes practically popping out of his head and his entire body tensed up at the mention of… that. The thing they hadn't talked about since she got here. Their past not as comrades, but as something more. The phrase echoed in his mind with an unfortunate dull ring, and he only barely swallowed the saliva building up against the dam that was his mouth before he began to speak. "Oh! Uh, heh, um… all of the above?"

Barbara crossed her arms and scowled at him.

"Look," he shook himself out of his stupid stupor, reminding himself that he wasn't the same boy he was in Gotham, that Jump City had been his home for years, that he was a leader now, and he had to act like it. "The past doesn't matter. What matters is that you're here, that we're" not like that anymore.

He too trailed off, but he could see the unspoken words registering behind those big marbles of blue, as bright as the ocean. He worried for a moment that was the wrong thing to say, that tears would start brimming in those eyes and he'd have to awkwardly find a way to fix what he'd just done, not that there would be any way to fix it. But Barbara just gave him a small smile, set her hands at her hips and watched him with a cocky kinda stare. "You didn't think I was…?"

His eyes bulged out of his head again. "No! Oh god, no! O-of course I didn't-! I- I told you about me and-!"

Barbara raised her hand, shaking her head at him like he'd completely missed the joke.

Which he might have…

If the joke was him…

Evenings at Titans Tower usually went down like this: Dinner, movies, dispersal for solo activity (video games in Beast Boy's case, repairs or time to create in Cyborg's, and training in Robin's), and then an acceptable bedtime. Usually took from five to nine. It was the normalcy they all clung to with their girls missing, and a night never really ended without a common eclipse of nostalgia and longing. But nights in the tower were usually pretty normal, the one time of the day where they could pretend two empty rooms were still inhabited, where for just a few hours, their world returned to normal.

Until the intruder alert started going off right in the middle of the movie.

"Titans! Go!"

He'd wanted Barbara to stay back, but she'd taken one scoffing look at him and stolen one of his masks to wear- just in case. The threat had appeared at the front door and had yet to move, but there were a million and one things that could have meant. Higher ground. Surprise. A distraction. The possibilities ran through his mind, thousands a second, as the four of them stormed down to the entrance. They raced out of the elevator with the anticipation of battle boiling under their skin. It'd been awhile since they'd had a fight to get them all out of the tower, this would be a welcome surprise.

Beast Boy shifted into a tiger, Cyborg readied his canon, and Robin stuck three batarangs between his fingers. Barbara was on the defensive, stuck behind them and prepared to throw her fists at anything that came her way.

The intruder stood at the front door, unmoving, as though they'd been waiting for the titans to collect before them- and they had been.

"Hey."

Beast Boy shifted back into himself, Cyborg's canon died before it could be used, and Robin's batarang-ready hand fell to his side. Before them, leaning against one of the walls of the entrance room, was Terra. She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and gave them a half-hearted wave. "It's been awhile."

#Teen Titans #Starfire #Robin #Raven #Beast Boy #Cyborg #Barbara Gordon #Terra #Robstar #BBrae

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aimeesuzara · 6 years

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The Body in Bloom, or Adventures in Shape-Shifting. PregBlog#3

I grew up constantly worried about my weight. What preteen or teen girl doesn’t? And I gained a lot of it. And I lost a lot of it. Convinced I was getting “fat,” (though, not only coincidentally, I was entering womanhood), I went on my first diet when I was 11. I used diet books, counted calories in a little journal, measuring each scoop of peanut butter and each bite of rice cake. I was not actually “fat”; I was getting boobs and hips and curves, but that fact was lost on me. (To add: In our rather-militaristic Houston, TX PE class someone had measured my BMI and said it was higher than average, though I think I weighed about 110, ran a decent mile and won the sit-up contest; they also fanatically measured us for scoliosis and sent many of us home with confusing results. Come to think of it, I also got braces for my incorrect bite shortly after I got glasses for my bad eyes -- adolescence is a time of measurement). Clearly, I had not been exposed to what good curves could be, thinking that lanky and straight (and also, not coincidentally, white) was my dream aesthetic. This was the late 80s, an era for tracksuits, jogging, Lean Cuisines, diet sodas and no-butter in favor of margarine (the kind later to be found to be very bad). Instead of enjoying what was the beautiful blossoming of my body, I was set on preventing it, and I’m pretty sure the calorie restriction wasn’t awesome for my metabolism.

Fast-forward to the last three years of high school, when I actually did gain extra weight. This time, I owe it to a little-more-than typical teen angst and insecurity — I hid behind baggy tee-shirts as I let my body pack on a safe and protective layer. Not seeing others like me in a markedly un-diverse town and having moved around the country 5 times by the age of 16, I ate weird s**it like coolwhip and tortillas: comfort food. This was the Mohave Desert east of Los Angeles and I can also blame the desert, the arid, treeless, waterless place that yielded far too many suicides and drug addictions along with a subculture of weirdo outcasts indulging in our melancholia. The conservative, culture-less and very-basic Catholic School with only a sprinkle of electives was run by jocks, cheerleaders and priests, and I rebelled by wearing Dad’s blazers and thrift-store oddities, often oversized and masculine. I hid behind a curtain of angle-cut hair and remember hating looking at mirrors, turning my face as though seeing myself would release the boogey-man. I also felt just about as equally “person” as girl, enjoying a bit of the androgynous.

Leaping forward at least two decades, I’m a healthy, active, in-between-sized, femme-presenting Filipina woman in her early 40s who loves her own body but still fights fears of gaining too much weight, “losing it” or “falling apart.” After all, after 40, heck, after 35, aren’t we supposed to just go “downhill” or certainly “over the hill”? Aren’t we told we’re less desireable? As our metabolism often naturally does slow down in our 30s, I have accepted the 5-10 extra pounds that has become part of my norm, despite being active and health-conscious. I recognize my privileges as looking younger than my years, and yet because I didn’t grow up feeling pretty and got little romantic attention (from any gender) until mid-college — I don’t take my late-blooming for granted. I still fear all the things we women get conditioned to, as we age: wrinkles and blemishes, uncontrollable weight gain, tiredness, declining flexibility or mobility. The media is obsessed with youth and thinness, even if we are not. Let’s add that there’s not a lot of representation of a gracefully-aging woman of color.

Now add: becoming pregnant. Ha! All of the above on my list, bring them on, hormones and blooming belly! Let’s start with “wrinkles,” one you may not expect: I normally have pretty unwrinkled skin (thanks to melanin/genes), but beginning my first trimester, I both got acne breakouts AND itchy patches/wrinkles under my eyes at once. As someone joked with me, it’s a little like being an old teenager....who’s pregnant.

Weight gain — well, we can’t avoid that, and shouldn’t. A pregnant woman at average gains about 25-35 lbs during pregnancy, give or take, some more, some less. The amniotic fluid, extra blood volume, body mass, and the baby itself must increase; we literally grow to provide the baby nutrients. I’m in the late-second trimester, said to be the fun time when your energy returns, first-trimester nuisances calm down, and you get used to being pregs. It’s a time when you can revel in not having to explain weight gain to people who are asking themselves, “is she?” The belly announces itself now, loudly, not in a whisper. I had a major growth spurt between about week 17-21; my belly felt like a taut balloon being pushed out from the inside. “Hold on now!” I felt like telling it. On the outside it seemed all of sudden, I was like, “boom!” Going swimming in a bikini with the melon-belly was fun.

What I love about this time is being more aware of the sense of a person sharing my body, this tumbling, squirming, peddling being. The Week-20 full anatomical sonogram leads to relief for many, since we can check on all the major organs and parts. In mine, he nearly waved at us and did all kinds of what I’ll call dance moves since he has a dancer mommy. Seeing all of this correlating with the sensation confirms that indeed, I was feeling fetal movement, not just imagining things. Until about Week 17, I was still waking up thinking it had all been a dream. Now, not so.

I’m not yet at the point of feeling so heavy I’m lumbering, or hurting, but I have those possibilities to look forward to. Picking things up and tying my shoes is already weird to say the least, and I imagine myself even less able to bend once the baby occupies even more room.

It’s a new kind of learning to love my body. And all of this has been to say that I’m used to the ebbs and flows; I pay attention not because I have always felt good in my skin, but because I haven’t. I have learned that strength and stamina are important qualities of feeling beautiful, more than how we “look” on the outside …our beauty comes from how we feel (I tried to avoid the cliche, but now I have to say it: it comes from within). And I feel so in love with this little fish sharing this body with me that I’m sure that the love shows on my (wrinkled, acne-d but glowing) face.

The body in bloom for the pregnant woman is the body shapeshifting, because unlike a flower, I won’t bloom and then wither; I’ll keep changing as the body does, pregnant or not. I hear from mommies that postpartum bodies are still changing and it is not easy, nor the same for everyone. Rather than focus on going “back” to normal, just as in aging we have to accept that we cannot go “back” to our youth— I want to look forward to continually changing, growing new senses, new awareness, new ways of being in the body and in the world. And becoming a parent will be a shapeshifting journey to last many years more.

#pregnancyblog

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lakambinimagph · 5 years

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The Chronicles of a Supermom: A Mothers' Day Special

It’s that time of the year again - the time when we get to honor and to show our love and our appreciation to our ‘ilaw ng tahanan.’ Whether it may be a teenage mom or a single mother, a lesbian couple or a gay couple who raises their own bundle of joy, whether it may be grandmommas or aunts who become one’s mother figure, or a single dad who assumes the motherly role for his kids, this day is for all of you. But wait, have you ever wondered why and when did people start celebrating “Mothers’ Day”?

Before there was a Celebration...

Before “Mothers’ Day” was even a thing, the ancient Greeks and Romans held their own festivities to celebrate motherhood, guised as the Greek goddess Rhea and the Roman goddess Cybele; however, it was the early Christians who introduced the idea of a “Mothering Sunday.” The “Mothering Sunday” was a festival not necessarily devoted to mothers and motherhood; rather, it was when Christians would return to their mother churches for a special service. This was not even celebrated during the month May! The “Mothering Sunday” was celebrated during the fourth Sunday of the Lent. As years pass by, this festival was celebrated in the manner we all know at present - give flowers and tokens of appreciation to our mothers.

A few years before the Civil War, a lady named Ann Reeves Jarvis helped establish a club called the “Mothers’ Day Works Club”—a club which aims to teach West Virginian women on how to properly care for their children. Aside from being a ‘school for mothers,’ this club also became a unifying force and a support group for the region during the Civil War. During the mid-19th century, Jarvis organized the “Mothers’ Friendship Day”—an event aimed to reconcile the Union and the Confederate soldiers. Another revolutionary woman who contributed to the celebration we know today is Julia Ward Howe. In 1870, Howe created the “Mothers’ Day Proclamation” - an action calling for mothers to unite to promote world peace. Three years after, she campaigned for the celebration of “Mothers’ Peace Day” which was celebrated every 2nd of June. Other revolutionary people who lobbied for the unification and the celebration of mothers and motherhood were Juliet Calhoun Blakely, Mary Towels Sasseen, and Frank Herring.

It was on the record that it was not until the 1900s when “Mothers’ Day,” because of Anna Jarvis, daughter of Ann Reeves Jarvis, was fully and successfully established. After her mother’s death, “Mothers’ Day” started as an honorification of all the scarifices mothers make for their children. The rest, as they say, is history.

In celebration of today’s Mothers’ Day, we, the Lakambini team, featured the some of the mothers of today.

The Challenged Newbie Mom

“Motherhood is not just having your own child, but rather it is how you care for other people. Hindi dahil wala kang anak, hindi ka na pwedeng magpaka-ina. Pwede kang magpaka-ina in your own way hindi lang sa isang bata, pwede rin sa sarili mong kapatid, pwede rin sa iba. It’s just how you care for other people and how you nurture them to become better people and better versions of themselves.”

It was a rollercoaster ride for 20-year-old mother Danna Ruiz. Being in her third year in college, transferring to a different school, and finding out that she was pregnant, she was bombarded with a plethora of emotions. It felt surreal to have a baby growing inside her. She admitted that running away crossed her and her partner’s mind, in fear that once they confronted their families, they will not get the reaction and the support that they were hoping for, but despite the fear and the hesitation, not once did abortion crossed their minds.In the end, they chose to be open to their families and spilled the beans of their pregnancy. It actually turned out to be better than what they expected.

Apart from the support and the understanding they received from their families, they also sought and gratefully received support from the institution they were in.

“Naging understanding and accommodating ‘yong school administration. Naiintindihan nila kung bakit hindi ako nakakapasok minsan, kung bakit late ako pumapasok,” she explained. Sometimes when she brings her baby to school, her friends, classmates, and even her professors help take care of her child so that she can focus on her school works.

Growing up in the province, there is a stigma attached to a small-town girl like her. Being a consistent honor student, a daughter of a teacher, and a granddaughter of a politician, there are expectations of her becoming. She says that she and her partner values their privacy as a family, not because they are ashamed or because they have anything to hide, but because they want to avoid and protect their child from the cruel world. “Hindi mo rin kasi alam kung gaano sila ka-genuinely interested doon sa bata. Baka magtanong sila for the sake na may ma-tsismis,” she explains. Some of her closest friends to whom she personally broke the news to always tell her and always encourage her to finish her studies for the sake of her baby.

One of the challenging aspects of motherhood (and parenthood) is learning how to raise a child in the way they have not experienced. “Paano namin mapapalaki ang isang bata, paano namin aayusin ‘yong pamilya na kami, parehas kaming galing sa pamilya na hindi ayos. Kasi kung pag-aalaga, madali lang ‘yan. Matututunan ‘yan, pero kung paano magpaka-nanay at magpaka-tatay, ‘yan ‘yong isang malaking challenge lalo na kung wala kang role model na maganda.”

“Kanya-kanya tayo ng coping mechanisms. Pero hindi sagot ‘yong sukuan mo ‘yong bagay-bagay. Hindi iyan isang problema. Isa ‘yang challenge at responsibility para magtanda ka, at kung umabot man sa punto na hindi ka paninindigan ng lalaki, kayanin mo para sa anak mo. Hindi na lang ito tungkol sa’yo, may buhay nang umaasa sa’yo.”

The Young, Christian Mother

“Motherhood is like a stage play. Imagine you are performing something on stage, in front of judges, you have to give your best shot because the moment the audience thinks you are not good enough, it’s like you did not give your best care to your child. Being a mom is one of the hardest things to do but definitely all worth it.”

Johnielle Grace “Jheng” Vera is a 20-year-old english major, a former student-athlete, born and raised in a Christian family, and a mother to a 2-year-old little girl.

Her story was not an easy one. Between trainings for their institution’s volleyball team and having an irregular menstrual cycle, it did not cross her mind that she could be pregnant. She was already in her second trimester when it was confirmed that she does have a little bean growing inside her. Once she got home from a trip to Laguna, her partner suggested they see an Ob-gynecologist.Jheng was barely 18 years old when she found out.

She was at the peak of her youth - the part of her life when she should be carefree, when she should be enjoying the best things in life: college, hanging out with friends, parties, sports, and all the other things teenagers are known to love and enjoy, but no. She was thinking of the ‘what abouts’ and the ‘what ifs.’ She was anxious. She was scared.

“Nawala ako sa sarili ko. Gusto kong ipalaglag. Gusto kong magpasagasa. Gusto kong magpahulog sa hagdan. Lahat basta mawala ‘yong baby sa tiyan ko. Sobrang stressed at paranoid ako no’ng mga unang weeks na nalaman ko ‘to. Sising-sisi ako sa lahat ng pinaggagagawa ko. Iyak dito. Iyak doon. Ang hirap magpanggap na okay ka. Ang hirap magpanggap na kaya mong magbuhat. Ang hirap itago ng tiyan. Ang hirap itago ng mga gamot at ng gatas ni baby,” she said.

In the society that we live in, engaging in pre-marital sex is discouraged and frowned upon. Imagine how scary tt is for a young adult, who was raised in an environment that is grounded on the teachings of the Bible, to be pregnant at a tender age of 18, but Jheng was very grateful.

“Ang laki ng pasasalamat kong Kristiyano ang tatay ko. Kung hindi, napalayas at nabugbog na sana ako. Pero hindi, ang unang sinabi niya “Huwag ka nang mag-alala. Aalalayan kita. Haharapin natin ‘yan.” Doon ako sobrang humagulgol. ‘Di ko akalaing ganito pala talaga kabait ‘yong papa ko. Sobrang thankful ako na tinulungan niya akong i-open ito sa buong pamilya. Nag-iyakan lahat, siyempre. Niyakap ako. ‘Di akosinabunutan o kinladkad. doon ko naramdaman ‘yong suporta ang pagdamay nila sa akin.”

She has one more hurdle to conquer - opening it to the church. Jheng was very active in church and in its activities. She was one of the most requested young adult to perform a special number every Sunday. She admitted that she cannot go to church or even face her church mates. She was held back by the shame and the fear she was feeling, until such time when she started to crave for the warmth and the comfort of home, of her brothers and sisters in Christ.

“Nag-pray ako nang sobra. Iniyak ko nang iniyak kay God lahat. Sobrang ang bait Niya. Sa kabila ng pagkakamali ko, gumamit pa rin Siya ng mga tao at bagay na makapagpapakitang sobrang tapat Niya. Hindi ko kayang nasa bahay lang ako kaya humugot ako nang humugot ng lakas ng loob hanggang sa ayon, for the sake of my baby… nag-church na rin ako,” she said.

The reaction she got was far from the reaction that she was expecting. Despite everything that happened, she was still greeted with warmth and love.

She sometimes envy her peers who get to live their teenage lives to the fullest; and, more often than not, thoughts about how she should be enjoying her teenage life instead of being at home and caring for a child have crossed her mind. She admits that being a teenage mom is hard. But despite the passing jealousy and the ‘what ifs’ lurking in her head, she continues to grow and to appreciate the little things in life because of her precious daughter.

“To all the teen moms out there, I know it is hard, but one thing I have realized is that the most important thing you must learn is to know what love is - God. The moment you start knowing Him, you will learn to be kind, strong, and understanding. Life is short so be with your children always. Treasure every single moment because you will never know what tomorrow brings. You are God’s instrument to your children. You are the one who will teach them the best things this world could give. and lastly, remember to let God be the center of your life and everything will follow.”

Mothers, may it be expecting moms or first-time moms, have different stories to tell, but at the end of the day they all have one thing in common: Yes, motherhood is hard. Yes, being a mother is hard. You’ll have your fair share of struggles, of good days and bad days, but at the end of it all, the love you have for your children will always overpower the pain and the struggles that you felt in the past, you are feeling at present, and you will be feeling in the future. This, ladies and gents, is what makes mothers the best superheroes we will ever know.

Cheers to all the beautiful mommas out there!

Words by Jannah Lei Junatas

Graphics by Jemimah Keziah Cresencia

#careful whisper #mother's day philippines

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blainesaville3-blog · 7 years

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