#i hope you enjoy novellas. as i have written one for you here

[ghoulfr13nd]

oh man pls don't apologize it's totally ok! it really wasn't my intention to make you feel guilty or anything, i was just making sure because i suddenly remembered previous difficulties that's all! fgsdjka of course you can take as long as you need your comfort and time always comes first, obviously! 💗

and don't feel pressured to do aspect playlists or anything, that was just a suggestion :D and as fun as it is, it takes SO MUCH TIME! it took me and my friend DAYS, almost a week! so really don't worry about it hsdjdfs but i can still give some examples! (i had no idea if you meant for all aspects or just some examples in general but oh well!)

breath: Where No One Goes by Jónsi Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance

blood: "99" by Barns Courtney Hey Brother by Avicii

light: All This And Heaven Too by Florence + The Machine Next Up Forever by AJR

void: Valley Of The Dolls by Marina The Underground by Unlike Pluto & 8 Graves

rage: STFU! by Rina Sawayama BLOODMONEY by Poppy

hope: The Real World by Owl City Counting Stars by OneRepublic

heart: Metamorphosis by Penny Parker still feel. by half•alive (with heart we focused more about identity than other things (especially not romance, i don't subscribe to the notion that Heart is a "Romance Aspect" like. at all.))

mind: Everything Moves by Bronze Radio Return Deadlock by Go! Child

doom: Troubled Times by Green Day Radioactive by Imagine Dragons

life: Bloody Mary by 缶缶 うっせぇわ by Ado

time: Industry Baby by Lil Nas X Elevate by DJ Khalil (with time we specifically went with The Extended Zodiac description so it's all about fighting and overcoming challenges!)

space: Obstacles by Syd Matters Spanish Sahara by Foals

(sorry if it's a lot!)

oooh Witch of Void sounds so cool! but Maid of Breath/Light is also great! it's so cool you went from Void to (potentially) Light since they are (allegedly) two opposite aspects! and hey i know this quiz, it was one that pointed me in the direction of my current classpect! :D i ignored the fanmade things too, they were put there to fill space probably anyway ;v; i love classpecting as personality test too! i used to be so intense about it too, you have no idea, oh man. the long hours i spend reading and exchanging theories… WOW fsdgjdfk but my classpect is probably page of heart! i've been identifying as Heart player since my early times in fandom, i tried to change it several times but i always turn back to it fsdjk and Page is just a class i feel the most connected to! :D

and i hope so too! :D that'd be my first concert of an artist i'd actually cared about! i hope it will bring me as much joy as you get out of your concert experiences, you make it sound magical! :D how's the progress in seeing all your gender artists? are you more than half-way to your final form perhaps? 👀

and thank you so much for listening to these songs it means a lot! ;v; and you know, that's fair, i basically grew up with german because i have some of my family living there and i had to learn it in school so i don't see it as unusual but i can totally see it sounding silly it takes some getting used to fgsdjk hmmm my thoughts… well, with Sonne i especialyl like the industrial sounds and this like- strong "drop" when the guitar comes up! and i really like the feminine vocalizations through! also. i know it sounds ridiculous but i used to want to make an undertale animatic to Sonne fgasdfjk (i am cringe but at least i am free!) with Links 2 3 4 i remember (for the first time in my life) looking for interviews with band members because i found their lyrics so interesting & i think i remember reading specifically about how they had to fight with accusations/assumptions of them being "right-wing" just because of being a german metal band, so they made a song to make a point they're left leaning ("They want my heart in the right place, but then I look away and down. There it beat left, left, left, left." < these lyrics are so on the nose with that context and i love them for it fdgasjkf) Amerika is just- a classic i think! one of first songs i heard from them and i think lyrics here are also very on the nose about americanization of the world etc and i felt that, especially as a middle schooler that just started being conscious of the world fgsdjka but mostly i chose these songs because they are the most nostalgic to me and/or slap, at least to me! fgsdjk

and also OMG THAT'S SUCH A NICE SENTIMENT!!! FGSDJFKSDHKL (excuse me while i try not to tear up! fhdsfds) i am so into this idea AAAAAAAA! ;v; when i saw the playlist with my alias my stomach made a little flip (in a good way!) it's so nice of you! ;v; oh man i'm excited! :D question though! by sending you a list you mean a list from specific playlists or just whatever? 👀 (though i won't be sending a list now because i already gave you a long list of aspect vibes so i don't want to overdue it! fgsjkfdhfjk)

music anon 🎶

hello my anon….. i went to work, for a couple of walks, played a LOT of pokemon go and took a cold shower. you have been on my mind the whole time.

dw dw i didnt think you were trying to make me feel guilty!! i understood what you were goin for, and i’m appreciative of it!!

like, i feel like this is going to sound rude, but i’m kind of at this place in my life where i dont really. feel. obligated to uphold these polite standards most people have? and i dont really expect others to have them with me. it’s like, i GUESS its polite, but really i just think its counterproductive. if i force myself to do something, im not giving my best, and i want to give my best! so i’m always going to wait until i feel like i can. and if that’s how i feel about it, it’s hypocritical to not extend that to others. uhhhh i lost my point. i just mean like. its hard to make me feel bad about something like that flsjdjdkdjdk. sorry for this long tangent, i just don’t want you to worry about making me feel bad by giving me a gentle nudge. i’m heartier than that!

AND on that note, i do NOT feel obligated to make aspect playlists. aspect playlists are RIGHT up my alley. i mentioned to one of my friends that you and i were talking about classpects and he was like “oh they came to the right fucking house” and i was like “I KNOW!!!!!!!!!” anyway i’m SO excited to do them i just havent been in the right mindset yet :0 and like. i’m incapable of. like. NOT being an oversharer. everyone knows what i’m thinking, for better or worse 😔

actually? you know what? full disclosure heres my results for the aspect part of that quiz

look. look at this. i feel like it tells you plenty. (i would also love to see yours if youre willing to share but you also absolutely don’t have to khldkf uhh. re: i’m incapable of not oversharing)

have we talked about Barns Courtney before???? i dont think we have. thats ANOTHER artist i’ve seen live!!!! it was such a good fucking concert!!!!!! it was actually at the SAME venue that both Autoheart and The Crane Wives were at! it’s a super cool little place. i dont have any videos of that concert unfortunately 😔 it was before i got into my current phase. BUT UHHH I ACTUALLY HAVE A TSHIRT WITH LYRICS FROM “99” ON IT THAT I GOT AT THAT CONCERT. THATS SO WILD. also i LOVE it for blood thats SO big brained!!!!

Valley of the Dolls for voiddddd yeeeesssssssss. i love it. actually begging for the full void playlist i related SO HARD to void back in the day!! i’m digging this so fucking hard actually uhh. this is um. this is. —

ALSO STFU FOR RAGE. YES. i actually havent heard this song in a while and i like it even more than i remember. it rocks. I also hadn’t heard bloodmoney and it rules too. i want the full rage playlist too gimme gimme

ALSO YEAH HEART IS *NOT* ABOUT ROMANCE. love love love this opinion heart is ABSOLUTELY about identity. whats it like to have such good and correct opinions, anon? adore your song choices too!!!! also like, obviously i want this full playlist, its YOUR ASPECT!!

took one look at the album covers for the life songs on spotify and was like. “oh these have animations on youtube” so i listened to them there!!! AND THEY WERE SO GOOD!!!!!! i also really love this interpretation of the aspect, but i also see what you meant by mostly listening to rage songs ghskdj. like うっせぇわ by Ado reminded me so much of Aggretsuko…. she’s just like me fr

i also really like where you went with time!! also this makes me. want to make classpect theories for the spiderverse characters fjsjdjdjjdk

i’d never heard obstacles before…. i really really enjoyed this song! SAME WITH SPANISH SAHARA? I REALLY REALLY DIG THE SPACE VIBES.

i did listen to all of your recs but these are the ones i had the most thoughts about!!

BUT YEAH!!!! i still really love witch of void and i still see a lot of myself in it, but i was also a different person when i formulated that identity. i kept things closer to my heart. though, a witch of void does manipulate void, so maybe thats a classpect that could imitate a light player in a way? maybe i’ll keep it actually fjskdjdk. i do see a lot of myself in the other two though 😔 i have a dnd character who i absolutely ADORE playing that actually would definitely be a light player :0 much to think about…..

VERY FUNNY TO ME THAT WE BOTH USE THE SAME QUIZ AND DID THE SAME THING…. more things to add to the center of our venn diagram.

page of heart!! actually. i have looked at this one for myself as well. shaking your hand enthusiastically. what does this title mean to you? do you have a land made up? i’d love to hear all about it!!

yeeeesssss!!!! are there any other artists you want to see live if they come there? whats your dream list…..

AND GKSJFJSKDN I WISH. MORE THAN HALF WAY. IN MY DREAMS. i’m FAR from seeing all of these artists live fjskjddj. some of them are impossible actually, theyre not making music anymore. but thats okay! gender-wise… idk where i want to end up. i’m still not super sure what i want :0 besides top surgery. i have never doubted that top surgery is in my future. but theres approx 23 artists on it and i’ve seen 4 i think? something like that!!

and ofc!!! thank YOU for listening to MY songs! i’m enjoying the exchange a lot! especially because we obviously have a lot of overlap in our tastes.

thats super cool though!! family in germany… my grandmother lived in germany very briefly with her first husband who was stationed there. she knows exactly one phrase and its the price of whatever she bought at the store gkgjhk. i don’t know any german myself (if that wasn’t abundantly obvious fksjdjd). i dont really have a second language, but i did learn a little french in high school, and i’m working really hard to learn hungarian! do you know many languages? :0

ALSO PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS UNDERTALE ANIMATIC? give me the play-by-play. being cringe is so fun i love being cringe.

thats such cool lore about Links 2 3 4 :0 but yeah uh. idk what it is about american dudes who are into german metal but i wont lie to you its usually a red flag to me 😔 i really didnt think it was something to worry about with you though, i dont remember what it was, but you had said something that had made me think “oh well this isnt an american person i have to worry about having a weird perverse relationship with german culture” fgkdkkd.

i can totally get why you would be into it! personally speaking amerika quite literally hits too close to home for me. i’m so tired 😭 there are things i love about where i live but also….. hhhhhh……..

thank you for sharing your thoughts!! and i’m so glad you like the playlist idea! as far as the question you asked — either! both! if you send me random songs, i’ll add them to your playlist, and if you send me a specific playlist i’ll create a new one for it. so whatever you feel!!

sorry for the. very very very long response. i spent so much time with this. like literally several hours. i will respond to the oc one another time so don’t worry when you don’t see it at the same time as this one!! i’ve already read it and im excited to reply it’s just midnight here now dkgdgkhdk

i hope you have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night!!!

[writingquestionsanswered]

Not to be a downer, but I actually finished my novel and now I’m confused because I don’t want to publish it. I don’t even particularly want anyone other than maybe my two close friends to even read it. What on Earth did I write 40k words (which I know is not really long enough for a novel, but it’s still far and away the longest thing I’ve ever written) for? I know people say “write for yourself” but like… am I just wasting my time? Help?

(p.s. you can leave this off anon)

(p.p.s your blog is really great 👍)

There's No Such Thing as Wasted Writing

I'm going to tackle this two ways...

#1 - "Write For Yourself" - there's a reason this common phrase has echoed through the Hall of Writers since time immemorial. It's because it's true! Writing doesn't have to be anything more than a pastime. It doesn't have to be anything more than something you do for your own benefit and enjoyment.

I have an in-joke with family members about how any time one of us does something the least bit crafty, DIY, skilled, whatever, a particular family member will always say, "You did a great job! You should do it for a living!" Like, someone can't even crochet a Kawaii mushroom without being pressured to turn it into an Etsy dynasty, or paint a cabinet without being pressured to become the next Property Brothers. And that's such a BANANAS capitalistic mindset, isn't it? This idea that nothing can be done purely for our own enjoyment. That you can't just write a novel because you want to... you can only write it if you plan to share it or publish it? It's just so silly.

And, the thing is, we don't even apply that mentality to a lot of other things people do purely for enjoyment. No one is streaming all of Bridgerton in two nights and saying, "I enjoyed every second of that, but why did I do that? Such a waste of time!" No one spends an hour strumming their guitar under the stars on a beach, and then says, "That was so relaxing and fun, but I didn't charge for that performance and I didn't record it to sell it, so that was obviously a waste of time."

You know what I mean?

#2 - And Anyway, Practice Makes Perfect - And if you keep writing--even if you continue not to share or publish--you'll get better and better with each story you write. Which, maybe all that means is you get to appreciate your own improvement, but also, should you ever change your mind and decide to write something to share or publish, you've now spent time honing your skills. Even if those other stories never see the light of day, they're still an important foundation of the writer you become. Do you know how many unpublished novellas, novels, and short stories I have? Too many to count. Hundreds of fan-fiction and original fiction short stories I've only shared with one or two other people, if anyone. A dozen or so novels and novellas that have only been read by a few people, and some haven't been read by anyone else or have only been read by my CPs. I would never consider those stories and novels and novellas to be a waste of time, because I know every single one made me a better writer. My published work is better because I wrote those other things.

So, I hope that makes you feel better. At the very least you hopefully enjoyed writing your novel--or at least got something out of it--and you definitely honed your writing skills, which matters! ♥

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I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[megalony]

Meet My Family- Part 2

Okay, it's taken me a while but here is the second part of my Evan Buckley imagine. I hope you will all like it, thank you for the lovely feedback on the first part.

Please let me know what you think.

Taglist: @justagirlthatlovedtoread @musicistheway @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @luula @missdreamofendless @bradleybeachbabe @woderfulkawaii @amberpanda99 @daggersquadphantom @marvel-and-chicago-fan @angryknightstatesmantrash @minjix @lyje @kmc1989 @itsmytimetoodream @noonenuts @hiireadstuff @ashie-babie @classyunknownlover @jayyeahthatsme @sp1ritssz @dumb-fawkin-bitch @oliverstarksbae @gimatida @heart-35 @supernaturalstilinski @kyky9103 @wutheringhearts2275 @gay4hotmilfs @itshamleth @chaoticnosleepinfluencer @gs29 @wh0reforsmutstuff @mel-vaz @natashamea18 @chrisevansdaughter @alexandra848484 @deena-beena-weena @targaryenluvs @kpoplover-19 @marvelmenarebeautiful @gillybear17

@zoeybennett @mrspeacem1nusone @zephyrmonkey @estella-novella @eleventhdoctorsangel @kniselle @senjoritanana @shauna-carsley @dottierose @cfdhouse51 @darkfemme1 @rainechase45 @lolalolsstuff @jupiter1700 @ashdoctor @an-aliens-ghost @lunaroserites @houseoftwistedspirits @callsignwidow @winterreader-nowwriter @reneinii @bellsbomb @western-pyro

Evan Buckley Masterlist

Part 1

Summary: Now that Evan's team have met his family and his son, his family have been invited to a birthday party and Evan is touched how everyone makes an effort with his son. (Autistic son)

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What's this?" Evan tilted his head back against the sofa and squinted up at Hen who was stood behind him.

She had a cheesy grin spread across her face and one brow arched up in that manner that implied something was going on or that she had some kind of plan formulating in her head. Both her hands planted down on the sofa either side of his shoulders and she leaned forward and indicated her head towards the envelope she had just handed down to him.

"What does it look like?"

Evan rolled his eyes and leaned forward, focusing on opening the pale blue envelope which had Buckley's written on the back.

His brows rose and he pushed forward so he could spin on the sofa and look up at Hen properly once he looked over the card inside.

It was an invitation.

He glanced over the writing and the painted balloons in the background. Denny was having a birthday party next week, coincidently it was Evan's day off, but he suspected Hen had gone to Bobby and they had done the rota so everyone on the A shift could have the day off together.

But what made Evan's heart rocket in his chest was the names scrawled on the top of the page, clearly in Denny's handwriting. Buck, (Y/n) and Rowan. They were inviting Rowan.

"You're coming, right?" It was more a statement than a question and Evan dreaded to give the wrong answer.

Of course he would go, he thought Denny was a sweet kid and parties with the team were always a fun celebration. And he and (Y/n) had nothing else planned, so they couldn't really say no.

"Yeah, of course."

"How's Rowan with music, he's not sensitive to noises, right?"

"The louder the better… are you, um… I mean, Rowan loves parties, but he doesn't get invited to many."

The hidden question was there behind Evan's words. The tone of his voice was careful, he didn't want to cause offence or seem like he was ungrateful for the invite because he was. But in his and (Y/n)'s extended families, there weren't too many people who took the time to understand Rowan.

Their excuses were the usual kind. It was a party for adults or for older children, Rowan was 'too young' to go or he would be tired easily or it would be too loud for him. It was the polite way of saying they didn't want him there.

Evan didn't want Hen to think she was obligated to invite them if Denny was going to have a lot of school friends round who might not understand or who might just sit and stare at Rowan. That wouldn't be fair on anyone.

"Denny wants to meet him, he's heard Chris talking about him, and we want you all there. He's always gonna be welcome."

Evan nodded and took a deep breath to ward off the tears that were starting to burn behind his eyes and nose. The team had met Rowan twice, the first time when they came down to the hospital and again when Evan brought him to the station.

And he had gone to Eddie's house to meet Chris, which had gone down so well that Rowan didn't want to go home.

"You sure? He'll try to explore and take the toys and the food and if he's excited you'll hear him for miles." Evan's tone softened, he wasn't trying to put Hen off or make her change her mind, he just wanted her to know what she was agreeing to.

Rowan was a handful, but Evan wouldn't have him any other way. Rowan would explore Hen's house because it was a new environment and he was curious. He would try and take any present he saw that took his fancy, if he was hungry he would want to pinch the food whether it was time to eat or not. And he was very vocal, if Rowan was excited his noises got louder. He would squeal and scream and laugh and clap because it was his way of expressing himself when he couldn't use words.

"Buck, you've just described every kid that's gonna be there, don't worry, it's gonna be a great day. None of you have allergies, right?"

"Just Pica." The playful smirk on Evan's face made Hen smile and she nodded, patting his shoulder while she rolled her eyes.

Evan had told the team about Rowan's conditions, one of them being Pica, where he would eat non-food items. It was mainly for sensory feelings, if he looked the look or the smell or the texture of something, he would put it in his mouth to learn and explore. Which was why all the cleaning products were locked away in a cupboard in Evan's home, and why they had to keep an eye on Rowan at all times.

When Hen walked back into the kitchen, Evan smiled and nodded to himself. It was going to be an eventful day, if anything. One that he was now looking forward to.

"Are we ready?" (Y/n) looked between her two boys with a smile that was a little apprehensive.

The only one out of the three of them who was any good at parties was Evan. (Y/n) was too nervous and never knew what to do or what to say, she ended up sitting in a corner barely conversing with anyone. And no one knew how to act with Rowan, there was only a handful of people who knew how to interact with him and who were happy to sit with him and try to engage in his ways of play.

Whereas everyone got along with Evan, he was always smiling and knew how to joke around and could intergrate into any conversation and community.

But this was a children's party. (Y/n) knew this was going to be a lot easier than the usual kind of party. She could interact with kids, she knew how to be on their level and understand them and play their games and she had a lot of patience for children.

"Off we go," Evan grinned and tugged on Rowan's hand as they approached the front door to Hen's house.

He kept hold of Rowan's hand and tugged his boy back to his side when the five year old went to push the door. He had a tendency to try and walk into houses straight after knocking, Rowan didn't grasp the part about waiting to be invited inside. He thought it was like going home or going to his grandparent's house, he could walk right in and the door would be unlocked and people would be welcoming.

"Hi! Denny will be thrilled you're all here, come in." Karen opened the door, a wide smile on her face as she ushered them inside. "Hi Rowan." A gentle look washed over Karen's face and she waved her hand at him.

She had heard Hen talk about him, about how it was a surprise to find out Evan had a family of his own and how sweet she thought Rowan was when she met him at the hospital. They were all excited to meet him, and Denny was always open to making new friends.

The five year old studied her curiously as he swayed back and forth, pulling on Evan's hand like it was a rope swing. But he waved at her nonetheless which caused her smile to widen.

"Everyone's out in the garden."

They followed Karen down to the kitchen and out the back door where the noise level raised and the chaos ensued.

There were a lot of balloons tied around the fence, some tied to the few tables outside and placed around the garden with weights to keep them from floating off into space. A banner of Happy Birthday was pinned against the fence on the right side of the garden above the buffet table.

(Y/n) could see something that would grab Rowan's attention towards the back of the garden. A paddling pool. Rowan was very sensory and he loved the swimming pool, if they weren't careful he would be straight in there in his clothes and they wouldn't be able to get him out. And next to the pool was a sandbox that was usually closed up but today was wide open with spades and buckets and a signpost that (Y/n) couldn't read from this far away.

They didn't get very far before Denny spotted them and it was heartwarming to see his bright smile when he realised they had arrived. He had been waiting desperately to meet Rowan.

Denny was sat near the sandbox with Chris who was eyeing the buffet like he was desperate to go over there and try everything. Chris had already met Rowan and they were all pleased that the pair of them seemed to be very happy in each other's company. Chris was a little unsure at first that when he spoke, Rowan didn't give a response. But he could see Rowan knew what was being said and he would smile or pat Chris's hand or just murmur as a way of response.

"You're here!" He bounded over to them with a wide smile and bounds of energy radiating off of him. He stood next to Karen who placed her hand on his shoulder. "I'm Denny."

(Y/n) was quite surprised that Denny's smile actually widened when Rowan made a little humming noise. Maybe he had been told Rowan was non-verbal and thought that meant he didn't make any sounds at all. But it was so lovely to see someone eager to play with Rowan and just be in his presence. They wanted Rowan to have a normal childhood, as normal as possible, and connect with people and make friends.

When (Y/n) held the present they had brought in front of Rowan and nodded towards Denny, the five year old took the hint. He grabbed the bag with haste and thrust it towards Denny with determination in his eyes and his other hand still clinging to Evan.

"Thank you," Denny carefully took the present and looked up at his mum who nodded and took it from him so it could be put with the rest of the presents inside for him to open later.

"Mum's doing a scavenger hunt in the sandbox. Do you want to join?" Denny held his hand out and waited patiently. He knew Rowan might not want to take his hand because he didn't know him, but he thought it was worth a try.

The young boy looked up at Evan, made a 'me me' noise and took Denny's hand. He kept hold of his dad's hand too, dragging Evan along like they were in a chain or a congo but it was enough to make Denny grin. And (Y/n) could barely focus on breathing when all she could feel was surprise and love and happiness.

Denny walked slow enough so they could trot side by side towards Hen, Athena's son Harry and Chris and Eddie. They were all stood near the sandbox and Evan took a moment to look around.

"Scavenger hunt?" (Y/n) looked towards Karen as they both moved to head over to where Athena, Bobby, Chimney and Maddie were all sat nearby with the radio blasting eighties tunes in the background.

"Hen's buried sweets and little fidget toys in the sandbox. They'll have to dig around for buried treasure."

Evan took to looking in the sandbox to get a better view and see what Hen had been up to. He loved the effort they had put in to making games for the kids, it was more than Evan ever had in his childhood, he never had any big parties or fun celebrations for anything in his life. Not his birthday, not to celebrate leaving school or getting into college. His parents were only ever happy to be at a party for Evan when he got married.

He wanted things to be different for Rowan.

Rowan began swaying back and forth, unsure what they were doing or why they were stood waiting near the sand. He knew he didn't usually get to play in the sandbox at school. He had a tendency to put the sand in his mouth because of his Pica and on the odd occasions when he was taken to the beach, one parent always had hold of him at all times so he couldn't try anything.

He started to hum and tick his head back and forth like he was dancing to the music before he suddenly let go of each hand he had been holding. He weaved around the sandbox and made a little squeal as he bounced on his tiptoes and made a beeline for the buffet table.

"Not yet buddy." Evan trotted behind him and clamped his hands down on Rowan's shoulders.

A squeal of protest left Rowan's lips and his brows furrowed as he pointed at the table and stomped his foot.

"No, not yet. Games first."

When Rowan tried to stomp his foot and reach out for a bowl of crisps, Evan moved quickly. He could just envision that bowl going flying and crisps scattering across the floor. He looped his hands beneath Rowan's arms and spun him round in the other direction.

He knelt down in front of the sandbox and gently sat Rowan on his knees as the boys all knelt in the sandbox, ready to dig for treasure.

When Hen said the boys could start digging, Evan handed Rowan a plastic spade and encouraged him to start to dig with everyone else. Rowan seemed content to look at the others for a while, he had never known objects to be hidden in the sand like this. He watched Denny dig up a lollipop and when Chris found a bag of Haribos and pointed to the sand, Rowan started to dig, if a bit lazily.

A very lovely, cheeky smile flooded Rowan's face after a few minutes and he dunked his left hand down into the sand. His fingers curled into his palm and spread out again to feel the sand tickling his palm and flooding between his fingers.

He burrowed his hands down into the sand, grabbed fistfuls and pulled his hands back up. He watched, fascinated, as the sand fell through his fingers like droplets of rain.

His lips parted in a cheeky smile and he locked eyes with Hen just as he poked his tongue over his lower lip towards the sand.

"Ah-ah, don't do that thank you." Evan pressed his lips to the top of Rowan's head and enclosed his large hand around his son's to prevent him from putting his hand in his mouth. He knew what he was doing. He was looking to see if anyone would notice or tell him off.

His head tilted back against Evan's chest as he started to giggle.

He did it for the texture, not to try and eat the sand because he was hungry or desperate. It was a fixation, a sensory feeling, putting things in his mouth was Rowan's way of getting a sensory fix and feeling textures and learning.

"I think you've had enough sand." Evan murmured against the top of Rowan's head before he glanced over at Hen. "Is he okay to wander round a bit?" He would hate to let Rowan wander if Hen wanted all the kids to stay together or to stay in the garden. Rowan liked to explore and that might mean scouting round the kitchen.

"Sure, go have fun."

Evan let Rowan take the lead, he let his boy wander round the garden, not really looking for anything in particular. He was getting to know this new environment, getting used to new surroundings and familiar people and loud noises and different smells.

Evan followed him round, hands in his pockets and a grin on his face. Rowan was doing better than he expected. His boy wasn't screaming or having a meltdown from a sensory overload. He wasn't banging on the tables and chairs or fighting to get at the buffet table and he was being his version of sociable. He wasn't frowning and pushing Denny or Chris away which he sometimes did when he was tired or overwhelmed.

He seemed happy wandering around with his head nodding back and forth and his hands shaking at his sides in stims.

"Hi mister, what're you up to?" Bobby leaned his head to one side as he looked down at Rowan when the five year old paused in front of him.

His big wide eyes stared up at Bobby before he fell into a fit of giggles. He recognised him from seeing him at the hospital and again when Bobby had visited their home for the first time. He reached up and tugged on Bobby's hand, swinging it back and forth before he started to pull him down.

Bobby obliged and crouched down to be level with him, only to have Rowan's cheeky smile widen and his hands started grabbing at the cup in Bobby's free hand.

"Buddy, ask nicely."

He knew not to try and take what he wanted. His head turned to look up at Evan before he turned back towards Bobby and gently patted his wrist. Rowan's sign to imply that he himself wanted a drink.

"Come and show me what you want to drink then."

The Captain took Rowan's hand and they both headed towards the buffet table where there were at least four different bottles of pop and some jugs of juice set out. He knew Rowan could point and choose for himself, he just needed them to be poured for him.

Evan rolled his lips together and dragged his hand across his jaw, unable to hide his beaming smile as he watched his Captain take great care to try and understand his son. Bobby was nodding and humming along to the noises Rowan was making and when they reached the table, Bobby crouched down to Rowan's level and politely asked him to pick what he would like.

Everyone seemed to be understanding Rowan completely and they accepted every little whim and way he had.

The party was going better than expected.

***

"Have you had enough, baby?" (Y/n) tilted her head to the left to where Rowan was sat beside her. He was close enough that his arm was resting on her thigh and their legs were touching, he didn't like to be far apart.

She gently stroked her fingers through his hair as he began humming and pushed his paper plate away, his signal that he was finished.

The boys had been sat very close to the buffet table in case they wanted seconds. They had been sat in a big circle on the grass to have their dinner while the rest of the 118 were in the chairs near the radio, finishing off their food. But Rowan wouldn't stray far from his parents when it was time to eat.

He wasn't much of a fussy eater, he would eat a lot of various things, but if Rowan was at a strange place, he was self-conscious. He didn't like people looking at him when he was eating and he could get overwhelmed when he heard other people eating and the different sounds they made.

And both parents wanted him close by just in case he tried to take something from someone else's plate. He didn't do that often but they didn't want him to start that habit today.

"Good boy," (Y/n) looped her arm around his shoulders so he could snuggle into her side. She was sat on the grass in between Evan's legs with her head resting on his thigh and his legs squeezing into her sides. And every now and then she felt his hand holding her shoulder or feathering up and down her neck as he peppered kisses to the top of her head.

She looked down at Rowan when he started to bash his palm against his mouth, making popping sounds like he was kissing his hand. When he started rocking back and forth, she uncurled her arm from him so he could move around without bashing into her.

(Y/n) looked to the right and she smiled when Chris plonked down on his knees next to her. He looked between her and Evan, clearly wanting to speak to them and be in their company for a while since everyone else was still either eating or chatting and listening to the music.

"I've been learning some new tricks." His wide grin made (Y/n) raise her brow and she tilted her head back to look up at Evan who hummed.

"Oh yeah, like what?" Evan rested his elbows on his knees and his hands on (Y/n)'s shoulders so he could lean over her. His lips pressed to the top of her head but his eyes were firmly focused on watching Chris.

They knew he was trying to learn some little magic tricks, he was venturing into lots of games and different tricks to amuse himself. He was much like Evan in the sense that he took up a lot of different activities and didn't like to stick to just one thing.

It was why they had so much fun when Chris came round and watched documentaries with Evan or when they all went to the zoo or the aquarium.

They listened eagerly as Chris explained what he was trying to do and showed them a trick.

"Pound?" Chris bit his lower lip and held his palm out towards Evan who huffed and rummaged around in his pocket.

"Is this payment, or are you showing us another trick?" He wasn't sure whether Chris was just being cheeky and asking for a coin because he had showed them a good trick. Or whether he needed one to try and perform another magic trick.

"Both."

Evan looked over at Eddie who was sat in the chair next to him. "You do realise I'm being swindled over here?"

Eddie shrugged. He had taught Chris well, it wasn't his fault if Evan always fell for it or always gave in because he was soft at heart.

He dropped a coin into the palm of Chris's hand before he curled his left arm around (Y/n)'s chest just beneath her neck and leaned to press a sloppy kiss to her cheek. He felt her hand curl around his arm and she leaned into his touch and peppered a few hollow kisses up his arm.

Her smile widened when Chris muttered a small "Okay," to himself and he shuffled closer until his knees nudged into (Y/n)'s leg. And he reached out to take (Y/n)'s free hand so he could use her hand as part of the trick.

(Y/n) leaned into Evan's touch and watched Chris intently, but she gasped and shot upright when Rowan suddenly grabbed her.

His hands scrunched up in her leggings and he made a deep whining sound as he scrambled to climb onto her lap. She pushed back into Evan and tried to part her legs so Rowan could sit between them but she couldn't help but groan when he continued to stand and clamber over her like she was a piece of furniture.

"Rowan," She groaned his name and tried to gently nudge him but her gasp turned into a cough when he stood up on her thighs and flopped into her chest, pushing her back into Evan.

"Rowan don't do that." Evan moved his arm that was around (Y/n)'s chest to nudge Rowan back but it didn't work.

The five year old started to make a low grumbling noise and the way he ground his jaw from side to side showed he wasn't happy. His nose crinkled and his lips jutted out before he reached his hand down and grabbed (Y/n)'s wrist, pulling her hand away from Chris.

When Evan noticed the movement, he sighed and bit his tongue to stop from rolling his eyes.

Rowan was getting possessive. He loved being around people, and he loved getting close to people and having their attention, but the same couldn't be said for his parents. He didn't like either (Y/n) or Evan interacting with other people, he thought they should be focused on him and only him.

Seeing (Y/n) playing with Chris made him upset, he wanted her attention, he didn't want her giving her attention to anyone else. They were his parents, not Chris's.

"Chris is doing magic, look." (Y/n) looped her left arm around Rowan's waist and tried to tug him to the side a little so he wasn't smothering her front. She kissed his cheek and let him lean into her chest while she sat back against Evan who kept an arm draped loosely over her shoulder.

She held her hand back out since she still had the coin burning into her palm and Chris tried to do the trick again, but Rowan wasn't impressed.

He pushed forward into (Y/n)'s chest and batted his hand out to whack her hand away from Chris.

"Ro, wanna come sit over here with me?" Eddie put his drink down on the grass beside his chair and reached his hands out in front of him. He wouldn't mind if Rowan wanted to come and sit with him, he would happily entertain him and play with him for a while.

But he wasn't interested. He let out another disgruntled whine, and before either parent could try and say anything, Rowan lurched his right arm out. He looped his arm around the back of (Y/n)'s neck and yanked her forward towards him with a bit too much force.

The movement shook (Y/n) off balance and she gasped when her forehead smashed into Rowan's.

"Fuck!"

A blinding pain shot through her temple and errupted behind her eyes that immediately began to water and pour tears down the bridge of her nose. She couldn't help the yelp she let out and her head flopped back onto Evan's thigh as she let go of Rowan to cradle her nose and temple. For a moment (Y/n) thought he'd given her a nosebleed, but she was relieved to see no blood coating her fingers or trickling down the back of her throat.

Leaning down, Evan cupped (Y/n)'s chin and tilted her head up in his direction and he gently moved her hands away so he could take a look. His fingers skimmed across her temple, wincing when she shivered and pulled back.

"You okay babe?"

"God, that hurt," (Y/n) groaned quietly but she didn't look up at Evan for long, her gaze switched back down to their boy.

He flopped down to sit between (Y/n)'s legs, hands cupping his neck and dragging his nails down his skin in long, deep scratches. Whines and deep cries rumbled past his lips and tears streaked down his face. He hadn't meant to pull (Y/n) harsh enough to headbutt her and it had clearly hurt him. He didn't have a high pain threshold.

"Come here, you're okay." Eddie hopped up from his chair and reached forward to scoop Rowan up and sit back down with him.

He perched the five year old on his knee and cocooned his arms around him, wiping away the tears. And he gently held Rowan's hand to stop him from scratching at his neck. He was rather surprised when Rowan leaned into him and pushed into his chest tight enough that Eddie had to take shallow breaths.

It had been a while since Eddie had patched Chris up after a fall or an accident and he smiled softly when Rowan burrowed into him rather than trying to scramble away.

"What were you doing, hm?"

"Getting possessive," Evan answered with a certain look and raised brows which caused Rowan to frown. He may not have understood the words, but he knew that look all too well. "He doesn't like our attention going to anyone else."

"So no more kids then?" Chimney spoke around the rim of his glass, his nose crinkling as he tried to dampen his smile a little.

He chuckled quietly at the sideways look he got from Evan and the way (Y/n)pushed out her lower lip to distort a smirk. They hadn't thought about that aspect. They were trying to focus on showing Rowan that it was okay for them to give attention to other people and other kids, that he wasn't missing out or being pushed aside.

He couldn't get this upset every time they tried to talk to people or be sociable, he had to learn that it was okay for their attention to be shared with other people.

Especially if, in the future, (Y/n) and Evan thought about having another baby. It wouldn't bode well if Rowan thought it was okay to be possessive over them and then he had to learn from an older age that he had to share them with a sibling.

"Show me again." (Y/n) whispered softly as she held her hand back out towards Chris and nodded for him to redo the trick he hadn't managed to finish with Rowan's little outburst.

She leaned her cheek against Evan's thigh and did her best to keep her eyes open despite the raging headache throbbing behind her eyes and nose. Both her and Evan kept darting their eyes over at Eddie, but he seemed happy as ever quietly chatting to Rowan who was no longer in fits of tears. The toddler was curled up into his chest, humming softly and holding Eddie's hand, letting out a little sniffle every now and then.

Just as Chris finished his magic trick, they all looked up when Denny jogged over to them with a wide grin.

"Mum said we can go in the pool, are you coming?" Denny hovered by the side of them, a hopeful look on his face that brightened as he looked between Chris and Rowan.

Evan was rather surprised Rowan hadn't made a beeline for the pool already, he was one for water, he was like a duck. He couldn't exactly swim but he would paddle and splash and he wasn't afraid to go further into the water at the local swimming pool as long as someone was alongside him. It was one of his preferred activities and something Evan and (Y/n) tried to do with him every week.

With a quick glance over at Eddie, Chris got up and whipped off his shirt which he tossed next to his dad's chair. And when Evan nodded, Eddie leaned forward and gently set Rowan down to his feet and motioned to his shirt.

"Are we off in the water?" When Eddie pointed to the paddling pool, a lovable, excited scream left Rowan's lips before he started patting his hand rather forcefully against his lips to stim. "Alright," Eddie grinned and helped him off with his shirt, he was wearing shorts so he would be fine in the water and (Y/n) had a bag with spare clothes for later.

(Y/n) patted Evan's thigh and tilted her head up to steal a quick kiss before she got up and hurried after Rowan. He needed to be supervised because too many people in a small paddling pool with him was a recipe for Rowan getting overwhelmed. He might try and push people out his way or lash out at them if they were overwhelming him or getting too close.

Once the other kids were in the pool, Rowan seemed to assess the paddling pool. (Y/n) wasn't sure what he was looking for or what he was thinking until he moved towards the left corner of the square pool, then she realised.

He wanted to sit on his own.

Rowan didn't want to be splashing about with everyone else because the pool wasn't big. It wasn't like the swimming pool where people could have their own space, this was a decent sized pool for a back garden, but with four other kids in there, Rowan clearly didn't want to be cramped.

He carefully climbed over the side and flopped into the water like a fish back in its habitat. He sat down with his legs crossed and the water settled just on top of his thighs. His arms threw out at his sides and he splashed his hands down in the water so that it prayed up around him and created bubbles between his fingers. The cold water didn't seem to shock or bother him, he didn't even shiver.

A cheeky smile lit up Rowan's face when Denny handed him one of the spades from the sandbox so he could splash properly and flick the water up.

He shovelled up the water and started to stim, flicking his wrist so the water sprinkled slowly over the edges of the shovel and rained down onto his legs.

"You ever take him to the pool?" Eddie's words caught Evan off guard and broke him out of his thoughts.

He tilted his head to the left, watching his friend as they both moved to sit down nearer to their boys in the pool. Evan smiled when he caught sight of (Y/n) knelt beside Rowan with her arms folded on the edge of the pool. She wasn't splashing or trying to gain his attention, she was just hanging back and seeing how he faired for a while.

Evan sat down with his elbows perched on his thighs and his hands clasped together on his lap while he nodded. "Yeah, yeah he loves going to the pool."

"Could… do you think he'd be happy if me and Chris could join? Chris gets nervous in the pool, I thought going with friends might make him a bit more confident." Eddie didn't want to impose or presume and he wouldn't want to suggest it if Rowan would get too overstimulated or panicked if others joined them in a routine he usually did with his parents.

But if he might be okay with it, Eddie hoped it might help Chris. He wasn't the best swimmer and he was nervous in the pool about people watching, and if his feet couldn't touch the floor, he wouldn't go any further.

Maybe if he went with a group, with Evan and (Y/n) and Rowan he might feel more at ease. And it could be fun to splash around and play in the pool with Rowan as well as try to swim.

"I think he'd enjoy that."

(Y/n) perched her chin on her arm and smiled softly at the boys as they splashed around. But when one of them began to flick and splash at the others and they all retaliated, she saw Rowan flinch. He twisted to the right and shuffled until his side was pressed into the rubbery plastic edge of the paddling pool, staying close to his mum and turning his back to the rest of them.

He continued to splash for a while, kicking his legs so his heels thrashed in the water and cold droplets continued to scatter across his skin.

He let out hums and little noises that sounded like he was singing while he tucked his chin down into his chest and stared down at the lapping water. He could still hear the music playing in the background, but (Y/n) knew he would be focusing on the closer surrounding sounds. The sounds of the boys laughing and screeching and continuously moving and kicking around the pool was going to be more loud and distracting for Rowan.

After about ten minutes, Rowan flopped his head onto (Y/n)'s arm. He stayed cuddled up in the corner, but he seemed relieved when some of the boys climbed out the pool and ran over to the drinks table.

His stimming continued and he started to curl his fingers and he dropped the spade in favour of slamming his palm down into the water and patting the bottom of the pool. He stayed content as (Y/n) kissed the top of his head and ran her hand up and down his back.

Things seemed to be going well until someone popped a balloon.

Loud noises frightened Rowan. Whenever a car or a motorbike drove past and the engine banged, he would shudder and jump a mile. Balloons bursting made a horrid echo and was as frightening to Rowan as a gunshot to everyone else.

"Boys, be careful please-"

As soon as another balloon popped, Rowan screeched. His eyes screwed shut, his jaw dropped like a silent scream, his version of another stim and he began violently rocking back and forth. His heels slammed down into the pool so tightly and roughly that it would undoubtedly bruise the back of his heels.

"Baby-" (Y/n) bit her lower lip when she tried to move her arms forward to try and hold Rowan, but he fought off her touch. His hands lifted up and planted down on either side of his neck and he began digging his short nails into his skin. He dragged them down hard and fast, raking his fingers up and down until blood welled beneath his fingernails and deep scratches welled up on his skin.

His scream pierced through her ears and when she held his wrists to try and pull his hands away. She didn't want him to have a full meltdown here, not when he'd been having such a good day so far and enjoying himself.

"Baby come on, it's okay, you're okay."

She couldn't pull his hands away for more than two seconds before he was crying and moving his hands back to scratching his neck. So (Y/n) settled for slipping her hands beneath his arms to lift him up out of the pool. His elbows thrashed into her shoulders and chest and when his knee collided with her stomach, (Y/n) choked on the little air left in her lungs.

She managed to get Rowan out of the pool and got him sat down on the grass beside her.

He couldn't keep having a meltdown out here, (Y/n) had to get him inside so he was somewhere quieter, safer and secluded so no one could see. It wasn't fair for everyone to see him like this and it was Denny's party. But (Y/n) could already hear the music had been turned off and everyone was as quiet as a mouse. No one moved closer and all the boys took a few steps back, wanting to help but not knowing how.

None of the team had witnessed Rowan having a meltdown, they had only seen him a handful of times and were still getting to know him.

"Okay buddy, come here."

(Y/n) looked up when Evan was suddenly knelt in front of them, speaking a bit louder to be heard over Rowan's cries. He had taken one of the vacant towels from a nearby chair and when (Y/n) managed to pull Rowan's hands from his neck, Evan swooped in with the towel. He wrapped it around Rowan's shoulders and high up on his neck to prevent him from being able to scratch and draw anymore blood.

As soon as it was around him, Evan swooped him up in his arms and got to his feet. He shivered at feeling his boy scream into his neck and he could feel his legs bashing and kicking into his abdomen to try and get free, but he tried to ignore the feeling.

(Y/n) watched Evan hurry ahead towards the kitchen and she paused in her tracks of following him to look at Karen.

"I- I'm sorry, the balloons-"

"Don't be sorry, he's not done anything wrong."

"You can turn the music back on and carry on, don't let this spoil their fun. Once he's calmed down he'll be fine." It wouldn't be fair on Denny and the boys if they kept the music off and effectively stopped the party. They were all having fun and the party wasn't over yet, they could go back to their games.

This was something that happened for Rowan, he would get frightened or overwhelmed or too stimulated and he would have a meltdown. He would scream or cry or sometimes he just went mute and lashed out of they tried to interact with him. But it was becoming more and more frequent that he would hurt himself, whether that was scratching his skin or slamming his hands on the walls. It was his way of a release.

She made her way into the kitchen to find Evan sat on the floor, cross-legged with his back up against a cupboard and Rowan in his arms. The five year old was leant back into his chest, hands clearly stimming beneath the towel and his body violently rocking back and forth as he switched from screaming to crying instead.

"Alright, it's alright Ro, you're okay." Evan repeated the little mantra a few times as (Y/n) moved to sit down beside him on the floor.

They knew they couldn't overwhelm him with words and too much conversation. They couldn't bombard him and ask what was wrong or tell him what to do or say too many different things because it would just confuse and overwhelm him. The same few things were all he needed to calm him down. He needed reassurance and understanding.

When the shaking started to subside, (Y/n) leaned across and very slowly ran her fingers through Rowan's damp curls, brushing them back on his head so they were out of his face.

She paused and leaned back, unsure what Rowan was about to do when he suddenly writhed in Evan's arms and flung off the towel that was seemingly too constricting for him. But she breathed in relief when Rowan scuttled onto her lap instead.

He stood between her legs with his damp chest pushing forward on hers and he instantly looped his arms tightly around her neck. His cheek leaned on her shoulder and he began panting rather than crying, clearly having exhausted himself.

His eyes locked with Evan while he moved back and forth against (Y/n)'s chest, stimming and rocking in her arms to try and stay calm. But Evan was relieved when Rowan didn't cry or try to push him away when he cupped the back of Rowan's head and leaned over to kiss his temple.

"You're okay, buddy."

He was steadily calming down, and he would be a lot happier when they got back home in his comfort zone where he could relax with both parents.

[regal-bones]

Hi, I just discovered your art through your swords, I am incredibly delighted on how good they look and how clean your animations are! But I can't help but notice there is an underlying lore going on and I want to ask if you have stuff of The Continent available to read. I love nothing more than other people's imaginary worlds and the lore and stories they made for it!

Hey !!! first of all thank u so much, that’s really sweet! And yes I do !! Sorry this took so long to answer I wanted to make a big master post :)

so first of all and as a little disclaimer, the bulk of this project is on hiatus while I work on my video game Last Sprout. (more info on that here!) But I’ve been adding little bits to it every now and then, and still been doing stuff like swordtember to flesh out the worldbuilding! Also a lot of this is quite old (some stuff from about 2020) so excuse if the art and writing is of,,, poorer quality than my recent stuff.

As an intro, I made a little animatic trailer to the series here!

if you want full on written chapters of writing, you can read:

Curated Curios Chapter 1 and 2, and the prologue Peregrine and the Starpainter (I also have a first draft of chapter 3 written which if you want to read feel free to message me, it’s just a lil rough around the edges!) A Map of the Deadlands a web novella with some animated artwork!

Then there’s other stuff! One of them is The Back Room. This is the earliest of all of the projects and has a lot of lore, as well as stuff like DnD stats! There’s a lot of pages so I’ll highlight my faves, but have an explore because there’s other stuff than what I’ve mentioned here!

The Back Room - Artefacts The Back Room - Map of the Continent The Back Room - Races The Back Room - Museum of the Continent (DnD One Shot)

Then there’s everything I have here on tumblr! For this very ask I went through and added the #curated curios tag to everything I’ve posted here on tumblr that’s from the curated curios universe! You can follow this link or the tag on this post to check it out! Most of the artwork and stuff for it I’ve shared here on tumblr!

so yeah! I hope you enjoy !!! This universe is very dear to me and I hope you have fun checking it out :} have a lovely day !!

[veliseraptor]

April Reading Recap

Stars of Chaos vol. 2 by Priest. I'm not quite grabbed by this one yet. I'm not not enjoying it, but the main relationship doesn't quite have me compelled, and the politics aren't quite sharp enough to get me either. I'm not totally sure I'll keep buying the published volumes, at least not at this time, and just read the rest online to see how I end up feeling about it as a whole before making the financial commitment.

Medea by Eilish Quin. Listen, I'm a Medea apologist, but I'm a Medea apologist who is very much of the "she absolutely did all the awful things she's accused of and she is valid" and the author here is going "she did all the awful things she's accused of but it's not as bad as you thought it was because she didn't mean it!" and I'm just. I'm not mad, just disappointed (again). I was so hoping for a book that would do something interesting with a Medea retelling but I probably should've known better than to think it'd be this one. Why, you may ask, do I keep reading myth retellings about my problematic faves when all I do is complain about them? Hope springs eternal, I guess.

She Who Became the Sun and He Who Drowned the World by Shelley Parker-Chan. Exceptional. Might be my favorite books I read in April. I'd already read She Who Became the Sun back when it was first published and knew I'd enjoyed it (was rereading to refresh my memory for the sequel), but I felt like I enjoyed it more the second time around, and I might've liked He Who Drowned the World even more than its predecessor. If you're looking for works of just-barely fantasy with delightfully fucked up queer characters, come get 'em here. I won't say most of them are happy (they're not) or that things end well (they don't), but boy is it good reading.

The Death of Jane Lawrence by Caitlin Starling. Decent horror but not particularly outstanding, in my opinion. I liked The Luminous Dead more.

Untethered Sky by Fonda Lee. I continue to struggle with novellas. This was a perfectly good novella but it felt like it could've been a stronger short story, which I guess is better than the other way I usually come out of novellas, which is "this was a fine novella but it should've been a novel."

The Mountain in the Sea by Ray Nayler. I really liked this. It has more of a thriller-ish edge than I expected, but for all that I think it's a thoughtful book with some interesting things to say, and I feel like it's one I want more people to read so I can talk to them about it. It's set in a sort-of spooky, near-future dystopia, but a lot of it is about, like, the nature of thought and consciousness. Anyway, I found myself compelled.

Islands of Abandonment: Nation Rebounding in the Post-Human Landscape by Cal Flyn. I found myself reading this thinking a lot about The World Without Us, a book I read many years ago and would kind of like to reread, and which I think I liked more than this (at least in my memory). I was hoping for more analysis than I got from this book, which was beautifully written but more nature/travel writing than science. One thing I did appreciate was the attention paid to the human cost of the "abandoned" places examined in this book - the pain that abandonment often signifies, and the trauma it indicates, in spite of the beauty that may come after.

Emperor of Rome: Ruling the Ancient Roman World by Mary Beard. I really liked the way that Beard chose to do this one - namely, taking it by theme rather than by emperor, and breaking down different areas of the emperor's life over time rather than trying to tell a linear narrative. It also let her do some of the better "skeptical" reading of sources that I've read in a popular book on ancient history, where she was actually digging into the "rather than what this says about what this person may or may not have actually done, what does it say about expectations, beliefs, and tropes that people had" kind of reading. And after some of the other popular histories of Rome I've read, thank god for that.

Metamorphoses by Ovid, trans. Stephanie McCarter. Continuing on with my "reading new translations (by women!) of classical epics" run (started with The Odyssey, The Iliad is on my list). It was fun to reread Ovid! As usual one of my favorite parts of this was reading the translator's note and introduction, and I wanted about 500% more of that through the text (tell me about the assonance you're preserving in the Latin!) but did get some of (thanks for the information on the penis/pubic hair puns!). Overall would recommend as a good translation of Ovid that very much does not flinch away from - and makes/keeps appropriately uncomfortable - the sexual assault.

Dark Rise by C.S. Pacat. Slightly more YA than I usually like, but I enjoyed it! I was a little :\ about it for a while, very much feeling the YA cliches of it all, but the late hour twist got me interested again, and I will be picking up the sequel. Did miss the full balls-to-the-wall iddy joy of Captive Prince, though, since I probably wouldn't have picked this book up without the author recognition.

Subversive Sequels in the Bible: How Biblical Stories Mine and Undermine Each Other by Judy Klitsner. I really liked this one, particularly for its commentary comparing and contrasting Eve, and the other women of Genesis, with later Biblical narratives. I don't know how much I buy all of her arguments when it comes to intentionality of all of the comparisons she's drawing, but it certainly makes interesting food for thought, and a good sampler for me of what literary-based Biblical scholarship can look like (and an indication that I'm interested in trying more of it).

Use of Weapons by Iain M. Banks. I read most of my way through this book continuing to really appreciate what Banks does with the Culture novels and planning to continue on reading the next one, but not enjoying this specific one as much as I did The Player of Games in particular, and then I got to the very end of it and went "hang on what the fuck???" but in a decidedly good way. And I'm still kind of thinking about That even though it's been a while, which I think is a positive. Anyway, I don't think I'd recommend this as a starting place for anyone to read the Culture novels, or as a must read, but it was on the upper end of a three star rating.

Juniper & Thorn by Ava Reid. I wanted this to be more gothic horror and less romance and it ended up being more romance and less gothic horror, was my feeling. Not necessarily the book's fault, but if anyone else is eyeing it wondering...now you know.

A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik. I really enjoyed this one! I was kind of skeptical going in - I'm not a big magic school person, as a rule, and the more I feel like something is hyped to me the more I tend to drag my heels about it - but Naomi Novik is really good at what she does and she clearly had a lot of fun here. It's tropey for sure, but I enjoy the narrative voice (very important, in a first person narration), and the action moves along with what I felt was pretty good momentum. The other thing I was worried about - that it'd feel too much like this was just ~commentary on/against Harry Potter~ without saying anything for itself - didn't materialize for me. I'm looking forward to reading the next ones.

The Monster Theory Reader ed. by Jeffrey Andrew Weinstock. I'm so rusty on my academic/theory reading and I felt it reading this collection, some of which was definitely better than others. Kristeva's essay on abjection was particularly rough as far as "I'm reading words and I know all the words but something about the order they're going in is just not making sense to me." Overall...it was a decent primer? There were a few very interesting essays in there; my favorite might've been the one on tanuki in modernizing Japan's folklore, but there were a couple on "monstrous" bodies that made me wish I had someone to discuss them with. That's probably my main problem reading academic works these days: I want a seminar to dissect them afterwards and I just don't have that.

The Sabbath: Its Meaning for Modern Man by Abraham Joshua Heschel. I'm trying to read something Jewish on Shabbat now and finally getting around to reading some Heschel after years of meaning to. I thought "oh, I'll start easy with something nice and short" - yeah, no, Heschel's got a very particular style of writing and there's a lot of theological depth packed into a very short volume. I'm looking forward to reading The Prophets, though.

The Husky and His White Cat Shizun vol. 5 by Rou Bao Bu Chi Rou. I think we're juuuuust about caught up now with the official translation to where I started reading the machine translation, so I'm very excited for (a) things I don't remember as well (b) reading it not in machine translation. Also looking forward to everything about what happened with Nangong Liu and Nangong Xu making more sense this time around, on account of not reading it machine translated, because I didn't follow it so well on my first read and I feel like I'm already doing better. (Though that could also be because it's a reread, no matter how different an experience of one.) Still feel real bad for Ye Wangxi, on so many levels. Mark that one down for 'characters I'd love to know more about what they're thinking.'

The Water Outlaws by S.L. Huang. I really enjoyed S.L. Huang's other work with the Cas Russell series, and I liked this book a little less than those. It felt like an almost winner, for me. Certainly I read through it quickly enough, and I can say I enjoyed it, but I'm not sure I'd give it an enthusiastic recommendation. It falls somewhere in the middle between "a fun action/adventure story" and "something I can sink my teeth into" in a way that didn't quite satisfy either itch. Still, it did make me curious about the source material, which is one of the Chinese classics (Water Margin) and I might go and find a place to read that, if I can; if I'd had that background going in I wonder if my experience of this work would've been more edifying.

--

I'm currently rereading A Memory Called Empire so I can (finally) read the sequel (A Desolation Called Peace); I also checked out from the library the next two Scholomance books so I'll be reading those. I'm going to try to throw some nonfiction somewhere in there (maybe The Genius of Birds by Jennifer Ackerman, which I also have out from the library, but maybe something else), but I've still got the sequel to The First Sister sitting on my shelf (also from the library).

Outside of that I've got no big reading plans - I'm working my way through some of the unreads on my own shelf (despite what it may look like, about the library books) and eyeing The Doors of Eden by Adrian Tchaikovsky or a reread of Foundryside by Robert Jackson Bennett so I can continue that series.

[ddarker-dreams]

Hellooooo I have been DYING to know this from you 👉👈. You know how there's a lot of tips for writing stuff? Well do you happen to have any tips for reading stuff? I want to read the books you recommend but I fear I'm just too dumb 😭 and won't understand what is going on let alone the themes and philosophies discussed. I feel like I would be insulting Dostoevsky by reading his work looool. We were never taught this stuff in schools ;O

I'm talking about critical thinking and analysis skills, media literacy, being able to picture and visualise sceneries; characters' voices/appearances etc., and just overall being able to comprehend one sentence that doesn't use the most basic active voice structure 😭 thank you if you choose to answer!!!!

SWEET ANON !!!! YOU ARE NOT DUMB !!!!

this is coming from a survivor of the american education system, so it might not be universal, but my experiences in middle/high school made me dislike reading books. no joke. i didn't see the point and thought reading the classics was a waste of time. i'm sure that's partially teenager arrogance, but from the conversations i've had with others, reading was rarely framed in a way that stoked intrigue. we're not given the tools to engage with the text so i'm rarely surprised when i see the worst takes imaginable on a piece of media i enjoy from a 14 year old.

i'm still learning myself when it comes to media literacy, it's an ongoing journey. when i read notes from underground for the first time last year i was literally so confused. i can normally read anywhere from 80k-100k words in one day if i'm motivated enough, but NFU, a novella at around 43k words, took me over a week.

i say all this to reassure you that you're not alone!

some advice that comes to mind when reading a dense work:

do some background research on the author. i know teachers hiss at wikipedia for some reason but reading a few paragraphs about the person's life, beliefs, politics, etc really helps put their writing into perspective.

look into the time period it was written. what were the pressing social issues at the time? who was in charge? what conflicts were ongoing/just ended? what was the predominant religion? books don't exist in a vacuum, a lot of the classics are filled with jabs at ideologies the author doesn't like (i'm looking at you, dante).

if the author's from a different country than you, getting a basic grasp on the culture helps a lot. with reading dostoevsky specifically, historical events like the emancipation of the serfs was an entirely new concept to my american brain.

not everything is going to make sense. sometimes the cultural/historical layers go so deep you'd need to have been alive at the time to immediately get it. fortunately, there are nerds with degrees in book who do extensive research and can give insight. i'll think i maybe understand a book okay, go to read a journal article on it, and go ??????? wat???? page 632 paragraph 3 references euclid's optics?? how was i supposed to know that.

finally, you're not going to like every book you read, even if it's well written. there's a difference between persevering and actively torturing yourself with words. if you dread picking it up again, there are other books to check out instead. there are some classics that i don't care for much (some of edgar allen poe's short stories, the fall by albert camus, no longer human by dazai osamu, to name a few).

ask yourself questions while reading. why did this character do that? is there a reoccurring motif throughout the work, and if so, why might the author be trying to highlight that? what perspective is the work from? is the protagonist lucid, are they an unreliable narrator? what themes are being explored here?

i hope some of this helps dsfhgkdjshgks there's a lot to be said on the subject but i didn't want this post to be miles long.

[etoilesombre]

I send you a message asking for fics about 2 weeks ago... i have since read them all and the blacksails brainrot has consumed me. Its not getting better. You were right... 'a month' is not long enough - it will be a decade of me thinking about black sails fulltime at the least.

I have read SO many good fics, honestly this fandom is blessed with great minds and great writers!! Your recommendations were excellent!! (Your fics too)

While going through the flintsilver tag I found a silverflinthamilton fic ('we can lose and call it living') and oh boy did that scratch an itch i didn't know i had!!

So now (after reading silverflint fics for like 2 weeks in all my spare time) I was wondering if you (or you followers!) know any flinthamilton fics. I don't know if that's your jam personally but I would love to read some fics about james and thomas (and possibly miranda) and how their relationship grew!! We see sooo little of it on screen!!

So if you have any recommendations once more, i would appreciate it!!

Hi! really sorry it took me so long to get to this, it has been a hectic week, I hope you see it!! Glad you enjoyed the recs, and I have rounded up some more.

I do read a lot less Flinthamilton(s), but a couple stick out in my mind, and I also crowdsourced some recommendations. I'm going to stick some other miscellaneous pairings on the end as well, in case you feel like further expanding your horizons.

Flintham recs: (most of them are postcanon rather than London era. I too would love more recs for London era.)

The Peaceable Kingdom by kvikindi (~45k words total) A Thomas-at-the-plantation novella length series that is truly beautifully written and engages with some hard, interesting ideas in meaningful ways.

The Sundering Sea by x_art (~140k words) I have not read this one but it comes highly recommended. One thing to note is that it is set post season two and was written in 2015, so BEFORE the ending had aired.

Rip Out All The Epilogues by Thatswherethelightgetsin (~60k words) An AU where both Hamiltons come to Nassau with Flint. This one has a side of Vane/Miranda which is interesting.

A Story Is True/A Story Is Untrue by FletcherHonorama (~210k words) This one is famous and well respected, it's a story told in parallel based on different possible endings, which is a really interesting concept.

Eye of the Beholder by Palebluedot (~2.6k words) Whew, some simple porn to balance out the many thoughtful novels people write for this pairing. They fuck in front of a mirror. It's hot.

5 Times Thomas and James Touched Foreheads Together by daylighthour (~12.5k words) Ok this is my favorite James/Thomas fic of all time, I think about it regularly - and it's rated g, imagine that. It's lovely, and supports my deeply held Autistic Flint headcanon.

NON-Flintham recs:

Ner Tamid by notfelix (~2.7k words) Ok this is technically Silver/Muldoon but it isn't really about that, it's a Jewish John Silver character study complete with cannibalism, oh my. It's great. For ACTUAL Silver/Muldoon I also encourage you to check out the same author's kinkmeme story Taking Care.

Marriage Is For Happy Men by QueerCrusader (~7.5k words) Flintgates, precanon. Flint has to perform a wedding, and has feelings about it. He and his quartermaster spend some quality time together after. This one is SO in character, really makes it work for me.

trust/caution by squidnapped (~5.4k) Also Flintgates. Disaster bottom Flint!! Love of my life!! Just. Just go read it. Trust me. This is one of my favorite fics of all time, also think about it regularly.

theives by ajaxthegreat (~3.7k words) Flintvane after Charles Town. This one is unfinished, but I really love how they talk to each other in it.

like real people do by thegreatblondebalrogslayer (~2k words) Vane is the one who shaves Flint's hair. No porn. You know it's good if I read it and there's no porn.

(If I may be so bold, I wrote Flintvane one time as well, here, try it you might like it)

your legs are the north star by Jaynovz (~3.6k) I can't usually do het at all but it works here. Flintmadi, taking comfort in each other when they're grieving Silver. Love the fealty dynamic, I'm weak for that.

[sydsydneyofficial]

You stopped making comics on itch.io, why

short answer is I've been focusing more on music lately! my main passion is to become a successful musician 😌 Also, I've gotten a job or two since then and that takes up a lot of my free time.

I really love drawing webcomics and I'd love to make more someday, but unfortunately they weren't experiencing a lot of success and required a LOT of time and effort (at least at the high level of quality I was drawing them at) and I had to make some hard choices going into adulthood to decide which of my many hobbies/passions/war crimes etc I wanted to prioritize, because I was struggling to do all of them at the same time. Comics were one of the things I decided to take a break from.

If it's any conscilation, I have written a novel recently called Qui De Foris with cool illustrations if that's up your alley ! It's about a cyborg assassin lady trying to survive on post-humanity earth, and I think I did a good job with it :>

you can find it here https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/59771/qui-de-foris

(here's the old cover!)

I also plan on writing a second short novel (novella?) soon about a gay painter ! we shall see how that goes ehe

[alexanderwales]

The Current WIP List

Inspired by this post by @a-memory-a-distant-echo, this is a list of ongoing works-in-progress, where "in progress" I will define as "I have added at least one sentence in the last year as an indicator of actual mental load being used". This does not include worldbuilding or planning documents, which spring up like weeds. I am also including the ones that I get paid for via Patreon or publication deals or whatever.

Thresholder is my currently ongoing web serial, publishing two chapters a week (in theory ...). It's about a guy who travels between worlds and fights other people who travel between worlds, with each world being a relatively contained book. Currently about 750K words.

Doomsday Pivot! is, in theory, the follow-up to Thresholder, about a start-up that has to make a sudden change in plans when the end of the world gives everyone a character class. First book is rough draft complete but needs some responses to developmental editing, sitting at 104K words. (You can read a noncanonical first chapter here, which I had previously made public on my discord.)

Millennial Scarlet is a webcomic I write about a gig-economy demon hunter. Writing comics is awesome, mostly because I get to see my words come to life. In word count ... I'm not sure right now, but probably not all that much. In the middle of writing the fourth issue right now.

Glimwarden was a web serial that I abandoned, a black mark on my record. I intend to go back to it at some point, because it was my wife's favorite. You can read it up to the point where it was abandoned here. There are currently ~3 unreleased chapters, but most of the effort put into it has been rewriting it and bringing it up to snuff, as well as fixing some problems with it. Will get a relaunch at some point, probably, when I'm ready to commit to that. No idea on the word count.

Untitled Dance Magic story is probably a short story, currently ~5K words. It's based around a magic system where people do ballroom dance to create architecture, and is a somewhat traditional romance and/or coming of age story. I started writing it on a whim after a conversation with @etirabys at LessOnline, and hopefully they haven't started their own story, and hopefully if they have, hopefully their story doesn't overlap mine. I'll check before posting, hoping to get this one finished and out there.

Kensuke Fucks the World is an existentialist horror erotic novel, which I describe as being "like the Erogamer, but sad". Currently 75K words, and might never see the light of day. I think I can wrap it up in another 25K words, but I think it needs a lot of work.

Long Stairs will probably be novella length in its finished form, and will probably not be finished. It's an old story, which predates Worth the Candle by a few months, and is about a military fireteam making a routine delve into an endless shifting dungeon that the US military has already pulled a lot of magic out of. Medics with clerical healing, wands and firearms, high fantasy and military. There's unfortunately some stuff in there that I cannibalized for WtC that needs to be changed so it's not a repeat, but nothing structural, and there are a lot of plot beats that I enjoy in both the 15K words that are already written and what's in the notes. I did not put a bunch of work into this one, but it was one of those cases where I was reading through old stuff and got enough of a head of steam that it latched onto me again. (I also don't know enough about the military or how to write that kind of stuff, which is one of the reasons that this fic never got my full attention.)

The Lot is a story that's basically just "the backrooms, but with cars". It think it was inspired by a tumblr post, but probably won't be finished, since it's probably novella length. Currently 9K words, more a character study than it is about people stuck in an infinite parking lot and scrounging off what they can find in glove compartments.

Kitchen Sink is a bureauporn/bureaupunk novel about the agency created to deal with the rise of mutants circa 1977. Currently a mere 9K words, but the plan was for each successive part of the book to focus on another genre being discovered by the department, so you'd get a book with wizards, with vampires, with aliens, etc., mostly with a focus on how these are handled on an administrative level. No way I would ever be able to sell it, unfortunately.

Robot Team Isekai (not its real title) is about a van full of kids on their way to a robotics team meet that get transported to another world where their individual specialties grant them awesome abilities in a "your hyperfixation makes you perfectly adapted to the fantasy world" kind of way, but for five people with different hyperfixations. 2K words, probably will never see the light of day.

Full Meta vol. 2 is a novel about a group of high school students who get metafiction powers, so like ... one girl gets the ability to read the text of the novel they're in whenever someone is engaging in exposition, one guy can read the flashbacks, someone can read all the romance scenes or whatever, and they have a dysfunctional time dealing with each other through college and into adulthood. I fully recognize that calling it "Full Meta vol. 2" when no first volume exists is a gimmick title and would be confusing enough to immediately turn people away.

Dark Wizard of Donkerk was an old NaNo novel, but got halfway dev edited before my dev editor on that one flaked. I think it's a good story, just a matter of getting into the guts of it and making it great, but that takes time. 173K words, but this is old old. If you like rough, unpolished creative output, you can read it on my website.

Untitled Hermione/Draco fanfic is, uh ... I guess according to the logs was something that I put effort into in late 2023. I have read vanishingly little HP fanfic, and I'm sure there's a ton of this stuff, and that some of it is even good. This one doesn't adhere too much to canon or fanon, and is mostly about trying to write a realistic racist who falls in love with someone he's racist against. 14K words, I cannot believe I added anything to this recently, but apparently I have.

Technically by the criteria set out, I should count all seven of the NaNo test chapters I wrote. Of those, the only ones that have retained any brain space are "The Inevitable Return of Nathaniel Greene" and "Dungeon Core".

There are a few more that are technically outside the arbitrary time limit of one year, but I'm going to include them because I have thought about them in the last year (and will not include the ones that I have not thought about).

Of Witches and Wizards is what I thought was a romance but was told does not fit the apparently pretty exacting mold of a "romance novel". It's about a widowed witch whose two sons have left for college and a wizard who travels the world writing about places for a travel guide. They fall in love. Tons of worldbuilding stuff as they visit different cities and see the breadth and beauty of magic in the world. 15K words right now, was going to be a nice and slender novel.

Eager Readers in Your Area was a short story I wrote a year and a half ago. The WIP is a novel-length version of that about ... art, artists, AI art, dealing with people online, and a bunch of other stuff. I wrote an outline I thought was quite good, but if the short story is the first chapter, then I want an equally good and tight second chapter, and that's hard to do.

Slaver Slayer (not final title) was about a slave who assassinates a high-ranking member of the kingdom and through an oversight gets a magical artifact that might possibly let her kill her way through the monarchy in an attempt to end the institution of slavery. The other protagonist is a detective who's grappling with his complicity in the system and is trying to stop her. Made it to 13K words. Another one of those that was outlined to be a nice tight novel.

[mcsquared789]

BIG UPDATE FOR FEBRUARY!

Just a few hours ago, I put on the finishing touches for Iron Man: War Machine and completed it. LET’S GOOOOOOO!!!!

With that, the fic is done! Unfortunately, it took longer than I expected to finish it… so that means when it comes to the slate going forward, I am going to have to shift things a bit. But this timeframe between now and March gives me a lot of breathing room to change how I write. This is also taking into consideration that I now have to return to college pretty soon after a long break, so I must warn you going forward: I’m going to have less time to work on this stuff.

That’s not gonna stop me, though! 🤪

Here’s the deal for what will happen the next few months:

I am going to write (and post!) the next one-shot starring Phil Coulson: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor’s Hammer. That will be in the last week of February, and will close out the month — because after this, I will be working on

Widowmaker (at last). I have finished outlining and am ready to write this novella… a very new process for me, because I have little to no reference in the MCU to pull from. I will be flying blind, and that both excites and terrifies me. So I hope above all that I am clever with my characterisations of Black Widow and Hawkeye!

And Thor. Yep! I am to be working on both the novella and this main fic at the same time, so I can start getting a head start between what I write and when I post.

That leads me to the posting schedule — right now, the goal is to publish Widowmaker throughout March once I’ve written enough of it, and write chapters of Thor around the same time. Once Widowmaker is completed on AO3, I will then begin posting Thor… and hopefully by then, be well into that fic.

That’s the plan, everyone. This way, I both become more efficient and able to give you something whenever I am held up by assignments and whatnot… but of course, in the case I can’t deliver, I will update you to let you know. If there is a time where that may happen from now until June, I’d reckon it be around the end of May… but we’ll have to wait and see.

Thank you for reading this everyone! I hope you all enjoy the end of War Machine! 🤗

[jasper-book-stash]

October 2024 Reading Wrap-Up

The eight books of this month really made me experience the whole span of human emotion. And maybe a couple of the shrimp ones.

Religious Text

None applicable.

1/10 - Why Did They Publish This?

None applicable (thank the gods).

2/10 - Trash

Pure Magic: A Complete Course In Spellcasting | Judika Illes

The amount of times I screeched about citing sources or admitting that the author has none...I didn't get too far. The author was wholeass pulling things out of her ass. This is the epitome of bullshit "feminist" pseudohistory. I couldn't even get to the parts about occultism because the bullshit made me throw the book.

(Side note, I don't think it's very "feminist" to depict women of the past as having a beautiful matriarchal society and then having that taken over by men... Like girl, you are actively shitting upon those who came before you! You are downplaying their struggles and lying!!!)

3/10 - Meh

Horses And The Mystical Path: The Celtic Way Of Expanding The Human Soul | Adele Von Rust Mccormick, Ph.D., Marlena Deborah Mccormick, Ph.D., Thomas E Mccormick, M.D.

Here's the thing. Except for the emphasis on combining a whole bunch of cultures together as Celtic, this was just...not the book for me. I'm not Christian, I'm not struggling with finding my faith in any way, and while I like horses I don't care much for the approach. It was just...boring to me.

4 to 6/10 - Mid-Tier

The Husbands | Holly Gramazio

This was a decent book. It's about a husband-producing attic, and the main female character trying to find out what's going on. But it was very difficult to keep up with all of the characters (because their details often changed with each husband) and the female character got to the point where she was just regularly speedrunning husband options. It feels like this was a little too long for what it was. I probably would have enjoyed it more if it was a novella instead of a novel. But hey, it was a debut novel, and we always love to see more authors coming up and out.

7 to 8/10 - Good With Caveats

Mead Mishaps 2 and 3: That Time I Got Drunk And Yeeted A Love Potion At A Werewolf & That Time I Got Drunk And Saved A Human | Kimberly Lemming

I read and enjoyed book one in September, and book two was just as good and fun, with a mystery incel cult going on. Book three was a little less enjoyable than the first, because it felt like it was setting up for things that never came through, and there's only so much new stuff you can tread with the same approach of "male dragon and [redacted for spoilers] human woman". But it was still stupid and fun and very, very horny. And these ones put content warnings in the beginning, which is very nice!

Mothman: Behind The Red Eyes…The Complete Investigative Library | Jeff Wamsley

My overall feelings about this book is that it's fine, the author's interviewing skills suck shit. There are a lot of newspaper clippings and some of the formatting makes me want to chew rocks, but it's otherwise pretty good. We take a very interesting detour into aliens and the Men in Black. It's also important to note that this is apparently the second Mothman book he's written and he repeatedly references the first one, which I do not have, but it also kinda stands on its own.

It's funny because I did not buy this book. My stepdad's coworker heard my stepdad talking about hopes to eventually go to West Virginia to see the Mothman statue and just. Had the book. And gave it to my stepdad.

Honestly, what a fitting way to acquire such a book.

9/10 - Very Very Good

Providence Girls: A Sapphic Horror Romance | Morgan Dante

This book made me want to chew a hole through sheetrock. That is a compliment. DEFINITELY mind the content warnings. Spoilers coming up, but the spoilers aren't actually that surprising when you remember that this is a Lovecraftian lesbian romance.

So the framing of it is that it's letters between Lavinia Whateley and Asenath Waite. Lavinia escapes being sacrificed in Dunwich and runs until she winds up in East Providence, where Asenath finds her and takes her in. Asenath is slowly turning into a fish person because she's from the mess going on in Arkham and they live together and it's simultaneously an analysis of Lovecraftian horror, living in the 1930s, and sapphic romance. They're so freaking cute.

Lavinia's letters are framed as being post-Azzie's fishification while Azzie's are from before that, but the letters alternate to create a linear narrative despite this non-linear framing.

10/10 - Unironically Recommend To Everyone

Doing Justice: A Prosecutor's Thoughts On Crime, Punishment, And The Rule Of Law | Preet Bharara

If you've been paying attention to the most recent posts on this blog, you're not going to be surprised that I've been going insane over this book. Narrative nonfiction wasn't one that I thought I would enjoy, but now I know that I do. There was only one part that I had to skip, personally, because of the details discussed...but honestly, it was so good. I look forward to reading more of what this author writes.

[megalony]

This Is Fate- Part 5

Thank you all for the lovely feedback on this Dark! Evan Buckley series, I'm so thrilled to get back into writing this one.

I hope you will all like it, please let me know what you think.

Taglist: @justagirlthatlovedtoread @musicistheway @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @luula @missdreamofendless @bradleybeachbabe @woderfulkawaii @amberpanda99 @daggersquadphantom @marvel-and-chicago-fan @angryknightstatesmantrash @minjix @lyje @kmc1989 @itsmytimetoodream @noonenuts @hiireadstuff @ashie-babie @classyunknownlover @jayyeahthatsme @sp1ritssz @dumb-fawkin-bitch @oliverstarksbae @gimatida @heart-35 @supernaturalstilinski @kyky9103 @wutheringhearts2275 @gay4hotmilfs @itshamleth @chaoticnosleepinfluencer @gs29 @wh0reforsmutstuff @mel-vaz @natashamea18 @chrisevansdaughter @alexandra848484 @deena-beena-weena @targaryenluvs @kpoplover-19 @marvelmenarebeautiful @gillybear17

@zoeybennett @mrspeacem1nusone @zephyrmonkey @estella-novella @eleventhdoctorsangel @kniselle @senjoritanana @shauna-carsley @dottierose @cfdhouse51 @darkfemme1 @rainechase45 @lolalolsstuff @jupiter1700 @ashdoctor @an-aliens-ghost @lunaroserites @houseoftwistedspirits @callsignwidow @winterreader-nowwriter @reneinii @bellsbomb @western-pyro @itsgigikay

@5hundreddaysofsummer @soryuwifeyxx @targaryenluvs @xobarbie

Evan Buckley Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Summary: Eddie is surprised when his little sister comes to LA, pregnant, and asks to stay with him. She needs a fresh start away from her ex, but things take a bad turn when she finds out her ex works with her brother. And he won't let her go so easily.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's him. Eddie… it's him, he's the father."

"What?"

A cold sweat began to lick at Eddie's skin when he looked down at his sister who couldn't stop from looking across at Evan who had taken a few steps closer towards them.

This wasn't right. It couldn't be true.

How could it be Evan? How could Evan be the father of her baby? How did they even know each other six months ago?

He began to shake his head until (Y/n) clutched his arm even tighter and tried to hold back a sob. She pulled on his arm until he stepped closer to her and he moved one hand to cup the back of her neck when she leaned into him.

"No, no." Eddie darted to look over at Evan who was suddenly one foot away from him. Arms still folded over his chest, a look of pure anger and frustration written across his face. But it was his eyes, so intently focused on (Y/n), that had Eddie's blood surging to his chest and igniting his heart. He couldn't look at Eddie's little sister like that! He couldn't stare at her with such a hateful burning intensity like she had done something wrong.

How could it be Evan? (Y/n) said her ex frightened her. She said he would look at her phone, control where she went and who she saw. She said he barely let her breathe on her own and got to the point where she couldn't leave the house without telling him. That wasn't Evan, he wasn't like that. He had never been like that with any of his exes, he had never shown that side to Eddie or been anything but loving and kind around Chris.

But Evan had been off work over a year ago, after his accident. They all knew he had left LA to recover after his operations. They knew he had gone to recuperate and get better, and the time away seemed to have done him some good.

Could he have met (Y/n) while he was away? He never said he had been in the same town as Chrissy and (Y/n). He never mentioned either of their names… but he said he met a girl. He told them all he met someone special, he said he had never met anyone like her and thought she could be it for him.

Everyone had been under the impression he was in a long distance relationship.

It made sense. Evan was infatuated with (Y/n), he believed what they had was fate, he was always telling everyone about fate and how he believed in it. This explained everything. It explained why (Y/n) had been so jumpy when she came here, why she didn't settle even when Eddie thought she was now safe and sound with him. It explained why she didn't want to meet or be around the team, why she never agreed to go out with him and Evan together.

Oh God, when she came to the station with Chris, and she fainted. Was that Evan's fault too?

"No, no… not you? You're the one who terrorised my sister?!" Fury bubbled up in Eddie's voice and he had to remind himself not to shout because Chris was in the living room. Shouting would catch his attention and if Chris learned this situation it would make everything ten times worse.

Could this even get any worse?

Those words made a growl vibrate deep in Evan's chest and he unfolded his arms from his chest to clench his hands into fists.

That wasn't fair. He hadn't terrorised (Y/n). He loved her. She was the girl he hadn't been able to get out of his head, the one he had been telling the team about for months. She was the girl fate had brought back to him. Evan loved her, he would never terrorise or hurt her like she had tried to tell everybody. Evan wanted to love and cherish (Y/n), and she was having his baby. He would never do anything to upset her or the baby or put them in danger.

"No. I love every bone in her body," His eyes glanced down to (Y/n) but she wouldn't meet his gaze. This wasn't how she wanted to tell Eddie and they both knew it. "But she's not taking my daughter from me."

The way Evan's eyes locked with (Y/n)'s caused her to shiver and she tightened her hands around Eddie's arm as if it would do her any good.

She had done the hard part- or, Evan had done the hard part by dragging out the truth and involving Eddie. Now her brother knew what was really going on, and everything was going to get worse from here on out.

Evan couldn't keep coming round, playing the best friend and uncle role with Eddie and Chris, Eddie would never allow it. He couldn't try and pretend he and (Y/n) were in a happy relationship when Eddie knew the truth and would do his upmost best to keep them apart and look after his sister. Things at work were going to be strained between them.

What would Maddie do if she found out? She had escaped an abusive marriage, would she be able to cope if she found out her beloved brother was heading down that same path? The truth would cripple her.

(Y/n) felt the need to get up and disappear. She wanted to make a break for the door, to run out and grab Chris and take him out to let them both breathe and recover and relax. She wanted to get away from Evan and leave her brother so she didn't have to break his heart and explain this whole mess.

But when (Y/n) shifted an inch on the bed and tried to straighten up, her gaze interlocked with Evan.

It was as if they were the only two people in the room, in the house, in the whole entire world. All she could see were those ocean blue eyes, darkening by the second until they looked like black holes that were consuming her entire being. She could see the beginning of tears glossing over his eyes, but they weren't tears of anguish. They were full of paranoia, of anger and resentment but surprisingly still welling up with love. The obsessive side of him was flaring up and even Eddie could see it now.

She couldn't try and rise to her feet because when she moved, Evan inched closer. He was anticipating her trying to make a break for it and his stance told her he wasn't going to allow that. He was moving in to stop her from being able to dash out the room without him. She wasn't running away from him.

When he inched closer, (Y/n) leaned back at the same time that Eddie stood in front of her, placing himself in the way like a human shield. He didn't want Evan to look at his sister, let alone get close enough to touch her. Not after what he'd just learned.

"You're not taking our baby anywhere without me." The dark tone in Evan's voice was matched with his hand, uncurling from a fist to point towards her stomach.

If (Y/n) went anywhere, Evan was going with her. If she disappeared, he would find out where she'd gone and keep tabs on her. God forbid she tried to leave LA, Evan would be hot on her heels to bring her back again. He'd been lucky enough to find out about the baby before (Y/n) had her in secret and if (Y/n) had her way, he wouldn't of known at all. But now he knew, and he wasn't letting either of them disappear from his life.

"I w- I wasn't running away. I needed t… time to think," (Y/n) knew she didn't have to explain anything. She didn't owe Evan an explanation or a reason and she didn't have to talk to him if she didn't want to, but she felt like she needed to.

She needed Evan to know because she didn't want him to be angry with her. The last thing (Y/n) wanted was for Evan to think he couldn't trust her. He had tracked her phone when they had been together. He knew where she was going, who she was with and what she did every moment of the day because he tracked her movements.

That was the reason (Y/n) never got any antenatal care back home, because she couldn't risk Evan seeing her going to the maternity ward at the hospital and finding out. Not that it mattered anymore.

But if he thought she had been packing up to disappear for good, again, he would get overwhelmed and he would revert to desperate measures to keep her and the baby within his sights. (Y/n) thought if she could try and reassure him and calm the situation down, they could talk through this. With Eddie; somehow.

"You don't have to explain to him." Eddie carefully peeled his arm out of (Y/n)'s hold so he could rest his hand on her shoulder instead. He squeezed gently and stayed as close to her as he could manage while his eyes intently burned into his best friend.

The only person other than (Y/n) who Eddie thought he could trust his life with. Not anymore.

"She does if she thinks she's leaving again. If I didn't come back to work when I did, I wouldn't have known I'm gonna be a dad." Evan's dark, manic eyes darted between the pair of them before eventually settling on (Y/n) again.

"Why the Hell do you think she left you in the first place? You're sick, Buck-"

"I'm sick? I didn't high-tail it down here in the middle of the night to get away from my family or responsibilities. I wasn't the one who didn't want to tell you the truth."

"And what is the truth?"

He wanted to hear him say it. Eddie wanted to hear those words from Evan's lips. He wanted him to admit how cruel he had been to (Y/n) by frightening her and practically smothering her. He wanted Evan to admit he had been wrong and he was still acting wrong by being pushy and pestering and damaging towards (Y/n). Eddie wanted the truth to come from Evan's lips so he might just be able to believe it.

Evan took another step closer until there was limited space between him and Eddie, but they both knew he wasn't trying to get close to him. Evan wanted to be as close as he could to (Y/n), but to intimidate her or just to be in her presence, Eddie couldn't be sure.

"Your sister's having my baby. And whether you like it or not, I love her, so get used to me being around. You can't keep me away." His eyes darted down to (Y/n) as he spoke those last words and his hand reached out for hers before she could realise what he was doing.

"You bastard!"

Evan's fingers barely curled around her hand before Eddie fist connected with his jaw and sent him reeling to the right.

"Eddie!" (Y/n) tried to reach out for her brother, but he was already pushing Evan backwards with both hands scrunched up in his shirt. And (Y/n) didn't dare move from her spot on the bed when her legs had turned to jelly and her stomach was starting to ache and weigh her down.

Eddie pushed until Evan's hips hit the chest of drawers behind him and he pinned his arm down across Evan's throat, applying just enough pressure to make breathing difficult.

"Get out. Leave!"

Each word sneered past Eddie's lips and when he pulled back, he twisted to the side and gave Evan a shove towards the door. But the other man didn't seem to be listening.

Evan locked his eyes on (Y/n) and tried to hold his hand out towards her, as if she would want to leave the safety and comfort of her home and go anywhere with him. Anywhere with Evan wasn't going to be or feel as safe as staying here and trying to apologise and explain to her brother.

"(Y/n), come with me. We need to talk-"

"You honestly think she wants to go with you- that I would let you anywhere near her after the shit you've done? She's not going with you, so leave." Eddie did his best to control his temper.

He knew just what it would do to Chris if he heard or saw his dad kicking his best friend out the house. He couldn't do that to Chris. They had to think of something to say, something to tell him, a way to explain that Evan wasn't going to be coming round anymore. That they wouldn't be seeing him again because Eddie couldn't trust his son with Evan if he could get as manic as (Y/n) said.

"So you can help her take my daughter away? No."

"(Y/n)'s not going anywhere. She's not safe unless she's with me and you are not touching my sister ever again, Buck. Now get out. I don't want Chris knowing how fucked up you really are."

Evan looked like he wanted to disagree.

And he did. He wanted to rush forward and take (Y/n)'s hand. He wanted to get her out of here and take her home with him so they could talk in private and work out what they were going to do, because he wasn't letting it go like this. He wasn't letting Eddie have his way and rip him out of his own daughter's life and keep him away from (Y/n).

He didn't want to walk away from here and come back tomorrow or the day after and find that Eddie had swiftly carted his sister off to some safe haven where Evan couldn't find her. He didn't have the time to go searching for her. He needed (Y/n) close by, being without her felt like horrid withdrawal symptoms, it felt like his heart was coming out of his chest and every inch of his skin was split apart and bleeding him dry.

He couldn't be parted from her again and risk not seeing her or their baby. He wanted to feel the kicks, the movements and he desperately needed to be there at the birth of his first child. If (Y/n) left he might not find her in time and he was going to be in his daughter's life, no one was going to prevent that.

But Evan could see that he wasn't going to get his way right now. Eddie would fight him and Evan didn't want to upset (Y/n) when she already looked like she was in a bad state. Upsetting her would make her sick and could upset the baby too; he wouldn't risk that.

With his hands held up at his sides, he grimly nodded his head with burning desire written across his face.

He started aiming for the door, but he turned to look back at (Y/n), murmuring "I'll see you in two days," over his shoulder before he walked out.

(Y/n) knew that that meant.

The scan.

He was going to be there. Now that Eddie knew, he wasn't going to let Eddie take her. There was no point hiding it now. Evan would do whatever he had to so he could have an hour off work and take (Y/n) to her scan, so he could see for himself if their baby was alright and hear what the midwife said.

Silence enveloped the pair of them as they waited in turmoil, guessing Evan was making an excuse to Chris to explain why he wasn't sticking around for them all to go out for tea like they planned. Three agonising minutes later and Evan was out the door which rattled behind him and (Y/n) felt woozy the moment he was gone.

At least with him here she had some sort of help to explain, but then again, Evan wouldn't explain, he would twist the situation or outright deny anything he didn't like the sound of. He wouldn't have been much help and he would of riled Eddie up.

She dropped her head into her hands and let the tears fall down her face. Her shoulders quaked ad trembles took over her entire body. This is what she had been frightened of. This is why she didn't want to tell Eddie, because now she had gone and ruined everything. If she never came down here in the first place, she wouldn't have turned Eddie and Chris's lives upside down and she wouldn't do the same to Maddie when she eventually found out.

She should have stayed with Chrissy. She should have told Evan she was pregnant and try to work the situation out between them.

Tears cascaded into her palms and dripped between her fingers that were starting to dig into her temple while her palms pressed into her mouth and cheeks until she was about to smother herself.

What had she done?

"I- I'm so sorry."

She couldn't bear to lift her face from her hands and look at her brother. Not after what she had just done to him.

She had unwittingly got into a relationship with his best friend and when it turned sour, she brought all her baggage and problems here to Eddie's doorstep. When she found out Evan lived here, that he was the famous 'Buck' Eddie was always talking about, she should have left. She should have gone back to Chrissy or gone home to their parents and found a place of her own, away from everyone.

She should have left again and risk Evan chasing after her to try and find her. It would have been better than walking in and ruining Eddie's life like this. His work life would forever be changed, his friendships were now going to break apart and it was going to wreak havoc on everyone at the station.

All because of (Y/n).

She almost jumped forward when an arm suddenly curved around her waist and she felt the bed dip beside her.

Eddie flopped down on the bed, letting all the energy dwindle and drain out of him as he did. His right arm swooped around (Y/n)'s waist and he gently pressed a kiss to the back of her head while he murmured "You have nothing to apologise for."

He couldn't see why she was apologising when she hadn't done anything wrong. She hadn't asked Evan to turn as possessive and controlling as he did. She didn't make him stalk her or prowl after her and become so attached to her that he couldn't let her move without telling him. She hadn't done anything to warrant any of this, and Eddie wouldn't have her feeling guilty for it.

"Why didn't you tell me it was him? You… Dios, (Y/n) you've been around him for weeks, and all this time," Eddie ran his free hand through his hair while his other arm tightened around her waist. "All this time, I told him how happy I was you're back, how worried I was about you- and it was all his fucking fault!"

She should have told him. From that day she fainted at the station, she should have told Eddie. He could have protected her, he would of done something, anything, to keep Evan away from her.

Instead, Eddie invited him round for dinner and let him take (Y/n) and Chris out to get them both out the house and have some fun. He let Evan talk to (Y/n) and he openly talked to Evan about her. He told him how worried he was about his sister, how she was coping, he talked about the baby. Eddie did everything he shouldn't have done.

All this time, he had seen his sister panic and grow increasingly worried, and he had no idea why. If he'd of only asked, pushed a little and found out the truth, he could have kept her safe.

(Y/n) wiped her hands across her face before she leaned her head on Eddie's shoulder. She could feel her headache coming back with vengeance and the baby was kicking up a storm from all the adrenaline and hormones rushing through her blood.

"Chris loves him, you- you're so close… and now I've ruined everything-"

"Hey, hey don't say that. You haven't done anything, he's the messed up one here."

"This is why- why I didn't tell you. When I realised he was the guy you and Chris always talk about, I didn't know what to do. You work with him, Chris loves him, I can't- you can't… he's in our lives now."

(Y/n)'s hand moved to cradle her stomach and she looked down as if she could see her little girl. The person she was trying to protect. The reason she had left and come here in the first place. The person (Y/n) didn't want Evan to control or frighten or get possessive over.

She couldn't just walk away and expect Evan not to find her. He wanted to be in their daughter's life and (Y/n) wouldn't have the heart to stop him. When he didn't know, it felt easier. She told herself she could do this alone, she could have this baby without him because Evan didn't know and he could live in ignorance.

But now he knew, he was never going to sit back and be able to carry on with his life if he couldn't have his daughter in it. He couldn't go through life knowing he'd missed her birth or her first steps, her first words, seeing her go to school, being there when she was ill, holding her hand or just wanting a cuddle. He couldn't miss out on any of that.

(Y/n) couldn't walk away when he was woven into all their lives. Chris wouldn't understand or cope if Evan was suddenly no longer in his life, and Eddie worked with him. He relied on him, they couldn't cut all contact and try to leave him behind.

"He… he's always felt unlucky, every girl he's loved has left him even when he didn't do anything. It must make him paranoid or something… you said he didn't hurt you, like grab you or anything though, right?"

Eddie wasn't trying to imply that what Evan had done was okay or justified, but he could start to see what had driven Evan to be so controlling when it came to (Y/n). Every relationship had blown up in his face, every girl had left him or he had to leave them for his own sake. Nothing worked out.

Now, he felt like (Y/n) was the one and somehow, Evan thought he had to fight against all odds and control fate to make sure nothing went wrong. But in doing that, he had pushed (Y/n) away.

He almost hated to ask and when he looked at his sister, the wariness in his eyes was clear. He couldn't imagine Evan hitting anyone he loved, it wasn't in his nature, and Eddie certainly couldn't envision his best friend hitting his sister. It wasn't something that was worth thinking about, lest he wanted to send himself insane.

"No! No he- he was controlling, I was suffocating with him, but he didn't… he punched someone for hitting on me, but he never hurt me."

(Y/n) couldn't picture Evan hurting a loved one either. The way he talked about Maddie and the 118, they were his family and he loved the bones of them. He loved Eddie like the brother he never had and Chris was like a son to him. Evan would never hit, attack or be physical with any of them, he would rather have them punch him like Eddie had just done than raise a hand to any of them.

He would never hurt (Y/n) in that way, she felt confident in that, and he would never hurt their daughter. (Y/n) had no doubt he would treat their girl like a little princess, she would be his entire world and nothing would be more important.

But that only made (Y/n) more worried that Evan would become dramatic. He would become overwrought with panic. He would be more controlling over (Y/n), he wouldn't let their daughter out of his sights. If he had been tracking (Y/n)'s phone and getting angry if she didn't tell him where she went, how was he going to be if he didn't know what his daughter was doing each day?

"Jesus. What are we gonna do? If you don't want him involved you just say the word and I'll- I'll talk to Bobby, we can get a plan in motion, keep him away from you and the baby. But I think he'll put up a fight."

"Eddie, all he's ever wanted is kids and a family… I can't- I can't just take her from him. It would make him worse."

When Eddie looked down and realised both (Y/n)'s hands were shakily cupping her stomach, he sank his teeth down into his lower lip and tugged her closer into his side like he was pulling her under his wing.

(Y/n) couldn't take their daughter from him, Evan wouldn't let her and she couldn't be that cruel. Not when all Evan wanted in the world was a family and to have what he never got growing up. He wanted to be the father he missed out on all his life, he wanted to have a family, to have kids to dote on and a partner to love.

Could (Y/n) really dangle that in front of his face like this and then be cruel enough to take it away from him?

That would kill him.

"Then I'll meet him somewhere and talk it out, I'll lay down the rules. He can't try and control you or crowd you, I don't want him alone with you either. We'll try and make this work, somehow, if that's what you want. And if he does anything, you tell me and I'll do what I have to. I'll keep you safe."

Another flood wave of tears poured down (Y/n)'s face as she buried her cheek into Eddie's shirt and wrapped her arms around him.

He would put her first, even if she didn't want him to. He would tell Bobby and Athena, he would tell the whole team and he would go to the police if he had to, in order to keep his sister safe. He would always put her first.

If (Y/n) wanted to try and let Evan be involved with the baby, Eddie would help. He would supervise, he would ensure that Evan couldn't control her or try and get possessive over her. He wouldn't let Evan be alone with her or influence her, Evan wouldn't be able to spin tales and get a grip on (Y/n). He would be allowed a minimal path in (Y/n)'s life and he would have to prove himself if he wanted to be involved with the baby.

Eddie would keep them both safe and he would do whatever he had to in order to make that work.

"Thank you."

"(Y/n), please don't try and leave. I know you're scared, but I'm always gonna look after you and the baby too. I'll always take your side, but I don't want you to think you have to run away to protect me. Let me keep you safe, okay?"

Eddie couldn't stand the thought of (Y/n) feeling like she had to leave so he and Chris would be alright. She wasn't going to ruin anything and she wouldn't be making problems for him or the team and their family. Evan had burned those bridges already, he had caused this. But Eddie wouldn't have (Y/n) thinking her only option was to run off, frightened and alone.

He would look after her and he wanted her here with him where she was safe and surrounded by family in case anything happened. He wanted her to have her baby with family around her and a home she was safe in. Not back with their parents where she felt isolated and alone and fearful, or in a strange town she didn't know in an unsafe area.

"I won't, I promise."

***

A shiver crawled down (Y/n)'s spine and she found herself taking a step closer to Eddie when she turned around from the check-in pad. Her shoulders hunched up and she reached her hand to the left to slide her hand into Eddie's.

She felt her brother take a step closer to her and he looked up from his phone in his hand to glance at her, wondering why she had suddenly tucked herself into his side. But when (Y/n) remained stiff and silent, Eddie looked around.

His upper lip curled and a growl burned at the back of his throat when he looked at the waiting area.

Evan.

She knew he would turn up. (Y/n) just had a feeling that Evan wouldn't let this go. He wouldn't let her attend this appointment on her own, he would want to be here, especially now he would be worried that (Y/n) might try and leave town. Coming to the scan today proved she wasn't going anywhere and let Evan reassure himself that she and the baby were okay.

Evan looked relaxed; (Y/n) didn't expect him to look so comfortable and at ease when she knew what was running through his mind. She knew he was on edge. He couldn't relax when he was at work because him and Eddie wouldn't be on speaking terms and the rest of the team would cotton on. He couldn't go to Maddie and vent because she was under the impression all was fine between him and (Y/n). And now he would be fretting that (Y/n) would take his baby from him.

But looking at him right now, no one would think anything was amiss. Evan was reclined in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs, knees spread apart, arms folded over his chest and a cocky, lopsided grin on his face.

With his hand tightly grasping (Y/n)'s, Eddie led them over towards Evan, no matter how every bone in his body was screaming at him to walk away. To sit at the back row instead of the front, to drag (Y/n) to stand near the corridor and wait there as far away from Evan as possible.

Eddie sat down next to Evan, his back straight as a board and both hands now tapping away on his thighs. He turned to the left and looked over at Evan with a raised brow and a steel expression that gave away how angry he was right now.

"I told you to stay the fuck away." His voice was quiet but guttural and his upper lip stiffened.

The intent in his voice was clear. Not only had he instructed Evan to stay away from his sister, but he'd also told him not to try and come here today. Eddie had the day off while Evan was supposed to be working, so he and (Y/n) had gone out earlier this morning. They wanted to be out in case Evan tried to call by the house because they knew he had wanted to be here today. Neither of them thought he would turn up before them.

"You really thought that would work? I've got every right to be here." Evan uncrossed his arms and sat up straight, but when he leaned around Eddie to try and look at (Y/n), he sighed as Eddie leaned in the way.

"No you don't-"

"It's my baby-"

"Stop it, you're both giving me a headache." (Y/n) rubbed her temple that was starting to throb again before she slouched in the chair. Her knees pushed forward and her spine clicked as she shimmied like she was melting into the chair.

Arguing wasn't going to do anything. Evan was here and he wasn't going to leave, they may as well let him stay. He couldn't do anything or be any sort of threat at a hospital appointment, and it wasn't like (Y/n) was going to be left alone with him at any point.

Her head tilted back and she closed her eyes, hoping it would ward away the headache forming behind her eyes. If the boys were going to sit here arguing then (Y/n) would move and sit away from them, she wasn't in the mood for arguments.

She had spent the last two nights either crying or staring at the ceiling in despair. She barely slept, she had barely been focused at work yesterday and now she felt sluggish and worn down. Nothing was going the way it should. This was supposed to be a happy occasion full of excitement and love but all they felt was despair and panic.

(Y/n) had barely gotten anything ready for the baby and she had less than three months left to sort everything out. She would probably still be living with Eddie when she had this baby and that wouldn't be fair on him or Chris, despite how often they both said they wanted (Y/n) to stay with them.

(Y/n) could feel herself getting lost in her dwelling thoughts until her name was called out and she opened her dreary eyes. She moved one hand to Eddie's thigh to push herself up and she smiled when she felt his hand on her lower back.

Once she was up, Evan moved his hands to his thighs and pushed up with creaking knees. He clicked his neck from side to side and stretched, but he rose a brow when he felt Eddie's hand on his arm. The touch wasn't careful or considerate or comforting like it usually was. Eddie's touch was cold and almost malicious as his fingers punctured into Evan's arm.

The silent message was clear; Eddie didn't want him going in there with (Y/n) and it was punctuated by Eddie about to get up from his seat. Right until (Y/n) placed her hand on his shoulder and shook her head.

"Eddie… you don't have to come in, there's a midwife in there with me." She didn't want him to think he had to come in and keep her safe.

There would be a midwife or a nurse in the room all the time with her, (Y/n) wasn't going to be unsafe or in a dangerous situation with Evan. She had to go in now and there was no point trying to deter Evan and get him to wait out here. He wanted to see his baby on the screen and see for himself if she and the baby were okay.

There was nothing Evan could do that would frighten (Y/n) in there, he wouldn't get demanding with her or ask where she was going or try and make her go home with him after the scan. It would be okay.

Besides, (Y/n) wasn't sure she'd feel all that comfortable having her big brother stood in the corner of the room watching as she took her top off to be examined or watching her get weighed and checked over. The midwife might find it strange having the uncle in the room with them for no apparent reason.

"You ever heard of the uncle being at the scan? She'll think this is a weird threesome." Evan cast a look down over his shoulder at Eddie, shrugged his hand off and followed after (Y/n).

He didn't hear whatever Eddie mumbled and he didn't want to know either. All he cared about was following after (Y/n) into the room.

(Y/n) tried not to bristle or pull away when she felt Evan's hand press down against her lower back as he walked behind her into the consulting room. She knew he was getting close because Eddie couldn't see them anymore and no one in here was going to say anything. He knew she wouldn't have the nerve to push him away in case the midwife thought something was wrong. She wouldn't want to cause a scene.

"How are we today?"

"Good… tired." (Y/n) rattled her fingers through her hair, shaking the strands away from her face.

She tried to keep her eyes on the midwife and concentrate on the few questions she was being asked, but all (Y/n) could feel was Evan's hand on her back. And the way his fingers curved around to hold her hip, or the way his thumb would glide up and down her skin every now and then. She could feel him standing so close behind her that she felt each breath he took pushing out against her back.

When they used to be together, back home with Chrissy, (Y/n) would lean up against his chest. She would drop her head back against the middle of his chest and feel his arm curve around her waist like an iron bar or a protective belt.

He used to say it helped him control his balance and gain more strength back in his bad leg to be able to pick (Y/n) up her hold up her weight like this.

"That's okay, let's see how you're doing."

She could feel his eyes burning into the back of her frame when she moved out of his grasp to stand on the scales as the midwife directed.

Once she was off the scales, (Y/n) couldn't help but glance across to the right to look over at Evan. She could feel her palms beginning to sweat as she pulled her shirt up until it was tucked beneath her bra, exposing her stomach. But all (Y/n) could look at was Evan.

She watched the way he leaned back against the chair in front of the desk. He slouched his hips back comfortably, crossed one leg in front of the other and reached his hands behind him to grip the back of the chair. He looked so casual and somehow loving, stood there like that with a small grace of a smile ebbing away at his lips.

The button up shirt he wore with the fire station logo across the right side looked a size too small for him and with it being short-sleeved, it exposed his arms. Every time he squeezed the back of the chair, the muscles in his forearms and up his biceps would dip and change.

(Y/n) could feel the start of tears stinging the corners of her eyes. Why couldn't things be different? Why couldn't they be a loving couple having a baby, like everyone else? Instead of whatever they were to each other now, with their lives entangled and everything knotted up into a big tangled mess that even fate couldn't undo.

She saw the way Evan's lips curved into a grin when the midwife assessed her stomach. He looked like he wanted to reach out and do the same. As much as Evan had tried to be close to (Y/n) whenever they saw each other or met up, he couldn't do very much.

(Y/n) had never known him so calm as he had been the day she went to his apartment and fell asleep on the sofa. He had laid with her for hours, not talking, babbling or jittering or getting uneasy about anything. He just curled around her, his hand- and occasionally his lips, on her stomach, cuddling as close as he could to her.

The look in his eyes right now showed he wanted to keep being that close to her, Eddie's warnings be damned.

"That all looks good, let's get you on the bed and see how baby is."

(Y/n) kept her shirt rolled up over her stomach and she slowly followed after the midwife, but when she passed Evan, she felt her blood tingling in her veins and her teeth sank down into her lower lip.

He kissed the top of her head.

His hand reached out for her hip and gave a light squeeze. His other hand grazed up and down her shoulder. He was taking liberties because even if the midwife did turn around, she would only smile or blush. She wouldn't say anything about a doting couple sharing affection, or what she presumed to be a doting couple.

It felt good to sit back down again, (Y/n) always felt tired when she sat down but she couldn't sleep. It didn't matter what she did, her mind came alive with worries and possibilities and every wrong thing she had ever done in her life.

She tried not to close her eyes, knowing if she did she might just fall asleep, but she wasn't sure where to look. She didn't want to stare at the midwife and make her uncomfortable, and her eyes kept flitting over to Evan, but every time she caught his eye it seemed to stir him on because he grinned or winked.

She settled her gaze on the monitor and stiffened so she didn't wriggle when the sonogram pressed down on her tummy like it was trying to burst through her bladder.

When she felt Evan's hand slip into her right hand, she didn't pull away or say anything. As long as she didn't look at him, it would be okay. As soon as they were out of this room, (Y/n) would be back at Eddie's side and Evan would be back to playing by the rules.

With his free hand, Evan carefully glided the back of his hand across the side of (Y/n)'s stomach. His touch was light in a soothing up and down motion for a few moments. But a grin spread across his face and he pressed the back of his fingers down firmer when he felt a kick against the back of his hand.

"That's my girl."

"She's feisty," The midwife commented with a grin and turned up the sound so they could hear the heartbeat.

"Is she okay?" (Y/n) was surprised how calm her voice sounded and she smiled up at the screen. She had been a bit nervous that all the worry and the stress over the last week or two might have caused some problems or unsettled the baby.

"Everything looks good, placenta is in place, blood flow is good… you still have a bit too much fluid though."

"Is that bad?" (Y/n) glanced up at Evan, wondering if his expression held even an inch of worry because she always knew if Evan worried, then she had cause for concern too. But he looked as calm and placid as ever. His eyes were focused on the screen with his head tilted to one side, but his knuckles were still ghosting up and down the side of her stomach where he felt another kick.

"It's not bad, but it looks like baby is going to be a bit smaller than normal. Nothing to be concerned about though, so let's get some printouts, and then I'd like to do blood pressure before you go."

A jolt ran through (Y/n)'s body when she felt a gentle touch beneath her chin, tilting her head away from the screen and leaning her head back so she was looking up at Evan.

"Stop worrying; everything's gonna be fine."

She wished she could believe him. The only thing that was fine was the baby at this point. Nothing else was okay, their relationship was screwed, their friend group and families were now intermingled and confusing and going to get harder if Eddie told the team about Evan. (Y/n) looked like she was going to be living with her big brother for the foreseeable future.

She was going to make a mess of everything and let her parents down and she had walked in and ruined Chris and Eddie's lives. Nothing was going to be fine, no matter how badly (Y/n) wanted to believe that it would.

But she found herself nodding along, trying to encourage herself to stop panicking like Evan said. Worrying wasn't going to help her or the baby, she needed to take things one step at a time. Everything was okay, for now.

She heard Evan mumble "That's better," and figured her features must have relaxed as her eyes had darted down to gaze at her stomach.

But every one of her senses lit up and sent her blood congealing in her stomach when Evan's finger and thumb pinched her chin and tilted her head back up again. The touch made her panic that he was going to say something bad or suddenly demand something from her, like the time he demanded she stop lying to him and give him her phone for proof. He liked to check her phone, he liked to be reassured she wasn't planning anything or talking to people about him.

He didn't say anything. Instead, he swooped down and stole a kiss.

The touch was burning. His lips were scolding and firm and full of everything he'd wanted to say and do over the last few weeks where they had been kept at arm's length.

His thumb stroked along her jaw and when (Y/n) gasped and tried to lean back, his tongue swiped past her lips and the edge of his nose brushed against hers as he leaned down over her. His other hand stayed pressed against the side of her stomach and (Y/n) could feel everything he was pouring into the kiss.

He wanted to stay here forever, trapped in this moment. He wanted to be wrapped around her without the effort and the eventual conflict with Eddie that would happen in the aftermath. He wanted to kiss (Y/n) and hold her and touch her bump and gaze at both his girls without anyone telling him it was wrong or he was overstepping the mark.

He wanted to be with his girls, and he would do anything he had to in order to make that happen.

[gabeorelse]

advice i would have told myself when i started querying literary agents/trying to get published:

it's okay if your book doesn't find an agent. ESPECIALLY your first book. listen. i have written 10 books and queried 5. this doesn't count half finished drafts, fanfics, novellas, short stories, etc. 10 novels. 5 i felt good enough to get an agent. and tbh, if i could go back and query probably 3-4 of those books (without rewriting them or something) i wouldn't. i love them dearly, but they're representative of my skill level at that time period. they're not representative of my skill now, or what i want to write now.

to add to this: right now it's harder to find a literary agent than ever before. there aren't a ton of literary agents out there. the industry is incredibly hard to break into. when you get to a certain skill level, it eventually becomes about hitting what the market wants at the right time. there's a point in the process where the factors to your success are not all within your control.

don't dwell on one project. move on to the next. okay i feel like we all have that ONE project that we're obsessed with. like we have other projects, other ideas, but there's that one magnum opus, dream project, etc, that we dream of getting into the world. however, writing and rewriting a single project is not going to improve your skills and broaden your horizons the way moving on to other projects will. I'm not saying DON'T come back to it, but i've seen times (including with myself) where authors stagnate because they dwell on one project, trying to beat it into something that will be THE ONE, and in the end, they're not getting the breadth of experience that comes from writing new characters, new types of plots, new settings, new genres, etc. this might not apply to you and that's okay! but i've seen it before and i thought i'd mention. like you don't need to ABANDON your dream project, but put it aside once in a while and write something else. you'll grow as a writer.

don't lose yourself in your desperation to get published. for a long time, i was so focused on publishing that it became paramount to my writing. the end-all, be-all. and eventually, i had to ask myself if i'd truly be happier as a published author once the excitement of the accomplishment wore off. when i asked myself that, i realized that...not really? i want to write because i love my stories. i want to share them, yes, but sharing stories in the publishing world is a different beast. you'll get bad reviews, bad-faith takes, etc. interacting with fans might not be the best idea (we've all seen how that can backfire). realizing that my worth as a writer didn't depend on whether people read my work or put it in print made me a lot happier. i enjoy the process so much more.

tbh i have a lot more thoughts but im not even sure tumblr is the right audience for this so ill leave this here. and i also want to say if anybody on here has a book they plan to query, im happy to take a look at the query and/or first chapter. i've queried a lot of books and my current has a pretty high request rate (!) so i swear i know SOME things lol. but either way, i hope this helps some people! it's what i wish i'd heard 5-6 years ago lmao

[ijustkindalikebooks]

October was an interesting month my friends, but now the good stuff is coming, Halloween, Guy Fawkes, Christmas, New Year, My birthday and then Galentines, like that's a whole stream of good things (well you don't have to celebrate my birthday, that would be weird but it's there) and also I hope that we will see the first women president, no matter how disheartening it is to see how close the race is, if you are in a swing state please vote, if you're not please vote, your democratic voice is essential.

How to vote guide here.

These are my favourite books of this month, there's a manga in here, there's a graphic novel, there's a novella and there's a novel sort of, it's a novel but short stories that tie together, but I loved it anyway and I hope you can find something here that you will enjoy here too, I hope you had an amazing October and a November full of hope. please, give me some hope.

The Girl From The Other Side by Nagabe (vol. 9) - I've now completed this series of twelve books, and though the end does for me leave so much unanswered about what goes on, I really did enjoy some of the volumes that made up this series. The story of Shiva and Teacher and insiders and outsiders, this series makes you emotionally invest in these characters, which are brought to life by beautiful artwork throughout the whole series, I would recommend it highly.

Mammoths At The Gates by Nghi Vo - part of the Singing Hills Series, Mammoths At The Gates can be read alone, but I highly recommend this whole series. Following Cleric Chi as they return back to their monastery after a long journey, finding mammoths at the gates owned by the daughters of the head monk who, well I don't wanna say too much. The characters are so richly written in a world built so well considering how few pages these books are. I loved this book and can't wait to read more from Nghi Vo.

What You Are Looking For Is In The Library by Michiko Aoyama - I don't know still how I feel about how sometimes the body of the librarian behind the desk is described sometimes, so heads up for fatphobia but I would still say this book is excellent. Beautiful stories that bring growth to people in a way that doesn't include ghosts but a very smart librarian, I loved this book because the people were so tenderly written, it felt like a love letter for hope and humanity. I would recommend this to anyone who needs a little comfort read.

The Girl From The Sea by Molly Knox Ostertag - A beautiful graphic novel about a girl who meets a selkie, this graphic novel is a beautiful story that's told through stunning art but also a very real tale of growing up and figuring out the person you are. I really enjoyed this story and I'm so glad more stories like this are being told. All young people should be able to find books that they can see themselves in and I just found this one delightful.

these were my favourite books! What were yours? I'd love to know.

Vee xo.

[bee-and-the-slimes]

2024! (owo)/

First of all, Happy New Year. 🎉 *pfooot*

Second of all, thank you for still flooding my inbox with questions, lol, I'm glad I'm still on your mind, despite having slowed down considerably over the last year. I'm trying to pick and choose the best of them to continue and my "I need to park my butt and work on X" list keeps getting bigger, so thank you to those who have been patient. It's hard to keep up when you have so many ideas percolating and have to juggle a job, a house, hobbies (soooo many hobbies), and friends and family. Here's hoping 2024 can keep me going. Trust me, Bee loves your attention.

Thirdly, I know I've not been very big on talking about the Me behind the slimes, but I originally set out to keep Bee and co as a separate entity from what I normally do. Partially because I have a terrible potty mouth and a lot of my other works aren't really set up for a PG-13 rating, so I kind of wanted to keep that separate for a bit.

That being said, my New Year's goal basically boils down to "Read more, Write more, Draw more" -- one I hit the ground running toward this week. It may be more Bee, it may be more of my other comics, but if I'm silent here, maybe you might be interested in some of the other stuff I do? I haven't stopped doing, I just haven't been doing it here.

Maverick Hunter: Special Forces - Do you like Reploids? I like Reploids. Like, way too much to be considered normal.

SYSTEM.Reload is an attempt to adapt 20 years of RPs and lore building around my and my friend's characters after events of the Megaman X video games. It's a sequel of sorts to an earlier comic RIPtheSYSTEM, which was a collaboration between me and a friend that we started in 2003 and let fizzle out in 2007. .Reload started out as an Ask Blog that never went anywhere, and I just shrugged and drew 250+ pages of characters doing things under the guise of a plot. I don't pretend to know what I'm doing, I'm just kind of enjoying the ride. It's a lot more rudimentary than my actual ART because comics take time and I'm an impatient woman who will physically explode if I don't get my ideas on paper.

My biggest goal is hoping to finish out Part 2 this year. I have the majority of Part 3 written and Part 4 laid out, but I promised myself I'd hit a 2022 goal to complete Part 2 and failed that pretty miserably.... mostly because I keep going back to smooth out wrinkles instead of just finishing the thing.

I genuinely try to keep it censored for Tumblr, but Delta has the temper of a gangster with the mouth of a drug problem.

My DeviantArt - BUT WAIT, there's more! If you aren't sick of OCs or Reploids or OC Reploids you might like my page of art dump. It's where the rest of my stuff gets tossed that isn't Slimes. I don't really draw fanart that much, so mostly my work of upcoming comic panels and ideas that I haven't gotten to work in SYSTEM.Reload yet, commission work, short stories, plushies, or just RP related stuff that I felt like drawing out.

And everything is related.

Everything.

Right now I'm obsessed with working on a short story novella about a vampire named Alecscander St. John, who sucks (hurr) at being a vampire. Born in 1842, he left Texas in 1864, watched his uncle hang for a murder he didn't commit, and 'died' in 1876. I plan to be very mean to him as he tries to build a life for himself while his ex-wife holds a grudge and his adopted sire makes his life miserable. :3c Because I'm a writer. I write. And I've read too much Dresden Files to see everyone get a happy, boring existence...

So... yeah. Here goes... It's 2024.

Wish me luck.

[l-e-morgan-author]

Writing Newsletter #2: April 2024

Still not figured out website hosting, so this is still on here. I also haven't edited the two stories I plan to provide as a signup gift, so that's not ready yet. Anyway, if you want to be on the taglist for this monthly newsletter, say the word and I'll add you.

Writing update

My main project is still Patience, Changing. The mental health aspect to it has been more pronounced in the last few weeks, although my writing has been variably swift. I’ve enjoyed getting to know my characters, and am eager to work on more that fleshes them out after I’ve finished with this; I’ll probably write a novella about both Connie and Hannah at some point. Novellas are an incredibly freeing medium: they can be filled with Plot, or they can just be a whole lot of vibes packed together. They won’t be the Best Novella Ever, of course, but it does give a chance to explore vibes without necessarily having a significant amount of plot going on.

I’m getting closer and closer to Hannah’s death. I know I’m going to have to go back and write her properly into the story, since she barely occurs and her death is going to have a significant effect on Patience. I’m not looking forward to writing it, but anyway. It has to be.

As far as word count goes, I’m up to 115k total, being around 35k written since last month. Most of that is on the novel, with some drabble work (some of them shared and some put in the novel so effectively serving double duty) and a couple of specific scenes from different planned novellas (like the one I wrote for the Furious Fiction that didn’t get anywhere but I’m pretty happy with—that’s 500 words or fewer). My momentum is not as strongly forward carrying as it was, but I think that’s just something that varies anyway. I’ll be glad when I finish this novel; I hope to finish writing it this month and then do further work on novellas while I let it rest, or perhaps back to the Inklings story I am tentatively titling Metamorphosis of a Girl, Hadassah’s story. I could go back to Hands Made for Gentleness, but that may be darker than I should be looking at at present. I’m not entirely sure what this month will bring, hence.

Reading update

Since last month, I’ve read a bit more of Walking on Water and Cry of the Raven. I’m loving both of them. I’ve also completed Wintergirls (a reread—an excellent though disturbing book), Billabong Adventurers (reread—one of my favourite books), Billabong’s Daughter (reread—also one of my favourites), The Sound of Music (another reread—and one I absolutely loved, more than I expected) and Captain Jim (another reread—the Billabong books again).

So all of the books I’ve read recently have been rereads, but I’m really enjoying them. I’m currently reading From Billabong to London, Cry of the Raven, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, and Walking on Water.

Ramble

Oh hello, it’s the ramble section again. My mental health has been comparatively amazing lately, which helps with some things but means that I’m not doing as much “aaaaa I’m feeling So Bad let me Write The Pain Away”, which is… both good and bad. It’ll take a bit to adjust to feeling Like This (positively), and I’m still struggling with motivation and all that (in part because, interestingly enough, a lot of my motivation in the past has been stress-related, and now that I’m not as stressed (either that or Too Stressed) I’m not sure how to motivate myself).

I’m sure I’ll figure something out here presently. Anyway, please contact me and let me know what works best or what you’d most like to see! I need the advice.

Drabble

I Will Be With You

I need someone to guide me, Connie wrote in her diary. I need someone who I can believe to tell me that it’s okay to care about myself. I know all the stuff the psych says about being worthy of attention and love but I don’t believe it. I need someone to believe in me, I think. But I don’t know how to find someone who’ll do that in a way I won’t just discard what they say like I do so many people. I need someone who’ll be there. But then again—they say the sun rises every day.

No photo of Ransom this time, sorry!