#i havent told this story to a lot of people so i thought id share

[drawcupidsbow]

Hi i made a post on instagram about the top five games i played for the first time this year and thought id share it here! none of these are in any particular order. except the last one. my favorit....

first up is oneshot! it took me wayyyy too long to play this game. oneshot feels kinda like one of the staple rpg maker games, yet i went into it pretty much completely blind, "finished it" in one sitting, found out there was over half the game left, played the rest, and cried real hard. such a good game that breaks the fourth wall in really interesting ways. and also it has niko who doesnt love little fella niko

♡

second is halope! this is a game i had never heard of before my friend ángel (@raccoonlover333) told me to play it and i feel like i still dont really see people talk about it? it has a very unique style i think and each of the areas have their own atmosphere and feel to them (aside from the fact that all of them have distinct color palettes lol). very lovely game i enjoyed it a lot. also one of the first times i played a game with multiple endings and felt satisfied not going out of my way getting any i missed ? i enjoyed what it had to offer and didnt feel the need to pry for more (good thing)

♡

hard shift from story based rpgmaker games but next is webfishing. webfishing is good. its so good youve probably heard a lot of people say this by now but its just so fun and calming to sit around with friends and fish for hours. theres something special about the kinds of online games where theres a physical space you share with people, especially those you havent met in person. makes you feel like youre there with them. and also you can get a man i love fishing shirt whats not to love

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o yea baby farming sim. this game is so charming and has a lot of quality of life features that i feel are missed in other farming sims. it is still in early access so i cant be too harsh on it, but i will admit that the characters feel a bit too flat currently. a lot of nothing burger dialogue which isnt always a bad thing but when 20 characters tell you Hey this weather huh? must be good for farming! its hard to differentiate their personalities in your mind lol. im sure thatll be added to in the future though like i said its still ea and only has enough content to last you about a year in game. what it does have is very fun though and i would recommend it

♡

You knew it was coming be honest. where do i even start. technically i Did play isat for the first time last year, however, it was for like one hour and then i didnt pick it up again for half a year. so it counts to me. and also i take any excuse i can to talk about this game

in stars and time is a game that portrays characters and relationships in such a realistic light to a degree ive never seen in any other game. it makes it so easy to immediately become attached to this group of friends despite knowing them for less than ten minutes. its a very emotion heavy game. and who can forget the time loop Ohhh yes the time loop. siffrins slow decent into hopelessness and anguish after failing to escape time and time again is something rarely shown in time loop media i feel. at least to this degree. madoka magica comes pretty damn close though lol. also looping in time and zoning out through dialogue (and doing so having consequences) is such a cool game mechanic

while im talking about isat im slipping its prequel game in too, start again start again start again a prologue (or just start again). this one, though much shorter and more of a proof of concept, feels much more harrowing in the ways it pulls it off, especially without a certain characters presence. but i wont say more than that as to not spoil it teehee

this game changed my life for the better. and has been causing me psychic damage every day for 8 months. heart ♡

♡

and thats some of my favorite games i played this year! there were more but not enough for it to be 10 and 5 was a nicer number than like 7 lol. happy new year! i hope this year treats you all well and i cant wait to draw one million fanarts as i have been doing for the past 5 years. Yayyy

[blodofring]

how do you stay sane with all the trans bs and violence from men? Sometimes it feels so heavy and that society is always catering towards them it makes me feel hopeless :/

well im not sure i will call myself sane, i dont think anyone can be in this society. i very much relate to you and i think being sane in this environment is the actual insanity.

i've tried to cultivate and seek out friendships and spaces where views like ours are supported. knowing hundreds of thousands if not millions of women (and even men) feel the same way is very reliving. knowing one is not alone. having a safe space to discuss our struggles without being harmed. there are many communities online that are popping up where women can freely share our struggles and anger without being silenced.

also i do think times are changing and there is a pushback against transsexualism and male violence. even if trans is pushed by the elites, i feel like your everyday average people are getting sick of bending over backwards for the minority and are peaking at the ridiculous demands from that group. most people, if they feel safe there wont be any repercussions, will admit they think its ridiculous. more public figures are daring to speak out againt the cult and i frequently see detransition stories being told now. as for male violence, that too is being fought against and brought to light by brave women, like in Iran. things like the porn industry is also being cracked down on, with having to vertify your age by official id etc in several states, more people quitting and speaking out on how harmful it is.

and ending friendships and setting boundaries with people who impact you negatively. i've come to realise i have to cut off most my male friends, as they are silently contributing to womens oppression. even if they havent harmed me, our beliefs are fundamentally incompatible. watching incel commentary, making excuses for abusers, making sexist jokes etc isn't something i want in my space. thats time and energy is better spent on people who contribute positively to my life. actually i will go as far as to say that being a "man hating wrench" has made me an awfully lot happier and optimistic about the future than i ever was as a handmaiden, and a much softer, loving person altogether. awareness is power, knowing your enemies makes you stronger, and having boundaries gives you a space to let your guard down and relax safely. careful of who you let into your circle, protect your energy, and cultivate healthy female friendships.

this ended up very long, it is something i am very passionate about, so thank you so much for asking. i hope you can find a space where your thoughts, ideas and beliefs are validates and safe, and that you'll find your hope ♡

ps my ask box is always open if you or anyone else needs someone to talk to, rant to, or just chitchat

[fruit-teeth]

Story time: weird hand-me-downs from my cousin

Okay so this happened when I was really young, and it forever haunts me. It wasn’t really bad, it was just...weird, I guess??

So when I was growing up, my family wasn’t making a lot of money. My dad had a really shitty job and my mom just wasn’t getting paid, and as a result of this my parents were always looking for ways to save money.

One way of saving money was to accept used clothing from different sources, so when I was really little my mom started getting hand-me-downs from various family members or friends. I ended up with a lot of clothes, which was awesome! Even if they were a bit old, I had favorites I would wear to school (my favorite one was of a cat riding a skateboard with the words ‘too cool!’ written underneath).

But my favorite person to get hand-me-downs from was my much older cousin. I got clothes from her less often than I would from other people, but whenever she did send me something I was always so in awe because she was always so fashionable and I remember thinking she was the coolest.

Anyway, one day, my aunt stopped by with more clothes. Except this time, she had more than just clothes with her: my cousin had recently cleaned out her closet, and she was giving me all the stuff she didn’t want anymore. I was so hyped, and the minute my aunt left I started opening all the boxes.

The stuff my cousin left me was...a very strange assortment of items, to say the least. Firstly, a ton of Spongebob stuff: like a Spongebob alarm clock, a pair of socks with Patrick on them, a Spongebob radio (which only played one song, the ‘FUN’ song), and a Spongebob joke book. I wasn’t allowed to watch Spongebob as a kid, so my mom didn’t let me keep all the stuff but I managed to keep the joke book.

The other stuff, though, was very weird. There was, I shit you not, a Jehovah’s Witnesses’ kids book complete with pictures. This was really strange because no one in my family is a Jehovah’s witness, so I have no idea where my teenage, goth cousin could have ended up with that. I remember thinking it was just a normal storybook, but it wasn’t until I reread it years later that I realized what it really was.

There was also a karaoke machine, and I remember feeling absolutely excited when I saw it because I LOVED singing (I was in my Cheetah Girl phase, oh the memories) and right away went to turn it on. But the thing is...I didn’t know any of the songs. I flipped through all the tracks and they were all very, very old songs. I can’t recall any of them by name, but the one I do remember is the Charlie’s Angels theme, which I had never seen that show at all so obviously I didn’t know the theme song. I tried to learn the song, though, just so I could show off my singing, but I think my mom ended up selling the machine later...

But by far the most memorable, strange item I got from my cousin (and also the thing I got the most use out of besides the clothes) was her perfume collection. These perfumes were SO old, they smelled SO strong, but I was a naive child and I was just estactic to have perfume of my own.

Now these perfumes...they had the worst smells. There were about four of them, and the first two scents were cotton candy and gummy bear. The cotton candy one smelled like a very intense combination of cotton candy and bubblegum, while the gummy bear perfume smelled like Kool-Aid, but like, Kool-Aid that’s been left sitting in a punch bowl outside on a hot day during a pool party. That’s the best way I can think of to describe it.

The other two scents were even weirder: they were teddy bear and slumber party. I’m not joking, those were the names of the smells. All the bottles had pictures on them of what they were supposed to smell like, but the teddy bear scent had a picture of a raggedy looking teddy bear on it while the slumber party one showed a group of giggling girls with sleeping bags.

Now you might be thinking, “Oh, well maybe the teddy bear one smells like honey and slumber party smells like candy!!” NO. Teddy bear smelled like cinnamon mixed with Windex and then topped off with Axe Body spray (I almost think my cousin mixed it with a different perfume at some point), while slumber party smelled like feet with the fakest, sugary smell layered over it.

It was horrible, but I was a dumb kid so of course I covered myself head to toe in the cotton candy perfume every morning before school. Out of all of the scents, that was the only one that smelled normal to me, so it was the only one I wore. I ended up losing teddy bear after the bottle spilled in my drawer and soaked a bunch of my clothes, and while the clothes were washed they still had the faint smell of Teddy on them. I’m pretty sure my mom threw out the rest of the perfume while I was at a friend’s house, because she hated every single bottle. She bought me actual perfume after that.

This was over a decade ago, and I thought about bringing it up to my cousin when I saw her at Thanksgiving, but she probably doesn’t remember. She also has a baby now, and my mom and I joke all the time about me giving him my old body spray when he gets older.

[stardustpinkart]

Free Tickle Art Prompts

*Deep breath*Okay here goes. I never know what to say, I, get so nervous writing or reaching out, even if its digital XD

But yeah, I was thinking. Ive done some free art prompts before, and I see a lot of artists get commision work for ticklign art, and I wish I did too :) Im not as into it as I once was(more in my teens), but its always something I thought was cute, even as a little kid. I didnet understand it back then but I’d get a senstaion of fun, enjoyment, when seeing tickling scenes in cartoons and stuff :)

I guess part of it, not being asked, is not being that well known an artist? So, heres trying to rectify that.

I’m gonna open five slots, and take into considerations peoples ideas of what they might want to see. Ones already filled, as I liked the idea and right now Im getting back into HP, SO, tickles my fancy right now :) Pun intented.

Oh gee, where to start.

Uh, I prefer cutesy playful tickles or “Mock torture”, yknow like how in cartoons or tv they use it as the cruelest method, “tickle torture” is the worst possible thing they could face. But I am curious about more adult stuff too, and sometimes think Id like to give it a go, see if I could? My arts always been cute, been told that all my life and proud of it :) But, try new things?

What else what else... Well Im open to a lot of ideas, I like stories, I like animation, and Im always looking for new things so I think that Im familiar with a good deal of things? And even if Im not, well, you can ask, if I have a reference, easy as pie. It would also make it easier if your very precise and detialed in what you want, if you have a particular idea in mind :) Saves me redrawing for a start

If I think about fandoms Ive explored, gotten into, or enjoy, most recents would beeee...

Avatar: The Last Air Bender

Infinity Train(Hey if you havent seen this show, you should! Friggin most amazing cartoon I’ve ever seen)

Harry Potter at the moment(was into it as a kid like everyone, finding myself rexploring it at the moment).

She Ra, the Dreamworks remake.

Owl House, I especially like the characters Luz(I wouldve killed for a herione like this as a kid, oddball sweetheart, most of us were the oddball who didnet fit in) and Hunter

Disney, Pixar? I like most of there movies and Coco and Luca were very cute :)

But thats just a cheat sheet of whats on my mind right now, I like a lot of things. Ask me, i might be familair with the fandom you fancy. HOW THIS WORKS, is like a lottery. This is not first come first serve, more taking a chance?Im the same with commisions, if my hearts not in it, I wont draw it. BUT when your stuck for ideas it can be very helpful to get suggestions, and something you think would be really fun to draw, well, never would have thought of unless someone suggested :)

I like to put all my art up because, well, work so hard on it and cant share it? Dont like that, thats just a rule with me. HOWEVER im totally cool with you wanna to be anon, I understand the want of privacy.. Heck here on tumblr you can ASK anon.

Thats parlty why Im doing this on Tumblr, its more likley to be seen, people send in there ideas. I also ask you not harrass, if I take an idea on I will do my best to finish it :) So I ask in return people try and be patient.

Your more than free to check my gallery too, to see if my style is something youd like. Just check under the tags darlings

Well, lets see what happens. I hope this proves fruitful.I really really hope people will ask

Slot 1: Harry Potter Suggestion

Slot 2: Owl House Suggestion

Slot 3: Luca Suggestion

Slot 4: Owl House Suggestion

Slot 5: Little Witch Miyako Chan Suggestion

[quokkalatte]

I havent posted on here for awhile but I wanted to talk ab something that's been on my mind recently and I've been dwelling on it a lot lately. And it comes to supporting a friend, when they tell you they have a crush on someone.

When your friend approaches you, whether it be through text, face time, or face to face, and they tell you that they have a crush on someone, you want to be supportive right? You want to tell them "ooo ask them out then!" Or something along those lines. And if they get nervous about it, and are scared that their crush will reject them, do not say "what's the worst that could happen? Theyll reject you?"

Becuase yes. Rejection IS a worst case scenario. It might not seem big. Your crush not liking you back, so you pick yourself up and move on. Or at least that's how some people would view it. But the thing is, if you dont know a person's history when it comes to romantic interest, saying something like that can be damaging.

As I've grown up, and developed crushes on people, and when I would confide in friends, that's normally how the conversation would go. They get giddy and excited, and tell me I should ask them out. And that was okay, but over time, it wasnt. Because every. Single. Time. I would get rejected. My first crush on a boy was in elementary school. And ever since two months ago, every time I told a boy I liked them, they would reject me, often in a cruel manner.

When a freind of mine would say "the worst they can do is reject you" I would get this feeling in my stomach, and I would always think "exactly. That's the exact WORST thing that could happen. Becuase rejection hurts, and it affects others differently.

There are those who can just pick themselves up and move on. No harm no foul. But for people like me, those experiences stick to you and morph you.

Hitting Middle school, the rejection got worse. I had three small crushes in the span of three years. And every single one had found out. When I told them, they looked at me funny, and would leave to their group of freinds. And they would tease me. And laugh at me becuase I was different. I wasnt the skinny pretty little girls like the others in my class. And it was around that time I'd realised that. After the first two, there was a third. This experience is probably where alot of my issues resolved. And it was only 6th grade.

I didnt even tell him that I'd liked him, a classmate found out and told him during recess. We were waiting in line to go back inside for class, and the school I went to we had uniforms. Mine always fir tightly becuase I was bigger than most of the girls in my class. I remember I was wearing my favorite blue jacket and the khaki pants we were required to wear. When the classmate ran over to the boy I'd liked, he'd pointed at me and told him. The boy turned and looked at me, and got the most disgusted look on his face, and shouted "EW!" Before walking away. I proceeded to get upset. The classmate approached me, and in a pitting manner told me he didnt think that my crush would react that way. The girls I were freinds with said horrid things about the boy I'd liked, but the only thing that I could think of was the look of disgust on his face at the simple thought that I'd had a crush on him.

And it stuck with me. It still does. Containing through high school I became more reserved when it came to the guys I liked. I never told my friends who my crushes were, and when they outed me about it, that's all they wanted for me to do was to tell him. Tell him becuase what's the worst that could happen? He could reject me?? Yes. Becuase in my mind, I was ugly. I was undeserved of every having a boyfriend. And I was convinced I would never have one. I would look in the mirror and loath what I saw. I hated how I looked becuase all I could see were what they saw. I wore hoodies all the time even in hot weather so that I could cover my arms. I didnt want any of me showing. I wouldnt wear shorts becuase I hated how big my legs were. I held so much self loathing for myself, I wouldnt look in a mirror for longer than I had to.

That had gone on for years. I've hated myself for years becuase of judgment. Because I feared what people thought of me. It didnt just extend to what I thought the boys thought, but everyone thought. I hated attention being attracted to me, and my social anxiety got worse. Anything that brought attention to me would make my heart pound and my palms sweaty and my head buzzing with a hundred thoughts that made it so difficult to function.

It was only recently in the past couple years I've been able to accept myself. And I'm still very far off. And it might sound dumb or cliche, but the only reason that sparked this, was kpop. My friend introduced me to BTS, and I got invested in them. I loved them. I loved these 7 boys, who radiated such happiness and positivity. Their concept of loving yourself for who you are, and that the closest to you would do the same, those words meant alot to me. They helped me when I was anxious. Their music was, and still is, so soothing to me.

In my Senior year of high school I was taking my health elective, and we were learning about the BMI and to test what ours was. I refuse to share what my results were, but they werent healthy. As the teacher droned on about the topic, I sat in the back of the class quietly crying and trying to get myself to stop but I couldnt, and I felt a panic attack coming on, and I was scared that I would bring attention to myself, so I needed to distract myself from it, and I plugged my earbuds in and pulled up a BTS video. It was just a 2 minute video of Jimin laughing, and that was enough. I calmed down enough to collect myself, and I stopped crying.

Two years later I'm still not perfect. I still have a very toxic mentality of myself, and I can accept that I might need help, more than what KPOP groups can give me. They did give me the tiniest of nudges to help me, and I am very grateful.

I've told you what you shouldnt say to someone when they tell you that they have a crush on someone, so here's what you COULD say.

Your friend is worried, that their crush might reject them. You can offer your support.

"I'm here for you. I hope it works out, and I'm sure it will. And if not, I'll be here to help you"

"I understand you're scared, I see why you are. You dont have to tell them unless you're ready. I'm in your corner if you need me"

Motivate your friend in a good way. Dont pressure them into it, becuase it can make them anxious and stressed because they feel like they HAVE to tell their crush, and it makes it worse on them. Encourage your freind to get to know their crush. Tiny things, speaking to them. And if their scared about that, reassurance will help them. Offering advice and tips on what they could say and do will help them.

This is my last personal story to pair with this. I developed a crush on a guy. We met through a mutual freind, one who happens to be a very good friend of mine. I got his snapchat, and since then we've talked every day since. I didnt realise that I'd had feeling for him until a month into just chatting, and I started to wonder if he felt the same. The select few people i told all told me that it was possible, and they believed that all the signs he gave me were pointing towards yes, he did like me. I was still unsure, so very unsure.

My best friend is who helped me the most. I told him about a week after I found out my crush on this boy, and he was immediately supportive. He never once said to me "worst case scenario he rejects you". He told me o should talk to him more, get to know this boy and see what happened. My feelings became stronger every passing day. This boy made me so happy, and he was unlike any of my past crushes. I was so used to the guys I liked wanted nothing to do with me, or if they actually DID, it wasnt becuase of me, but because they wanted nudes. The few experiences I'd had with guys before this boy were awful. I had been talking to a guy but all he cared about was sex and nothing else and ignored me for a month, and then proceeded to ask for nudes becuase he was horny. It was very damaging for my mental state, and I was in a rough place. Id cried to my best freind, begging for him to tell me what was wrong with me. Why boys didnt reciprocate my feelings, and when they showed even the slightest of interest it was because they were horny. I felt like I would never find anyone ever.

I was scared, after developing feeling on this boy. I told my freind the same stories I've shared here. How I was terrified of being rejected. Becuase I'd gotten to know this boy and felt more for him than what freinds normally would. My best friend was so supportive, he stood by me when I would get anxious and when I would tell him my fears and doubts.

It took me 3 weeks to gett the courage to tell this boy that I liked him. The day I told him my nerves were shot, my palms were slick, but I did it. I confessed to this boy that I liked him. Funny enough, it was through a meme. It said that "I might have a big fat crush on you but I'm scared to say anything" my nerves were on fire my body was numb. It might sound like an exaggeration but this was how I was feeling. I was texting all three of my supportive freinds at once. My best freind was the first to know, he was with me through the entire time I talked to my crush. My crush had asked why I was scared to tell him, and I'd told him that I didn't want to make him uncomfortable becusse we'd grown close in the time we were talking. He reassured me that I couldnt make him uncomfortable. I'd asked how he felt about me. At this point my heart was in my throat. I watched the icon that showed he was typing and I was ready, I was ready for him to reject me, like all the boys had done before.

But he told me he felt the same. He didnt reject me. He was worried becuase we live so far apart from each other, and we werent sure how long distance would do for us, and how Covid19 would take into play. But I'd said I was up to try if he was, and he was too.

That was two months ago as of writing this. But if it wasnt for my best friend being so supportive of me, I dont think I could ever have told my boyfriend that I liked him. Even now, the concept is foreign to me. My trauma is still apparent becuase I cannot fathom how someone as amazing as him likes me back, after years of getting rejected and my mental health being damaged by the countless teasing. The first time he called me beautiful, I broke down and cried, because it felt too good to be true.

I'm sharing this, I'm sharing my experiences becuase i wanted to help people know how they could help a friend who might share similar experiences with me, get through the fear of rejection. Telling someone their worst case scenario doesnt help ease their worries. But offering your support, and reassuring them that it would be okay and that you will be there for them will.

Rejection is a part of life, and its something you cannot really control. But if the right words can help you get over your fear of it, then it does help ease the pain.

I'm not saying that all my past friends who told me rejection was my worst case scenario were trying to be malicious, they just wanted me to be happy and were excited for me. I understand that.

And if you ever were that friend who said that, it doesnt make you a bad friend. You were trying to help in your own way. But this may help for future interactions, or at least I hope it will.

You dont always know the experiences that your freinds go through, but being there and supporting them through their fears will help them, and give then confidence.

My best freind has supported me through so much, and it was him who helped me overcome one of my biggest fears.

I hope you found this extremely long PSA to be helpful and I hope I explained myself the best I could. If something is unclear to you please tell me I want to help everyone I can, because I beleive you all deserve to be happy.

And no of course you dont need a partner to be happy. You can be strong and independent in your own way and find your happiness there.

[ssj4]

Sorry to bother you, but I keep seeing posts about a future Goten AU and I keep getting really curious! However, when I try to find links to anything about it I end up at some abandoned URLs.

SECOND TIME TRYING TO ANSWER THIS CAUSE MY IDIOT ASS FORGOT I HAD ONE TYPED OUT AND CLOSED EVERYTHING :)

some disclaimers im getting most of this from an old draft i had written about the au, i havent watched the specific scenes in dbz and dbs that these are based on in well over 2+ years so i dont remember the timeline of events that well so im sorry if some of it just straight up doesnt make sense lol

this whole thing did start out as an excuse to replace the romantic scenes with mai in dbs with goten actually so the truten themes are pretty significant but that aside future goten is a very good boy with a much different personality and outlook on things… much like how future trunks is compared to his main timeline counterpart :3c the whole thing was developed by me and my gf together and we never rly posted too much about it and the broken links you did end up finding were probably from like the one or two times we did but here u go im glad u asked 

I HOPE THE READ MORE LINK WORKS ON MOBILE IF NOT IM SORRY

the big change is it starts out with chi chi getting pregnant before goku dies of heart disease or whatever in the android saga instead of the cell saga, so even after he dies in that timeline she still has their 2nd son and he grows up in the future timeline with trunks.

when they were kids (like 10-15) goten was stronger than trunks just bc gohan and chi chi were there to teach him just a little bit. trunks and goten sparred a lot though so he was able to keep up but never really passed him. (that part isnt really important but i figured it was a nice detail that made sense)

thats when history of trunks comes into play, and they both get really serious about gohan training them. the scene in the movie where gohan knocks trunks out before flying off and getting killed is the same except now he just knocks out 2 kids instead of 1 i guess. 

i feel i gotta add that this au was created when the future trunks arc in dbs was airing, and mai was introduced as his love interest, and honestly in my opinion the scenes were written really well but i just wasnt digging the fact that before she was granted a younger appearance she was already middle aged, like she was old enough to be his mom if that makes sense. so it really isnt a dig on mai at all cause i love her and id die for her its just the romantic plot that i didnt like. so when that was airing i thought “WELL what if that was someone else” 

she’s still with them though in this timeline and she still has her younger appearance! 

the future timeline is still progressing the same as it did in canon, the androids still wrecked the place and no one was strong enough to do much about it so trunks is still set up with a time machine to meet with the other timeline. goten stays back and does his best to protect everyone while hes gone just in case

some stuff happens in between here but skip ahead to trunks coming back from the trip after the cell games i guess! lots of stuff happened obviously like trunks literally dying, spending years in the time chamber with his dad, meeting a whole gaggle of clowns that he’d only heard stories about, seeing gohan as a preteen. hes got a lot of stuff to share!!! now hes back and he can take care of the androids + cell + and goten can catch up and lifes pretty good over there! 😇

during the rebuilding period goten would spend a lot of time with chi-chi and ox-king and still slept over there occasionally which she really appreciated, and he invited trunks and bulma over there with him frequently.

despite this he wasnt present when she died as no one really expected goku black to wipe out the landscape so far from the city, but she and ox-king died along with more than half of the population. (ugh god im so sorry queen i love you😓)

as i said before mai is still here and she’s still the leader of the resistance!

events of future bulmas death is the same as well as mai originally intending to go with trunks when they meet up together in an abandoned building. goten is already there as the three of them rest up a bit and start making their way to capsule corp. goten was planning on staying behind anyways but he wanted to see the two of them off. when goku black interrupts them as they arrive, trunks and goten encourage mai to escape, seeing as she only has a gun and everyone already knows bullets arent gonna work. 

this scene is the same as it was in canon, where trunks tries to rush black but gets beaten quickly. mai trying to buy him time to let him escape is replaced with goten actually fighting him and taking a hit for trunks but getting knocked out as mai did. trunks under extreme stress from already losing his mom today assumes hes dead instantly, (he has dumb bitch disease, he didnt even check for a pulse in canon!🤔) and fires a masenko to escape into capsule on his own 

after trunks pops back in time and black is focused on searching for him, mai sneaks back in to retrieve goten (even though they told her to leave she really just ducked behind some rubble and stayed close, because she wasnt just gonna leave them!)

she takes him back to an underground bunker with other members of earths resistance and when he wakes up she tells him that trunks made it to the time machine and that hes presumably in the other timeline now. 

idk if yall remember it well but i rewatched some of the episodes just for this, and trunks in the main timeline believing goten was killed and mai is alone and he wont be able to get back is so sad. and when he spent that day with gohan and his family and cried thinking about how if black hadn’t have shown up, he couldve had a family too… he doesnt deserve to be this sad 😥

skip to when he’s finally able to get back home with goku and vegeta with him and they make their way to the bunker where he sees mai and goten together! the scene in canon where he rushes over and starts spilling his heart out is the same, with him telling goten he thought he died

they get a really sweet hug moment here when theyre both happy to see the other is still safe and it gives both goku and vegeta some Food For Thought, because goku actually didnt know there was a goten in this timeline, and he doesnt really recognize him at first. vegeta has the idea in his head that this is probably goten.

goten never really had any sort of real attachment to his dad. it makes sense hes never met him, hes only ever really heard about him through others, (his mom, his brother, trunks, and probably bulma has mentioned him as well) so he definitely knows OF him its just that, he doesnt know him. so when he sees the real goku standing there for once a lot of thoughts run though his mind, like, “that looks A LOT like goku black!” “thats definitely my old hairstyle” and “holy shit is that my dad?” but the first thing he actually says out loud is “Holy shit its goku orange” and vegeta really almost loses it because cause any doubt in his mind about this kid being related to kakarot just went right out the window cause only someone related to him would say that

and as you probably know a lot happens after that with them all finding a way to defeat zamasu but i dont want to include all of the rest when you can probably just interpret which scenes were changed  

ANYWAYS now instead of trunks surviving the apocalypse its trunks and goten surviving the apocalypse. thats why its not a really super romantic deal like Who has time for dates when goku black Might possibly be hiding in this abandoned olive garden?? so theyre just very close and privately affectionate

the ending where trunks and mai get to live in a new world with their counterparts is the same except gotens there with them of course, dbs left their ending pretty open 

so that takes care of the story changes, heres some additional details and information on gotens character in this au! 

heres his design, drawn by my girlfriend @ssj2 uwu !! 

he kept his natural hairstyle for a while, but i think he changed it sometime during the rebuilding period after the androids and just let it grow out a bunch. up until then he kept his natural style purely to honor the guy he’s heard so fondly of even if it brought him a lot of mixed feelings when people said he looks just like him. a really distinct feature about his new hairstyle is that the spikes look like horns and i love that a lot !!

and the shawl he wears was the same one chi chi wore 

some personality traits for future goten is that he has a habit of bottling up his negative emotions and has trouble taking care of himself, as hes always more focused on the well being of his loved ones. he can be mischievous and cocky but hes not overconfident (or he hasnt been since gohans death) however in some situations he can be charismatic and assertive which works really well imowhen their timeline is erased and theyre temporarily in the main timeline, goten gets to meet a bunch of people like gohan and his family, chi chi, and even his counterpart 

sorry if this post was messy i wasnt really sure how i wanted to make it look and im kinda bad at dumping information out so if any of its confusing just redirect me to it and ill try again gdjfksjdgsfk 😭❤

hmmm anyways thank u for reading!! its an au we made years ago and we love a lot and i hope u do too! be nice pls!! and send asks about it if you’d like cause its fun to think about! 

[0nlywateristheriver]

My Second Wife

Link to story with original pictures: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O9-fjebl_2IBrzJxBdK0zVDJ04gQLD7zc6BzmBJLzDw/edit?usp=sharing 

@doctor-of-fair-play

My Second Wife

@onlywateristheriver

After over a thousand years married to the woman, the Doctor had gotten the knack of pinpointing about where River was along her timeline, without the aid of their diaries. They had to have been married by now - she looked older than she had that day. As of yet, however, River didn’t seem to know her which, despite being a bit offensive, also offered the opportunity for a bit of fun…

“D’you know?“ the Doctor couldn’t help but have the corner of her mouth twitch into a smile just barely contained. River had pulled this on her once, though now she realized that River might have been talking about her. Timelines. “You remind me of m’second wife. Well, second proper wife… there were a few others just for the fun and the party. The resemblance, s’uncanny. Course, her hair’s a bit curlier, and she has this nasty habit of carrying ‘round weapons. Once shot m’hat! Very rude. Never carry ‘round weapons, makes you look weak,“ she paced around River, tapping a finger against her holster, “Naughty, naughty. And… this is the silly bit. She’s an archaeologist. Can you imagine it? Time travelin’ archaeologist. That’s cheatin’! Don’t you think that’s cheatin’?”

onlywateristheriver

River’s eyes narrowed as the woman in front of her went on about weapons and hats and archaeology. “I’ll have you know, archaeology is the best way to find some of the most precious things that would have otherwise been lost to time. I was lost when I went to university and becoming an archaeologist helped me to find the best thing in my life. Led me to it again and again. And saved my life and the life of those I love more than once, so don’t you go on about weakness and silliness and cheating.” River tutted.

doctor-of-fair-play

The best thing in my life. Did she mean…? The Doctor stood a little straighter, a curl of guilt moving inside her. She’d never really stopped to think, stopped to consider… Anthropology she could understand, she was a bit of an anthropologist herself, but archaeology? Climbing about in the dust, going through old scraps of papers and wisps of lives long since ended when all of it was there, within reach, when one was to just step past the barrier of time. Alive and real.

“M’sorry. I was just havin’ a bit of fun.” The Doctor pulled up a chair, leaning in a bit closer to her wife, “S’really important to you, isn’t it? S’not just a way of… Why though? When you can step out in the world, amongst the living, why limit yourself to fragments? S’a vortex manipulator, isn’t it?” the question didn’t sound very convincing, she barely even glanced down at it. “You could go back, see it all for yourself. Nothin’s really lost.”

onlywateristheriver

“I didn’t have this from the beginning. I was left on my own with nothing. I had to find my own way with nothing but my own will and determination. All I knew was that there was someone I needed to find. Someone who could be anywhere, anywhen. I was as weak as a kitten and as knowledgable as a newborn. But I grew up fast and I used what I had around me. Archaeology was the best way to find what I needed. It’s served me well.”

River leaned back in her chair and looked the woman up and down. “Why am I telling you any of this anyway?”

doctor-of-fair-play

“Just have one of those faces, people can’t help but talk when I’m around. Sometimes. Honestly, I’ve not the knack for it I used to.” It was probably the height. Or the breasts. The Doctor leaned forward, elbows on the table, and twirled her straw around the emptying glass.“And, I mean, m'also your husband and I’ve been dropping hints all night. So there’s that. Really, River, you’re usually quicker on the uptake. How many people d'you think have a time travelin’ archaeologist for a wife?”

onlywateristheriver

River stared for a good minute or two at the woman in front of her. It was the eyes that finally convinced her. “I never thought I’d see you again.” Slowly she smiled. “And I certainly never came across this in my research. How long has it been for you?”

doctor-of-fair-play

The Doctor waited for some reaction from River, trying to read the expressions that passed over her face. Eventually, River smiled and a smile brightened the Doctor’s face too. “Y’know me, m’like a bad penny.” Her smile wavered, the unwelcome memory of their last goodbye pressing into her mind. “Been a while on my end, haven’t seen you since a bit before I last regenerated - don’t think you’re there quite yet. M’two thousand and something if that’s any help?”

onlywateristheriver

“Two thousand? It has been a while then. For me as well. I haven’t seen you in probably a hundred years, maybe a hundred and fifty?” She tried to hide the sadness that always surfaced when she realized how long the Doctor had left her alone. She knew they couldn’t spend all of their time together, that was dangerous. But she still missed him, ‘her’ she corrected, terribly when they were apart.

“I’m glad you found a way to go on. I know you were worried that you were at the end.”

doctor-of-fair-play

“S’not what I was worried about. But you know me, never liked endings.“ She let out a slow breath, hands stuffed in her pockets, and looked inside the cafe. The light of the grimy fixtures shone a warm gold, and the clink of dishes and silverware, the murmur of voices could be distantly heard. It would be better to laugh, better to pretend they weren’t both moving towards a goodbye, than to stand out here in the rain speaking of things that couldn’t be changed. “Come have dinner with us. I think you’ll like them, m’friends. And there’s a lot of catchin’ up we have to do, you and me. All the bits we missed.“

onlywateristheriver

River took a deep breath and put on a smile she didn’t really feel. “Okay. Lead the way.”

doctor-of-fair-play

Slipping a hand into hers, the Doctor led her back into the cafe. The chill of the rainy evening faded as the door closed behind them, though the Doctor’s hair was dripping and her shirt was tight to her skin, sticking and cold. She gladly slipped back into the booth, as it was near to the faux fireplace in the corner which gave off a very real glow of warmth from glowing plastic logs. Humans, they couldn’t just stick a space heater in the corner. Very few races were so focused on the ‘atmosphere’ of a place.

“We got you both another round of hot chocolates,“ Graham said, holding one out to each of them. The Doctor took hers gratefully, wrapping icy fingers around the warmth of the mug. “I’m amazed you’re not half froze, standing out there.“

“So is one of you going to explain?“ Ryan asked. “I didn’t take you for the married sort, Doctor.”

Yaz gave him a nudge under the table with her foot - the Doctor knew this because she missed Ryan and caught the Doctor’s shin instead. “What he means is, we thought you’d have been around, River? We were just saying, we’re a bit surprised we haven’t met you before, that’s all.”

onlywateristheriver

So, they were going to hold hands then. They’d never actually done the couple-thing before. Not with anyone they actually knew personally outside of her parents and not even then, as her dad had always been a bit overprotective for the brief moments they’d had as dad and daughter. River found that she liked it very much. She didn’t release her wife’s hand even when the older man held out the hot chocolate for her. “Thank you.”

She turned to the girl. “Well, the Doctor and I have had such an interesting history, always meeting out of order. Has she told you about any of it?”

doctor-of-fair-play

No. The answer was ‘no’. She’d not said a word. So many names she never let past her lips, because it hurt too much, because she didn’t want to scare her new friends by letting on how many had been lost while she’d carried on. The Doctor, such a survivor. Always living while those she loved… Perhaps the tension showed - a tightness in her neck, an expression on her face - because Yaz seemed to understand and saved her. “I think we scared the Doctor off talking about personal things when she let on she was two thousand and we threatened her with two thousand birthday parties.”

A small look of confusion touched against Ryan’s face, for she’d once mentioned her age in passing but there had been no talk of parties, but he caught on after a moment, “Right yeah.“

“Love a good party, me,“ the Doctor said, feeling able to take a breath, “but so many candles. Don’t really want to be blamed for another fire - Rome was bad enough.” She took a sip of her hot chocolate. “Why don’t you tell them ‘bout the Byzantium, dear? That was a good one. This one decided the best was t’drop by the TARDIS would be to fling herself out another ship’s hatch.”

0nlywateristheriver

“Two thousand birthday parties? I don’t even think she’s ever had even one.” River nudged the Doctor with her shoulder. “Dad and I tried to throw him a surprise birthday party once. Mum was supposed to keep him occupied for a couple of hours. They didn’t come back for two days! He never could quite explain why, but I think Mum had let it slip somehow what we’d been planning.” River’s eyes got misty for a moment.

She gathered herself back together. “The Byzantium. Right. You were so young then.” She smiled at the Doctor then winked at Yaz. “He looked about twelve years old, and so easy to get all flustered. Particularly when I landed right on top of him when he pulled me into the TARDIS.”

[cutaepatootie]

41, 50,52,53,46, 17, 13, 35 (any story for you), 36(animal 7 hehe) omg i’m so sorry for too many questions i hope i’m not too late 😅

Hahaha, don’t be sorry! I’m glad you asked bc I love this type of things hehe. You’re not too late dw. There are some answers I’ve already answered, but I’ll copy and paste them. Lots of love sweet! 🖤

41. How many stories do you work on at one time?

Rn I’m working on 4 hehe. But I like to post one at a time bc I lose interest really soon and I know that if I’m posting one and I start posting another story, I’ll get more invested in the second one. Tho, rn I’m working on one that I’m planning on posting soon even if I haven’t finished posting Animal.

50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had.

You can read it here.

52. How did writing change you?

I don’t know if it changed me bc I’ve always written and imagined stories, even when I was a kid. But posting them has changed me for sure, I can share my stories - my thoughts - and see how people think about them, I can see people enjoying what I write and that makes me feel... Full? hahaha I don’t know how to describe it with words, it just feels right, like it’s what I should be doing.

53. What does writing mean to you?

The whole world! I think I’d suffocate if I didn’t write. It’s like my mind is always working on new stories, always imagining and creating, and I feel that, if I didn’t write them I’d explode or something hahaha. I’ll put a really visual example. When you want to pee so bad that you feel as if your bladder is going to explode and you’re going to die? Well, the pee is my stories and the bladder my brain xd.

46. What would your story _______ look like as a tv show or movie? 

Hmm I’d love to see how the new Fantasy Tales I’m writing would look like if it was a tv show. I’d love to think it would look like Game of Thrones, but I think that’s wishful thinking hehe. About a fallen bookmark on a Thursday afternoon, I think it’d look like a Makoto Shinkai movie, so sad yet beautiful, with the cherry blossoms, the train and all.

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story?

Hmm... Whoa, such an interesting question. Guess I never thought about it. Usually I come up with the plot first, and then I guess I adapt my characters to it. But again, I usually get inspired by people, their personalities and all and then I create the story. It depends on the story? There are stories inspired by characters and their personalities and there are characters inspired by stories that my mind created (sorry, that was such a bad answer hahaha)

17. On avarage, how much writing do you get done in a day?

It depends on the day. If I’m really busy, I don’t write. Yeah, I love writing, but it’s not my priority :( If I’m not busy I usually spend 2 - 4 hours aprox. if not more.

13. How do you deal with writers block?

I HATE WRITERS BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU WRITERS BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, it’s so frustrating... UGH! I don’t deal with it as you can see by this answer hahaha, I just let the frustration take my body. I guess I just stop writing and go on with my life, and as I said, I need to write, so eventually I start to feel the need to write and I write again. 

35. Tell some backstory details about one of your characters in your story ________.

Hmmm... I’ll tell you the backstory details about Jungkook in Animal Don’t know if this is the answer you wanted hahah but I’m telling you the backstory of how Jungkook’s character in Animal was born. Okay, so I think I’ve already said this, but Jungkook’s character was insipired by a patient I met during my practices at the hospital this year. I was his nurse, and he was this really tall man (195 cm I think) broad shoulders and all that. He was old but he had eyes that looked like crystals of how clear they were, white hair and strong features, he sure had been really pretty a long time ago. A bit grumpy, rude sometimes and jumpy and scary. He hated most of the people at that floor, but somehow he grew fond of me and we became friends. I would talk to him and accompany him because he was always alone, like, no one ever came to see him or called about him. Me and my nurse grew curious of him and searched his name in Google. Turns out he had been a famous underground boxer in Russia and had had troubles with the law and he had scaped from them. I was talking one day with him when he told me that, when he was young he had loved a girl that reminded him of me. I think he grew fond of me bc I wasn’t scared of him and I always took time to speak to him or visit him. He never told me about that girl anymore, but that’s how Animal was created (he wasn’t dying either, he was sent to a refuge bc he didn’t have a home) 

36. A spoiler for story _________.

Akhsjfkhgads 😈😈 do I have to answer this? You know how much I love creating hype and not telling anything about my new chapters... But I’ll do it for you! (maybe it’s a shitty spoiler but it’s the only one I can say for now) I’ll tell you okay!!Jungkook’sbeenshotanddramaisgoingtohappen. AJKLSHDLGASJDGHAJH

[sellidionne]

tw

so I realized I didnt put trigger warnings on my other posts talking about rape and I’m sorry. 

but I left out the fact that it was a tinder date. I actually left out a lot, I didnt tell the whole story and I havent told this to anyone in person either but I want to get it out somewhere. now, the guy from tinder wasn’t the one who raped me. it was another guy who was there, 

this is going to be a long post

the tinder guy and I talked for a litle bit here and there before I went. he seemed nice and would send me snaps every day. so at the time, it all felt like I had just misunderstood the situation but now that I think about it, it seems a little weird. 

so this guy was originally supposed to come pick me up from my house and we were going to go get food and maybe see a movie. but then he suggested me going there because we could eat something and then go swimming later since there was a pool in the backyard. I was up for it so I said okay and drove out there. 

when I was leaving he had told me it was only 25 minutes. my gps said 48. I went anyway. then I got there I learned that its not even his house, its his friends and they were having a small pool party. I didnt expect there to be other people but I figured that he probably wanted to see how I got along with his friends and everything and there was a girl there so I just sat with her while he ran out to the store for snacks and stuff. she was really nice and the guys kind of stuck to themselves playing in the pool, I felt fine about the whole thing. 

now,, tinder guy said hello when I got there and introduced me to his friends but then he kinda didnt pay any attention to me for the rest of the time that we were outside. and it didnt bother me then, he was playing in the pool, I wasn’t, so it kinda just made sense. but then we all went inside and were going to smoke on the screened in porch, the girl went in to pee and then the guys went in to get alcohol and to roll so i was left out on the porch for a while because they all ended up standing in the kitchen talking while two of the guys rolled and the other made drinks. I just stayed on the porch since i was smoking a cigarette but tinder guy eventually came out and sat and talked with me for a little bit. everyone else came about 10 minutes later so we all started smoking and drinking. 

now, I dont smoke often but I can smoke a whole blunt by myself and be fine. we shared between 8 people (a couple of other people came after a while). and I can drink an entire bottle of fireball and just be tipsy. now idk what was up with me that night but I had one shot and two moonshine soaked cherries and then only hit the blunt 4 times and at first I was fine but then i started to feel nauseous and then I felt hot in the face but cold on the back of my head and I felt incredibly dizzy. so i got off of the stool i was sitting on and went and got on the couch that was on the porch. i sat there and just waited it out. 

by the time the nausea went away, most of the people went inside to play video games (including tinder guy) and I was left outside with two of the guys. guess who being one of them. the three of us talked for about 20 minutes or so and then the guy that owned the house started telling everyone he was going to bed so people started leaving. it ended up being just me, tinder guy, and ‘you know who’ left (I dont know what to call him.). tinder guy was still inside but the other guy asked me if I could give him a ride home, said that the guy that brought him home left and that he was on the way to where I was headed. I said sure. tinder guy came back out and offered to give him a ride home shortly after but he told him that I already would. now, this conversation at first made me feel like he wasnt wanting me to give him a ride, and idk maybe he didnt and im just reading into it too much, but heres what happened. 

tinder guy asked if I was sure, I said I didnt mind since it was on the way and I had already told him yes. he told me that he could take him and I still said it was fine. now i took that as him either being nice or possibly being jealous that i was gonna drive another guy home even though i came to see him. but I was honestly a little annoyed that he ignored me for all but 10 minutes the entire night and that it was 1 am and i still had to drive another 48 minutes and be at work in the morning but I was also just trying to be nice and save him having to go the opposite way from his house to take this guy home. so I said I would. 

we all started saying goodbye to each other, the guy who lived there went inside so the three of us went out to the yard, and I started walking to the car. but it wasnt until I got to the car that I realized the guy wasnt following me so i just sat on the hood of the car and waited. it was about 15 minutes before he came to the car and I guess wiinder guy went back in because he didnt come through the gate. I didnt think anything of it, I thought they were just talking about something you know? like theyre friends right? we’ll touch on this later. 

so ‘you know who’ got in the car and I turned my lights on and realized someone had parked behind me. I dont know why I didnt realise that until after I got in the car, i still had some of that weird lightheaded feeling and my brain was a little foggy but I figured I had driven while high before so id be fine. I couldnt figure out how to get around the car without driving all over the guys lawn though and he was trying to direct me on what to do but I didnt want to hit another car (some people stayed the night there so there were about four cars around mine) so he offered to do it and I let him get in the drivers seat. 

so once we got out of the driveway, I expected him to stop and get out but he kept going and asked if it was okay if he drove to his house so he wouldnt have to give me directions. it made sense to me at the time because he knew where he was going, I didnt. and even though i wasnt liek ‘i cant walk or speak’ high or drunk but i did have slightly delayed reactions. and i remember him asking how I knew tinder guy so I told him from tinder and he asked if it was supposed to be a date and I think i said that I wasnt sure. but I know that i wasnt hearing some things he was saying because at one point he had apparently been asking me if he could ask me a question but I didnt answer so he typed it on his phone and held it in front of my face instead. I hadnt smoked in a while so I think thats why I did got so high before and was still high at this point but I mean i dont really smoke much anyway and that feeling has only happened one other time when I smoked a blunt and a half by myself and held my breath on the last inhale. but this was only four hits so its odd when I think about it. 

but the question he asked me basically boiled down to asking me if i wanted to fuck. it just took him 5 minutes of elaborate explaining to do that. I said that wasnt what I came here for and that I needed to go home because i had work. 

at this point, we had pulled into a neighborhood but I’m pretty sure he just drove the car around in circles all over the neighborhood either a) to confuse me about where his house was because they all look the same or b) to stall. probably both. because I have no idea which house was his or how we even got there, i just remember it was on the right side. and he also spend 15 minutes driving around this neighborhood trying to talk me into hooking up. he kept saying that it was an opportunity, that it was something I’d be able to tell my kids when I got older, that i would never have to hear from him again. I kept telling him that i wasnt going to, that i shouldnt, that i couldnt, but since i didnt say no he parked the car and asked if i wanted to. i hesitated, was going to say no but then he started talking again and gave his whole ‘this is an opportunity; speech again. and it honeslty was like he was asking so many questions and talking so much and I was trying to process it all at once but it all just like mixed together so I just interrupted him

I finally turned completely in my seat and looked at him, apologized, told him that I thought he was nice and i thought he was good looking but that I needed to go home and that i wasnt going to do that tonight because I could tell that I wasnt able to focus good, because I couldnt, my head was hurting and it felt like I was only processing things after they happened, and he said “okay but can I at least get a kiss? just one?”. I hesitated and tried to laugh it off and again, said that I couldnt but he started leaning to me and I honestly wasnt that opposed to just kissing him, like i said I didnt think he was bad looking or anything (although dont remember anything about his facial features anymore) so I didnt move and let him kiss me. it was a bit of a long kiss and he had his hand in my hair but when I felt him put his other hand on my thigh I pulled away and said that I had to go home again but he pulled me back and kissed me again and he started putting his hand in my shirt and it didnt even register until his hand was almost completely in my bra but I pushed it down and pulled away and I did say no to that, i remember that, so then he just sat there and tried to talk me into letting him touch me. I admit, I wasnt opposed to just like making out and messing around, I kind of liked the attention at first (key words),  I just didnt want to have sex. so when he kissed me again i didnt really do anything but kiss back. 

but then it just got harder and he shoved his tongue down my throat and I tried to kiss back a little bit but then it honestly felt like he was going to crush my head inbetween his hand and his face like it wasnt even like he was kissing at that point,  it was like he was just using his mouth to shut me up he was just pushing so hard so I started trying to pull away and to talk and everything but it wasnt working because I he was holding the back of my head and then he put his hand in my pants and started touching me and put mine in his and it was at that point that I thought maybe I should just compromise so i pulled away as much as i could and told him that I would give him head but I wouldnt have sex with him. I didnt really want to do that but I was more willing to do that than have sex with him. he said he wanted to go somewhere more private. I knew that was a bad idea but I also didnt say anything because I also didnt want to be walked up on while I was giving head you know?  so he drove down the road a little bit and to a spot with no houses, there was a pond on the right side a little away from the road and I could see houses down the road on the left but there weren’t any directly around us. I started giving him head, I was leaned over the middle console and he kept trying to pull my leggings down but every time he did, I sat up so he finally like smacked his lips and said ‘fine, I’ll just take the head then’ and thats when he started holding me down and he held me down so long once that I felt like i was going to choke or throw up or something. he put his hand in my pants again and put his fingers inside of me but i pulled his hand away and when he let go I immediately sat up again.

 I thought about just getting out of the car and i dont know why i didnt, why it took me so long to do it but when I started to reach for the door he reached over me and pulled the lever so the back of my seat went down and he started to get on top of me and i just panicked a little bit but I just started talkign, i kept saying that I couldnt and that I wasnt going to and that i wasnt on birth control ( I was but only had been for a week and a half) and he said ‘fuck that’ I’ll pull out’ but I said that pulling out was shit because I could still get pregnant and went to sit up and push him away but that was when he hit me in the face and got me in the nose and it burned and i guess it kind of just stunned me? i dont know but like my head was pounding after that even though it didnt break or i wasnt bleeding, it just hurt a lot and he pulled my shirt up and unhooked my bra so he could pull it up. he was sitting on my thighs and had one of my arms held against the seat and I had used the other to check if I was bleeding but it didnt feel like I was so i was going to try to push myself up or push him off or something when he got up a little bit to take my pants off but then he elbowed me in the face and that one got me in the mouth and my top and bottom teeth pierced into my lips a little bit on the right side  and then he did it again and that split my bottom lip 

so after that, idk I just went with it and let him do it. i even helped him get my shoe off when he couldnt get my leggings off around it.. and while he was doing.. that. he kept yelling at me to move up in the seat and when I didnt move enough (I was scared but I didnt want to move to make it easier so I only moved like an inch), he pushed me up and then put himself inside of me and he held my head up and told me to look. he held my head like that almost the whole time but I closed my eyes or tried to just look to my side out the window instead. 

then when he was done, he got out on my side and pulled his pants up, and got back in the car. but I didnt close the door when he got out so I just sat there with it open and stared at the road for a minute before he asked if I was ready so I finally stood up to at least put my pants back on but left my bra unhooked and half off because I didnt want to take my shirt off to fix it.  and then he drove back to his house when i got back in. once we got back there, he was looking for his wallet and reaching between the seats and everything and I honestly hoped he wouldnt find it and assume he left it at the guys house so I could just get his name but he finally did. so we got out and he started to go around the front of the car towards his house so i went around the back to get in the front seat but he came back around and made me hug him and when I hugged him he said ‘dont you fucking tell anybody” and then as he started walking back he said it was ‘our little secret’ and made the ‘shh’ sign at me. 

so after that i just drove down the road a little bit and fixed my bra and shirt and put my gps on and literally raced out of that neighborhood and once i got on the main road i just started bawling. 

now the point of saying all of this was not just to get what happened out there so somebody knows (I havent even told my parents or best friend all of this. i just said that i was raped and that he hit me once. i didnt say that i have speculations that i may have been slipped something in my drink. i didnt say that i was going to compromise. i didnt say that i was high. i didnt say that he busted my lip (by the time i told anyone, it had started healing over enough that i could pass it off as just me picking at chapped lips). and i dont know why but I feel like the more details the more it would hurt or something?? 

but I think tinder guy may know about it. or maybe thats why he invited me. I dont know. because the day before he was talking about us going somewhere and then he asked if I had any female friends because he had a friend that was single and needed a girl but my friends are all in relationships. so the fact that he left me outside with this guy a few times makes me wonder if he was actually said friend. 

and the next day I asked him if he knew that guys name. but he said he had just met him that day, that he only knew a nickname. but for the next three days he was on his snapchat. im pretty sure that was him. i dont know why i cant remember his face, i mean it was dark the whole time we were outside but maybe because i didnt think much of him so i didnt pay attention much when we were actually in the light on the porch? I just saw a guy with a hat and a short goatee and a septum piercing that night and then there was a guy with a hat and a short goatee and septum piercing on his snapchat for three days in a row afterwards and he hasnt sent me anything since. I finally took him off of there today, even though he may not have had anything to do with it, hes friends with the guy so I want nothing to do with him. 

[overbakedone]

1

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i  met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol 

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know. 

thanks for listening   i guess 

[crumpledjournal]

5.2.17

so apparently my school does this program where kids can head out into the woods for a weekend every once in a while and just… talk it out i guess. that was this past weekend, Ma (not my mom, a friend) told me to go. my old history teacher had been plugging for the trip for years, but id never actually gone. never thought id be able to explain wanting to go have a feelings jam with a buncha other kids in the woods to my dad. i didnt really until i came back and recapped a little (honoring the agreement i signed before going to not share anyones story from the trip).

on the one hand, i feel so fucking healthy!!! i feel like i have subsisted for the past year off of nothing but avocado smoothies and kale juice and like i have been doing yoga for 85 hours a day and like i finally met a person or two who i can actually speak my mind to and get more than just a “sure dude.” like, good lord does this feel good

i mean, thats what i told Ge and Di and i genuinely believe it. (both Di and i knew basically nobody other than eachother and we were alone in a sea of strangers for the first few hours.)

dont get me wrong, i feel lots better. i got a lot off of my chest. but there was also a lot left unsaid on my part. out of all the people there (about 90) there were two others who shared that they were genderqueer (and there were only like two other people who brought up the topic at all). one of them i had some p bad experiences with in middle school. the other was a student leader and facilitator of the trip, so Re (the leader) didnt really have a lot of time to talk, and in the discussions Re was mostly asking questions and… well, facilitating. plus, gender came up like once. and Re was not there.

but i was! it was nice to talk a little. i was in a meeting with the school principal about installing gender neutral bathrooms at the school a week or two ago and i talked about that with them, and i told them that being genderqueer goes waywaywayway back and lots of other stuff, i guess. but i didnt say anything about my experiences with being genderqueer, really.

and damn did i want to! idk if yall have picked up on this yet (all none of you) but talking to people about my shit is just so healing for me. thats why i have a public journal! like, talking to equals and feeling heard. i could tell my mom or the school therapist (and i do, often) about my shit and its cool, theyre supportive and shit, but since i started this class ive had no time to keep up old friendships that were based around hanging out. like, were still friends i guess, but… playing minigolf over text is just not the same, man.

there was this thing last night where from like, right after dinner until about 3 in the morning, we talked. people had seven minutes that they could use however they wanted in front of the whole group, and it was just their job to listen. and let me tell you, id been crafting my seven minutes for like, three hours before my name came up. the thing is, i planned like twenty minutes of monologue. i talked about a bunch of the family stuff ive got and that was real cathartic. i also got to talk about my struggles with depression, which was a real common topic. but… ive been thinking about the possibility of myself being a trans girl really, really hard over the past couple of months, and i still havent shared that other than with the people whove read this journal.

which is nobody, other than a couple people browsing tags when i talked about moana a little while ago. i havent told that many people i write this, but. i kinda trusted those who i did to read it i guess.

i dunno. i think im most afraid that im not going to have any healthy girl friendships. i see all these women and girls and they have such supportive relationships with eachother. i see it every day. holy shit, if you havent seen the rage and passion with which girls defend their true friends… Hoo Boy.

and im so worried i wont have that! like. i love being agender, and it’s wonderful to have the ability and the knowledge and the acceptance to be an out nonbinary person and not really have so many problems stemming from that in my life. but i have this fear that that ill be in this purgatory of a questioning period for just long enough that when i finally make up my goddamn mind and trust my conviction enough to come out as a trans girl ill have lost the opportunity to have these wonderful, girl-to-girl relationships. as an agender person i feel like so much of an intruder in these female spaces.

Like, Ha (who I met on the trip) was so wonderful and badass, especially considering the amount of shit shes had to go through. jimminy christmas, shes fucking strong. i try not to gender people here but when the topic is gender itself that kind of context feels crucial… but anyways. she came and sat with me when i was eating lunch alone in the corner and brought a couple other girls and. i mean, some of the body language of the others kind of told me they werent super interested in me being there but… it felt… so good. just to be in a female space, just to be included there for the most part, without cis guys around that i would get lumped with.

but then i think i had a panic attack like, near to immediately after that, because i felt like i was making them incredibly uncomfortable by being an intruder in their female space. and when my female friends were having a hard time during the trip (as often happened) i felt like it wasnt my place to comfort them and that as a natal male i would just make them more uncomfortable and they would doubt their friendship with me because so many guys just take advantage of women when they’re at their lowest emotional state and that’s the last thing i want to be seen as and i tried to hug a few women who were having a really hard time over the course of the trip but i just got this churning in my stomach because i might make it worse if i make them think i just want to hug them so i can feel them aginst my stupid fucking body and if i keep writing this sentence then im going to have another panic attack

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to because despite the number of people who said i could come to them this weekend, nobody else talked about gender shit, and those genderqueer people who i do know have just told me to look into my heart and shit, which doesnt help because thats what ive been trying to do. i feel like i cant talk to women because to them ill just be another guy who’s venting because he feels like he can dump all his emotional shit on the closest woman (especially women i just met on the trip, i couldnt ask them to spend however long it takes out of their day to read this when i just met them). i feel like i cant talk to men because if theyre not transphobic to begin with, they either refuse to talk about emotional shit, or can neither relate to feeling like they wont have any healthy girl-to-girl friendships nor realte to being genderqueer. i know im going to send this little essay to somebody soon because i just need to hear at least one other persons thoughts but i dont know who its going to be

and on top of all of that i keep getting these stomach aches at mealtimes and no other time of day and i dont know if it was the confessions from people with eating disorders or something else but my stomach aches and then i dont eat and then it aches because im hungry until the next meal when it aches again and i cant eat and when youre choosing between not eating or eating and feeling like you want to throw up, do you have an eating disorder already? i dont know anything thats going on with my body and im depressed and i feel so ashamed because there were so many people who had stories that felt so much more real than just a pronoun and a stomach ache and they spent their seven minutes with what seemed like no regrets about not having shared things and here i am writing a fucking dissertation pity paper about myself because i feel like it wasnt enough time to talk about my dumb fucking problems even though what i have aint shit and if i fall into the spiral of ands i legitimately will have a worse panic attack and i dont know who i can comfortably ask to do the fucking weightlifting championship level shit that is required to do the emotional heavy lifting and read bullshit im putting on the page without feeling like im inconveniencing them to the nth degree

so i guess thats where im at

[stitchedcurses]

im just gonna vent vibe under cut 

ok so like i forgot i had a tumblr and im so thankful rn bc i just wanna vibe (i.e. vent) without upsetting anyone ahhaaaaaa

im like sorta sad bc two people that i really care about hate each other??

or, to be more accurate: one of the people (person a) hates the other and the person who is being hated (person b) has literally no idea that’s even happening?

and im not going to impose my views or opinions on people, and i can understand that person a might not like person b because of a misunderstanding that happened, but, i was there when it happened and i listened to the perspectives of everyone who was involved, so i feel like i have a good understanding of what happened and i feel like i can safely say that it was all a misunderstanding and it happened because of a lack of communication! 

but, because of person a’s personality and experiences they had in the past (that were similar to what happened) therye really upset at person b and were very heated about the situation as a whole. (they listened to one side of the story and were immediately upset and didnt listen to person b’s side. i dont think person b is evil, or all to blame, but i can agree that they handled some things poorly. both people did, but person a only listened to one side of the story and didnt get the full picture)

i thought that maybe once time passed theyd maybe be more calm and look at the situation more rationally once the heat of the moment had passed, but theyre still very angry and mad at person b. (this entire situation happened like 6 months ago, so its been a good while)

this, in and of itself isnt good, but its something im okay with respecting because i can understand that emotions are powerful and i cannot change person a’s opinion, nor should i impose my views on them

what’s making me really upset though, is that person b is trying to make an effort to be nice to person a, and person a is making really really mean vague posts about them? posts accusing them of being selfish and deceitful and fake, when none of these things are true at all and thats whats really upsetting me because i think its just such a mean thing to do? 

and i dont want to say anything to person a because they have a right to post what theyd like on their social media, since it’s theirs and i have no business telling them what they can and cannot post but it makes me so sad to see? because before i knew who they were talking about i was like “wow this must be such a horrible person and im so sorry you have to deal with them” but now that i know who theyre talking about, i can safely say that those things arent true!!! 

theyre not true at all, and person b and person a share a lot of mutual friends! and i can see that those mutual friends have interacted with the post, and im pretty sure they dont know who person a is talking about and so it makes me really sad to see? because i think if they know who person a was talking about they wouldnt agree, but its also not my position to tell them nor do i think that telling anyone who person a is vaguing about would help! i think it would make everything much much worse...

to person a’s credit, they have given 0 hints as to who theyre talking about and so i can respect that i guess? theyre venting but keeping the drama to themselves and i respect that...

person a talked to me today about everything, and said that theyd try to change their attitude only for the other friends that they care about, and they told me that they likely wont ever change their view on person b.

i told person a id respect their choice, and in their defense all the vague posts were made before they talked to me and vented their frustrations, so im sure that the vague posts were just a way to vent! but reading over them, therye so mean and hateful that it really hurts to see that?

maybe i shouldnt take it so personally, but i have had to deal with people being vague and back and forth and secretly hating one another all my childhood within my family and it makes me so tense and nervous and anxious and rationally, though i know i shouldnt feel this way, im so anxious and i keep having such scary thoughts thinking that all of my friends actually hate me and that i annoy them and bother them, and i know i shouldnt think this way but this entire situation is giving me flashbacks to all of my family problems and i made this group of friends to get away from those problems so now i kinda feel like i dont have any safe place at all and i really dont know what to do

i cant talk to person a about how i feel because i already told them its ok and telling them how i really feel now would only make them feel worse and theyre already so angry and touchy right now and i cant tell person b because theyd feel really bad that person a hates them and its just really difficult because i cant talk to anyone outside of them because i dont want them to talk to anyone else about the situation that's happening since i want it all to stay secret / private and ive just been on the brink of crying on and off all day today from this

i just wanted to have fun with the people i care about but its just upsetting to me because ive talked to person b about person a and theyre very sweet when talking about them and they have said they seem nice but person a is being just so hateful (for lack of a better word)

theyre the type of person to hold a grudge and ive had issues with them before, but weve moved passed all of those but they still have some little habits of passive agression that make me uncomfortable

but at the same time, this person is such a wonderful friend who i care a lot about and they care about me a lot, and i know that they do which is why im only more conflicted with everything.

i understand that the issue is between them but i feel like its all my fault somehow and im jsut really upset about everything. i dont know why this makes me feel like a bad person,but it does... it makes me think i havent defended person b enough? i dont know... im really tired and sad about this.

i dont know what to do and i know realistically everyone wont get along but i think person a has anger issues that they should maybe work with and learn to deal with and person b has a bad habit of taking everything personally and getting very anxious and paranoid, but they know about their problems and i know that theyre working on them...

im just kinda shocked i think? because i know person a can get angry and ive known that, but ive never seen them direct such hatred towards someone that im friends with and who many of their friends are friends with. it makes me feel like person a is maybe a little stubborn? theyre holding a grudge against a person that all their other friends are friends with and so theyre taking their word over the word of many people... im not saying they should be blindly faithful and im likely looking into this too much, but im just trying to understand for my own sake why im so hurt by this and i think that it has to do with the fact that it makes me feel like person a doesnt trust my judgment nor the judgment of any of their friends? 

i feel like person a in this situation has let me see another side of them? and it makes me think about some abusive family members and how theyd be angry and wouldnt listen to anyone elses views and i think that maybe its not so much person a, and it might be more my experiences? 

but it still hurts me a lot, a lot a lot and its making me wonder if theis friendship is going to last? i feel like the next time i see person a i wont know how to react to them and im worried i might cry

a friend right now offered to talk to me about it but im afraid and my throat is so tight i can barely talk without my voice shaking and i feel like if i do start talking ill start crying and they wont be able to understand me... 

this is so long but i feel a little better i think. realistically i dont think anyone read this, and im okay with that! on the off chance that someone did, then thank you, im sorry for whining and im sure it sounds silly... i know there are bigger problems but im stumped right now...

[writingguide003-blog]

#MeToo revelations and loud, angry men: the feminism flashpoint of Sydney writers festival

New Post has been published on https://writingguideto.com/must-see/metoo-revelations-and-loud-angry-men-the-feminism-flashpoint-of-sydney-writers-festival/

#MeToo revelations and loud, angry men: the feminism flashpoint of Sydney writers festival

For anyone who thought the movement had lost momentum, the last few days have proved otherwise

Hours before the cornerstone Sydney writers festival panel about the #MeToo movement on Saturday night, the Pulitzer-prize winning author Junot Diaz with events still booked in Sydney and in Melbourne was on a plane out of Australia.

The day before, another festival guest, writer Zinzi Clemmons, had spoken from the audience during the Q&A of one of Diazs panels, questioning the timing of his recent New Yorker essay and asking the writer to reckon with his own alleged history of harm.

She then shared her story on Twitter, claiming he had cornered and forcibly kissed her when she was 26.

Clemmons was joined on Twitter by other women including another festival speaker Carmon Maria Machado who made their own accusations of his alleged misconduct. Diaz withdrew from his remaining appearances, and told the New York Times (without referring to the allegations specifically): I take responsibility for my past.

As the story unfolded on Twitter, the green rooms no journalists policy was enforced with more vigour. Understandable. For anyone who thought the #MeToo movement had lost momentum, the last few days proved otherwise.

Lets recap, moderator and former Crikey editor Sophie Black told the audience, before a panel that would be interjected by a protester, a whistle-blower, and one of Australias best known feminists. Weve got a lot to talk about.

On Friday, for instance, the Nobel prize for literature was cancelled amid a sexual assault scandal. The day before that, a Washington Post investigation told of 27 more women who had allegations of sexual harassment against talk show host Charlie Rose.

One of the journalists behind that investigation, Irin Carmon, was on the panel, along with Now Australias spearhead and spokesperson Tracey Spicer and the New York Times Jenna Wortham. Carmon had been working on the Rose story since 2010, but it was only when the #MeToo movement gathered steam that she was able to get it off the ground.

Tracey Spicer, Irin Carmon, Jenna Wortham and Sophie Black during a panel discussion. Photograph: Jamie Williams

[In 2010] the women werent ready to speak out, and I had to move on, she explained. But when people started to tell their own stories on their own terms, I thought, Maybe its time to go back to the story, maybe they are now feeling its safe enough.

The movement has made it easier, she said, but its still not easy.

Carmon talked about the burden of proof needed to publish a story alleging sexual crimes, and the emotional exhaustion it took for a victim to speak out. The Rose story, she said, had taken over her life. This is not just happening willy-nilly; people are not just doing it for fun. Having been up close in the machine and the aftermath, it is not fun. It is not glamorous just because a few people went to the Oscars.

Later, she said: I wish people knew that what reporters publish is just the tip of the iceberg of what we know, because it has to meet such a high standard. One of Harvey Weinsteins accusers, for instance, had a recording of her harassment and still wasnt believed … So many people dont have that kind of evidence.

Spicer agreed. Since her public call-out for #MeToo stories on Twitter in October, she said 1600 people had contacted her with allegations about 100 different Australian men.

Ive got beyond a dozen accusations against many of the alleged offenders [who we havent yet exposed], she said. And even with that, you have to almost act like youre part of the police force. Is there any clothing with DNA on it? Are there any diaries? Did you tell anyone at the time, a family member or a friend? Its incredibly difficult in this country.

So whenever you read these stories or see them on television, you know that they have been robustly researched.

Australias restrictive defamation laws work against the whistle-blowers, as do varied pressures inside newsrooms, which have been hampering investigations at home. Spicer has spent the past six months connecting the strongest of the stories with news outlets around the country but her efforts, she revealed, havent always been welcome.

This is a conversation thats not going to be very popular in this room, but its something Ive been wanting to say publicly for a long time. When we started doing these stories in this country … we had the support of Fairfax and the ABC, and they were tremendous, she said.

But recently, in the last two months, Ive seen mainstream what we would call old media organisations starting to pull away from some of these stories … Not only is it costly, not only is it difficult because of defamation, but its getting a little bit too close to our executives. And that is a true story.

For that reason, she has been taking stories to a broader array of outlets, including Guardian Australia, the Financial Review and News Corp. If you want to keep reading and hearing about these stories, contact the media outlets in Australia and tell them, she said.

At least one of the people who had told their story to Spicer was in the room; she found her way to a microphone during the audience Q&A. I came to Tracey with my story last year and she followed up with me. She said, Youre not the only victim of this man but we just cant get the story up …

You shouldnt have to be sitting on a stage, putting out a call, asking audience members to give you the resources to bring these man to justice, she continued. I have seen you done so much more than what your job description has asked you, and honestly, the responsibility lies with the media organisations.

Following the Diaz allegations, the panel also discussed so-called trial by Twitter: women making allegations against men on social media or blogs, sidestepping journalism and the justice system.

I dont agree with people naming people on social media, Spicer said, but I understand why people are [doing it]. They feel a frustration with the gatekeepers.

It was even more difficult for women who didnt fit the mould of the victims whose stories have so far been prioritised: white, privileged, straight and famous women. I dont think were dealing or talking about it at all the way we should be, in terms of non-white, hetero normative, straight [victims], said Wortham, who co-hosts the Still Processing podcast on race and pop culture.

Wortham also spoke about the toxicity of open secrets, referencing the shitty media men list which privately circulated New York late last year before it was exposed.

The shared document named men whose allegedly inappropriate and harmful behaviour had, in some cases, been known by many.

I had gone to drinks with those people, I had been alone with them, Wortham said. I was a young 25-year-old who didnt know any better, and Id been in situations that could have potentially been very difficult. And because they were open secrets, the onus was on me to know that that was a dangerous situation.

But she hadnt been tapped into the whisper network. Either I wasnt successful enough or I wasnt interacting with the people who were privileged enough to have that information and pass it along to me. I wasnt in the right place on the hierarchy of knowledge …

Weve developed these coping mechanisms to deal with these societal problems that are really insufficient, and put the [onus] on us.

The panels penultimate moment was a welcome surprise: notable Australian feminist and writer Eva Cox stood at a microphone with a question for the panellists.

Its not How do we stop that man from doing that to us?, but How do we stop men feeling like theyre entitled to?, she said.

We have to start looking at what we are doing to little boys to make them feel entitled. We need to sit down and start addressing the social problem, because we are still the second sex. And unfortunately, a lot of what were doing to fight this … is using a male-driven system to try to screw a male-driven system. It doesnt work.

As the applause died down in the audience, a lone voice could be heard from the front: a man who had been barred from the microphone during the Q&A was standing in front of the stage and screaming aggressively at the strong, accomplished women who sat in front of him.

HOW MANY INNOCENT MEN WILL GET TAKEN DOWN? he yelled, as he was escorted out. GEOFFREY RUSH IS AN AUSTRALIAN ICON!

The four panellists had spent the last 60 minutes illustrating why this movement wasnt going away. It took just one man, in one second, to succinctly prove their point.

An earlier version of this article implied journalists were removed from the green room following the Junot Diaz allegations. According to the festival, the green room was intended as a journalist-free space

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

[adambstingus]

Are You The One Recap: Gio Olympics 2016—Everyone Is A Fucking Loser

Wooohoo, were back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. Im sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.

So lets give the people what they want, shall we?

They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because hes a thinker! They all just need to have sex morethats clearly what theyre missing.

PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought,

Gios like hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there and Prosper is like Id really like to be excluded from this narrative.

Gios like I tried to fight Stephen because of principle and is like if I let one person do it, everyone will. Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.

Julias like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, Im so happy.” Its not her fault shes so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christits looking like a tequila kind of night.

Everyone is like they havent even kissed yet!!! which is low-key embarrassing. Its one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.

Julias like KISSING IS HUGEits more important than sex!! Well, one can lead to a child and the other cant, so lets just go with thats wrongthough there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.

MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if its to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!

Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in commonmostly just that they cant stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldnt be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.

THE GAME

YES, best part of the season: the dudes exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.

The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, yall got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.

Tylers like my ex threw a box of wine at my head, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I havent drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgans mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!

The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questionswhoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesnt have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. Im weak.

Question 1: Does your ex still think youre a good catch?

Gios ex is like, . Hes immature and Kaylens like Hes also fucking crazy, dont forget that yall. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.

Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?

Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows hes crazy. Admitting is the first step.

Morgans ex said that hes really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and its like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didnt date TFMs poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.

Toris like WOW hes so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart! Fucking incredible.

Question 3: Does your ex think youre ready to settle down?

Everyone says no. Im sure your matches are PUMPED. Johns very excited about this*fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH MERICA!*

Question 4:What animal best describes your personality?

Tylers ex is literally here to ruin lives, Im low-key living for it.

RYAN: What animal is Tyler? EX: Dog shit RYAN: Thats not an animal EX: RYAN: EX: RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.

Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them rightmostly because every answer has been something like crazy, psycho or horrible. Gios like know yourself, know your worth.

Its down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this droughtuseless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)

Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?

Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so its John and Gio. Its also, dare I say, fucking lit.

John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.

Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.

STEPHEN: That plan is crazy JULIA: I know STEPHEN: So crazy. It just might work

Gios like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE IM GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because itll end this shit, some dont want to waste a truth booth.

HALF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus. THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Cady heron because shes the one that pushed her.

Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. Hes like youre sexy and Bagels like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.

Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.

Shes like I had to grow into my belly button and hes like “AH SO THATS WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke thats been told on this show.

He then is like NO NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! and then is like I wish your ass was fatter. This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.

THE WORLDS MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED

For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylens like And yeah, she really does fucking suck.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and shes like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julias life.

Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gios like, a sex addict.

CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Gios like if I leave here without you I have nothing! and its like, we get it, youre homeless. She says they only have a physical connection and hes like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”

GIO: *plays music* You and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOURE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?

TRUTH BOOTH

Gios like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped. What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?

Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to himhes really holding out for that.

Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and its like, nah probs not but ok.

John is pissed because, hes right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. Its like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.

Gios like the house is gonna feel stupid AF and Morgans like NO, youre gonna feel stupidwhen were like, right and stuff. ANYWAYS YOURE FAT!

While Gios planning his hostile takeover of Julias bed, shes like should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?

Im on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.

Hey Gio? Are you a 90s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby

And Julias like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” Hes like in there crying and shes like checking her watch like, can we go now?

Stephen is crying too wtf is going on? Johns like consoling him and seriously, Ive seen less tears in my sorority house.

Julias like there, there Gio. Youve been through worse. Yeah honestly Gio, youve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.

They come back and John is like and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, Im a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and Im all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?

The conversation goes like: JOHN: Apologize GIO: no JOHN: please die

Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julias first kiss! Babys first rave, babys first rave!

GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend.

The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and hes like SHE VERY FUN, hehe. My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:

Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But Im here for it.

Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” Im ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa 11. Yikes.

Gio is up first and Ryan is like how did it feel to be wrong? Gios like Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?

Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.

GIO: I dont hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.

Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.

Prosper picks Franny and Ryans like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryans like, Well arent you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?

Stephen is up next. Hes like Waiting for that kiss was so worth it. Now hes just gotta wait for his balls to drop.

Ryans like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgans like bro Ill fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do thatFATASS! Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.

They start making out in front of everyone like Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TVs, cursing that sinning whore Julia.

Tyler picks Bagel.

Cam picks Tori.

All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like

Morgan picks Victoria.

Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryans like You mad youre not with her? and hes like STRATEGY, VERY NICE.

Asaf is like Acting like hes fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes. John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.

Kaylens like Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!! Uh, you two arent a match either? Time to move the fuck on.

Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, hes like

RYAN:If you loved her you wouldnt have left her GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now

Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, lets go out there and win this fucking game! And Gios likehmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.

Were waiting for the beams and they arent coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn. OH, but it isTHEY GET A BLACKOUT.

This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf arent matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.

They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like youll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.

Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gios third eye not see this coming?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182227933232

[allofbeercom]

Are You The One Recap: Gio Olympics 2016—Everyone Is A Fucking Loser

Wooohoo, were back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. Im sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.

So lets give the people what they want, shall we?

They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because hes a thinker! They all just need to have sex morethats clearly what theyre missing.

PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought,

Gios like hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there and Prosper is like Id really like to be excluded from this narrative.

Gios like I tried to fight Stephen because of principle and is like if I let one person do it, everyone will. Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.

Julias like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, Im so happy.” Its not her fault shes so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christits looking like a tequila kind of night.

Everyone is like they havent even kissed yet!!! which is low-key embarrassing. Its one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.

Julias like KISSING IS HUGEits more important than sex!! Well, one can lead to a child and the other cant, so lets just go with thats wrongthough there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.

MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if its to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!

Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in commonmostly just that they cant stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldnt be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.

THE GAME

YES, best part of the season: the dudes exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.

The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, yall got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.

Tylers like my ex threw a box of wine at my head, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I havent drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgans mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!

The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questionswhoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesnt have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. Im weak.

Question 1: Does your ex still think youre a good catch?

Gios ex is like, . Hes immature and Kaylens like Hes also fucking crazy, dont forget that yall. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.

Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?

Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows hes crazy. Admitting is the first step.

Morgans ex said that hes really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and its like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didnt date TFMs poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.

Toris like WOW hes so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart! Fucking incredible.

Question 3: Does your ex think youre ready to settle down?

Everyone says no. Im sure your matches are PUMPED. Johns very excited about this*fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH MERICA!*

Question 4:What animal best describes your personality?

Tylers ex is literally here to ruin lives, Im low-key living for it.

RYAN: What animal is Tyler? EX: Dog shit RYAN: Thats not an animal EX: RYAN: EX: RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.

Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them rightmostly because every answer has been something like crazy, psycho or horrible. Gios like know yourself, know your worth.

Its down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this droughtuseless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)

Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?

Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so its John and Gio. Its also, dare I say, fucking lit.

John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.

Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.

STEPHEN: That plan is crazy JULIA: I know STEPHEN: So crazy. It just might work

Gios like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE IM GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because itll end this shit, some dont want to waste a truth booth.

HALF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus. THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Cady heron because shes the one that pushed her.

Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. Hes like youre sexy and Bagels like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.

Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.

Shes like I had to grow into my belly button and hes like “AH SO THATS WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke thats been told on this show.

He then is like NO NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! and then is like I wish your ass was fatter. This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.

THE WORLDS MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED

For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylens like And yeah, she really does fucking suck.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and shes like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julias life.

Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gios like, a sex addict.

CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Gios like if I leave here without you I have nothing! and its like, we get it, youre homeless. She says they only have a physical connection and hes like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”

GIO: *plays music* You and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOURE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?

TRUTH BOOTH

Gios like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped. What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?

Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to himhes really holding out for that.

Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and its like, nah probs not but ok.

John is pissed because, hes right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. Its like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.

Gios like the house is gonna feel stupid AF and Morgans like NO, youre gonna feel stupidwhen were like, right and stuff. ANYWAYS YOURE FAT!

While Gios planning his hostile takeover of Julias bed, shes like should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?

Im on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.

Hey Gio? Are you a 90s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby

And Julias like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” Hes like in there crying and shes like checking her watch like, can we go now?

Stephen is crying too wtf is going on? Johns like consoling him and seriously, Ive seen less tears in my sorority house.

Julias like there, there Gio. Youve been through worse. Yeah honestly Gio, youve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.

They come back and John is like and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, Im a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and Im all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?

The conversation goes like: JOHN: Apologize GIO: no JOHN: please die

Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julias first kiss! Babys first rave, babys first rave!

GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend.

The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and hes like SHE VERY FUN, hehe. My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:

Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But Im here for it.

Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” Im ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa 11. Yikes.

Gio is up first and Ryan is like how did it feel to be wrong? Gios like Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?

Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.

GIO: I dont hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.

Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.

Prosper picks Franny and Ryans like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryans like, Well arent you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?

Stephen is up next. Hes like Waiting for that kiss was so worth it. Now hes just gotta wait for his balls to drop.

Ryans like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgans like bro Ill fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do thatFATASS! Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.

They start making out in front of everyone like Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TVs, cursing that sinning whore Julia.

Tyler picks Bagel.

Cam picks Tori.

All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like

Morgan picks Victoria.

Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryans like You mad youre not with her? and hes like STRATEGY, VERY NICE.

Asaf is like Acting like hes fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes. John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.

Kaylens like Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!! Uh, you two arent a match either? Time to move the fuck on.

Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, hes like

RYAN:If you loved her you wouldnt have left her GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now

Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, lets go out there and win this fucking game! And Gios likehmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.

Were waiting for the beams and they arent coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn. OH, but it isTHEY GET A BLACKOUT.

This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf arent matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.

They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like youll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.

Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gios third eye not see this coming?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 6.24.18

A friend of mine told me that he recently went to a conference where all of the attendees seemed to be talking about perfectionism, in spite of that fact that it wasn’t the conference theme. They were discussing it as people who had been susceptible to impossible standards in the past, but now counted themselves lucky to have let perfectionism go.

As we were talking, it occurred to me that I haven’t thought about perfectionism in a long time, though it had a hold on me for years. Even after I stopped trying to do everything “right,” perfectionism (and to some extent, being “Type A”) was a big part of my identity. I called myself a “recovering perfectionist,” which was truthful, but in retrospect I think it was also my way of continuing to identify with perfectionism and communicate it to others. I didn’t want to be subject to oppressive standards anymore, but I hadn’t yet figured out who I was without them.

In the end, perfectionism exited my life out of necessity; I untangled from it because I didn’t have a choice. Living with bouts of depression and anxiety in the last few years has meant letting go of a lot of my self-imposed notions of what constitutes productivity, success, or a day well spent.

A common experience of depression, I think, is that small, routine asks can suddenly seem insurmountable: doing laundry, cleaning up, running errands. This would have sounded unbelievable to me at one point in my life, when these kinds of to-dos were just afterthoughts, but now I know what it’s like to struggle with the everyday.

I’m thinking back to an afternoon two summers ago that illustrates this perfectly: my anxiety had been particularly bad, and I’d been paralyzed by procrastination all day. By dinnertime I was genuinely proud of myself for having gotten out of the house to pick up groceries and mail a package. This was a radically different measure of productivity than I was used to, and it didn’t matter: I was relieved to have done something, anything.

I’m in a different place now, capable of fuller days, but my perspective remains valuably altered by that experience. I don’t wake up with a fixed agenda anymore. I don’t plan on doing more than I know I can handle. If I notice that tasks remain undone everyday on my modest to-do list, I take it as a sign that I need to plan on doing less, rather than wondering why I can’t do more.

I’ve learned that my capacity for doing and my tendency to get overwhelmed ebb and flow. Sometimes they shift for reasons that I can identify, like how I’m feeling physically or whether something has made me anxious. Sometimes they change suddenly and for no apparent reason. I don’t try to bully myself out of feeling overwhelmed; rather, I ask what would make me feel calmer and more steady.

I often remind myself of a mantra that my friend Maria gave herself when her MS symptoms started keeping her from the pace and routines that had become customary: “better than before.” The origin of this mantra was an ongoing struggle to keep tidy the home she shared with her young son. As Maria’s “functional self” receded, she noticed the presence of another self, who “though less physically versatile, was stronger than I ever could have imagined from the perspective of the one who functioned’ throughout the day. She began to show me things my functional self simply missed.”

One of those things, she goes on to say,

was to be able to notice when I was completely out of energy to exert myself. This might be when something was halfway wiped, or not wiped at all, but I had somehow managed to put some things away. She would know to say that’s enough for now. And she was very clever about what would satisfy my functional self, who would never have been satisfied with that’s enough. It sobered that functional self to learn when the diagnosis of MS finally came that the “forcing” she had habituated herself to was the worst thing to do if she wanted to preserve her physical abilities.  But as the saying goes, it’s really true that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. So my deeper wiser identity came up with something even more ingenious than this looming threat:

Better Than It Was.

Or, (depending on the context): Cleaner Than It Was.

These two statements became my mottos. And they still are. They allowed me to learn to pace myself while still satisfying that Functional Self that I was making what she considered progress through the daily requirements of life, even if many of them were slowed to a crawl or a downright standstill.  Better Than It Was.

Maria’s story is uniquely her own, and my own sense of high functionality has shifted for reasons that are uniquely mine. But her clever motto has given me great comfort since I first read about it on her blog. So, too, does this quote from Melody Beattie: “Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.”

The best thing about letting go of perfectionism is developing a capacity to recognize that “our best” can look very different from moment to moment. There’s no longer an immovable standard of output. I wish that I’d been able to pry my ego away from productivity and being busy on my own, rather than being forced to reckon with a dramatic shift in my capacities, but in the end, it doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is that I’m learning to be grateful for what I can do, rather than fixating on what I haven’t, or can’t.

Throughout all of this, I’ve had the tremendous luxury of being able to adjust my schedule and responsibilities in a way that allowed me to create a dynamic “new normal.” Not every person has the space to do this, depending on his or her professional and personal circumstances. I recognize and respect the many men and women who go through periods of depression and anxiety while also keeping up with fixed schedules. And of course I worry sometimes about my DI year: now that I’m learning how to take gentle care in the moments when I need to, what will it be like to temporarily lose control of my schedule and workload?

I don’t have an answer, but to some degree I suspect that I don’t need one. My routine next year will be a challenge, but so long as I can do my best without succumbing to the influence of perfectionism, I know I’ll be OK. Much as I’ve made my schedule more realistic, letting go of perfectionism has been an inside job. It resides in recognizing how futile perfectionism is, how it discourages me needlessly while keeping me from recognizing the good that I can do, and maybe have done (another observation that’s prompted by Beattie).

Here’s to a week—and a month, and a summer, and a year—of doing my best and trusting that my best is enough. I wish the same for you, too. And here’s the weekly roundup of links.

Recipes

I would never think to put fruit in a tabbouleh, but I love Katie’s creative mixture of blueberries, parsley, mint, and quinoa—I’d actually love to try it as a savory breakfast dish!

A very different kind of quinoa salad, but no less delicious: a curried mixture with red cabbage, raisins, and pumpkin seeds from Melanie of Veggie Jam.

Two recipes for summer entertaining caught my eye this past week. The first is these show-stopping chipotle cauliflower nachos from my friend Jeanine of Love & Lemons.

Number two is this platter of green summer rolls with mango miso sauce from Anya of Lazy Cat Kitchen. The sauce alone is calling to me, but I also love all of the tender green veggies here (asparagus, zucchini, broccolini).

Finally, a summery vegan pasta salad with creamy avocado dressing—perfect timing, as pasta salad’s been on my mind lately (and I may just have a recipe coming soon!).

Reads

1. This article is about a month old, but it’s very on-topic for today’s post: why you should stop being so hard on yourself, via The New York Times.

2. Ed Yong’s new article on the threat of imminent global pandemics frightened me (and the blurb under the title didn’t help), but it’s an important topic, and I’m glad that it’s being written about. Yong notes the medical supply shortages that are becoming increasingly problematic in the US; hopefully greater awareness might somehow inspire solutions.

3. Reporting on the termination of a major NIH study of alcohol, heart attack, and stroke, which was shut down when conflicts of interest were identified. It’s an important examination of the ethics of funding and scientific research.

4. Dispatches from the Gulf of California, where the vaquita—now the world’s rarest marine mammal—is on the brink of extinction.

5. I was so full of appreciation and respect when I read my friend Karen’s latest post on numbers and body acceptance.

Like Karen, I went through a long period of asking to be blind weighed at the doctor’s office and not owning a scale. That time served a purpose, but nowadays I can be aware of the number without identifying with it, which I’m grateful for. I’ve had a bunch of doctor’s appointments in the last month, and getting weighed has been the last thing on my mind: feeling more at home in my body has been my only point of focus.

Karen opens up about her own recent experience with the scale and the annual physical, then reflects on why she’s committed to being transparent about what “balance” looks like for her. It’s great to witness her journey unfolding.

On that inspiring note, happy Sunday—and from a celebratory NYC, happy pride! I’ll be circling back this week with my first fruit-filled dessert of the summer.

xo

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