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peeinginthegrass96 · 1 month ago

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Tweek and Craig actually DOESN'T love eachother (Theory)

Disclaimer:

I don't hate Creek, i do it because i have some things to say about this ship with stuff i saw in the show while i analised them. And this is just a theory so you don't have to take the whole post seriusly because i dont saying that that is canon even it looks like it is. And this theory is exclusively about the show, not focused in the fandom. Enjoy!

1- Tweek and Craig episode retrospective

All of us know that this ship became canon. But at the beginging, they weren't a couple yet, they were angry, because the asian girls were very obcessed with them that they shipped them and that obseccion gone to the South Park townsfolks. And they were affected and uncomfortable by the massive attention they received from people, and they even told that problem to the PC Principal to solve it, but he instead told them something about have consensed sex, nothing related to their actual issues (Not even their parents tried to avoid the harassment).

But since in that same episode that issue affected them so hard to the point of not getting back together, faking a breakup so that no one would say anything about them, but anyway it got worse because people thought that Craig was mean for doing that to Tweek. And even they fighted in school in front of many people for the frustration that it caused to them and how they screwed it up.

They also had too much issues for doing that, especially Craig, who has the idea to fake a break up, and then they threw shit at them for not being the perfect couple that the whole town idealized and wanted to have, and therefore, to stop them from throwing shit at Tweek and Craig, they got back together so the people leave them alone comfirming their toughts (social pressure). But they only looked happy being toghether because South Park people are watching them and they wanted them to be happy or maybe because they are getting used for it even if they arent interesed in that.

2-First interactions

If they were actually interesed on each other, they were a couple much before that episode, but they didnt it even when their first appearence where in the seasons 2 and 3. In fact, in their first interaction, they even arent friends. And they met each other when the boys incited them to had a fight in school, and they fought and ended in the hospital at the end. And after that episode, their only apparences toghether were just a few cameos, and in most of the scenes it shows that Tweek and Craig arent toghether. And it was in many many seasons ago before season 19 when the ship becames canon.

Even relationships like Stendy and Clybe had a quick development since their first seasons because they had know much better and had a much closer relationships since they know eachother, even a rivalty like Cartman and Kyle duo had many aparences cuz they knew each other before and were very closer so it can work since the first South Park episode. Tweek and Craig relationship didnt work at the starting cuz they havent met and they weren't closer to have a relationship. So the consequences are that they were tricked by the other boys into thinking that they knew Craig and Tweek well because they claimed things about them that weren't true and the other believed it, creating a wrong view of them when they didn't know each other and creating a rivalry based on lies that they believed. And that's not how a strong relationship can be built.

3-Next interactions

A few moments after they had toghether in screen in a very few episodes episodes or games. But since season 22 are much more separated from themselves than you would expect from a ship as beloved as this, and even in cameos, as in Not Suitable for Children (Tweek with Cartman's affinity group without Craig), Cupid Ye (Craig was sitting in music class with Scott Malkinson instead Tweek), in Pijama Day (Creig doesnt sit with Tweek in the class), in Let them Eat Goo (In any cameo, Craig isnt with Tweek), In The Scoots (Craig isnt with Tweek in any cameo, neither in the scen when the kids show their costumes in the classroom), in a Nightmare on Facetime (Creig gone to the costume party without Tweek, he was with Butters instead) and more. Their last aparicion were in Post Covid, but they even dont hold their hands, they were just like incidental characters like they were just friends.... But let's explain something, in season 21 there were some interactions between them as a couple, but only were incidental moments, and most of the time they did it when they were in public and if they did it on their homes, is when their families are there. And in most of their interactions they werent too happy when teire together like Wendy and Stan, Bebe and Clyde, Gay Al and Mr Slave, and Mr Garrison and his boyfriend since season 25. And the few current moments that theire together since season 22 are just cameos, a few.

In Put it Down episode, Tweek was scared when he tought that the koreans would nuke South Park and when he was scared, Craig tried to comfort him many times, but it didnt work at the point of being angry because Tweek didnt have patience with him and he didnt let Craig to help him even when they were boyfriends and boyfriends help themselves, he bought spinners to him, he suggested him to make cupcakes, but he still didnt let him to confort him and Tweek was angry because he tought that Craig didnt help him. And the last time Craig did it, it worked, and they were satisfied of theyselves, but it doesnt mean that all the prosses of it made Craig to get more tired, and he was happy because at least his comfort worked at the end and Tweek was happy because he noticed that koreans wont nuke South Park or something. And they sang in front of the school at the end.

And in Fractured But Whole, game that was released during the season 21, Tweek and Craig break up because Tweek were becoming annoyng because of his anxiety and for that Craig were more centred in his guinea pig pet, and the new kid's quest was bring them toghether again until they arent think so. If they really wanted to stay toghether again, they would made it for themselves. In real life bring a couple toghether never would work because the couple had marked by the hate so much that they had their reasons for why they broke up, and some words never would work because they had their own reasons of why they broke up, they thought in the reasons, and they tought if they can break up or not. Like Heidi with Cartman, we know why they broke up and she tought in that since she noticed that she was turning into a second Cartman, the issues that turned her into that, and why Cartman did that, and even Kyle tried to do separate her from Cartman, she didnt acept it because Kyle only talked about she has to break up with Cartman, and he involuntary forced her to stay with him, but she wasnt clear about her relationship with Cartman. And you can convince people because they tought too much for their convictions and had the stupp for having it strong like other people, and they only change when they think again, but is really dificult, and imposible during a break up. And i want to mention that in Tweeks last aparitions he's chill and calm, even without Craig, like in Not Suitable for Children, and in other moments and cameos.

4-The theory

All the stuff i put there are my proof and arguments that support my theory and so you can clearly know why i think so. My theory is that Tweek and Craig doesnt love eachother as a couple, because all the romantic stuff when they are the main characters, are full of conflicts ans issues between them when they are toghether. I know that couples have issues and conflicts between them, but couples havent that troubles all the time, neither Cartman and Heidi started like that. And that stuff is because Tweek and Craig were umcomforted as a couple and they want to be watched as friends or maybe classmates, and that comfort has shown since the starting of the "Tweek and Craig" episode when the ship becames canon.

They were uncomfort when they were shown as a romantic couple, they wanted to act for not being watched as a couple more, and they asked for help fot that, but nobody wanted to see the real problem inside that because they were more focused on their silly fantasies instead of the feelings of them about that and the unconfort of being indicated for being the boyfriend of someone and how it feels being pointed in front of everyone and being stalked and harrased for being that. And about when they were really unconforted about people telling other people that they were a couple and people telling to them that they love eachother, and when they tried to show all the people that they arent the couple that they fantasized and idealized, the people get pissed of because they didnt want to fulfill their fantasies and toughts about them being a couple, and they became together because they wanted people to stop harassing them and wanting them to confirm their toughts.

And in next episodes and moments, thay acted like a couple because they know that people still happy for having them together and they still interesed in them, and they did things like putting names eachother and hanging out together in front of people so they dont get upset if they arent acting like a couple, and in Fractured But Whole they break up, but new kid's mission were bringing them together because some people in South Park were sad or upsetd about they being separated, even some of the fans out of the game were like that, but still with the hope that they would together again. But when they noticed that people are stopping to get interesed in them, they took advatage in that so they can be free and do wathever they want without being judged or being forced to stay togheter again and proof that they arent toghether now are the moments i shown like Cupid Ye and Not Suitable for Children, and other media thet i mentionated in the third part. And in the few cameos are together because are just friends or by chance, like the cameos when Cartman is sitting with Butters in the classroom or in the cafeteria altroug not being a canon couple. And in Post Covid, they were together because after so long without seeing each other, they came together to commemorate their past moments and remember each other again, like a reunion of friends.

¡Thanks for read!

#sp creek #south park creek #south park #creek #fan theory #tweek and craig #craig x tweek #sp tweek #sp craig #south park tweek #south park craig

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thecoloroute · 1 year ago

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Back To School Shopping List for A College Freshman Art Student

Hi guys I went to RISD a few years back but I do remember looking up this question. if you're not going to college just yet but are interested in art, it could be super useful to get comfortable using the tools/mediums below. even though i know most teachers give a materials list the first day, i needed to be prepared way ahead of time because of my anxiety. in my case, i was told id get a list in person, but walking in with an empty bag just felt wrong to me lol??? i ended up bringing a couple things, but missed a few vital essentials so here's a list of everything that i can think of. read to the end for my wagon epiphany that i think all art students should adopt (if they havent already)

-a notebook or planner (lined). some professors will hit you with extremely important info right away and wont always tell you to write down what they're saying but 90% of the time its important stuff you dont wanna miss

-a sketchbook. this can help if they throw a quick exercise at you and you have to write/draw something quickly. i blanked and didnt bring a sketchbook from home (because i was told id need to get certain types according to the teacher's specifications) but looking back idk why i didnt?? first days are hectic. actually the first week lol. anyways there were single sheets offered but honestly having your own right off the bat helps for organizational purposes, saves time, and IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, prevents the need to get up in front of everyone

-writing utensils. I'd recommend a nice pen and a set of drawing pencils (doesn't have to be anything crazy cause your teacher will most likely request that you buy more advanced/specific tools later on)

-headphones. every teacher is different, but usually art students will be given little tasks to work on during their first day in class at college. I was not clever enough to remember to pack my headphones, and the silence in a room full of focused art students can be especially unnerving when you're nervous. Hearing a student's questionable music taste can be equally unnerving, so make sure to pack those.

-snacks/drinks. this is kind of a branch off of the last one, cause again it can get sooooo quiet in these classrooms/studios. Pack snacks to prevent belly grumbles. I have heard it happen to many people in my classes and i am a victim as well. stay ready

-sunglasses. seems trivial but super important because you'll probably be walking around outside a lot your first day. this is the typical college commute, up down and around the streets.

-MONEY. I AM GOING TO PUT THIS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THIS WAS BY FAR MY BIGGEST MISTAKE LOL. UNFORTUNATELY, STAY STRAPPED WITH CASH OR CARD BCUZ! SOME OF THOSE ART SCHOOL PROFESSORS ARE A LIL BOUJEE AND WILL SEND U RIGHT TO THE CAMPUS ART STORE DAY ONE. It was very overwhelming for me, and some might think its common sense but idk my entire school career you always get some time after school to buy that stuff. they really sent us shopping ten minutes into class so be aware or look broke like i did.

Other than that, all the stuff you'll have to potentially purchase that day will be specified by the teacher. If you're worried about getting the wrong thing, don't be. The students get to go together and the teacher gives very specific details about the products to buy, which the campus store workers are well aware of. Off the top of my head, i remember being sent to get materials for a few different classes throughout the day. I'll list them here without the brand specifics (1. cause i dont know and 2. cause it may not match what your teacher will want anyway) just to give you a general idea.

-large ruler, metal, 1 yard (3 ft)

-clear plastic t-shaped ruler for drawing

-sketchbooks, drawing pads (of all sizes)

-a large portfolio (looks like a gigantic black totebag for big art papers)

-sewing kit

-string

-muslin fabric

-ink pens

-drawing pencils, different sizes

-drawing charcoal

-white paper drawing blender, a good eraser

-a toolbox for the drawing materials

-gouache paint

-brushes, pallets

-oil paint crayons

-a tool box

-ink pens like harry potter

That's pretty much it. If you'd like to grab some of these things before hand it should be fine, but for the most part id stick to waiting just to be safe.

Also a side note: I was a commuter so i could run home and grab my materials collected over my entire life but not every student is this lucky and some of their homes are thousands of miles away. if ur a traveling bird like them, it could be very VERY useful to pack some cool materials and tools like idk holographic paper or a jar of crystals because CAMPUS ART STORES ARE VERY EXPENSIVE!!!!

Also....... i know it sounds a little ridiculous but there were many many times i wished i had bought a wagon to transport things around campus. imagine me with a like 4ft portfolio bag the size of my body, a pencil toolbox, another toolbox for actual tools, my backpack, any projects i may have brought, a coffee if i am holding one??? and god forbid its a rainy day and i needed my umbrella lol.. it looks & feels difficult anyway trying to lug all the stuff art school requires.. so thats just some food for thought. Imagine a cute pink wagon?!??

anyways thats a wrap, have a lovely school year artists!

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subway-boss-jericho · 2 years ago

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Hey all! Announcement stuff!

Thank you to everyone who has been very patient with me. I swear to god i could turn into one of those Ao3 authors thats like "hahaha sorry i havent updated in so long i died and then came back to life and then i had to work 7 jobs" and im being so fucking brave about it!! ANYWAYS THATS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!

Tomorrow is the 1 Year anniversary of steady tracks chapter 1! 🥳(and also my birthday. yes that was on purpose)

So! I wanted to give you all some updates and stuff to look forward to because oh god it sure has been an entire fucking year since I uploaded stuff and I refuse to feel bad about it but my brain is trying so hard to make me! I am working on chapter 2. Progress has been terribly slow because of severe life events, thank you for your understanding.

So!! What's next? Well, over the summer I am really fucking hoping to finish chapter 2. I know I keep saying this but literally i stg. I'm going apeshit. do you know how hard it is to think about something for an entire year and never have the time, motivation, or energy at the same time to make it exist?? fucked up!! Before that though, I have a few things.

I TOLD you all that I would talk about an AU of mine, whichever was highest voted in that strawpoll I did, and then surprise i fuckin didnt do that. I would very very much like to do that! The problem, I realized, is that I operate super hard on a reactionary basis so I am not prone to talking about anything that is mine until prompted about it or given permission. Fucking, Wack. This is my house. I should be cringe and free but nooooo. Anyways, because of this, I am planning on doing 2 things -> Actually tell you guys about spirit keeper! You all voted for him back when, and especially with that ✨Fucking, Gorgeous✨ commission from Fronomeeps I got (for me birthday :]) I really really really want to do that. And post my art more. and shit like that. seriously i need to get out of my head or I'll explode. someone needs to scream about how cool these stories are with me or I'll dissolve. -> I am thinking of doing a day long event where I stream an Aggie/(Magma?) where I draw my AUs and let people hop in to join in (as long as it stays on topic!) as well as answering as many asks as I can about my many aus and basically setting you guys up to trick me into infodumping. Because let me tell you i have a year and a halfs worth of words in my head and i am 100% confident ingo and emmet enjoyers would really like to hear them. So I wanna do a big ask party Q&A and really get things rolling!! Hopefully with drawings and doodles involved! as a celebration for myself, and as a way to open up to the greater fandom (Please leave a comment if you think that sounds cool, I'm trying to gauge interest because if i went all out and no one showed up it would be Extremely Depressing!)

ON! THAT! TOPIC!!! I am actively (literally interspersed with as I am typing this) making a UQUIZ about all of my significant AUs. For the record, there are 23 results on this quiz. I currently only have 3/23 final results completed, but it is my active focus over the weekend to finish as many of those as I can to try and complete the entire thing within a week or less. Also poking at my phrasing here, when I say my significant aus I Mean It, I have more than 23, but these 23 are the ones with stories tangible enough to start somewhere and elaborate on. I have about 10 that I would consider my main AUs, but some of the smaller ones are huge sleeper favorites.

SO YEAH!!! PLEASE LOOK FORWARD TO THAT AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE INTERESTED!! I really wanna do fun stuff and get to know people in the fandom more than just. that person who wrote 1 chapter of a cool fic that one time. I have so much more to offer and I struggle so much to offer it. Please draw me out of my shell, I wish to enter the fandom sphere 🥺

thank you for giving me a great year <3 ((and hopefully the next one will be better <3))

#Status Update #AUs #Long Post #Ingo pokemon #Emmet pokemon #Submas #i feel a little bad about putting this on the main tags but im not joking when i say i really wanna break out of my head and do something #fun and exciting #Subway Boss Jericho Taking The PA System Aux

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aroace-poly-show · 2 years ago

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tell me everything about your ocs. please

YES OMG

so we have a few choices here!!! some are more developed than others simply bc i thought about them more but theres at least a little bit of lore for everyone here!! ill add an asterisk* besides those who arent fully fleshed out :]

ill be adding a summary of them beside them :]

notes: its a fantasy world (bc i find them more fun to do since i can just go apeshit with designs and loreand shit) so very few of these guys are just human, most are some kind of species which ill specify beside them so just ask for more details if you’re curious!!

these are also not *full* summaries im leaving out some stuff so ask if you want anything specific elaborated on!! (please ask im so so happy to explain ive had this in my head for months and ive told exactly one person so im more than happy to keep ranting)

—————

vesper: one of the first ones i actually thought up, pretty traumatized older brother to rumi!! has issues with dealing with grief and guilt over his dead bf. tree/plant person (i never gave any official names, but just think of those “[insert thing] as a person” designs!!), specifically based off a cherry blossom tree!! (im planning to draw his quick ref sheet next :D), has a big big sword!!

rumi: vesper’s younger sister!! also traumatized lol, main event that caused it was the same thing as vesper (it was this big deal i can go more into detail on later, its their motivations for like 90% of what they do), dealing with issues after essentially being left to cope and (try to, it didn’t exactly work out the best;;) all by herself/growing up too fast after mentioned event. even though shes younger shes taller than vesper and will never not make fun of him for it. very playful with her brother!! has a big big battle axe that i had so much fun drawing. also tree person, shes based off a willow tree :D, but shes missing her branch/antler thingies.

unma*: dead bf. liiiiitle bit of a femboy. he was really kind to vesper and loved him a lot and FEELS SO BAD about what happened. literally all he wants in his afterlife is for vesper to MOVE THE FUCK ON. desperately just wants vesper to be happy again even though hes dead and gone. honestly same goes for rumi, even though they werent as close as vesper and unma had been, rumi still really cared for him and looked up to him and feels awful about his death, and unma here just wants them both to stop holding on so tight to what happened, move on as best they can, and be happy again. (they’re both getting there eventually tho <3)

dorian: friends with ebony!! also vespers new very very loving bf (although where i left off in my lil imagined storyline theyre not OFFICIAL just yet bc technically in the storyline i havent gotten to that point, but i do already have many interactions imagined already lol), also in turns becomes friends w/ rumi :D. really nice guy, a wandering medic/healer who generally prefers to not kill anyone or attack unprovoked (but he will make exceptions,,,), has some guilt associated with those he couldn’t save, but handles it MUCH better than vesper… (but to be fair its not a very high bar to cross), carries around an umbrella that doubles as a fighting staff. really devoted to helping as many people as he can. as shown in the ref sheet, while i, again, dont have like any official name for his kind hes got those horns and a tail!! (mostly bc i enjoy drawing them hehe)

ebony*: very shy and really really sweet spider girl who lives in a library with a ghost boy!! shes actually trans :D. honestly a little bit of an anxious mess, similar personality to sucrose (genshin) and kohane (project sekai). aside from the ghost kid she lives with, she doesnt talk to many people, and doesnt have much contact with her family since they didnt have a great reaction to her coming out. theyre also kind of overbearing. for her design, honestly shes incredibly similar to muffet from undertale.

ghost kid*: sorry i have like,,, so little on him. i swear i had a name for him but ive COMPLETELY forgotten. if you have name suggestions give me them pls. i do remember how he died though, feel free to ask about that since it technically involves the town ebony lives in too. i do know he has a cute lil paper crown though <3

weiss: mature lesbian gal. shes pretty smart and serious and especially enjoys working with mechanical stuff. literally made herself a fucking gun. what a girlboss. she used to work as a doctor bc she really wanted to help her partner who has a pretty serious illness, but the place she worked for ended up doing pretty fucked up stuff “in the name of research” and she unwittingly helped in those projects. feels really guilty for it but shes still determined to find someway to save her partner. technically on the run with said partner, and they do lil shows together!!

jex: weiss’s partner!!! originally they were inspired by that specific kind of childish character where theyre like “lets play a game heehee!!!” *tries to fucking murder you* “what a fun game :D” (i love these kinds of characters), but theyre not exactly that extreme. however they do really enjoy doing incredibly risky things acting like its a game. just straight up gambles with death constantly bc they find it exciting. their illness really held them back when they were younger, pretty much never allowed to do anything by their parents since they were trying to extend their lifespan by as much as possible, and they felt like they missed out a lot on just enjoying the life they did have, so thats their goal for the rest of their life. they’ve mostly accepted their inevitable death (which pisses weiss the fuck off) and they really just want to enjoy the time they do have with their loved ones doing what they find fun. they also have a big fucking double scythe. because i was gonna give somebody here a synth and rumi already had the battle axe.

—————

those are all the characters that i can remember so far, if im missing one ill do an update lol

THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT ITD BE HELP

again, feel free to ask any questions id love to answer them

#my ocs #oc stuff #tw death #tw illness #kinda #my lil guys #<3 #marlo’s stuff

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effectivelyweird · 2 years ago

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The NHS is hell (gynaecology edition)

Six weeks ago I had a pelvic prolapse of some sort. This caused varying levels of pain and discomfort. I havent been able to walk anywhere, or stand for more than a few minutes before experiencing pain. At the end of the worst days I have to push my insides back in.

I obviously went straight to my GP who was unable to examine me because it hurt too much to even get a finger in. At that point I basically didnt have a vagina, it was collapsed and squished, of course it was going to be tough to get a feel. GP referred me to gynaecology to get an ultrasound.

SIX WEEKS LATER I finally have an appointment. I get in (partner in tow for support) and am immediately asked:

Doctor: "Why are you here?"

Like??? Didnt you read the referral? MEe: "I've had a prolapse" Doctor: "How many children?" Me: "None" Doctor: Pauses and looks confused

Now, whilst it is far more common for people who've given birth to have a prolapse, it absolutely is not the only thing to cause one. I fall into basically every other risk category, it is NOT a surprise that this has happened.

Then I was asked to give my entire medical history and all the meds Im currently taking.

Like?????? WHY dont you already have that information???? I've waited six weeks in on and off agony, unable to leave the flat, holding out for this appointment, and now I have to spend the first half of it giving you information you should already have.

We move on to a physical examination. I explain that despite taking a pill to stop my periods, surprise! Im having a period. I have brought stuff to get me sorted and cleaned up (I use a cup, cant really be examined with that in) and explain Im happy to go get sorted so we can do this.

Doctor makes a rude comment like "If you'll let us examine you" like I didnt just make it clear I was happy to be examined. So now Im wondering wtf did that referral say? My GP hadnt been able to examine me because of intense pain when she tried, not because I didnt let her.

So I get myself sorted and lying on the examination bed. Im already very uncomfortable with being poked about down there for multiple reasons but I always suck it up because they're medical professionals and are here to help. For extra context, I have a skin disorder down there which means I tear very easily, things have narrowed or disappeared entirely, basically you have to handle me with care. I havent had sex in nearly six years due to discomfort both in and out.

Doc comes over, lubes up and dives straight in. If I hadnt just pulled my cup out of me, this in itself would have caused great pain. She then moves around wildly to get a good feel, hitting a tender spot and making me yelp.

"Oh, did that hurt?" she says, clearly surprised.

"Uh, yeah??" I say incredulously. Of course it fucking hurt. I have something out of place in that area and you just tried to scramble my eggs.

Doc abandons her examination and goes back to her computer. I am not given anything to wipe myself down with so Im left with a mass of lube and fluids for my pants to just deal with I guess.

I was then told I was being passed on to the womens hospital who will "make sure youre doing your kegel exercises properly" "I havent been given any kegel exercises though?"

Doctor looks surprised and slides a hand written note over to me. It has a website name for me to look up and learn from there.

Then it was over.

Without telling me ANY information about what was happening with my body. So did I have a prolapse? Did I not? Did she feel everything was fine? Did she feel something wrong?

I DONT KNOW

Im exactly as clueless as I was before I went in there, and now a little traumatised from the experience.

I waited six weeks, unable to live my life in that time, only to spend £20 I dont have to go to an appointment I didnt need. I was referred to get an ultrasound from gynaecology and instead I got an aggressive examination and then palmed off to the next clinic without a care in the world. I clearly stated when I went in that I am autistic and have ADHD but even if I wasnt I think I would have still been shook from her (lack of) bedside manners. I still dont know whats happening to my body. I still dont know what I should be doing, or not doing, to help this issue.

All I know is that I didnt get what I was referred for and now I cant pay my bills.

And I still have to stuff my insides back in on a bad day.

#nhs crisis #nhs #gynaecology #im so fucking tired of this shit #this is a widespread issue across the nhs

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captainaikus · 2 years ago

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I AM BACK!!!!!!! And idk if you saw the post I tagged you in explaining and apologizing tumblrs being wonky again because I didn’t see that bachisagi post you tagged me in on your main until I was scrolling through and catching up just now. I have been swamped with juggling school staring again, family, and that friend stuff I told you abt. And the only free time I’ve had is watching TR. I HAVENT EVEN WATCHED THE LATEST BLLK EPISODE YET AND I WANNA SOB BECAUSE ITS THE POST-BACHISAGI BREAKUP EP 😭😭😭. I’ve just had no energy at the end of the day and every time I think I finally have time to respond back to you something always comes up and I wanna tear my hair out. I PROMISE I HAVENT BEEN IGNORING YOU LOVE. But I understand if you’re upset at me and I’m sorry Belle.

I was furious like my blood was boiling when I saw your fic got flagged down. Like what is wrong with people??? Can you not just let other people be and keep your negativity to yourself??? Just because you’re falling doesn’t mean you have to drag others with you asshole. Seriously. You did not deserve that and being so angry and upset over it (with it happening AGAIN and it not even being the FIRST time unwarranted) is completely understandable, I’d be pissed too. I still am actually. It’s so frustrating working so hard on something and then getting pointless hate for it like get a life and stay away from me. 😤😤😒

On another note, I have been getting SO MUCH Tokyo Revengers content the past few days and that has been my only relief from this hectic week. Im being fed so well girl. New episodes every Saturday with my favorite arc being animated, the new character book, new official arts, AND SO MUCH MORE AFJHFFHJGHINH. Also I’m so sorry I missed your event 😭😭😭. You even extended it and I had so many asks saved too 🥲🥲. But I didn’t wanna just demand stuff without explaining where I’d been because I’m not an ass like that but every time I started drafting something for you (not for the event) I’d get interrupted 😒😒. *sighs heavily*

IVE BEEN READING YOUR EVENT ASKS CAUSE I JUST GOT OUT OF CLASS AND ASDFJJGFFHHGFKJ THEYRE ALL SO GOOD BELLE 😭😭. I love them all so freaking much (esp the Bachira ones 👀😌✨) and I’m sad I couldn’t participate but hopefully next time. BUT DONT WORRY IM ALREADY DRAFTING AN ASK FOR THE MATCHUP EVENT THERES NO WAY IM MISSING THAT 😤😤.

CONGRATULATIONS ON 1.9K BELLE IM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU LOVE!!!!! 🥹😭❤️ Your numbers keep climbing so fast and it’ll only be a matter of time before you hit 2k 😌😌. Also I’m so glad you’re getting support from new people too and how they’re all loving your works it’s so heartwarming to see and read and really a testament to how far you r come. Be proud of yourself because no matter how much hate you get you’re still continuing to do amazing love ❤️❤️❤️.

I really am sorry for going MIA for a bit there and I understand if you’re upset with me. How’ve you been irl btw?? Uni going well I hope? How’s gym? Has your break ended yet? Go on and vent if you need to love!! Update me on your life because I truly do want to know how’re you’re doing yknow?? Remember to take breaks and take care of yourself love!!! Eat something and drink a glass of water if you haven’t today!!! *sending all the virtual hugs because I missed you and I’m sorry*

p.s. no asks on the way soon 👀🫡

- ✨ anon

Starry!! Ofc I’m not upset with you! You’re usually very active on my blog, so I figured something must’ve come up cause you were away. I wanted to drop in your askbox; but I could find it so I decided to tag you in my posts instead to see if you’re doing alright and you’re doing well so I’m relieved <3

Tumblr has been acting wonky :/ - literally. I had to write to staff about my posts not showing up in the tags and all they did was delete it?

I figured since it was taking so long, I might as well just shift to ao3 and my work has been good so far - working on a yandere rin wip and I’m about 2k words in but since Uni and work keeps getting in the way, i can’t finish it as fast. But. Ik for the fact that this’ll be worth the wait cause. You’ll see 😏

As for my works getting flagged down, it is an inconvenience, but with every work that does get flagged down - people on the other side of the screen are just proving the fact that they can’t keep up with my writing or the fact that my content is well received and I get mostly healthy interactions. I was pretty angry with it, but then I just decided to take it to ao3 instead and I had been thinking about this for months. I take that this was a sign that I should do it and not leave it as a plan cause tumblr has turned toxic over a period of time, among authors and readers alike. So why not minimize the trouble for everyone go somewhere better? Ao3 had really good content;

More plot leaning and good story lines with occasional smut, and both sides are really chilled out. Plus another thing that disappoints me about tumblr is that smut sells really fast here and even Twitter links get more likes than actual writing. And after thinking over it for a while - I realized that my writings are more to do with things human along with lust than just purely writing about lust yk? So in short, my work isn’t meant for tumblr. And I’m not a very interactive author either - I don’t reblog much works and neither do I have any author I can personally recommend cause I stopped reading fanfics here about 2 years ago and I don’t even check the tags anymore since then, only to see if my work showed up or not. but anyway- i made my moveout official still gonna answer asks and host events here tho - and talk to anyone about stuff in general

now talking about tokyo rev, super happy about the new season coming out and honestly? this is the fastest i've seen them make it cause JJBA fans- ykw i'm talking about. Had to wait so long just for stone ocean part 2 to come out And i'm really looking forward to watching vinland saga (cause that's out and istg - canute is such a pretty boy, this is that one anime that made me cry cause Askeladd. nvm I don't wanna give spoilers) AND YES! you did make it to the matchup event !! (i got your ask) as for the character ask i had fun with it as well - Some of the highlight questions I liked; one of them was a question for Rin, asking if (y/n) was single? and istg the way i laughed cause the way he would have a look on his face after that, Bachira is a ray of sunshine to have - such a cutie (>///<) [take your time on working starry! There’s not rush! Ik how annoying it is to get interrupted when you’re writing something] And tysm for your kind words !! Seriously though I should be thanking you guys for giving me your support esp you starry - cause you were one of the first anons along with blue to actually make a convo on my blog and it kinda made other people wanna talk as well (҂ ꒦ິヮ꒦ິ) And no! I'm not upset with you! I knew something was maybe up cause you're never usually gone this long - And you can come to my blog anytime you want - to rant, ask for advice or just talk anything 'kay? ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა As for uni, its on full throttle - *sigh* so much work to do but I'm working on it a little everyday and getting things done as soon as possible. but the cold is making me so drowsy to function. I cut my hair shorter too, its an undercut with a pixie so now i look like a fem ver of corpse - And i re-watched some of my old animes - like i had the urge to watch devilman crybaby this week and i did. the only reason i watched that anime was cause of the clip i saw of Akira's... on the ceiling... (ikyk), rewatched death note - cause i wanted to see L and honestly L is THE emo king. (yeah i had a whole emo phase before turning into a dark academia/ classic aesthetic gal -) and alot of people are getting into tokyo ghoul - *finished the whole manga collection at the age of 14* As for gym... story time. I was busy lifting weights and this man. he is muscular sure, got bulging biceps and a lean body and yet. he had the audacity to chase me out of my corner in the gym and take it instead to lift his weights. He looked at me dead in the eye and gave me the meanest look possible. I couldn't take him seriously cause... he was shorter than me... *not size shaming i swear but when you look at me like that - i can't take you seriously* Me : I do not care if you're more macho than me, I will throw you across the gym, you tiny tiny man. And I just finished another whole bottle of water - hope you’re doing well starry! *sending hugs back*

#belle.☏#.moot🍦: ✨ anon

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candidcanvas12 · 1 month ago

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RANDOM QUESTIONS part 2

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? I am very much guilty of biting icecream lol ! I get annoyed with how long it takes to get done with it .

2. What is home to you? I think that home to me would have to be in the arms of the person that I feel safest with so right now home would have to be Justin . When I am in Justin's arms I feel safe and secure and loved and needed and so realistically that is home to me .

3. What was the last lie you told? The last lie that I told would probably have to be that I said I was okay and nothing was bothering me when in fact there is ALOT going on and I am not doing okay mentally . I am trying to get everything handled and be stable again but it is hard.

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? Absolutely it does not matter if the truth hurts them they deserve to be told the truth regardless of the outcome

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? Probably the toy Ferby I believe it came out in 1998 but that toy was Creepy ....

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. Probably when I was going through a bad breakup or a bad moment I tend to try and hurt people in anyway possible so that they can also feel the pain and hurt that I am also feeling .

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) 1. Never Say Never . 2. Never Giving up

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? I work hard to achive stuff probably every single day honestly I just want to make myself the best person and version of myself possible .

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? Quite a few actually , when I was in active addiction I would stay up all hours of the night and days at a time . Thankful that I dont have to be like that anymore because Recovery is possible

10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? Probably with words I would assume . Words are very Powerful

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? I think quite a few but I havent Been in LOVE with more than 2 people

12. What is your paradise? My paradise is my safe place with all my belongings and a safe place with my people .

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) I think the tv playing some Bobs burgers or even A campfire in the background

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? Probably a couple if I am being honest

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? I am not sure . I am a very big social media person but I also like to disconnect and try to be one with nature and take it all in

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? I think it is because we connect with them on a personal level and their content whether it be Music or Youtube videos or whatever we see it in a time that we need to and it shows us that there is somone out there who actually gets us and understands what we are going through . There are quite a few celebs I care about .

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? Probably Play me or lie to my face . Dont lie be upfront and honest with me . Everyone deserves the truth

18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? I am the type of person who is dramatic as FUCK I think it could be a good thing but I also think it could be a bad thing

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? I have I took Piano Lessons for about 4-5 years before I told my mom I hated it ( Low key I regret Quitting ) and I also tried playing the violin for about 6 months

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? I do but there are days where I dont. Just like everyone else I have good days and I have bad days I have days where I feel like a bad bitch and I have all the confidence in the world and than there are days where I am a hermit and I feel terrible about myself

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? I like my Chin and I like my smile and I also like my ability to love everyone

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? " Its okay to be a glowstick , sometimes we have to break in order to shine."

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? I do I was a mother for 3 years before my son was placed for adoption ( Thats a whole different story and I dont know maybe one day I will talk about it ) But being a parent is a HARD job .

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? I look at photos that make me happy and I look at videos and I talk to my support system and friends

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? Every single day bro

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? Both

27. What constitutes a good friend? Being there when times get tough and always allowing them to express their feelings

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? A mixture of both actually I think that having friends is a good thing !

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? That im lucky that life isnt hard because the truth is that it is hard every single person is going through their own battles and dealing with it differently we all have the same 24 hours you can either choose to make something of it or wallow in it .

30. What is your dream job? My dream job is to be a Caseworker . As someone who was adopted and also someone who has been in the system and had a child in the system my biggest pet peve was when someone would tell me " I understand what you are feeling \ going through ." and they had NO IDEA ... So I want to be that person to say " Hey I know that the first few nights in the group home is scary ." " I understand the emotions you are going through " ECT because I have been there and I have gone through them.

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? Both Take every opportunity and learn from it . Get out of your comfort zone and do something new never live in the " What if "

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? That everything happens for a reason life keeps going and so will you . through all the bad days and the good days your story is being written one day at a time .

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? what it is like to have a Penis ... stupid I know but like I already have had a Cooter so why cant I know what the other one is like ??

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? Probably the world that you visit when you read a book ... I love getting lost in that world

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. His Name was Haven ... I dont like to talk shit on people but honestly he was the worst ... Not only did he act as if the world revolved around him if the conversation was not about him he made it about him point blank . Someone ALWAYS had it out for him in his eyes and he was always the victim and when we would hang out with him he was rude and disrespectful and always had a argument in his back pocket .

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? I would probably enjoy that to much I would make a adventure out of it

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Burn that Mofo just saying

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? Theater . Period girl

39. Name the last book you read. Its been a moment since I have read a book but I got like 12 books yesterday and I plan on cracking open that bad boy and Reading my heart away

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? I dont think that would be a good thing I am the type of person where I like to talk about things and voice my opinion

41. When was the last time you made the first move? I dont know lol

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? Music is music and it touches the soul and mind and body . If that is your vibe than that is your vibe Express yourself

43. What was the last movie you watched? I watched Good Mouring by Mgk and it was pretty good I gave it a solid 10\10

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? I think in some aspects I do and other times I dont . I am like everyone else and I am just trying to find my place in the world and trying to figure out who I am and exactly where I belong

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? I do but like everyone else i dont some days . Learning to love yourself is a hard thing to do but very rewarding at the same time

46. When was the last time you cried? I cry every day honestly

47. What are you scared of? Theres alot of things that I am scared of like the usual.... Snakes , Spiders , Rollercosters , ect but I think the thing I am most Scared about is rejection

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? Probably Gotten arrested idk I have done alot

49. What are some of your hobbies? I like to read, and longboard , do arts and crafts and listen to music , Journal

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? Going to worst case senario in a matter of 2.5 seconds

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? I think that I am a good friend I try to listen and be there and try to let you know that your feelings and thoughts are important and very much valid

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? I think we all do . We go through things to learn from them and in hopes that we learn from it

53. What have you learned the hard way? That it is okay to not be okay

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? "Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you. –Ralph Harston"

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) All of the Above

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? Both

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? I left a toxic marriage and finally understood my worth

58. What is your ideal meal? Potatoes .... thats it . I love them

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? Not show up

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? I do ! Like every typical girl I like cows however I LOVE sharks .. they are so magical and beautiful

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? I dont even know Honestly

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? I do lol

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? Probably Music being on our Phones

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? I like Animal crossing lol and Skyrim and borerlands

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? I think its Fucked up ... Everyone is beautiful and deserves to be told so ... Beauty standers are so fucked up and I hate them

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? I am not If I could sleep forever I would

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? I do I really Love the Little Mermaid ... Alot of it was because the Special VHS would come out around my birthday and so I thought she had a connection with me but I also love Ariel Regardless of Ariel's few flaws, she is very much selfless, sweet-natured, and inspirational. However, her most notable trait was her deep love and fascination for humans, having desired to become human during the first film's events, even before meeting her future husband, Eric. I also I love Tangleds Rapunzel

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? Country side I love the outdoors and to see the stars at night without the city lights ?! get out of here that would b amazing

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? Both honestly that is a tough question

70. What are the best things about winter? Christmas Magic

71. What scares you most about the future? The thought of not being good enough or the thought of not being able to be a good mother for my next child because I feel as if I already let down my first one down

72. What makes you feel old? My back

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? To many Hours Lets be real TikTok has taken over my life

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? I have a list lol but a couple are : I want to read at least 50 books by the end of the year, Handle my mental and physical Health , I also want to finally have employment but also finally have a place of my own and be stable and have a healthy relationship with Justin

75. What is your life story in 6 words? Crazy , Chaotic, rewarding , up and down

76. Describe yourself in one word. Strong

77. What bad habits do you do? I have a couple . I down talk myself alot and I also bite my nails

78. What genre of music do you listen to? I listen to everything

79. Most prominent childhood memory? Probably when I was about 9-10 years old this was in 2000 we had just moved into our Brand new home and my mom was pregnant with my brother Chaz she had her water break and she was about 20 weeks along and she had to be Hospitalized so my dad was left with the task of unpacking the new house and doing all the daily tasks i.e. cooking\ getting us dressed and to school ect and there was 4 of us at the time and we had a unfinsihed backyard we were living in a Undeveloped neighborhood and so we were playing in the backyard one day and we covered ourselves in mud and let it harden and my Oldest brother Caylor told me and my sister Teddi that we better be careful because if we let the mud get hard we would turn us into mermaids ( dont get me wrong being a mermaid would of been cool as hell but I was not ready for that type of commitment at 9-10 years old ) and that freaked me out so I went through the basement and walked upstairs to my dad who was in his room covered head to toe in mud on the BRAND new white carpet and started crying lol my dad marched me downstairs and outside and had me strip and hosed us down and sent us in to play . I remeber how the hose hurt my bum lol

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? I do have a older brother I was adopted at 1 years old so he was an only child for like 4 years and than BAM I came into the picture and started messing up his cars and dinosaurs lol but having siblings is actually pretty cool

81. Spirit animal? My spirt animal would be a black tip shark

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? I do I want to learn more about that kind of stuff

83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? To get married and that it would be fun lol

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. 1. My mom 2. Justin 3. Kels

85. Favorite memory of your family. I have so many I couldnt possibly answer that question

86. What do you look for in a relationship? I look for someone who is Hardworking and loving and fearless someone who wont give up when things get tough and someone who will fight for us

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? I think that my dad is my role model

88. What is your opinion on social media? I think t is great to express yourself

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? I dont know

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? EVERYTHING BRO are we living in the same economy?

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? I have to many

92. What superpower would ruin the world? I have no idea

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? do drugs like my birth mom

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? I dont know tbh

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? I would go to Italy In a heartbeat if I could

96. How do you approach people? I am not a people person so yeah

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? They matter but I would rather meet you in person so I can see and feel the vibes

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? I still do alot of them we were children and things were so easy and we had our parents so we go back to familiarity and comfort because that is where we feel the most comfortable

99. What languages can you speak? I speak English However I am learning Italian

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? Hopefully better than what we have now tbh

101. What do you do on your lazy days? I sleep and do self care

102. What ended your last relationship? Distance for sure and drugs

103. Favorite food? Potates

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? I have had quite a few

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? Probably last Sunday I got in a argument with Justin

106. What was the last friendship you broke? The friendship with Nick his girlfriend was accusing me of having a thing for him and she saw me as a threat and I dont play like that

107. Do you have any pet peeves? Lying to my face and that Nosie you make when you put your elbows on a table and they make that crunch noise ... or grinding your teeth like no thats so bad

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? Justin

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? Every single day

110. What part of your personality do you want to change? I want to actually think things through and not jump to worst case

111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? Probably my Mom

112. What is your biggest motivation? My son I want him to see that even though I had a rough time I was able to get things figured out

113. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be a dental assistant like my dad cause he is a dentist

114. What are some things that you are good at? I am good at alot of things ... I am good at being a friend and a mother and a girlfriend I am good at figuring out a soultion

115. What is one thing you want to be good at? I just want to have my life together

116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? I am a yapper I like to talk

117. How important is privacy to you? I think it is very important to me

118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? That its okay to talk about your feelings

119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? I dont even know I have told lots of lies not something I am proud of but I have

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? I dont go to parties lol

121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? Be a lame

122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone? Probably been someone other than my true self

123. What is your morning routine? I dont have one but I am trying to make myself a morning person and have one

124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering? I put myself first

125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? A mixture of both probably

126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" Dont do it bro ... Be you be the true you

127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? Nobody likes when you sugar coat shit just say it be real

128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? No why would you hurt someone like that ?

129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? I am both

130. What do you admire most about your friends? Everything ... those stinkys are amazing

131. What do you admire most about your family? We are strong

132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" do what feels right and what makes you happy

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? I enjoy both

134. When is it time to end a friendship? When they are doing more damage than anything else

135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? I told someone that I didnt have a phone as it was in my hand ringing

136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? I love learning so all of them

137. What are your favorite baby names? Like every girl out there I have a list lol- Girls: Tatum , Oakley and Everleigh . and for the boys : Gannon , Taysen , Braysen , Bentley and Braylon

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? The otherday I had one with myself and my therapist

139. What instantly ruins a conversation? If you are not interested

140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. If you arent clean like if you cant pick up after yourself and complete simple tasks to keep bugs and pest out than GOODBYE and probably when you put in the effort and you show me that the relationship is worth it

141. Biggest disappointment. Having a high expiation

142. Do you have any self-restraint? yes

143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? Its been awhile

144. Prized possession(s)? My first copy of Starwars like the first edition of Starwars still in plastic

145. What is your opinion on second chances? I dont usually do them

146. Text or call? Call I love to talk on the phone I hate texting so much

147. What do you like about the 21st century? I dont know tbh

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? To keep hanging on It gets better and it will all make sense eventually

149. How organized are you? I am very Organized

150. Favorite mode of transportation. Flying

#questions #get to know me #random #likes and dislikes #opinion

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mypointerfinger · 5 months ago

Text

August 8, 2024, 12:00am

i think i’m nearing the end of my tenure.

i don’t mean to be a pessimist about everything, but it’s a hard ideology to escape. being raised by the internet is the worst thing to happen to me, and most likely will lead to me leaving. my parents marriage has been strained since before i have memories. so many bad times marking me from my childhood and teen years. what sort of life is spent wondering “what if?” for the better part of your days.

i’m still miserable, i still work at the job i hate. every drive has been a nightmare, not for traffic but for being alone with myself. i’m torturing myself. my thoughts are becoming slower and more focused, but on death and how worthless i am. my 23rd birthday passed a week ago, and i saw a tweet a few days after it, something like “always talking about getting your life together, bro you’re 22 it’s too late.” stuff like that sticks with me. we both know it’s a joke, you and i, but many jokes come from half truths. my brain compartmentalizes everything negative at the absolute forefront of every instance, and that little stupid post has bothered me for almost a week.

i didn’t feel loved growing up. i felt like i was fucking everything up, but never had anyone to look to for help. my parents chastised my mistakes but didn’t offer help in how i could do better next time. i would just be catching insults and having to figure it out myself. (i havent figured anything out.) i remember plenty of times trying to hide from them and the abuse, and while i’m thankful it was never physical, mentally i am scarred 100%. almost exactly 8 years ago, i was sitting in the closet behind me as i write this. my dog just died, and i had nobody to look to for comfort in the house. my mom was having a breakdown in the living room and my dad had just gotten home to join in. i was shaking and crying and remember how badly i wished Hussar was there with me. it’s a weird thing to deal with these things, always bringing the severity down when it really fucked my life up, you know? i didn’t develop any real skills as a kid, i begged my parents to let me quit everything they signed me up for, i didn’t have friends in person and didn’t know how to make them. i feel hopeless socially. i am terrified of people. moreso fearful i’ll like weird in front of them, or that i’ll be too over the top in the moment and push people away. me emotional maturity is nonexistent and wish that i was capable of working on it, i just have no clue where to begin. it’s like trying to learn a language without hearing or reading it, no foundation and no concept of what to even aim for.

truth be told i rambled the last half of that paragraph to avoid talking about the real shit: i thought about writing a note tonight. i’m starting to feel irredeemably hopeless, i lost the small amount of hope i had left that i honestly didn’t know was there. for people not in my shoes, it’s difficult to portray the feeling of just wishing to not be here. i don’t wanna experience death, i don’t wanna give up, but at some point the mental anguish i’m experiencing is piling up and overflowing. i wish i treated my mother better. it’s a funny thing being so conflicted about the person who’s supposed to be your world. like, “oh how can you wish to be kinder to someone who abused you?” the old saying—hurt people hurt people—is appropriate. my mother grew up with abusive parents herself, they were drinkers. on top of the abuse, i don’t remember if i mentioned it or not, but she’s very lonely, almost in a similar spot to me. we both are in constant solitary confinement. my dad seems unfazed but he’s a military man, and of us 3 he gets the most social interaction. i’m starting to tangent again, but the point being.. i have a lot of things i haven’t forgiven myself for yet. some days i feel like i’m intrinsically supposed to be evil, maybe i should be selling fentanyl or murdering innocent people for the thrill so good people have a job to do. maybe my purpose is to be the villain. as insane and illogical as that sounds, it’s a true side of my thoughts that i wish i didn’t have. the more logical side says that’s a stupid fucking plan.

i have a couple social gatherings coming up, i’m gonna see some friends from grade school and their friends from high school. i’ve only met two of them in person before and i’m horrified to meet the others. i don’t wanna be weird. we play games online and i’m still letting me frustration out on there. almost every night, i get off the computer feeling like a coward and a freak. at the bare minimum, my passtimes should be fun, but even simple things like video games are just.. i take them so seriously that i get blinded by rage. i punched my desk so hard earlier i gashed my fist open. i said a bunch of horrible shit like every other day, and not even because i really want that for someone else. i’d never genuinely wish for someone’s death. but i still say horrible shit that just is so fucking embarrassing. it’s exhausting, i feel like 2 completely different people some days. like, how can i go from a perfectly fine experience on Tuesday, having a good time, performed well, didn’t say anything crazy, to tonight. tonight, where i blew up and said i wished some random person hung himself in his closet. it’s funny to reread some of this stuff because i can’t even believe that it bothers me so much to the point i say such vulgar stuff. i think i brought my parents up because it’s a partial problem from how i was raised. you reflect who your parents are to an extent and my dad has always been prone to anger, my mom is severely mentally unstable. what a culmination! right?

for my last spew of bullshit.. (and no, i’m not gonna do anything to myself tonight)

i feel like my mind never slows down. the internet really has brought my mind to a place of dopamine dependency. TikTok, YT Shorts, top 5-10 lists, fast flashy advertisements. just EVERYTHING all feels like it’s limiting my attention span, and in turn, makes my brain crave for that next hit. the problem i got with that is how i don’t get a hit anymore from ANYTHING. the combo of my mental state and the fast pace that my thoughts are running at causes me to perpetually be negative to myself. i have days i can’t even look in the mirror because the voice in my head is gonna just start commenting on every slight imperfection. there’s no literal voice in my head, moreso it’s a dialogue between me and myself. the sheer impulse and violence that vibes from my brain needing dopamine is ruining my life, and as of now i have no power to control it. i need a mentor, maybe electroshock therapy or whatever my doc said. since sort of meth treatment or something where they give you tranquilizer and it alters your brain chemistry.

disjointed post but i don’t care, documenting my thoughts is what matters more than anything to me right now. this is probably great for the attention span thing. i’m never beating the loser allegations

love j

#blog

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anothersuicidesunday · 10 months ago

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Another week, another lonely struggle.

And we know i've found the whole experience so far to be extremely depressing in the lonliness of ways.

Where to begin...?

So week 26, 14 to go. I still have alot to do alot to be scared of.

Part One - Opinions Wont Keep You Warm At Night

I obviously have some female trauma as previously mentioned. So while for years I always knew if I had a baby boy he'd be named "Oliver Jensen" now my compromise when you add a father into the scenario became "Oliver Joseph" and that was okay but girls names I only ever considered Max. It wasnt a girls name and it didnt remind me of anything bad. It's what I could live with. Now this came up for discussion and I still hated everything so Max become Maxie because I do not like Maxine as a name and again Maxie I can live with. Middle names where a struggle i was even going to leave it blank but I decided fuck public opinion my guy is Gary Payton II and she can be "Maxie Payton" so thats the name. And I'm already sick of the court of public opinions on the subject.

My aunt made a maxi pad joke immediately.

My partners grandmother turnt her nose up and asked what the other opinions are as if it was going up for vote. Didnt like being told there were no other options.

My own grandmother true to form first got upset that my mother did a gender reveal in a family group chat. Then called the baby Maxine anyway and got pissed off when my mother corrected her and went on a tangent how we all name our children names we never intend to use and then couldnt accept that "maxine" is not going to be used at all, the birth certificate will say Maxie and be her legal name. And this was just another of her arguments for arguments sake cos at Christmas when she tried to look great in front of her friends she decided to announce she'd already brought soaps. And I said "thanks but I wish you'd have asked me because we've decided we would use a certain type of soap and lotion considering the skin conditions that run in the families." Which turnt into her losing her marbles about being ridiculous to wish that on your child (i certainly dont wish for it but i'd rather spend an extra few bucks on safe options than deal with an uncomfortable baby if they do happen to have sensitive skin.) And that my generation is ungrateful. So shes not speaking to me at all.

Which brings us to Part Two - the UNgrateful dead.

I'm definately grateful that people want to buy so much stuff for us. But sometimes it feels like you dont get to pick anything your child is going to have. Like people buy so much clothes that you feel like you cant buy anything that you like cos you have so many already or someone brought a baby bouncer that you feel like you now had to use even though you'd seen one you would have preferred. Or like my grandmothers argument over soap and feeling like you cant even have an opinion on goddamn soap! Its so overwhelming. Sometimes you really just want to say no thanks and get what you actually like but social convention bullies you into taking things and smiling through it. I get it you're excited but I used to be too before you all crushed my spirit.

Part Three: Give Me Novocaine

There's no 'one size fits all option' for pregnancy. But everyone still wants to tell you to do as they did and you'll be fine. It very clearly does not work that way and quite honestly my body and pregnancy just don't seem to gel. I've been sick since week 6. Its week 26 and I sometimes am still running off to vomit. So you get all the people who tell you what you should be doing instead as if you havent googled it yourself and tried the whole damn list. Some people just have to suffer through. There's no magic trick for them to fix it. Its absolutely okay to just say sorry it sucks for you without trying to demand your trick is the greatest trick of all tricks. I get alot of pains. Leg pains, back pains, hip pains, vaginal pains, ive never carried this much weight before pains. Again, i'm trying things to feel better, i walk around, do weird stretches, compression aids but you still have people who wanna tell you you're wrong and they are right and it grinds my fucking gears. Here's reality, if I walk around too much i get exhausted and sore, if I sit too much? Exhausted and sore. If i stretch something hurts. There's no winning in this game and I cry alot when I'm alone.

So the sickness thing improved, I've still never had a craving, i still dont have a good relationship with food all I know is that this baby in fact hates things.

Bread thats not white, bread crust, salad, cheesymite scrolls, anything deep fried.

Honestly quite alot of the things i normally would eat, plus the things doctors tell you not to eat. Its hard for me to eat these days and i have no passion for it now. So to face the high possibility to have gestational diabetes was crushingly devastating. To take even more food choices away from me is fucking hard.

So i'm completely alone again to feel defeated. No one gets it again. You just quietly go through the motions and it's hard fucking work. You're not supposed to sit in your scrappy nursery crying by yourself.

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loudlyunladylike · 1 year ago

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hii loudly :] we havent spoken in AGES :( so much stuff has happened ermm im in my last year of high school now???? thats crazy??? and uhh i got some stories published in an anthology series!!! i think you should tell me what you're most proud of from 2023 i think that would be so nice :] i hope youre having a fantastic day and i hope your 2024 is amazing!!! -ghost anon <3

oh my goddd!!!! the whole gang is getting back together hihihi!!!!! <333 also OH MY GOD??? I'M SO PROUD OF YOU THAT IS SICK!!!! LIKE SICK AS FUCK!!!! good job that is so epic, and good luck on your last year of high school, you're gonna kill it <3

I don't really do new years resolutions but last year I told myself that I wanted to start saying yes to more things cause I find people where like inviting me to stuff and I would just default to no before I could even think about it. So I'm really proud of myself for getting out there and doing more things, I've met so many really cool people this last year because of it and did new things, even things by myself. I feel like every year these last few years I have felt more and more happy and like myself and that makes me smile :))

I also got back into baking which I'm really happy about, honestly very proud of some of those bakes aha <3

Other people be free to pop in and tell me what your most proud of in 2023, like that's such a cute question!!!

#ask box #ghost anon

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mbat · 1 year ago

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no im thinking about pregnancy again, as in, how awful i think it is and how people act about it

i guess i have to start with hey! this is just my opinion! if you feel different, hell yeah! im not shit talking you or telling you to feel different! this is literally just me talking about my personal feelings on pregnancy and i dont expect anyone to actually read it and i dont really care if anyone does

anyway i hate how people act like pregnancy is one size fits all. i hate how people act like if you have a vagina and a uterus and whatever that you HAVE to get pregnant one day, that youre going to want to get pregnant eventually even if you very much dont right now. hell, that if youre a "woman" at all, they think youre going to want to be a mother in general.

it really does just go hand in hand with gender role bullshit and how people think that you HAVE to be and do and love whatever youre born with and if you step outside of that that youre the weirdo and youre the one in the wrong, and not that theyre the weird ones for trying to force this stuff on you.

pregnancy, like anything, is for the individual to decide. but god forbid you decide it isnt for you.

pregnancy to me is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. im terrified of it, im disgusted by it, it sounds straight out of a horror movie to me, ive been around it twice irl and it... it just doesnt feel natural to me even though its apparently one of the most natural things we can do as humans. its like looking at the uncanny valley and being told nothing is wrong but theres that pull at the back of your mind telling you to look away, something is wrong, something is so very wrong.

i had a dream many months ago that i got pregnant, and i was near the end of the pregnancy, i had somehow missed the window to get an abortion. i was in a living room surrounded by people, they were all so happy for me. i remember looking down at my stomach and feeling the worst dread. i was too late to stop it, to prevent it, to end it. my options were very few, and all of them were horrible to me.

and of course i havent even mentioned children. i dont want kids! again, its not one size fits all, its the individuals choice! i dont think id be a good father, and i dont want to be one anyway, i want my freedom, my time, my money, my life! why would i want to bring a child into this fucked up world anyway, just to fuck them up more because i really wouldnt be a good parent.

i dont even want to think about the actual birth part. endless hours of pain and disgusting things happening and emotions and... i could never. i could never i could never i NEVER will. i hate disgusting things happening and i hate pain

all of pregnancy is gross though. you are out of control of your own body. its like a parasite to me. something that isnt you is inside of you, and its changing your body and controlling it whether it even means to or not, and you cant just take it out, and its growing and

thats not even mentioning that you can feel it moving around. what. the. fuck.

i hate that people expect this of me. hell, not even just expect, but want this of me. my dad clings to the idea that one day ill give up all my 'i dont want kids' talk and finally be "normal" and want kids and whatever, because hey he wants grandkids :(. you have grandkids!!!! you have 3!!! its not my fault that only one of them is biologically related to you, maybe you should get over your weird attachment to things being biological and just learn to love regardless! i love my nephews and niece, theyre amazing and i love seeing them! i dont hate kids, by the way! i just dont want them for myself!

but honestly the whole reason i even thought about any of this is because, well tmi i guess, i think im starting a period and i just get so distressed about it. i hate that my body does this, i hate that its something i cant control and its disgusting and horrible. i just wish i could take my reproductive system out of me. and so i was like, i wish i could just pay a doctor to get it out of me! but then i remembered that theyd never do that because theyd be like OH BUT WHAT IF YOU MARRY A MAN AND HE WANTS KIDS. YOU NEED TO HAVE AT LEAST 2 KIDS BEFORE WE EVEN CONSIDER IT. and how if someone said that to me i dont think id be able to hold back from telling them that if i ever got pregnant and couldnt get rid of it that i would seriously consider offing myself. if i ever changed my mind about having kids (why would i) i would just adopt anyway.

i hate that my body is expected to belong to someone else, that my choices and my wants dont matter and im just a silly little girl and what i want will change anyway. im a person. im a full on person, and this is my body. i havent even mentioned how being trans factors into this because what more is there to say than 'im a man and that affects how i feel about this thing that people see as feminine'? or my pcos, which i have even less to say about because like, what is there to say ??

i hate that people dont care what i have to say about my own body, and my own future. i hate that my dad wants me to change how i feel about who i am and what i want, i hate that people i dont know that i havent even met expect me to do this thing that changes everything. i hate that people care more about hypothetical people than me. i hate that people think they know better than me about my own body and wants.

i never want to get pregnant. i never want to have kids. that is my choice as an individual, just like its someone elses choice to get pregnant and have kids. theres already enough people doing that in the world, there wont exactly be a shortage because i decide not to. its not my fault that other people see my choice as abnormal and the other as normal, that sounds like a them problem.

#personal #ignore me #my post #long post #seriously its gonna be long i have so many thoughts about this #and yes i know the word tokophobia #not everything works for everyone! and thats okay! fuck!

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