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lavendertowerarchives · 5 months ago

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I will always find something to stress about. Summer is the chillest part of the year, and I'm still worried about too much shit.

I haven't beaten terraria, it's getting on my nerves and making me aggravated with it's sheer difficulty (I'm playing master mode plus I'm just bad).

I haven't written enough of my latest literary fling. I can churn out twenty full pages in a single day, five on a worse day. Why can't I just write when I want to? Why do I have this massive mental block that lets me imagine and write the story in my head, but never through a keyboard?

I've eaten very little. I mean like less than I should, and I've eaten waaay less than I normally do. Today's breakfast was a burrito. Today's dinner was a single tortilla. That's it. I have paralysis when it comes to making food. I really don't want to get up and start a whole new project just to keep my stomach from wrenching itself every two minutes.

I haven't talked to AH all summer. I haven't talked to S all summer. I haven't talked to E all summer. I havent 100% isolated myself but I still need more contact. My parter is nice to be around, AK is nerdy as hell and fun to play games with, PP is lovely to talk to no matter the subject. I just need more. I'm too scared to hit people up so late in the summer. I didn't even wish JC a happy birthday because it had been so long since he talked to me, and he will likely never see me nor seattle ever again.

I intended to do a personal project with JH (her idea, not mine) but there's been barely any contact. I want to ask if we're still on but summer is halfway over. I might've waited too long. For this issue, I just haven't been doing well, and want to bring her a version of me that can code. I haven't written c++ in months.

I haven't watched Inuyasha, Ranma (new series woo), half of GDQ, and most of the stuff in my queue. I just need to devote my entire attention to them, and my attention is always split. Focusing on anime\youtube means not finishing kirby, proxying decks, reading manga...

I still gotta schedule my trip to see my brother, or else not go at all. Fuckin hell. Plane tickets are gonna be awful.

I can't stop focusing on finishing things. I see the halfway mark on some project and see it as nothing at all. I'm halfway through a kirby game (got stuck on boss four), and I feel no pride, no accomplishment, nothing but disappointment for the lack of visible progress. This view is applied to literally everything I do.

What happened to me enjoying things in the moment? Why can't I feel happy unless there's a little box to be ticked off? Why do I feel relief and exhaustion and not satisfaction when a thingy is done? Fuck if I know.

I'm too goal-oriented. I can't do something without fixating on whether it's done or not. The reason I care so much if it's done is it's another thing I have to come back to. I don't want to come back to anything, I want to explore it when it makes me happy and never think about it again.

For every unfinished task, I have to remember it exists. I have three writing projects that I can never let leave my mind, or else risk my fourth project overwriting my memories. One's fifty pages, one's twleve pages, and the other is fourteen. I hate that I measure them in pages. The number should mean nothing at all. It only matters whether I'll ever come back to them.

The only task I'm comfortable with not ever completing is conversing with someone. I will always want more, and sometimes I'll even get my shit together and grab it. That's one of the few things I can do just to do it. I am incapable of interacting with something if there isn't a way to prove I did it.

"What did you do over the summer, Lavender?"

I did half of many things. I have nothing to show for my efforts. Absolutely nothing. No pride, no satisfaction, not even rest.

#oh and im starving again #idgaf #im not fixing that #until tomorrow #idk if i have an actual problem yet or if my executive dysfunction is really that destructive

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magniloquent-raven · 3 years ago

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Fic Writer Questions

i was tagged by @cherry-toxic and @gideongrace ty both 💕🥰💕

How many works do you have on AO3?

which is a relatively small number but sometimes im still like, holy shit i finished 15 whole fics lmao

What's your total AO3 word count?

68,299 (time to post a 701 word fic and then never post again i guess)

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

well this is about to get mildly embarrassing lmfao. ive only got harry potter & stranger things fics on my ao3 and tumblr but if you want a full list, as a teenager i posted a shitty borderlands self-insert fic on quizilla, and hiccup/jack frost fic on ff.net.

and if u count fics that never got finished or published anywhere i dabbled in teen wolf, supernatural, dragon age, star wars, left 4 dead 2, skyrim, good omens, the mcu, buffy, wynonna earp, plus like, general disney/dreamworks crossover fic. and i started writing shameless fics recently, we'll see if i actually finish any. aaaand...i think that's it?

so...15?

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Wait for you, Burn for You

2. Find Our Way

3. Something to Hold

4. Room for One More Troubled Soul

5. Don't Know What I'm Gonna Do (About This Feeling Inside)

all harringrove fics except #4, which is probably only on the list because it's been on ao3 the longest lol

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

oh god, i used to. i did when i was starting out, but then i just. i get self-conscious about what to actually say & leave shit to sit for too long. and suddenly ive got like 100 comments i havent replied to and i want to respond to them so bad but ive left them so long i feel weird about it now and it's a problem 😥

i want to start responding to them again, and every time i get a new one i tell myself im gonna but i never do cuz im fuckin awkward lmao

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

i......don't really do angsty endings. like, most of my fics end with smooches and/or love confessions lmao, i don't like leaving things off sad, even if it starts depressing as hell.

maybe this one? it still ends soft but without resolving the thing billy was angsting about, so.

Do you write crossovers? If so what's the craziest one you've ever written?

hahahhha.............i don't really do them anymore, but i already said i was into the whole animation movie crossover thing, so. yeah, i did lol. it was when i was in high school so of course i did one that was like, every disney character ever and they're going to school together. which really isn't that crazy a concept, but it was a lot of movies to write in so maybe that counts

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

nahh, not rly. i don't get around enough to attract anti attention lol, tho i did get one of those "👎" comments when someone was going around doing that, which lbr, is so low effort it barely counts 😂

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

yea sometimes. i do get the occasional horny idea lmao. mostly "what if touch-starved character + tenderness" or someone having lots of feelings while they're fucking. someone is usually billy lbr. i've also got a couple "what if someone got tied up and treated right" ideas but i don't think i've actually published any of those lmao

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

don't think so?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

i have not

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yea, kinda! a collab with a friend of mine for fun

What's your all time favourite ship?

i...don't know? i get emotionally invested in characters more than the relationships themselves lol. i don't even know what ship i've been invested in for a long time, most of the shit i shipped as a kid i don't give a fuck about anymore lol.

except fuffy, actually. i've always shipped buffy/faith

and if we wanna go with fandom i've actively stuck with the longest it'd be harringrove. cuz ive been here and writing shit for yall for over a year now when i usually would've cycled thru a couple fixations by now lol

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

that's a mean question lmao how dare you. i honestly don't know, i have a lot of wips and i want to finish all of them. i know i won't but there isn't one specifically that seems less likely than the others so idk

What are your writing strengths?

uhhhhh.....i mean i've been told that my characterization is good? like, ppl being able to picture the actual characters when they're reading n stuff, so that's nice. and i could write introspection forever, u don't even know man, i get in the zone. i love getting in a character's head and picking apart their emotional state

What are your writing weaknesses?

writing dialogue really trips me up because i get picky about word choice lmao. i can be writing uninterrupted for twenty minutes cuz it's all a character's inner monologue but the second they gotta speak out loud im sittin there like ok what words sound natural and how much would they be willing to say etc. etc. suddenly it's an hour later and i've written three lines of dialogue. plus i tend to edit as i go so i'm always stopping and going back and rewriting stuff instead of just finishing the damn story

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

no thoughts head empty

lmao for real tho idk? i mean there's that one trope, when someone says nice stuff in a language the other person doesn't speak because they're pining and not sure if they're allowed to say it outright, that shit's cute. im sure all the google translated dialogue has been annoyin as shit for native speakers lmfao but yeah

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

probably harry potter but i literally have no idea. i started writing fic in my early teens and that time of my life is a big fuckin blur lmao

What's your favourite fic you've written?

ngl i think my fav fic is one of the multi-chapter wips i haven't published lmao

BUT. if i gotta pick something yall have read, this one. just a lil guy. plant dad billy and domesticity. it's cute and i like it. maybe also this fic that i wrote for valentine's day. i wrote basically the whole thing in one day and i was really proud of myself lmao, and i just really like headcanoning backstory for billy & that fic is rly just about him growing up, so

tagging @rvspberryjvm @wingedbears @paperbodiesamongthestars @platypan

if yall wanna! 💕

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jetblacknewyear · 3 years ago

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Me & my house mate have taken the obscure notion to be watching all the pokemon movies this past week .... i think we r aiming to watch them all. Tho i myself have only watched up until the end of gen 4 and that absolute garbage cg remake of the first one. Anyway some thoughts-

Nostalgia is an absolute farce & sometimes 4 kids over saturate the pokemon voices way 2 much and the meme of me enjoying childhood hyper fixation absolutely fizzles out for a second into i feel like a parent watching this or someone who has never seen pokemon in my life and is just like . What . Which is very not tru bc like i love pokemon lmao. but mayb its the curse of capitalism and knowing the shallow plots r built just to sell a product makes this like tumultuously evident?

I cant believe they actually went and tried 2 do their own ghibli movie w the 4th movie. And im high key accosted w the cg, it had actually some of the prettiest cinematography in these movies and decided to wipe its entire ass with its own shit.

Also idk if they still do this but . I never realised how much they love implementing god awful cg into theze movies. Like its BAD. not even redeemably good and makes transitions between scenes all the more harrowing. I understand its y2k its all about using sweet revolutionary tech. But I feel like if yr not pixar in 2004 and you dont have their fat wallet. Its fucking pointless. Nyway nothing has aged well at all.

Like all the hoenn movies r tortuously slow & badly plotted except the lucario movie is genuinely charming especially if you were angsty as all hell in 2008 and love watching wolf with psychic powers mourn his bf for an hour & a half. Also medieval pkmn half hour I guess

The villains r actually quite interesting in these movies! And kind of makes me wish pokemon anime itself was more narrative wise strong? Some of the characters ie the girl jewel thieves in the 5th movie fucking rule. Would hav bin cooler to tie in these movies w anime plot or something better....

I feel like also w the movies nintendo r just like . We gottaaaa uhhh promo this new fucking cat thing can youuu like uhhhh. Do something . And tv tokyo just has to take it at face value and be like . Yeah. Bc I genuinely dunno if anything ab the anime has anything faithful 2 the games.

Anyway in terms of banger plots. The og 3 r yr standard good tho i think the second is eugh whatever lmao. But anyway The 9th one fucks so hard? Darkhorse of the movies imo but its been like the most consistent plot wise? And just really fun!like atlantis......

Also sad pkmn ranger got its ass handed to it bc it was a sick concept?

I wish the 5th one had a better plot but i think I really like these movies when it’s the animators like hehehe we are in pokemon venice doing silly things. First half of it is gr8. Bc the minute it hits legendary pokemon garble plot im like aughhhhhhhhh shut the fuck up go back to the gif of vaporeon drinking water from an out door tap.

I will come back 2 this when we start watching the movies i havent seen lmao. We r 2 start gen 4 next and i cant remember if any of those movies r descent bc they’re all super unmemorable.

This has bin fun so far. Obviously im just typing my gripes & the demographics for these movies r not for me. but still interesting to rewatch after like 12ish years ?

#i still play the games tho !! i need 2 get my team into my shield lmao

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sporesgalaxy · 6 years ago

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You know what? Fuck it. Here's the whole ass WIP script for the Danny Phantom/Ben 10/Deadpool crossover nightmare, which is called #follow ur crossover dreams, by the way. I think copy-pasting on my phone is gonna delete some italics but whatever.

Reminder that it's still a really early draft with a lot I plan on changing (wade Motormouth wilson doesnt say nearly enough bullshit, for starters), but hopefully u will enjoy it. happy birthday to me, my gift is letting myself share ideas without maximum effort

[BEN is running through a crowd of high school students, excitedly. He is on his phone] BEN: C'mon, Gwen, just tell me where to go! I wanna fight some bad guys today! It's been weeks! [GWEN is on a computer] GWEN: Ben, for the last time, you are NOT going into this alone! We aren't even sure what's causing this yet! Seismic activity at this scale is totally unheard of around here, and whatever's causing it-- BEN: Is gonna get it's butt whooped by the one and only Benn Tennyson! BEN: Don't worry, I can totally handle this! GWEN: Yeah, cause things always work out perfectly when you say that. BEN: Just give me the location, and you can catch up with me there! GWEN: No, Ben. I'll fill you in when we know more, but.until then, don't run off. [BEN is dejectedy watching TV at home, when suddenly, there is another earthquake. Soon after, a newswoman reveals the epicenter just outside of town, and Ben gets an idea] [BEN gets off a public bus at a bus stop far outside of town. He looks out into a dry hilly wilderness, and down to his phone gps to confirm he is going in the right direction.] BEN: all right...I didn't wanna risk timing out before I got there, but I think I'm close enough now... [BEN places his phone gps at his feet, closes his eyes, and slaps the Omnitrix] [BEN transforms into Stinkfly] BEN: Well, I was hoping for XLR8, but I guess I can work with this? [BEN picks up his phonr and flies off] [when he reaches the epicenter BEN finds, embedded into a large hill, an abandoned lab of some sort.] BEN: ooOh [BEN enters the lab, and shortly times out, becoming human again. He sort of tries to sneak, but is clearly too excited/curious to be very effective] [The lab is full of rusting, inscruitable equiptment. Finally, Ben enters a natural cave turned testing area deep inside the lab, a cavernous room machinery littering the floor. There seems to be a fixation on machinery that we would recognize as Danny's parents' portal, but not embedded into a wall, so like a door attatched to a tube. Spare parts and dissasembled prototypes rest along the edges of the room, and a few assembled peices rest towards one end.] [Ben stands on the far south end of the cave, looking around at all of the strange wiring and such.] BEN: I wonder if this is Plumber tech... [BEN kicks a bundle of cords on the floor, and the sound echoes through the room.] [Then, a stranger sound eminates from somewhere just outside of the cavern. And another, similar, closer sound is accompanied by a visible flash. And then-- in a green streak, DANNY bursts into the air in the cavernous space, and then hits the floor and skids. When he stops, he turns human as he falls unconscious] [BEN has no fucking idea what is going on] BEN: uh...h...HEY. ARE YOU...OKAY? DANNY: ... BEN: HELLO? HELO-O? DP: ya think he's dead? BEN: AUGH!!!! [BEN jumps violently, very surprised by Deadpool's presence, and takes a step back] BEN: Who the heck are you?! DP: Call me Deadpool! [BEN gives him a look of utter disbelief. That is the stupidest superhero name he's ever heard. He's about to say that, but then,] DANNY: [groans] DP: [hops down. Puts a hand out, signalling for Ben to stay] Stay here, kid. [Ben is offended to be belittled even if it's reasonable. He stands with an angry look on his face for a moment before following just a few steps behind deadpool, hand at the ready above his watch.] [DP veeery cautiosly walks over to Danny and then....abruptly switches gears, standing up straight and gently bumping the boy's shoulder with his foot] DP: hey. hey. get up. DANNY: five more minutess.... DP: ...7Your mom made pancakes? [DANNY's eyebrows furrow. He groans again. He props himself up, and rubs his head. He's covered in dirt and some blood. He opens his eyes and his expression is full of exhaustion and dread as he processes his unfamiliar surroundings. He looks up at Deadpool] DANNY: ...........I don't smell any pancakes. [DEADPOOL and DANNY stare at eachother for a moment. DANNY seems to be waiting for something. He suddenly looks at BEN, incredulous] DANNY: So are either of you going to attack me, or are we having a staring contest? BEN: I dunno, are YOU going to attack? [DANNY is so tired. He's had a long day] DANNY: I'd prefer not to, but it tends to happen a lot. DP: Well that's depressing! BEN: Well if none of us are fighting, I have a question. BEN: Where'd you two come from? DANNY: Ghost portal. DP: Time travel. BEN: ... BEN: You're not giving me much to work with, here. [BEN points to DANNY] BEN: Especially you. I get time travel, I can live with that-- DP: Thank god. BEN: --But, "ghost portal?" Like a portal for ghosts? Are you dead?? [DP slowly prods Danny with his foot again. Danny is too busy suddenly realizing that he's in human form to be concerned with that] DANNY: I--uh-- BEN: Was that what was up with the green energy? DANNY: Maybe I just went through the ghost portal, ok? I--where are we? BEN: Somewhere on the outskirts of Bellwood, Nevada. DANNY: Nevada? BEN: Nevada DANNY: Huh. DANNY: And why are you here? BEN: [excited to sound smart] There was some unnatural seismic activity around here, and I came to check it out, see if it was anything nefarious. BEN: [cocky] You know, usual superhero stuff. [Danny is a little shocked. He's never really met another superhero before, who wasn't a clone, or accusing Danny of being evil or something] DANNY: oh. BEN: What? DANNY: You're...you're really a superhero? DP: You're like 12 is that safe? [What is the deal with all these young superheroes but say it funnier] BEN: I'm 16!!! DP: Children trying to be superheroes never works out well, trust me kid. BEN: I'm not a child!! Why do you care, huh? DP: Cause I hang out with a lot of superheroes and the heroism business has never done anyone's mental health ANY favors. [DANNY puts his hed in his hands] DANNY: Ugh, tell me about it. BEN: Ha! You AREN'T a normal kid! DANNY: oops. BEN: What can you do?? Do you have GHOST POWERS? [DANNY bites his lip] DANNY: What about you? Do you have powers? BEN: I can turn into any of hundreds of aliens! DANNY: ...care to show me? [BEN looks at the Omnitrix. It's still timed out] BEN: ...in theory... [Danny raises an eyebrow] [meanwhile, Deadpool loses interest. He starts climbing on stuff, looking at the scattered tech.] BEN: Uhhh...can it wait a minute? I just flew here. DANNY: What?? BEN: [gestures to watch, grinning sheepishly] Alien tech! BEN: I swear I'll show you later. What about you! Show me yours! [Deadpool arches an eyebrow at them in the distance] DANNY: ...I guess, since you already guessed it... BEN: What are you so worried about? Ha, haven't you ever met another superhero before? [Ben was sort of kidding, but...] DANNY: BEN: DANNY: Uh, no. Not really. BEN: ...So do you fight bad guys all on your own? DANNY: Uh, yeah? I'm kinda the only person who can. [Reconsiders, and adds with bitterness] Well, the only one who can and will. [Ben thinks about that for a second. He knows how it feels to think you're the only person who can save the world, but Ben is usually wrong when he assumes that's the case. He doesn't like imagining how he'd feel without all the support he's gotten in his hero-ing career. He's genuinely concerned for Danny.] [Danny notices the concern in Ben's expression. Ben seems to be about to say something, but Danny suddenly feels insecure about being pitied. He finally stands up, brushing himself off] DANNY: But like, I have friends, and plenty of tech they can use to help me out. I'm just the only...I guess I'm the only superpowered person willing to deal with fighting ghosts all the time, okay? Whatever! I've been at it for 2 years, I'm used to it. [Ben then adds something together in his head] BEN: Wait, have you never heard of me? Ben 10? DP: Wow! Humble! BEN: No, seriously! Never? Have you ever seen any aliens? DANNY: Uh, no? BEN: Where are you from? DANNY: Colorado. BEN: I've saved the world, like, several times. [DANNY and DP raise an eyebrow each] BEN: Publicly!! People know about me! I'm a big deal!! This is--You guys aren't from here. I need to take you to the Plumbers, so we can-- [A portal powers up again. DANNY seems to suddenly remember something. He goes stiff] DANNY: Oh no. BEN: What? Is that the Ghost Portal? DANNY: Yeah. And you're about to meet the guy who punched me through it. [DP rejoins them to look at the threat] DP: Oh, now that you two have your shit figured out, I should mention I'm from another universe. BEN: WHAT! You said time travel! DP: Yeah, time travel gone horribly, horribly wrong. BEN: How??? I've time travelled a few times and never seen anyine mess it up that bad. DANNY: Yeah since when does time travel take you to other universes? DP: OH SO WE'RE ALL TIME TRAVEL EXPERTS HERE ARE WE??? I'm not telling you two how to live YOUR lives! DP: How about I start bragging about being a superhero expert! Neither of you even know what an X-man *IS!* BEN: Like from the comics? [DP looks at Ben. He won't say it out loud but his expression says "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE"] [BEN shrugs]

[time to get DISJOINTED!!! Here's 2 comic transcripts]

...[some fighting I havent written yet]...

DP: DANNY WHY IS YOUR GHOST DAD SO HOT?? DANNY: HE'S NOT MY DAD. PLEASE DON'T CALL HIM THAT, IT'S A WHOLE *THING* WITH HIM-- [VLAD beams] VLAD: Now, Daniel, is that any way to speak to your father?? DANNY: SEE?! Now he'll never shut up about it! VLAD: I've had enough of your sass, young man! You're GROUNDED. [VLAD spikes Danny into the ground HARD.] [DP is pissed off now. He reaches for his katanas.] DP: Ok I get the picture.

...[more unwritten fighting]...

VLAD: Well, now that I have your undivided attention-- [DANNY has just been punched into the ground. He's sitting up, now] DANNY: --You can start the evil monologue. Joy. VLAD: Evil is such a reductive word. Don't you ever get tired of being beaten half to death to protect people that couldn't care less if you lived or died? [DANNY stands up, with some difficulty] DANNY: You *would* think having a conscience is exhausting. [VLAD is taking a lazy step towards Danny every few moments] VLAD: ...Have you noticed where we are, Daniel? VLAD: Because it isn't Amity Park. It's not even in the same universe as Amity Park. VLAD: And it's not anywhere your idiot father will ever bother finding, seeing as it has nothing whatsoever to do with ghosts. [VLAD is standing over Danny, now] VLAD: Do you know what that means, my boy? VLAD: Nothing I do here can spoil my reputation. VLAD: And none of your little friends are coming to save you. [VLAD places a hand on Danny's shoulder, gripping too tight] VLAD: So VLAD: I'm going to make you the same offer I made you the night of the reunion VLAD: One. Last. Time. VLAD: Either abandon Jack and let me teach you how to really use your powers, [VLAD summons some ghostly energy between his hand and Danny's shoulder] VLAD: Or force me to make poor, dear Maddie file a missing person's report that will never be resolved.

[wow direct segue into comic!]

..[just a tad more unwritten fighting]...

[Vlad has Ben by the neck very far up in the air, and Ben is frantically pressing his Omnitrix] VLAD: [cackles] Goodness, I think your powers might be even more tempermental than Daniel's! It's a little sad, honestly. I was looking forward to a real challenge for once. DP: [on the ground, a distance away] Superpowers shmuperpowers [cocks gun, and fires a couple of shots at Vlad] [Vlad was watching DP talk, unimpressed. He becomes intangible, clearly no longer interested in Ben, allowing him to plummet to his death] [After becoming tangible again, and without breaking eye contact, in a flash of pink energy, Vlad is right in front of Deadpool, and violently pins him to a wall] DP: AWH, you can teleport?! That's not even fair!! VLAD: [close to Deadpools face, crushing his neck harder] No. It isn't. And that's just how I like it. DP: [choking] [thinking] don't say harder daddy don't say harder daddy don't say harder daddy [cut to Ben falling through the air, desperately, repeatedly smacking the Omnitrix] BEN: PLEASE WORK PLEASE WORK PL-- [Danny swoops in and catches him] BEN: [clinging to Danny, obviously spooked but trying to be cool] Thanks! DANNY: [amused] Don't mention it. [Danny puts Ben down on the ground] BEN: Um..where are your legs? DANNY: Oh, they uh...they just do that sometimes. DANNY: Is something wrong with your watch? BEN: [glares at the Omnitrix] It just does this, sometimes. [Danny sees something coming] DANNY: Well you'd better fix it fast! [Ben looks up just as Danny turns them both intangible, seconds before Deadpool is sent hurtling through them and into the ground] [BEN is grinning, watching his hands as they turn re-tangible] BEN: That is SO COOL! I've only ever gotten to do that to myself! Y'know, as an alien! [DANNY was looking at DP's crater, but turns to BEN, surprised at the genuine enthusiasm] DANNY: [maybe blushing a little?] Uh, thanks! [BEN grins at him, and Danny smiles back. They're cute.] [Deadpool's hand pops out of the crater, waving (flailing)...reassuringly?] DP: Don't worry about me, all he did was break [groans] most of my bones. [Danny grabs Ben and pulls him out of the way before Vlad fires an energy blast at Deadpool] VLAD: Still think you can manage without superpowers? [DP sits up painfully and slowly, and coughs] DP: Ac-- [Vlad hits him with a copious amount of energy blasts for an unnecessarily long time as he slowly lowers to the ground] [When Vlad lands and stops firing, he turns around to face Danny and Ben] VLAD: Where were we, Daniel? [Danny is horrified. He's gripping a fistful of Ben's shirt like his life depends on it, expecting to have to save him a third time. Ben is a bit shaken but still determined, and holds his hand at the ready over the Omnitrix] VLAD: ...That was rhetorical, my boy. I had just asked you a very simple question. VLAD: [turning his gaze to Ben] And I don't want to repeat myself. [Ben is not quite picking up on Vlad's thinly veiled threat. Danny, bug-eyed, follows Vlad's gaze to Ben, and is clearly absolutely terrified to be responsible for the deaths of two people he just met. Danny tightens his grip on Ben's shirt.] DANNY: ...I-- [a gunshot hits Vlad from behind. Vlad is completely shocked] [behind him, DEADPOOL is sitting up in the crater, charred to all hell but somehow still alive. He appears to only have one (barely) functioning arm left, which is holding the smoking gun] DP: I never said I didn't have any superpowers, jackass. [DP narrows his eyes] DP: I just like guns. [DP tries to shoot VLAD a few more times, but VLAD has turned intangible, and flies to a safer distance] Vlads gonna say some shit and run off Im not done yet but hoo boy. Oh man.

#void screaming #follow ur crossover dreams

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doingbetterforme · 6 years ago

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Social Anxieties are Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

I’m definitely not dating this person, but he’s being really nice about it.

We met on Tinder before my last relationship. Had one date and hooked up, kept in passive contact for the duration of that relationship, but I never felt like he was trying to pursue me (even before we fucked).

A little over a year later, I’m back on tinder, freshly out of my relationship and thinking I’m ready to go on some dates, flirt a little, buy a meal for someone, have someone buy me a meal, etc, and there he is again. Once again, it’s a match. I wonder if he remembers our encounter, or remembers me at all. We match.

We start chatting and I really want to go on another date with him. I end up on a bad date with someone else and text him drunkenly about it on a tuesday night, and he’s so kind about it. We have a date scheduled the next day and he’s surprisingly ok with it. He even checks in to make sure I still want to go, which I do.

“I would actually really love to spend time with a guy who I feel safe and comfortable around, and maybe that's a lot to put on you, but you're that guy right now”

We have a lovely date. I tell him all about the night before, and how I felt like I was trapped and I was really upset by my behavior in the face of that feeling. He listened kindly, we talked about common interests, it seemed like it was going well. He dropped me off and gave me a hug- no kiss because of my weird night before, and I texted him after he’d left, telling him I wanted to invite him in to finish our conversation, but I didn’t. He said he would have loved to.

We went out one week later. Went to see a movie, took some cute photos in a photo booth at the mall. It was fun, but again, no kiss goodnight. Maybe he just wants to be friends.

But we’re texting every day. There are many days where I won’t text him, because I don’t want to seem desperate. He texts me on every one of these days, setting off an avalanche of messages I can’t help but send. I flirt, purposefully, becauseI want him to know: I am interested. We make plans to make dinner at his place.

I’m thinking the whole day “just gonna eat dinner and go home.” The best laid plans of mice and very lonely women. We’re sitting on his couch, watching my favorite show and bonding over how great it is. He’s massaging and cuddling me, but not really making a move, so I kiss him. He kisses me back, hungrily.

“Oh, he does want this. Cool.” I end up sleeping over. He even offered to sleep on his couch, but I wanted so badly to sleep beside him. I wanted to be held and kissed and wanted. I told him I didn’t think I was ready to have sex, he offered agin to sleep on the couch, but I didn’t want him to. Of course, I changed my mind after a few minutes of fooling around. I haven’t had sex in two months and here is a sweet, supportive, kind person. He has no expectations of me, I don’t feel pressured in any way, I feel safe, I am ready.

We stay up for a long time afterwards talking about important things. Not commitment talks or anything like that- I don’t believe he is in any way my boyfriend. His cat sleeps on my pillow above my head, purring. Overall, a pretty wonderful night. Plus, I made a kick-ass sauce.

The next morning I feel like he can’t get rid of me soon enough. It’s strange, and he’s not mean about it, but I can tell he doesn’t want me to stick around and I’m being too sluggish in getting ready to leave. I text him when I get home, he texts me back. We continue texting for a week, I even bring up hanging out again, but he is vague about it.

I get a world-rocking yeast infection and my period, so I don’t know what’s even going on. I go to the doctor and get a full STI work up, just to find out I’ll be fine, just take this pill. Of course, that means I have spent days fixating and thinking this man just gave me something, and now doesn’t have the balls to tell me he’s not interested.

The weekend passes. He’s busy. We text a bunch on Monday and finally I ask, are we going to hang out again? I don’t want to be texting into a void. He says, he’s just busy, he’s just feeling things out, doesn’t have any expectations. I reiterate: I have no expectations of you, just wanted to make sure.

We don’t text the next day. He texts me the following day, and for most of the next week, I try not to text him first. I’m not trying to play games, just trying not to get invested in this person I really like when he seems completely uninterested. Or maybe not uninterested? It’s very confusing and I can’t read him. We don’t text at all over the weekend, and I figure that is that. He texts me on Monday. Today is Wednesday and still, no mention of hanging out.

I’m having a really bad day today. I fucked up at work in a bad bad way and I’m not happy about it. He asks me how my day is going, and I tell him it’s been kind of rough, he asks why. Why is he interested in my struggles? Every time I mention something not great, he jumps to attention. Does he want the drama? I don’t know. I tell him what’s going on, he is sympathetic.

“You know, you’ve been super supportive and sweet considering the enormous amount of complaining I feel like I’ve been throwing at you and I really appreciate it. I apologize if I’ve been throwing a lot of baggage at you. You’re very kind.” I’m terrified of being too needy, and it spirals into me being even more needy. He’s sweet in his response, but I can’t help but feel that in my attempt to avoid being needy, I’ve been incredibly needy.

And this person doesn’t even like me enough to show it. It’s absurd that I am so totally fixated on wondering whether this person likes me. He clearly doesn’t. So why is he being so nice about it? Why not just stop texting me? Why do I care?

#anxiety

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arruii-zu · 3 years ago

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maybe i’m making it up

On the rare ocassions I do take the car, I listen to the radio. And I don’t mean podcasts or curated playlists I paid for with monthly subscriptions. I mean the built in frequency of radio hosts, over played top 40 songs, minute long ads. I think I do it cause----well I like the space it takes up in my brain.

I like the way it turns me off, shushes the loudest parts of me as my eyes zero in on the stretch of road ahead. And mind you, I do not drive often. But when I do, I enjoy these moments the most.

The radio blends well with the musings of life around me, a couple of car honks here and there, the hum of my electric engine, the clicking of my signal lights. My mind seems to be lulled into some sense of being unfocused. It’s nice, I wouldn’t say peaceful, but it’s needed.

I need the break.

I think what gets me the most is, when I am especially checked-out, letting the sound fill my head, then--snap---my ears catch onto something someone had said. In particular I had heard a host, lost in context, say ‘ Sleep is a luxury I can hardly afford ‘ .

Oh. How relatable.

To no surprise at all- I suffer from insomnia, which is triggered by a million little things. One of them being, my anxiety. My mind’s attachment to overthinking. To replaying conversations from years ago, from an hour ago, to one’s i’ve yet to have. or never will.

It’s this hyper fixation with the ‘what-ifs’ and i run myself rampant on the proveribal hampster wheel that i call my thoughts.

and the truth is... If I never did anything because I was tired, well... I’d never be doing anything at alll.

Because I’m always tired---if you havent gathered that. But don’t point your guns at me. Don’t link me to 10 best remedies for sleep or 20 tips to love your job. Or worse---Secrets to healthier lifestyle--yuck.

Trust me when I say, I’ve been trying. I have. Really.

For starters---I try to sleep early. Then it’s cutting my sugar down to splitting my screen time. Going for walks. Smoking less.

And I am always doing something. Anything to be better. Pills, gummies, hot teas, hot baths, eye masks, oils. You name it.

But I am just still so tired. All the time.

it sucks. I feel like I am missing out on the best years of my life because I can’t be bothered to awake up. Fully. I am constantly finding myself dazed out. Spacing inbetween conversation. My life cut into sections.

Just a series of jump cuts. One after the other. And it’s gotten so bad that I can’t even explain properly to people how my day went.

Forget the chronology of it all.

At this point I don’t even feel alive. Not at least when I’m alone, huddled up in a good story, in a good book. My mind escapes me then, but that’s not really MY life is it? thats fiction. But then i get into these solipsistic moods and I think to myself.

am i just making this all up anyways? isn’t this all just in my head and I will wake up 13 years in the past. In a bed I’ve out grown, in clothes that have gone out of style, with a mind that has not matured?

by the way I’m 27. So give or take---14 years old.

Anyways, I’m rambling. The point of it all is---I’m tired of being tired.

But life is vicious that way.

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teachers-are-nerds · 7 years ago

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why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

#blah blah blah #negative #suicide tw #i dont want to die but i want my brain to shut up #self harm tw #ed tw

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mindovermilitante · 6 years ago

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Morning Ritual Day 2

Good-morning All,

Before we start today I am going to go ahead and try to make this blog post as correct and grammatically error free as possible. However seeing as I struggled to spell “good-morning” im sure this will still probably be crap English. Sorry once again but I must continue on. Ive been thinking a little about this blogs format and how often I will be updating my “journey” and although I do want to make the commitment to post every day, i do want to try and post multiple days if the occasion does arise. I see this blog as a potential escape or a funnel of some sorts to really expel what im feeling at the moment. I guess if you're reading this or if im reading this in the future you can be the audience looking into my life. Potentially acting not only as an audience member but even someone to vent to, preach to, or even gain understanding from. Lastly i want to preface by sayin that i want these to be public knowledge. I think hiding all of these emotions and feelings in my life for what seemed like forever wasn't quite different from when its put in a private folder in my computer. But alas i digress and so begins the blog post for day 2 of my journey into getting my life back...

This morning I awoke with an uneasy feeling both in my mind and my stomach. the day was about to start and so was my journey into “whatever it would lead me to”. As I stretched around and hugged my girlfriend as she made her way into the shower I began to structure my day based on what needed to be done.

“okay nathan you're going on your morning walk. keep it light, but maybe add some distance. when you get back lets make some breakfast. Possibly two eggs with spinach some avocados and blue berries. Ya thats sounds great for the beginning meal for the day. Oh also remember to grab some snacks for the day to keep you going until lunch.”

At this point my girlfriend had already left for work and i was left alone in the room. Now at this point it really is a decision for me to get up or hit that snooze button 5 times. Not going to lie i hit it one time but got up as soon as the second alarm hit. I put on some nice sweat pants and a comfy sweatshirt, filled up my hydro flask with cold water, and put on a video of Tony Robbins. I believe todays topic talked about “understanding what you want in your life”. If you havent heard about Tony i highly recommend listening to a couple of his seminars because they are incredibly worth the the listen. And so i was off on my walk from this point on.

Now back in my hard running days i usually had a solid route i would take that i was fairly used to. Something that I could constantly improve on and soemthing that to me could be constant. But in a quite opposite fashion I went the other way hoping for at least an ounce of change in my life. I should probably preface by saying that I live in a place where we do have four seasons (kinda) and fall was the season just starting. The cold weather on my skin, and the smell of morning dew helped me focus on the walk at hand. As I was walking ahead i focused on the seminar i was listening to through my headphones. I cant remember to much about what was said but the main points i got from it were building a tradition or somewhat of a habit to better ones life.

And that hit me. I think for the longest time i had been developing these wrong habits and ultimately was steering myself into the ground.

Hitting snooze on the alarms to bypass my runs

Going out to eat when I could cook at home

Finding time to relax and letting things play out

Eating unhealthy and not portioning meals

skipping meals all together

brushing off new adventures just because they cant fit in my schedule

I think its one thing to say we have a bat habit, but to have a plethora of bad habits can ultimately lead us down a road of failure. But what about the good habits? I think ever since we are little we a programmed to think of habits as bad things? Well why does it have to be a bad things. Why cant a habit be a good thing. something you're absolutely fixated on and potentially obsessed with can make you a better person in the end. I think so habits need to be looked upon more.So on my walk i developed some habits that i need to start following. They are as listed

Wake up early to walk( run in the future until Blood pressure is situated). Walk for even30 minutes. Figure out a new route every time or maybe increase the distance you walk

Start eating healthier and practice proper portion control. Incorporate a wide variety of vegetable. Dont be afraid to skimp out on the red meat and go for the vegetarian meal.

Drink water and dont stop drinking water. Add a couple lemons or other fruits to it to add somewhat of a flavor profile.

Talk to your girlfriend, friends, and family more about whats going on in their lives and my life as well. Friendships are built on conversations and it starts wit opening up to them about how you are doing.

Start understanding things come as they must. Life is filled with ups and downs. Understanding how to enjoy them is the goal. Trying to understand why something happens will get you now where in life.

Meditate. Even for 15 minutes. Practice on your breathing and understand that you are in control of how you breath and the stress you put on your body. Clear all thoughts in your mind and understand that your body needs to take a break.

Habits define who we are and can lead the bridges to how our goals are accomplished. Before I knew it i had already walked a fair distance away from my house. I had absolutely no clue where I was. But yet I found myself at ease. As i began my walk back to my home i stopped and looked around. Ive been doing this thing lately where I will focus on three things. For todays list it was a school, a corner house, and some school kids playing around. I dont know why I focused myself on these things but it happened. As i continued on i felt myself feeling something i had not felt in awhile.

A high of some sorts. The type of high you would only get after a hard run. Had a really gotten myself to the point where a walk would give me that feeling. Or maybe it was because my body had thanked me for getting out of the house.

“Maybe im on to something”

I say this to myself feeling great, but slowly the anxiety comes back. I know im on to something but in time it will tell fi that something works out. Until then im here for it.

As i prepared my breakfast the idea of going back to work kept coming up. What would it be like to be back in the clinic. would it be the same. would I like it again after all of this. Case in point... I dont know if I will but I have to make a change. not necessarily a change in occupation but a change in “habit”. A habit to do good agin to understand that im changing the loves of everyone around me and those people I do meet in the medical field. Thinking about all that made me realize i love what i do. But what i need to do is different from cutting out the thing i do already and changing them. Wow that was a little strange to type but okay. haha.

As i finished my breakfast headed into the shower i took my blood pressure. For me blood pressure can be read as the force being imprinted on your arterial wall and heart walls. This pressure reading can be an indicator for a lot of things; stress, diabetes, hyper tensions, heart failure. The list goes on and on. Currently based on medical standards a normal reading should be under 120/80. This implies the heart and arteries are working at its normal functions. When I checked into the doctors my blood pressure reading was around 140/90. Yesterday my blood pressure reading was 136/ 85. This morning at 820am

117/82

Now i thought to myself this cant be right? how can it lower so drastically over night. Im sure its due to my heart resting after a work out or the drastic food diet i have been eating. But I do think in part, its because of stress. Managing my stress is a main part of me getting back to my old self. Now do i believe that its fixed... oh god no... its going to be a long journey. But until that day comes.

Im going to be okay...

Thank you for listening :)

#depression #anxeity #mental health #positivity #takingmylifeback #running #walking #purpose #habits #its going to be okay

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