#i havent even been able to get out of bed let alone shower for a few days because i feel miserable

[cyborg-franky]

hello franky. i hope emergency requests are open because im in a huge need of one right now. if theyre not just ignore.

this has been the shittiest week of my entire life. nothing went right, felt extra su/cidal and anxiety wont leave me alone when im trying to sleep. feeling like the most worthless being ever. my birthday was this week but it got ruined. i lost my appetite and havent eaten for 3 days. i wont be able to celebrate christmas properly because i have alot of college work to do. i feel like im gonna break if anything else happens..

i wish i could get some comfort from kid and killer right now(separate or poly, doesnt matter).. sorry for my english, its not my first language.

thank you in advance<3

I am really sorry this took so long I have been very busy, struggling and sick still. I hope you managed to enjoy the holidays a little at least and I hope things aren't as horrid any more.

I hope these brings you some comfort <3

Killer x Kid x GN Reader [POLY] SFW Word Count: 582

Every time anyone came to the door you simply told them you were sick, something that they might catch and imagine how pissed Kid would be if he caught something. That was usually enough to get people to leave you alone. Kid and Killer knew when you needed a little space, claiming you were sick was always your way of hiding the crushing feelings that had become too much to deal with.

You always lied and said you were sick, too worried about what everyone else was going to say, showing weakness as a pirate was bad right? especially when you held yourself to such standards of being ‘scary’ and ‘intimidating’ like the rest of the crew.

Staring at the ceiling, counting each plank above your head, trying to push all the negative thoughts of your head, the things that bothered you until you couldn’t even manage to pull yourself out the bed, it had maybe been a few days since you’d considered selfcare as basic as a shower.

There was a knock at the door, you sighed and rolled over, back facing the door, you knew it was Killer checking in on you again, you didn’t want to worry him, he was too busy to fuss with the likes of you, least you’d told yourself this.

Another knock at the door, you said and did nothing. There was the sound of voices, muffled behind the wood, you recognised them both, it was Kid and Killer.. You were about to call over your shoulder that you were still feeling sick.

The door splintered in half under the weight of a well-placed kick. You let out a strangled confused sound. Looking over at the now kicked through door, Killer and Kid stepped through, Killer had a bowl of noodles in his hand and a glass of water.

Kid sat on side, the bed shifted sending you a little higher, Killer sitting the other side, balancing it out. You sighed and looked at the floor, you didn’t know how to explain to your partners you were under the weather.

“Eat and drink this” Killer instructed and handed you the glass first, you side eyed it but felt Kid’s intense gaze on you. Downing the water and taking the bowl from Killer, the red-haired man let out a hmp as you’d done as asked.

“You don’t need to tell us what’s wrong, we know your feeling like shit” Killer started, knowing he would have to be the diplomat in this situation.

“We just want you to eat and fucking fuck, shower, want me to hose you down on the deck?” Kid asked with a snort. Killer sending him a hidden look.

“I’ll help you shower” The blond said, his hand running through your locks.

“We ain’t here to baby you, or make you feel bad, just you ain’t shown your face in a few days” Kid muttered, shuffling closer to you slightly.

“What if I want to be left alone?” You asked, eating more of the noodles that had been brought you.

“Come have a shower, get some fresh air with us and if you still feel like shit after we’ll fix your door and just let you have more time” Killer said, his hand rubbing your back softly.

“Just try for us yeah?” Kid mumbled watching you nod your head, a small smile on your lips, the food in your belly was already helping but knowing these two carried about you, it was nice.

TAG LIST:

@slut4animedilfs @acesmarigold @undercoverweeeb @sanjithesimp @flameboyace @rae-vynn

[world-of-aus]

Behind the Screen - (Part 11)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 3,721

Warnings 18+

Author’s Note: sorry for the day delay it seems like its going to be that week for me, but i will work to be better for next week! I will be prepared i promise lol! I hope you enjoy this chapter, as much as i enjoyed writing it lol! Thank you for reading angels!

Part 10 / SERIES MASTERLIST

“It’s too much,” you moaned grasping a hold of his wrist.

Your thighs quivered under the weight of his fingers dragging up your sensitive skin. Bucky chuckled huskily, nipping at your heated, sweaty skin, his tongue running over the bite.

“Told you I had plans for you doll,” he grinned.

Your body shiver under his, “didn’t think you’d meant overstimulation,” you murmured in your post orgasmic state.

He was chuckling lowly again then, “oh baby, you think that was overstimulation, that’s nothing close to it,”

“Buck” you groaned attempting to squirm away from those sinful lips, but his arms held you in place.

“Stop moving,” he grunted at the swat of your arms.

“I’m gross and sweaty Buck, I need a shower and sleep,”

He held you tighter his face burying itself into your neck, “shower and sleep when I’m out, right now I just wanna be with my girl,”

Your body stilled heart thumping away in your chest at his words, a sleepy smile pulling at your lips, “your girl huh,” you questioned, “ and where are you going?”

He picked up his head to look at you, “Tony’s send me out for recon, shouldn’t be more than a few days,”

Your brows furrowed, “Buck we just got back, YOU just got back, when did you accept the job?”

“At the debriefing, I’m going in alone though, it’ll be much faster that way,”

Though you didn’t voice it in worry of starting up an argument with him probably hours before he left something about this just didn’t sit right with you.

Wanting to push away the worry in your mind you pressed your lips to his once more. The two of you stayed wrapped up in each other until the early hours of the morning, your body clinging to his, the worry still sitting heavy on your chest.

It lingered though the feeling growing as you walked hand in hand with Bucky to the jet. The others had met with him earlier to see him off, wanting to give you two privacy for when he actually had to depart.

You watched him move around the area, making sure he had everything he needed. You rubbed at your chest hoping to ease some of the pressure that sat there.

Bucky turned in time to catch the motion, his brows furrowed, “you okay doll?”

You looked up from where your eyes had fallen to the ground to see a look of concern on his face, “yeah just thinking,” you murmured, Bucky didn’t believe it for a second. Closing the distance between the two of you he sweeped you into his arms, fingers crossing behind your back.

“What’s on your mind?” he voiced int your hair.

“just worried is all,” you didn’t want to keep him in the dark, but you also didn’t want to say too much and have him upset during flight, it would do him no good for him to go in without his head on straight.

His thumbs rubbed slow circles on your lower back, “I'll be home before you know it, I'll also be just fine sweetheart,”

You sighed leaning into his chest, “I just don’t like that they’re sending you out again, can’t they give us a break,”

He chuckled into your hair, puffs of warm air tousling your locks, “babe the bad guys never take a day's rest so we’re no exception,” he sighed, “I'll be safe, it’s an in and out job, and I'll be doing exactly that, in and out, once I get the chance and I'm sure I’m threw I'll get into contact with you, I won’t be gone longer than a week,”

You nodded your head, fingers curling into his gear a little tighter not wanting to let go just yet, “just come home, that’s all I ask,” you whispered looking up at him.

A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, “I’ll come home to you, that’s a promise sweetheart,”

Your job was dangerous, the bad guys were ruthless, there was never telling if a job could go sideways, but at least you had each other to fall back too, except this time you were sending one in alone, and while Bucky had promised you he would come home to you there was just no promising that, but you wouldn’t voice your concern.

With a simple nod of your head and a bruising kiss to pressed to his lips you watched him walk away from you.

He’d be alright you thought, he’s going to come back to you at the end of the week, and everything will be as it once was.

You had been able to keep yourself and your mind busy the first few days, constantly reminding yourself that Bucky had till the end of the week. Those reminders had begun after day two, which had been Bucky’s guess of him returning home. Alongside that reminder you also had to tell yourself he was only taking longer to get home because it was a one-man job, and he didn’t have that back-up to make things move along faster. Day three and four, you were being to get restless without Bucky around to bother you, or keep you company, so you spent most of your time between Natasha, Sam and Steve. Day five was spent locked away in your room under the covers of your bed waiting for your phone to light up. Days six and seven were spent trying to remain hopeful but as the seconds, minutes, and hours ticked you by, the hope dwindled being replaced by the heavy worry on your chest.

Day 8 had you pacing, silent tears running down your face, he had been caught.

Steve had called the team down for an emergency meeting and had broken the news to you then.

“what do you mean he’s been caught, caught by who?” you questioned hurriedly, a look of worry taking over your features.

Sam had slid over to you, his arms wrapping around your shoulder, you had watched as Steve released a sigh, hand rubbing over the worry lines on his head.

“we don’t know much more right now other than that,”

Your heart fell from your chest, “are we going in to get him?”  

“these men are dangerous y/n, we can’t just send anybody in, sending Bucky in was already a risk, I can’t risk another member,”

“wait, wait, wait,” you shook your head, trying to gather your thoughts, “you knew this was a dangerous recon even for him and you still sent him in alone?”

“We had no other choice, if we sent more than one person in they would have caught on,”  

You threw your hands in the air almost knocking Sam away, “Steve we’re smarter than that, you could have sent in two, three, hell maybe even the whole team and we would have been smart enough to work through it, instead you made the rash decision to send him in alone,”

Steve knew you were right, “I couldn’t risk the team,” he sighed.

“But you could risk him?” you questioned voice rising with anger.

“He signed himself up” Steve fired back, “he asked me to put him in, he said he wanted to be the one sent on this mission, you really think I would have just sent him in there by himself, I tried talking him out of it, hell even Sam tried as well, but he argued that he could be in and out, that it would be a walk in the park,”

You looked to Sam, “it’s true y/n, we tried talking him out of it, we all wanted to believe this wouldn’t go sideways,”.

You sighed, “so how are we getting him out,”

A knock on your door had you wiping at your tears, you muttered a nasally come in, your door slowly swung open. Steve stood just outside of your door, “you can always back out if you need too, you don’t need to do this,”

Your hands fanned over your face, “just like you said you couldn’t risk sending in another member, this is me saying you won’t have to,” steve sighed, “Steve you said yourself these men know you, they know Natasha and they know Sam, had wanda not been away you could have sent her in, but she’s not I'm your only choice at possibly bringing him home,”

“just because they aren’t aware of you y/n doesn’t mean this will end well, it doesn’t mean you’re going to have a successful mission, it doesn’t-”

“Steve” you growled cutting him off, “you don’t think I know all of this, you don’t think I'm aware of  all the possible dangers that come with our job, I know what I'm going into, and right now I'm our only hope of bringing him home, if-”

“don’t think like that y/n”

“like I said I know what dangers this job can bring, and super soldier or not, you aren’t immortal, when do I leave?”

Steve didn’t want to send you in, just like he didn’t want to send Bucky but he knew you were the only one with a remote chance of getting in and getting the two of you out. In his mind there was just no other way, he just prayed you wouldn’t end up in the same predicament as his best-friend.

Your sendoff was much more different than Bucky’s, no one there to see you off, the member’s torn apart by the hard decision Steve had to make. You couldn’t blame them though, it was better like this, in your experience at least, you just hope unlike Bucky you would be coming home, and with him in tow.

You looked up at the ratty, worn down metal warehouse before looking back down at the location Steve had sent you of Bucky’s last seen ware abouts. Pocketing your device you made sure your holster was secured around your thigh, your knife and gun tucked away neatly. You took quick calculated steps towards the building, staying light on your feet, molding in with the shadows. You stopped abruptly when your device vibrated profusely from within the confines of your pants. Pulling it out you pressed it to your ears ducking, “what is it Steve, are you trying to give me away?” you hissed.

“the men have been taken care of y/n, just get Bucky out and bring him home,”

Your words caught in your throat, “w-what do you mean taken care of, this is the first place I came too, havent even come across any goons.”

Steve laughed on the other end, “we had some help,”

“so Bucky should be the only one I come across?” you questioned unbelieving it could really be this easy.

“from what we’ve gathered, yes, but still be watchful, I know you won’t have another pair of eyes to watch your back but I also know you’ll do just fine,”

A sigh left your lips, “for once I hope you’re right,” you muttered.

“Just get home safe, we’ll be waiting here for you and Barnes,”

“noted Rogers, see you in a minute,” you grinned though he couldn’t see it.

Steve chuckled before a click sounded from the device, you pocketed it, taking in a shuddering breath before your feet pushed you forward. Finding a side door, you pulled it open cringing when it squeaked on its rusty hinges. Leave it to Barnes to get caught and captured in a rundown warehouse, the whole building was screaming for someone to get caught. Rusty doors, a broken infrastructure, hell even the cemented floors had a squeak to them.

You continued to walk further into the darkened building the only guiding light was from the holes in the roof filtering in the moonlight. Not seeing any sign of other’s around you moved around faster, coming from the shadows to speed up your search. You kicked various doors in but found nothing except torn down rooms. The worry was beginning to creep on you, but you shook the feeling off intent on tearing this warehouse top to bottom if that’s what it took to find Bucky.

You were coming across the last door in the building and you worried that just like the others he wouldn’t be here either. Like the other’s before it this one was also locked, lifting your foot up and back you brought it down onto the weak structure, the door shattering under your foot, splinters of wood flying in every direction.

“fuck you’re a sight for sore eyes,”

You sagged in the doorway a breath of relief falling from your lips, “oh thank god you’re alright,” you breathed moving forward on shaky legs.

Bucky was suspended up, handcuffs bound tightly to his wrists, the toe of his boots scuffing the floor occasionally as he dangled.

You looked at the cuffs, his wrist bloody, “Jesus Buck how did you manage to get yourself into a predicament like this,” you questioned as you thought a way to get him down.

“I've been caught for a few days now babe, they only just managed to hold me down long enough to bring me out here and cuff me in this damn room, they had received word that you all were coming in for retrival and decided to move me before you all could get to them a mistake on their end if you ask me”

You shook your head, looking around the room for something to stand on, you weren’t sure how long his wrist could hold his weight up, and frankly you didn’t want to find out, “did they take out all the things for me to possibly stand on, why the hell did they choose such a shitty place to handcuff you too,” you groaned.

Bucky grinned, “would you have preferred they handcuff me to your bed?”

You stopped your search to whip your head around to stare at him, “I should just leave you there for joking about this, you had us all worried,” you muttered.

Buckys grin fell, “m’sorry sweetheart, just trying to make light of a shitty situation, thought it would make you smile.”

“well don’t Buck you-” you sucked in a shaky breath, “you had me worried, you should have never agreed to this mission, you should have never said you would take it,”

He raised a brow, “how did you know?” he questioned.

“Steve told me,” you murmured as you looked at his wrists, a frustrated sigh left your lips. There was nothing for you to climb on to get you to those cuffs, well nothing except for maybe Bucky, but even then the added weight will just have it chewing through his wrist that much quicker.

You moved toward him, “this may hurt,” you muttered as you threw a leg over his waist, your arms going around his neck as you hoisted yourself up, breasts pushed into his face. You hit him with your foot, “buck stop nuzzling my damn breasts, I'm trying to get you off,”

“you’re messing with the wrong thing if you want to do that sweetheart,” he murmured biting at your chest.

A groan fell from your lips, “buck, babe seriously, I need to get you down your right wrist is bleeding and all you can do right now is think with your head downstairs?”  

“can you blame a man, sweetheart, it's been 8 days without you, and the first thing I'm greeted with is your breasts in my face, I can die happily now,” he grinned nipping at your skin again, “ow fuck, okay, I'll stop” he grunted when you sent him another kick to his backside.

“good” you muttered, as you worked on freeing his right wrist, it took you awhile but after searching through yours and Buckys body you finally found something promising to poke through the key whole, it took a few seconds before his bloodied wrist was falling free from the confines of the cuff the hand wrapping itself around you waist. You immediately slid across his body to the other side, “god doll,” he murmured his face pushing into your chest again, “you have no idea how much I missed you,”

“I’m pretty sure I have an idea,” you grunted feeling his hardness, “buck stop moving goddamnit, I'm trying to get you free here,”

A growl was leaving his lips, his left hand whirred under yours a crack sounding through the room as he pulled down the wooden bar he had been cuffed too splitting. You both tumbled to the ground his body falling on top of yours, a pained groan leaving your lips at the impact, “fuck why didn’t you just do that before,” you huffed wincing at the pain that shot up your back.

He doesn’t say a word as he closes the distance between you his lips pressing to your roughly, a moan is leaving his lips at the feel of yours against his. Your fingers tangle in his long locks, bringing him closer tongues dancing with one another. He pushes you into the cement below your back, desperate to feel you, to be close to you.

“missed you so much doll,” he murmurs as he pulls away to run his lips over the rest of you he can reach. Sucking in a breath of air, a moan falls from your lips as Bucky finds his way down to your neck, nipping at the” sensitive skin there. Your hands slide down to his chest, trying to push him up but he won’t budge, “buck,” you moan body arching, “we need to go, we can finish this when we get home, let’s get you home baby,” you groaned as he sucked at the skin of your neck.

He’s not listening as his hands slide down your body fingers working the button of your pants open, hand sliding past your panties, finger seeking out your warmth. “Fuck Bucky please,” you moan as his fingers expertly find your aching bundle. He nips at your chin, fingers circling your clit, your body arching as your body thrums with pleasure.

“need you baby,” he whispers, “don’t want to wait till we get home to have you writhing under me,”

Your pussy is clenching at his words, the words doing things to you, “please,” your moaning again, though your not sure what your asking for.  

“tell me what you want baby,” he sounds wrecked and you’re not even doing anything to him.

His fingers sliding into your heat have all coherent thoughts flying out the window, fuck me you thought.

“you want me to fuck you baby?” he whispers leaning down to nip at you ear.

Shit, you had said that out loud in your pleasurable haze, it’s not like the team was waiting for you outside, and fuck if you hadn’t been hot and horny the entire time he had been gone. Throwing caution to the wind you lean up to press your mouth to his tongue sliding against his, lips moving needily against one another.

You slide your hands between your bodies, fingers searching for the button of his pants. The little space between your bodies has Bucky growling into you lips as he pushes up his hand slapping yours away as he works his own pants down, cock springing free from the confines of his pants. Your tongue runs over your bottom lip.

“like what you see sweetheart,” he grins pumping himself a few times, the tip running over you wet folds.

Another plea falls from your lips as he lines himself up with your entrance sinking in slowly, low groans falling from both of your mouths.

Bucky’s head falls back feeling your pussy clench around his aching member, “fuck that feels so good,” he hisses through gritted teeth. He falls forward forehead pressing against yours, his warm breath fanning across your face. Your eyes are staring deeply into one another, a desperate need growing from within you feeling his cock throb inside of your warmth. Your arms wrap around his shoulders, “fuck me buck, I need you,” your moaning against his lips.

His hips pull back slowly, his cock dragging within you leaving behind a delicious burn, he's just at the tip before he’s slamming back in. The pace he sets is relentless, your body sliding against the cemented floor, low hisses falling from your lips at the burn. His hips are driving into you, hands keeping you in place as he fucks up into you. You cling into him, head buried in his shoulder, moans of his name falling from your lips.

His thrusts are wild, desperate, muscles tense under your fingers that keep you bound to him. You had never had Bucky like this, so desperate, needy, out of control, you’d be lying if you said this didn’t do things for you.

Your close and Bucky can tell, your walls clenching around him tightly as he draws your wound up body closer to release, “you going to cum for me sweetheart, cum all over my cock?” he questions fingers sliding down to circle your aching clit.

A loud moan is falling from your lips at not only his fingers but also his words, fuck if that isn't the hottest thing you’d ever heard fall from his sinful lips.

“Cum for me y/n, come on baby cum for me,” he moans into your ear, licking over the shell of it, that’s all it takes for him to have you falling apart in his arms. Your back arches, chest pressing into his as your orgasm takes over your body. The moans falling from your lips is enough to send him over as well, his warmth filling you up, “fuck y/n!” he groans continuing to fuck you through both your orgasms.

He slumps forward body crushing yours, face nuzzling your neck as he breathes you in, “I really did miss you sweetheart,” he murmurs.

Your fingers find their way into his hair scratching at his scalp, “I missed you too Buck,” you whispered pressing a kiss to his head, “can we agree to never do this again,”

“Won’t promise, but I'll try my hardest,” he replies picking up his weary head to look at you.

Your fingers run over his face, “I’ll take that,” you murmur pressing your lips to his.

Part 12

Behind The Screen Tag-list: @ladifreakingda @georgialeighc13 @racewife2004​ @multy-fandom-lover​ @otvlanga​ @sailorstupidsblog​ @n1ghtsh4d3-67​ @wantingtobekorra​ @gazzan-a​ @clarinette07​ @amanda-the-fangirl​ @im-sure-its-fine​ @sagechanoafterdark​ @heyywestman @runaway-escape​ @ilovesupersoldiers​  @unlistedpond​ @rayofdawnworld​ @badassbaker​ @spookyanairwin​ @fandom-basurero​ @krabby-tentacles​ @sassy-pelican​ @lizlepuffs​ @jaywolf840​ @xoasalxo @buckys-plums3​ @buchanansebba​

[misskittysmagicportal]

I’m A Creep

Fandom: The Messenger Jack x Rin Davies

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: suicide discussion, oral sex, penetration, mention of masturbation, angsty whomp because OOOOF is Jack a Whomp!character

Note: The events of this fic contain spoilers for those of you who havent seen The Messenger.  It takes place after the end of the movie.  Read at your own risk if you haven’t seen it!  If you want it’s free on Tubi :)

Present Day:

Jack stood beside Rin in the dead of night watching her sleep for just a moment. Only a moment because she roused the instant she sensed him breathe. Sitting up, she quickly reached inside the nightstand. He knew her routine, Rin was impulsive about making sure her leather motorcycle gloves were on before she let him in.

Jack wordlessly pulled his shirt over his head and stepped out of his sweatpants and boxers. 

Rin lifted her covers and opened her legs to him. Obliging, Jack lowered himself onto her showering her neck with kisses. His tongue and lips trailing down along her collarbone, erection hard against her thigh. A hand found its way under Rin’s t-shirt and over a naked breast where he pinched at a nipple. 

“Jack,” she was breathless. “Stop. Don't touch my skin, please.”

Jack pushed himself up by the arms, “How is this enjoyable to you, duck?” A northern term of endearment. “My thighs ah touchin’ you aren't they?” The moonlight caught his eyes as he teased her with the head of his cock. “What about this, inside you?” Suggestively whispered. 

Rin moaned but held her cool. “It’s not the same. Like you said, that's inside. It's just my.. skin. From my..” her voice trailed off. 

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckkin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed her. Tongue pushing inside of Rin, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered, just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me”

--------

Several Weeks Before:

Rin sat alone at a center table in the middle of the visitation room.  This wasn’t her first rodeo, probably won’t be her last.  She flexed her hands outwards the leather of her gloves cracking and flexing in a satisfying manner.  No one was going to come and see her. Besides, the solitude allowed her to quietly spy on all the other nutters around the room.

Just to her left Rin noticed a pretty redheaded woman and her son as they sat across from probably the most attractive guy ever in an institution.  There was a tenseness to the way he sat, shoulders hunched and hands between his legs.  His hair unruly and a blank stare that wasn’t really focusing on- she came to realize-  his sister and nephew.  Rin knew him from group therapy where he was equally quiet, eyes glassy from a psych med cocktail.  The majority of his speaking hours tucked away in that overbearing therapist’s office.  

“Jack, will you please just look at me?” his sister, Emma tried her best to reach out to her brother. “I.. I think Martin and I made a mistake.” 

Jack only stared straight ahead between Emma and his nephew, Billy. The preteen looked uncomfortable and scared as his mother nudged him softly. “It's ok. Billy tell Uncle Jack.” 

“I did, Mom” , his voice quiet. “I'm supposed to say no. That you should get me help before it's too late.”  Rin watched as Billy folded his arms and laid his head down. “Only I can't. It's all night and day, Jack. I can't sleep because they don't have you.” 

“Best leave him here with me then, Emma.” It was the first time anyone heard Jack speak in weeks. His sister had a posh accent, so Rin was surprised when Yorkshire dripped from his lips. “For good, right?” 

“That's not fair. You are sick, Jack.  You weren't caring for yourself. You.. you got too involved with that murder. You were hurting yourself,” Emma struggled with tears. “I want to take you home.”

“Oh like I'm some kind of fookin dog? Emma you and Martin made it clear I belong here. She's right, maybe it was all dad. That's traumatic you know.” 

“You deserve someplace warm! A home. Please, Jack. I found this in your things.” She slid a newspaper clipping towards her brother. “That's the boy who drowned. Why.. why didn't you tell me?” 

“Loads of kids drown in pools,” Jack stated bluntly with a shrug. “Why should your pool be any different?” 

“I never said it was our pool.” 

“I recognized the address in the article”

“Jack, it's from two years ago.” 

“I got lucky. Ah we doon here? I have walls to stare at. Here Billy you can have this back,” from between his knees he produced a glass paperweight with a scorpion inside. “Tell all ya mates Crazy Uncle Jack sends his loov” 

Jack tried to stand but Emma grabbed his arm. This was Rin’s cue to swoop in. She swiftly moved from her table to theirs. 

“JACKIE!’ I've been looking for you everywhere!” His eyes panicking in her direction. “I'm Wren,” she took her glove off and reached a scarred hand in Emma's direction. “But my brother couldn't say it so you can call me Rin” She smiled brightly. 

Emma tentatively shook Rin’s hand, smiling in turn.  Rin took a moment as her mind’s eye zoned in on what was inside of Jack’s sister.  It was a loneliness, a desperation to take care of her little brother but protect her son from the same fate.  But most importantly Rin felt a small tingling of warmth from somewhere deep inside of Emma’s heart.  It was white and pure and instantly recognizable as hope.  Even though it was tiny it was growing and starting to spread, and Rin knew Emma was eager to share that with her brother.

“Wow,” Rin blurted, “I wish my brother was as invested in me as you are.  You’re a good person, Emma.  Trust me,” she winked.  “Woman’s intuition.”

Emma narrowed her eyes and studied the crazed looking woman standing between her and Jack.  The scars on Rin’s hand raised some alarms, but Emma ignored them.  She omitted a relief and let go, “Well thank you.  Can you talk some sense into my brother?”

Moments later, with the visitors gone, Rin sat down in Emma’s place.  “Thank you is a start,” she teased Jack. 

He rolled his eyes and slowly turned in her direction to face her dead on.  The intensity of his eyes took Rin by surprise.  “Thank you,” the sarcasm poured like a waterfall.

Rin took off her other glove.  “Now, Mr-”

“Jack is fine.”

“Jack.  Tell me,” Rin feigned a German accent, “Und why do zey sink you are crazy.”   

He blinked slowly.

“You got sectioned.  What bullshit excuse did they force you to believe?  Because it seems like Lovely Emma is desperate to get you out, and we know how hard that is.”

Jack took an impossibly deep breath, “Schizo-effective disorder with some dissociation, post traumatic stress disorder, non-suicidal self injury disorder and depression.”

“Fuck me, that's a trail mix of bonkers. Now ask me” 

Jack closed his eyes. They were shut for so long that Rin was certain he had fallen asleep having given in to his meds. His hunched, thin body sort of folded a bit in on itself. A moment of possible self-soothing when he started to sway. 

“Jack?” Rin's tone fell quietly with concern. She poke his arm carefully avoiding touching the skin. “Darling what cocktail did these quacks put you on.” She was an expert after all these years; if the drugs were working, no way would he be this much of a zombie.

Green blank eyes hidden behind enviable eyelashes attempted to focus “Seroquel. Clozapine?” His words start to slur a bit. “Fine. How fucking barmy are you?”

“Well,”  the young woman softened, “I have suicidal ideations with self-injury tendencies myself, severe clinical depression, a bit of the old borderline personality disorder and wait for it..”  she practically whispered a few inches from Jack’s face, “total emotional attachment to partners.”  

The skin around Jack’s eyes crinkled as he squinted just enough to indicate his hazed brain was trying to process everything Rin just unloaded. His lips parted to speak but he paused resulting in a gobsmacked expression.  “You’re barking.”

“Says the sexy scarecrow with journo clippings of dead boys.”  Rin pursed her lips and crossed her arms, “Why are you really in here Jack.”

“I’m fucking mad.” It was matter of fact.

“To quote the Cheshire Cat, we’re all mad here, love.  Look at me,” she held her hands aloft to display gnarled and prominent scars covering both hands in their entirety.  “I developed a gift or two by primary school.  See I can touch a person, and I know what they are feeling.  Except it.. It goes deeper than that.  I can PICTURE their true selves.  It’s a bit overstimulating, but no one can lie to me.  Not really.  Doesn’t do much for my sex life.  Or lack of one really.  Honestly, you put a cock in your mouth only to find out the guy you’re with is fantasizing about slitting your throat and wanking in your blood.”

Jack shook his head, “Jesus christ.”

“Well yes! My parents were religious zealots, right?  They got wind of my gifts.  Tried to use me in the church, but I rebelled.  Long story short, darling Mumsy and Papa decided if they may be stuck my hands in boiling grease I wouldn’t be able to use it anymore.  It’s not in my hands though.  It’s in my skin,” Rin smiled almost pleasantly. “Sometimes I get a bit over the edge.  I stop shielding myself from the pure air around folks, I suffocate in it.  Then,” now she held out her wrists, “I have my little accidents.”

Jack’s mouth hung agape.  His brows furrowed in confusion, “You are off you’re fucking nut.”

“That’s all relative.  Now, you can tell me why they REALLY sectioned you.  What power or ability are they masquerading as mental illness, or I can find out my way.”  Rin shrugged. 

“Why the fuck do you care?  I’m sleeping at night.  I have food and a bed and a shower.”

“Und electro-shock zerapy, und coma inducing psychopharmaceuticals, und most importantly you has lost your voice und a chance to harness your ability correctly.”  that mock German accent again.  “You shouldn’t be here, Jack.  Emma certainly doesn’t think so, and neither do I.  You’re special.  Or that bitch shrink wouldn’t have made you the living dead.”

Jack snorted followed by a rather loud.  “Just fuck off. Fuck off.  Fuck off.  FUCK OFF!” he screamed in Rin’s face.  Not once did she flinch, arms crossed again in a challenge. Disgusted by her, Jack kept bellowing his words thick with anger and cotton from the meds, “I DON'T BELONG OUT THERE EITHER!  I DON'T BELONG IN HERE!  I DON’T FUCKING BELONG ANYWHERE. HE’S DEAD.  SHE’S DEAD.  EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THE CUNTS IS DEAD!  DEAD DEAD DYING!  JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” 

He shot up out of the chair to leave, but Rin caught his large hand.  Skin to skin, hands so small together they barely covered just his one.  Instantly her body stiffened as she gasped for air.  Tears immediately stung her eyes as she crammed them shut.  There in her mind was just a large body of water.  Ocean waves crashed overhead as she sank far below the surface.  Dark, cold, horrifying that sensation of being drowned.  Rin choked on the last bit of oxygen in her lungs and started to suffocate.  The hand she held brought her mind’s eye around to opening under the water to see Jack floating near-motionless in front of her.  It took all of her strength to push against the tide towards him where she held his face in her hands.  Death and decay flashed above them, the dead peering down from boats just waiting for Jack to return to the surface.

Rin strained to convey that tiny bit of hope Emma had passed along to her earlier as she pressed her forehead into Jack’s in the icy deep.  There was no reason in particular that she was drawn to him.  Not in the hospital or here trying to save him from drowning slowly. Was he attractive, undoubtedly, but that wasn’t all or it. Maybe it was now that she knew he was a messenger, a harbinger of death.  That was itself a form of an empathic gift.  Or it was just compassion. 

Suddenly Jack’s eyes burst open.  In that languid way your body moves underwater, he pushed her away.  His arms and legs thrashed around in a panic as if he only just realized he was allowing this place to kill him.  There was an instant loss, and Rin’s inner self slammed into a brick wall.  The physical Jack had severed the connection between her body and his.  To resurface that suddenly forced Rin gulping in blessed oxygen that she never really lost.  It was an illusion, where the two of them had been.  He really had shoved her back though, she realized that now.  Storming out of the visitation center, Jack left Rin alone to cry.

--------

Several days later

Rin lounged against the wall outside of Jack’s room with her gloves firmly in place.  Patients weren’t SUPPOSED to fraternize outside of the common rooms, but Rin had been here a few times before.  She knew which orderlies and nurses to finess, and which to avoid.  In this case Jerry was the giant, affable St Bernard of a man that kept watch in this particular hallway.

“Wren back so soon?” he teased. “What are you doing hanging around the human handbook for the recently deceased?” 

“Delightful, Jer.  How is he?  I mean really.” Rin hooked her thumb in the direction of the room.

“Easiest patient I’ve dealt with on account of he rarely speaks, pops his meds and keeps to himself.  Gave us a bit of a row when he first got here, but I like the guy.  I don’t know what to believe though.  His sister’s been sniffing around administratives.”  The orderly shrugged his massive shoulders.  “Heard you took quite the piss on visitation day.”

“I didn’t take the piss!” 

“Did ya do your handsy thing,” Jerry made jazz hands.

Rin’s eyes almost rolled back in her head, but suddenly there was a figure in the doorway which caused her to jump.  “How about we don’t talk about the nutter like he isn’t 10 feet away and only 27 years old?” Jack insisted.  His arms crossed and shoulders sagged in their usual way.  

“Can we talk?”  

Before Jack could truly answer, Rin had already pushed past him and sat down on his bed.  His mouth hung somewhat agape before he eventually joined her.  Jack attempted to sit close, just for some human contact, but the young woman beside him shied away.

“Right,” a retort.  “You’ve started being just as bloody fucking annoying as they were.”

Startled, “Who?”

“You know those.. Schizo delusions I’m here for.”

“The dead?”

Jack’s green eyes narrowed and Rin knew there was a sarcastic remark just sitting there waiting to be released.  Instead he curled his posture as if he was trying to fold in on himself.  Make himself smaller, less noticeable.  “Dissociations sparked by my father’s suicide.”

“Psycho babble bullshit jargon.  Congratulations, you’ve become a parrot.”  Rin waved her hand, “Jack has anyone ever-.”  There was a hesitation.  

“Has anyone ever what? Go on, enlighten me then”

Rin started stripping her gloves off but thought better of it.  A sense of foreboding, of drowning and clutching her chest for hair flashed across her mind.  The loneliness emanated from Jack without her touch. That empathic conduction of her skin.  Reaching instead to place the soft leather against his cheek, her thumb brushed his bottom lip.  Her eyes searched for him in that moment where time stood still before a mouth replaced a thumb.  

To not only Rin’s surprise but his own, Jack didn’t recoil.  His body relaxed as instinct took hold. There was a fervor in hands that got tangled up in hair.  Tongues fought each other as arms made their way around bodies in an embrace.  They held one another tight, the desperation apparent.  

The spell broke when Jack laid Rin down on the bed and let his warm mouth trail down her neck. He was awkward and hungry like a teenager.  He fumbled around her chest to attempt massaging her breast. 

A snort came from Rin simply to hide the panic of rushing water when Jack’s lips came into contact with her skin.  Maybe hers found it easier to beg off that inner eye from opening, but now she didn’t have a choice.  They weren’t as deep with the surface just rippling only a few inches away.  

Before she started to lose oxygen again, Rin began to squirm.  “ Stop.  Please?”

Jack sat up and faced forward as if nothing had transpired.  His cheeks flushed and a hand tugged at his tee-shirt embarrassingly then stuffed between his legs. He blinked a few times as he breathing calmed. 

“I only came to ask you if anyone had ever shown you affection.  Held you.  Emma.. Emma”  Rin inhaled deeply as she forced Jack to hold her glove hand.  “I know she sort of longs to hug you.”  Back on his cheek to make him look at her. “Obviously I got my answer,” she laughed. 

Jack silently replied by pushing his forehead into Rin's.  They laid down again this time with their heads on his pillow legs and arms tangled up in each other. Jack nuzzled the edge of his nose into the skin behind her ear; her breath caught. Then the couple seemingly melted together.

“Jack you seem less-” fingers twisted up in his curls.

“Like a walking coma patient?” hand gripped the thick of her thigh.  Then reaching a shelf above Rin Jack seized one of those creepy glass paperweights housing a floating tarantula. Turning it over underneath to show a tiny white envelope. “I started hiding my meds. Pass them along to my sister when she visits.”

Just under the surface of the water, still struggling for air exploded before Rin's eyes. Perhaps she had passed something between Emma and Jack. Was it her own faith that was transmitted to him? That first touch that woke him up after all this time. 

The next few weeks became a game of trial and error. Of how little or much Rin and Jack could consume of each other.  Kissing was no longer an issue once the meds began to wear off, lips and tongues and mouths. It felt more like standing ankle deep in a bathtub. Warm and comforting; it was Jack that was overpowering.  

Eager to make up for a very long very lost amount of time. He stumbled along Rin's body uneasily because of how little clothing she removed at first. Not that he was in a rush to reveal what was underneath his oversized shirt and sweatpants. He wasn’t the one recoiling when the stimulation overwhelmed.  

“I'll take off my shirt. Touch me here, but where the fabric of my bra is. Tease the nipple with just your fingertips. No that's.. maybe under? Touch them. Oh God. Now your mouth. Right there.  Are you.. you took your shirt off too?” (She marveled at how defined, muscular Jack's body seemed despite his slight stature)   

Jack took initiative now and slid his fingers inside of Rin. He pumped them a few times guided by her ``Oh.. maybe you can touch me.. Do you feel.. It’s like a bud or a kernel.. Here let me.. It’s just right.. OH GOD.  Right like.. ”   And she would ride his hand and fingers that circled that bud.  

Rin would cry out in surprise.  Her body exploded in ecstasy. They weren't drowning anymore. Just swimming, bobbed under the water and surface. It was the sense-memory of suffocating, coupled with the dazzling pleasure of Jack's warm tongue as it teased her nipples, his strong fingers teasing her clit at the same time. His hot skin meshed with hers washed out by fear.  She apologized as they scrambled to arrange themselves. 

“Don't think I'm going anywhere for quite some time, my love.”  His words changed with the possessive my in lieu of the once meaningless sentiment. He would steal a chaste kiss from Rin whose cheeks flushed to match his own as he made that familiar adjustment between his legs.  In the future, Rin would come to him without a bra but reluctant to take her shirt off when Jack kept on never minding.

Jerry became an ally of sorts. He always had been on Rin's side after she read him her second section. It wasn't difficult to get him to believe in Jack's abilities. Staff has whispered down the corridors that Jack had suddenly found himself aware of a suicide attempt.  That dead reporter Emma mentioned, his fiancé had taken more pills than Rin ever fathomed any number of her attempts. (She had a flare for dramatics: slit wrists) Jerry mentioned Jack had a tantrum the likes of a toddler screaming the name Sarah whatever over and over, pounding his fists into his head to make whatever haunted him. Sure enough, this Sarah was found nearly having bled out and foaming at the mouth. 

“How would he even fucking know, poppet? Not unless Jack really was chatting up her dead fiancé “ As if that was all he needed, Jerry turned his back and caused distractions all the nights the Empath and her Beautiful Broken Man longed to be together.

It was stunning the way Jack learned to manipulate the system.  Only Rin, and reluctantly Jerry, knew he pocketed his meds.  Safely tucked away in those ugly arachnid globes in the pockets or purse of Billy and Emma.  He started talking more in group therapy and far less in private sessions.  Engaged in conversations with his sister and nephew, true ones that resulted in a simple smile or a laugh free from a facetious tone.  To the staff and doctors those fucking psychopharmeceuticals worked.  To Jack’s sister and nephew and whatever Rin was to him, there was a slowly lifting weight making the air around him lighter. Yet Rin kept her hands to herself.

More trial and error.  In the midst of fervent kisses, Rin took Jack in her hand.  A stroke or two was all she got in before he spasmed and came.  The mortification that flashed in his eyes as he curled in a fetal position between her and the wall while she whispered reassurances in his ear.  Touching him, caressing him and eventually taking him into her mouth became easier and longer with practice and patience.  

They laughed into each other’s mouths before Rin let her tongue trail down over his stomach. Anxiously Jack took off his pants and boxers, lying backwards.  He held the back of her head, moaned and twisted as she licked and sucked on him. His hips bucked and thrust upwards.  

-------------------

Present Day, Again

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed Rin. Tongue pushed inside of her, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered,  just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me?”

Rin took a moment to think.  He wasn’t drowning anymore.  She could push that old feeling out of her third eye and bury herself in new ones.  She took a hold of her shirt and tossed it on the floor.  She took the erection that twiced against her thigh and held it just outside of her pulsating and ready sex.  With hands that sunk into her vunerable skin, Jack buried himself inside of her. 

That fire from Emma all that time ago poured from Jack’s body into hers.  It pushed back the water as he pumped rhythmically into Rin.  Building into a frenzy quickly, his pelvis crashed into hers before she could really come around to what was happening.  It briefly conquered the fears from before; caused hot tears to spring to her eyes that flowed uncontrolled down her cheeks.

In his fervor, Jack noticed and bent to kiss them away.  The gesture she had made that first time, a thumb brushed across her cheek and lower lip as he slowed his pace. Wren,” he took to calling her that tentatively.  “What is it?”

Before she could answer, Jack became distracted by something in the corner of the room.  Eyes passed between Rin and whatever it was that she couldn’t fathom or see.  She took his chin and focused it on her as they crashed together and apart again in another wave of building friction. It was too late though, he had abruptly pulled out and away from her. 

“NO!  STOP!  LEAVE ME ALONE!  CAN’T I HAVE ONE MOMENT OF FUCKING HAPPINESS WITHOUT ONE OF YOU LOOMING OVER ME LIKE A FUCKING PERV.”  He used fists to beat out a rhythm on his temples as he scurried to the corner of his bed with knees up to his chest.  

In the frenzy, Rin had been knocked to the floor.  Jerry had rushed in, he was never too far away just in case.  In a whirlwind, he picked Rin up with one hand and with the other attempted to intervene between Jack's fists and his head.  What could either of them do?  If attention was drawn to the room, surely the doctors would realize Jack had gone unmedicated for weeks.  Jerry’s eyes wide gestured towards Rin’s hands.  She shook her head, but Jack carried on.  

“Go on Jenny Wren, there has to be something your hands can do.  I’ll lose my job and you’ll be separated.  They’ll put him back in the Zoo.”  He was already yanking her arms forward and trying to remove her gloves before she could consent.

Rin knew The Zoo. It being rooms that could be monitored with two way mirrors.  You got a bed and a blanket.  They controlled when the lights came on and when they turned them off.  No privilege, no real structure.  They fed you, bathed you, and gave you “playtime” when they said.  No matter how you suffered from mental illness no one deserved that. She would never forgive herself.

“JERRY LET ME DO IT MYSELF!”  Rin bellowed if only to out yell Jack and his fit.  “Make her go away!  LEAVE ME ALONE” he cried underneath her.  Her hands free, she flexed them a few times before joining Jack on the bed.  She clutched his forearms and struggled to get a grip enough to pull them away from self-harm.  “JACK!  YOU HAVE GOT TO FUCKING STOP, MY DARLING.”  She slid her hands over his temples before he could punch them anymore.  She used the heels of her palms and pressed.  

It was immediate, the way her mind opened to him.  This time he was floating along the tide in a boat surrounded by what Rin could only guess were dead people.  They grabbed and tugged on Jack’s clothes.   Rin sat on the other side from him between two oars; she used one to swat at the ghosts who tried to pull them back in.  But there, walking along the surface, was a beautiful young woman.  Blonde hair flowed in waves down her back.  Sarah.

“You said we would be together, Jack.”  She was angry.  “That’s what you told him when he warned you I overdosed.  I survived that attempt, but not the second one.  Where is he Jack?  Why isn’t he here waiting for me?”

Jack stood up and the boat began to dangerously rock. Rin took his hand and he squeezed it in return.  He bellowed at the dead woman, “YOU SURVIVED AND HE MOVED ON.  I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BEING FUCKING STUPID, SARAH.  WHAT I TOLD YOU WAS MEANT TO EASE YOUR GUILT.  HE LOVED YOU.  YOU WERE SO LOVED.  HE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES.  YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE.  ALL OF YOU.  I’M FUCKING DONE.  MOVE ON.  GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.  I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE OF MY KIND.  AND FUCK OFF BILLY TOO, MATE.”

“Jack?”  Rin spoke softly.  The hands gripped her tight in place of him.  They started to pull her in with him because he was useless now.  He stood up to them for possibly the first time in twenty years.  They would take her instead then.  

Jack seized Rin’s body before she could go over in his place.  He held her fast and tight and shielded her from them.  “NO.  You don’t fucking get ANYONE I love.  Not Billy.  Not Emma.  Not Martin.  No Wren or Rin.  AND YOU DON’T FUCKING GET ME ANYMORE.”  He took the oar up in his free hand and swung it around the bodies in the water.  He jabbed it forward like a sword at Sarah still pacing the side of the boat.  “GO, SARAH.  HE’S WAITING FOR YOU.  I PROMISE THIS TIME”  Jack insisted and pleaded.

Then it was so silent it deafened both Jack and Rin as they clung to one another in the boat.  In a flash and explosion, they separated and landed back on the bed in the room in an institution.  Jerry panted and pawed at the two of them dazed and uncertain.  Jack blinked a handful of times with no recollection of what just took place in his head and Rin’s.  They never knew or remembered Rin had learned.

Jack scoured the room for any sign of Sarah or anyone else.  He rubbed his eyes a few times then sighed heavily.  “I.. I want to go back to my room now.”  It was matter of fact.  

Jerry nodded and helped him back into his clothes.  Jack stumbled a bit but managed to kiss Rin sweetly before being led away and down the hall.  Rin knew Jerry would probably give him something to help him sleep at least for the night and probably into tomorrow.  She was afraid Jack had woken up a second time.  Not just from his nightmare of the last twenty years, but whatever happened between them.  It was a price she had to pay sometimes when she helped.  There was something Rin longed to say earlier.  What made her cry was an ember somewhere deep inside of Jack that he had never experienced before.  For the first time in his life, he had hope.

[adarlingsnightmare]

Chuuya Nakahara Yandere Alphabet

Anonymous said:

Sounds good! How about the alphabet for chuuya? :3c 

accidentally posted this to my main blog after writing a huge apology for my lack of posting :/ i keep doing that unfortunately. anyways, ive had a full week exams which is why i havent been posting. im extremely tired and stressed but i will try to get more requests done this week, though i have another week of exams. i do apologise, but itll be over soon. i hope you enjoy anon, this short bastard is one of my favs. <3

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Chuuya would gladly smother you in endless kisses and cuddles, but if you tell him to back off, he'll stick to just having an arm around you (because god forbid he isn't touching you in one way or another). You'll often hear him whispering how much he absolutely adores you when he thinks you're asleep, and when you're visibly awake he'll be showering you in compliments.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Oh, Chuuya will undoubtedly do whatever it takes to keep you safe, even if that results in bloody murder. He's in the mafia after all, what's a little blood on his hands, especially in the name of love?

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Chuuya would only mock you if you consistently failed to escape or were getting punished by him. Otherwise, he is generally loving and as romantic as possible. He will always make sure you're eating and sleeping properly, snapping at you if you refuse to eat as he gets awfully worried about you sometimes.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling's will?

No, not really. The only instances where something's against his darlings will is when he's punishing them. Other than that, it's mainly abduction and the lack of freedom to talk to people.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Chuuya confides in his darling, and will show a side of himself that no one else ever sees. He'll ask for advice on work matters and will constantly seek love and reassurance from his darling. While outwardly he may still appear tough and cocky, he's really soft for you.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He would be pretty irritated and though he'd never admit it, quite hurt. Why can't you just love him, goddamnit?! He'll try not to hurt you too much, but if you're not backing down he will use force to get you to stop.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Chuuya doesn't enjoy it in the slightest. His love for you isn't some 'game' and seeing you try to escape both infuriates and saddens him. All he truly wants is to be a happy, normal couple so your refusal to love him is not something he enjoys.

Hell: What would be their darling's worst experience with them?

Chuuya isn't always fully aware of how strong he actually is, especially when he uses Corruption and becomes out of control. This can lead to a terrifying situation where you're worried for your life as a monster in your boyfriend's body goes on a rampage and destroys everything around him. It rarely happens, as Chuuya really doesn't want to hurt you, but when it does it's a living nightmare.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Honestly, Chuuya doesn't really know what kind of future he wants for him and his darling, but ideally you two would move to some beautiful island — somewhere in the Caribbean, maybe? — get married, possibly start a family and live out the rest of your days in bliss.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Luckily, Chuuya isn't insanely possessive and doesn't lash out just because you looked at someone else, but he is paranoid. He has to keep you away from other people because, what if they attempt to hurt you? The only instance where he would genuinely become jealous is if Dazai was involved. This is when you'll see his full yandere side come out and it will be extreme: locking you up in highly secure room, restraining you, putting tracking devices in everything you own, anything to ensure your safety. If you were to show an interest in Dazai, whether platonic or even worse, romantic, his paranoia and jealousy would spike up tenfold — essentially guaranteeing you'll never see the light of day again.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Chuuya is generally really loving and calm towards his darling, still messing with them and lovingly calling them an idiot, but always so soft when speaking. However, if you were to be a brat, his rougher, more 'mafia' side would make an appearance— any soft words of reassurance thrown out the window.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

The 'traditional' way: flirting with you, taking you out on fancy dates and gifting you jewellery and flowers. He may seem smooth but he usually has to ask people (Kouyou) or the internet for advice on how to win someone's affections. He's also very observant to what you're interested in, so if you mention preferring movies to fancy dinners, that's where your next date will be.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Yes, but in a good way. Instead of being his 'tough executive' persona, when he's around you, he'll reveal a much sweeter and softer side of himself. He's also surprisingly affectionate, taking every opportunity to be as close to you as possible.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Chuuya doesn't generally plan out punishment, he tends to go into a fit of rage and attack you with whatever is nearest. Usually it results in you being choked, slammed repeatedly against the floor or him almost breaking your ribs with his foot. Once he's calmed down is when he will decide on a proper punishment, such as keeping you restrained to the bed, taking away certain privileges or maybe if you've really done something bad... a more permanent solution will be used.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

As long as his darling was relatively compliant, Chuuya's only real restriction would be the ability to go outside alone without the safety of his watchful eye. Of course, if you betrayed his trust, any hint of freedom you had previously would be stripped away.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Chuuya tries to be patient, he really does, but he's just so hotheaded that he often ends up snapping at his darling whenever they act up in the slightest.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

To put it simply: no. No one else can make Chuuya feel this way, and without his wonderful darling, he feels distanced from the world. It is likely he would continue working for the Port Mafia (unless they were involved in your escape/death), a mere shell of his former self only existing to serve the mafia rather than actually living.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Chuuya would feel a small amount of guilt if he had to kidnap you, but his belief that it's necessary for your protection would overrule the guilt. He would absolutely never let you go, you're like the anchor that keeps him human; he cannot lose you.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Like Dazai, Chuuya feels almost inhuman, like he is a foreigner in someone else's body, yet when he brushed hands with you, he felt something real. This is what drives him to get to know you: the desperation to be human. The more he spends time with you, the more this feeling increases — leading him to be unable to just allow you to leave him. Ironically, he becomes less human the more time he devotes to you.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Chuuya really doesn't like seeing you upset, and it hurts his heart having to punish you when you're so upset, but some things are just a necessary evil. If you've done something he considers to be really bad, he will be apathetic to your tears, believing you deserve whatever you're suffering.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Unlike a lot of yanderes, Chuuya does respect your boundaries to a degree, and won't force you to do anything you really protest against (aside from letting you go, of course).

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Chuuya has to leave for work nearly everyday, so if you're smart and able to break locks, you have a fairly good chance of escaping. However, even if you do escape, Chuuya will find you again, and he won't take the betrayal lightly.

Wit's end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Chuuya has a pretty short temper, especially when it comes to the safety of his darling, so if you persistently tried to escape or "put yourself in danger" (interacting with Dazai, refusing food), he may snap. As stated previously, he doesn't enjoy your pain, but sometimes it's necessary to get you to listen.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Despite his sometimes arrogant nature, Chuuya sees his darling as on an entirely separate level to himself. He practically worships you, though he doesn't always like to show it (he's got to keep up his tough guy persona after all) and would gladly do anything you asked. His loyalty to you is even able to override his loyalty to the Port Mafia.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Chuuya would make an effort to woo you, buying you flowers and taking you out on fancy dinners, hoping that you'll end up wanting to be in a relationship with him. He'll vehemently deny being so desperate to be with you, but it's pretty obvious he's hopelessly in love. If you were to continuously reject his advances, he may eventually end up kidnapping you, but only if he thought you were in danger (or that another person was making a move on you).

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

If he did end up breaking you, it wouldn't be intentional. All Chuuya wants is your unconditional love and affection, but he can get desperate if you're not showing it and will make you say how much you love him, even if you have to be put through hell to achieve it.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hiiii it's me again😂❤️ Can I have a ff where Artie Is at Arkham and it's his last day in. and x Reader comes to pick him up from the hospital🥺 and they go home together, and as always if you want to add some cuddles or She helps Artie to take a warm bath🥺 It would be nice

Oh my dear friend, thank you so much for the request. It was a very emotional ride and very intimate to write. I hope with all my heart that you will like it. Love you so much!

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

The moment the door opened you felt your heart crumble. That heavy, white door with the tiney window. He must have stared at this window for so many nights.

The bed was empty. For a second you feared that he broke out of the hospital. If that was the case they would find him and lock him up again. Way longer than last time. The thought of being seperated from him for another few weeks or months seemed unbearable. Looking back at the last weeks without him made you wonder how you managed to stay sane yourself. The empty bed, the stillness of his  empty apartment...it felt like the walls were closing in on you. Night for night was spent on his couch, alone, trying to remember his skin on yours, pressing his pillow close to your face to smell the remains of his sweat and shampoo that got caught up in the soft fabric.

He was missing from you like a part of your very own body. And now you`re gonna get your missing part back. Taking it home with you. Filling his apartment with love again.

Your eyes searched for him. That room. Standig between these four walls made you feel snowblind. All the white. Even Arthur was dressed in white.  The only contrast was his dark hair .

Arthur was sitting in the corner of the room. Crumbled up on the floor, like a piece of paper. Like a love letter that wasn`t well written enough to send it, so the writer just formed it into a ball and threw it across the room.

But you wanted to read it. Every sentence. Every letter. You wanted to take that page and uncrumble it. Make it readable again, to realize how beautifully written it actually was. Poetry. The purest form there ever was.

Arthur was the poem who remained unnoticed. Unseen by so many. Even by the ones who wrote him.

The doctor kept looking at you, talked about last night and how Arthur kept whimpering your name. But all you could do was focusing on that one curls that fell to Arthurs forehead. His head was hanging heavy on his shoulders. He looked downwards.

"Artie, darling? I`m here. " you got up to him to knee on the ground.

Arthur finally lifted his head. The circles under his eyes darkened  since you saw him two days ago. He looked exhausted as you gently stroke his hair. A tired smile crossed his sad eyed face. His curls felt greasy like he didnt washed it for at least a week.

"You look tired, darling"

Arthur tried to get up but he seemed so much weaker than he was when he got here.

"Im so tired, Y/N. I`m so very tired." He sat down on the floor again "You`re really here aren`t you?"

"I am.  Its your last day. I will take you home with me now".

Arhur started to cry "Can you please hug me. I need to feel that this is real. I want to hug you but....I can`t"

It was now that you realized that he was still in his handcuffs.

You wrapped your arms around him so tight you felt his ribcage poking you. Silent tears fell from his eyes onto your shoulders.  "I missed you so much, Arthur. I was so incompleate without your breath on my neck at night. "

He nodded, unable to answer. He just cried.

"Cry, sweetheart.its okay let it all out. It`s over now. You can go home with me. No more lonely night in this cold room. We`re gonna go home now and I`m gonna make you a nice, hot bath before we disappear under the sheets.

The doctor looked at you with disguise "A hot bath sounds like a plan. Mr Fleck refused to take a shower for 9 days straight. "

You didnt liked the tone in her voice.

"Why is he still wearing his handcuffs anyway?" you asked.

"Because you can never know with him." The doctor replied, giving him a dirty look.

You wanted to tell her how damn rude she was but you kept silent to not risk anything.

"And he refused to eat,too. We actually thought he wated to starve himself to death in here. Which is illegal."

The anger inside of you grew with every word she said, but you concentrated on Arthur and supported him to get up. "C`mon, darling. We`re gonna leave this place now."

Arthur once again fell into your arms, desperately trying to touch you with his cuffed hands. You held his fingers  inside your fist "You`ll feel better soon, I promise."

The doctor took a step closer and got the keys to unlock the handcuffs. "Goodbye, Mr. Fleck. " her voice sounded cold and heartless. You noticed her taking a step back as Arthur looked up to starte into her eyes. Almost like she was afraid of him. How could anyone be afraid of him?

Arthur didnt answer. The second his hands were free he hugged you with his whole body. So tight it felt like you shared the same jumpsuit. He held your face between his hands. They were as gentle as always. The most gently hands in the world. He seemed different. But still the same. His fingertips stroke your face, your cheekbones and nose, your chin. "I missed touching you, Y/N. Oh, I need to touch you so bad. "  The intensivity of his eyes never left, even when he looked as tired as  he did now. He was so touch starved. Just as you.

"Not in here, Mr Fleck. You know the rules." The doctors voice really got on your nerves. Did she had any idea how hard it was not being able to share your love ? Did she even knew how it felt to be in love? To be forced to leave your other half behind? At a mental hospital?

You both ignored her, touching each others faces "I missed the taste of you" he breathed upon your mouth, right before your lips met. Arthur kissed you with all that was within him. His mouth was dry from all the medication. His lips cracked.  But his kiss was full of love and admiration for you. Full of longing and pain.

Your fingers ran through his messy hair. It was getting even longer than usual. Almost reaching his shoulders.

"Please!" The doctor started to sound angry. "This is not allowed! You`ve got enough time in your hands when you`re out of this building".

Your lips parted again.

"Thats right Dr. Finn. Goodbye." you grabbed Arthurs hand and lead him out of the room.

Before you left Arkham Arthur was lead into the changing room, where he got rid of his white clothing. He looked so much more like himself when he got back. His brown cardigan made him look softer than ever before. He touched the soft, worn out fabric of it, convincing himself that this was all real. Grounding.

It felt good to leave this bulding which became his second home after so many years of being in and out. A home that felt more like a prison since there was someone waiting for him outside these walls.

The whole way home  on the tram Arthur rested his head on your shoulder, closing his eyes. He needed sleep.

"I havent slept for days" he whispered while you sqeezed his hand. "I couldnt close an eye without you by my side. Even the sleeping pills couldnt help."

"We`re gonna make you rest as soon as we get home, Artie."

Artur almost drifted off into sleep on the ride home. Leaning on your shoulder was enough to make him feel save enough to get sleepy.

When you arrived home you took off his sweater and pants "You`re freezing, baby."

"I know."

"Do you still want to take a bath before going to bed?"

"Yeah...please! I feel kinda... dirty".

You kissed his forehead and handed him a bathrobe "Put this on while the water is still running. It will keep you warm. I will make you some soup, okay? You gotta eat something,too."

Arthur nodded "Okay. But...I`m afaraid my stomach cant hold it. They gave me some new meds and it was getting worse again. "He looked ahamed as you walked into the kitchen to boil some water. "Dont worry, Artie. We`ll go slowly. But we have to try. I wont let you go to bed with an empty stomach today. It must have been days since you had eaten something. "

Arthur followed you into the kitchen. He needed to be near you every second. He looked so lost in his bathrobe. So helpless.

"Alright, the soup will be  done when you finished bathing. " you smiled. Arthur mirrored your smile and followed you  back into the bathroom. He stil walked like he had his handcuffs on, which was a sad thing to wittness.

Arthur froze when you helped him out of his bathrobe and into the bathtub. He was even skinnier than usual. His body looked like he was close to a break down. His shoulderbone seemed like it was about to burst through his fragile skin. He`s got some small bruises on his wrists and his tummy was sucked in.

The warm water felt like an embrace as he let himself sink into it. He immediately closed his eyes and awaited your touch.

"I`m so gald to be home" he mumbled as you started to shampoo his sweaty hair. Washing his beautiful curls always felt very intimate to you. You had a thing for his hair. Every strain of it was holy to you. Every curl a poem.

You noticed a small wound on his forehead as you tried not to let the shampoo run into his eyes. "You`re hurt"

"I know. It was my fault. I did it to myself. I`m sorry if I disappoint you"

"Artie, you could never disappoint me. Do you hear me?"

He nodded.

"I love you more than anything, Arthur"

"My whole life I never loved anything else" he replied.

You stopped washing his hair for a second to lean in to kiss him. The warm water dripped down his forehead. You tasted his shampoo upon your lips.

He was home with you.

Life was sweet.

You took the sponge and washed away the pain and loneliness. Every bad memory, every sleepless night at Arkham. You washed it all way. Watching the pain dissappear in his eyes.

Arthurs musicles started to relax under your  tender touch. Even his tense tummy.

He was thankful for all the attention, the love. A smile crossed his face after he got out of the bathtub. You hugged him while he was still naked.

"You feel better now, sweetheart?"

" A lot, Y/N. Thank you. I`m trying to eat some soup now. Just for you!"

"Thats great, Artie. lets do it" you handed him oneof his sweaters. "Um....can I have....would you let me wear one of yours? " he asked with his little voice.

"Of course, Arthur. Oh god, sure. Wait I will get you one!"

A minute later you came back with your fave sweater. Arthur slipped into it like it was his.

"Thank you so much. Its so comortig to wear your clothes".

"Anytime, baby" you got the bowl of soup.

Arthur sat down on the couch. He didnt even asked for a cigarette.

You noticed his eyes watering.

"Whats wrong, Artie?"

"I`m afraid I might throw up. I`ll be so embarassing."

You took the spoon and put it to his lips "There is no reason to be ashamed. The important thing is to try. If you have to throw up its okay. "

"I threw up at Arkham and they yelled at me"

"I´m not gonna yell at you."

"I know....I know that." he whispered.

Arthur swallowed after you fed him the first spoon.

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"Another?"

"Yeah"

You fed him three spoons of soup until he was close to spit it out again.

"Its okay, baby. Take your time. We`ve got all the time in the world to make you eat."

"Thank you so much, Y/N. I dont know what I would do without you."

Arthur waited five minutes until he was ready for another four spoons.

"I´m proud of you, Arthur. Really. You`re doing great.

"Thank you Y/N. For helping me with that. I think thats all I can eat for today. But maybe....tomorrow. Or later when I wake up. Maybe you can leave the bowl of soup next to my bed"

"Sure, darling." You kissed the corner of his mouth and placed the bowl on the table.

"Try to get some sleep now. I`ll be right here with you".

Arthur layed down on the couch as you joined him.

His huge blanket covered both of your bodies.

"Finally" he muttered, pulling you close to his heart, burying his face in the crook of your neck, kissing it gently as he breathed you in.

The familiar smell of his own sheets helped him relax.

"Y/N?"

"Yes Arthur?"

"Would you....like...sing me to sleep or something?"

"Of course,my love"

Arthur closed his tired eyes as your voice quietly echoed through apartment 8J.

"The moon is a silver dollar shining up in the sky

There is a dream we can buy.

Sweetheart you and I

The moon is a silver dollar

Made for lovers to share

And with you in my arms

I`m a millionaire

Our care in troubles

Will all be small change

Someday they all change

Into a dream come true

The moon is a silver dollar

What a glorious sight

Lets invest at him love

Tonight"

---

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @cherrymoon75 @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos

[7wanderingpaws]

Simply, Yours. (5)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre: family AU, hapkido teacher AU

Word count: 3.1K

Warnings: cursing

a/n: Finally I am updating this little story! I havent updated it in a long while for which I apologise, it wasnt my intention :( But there will be a slight twist in their “planned” pregnancy so... I cant wait to have a little fun 😁  I am always eager to hear your opinions.🙌 Stay safe!

MASTERLIST

PARTS: 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5

This time, Baekhyun was the first one to be awake. Stirring a little bit around, he turned to his right side where your back was facing him, your hair splayed out on the pillow like a wild willow tree.

Scurrying a little closer, he brought his pillow to yours, his arm finding your sweet middle as he breathed in your fresh scent. He really liked moments like these, when the sun had yet to rise, the clock had yet to struck 6 and  you had yet to wake up, while he could just indulge in looking at you without being interrupted by anything or anyone.

Plus, the fact that few days had already passed since both you and him found out about your state did not mean he got used to the idea of suddenly three people occupying this bed. What a miracle, he thought. What a blessing.

Baekhyun carefully maneuvered himself out of the bed, his feet gently tapping on the wooden floor as he tiptoed to your side to turn off your alarm clock. He wanted to be the one to surprise you and wake you up with healthy breakfast in bed before both of you would have to head out to your work places.

Today he had a hapkido class with university students and as much as he loved the class, he just wanted to spend time with you.

He was just in the middle of pouring thick and rich pumpkin porridge into the last bowl when he heard you open the bedroom door.

“Baekhyun, what are you doing up so early?” you murmured, your voice low and heavy. “Sorry, it seems like I forgot to turn on the alarm clock. I would have done the breakfast myself,” you continued walking to his side to take the big pot out of his hand so that you could do it instead of him.

Baekhyun continued his job, not budging once at your prying hands. “Why are you up if your alarm clock didn't go off? I worked so hard this morning to turn off your alarm, and yet here you are beating the nature clock.”

“You turned off my alarm?” you asked, surprised.

“Of course I did!” exclaimed Baekhyun, as he put the pot back down on the stove and reached for the drawer to take out two spoons. “Now go back to bed, we have a breakfast to eat and you still owe me a face of surprise when I bring the food in,” he said, preoccupied with putting the bowls on the tray.

You held back the giggle that was threatening to spill at his antiques. “Alright, let me just pee real quick.”

By the time you were back, Baekhyun was bouncing on the bed, eagerly waiting for both of you to indulge in the hot porridge that was one of your favourites. You made sure to look completely taken aback when you sat down on the bed, giving him a loud peck on the cheek before making yourself comfortable. “You know this is the food we have after a hangover,” you murmured, taking a big spoonful and swallowing it in one.

“Oho, slow down, hungry cub. You will get a tummy ache if you eat so fast,” scolded Baekhyun gently, making you smile.

“Yes, chef.”

He gave you a wink. “And anyway. You love this porridge, might as well please your taste buds.”

You nodded, devouring a spoonful after another until you were done before him. And that rarely ever happened. “Done!”

he shook his head at you, trying to swallow the last bids of his porridge.

“Look at me! I rock today,” you laughed loudly when he pouted.

“It isn't fair,” he whined, putting down his spoon into now an empty bowl. “I am alone while you guys are two!”

Your laughter halted, melting into an endearing smile. Warmth spread through your insides. “I don't think its the matter yet,” you responded. “It has long way to grow for me to eat for two, you know?”

“No, it doesn't. It still counts.”

Rolling your eyes at him, you reached over the tray to mess up his bed hair. “Alright, whatever you say, mister. Still does not change the fact that I win for today, ha! And now, you better hurry, you need to be at the university in an hour!”

“First a kiss,” he demanded, crossing his arms on his chest.

Smiling, you pressed your lips to his warm ones, tasting the porridge. 

“Love you,” he murmured.

Once Baekhyun was out the door, you rushed to prepare for your work only to end up with your head in the toilet, throwing up all the porridge and more. 

____

You made it your absolute, utmost priority to keep your blessed state as far away from the workplace as possible. Not only was it all so fresh and new, but you also needed to wait till the first trimester was over to be 100% sure the pregnancy was safe and actually happening. Besides, you would lose your job immediately if your boss as much as whifs a baby around you. Thankfully, he was not the smartest man, as much as he insisted himself.

It only got proven when he called you into his office few days later, his meaty index finger pointing at the contract in front of him. It was a deal between yours and a Chinese company, but it was written in English. “I am sure there was a mistake on their side,” he mumbled, frustration slowly, but surely boiling in his facial features as he was gripping the piece of paper. He chuckled bitterly. “And they think I wouldnt find out? Just who do they think they are? I find out everything,” he seethed through gritted teeth as he suddenly snapped his eyes up at you, catching you off guard in the process.

You winced, taking a cautious step back, trying not to give too much attention to the meaning behind his words. “Sir, I believe this is correct,” you tried to explain gently, “the deal does not have any mistakes in English, we have already skimmed through it.”

He frowned. “But the calculations aren't correct. There should be one more zero.”

As calmly as you possibly could, you explained to him that he, indeed, bought much more than he actually thought. Making business was not always rainbows and unicorns, and today this fact seemed to dawn on your boss. “You were in a conference call last week,” you kept reminding him, “and because they offered you a good deal, you decided to buy more. Therefore you had to pay more, and we received less.”

He snatched the paper out of your small hands and gave you an ugly stare. “Whatever. I know my things,” he mumbled, turning his face back to the table.

“That is my job, sir.”

He whipped his head back at you again, but you only bowed at him politely, turning to walk out of his office when he started: “I still haven't scolded you for lying to me.”

Raising your head from your bow, you looked at him with worried eyes. “Lied to you, sir?”

He scoffed. “You lying about having a boyfriend was not the best move. Even if it is a white lie, I don't want any of it in my office. Nor in this company.”

You nodded, fully aware and guilty. You saw this coming sooner or later.

“And,” he started, giving you a side-look. “You plan on getting married?”

Holding back your breath, you knew you could reply to him truthfully. “No. Definitely not anytime soon anyway. As you know, it is a pricey matter.”

“Well, if you keep up the good work here, you might be able to save some money for such occasion,” he replied, his poker face giving you a slight unease. “Besides, I'm sure your handsome boyfriend would earn loads with that face of his.”

To that, you did not want to reply. Baekhyun, indeed, was a handsome man. This was a fact ever since you got to really know him back in the high school days, when he already graduated but still would sometimes visit your school for physical work around the building. The girls would be drooling and swooning in the big hallway windows during break, but he saved his handsome boyish smiles only for you,  always giving you a wink that would swoosh away the unwanted company of other girls.

When your boss realised he wouldn't get an answer from you, he ended the conversation on a very straight-forward note. “Whatever. Just don't get pregnant with him. Or anyone. No pregnancy in this company.”

-

It has been a few weeks later that the battle with the rollercoaster of your emotions had gone downward. There were still no direct signs of a small human being inside of you, but oh my goodness, were your hormones and emotions acting up. Tired of constantly puking your guts out on the morning, then rushing to work, dealing with the moody bastard of a boss, being either desperate for Baekhyun's touch or just plain hating his presence in the same room was driving you up the wall. 

Countless times you ended up bawling your eyes out in the bathroom in your work, or in the shower at home, because you didn't see a way out of this. Plus, the stress of accidentally revealing your pregnancy even to the ever-so-kind Sukyeong left you with a heavy soul. You needed to talk to someone of your age, you needed some help but your own independent self couldn't as much as think of such an option.

Another issue was scaring Baekhyun away from you and him leaving you alone in this mess that HE created… No, scratch that. Your slight change in weight made you feel so utterly unattractive that you were trying not to physically shudder whenever he complimented you about your looks. And the poor boy hadn't even a clue about your internal turmoil.

You sighed.

“You look freaking gorgeous, love.”

He said it again. And he meant it, he honestly did. You saw it in his eyes.

Being now almost past the first trimester, you and Baekhyun were both dressing up for your scheduled ultrasound at the doctor's. Although you were a bit nervous, you were thankful Baekhyun was always there throughout each check-up you had. And yet, here you were pissed at him, but you said nothing.

“Are you alright?” he asked you carefully, knowing how your mood could change within a nanosecond. He came closer to you as you were standing in front of the mirror you had in your tiny bedroom.

Swallowing harshly, you nodded, but did not look into his eyes. Ever so gently, through your tight dress, you saw a gentle baby bump. It could easily be covered up (and you did passionately cover it up for work) but it was there. Solid. A prove that it was real.

“Do we want to know the gender, honey?” asked Baekhyun gently, as he made another step closer to you and he let his hands hold your hips before his wide palms ever-so slowly slid over your stomach where he let them rest. Then his chin came resting on your shoulder as he turned his face to give you a gentle kiss to your neck.

You heart-rate picked up and it wasn't because of the high blood pressure you had been experiencing recently. “I don't know,” you whispered looking at him through the reflection in the mirror, “do we?”

This topic has been on your mind for the longest time. Do you want to be surprised? Or do you want to be prepared? Surely, in the nature of the village life, the answer would be an immediate: yes, we do want to know. Poor villagers always wanted certainty, and it was only understandable. But maybe this unpredictable city life of Seoul made you more adventurous. You might have not wanted to know.

He hummed, the vibrations in his chest sending electric shocks down your spine, causing you to squirm in his arms. He let out an amused laugh through his nose before he whispered into your ear: “So sensitive, my love.”

“You fucking tease,” you glowered, but leaned back into him.

He gasped softly and squeezed your body. “Now there, sweet cheeks, we do not swear with a baby inside of you.”

“Then stop teasing, love” you snapped back and he laughed now with an open mouth. “You know exactly what you are doing. You're sneaky.”

“Sure I am. You know me, hun. And now back to the point,” he emphasized, and you rolled your eyes but smiled anyways. “I don't mind if we get surprised. But if you want the gender to be revealed, I am supporting that as well.”

You nodded as you held his hands on your belly, letting your fingers caress the top of his knuckles. “Alright,” you said, nodding. “I think I will, ehm, see how I feel once we are there?”

He hummed in approval before he turned his head again, waiting for you to turn your face to see him. So you did. And then he gave you the sweetest smile of support before he leaned in and gave you a breathtaking kiss, ending it with a loud smack. “Shall we go then?”

-

Usually it was always an uncomfortable experience to sit in the waiting room of your doctor with other pregnant ladies. When you weren't pregnant, you felt so out of place, despite you having an active lovemaking life. That was why you were sitting there, right? Even at those times, Baekhyun was going with you, just because he wanted to be responsible and also to support you. He knew how much the village ladies didn't go for regular check-ups.

So now, sitting there with your tiny belly as your hands were intertwined with your boyfriend, it was a completely different feeling. You were still shy to as much as lie on that stupid chair, let alone spread your legs in front of a stranger - even though it was a woman and a doctor. But now it just felt right. You were eager. Excited. Happy. Curious. And Baekhyun felt your excitement as your knee was bouncing up and down. He was excited as well. The sparkle in his eyes was proving it.

Once finally inside, you both took a seat opposite your doctor, who gifted you with a kind smile as she also took a seat and skimmed through your papers. “The lovely couple I could never forget,” she noted, briefly looking at you and Baekhyun before diving back into your records. “And the unplanned baby. So!” she exclaimed, folding quickly the papers before she rested her laced hands down on the table. “Any abnormalities?” she looked at you, obviously expecting you to answer her questions.

Squeezing Baekhyun's hand under the table, you shrugged, not sure if what you were about to say was an abnormality. “Crazy mood swings. Emotions are a mess. Throwing up is still on, but thankfully not so often… And my boobs hurt,” you mumbled the last sentence, looking at your hand engulfed in Baekhyun's, a slight blush creeping up your cheeks. This time Baekhyun squeezed your hand, although you didn't notice the affectionate look he sent your way. You dared to look up when you heard the doctor laugh.

“Those are all completely normal signs. Is your blood pressure still acting up?” she asked and as she was waiting for your reply she turned in her chair and grabbed the little machine. “I will check it now.”

You nodded but Baekhyun answered for you. “She had a couple of dizzy moments, but it wasn't as severe.”

The doctor nodded and checked you up, writing down the final results. “It's normal today. But if it will get too high, you need to go to the hospital. You know that, right?”

Not the happiest with her advice, you nodded.

“Good,” she replied cheerfully. “Any questions before we start the ultrasound?”

You were just about to shake your head when your boyfriend cleared his throat, stopping you from doing the action. You gave him a wary look, and he squeezed your hand again when he spoke: “How is it with, eh, sex? As the baby is growing, we are not sure how far we can go or if we should even do it. And I wouldn't want to hurt my girlfriend or the baby...” he trailed off, his ears growing pink. You felt your heart swell with love for him as you smiled like a little high school student.

“Oh my god, please do have sex,” replied your doctor, her eyes worried as she gestured with her hand to you. “She might not be showing it, but the sexual frustration can get out of hand, to put it nicely,” she continued, her stance confident. “Paying attention to your pregnant lady is very important in every phase of pregnancy and it is completely safe. Of course, around the due date you might want to be more careful, however it does not necessarily affect the baby in any way, so there is no need to worry, Baekhyun. It is more than healthy,” she laughed loudly, making you and Baekhyun giggle in the meantime.

“Any more questions? No? Good! Then let's get to it,” she clapped her hands, swiftly getting up from her chair and walking to the bed where you lied down, now familiar with the process. Baekhyun was sitting on a chair just where your head was, and he ran his fingers through your hair, giving you a reassuring smile while you tried not wince at the cold gel touching your hot skin covering your stomach.

“So do we want to find out the gender?” she asked as she spread the gel evenly, now digging into your tummy while she was already looking at the screen.

You contemplated quickly but before you could answer the doctor cut through: “Or do you want to know how many babies you would have?” she asked, but her voice was light but a bit unfocused as she stared at the screen. 

Not seeing Baekhyun's frown, he asked: “What do you mean?”

It was silent for a little longer, your doctor going through the same trail on your belly again, probably to double check whatever she saw there. Letting out a tiny laugh, she turned to look at your puzzled looks. “Well, this is fantastic!” she exclaimed and for some strange reason you had a feeling this might not be the best news, nor the news you were expecting when you were coming there. So when she uttered the next words, you felt your world crumbling down on you, and this time you could be sure Baekhyun wasn't as confident either. “You are expecting triplets!”

[inspriredlyuninspired]

The Stalker 

Part 5 

Modern!Ivar x Curvy!Reader. Able-bodied!Ivar, Dark!Ivar. 

Warnings: Swearing, fighting, stalking, panic attack.  

Summary: Y/n finds out who Ivar is, she is terrified that her life is in danger. She does not know if she should bring it up now. But she feels uneasy. 

Word count: 2,025

Third Person POV 

Y/n’s eyes went wide when she saw the door start to open. She looked behind her for signs of Ivar, but she could hear him still in the kitchen. She quickly slides into the office, closing the door behind her. 

She tuns the lights on and looks around, it just looks like a normal office, the nerves in her stomach went away when she went over to the bookshelf looking through the thousands of books he seemed to have. She was about to leave, felling stupid for being suspicious. However, something caught her eye on top of his desk, there was a picture of her. 

The nerves started to grow again, she walked over and gently picked it up. It was a picture of her on a run. 

‘How the hell did he get this?’ She thought. She saw multiple envelopes labeled, “My Little Dove”. She knew those letters were about or for her. She saw a stack of papers about Danish exports, ‘oh great one thing he didnt actually lie to me about’ she thought. 

Luckily she didn’t look through those papers, a picture of her was hidden in there. One night Y/n was changing in front of her window, Ivar thought he had hit the jackpot. Seeing her in just her bra and panties made hime go wild, that picture was tucked away for safe keeping. 

Y/n walked around the desk, and a gasp left her lips. She saw a board with an astonishing amount of pictures of her on it. She looked through them all, she doesnt understand how he got these, unless he had taken them himslef.

At the bottom corner of the board a small piece of paper with the words 

“one day i’ll be your man, not your stalker”

Y/n felt her chest tightening up, she couldnt breath. She could feel the panic attack coming. Thinking of what Ivar could want with her. ‘Does he want to hurt me? Kill me? Kidnap me?’ her thoughts quickly went from what he was going to do to her, to ‘Everyone in my life wants to hurt me. My parents, every friend i ever had and now my first boyfriend.’ She felt betrayed, Ivar had finally made her feel wanted and accepted. When everyone told her something was wrong with you, he told her he was proud of her for what she overcame. 

Y/n quickly left the room and walked into Ivar’s room. Her breathing was so fast paced but, she couldn’t get enough air to her lungs. Her knees buckled and she was now curled up on the groun in the fetal position, trying to calm herself, she was too in her head she did not even hear Ivar calling for her. 

Ivar callled for her but when she didn’t respond he skipped down the hallway looking fo her. 

“Y/n! Little dove its time for dinner! Are you all ready for some movies and cuddles because i know i am-Y/N!” he quickly ran to her side. 

“Little dove what’s wrong?” he was s confused, she was totally fine when he left her to shower. With her hair still being damp he did not think that she had left his room yet, let alone that she found out the biggest secret that he has ever needed to keep. 

“i--i-- ca-can-can’t Bre-breathe” Ivar immediately recognized that she was having a panic attack. He scooped her up into his arms and held her there, close to him. He had read that holding someone having a panic attack can help. After a while it did help, her breathing returned to normal. 

The strength in her body was gone, otherwise she would have pushed herself off of him. She was laying on his chest as he ran his hand through her hair, his back was leaning against the foot of the bed. 

He moved her slightly, and stood up, following by picking her up. He wrapped her legs around his waist and she responded by wrapping her arms around his neck. She had a stone cold look on her face. ‘If he was going to kill me might as well not fight it’ she thought. 

But he was never going to hurt her, thats the part she did not know. 

“you need to get something in yout tummy little dove, lets eat and then we will lay down okay?” Ivar said, in a sweet little voice, not wanting to be overbearing in this delicate moment. All Y/n did was nod her head against his shoulder. 

He sat her down at the table, he sat down next to her. He began to eat but she couldnt bring herself to eat. She felt terrible for seeming ungreatful, he had cooked a beautiful meal and here she was pushing it around on her plate like a child. 

But finding out the man that is now your boyfriend has been stalking you for months tends to make you lose your appetite. 

“What is wrong baby? You havent eaten anything. Do you not like it?-” 

“No Ivar its wonderful. Thank you, i was just in my head thats all.” she gave hime a fake smile and started to eat. Even though she had reason to not want to please him,  she never wanted anyone to feel bad for their kind act. She knows how that feels and wouldn’t wish it on her worst enemies. 

After they ate, Y/n offered to do the dishes so Ivar could shower. He pepered little kisses all over her face, she smiled at them, even let out a little giggle. But remebering the situation at hand her giggles went silent and her smile instantly went away. 

As she did the dishes, she thought of how she was going to bring this up to him, or what she was going to do. 

She was thinking of ways she could talk about this with him, while he was in the shower worrying about her. He knew that she dealt with anxiety but his heart broke seeing her like that. As well as seeing how much her anxiety attack took out of her, how it exhausted her, he wanted nothing more than to take that pain from her and deal with it for her. 

After he got out of the shower he threw on a pair of sweatpants and started making his way out to the kitchen to see her again. It had become habit to jiggle the handle of his office just to make sure its locked, but when he did it and saw it was unlocked his heart dropped to his stomach. 

She knew. She knew everything. ‘Why the fuck was the door not locked?’ He thought to himself.  

His heart was racing as he walked into the kitchen, he was going to let her bring it up first. If she hadn’t seen the pictures he didn’t want ot expose himself. 

“Hi little dove, thank you for cleaning the kitchen it looks beautiful.” 

He wrapped her arms around her and kissed her head, she didn’t melt into him like she normally did.

“lets go sit down and talk about what’s going on baby” He meant talking about her anxiety, but she had differrent plans.

They sat down, Ivar threw y/n’s legs over his lap and had a sweet smile looking at her. He thought that he was going to lose her, the same day that she became his. His world was crumbling to his feet. 

“Ivar, i have a question for you, and please be honest with me.” 

“of course baby, anything.” 

“Did you stalk me? im sorry i went into your office, im sorry for being nosy but then i saw a picture of me and then a lot more pictures and then letters for me, i didn’t read them i just saw “Litle Dove” on them and i assumed they were written to me, its just why did you do that.” she rambled because she was nervous, and she felt the tears formming in her eyes. 

Ivar let out a sigh, he never envisioned this happening. 

“yes, i did but i can explain.” 

“HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT IVAR?!?!” Y/n screamed, she stood up wanting to be away from him. 

“Little Dove please sit down so we can talk about this.”

“why should i? what do you want with me, if you want to kill me just do it already. Everyone who i think is going to be good in my life just wants to hurt me. so please get it over with.” 

“Y/N SIT THE FUCK DOWN.” Ivar screamed, Y/n jumped when she heard it. He had told her that he had anger issuses but she never thought that he would scream at her. She sat down not wanting to hear him yell again. 

Ivar felt bad for having to yell, he knew she was very sensitive to yelling because of her past. But he needed ot explain himslef for everything.

“Little Dove, i will never hurt you. That’s part of the reason i did it. I wanted to protect you, but you didn’t know me yet. I’m sorry that it happened like that. I saw you running and i thought you were the most beautiful person i have ever seen. I knew from that day that i had to make you mine. I just never had the courage to talk to you, i wanted to impress you. You know how i told you that i was hated as a child, by everyone. I would not be able to recover from you rejecting me. So i thought i would admire you from afar.” 

“Ivar that is no excuse for stalking me. My privacy feels invaded, i don’t know what you saw and what you haven’t. What do you know about me?”

“Well, almost everything.” 

Y/n nodded as the tears ran down her cheeks. Ivar looked down knowing that she was going to leave. 

“I know that i messed my chances with you completely up. I just want you i had no intntion of hurting you in any way. I wanted to protect you from anything that could hurt you. I wanted to be your guard dog, from your parents, from your personal battles. I have never met a person more perfect than you. Becasue i know you are going to leave, i just need you to know that i love you.” 

There were tears now streaming down his cheeks, he was losing the girl who made his life brighter, the most precious creature to him. 

“Ivar you made me feel valid for my feelings, and now i am questioning if that is genuine.”  “My feelings for you have always been genuine, everything i have said to you has been genuine-”

“How you weren’t showing me your office because it was dirty? what else do i need to know?” 

“Thats the only secret i have, i promise.” 

“its getting late i should probably go home.” Y/n said while staring to walk towards Ivar’s room. 

“Y/n please no, please don’t leave i cant lose you.” Ivar begged, he grabbed her hand and held it close to his heart. 

“Little dove, its storming really bad, please stay the night.” 

“fine. But do not touch me in bed.” Y/n crawled into bed and turned her back towards Ivar’s side of the bed. They laid there in complete silence, y/n facing the wall and Ivar looking at her. Neither of them could sleep. Not after the conversation that they just had. Ivar broke the silence by asking.

“Little dove? i have a question.” 

“what is it Ivar?” her voice was still innocent and sweet but she did sound like she was crying. 

“I have a family party this weekend, in Denmark. If you will come with me and just pretend that you like me, you can leave and press charges against me. I won't fight you on it.” 

“Okay, and for the record i don’t have to pretend that i have feelings for you. I am falling in love with you. That is what is making this so much harder for me.” 

To be continued.......

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius​ @lostgirl14480​

[sosodelicate]

I wanted to celebrate being alive momentarily this weekend, but one thing I noticed over this weekend left me wondering if the only value people have found in me is fucking me, or using me to clean and cook or labor in some manner for them.

I do not have the time/energy to cook, clean, take care of myself, work, run errands, & support my family all in the same day. Quite honestly I don’t feel like I will ever be enough to make the people I love happy. I don’t have the energy to do all the tasks I need to do without getting burned out, or if I run all the errands and complete tasks then I don’t have the energy to take care of myself. & every time I fail to do one of things then I feel worse about myself, but no one else is helping with these tasks daily currently so it’s quickly becoming overwhelming.

I swear I’m trying, but I can’t keep going indefinitely without help. It’d be a whole other thing if it was my housemates/partner asking me for help with things going on, but Im being expected to clean everything and cook meals and shop and be nice and work full time and everything with help from my partner on one or two days. Since I haven’t been able to cook after work/cleaning/picking up we’re buying take out a lot lately. Even though eating out was partially planned (it was just my birthday, & I took time off for it) it was more times than we had planned. I had offered to cook three meals last week (planned dinners out the rest of the time off), but they only let me cook once. Even though we bought ingredients for specific meals when we went grocery shopping, I was told not to make that because the other person in the house is picky- so we ate out. I just had it thrown in my face that I only cooked once since we went grocery shopping/my in-law left for visiting her family. I’m so exhausted, and everything I try isn’t good enough, and everything I don’t get to makes me a failure or lazy to everyone. I cant tell anymore if Im fucking up so badly all the time or if this isn’t right for people to react the way they do with me. I know Im not perfect but fuck I don’t want to be expected to do more just because I make less money than other people or I have a womb or whatever the reason is

I cannot be responsible for myself as is, let alone the pressure of being expected to pick up after/take care of other adults. I’ve been trying for the last gods forsaken year to not hospitalize myself because of the pandemic and concerns about getting sick because of being hospitalized. but as I’ve been vaccinated and I keep dealing with being expected to clean, cook, & work on days that I can barely manage to get out of bed or shower for less than an hour… I might. There have been safety concerns for a few years now (suicidal ideations, self harm) ; therapy, medications, coping mechanisms, etc havent helped. I feel like I need more, or something else. I can’t handle what I have going on already, and more keeps coming. The more keeps coming the more I feel myself breaking. I cannot handle the things I used to be able, I can no longer manage stress as well (wasnt ever great tbh). I just feel like a worthless piece of shit, & my family would be better off without me making things worse for them.

[ahtohallan-calling]

chapter 5 of don’t read the last page is here!

[kristanna / m / multichap / modern au with actress!anna and vetstudent!kristoff]

He’d put the phone down on the counter while he made breakfast, but now that his hands were free again he still didn’t pick it up; after their initial awkward phone call, they’d started FaceTiming instead, and as much as he loved seeing her face, he was really glad she couldn’t see his right now.

“And I was soo confused, so I started telling her, like, ‘Seriously, Honey, he’s got this amazing blond hair that you just like, want to touch all the time and these big brown eyes and little freckles and plus I’m pretty sure he’s kind of ripped and I—‘ Kristoff, I heard the microwave go off already. Are you hiding from me?”

“No,” he muttered, his face turning even redder.

chapter 5

day 1

Sven was just stumbling into the kitchen when Kristoff came in. He frowned, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“You look really happy for someone who just dropped off their girlfriend at the airport for a six-week trip,” he said, pouring a glass of chocolate milk. 

“Not my girlfriend.”

“Not the important part of that sentence.”

Kristoff snagged the bottle and poured himself a cup. “This is mine, by the way, so you owe me.”

“Fine, I’ll buy toilet paper l-- no, I know you, Bjorgman, you’re trying to distract me.”

Sven narrowed his eyes further, fixing Kristoff with a hard stare. He tried to look as innocent as possible as he went to rummage through the fridge, but then he remembered the way Anna had clung to him, the feel of her little hands in his hair, the press of her lips against--

“Oh my god! You kissed her!”

Kristoff stood, not bothering to hide his smile anymore. “Well, technically, she kissed me.”

“I fucking called it, man, I knew you wouldn’t be able to hold off that much longer.”

“We really did try.”

“You didn’t even make it a week, my guy,” Sven said amiably, meandering into the living room. “You tried harder at Mario Kart the other night. Which, by the way, I know you lost on purpose so Anna could win.”

Kristoff considered arguing, but then his phone lit up with a text from Anna, so instead he grinned and walked away to the sound of Sven sighing dramatically. “I heard that buzz! I know it’s her! Jesus, I’d say get a room, but--”

Kristoff didn’t hear the rest as he shut his bedroom door.

kris!! theres wifi i can text you

Im in first class look 

..

That’s crazy

They gave you champagne this early in the morning?

..

supposed to be for mimosas

but it’s like 5 o clock somewhere

specifically romania so

..

That jet lag is going to be rough.

How long is your flight?

..

10 hrs to london then 3 to bucharest💀

but i think my seat turns into a bed so ill try to sleep

theres sooooo many movies tho!

omg theyre bringing more snacks….i feel like a movie star already

..

You kind of are.

..

havent made the movie yet!!

oh the director is here he wants to talk ttyl

..

:)

---

day 4

For some reason, her hands were shaking as they hovered over the green button. “Just do it, Anna,” she muttered to herself. “It’s just Kristoff. He told you to call.”

Thanks to the time difference and long flights, it had taken most of two days to even get here, and on her first full day in Romania she’d been so overwhelmed with the film set and meeting her co-star Adam and talking to the directors and producers and costumers and cameramen that she’d completely crashed the moment she’d gotten back to her hotel room. She’d woken up in the middle of the night and sent Kristoff a quick text apologizing for not calling; he’d responded almost immediately, reassuring her that it was fine and to just call him the next day. At a reasonable hour, he’d made sure to add, not at 2 A.M. Go back to sleep.

She had, and then she’d nearly missed her alarm and hadn’t had time to call him in the morning, and then she’d been filming her first scene and been so overwhelmed by all of that that now it was nearly six o’clock, and it was the first time she’d gotten to look at her phone all day.

He’d texted her once at around 9 A.M. her time. Good luck today! You’ll kill it. Her heart had done a funny little flip at the message, simple as it was; every time she thought of Kristoff, it didn’t feel quite real, like it was just a daydream she would wake up from, but here it was, concrete proof that even literally halfway around the world-- more than halfway, actually-- he was still thinking of her, still caring about her.

The remembrance of that was what finally gave her the courage to hit call. She felt too nervous to FaceTime him, especially considering she was already in sweatpants and halfway through eating a bowl of pasta on her bed. He picked up on the third ring, sounding breathless for some reason.

“Hey! Anna! How are you?”

“I’m, um, I’m good! How are you? You sound kind of...out of breath?”

“Oh, yeah, you caught me at the gym, so I--”

“Oh! I’m so sorry, let me hang up and--”

“No, don’t! I’m almost done, just--”

There was a quick beep in the background, and a whirring noise she hadn’t noticed until now stopped. “Okay, sorry, we’re good.”

She couldn’t help but imagine what he looked like right now, with his hair hanging in his eyes and sweat dripping down his very well-muscled--

“Anna? You there?”

He’d just asked her something, but she’d been too busy daydreaming to catch it. Maybe it really was for the best she hadn’t gone for FaceTime; she probably would have been struck speechless at the sight of him. “Sorry, I was just-- sorry. Um. What did you say?”

He laughed softly. “I asked how your first day of filming went.”

“Oh! It was good, really good, actually. We filmed that scene I auditioned with, actually. They changed the bit about the cowboy boots.”

“Thank god. I don’t know anything about movies, but I know that was awful.”

“Oh, yeah, Adam-- that’s who’s playing Jesse-- he said they’d have to double his paycheck if they wanted him to say shit like that, and then we kind of improv-ed something else and it went really well.”

“That’s awesome!”

Anna felt herself blushing, just barely, at the sound of the genuine pride in his voice. “It was, um, it was nothing, really.”

“So how’s all of it going? Are the...um...honestly, I don’t know who all is involved in making movies. But are the other people nice?”

“Yeah! I really like the girl who does my hair and makeup, her name’s Honey. Isn’t that cute?”

Kristoff laughed; she could hear him starting the car in the background. Anna bit her lip. “Oh-- did you get to shower?”

“I will at home, don’t worry. Anyway--”

“You need to focus on driving? Yeah, I totally get it, seriously. Bye!”

She hit the red button and quickly dropped her phone. Her heart had been pounding the whole time; god, she was really out of practice with this whole thing. Embarrassment swept over her, and she buried her face in her knees; how the hell was this going to work when she was too self-conscious to talk to him for more than five minutes? God, she’d be lucky if he ever bothered to call her again after this.

To her surprise, the phone buzzed only a moment later. She debated picking it up for a long moment, then decided to go ahead and rip the bandaid off and snatched it up.

Just FYI, I was feeling really nervous, too. Want me to call you back after I get home and shower?

For some reason, tears started to fill her eyes as she typed a response. 

yes please :)

She showered, too, taking her time as she let the hot water work its magic on the tension in her shoulders, drawing in slow, deep breaths to steady herself. It wasn’t that every guy she’d ever dated had been bad, per se, just that it had been quite a long time since she’d been with someone who made her feel this nervous and excited and terrified and joyful all at once-- actually, now that she thought about it, she didn’t know if she’d ever liked someone else this much right off the bat. Since coming to L.A. almost two years ago, she’d had a string of bad luck with men, and it was strange readjusting to the notion that one would want to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to him, that he actually wanted to hear about her day, that he saw right through all her embarrassing little defense mechanisms and somehow knew just what to say to make her feel better. Of course they knew each other, but this was something different, something more, as if she didn’t even have to say something for him to understand.

Her phone buzzed again ten minutes after she got out of the shower; with a smile, she picked it up.

“Hey, Kris.”

“Hey, Anna.”

“Ready to try again?”

“With you? Always.”

---

day 9

“So I was telling her, like, ‘I wish I had a recent picture of him to show you because he’s like, super super hot.’ And she kind of made this face and was like ‘that won’t make a difference.’”

He’d put the phone down on the counter while he made breakfast, but now that his hands were free again he still didn’t pick it up; after their initial awkward phone call, they’d started FaceTiming instead, and as much as he loved seeing her face, he was really glad she couldn’t see his right now. 

“And I was soo confused, so I started telling her, like, ‘Seriously, Honey, he’s got this amazing blond hair that you just like, want to touch all the time and these big brown eyes and little freckles and plus I’m pretty sure he’s kind of ripped and I—‘ Kristoff, I heard the microwave go off already. Are you hiding from me?”

“No,” he muttered, his face turning even redder. 

Anna giggled. “Then show me your face.”

He did so reluctantly; to his surprise, she didn’t laugh. “Kris, you know you are, like, super handsome, right? Seriously.”

“I’m, um, I’m just gonna—“

“I mean it. Like I get why you’re feeling shy about it and stuff but just know that, okay?”

He only nodded, feeling a little better, although his face was still heated. Anna, knowing when to leave well enough alone, smiled at him and continued her story. “Anyway, I told her all that and she just started laughing, and finally when I was done she was like ‘Anna, I’m gay’. And so then I showed her a picture of my sister, and I’m just saying, when we’re back in LA, we’re definitely doing a double date.”

—-

day 15

She didn’t know why she felt so nervous about telling him about it. She’d already texted him that morning telling him what scenes they were filming, and it wasn’t like it had meant anything; it was just part of the movie, and Adam was married anyway— but then again, it wasn’t that part that had really been bothering her. She still wasn’t sure until she was explaining it all to Kristoff, forcing herself to maintain eye contact as she held up her phone inside the blanket nest she’d constructed on her bed. 

“And like, he and I are good friends now, so that at least made it easier. And we were all in character and stuff, so, you know, it felt right, and then they started the fake snow going and we just did it, you know?”

“Uh-huh,” Kristoff said, his voice neutral. 

“That like— this doesn’t bother you, right?” she asked quickly. “Because seriously, it didn’t mean—“

“Anna, I know. This is literally your job, I’m not jealous or anything. But please tell me if I ever make you feel like I’m mad or something, because I’m seriously not.”

She let out the breath she’d been holding. “I— I know. I just...wanted to make sure. Because it still, like...still felt weird to me, you know? And I can’t figure out why.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Have you done this before? Like, stage kissing and stuff?”

“Oh, yeah, lots of times. But this time felt kind of different. I just don’t know why.”

He considered it for a moment, looking so thoughtful she couldn’t help but smile, feeling a little flutter in her chest at the thought that he really and truly cared about helping her figure this out. “Enough about me, though, tell me about that crazy to-go order you texted me about. Did you end up getting to see the person who’d ordered it?”

They talked for so long Anna lost track of time, until she yawned so widely Kristoff stopped talking mid-sentence. 

“Anna, what time is it there?”

“Um...close to eleven?”

“What time did you get up this morning?”

“...four.”

He laughed softly. “Get some sleep. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow morning, okay?”

She wanted to argue, but honestly she’d been fighting to keep her eyes open for the last half hour. “Night, Kris.”

“Night, Anna. Sweet dreams.”

He said that every night, but the way he’d smiled tonight— she was thinking about it until long after she’d hung up her phone and closed her eyes. Then, suddenly, she sat upright and snatched it up again, typing furiously. 

figured it out...before, there’s never been someone i ACTUALLY wanted to kiss instead 

..

:)

I wish it had been me, too. 

—

day 21

hey kris!!! sorry i know it’s the middle of the night there so i hope this doesn’t wake you up but i set an alarm on my phone for the exact time and as of like 10 seconds ago we’re halfway there!!!!!!! 😊😊😊

To her surprise, a response came just a few minutes later. 

:) Knew we could do this.

—

day 23

“I got my class schedule today.”

“Yeah? Show me!”

He held it up awkwardly to the camera, and she squinted at it. “Oh, wow, that’s a lot of blocks. Are you still going to work at Starbucks?”

“Yeah, I’ve been there the whole time I’ve been in school. Just work less hours on weekdays, usually pick up some early morning weekend shifts.”

“Oh, that sucks.”

He shrugged. “It works out. I, uh, I’ve got some scholarships that cover most of my tuition, so then it’s, y’know. Rent money and stuff.”

Anna frowned, feeling suddenly acutely aware of how much money she was making for a lot less work. “Will you have, like...any free time?”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” he said quickly, suddenly sounding nervous. “I promise I’ll still have time to hang out with you and stuff, just--”

“No, no that’s like-- shit, that’s not what I meant, Kris, I mean I kind of did but like-- I’m not trying to like, pressure you or--”

“No, I get it, I--”

“No, I mean like school is way important and you like--”

“Seriously, when I say we can--”

Anna took a deep breath. “Okay. You talk first.”

“I, um. I don’t want you to think, like, I won’t make time for you or something, though. Um-- that was all.”

She smiled, wishing she could be there in person; it was so much easier to reassure him when she could just squeeze his hand. “Seriously, that’s not what I meant. I was just worried about you, ‘cause that’s, like, a lot of stress. So if there’s anything I can do to like, help or whatever, just...just let me know. Like...with anything.”

“Seriously, I think it’ll help a ton to just have a pretty girl keeping me company while I study.”

She felt her cheeks turn pink. “What if I end up wanting to distract you?”

Now she wasn’t the only one blushing.

---

day 30

“Miss you.”

“Miss you, too.”

Tonight, there wasn’t really anything else to say.

—- 

day 34

He’d stopped leaving his phone on silent overnight; it was silly, really, but he always had a tiny fear that maybe something would happen over in Romania while he was asleep, and maybe Anna would need to reach him, and there probably wouldn’t be anything he could actually do...but still.

Despite that, though, it still took a lot to wake him, so when his phone went off one night close to three in the morning, he nearly missed the call. “Hello?” he mumbled sleepily, putting it to his ear.

He heard a familiar little giggle. “It’s FaceTime, Kris. I’m sorry to wake you up, I just-- I really wanted you to see this.”

“Oh-- hang on.” He fumbled for his glasses on the nightstand, sliding them on and blinking blearily at the screen. “Um...where are you? I just see, like...the ceiling?”

“Oh-- that’s cause I gave my phone to Honey, just a second, and she’ll show you.”

The phone was lifted up suddenly by a pretty woman with bronze skin and dark hair thrown up into a bun. “Nice to meet you, Anna’s boyfriend.”

He wondered if she could see him blush even in the dark room. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“Okay, okay, I’m ready!” he heard Anna chirp from somewhere. “Turn the camera!”

Honey did with a laugh, and Kristoff sat upright, his eyes wide. Anna was in a deep blue ballgown that fit perfectly to her torso before flaring out into a long, shimmery skirt. Her hair was down, set in curls that shone especially bright against the dark color of the gown, and she was smiling so brightly he thought his heart was going to burst.

“You look beautiful, baby,” he said, half-convinced he was still dreaming.

She was quiet for a moment, and then he realized she was blushing bright red. He heard Honey giggle, and then the phone was being handed back over to Anna. “You’ve never called me that before.”

“What, beautiful? I definitely--”

“No, I--” Her blush deepened. “Kris, are you wearing a shirt?”

He glanced down. “Oh-- uh, no, I’m not. Sorry, I didn’t think you’d be able to see without the lights--”

A mischievous glint was twinkling in her eye. “Trust me, Bjorgman, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

Now he was blushing, too. “Um-- so you’ve got to be filming something special today, right?”

“Yeah, the big ballroom scene. I just...I really love this dress, and the way Honey did my hair and stuff, and I, um...I wanted you to see.”

He smiled softly. “I’m glad. You really do look so, so beautiful.”

She opened her mouth to say something else, but then he heard Honey call, “Hey, Anna, say bye to the boyfriend, they want you on set in five.”

Anna turned back to the camera, looking suddenly nervous. “Kris, are you my boyfriend?”

“Do you want me to be?”

“Yeah.”

He grinned, no longer sleepy. “Okay.”

Anna laughed. “Okay?”

“Hey, it’s still the middle of the night, and I’m still kind of speechless after seeing you in that dress. Cut me some slack.”

“Go back to bed. Sorry I woke you up.”

He yawned. “I’m not.”

---

day 40

“Look! All packed!” She grinned, turning her phone quickly around the room to show off her only slightly overstuffed suitcases. “And ready to come home!”

“Do you think you’ll miss it?”

“No, I mean...it’s beautiful and all here, but it’s still not home.”

Kristoff grinned at that. “You still want me to pick you up from the airport?”

“Um, is that even a question?”

He laughed. “Just making sure! I mean, six weeks is a long time, don’t know if you got tired of me.”

“Kristoff, the second I get back to LA, I’m like, jumping on you again and kissing the fuck out of you.”

He waggled his eyebrows. “And then?”

She could tease him, too. “And then you’d better hurry the hell up and take me back to your apartment so I can show you how much I missed you.”

“....Jesus Christ. Why does waiting two more days suddenly feel so much longer than the other forty?”

[solcheeky]

break a leg arm

summary: mark breaks his arm and a cast is all he needs as an excuse to get you to do everything for him

warnings: mature content insinuated, strong language

a/n: I literally went thru a heck load of his tweets to see what he was like through text lmfao also this is a remake! insp from sheep

-

[1 Missed Call] broccoli johnny 8:56PM

[New Message] from broccoli johnny 9:00PM, hey

[broccoli johnny] 9:00PM, I know its kind of late but

[broccoli johnny] 9:01PM, mark’s in the ER right now, you busy?

[you] 9:05PM, wtf

[you] 9:05PM, where

[you] 9:05PM, why

[broccoli johnny] 9:06PM, nothing serious dw

[broccoli johnny] 9:06PM, we’re in seoul national

[you] 9:07PM, okay im coming

[broccoli johnny] 9:07PM, mind coming over?

[broccoli johnny] 9:08PM, oh

[broccoli johnny] 9:08PM, lol cool cool

[broccoli johnny] 9:08PM, just text me when you get here :-)

[you] 9:34PM, I’m here where are you?

[broccoli johnny] 9:35PM, hold on

[broccoli johnny] 9:35PM, jae cant get his drink out of the vending machine

[broccoli johnny] 9:35PM, we’ll meet u in the lobby in a sec

[you] 9:36PM, jaehyun you are a grown man

[broccoli johnny] 9:36PM, jae said hes not going to share his drink with you now

-

[New Message] from lioncub 11:45PM, Sorry for making you worry haha and thank you for coming over so fast

[lioncub] 11:45PM, You home ssfe yet?

[lioncub] 11:45PM, *Safe

[lioncub] 11:46PM, Damn this whole cast on my arm thing is really getting in the way haha

[you] 11:46PM, always<3 and yea I am :) you?

[lioncub] 11:46PM, Yeah, everyone’s in bed. Johnjae’s about to leave

[you] 11:46PM, nice

[you] 11:47PM, tell jaehyun that I hope he falls over

[lioncub] 11:48PM, Woah hahahaha

[lioncub] 11:48PM, Is this because he didn’t share his drink with you?

[you] 11:48PM, it was the last one left >:( and the traitor drank it all >:((

[lioncub] 11:50PM, Haha

[you] 11:50PM, >:(

[lioncub] 11:51PM, You’re so cute 

[you] 11:51PM, wow you type so slow

[lioncub] 11:51PM, I brokr my ar, !!!

[you] 11:51PM, yikes

[lioncub] 11:52PM, Dude dp you want me to type fast or not?

[you] 11:52PM, you’ll make mistakes either way👀

[lioncub] 11:52PM, *Do

[lioncub] 11:53PM, Hahaha very funny lool

[lioncub] 11:54PM, Come on babr

[lioncub] 11:54PM, *Basbr 

[lioncub] 11:54PM, *Babve

[lioncub] 11:54PM, Damn. *babe

[you] 11:54PM, just. don’t text me anymore . 

[lioncub] 11:55PM, Wait what !!!!!

[lioncub] 11:55PM, But my cast wont br off for weeks!!

[lioncub] 11:56PM, Babe !

[lioncub] 11:56PM, D: !!

[you] 11:56PM, I meant that like..... ‘call me’ you dummy

[lioncub] 11:57PM, Oh

[lioncub] 11:57PM, Oops 

[Incoming Call] lioncub 11:58PM

-

[New Message] from marks arm 1:12PM, They left me at home :/

[marks arm] 1:12PM, All alone

[marks arm] 1:13PM, And I’m bored :/

[marks arm] 1:13PM, Bee

[marks arm] 1:13PM, Oh

[marks arm] 1:14PM, Are

[marks arm] 1:14PM, D

[marks arm] 1:14PM, b o r e d

[marks arm] 1:15PM, Babe

[marks arm] 1:15PM, Babe?

[marks arm] 1:15PM, Ba b e

[Missed Video Call] marks arm 1:17PM

[you] 1:21PM, oh shit sory just came out yhe shower

[marks arm] 1:22PM, Oh lool sorry

[marks arm] 1:22PM, You going out somewhere?

[marks arm] 1:23PM, OH are you coming over? :0

[you] 1:23PM, huh? no

[you] 1:23PM, lmfao gotta go to the supermarket

[marks arm] 1:24PM, Is that code for my dorm?

[you] 1:24PM, uh

[you] 1:24PM, what

[marks arm] 1:25PM, Super-MARK-et

[marks arm] 1:25PM, 😏😏😏 

[you] 1:25PM, …………

[marks arm] 1:26PM, Dude. You can’t tell me that wanst funny

[you] 1:26PM, …………………… 

[marks arm] 1:26PM, Comn on man. That was pretty funny!!!

[marks arm] 1:27PM, *Wasn’t *Come

[marks arm] 1:27PM, 😏😏😏 ???

[you] 1:27PM, I’m not coming over just because you made a ‘good’ joke

[marks arm] 1:28PM, Hahahahaha! babe please!!

[marks arm] 1:28PM, I’m so fucking bored~

[marks arm] 1:28PM, I have thid dumbass cast on now and the boys wont be back till waaayy later

[marks arm] 1:29PM, *This

[marks arm] 1:30PM, It’s not like I can take the cast off. But you can keep me company!!

[marks arm] 1:30PM, Pretty please🥺

[you] 1:30PM, but I gotta go shop D:

[marks arm] 1:31PM, Oh right. yeah lol

[marks arm] 1:31PM, but you can come over after?😏

[you] 1:31PM, hmmmmmm

[marks arm] 1:32PM, No one’s home😏 and

[marks arm]1:32PM, and Iwanttohugyou

[marks arm] 1:33PM, Plus I promise I won’t hug you with my casr haha

[marks arm] 1:33PM, *Cast

[you] 1:33PM, cute

[marks arm] 1:34PM, Did.. Did you not just hear what I said?

[marks arm] 1:34PM, No one’s home !!!

[you] 1:35PM, fine :[

[you] 1:35PM, but after I shop :>

[marks arm] 1:36PM, Alright nice haha. After you shop. Got it !

[New Message] from marks arm 1:45PM, Can you get me snacks??

[marks arm] 1:49PM, You can’t just leave me on read !!!!

-

[you] 8:03PM, can’t believe I bought you snacks for that

[marks arm] 8:04PM, It was the cast!! I swear !!

[marks arm] 8:04PM, You weren’t the only one uncomfortable >:( I can’t hold myself up over you when my arm is broken lool

[you] 8:05PM, I’m taking your lap next time🙄

[marks arm] 8:05PM, Oh woah

[you] 8:06PM, ‘woah’ what?

[marks arm] 8:06PM, :0

[marks arm] 8:06PM, Woah nothing. Hahahaha

[you] 8:06PM, okay well,,, save your lap for me next time

[marks arm] 8:07PM, lol okay

[marks arm] 8:07PM, Next time.

[marks arm] 8:07PM, I like that

-

[New Message] from marker 2:20AM, You awake?

[you] 2:21AM, no

[marker] 2:21AM, Oh okay nevermind then

[you] 2:22AM, …

[you] 2:22AM, uh mark

[marker] 2:23AM, Wait a minute

[you] 2:23AM, there we go😂😂

[marker] 2:23AM, ;/

[you] 2:23AM, LOL whats up? its 2am🤔dont you have to go studio in the morning🤔

[marker] 2:24AM, Yeah :/ but my arm hurts ;/

[you] 2:24AM, badly?

[marker] 2:25AM, Mhm :(

[marker] 2:25AM, I cant sleep :(( it hurts :/ like actually really hurts

[you] 2:25AM, lemme get back to you in 7 years after I get my doctors licence

[marker] 2:26AM, Hahahahahahaha

[marker] 2:26AM, Can you get back to me in 3secs as my bestfriend instead?

[you] 2:26AM, touché

[marker] 2:26AM, Haha

[marker] 2:27AM, Let me video call you?

[you] 2:27AM, doyoung is asleep though

[marker] 2:27AM, Yeaahh

[marker] 2:28AM, But I wantf to see you :(

[you] 2:28AM, you saw me today ?

[marker] 2:28AM, It wasnt enough :(

[you] 2:29AM, are you okay??

[marker] 2:29AM, Yeah! I am! I just

[marker] 2:29AM, idk

[marker] 2:29AM, Seeing you makesd me feel better

[you] 2:29AM, cute

[marker] 2:29AM, Shutup man

[marker] 2:30AM, Just let me call youuu

[you] 2:30AM, hm

[you] 2:31AM, fine

[you] 2:31AM, this is my way of making up for my lack of a doctors licence

[marker] 2:31AM, hahahahahahahaha

[marker] 2:31AM, I’m gonna wake up doyoung laughing like this

[you] 2:32AM, lmao pls dont blame me when he whoops your ass in the morning

[marker] 2:32AM, I wont :)

[Incoming Call] marks arm 2:33AM

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]]

[doyoung]: Mark looks like a sardine that was left to dry out in the sun for 12 days

[marker]: Hey man

[marker]: Thats just mean

[fullsun]: not mean, just the truth💅🏼

[doyoung]: It’s because he was up all night talking to you know who👀

[mr peach]: exposed

[you]: mark you said doyoung was a heavy sleeper

[doyoung]: He lied.

[marker]: We werent that loud man

[nakamoto]: I could hear mark from my bedroom

[let’s winwin!]: *our bedroom

[let’s winwin!]: and no we couldn’t

[nakamoto]: I did👀

[broccolli johnny]: all yuta does is lie lmfao

[marker]: How??!!?

[marker]: Your bedroom is upstairs!!!

[junguwu]: ? I couldnt hear them ??? and I’m next door

[nakamoto]: if I was upstairs then explain to me how I heard y/n complaining about how mark farts too much🤔🤔🤔

[marker]: Oh my god

[broccoli johnny]: LMFAAAOO

[junguwu]: HAHAH HAHAHAHAH

[mr peach]: this again LOL

[you]: I still can’t believe they let you talk about marks farts in your tmi vids

[oldman]: 😂😂😂😂😂oh no

[fullsun]: the dried sardine has got some explaining to do👀

[marker]: Dude its not true!!! I swear !!!!!!

[you]: a little bit true

[doyoung]: ✋also a witness

[marker]: >:0

[marker]: Fucking betrayers!!!!!!!

[marker]: Johnny tell them its not true !!!

[broccoli johnny]: my hands are tied bro🤗

[marker]: whAT

[marker]: Jaehyun?!

[mr peach]: its not true.

[doyoung]: Way to sound believable🙄

[nakamoto]: word on the street y/n is tired of mark never saying sorry or excusing himself from farting🤧

[marker]: You guys are just big bullies man

[marker]: Sicheng man you’re the only one I have left😭

[let’s winwin!]: lol no

[fullsun]: yuta may be lying about hearing yall last night but👀

[fullsun]: the fart thing is true👀

[nakamoto]: i rest my case

[broccoli johnny]: one day mark is gonna fart and it’ll poison you all

[nakamoto]: I heard hes poisoned a couple of people already🧐

[marker]: DUDE

-

[New Message] from mark LEE 10:11AM, Hey can I ask you something?

[you] 10:12AM, sure whats up?

[you] 10:12AM, you okay?

[mark LEE] 10:13AM, So um ;//

[mark LEE] 10:13AM, My farts dont annoy you do they?

[you] 10:14AM, LOL mARK

[mark LEE] 10:14AM, What ?! what!!!!

[mark LEE] 10:14AM, I’m serious!!!

[you] 10:15AM, its been like 3 days since that conversation

[mark LEE] 10:15AM, And I havent been able to fart in front of you since!!

[you] 10:15AM, LMAAOOO MARKKKK

[mark LEE] 10:16AM, Babe I’m deadass!!!

[you] 10:16AM, yuta was just joking stupid

[mark LEE] 10:17AM, :/

[mark LEE] 10:17AM, I know

[mark LEE] 10:17AM, But

[you] 10:18AM, but?

[mark LEE] 10:18AM, I fart

[mark LEE] 10:18AM, like

[mark LEE] 10:18AM, a lot

[you] 10:19AM, omg mark

[you] 10:19AM, it doesnt matter!! I think its cute

[mark LEE] 10:19AM, What?!

[you] 10:19AM, when you fart youre cute

[you] 10:20AM, when you sneeze youre cute

[you] 10:20AM, when you talk youre cute

[you] 10:20AM, even when you just breathe youre fucking cute

[you] 10:20AM, I dont care about your farts

[mark LEE] 10:21AM, You’re weird

[you] 10:21AM, ask the groupchat if you dont believe me

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]]

[marker]: Anyways guys

[junguwu]: ya

[marker]: Am I cute?

[fullsun]: no

-

[New Message] from cute idiot 9:37PM, Where are you?

[cute idiot] 9:37PM, Babe

[cute idiot] 9:37PM, The bath is gonna get cold man

[you] 9:40PM, we got a problem

[cute idiot] 9:40PM, What? No lighter? Not even matchsticks?

[you] 9:40PM, johnjae are here

[cute idiot] 9:41PM, !???!?!?!?!!!

[cute idiot] 9:41PM, whAT

[cute idiot] 9:41PM, Like in the dorm here?!?!??

[you] 9:41PM, yea you dummy

[cute idiot] 9:41PM, Shit whAT

[you] 9:42PM, wtf happened to ‘no one is coming home till late today’ !???!!

[cute idiot] 9:42PM, I

[cute idiot] 9:42PM, I DIDNT KNOW I SWEAR OMG

[cute idiot] 9:42PM, wHAT DID U SAY TO THEM

[you] 9:43PM, I look like a psycho mark

[cute idiot] 9:43PM, tHATS WHAT YOU SAID?

[you] 9:43PM, nO

[you] 9:44PM, they caught me… in the kitchen…. going through the drawers

[you] 9:44PM, with just your tshirt on…

[you] 9:44PM, my hair is wet af mark

[cute idiot] 9:45PM, oh god

[you] 9:45PM, how was i supposed to explain myself ?!

[you] 9:45PM, tell them my hair is wet because I just climbed out of the bath i was sharing with their roommate ?!!?

[you] 9:45PM, tell them i needed something to light the candles beside the fucking bubble bath ?!??

[cute idiot] 9:45PM, Shit shit shit

[you] 9:46PM, and all because you couldnt get out of the tub without injuring your broken-arm ??!

[cute idiot] 9:46PM, Oh my gof

[cute idiot] 9:46PM, Please tell me that is not what you said

[cute idiot] 9:46PM, Oh my god

[cute idiot] 9:46PM, This is so embarrassing

[cute idiot] 9:47PM, Dude

[cute idiot] 9:47PM, Why arnet you answering?!?!

[cute idiot] 9:47PM, What the fuc do I do

[you] 9:48PM, hold on theyre talking to me

[cute idiot] 9:48PM, I’m freakinghout

[you] 9:48PM, apparently theyre back early because they need to go prerecord nct nightnight

[you] 9:48PM, johnny needed to pick something up on the way

[cute idiot] 9:48PM, Oh god

[cute idiot] 9:48PM, Whdt do I do?!

[cute idiot] 9:48PM, Do I getr out!?

[you] 9:49PM, told them you were showering

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, Shit

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, Okay I’m turning on the shower

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, You know

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, For soubnd effects

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, Shit man shitr

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, wait

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, wb you?!

[cute idiot] 9:50PM, You didn’t dry yourself. Dude you didn’t even bring a towel

[cute idiot] 9:50PM, Hwo you gonna explain

[you] 9:51PM, told them your dumbass slipped

[you] 9:51PM, and I had to help you because of your arm

[you] 9:51PM, wait brb

[cute idiot] 9:51PM, Nooo dont brb me

[cute idiot] 9:52PM, I feel exposed now

[cute idiot] 9:52PM, Oh my god

[cute idiot] 9:52PM, This is the worst

[cute idiot] 9:52PM, This is the WORST 

[cute idiot] 9:53PM, Babe?

[you] 9:57PM, okay theyre gone😪😪

[cute idiot] 9:57PM, Thank god

[cute idiot] 9:57PM, Did they believe you?

[you] 9:58PM, I fucking hope so

[you] 9:58PM, I’m coming back

[cute idiot] 9:58PM, Be quick ;/ I kinda made a mess

-

[[foreign swaggers💯💯💯]]

[sexy boi ten]: just out of curiosity🧐

[sexy boi ten]: who here loves bubble baths?

[johns banana]: hmmmmmm idk man🤔 good question🤔

[jeffrey]: 😂😂😂

[kark]: Oh my god

[sexy boi ten]: I think one of us is a bubble bath enthusiast

[sexy boi ten]: but I just cant put my finger on it🧐

[kark]: Can’t believe you told ten

[johns banana]: told him what🤔🤔

[kark]: Don’t lie to me bro

[sexy boi ten]: i think youre the only one lying here

[kark]: 😨😨😨

[kark]: Jaehyun please help me

[jeffrey]: I heard there were candles

[kark]: 😧

[johns banana]: candles ?! 🤔 oh gasp🤧

[sexy boi ten]: so this is what you get up to when no ones around

[kark]: hahahaha noooo

[kark]: youre making it sound super weird man !!

[jeffrey]: lmfaaooo

[sexy boi ten]: this whole broken limb thing doesnt seem so bad now

[kark]: we didnt /do/ anything

[sexy boi ten]: why?😏 were you supposed have done something? 😏😏

[kark]: hahaha oh my god

[johns banana]: what are you tryna say mark🤗

[kark]: dude !!!!!!!

[kark]: youre all making this way weirder than it already is man

[jeffrey]: arent you the one making it weird?

[sexy boi ten]: johnny break my arm so i can get a bubble bath

[johns banana]: you dont have a girlfriend

[sexy boi ten]: i know

[sexy boi ten]: but i could have a boyfriend

[jeffrey]: you dont have a boyfriend either

[sexy boi ten]: then can you run me a bubble bath instead😘😘😘😘

[kark]: what

[johns banana]: depends… do I get to join

[kark]: wHAT

[johns banana]: I’ll be the mark to your y/n

[jeffrey]: this is going in my TMI

-

[New Message] from marks arm 4:15PM, They keep teasing me about the bath thing

[you] 4:15PM, so no more baths together?

[marks arm] 4:16PM, I didn’t say that........

-

[New Message] from bunny doyoung 6:47PM, Change of plans

[bunny doyoung] 6:47PM, He’s already on the way to yours

[you] 6:48PM, what?!

[you] 6:48PM, I was about to leave

[bunny doyoung] 6:49PM, Sorry I couldnt stop him

[bunny doyoung] 6:49PM, Said there’s too many of us in the dorm at the moment lmao

[bunny doyoung] 6:50PM, He’s such a kid

[you] 6:50PM, ffs mark

[you] 6:51PM, thanks do

[bunny doyoung] 6:51PM, Of course

-

[you] 6:53PM, mark wth

[you] 6:53PM, doyoung said youre coming here

[marks eggs] 6:55PM, Sorry baby

[marks eggs] 6:55PM, It’s way too hectic back there

[you] 6:56PM, you know I dont mind

[marks eggs] 6:56PM, I do this time

[marks eggs] 6:57PM, I want alone time with you

[you] 6:57PM, but I made food for the boys

[marks eggs] 6:57PM, I’ll eat it all :)

[you] 6:58PM, marrrrrkk

[marks eggs] 6:58PM, Too late I’m outside

[marks eggs] 6:58PM, Open up

-

[New Message] ty track 1:00AM, He’s not coming back tonight is he?

[you] 1:01AM, defo not

[you] 1:01AM, hes asleep on my lap atm

[ty track] 1:02AM, Sigh

[ty track] 1:02AM, Fine, make sure he wakes up early

[ty track] 1:03AM, He has to be back by 7am, we have a shoot in the morning

[you] 1:03AM, okay sure thing

[ty track] 1:03AM, Get some rest too

[you] 1:04AM, thanks tae you too💚

[ty track] 1:04AM, Goodnight💚

[you] 1:05AM, night :)

-

[[dreamies but not rlly]]

[pudu]: what time did you say you were going to come over again?

[you]: before 10 why?

[pudu]: because marks trying to break up renjun and jaemin from wrestling

[pudu]: with one arm

[jenojam]: is that what all that yelling is?

[you]: hyuck

[you]: why are you texting me when you can help him out

[pudu]: y/n thats a dumb question and you know it

[dolphinle]: such a dumb question

[you]: why arent any of you doing anything????????

[pudu]: why dont you just come over sooner ^^

[you]: hyuck I cant I’m running errands atm

[dolphinle]: see y/n is running errands hyung

[you]: thanks chenle

[pudu]: shutup chenle

[you]: wheres jisung

[jisung park]: staying out of the mess

[you]: good.

[you]: one less dreamie to worry about

[jisung park]: youre welcome

[pudu]: okay they stopped play fighting :/

[jenojam]: because mark says his arm hurts

[you]: you guys are the worst

[pudu]: *best

[moomin]: you guys are snitches

[dolphinle]: and snitches get stitches

[jaemin<3]: renjun broke my neck

[moomin]: did not

[moomin]: your stupid neck happened to fall into my hands

[pudu]: LMAOO

[jaemin<3]: :0 can u believe this

[you]: is mark okay?

[jenojam]: no

[mark sucks]: Yes

[mark sucks]: hahahaha just carry on with your errands and come at 10 I have this unser contrl

[mark sucks]: *Under

[mark sucks]: *Control

[pudu]: HAHA what lies

[jisung park]: hyung doesnt have anything under control

[jaemin<3]: youre not going to ask if I’m okay? :(

[moomin]:  jaemin ur still breathing right?

[moomin]: yea thats what I thought

[dolphinle]: ye thats what he thought

[jaemin<3]: I didnt even say anything yet!!

[pudu]: LMFAAOO

[you]: jeno help

[jenojam]: je-no thank you

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]] 

[tytrack]: well then who was it?

[nakamoto]: I think johnny was the last one to use the vacuum

[marker]: Babe can you pick up a box on the way ;/ we ranm out lastr night

[nakamoto]: .................

[fullsun]: well okay. this was fun. g2g. forever. ✌️✌️✌️

[doyoung]: Only mark would do this.

[nakamoto]: 🤡🤡🤡🤡

[doyoung]: Seriously only mark.

[marker]: Shit!!!

[marker]: Fucvbk man

[you]: wrong chat you fat loser

-

[canada mark] 7:00PM, Shit baby I’m so soryr

[you] 7:00PM, you’re the biggest dummy😂😂😂

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]] 

[junguwu]: a box of what?

[tytrack]: what the fuck mark

[junguwu]: oh

[marker]: Dude I didn’t mean to!!! 

[broccoli johnny]: this is why he left the dorm so quick lmfao

[marker]: Baby I’m so so so sorry I’ll make it up for you tonight

[junguwu]: :0

-

[you] 7:05PM, wRONG CHAT AGAIN STUPID

[canada mark] 7:05PM, FCUK

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]] 

[nakamoto]: jc mark🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

[fullsun]: can we push the gc name into full gear now?

[fullsun]: it’s no longer a joke. 

[marker]: IM IN SO MANY GROUPCHATS ITS HARD OKAY

-

[you] 7:07PM, you’re lucky you have a broken arm or else 

[canada mark] 7:08PM, Dude I’m so sorry. Like really.

[canada mark] 7:08PM, I was rushing in case you left the store already ;/ sorry :(

[canada mark] 7:08PM, I’ll do whatever you want ! promise.

[you] 7:09PM, you can barely do anything with that broken arm stupid

[you] 7:09PM, its okay😂 

[canada mark] 7:09PM, Really?

[you] 7:10PM, lets just say you owe me one 

‘you changed [canada mark] to [stupid mark]’

[stupid mark] 7:11PM, Yeah okay. I deserve that one.

- 

[New Message] from stupid mark 7:24AM, Can I call you?

[stupid mark] 7:24AM, I seriously hate texting ;/

[you] 7:25AM, is it because of the wrong groupchat thing or your cast?

[stupid mark] 7:25AM, ......both lol

[you] 7:25AM, okay but I’m in bed bby its so early

[stupid mark] 7:25AM, Perfect!! then you don’t have to move ! 

[stupid mark] 7:25AM, Just close your eyes and talk to me :^)

[you] 7:26AM, you can talk to everyone else whos awake :^)

[stupid mark] 7:25AM, Everyones getting their hair done and stuff

[stupid mark] 7:26AM, And I’m handicapped let me call you.

[you] 7:26AM, wooooow ‘handicapped’ you can’t text me

[Incoming Video Call] stupid mark 7:26PM

[stupid mark] 7:2APM, Pick up!! please!!

- 

[New Message] from sore loser 11:20PM, :((((

[you] 11:21PM, mark? 

[you] 11:21PM, whats wrong?

[sore loser] 11:22PM, Do you want to come with me to the doctors get my cast off tomorrow? 

[you] 11:22PM, huh????

[you] 11:22PM, I mean yeah sure but

[you] 11:22PM, whats with the sad face?

[sore loser] 11:23PM, No! I’m happy! but sad ;/

[sore loser] 11:23PM, I get to be on stage again but ;( I can’t play damsel in distress anymore haha

[sore loser] 11:23PM, If I call you over, you’ll still come right?

[you] 11:24PM, depends.........

[sore loser] 11:24PM, See!! 

[you] 11:24PM, I’m just kidding lmao

[sore loser] 11:24PM, Oh

[sore loser] 11:24PM, So... You’ll still shampoo my hair sometimes? ;/ or like sit on my lap,,and stuff ;/// ??

[you] 11:25PM, you know I’ll do all those things regardless whether your arm is broken or not

[sore loser] 11:25PM, You’re the best 

[you] 11:25PM, plus you still owe me one :^)

[sore loser] 11:25PM, Oh yeah! I do !!

‘you changed [sore loser] to [<3]’

[<3] 11:26PM, Hahaha cute

[<3] 11:26PM, Okay :))))

[<3] 11:26PM, I’ll give you what I owe you tomorrow after we go doctors ;) <3

[you] 11:27PM, perfect

[<3] 11:27PM, Yeah, perfect :))

-

[New Message] from <3 9:34AM, Yeah, oops. Not so perfect..... omg I’m sorry

[you] 9:34AM, yeah your arm is like jelly its weird

[<3] 9:34AM, Hahahahaha

[<3] 9:34AM, In three weeks then?

[New Message] from <3 9:36AM, You can’t just leave me on read !!!!!!!!!

[You are Video Calling <3 ...] 9:36AM

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

With All Your Heart - Part 5

When i woke up Bucky was gone, i looked at the clock and saw it was a little after 11am so he was probably down in the gym with Steve. I grabbed his t-shirt from the floor and quickly walked down the hall to my room to take a shower and make myself presentable. After my shower i pulled on some baby pink sweats and a black crop top, braided my hair and headed to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine.

"Good morning sunshine!" Tony beamed at me over his coffee cup.

"Morning, i cant believe i slept in this late!" I muttered grabbing a pre-prepared fruit bowl from the fridge.

"Well you'll be nice and rested before the gala tonight"

"The what?"

"The charity Gala, we hold it every year"

"Right! Shit i forgot that was tonight"

"Obviously" he rolled his eyes at me "you'll be there though, right?"

"Yeah of course" I nodded "I'm gonna head down to the gym for a bit. I'll see you later".

Walking into the gym most of the team were already there. Bucky looked up when i walked in, gave me a little smile and carried on with his weights.

"Shes alive, no one panic!" Nat said loudly with a huge grin on her face.

"Haha! Your funny Nat!" I walked over to her and started on my stretches "how was the rest of your night with those guys?"

"It was okay, they didn't stick around too long. Guess they realised we weren't gonna put out" she shrugged

"They seemed sleazy, thats why i said we were leaving. But noooo you guys wanted to stay, cant say i didn't try"

"Im sorry, next time i will listen to you" Nat laughed "so you ready for the Gala tonight? Another excuse for us to have a few too many drinks"

"I am now, i forgot all about it.... Tony just kindly reminded me.

"Why don't me and Wanda come to your room to get ready, we can have a couple of pre drinks and help each other get ready"

"Yeah sounds good to me, say 6pm?"

"Perfect! We might even find you a nice man at this thing. Unless you wanna go on your little app and find a date?"

"No not tonight, i just wanna hang out with you guys" i shrugged, casually looking over towards Bucky to see if he was listening or not..... he wasn't. He actually had headphones in and had his back to us. Steve was on the bench next to Bucky doing some weights and he turned and flashed me a smile.

"Right okay..... lets do this" i said to Nat taking up my stance infront of her "try not to bruise me too much, dont want people at this party thinking im being abused"

"I'll go easy on you this time and this time only. After today your mine!" She joked as she lunged towards me. We spent the next 45 minutes exchanging softs blows and various flips and tosses onto the mat.

Bucky still hadn't said a word to me yet, i had caught his eye a few times and waved but he flat out ignored me!! What the hell was going on?? I didn't dream it all i know that, i could still feel the tenderness from the huge cock that ruined me throughout the night.

Bucky was alone suddenly, Steve was no where in sight so i casually walked over to where Bucky was now working his legs.

"Hey Buck" i smiled, he looked up pulling out his headphones.

"What did you say?"

"I just said hey, havent had a chance to talk to you this morning"

"Yeah ive been busy, sorry"

"So last night was fun....." i stared to say, he was acting so weird this morning. His phone went off and he looked down at a message.

"Can we talk about this later, i've gotta go" he said standing up and grabbing his things.

"Sure" i nodded looking anywhere but at him, maybe last night was a huge mistake.

"Hey Nat, im gonna head back up thats it for me today" i called over to her.

"You okay? I didn't hurt you did i?"

"Im fine, just not feeling it".

I went back up to the shared kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water, Steve was stood making toast, using a whole loaf of bread by the looks of it.

"You hungry Steve?" I asked laughing a little at the mountain of bread in front him.

"Its not all for me" he laughed "i know as soon as i sit down you lot will be moaning that i never made you any"

"Awww thats so sweet" i teased him as i hugged him, Steve was good at giving hugs. We just stood there in each others arms for a bit while he waited for the next batch of toast to pop up.

"You okay?" Steve suddenly asked making me look up at him in confusion.

"Yeah im good, why?"

"I dont know, you seem a little off today"

"Nope im fine"

"You know ive learnt that when a woman says shes fine shes normally lying" he placed his hand on my cheek and looked at me "you can talk to me about anything, you know that right?"

"Honestly Steve im ok" i smiled, Steve was such a sweetheart "im gonna go sort out a dress for this stupid Gala tonight" i said turning to grab a slice of toast. As i turned to leave i was met by a pissed off looking Bucky standing there staring at me and Steve.

"Oh hey Buck, I've made toast" Steve told his friend happily.

"Sergeant" i said casually as i walked past him, if he wanted to act like nothing happened then so would i.

As i walked into my room i slammed the door closed only to have it hit something hard.... Bucky!

He came in and closed the door staring at me "what the hell was that?" He asked

"What?"

"You and Steve!.... looked pretty cosy"

"Oh for crying out loud Buck, we're always like that! His my friend!"

"I don't like him touching whats mine"

"Oh I'm yours again now? Funny, you didn't even want to talk to me half hour ago. You leave me in your bed to wake up alone and then when i find you, you completely ignore me!! Way to make a girl feel special Buck"

"Its not like that! I left you to sleep because you didn't get much sleep last night"

"What about how you acted in the gym??"

"I didn't know how you wanted to play it in front of the others, we hadn't talked about that"

"So you just thought you'd ignore me altogether??"

"I didn't know if id be able to act like myself if you were that close to me and i couldn't have you.... couldn't touch you.."

"So.... your not regretting what happened...."

"Fuck no! Are you crazy?? Sweetheart last night was amazing! Ive wanted you for so long..... i never thought id be lucky enough to finally have you" he closed the gap between us taking my face in his hands "can you forgive me for being a idiot doll?"

"I suppose so..... just don't ignore me again!"

"Never" he smiled and leaned down to kiss me "and your mine?"

"I don't know about that Buck you might have to remind me...." i was cut off when he lifted me up and threw me onto my bed "i'll remind you don't you worry bout that.... you'll be screaming my name so loud the whole tower will know your mine".

Tagging: @siren-queen03

[shrimpcolour]

Answer all 1-92!

yep yep THANK UUUUUUUUUU

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

absolutely not

 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? 

absolutely not

3. Have you taken someones virginity? 

absolutely not

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

yes i think i keep things to myself

 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

no bc of the rona

 6. What are you excited for? 

quarantine to be over 

7. What happened tonight? 

i am going through it lmaoo

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

i really think this question is gross no i dont care 

 9. Is confidence cute? 

confidence is cute as fuck

10. What is the last beverage you had? 

water, shockingly 

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 

one? maybe?

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? 

yes but i dont wear them unless nothing else is clean

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? 

probably play craft and cry

14. What are you going to spend money on next? 

dunkin donuts baebyyyy

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? 

yessirrrr

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

yes i think that i will be happier 

 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? 

my friend beenal i trust her with everything 

18. The last time you felt broken? 

right now as i type

19. Have you had sex today?

no 

 20. Are you starting to realize anything? 

that i cant handle being alone for a long time without starting to spiral

21. Are you in a good mood? 

im starting to get out of a shitty mood

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? 

i almost did one time when i was younger i was supposed to swim w super tiny sharks at disney but then i freaked tf out and bailed 

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? 

no 

24. What do you want right this second? 

a hug from jillie

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

goodbye thanks for letting me know but bye

 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? 

no it is darker rn

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no that is boring thank jah jillie is funny 

 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

the fact that someone from vietnam with a windows 8 phone is trying to hack my email

 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? 

yes jillie so much

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

yes second chances are good and important (obviously not for certain scenarios)

 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? 

i dont hate him he just annoys me 

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? 

i hope she does 

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? 

no i only drink mcdonalds sprite and i hate coke and that stuff

34. Listening to? 

a criminal minds episode

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? 

yes all the time

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

yes i do it was at jillies

 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? 

no i do not i think it is gradual 

38. Who did you last call? 

i joined a zoom call for like four seconds today but then i left bc i hate myself KJLSJHFJLKHF

39. Who was the last person you danced with? 

my team 

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

hopefully bc she loves me

 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? 

today!! my mom made them

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

no i havent done that since i was a baby

 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? 

every day baebyyy

44. Do you tan in the nude? 

i dont even like showering naked or tanning at all

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? 

yes but not because of who it was with but because it was awkkk

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? 

no i fell asleep at around 11 am and i just kinda KOed

47. Who was the last person to call you? 

jillie a couple days ago

48. Do you sing in the shower? 

no i dance KASLHJLKA

49. Do you dance in the car?

you fucking know it

 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? 

no but it seems so cool

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 

uhhh never???

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

no i think that they are happy

 53. Is Christmas stressful? 

extremely

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

i have but i am not a fun

 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

apple baby apple

 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

i wanted to be hannah montana so bad. not even a rockstar i deadass wanted to be H E R 

 57. Do you believe in ghosts?

i sure do 

 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

a lot of the time it makes me nervy

 59. Take a vitamin daily?

no only when i have some

 60. Wear slippers? 

no mostly just socks

61. Wear a bath robe?

no but they give off bad bitch vibes

 62. What do you wear to bed? 

sweatpants and a hoodie when cold short and a sports bra when hot

63. First concert? 

hannah montana/miley cyrus and she flew above the crowd on a motorcycle

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

wwwwalmart baeby

 65. Nike or Adidas?

nike

 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? 

fritos but both are gross

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

sunflower seeds i hate everything peanut

 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? 

lover

69. Ever take dance lessons? 

im on a competitve team my guy

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

i have a “joke” that i am marrying an orthodontist so yes

 71. Can you curl your tongue? 

i can but i cant do the clover thing 

72. Ever won a spelling bee? 

no i suck at spelling LMAO i used to cheat on spelling tests in elementary school

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

i have i also cry when i get overly excited 

 74. What is your favorite book?

farenheit 451 

 75. Do you study better with or without music? 

i dont study

76. Regularly burn incense? 

no i dont

77. Ever been in love? 

yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert? 

HOZIER i would die

79. What was the last concert you saw? 

ed sheeran 

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

hot tea 

 81. Tea or coffee? 

coffee 

82. Favorite type of cookie?

oatmeal honestly it kinda slaps 

 83. Can you swim well?

no i really do be sucking at swimming my dad and a lifeguard had to get me out of the ocea once

 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? 

yes? can people not>

85. Are you patient? 

i dont really know??

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? 

dj type beat 

87. Ever won a contest? 

yes i won a constume contest at a dance party once

88. Ever have plastic surgery? 

nope

89. Which are better black or green olives? 

ummmmmmmm neither 

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

will be participating in it but fri dont give a care if u fuck before u get married

 91. Best room for a fireplace? 

living room 

92. Do you want to get married

the idea seems nice but i dont think anyone will want to marry me

[soakedpaperhearts]

i don’t know what recovery is.

i can’t say for certain whether i’m in a depressive episode now or not. most days i can say that i’m definitely in a better place than i was last year, but that’s only my gut feeling. if i look at my life now, nothing’s really changed from last year other than the fact that i’m in a different country, i’m not with my family, and i’m going to uni. if i look at the similarities, i’m still not showering as much as i would like to, my laundry is a mess, and i’m pretty sure i’m binge eating when i actually remember to eat. i’ve started to cry again at small things for seemingly no reason. i cried when my gf told me i should shower. i cried when i saw the number for the 24/7 suicide hotline. i watch shows and read fanfic probably unhealthily to lose myself in other realities.

i can’t paint a straight line in my road of recovery. i like to say that i am getting better and i say it with confidence when someone asks me about my mental state but honestly i can’t say it with logic. i’m not a all-logic-or-nothing type of person because i do listen to my emotions and intuition. however, i can’t exactly pinpoint my progress because i don’t even have a diagnosis after 4 years of trying to battle my own illness - whatever it is.

i feel like my recovery was slowly getting better if i looked at it from a bigger picture but with every setback, i feel like i revert back to my depression days when i’m living an unhealthy lifestyle that isn’t sustainable. it just keeps getting more and more down and i don’t know how it ever turns around because it seems like it’s not going to this time. the psych said i didn’t look like i was having trouble with depression but it really feels similar to my first depressive episode. i know this isn’t as severe as that was because i remember crying in the bathroom at least once a day very hard, not eating anything, and generally being apathetic to life. i also usually pushed away the people close to me and didn’t want them around because i needed to be alone. in that sense, i guess it’s different now because i eat pretty regularly and a lot. even tho i cry i’ve only teared up a bit and it wasn’t violent sobbing. i still like doing my own thing but i can tolerate people in my space and even appreciate a bit of physical contact while we’re doing our own things. 

still, this mood isn’t like me. i’m feeling pretty ashamed that i haven’t been able to properly take care of myself and recently i don’t think i’ve been putting effort into maintaining my relationships. i’ve hardly spoken to my friend whom i know is having a rough time, i didn’t even think about it until my gf mentioned them. i’ve been avoiding my mother’s calls because i didn’t want her to see how much i didn’t take care of myself and make her worry. god i just cried when i typed that. i called her today but i didn’t even realize that i hadn’t called her for a long time until, again, my gf pointed it out to me. and i’m still crying. and just now my gf and i had a fight and i realized that i havent put in the effort that i usually do to smooth over the situation. in fact, i just perpetuated it. even as i sit here writing this i haven’t made any moves to try to make up with her and i’m just so, so tired.

i know recovery isn’t a straight line and if i give it a little introspection, i can see the minuscule progresses that i have made. i’m just having a little trouble coping with life right now and the people i usually fall back on, my family, aren’t really here and i don’t wanna worry them. i’m thinking about calling the suicide hotline just to have someone to talk to but my roommate and gf will hear me bc i’m in the living room. the only time i haven’t been feeling crushed by the weight of existing is when i consume media or lie my head on my cat. and i can’t even stay with my cat for long because she likes sleeping on a chair under the table and it’s really uncomfortable for me to stay there bc i have to sit on the floor and i can’t bring her to my bed because i’m pretty sure she’s only comfortable to sleep in the chair so i can’t move her but i can’t sleep by myself so i guess i’ll just stay awake all night.

maybe it’s internalized-ableism? i read that that was a thing and there was always this pressure to do something and be something and it actually kind of describes my experience? growing up in my school, UWC, and in Singapore, it was always a go-go-go let’s do-do-do- kind of mindset. you always had to think about your next step and make a plan and figure out what to do after. you had to keep going and never stop. the teachers were always finding ways to make you better, even if you were at the top. if you got satisfactory, it was a serious situation and you needed to improve. satisfactory wasn’t the average, and it was only spoken when you were worried about your grades.

i feel like if i’m not achieving something then i’m not worth anything. right now i’m just existing and even though that’s hard and i’m not accomplishing things that other people can, like laundry or organizing or working or homework or even going to class, i’m doing things that still matter like enjoying the media i consume and eating and giving myself some sort of interaction even if it’s just with a cat. i’m believe that i’m in a better place than i was last year. i really believe that even if i’m typing as i’m crying again.

i’m tired and exhausted from the overbearing pressure of just being but existing shouldn’t be a burden. even if my habits aren’t sustainable or productive, i’m still existing. i’m accomplishing something by just being alive. if the bar is set too high then change the bar. i choose to accomplish something today and even though i feel it was less than what i accomplished yesterday, that doesn’t invalidate my achievement today!

i know my memory is shit and i’m probably going to forget this very soon but i will focus on just existing for now. keeping myself alive seems like a doable task and as long as i keep doing that, i can try again tomorrow.

i can try again tomorrow because i am alive.

[yellowsounds124-blog]

----

I have something I need to share. Not with you, with someone else but that'll never happen, its simply not possible, but I need this off my chest and dont have a safe place for it. With your stance on abortion, I figured you would be a good place, sense you wont see the fetus in this story as a "clump of cells" Growing up, my dad was not okay. He was abusive. It took me years and years to say this because through all the running away and calling the police, not going home- I was told over and over that it was fine because he wasnt raping me or punching me in the face. The pushing, screaming inches from my face, tearing apart my stuff, throwing things at me, making me change in front of him, refusing to be by me in public if I didnt look good enough...didnt matter. I was told I was being ridiculous and should be greatful. My friends.. I would beg them please dont leave me alone with him if he ask you to leave the room. But they always would what were they suppose to do? I wouldnt be allowed to talk to anyone to go out for months at a time. So there was a huge foundation of fear, and protecting myself. At some point, i met this guy (brother of my friend), and I just loved him, and he loved me to. He was a POC, once we started with each other his sister hated me for some reason, which made his mom hate me. And my parents hated him (I later figured this was a race and class thing for my father) so being together involved a lot of sneaking around, a lot of giving up, a lot of trying again, the sneaking around would get me in more trouble, especially if it was known it was with him. At this point, I didnt tell anyone how bad it was, I started self mutation. If I wasnt with him (we will call him Kay for the sake of thevstory) I would do any drug I could get and have sex or mess with whoever showed interest (well almost). It was how I would cope as I didnt think I could tell anyone. How could I say anything about what I was going through when I had a friend being raped by her brother, a friend who's dad just up and left, a friend whos mom called her fat and made her diet? I was literally a wreck and the worst part of the cycle was being this wreck made him more angry, he'd treat me worse, and I'd further wreck myself. So about Kay, we went on and off for years, then he moved in with a friend who was only a street away, I wasnt at a 8-3 school anymore and he graduated do it was really easy to be together. I immediately broke up with this other guy I was seeing (we will call him Colin) that my dad liked so I would use him to be able to leave the house ect so I could be with Kay. It was only a month and a half of perfection before it started falling apart. Kay wanted to talk to my father, he didnt know what things were like except that he didnt like him. He thought he could talk to him about how much he loved me and make things better, and I freaked out. He knew I was hurting myself, a few months before my father** had saw the marks and yelled at me asking if I was crazy, asking what the hell was wrong with me, telling me it was disgusting and I stayed in a padded room for a night before being released sense I wasnt suicidal, and Kay saw on my body that I had found a new more hidden place after that incident. He thought he could save me, and we would get married and be happy, but I knew if he went to talk to my father that my father would send him off and I would pay for trying such a thing. * That's when I made multiple huge mistakes that I havent shared with people, 9 years later. First, i broke up with him and told him i didnt even like him and needed time to discover myself,stuff like that. I never stopped loving him. To this day, I'm sure I'd still fall apart at his touch. *Within that same week, I missed my period, I again wasnt able to leave the house, I bought a tested while at the store with my mom, was caught and ordered to take it as soon as we were back. This was bad because if it was negative, I was going to be in trouble for basically no reason. And again this "trouble" wasnt normal. It meant my things wouldbe torn apart. I would be held down and screamed at, spit on not allowed to talk. But it wasnt negative, it was positive. And my mom was waiting downstairs, and I knew this only had a small handful of outcomes. Either they would send me off and have me give the baby up for adoption while being under close watch the whole time, or they would make me get rid of the baby. Abortion. So I did the first thing that came to mind, I called Colin. I told him I was pregnant and it was his. And that I couldnt talk right now. Then I told my mom, and immediately told her that Colin knew. To me, this was security. If he knew, someone would be checking in on me, he would tell his parents, another adult would he involved, if I disappeared there would be questions. And I knew I was right because I told my mom he knew and immediately she was upset I did that. I went in for an ultrasound, found out how far I was, quickly gave Colin a photo and shut the door on him. And the problems started. The dates dont match up, Colin said. I told him hes wrong. His parents wanted a paternity test, I said that's not possible itll hurt the baby. They claimed it wouldnt. I convinced Colin it was his and I just knew. He knew i had been seeing Kay but took my word.Then i heard from Kay, he heard I was pregnant. If he even thought it was his he would be at my door, trying to figure things out, trying to talk to my parents. But my father would not respect him the way he would Colin, so if anyone knew it was Kay's, I would be hurt, punished, sent away. I was terrified, I cant even explain the level of panic I had for my safety. I told Kay it wasnt his, there was no single way, and to leave me alone forever. It hurt so much to tell him that, it felt so wrong and I hated it and I knew it hurt him and I was so broken over it. After that, i was still stuck. The dates didnt match, Colin's parents wanted a paternity test, *the baby was partly a POC and might not come out white, so I wouldnt be able to pass them off as Colin's. I couldnt sleep. My father wasmt speaking to me and wasnt even around, really. I stayed in my room. My parents were pushing for me to get an abortion. "Were just going to the clinic so you can see what its like" my mom said when she took me to the abortion clinic. It was down a stair case, there were no protesters. They took my blood, they walked me through everything and asked when they could set up an appointment. They asked me one time if I wanted to do this, in front of my mom who stared me down. When she brought me back, she paid extra for them to put me to sleep. While I waited with the IV and the last ultra sound pictures I'd have done, I started crying. My mom wasnt there for this part, a nurse asked me why I was crying, she was so angry about it. I said sorry and tried to stop. She didnt ask if i wanted to do this, no one told me that i was at the point where the baby was like a small miniature looking baby, only slightly misshapen. No one told me it had tiny hands and feet, or what they would do with it afterward. And no one made sure i wanted this. When I went in the room I was alone with a Male doctor, and I remember how unusual that was as I had always been asked if I wanted someone else in the room if left with a Male doctor. And I laid on the doctor bed, and I remember think I should say something, this is my last chance, and then I was asleep. When I woke up I was given pads, they told my mom, not me, even though I was 17, that I would bleed for a few days. I never went to the check up appointment. I stayed in my room, I scanned every blood clot for a piece of the baby. I slept and cried, when I heard from Colin I told him that I lost the baby. That's all. I lost the baby. People spread rumors it wasnt ever real. I didn't care. I didnt leave my room. I didnt shower, I barely ate. I gave up Kay, and all my friends connected to him, Colin started dating my bestfriend and they talked shit about me, I lost everyone connected to them. I was just alone. My father came back and was around more. They never talked to me about it, never asked if I was okay. I was like that for months, before finding friends online, forcing myself to listen to happy music, go out, pretending. Fake it till you make it. I met two people, we will call Slw and Ice- who helped me in that time more than they will ever know because they didnt know about it. Slw once asked why we didnt hang out with my friends and I got really upset with him but they both helped me so much. Ice reminded me it was okay to hurt and not be okay, he just didnt know what about. I made more friends, I am so greatful for every single one because they are the only reason I dudnt take my own life in those following years. Things got bad again. I got bad. I am better now, I have kids. People say I am a good mom. But ever sense "getting better" I think about that baby everyday. I worry life will take one of my babies that are here because I let that one die. How can I be a good mom when I let that happen? And I dont deserve them. And I am so sorry to that child. I could have found another way. I could have spoke more. That childs dad would have loved them and had no choice. I hate myself for this, every day. And again, have no where to go to talk about it. Like I said I just needed to get it off my chest because it eats me alive, everyday. Regardless of if people think abortion is right or wrong. To me, I know I got rid of a baby with a future, and its minimalized.

[myprehrtdiary]

4/30/19 - Morning

I woke up today in my skirt after going to bed in it, its upsetting knowing I have to be conscious of when I have it on and listen outside of my door to make sure nobody walks in because there is no lock. But the feeling of waking up, looking down and not immediately seeing the thing I hate more then anything is relaxing, especially when its my nice navy blue skirt. I also have been wearing panties underneath my clothing to help with the dysphoria. 

I got up today and just stared at the ceiling thinking about last night. A friend revealed some very personal information after a night of drinking together on a discord server. The server itself is very small and if it was any bigger I dont think I could even stomach the idea of being in VC. My voice is very deep and growing up I remember being told by lots of cis women that they found it attractive and masculine. I absolutely hate it, but it does carry presence and people tend to listen when they hear something they like so atleast in conversation it works nicely. I have been voice training for around two weeks, I have a nice range and have been able to surprise people when I go from high to such a low. Right now I use my new voice full time when I talk to two people, who I both love dearly and each mean so much to me. I have been told I am making nice progress which is very flattering, later tonight i’ll post a vocaroo or something. I dont think i’m some wonder prodigy at all or that I dont have to work on it, I want to work on it even more everyday but because of the people I live with it is difficult too when its not late at night and everybody is sleeping. Luckily i’m 100% nocturnal and my room has somewhat decent sound proofing so as long as I keep my voice somewhat down I can practice. 

I attempted to get out of bed and noticed my headphones had been tangled around my neck and it had immediately reminded me of a past suicide attempt. Great way to start off the day. I had eventually gotten up and went into the shower. I have to make sure to put my underwear inside the pocket of my pants or deep into the leg hole so it cant be seen at first glance if someone were to walk into the bathroom anyway. I shaved my arms, stomach, chest and crotch (which is always awful but I tell myself i’ll feel better with no hair anyway). My penis makes a lot of things difficult, I haven't been able to masturbate without crying or at least feeling even more depressed in years, morning wood is always an awful way to start the day and using the bathroom has always felt embarrassing and disgusting. I have been trying to sit down when I pee but the habit of doing it standing up for 20 years has still got a grip on me, although I am making a conscious effort not to stand up.

After getting out of the shower I had shaved my face which I have done everyday for the last month as soon as I wake up. I was finally able to put my underwear back on. They’re styled like japanese pantsu and even have a cute little ribbon in the front. In a couple hours I have to get birthday dinner with my little brother, hes turning 17 today and i’m really proud of him. Hes turned out alot nicer then myself and I hope he never has to struggle mental illness and can live a nice normal life. I dont know how my social anxiety will do, I havent gotten out of the house in 9 days before yesterday, I needed to get orange juice for my vodka so I had to go to the gas station and pick some up. luckily when paying you can just remain quiet, pay and leave. I dont like leaving my room in general let alone the house, nothing bad can happen in my little hole and the only times I need to leave are to shower or grab food. I have also been doing a one meal fast since yesterday and after 4-5 days I feel a nice afterglow. 

I need to leave and head out to red lobster so i’m going to end this here. Right now, yes I want to start HRT