#i havent been so mentally ill over a podcast in years

[cy-guy1518]

Throws myself headlong into the malevolent fandom with some really old jarthur

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[depressionisabiotch]

Today was a bad day

May 9th

today was a bad day. this week hasnt been great but today was the worst and its partly my fault. you see, im currently going to uni for engineering bc i hate myself apparently. and im a dumbass, so you can see the issue here. I go to a very good uni reputation wise, but its hard as fuck, and engineering is hard as fuck. lets just say 2 students from difficult degrees commited suicide in the same campus building within a year of eachother. so, its some hard shit. 

i did not do well first semester, but i had extenuating circumstances, filed a petition and the uni was nice and withdrew the 3 courses i had absolutley tanked. so yay! you werent the only reasoning i had on my petition but depression you were finally good for something. So i then repeated the 3 courses i had tanked in second semester along with 2 other courses, and a seminar course, so 6 in total. then i was going to take the 3 courses i pushed from second semester during the summer term.

good news is: i passed 4/6 courses! bad news is that i failed linear algebra again, along with my electrical course, and i had only just scraped by with a 50 in calc and static mechanics that i repeated. so i was fucked. my average was 50.4% for 2nd term (as seminar course doesnt count towards it) which means i was so fucked. 

basically i have to repeat 1st year again in september. Don’t have to repeat the 2 classes i passed 1st semester the first time i did it, but have to repeat Linear algebra bc i got a 45, and i have to fucking repeat Calc and mechanics a-fucking-gain bc i got below a 70 so i dont retain the credit for them from 2nd semester bc i failed that semester. and i’ll actually only be a part-time student bc im only taking those 3 courses. And then the next semester ill be taking the electrical course i failed, and the 3 courses i was going to take this summer. dont have to retake the seminar or the 6th course bc i got a 68 in it and my advisor says that theyll most likely let me keep the credit bc its a v v work intensive course and my grade is close enough to the 70% requirement. 

so getting that news sucked major ass. and it really threw me off balance bc it changed up my entire plan for the summer and took away my routine. I dont do well at all with sudden change. if i know its coming then i can mentally prepare, but if its sudden like this then my entire world feels off. So my mental health has not been the greatest during the school year and then this curveball just took me out. ive just been sleeping the past 3 days which i know is bad, and then yesterday i ate absolute trash all day, and i hadnt been outside except for a brief 15 minute trip to the store for the trash i ate at like 10pm on the 7th. i was goign to go outside yesterday, the sun was out, but i just didnt. slept instead. which was bad. if i had gone out then maybe today wouldnt have been so bad

i woke up today and was just bad. my head hurts with a headache and just thoughts as well. didnt want to get up or do anything. wanted to rip my skin off. i accidentally kicked something on my floor and almost had a breakdown. couldnt sleep but was so tired. didnt want to read anything or watch anything. cried a bit in my bed bc i was so frustrated. just wanted it to stop and to feel better, but i dont know what to do to make myself feel better. 

i did what felt impossible. i put on some music to try and give me even a tiny boost and i got up out of bed. i went downstairs to the bathroom, put new clothes on, and laid on my floor and put a podcast on. had a small snack. just chilled on my floor for a bit. Then i went outside to go run the errands i had to do today. went to the grocery store to get sauce for my dinner, went to the drugstore to pick up my meds refill and my insurance wasnt on file or something and im still in no headspace to actually think correctly or interact with anyone so when the lady asked me if i had private insurance and i said yes then she asked if it was through my school i just said yes bc i was about 3 seconds away from a breakdown if she asked me another question. so then i gave her my student card and she went and did the thing. I technically should have given her my parents insurance, but i dont have a union card or any of the info for it, and i paid for the student healthcare plan anyways so you know what, fuck you uni, you can pay for my meds this time. then i ended up going back to the store to get a salad for lunch with leftovers for tomorrow as well.

when i got back i was so exhausted, so i laid down for a few minutes, had lunch and then got back into bed. I’ve now just been laying down in my bed since then but i havent gone back to bed yet so thats good. then i had the wonderful idea to make this blog bc i needed to get it all out. and maybe this will help, talking about my feelings and all that shit. a therapist would probably be a good idea, but this is what i’ve got for now. my headache is back in full force, and i still just feel icky all over and like my head is full of clouds and fluff and fuzziness and like i wont ever feel joy again, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

going to write a list of things i have to do tomorrow bc im heading back home on the 11th and need to get things sorted. 

i’ll lay here for a bit longer and then i’ll have to get up and make dinner eventually. going to learn how to make minute rice for the first time. maybe i’ll watch something nice on netflix, dont have the energy for reading right now. maybe some john mulaney, or ill rewatch avatar again.

until next time, keep kicking lifes bitch ass by being alive

[sinceileftyoublog]

Jessica Moss Interview: Failed Truths

Photo by Joseph Yarmush

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Best known for her work Godspeed You! Black Emperor and Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra, violinist and sound artist Jessica Moss has developed a prolific and provocative solo career. Late last year, she released Entanglement, her second solo album. Like its predecessor Pools of Light, it’s divided into two distinct parts--this time around, a 20-minute track called “Particles” inspired by quantum theory and four numbered tracks of “Fractals”. An excellent record, it shows Moss continuing what made past releases so successful, the combination of layered, building, heady studio composition with raw and wonderful spontaneity.

I spoke to Moss about Entanglement from her home in Montreal last month the morning after her record release show. Be sure to catch her on tour right now opening for Julia Holter, including Thursday at Thalia Hall, and read the interview, edited for length and clarity, below.

Since I Left You: Entanglement has two distinct parts, the first inspired by quantum theory. When did your interest in quantum theory begin?

Jessica Moss: My interest in that started and ended just by hearing about entanglement theory almost in passing. I was listening to a podcast about something else, and they casually mentioned entanglement theory and how it works, with two particles becoming entangled and affecting each other at a great distance and forever. It blew my mind and opened up my doors about magical thinking and human entanglement and the way we affect each other. I found it romantic, and beautiful, and sad, and terrifying. It was an explosion of ideas, and I started working from there. I don’t have much of a grasp on the science behind it. The fact of it was the inspiration. It made me think more about us in the world. It’s pretty incredible.

SILY: The second part of the album saw you experiment with live recording--you recorded, amplified, and sampled.

JM: I always record that way. I pull things completely apart and then carefully put them back together.

SILY: So what differentiates the four parts of “Fractals”?

JM: Basically, I had this melody that had jumped into my mind and fingers. I’d play around with it every time I picked up my violin at a soundcheck. I knew I wanted it to be a focus for the record I was going to make. I was trying to find the perfect iteration and the perfect arrangement to feature this melody, and I kept trying to make the perfect version of it, and I kept failing at that. I would create the arrangements around it but couldn’t fit the melody in properly. But looking at what I had created around [the melody], I fell in love with [the arrangements] instead. It became a search for truth in a way. I was trying to express this one true thing, but I couldn’t. It made me meditate on, “What is truth?” Maybe the work you do around searching for truth is the truth. These four tracks are both failed attempts and better versions of this melody. It became a metaphor for allowing imperfect things to be perfect in their own way.

SILY: How do you adapt the tracks to a live performance?

JM: So far, I’ve been able to adapt only two of four “Fractals”--the one that’s all vocals and the last one, I feel that I can’t properly express them live by myself. I’m inspired and excited about gathering some kind of ensemble in the next while to be able to play those two parts that I feel need others with me, and also parts of the previous record I haven’t been able to express live either, the whole second half called “Glaciers”.

SILY: The parts you do perform live--when you’re on stage, do you go through that same mental truth-seeking shift when you’re up there?

JM: Yes, very much so. The “Fractals” pieces have sort of transformed as I performed them live. I travel usually by myself when I tour--no transportation, no sound manager--it’s just me, my pedals, and my violin when I show up. It’s given me this beautiful opportunity to give me a window into community efforts to put on shows. Communities of people who put on shows are little microcosms of communities working together. If I’m lucky, it’s a collective working on it, and I can witness and appreciate the different ways that collectives work. I can see similarities and differences everywhere I go. To me, it’s the most beautiful idea and thing in the world--people working together for the sake of working together and doing something good. In a small way, to put on a show, but in a big way, to change the world. I’m a solo vessel right now--a satellite--but I’ve had [collective work] in my life, and I look forward to having it again in my life. But right now, I feel a bit like a researcher of collective work. Somehow, the two pieces I do perform called “Fractals” have meant more to me as a meditation of working together. I think about that when I perform those two. When I perform the “Particles” side, I’m thinking about everybody in the room--connection, romance, heartbreak. I’m a pretty emotional performer, I’d say. [laughs]

SILY: In the past, you’ve been part of collectives--like some of the bands you’ve been in--but now you say you’re more of a researcher. What have you observed about commonalities between collectives?

JM: There are similar dynamics at play. Similar personalities get drawn in, and similar difficulties occur between people aiming towards the same point. I almost feel like the closer in kind the people are aiming towards the point, the more difficulties there are. If you’re almost on the same page as someone, it can be more painful than being on a completely different page. So I’ve observed dynamics that interrupt good work but also heroic efforts to get over those dynamics and point towards the original goal. That’s the most beautiful moment--learning to allow for small differences and working towards what you’re trying to do. Sometimes, it fails when you’re trying to get there.

SILY: Do you feel like the material, when you play it, takes on its own life? Has it expanded beyond when it was recorded?

JM: Absolutely. Entanglement I toured a lot before I recorded it, as did I “Entire Populations” on [Pools of Light]. Just by coincidence, the records had a similar experience in that the first half is something I created by playing it live, building it slowly but surely into what it was, but the other half came out of my mind as a goal and was created more in the studio. I have played “Particles” now 60 times live. It is never once the same exactly. The day it starts feeling like I’m playing something the exact same way I did yesterday, I’ll move on. I don’t want to put on a show that’s easy and that I can count on. Every night, it’s affected by who is there, the room, the amps I’m borrowing, the promoters that are there, the conversations I’ve had. It all feeds into that evening’s performance.

SILY: What else are you working on at the moment?

JM: I’ve been incredibly busy, so everything I’m working on at the moment has been in my mind. In terms of my own stuff, I feel like I could go into the studio and make another record right now, but that’s impractical, so I’m going to take my time and work slowly. I hope to have another release as soon as I can. [laughs]

SILY: Is there anything you’ve been listening to, reading, or watching that’s caught your attention?

JM: There’s so much in my mind right now, but I’ve been listening to the sound of wolves howling. I just listen to different recordings of wolves howling. I actually played some last night at my launch [show]. I came across somebody posting something about wolves howling, and I thought about how it’s such a beautiful type of communication. I wish we could communicate like that instead of the Internet. I wish we could go outside and howl longingly and talk about this fucking fucked up world. So basically, yeah, that’s what I would say is what I’m most thinking about at the moment.