#i havent been crashing out over everything or over worried about every little thing

[partingoftheways]

my hair is past my shoulders, I've gained 10 lbs, and I've taken my meds every single day for three months 💖

[starglow-xx]

retrouvaille

nakajima atsushi x f!reader

fandom: bungou stray dogs

content: hurt comfort, fluff

warning! : mentions of abuse

type of work: one-shot

synopsis: he left the orphanage, and that meant he had to leave you too; fortunately, this time, it seems like the universe was on your side

a/n: this is kinda self indulgent bc ive been feeling kinda down lately...?? and this has been sitting in my drafts for a while now and i havent posted in a while so killing three birds w/ one stone ig

the word retrouvaille is a french noun...

The moment you stepped foot into the armed detective agency, heterochromia eyes met your (e/c) ones.

You notice several agents talking and walking over to assist you, but you drown them out only having focus on the gray haired male ten feet away from you.

Said male takes a small step forward with uncertainty and disbelief laced in his voice.

“(y-y/n)...?” 

At the sound of your name, your eyes immediately begin to water and with pure relief in your voice, you softly sob his name; the name of the boy who comforted you when you were both still in that wretched place.

“Atsushi...”

With all hesitation gone, Atsushi runs over to you shoving through his surprised and confused coworkers and wraps his arms tightly around you.

The force of the hug causes the both of you to stumble and harshly crash to the ground beneath you.

But the two of you didn’t care.

In his arms was a person Atsushi thought he’d never be able to see again.

In his arms was the same girl who snuck him food from the kitchens, the girl who stole medical supplies from the infirmary to treat his wounds, to take care of him when he was sick, and the girl who received punishment after punishment for insisting on staying with him inside his damn cell.

You gave him happiness in place where he should’ve never been able to receive it.

As if he ever felt like he deserved it in the first place.

You’re too good for him, but yet you still chose him.

You, his sweet and kind, his so very kind, and so very beautiful girlfriend, chose him, the cursed, good for nothing orphan.

The orphanage staff treated you considerably better before the two of you were acquainted, so Atsushi knew he was the problem. That he was the reason why tears would fall onto your beautiful face, why bruises and scars would litter your arms and legs, and why the staff would call you awful, degrading nicknames about you and or your virtue.

He had always thought that he wasn’t good for you, that he didn’t deserve you, that you could do better, but you stayed by his side regardless of his fears and insecurities, and provided him the strength and comfort he had always been deprived of.

And to his very surprise, he found that you found your own strength and comfort in him.

So he knew that you must of cried for weeks after he was kicked out, that you must’ve been devastated to wake up one morning only to learn that he was gone without a trace.

There wasn’t a single day that he never thought of you.

Atsushi wanted to go back for you, he really did; he wanted to storm into the orphanage with members of the armed detective agency, his new family, right at his tail before eventually reuniting with you.

But he didn’t do that.

Ultimately, he chose to leave you out of the mess that came with his job knowing that you would be eventually targeted and used against him if anyone found out about what he had with you.

So he kept quiet.

No mafioso, government agent, foreign organization, nor agency member had a clue about your connection with him, much less your existence.

He told himself that when things have calmed down by a considerable amount, he would go back and get you, with or without the agency backing him up.

Unfortunately, he knew that time of peace was far from the present.

But to see you, in your beautiful glory, standing at the threshold of the agency? 

His original plan to keep you away from Yokohoma flew out the damn window. 

At the sight of you, his heart did backflips and his legs almost gave out. 

Ignoring the jelly feeling in his legs and the loud pounding of his heart, he raced around the desks and his coworkers—nearly fully crashing into Dazai in the process—to once more engulf you into his arms.

As for you?

When you saw him, you felt like you were going to pass out.

Your legs grew weak, your entire body was shaking, and tears started to fall down your face.

He was here.

He was safe and he was alive.

You mourned his abrupt disappearance from the orphanage and spent most of your time worrying about his well being.

The staff thought you were pathetic, that you sulked and cried over someone who they thought should disappear off the face of the earth.

They could insult and beat you all you want, but you drew the line when it came to Atsushi.

Finally having enough of everything, you planned your escape.

You were patient; you never jumped the gun nor gave anything away. You planned everything to the very last, minute detail, and after a few more months of abuse and waiting, you put your plan into action and left in the dead of night.

Thankfully, a kind old couple took you after you had collapsed in the streets. You worked job after job after job to return everything they had spent on your behalf even after they had told you not to worry about it.

And after another few weeks, you finally caught wind of your lost boyfriend tracking him down to Yokohoma through an old newspaper article.

Knowing your boyfriend, and yourself, you knew that tears would easily escape both of your eyes due to the long duration of your separation, but you weren’t expecting to find yourself crashing onto the floors of the armed detective agency curtesy of Atsushi. 

But, you wouldn’t have it any other way because in your arms was the boy who gave you comfort during the most darkest days in the orphanage, the boy who laid you in his lap or on his stomach stroking your hair so you would fall asleep, and the boy who often threw himself in front of you so you would remain unharmed.

You choked on your sobs as you tightened your own hold on him and they gradually grew louder as you buried your face into the shoulder of his white button up.

Through his own choked sobs and teary eyes, Atsushi gently maneuvered the two of you so that you would be lying on his stomach—a familiar position the two of you would lay in back in the orphanage.

He gently stroked his fingers through your hair and softly rubbed your back as he whispered the familiar sweet nothings into your ears.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

“I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re okay...”

“I’m here, just let it all out..”

Overwhelmed with your emotions, his sweet words only started to make you cry more.

You’ve missed him so much.

Your tears easily soaked his both his shirt and his neck, and you tried to speak only for you to choke up. Atsushi simply just started to shush you—as you would to a baby—and placed a kiss to your forehead as he continued to comfortingly stroke your hair and rub your back.

With the both of you off into your own little world, a world consisting only of the two of you, reactions and looks from the Armed Detective Agency went unnoticed.

It didn’t take long for them to realize the kind of relationship you and Atsushi had.

But what surprised them was Atsushi’s behavior.

The young adult they knew tended to be unsure of everything, including himself, and stammered whenever he was nervous.

But the young adult currently in front of them had this new aura of maturity; he didn’t hesitate to touch you or to comfort you, and for the first time they’ve seen in a while, he was sure of himself; he wasn’t nervous at all.

With the amount of comfortability Atsushi had around you, and the tender, loving care he showered you in, it was clear that you certainly were someone special to their tiger.

Your sobs slowly turned to small hiccups, and Atsushi’s face turned to one of pure tranquility and content, having his lover back in his arms.

Although having calmed down, what Atsushi said to you next made you want to start bawling all over again.

“I’m sorry I left you, and I promise I didn’t forget about you,” he whispered softly, “I thought of you every day. I still do. The thought of being able to see you again is what kept me going.”

You buried yourself further into his shoulder as you gripped his white button up in your hands.

“And thanks to the armed detective agency, I’m stronger now. I won’t let anybody hurt you, not anymore. That, I promise you.”

Actually taking a look up from you, Atsushi ended up locking eyes with Dazai, who had a gentle look on his face.

His senior only closed his eyes, tilted his head down softly, and lightly chuckled before opening his brown eyes once more, giving Atsushi a look of approval.

The gray haired teen’s eyes widened slightly as he looked around the room only to be met with similar looks of approval and gentleness from his seniors and coworkers.

He felt his eyes tear up again, but instead let out a relieved sigh as he tightened his hold on you slightly.

“Hey Atsushi...” you softly murmured.

Equally as soft, he answered, “Yes (y/n)?”

“...I love you...”

Your lover smiled before placing another kiss onto your forehead.

“I love you too (y/n)”

At last, the girl he loved was back in his arms, and the boy you loved was back within your reach.

And neither of you were ever going to let each other go again.

and it means, the joy of meeting or finding someone again after a long separation, a rediscovery

as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[kaz11283]

Of Course I'm Here

Characters: Come on you know by now how this goes (Loki x you) (Team x you, platonic)

Warnings: None. And really if you ever see anything that I might need to able as a warning please let me know... I'm the person who forgets there are people out there that get offened by the word F*** if that is an exapmle of anything.

Summary: Mid battle and the avengers keep looking for an answer as to why the God of Lies hasnt showed up yet. Of course you have no idea but at least he proves them all wrong.

ANNOUNCEMENT TIME: hey guys Im back, I know it hasnt been long but I also know I havent been posting every single day like I was, i got into a weird little funk where I didnt want to do anything, I was just feeling completly drained, and I felt bad because I have my little and I didnt even want to play with her because I have just been so TIRED, but I'm feeling better. Work has been kicking my ass here lately and ive been working over 50 hours a week so ive literally been coming in, eatting / feeding the little, getting us ready for bed, and crashing as soon as she falls asleep. But im here now. I will probably be more active on weekends than during the week because I have more time to spend working on stuff but I will be posting also during the week just not daily. At least until after state comes. Thank you so much for the reblogs, likes, comments, follows, and messages please keep them coming! If you would like to be tagged please ask or message, and requests are open. Love you guys so much! 💚💚💚💚💚

Loki Masterlist

~~~~~

"Y/N, BACK UP I NEED BACK UP! EYES IN THE SKY!" Tony yelled from above, you and Clint stood back to back on a roof top shooting as many bad guys as you could. Clint took aim at another carrier, shooting at the engine causing the entire thing to blow up raining debris and hot metal around you.

"Damnit Clint! Farther away make sure they are farther away!" You yelled popping him on the head with an arrow before aiming it at the thing that was chasing Tony.

"Where is lover boy at? You.sent him the location right?" Nat asked into the com.

"Yes I sent him the location, no I dont know where hes at." You mocked.

"Did you send him the right location?" Sam asked.

"One time, one dam-"

"Language!" Steve chimed in causing everyone to groan. Gun shots where ringing all around you and you could here metal on metal paired with Hulk screams coming from another building over.

"Language." You mocked muting your com son that no one but Clint heard you. "I am a 26 year old woman, I think I'm old enough to cuss if I want." You drew back your bow and sent another arrow flying into another goon that had Nat trapped aginst a wall. She shot you a thumbs up before running off. You hit unmute on your com.

"Jesus, 26? Baby, you sure you don't need to be at a babysitter instead of on a building killing things?" He laughed.

"Dont worry Hawk, when we get done here I've already booked you a nice nursing home to be put into." You put your bow around you and stood on the edge of the building. "I need a better view." You looked round, the top of a taller building caught you eye. "There Hawk, we can cover a better radius from up there, get closer to the action."

"DOES ANYONE KNOW WHEN THE GODS ARE GOING TO BE HERE? WE NEED MORE HELP WERE GETTING TIRED AND OUT NUMBERED!" Tony came over the coms screaming.

"How do we get up there? Or do I even wanna know?" Hawk came to examin where you were talking about.

"Im jumping, you cant tell me that someone wont catch me." You shrug.

"GODS WHERE ARE TH- Y/N DONT YOU DARE JUMP!" Tony stopped and hovered right were you was standing.

"Then take us over there. We need higher ground, we cant cover everyone from down here." You crossed your arms.

"Where are the gods at y/n?" He asked again

"I. Dont. Know. Jesus you guys act like I'm suppose to be there keeper!" A simultaneous you are came from everone through the com causing you to roll your eyes. "Hes gonna be here I swear it! Now take me to the building or I jump. 1.....2....-" Tony grabbed you by the collar of your jacket and flew you to the building.

God these things were everywhere and you were starting to run out of arrows. After shooting another ship and causing it to blow you heard what was unmistakably pounding on the roof top door leading to where you currently was at.

"I have some univited guests about to join my party. Anyone available for some assistance?" You yanked out the two emerald green and silver daggars that your boyfriend had given you not long after you had started dating after throwing your bow around you.

"Buy some time kid, I'm on ground level right now but I can try to get up there as fast as possible." Bucky called over the com.

"Buy some time? Ok. I can do this. I work better from afar but a little hand to hand never hurt anyone, just easier to get stabbed this way." The first of the things busted through the door running straight at you. You jerked out of the way missing his staff by just a few inches. Quickly turning you flipped the dagger like Loki had showed you and stabbed him in his side causing him to fall to the ground before the next one tried to impale you.

"I have two daggers and they have freaking staffs! Back up! WHERE THE HELL AR-" you were interupted by static in the air and a bright light. The bitfrost had just opened up leaving to gods standing in front of you and taking out the remainder ofnthe bad guys. "HES HERE! I TOLD YOU GUYS THEY WERE COMING AND THEY'RE HERE." You pulled two extra coms from you pocket and gave them to Thor and Loki.

"Always a pleasure to battle beside you Lady y/n." Thor smiled takkng the com and putting it in his ear before taking off again.

Loki sauntered over to you and put his arm around you waist, you put the com in his ear as he rolled his eyes. He leaned down and gave you a quick kiss.

"You got a new outfit." You smiled at him. God the way he looked in his battle clothe always did something to you, the horned helment was a plus.

"You like it." He smirked down at you pulling you closer.

"Your wearing your horns to." You reached up and brushed a peice if hair behind his ear.

"STOP. STOP NOW. WE CAN HEAR EVERYTHING AND ITS GROSS." Tony yelled causing you both to roll your eyes.

"Quick run down, bad guys everywhere, no end in sight, and I'm out of arrows pretty sure Hawk is too." Loki waved his hand over your quiver making more arrows appear.

"I see you had to use your daggers. I am sorry for not being here. Are you hurt anywhere?" He asked stepping away from you to examin you.

"Small cut on the side, nothing I havent dealt with before, Ill be fine. You go make sure Hawk is fully stocked up and help the others. I got a birds eye view of you right here." I leaned in kissing him one more time before smiling at him and pushing him away. He kissed his two finger before placimg them over his heart and you did the same, "always." You both said before he disappered.

You could hear Thor laughing at the chaos going on and Steve trying to direct the god of thunder on what to do. You had learned earlier to just let him do his own thing and he would be fine. Tony was still trying to micromanage everything when you heard Loki mumble something in an old language and his com cut out. You had figured it wouldnt have stayed on to long though but at least you had tried. It had calmed down up on your end so you decided to finally go back down to where Clint was at shooting an arrow with heavy duty rope you glided back down next to him to watch what was going on.

"Hello, earth to y/n." He snapped his fingers in front of your face. You had been to busy staring at Loki and that damn helmet. "I dont even understand why were friends." He rolled his eyes propping up on the ledge watching as the rest of the team secured the last of the bad guys.

"Because we both shoot arrows, because we are both the best in the team, or because we both know we are the best looking one on the team so we have to stick together." You laughed jumping up so you could sit on the ledge.

"The birds can come out of their nest now." Bucky called over the coms causing you both to sigh.

When you and Clint had reached the bottom you walked over to Thor theowing your arms around the big goof ball.

"You are amazing during battle as always." He beemed patting you on the shoulder.

"As always? Thor youve only fought with her twice." Steve said beside you.

"I had a week off. Went to Asguard, spent time with the boys. Someone had to keep them in line." You shrugged like it was no big deal.

"She was amazing!" Thor went on telling the story of the fight you had all gotten into.

"Mothers been asking about you by the way dear. Wants to know if you've decided to come stay for a while." Loki leaned down and whispered in your ear.

"I think I'm leaning toward a yes. I can't stand being away from you, you had been gone forever this time." You reached for his hand as you both walked to the quinjet.

"I was making arrangements to have our room redone. I figured you would come with me." He gave you a knowing smirk as he reached up to take off his helmet.

"Leave the horns on. I have a suprise for you when we get home." You pulled his hand away from his head and smacked his butt.

"You are a little minx." He laughed chasing you into the jet while the rest of the team groaned and rolled their eyes.

"Even if you wasnt moving i would be kicking your ass out! I am so sick of the PDA between you two." Tony hollared after you.

"Leave them alone Tony, they are courting. Im just glad my brother is happy and not trying to stab me." Thor clapped Tony on the back.

~~~~~

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[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Home - Part 6

A/N- Just a little filler chapter because i havent updated in a while 💕

Walking into the Barnes house Brooke and Allie ran straight for their Uncle Steve, both diving onto his lap clearly happy to see him.

"How are my favorite girls today?" Steve asked them with a huge smile, he really did love these girls... it was too cute.

"I had a picnic with Y/N at school, it was so much fun"

"You did huh? That sounds fun, maybe Y/N will have a picnic with me one day?"

He winked at me making me shake my head "I've already had a picnic with you Steve" i said dropping my purse and the girls school bags in the corner.

"That doesn't count though, that was a family picnic"

I could see Bucky looking at Steve in confusion then at me, i rolled my eyes and headed to the kitchen.

"I'll make dinner, then i'll get out of your hair for the weekend Buck" i said over my shoulder.

"No don't worry about dinner i'll just order pizza tonight"

"Okay, well i'll be heading off then" i smiled turning to grab my purse.

"You should stay for dinner" Bucky said quickly with a hand on my arm "as a thank you for today"

"Yeah! please stay Y/N" Brooke said bouncing in her chair "we like having you eat dinner with us"

"Come on doll, what else will you be doing if you go home?"

"Probably just watch a movie and crash on the sofa after drinking too much wine" i scoffed "fine, i'll stay for pizza but then i have to go before you start getting bored of me"

"Never gonna happen" Bucky laughed "you staying too punk?" He asked turning to Steve.

"Sure, I'm not one to turn down pizza".

Dinner felt so awkward with Steve there after he asked me if i was sleeping with Bucky. Normally things were so easy and comfortable around Bucky and the girls but tonight was anything but. I felt like i had to watch what i said and how i acted and i just ended up feeling so awkward!

"You okay tonight, you've been quiet" Bucky asked taking a mouthful of his beer.

"Me? No I'm fine just tired i guess" i gave him a tight lipped smiled "actually I'm gonna head home Buck"

"Already? But its still early.... you don't have to go"

"Its probably better if i go now before i get too tired, don't wanna be driving and falling asleep now do i" i stood up and grabbed my purse from the floor in the corner of the living room and rummaged for my car keys.

"You boys have fun, i'll see you Monday" i smiled and made my way out to the car.

"Y/N wait" Bucky was suddenly following me outside, i let out a deep breath before turning to face him with a smile "yeah Buck? Whats up?"

"I just wanted to make sure your really okay? Has something happened? Did i say something to upset you....."

"What? No Buck. You haven't done anything i swear, I'm just tired. I get a little....." i waved my hand in front of me not knowing what to say "you know, when I'm tired. I'll be fine after a few hours sleep, recharge my batteries"

"Okay, you'd tell me if it was something more though right?"

"Of course"

"Well just call me if you need anything?"

"Sure, goodnight. Have a nice weekend with the girls" i smiled before climbing into my car and driving away.

BUCKY'S POV

I couldn't help but over think everything, usually Y/N was so chatty and happy but tonight she'd been quiet, distant even. Nervously shifting in her chair throughout dinner, barely looking at me.... she wouldn't even make eye contact with me for christ sake!

"She okay?" Steve asked when i walked back into the house.

"She says she is, just tired apparently"

"You don't believe her?"

"No" i shook my head "its always so natural with her here usually, we get along great and chat... even after the girls are in bed we'll sit and have a coffee and just hang out..... tonight it was like she couldn't wait to get away from us" i fell down onto the sofa with a sigh "she wouldn't even look at me man.... what if I've done something to upset her?? What if she leaves us??" I say starting to panic at the thought of Y/N leaving.

"Come on Buck, your over reacting pal. For one, Y/N wouldn't leave you guys she loves you. And second, what could you have possibly done?"

"Maybe it was too much at the school... but it cant be that she seemed fine at the school. It was when we got home"

"What happened at the school?" Steve asks raising his eyebrows.

"Joanne Harper is what happened at the school!" I groaned throwing my head back on the cushion "that bitch is pissed that i turned her down and is doing everything she can to make Allies school day hell"

"What did she do now?"

"Y/N heard her telling Allie she shouldn't be at a mother daughter picnic because she doesn't have a mom" i tell Steve clenching my fists at the thought of this woman being so spiteful to my baby girl.

"She did what now??" Steve was pissed!

"Yep, Y/N put her in her place though, said she'd knock Joanne on her ass"

"She really loves those girls" Steve said smiling at me "i can imagine her doing it, Joanne wants to watch her back. Y/N's like a lioness protecting her cubs" he laughed.

"I gotta admit Steve, i love having her in our lives. I love how she treats my girls, she's the closest thing to a mom they've had in a while"

"And your sure its all just about the girls?..."

"What do you mean?"

"Im just saying you seem pretty smitten Buck" i couldn't help but notice Steve looked smug as fuck!

"What you trying to get at Steve?" I asked feeling defensive all of a sudden.

"Im just saying it'd be okay if you wanted to ask Y/N out"

"W..who said i wanted to ask her out? She's our nanny for christ sakes Steve!"

My heart was racing all of a sudden.

"Buck you guys are practically together minus the sex" he scoffed "your raising kids together, she cooks you dinner every night when she only has to do the girls......"

"She's just being nice...." was he right?? Was there something more between us but we're both blind to it?

"Sure she is pal"

“still doesn't explain why she was distant though..."

"Oh fuck it, that could be my fault" Steve said dropping his face into his hands and groaning.

"Steve..... what the fuck did you do?" I asked suddenly feeling nervous.

"I said how id noticed the two of you were getting kinda close... then i kinda asked if you and her were sleeping together”

“You did what??!” i whisper yelled sitting up on the sofa to look at him “why would you do that??”

“I told her i thought you guys were good for each other and that it would be okay if something was going on....”

“Steve why would you do that?” I run my hands through my hair in frustration “now she feels weird around me!”

“Honestly i don’t think its you.... its me”

“What?”

“Well you said she was fine with you at the school right?”

“Yeah” i shrugged not following what he was getting at.

“She only shut down when you got home, when you got home and i was here. Maybe she felt awkward around you because of what i said”

“She probably thought you’d be judging every little thing she did” i closed my eyes and sighed shaking my head at Steve “i need to go talk to her.....i need you to stay here with the girls”

“Maybe i should go talk to her, I’m the one that made this mess...”

“I think you’ve done enough Steve” i rolled my eyes at my oldest friend as i grabbed my jacket and car keys and headed out to my car.

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[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

hello hi! if ur ever looking for ideas/prompts for spidey stuff i have an idea i've wanted to see but havent really yet: i have a sensory processing disorder so i personally always really connect w spidey when fics talk about him kind of having sensory issues, but they almost always only talk about getting too much sensory input. which is super valid! but a lot of people also have issues w not enough sensory input (i have issues w both! its gotta be a balance). (pt. 1 bc i talk to much)

(pt. 2 bc i talk too much) not having enough sensory input still needs grounding techniques and stuff! i know for me i'll start kind of pulling my hair, scratching too violently, etc. and then my service pup will lick my face to replace harmful sensory cravings with safe ones! i just feel like this might be interesting to see w peter and the avengers trying to give him safer/better sensory input bc it might be cute. totally no pressure though! just thought i'd yell this idea into the void

Oh god never apologize for talking too much! I love this idea, thanks so much for the request. Funny story, as I was reading I was just like...wait not everyone does this??? So...thanks for helping me realize things!

Just Right

Read it on Ao3

Warnings: descriptions of a meltdown, sensory deprivation (kinda), some self-injury

Pairings: none. found family is my shit

Word count: 2667

If you could see Peter’s lab in Stark Tower or the Avengers Compound, you’d wonder if it’s some mad-scientist abomination or a storage room gone crazy.

There are screens upon screens upon screens, little things scattered across almost every available surface, and even ones that aren’t technically available. There are haphazardly balanced books and sheets of metal and overflowing trash cans and more random trinkets scattered around than you can think of. And yet, Peter knows precisely where everything is.

Organized chaos. Entropy. There’s some scientific explanation for it.

Peter works in a state of 'a lot.' There's a reason for that, and a reason it's a bad idea for him to not have that.

If you could see Peter’s lab in Stark Tower or the Avengers Compound, you’d wonder if it’s some mad-scientist abomination or a storage room gone crazy.

There are screens upon screens upon screens, little things scattered across almost every available surface, and even ones that aren’t technically available. There are haphazardly balanced books and sheets of metal and overflowing trash cans and more random trinkets scattered around than you can think of. And yet, Peter knows precisely where everything is.

Organized chaos. Entropy. There’s some scientific explanation for it.

Even Tony, the resident doer-of-so-many-things, is baffled when he walks in to see Peter looking at three separate screens, two sets of earbuds—one in each ear—texting as he calls out things for FRIDAY or KAREN or EDITH to help him with. Sometimes he’s talking to all three at once and texting.

“Kid,” Tony says, coming up behind him and resting a hand on his shoulder, “you know you gotta pay attention to the stuff you’re doing, right?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m doing things!”

Cue an impressive rant that even Tony struggles to keep up with in places, all the while Peter’s fingers fly over his keyboard and beat out rhythms on his crossed legs. He looks up at Tony with a bright smile and sometimes, sometimes Tony wonders what goes on in that head of his.

Because if he’s only seeing the little bits that manage to make their way out of the kid’s mouth…god.

Can you blame him for giving Peter a technological playground? Kid lights up better than an arc reactor.

Tony just shakes his head and says: “Kids these days.”

It’s not an uncommon sight to see Peter doing his work with screens scrolling and music blasting over his earbuds. It drives Steve nuts, his mother-hen instincts trying to make sure Peter’s paying enough attention that he won’t hurt himself.

“I know, I know, Pete,” he laughs when Peter glares at him, “I know you can do it, and I trust you, I’m just…”

Peter softens the smallest bit, dropping his project to scurry over and hug Steve. “I know. You worry.”

Steve smirks, running his hand through Peter’s hair. “Gotta make sure you’re in good enough shape for our walk this weekend.”

“Are we gonna do just the anti-homeless benches or are we doing the ramp bars too?”

“We’ll see how fast we can run, hmm?”

“May wants pictures too.”

“Ah yes, for the Baby’s First Act of Civil Disobedience book.”

“Steve!”

“Nope, that’s what she called it. She sent me a photo.”

Peter’s fine. And Steve told the truth, he does trust Peter. They all do. Kind of a side effect of the whole superhero gig, you learn to trust your people.

Doesn’t necessarily mean you understand them.

It’s been a long day. They’ve had to do some interview with this-or-that news station about their stances on some issue that is ‘complicated on both sides.’ Long enough that even Steve’s—frankly impressive—public service mask is slipping. Natasha gave up trying to masquerade as someone who cared ages ago, glaring daggers at anyone who so much as suggested something unreasonable. Tony shoos the last of the day’s worries out the door as Clint flops down on the sofa.

“Why,” he groans, “did we have to do that?”

“We’re role models,” Steve recites, even as the slump of his shoulders says ‘no’ in every possible way, “it’s our duty.”

“Yeah well, I never signed up to be a fucking role model.”

“Clearly.”

“If you dare tell me off for cursing I swear—“

Bucky just smacks Steve upside the head before he can say anything.

“Ow!”

“Don’t, Stevie,” Bucky warns, “just don’t.”

“Peter?”

Everyone turns around to look at Sam, crouched in front of Peter. He’s hunched over, almost curled up completely in his chair. His curls bounce back and forth, small muttering sounds coming from under them.

“Peter,” Sam calls again, “Peter, can you look at me?”

Peter’s head raises slowly and Sam’s glad for the training he’s had that keeps him from reacting visually. Peter’s face is a mess, thin red lines, and tense muscles everywhere.

“Hey, Pete,” he says softly, “you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

Peter shuffles. “Need something.”

“Okay. You hungry?”

“No. Need something.” He starts beating out a frantic rhythm on his legs, hard enough to make Sam wince. “Something, I gotta—“

“Where are your earbuds, Peter?”

“Counter.”

Tony tosses them their way without even hesitating. Sam hands them to Peter and almost immediately his hands fly to plug them in, jam the buds into his ears. The room waits, no one willing to move until Peter takes a deep breath and his shoulders slump. After a few seconds, he starts tapping his fingers again, this time much less frenzied. Judging by the pattern, it’s probably to the beat of the song.

“…sorry,” he mutters after a few moments, “sorry ‘bout that.”

“Don’t apologize,” Sam says, “you didn’t do anything wrong. You wanna talk about it?”

“Uh…not really, not right now.”

“Okay. Is that a ‘you don’t wanna talk about it at all’ or a ‘you wanna talk about it later?’ Either is fine,” Sam says quickly when Peter shifts nervously, “I just wanna understand a little bit more so we can help.”

“M-maybe later.”

“Sounds good.” Sam stands up. “You want us to leave you alone or are you fine if we hang out?”

“Stay,” Peter says, “please.”

“Sure thing, kid.” Sam makes his way over to the others, shaking his head when a couple of them shoot him curious looks. He glances back over at Peter to see him doing some motion that involves all four of his limbs. It’s…oddly mesmerizing, actually.

“I think he’s doing a music exercise,” Natasha murmurs, “eighth-notes, quarter-notes, half-notes, whole notes.”

Bruce stares at her. “He’s doing what?”

Natasha eases her way onto a stool, her left hand tapping along with Peter’s left. “This hand,” she says, still staring, “taps out every quarter note. One, two, three, four.”

“The right hand,” she says, tapping twice as fast with her right, “does the eighth notes. One-and-two-and-three-and-four-and.”

“Then the feet do…one…three…one…three.” She starts gently tapping her feet in time with Peter’s. “And one…one…one…one…”

Steve just shakes his head slowly. “That’s…complicated.”

“It’s a good way to immerse yourself in music,” Natasha murmurs, smiling slightly, “helped me too.”

“What’s it for?”

“I think our Baby Spider is trying to ground himself.” Natasha gives Peter a smile when he catches her doing the same motions. “And it’s fun.”

His other hand never missing a beat, Peter plucks out one of his earbuds and holds it out to Natasha. She smiles and joins him, sitting by his side and carefully inserting the bud.

“Ooh,” she says softly when she figures out what song it is, “nice choice.”

“Thanks.”

They sit like that as the others bustle around quietly, getting all the interview stuff tucked away and Steve starts the cooking for tonight. He shoos Tony out with a spatula as the genius pouts, quickly picking some innocuous bickering fight that makes Bruce roll his eyes and take the book Thor offers him. Bucky and Sam crash onto a nearby couch, Bucky half-heartedly trying to copy Peter and Natasha for a few moments before laughing and giving up. The dinner passes in relative quiet until Peter sighs and plucks out his earbuds, collapsing onto Natasha’s shoulder.

Natasha barely flinches, reaching up to ruffle Peter’s hair. “Hey there, Baby Spider. You okay?”

“Yeah,” Peter sighs, “sorry.”

“Told you,” Sam says easily, “you got nothing to apologize for.”

“No, I…I should’ve told you.”

“Peter,” Steve chides gently, “you’re allowed to not tell us things if you don’t want to.”

“But it’s also important that I tell you things,” Peter says stubbornly. “It’s not fair to you guys if I don’t tell you what bothers me and then you can’t do anything about it or it takes you by surprise.”

“That’s fair, Peter.” Natasha leans her head onto his. “Do you have something you want to tell us, then?”

“Yeah, I, uh…” Peter twists his fingers together, his teeth worrying his bottom lip. “Actually, uh, do you mind if I…have my earbuds in while I tell you? I’ll—I’ll play it on low volume, I’ll still be able to hear you, I just—“

“Shh,” Natasha hushes, “you don’t need to justify your needs. Go ahead.”

“…thanks.” A few seconds later and Peter visibly relaxes, running his hands through his hair as he sits up. “So, I, uh, I have a sensory processing disorder.”

Most of them nod. He’s not the only one. Bucky and Bruce in particular make some gesture of solidarity.

“But I, um…mine’s weird.”

“Weird how,” Sam asks.

“Uh, you know how most people get overwhelmed from too much sensory input?” When he gets an answering nod, Peter takes a deep breath. “I have, uh, I have the opposite.”

“…yours is triggered by having too little sensory input?”

“Yeah. That’s why I have…all the screens going all the time.”

Tony huffs. “Little bit of an understatement.”

“I-it’s easier for me to think!”

“It’s okay, Pete, I don’t mean anything by it,” Tony says instantly, raising his hands in surrender, “just wanna make sure this old man can still keep up with you, that’s all.”

“He admitted he’s old!” Clint throws his hands up in triumph. “All hail Peter Parker, the One Who Got Tony Stark To Admit He’s Old.”

“Alright, alright,” Thor says when it looks like Tony’s going to throw Steve’s salad across the table at Clint, “that’s enough. Peter,” he says, turning back, “how do we help?”

“H-help?”

“Surely it can’t come as a surprise that we wish to help you,” Thor chuckles, “now come on, out with it.”

“Uh…you did good today,” Peter mumbles, “getting me my earbuds and stuff.”

“Is that what we should do, then?”

“Yeah. Just, um, get me stuff that’ll occupy my sense. Optimal levels of arousal and all that.”

“Does that include physical contact,” Steve asks, “or no?”

“…sometimes? I gotta ask for that though.”

“Thank you for telling me.” Steve smiles and reaches out to squeeze Peter’s hand. “Thank you for telling us. I’m proud of you.”

“Ah, jeez,” Peter mumbles, his cheeks flushing, “do you have to say it like that?”

“Like what,” Steve asks like he obviously doesn’t know.

“Like—like that.”

“Steve, you’re such an asshole.”

“I agree with Bucky.”

“Both of you hush or there’ll be no dessert.”

The cry of protest that goes up around the table is enough to make Steve almost fall out of his chair from laughing too hard.

It’s pretty easy after that. They all keep an eye on Peter during functions where they’ve gotta sit still for long periods of time. Often they’ll hide Peter in the back and one of them will reach down, let Peter play with their hands, or sneak some new piece of tech in for him to tinker with. They always keep his earbuds close by and there’s never a problem if Peter needs his earbuds in while he’s at dinner with them or watching a movie.

Then May texts Tony one day when Peter’s scheduled to come over.

May: Peter’s earbuds broke.

Immediately, Tony sends it out to the others. They’re all on high alert, scouring the floors for where they may have been left, if they’ve got extras Peter can borrow, just for a little, come on Tony, you run a tech empire, what do you mean you don’t have headphones?

They’re all so busy looking that they completely miss Peter’s arrival.

Peter’s been floating ever since he got on the bus. Everything feels like it’s happening behind a whine of static. He’s floating in this weird bubble of a fish tank and he can tell there are things beating on the glass outside but he can’t do anything about them. He’s floating and he hates floating. He can’t feel anything. Can’t feel anything.

Something, something, he needs something.

Does he still have a body? Does it still feel? He doesn’t know as he stumbles down hallways and through doors. The walls don’t feel like anything. His hair catches on a catch and it feels. It sends a zing down his spine and he can feel. So he does it again. Feel. Feel. Feel. Feel.

His nail catches on his cheek as he raises his other hand to his hair and there’s a bright flash that shudders his body. It’s warm. He likes warm. He likes to feel. Feel. Feel. Feel. Feel.

He can’t feel his arms. So he moves to his arms. The flare spreads. Feel. Feel. Feel. Feel.

Where else can he feel?

He should be able to feel everywhere, shouldn’t he?

Feel.

Feel.

Feel.

Feel.

He can’t feel his hands but he can tell his hands are making him feel.

It’s stopped being a word now.

Something tangles in his hand, at least he thinks it does. Something tangles in his other hand. They squeeze. Oh. Oh, he can feel that. He can feel his hands. He can feel…he can feel a lot.

He hears the gentle whine of metal against metal, feels the hardness of a claw in each of his hands. He blinks and looks up.

DUM-E and U are holding his hands, squeezing them gently the way he does to them. When he murmurs their names, DUM-E lets his hand go, leaning down to start stroking his forehead with his claw. Peter watches, trace the parts of DUM-E’s machinery, mapping it out in his head, grounding himself in the expansions of wires.

It’s better now, it is. U still sits there, patiently squeezing his hand, even as DUM-E whistles and chirps. Peter starts mumbling back that he’s fine, thank you, he’s okay now, can DUM-E move a little to the left, please?

“Peter?”

“Uh, h-hi, Fri,” Peter mumbles, “I, uh, guess you should tell them I’m here.”

“They’re on their way, Peter.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

Steve will stumble in first, Natasha hot on his heels. Steve won’t be able to hide his shock at seeing the red lines drawn harshly on Peter’s skin, even as he tries to smile and call out for him. Natasha will look him over and softly ask permission to patch him up a little.

Tony will praise the bots as Sam and Bucky rope Peter into some inane fight that pulls him out of his head. Bruce and Clint will offer him their earbuds as they’re the only two who’ve managed to find some. Thor will offer to carry Peter for a little while.

But for now, Peter will sit here, on the floor of the lab, while the bots kiss his face, and feel.

It’s just right.

[sweetiejunie]

This city

Summary: a late night drive with beomgyu

Genre: fluff, slight angst

Beomgyu x reader

Requested💕

=====================================

“Hello?” You spoke in a groggy voice, picking up the buzzing phone next to you.

“Hi babe! Were you sleeping again?”

“.... no....” you answered, hearing beomgyu chuckled on the other end.

“Okay then, since you’re awake, get ready, I’m picking you up in 15.”

“Wait, wha-”

“Love you, bye.”

With that, he hung up. Leaving you in a state of confusion. Checking your phone, the clock showed 11.23 pm. What could he possibly want at this hour?

You laid in your bed, contemplating your options. For one, you could get changed and get ready to meet beomgyu. On the other hand, you could just stay in bed and wait for him to let himself in. As tempting as the latter was, curiosity got the better of you and dragged you out of bed.

Not knowing any details, it was hard to choose an outift. Did you have to dress up? You had no idea where he was bringing you. After a few minutes of consideration, you decided on a simple oversized shirt and jeans, you sat on the couch waiting for a knock to come from the door.

As expected, no more than 5 minutes later, you heard your passcode being keyed and the door being pushed opened with beomgyu’s head poking through.

“Babe!” he called out, only to be cut off when he turned to see you already waiting for him, “oh, hey babe, i expected you to still be in bed. Come on let’s go.”

From his dressing, you figured he definitely wasn’t bringing you anywhere fancy, a plain shirt, layered with a bomber jacket and jeans.

Walking over to where you were seated, beomgyu leaned down and gave you a kiss. But there was an eerie feeling, something about it felt... off. Grabbing your hand, he dragged you out of your house and to his car.

His car wasn’t anything luxurious, but you didn’t mind. Through the years you had been together, this car contained countless memories. There was the time you two had accidentally spent the night in his car because neither of you wanted to drive. And also the time you somehow got locked in his car.

Beomgyu, being the gentleman he was, stopped at the passenger side and opened the car door for you. But before stepping in you had to know, “gyu, you still havent told me, so where we’re going?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’ll love it. And i just really needed to see you right now.”

‘Needed’ A wave of worry crashed over you as that word echoed through your head. Beomgyu never used that word often. Usually, he would use want. Very semdom need. That’s when it hit you, something was wrong.

Stepping into his car, you wondered if your intuition was right. This time, you really hoped it wasn’t, it pained you seeing your, usually carefree and smiley, boy sad or hurt. Your mood reflected his own and if he was upset you wouldn’t hesitate to fight whoever or whatever caused it. You analysed his every move as he closed your door and went around to the driver’s side. Even if it was the smallest hint to what was wrong, you didnt want to miss it.

He got in the car, closed the door and fastened his safety belt. Looking at you through the corner of his eye, he chuckled before saying, “what is it? You’ve been watching me.”

“Are you alright?”

Hearing the concern in your voice he turned to face you, placing a hand on your cheek, “of course, why would i be?”

You studied his face. His words said one thing but his expression said another. There was a sadness in his eyes, but you didn’t want to pry. When he was ready he would tell you. And even if he didn’t, you would still be by him no matter what. You hummed a response. And with that, beomgyu grabbed the steering wheel and step on the gas, driving off.

The drive was quiet, beomgyu kept his eyes on the road while you looked out the window, only peeking at him every so often. He looked ethereal, driving with one hand as his other laid on the arm rest. The streets lights illuminating his features as he drove past each one. Sensing your stare, he glanced over to you, only causing you to get flustered and look away. He let out a small laugh and grabbed your hand with his free one, holding it for the rest of the ride.

You watched the number of street lights decrease as beomgyu approached an upward hill.

“Where are we?” You questioned.

“We’re almost there,” he replied, holding your hand tighter for reassurance.

After another 5 minutes, beomgyu stopped the car and stepped out. Once again going over to your side, opening the door and offered you a hand which you gladly accepted. A chivalrous move, one of the many reasons you loved him.

You hopped out of the car and realised he had brought you to a cliff that overlooked the city. The majestic view of the skyline appeared with startling beauty. There wasn’t a cloud in the star-speckled sky. A half-moon hovered at the fringes of the luminous cityscape, where the red blinking lights of distance radio towers twinkling in the night. There were no trees or city planted blooms, just monoliths of concrete soaring out of the sidewalk in an exact grid pattern. At night it was beautiful in it's own way, so many lights.

You couldn’t help but stare, mouth left slightly agape as you took in the breathtaking view infront of you. Meanwhile, beomgyu was busy taking in a different view, to him, just as beautiful and amazing, you. He loved how the area around you lit up when you were happy or excited. Your mere presence alone enough to light up an entire room.

Flashing him a smile and a light giggle, you wrapped your arms around his neck and held him close. “How did you find this place?”

“Hmm, i just suddenly remembered how much i loved this place when i was younger and figured ill bring you here too,” he replied, trying to return the smile. But you knew him better than that, you knew that behind the smile there was still something on his mind.

“Come on.”

With that, he snaked an arm around your waist, leading you to a bench that sat underneath a tree, a single street light used to light up the entire place. The entire scene seemed to come straight out of your favourite romance movie. To be completely honest, you would be surprised if out of the blue, beomgyu broke into song.

There was absolutely no one else there. To think such a beautiful site would be filled with people, but i guess not. It was a secluded place and you were pretty glad that you and beomgyu could enjoy this alone. Just you, him, the night sky and the city lights. How could it get any better?

You both sat in silence for a little while. Beomgyu had his arm around you as you laid on his shoulder. He even wrapped you up in his jacket, knowing you forgot to bring your own. It wasn’t a particularly chilly night, but he still didn’t want to risk the possibility of you catching a cold. In that moment, everything felt perfect. But there was still a nagging feeling at the back of your head.

You sat up to look beomgyu in the eyes and asked, “gyu, are you really alright? Something’s been feeling off the entire night. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but im just worried. And you know you can tell me anything right?”

He sighed, a small smile tugged at his lips. “I really can’t hide anything from you, can i?” He stated, holding you tighter, resting his head on yours.

“Well,” he started, “i guess these few months of living in this city, away from my family, is just starting to get a bit lonely and overwhelming. I’m here chasing my dreams. But i just feel like the more i give my heart to this city, one day, she’s just going to break it.”

You listened as beomgyu poured his heart out to you. You had no idea he left like this and it hurt you to the core. You felt horrible for not noticing sooner.

“Right now, this city’s got me chasing stars. She loves me now. But what if one day she decides to leave? It terrifies me to think i dont belong here anymore.”

You felt tears well up in your eyes as he spoke. It broke your heart to hear him say that.

“Gyu,” you spoke, lightly tapping his head so he would sit up.

You looked him in the eyes, “dont say that. You do belong here. And if you ever feel alone, dont. You have the boys and me. Ill never leave you. I love more than anything, you know that right?”

He nodded slightly, eye studying yours as you continued, “behind the dazzle of the city’s façade there existed this outpost of hell but Ill be right by your side. And if the city ever breaks your heart, ill be right here to pick it up.”

By this point a tear had rolled down your cheek, only to be swipped away by beomgyu’s thumb as he gently carassed your face. You pulled beomgyu into a hug while you snuggled into his chest. You stayed like this. Hearing the calm beating of his heart that matched your own. Your arms around him and his around you. Even though there was negatives about living in the busy city, you still loved it. Solely for the reason that this city brought him to you, the love of your life.

.

.

.

=====================================

Took me a while to write this cause i have like 5 other ideas drafted out :’) hope you like this!!

[yggdrasil-mith0s]

Another reason people probably didnt like Symphonia their first time but later loved it is because of the themes and undertones. Here is another essay that's going to be a very quick Symphonia walkthrough as a young child playing.

Here's a warning: I mention some stuff that happens in Symphonia. It will be mostly vague but there will be mention of death. There also might be some spoilers in here but nothing too serious, just some of the beginning story more than likely.

Let me begin by saying the box art looks pretty cool for the Gamecube but the front and back does look like a very, very young child's RPG. It seems like an RPG that was creates for super young children that havent hit there teens or are in the very first years of being a teen.

I'm about to give a quick walkthrough as if I am a very young kid playing Symphonia for the first time. This is to show why a lot of people had this as their first game in the series but didnt like it. Why a lot of people weren't the biggest fans until their second playthrough or when they gave it another chance and realized it is absolutely stunning. A top 10 game of all time across every platform created.

First off, there was a lot of adult themes and tones in Symphonia. Obviously, I dont mean nudity or sexually explicit material. I'm talking about the Desian Camps. The idea that millions of people are being captured, put to work, then put to death or letting them die. These type of adult themes.

The first time we played, we were young. We didnt get choked up or super sentimental about what was going on in video games. We didn't care so much about the parallels between real life and our video games. Usually, we just wanted something fun to play. I mentioned it earlier but the start of Symphonia looks super childish and like it's going to be a lighthearted adventure. You have a cast of kids (2 very young adults that added comedy and badassness). A majority of the beginning fights are snakes, birds, bunnies, and bears. The battle system is fun but also easy enough to get the hang of. You can honestly button mash with the occasional arte and not worry about combos . You didnt have to worry about combos at all, really, and just use artes when you wanted. Some of the artes were pretty cool looking and strong too which added more of a "wow, the combat system is cool. There's attacks and a bunch of power attacks you can use. You can also move around and dont have to wait like a turn base game." It's also possible to just button mash or use all your MP on Artes and really kick their ass.

Combining all of those elements together makes it seem more kid friendly than it really is. Playing through the start makes you feel like a 10 year old playing his first RPG with an age appropriate game since you control a bunch of kids. The fights are easy and usually bees or some weak animal. Nothing serious, really. The artes are cool and the more artes you learn, the cooler and more fun Lloyd gets. It's cool to play as Lloyd when you learn a new arte or two.

So far everything has been pretty lighthearted. This RPG is fun, the characters are pretty cool and can be funny. The dungeons aren't super confusing. It's just a fun game overall but nothing spectacular or crazy. Really the worst thing that has happened is "Desians bad. They destroy hometown over something stupid."

Marble's scene is the only real adult sad part in the game so far. They kill Marble in a way that you kind of don't get crushed by emotions. They let you down pretty easy and you get Marble's ring for Genis so now she is always with you. Her death isn't too bad because she was old and it was just one old woman in the game. It's sad but not devastating. Also the Ranch. They use them as slaves. But tbh it doesn't really hit you that they resemble real world stuff and you dont see the parallels like you should. You just kind of write it off as shitty and Desians are evil and the bad guys. Surely you save everyone from the ranches and that's the point of the game. Kill Desians and save everyone.

You get to the dessert oasis where Colette crashed through the wall. Cute and funny. Oh, Lloyd and Genis get captured by bad Desians but the wanted posters were bad so it made it funny. Eventually, You escaped the bad, bad Desians and are back with your friends, yay!!! You go to the fire shrine, finally see more menacing enemies but they still arent that bad, and start your first puzzle dungeon! It's short but a lot of fun with a boss fight. It was a little tough but fun!! You beat the shrine, yay!!!

The serious Angel (Remiel) comes down again and talks to Colette and the gang. He gives her wings! She is becoming an angel. At this point you are thinking, "How cool. Colette is becoming an angel!!! She has wings now and can probably fly wherever she wanted to go! This game is really fun. It's not bad at all. The weapons and equipment aren't difficult and it's fun buying or finding stuff better than what you have and equipping the new stuff. The skits can be funny too and I get to know the characters better with the skits. This game is really cool, actually." It's time to speed this post up, though. I'll be going faster and doing more short versions/storytelling.

We sail across seas and bow we are at Palmacosta!!! Here's where things get a little weird and stuff too. So Palmacosta is cool. We look through town, only to find imposters. That's right. These fools are pretending to be me and my gang. Im the one with a cool group and shit. People wanna be me so bad!!! Lol.

By the way. General Dorr is also the Mayor of Palmacosta.

Imposters are rude and we meet mayor who seems cool till he tells us he thought the imposters were us and gave them a book we need. So....little me is like

"YOU DID WHAT!?" .... so we leave. Lol

We go to mountain gate, cant pass yet, learn Palmacosta is under attack by ... you guessed it... Desians. ,

*little me has eyes stretch wide open* But I was just there!!!! Sucks, I know.

So we head back and make it to Palmacosta. Remember the girl we saved from extreme questioning and customers that were badgering the girl since she was the store clerk/owner. Of course not. I never mentioned it. I saved her back then at the start of Palmacosta. Naturally they chose Chocolate, in some weird, sick revenge way for me making them look weak when they verbally attacked her. So Chocolate is about to hang and be killed. Some stuff happens and Lloyd ends up using his sword to save Chocolate. Boom. He is a hero. He saved someone from hanging....

Wait.... hanging? In kids game? Damn that's a little intense for a kids game but I guess you do save her. Carry on.....

So let's speak to the Mayor. He was conveniently gone while that was happening but meh. Coincidence right? Yeah. Yeah.

Talking to the General/Mayor we decide to go rescue everyone who has been kidnapped from Palmacosta. By the way there's a ranch for most cities that Desian's manage. So there is a Palmacosta Ranch and a bunch of people from Palmacosta are now held prisoners in the Ranch. Boo! But I digress.

Off to Palmacosta ranch!!! We finally reach it and... oh look... General Dorr"s personal Aide/Assistant. What's this? He is a traitor!? You've got to be kidding me! I trusted that dude!!! Maybe that will teach little me to be careful about who I hang out with. A pretty good life lesson for little me and nothing too serious. I'll handle that later though, and rescue the prisoners in the Palmacosta Ranch.

We save Chocolate but she would almost rather die than be saved by you. So you save her but not without a fight and learning some shocking stuff that little me is like "WHAAAA!!!???!??? NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY!!!!!!!! she still lives cause of you and you fight the leader of the Ranch and win that battle!!!

So yay!!! You won the battle and beat Palmacosta Ranch! Good job little you! You did awesome!!! The game has been really great, with a pretty light tone for the most part. Everything is bright, the enemies arent that bad at all, nothing truly fucked up has ha---"we're going to blow up the Ranch with people still in it" -Raine.

That's right.... "YOU'RE GONNA WHAT!?!?"

So yeah, we blow up Palmacosta Ranch. Desians were probably still inside along with a janitor named Chet that everyone forgot about lol. So bye bye Ranch!!!

"That got dark really fast and Raine is pretty ruthless but most people escaped. I guess I can kind of forgive that. This game is definitely darker than I thought but it could be worse. Most people escaped anyways I am sure. So it's not that bad." -me.

Back to Palmacosta to confront the traitor General Dorr!! Here we are! General Dorr and his daughter are standing suspiciously in the basement of the government building in Palmacosta. I'm sure he knows that he has been found out. I know he tried to sabotage the Chosen's journey. He has no exc--- OH NO! They got his wife with the Demon Seed, too!! Now she is a monster! No wonder he is a traitor. He is trying to get a potion which is the cure to save his wife. I kind of get it but that's pretty messed up. He is basically being held hostage. This game just got a little darker.... but it could be worse, I suppo----WHAT!? HIS DAUGHTER IS A DEMON! DID SHE JUST SAY SHE KILLED HIS DAUGHTER A LONG TIM AGO AND HE WAS TOO STUPID TO NOTICE!?"

She really just called him stupid and is acting like he is the biggest idiot for not knowing she killed his daughter!!! This whole time she has pretended to be his daughter. That means she probably went to her school, played with her friends, talked to her dad and played with him. She probably told him she loved him which is so messed up. She also knew there was no potion but continued to watch him and be ready to kill him if he tried to snitch about his wife. This got dark really fucking fast wtf!!! She is a complete demon stranger in a girls body pretending she loves her daddy, plays with friends, and does child things but is a demon the whole time. "I love you daddy says the demon pretending to be your daughter. That's really sick and twisted. Sad thing is little me is like "well that's weird. How did no one notice at all she was acting odd?

Maybe she didn't have any friends and her dad is to distracted about the medicine for his wife, he doesn't notice.

That's absolutely crazy and completely dark. Woah. This game is way way darker than it lead me to believe when I was young. That was pretty much my first reaction/playthrough when I was little. Symphonia is dark as fuck.

I played a little bit further to the next ranch my first playthrough but quit when I found out they were killing people like it was nothing. I was really little then, too, btw. I quit because it got really dark and kind of weird and complicated to fully grasp everything going on and the parallels to the real world. I always played RPGs relating it to real life and such. I have done that since my first RPG so with Symphonia I had to quit. It was too dark and weird when I first played it.

Once I came back and beat Symphonia I thought it was Brilliant. It was absolutely amazing and worth so much more praise. I loved it and still do. Even the dark side of things.

Turns out I am not the only one who did this. Play through, reach a dark part or part where you realize how dark it is, and then quit. I'm glad I picked it back up, though. It's almost a perfect game!!!

So yeah... here's a playthrough of little me and Symphonia. I was too little to be playing games with dark themes even if they were short or small. I say this because I was stupid small and really let my imagination run wild when I played games and read. I often make things 20 times worse so I really shouldn't have played Symphonia till later.

Anyways it's amazing. Nearly perfect.

Enjoy your games, everyone. If you arent currently doing so, find a Tales game to pick up and start playing!!! Tales of Arise or some other Tales game will be here before you know it so practice up!!! Play a Tales game!!!

[ultraklll]

Tony Miller as a Gun For Hire! Tagged by the lovely @envyfelled ! Ty! This was super fun! Also, I'm on mobile, so sorry for the garbo formatting! (Fun fact, tonys voice claim is laura bailey as fiona/fem!boss)

Paired With Fangs For Hire:

Boomer - "Heya buddy!" followed by excessive scratching behind the ears | "Fuckin' love this dog, can sniff out a peggie like shark sniffing out blood. Good trait to have! Awfully convenient too…" | [patpatapatptpataptap] | "Atta fuckin' boy Boomer!" When she sees him get a kill | "Who's a good boy! Who wants to kill some cultists!" | "Wanna play fetch? Rip out their necks?"

Peaches - "Good girl…" | stealth gang stealth gang | peaches: mows down peggies/tony: a baby!" | "I jus' think it's funny that when we went to the Henbane, we picked up a cougar, Addie, an actual cougar, Peaches, and joined a crew called the Cougars… Just'a thought," 

Cheeseburger - "This reminds me'a Vegas pride, saw plenty'a bears there too" | "Kinda ironic to find you in Jacob's region, all things considered," [snickers to herself] | [PATPATPATPATPATPAT] | "Get outta my pockets! These snacks are mine, not yours!" | "You remind me of those like, beware of dog signs, but the dog is always a sweetheart who'd rather play with a home invader rather than attack them," 

Paired With Other Guns For Hire:

Jess - stealth gang stealth gang stealth gang | Jess has a MASSIVE crush on Tony. Everyone can tell. Tony knows | jess: guns are fucking lame and the sniper rifle is the cowards weapon/ tony: uses a sniper rifle/ jess: actually sniper rifles are cool as fuck | "Good shot Jess!" "S-shit, um, thanks, Tony," 

Grace - sniper gang sniper gang!! | [steals a headshot Grace was lining up] "Cmon Gracie, thought you were meant to be Olympic level!" | highly competitive, do a shot whenever they get a perfect headshot to die instantly | smug top solidarity | also heavily depressed solidarity 

Adelaide - [acts like she's not sleeping with her nephew even tho Addie knows she definitely knows] | Tony is either constantly laughing or constantly face palming over the shit addie says | have gotten into an argument once bc addie said john was a top 

Nick - "What's up eye in the sky?" | [flirts over radio] [flirts over radio] [flirts over radio] [fli | Nick: speaks/Tony: god I just love the way you fucking talk | often talk about kim together | "Can we have a barbecue at your place once these fuckers are dealt with?" | [pretends not to be bitter the Deputy got to help deliver Carmina and not her]

Sharky - "Heya baby!" | [constant back and forth flirting. It's embarrassing] | any second they're both not talking is a second they're making out | Can and Will go john wick on some peggy ass if he gets hurt badly | "Do you wanna have a sleepover?" "Lemme ask my momma," | she calls him Charlie :> | loves him so so much they're just constantly talking about anything and everything | literally like A Comedic Duo. Have together for certified funnies

Hurk jr. - "Junior! This'll be just like Kyrat!" | competitions about who can shotgun a beer faster every 4 seconds | WILL tell you stories about their time in Kyrat together | Tony has punched Drubman sr in the nose before and she'll do it again | "Hey Tony? You still in contact with Ajay?" "He sends me a royal postcard every now n' then. Apparently it's boring being king, and his only solace is that his new bodyguard is cute," 

In Combat: 

Seeing an enemy - "Fucker in my sights," | "I got a bullet with your name on it… actually I don't, who the fuck has time to carve names in bullets, but you get the idea- im just gonna shoot you now" | "You're dead on arrival, shithead," 

Sneaking - "You'd think me sneaking is counter productive because I'm 6'4 and have a very loud gun, but you're the boss Dep," | "Shhhh… we're huntin' shitheads… Heard it in a game," | [shoots alarm boxes] "You ain't allowed to call your friends, you're all grounded," | *peggy triggers alarm* "Fuckin snitch!" 

Killing an enemy - "SKULLCRACKER!" | "I just don't miss!" | just fucking headshot after headshot after headshot | [sucks in breath through teeth] "God damn I'm good," | when shes not using her Wifle (wife rifle, a 45/70) she's being FUCKING EFFICIENT with her ak-ms or just blasting ribcages open with her shotgun

Reviving - "Up you get, baby," | "You ain't dying on me that easy, Dep" | "Not today Satan!" | "You gonna let some unwashed asshole kill you?" 

Hurt - "Motherfucker!" | "That's another scar I'll tattoo over," | "Thank god people find scars sexy," | "God fuck that's smarts!" 

Downed - "Dep! Give me a hand?" | "Clean up on Aisle 4 needed!" | "Don't worry about me, just bleeding out over here, no rush," 

Revived - "Drinks on me when this is over Dep," | "Thanks babe!" | "I'll kiss you when we get outta this mess," | "I owe ya!"

Driving: 

Entering a vehicle - "Lemme take over I'm a way better driver than you," | "Floor it!" | "Hang on I've got a mixtape, just hope I havent fuckin' crushed it," | [takes the opportunity to roll cigs] | *peggies roll up* "Keep her steady!" [leans out the window and headshots the peggie on their ass, causing them to crash the car, like that isnt the coolest shit you've ever seen] "Aight cool,"

Reckless Driving - "Watch the fuckin' road asshole!" | [desperately tryna grip the wheel so she can take over driving] | "STOP THE CAR! I'LL JUST FUCKING WALK!" | "Are you tryna kill us?! Fuckin' swap seats now!" | tony is the designated driver bc one she's fucking good at it and two shes also a really bad backseat driver. Just let her drive 

Changing Radio Stations - "Now don't tell Charlie I said this but some of the peggies music is actually good,"| "John's a prick but his music taste is fuckin' good," | [punches radio in when Only You comes on] "...Sorry… Force'a habit…" | "Bold and brave my ass, John looks like he needs help getting spiders out of rooms and wears fuzzy pink bathrobes," 

Idle: 

"Man, John's a freak, and yeah I mean that in the sexy way. Someone who demands so much outward control whilst being a shithead little brat likes to get trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey and stuffed like one too. Don't give me that look Dep, I'm right and we both know it," 

"That dude Jacob ate was called Miller?? God, that could've been me if I was much older and way uglier!" 

"Faith just makes me fuckin sad man. She's been manipulated and groomed into this life by fuckin Joseph- she's so goddamn young too. I'm not gonna tell you what to do Dep, but that's just my two cents,"

"Joseph's the worst kind of man- a manipulator. He tells you what you wanna hear, targets the misfortunate who have nothing left to lose, builds a fucking army out of em. The other heralds I'm ok with arresting, but Joseph's got to go,"

[Lights cig with either her fancy lighter or by striking a match on the bottom of her shoe] "Don't start smoking, Dep,  bad for your health," 

Location Specific: 

Testy Festy Aftermath - [pinches bridge of nose] "Not again…" | "Anyone got a water and like, 3 aspirin?" | "Ain't the first time I've woke up passed out in a field, won't be the last," | "Did we at least get a photo from the night? I've won the competitions here for the last 3 years in a row now, I'm not fuckin missing one cuz of these peggies," 

Falls End - "Fuckin shame to see Falls End like this, but Mary May and Jerome will take good care of her now weve got it back, they always do," | "Think we'll get free drinks for life at the Spread Eagle when this is all over? Actually, we probably won't even get free drinks for week, so for life is wishful thinking," | she enjoys playing with the singing fish on the front of the speed eagle and keeps tryna convince Mary May to let her take it for herself bc tony goddamn miller has the biggest singing fish collection in the entire county 

Seed Ranch - *loud whistle* "this place is swanky as fuuuuck… Not that big a fan of all the dead animals though…" | "IS THAT WEED ON THE TABLE? Johnny boy you fuckin' hypocrite!" | "Oh he's definitely got a secret room behind one of these bookshelves, like a home torture room? Oh my God, what if he has more than one...?" [starts frantically pulling books off shelves] | regarding his shelves with peggie memorabilia [takes baseball bat to it] | [pretends she's never been here as she frantically stuffs any of her own belongings she might've forgotten here into her bag]

Entering the Henbane - "Don't trust a goddamn thing you see here. You think you see something you're not supposed to, hit it," | [swinging at bliss induced angel/animal/faith visions] | "Can we try savin' Faith? Don't feel right killin' her, she's so young…" | "Can we go to Sharky's place? I left some stuff there that could be worth picking up,"

Hope County Jail - "Sheriff Whitehorse has always been a good man to me, Dep. Would appreciate it if he lived through this," | "I always feel like a giant whenever I come here, everyones like 5'3. Virgil, Tracey, Charles, all shortasses," | "I think it's cute they gave you a little pin! You're part of their Pride now! Or whatever the cougar equivalent is to a lions pride… do Cougars even travel in packs? Aside from when Addie used take the girls out for drinks,"

Entering the Whitetails - "Always feels like something's watchin' you in these woods. Keep your eyes peeled," | "Always felt like there's something in these woods that there ain't supposed to be…" | [Shifting from foot to foot] "Can we get a move on? Aint'a big fan of standing around waitin' to get shot by some fuckin' sniper with a bow," | [watching Jacob's video punishing Pratt] "I'll fuckin' get you outta here, Stace… you just gotta hold out a second longer," | [about all the dead bodies and 'you are meat' graffiti] "Love what Jacob's done with the place," 

The Wolfs Den - "Eli Palmer is a good fuckin man. Kind, smart, careful and ruthless against peggies. We've made a good friend here, Dep," | "Heya Wheaty! Got a few more vinyls for your collection! They're all my own though, so be careful with em," | "I don't think Tammy likes you that much Dep. I don't think she likes much of anything anymore, other than attaching jumper cables to Peggy's nipples… Oh god, my piercings hurt thinking about it," 

Joseph's Island - [hand firmly on rifle grip] | "Creepy, evil motherfucker, had him pegged right from the start. Well, not pegged. I'm not pegging Joseph. I'd rather stick my dick in a ceiling fan then go anywhere near him- I'm just gonna stop talking," | "You know what? No one else has asked it so I'm gonna- where the fuck does Joseph sleep.  In the church? In one of these houses? In the dirt somewhere? What if he hangs upside down from trees like a bat?" 

[mythiica]

Could i please get some kiro x reader where she eventually brakes up with him because of his constant question of her feelings, ie "is this real or just my evol working on you?" Bonus points if a later he sees her with Gavin or Victor looking much happier.

Title: You Promised

Fandom: Mr. Love Queen’s Choice

Character: Kiro

Genre: Angst

Warnings: minor spoilers for his powers!! I will reference them subtly, but i will not explain them - It’s nothing terribly huge, but you have been warned!!

Intended Gender Audience: Female Audience

Word Count: 1298 words

POV: second person

Other comments: *cracks knuckle* i havent angst’ed in a while, so here we go

Kiro runs to greet, ignoring his agent’s shouts. He clasps his hands on your waist, picking you up and spinning you around before setting you back down on the ground. “Miss Chips! I didn’t think you’d make it to the shoot today.” A smile stretches across his face before he presses a quick kiss to your cheek. “How did you get here?”

          “Gavin had some business in the area so he was kind enough to give me a ride.” Kiro can’t help but notice how your face lights up when you say his name. Something pulls at his heart, but he swallows his thoughts and slings his arm over you.

         “What do you think about sneaking away and going to get something to eat?” he suggests, herding you back towards the set.

         You tap your lip and think. “Are you sure it will be alright? I can’t help but worry about your agent–”

         He flashes you a bright smile, making your heart melt. “I’ll take care of him!”

         The two of you make a run for it, and once you turn the corner, Kiro takes your hand. After lacing his fingers with yours, you walk down the street casually. “Wait here,” he whispers, letting go to get some sorbet from a nearby stand.

         Taking a seat on a bench, you pull out your phone and find a few messages from Gavin.

         When Kiro returns, two ice creams in hand, he offers you one. “I got your favourite!”

         You send the message you had been typing and look up. “Thank you. I don’t know how you manage to remember my favourite.. well.. everything. Sometimes I forget the things I like!”

         Kiro sits down next to you. “Who are you texting?”

         “Oh,” you giggle, opening your phone. “Gavin sent me some funny pictures of him making an arrest.” You show Kiro the images – Gavin handcuffing someone and then putting him in the back of a police cruiser. Kiro did not really understand what was particularly funny about them until he noticed the ginkgo leaf  charm hanging from the review mirror of the car. It was the same charm as the one hanging off of your bracelet.

         When Kiro doesn’t say anything, you put your phone away and stand up. “Let’s go to the park and eat while we walk, no?”

         But he remains seated, and a dark cloud seems to hang over his head. Kiro catches your hand and pulls you back. “Would you rather be out with him?”

         “What?”

         “You’ve just… been talking a lot lately. And I can’t be around all that much because… of my work.”

         You set the cup of sorbet down and cup Kiro’s face. “Not at all! I promise, baby, I’m 110% all for this relationship. Gavin is just a friend!”

         But Kiro pushes the topic. “Are you sure it isn’t my,” he lowers his voice, “evol?”

         “Your evol?”

         “Do you think my Charm is affecting you?”

         You laugh. “No! Kiro, I promise that it isn’t that. C’mon now, get your head out of the gutter, and let’s go before the ice cream melts and before your agent finds us.”

         When you take his hand, Kiro inhales deeply and relaxes.

         You promised.

         Nothing could dispute that.

         Right?

Kiro clicks the television off and stands up. He lingers in the spot for a moment, forgetting what he wanted to do. But then, he picks up one foot after the other and pads over to the large window of his hotel room. The sun is setting against the skyline, reflecting a palette of warm golds, pinks, purples, and oranges.

         The only thing that was missing from the scene was… you.

         According to your text message, you should have been here by now. And still, an hour has passed since then. Kiro deflates slightly, and turns around to pick his jacket up. His hand lands on the door knob, and when he opens it, you nearly crash into him.

         “Kiro!” You smile, but all Kiro can notice is the way your hair is whipped in every direction – as if you had been flying. “I’m so sorry I’m late. I lost track of time, and–”

         But he raises a hand. “It’s alright. Let’s go.”

         Kiro can tell that his voice is colder than usual, but it hurts him that you shrug it off and bounce alongside him. When you reach for his hand, his muscles go limp, allowing you to cling to him. He leads you to the elevator, and then the two of you go up to the top floor restaurant.

         Once inside, you take your seat and immediately begin to bubble about the latest episode you released with Gavin as your guest.

         He looks up at you, and you stop talking. “Is something wrong?”

         Kiro sighs and taps his foot nervously on the ground. “My evol.”

         “Your evol?” Worry flashes in your eyes. “What’s with your evol?”

         “It’s my evol. None of this is real,” he replies with a broken voice. His bottom lip is trembling, but he tries to contain himself. “My charm makes you act like this, but really, you’d rather be with,” Kiro swallows, “someone else.”

         You reel back in anger. “How could you say that?! Kiro, I lov-”

         “Don’t.”

         “Kiro.”

         He turns his head down to hide his expression.

         You keep pushing the topic, even reaching for his hand to comfort him.

         However, Kiro stands up abruptly, and his fingers clasp under your jaw. His eyes narrow in such a way that you’ve never seen before, and his voice is deep and sharp. “I command you to leave.”

         Once he releases your jaw, you shoot up as well, causing the table to clatter and utensils to fall to the red carpet ground. People at the tables surrounding you look up, wondering what the commotion is. “If you are so certain that it’s your charm working on me, then I don’t want to be part of this relationship anymore.”

         Kiro falters for a moment, finally hearing those words. “Fine.”

         With that, you leave.

         He does not watch you go.

A month later, Kiro is shooting a scene from an up and coming action film. His manager requested that some streets be closed off as to make sure no one interrupts the filming. Kiro takes a seat on a bench and drinks some water to cool off.

         Despite being in an alley, the shade provided little coverage from the summer heat.

         “Kiro, take fifteen, and then we’re going to move on to the next scene,” his agent calls.

         After setting the bottle down on the ground, Kiro gets up to pace around the set a bit. A breeze flutters through the alley, sending scripts dancing in the wind as assistants run after them. Kiro lifts his head and looks at the park in the distance.

         He thought he heard something.

         So Kiro starts walking towards the police barrier. It is pretty far from where he is filming just in case fangirls swarm the area. Someone must have tipped the social media platforms off, because there is a growing crowd at the barrier, and when they see Kiro approaching them, they all start to scream.

         Kiro smiles and waves at them, but he stops when he sees you walking behind the crowd.

         “Miss Ch-”

         But he stops himself.

         Your head is resting on Gavin’s shoulder as the two of you stroll by, not a care in the world to know why there are so many people gathered at the mouth of the alley. Kiro notices the smile you wear – somehow, it is brighter than any one you had ever given him.

         Kiro scoffs and turns away.

         Of course it was his charm.

         Even if you had promised, nothing could rival his charm.

[angrylizardjacket]

and then there was light [3] {Roger Taylor}

Anon asked: Prompt: angst Roger and y/n because he’s jealous after a party

A/N: 5981 words!! What?! Like, it’s not explicit, but I might have given the reader a slight praise kink. Some sexual content. There is mentions of cheating, just to let you know if that makes you uncomfortable. There might be a problem with pacing but like... suspend your disbelief. Also.... you’ve got a big storm coming.

[part 1] [part 2]

Your grip is white-knuckled on the armrest as you felt the plane rumble beneath you; anxiety is clutching at your chest as the world falls away beneath the wings of the machine and you’re rising into the sky. Roger isn’t outright laughing from where he’s sitting next to you, but it looks like he wants to. Thankfully, for his sake, he contains himself, resting a hand on your thigh, rubbing it in a gentle, comforting rhythm.

“You’ll be fine, love, these things hardly ever crash, and if this one does, it’ll make the news, probably.” He shrugged, and you glared at him, trying to push down the anxiety curling in your stomach.

“You’re the single least reassuring person I’ve ever met.” You snapped, but he just grinned wider, his hand moving higher on your thigh, your legs part just a little, out of instinct, and you’re too anxious about the flight to even blush at it.

“I could distract you instead.” He offers, giving your thigh a gentle squeeze. Something eases in your chest and you relax your grip on the armrest to put your hand on his. “Love?” He asks, watching how you’re leaning your head back against the headrest, eyes closed, like you were trying to go to your happy place, wishing you weren’t trapped inside this plane. His hand twitches to move away when he doesn’t get a response, but then your own hand is guiding his a little further up, and you’re wearing a little, playful smile, though it’s strained. Roger has to bite back a laugh.

“Could you please wait until the seat belt sign is off?” John’s voice interrupts both of you, pressing his face into the space between your headrests where he’s sitting behind you, sounding characteristically exasperated.

“Or wait until we land, like any decent human being.” You can hear Brian’s sigh from where he’s sitting beside John, his words followed by a world-weary sigh.

“You were both cuter when you thought we didn’t know.” Freddie says, matter-of-factly, and Paul hums in agreement, the two of them sitting in the two seats in front of you.

“So were you.” Roger snaps back, leaning back into his chair, sullen at the sudden onslaught of bullying from his band-mates. “And get your bloody face away from mine.” He smacks John’s forehead with his free hand, which has the man retreating, but you’re silently thankful. Despite this, you’re also flushing with embarrassment, which is only quelled when Roger flips his hand over on your thigh to lace his fingers with yours, giving your hand a comforting squeeze.

It’s weird, to be in public, well, sort of public, and to be allowed to actually be with Roger. You’ve always been so hyper aware of his image, careful to keep your distance where prying eyes might be lurking, the last-performance kiss notwithstanding, but here, in the relative safety of first class - and god, that was a mind-boggling realisation - he’d wrapped his arm around you. Once the seat-belt sign has been turned off and the in-flight movie has started, he pulls you into his lap on the luxuriously spacious seat. Everyone on the flight has headphones to listen along to the movie, and the plane is almost silent as everyone looks to the overhead screens. It starts innocently enough, except sitting on Roger isn’t exactly comfortable; he’s got one hand resting on your thigh, innocent enough, and the other on the armrest, but you find yourself shifting every few minutes trying to get comfortable, but it isn’t really working.

“Are you right there?” Roger moves your headphones off of one of your ears, speaking low and quiet, only to you. When you look at him, he’s not even looking you in the eyes, he’s looking at your lips, and you feel your chest tighten, though in a very different way to the plane taking off earlier.

“What?” And you shift again, trying in vain to get more comfortable before you feel him hard and pressing against your ass through his pants, and it dawns on you. After a moment, you lock eyes with him, finally, and wiggle again, deliberate, suppressing a smile. He leans in to kiss you, rough, insistent, his hand on your thigh moving dangerously higher.

“Let’s not ruin everyone’s movie,” he breathes as he pulls back, his hand moving to give your ass a light tap, and you take the hint, taking off your headphones and making a beeline for the bathroom. You find yourself waiting for almost five minutes in the stall before there’s a knock at the door and Roger’s whispering your name. You haven’t even fully locked the door before he’s pulling off your shirt, murmuring about how you both had to be quiet, though he was grinning in that way that made you melt, and made you want to be anything but quiet.

When you head back to your seats none of the others comment on it, though they do seem pretty enraptured with the movie. Your anxiety at flying had dissolved; you’re feeling all warm and syrupy in the afterglow, and Roger clicks down the armrest that separates your two seats, and shifts so that you he can still wrap his arm around you, but you’re sitting next to him, your legs stretched out and arching over his. He puts his own headphones back on, smile supremely satisfied, and you give yourself a little, mental pat on the back, but don’t bother with your own headphones, resting your head on his shoulder and falling asleep, feeling secure and safe with his arm around you.

When you land, you find yourself whisked almost directly to the new tour bus, and you suddenly find yourself filled with a new uncertainty. The space, at least compared to what you were used to, was lavish, not a single road case in sight.

“You guys live like this?” You crowed, eyes wide as you raced through the spacious vehicle, plopping yourself down on the cushioned bench beneath the back window while the rest of the band, and the crew travelling in this bus started getting settled in.

“Well yeah, was the other bus really that different?” Roger asks, joining you, sprawling himself out across the seat. The sheer absurdity of his question takes a moment to sink in, but after that you’re laughing, loud and a little bit uncontrollable, mind alight with memories of hot, bump afternoons riding along at the back of the equipment bus, sat atop a road case, holding a light and gels and trying not to touch the drum kit where it was stacked up beside you.

“God, I would have killed for a cushion.” You breathe, wistful, relaxing further, if it were possible, into the seats. After a beat, you look around at where everyone’s gone quiet; Freddie and John were setting up a board game and Brian was lounging on one of the sofas running along the inside of the bus; you’re pretty sure Roger’s the only one who hears you anyways. “I much prefer it to flying though,” you admit, shifting until you can rest your head on Roger’s shoulder.

“Really?” He asked, voice quiet enough that only you could hear it. “I thought it was a pretty decent flight.” And he reaches up to pinch at your side playfully when the bus starts up. The two of you dissolve into play-fighting, which the others don’t pay much attention to, entertaining themselves as the trip to the first destination began.

“You’re- you- they call you Spotlight, don’t they?” The voice that greets you before for the first crew meeting is bright, eager, faintly accented, and when you turn, you see it belongs to a sweet looking boy with big, brown eyes, clutching at a clipboard. Laughing a little awkwardly, you nod, and his whole face brightens at the confirmation. “I’m Robbie; I’m stage managing, and they’ve got me operating the lights.” He sounds so damn excited, it’s a little endearing, and after a beat, he’s peppering you with questions about the American leg of the tour, which you answer with ease.

You’d been worried, not that you’d ever admit it, integrating into a whole new crew; the American tour was staffed with people you’d been working with for years, and here, everything and everyone was new to you. Seeing Robbie smile, so kind and welcoming, it felt like you could breathe.

“How the crew?” Roger asks, and he’s stuck with fond deja vu, sitting behind his drums, watching you cut a whole new set of gels. You’re humming something he can’t quite pick, but you seem happy enough.

“Yeah good,” you concede, only half paying attention as you work, “they’re nice, very welcoming.” You tell him, and he makes his way to you, sitting beside you on the drum risers, picking up some scraps of the gel. After a moment, your hands still, and you watch his, smiling with confusion, before looking at him. “What-” but he’s looking back at you, and he leans in to kiss you once you look up. Putting the gel and the scissors down, you take his face in his hands, giving him an endearing smile.

“I’m working.” You said softly, but he just grinned, leaning in to kiss you again. It’s fun and easy to be with Roger at times like this, times when neither of you had to worry about what other people thought, or who saw you together; you were happy and so was he, and that’s what mattered.

It gets a bit harder, you realise, when in Glasgow you’re leaving the hotel with the band and a few paparazzi come after you; at first they’re shouting at the band but then they spot you where you’re by Roger’s side, trying to keep your face hidden. You see your picture in some gossip rag the next day when Robbie gives it to you with a long suffering and apologetic look. 

“The boss wants you to be more careful about being seen.” He’s rolling his eyes at the boss’s words, however, when you ask him what he means, you learn that you’d been photographed with them in America, and people were starting to speculate that you might be part of the tour group. The Boss thinks it reflects poorly. The rest of the band is in the photo, but you’re the one being accused of being a world-travelling gold digger in the article.

When you tell Roger, or more specifically show him the article and make an offhand comment about not really being seen with the band in public anymore, he throws the magazine across the hotel room, scowling.

“They’re printing lies, Spotlight, what do you care?” He asks. You’re gentle when you step towards him, resting your hands on his shoulders.

“I care about my career and my reputation, Roger, you understand, right?” Voice soft, you don’t move until he looks at you, expression a little hurt. “I know I’m not a gold digger, but if I want to get anywhere in life, I need other people to believe that too.” You explained, and he didn’t exactly seem happy about it.

“You’re fantastic at your job, babe, isn’t that enough?” He asked, and you felt yourself flush, suppressing a grin at the praise.

“I wish it was.” You told him, voice a little forlorn, and he leaned in to kiss you, a silent agreement to your request. After a moment you pulled back, actually letting yourself grin. “You think I’m good at my job?” You asked, giggling, and Roger’s expression brightened as he huffed out a laugh.

“You know I do.” And it’s the most gentle you think you’ve ever heard him, the sweet sincerity shifts as his hands come up to rest on your hips. He knows all too well the effect he has on you when he compliments your work. “How many times do I have to tell you?” He asks, a single eyebrow raised, teasing edge to his tone.

“I mean, if you told me too much I think we both know I’d never get anything done.” And your fingers are nimbly undoing his fly. With a cheeky grin, he kisses you again, rougher, biting at your bottom lip before you pull away.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” He muses, watching the way you wet your lips, smiling at him. “You’re very good at other things too, love.” 

“I know.” You watch him through your lashes, biting your lip to keep from laughing as his whole face lights up and he’s snorting out a laugh at your response, and you fall to your knees, already pulling down the waistband of his jeans.

He doesn’t like that you insist on leaving the hotel at different times, becomes a little clingy in the mornings when you go to get up, but he always manages to tug you back down to him, and you get lost in the way he smiles in the early morning sunlight, the feel of his lips on yours, the way he laughs softly against your skin. 

Despite this, he keeps his distance around other people. The band he doesn’t worry about, but he stays up by his drums during lunch, and sometimes during the after parties you attend, he’ll disappear for a few hours at a time, and you find him at the bar, reasonably hammered, surrounded by fans fawning over him. He always goes home with you though, so you try not to feel too jealous.

“Hey, Light? I’m getting lunch, do you want anything?” Things start going downhill the day Robbie pops his head in during your lunch break; you’re at the top of a ladder, fiddling with the angle of a parcan, and Roger’s at his drums.

“No thanks.” You call back, chipper, shooting the ASM a smile, and when he leaves, Roger frowns at you.

“Did he give your nickname a nickname?” He punctuates it with a laugh, but it sounds more angry than anything else.

“That’s Robbie,” your explanation does not seem to placate him. You’d been spending a lot of time with Robbie, the two of you bonding over both having worked on Bowie’s last tour. “He’s German.” You add, as if the fun fact might warm Roger to him.

“I know how to pick accents.” He snapped back at you, and you actually stopped your work to look at him, a little shocked and defensive at his tone. He’s not looking at you, he’s gone back to watching the door.

“He’s the ASM, Rog, chill out, we work together.” You tell him. He doesn’t respond, and all you can do is go back to your work, a squirming discomfort making itself known in your chest.

He disappears after the show that night, not coming to find you after bump out like he usually would, and you try to assume the best; that he’s too high from adrenaline and the endorphins of such a good show that he’d wanted to ride the hype the rest of the band. It wasn’t deliberate, you told yourself.

“You going to the after party?” Robbie asks carefully, hands in his pockets, still wearing his own theatre blacks. You realise you must look a little lost, and when you decide that you are, you tell him, and he offers to walk with him. He’s sweet, excitedly gushing about how he can’t wait for the Munich show so he could see his girlfriend, and you find yourself enthusing about how exciting it is to be travelling around Europe. Once you step foot in the pub, the two of you part ways, Robbie heading for the bar, and you seeking your own boyfriend.

His whole face lights up when he sees you, and the anxiety that had been building in your chest dissipates when he wraps his arms around you, spinning you around.

“I’m sorry, I got caught up.” He told you, but he doesn’t kiss you, just pulls you down to the sofa with him where Freddie’s in the middle of an animated discussion with Brian.

It happens again at the next stop, he leaves you behind and you make your way to the after party talking with Robbie. He’s kind, sweet, looking forward to marrying his high school sweetheart. If you’re being honest, it’s nice to have someone to talk to who understands your side of touring, being another interchangeable face to the talent you’re helping, someone down to earth and . He gushes about how jealous he is of your friendship with the band, starry eyed in the cool night air.

Again, when you arrive at the venue, Roger’s already there, and he doesn’t get up this time, just beckons you to him with a bright smile. It doesn’t ease your discomfort like you hoped his smile would.

“Are you mad at me?” You ask gently one night; the two of you were walking in relative silence, side by side, not touching for fear of paparazzi, you try to justify.

“No, why?” He asked, and you look at him, eyes narrowed as you examine him, and his smile is a little far away when he looks back at you. After a long moment of silence, he takes your hand, pulling you both to a stop, facing each other. He wraps his arms around you, still giving you that far away smile, and he kisses you. “I’m sorry I keep leaving you behind, love.” 

“So you’re not mad at me?” You confirm, stepping back and taking his hand, continuing to walk.

“Of course not; should I be?” And the way he says it, so perfectly fucking harmless, has the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.

“No!” You defend, and he’s laughing easily in the moonlight. 

It keeps happening, sporadically, and it always seems to coincide with whenever he sees you and Robbie together, or Robbie comes in to offer to get you lunch, and you know what’s happening before you dare to admit it.

On some of the nights where you opt to go straight back to the hotel, you’re woken by him flopping into bed beside you, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you to him, warm and protective, at odds with the discomfort in your chest.

“Missed you.” He yawns, smelling of alcohol and cigarettes, and one time, of faint, fruity perfume that you don’t recognise. When you ask him, he says that someone spilled a cocktail on him, and you realise you can’t even tell if he’s lying or not. 

“You jealous?” And you can hear the sleepy smirk in his words, and your own tired mind is unguarded, unfiltered.

“A little.” You whisper into the silence of the hotel room. He doesn’t answer you, but his grip on you tightens, and he hums, the meaning of which you can’t decipher. It takes you a long while to get to sleep after that.

It comes to a head a few weeks later, however, the night they perform in Paris.

“I miss her so much.” Robbie bemoaned you as the two of you walked together, his arm tucked into yours as he waxed poetic about his now-fiance. “She sent me a care package and I swear I almost cried in front of the sound operator.” 

“Why?” You laughed, and Robbie groaned.

“I opened it in the bio box because I picked it up from the front desk on my way here, like right after checking in.” By the time you get to the after party, the music is already blaring, and like always, you split up to go your respective ways. Roger greets you warmly, making room for you on the sofa he was sprawled on, wrapping an arm around you as he continued his conversation with a starry-eyed groupie, who didn’t even acknowledge your presence. You make conversation with John, who’s hovering near the arm of the sofa, bopping along to the music, looking a little bit longingly at the dance floor.

Roger goes to get a drink a little while later, smiling and asking if you’d like anything, and as soon as he’s gone, Robbie, now quite plastered, pours himself into the empty seat.

“I called her- Spotlight, I miss her so much - and she told me she loves me and she can’t wait until I get home; should I walk back to Germany? I wanna see her.” He asked, words blurring together a little from his accent and his inebriated state, and he rests his head on your shoulder.

“This is Robbie; he misses his fiance.” You explain to a confused looking Freddie, who’s expression melts into one of adoration, and he ‘aww’s at that. Robbie is starry-eyed for a long moment, before he turns to you.

“Should I walk to Munich? I miss her.” He reiterates, and you burst out laughing, petting his head fondly.

“No, don’t walk to Munich, you should go home, we’ve got a big day tomorrow.” You tell him, and he groans, clearly not having received the answer he wanted. Instead, you get to your feet and offer him your hand. “I’ll walk you back, we’re staying at the same hotel.”

You find Roger at the bar with one of your arms around Robbie’s shoulders where he’s pretty much legless, the lightweight. There’s a muscle jumping in Roger’s jaw when he sees you, and you hesitate, giving him a confused look.

“Hey, I’m just going to take Robbie back to his room, okay? I’m probably going to bed after.” You tell him. He doesn’t smile, just offers you the drink he got you and blinks slowly when you wave it away. “I’ll see you later, okay?” You ask gently, hoping to get a response from him, but he’s just giving Robbie a sour, calculating look. Robbie is transfixed by the lights behind the bar and does not notice.

When you finally get Robbie into bed, much later than you would have thought since he insisted on stopping at everything that caught his interest, and taking five minutes of standing still and explaining how beautiful his fiance’s eyes were, he’s still wearing his shoes. Once under the covers, he grabs your hands and looks you in the eyes, suddenly serious.

“You’re good. You’re a good sort, Spotlight.” He tells you, his accent coming in just a little thicker with his sincerity, and he pets your hands, before abruptly turning away from you and pulling the blankets up to his nose, clearly tapping out for the night.

The room you shared with Roger was just a few floors up, and you’re in the elevator when you realise you’d left your keys in your room. You usually did, you always went back with Roger, so you usually didn’t need them. When you approach the door, you think you hear murmuring from the other side, but it could have been from across the hall, you don’t think about it too much as you knock. There’s a giggled ���shhh’ from the other side of the door that’s less easy to play off, but you’re tired enough to think it’s just mostly-asleep Roger. You knock again, but no-one replies. It’s too late to knock too much, and you know he’s a deep sleeper, so with a heavy, tired heart, you make your way down the hall.

“What do you want?” Paul’s frowning at you when he opens the door, wearing his blue pyjamas, squinting at you.

“Keys to the bus please, I need somewhere to sleep, Roger’s not answering.” You tell him, and punctuate it with a yawn. After a beat more of watching you, as if assessing your motives, he disappears back into his room and reappears with the keys.

“Don’t lose them.” He warned, before closing the door on you.

The sofa in the bus is long enough that you can spread out, and you find someone’s fur coat to use as a blanket. It’s comfortable enough, a little cold, and it’s only when you hear a banging on the door and feel the sunlight on your face the next morning that you get up.

Opening the door, you see Roger standing there, looking up at you, waiting for entrance. Moving back to your makeshift bed, you take a seat, giving him a confused smile.

“I... didn’t think you’d actually be here.” He already sounds like he’s in a mood, bitter, but a little bit hesitant.

“Of course I stayed here, I knocked but you didn’t answer- what was up with that?” You asked, punctuating it with a yawn, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. He watched for a moment before he slid his sunglasses down his nose to glare at you over them.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, voice a little hoarse and scratchy, moving from hesitant to just quietly angry, the venom in his words hurting like a physical slap, and you sat up straighter.

“I’m-” And you’re searching for the words, but none come to mind.

“Why are you still on this bus?” He explains in a hiss. After a beat, he slides his glasses back up his nose, and turns to look away from you, a clear dismissal.

You’re at a loss as to how to explain that you’re here because... well, you’re always here, it’s where you were now. He’s the one who’d brought you here. 

“What do you mean? You’re the one who wanted me here.” Standing your ground, you don’t dare let your voice betray how confused and hurt you were feeling. 

“Yeah, well now I don’t.” He snapped. His words hit you squarely in the chest, and he leaves you in your shocked, dazed silence, moving to the back of the bus. “Fuck off back to the equipment bus, since you prefer it so much better.” He snarled, and that’s what unfroze you. 

“Christ, I don’t get paid enough to deal with whatever this is and ride in that bus, so that’s a resounding ‘no thanks’. And more importantly; what the fuck has gotten into you?” Emotion comes crashing back into you, rage tearing through you like a tidal wave, and you turn on him, jaw clenched.

“’Whatever this is’” he snorted, low and bitter, “yeah, but you get paid enough to fuck that little, brown-haired cockhead?” He asked, and your eyes went wide.

“Who? Robbie?” You asked, voice dangerously calm. “You think I’m fucking Robbie? Our assistant stage manager? Who just proposed to his girlfriend at our stop in Munich? That brown-haired cockhead?” You snarled, advancing on Roger like a predator cornering her prey, bitter tension gathering across your skin.

“Was he the one crying on your shoulder last night at the after party?” Roger raised an eyebrow, but the sting had left his words. Narrowing your eyes, you confirm with a single, venomous ‘yes’. “Oh.”

“Is that why you locked me out last night? You thought I was-”

“I was angry, okay?” He cut you off, sitting down at the back of the bus, and though his tone is angry, his demeanour, the way he’s avoiding your gaze and fiddling, it’s... almost guilty. In that moment, it was as if you’d been splashed with cold water, an icy realisation slithering down your spine.

“What does that mean?” Voice level, you try not to jump to conclusions, but your heart is already sinking. He doesn’t answer. When he turns away, you see a hickey on his collar that wasn’t there yesterday. “Roger, what did you do?” You asked, and the hurt was already bleeding through into your words.

“I was... I was so fucking angry.” It’s not a real answer, it’s not even a real excuse. The way he says it, jaw clenched, heart in his throat, he’s all but bleeding guilt, too proud to ask for forgiveness.

“Bullshit.” Your can feel tears welling in your eyes and threatening to spill, but your hands are shaking with anger, hurt, betrayal, and you don’t even care. “You’ve been weird for weeks, you were just looking for the first out you could get.” 

“Y/N.” He stands, reaches out to grab your shoulder, but you step back, out of his reach.

“No.” Your voice is firm, but your lip is quivering. “I don’t want you to ever touch me again,” wrapping your arms across your chest, looking at his outstretched hand with disdain through your tears. “Being angry isn’t an excuse. Jumping to conclusions isn’t an excuse. I get that it must be fun fucking around with the girl who makes you work for it by your standards, but,” shaking your head, you sniffle, holding yourself a little tighter with one hand, you wipe away your tears with the other, “the moment you have to work, have to put in a little bit of fucking trust? You couldn’t even do that.”

“Spotlight, please-”

“I’m in fucking Europe for you, Roger! What in your fucking, dumbass mind thinks that I’m someone who travels halfway across the world with someone just to cheat on them?” You’re yelling now, grateful to be alone and worrying that others would join you at any minute. You didn’t want them seeing you like this.

“For me? You’re here for work! I’m opening doors for you in the industry that you’d never have opened yourself!” And he knows even as he’s saying it that it’s the wrong thing to say, but he’s too furious at himself, lashing out at the only person he could. He watches as your expression turns shocked, before shattering, and you start bawling your eyes out, holding your face in your hands. Regret floods through him, but as he steps forwards to comfort you, you yell for him to fuck off.

“I can’t- I can’t leave can I? If I leave the tour, they’ll think the tabloid are right, that I’m some dumb groupie.” And you turn, distraught, and curl up on the sofa along the inside of the bus, still bawling, loud and ugly, great heaving sobs wracking your body as you realise the full extent of what had happened, and what it would mean for you. “You’ve ruined my fucking career.”

“That’s a bit of an overstatement.” He can’t even bring himself to apologise, sitting back against the window of the bus, watching as you curl yourself into a ball, the only sound filling the silence being your sobbing. It hurts, his heart is fucking aching, but he couldn’t admit it. When you raised your head to look at him, your eyes red rimmed and lip trembling, he feels only a white hot guilt fill him from the inside out.

“You don’t get it, this industry is about who you know, and if all I am is some girl who Roger Taylor fucked, flew across the world, and got bored with, it doesn’t matter how good at my job I am, I’ll just be another groupie with aspirations.” And you bury your face in your hands again.

“We could... pretend like nothing happened, until the end of the tour.” He offers, quietly, the weakest hail mary pass you’d ever heard, and you roll your eyes at him.

“I’d rather have my dignity, thanks.” You spat, taking in a deep shaking breath as you finally sat up, wiping fruitlessly at your eyes as tears continued to flow, though you tried to pull yourself together.

“You’re not under contract, you can leave if you want.” And it might literally be last on the list of things you’d wanted to hear at that moment.

“I get it, Roger, you don’t want me around.” You snap, standing. “You are who you are; I was stupid to think you were better than that.” You sniffled. When you turn and leave, he’s silent, replaying your words over and over again in his head until he’s absolutely livid at what he’s done. 

When the rest of the band returns almost a full half an hour later, he’s trashed the entirety of the bus, even going to far as to rip up the cushioning on the bench beneath the back window. 

“So you’ve heard the news I take it.” Brian looks at the scene before them, voice and demeanour both surprisingly nonchalant, and Roger, breathing heavily amid the carnage, gives him a sharp look. “Spotlight’s heading home, something’s come up with her family.” He explains. Behind him, John’s already started picking up a fractured mug, and Freddie is just frowning at Roger.

“Yeah?” Is all Roger says, snatching up the cushions from where he’d thrown them, and flopping himself onto the back bench, facing away from them all. 

“She’s just talking to the production manager if you’d like to say goodbye.” Freddie offers, carefully neutral, and Roger suspects he knows something’s up with the story.

“She doesn’t want to see me.” He huffed sulkily, and the others lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. They can tell it’s a touchy subject but they don’t pry. They don’t hear from you, don’t even know how to contact you if they had been able to, instead they watch Roger pick up different girls night after night, trash hotel rooms, and grow shorter when interacting with the crew, especially the assistant stage manager.

“I am who I am.” Is all he says, lips around a cigarette where he’s chain smoking in the empty theatre at lunch when Freddie finds him and finally asks what’s wrong. Freddie wants to ask what happened, wants to ask why you really left, but he knows Roger well enough to figure most of it out. Roger’s a ticking time bomb nowadays, so he doesn’t pry. 

The band doesn’t talk about you, not when paparazzi and reports yell out asking where you are, not to the crew, they barely talk about you to each other, and they never talk about you around Roger. 

The bus is quieter now.

Roger’s louder now. 

There’s an ache in his chest that won’t go away, that he’s filling with meaningless sex and too much booze because he can’t stand waking up alone, and he still thinks about what you said, and the way you had smiled at him before it all went to shit. He remembers how you’d risked your life for a light beneath his drums, and sometimes at breakfast he finds himself thinking about how you’d thrown a plate of food in his face before you were even real friends, and he wants to yell, to scream, because how could he be so fucking stupid? You’d seen him for who he was, and chose to be with him despite it, you thought he could be better than his reputation, but he’d just managed to prove he wasn’t. 

It hits him when he’s got his hands on some girl whose name he doesn’t know that all he can think about is you, and he hates himself when he leans into the fantasy, not that the other girl notices. He’d rather fuck around than admit he’d developed feelings for you, and so he does, and pretends like he doesn’t miss your sleepy, morning grin, or the casual way the two of you would chat as you were rigging the spotlights for the band.

The day he finds out they’ve replaced you, the kid they’ve got is at the top of the ladder during lunch when he walks in, and he’s hit with such a sense of deja vu that he stops in his tracks.

“I was told this is the best time for me to get work done.” Her voice, thank god she sounds nothing like you, is hesitant, with none of the calm confidence you exuded at the top of the ladder.

“It’s none of my fucking business.” Roger snaps, and turns on his heel and leaves, pretending like it hadn’t felt like he’d just seen a ghost. He gets another drink.

[softforcal]

Can you do a Luke x opener continuation?? I loved it so much

Luke x Opener!Reader

Poly, Cal, Ash, Michael

-you’re an rising performer and they saw you live once while creating their new album and all fell in love with your voice on the spot

-they convince management that they want you as their opener because you’re amazing

-when your management approaches you about it, of course you say yes and soon after that you’re following all of 5sos on insta and they’re following you

-they want to get to know you pre tour to see if you’re chill, it will be easier to tour together if you’re all buds

-so you go meet up with them at Cal’s house and spend the whole day getting to know each other

-they’re all super cool and you find yourselves all laughing and chilling next to the pool having a great time

-they show you some of their new songs and you all end up having an impromptu singing and dancing party

-yeah, its going to be a great tour

-you have to leave and they all offer to drive you home but you have it covered

-as soon as you’re gone they’re all just like “wow.” “yeah, she’s an angel.”

-they make a group chat with you in it and you all talk a bunch before the tour starts

-meeting up with them whenever you can

-Ashton convinces you to go to yoga

-you go walk Cal’s dog with him

-Michael getting you to create fortnite so you can play with him and Luke

-the first day of tour arrives and you show up to the airport only to be sneak attacked by Ashton who was totally waiting for you, he’d really want you to feel included and welcome

-getting to the plane and you go to sit by yourself but then Michael just comes and sits next to you and smiley, and he’s like “are you ready for tour?!” and he’s just a ray of absolute sunshine

-they all kind of take turns sitting next to you because the flight is so long

-you end up falling asleep on Luke’s shoulder and they’re all just like “oh my god she’s so cute.”

-Luke doesn’t let anyone wake you

-usually the opener would travel in a different van and tour bus but they really want to ‘include’ you so you end up being in their van most of the time and you sleep on the other tour bus but you’re in their bus most of the time

-your first show you go out there and you have an amazing set, as you get off the stage the guys all pull you into a huge hug to tell you how amazing you were

-getting to watch them preform and they are brilliant

-hanging out after the concert in a back stage room laughing and talking about the tour

-singing with them

-going over their note changes with them

-can you imagine singing with Calum and Luke and they both just adore your voice

-Michael trying to teach you how to play guitar if you don’t know how to already

-Cal trying to teach you to play bass

-And Ashton letting you dick around with his drums

-going out after concerts to look at the city

-you always get cold and one of them always ends up giving you their jacket

-or one of them offers to hug you to keep you warm

-Michael gives the best fucking hugs but Cal is a close second

-its because Michael is a lil squish okay!?! don’t fight me on this

-all of you taking pictures of each other and being able to freely post them because you’re their opener and its the cutest thing ever

-everyone speculating that you might be dating one of them

-taking cheeky photos where you’re kissing one of their cheeks or their kissing yours and everyone flips out

-spending entire bus rides in their bus goofing off and laughing and having a great time

-when you leave to go to your own bus for the night they spend at least an hour usually talking about the cute things you did while with them

-one night you’re in the chill area with them watching a movie and you fall asleep cuddled against Calum

-none of them want to move to wake you up so they all sleep there

-waking up next to these four guys, you all having moved at some time during the night and you’re just a cuddle blob

-pre concert rituals together with huge group hugs

-helping Luke put glitter on before a show because “more glitter!”

-sometimes they bring you on stage to sing with them as an encore

-you and Luke just have such vocal chemistry

-”and can we give it up for our angel and opening act, Y/N!”

-so many hugs

-group dogpiles after the show

-you all write songs together and bounce ideas off of each other

-harmonizing together

-tapping out beats together

-running around cities and usually one of them grabs your hand and starts running and then you’re all running around looking at stuff

-Cal and Ashton are huge fans of carrying you when you get tired

-getting shipped with all of them

-the five of you looking at the ship names and laughing then picking favourites

-so every guys favourite ship name is their own name with yours? what a fucking coincidence eh?

-they all ask your favourite ship name and you’re just like…… “uhhhhhh….”

-refusing to choose

-it would honestly be such a mess because it’s not like you don’t know they’re into you but its hard to choose because they’re all hella

—————————————————————–Luke con’t here

-so on tour there are also a lot of interviews the guys have to do

-you usually don’t have to do any interviews which is great, you can just spend the day looking around

-one day you get a phone call from Luke, they’re all set to do this super low key interview that they doubt will get much coverage and he has no idea where the other three are and no one is answering their phones except you and the interviewer suggested if you were available you could go because you’re their opener and they could talk about tour life from an outside perspective

-your management sends you a message and they think its a good idea so before you know it, you’re going and meeting Luke for an interview

-the interview starts kinda funny because you’re all laughing about how three members of 5sos are just MIA but you must be the new 5th member

-the interviewer is actually super sweet about it and its obvious that she’s just coming up with questions because obviously she had made questions for the group of guys but can’t use them anymore cuz they aint there

-”so give us an inside look on what it’s like to be on tour with four giant Aussie men?”

-”oh my god it’s the worst.” you joke, Luke pushing you with a grin, “no it’s great, they’re all super great guys.”

-talking about what it’s like to practice vocals with Luke and if there’s a possibility of there ever being an actual duet that might be released

-”i’d be down to write one. Y/N’s a lyrical genius.” Luke grins

-talking about tour shenanigans

-the other three boys showing up ten minutes in, breathless and with dead phones

-they swap in for you and complete their interview

-but the interviewer asks if it’s okay if she posts both interview videos separately

-management agrees

-its a decent interview and you’re not worried because management assured you it’s a super low key interview company and because it’s the two of you it probably wont get as many views as a normal interview would

-so management is wrong

-the interview blows up online

-for very good reason

-every time you speak Luke just looks at you with the most complete adoration and you hadn’t even noticed

-watching a gif of it because holy fuck how could you have not noticed? well, you were looking at the interviewer so it makes sense

-but holy shit this boy has heart eyes

-you never really know how someone feels about you until you see how they look at you when you’re not looking i guess

-you’re at the hotel later that night, you havent seen Luke since the interview

-you have no idea if he’s seen the frenzy on twitter, your ship name is trending and its mayhem

-you’d always kinda guessed that the band all had sorta crushes on you but the way Luke had been looking at you wasnt a simple crush

-there’s a knock at your door and of course when you open it, its Luke

-”hey, uh, can i come in?” he seems kind of nervous, you’re nervous too, i mean how do you even deal with this situation?

-you’re his opener and you’re not even half way into tour, if this goes bad, it will be very bad

-”i wrote some stuff i wanted you to take a look at.” he says, pulling out his phone and opening the app he keeps all his new lyrics on

-the two of you get comfortable and you take his phone and begin to read

-they’re love songs. really good love songs about passion and the inability to make a move and you start to realize little details about the person the speaker is talking about are little things about you

-”what do you think?” he asks nervously

-”i think whoever these are about is a really lucky girl.” i mean, you’re not just going to assume they’re about you because if you’re wrong you’re fucked

-Luke sighs, “you’re going to make me say it arent you?” “what do you mean?” “they’re about you.”

-”oh thank god!” you laugh, closing the space between the two of you so your lips can meet his

-the two of you crash onto the bed with you on top and you both giggle, lips meeting again

-when you pull away and red your forehead against his, just taking in the happiness, his fingers rub small circles on the bit of exposed skin on your waist

-”you have no idea how long i’ve wanted to kiss you.” he breathes ”was it everything you dreamed of?” “better… i want to take you on a date. a proper date. just you and me. have you eaten yet?”

-the two of you decide to go out for dinner, a late dinner but still

-he holds your hand as the two of you walk

-”Luke should we worry about Paparazzi?” “the entire internet already thinks we’re dating… unless you don’t want to hold my hand?”

-gripping his hand tighter

-you’re already such great buds its like almost any other night, except its just you and him (usually at least one of the others tags along)

-and then his hand goes to cover yours on the table and you melt

-so much laughing

-”i’m so glad those dumb asses missed that interview.”

-he insists on paying

-as you’re leaving the restaurant you get papped a bunch but Luke tries to shield you to the best of his abilities

-ending with the two of you running down dark streets like mischievous children to escape the cameras

-him pulling you into a dark alleyway to kiss you as he presses you against the wall

-”wow Hemmings, you know how to sweep a girl off her feet.” “Princesses are meant to be swept off their feet so it’s only natural.” (ok he would not say this, like straight up he wouldnt, but let me live okay. fuck ya’ll i’m soft and a girl can dream of a guy being this squishy okay?)

-running your fingers through his curls

-the two of you getting back to the hotel and as you’re walking down your hallway to your separate rooms, Cal, Michael and Ashton’s doors all open to stare at you two

-”so how was the date?” “do you two need condoms?” “Luke you’re a walking meme again.”

-like yeah they were all into you, yeah you’re gorgeous, but Luke went for it and you’re obviously reciprocating and bros before hoes, man, they gon support their tall bean friend

-”could you guys give us a bit of space?” Luke laughs but he’s serious

-they all kinda begrudgingly close their eyes as Luke walks you to your door, “see you in the morning?” “yeah we’re bussing to the next city.” “just making sure you’re not getting on the next plane or something.”

-soft boy being worried because he can’t believe it’s real

-reaching up and kissing him again

-he goes from soft to hardcore in an instant, his body pinning you against the wall as his hand cups your face and his other goes to your waist

-whistles erupting through the hallways because of course those nosy fucks opened their doors again to see if Luke got a goodnight kiss

-blushing as you hide in your apartment, giving Luke a quick peck before closing the door

-tour continues sort of like normal

-going on stage is kinda weird now because the fans definitely know you and Luke are trying it out

-you and Luke try to find more time alone

-lots of cute short dates when you can find the time

-holding hands on the tour bus

-he invites you to chill in his bunk for a bit one night and you both just talk about lyrics and vocals until you fall asleep

-waking up the next morning to the rest of the boys teasing you and Luke

-you’ve been dating a while and you’re both anxiously awaiting the next time you get to stay at a hotel because like… there’s been some close calls in hallways and on his bunk but he wants your first time to be somewhere you won’t get interrupted

-and the sexual tension is as thick as smoke

-like the boys don’t even want to be around the two of you

-because you and Luke are just looking at each other with such hungry eyes

-Luke getting kinda weird when any of the other guys are doing cute things with you…. like, Ashton had his arm over your shoulders and Luke growled.

-everyone knows that your casual dating is reaching something more

-the day arrives and you have the longest concert of your life before you all pack into a van to go to the hotel

-the van is silent. you all know what’s about to happen let’s be serious

-”so…. my condom offer still stands.”

-”shut up Michael!”

-as soon as the van stops Luke grabs your hand and the two of you practically run into the hotel and up to your rooms, the door isnt even closed and his lips are on yours.

-first time with Luke when you’re his opener is pent up and needy because you’ve both been waiting for a while and patience is not this boys best feature

-hands are everywhere

-clashing teeth

-laughter

-tearing clothes

-not wanting to have your lips away from each other for that long

-lots of whining and moaning

-grinding

-the two of you finally get on the bed and he pulls away, “Luke-” you try to protest but he just brushes his fingers softly against your face, “give me a moment to just look at you. you’re so beautiful.”

-his fingers gently roaming your body

-its like the eye of the storm. a few moments of him just cherishing you and being so soft

-”Luke i need you.”

-and then he’s back at making you moan so loudly you’re sure the others arent going to get any sleep

-i feel like he’d spend a lot of time worshipping your body with his fingers and mouth

-yeah, at least one orgasm before he’s even actually inside of you

-he works you up until you’re begging him for it before he actually goes inside of you

-staying still for a moment, his fingers brushing over your face again

-then he just goes ham fam,

-i feel like he’d really be down for first time missionary with someone he actually loves

-having access to his beautiful, broad back and shoulders

-scratching him up

-”fuck you’re so pretty!”

-a super intense orgasm lets be serious

-both of you just lying next to each other after, his arm around you as you both stare at the ceiling.

-”i love you.”

-”i love you too Hemmings.”

-okay i just killed myself. sorry fam. i’m dead. i like need a second.

-waking up next to each other

-going for breakfast with Ashton and Calum the next morning and they’re both just grinning hard core. “where’s Michael?” “still sleeping, he’s the one who had a room next to yours last night.”

-so much hand holding

-long sweet kisses before you go on stage

-singing your love songs and having to fight the urge to look at Luke who’s watching you from side stage

-kissing him before it’s his turn to go on

-the band all making grossed out noises whenever you two kiss but you know they’re all soft for you and Luke

-Ashton sending you a bunch of pictures of you and Luke for “when you wanna make it official on the Gram.”

-you and Luke agreeing to each choose your favourite picture and post it at the same time without showing each other so it’s a surprise

-you both choose the same picture because you’re #that couple

-fans go wild. i mean, they knew, but its like official now

-interviewers everywhere want you to start doing interviews with the band because you’re their opener and you’re dating Luke?

-so many cute pictures of the two of you

-i love this concept. i mean. i love 5sos opener concepts but like, Luke is bae.

-Luke singing Valentine to you all the time

-he sings it while grabbing your face and kissing you

-lots of quickies wherever you can but it’s always amazing because you’re like so in love

-Michael refusing to sleep in the room next to yours when ya’ll get a hotel

-the boys switch each time

-you and Luke buying them ear plugs and then laughing your ass off about it

-Luke’s arm over your shoulders

-he’s very protective of you, especially in cities you’re visiting

-he buys you little presents from most of the cities you’re in

-chasing each other through arenas and venues

-yeah, if people hear giggles or screams they know it’s you and Luke messing around

-”have you seen Y/N?” “are the two of you playing sexy hide and seek again?” “no….”

-”how do you even play sexy hide and seek?” “trust me Cal, you don’t wanna know.”

-you and Luke getting so distracted before he goes on stage that sometimes Ashton has to like tear Luke away from you

-getting to help him take off those gorgeous on stage #looks

-just so soft fam. i am so soft.

[fiftyshadesgrl]

He saved me/ part 4

Summary: reader is in a abusive relationship. When things take a turn for the worst she finds help in the winchesters.

Warning: there will be ssmut, violence, torture, abuse and language. If you triggered by any of this i suggest you not read.

Feed back is always appreciated.

A few hours later it was completely dark. Sam laid in the back seat as best he could with his headphones in sound asleep. Dean had ac/dc playing on the radio and i started singing along to my favorite song. 'You shook me all night long.' Dean looked over at me and smiled at my off key singing. Instead of poking fun at me he joined in.

After the song ended he spoke, "i didnt think you were a classic rock kind of girl."

"What kind of music did you think i liked?"

He shrugged, "that rap crap. Ya know bass blaring kinda stuff."

I laughed, "i like all kinds of music but you cant beat the classics."

"Hell yeah!" He fist bumped into the air. I couldnt hellp but smile. His carefree side was something for sure. My heart raced just by looking at him. His lips looked so soft and i wanted to kiss them. My eyes traveled down his body, i remembered his abs and chest so toned. My eyes rested on his crotch, from the outline i saw earlier he had to be huge.

"Darlin' if you dont stop looking at me that way..." he said in a raspy voice.

I whipped my head around so fast it made me dizzy. I shrank as close to the door as i could, keeping my eyes fixed on my hands. "Im so sorry. Please....i didnt..."

His hand grabbed mine and he intertwined our fingers. "Dont be sorry. I love the way you look at me, but right now youre in no condition to do what im wanting to do."

I blushed at his words, but felt a tinge of horror in my heart. "Why would you want me? Im a nobody, im worthless." I whispered.

"(Y/N) look at me." I kept my eyes on our hands. "Look. At. Me" he said more forcefully this time. I slowly turned my head and lifted my eyes to meet his. "Do not ever, and i mean ever let me hear those words come out of your mouth again. You are not worthless. You are somebody to me. Dont you ever second guess it again. Do you understand me?"

His eyes shown truth in his words. I have never had someone say that to me. I nodded in agreement but yet parkers words still sounded in my head.

'No man will ever want you after what ive done to you. You will disgust them. Just look at you, if i was any less of a man i would be disgusted. Youre fat and ugly. Your pussy isnt going to look or feel the same after this. No man will ever want to touch you again.'

"(Y/N)." Deans voice pulled me out of my thoughts. Our hands still twined together, i pulled away thinking parker was right. Dean was just being nice after what i went through. After i healed hed throw me to the curb just like everyone else did.

"You hungry? Im gonna fill up, theres a deli inside that makes subs. Want one?" Dean asked. I shook my head and turned towards the window before he could see the tears that slipped out from beneath my lashes.

He slowly got out of the car and finally i was in silence, except for sams light snoring. Dean is an amazing man, he could have any girl he wanted. He wont want a broken shell of a woman like me. I shouldve just let parker kill me. The world would be better off, dean and sam would be better off too. They wouldnt have to worry about taking care of me and have me be a burden to them.

Dean got back in the car a few minutes later holding three bags. "I figured since you liked pizza youd like this. They had pizza subs in there, i got you a drink too. I expect you to eat every bite. No arguments." He handed me the bag and i had to admit it smelled amazing. My stomach growled at the smell and he smiled and pointed to the bag.

I gave in and unwrapped it and took a bite. I havent had food this good since before i got with parker. I was lucky to have a can of cat food to eat even then i had to make it last a week, while parker on the other hand would fix himself whatever he wanted. He wanted me to lose weight.

The thoughts about me being over weight claimed my appetite and i put the sub back in the wrapper and placed it beside dean. "Thanks but im still full from earlier."

He pulled the car over on the side of the road, he turned to me quickly. "I know what youre thinking and dont do it. Eat it or i will force feed you right here right now."

Tears pooled in my eyes and he sighed, "look, im sorry im not trying to force you but you need to eat. If you dont youre not going to get better. Im just trying to take care of you." He grabbed my hand "(Y/N), what is keeping you from eating?"

I inhaled and the words just tumbled out. "Im fat, parker told me. I can see it myself. My stomach is to big, my thighs touch. Im ugly. I shouldnt eat so much. Parker only gave me a can of food a week."

Deans grip on the steering wheel tightend, i saw his knuckles turn white. "I swear that fucker is going to suffer for what hes done to you." I tried to pull my hand away but his grip tightend. "Dont pull away. I know its hard for you to realize this now but i am not parker. Youre beautiful and youre not fat. In my eyes youre the most beautiful woman i have ever seen. So no one elses opinion matters but mine."

I shook my head "dean youre just being nice because of everything that happened."

He rubbed his hand over his face in frustration, "no im not. Im telling you the truth. Now eat. We will sit here until you do." Just to prove his point he turned the key and the cars engine shut off. I sighed in defeat and started eating again.

He smiled seemingly pleased with himself. Soon we were back on the road. After i finished my sub i placed the wrapper in the bag and leaned my head over on the window. "Here." Dean said and i looked over towards him. He held his jacket out to me, i smiled "thank you." I waded it up and used it as a pillow. A pillow that smelled just like him. Soon enough i was asleep.

I woke up in a bed but this time it wasnt a hospital bed. It was softer and the covers were a bit scratchy but i was comfortable. The pillows smelled familiar, like dean. I looked around and only saw a dresser and a table with a lamp on it. I must be in his room at their house.

The door was open, i moved my leg to see if it still hurt. "Damn it!" The pain seared through my leg and i knew there was no way i could put weight on it. I sighed because i couldnt do anything for myself. I hated feeling helpless.

"You okay?" I heard deans rough voice from the doorway. I looked up and he was leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. My god he looked good. I shook my head, "i hate this. I have to depend on you for everything. Im a burden to you and sam."

He walked over and kneeled beside the bed, "you are not a burden. I take care of you because i want to."

I smiled at his kind words. Ive been doing alot of smiling lately thanks to dean. Hes got such a wonderful soul and heart. He looks rough on the outside but hes really a very caring person.

"Thank you dean. I cant tell you how much i really appreciate what you and your brother done for me. I just wish i could help out in some way, but i cant do anything because of my leg." I placed my hand on his cheek and he actually leaned into my touch. I cant explain whats going on between my heart and dean but i liked it.

He looked up into my eyes with such adoration it hurt. What is it about him?

"I actually have a friend that can help you, if you want to." Dean said cautiously.

"How can they help me? Are they a doctor?"

He shook his head, "i know this is gonna sound strange. Cas...hes an angel. He can heal you in a matter of seconds and make everything go away."

I raised my eyebrow at him. He just waited patiently as i thought it over. Demons are real and i did pray that god gave me strength when i was with parker. So why cant angels be real? I looked into his eyes and nodded.

He let out a breath i didnt realize he was holding. He bent his head "cas, i need you."

I heard a big flutter of wings and there was a man standing in the doorway wearing a trenchcoat. Not the way i pictured an angel looking.

"Hello dean." Cas said in a raspy voice.

"Hey cas, this is (Y/N). She needs you to heal her." Dean said sitting on the edge of the bed beside me.

Cas walked over to me, "hello (Y/N). My name is castiel. All i will have to do is place my hand on your head."

"Thats it?" I asked.

Cas nodded and then i nodded and i shut my eyes. I felt his hand on my forehead and a warm sensation filled me. A few seconds later i felt amazing. I opened my eyes and dean was smiling at me.

"You look even more beautiful than before." He said touching my cheek. I leaned into his touch just as he did mine earlier. I looked up at cas he was standing there awkwardly.

"Thank you cas." I said shyly and he nodded. With a flutter he was gone. I looked around the room but he wasnt there.

"He does that alot." Dean said. "Now would you like to get a shower?"

I closed my eyes at the thought, "oh yes that would be amazing." I moaned, i felt dean shift on the bed. He was turned to the side with his eyes closed.

I put my hand on his shoulder, "dean?" He took a deep breath and turned towards me. He smiled and stood up and held out his hand.

I took it and stood up, and it felt amazing to be able to stand up and move without hurting. I chuckled and moved my leg and bent it. Im sure i had the most ridiculous smile on my face, but i was geniuenly thankful for everything.

"Everything feel alright?"

"Everything feels great. Thank you so much." Before i could stop myself i stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

He flinched a little and looked down at me. "Im so sorry...i didnt..im sorry." I said faster than i wanted to. I tried to turn away but he grabbed my wrist and turned me back to face him. He crashed his lips into mine and growled. His fingers tangled in my hair and pulled lightly. I bit his lower lip and moaned into his mouth.

I ran my hand up his flannel shirt and went to unbutton it when he grabbed my hands and pulled away from me. "No, i cant."

I backed away casting my eyes down to the floor, fiddling with the drawstring on my borrowed sweat pants. "No, im sorry. It was stupid of me to even think..."

He opened his mouth to speak but i just shook my head, "its okay dean you dont have to explain. I get it. Can you please show me where i can freshen up? I dont have any clothes so if its not to much trouble can i borrow these again?"

He walked over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of shorts and a shirt. "You can wear anything of mine you want until we can get you some clothes."

I nodded and took the clothes from him. He walked me down the hallway to the bathroom and showed me where the towels and wash cloths were before shutting the door.

After a nice long hot shower i felt even better my hair wasnt all frizzy anymore, my black tresses were perfectly combed and straight. I hardly recognized myself in the mirror without the bruises and cuts.

I was in deans clothes and they were a little baggy on me but i was a curvy woman so it wasnt to bad. I walked out of the bathroom but had no idea where to go. The only place i actually knew was deans bedroom.

I walked down the hallway and passed more doors. They were all closed so i didnt dare to open them. After all this wasnt my house, i had no business snooping. I heard sam and dean talking on down the hall so i followed their voices.

I turned the corner into a big library of some sort. Sam sat at the table reading from a book dean sat in a arm chair across from him eating a sandwhich. He smiled at me and i couldnt help but giggle at his cheeks stuffed full with food. He was so cute.

"There she is. Feel better?" He said around the food in his mouth.

"Very much, thank you. Both of you." I said looking down. "I dont really know what to do around here. Ill try to be helpful while im here. I promise i will find a place soon and be out of your hair."

Sam looked up with a furrowed brow. "No one said you have to leave. Youre more than welcome here."

I nodded and smiled shyly at sam. He went back to whatever he was doing as i paced back and forth.

Dean walked up to me and grabbed my hands. "Hey, dont feel out of place here. If youre hungry get you something to eat. If youre bored sammy has plenty of books and we have netflix. I want you to make yourself at home."

Dean was tracing circles on my hand with his thumb, my breathing hitched and i could feel, something between us. Dean seemed to notice and let go of my hands.

"Sam, you got anything on where these demons are?" Dean asked sam.

Sam shrugged, "not a hundred percent sure at the moment. Parker is for sure the leader though. It seems like its a recruitment thing. Bobbys looking into it for us."

Dean throws his hands up, "now what?"

"We wait." Sam said impatiently.

@an-unhealthy-obsession

[thebritishblabbermouth]

Suga Fanfiction

Heyyaa lovelies <3

So I am here with a 2 (or 3) part fanfiction on the cutest bean ever. Its angst fluff and smut and its based on a scenario by @atricksterwithwings although the first part barely has any of the scenario mentioned in it xP But I promise the second will!  :)) Let me know how you like it and likes, reblogs and comments are always viewed as a token of love <3 Requests are open :))

Part 2

‘’For Fuck’s sake Taehyung! Would you stop kidding around! Not everything is always a joke you know!’’

I tried, I really did, to keep myself from screaming at him. I didn’t mean to, but it was exhausting. Watching him trying to cheer us up, cover the awful rehearsal performance we’d just looked back on. He kept saying we’d do better, kept talking about tomorrow like it would be the damn answer to all of our problems.

Except it wasn’t. And he knew it.

‘’Sorry Hyung, I’ll just go and check on Jimin then.’’ He mumbled, and I felt like crying at the look on his face. God Yoongi, why did you have such a low tolerance level. Fuck this.

There was no coming out from this dump, we’d raised ourselves onto this platform, written hit after hit and made the public think we were invincible- and perhaps for a second we thought it too. But it was artificial, everyone wanted something new, something exciting. And now, with the looks of things, that fucked up rehearsal tape- we were crashing nose down, into a black hole there would be no revival from. The populace would move on and we’d be left in the ashes, no one bothering to give attention to a simple ‘’has been’’.

It wasn’t that we weren’t trying, Jimin was covered in sweat, Jungkook’s back was killing him even though he was pretending like it didn’t hurt, Namjoon’s migraine was hitting him hard and Hoseok looked like he was about to snap himself. Taehyung and Jin were trying their best to lighten up the mood but right now, their voices were like swords piercing through my mind.

But it wasn’t enough.

We’d never be enough.

The lights were horrid, the mics didn’t work and the echo from the bass was giving me a headache. Was this the song we’d composed? Why did it sound so repetitive and ugly? It was going to be the death of us, and it would be my fault entirely. How did I manage to compose something so disastrous? Was I a fluke? I hadn’t had thoughts like these since the days I featured as Gloss on the underground scene, but right now. I felt worthless, almost distant and airy. Maybe if I just closed my eyes and gave up, things would get better. At least people wouldn’t blame me. I’d be gone by then. I could feel my pupils fall to the back of my head as I leaned against the walls, letting the exhaustion fill me up. It was easier this way. No one to live for and no one to account for. No responsibilities.

Nothing.

‘’Yoongi? Can you open your eyes for me love?’’

You. Your voice, it brought me back- from wherever I was. It wasn’t fair, I didn’t want to be brought back, and I didn’t want to live up to your expectations, especially when I knew I couldn’t.

‘’What is it? Can’t you people just let me be? I am trying to do my damned work and all you do is get in my way.’’

‘’You aren’t doing your work Yoongi. You’re at home, look around you sweetheart.’’

Sweet words, the honey voice, deep forgiving eyes, damn. It was excruciating, looking at you staring down at me, almost like a damn angel, my angel- just for me. Even if I pushed you away, made you spend months alone, never replied back to your texts on time- every mistake I’d ever committed, you let it slide.

Every time.

Telling me you loved me, telling me that you’d be fine without me, letting me make love to you when I came home- even though there were words to be said first, discussions, conversations waiting on the side-lines of our love.

But was it really love? Or was it pity? Did you feel sorry for me? Trapped in a meaningless relationship, all by yourself- just waiting for me to turn my head around and give you the time of day. That’s all that it had become, my love wasn’t enough. It wasn’t what you deserved. A single whispered confession, perhaps the tiniest fraction of what I felt for you was the most that I could offer- on the days that I could sneak into bed behind you, relish in your presence for the shortest interval of time. I was selfish, taking from you whenever I could and not bothering to give anything back. You deserved diamonds and jewels, laughter and love and most importantly- you deserved time.

‘’You’re so annoying…let me sleep.’’ I said, sitting up. It had to be done. Today. You needed to be set free. Enough was enough.

‘’Maybe…but I love you.’’ You pecked my cheek and giggled, turning around to grab a tray- laden with what looked like soup. My stomach rumbled at the sight and I almost forgot every thought that had crossed my mind that evening.

Almost.

Dipping the spoon into the bowl you tore your eyes away from mine, as if you were trying to distract yourself from the tears pooling in your ducts. ‘’Namjoon dragged you here you know, you started hyperventilating inside the studio and then fainted on the floor. Jungkook was so scared.’’

‘’So what? I am tired, I havent slept in days. I fainted. Big deal. Maybe if people left me alone I could actually get some work done and not have to worry about not meeting deadlines.’’ I said, pushing the tray aside as I stood up, my knees wobbling with every step I took.

‘’We were worried Yoongi…’’ your voice faltered as you spoke, emotion dripping from every word.

‘’Yeah well…calm down. I am not a child.’’

‘’But I care for you. And I want you to be healthy…so if you could just maybe…’’ you stood up, the tray perched in your hands as the tears started to fall. I’d done it again. Made you cry. But this was the last time. One final shot of pain and it’d be over.

‘’Maybe what? Honestly. Get off my back. You’re my girlfriend, not my mother. In fact right now, I don’t want you at all. Don’t you have a life other than caring for me? Nothing to do at work these days huh? I can’t keep up with you. With what you want, with these expectations I know you have. It’s so superficial, this relationship, it isn’t working. I don’t have time for this. And if anything it’s just dragging me down.’’

Bullshit.

Every word id just spurted out was complete garbage. You weren’t on my back at all, you’d always given me space. Your job, was probably more demanding than mine, but you’d never brought your work life between us. Never pushed me aside for something more important. I was jealous of your skills, how you could love so selflessly, love with all your heart even if your mind was occupied with something else. But worst of all, you had never dragged me down, instead, you raised me to heights I couldn’t keep up with.

‘’Really? That’s what you think huh?’’

The soup tray was placed onto the table and you held your hands in your own, face pointing to the ground. It was like I was scolding you and you just listened. Goddamnnit. Why would you agree to everything I’d just say? You were supposed to make this easy on my sentient, kick and scream and put up a fight. It would be easier to deal with your anger, your tears however were knives to my heart.

‘’Do you have no conscience? You literally just nod your head to everything I say? Is that how desperate you are for this relationship? Why? You think you won’t last without it?’’ I scoffed as I spoke, unable to keep the shiver from escaping into my voice.

‘’Do you love me?’’

It was a whisper. Words spoken so softly they competed against the silence that surrounded the room.

‘’No. I am over you.’’

Lies. Nothing more than lies.

‘’Then why are you crying Yoongi?’’

I saw you walk around to where I stood, and felt your hands touch my shoulders- in an attempt to turn me around. Your voice shook with emotion, and your fingers felt cold against the rips in my sweatshirt. A contrast to the warmth they usually emitted. ‘’A day. Tomorrow. Only to ourselves. That’s all I ask of you. One day.’’

‘’One day isn’t going to change anything, we’re done. I’d rather you not be pathetic and sappy over the whole thing. We aren’t working out and its best we stop right here.’’ I needed to clarify things, to make it simple for the both of us.

‘’I’ll be ready tomorrow- by 11. If you think I deserve the one day I am asking for; you will be too.’’

2.

‘’Whatever you have planned out for us, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re over and that I need to get back to work. I have comeback to prepare for, one that requires me to put my best foot forward. I need to go back to the studio as soon as possible.’’

It was insane. I hadn’t slept all night, it was almost impossible to. Your scent lingered all over my bed, sweet strawberries and sugar gracing my pillow and teasing me to no end. I needed to change the sheets but I couldn’t bring myself to move, to rid my room of your presence. One more night. Just one more and tomorrow, id whitewash the whole damn place of your existence. I deserved just one more night to bask in you.

‘’I know you have a comeback. We’re going to the studio and you’re going into your studio to rehearse. Its work and it’s a priority.’’

You were chirpy and radiant, dressed in white shorts and the cutest of black shirts id ever laid eyes on. A damned spring day would look repulsive in front of you. Had you gone shopping? I hadn’t even noticed, much like most of things Id ignored about you. It was going to be torture, keeping my hands away, spilling hatred your way when you looked so damn delectable.

~~~~~~~~~

The drive to headquarters was calm, your hand clasped in mine as if we hadn’t just fought yesterday, as if everything was sunshine and rainbows. Except it never was, and probably never would be. I shouldn’t have threaded your fingers with my own, shouldn’t have rested our palms on my thigh as I stared at you. But I did.

And I broke just a little more when I saw the tear drop onto your cheeks.

‘’I won’t be coming out for another hour at the least, and I don’t have time for whatever you’ve planned for us. It better not be a stupid date, I don’t do shit like that.’’

‘’Take your time Yoong…do your thang okay?’’ You reached onto your tiptoes and ruffled my hair, an action that shouldn’t have sent me onto the edge, shouldn’t have made me want to bury myself under your calming touch. And you giggled, fucking giggled as I bent down to let you do as you pleased, you knew I was putty at your hands and damn your sly ways, you knew how to use me.

It had been an hour, or maybe three. I was stuck inside the four walls I cherished most, working, playing, composing- distracting myself with work that was supposed to be a task to complete. Where were you? And why the hell would you want to spend a day with me only to walk away and leave me in my own damn studio. My mind spun as I wrote bars of music on the notepad.

‘’Yoongi! I have food!’’

You pushed your way into my space, as if it were your own... bringing in mounds of mouth-watering meat and god knows what else besides.

‘’They’re your favourites Min, all of them freshly prepared.’’

When you had decided to climb into my lap, I had no idea. Perching your tight bottom onto my lap as you shimmed your way into a more comfortable position.

The food didn’t seem too important anymore.

‘’Open up now…’’ you said, digging the plastic spoon into the noodles as you imitated your command, hot little mouth tugging into a smirk as I did as you told. I swallowed the bite and you placed your lips over mine, tongue diving into my mouth without any warning.

‘’Hmmm…that sauce is really yummy.’’

You winked.

Right as you sat in my lap, arms strewn across my neck and the taste of my mouth on your lips as you spoke. My length stirred in my trousers and I gulped visibly. This wasn’t fair play.

With every bite, there was a kiss, a tease and my eyes refused to leave your own your hands playing with my ears, stroking them softly. I was speechless and you knew it.

‘’Yoongi Hyung…we need that demo track-‘’ Jimin burst through the curtains and I cursed under my breath. Not a moment of peace, and fuck if he saw my hard on it would be a nightmare with all that mocking. ‘’Oh…Noona! I didn’t know you were here? It’s been so long since we’ve seen you. Hyung hardly ever lets you come over. Hes always so busy. Tch Tch…the man never seems to have the time of day does he?’’

Jimin giggled and I felt you stiffen, my eyes widening at his words.

He’d noticed too. He knew the tales of my negligence, knew how I never stopped to love you.

Everyone knew.

Except me.

I didn’t deserve a last chance, but you, you deserved so much more in life, and I was prepared to give it to you.

‘’Get off my lap and get out of here. I don’t ever want to see you in the studio again.’’

Your gasp and silent approval was all that lay around us, my heart bleeding at whimpers that came from your own.

Part 2

[dissonants-13]

Prompt 25: “If I leave now, I won’t come back.” For any ILITW character that inspires you

Thank you for playing non! I hope you like it xx

If anyone would like to make a request, prompt list is here: break yo heart

Story Details: Angst, angst, angst. Lucas x MC, Lucas x Stacy if you squint. I’ve used the generic name Devon for MC, but I’ve used they/them as dear nonny didn’t specify a gender. Dark themes, mental health issues. 

‘I Wont Come Back’

Before

“Devon!” Lucas says, for the fourth time,raising his voice a little now. It’s halftime, the last game of the regularseason, and the cheerleaders are doing a routine - but nothing so interestingthat Devon would be that engrossed. Dan is standing on the side line,open-mouthed beneath a stream of Gatorade, and when he’s satisfied, he wipeshis mouth on the back of his sleeve and tosses the bottle back to the waterboy, before leading his team down the race to the locker rooms.

“What?” Devon finally says, turning to look atLucas.

“Finally! What planet are you on?” Lucas asks, tappingDevon’s forehead and half-expecting to hear a hollow sound. “Do you want somefood?”

Devon shakes their head absently, wrapping theirarms around themselves as if to hold all their pieces together. Lucas isfamiliar with the posture. He’s also familiar with Devon’s standard ‘no’ answerto food, and, eyeing their jutting collarbone, resolves to get an extra dim simanyway. 

He pushes and shoulders his way through themilling crowd to the food trucks, and he lines up, his mind still on Devon.They’ve been together for quite a while now, since before Noah; a relationshipforged in the fire of the whole Redfield issue. Over the last year, everyonehad scattered; Lucas and Stacy to college, Andy and Dan repeating senior year,Lily working as a teacher’s aide, and Ava working at the library and running ahealing herbs business out of Pritch’s old place. Devon stuck aroundWestchester to heal and take stock, but since the one year memorial, that wholeprocess had seemed to crash a little.

Lucas pays and takes his food back to thebleachers, where Devon is still staring into space. More often than not thesedays, this is how Devon is, even when Lucas is home from college. The weightloss, the clear depression - which Devon does not want to talk about -the distraction, all of that Lucas can deal with. What he’s struggling with isthe abyss of distance that’s opened up between them; Lucas feels like he’salways reaching to Devon across the darkness, and getting absolutely nothing inreturn.

He’s tried to say how it all makes him feel, butDevon just doesn’t really get it. All the guilt and sadness in the wake ofNoah’s betrayal and sacrifice is enough to deal with - Devon just doesn’t seemto comprehend how all the little manifestations of pain in their life harmsLucas and their relationship. How it feels like Devon doesn’t care, becausethey never ask how Lucas’ day was, when he always asks after Devon’s.How much it hurts when Devon doesn’t even notice Lucas anymore, not even whenhe strolls in, naked as the day he was born and gleaming after a shower. Howdevastating it is when Lucas is always trying to help, and Devon gives himnothing back. They can’t talk about Devon’s feelings. They can’t talk aboutwhat happened. Every day just feels like mounting moments of things leftunsaid, and Lucas is worried about Devon coping, but he’s also exhausted fromfeeling like he’s the only one putting all the effort in.

After the game, the gang wants to hang outbecause everyone is back in town, and the Wolves won, and they so rarely get tobe together for the happy moments now that everyone is doing their own thing.Devon doesn’t want to go; Lucas watches their lips press together and theirhead shake slowly, firmly shutting down Stacy and Lily’s pleading.

So Lucas goes out with the gang alone, and forthe first time in a while, it’s kind of like a weight is off his shoulders.

After

“It’s like guilt, warring with a sense offreedom,” Lucas sighs, rubbing his tired eyes and stirring his coffee.

Stacy hums an agreeable noise and eyes Lucasclosely. “But how are you doing?” She carefully avoids the ‘are you okay?’ lineof questioning, and Lucas both blames and thanks her Intro to AbnormalPsychology class for making her so good at interrogating him. He has absolutelyno doubt that Stacy will be literally the worlds best criminal psychologist,and it’s only partly because she already has an innate ability to see straightthrough everyone’s bullshit.

“It’s hard,” Lucas admits. “Every day is hard.But..” he stops, breathing deeply, and the words die in his throat.

“But what?” Stacy asks, lacing their fingerstogether. There’s no hesitation. No doubt or space between them. It’s easy.

Lucas pushes his glasses up the bridge of hisnose with his free hand and eyes her. “But…I haven’t shut everyone out atleast.”

Before

The night that finally breaks Lucas is hisbirthday. It’s not just that Devon seems to have forgotten all day and onlysays happy birthday when Lucas’ phone dings with a steady stream of birthdaymessages over dinner (which he picked up and bought with him to Devon’s house).It’s not just that it’s painfully obvious immediately that Devon didn’t get hima present. It’s not just that for weeks Devon has been noncommittal to allLucas’s ideas; movies, bowling, dinner at a nice restaurant, none of it. Andit’s not just that when the gang arrives, ready to take Lucas out, that Devonflat refuses to go. It’s all of that, and more.

It’s the missing affection, which he givesDevon, but he doesn’t get in return.

It’s the fact that Devon won’t even tryto let him in.

It’s the fact that Lucas is putting in allthe effort and getting a brick wall in return.

It’s that Devon would rather write letters toNoah that never get sent, because he’s dead, than talk to Lucas, wholoves Devon and wants to help.

And Lucas is sick of it. The guilt isoverwhelming, but Lucas is just so exhausted of the whole thing. He can’t holdDevon and himself up anymore, he can’t drag Devon out of the darkness without anyhelp. He doesn’t want to end things, but he can’t ignore how he feels anymore.He needs to take care of himself.

And so, with all their friends watching and hot,prickling tears in his eyes, he says; “Are you really not going to come?”

Devon curls up on the couch, in that samehugged, defensive position. “No. I don’t want to.”

Lucas feels someone, maybe Lily, touch hisshoulder gently, but he shrugs them off. “Then you know this is it?” he says, alittle harsher than intended. “If I leave now, I won’t come back.”

Devon slowly meets his eye, lips pressedtogether. It strikes Lucas then that all the warmth is gone from Devon’s browneyes. There’s nothing left but emptiness and maybe the slightest hint ofregret.

“Then go,” Devon says, with an air of finalitythat makes even Andy suck in a shocked breath.

By the time they get to Dan’s car, Lucas knowshe’s crying openly, but it still hurts and he can’t hide that. He gaveeverything to someone who was lost to a dead man, and forces none of them couldcontrol.

“We don’t have to go out,” Ava says gently, andif Ava Cunningham thought the situation didn’t need any snark then things weredire indeed.

“No, we do,” Lucas snaps, getting into the frontseat. “The last thing I need is to turn into Devon.”

They pile in behind him, half in Dan’s car, andthe other half in Lily’s. Stacy sits behind Lucas, and halfway into town, hefeels her squeeze his shoulder gently. He lowers the window, and, for the firsttime in months, he can breathe again.

After

It’s after midnight, and his suite is quiet andstill when Lucas gets the call. It’s Andy, full of panic and grief, and Lucasalready knows what’s happened before the news even comes.

“It’s Devon - parents found - nothing - just getto the hospital-”

Lucas drives there in a stupor, through thenight, to the hospital at Westchester, but Dan intercepts him in the lobby.Lucas melts into Dan’s strong arms and vice-like hold, letting Dan take all theweight of his world for a moment. Curiously, he finds he cannot cry; his jaw istight and his eyes burn, like he should be crying, but nothing comes.

“Devon’s gone mate,” Dan murmurs, in the mostDan-like of voices; deep, calming, like music you don’t hear, but feelin your soul. “It was over before the medics even got to the house.”  

“No suffering?” Lucas manages to ask, throughhis sandpaper throat.

“Like going to sleep, the doctors said,” Dananswers, holding Lucas tighter. And then, without even looking at Lucas’ faceto know, Dan says, “This is not your fault. Devon had demons none of uscould understand.”

Even still, Lucas knows the guilt and the painwill live with him forever.

After

In the years since, he’s asked for signs. He’sdowned oceans of booze, slept with scores of easy conquests, driven too fast,and purposefully listened to songs that make him cry, just to feel something.But no sign has ever come. He tries to move on, but he never goes for what hereally wants because he doesn’t want to destroy that too.

Maybe it’s a curse, he thinks. Noah had it afterJane, and Devon after Noah. The curse of being unable to let go. Redfield’slast gift.

It’s like a ball of lead that sits in his chest,weighing him down no matter how good he feels. Lucas wonders if he’ll ever notfeel the weight of what Devon did. 

He wonders right up until the moment that Lilylooks up at him, her newborn son cradled in her arms, and says, “Uncle Lucas,there’s someone here who wants to meet you.” Stacy holds his hand, and the roomis so full of emotion from all their friends, that it feels like the warmestand softest of blankets shrouding them all. Even Ava is misty-eyed, and she’smore stoic than any of them.

And he hopes again.

[jinyoungs-hipsdontlie]

a letter to you, jonghyun.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been hesitating and reconsidering alot regarding this but i felt the need to do it so here goes.

This is going to be my last farewell letter to Jonghyun. This is where i’m going to spill all my thoughts out on everything that has happened, in order for me to finally let go and heal from this situation. I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but i guess i really need to let it all out.

I want to finally move on from this. I want to get back to my usual self. It’s been terribly exhausting for me lately; emotionally, mentally and even physically. 

And no, this is not the last time i will post about Jonghyun. But this would be the final one filled with sadness and grief. After this, i want to only post bright and happy memories of him, just like how i want to remember him forever.

NOTE: It’s going to be EXTREMELY long (2800+ words i never knew i had to express) and kinda triggering so i put it under keep reading. Please ignore and scroll past this post if you know you might be triggered. I really dont want any of you guys to hurt more than you already have.

[death tw] [suicide tw] [suicidal ideation tw] [depression tw]

. . .

And now i think, it’s time. 

It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace. ——————————–

Sigh.

Where do i even begin.

This is so hard.

…It still hurts. Everything hurts.

Hearing that you took your own life broke me. Death, especially of a loved one, has always been my biggest fear in life. I lost a schoolmate back in September 2012 through suicide. And just last year in November 2016, i lost my aunt to suicide. And 5 days ago, 18th December 2017, i lost you, my first ever idol through the same horrid way.  And that’s part of the reason why i think, that i felt the news of you leaving the world hit so close to home for me personally.

It opened up old wounds for me, and i thought that this time, instead of keeping strong and playing a facade, im going to let myself feel, to grieve and mourn and then recover. When i lost my aunt last year, i wasn’t able to grieve much. Because i had to stay strong for my mother who had just lost her beloved sister. I couldnt just stand and cry, i had to hold my mom’s arm and support her to walk during the funeral and prayers. So this time, i did not lie to myself that i was okay, because i wasnt at all.

The first 3 days. I havent been able to eat, just water and barely a few spoons of rice each day… eating so that i wouldn’t make my family worried about me. I havent been able to sleep well, just a few hours each day, because the image of you appears before me whenever i close my eyes. I couldnt even watch your videos or listen to your voice as it hurt too much. I couldn’t believe you were gone. I feel so lost, so empty, literally on autopilot mode.

But no, i’m not blaming you for taking your own life. I’m not angry at you, i’m not disappointed in you, i really have no negative feelings towards you. Because i know, that what im suffering now… is the tiniest fraction of how much you have. For how long you have been in pain and how much you hurt, i’m so sorry. 

I’m sorry that you had to go through all this. I’m sorry you felt so alone even though you’ve been practically screaming it out to us. I’m sorry that the world was not your fate. I’m sorry for everything.

It pains me so much, to know that you had everything planned out. You, suffering in the dark, still continued being the kindest person through it. You had waited for your member’s birthdays to be over, you waited until your solo concert series was over, you left a meaningful song for us fans… to cope with the loss of a loved one, knowing fully well that we would need it after hearing the news of your death. You left a note for your loved ones, you even messaged your beloved sister before it all. You have always been so kind. 

Reading that letter you left us, it broke me so much. I cant even find words to describe it because i never ever thought you have been in so much despair. I don’t advocate suicide or taking the life of ownself, but as your long time fan, i respect your decision. All i can say is, you did so well Jonghyun. It is indeed commendable that you made it this far, and you really did go through alot.  

I can’t help but feel so sorry even though i know that there’s nothing i could have done. It just hurts to know it was so bad, so bad that you had to end it yourself since it was too much for you to handle. I cant imagine the feelings that went through you that day, when you knew you were going to take your life. Did you eat your favourite meal knowing it’d be your last? Were you crying or just all numb? I tried to tell myself not to think so much about you on that day, but i couldn’t stop myself from thinking. 

Sigh.

The first three days was a nightmare. That monday evening, i cried so much. The initial shock and sorrow was too hard to handle. The news crashed down on me so hard. 

On the 19th, i remember breaking down when i came home after class. I broke down bad, crying so terribly hard.

On the 20th, I attended a vigil that we had for you here in Singapore. It was one of the hardest thing i’ve ever done. 

I tried to be strong, but seeing the other shawols at the florist also buying roses for you, i broke down. We all did. It was so heartbreaking. I had to fight so hard make sure i didn’t cry on the train as i made my way to the venue. 

I think the only way i could describe the vigil; bittersweet. Approx a thousand people came, of all ages, to pay our last respects to you in our own way. The lightsticks, the flowers, the letters, the shawols who relied on each other and grieved together. It was all so beautiful, but it hurt so much. 

I teared up when i was already in the queue. I held the lightstick and letters in one hand, and a red rose in the other. As i got closer, i brought the rose close to my nose. I took a deep breath, five times. Each time after i say a prayer for every member of SHINee. First you, then the rest by age order.

My walls finally broke, after i placed my flower near the picture of you and said a prayer. It was so hard. I couldnt stop the tears. And to the little angels over there who gave out tissues fo all of us who broke down, and giving free hugs to anyone in need, thank you. I cried in my sister’s arms. I’m not one who shows my tears infront of people i love, but this time i couldnt keep the strong facade. I had to let it all out. 

Shortly after, we all gathered close, and sang the chrous of your debut song, Replay. I tried to keep my voice stable, but i couldnt help the falter at the end. Also, like what you wanted and what you deserved to hear, we all told you ‘수고했어요 - You did well’ in unison. I couldn’t help but break down again at that. It was really so difficult to face reality, but that vigil had brought me the slightest bit of acceptance. Im thankful for my chance to attend it.

And then Thursday.

21.12.17, you were finally laid to rest. With all your loved ones by your side, i hope those last moments were not lonely for you. You are so loved Jonghyun, you really are.

I woke up that morning trembling for some reason. I checked my phone, and saw that none of my alarms had rung. Puzzled why i woke up so early, i looked at the time. And realized that it was just 10 minutes before your funeral procession.

I had to be in class in an hour and i knew i couldnt bear to see or hear anything about your funeral so i immediately uninstalled Facebook and Twitter. But when i came home that afternoon, i told myself, that i should just see the pictures/watch the procession. Not to see everyone mourning or what so ever, but for the sake of closure. For acceptance. I think i needed it. 

And so i did. And god, how much i cried. It broke me so much, i shook terribly while sobbing. It was the worst thing i have seen, every single second pained me. That was not the image i had when i said i wanted to see SHINEE has five again. What’s worse, Kibum’s letter to you was uploaded 10 minutes later. And damn, cue the tears again. He’s so strong and he really loves you so much, Jonghyun. 

After crying for longer than i’d like to admit, i drank a glass of water and stared up to the sky. I gave a final prayer to you, for you to rest in peace. 

A few hours later, strangely, i felt calmer. For the first time since your passing, i felt like i could feel you were finally in peace up there. I really hope you are. That evening, i managed to eat my first proper meal in 3 days. I guess i’m finally accepting it.

And yesterday. 

I woke up and even though it hurt, i told myself i have to move on. I still couldnt eat properly and skipped meals but i managed to eat dinner? And even though i was still pretty empty and lost, i agreed to watch a movie with my sister at the cinema. I was reminded of you throughout and i did feel pangs of sadness, but i could still enjoy it slightly. 

And last night, i managed to watch a video of you singing. I’ve seen it on my tumblr dash a few times and so i told myself to watch and listen to your voice again, instead of scrolling past. It was that video of you singing ‘This Woman’s Work’. Oh how much have i missed your voice! I would be lying if i said i didn’t cry, but i pulled through and watched til the end. The way you sang with all your heart, so beautiful, that’s the Jonghyun i have always loved. 

Then after, I listened to your song, ‘End of a day’. I already knew my dams would break with this one so i got my tissues ready. And cried hard did i. But i was able to listen to the end, paying so much attention once again to the tones of your voice and how beautiful it is. 

I don’t know how but somehow after listening to your voice, even though i cried through it, i felt much calmer and stronger. Sigh… look at you, even in heaven you’re still comforting me with your beautiful voice. An angel you really are. And last night after all that, for the first time this entire week, i managed to sleep well. For 10 hours straight. Call it wishful thinking, but im pretty sure it’s because i finally listened to your voice again. That calming voice which i love. 

And today, a Saturday, i woke up to Jinki’s letter. Look at him, the world’s greatest leader. Even in all this chaos, he’s still so strong and reliable. He loves you so much, Jonghyun. And so does all your members. 

I was also able to eat 2 full meals today. I drank more water than i had for each of the past 5 days. I  also watched funny videos of you, Jonghyun. I washed my hair, did my usual skincare routine which i paused since Monday. And now, here i am, about to sleep, with a facial mask to use once i post this.

I think i’m coping better these days.

Jonghyun, i’m doing well right? Please tell me i’m doing well too. Please continue to give me strength and happiness from up above, to help me move on and be myself again, and even in the future. Please be my guiding angel, like what you’ve been for the last 8 years to me. 

You’ve changed the colour of the moon and lamps to our favourite pearlescent aqua, you’ve given us so many signs that you’ve made it to heaven and the skies this past week, thank you for reassuring us fans that you’re doing well up there. Please look after us from above; most importantly, your mother, sister, the members, your friends and loved ones. 

…..

I just want to let you know again, that becoming a fan of SHINee and even more, a fan of you, Jonghyun, is still and will forever be one of the best decisions i have ever made. 

Do you remember that time i first heard SHINee? I saw a group of students performing Ring Ding Dong at a school event and thought it was great so i went to check it out.

Do you remember the time you made me smile and laugh so hard during Hello Baby? I watched the entire thing in 2 days on Youtube, it’ll always be my favourite, i can never forget you and your skinship with baby Yoogeunie.

Do you remember how i was so proud when you released your first solo album? It was amazing!

Do you remember how much happy tears i cried along with you and the boys when SHINee won Best Artist of the Year at Melon Music Awards in 2013? My heart was bursting with pride! 

Do you remember how i went to Seoul in October 2015 and September 2017 and took a picture/selfie next to every standee or advertisement of yours i saw? I didn’t care if i looked weird or funny cos as a fan, that was a golden moment as i never was able to get that close to you.

And of course, do you remember how ecstatic i was when i heard SHINee was coming to Singapore for Music Bank in August and Shilla Duty Free Beauty Concert in November? Who cares how overpriced the tickets were… I was the happiest person when i got them! 

Watching you perform and listening to your beautiful voice live not once but twice, is one of my happiest moments in life, and it will forever be.

…sigh… it sucks when reality hits me and i realize that i won’t be able to see you again, well not in this lifetime at least. But i can assure you, Jjong, that i will never ever forget you.

You may not be in the same form as me, but know that you are everywhere with me. In my heart, in my mind, in my music albums, in my phone’s gallery, in my old study notes that i scribbled your name, in my keychain hung on my bag, in my pearlescent aqua coloured portable charger and sweater, and ofcourse, in my beloved SHINee lightstick. 

I love you and i won’t forget you.

…Before i conclude, i want to say thank you. 

Thank you for being my first ever idol and my first love.

Thank you for making me smile and laugh til i cry.

Thank you for composing and writing such beautiful songs, your music as SHINee and as a solo artist has given me immense strength and happiness and comfort all these years.

Thank you for being an amazing role model, your actions/thoughts/words have inspired me to be a better person.

Thank you for being so strong all these years, and trying your best to fight the negativity.

Thank you for being the best son and the best brother to your mother and sister, your adoration and love for them are the sweetest thing ever.

Thank you for being the kindest, most loving and the most supportive brother to Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin; your love for them and their love for you have shown me what true friendship and family is. 

Thank you for everything, Jonghyun.

And now i think, it’s time. It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace.

[sublimemessenger]

i feel like talking thanks

under the cut/read more i talk about tomorrow/today and how i feel now and also sports bras to introduce everything but i just really love to brain vomit whats on my mind at late hours of the night to complete strangers (or not strangers i have some of those following me too) on the internet so take a look it you want to

i love wearing sports bras it feels like im Out Here getttin ready to Do Something it kinda feels like doing ur brows b4 normal things like homework or grocery shopping also my anxiety rn is potential energy bc im not so anxious yet but i have a chorus audition later today when the sun comes up and falls again it’ll awaken and become kinetic energy anxiety in motion and i really should be sleeping to maybe get rid of some of that anxiety later but im awake also i have an appointment tomorrow to look into being put on meds for my anxiety bc my mother has finally realized that i have in fact been professionally diagnosed professionally with disorders ive had all my life and they’ve just been getting worse as ive gotten older but im happy for the appointment maybe there’ll exist a time when im not anxious or thinking about my anxiety or worrying or something idk but as for the audition im scared a little more now because ive had hearing loss and have not been at my best singing but music is the most important thing to me and i dont want to not be in a place surrounded by people who also love music do you feel? i can do everything the director asks me to just not in front of his face in front of him in front of the piano in front of anything that could tell me ive failed again because you see this is my third or fourth time auditioning for this chorus and i also dont want to come off as pitiful; trying so hard to succeed with so much heart, yet failing; crashing and burning every time. that’s what ive always been, very pretty good, but not good enough to be so great so so so great. if im not promoted to the next chorus next year/season then i may not return. and if i do try to drag my ass back to that place for another audition, then it’ll be midyear after a lot of work and if not then, im going to give that choir up and pursue some different choir or performance opportunity despite the fact that it has been my dream for the past 4 years. i regret not taking it seriously and working harder in the first and second years and shying away from singing like i want to aka the way i should bc the director told us to tone it down once bc some ppl “had very operatic voices” so i quieted down and havent been the same ever since yay hooo boy now im a little tiny bit anxious but it’s okay it’s not over yet and i will find a way to make something work and i will sing. you know what, ive noticed ive been trying to be more self reassuring this past year and sometimes it really does work. maybe everything will turn out and end up okay. i’ll try my best and i’ll get better. thanks for listening or reading or hell whatever.