#i haven't had the energy to do laundry for like two months now and i just did it im literally a national hero

[rapidhighway]

none of this stupid art i make is worth this torture. not sonic tho, that's worth everything

[222col]

is it casual now? | part 2

★ patrick zweig x reader ★ part two of this - based on the song 'casual' by chappell roan ★ 5.7k ★ 18+ | inc: angst, smut, fluff, f oral, unprotected sex, choking, spitting, breeding, smoking, drinking, drugs ★ an: patrick is a college student & also has a sister for context

your grades had slipped, your drinking had gotten worse, your body count had gone up. your focus and energy stripped away from you in one conversation with patrick zweig. you were smoking out your dorm window, rather than just usually at parties. going through bags of weed alone, rather than at the park with some friends. you faked smiles and acted like your world wasn't shattered the minute patrick left you dorm room all those months ago. your friends hadn't noticed how badly you were struggling, putting on too good of a facade for anyone to dig past. you hadn't seen patrick once since he left, not even at parties or around campus. one of your friends heard he'd dropped out of college, but you didn't know how true that rumour was, although you wouldn't put it past him. he never was too interested in classes, more the parties and the tennis. he'd told you once that college was his parents' idea, not his. but, you still couldn't bring yourself to believe that he may have well and truly left.

patrick was on your mind often, when you'd find an t-shirt of his in your laundry, or someone walking past you was wearing his cologne. you'd blocked his number the morning after he left, knowing you'd probably drunk call him if you didn't delete it. his sister calls you sometimes, asking about college, telling you about school, but she never mentions patrick. neither do you, you don't want him to find out you're asking about him. can't face the embarrassment of him thinking you're still pining over him. you always end her call and immediately roll a joint, needing to numb the pain after remembering patrick's actions.

as another friday rolled around, you began your weekend routine. showering, smoking a cigarette out of the window, towel in your hair. doing your make up at your desk, drinking a few cans of whatever was cheapest before slipping into the smallest skirt and top you could find that was clean in your wardrobe. drying your hair, packing your purse and walking over to whatever fraternity was hosting a party that night. meeting your group of friends, stealing a bottle of liquor from the kitchen and sitting outside in the garden. lighting another cigarette as you all shared the stolen alcohol. "do you always have to show us up?" one of your friends laughs to you, passing the bottle along. you laugh back, rolling your eyes. "i'm not showing anyone up. we're all hot." toking on the cigarette, legs crossed on the plastic chair. all of you gossiping about your weeks, pointing out the cute boys inside and laughing your way through the liquor bottle. stubbing out your cigarette, a blonde boy walks outside. "hey, art." your best friend smiles to her fellow tennis teammate. your breath hitches, half expecting patrick to follow him out, they used to be attached at the hip. but art's alone. "what, no patrick glued to your side?" your friend teases, met with a slap to the arm. "i thought we said no mentioning he who shall not be named." your best friend whispers in her ear.

art laughs at your group, lighting his own cigarette. "no, no patrick. he dropped out a couple months ago, haven't seen much of him since." holding in any form of a reaction to art's words, apart from sipping on the vodka you stole. "hmm, interesting. why'd he drop out?" one of your friends asks, as your best friend slips her hand into yours. "not really sure, he just said he couldn't be here anymore, said it was too hard for him." art replies, pulling up a seat with you all. "the classes?" someone asks him. art shakes his head. "i don't think so, i think something must have happened that he just couldn't get over." standing up abruptly, you march inside the house, locking the door to the bathroom behind you. gritting your teeth, head leaning back against the door, holding back your tears. trying to persuade yourself that it couldn't have had anything to do with you. refusing to let your mind wonder, slipping down the door, sitting on the cold floor. did patrick actually feel bad? could he possibly have left college because the sight of you was too hard for him to get over? your mind racing, trying to ignore all the feelings rushing to your brain. you pull yourself out of it when you hear someone saying your name and knocking on the door.

you see the blonde locks before you realise it's art, opening the door fully and letting him join you in the bathroom. "hey, are you okay?" he asks, as you sit down on the side of the bathtub, art joining you. "yeah, sorry, i'm fine." art tilts his head, looking for the real answer. "is this about patrick? i know you guys used to hook up." you can't hold back the scoff, patrick really did never describe your time together as anything more than a hook up. fiddling with your hands, so anxious to be talking about patrick for the first time in over six months. "you know patrick told me he loved me once, while we were hooking up." you start, eyes glued to the floor. "in the bathroom of a restaurant, while his parents were still at the table." you half laugh, as art breathes out. "then when i asked him about it, after he'd kissed some girl at a party i took him to, he just told me he didn't mean it, and that i was nothing more than a fuck buddy to him." art immediately starts to apologise, genuinely disturbed by his friend's actions. "he left me crying on my bed that night, and i never saw him again." nodding your head as you look art in the eyes. he sighs, stroking your back as he apologises again. "so that's why he left." art breathes out. you shake your head in response. "i meant nothing to him, he wouldn't have left because of me." art's hand stays on your back. "patrick gets scared when real emotions come into play, he runs from them. this time he must have just physically ran away from them." tears well up in your eyes, holding your head back, trying to stop them from falling. "i can't think about that, art. he's gone, he's obviously not coming back. i need to try and move on." you respond, standing up and readying yourself to rejoin the party. "thanks, for coming to check on me, and for listening." art smiles sweetly to you, standing up to follow you out of the bathroom. "anytime." closing the door behind you two as he leans down to give you a friendly hug, before you rejoin your girls outside. distracting yourself with more drinks as you attempt to glaze over what just happened, letting your friends lead the conversations and join in the drinking games occasionally. heading home when the sun starts to come up, stumbling into your room, passing out on top of the blankets.

art wakes up the next morning with one thing on his mind, patrick. specifically how patrick treated you, and why he's been hiding everything from him. brushing his teeth before calling his best friend. "a-art? why are you calling so early, are you okay?" patrick's groggy morning voice answers the phone. "patrick it's literally 11am." art replies, pacing around his room, phone to his ear. "whatever, what's up?" patrick mumbles. "why didn't you tell me what actually went down when you left?" art questions, blunt as ever. "what do you mean? i told you, it got too much." art sighs in response. "yeah, but you never said what got too much." it's patrick sighing now, he'd managed to avoid this conversation for all this time. "it was because of her, hasn't it?" art almost whispers into the phone, patrick silent, art speaks your name through the phone. "you left because of what happened between you, didn't you?" patrick still silent, knowing he had to face the music. "yeah," he whispers, voice low. "i couldn't do it anymore, it was killing me to see her around." art hums down the phone, listening to patrick's confession. "how'd you realise?" patrick questions. art explains the conversation you had with him at the party last night, telling patrick how hurt you looked, how upset it made him to see you like that. "she's not doing good, pat. you really fucked up." art tells him off, still walking circles around his room. "trust me, i know." patrick admits to his friend as art asks him, "do you regret it?"

"very much so." patrick replies, without missing a beat. his voice softening with his reply. "apologise and get her back then?" art words phrased as more of an instruction than a question, hearing patrick breathe out heavily. "it's not that easy, art." art slumps onto his bed, aggravated with his friend. "patrick, if you miss her, get her back. she clearly misses you." his words sharp, letting patrick understand the situation. "she was never mine to begin with." patrick chokes on his words, art's never heard him like this. "yeah, and who's fault was that? just don't make the same mistake again, you clearly really like her." art argues back through the phone. "i love her, art." patrick finally admits, his voice soft and quiet, softer than art had ever heard him. "i know you do buddy, that's why you gotta come home and get your girl back." art finally matching patrick's tone. "what if she doesn't want me anymore, art? i fucked up so bad, and hurt her so much. i couldn't cope if she didn't want me." art can hear patrick's quiet sobs as he cries out the words. "look, i'm pretty sure she's not gonna do that, but if she does, i'm always here, okay? i wish you'd have just talked to me in the first place." patrick sighs through the phone before responding. "i know, okay, i'm gonna pack a bag and jump in the car now." patrick says through sniffles. "i'm gonna need your help with this, art."

waking up, head banging, yesterday's make up still on, your room a mess. typical weekend routine continuing. rubbing your eyes, sitting up in bed, checking your texts through squinted eyes.

hey, do you wanna come watch tennis with me today? ur best friend's crush is playing lol if u wanna bring her along. we're all hitting up the dive bar off campus after

you read the text from art, you couldn't think of anything worse than sitting in the sun on the bleachers watching tennis right now, but you know how much your best friend liked this guy on the tennis team. you also know how shy she is about it, despite everyone knowing about her crush. so you of course, as a good friend, accept the invitation.

yeah sure, what time? :)

art tells you the match starts in a couple hours. downing a bottle of water before calling your friend to tell her the plans then jumping in the shower. putting on some make up, jeans and a tank top, placing your sunglasses over your eyes and heading off to meet art and your best friend. a couple girls from your group sit together on the bleachers, as well as the other tennis players that art knows. "you not playing today, art?" you ask him. "nah, my match is tomorrow." nodding your head as your friend starts blushing at the sight of her crush on the court. the game lasts a little while, your friend's crush ended up losing. your hangover finally disappearing as you all head over to the bar. cramming around a couple tables, the big group of you all share drinks and laughs, discussing tennis and college antics.

"where's my blondie?" that oh too familiar voice comes through the door. your body sinking, looking to your best friend for comfort. your back to the door, hoping, praying that it's not him. art's sat two chairs away from you, smile spreading across his face as he turns on his chair. "tell me it's not him." you mumble, grasping your friends hand. her gaze soft, just nodding her head at you. art's engulfed in a hug, those brunette curls are unmistakable. "oh have i missed that face." patrick's words echo around the bar, everyone laughing at the reunion, still facing away from the two of them. as though if you don't look at him, you don't have to accept that he's actually here. he and art walk over to the bar, catching up and ordering drinks. "i need to leave, i can't be here with him." you start standing up, being pulled back down to your seat. "no, you can't give him the satisfaction. you're staying." your knee bouncing up and down as your favourite drink is placed in front of you with a napkin. you don't have to look up to know patrick placed it there, as he and art sit back down on the table. you sigh, pulling the napkin under the table to read the note.

i would have just text you, but you blocked my number. meet me at the park at 10pm?

scrunching up the napkin, you place it in one of the empty glasses on the table. looking over to patrick finally as you do. his eyes locking on yours, mouthing 'please' to you across the table. you roll your eyes and turn back to your friend, telling her what the note said. "you're not going." she instructs you as you sip on the drink patrick bought you. "i know i'm not." you say, eyes drifting back over to patrick who's deep in conversation with all the boys who play tennis. "would you kill me if i did?" you breath out. "yes. yes i would." she laughs, your head falling on to her shoulder. "you're gonna go, aren't you?" her tone is soft, you can feel her shaking her head. "yeah, i am." she simply pats your head. "you're a lost cause." she laughs, the two of you reentering the groups conversation. all the boys at the table gushing over patrick, leaning on his every word, all of your friends are weary of him, subtly giving him dirty looks, smiling at you whenever they do. patrick commands the room, his charm working on everyone at the table, as it always has.

everyone finishes up their drinks around 9pm and heads home, your best friend following you back to your dorm. brushing your hair and reapplying your make up, picking up a hoodie from the floor and slipping it over your head. "just be careful, okay? don't believe everything he says, i'll wait here for you until you get back." your best friend tells you, hugging you before you leave. "and whatever you do, don't fuck him!" she shouts as you close your door behind you. your heart is in your stomach as you walk towards the park on the edge of campus, the path lit by streetlights in what would otherwise be complete darkness. hands in the pocket on your hoodie as you see the park in sight. and there he is. leaning on the wall by the entrance, a toothy grin plastered on his face as he sees you approach. smiling slightly at him as you stand before him. "i'm so glad you came." patrick says sweetly. "why did you ask me here?" you ask, following him as he leads you to a bench in the corner of the park. "this is where we first kissed, did you know that?" he says, the two of you sitting down, his arm resting on the back of the bench behind your head. "mmm, didn't realise." you lie, of course you know that. you've spent hours on this bench in the time he's been away, journalling, listening to music and only sometimes crying.

"we walked here after the party i met you at, we sat here on this bench and talked for hours, before i finally got the courage to kiss you." you scoff at his words, lifting your legs up onto the bench to sit cross legged. "you didn't need courage patrick, i've watched you kiss a girl after two seconds of meeting her." his fingers are inches away from the back of your neck, desperate to touch you. "that's different, you were different." you're shaking your head now, hands reentering your pockets. "i liked talking to you, i hadn't felt like that with someone i wanted to kiss before." he brings his leg up onto the bench, directing his body to you. "oh wow, you were actually interested in what i had to say, that's so kind of you." patrick says your name. "please, this isn't what i asked you here to talk about." his hand fiddling with the hem of his jeans. "well what did you want to talk about, patrick? because i don't have much to say to you." you return, your body shifting to the same position he's sat. finally looking at him, a smile spreading on his cheeks as you do.

it slowly fades as he begins talking. "art told me what happened at the party last night, he called me this morning cussing me out for how i treated you. telling me he knew why i ran away now." your head dips, looking down to your lap. "and he's right, i treated you awfully. you didn't deserve it, i was a piece of shit." he laughs, lifting up your chin to look you in the eyes. "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. it was one of the worst things i've ever done, leaving you like that." his hand stays on your face, stroking your cheek. "and it is why i left, i was scared. because i did mean it, what i told you in that bathroom." your lip quivers at his words, desperately trying to not fall for his games. shaking your head and moving from his hand. "you're just saying that to get what you want." you tell him, eyes welling up. "i'm not, i promise you. i'm telling you because it's true, i was scared and stupid and thought i didn't deserve you." his eyes honest, his leg bouncing, hands fidgeting. "i tried to stick it out, but every time i saw you around and at parties, i couldn't handle it. i couldn't deal with how i felt, and how i let you slip through my fingers." quiet tears from your eyes, his hand moving to wipe them away. "so i left," patrick continues. "i went back home and tried to ignore how i was feeling, but when art called me this morning, i realised it didn't work. because," patrick takes a deep breathe. "i love you."

more tears fall down your cheeks, gulping before you think about speaking. "you hurt me so much, patrick. hearing what you told your friends about me, having you tell me to my face how casual it was after you told me you loved me during a weekend meeting your parents." his fingers tangle between yours, too hurt to move them away from his. "i thought i was the stupid one, for believing you could think of me in anyway that wasn't just some girl you fuck." his eyes welling up now too, listening to you intently. "and i'm still being the stupid one, coming here and meeting you the second you come back, because i missed you so much and i love you." you barely recognise that you're saying the words until it's too late. your lip between your teeth, watching the tears fall down patrick's face. "you do?" he smiles through the tears, laughing as you gently hit him on the arm. "of course i do, you idiot."

his fingers grasp hold of yours tighter now, wiping his tears on his sleeve. "i can't believe you've got me here crying, confessing my love to you." he laughs through his sniffles. "i know, what's happened to the patrick zweig that didn't care about anything apart from tennis and art donaldson?" you laugh, wiping your own tears from your cheeks. "shut up." he laughs at your words. "i know i've got a long way to go to get you to trust me, but i really care for you, and i really wanna give this a go." patrick says, his hands still fidgeting with yours. "my best friend is going to kill me." you laugh back at him, hand caressing his cheek as he leans into your touch. leaning towards you, meeting him half way as his soft lips crash into yours. pulling your body towards him as your lips move in unison. "you look really hot in my hoodie, by the way, cute that you kept it." he whispers against your lips, snapping your head down to the jumper on your body. realising 'stanford tennis' is printed on the centre, bursting out laughing. "oh my god, i didn't even realise, i just picked a hoodie off the floor before i left." hiding your face in his neck as he pulls you into his arms, holding you there for a short while. breathing in your scent, hands balled around the fabric of your hoodie, not wanting to let you go.

your name leaves his lips as he gradually releases you from his grasp. "i really am so sorry, you know? i'll never get over how much of an asshole i was." you smile to him, moving onto his lap, arms snaking around his neck. "i know, it's a good job you're so charming, otherwise there'd be no coming back." you laugh to him, patrick laughing softly in response. "can you actually admit that you remember this bench, now you're not as angry with me now?" he jokes, tickling your sides. "patrick, we literally had sex on this bench that night, how could i forget?" the two of you laugh into each others bodies. "god, you're actually my dream girl." patrick utters, blush creeping onto your cheeks, leaning down to kiss his lips. "shall we go home?" you ask him, standing up from his lap, holding out your hand for him. smiling sweetly as he laces his fingers through yours, following you back to your dorm. unlocking your door as patrick stops you before you push it open. "i just wanna say, i promise to never make you feel the way you did last time i was in this room, ever again, okay?" he tells you, hands holding yours, pressing small kisses to your knuckles. nodding your head softly at him as you enter your room.

"oh, i am going to seriously kill you!" your best friend laughs out, completely forgetting she had offered to wait at your dorm for you while you went to meet patrick. jumping up off your bed, she laughs and shakes her head at you, patrick attempting to hide behind your smaller frame. "i know, i know. but-" you start, cut off by her words. "and you, patrick zweig!" his hands up in defence, smirking at her words. "don't get me started on the torturous acts i will do to you if you hurt her again." your best friend continues, half laughing, half serious as she makes her way to your door. "i'm sorry, he just-" you try again to explain yourself, her cutting you off again. "i trust you, whatever makes you happy, girly. call me tomorrow and tell me everything!" she tells you, closing the door behind her.

sliding your shoes off your feet, patrick follows suit. the two of you discarding your hoodies to the floor, patrick sitting down on the bed, pulling you on top of him. laughing as you fall onto his body, knees either side of his thighs. his hands caressing the bare skin on your arms, placing soft kisses to your neck. "i've missed you so much, missed your skin, your smell, your lips." he mumbles, before placing his lips onto yours. grinding against him softly, arms snaking around his neck, tongue slipping into his mouth. soft breathing and quiet moans slipping through the kiss, the denim of both of your jeans grinding against each other. "are you already hard?" you giggle into his mouth, feeling his boner underneath you. "shut up, it's been a while." he smirks, slipping your bottom lip between his teeth, biting down gently. "you're seriously telling me you haven't slept with anyone else in all this time?" you ask, hands slipping under his t-shirt, stroking the skin on his back. your lips wrapped around his earlobe, flicking your tongue over the skin, small groans falling from patrick's lips. "couldn't do it, couldn't even think about it. just wanted you." he speaks, eyes closed, distracted by your mouth on his jaw. his hands on your hips, grabbing the skin, guiding your movements against him. "god, where's the player gone?" you tease, sucking on the skin of his neck. "i'm a changed man." he smirks, lifting you up, throwing your body down onto the bed, giggling as you land.

pulling his t-shirt over his head, smiling down at you as he climbs on top of you. lips against yours, only pulling apart as patrick pulls your tank over your head. smirking as he notices your lack of bra, his big hands grasping and groping your exposed chest. lips continue attacking each others, reaching between you to undo the top button of his jeans, pulling down the zipper. using your feet to push the jeans down his body. patrick does the rest of the work for you, pushing them down his legs with his boxers, throwing them across the room as you remove your own jeans. patrick's mouth kissing down your stomach, pulling down your underwear with his teeth. heavy breathing filling the room, tension growing, along with your wetness. kicking your panties off your feet as patrick spreads your legs apart, kissing down your thighs, stomach against the bed as his curls disappear between your legs. your back arched, head flung back as patrick's lips leave kisses on your sweet spot. mewling at the feeling, grasping his hair as his tongue flicks back and forth over you. "fuck- i've missed the taste of you." patrick moans against you, causing more profanities to escape you. licking one last line through your folds as patrick kisses his way back up your body to your lips.

teasing you as his cock rubs against you, pushing himself in an inch before rubbing his tip against your clit once more. "jesus, patrick, please fuck me." you beg him, chest rising and falling. "well, seen as in you asked so nicely." he smirks, pushing in, bottoming out. loud moans leave the both of you, patrick grabbing the back of your thighs, pushing your legs against your body. his knees either side of your ass, fucking in and out of you at speed. sloppy kisses against your feet and ankles as sweat slicks his curls to his forehead. sheets balled in your hands, brows furrowed as patrick's name repeatedly falls out from your lips. dropping your legs down as patrick's body weight falls on you, his hands squeezing your waist, pulling you onto him as he pushes himself into you. wet kisses muffle the moans coming from the both of you, tongues gliding against each others. one of his hands moving around your throat, causing your eyes to roll back, signature smirk forming on his lips. "so pretty like this, baby." he utters, moving his free hand down to thumb your clit. "fuck- missed you so much." you confess in your fucked-out state, words coarse due to patrick's hand around your neck. "christ, missed you too princess, missed this pretty pussy too." mouth wide open as patrick's pace increases, eyes not leaving each others, a glob of patrick's spit landing on your tongue. the noise from you has patrick shivering, groaning as he watches you smirk and swallow. "fucking hell, you're perfect. christ, i love you." patrick moans, hand slipping off your throat, clawing at the fabric next to your head.

"i love you- fuck i'm close." you whimper, scratching lines down his spine. "me too baby, shit, fuck-" his hips slap against you a few more times, thumb still rubbing circles on your sweet spot as patrick's thrusts stop, his cum filling you up, painting your walls as your orgasm washes over you. both mumbling each others' names, riding out your high before patrick's body falls onto yours, sliding out of you. your bodies awash with each others' sweat and spit and cum, breathing together as one. patrick falls off to the side, turning to face each other on the bed. giggling at each other, his hand coming up to stroke your cheek as you pull his body closer to yours by his waist. smiles not leaving your faces. "i love you, you're so perfect." patrick mumbles, breathing starting to calm. kissing the tip of his nose as you reply. "i love you too."

patrick spends the week at your dorm, spending every minute he can with you. only darting off to see art during your classes, but making sure he's there to pick you up and walk you home when you finish. going on dinner dates, helping you study, bringing you to tennis with him and art. he hates being away from you, fingers always laced through yours when you're out and about. this week of domestic patrick shows you how far he'd go to get you to trust him, wanting to prove to you that you really do mean everything to him. slowly, but surely, the trust was coming back. meeting art for lunch after your day of classes, the three of you sit and laugh your way through your food. "are you guys coming to the party tonight?" art asks, mouth full of food. it's the one thing you've been scared about. patrick and you had been enjoying your time in your bubble, no real outside influences penetrating. a party with patrick filled you with so much anxiety, knowing how the last one went down. "oh yeah, sure, we'll be there." patrick answers for you, his hand on your thigh.

anxiously getting ready, patrick playing music as you pregame your way through your make up. slipping into a tiny dress, putting your shoes on your feet, asking patrick to put your necklace on for you. looking at you through the mirror as he does, placing kisses on your neck after putting on your necklace. "are you trying to kill me?" he chuckles, zipping up the fly of his jeans. "what do you mean?" you laugh back, packing your bag with your things. "you look so so good, baby." he smiles, pulling you to his lips. "let's go, princess." patrick instructs, lightly smacking your ass on the way out. patrick's engulfed in commotion as the two of you enter the party, by those who hadn't seen him back on campus, his hand never letting go of yours. "i'm gonna go find my girls, i'll find you soon, okay?" you tell him, kissing his cheek as he nods to you, being pulled into the kitchen by the boys. finding your friends hanging around on couches, whistling and complimenting you as you join them. "patrick's still here then, hey?" one of your friends tease you, smirking as you steal her bottle of tequila. gulping some down as the questions come flooding in. is he staying at art's? are you two fully back on then? is it official now? is he re-enrolling?

"oh my god girls, is this twenty questions?" you laugh, swigging down anther gulp. all their heads tilted, waiting for the answers. "patrick's been staying with me, we're doing well but not official no, and he doesn't know yet." you finally breathe out, passing back the liquor. multiple oohs and awws leave your friends mouths, before the tennis boys all join you. squeezing onto couches and piling on the floor as more partygoers join you. "truth or dare!" someone shouts out, everyone nodding in agreement. the big group of you go round playing the game, crushes being revealed, shots being taken, all drinking as you go. "patrick zweig, truth or dare?" one of the boys you've not seen before asks him. "dare, obviously." patrick laughs, sipping on his beer across the room from you. "i dare you... to make out with lucy." the group erupts, reactions mixed. gulping down the frog in your throat, chewing the inside of your cheek. "no." patrick states, shaking his head. "no offence obviously, but i've got a girlfriend." patrick smiles smugly at you, feeling the flush on your cheeks, sipping on your own drink. everyone whispering at patrick's words, as your best friend speaks out. "oh, do you?" she laughs, her head leaning against your knee as she sits on the floor next to you on the couch. "yeah, do you, patrick?" you ask, smirking at him. "you know i do." he laughs across the room, winking at you.

the crowd gradually disperses, patrick nodding you over to him, the two of you heading outside for a smoke. "girlfriend, huh?" you ask, as he lights both your cigarettes. patrick smirks, pulling you into his side. "well, you are, aren't you?" he says, kissing the top of your head. "news to me." you tease him, smirking through your cigarette. patrick says your name, head tilted. "well, you never asked." your eyes looking away, smug as you toke the cigarette. "will you please be my girlfriend?" patrick smiles, pushing your body against his. "hmm, i guess it would be a bit embarrassing if i said no, everyone in there already thinks i am." you continue to tease him. "please be my girlfriend." patrick repeats, laughing through his words. "of course i will." you finally give in, his lips latching on to yours. "i can't believe you did that." you laugh into his neck. patrick just shrugs in response. "i told you, i don't wanna hide how i feel anymore, i'm a taken man!" patrick chuckles. the two of you finish smoking, heading back into the party. patrick pulling you onto the floor where everyone has started dancing, his arms around you, hands resting on your ass as the two of you dance with each other. "hottest girl in the world." he mumbles into your ear, placing kisses below your earlobe. "hottest boyfriend in the world." you mutter back to him. "don't think i'll ever get over hearing you call me that." he states, smirking down at you before kissing your cheek. "i love you."

[futurewriter2000]

Distance

A/N: Yes, I am alive. Yes, I am writing... from today again. Lemme live okay, there has been a lot going on but I haven't forgotten about my fics. Lucky number request 7 was picked up. Anyways I loved writing this one. Very soothing.

REQUEST: Hello it’s me, do you think you could write a cute jealous Charlie or Meeks, like the reader goes to different school so they don’t have a lot of time together, so one day Charlie or Meeks sees them talking to a guy, and they get jealous.

PAIRING: Charlie Meeks x reader

XX

Year 1959 started off with an odd coldness in the air. Not only because of the winter, but because of all the pressure and the stress of your surroundings.

Exams of the first semester were coming up and your father had you under strict rules, you weren't really obliged to follow. You had no idea why your education was so important to him, as if he wasn't planning about to marry you off anyway.

You never had those hopes for yourself. Yes, you did like to stay at home alone- it was one of your favorite pass times but you had ambitions and dreams of your own. You believed you could achieve them, however with no support of your father, who basically carried the whole family- it was harder to achieve.

Yes, 1959 was cold. Cold and cruel because it made you realise that world isn't that much nice to women your age. You're obliged to act a certain way, play a certain role and be a certain person.

You went to your bed and covered your cold feet under the covers. You thought of your ginger boy. Your sweet Steven. If you could have seen your eyes, you'd see a mirror of glow. You've never thought you'd fall in love with a boy who was all ginger and freckles. You've never even thought about that being close to your type of man but he swooned you over.

The two of you met in one of the hotels during the summer and realised you live close by, only weak 20 minutes away from each other. It was a surprise because you never saw him in your town before but your father didn't much allow you to go out and meet boys.

You did though. That summer, you met this freckly sweet boy, who did nothing but charm you and make you laugh. You thought it was too perfect to be true but there was something in him. Something you couldn't pin down. When he took down those glasses and you could see his gorgeous brown eyes, sometimes just jumped in your stomach.

You've been in love- with him and only him. You could still think of when the two of you first held hands and kissed on the wet grassy field as it rained. It sounded like a fairytale- a movie. It just seemed to be too good to be true and you were afraid that you would jinx it sooner rather than later.

But you didn't have to jinx it, when your father was doing all the work. You haven't argued in a house as much as you did at this age. You've had built up anger, holding it inside over the years. Yet, you never wanted to go too far, not now... because in a way, your father frightened you.

Now that your mother was away, taking care of your ill aunt in another state, your father has gotten worse. Like a little child he drinks and smokes inside. You clean after him, you cook for him, you do his laundry, you- it's like taking care of a child and you felt more exhausted than ever. So exhausted, you haven't had the energy to fight him anymore.

So you endured and you missed the only person who would make you feel better.

Private school for boys... could it be any worse? Nine months of barely any contact. You felt like you were about to explode from all this pressure.

He was your safety net. He was the one to catch you, to soothe you, to take care of you when you were so emotional and not being able to even shower. You walked towards the window and looked out.

A big hole in your chest formed because you missed him so much. You wished you could talk to him. Just to talk. He makes everything feels so much better but how, when he is so far away and you are so far away?

---

Steven Meeks has been feeling similiar as you do, except that he simply adored you more than you could ever know. He always asked himself why him and you always told him why not him. Of course, he was still insecure about himself but that was always a great motivation to keep him prooving himself to you. When Knox told him that he is going to your school to talk to the girl he's been fancying, he knew it would be a great opportunity to surprise you.

However, he was somehow oblivious to the fact that there were other boys in the school with you. He walked in with your favorite chocolate candy in his hand, a box shaped as a heart- even though he knew it was cheesy, you always blushed and laughed at it. To him that was only one out of many sights he loved to see on you.

His colour drained when he saw a large, bulky man standing over you. His hand was leaning on the locker and he had one of those pearly white smirks. Unfortunately, he didn't see your face because he was behind you but it was the perfect opportunity to release the rage he has been holding the minute his eyes set on the two of you.

Something went off in his mind. Something he never thought he was capable of. i

He slammed his hand on the lockers behind you, making you jump a bit and turn around. The guy looked up and raised an eyebrow.

It took you a minute to gather yourself because you haven't expected somebody so similar to your boyfriend appear right next to you. You haven't even believed it until he started to speak.

Meeks' eyes narrowed, his lips thinned and his chest puffed out. "You lost?"

The guy threw his head back in shock. "What?"

"You deaf too?" Meeks continued. "I don't see a single reason why you should be talking to my girl?"

He let out a laugh and took a step forward but Meeks didn't even blink an eye. "Your girl? You? Where you from? Popsicleland?"

"At least my clothes fit, yours are about to tear any minute." he continued to glare at him and you could see the way this was only about to escalate if you wouldn't interfere.

You pushed them away and dragged Steven, barely, around the corner. He was still huffing and puffing but you didn't even care. You didn't care about his challenging male outburst or fragile male ego- you simply jumped into his arms and hugged him so tightly, you were about to burst.

His anger drained slowly into a realisation who was holding him so tightly. The smell of your parfume hit reduced the anger and he hugged you so tightly and as he did so, you started to sob into his arms.

"Shh... I'm here..." he started to caress your back with his hand but you felt this huge amount of release when he did that. When he pulled away to see your drained, grey face he immediately became worried.

He cupped your head into his hands and looked deeply into your eyes. "(Y/N), what's wrong? Why are you sad?" he whispered, his eyebrows furrowing worriedly.

"I just missed you so much." you hugged him back, leaning your head on his chest and squeezing him. He simply didn't know what to do except pressing your head against him and kissing the top.

Oh how he loved you. His heart was simply throbbing from the sadness and the love he had for you. Why were you sad? What did he miss? Why wasn't he here more than he is?

"I love you so much, (y/n)." he mumbld against your head and pulled away, cupping your head again. "I love you and I'm sorry I haven't been here for you. I'm so sorry."

You laughed, wiping the tears off your cheeks. "You're too perfect to be sorry." you smiled and put your hand on his cheeks. "I just love you too."

---

You told him- you told him how pressured you felt and he felt enraged as you continued your sad, pitiful story. He held you so close to him, tightening his grip around your waist, kissing the top of your head whenever your voice started to quiver.

But oh the warmth of him. The presence, soul and love of him. It soothed you like no other thing in this entire world. You didn't know what it was. Was it love? Distance? Longing? But oh how warm and loved you felt by this man.

"I am so sorry." he said.

"What are you sorry for?" you smiled, caressing the hand that held you so close.

"Sorry you had to go through this alone." he said and your smile faded. You leaned back on his chest as you watched your feet drag up the grass until your knees were bent. You laid them on his outstretched legs and he pulled you even closer up to him. "It's my last year there..." he said and looked down at you. You looked up and your eyes met.

You could always read him so well. "Meaning?"

"Meaning I'll get the job as soon as possible and I'll save up for a wedding and a house- even a dog if you want."

You started to laugh. "What about your dreams as a literature professor?" you sat up, serious this time and placing your hand on his cheek. "What about Knox and Charlie and Neil-"

"They're my friends but you're the person I want to spend my life with." his eyes softened. "I want to marry you."

You leaned your forehead on his and smiled. "That's a shame because I want to be married to a literature professor."

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 11/6/24-11/7/24

Wow. This has taken a lot to work up the energy to type, which is unfortunate. I was really enjoying getting into the nightly habit of coming here and unwinding with a bit of self-reflection, oversharing and cracking the occasional poorly worded joke. Yesterday was really a disruptive day, probably the most upsetting day of my life since 2020 and really an absolute low point. I'm feeling winded, exhausted, tired and diminished. Every negative adjective of self description could be applied to me in some regard, but I won't linger for too long on that. Just know that I am a lot worse off than I want to be at this moment, but I'm still trying my hardest to do better <3

My eyes are feeling heavy right now, so I'll type this as fast as my silly, sleepy fingers will let me. Yesterday was a blur. The last thing I did on election night was text my [REDACTED], Aaron, that I was going to bed. It was a bit of a lie, I stayed up for another 15 minutes refreshing the election results and being disappointed by what I saw, then I turned on a soundcloud recording of a YouTube documentary about the andromeda galaxy. I think that Aaron slept to Game Grumps that night, but I can't remember precisely. I woke up only 5 hours later and... I'll admit it, I cried at what I saw online. At the pain I saw entering queer spaces, at the fear that immigrants - citizen or otherwise - were feeling online, the economic and social uncertainty that was entering the collective consciousness. I felt afraid, too. I called off school, sent out some hastily written emails to my professors apologizing but not quite feeling bad about my decision to skip yesterday. I feel like given the breakup, the election and every other tiny thing going wrong in life rn I deserve to skip college if even for a day. So I did that.

I was gonna have to skip a couple of my classes anyway, I had a house tour at noon that I was actually super excited for! And by house tour I mean shitty apartment tour because I am still a college kid and like who tf is out here renting/buying a home in 2024. So I got to the apartment complex and immediately there are some red flags. Firstly it was on a giant ass hill, genuinely a mile long hill ironically named Straight Street when that homie was angular as hell. The actual parking lot of the property was ALSO a hill, a poorly paved one that I almost scraped the bottom of my car driving through. The property itself looked fine from the outside, but there were more red flags as I entered. The shared hallway was reeking of reggie and cigs, there was trash on the floor and the shared laundry facility had mold on one wall. Inside the actual studio unit I started by looking in the bathroom, where I immediately found a dead roach. I asked the property manager "have y'all had any bug issues here" and he lied, then got all flustered when I pointed out the roach. Then I lift the toilet lid... why was there another dead roach in the goddamn toilet water.

I left after that.

From there I decided to go on a long drive. I drove for 45 minutes around the city, parking every once in a while to answer texts and calm myself down. The city was pretty at least, with a gentle breeze and cool weather coming in as the day aged. I ended up in my childhood neighborhood and... I decided it was time to visit my family. I haven't seen anyone I'm related to other than my grandma for about six months until yesterday. I wanted to see my little brother more than anything else, but he didn't get off work until three so I decided to text the Aaron Bnuuy for a bit and start walking the neighborhood. I passed a park that me and my former best friend Sarah used to talk at for hours, and decided right in that moment to text her for the first time in two years. She answered and we're making plans already! We'll meet up sometime later this month for dinner and catching up. But I just wandered the streets, taking in sights and breathing the air.

Calming down. I went to the thrift store and bought nothing, then to Walmart to get myself an instant camera. The bnuuy doesn't know this yet but when I send them their christmas present I'll probably include a couple of polaroids of my cats, stuff I think is pretty around town and maybe a selfie too. I haven't taken the pictures yet, but it'll be nice to give them photos. After walmart I drove to my friend Dylans job and said hi, I also hadn't seen him for six months and... I sorta invited him to hang out that night. The way it worked out, I picked up Dylan, my little brother Cj, and his girlfriend too. We all ended up at my dads house where my older sister lives, and we drank apple cider and listened to Sleep Token, Ghost, Dido, Rufus Wainwrights Hallelujah cover and so much more until I had to leave. It was probably the best way I could've spent a very bad day otherwise.

Today has been a little worse than yesterday honestly. It's got all of the same hopelessness about politics, hopefulness but pain about my relationship, but none of the productivity. Work went well actually, all of my coworkers have actually been treating me a lot better these days ... but one coworker made a joke that really upset me. Luckily it's not someone I work with every day, but they joked about immigrants getting deported. The loml was literally born elsewhere, I do NOT play about that shit so I yelled at them and got myself in trouble by doing it.

There's surely a lot more thats gone on today, without a doubt there is but ... this is so much and I doubt anyone will take the time to read it all. I'm gonna get back in the habit of daily journaling after my workout sessions tomorrow.

I have an archaeology presentation tomorrow at school, wish me luck! I love you Tumblr, goodbye everyone! <3

[ghostofasecretary]

trying to do something more than void screaming and uh. not going great

but since i haven't actually screamed:

wow, dude, it is becoming increasingly clear to me how much of the last two years i've spent not having emotions around all the vaguely shitty (and some tremendously shitty) things that've happened in my life!! and now that i'm thinking about moving, it's. like. oh right i used to have a wider range of emotions. i used to get mad because i wanted my life to be better and felt that it was possible. i was not actually always chill about things. my chill is mostly a response to crushing anxiety and misery actually!

and i'm, like. i was horrifically lonely for the first 8 months after moving back in with my parents in May 2022 and then it subsided until the last time a friend came to visit in January 24, which was lovely and then i cried for a few hours and felt like my chest was ripped open and i called another friend and sobbed until i was functional again

(i also cried on the way home from a vacation spent visiting friends but it was a bit easier to box that up again)

how much of my life has just been getting to function under a deep layer of unhappiness!!

and like, i'm not gonna knock getting to function. i fully did not have enough energy to do anything from, like, February to May 23. and i had very little energy after that, though more! and i worked from May to a few days ago, which i did because i found even more energy. but it was terrifying to be so knocked out i couldn't apply for jobs or think about the future or my finances, and that went on realistically for like 8+ months, and that makes me want to cry but. well. that's life. and i did get my accounting back on track and i took a class and i figured out some food stuff and i, y'know. was alive?

but i want to be happy. i want my life to be good. i don't want to spend years being miserable--i say, as if i don't dream about getting a PhD, y'know, The Process Where You're Miserable For 5-7 Years And Then Your Future Is Still Horribly Uncertain (but also you get to be super nerdy so. points!?)--and i don't want to have feelings about the past! i've had PTSD twice, surely that's enough rumination for anyone!

and i know it doesn't work like that. i know. it's okay to have feelings and it's okay for things to not work out.

but my growing awareness of, Oh Right, Used To Be Different, Used To Feel Less Resignation has mostly been coupled with, like, more anxiety and way less getting things done. and i would like to get things done and be less anxious! rude that that isn't happening!!

i dunno. i don't think i'm necessarily thinking clearly about any of this or drawing accurate conclusions, i just. needed to make some words about the storm i'm feeling

tomorrow i have three tasks and some bonus ones. tonight i can maybe get a head start on some of them or work on some little ones and that'll be good for me.

i'll be fine. i may also, like, scream for a good long while and be tremendously upset and have a bunch of "hahaha wow living with my rapey ex the first time i ever lived in a city sure was something, surely this will have no impact on me" feelings! but i'll also do laundry. so who is the real winner.

[mischas]

i'm 35 and the oc has been my entire life as a teenager/young adult and i love this show so much. i was wondering when you became a fan and what does your life look like now? do you still rewatch it a lot? what are your least favorite plotlines in s1-s4? i love hearing your thoughts. take care :)

Hi! You're very sweet, thank you! So just as a heads up my answers here are going to veer into the negative because I'm in a super negative space with the show as of late and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I apologize in advance for the soapbox. (and I mean really really negative)

For starters, I never watch the final season. I barely even watch s3, and haven't seen a complete s3 episode in a while. Certain scenes, though, yes and on a loop. Though not lately. But the final season doesn't exist to me because I find it repulsive and a stain on the entire show before it, even the horrendous third season. I often wish I could be like Adam Brody and separate the show into 's1 vs the other bullshit'. Believe me, I'm trying. Though I'd say splitting the show in half is best since you get to end on the shooting. S1 is on another level entirely and it wasn't until CHD that I understood why (for the most part). And that's a really terrible realization the more I think about it.

I'm almost 30 and I started watching when I was about 16 in high school. My life now is... not very exciting, lol. I work too much. Sometimes I don't work enough. I struggle with mental health (as evidenced by how seriously I take this stuff). I got into this show maybe a year or two after it had been off the air and Tumblr (and FanForum) was a super fun place to be at that time (2009/2010ish). The remaining Marissa fandom in particular was just cozy and sweet. We saw ourselves in her, had head canons, made fan art, discussed what she'd be up to, etc. I obviously wasn't part of the OG Marissa/Mischa fandom so I was pretty unaware of the shit they dealt with. On Tumblr we just celebrated her and it meant a lot to me.

For years, I, like many, thought Mischa chose to leave on her own. I could semi-stomach 325 as an arc, while still refusing to watch the next season in rewatches. This is the 2010s when JS was yelling "Tragedy was in her DNA" etc. But ever since MB started talking more about her experiences in 2021, and the podcast talking around her and Marissa forever, not to mention their shitty responses to her claims of bullying by men in power, I have been on a downward trajectory with it. The book is giving us maybe 10% of what really happened on that set. Mischa has been carrying the secret of her first relationship on her shoulders for 20 years, one that went on for months when she was 17 years old, and they all well fucking know that. I am in genuine disbelief at how they treated her then and how they treat her now. This isn't a fictional character. This is a real fucking person they keep screwing over!

But that does bring me to my next point which is that this show was unbelievably influenced by irl dynamics and I think that is disgusting. It's not just stealing Death Cab away from Adam (though I have my own thoughts on all that). There's a reason Ryan never pines for Marissa in the same way she pines for him in s2. Why he pretends she doesn't exist when he isn't dating her (from s2 on). There's an extremely charged energy to the way he verbally abuses her in 209. Like... this happened to MB at just 18. And look at how they modeled Volchok after Cisco and how they made MB pretend to do coke on camera when they knew full well she had a sober coach on set. Like, I know enough to put me off the show forever, but I am unfortunately endlessly fascinated by it. I'm sorry that I can't take the show at face value anymore, because it did and does still mean a great deal to me. But they thought they were in the clear 20 years later to only partially air their dirty laundry without much pushback and MB had the guts to say "well hold on" and be a thousand times more graceful doing so than I ever would. And we still don't know even a fraction of everything else that went down to this very real teenage girl they used and abused. Not to mention how JS/SS abruptly fired her and didn't even have the balls to tell her to her face. Her father told Josh's ass to stay away from the 325 set and he DID. Christ alive, this man should never work again.

I don't feel great about going all guns blazing here but I'm very tired and I get very little joy from the show right now. And I'm sorry that this is definitely not the response you were probably hoping for. To be clear, I want to enjoy the show. It means more to me than any other, probably. It's why I've been on this website since I was a teenager. But many aspects of it have been ruined for me and idk if there's a way back. How they purport themselves to be a family show still to this day when they treated the girl that they pursued for the job (at 16!) like shit is egregious. I will never be over it.

Sigh

To answer your actual questions, my least favorite plotlines (from s1-s3) are:

Johnny

Jimmy leaving in 207

Dean Hess

DJ

Julie/Luke

Lindsay/Caleb/Ryan

Charlotte

Hospital/Newport Group

Seth/pot (on paper this sounds wonderful but in execution it is as lifeless as the second half of the entire show)

Oliver (for good measure, officially when they jump the shark; he drives me crazy but TH does such a good job playing him that I'm ok with it until all of its aftermath is unfairly put on Marissa)

[selflovewarrior]

hey sweeties!

a new update on the life of Soetkin:

so a couple of weeks after my last post(s) i started a treatment program of three group therapy days a week. it was at a local general hospital, so no specialised program i suppose. while my expectations weren't very high and i saw it more as a tool to not sink deeper into depression and anxiety while i waited out till it would be my turn on the waiting list for the program i actually thought would help me, i quit this program halfway though my planned time there. i felt a lot worse during therapy as it progressed than i did at home. i looked so forward to it being over because i was extremely anxious and felt like i was killing myself on the inside when i was there. home was my safe space, the total opposite of how therapy felt for me. and believe me i know that it's kind of expected that you'll feel worse for a bit during intense therapy since you start opening up and stop running away from what you feel and think. so i quite suddenly quit.

(since this post ended up becoming what resembles a whole novel, i'm going to cut in here so people who don't care don't have to scroll through it ;) anyway it's not all bad if you want to read on, it actualy quite hopeful, the start just isn't very much so.)

i had a plan to pick up some creative activities at facilities for disabled folks, which i have got a government recognition for. i found a place i could start at fairly quickly, i haven't gone very often yet, but all in all i felt such intense relief when i didn't have to go to group therapy there anymore.

i'm still overly anxious and get very (extremely) easily overwhelmed by everything in this world: sounds, proximity, weather. but i am not as deeply depressed anymore. i'm actually feeling more like my regular self in that regard.

i can start the pre-program i've been waiting for since november in two weeks (and the full program one month later) and i'm so very hopeful for the future. i'm not where i used to be yet, but i'll get there, i'll get beyond there. I've already learned more about myself these past 8-9 months, things i never really considered or took seriously. while it still feels strange to say i most probably also have adhd (i got my autism diagnosis as a kid). a lot of the stuff i also struggle with seems to always have something to do with dopamine. i also probably have DCD (i still find it out they didn't look into this when i was in residential treatment when i got my autism diagnosis, but they still mentioned me randomly walking into doorframes and stuff instead of through the doorframes). i'm learning to give myself more time regarding my DCD when doing stuff that's hard(er) for me. even stuff like taking the laundry out of the machine etc. or walking up or down stairs. i'm starting to stop caring about other people being faster. the recognition of that DCD element for myself is a huge thing towards self-acceptance. i now also realise my brand of neurodivergence comes with rejection sensitive dysphoria, which explains SO FUCKING MUCH OMG.

this bout of urgent mental health issues also came with more physical issues than i've ever experienced before. which felt odd, and mostly unexpected. i've had more visits to a physiotherapist than the rest of my life combined these past few months. i also struggled with eating, but not ED wise this time, that part of me is actually doing quite well this time, which is also unexpected but yay. i mostly didn't have the energy to lift my fork and everything tasted meh. but that part is also a lot better now, still happens sometimes, but it's far better now. (i also lost a lot of hair because of it, which is growing back now, so i have plucks of toddler hair in my face all the time, and let me tell you toddler hair is a lot more annoying than baby hairs, they're too short to go anywhere, and too long to not be an annoyance). my last post also came as i was only just healed from what could've been covid, or something similar. but the worst infection i've had since 2020 (and i have had it several times). I always got booster shots (since i worked at a hospital) and never was very inconvenienced, let alone for over a week. but my symptoms now started on new year's day (yay me) and lasted for about a month and they were unpleasant and painful. i guess i partially ought to thank the booster shots in the past for not getting that ill, but i also think i kinda blew my immune system over by not eating properly.

anyway, so here we are. my husband who's a teacher in upper secondary school has started his summer holidays, he's actually had a rather nice last month of the school year since his pupils' finals were evenly spread out for him so he didn't have to rush correcting them.

we're also in a very good place now. i'm so happy and grateful this guy is my husband, that i can call him mine, that we're us. he's also started therapy for his OCD, and while he was terrified he's doing so well, i'm really impressed (a bit scared too though that he might be taking on a bit too much at once in therapy). we're building a sturdy base for our future together (with hopefully a kid at some point sooner rather than later). He's feeling more sad about having to postpone our starting a family plans due to all of this, but we also both see this as a huge opportunity to become even better parents. and in a way we're quite lucky this all happened before i got pregnant and not during or after. not to say it can't or won't happen again, but then we'll be even more prepared to take on this challenge again than we were / are now.

anyway: i still have a long and scary road ahead of me, but i'm not at the start anymore, i've already been hiking for a bit and i'm hopeful about seeing the sun rise beautifully overhead once more.

i also really really really want to reblog stuff for this blog again, and more frequently. i am however still struggling with energy, spoons are often very depleted. i even have a very hard time editing my own pictures and it's not like i've taken many these past 10 months. i've also had people i know irl reach out to me because i'm so absent on all social media and that's very unlike me. and them asking me about it, gives me the feeling that i actually do might belong here and with those people and that people actually care and that i'm missed. and that's a bewildering but amazingly heart warming feeling, that's kind of new to me.

hope to be back sooner next time!

thank you guys so so much for sticking with me, for reblogging my old posts, for sharing positivity on this website and hopefully to people you think need it, including yourself! thank you to all new followers, you're seen! you're loved! you're appreciated!

x Soetkin

[papermonkeyism]

For the new year, I wish I'll get to hang out with people again.

This past year has been, frankly, pretty miserable, specially since early summer-ish when my DnD group went on a months long break. Wasn't the first one, nor the last one, but definetely the worst one. Don't really have other friends locally, aside from one old school mate.

Honestly it's been pretty bad ever since the start of the pandemic when we stopped hanging out outside of DnD sessions and my fave coffee places closed down along with couple of my fave restaurants, and I just... Stopped having a social life, but now it's so much worse. As said, I have one (1) friend outside of the group I sometimes go shopping with, and one of my DnD buddies hangs out with me maybe once a week to borrow my laundry machine for couple hours, and they are probably the only reasons I haven't broken completely so far.

But neither of them are storytelling people the same way I am, so I'm kinda holding back when we hang out, as I can't really go all in with my special interests on them.

Downsides of being socially awkward introvert.

The summer break from roleplaying was a trigger for anxiety and maybe the worst creative block of my life so far. As someone who basically thinks with a sketchbook it was pretty fucking stressful not being able to draw anything for several months!

I crave creation and storytelling, but my brain is made of goo. Like imagine if someone came and asked you to pick a water from a pool and hand it to them? But it's liquid! Can I get a cup or something, but they just scoff. You got hands, right, just pick one up and hand it over. So I'm just left trying to scoop handfuls of wet and grabbing nothing. Kinda how it feels.

Started marathoning Crit Role to distract myself from the worst of it and to have at least some kind of creative energy in my life, and consumed what must be over half a thousand hours of role playing. At least that was fun!

And when nights started stretching and seasonal depression started to creep into my already not-doing-good brain I started my routine of evening walks because at some point I was legitimately going stir crazy enough to explode otherwise.

It's also been my first full year of joblessness in a long while. I was already having hard time by the end of last year, because my brain has difficulty handling full time jobs for long stretches of time, and ten months in a row not being able to recharge was starting to weight on me, so I had made a plan to get my brain sorted out with the ADHD diagnosis and hopefully medication before applying for jobs again, but turns out the process took the entire year, and then some, and I still don't have the meds yet. I have been given the thumbs up on them, but turns out me stressing for the better part of a year has triggered blood pressure problems (runs in my family, so honestly probably just a matter of time, but it's still very inconvenient to happen right now), so I have to sort that out first before it's safe to try stimulant medication.

And then there was the death in the family and a close friend's cancer diagnosis (fingers crossed!) and I just haven't had a great time, you know.

January's going to go into medical stuff in the hope of getting the ADHD meds, so maybe I could one day grab those thoughts again. The unemployment office is also pestering me again, so we'll see how that'll go.

I think I'll see if I can make myself a regular at the new cat cafe in town. Cats make everything better. Also looking forwards to actualizing a tattoo plan or two! Springtime is coming too, eager to continue my evening walk routine with returning sunlight. And I really, really, really need to create something again.

So here's for what I sincerely hope to be a better year than this past one! Cheers.

[rahullkohli]

Hi, Annika. I just saw your last post and I wanted to check in and see if you're doing okay. I am sending you my best.

jesus christ this is two months old, i am so sorry. thank you so much for checking in on me, it's honestly so nice to log in to see. i appreciate it so much. i'll just put explanation under a cut because it's all just a lot. you don't have to read, but at least i can use it to dump my brain for what's been going on, because i don't have anyone to talk to about it.

but ily for caring about me, i truly was scared to log in and find that no one had noticed i was gone and that people just forgot i existed.

so basically, my dad was in the hospital with a blood clot in his eye at the beginning of december, which fucked up his sight a lot. and everything was just so heavy with christmas being the worst time of the year for me, and then on top of that last year was absolute hell for me so i just fell heavy into the depression.

then on january 4th or sth my dad had another blood clot in the brain, which brings us to the ninth blood clot in his brain in about two years. this time around was the worst hit so far, and he now needs so much help. so i'm basically his primary caregiver again. he has a nurse that comes a couple times a week, and social health workers coming every day to make sure he eats, do some cleaning, help with stuff like laundry and such, which is a huge relief. but there's still so many other things he can't help with, and that all falls on me. like going to his hospital appointments with him because his memory and eyes are basically worthless at this point.

on top of that my depression is just getting worse and worse. except for when i go to help my dad, i don't see anyone socially. my dad never asks me about how i'm doing, how my life is, or anything like that, neither does the rest of my family. i only hear from them when they ask about our dad. so i am more or less just a tool for them.

and tumblr just started feeling like such a negative place. most of what i saw was people telling others what they were allowed to like and not like, and if you didn't adhere to those rules you were told you were a monster. and most stuff i saw on my dash seemed to be new things i didn't have the energy to engage with (i still haven't watched wednesday even though i was so excited for it). and it was a lot of all the bad crap happening in the world, and tumblr didn't feel like an escape any longer, it just felt like it was amplifying my depression, and speaking into the catastrophe thinking side of my OCD and anxiety, and it made my intrusive thoughts hit a level i honestly haven't experienced before, and i was genuinely afraid of myself.

and i'm just exhausted. the past three months i have been in bed when i haven't been doing stuff for my dad. the only thing i have for myself to keep me sane atm is running twice a week, yoga once a week, and song lessons once a week. the support person i got switched to after my old one quit is on sick leave now, so i have a temp, but i can't really talk to her because all of my shit is just such a heavy baggage and i don't know where to start, especially since i'm hopefully only seeing her for another month.

i'm just tired. if i didn't have cas to take care of, i think i would have asked my doctors about options for psychiatric hospitals for a while. i feel like a zombie most of the time, and i only keep going because there's not really any other alternative. so i guess that's that.

at least i was able to work things out with my vet bill, and i'll be paying the last installment next month, and cas is strong and healthy as if nothing happened.

also, i'm using pedro pascal to cope.so that too.

[someoneinjersey]

blathers

i had a much more conservatively sized cup of iced coffee today (and not on an empty stomach) so fingers crossed I don't have an intense caffeine sickness like I did yesterday. Yesterday was rouuuuugh. All because of coffee, sigh.

But I did eat a banana and it gave me a tummy ache, which very ripe bananas sometimes do, and it was, so I think I have a food sensitivity to both mushrooms AND bananas. Sad because both are absolutely delicious.

I've let the kitchen get into A State again and the laundry is Backed Up again so I'm feeling kinda bad about that but also feeling too low energy (even with the caffeine????) to do anything. My planner is set up for February though and that feels really good. That's my new big creative endeavor -- setting up my planner and its monthly spreads. I need to collage more again but I've been finding that harder to do. Probably because I have SO many supplies and my journal is bursting at the seams with a lot of pages still left so it becomes hard to do.

I've left social media (as in deactivated my accounts completely) with the exception of here ... and Pinterest because suddenly I'm into amassing pretty pictures ... and uh. Nobody's noticed. Which feels shitty but also I think it's good for me to be away from FB and IG (my Twitter was deactivated in like 2021 or something). My closest friend from home hasn't answered a text from me since early December. Feeling a little paranoid and bummed out about that.

Reading Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune right now, trying to take it slow, one chapter at a time, because my goal is to read every day but if I get too voracious I run out of books. Spent $40 of my budget unplanned at the start of the month by buying three books from Walmart.

Trying to take a walk every week but the weather has been SO wacky and I've been so low energy that I think I managed to take a grand total of two since the new year. One was at the local lake and that was way longer than I thought it'd be, and the other was just up and down my mountain as usual but some freaky shit happened that weirded me out and made me buy pepper spray for all my walks from now on, so I'm also hesitant now to go hoofin' around by myself. I haven't been afraid of going anywhere by myself in decades ... I'm still not bothered about going into town or anything by myself or at night, but up on the mountain alone where there are no houses and barely any cars drive past? After that incident, nuh-uh. Though my NJ Scorpio nature does make me ready to be like EAT MACE, CUNTS if anyone tries anything.

In any case. I'm lonely. I love being with my best friend all the time and our fur babies but it does suck to not have anyone else to talk to (except my mom who typically just triggers a bad mood). I feel like a teenager again; left out, ignored, uninvited. But that's why it's so important for me to be off social media and trying to read and do creative things, as well as get the house back on track.

[journeytoasoberlife]

Day 5.

Today I've had many thoughts around my emotional stability and when I'll be able to see it plateau. Having a cluster b personality disorder will blur those lines, but that's something I've come to recognize. I'm unsure of the sober side of that, making it uncharted territory for me, which is harder to navigate.

I woke up this morning and continued doing laundry, I filed my weekly unemployment, applied for more jobs and tried to keep busy. I had to remind myself that I'm not a failure with this, the last two jobs I've had I was treated very poorly and got the shit end of the stick in the worst way. Where I normally filled my morning with mimosas or a seltzer, I'm drinking more coffee, which should be water but whatever. I am using nicotine to fill those gaps, which I'm currently fine with.

I hung out with my friend Alex today, she's 8 months sober. Before her sobriety we would drink the entire time we were together. It was a nice change of pace and I'm so proud of her journey. I too will be there one day. We got pizza and I learned that I am not a fan of basil in mocktails, I mean seriously, who thought of that?

My hiking boots will be here tomorrow and I'll spend some of my day breaking them in. I'm also meeting with another friend that I've recently reconnected with.

It's currently 11:52 pm and I know I won't be able to sleep for a while. Not going to bed high or tipsy is something I'm still struggling with. During the peak of my alcoholism I wasn't really sleeping, though that also was work related. I would maybe get 3-4 hours if I was lucky, waking up every ~2 hours almost like clockwork.

My emotions took a shit on me tonight, too. By that time I would've easily been on my 3-4 cider and would either be ignoring my emotions or in a full blown breakdown. I think writing these every night gives me the outlet I didn't know I needed or willingly ignored if I'm being honest.

I've been trying to eat more regularly but I haven't been putting as much energy into it as I should. T and I would get breakfast every morning and that was a nice shift for me. I know I won't be able to go to one of my favorite spots for a bit because I always drank there, but I do make good breakfast when I put some effort in. I really need to go shopping but I keep ignoring it. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'll also have to get another Elf Bar, the one I bought while T and I were out is killer on my throat and I know my good one will go bad soon, my novo could work if it dies and but that doesn't have nearly enough nicotine in it.

Things are adding up and I'm nervous about the weeks ahead. Will is coming home soon and my life will shift again, and I'm unsure how I'll be able to navigate that as well. He drinks a lot and while he was more than supportive, I'm worried about it.

I keep having to remind myself that I pulled out of this once before, and that was way worse than this time around. I spent the better half of 2019 drunk in a bar alone, waking up the next morning wondering how I was even able to drive home. That was the 5 year anniversary of my moms death and I couldn't shake it. I was living alone, having broken up with my partner, spiraling and wanting to die. I don't want to be in that place again, ever.

I'm worried that people will find me to be a liability, and in turn won't want to be in my life. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about something like that but there's people I never want to lose, even if the road gets rocky. I'm trying to be enough for myself, which I've never attempted before and quite frankly, I'm scared. I always made the joke that I was rawdogging life because I'm not medicated for my depression and anxiety, but now I'm really doing it and that's scary too.

I'm hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Hopefully I can find it.

Anyway, goodnight tumblr.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Little gremlin update October 10th 2024

Do I have another one of these buried in my drafts from before I got sick? Who knows!

We are very solidly into "If I didn't know I was just barely recovered I wouldn't know something was up" territory. I am having some pain in my wrist but that probably will resolve shortly if i just eat enough calcium.

I got caught up on my dishes. I had been keeping them stacked and dry and turned over so no water could collect in them in one sink so they didn't get super gross when I stopped doing them daily. I want to get back to doing them every other day or so now that I can move my hands.

The laundry I was already caught up on and am currently at 95% done if I ignore wanting to wash my bedding again soon.

The floors have been mostly cleared off, today I will sweep and maybe decide to scrub them.

So all in all at least I didn't fall too far behind on chores. Somehow, despite being physically incapacitated for over a month.

I'm still not looking forward to big shopping trips through this month and next month to get stocked up for winter. I was supposed to get a month of rest before doing that and being that sick did not feel much like rest.

Still, once I am packed in here with food, I can just chill for 6-8 months undisturbed and focus on the downsizing and some sewing projects. My hope is that everything I am still going to donate will be in one pile by spring and I can get it all gone.

I know I must be feeling better because I just spontaneously made myself a chocolate cake and bothered with icing. It's baking.

Might end up spending less time on tumblr again over the winter. It's never good for me to get off tumblr entirely because it's pretty much* my only social contact and only window into the world, due to disabilities the plague and other social media being worse... But like... I am starting to think that when tumblr is your ONLY real source of socialization, that amplifies the aspects of it that can be really toxic... So maybe -definitely- refocusing on things that aren't social media or consuming media again now that I have some energy back will be good for me.

No word on whether fall groceries will floor my ass again though. Gotta watch out for those 2-300 lb of groceries at a time they will fuck you up. And about now it'll cost almost 500 per trip I am assuming.

I want to get a prepaid credit card or two also before I seal myself in so I can order things to my door over winter if I need to. I haven't needed to on previous years, I have always planned for enough, but why not take the precaution if you can?

I am still very tired of living in the "for now" state my life has been left in that I was sick of before I got sick over the past couple months. Going offline entirely has always just been bad for me, actually, but being online has become this disheartening experience overall and I kind of think it would be good for me to spend more time physically present in my apartment... Also just on the computer but not online to do things like writing more again.

Point being, if you see me a lot it is because I have untreatable adhd and maybe am not feeling so well, and if you don't see a ton of me... don't worry.

It feels like October in the air. I like that. I don't like that I have to spend more time concerned with getting supplies than I can probably spare to just enjoying it. Next year I'll do everything ahead of time this time for realsies.

[anonymousandsick]

List of things that I've done as someone with depression, general and social anxiety, and autism (TW for basically everything):

-Stalked my friends social media accounts to see who they were being tagged by and how often they hung out without me or were online without answering

-Bought and made a lot of different things for people because I thought they were going to leave me

-Missed a lot of work and school due to severe nausea, headaches, and lack of motivation

-Sometimes take hot/freezing showers that are painful

-Gave myself several piercings as a form of socially acceptable self harm (this is not automatically self harm, but that was my intention when doing it)

-Worked on something I was hyperfixated on until I threw up from hunger

-Used to not brush my hair for months and just wear it up and cry when I had to eventually brush it (when I was a child and had long hair)

-Cried or yelled while trying on uncomfortable clothes

-Went about two months without showering

-Went about two months without changing clothes

-Didn't eat anything but snacks for over a week several different times because I didn't have the energy to make anything

-Didn't eat anything for days because I felt so sick

-Threw up from anxiety several times

-Didn't leave the house for months and stayed in my room unless I had to go to the bathroom or grab food to take back with me

-Had several visible panic attacks in public

-Went (actually) nonverbal at several places like arcades and other loud places

-Dissociate at most public places (I remember things but everything gets fuzzy and it's hard to describe)

-Hit myself in the head because of Emotions (didn't matter if they were positive or negative)

-Laughed at very inappropriate times- especially when something was upsetting

-Started arguments because I didn't understand that the person wasn't being serious/misinterpreted tone

-Got people mad at me for talking about the same things too much

-Spent way too much money on things I liked multiple times

-Sleep either all day or not at all

-Had trash pile up in my room

-Got ants from this

-Almost cry any time I do something wrong or get criticized

-Haven't learned how to drive

-Cried and hit myself out of frustration over sensory issues and also over losing something I really cared about for five minutes

-Never try anything new

-Insanely picky

-Pick at my skin all the time

-Would probably be described by people as childish and immature even though I used to be considered mature for my age as a child

-Permanent burnout and art block

-Have gone weeks without shaving my face even though it looks really bad

-Talk too loud or quiet a lot of the time

-Used to be very bad at being discreet and masking

-Thinking about the way I used to act and all the cues I missed and different things I misinterpreted makes me feel sick and now I constantly think about it and what I'm supposed to be behaving like

-I still don't understand most social rules

-I can't make any decisions and it has ruined my life

-Memory has gotten very bad

-Got confused about whether something was a thought, dream, memory, or recent event a concerning amount of times

-Frequently lose track of time, sequence of events, and relativety of things

-Can't talk whenever I think about telling someone that something's wrong

-Feel incapable of sharing or expressing certain feelings and thoughts

-Frequently feel like I can't talk and only make humming noises in response to things

-Procrastinate most things regardless of whether I want to do them or not

-Constantly think about what other people are thinking and avoid being perceived while also being depressed that I'll never amount to anything and I'll die a nobody

-Ran out of clean underwear and flipped them inside out because I couldn't get myself to do laundry

-Watched a TV show I was hyperfixated on until my ears started ringing and I felt like I was going to pass out from not sleeping

-Didn't brush my teeth until they became uncomfortable (somehow didn't get a cavity??)

-Purposefully sought out sensory things that are painful to me as a form of self harm

-Get tunnel vision any time someone I don't know talks to me or when expected to do something (answer a question, do a task, whatever)

-Had sensory issues completely ruin multiple different experiences that would've otherwise been great

-Constantly experience such bad chest pain and anxiety that it feels like a heart condition

-Get frequent pain in my jaw, shoulders, and back from tensing

-Sought out validation from the wrong people/doing the wrong things multiple times

-Lied to people to get out of doing things or going places

-Made jokes that went too far/hurt people's feelings without realizing until much later

-Have a hard time apologizing to people (this is something that I NEED to work on, I understand)

-Used to literally hide in my closet

-I have trauma dumped on people without thinking about the consequences or how it would affect them

-I have had one-sided conversations where I overtook, talking about my hyperfixations and not realizing that I wasn't letting them talk

-I have reached out to people after months of ghosting them due to guilt, not realizing that doing so would actually just make it worse for them

-Got told multiple times that I'm rude and sound like a robot and still don't understand how

-Didn't go to college even though it's what I've always wanted to do

-Cried out of frustration for people not understanding me multiple times

-Overshared with multiple people because I didn't understand boundaries or appropriate topics until way later than most people (I still get it wrong sometimes)

-Spend most of my time being unproductive and just consuming whatever content I am hyperfixated on, fantasizing about being a part of it, etc.

-Lost my job

-Ghosted my therapist

-Almost threw up washing dishes

-Didn't change my sheets for six months

-Didn't do any laundry besides underwear for almost a year

-Ran out of room for anything because I collected too many things

-Cried in public multiple times

-Ruined multiple different relationships by not communicating enough

-Basically ghosted multiple people

-Broke up with several people after severe depressive episodes and not communicating or reciprocating any affection (not an excuse)

-Acted "weird" in a way that annoyed people, got me bullied, and made them dislike me

-Looked through different things on the Internet to make myself feel bad (stuff about death, mental illness, bigotry, etc)

-Had imaginary friends when I was younger whose sole purpose was to ridicule me and make me feel bad about myself 

-Had imaginary friends who were just characters from things that I liked and I had a lot of conversations with them when I was past the age that people usually do that

-Avoided my friends for weeks and sat alone at school

-Made a lot of concerning jokes that I regret making because it just made people feel bad

-Clung to multiple different friendships that weren't good for me because I didn't have any other friends

-Missed when people I knew were being fake friendly and was called the gullible friend

-Gave up on most things that I wanted to do

-Gave up on anything I wasn't immediately good at

-Missed most opportunities in my life

-Became full of regret and gave up on life as a teenager

-Was terrified of becoming homeless due to an inability to work and keep a job by the time I was in high school

-Was terrified of living through different life transitions by the time I was in middle school to the point where I hoped I'd die before they happened

-Thought I was going insane multiple times

-Became restless for no reason and felt like I was going to explode but had no way of making it go away

-Thought I needed to go to a mental hospital multiple times

-Thought about doing drugs and drinking frequently

-Fantasized about different ways to die

-Made myself throw up a few times

-Gave myself bruises

-Almost broke a bone by hitting it repeatedly (including one time when I had to use crutches)

-Gave myself hundreds of scars in several different places

-Painted with my blood because I thought it was funny in a very morbid and fucked up way

-Tried to kill myself multiple different times

Before you comment something stupid like "ew doing x is gross/bad" just know that I am aware and that is kind of the point of the post.

[acepandemi]

Yeah, the new meds are definitely working, hurray!

Seriously, it feels sooooo gooooooood to be able to focus again! I couldn't even read anymore! My favorite hobby! Just couldn't focus on a book or fic for longer than a few sentences, ugh!

But I've been taking the new meds for six days now and finally was able to finish one of the library books I checked out over a month ago (don't worry, I extended the loan), just in time before I have to return it. Guess I'll have to try some other time with the other two.

I'm also sleeping better, and haven't had the random urge to aimlessly wander around the house for days (seriously, what was up with that? Did I use to do that before the meds? I can't remember).

It's like I'm emerging from a fog into a clear day... which unfortunately also means that I can now clearly see everything that's been piling up in the last three months. I should probably deal with that.

(Tbh, the only to-do list I actually want to tackle is my to-be-read pile. I bought a new novel about a hypersenstive PI that I haven't even been able to start, and there are soooo many new fics or new chapters out by my fave fanfic authors that I wasn't able to read because of lack of focus and mental energy. I want to dive right in, but I should prooobably do something about the dishes first, right? And the laundry. And the other chores. And the paperwork. And I still need to go to the dentist, yay!)

Energy is unfortunately completely down the drain, because, as is usual for me, after all the stress I have "crashed" as I like to call it. And what little energy I have is going towards helping out Aunty for the moment. Although, she said she didn't want to see me for two days so I could get a bit of rest, so maybe I'll be able to get something done tomorrow? Not doing anything today if I can help it. I need to recharge the battery at least a little.

My therapist once told me I needed to categorize activities as "energy-draining", "energy-neutral", and "energy-giving", and find a balance. The problem is that for me, almost everything is energy-draining, and absolutely nothing is energy-giving. I've tried loads of things, but while there are some activities that are energy-neutral (re-reading or re-watching something I love, playing The Sims [though not for too long]) I've never found any activity that actually gives me more energy. So recharging is actually rather difficult, because I have to stick to energy-neutral activities while my energy slooooooowly builds up again. I I still never manage to get anywhere near the level other people seem to have.

So, for today it's The Sims and old episodes of Midsomer Murders, and hopefully I'll be able to at least tackle the laundry tomorrow.

But it's really nice to at least have my old brain back.

I think the new meds are working? *hopefully keeping fingers crossed*

[loostssoul]

if you kissed me - Rodrick Heffley | 1.9k

Yeah yeah i know i haven't written since a million years ago. and yeah yeah i know this is my first real fanfiction i posted on tumblr. fair warning, i'm not the best writer, i honestly just do this for fun and i'm totally up to criticism because i do want to make my writing better. if this is literally inaccurate, im sorry its been like 5 years since i've read the books. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this fluff-fest that I created in the span of a few hours.

paring: rodrick x reader genre: fluff. lots of fluff

Credits to the maker of the picture! 15 Days till the Contest | 9:42 PM, Saturday

Plick, plick, plick

My speakers were blasting so loud I almost didn’t hear the sound of pebbles hitting my window.

Plick, plick, plick

I rubbed my eyes and slammed my laptop shut, walking toward my bedroom window. Peering down, I saw a figure a few yards down from my second-story bedroom, looking back up at me. Dark brown, messy hair that stuck up around his face. A red and black flannel, black ripped jeans, and, (of course) a tee-shirt with “Loded Diper” clumsily written on it. A grin spread on his face as he saw my face come into his view, causing me to blush. Rodrick Heffley, Crossland High bad boy, and my boyfriend.

I unlocked the latch to my window and stuck my head out, taking in the cool air and letting the neighbors enjoy the music I was playing (they never did). I looked down.

“Y/N!” He whisper-yelled

“Evening, Heffley.”

“I need to tell you something!”

“What’s so important that you have to scratch my window instead of using the power of modern technology to call me?”

His mouth opened to give me a response, but nothing came out. I smirked, “Come on up.”

I opened the window wider as he climbed the trellis that lined the back of my house. I backed up to my door and locked it. Precautions, my parents liked Rodrick but they definitely wouldn’t approve of him in my room at night. I looked back and I saw him, every feature of him illuminated by the light of my room. His cheeky smile and chocolate brown eyes. He slowly closed the window and walked toward me, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. I still got butterflies whenever he touched me.

“Hey, Spiderman. What did ya climb in here to tell me?” I asked

“I got Loded Diper into a contest.”

My eyes widened, Loded Diper, my boyfriend’s rock band, wasn’t exactly known for being the best. It was mostly known for his mom’s insane dance moves during the Plainview Talent Show. But of course, i'll never say that in front of his face.

“You did?! That’s awesome Rodrick!”

“Yeah! It's a battle of the bands contest, we’re going against two other bands. I really think this is gonna be our big break!” His eyes sparkled in excitement.

His happiness was contagious, he was like a goddamn puppy. I pulled him into my arms. “I’m proud of you Rod.” I muttered and smiled into his collarbone. I felt him inhale the scent of my hair and twirl my locks around his fingers.

“Hey,” he said, breaking the hug. “I’m having practice tomorrow with the band, you wanna come?”

“Sure. I go to every practice anyway, why miss out on this one?” I shrugged.

He chuckled and looked at me. Really looked at me. That’s one of the reasons why I fell for him. It never seemed like it, but he paid attention. We’ve only been dating for 4 months, but he knew me like no one else did, and I knew that in the way he looked at me. I felt his hand cup my face, his thumb rubbing my cheek in small circles. I looked up at him, noticing how tall he was, how close he was. Was I the one who leaned in? Was he the one who leaned in? Did we just do it subconsciously? Did he want this? Was he ready? Was I ready?

The ringing of Rodrick’s phone filled the room. The daze we were trapped in was gone and we separated, our faces red. Rodrick picked up the phone, it was his mom.

“Yeah, mom? Mom...I’m in the middle of something. I’ll do laundry later, ok? Now? C’mon… Alright, fine. Bye.” He hung up. “Sorry, I gotta blast.”

“It’s fine, I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked him as he started toward my window.

He looked back at me and planted a kiss on my forehead, the farthest we’ve ever gone with physical touch as a couple.

“Tomorrow”

~~✰✰✰~~

14 Days till the Contest | 1:22 PM, Saturday afternoon

“Should we take it from the top?”

Practice wasn’t going so well. I could feel the nervousness, the tension. Drums were slightly off beat, the guitarist’s fingers would fly to the wrong places on the fretboard, lyrics would go all over the place. The contest was two weeks away, and Loded Diper was already feeling the anxiousness. I sat on the floor of the garage, on top of a picnic blanket I found. To Rodrick’s dismay, his mom forced him to let Greg watch band practice, as a form of “brother-to-brother bonding time.” Greg sat next to me, mockingly covering his ears.

“Oh thank god, it's done.” Greg said with an immense amount of sarcasm and uncovering his ears.

Rodrick threw a crumpled-up piece of paper at his head, “Shut up.”

“Both of you, be nice.” I laughed. “I think you guys should take a break for a while, maybe shake off the nerves.”

“Good idea Y/N, 20 minute break everyone!” The lead singer said. Everyone spread out, grabbing a piece of pizza ordered earlier and laying down. Greg ran out of the garage, yelling, “I’m free!”

Rodrick stood up and began gulping down a bottle of water. He wore a black tanktop and black ripped jeans, sweat dripping down his forehead. I ran up behind him and wrapped my arms around his torso. He turned and faced me, running his hands through my hair, lost in thought.

“You ok, Rod?” I asked him.

He sighed, “nerves”

I leaned my head on his chest, “You’re gonna do great, you’ve done so many gigs in the past. Think of this as one of those!”

He smiled at me, “You know what would make me feel a lot less nervous?”

“Oh god. What?”

A really common thing Rodrick did was try to bargain a kiss on the lips from me. It's been an ongoing joke, a meaningless bit he did all the time. I’ll do my homework if you kissed me on the lips. I’ll smile in the picture if you kissed me on the lips. It still hasn’t worked.

“I might be less nervous if you kissed me on the lips.” He whispered to me.

I rolled my eyes, “If that’s what it takes then I think you’ll lose the competition.”

He let go of me and laughed, my favorite laugh. “Worth a try.” He shrugged, going off to join his bandmates and the pizza. But as I watched him smile and laugh with his friends, I lost myself. I thought about the previous night. The way we fit into each other, the closeness, the fact that was so close that I could see my reflection in his eyes.

Maybe I should just say yes.

~~✰✰✰~~

The Day of the Contest

For the past 2 weeks, Rodrick has given me the “kiss-bargain” joke 9 times. Every time, I deflected it with sarcastic remarks, and every time I regretted not agreeing.

I sat on the front steps of my porch, waiting for Rodrick to pick me up. I regretted the jean shorts and plain black tee-shirt I had on, as a cold breeze brushed my skin. I pulled my black leather jacket on, which I painted “Loded Diper” on the back in white paint. Then, I heard it. The echo of heavy metal turned to full blast, and… the faint sound of something big getting knocked over. Oh god, they’re here. The white van with “Loded Diper” written in huge words screeched to a halt in front of my house.

The window rolled down, revealing my boyfriend and his excited grin. “Get in.”

~~✰✰✰~~

30 minutes till Loded Diper preforms

It felt surreal to be backstage, and really exciting. Energy was flowing through the room, as all the other bands talked and played. The rest of the band members seemed excited, full of adrenaline. Except for Rodrick, he’s been nervous ever since soundcheck. His leg was bouncing,he twirled his drumsticks around, drumming them on random objects, and his eyes stared into nothing.

“Rodrick, you want me to do your eyeliner?”

“Huh?” He didn’t take his eyes away from the ground, his voice seemed far away.

I lifted a liquid eyeliner pen I had in my pocket, “Eyeliner. I just did mine, we can match!”

He lifted his head and noticed me. I had my eyeliner smudged, just like he always does during a gig. He grinned, “Yeah. Yeah sure.”

I’ve done his eyeliner many times in the past, and I loved doing it because I had to be as close to him as possible. So I hopped onto his lap, pressing myself close to him, trying to comfort him with my warmth.

“Close your eyes.” I ordered.

As I applied his eyeliner, I could feel his heartbeat against my chest. It was heavy, and fast. I’m pretty sure I would still hear it if I wasn’t as close to him as I was, even though the loud music blasting through the theatre.

“Done”

He opened his eyes, and butterflies flooded my stomach. We were close. Very close. Should I do it? Should I lean in?

Rodrick probably sensed my flustered-ness. He smirked, “Cat got your tongue?”

I rolled my eyes, blushing hard. “Shut up.” I said, playfully punching him.

~~✰✰✰~~

“5 Minutes until Loded Diper performs!” A man exclaimed to us.

Rodrick was as nervous as ever. We’ve been standing on the left wing of the stage, watching the other bands play. It felt like a bunch of Loded Diper copy-pastes. A bunch of high schoolers, weird names, very aggressive playing. But they were still pretty good. Rodrick was biting the nails of one of his hands and tapping his other hand on the wall behind him. I looked up at him and held his hand, stopping it from fidgeting. He smiled nervously.

Now or never Y/N…

“Hey, you said that if I kiss you, you won’t be as nervous. Right?”

He looked at me, wide eyed. He seemed to be trying to compute what I said.

I stood on tiptoe and put his face in my hands. It was that night all over again. Every detail of his face, of him was in full view. His eyes, his eyeliner, his scent, his lips. I leaned in.

His lips were soft against mine, but they were tense, flustered. I was terrified, It was the wrong place, the wrong time. Until I felt one hand in my hair, another on my waist, pulling me closer.

How long was the kiss? A few seconds? It felt like minutes, hours. Sparked ignited. Butterflies flew in my stomach. His scent was the only thing I smelled, his warmth was the only thing I felt. The music faded away. Everything faded away. It was just him and I. Until we broke apart, taking in deep breaths of each other. We wanted more, but Loded Diper was playing in a few seconds.

“Hey, Rodrick.”

“Yeah?”

“If you win I’ll kiss you again”

We both knew I would kiss him regardless.

I didn't edit this because editing is for wimps (just kidding be responsible and edit your work)

please like and reblog because it gives me serotonin and i need that

[demonsocialworker]

Euphoria - Jules F! XReader

A/N: Haven't seen much Jules fanfics on here (which sucks bc I love her sm) so I decided to write one. Haven't wrote fanfic since middle school so if anybody has any tips on how to make my stories better plz let me know! Anyway, enjoy the story. <3

Word Count: I have no idea lol

Very light smut at the very end

It had been three months since you moved to town. You haven't made any friends so far, but your mom refuses to stop bugging you about it. "Honey I just think you could join a club after school, it hurts me seeing you so lonely since we moved." You knew she didn't really care about you making any friends, she just wanted to be able to tell your dad about how well you were doing and that moving was such a good idea. "I already have two overdue essays Mom I really don't have time to join a club." Which was true, since you had gotten here you didn't care about your schoolwork as much and you had started falling behind. "Well maybe if you have time you can try to find a club you're interested in." You could see the worry on your mom's face, she was trying so hard to prove to your dad that moving here while he finished out his huge project at work would be a good idea. Sure, you wanted to help her and make a friend or two so she could tell him it was going great, but it was just so hard. Your mom went into her room to put all her laundry away, you stayed in the living room to scroll through Instagram. Your friends from home looked so happy posting pictures from the latest pep rally, you thought about how much you missed wearing your cheerleading outfit with your best friend, Mandy. At first you and her had texted all day every day, soon it turned into a "goodnight" every day, and then it turned into checking in maybe once a week. Now it had been two weeks since you heard from her, she had finally forgotten you and now you really didn't have anybody left. You commented on Mandy's picture, "Looks so fun!!!!!! So upset I had to miss it tho, luv u <3." You knew she probably wouldn't comment back, so you locked your phone and made your way to your room. You hadn't cleaned your room since you unpacked, now it was really starting to turn into a mess. You couldn't bring yourself to care enough to clean it though, so you changed into your pj's, plugged your phone in, and climbed into bed. "Maybe tomorrow will finally be better..." you thought as you drifted off to sleep.

Your alarm had gone off five times already, you knew you couldn't hit the snooze button anymore. You finally turned it off and got out of bed, avoiding looking at yourself in the mirror as you walked past it. You hated seeing yourself in the mornings, you always looked like a mess. Since you slept in so late you didn't have time to put on a cute outfit like you usually did. You put on a hoodie and some jeans, threw your hair up, and went to go brush your teeth. "Sweetheart I'm making french toast this morning! Come grab a plate before you leave!" You looked at your phone, it was 7:15, you didn't have time for french toast today. "No thanks Mom I'll be late for the bus! I gotta go love you!" You rushed out the door before she could say anything else, she'd probably ask why you're not eating, and you didn't have the energy for that conversation. You would have to explain that yes you would eat if you had time and nothing's messing with your appetite, but if you engaged in that conversation, she'd take up more time than eating breakfast would and you'd be even later than if you did eat. You had to run to the bus stop before it drove away without you, luckily you made it just before the driver closed the doors. "Rough morning Candace?" the bus driver asked. "Honestly, it could be worse."

The bus ride felt like forever, and you dreaded stepping off onto school sidewalk. But you did anyway and walked into your first class, Government. You took your seat and got your notebook and pens out to take notes, there were always so many to take in this class. Then Mrs. Rose called everybody's attention, "Class, please look up here. Today we have a new student joining us, please welcome Jules." Everyone responded, "Hello Jules." Except you. You couldn't even speak. Once you laid your eyes on her you were stunned. She was the most beautiful person you had ever seen. Her hair was bubblegum pink, her eye makeup looked like hearts that were made out of pink glitter, and she wore a pastel blue baby doll dress. It made you think of your own outfit, how today was the one day you decided not to wear something cute. Now you had ruined your one and only first impression on her. Mrs. Rose interrupted your train of thought, "Jules how about you sit next to Candace." You watch her walk down the row of desks, "Oh no, I have no idea what to say." you think to yourself. As she walks closer you feel your breathing quicken, how could a girl you haven't even talked to yet make you feel this way? She sits down in the desk beside you and places her notebook on her desk. "Hi, I guess the teacher just said everything for me but I'm Jules." She says with a smile. "Hi, I'm Candace." You say back with a nervous smile. You try to focus during the rest of the class, but you constantly take glances at Jules while she looks at the board. You manage to make it through class and the rest of the day. You're not sure how though with how much you thought about Jules during the day. You go outside and wait for your bus to pull up, and then you hear the sweetest, "Hi!' from behind you. You turn around and see her again, "Oh um hi Jules!" you say back. "Hey, I was just wondering if maybe I could get your number? Not in a weird way I promise I um, I was just wondering if I could text you so you could catch me up what I missed in Government so far this year." You try to find words, but you catch yourself just standing there and staring back at her. "Oh uhm, yeah sure no problem!" You finally say. She smiles at you, "Thanks!" You gave her your number and stepped on the bus, you watched her walk to her bike then pedal away.

You spent the whole bus ride home thinking about Jules. You couldn't get her out of your head. Her smile, her makeup, her hair, her outfit, everything about her was perfect. You finally get home and walk through the front door. Your mom was sitting on the couch watching one of her shows, "Hey Catiebug how was school today?" "It was good mom I have homework to do." You say rushing towards your room. You didn't really care about your homework, you wanted to see if you could look up Jules on social media. Just when you opened your computer you realized you didn't even know her last name. "Well how many people named Jules could be living nearby?" you thought. It took you about thirty minutes, but you finally found her on Instagram. You looked through all of her pictures, with every picture you scrolled through she looked even more amazing than in the one before. You were close to the end of her feed when your phone buzzed, snapping you out of your dreamlike state of looking at Jules. And at the top of the screen there she was, "Hey!!!! It's Jules, so is there anything important I missed so far in class? <3" That heart at the end made you get butterflies in your stomach. "Hey Jules!!!! There's not too much that you missed, if you want you can look through my notes sometime tomorrow!" You anxiously waited for her to text back. You stared at your phone for what felt like forever, but it was really only about two minutes. "What is wrong with me?" you asked yourself. You were starting to wonder how some random girl had such a hold over you. You've only had two crushes back home before this, so why were you suddenly so head over heels for this one girl? Your phone buzzed again, interrupting your thoughts. "Sounds great tysm! Meet you during lunch for notes tmr?" Your heart started racing, you can't believe she wants to sit with you at lunch. You've been sitting alone during lunch since you got here and now you have the most beautiful girl asking can she join you tomorrow. You finally text back, "Sure sounds great! See you tmr." You try to work on your homework, even though all you can think about is getting to sit with Jules tomorrow. You can't wait to see what outfit she's going to wear tomorrow or what her makeup is going to look like. You get done with your homework, you definitely missed a lot of questions, but it didn't matter since it was at least done. Your mom called you, "Catie! Dinners ready!" But you didn't get up, you were too busy thinking about sitting with Jules tomorrow, "I'm not hungry right now Mom! I'll grab a snack before bed!" You thought that you probably should've just went to dinner, because now your mom was standing at your door, "Are you sure you're okay sweetie? Did I upset you last night talking about you joining a club?" You had to think for a minute to come up with something that she'd believe. "Mom I'm fine, I'm just worried about my grades this year, they assign so much more work here than they did back home." There, that was believable right? "Well.... okay baby. You know I just get worried sometimes. I'll put a plate in the fridge for you, so you don't have to only eat a snack later." She closed your door and walked away. Hopefully she's less worried about you now.

Today couldn't come quick enough. You tossed and turned all night thinking about Jules. You thought about what you would say to her, what she would say to you, and you thought about what you needed to say so you wouldn't sound awkward in front of her. When your first alarm when off this morning you were already awake. You had already showered, ate, and brushed your teeth. Now you were standing in front of the mirror deciding which outfit you were going to wear. You chose the dark blue crop top and some ripped black skinny jeans. You did some blue glittery eye shadow as a base, and around your eyes you draw some hearts in black eyeliner. You hoped Jules would be impressed, since her makeup always looks so good. You grabbed your backpack and got on your bike to go to school. Your mom hadn't even woken up and the bus wouldn't come for at least another thirty minutes. You wanted to get to school early, with the hopes of running into Jules while you both chained your bikes to the bike rack. But when you got there, you didn't see any sign of her. You sat in the parking lot on your bike for a few minutes, and finally you saw her pedaling into the parking lot. You pulled out your phone, thinking that scrolling through Instagram would make you look more casual. Then over your shoulder you hear the cheeriest, "Hiiiii!" You turned around to see her, she was wearing a purple top and a blue skirt. Instead of eye shadow today she was just wearing blue eyeliner and some pink lip gloss. She looked like the definition of perfect. "Hey Jules!" you said back to her. She pulled up right beside you, "What made you come in so early?" she asked. You put your phone in your back pocket and tried to think of some kind of excuse. "I uhm- I just wanted to get here early and turn in some overdue essays before classes started. What about you?" She hopped off her bike and pulled her bike lock out of her backpack, "I like getting here early, it's so quiet before everyone gets here. It's kind of peaceful." You got off of your bike and locked it around the bike rack. You couldn't think of anything else to say to her, and luckily, she broke the silence, "So are you sure I didn't miss too much in first few months of school?" Of course, she missed a lot, but with how stressed this school makes you, you didn't want her to worry too much. "Well, we just started a new unit this week, so you won't have to worry about missing too much before a test. And they won't make you retake anything that was assigned before you got here." You started walking towards school, even though you weren't sure the doors were unlocked this early in the morning. "That's good, this is the first time I've moved schools, so I wasn't really sure what to expect." Coming here was the first time you had to move schools too, so you knew exactly how she felt. "I know what you mean, I just moved here about three months ago." She turned her head to look at you as she opened the door, "Wow I didn't know that. I guess they stuck us next to each other since we're new huh?" You had to stop for a second just to look at her, you didn't get to see her this close when she was coming into the parking lot. She looked amazing. You had never seen somebody as pretty as her. You wondered if she would even be interested in you like you were with her. "Probably, heh." You spent all that time this morning thinking of what to say to not sound awkward, and then that comes out. "Jesus, I don't even know what to say how could I be born this awkward ugh." You think to yourself. You walk through the hallways together; Jules goes into the Government classroom and sees you walking past, "Hey are you coming in?" she asks. "Yeah, in a minute, I have to walk these to my English teacher." You say, flashing a folder with your essays inside. "Oh yeahhh, I forgot about those. See you in a minute." She said, with the brightest smile you've ever seen. You smile back and keep walking down to the English classroom. You start to think as you walk, if all those smiles and sweet tones meant she might have a crush on you, or if she

was just being nice. She just moved here so you don't know what her personality is like. You dropped your essays off to Mr. Jackson and made your way back to the Government classroom. Jules was right, the school was way more peaceful when nobody else was here. You walked through the door to Mrs. Rose's class and saw Jules sitting at her desk on her phone, she was typing something, and smiling at her phone. Your heart dropped a bit. What if she has a boyfriend or a girlfriend from her hometown? Maybe it was just her personality, she's just that sweet and kind to everyone and you aren't special. You hung your head and just walked to your desk, but as soon as she heard your footsteps she looked up, smiled, and put her phone down on her desk. "Hey, you're finally back!" she said and smiled even wider. Suddenly instead of feeling like you had a rock in the pit of your stomach you had butterflies again. "Yeah, it only took a second." You said as you sat down at your desk. She turned to you, and it looked like she was hesitating to do something. Then she asked, "Do you want to come over to my house after school, my dad's probably going to ask you a million questions when we walk through the door, but we can hang out in my room." You smiled, but inside you were freaking out. Maybe she does feel the same way about you that you feel about her. Maybe this is how she's showing it. Maybe hanging out today would lead to something bigger later. "Sooooo?" she said suddenly. You realized you had been thinking for too long. "Um yeah sure! I just need to text my mom and tell her where I'm going." She smiled at you, and for a second it felt like you and her were the only ones in the room. But other students had already started filing in and Mrs. Rose clapped her hands together saying, "Good morning, everyone!"

You thought about Jules all day during school again. You're not even sure how you got through the day without being sent to the office, at least two teachers called you out for not paying attention. When the bell rang you felt like you had hit the lottery. You packed all your stuff into your backpack and rushed to the parking lot. Jules was waiting there, smiling at her phone again. Now you didn't know how to feel about it, since she invited you over. When she saw you, she put her phone away again. "Ready to go?" she asked. "Of course!" you said, smiling at her. She smiled back and you both unlocked you bikes and climbed on. It took 30 minutes to get to her house, she zig zagged through the streets on the way there, she had so much fun. You couldn't understand how, you were out of breath after 10 minutes. But you had to keep going, you wanted to spend time with Jules, and she looked so happy. It was so cute to see her happy. You both laid your bikes on her front lawn and walked through the door. Her dad was sitting on the couch and reading when you walked in. He looked up from his book, "Well hello, Jules who's this?" he said as he put his book on the coffee table. "Dad, this is Candace. She's the friend I made that I told you about." She looked kind of shy as she said it, you wondered if she told her dad that you were more than a friend. Or you were just overthinking because you liked her. "Ohhh right Candace, how could I forget about her after you talked my ear off about her-" Jules cut him off, "DAD." she semi yelled as her face turned a light shade of red. "Alright alright, you two girls have fun. Wait, but not too much fun." He said and winked. She grabbed your hand and led you upstairs. "He's so embarrassing." she said as you both walked upstairs. You just laughed in response, "Well at least your dad is interested in your life." She turned to you as she opened her door, "Yeah a little too interested if you ask me." You closed the door behind you, and she sat on her bed. "So, you talked his ear off about me huh?" you asked laughing. Her face turned that light shade of red again, "Well he was really excited that I made a friend already, okay?" she said smiling at you. You sat down on the bed next to her. "But we can't have "too much fun"?" You said smiling back at her. "Okay well, maybe I might've mentioned that you're really pretty and I kind of thought I liked you." Her face turned a dark shade of red this time and you couldn't help but smile at her. She smiled back and grabbed your hand. You both laid back on the bed still holding hands, she turned her head and asked, "Well, are we going to have too much fun?"