#i haven't been writing a lot lately so sorry if its a bit rough

[scribbet]

Hi! I just finished reading your fic and really enjoyed it! I love how perfect wwx was in terms of how i had imagined him being if his creative mind and amazing personality was given a better upbringing which bssr did. Seeing lwj's opinions change and reshape themselves to accommodate wwx and his questioning tendencies, curiosity, kindness and all? spectacular!! If you ever write a continuation, I'll be very happy to see how those dumbasses confess and go all cutesy new relationship with each other because all that blushing on wwx's part and speechlessness on lwj's? yea i feel like its cominggg

Have a great rest of the week :D

This was such a lovely message to find in my inbox, thank you, and thanks for following through to Tumblr to chat fic 🥰 Really glad you enjoyed it - it was a lot of fun to imagine a Wei Wuxian who had the space and was encouraged to thrive, and then to watch him completely up-end Lan Wangji's understanding of the world by simply existing 😁 Things have generally been a bit ridiculous IRL so I haven't really had the chance to properly play around with the rough ideas I had for a sequel. But despite Wangxian having speed-run getting on the same page about a lot of things in this AU, if I do manage to take those drafts further I think they're probably going to continue on in their dumbassery for just a little longer... I feel like despite this Lan Wangji having already gone through a load of realisations that took an awful lot longer/involved a lot more angst in canon, and Wei Wuxian's general unwillingness to capitulate to the cultivation world from the get go (and the power to potentially back that stance up) there's still a few bits they're going to have to work through yet. Aside from the looming Wen threat and the general disapprobation of the sects that is, but it's Wangxian so initially communicating their feelings will be much more challenging for them than those minor issues 😅 But canon Lan Wangji has a spectacularly bad past record when it comes to initiating a confession/relationship between the two of them, and I think Wei Wuxian's got a lot of new stuff to parse and things he's working through in this AU, so despite not being so tied with obligations/expectations I think he's liable to be a bit distracted from his own realisations. But oh yes, once they actually get there their new relationship is likely to be so ridiculously cute that the jianghu is going to be torn between toothache from all the sweetness and persistent fear of the next unprecedented feat of cultivation skill/disruption of the social hierachies they're going to come out with next 😆 Sorry for the late reply to this, above mentioned lRL bits haven't really left me much bandwidth for Tumblr so I'm a bit sporadic getting back but hope you have a great rest of *this* week too :D

[flygefisk]

OOOO OK YOU ASKED FOR PEOPLE TO ASK ABT YOUR DRAGONS IM SO DOWN, so much so im going off anon for this shit /pos gods im obsessed with howl and synder rn, the writing was phenomenal!!! Since on my side fr is doing its maintenance thingy I cannot look at your lair, but id looove to know more about them!!

Like for example, is there any more about Syndor you can lore drop about? Is he a regular ol guy (species wise) or a lil something else?

Oh and Howl!!! Im sorry if its obvious and I just missed it cause its late but what is she?? It sounds like shes some sort of badass zombie but Id love to know

OH AND i am in fact very curious about the most recent anciets you got, they are so so cool!! I adore gentle giant characters, hugging the big ladies finger rn <333 I unfortuantly dont have a lot of ideas for names for either, but the sea monster is giving me K, A, or M vibe names, ones that sound sing songy to speak!

aaaa thank u!! i have. No confidence in my writing tbh so i very much appreciate it <3

syndor, biologically, is a very average dragon. he's just been through some stuff. he is trying very hard to keep his past in the past. after all, his present is so wonderful.

howl's meant to be a little bit unfathomable, so fair! but they're not a zombie- the body they're in is totally alive. mortal, even. it bleeds! it hungers! i guess they were reincarnated, but with more intent.

i had written more about what howl was before their death but didn't like the pacing, so i scrapped it. the tl;dr version is she was a girl (who was actually transmasc/genderqueer in an era where that was not an option), murdered by a suitor. a wild god found the body, found the wild thing that was howl, and gave it a new life. their initial story + the scrapped portion is under the cut if you want the whole thing!

howl and syndor are kinda two sides of the same coin- howl is completely free from its past, living in the present, happy. i'm not sure how much they remember of their last life. syndor, though, is hiding from his past, it sits like a shackle holding him back. he lives in the present, not out of the joy of life, but because he can never go back and feels he doesn't have a future.

they're good for each other like that. syndor helps howl navigate a new world, howl helps syndor find his own way.

tbh i was kinda thinking calypso for her! iiii haven't had a lot of time to think about either of them tbh, its been. a rough week asfsds

once, long ago, there was a girl. this girl was a farmer's daughter, loved by all in the village for her kindness and beauty.

the girl had many suitors. carpenters, merchants, knights, all loved the girl. she never courted any, though. her father hoped she would marry, find some wealthy husband who could support her, and was always quietly disappointed when she turned them away at the door.

the girl knew what she was supposed to do. she often spent time with the other girls in the village, laughing at their talk of boys and secret kisses and nights spent hidden away together. she knew she was meant to marry a man and have his children and clean his home.

to the girl, this sounded like hell on earth.

the girl had something she was hiding- something that lived within her, something wild and angry, that she could not describe. the something rioted against the idea of being a housewife, reviled the thought of motherhood.

its snarls and howls grew louder and louder with every suitor. she was sure that one day, the something would eat her alive.

-

once, long ago, there was a prince. this prince enjoyed traveling his country, meeting folks from all walks of life, giving gifts that, to him, were pocket change, and, to his subjects, were life-changing. it would be easy to assume this habit made the prince a kind man.

the prince met the farmer's daughter, and was struck by her beauty. he took her polite smile and sweet laughter as acceptance of his courtship.

the prince gave the girl and her family lavish gifts- jewelry, silken gowns, bottles of fine wine each costing more than her home. the girl's parents were overjoyed, of course. they would be nobility, if she married the prince, rich beyond their wildest dreams.

the wild something in the girl howled every time she saw the prince. it snarled when he kissed her hand, screeched when he placed another golden chain round her neck.

she imagined its teeth gnawing at her bones, so full of hatred it tore its own skin with sharp fangs and claws. she imagined her own mouth full of fangs like that. she imagined those teeth tearing into the prince's throat. ripping out his honeyed words. clawing out his selfish eyes. staining that fine silk and velvet with dark blood.

how sweet that would be.

-

once, long ago, there was a farmer. he had a daughter, a kind and beautiful girl loved by all who met her. and his daughter had a suitor, a prince who loved the girl.

the farmer loved his daughter, and wanted her to be happy. he felt that she was unhappy sometimes, though she always wore a sweet smile, and he felt it was due to their lifestyle. he was certain if she married the prince, she would be happy. safe from poor harvests and harsh winters. warm, well-fed, and happy.

the prince came calling one day, while the girl was out, so the farmer happily told him where she had gone. the farmer hoped today would be the day the prince proposed.

the girl was picking berries along the creek- she loved walking in the forest, listening to the sounds of the wind and birds and insects rather than the incessant chatter of the village. quiet and peaceful. the wild something was angrier than it had ever been, but it seemed calmer in the forest.

until her quiet afternoon was interrupted. the prince on his white horse, his voice so loud and vain and self-obsessed. the girl's father had been right, the prince had come to ask the girl to marry him. again.

no, she said, for the dozenth time. the wild something growled. he asked again, insistent and irritating. the wild something snarled. again and again he asked, until it was more of a command than a question, and the wild something howled and bit and clawed until it leapt from her throat, her sweet voice full of rage as she rejected him once and for all.

the flash of metal, the tearing of fabric, of skin. the spilling of blood.

she died with his blood under her nails.

-

once, long ago, there was a god. it was a wild, ancient god, one of blood and lust and life. a forest god.

the god scented blood on the air, civilized blood. it cared little for civilized folks, as most gods do. it cared little whether they lived or died. but it was a curious god, so it tracked the scent, bounding on deers' hooves to its source.

the god's paws left no tracks in the bloodsoaked earth around the creature's remains. it touched the weapon buried in the thing's stomach, ran its talons over the strange covering it wore, brushed a bit of hair from its face. the god considered the creature for a moment: its face contorted in rage, its hands and coverings stained dark. there was another scent here, under the obvious blood and rot, one even more familiar to the god.

a wild something, indescribable even to the god of such things, coiled around the body that was once its own. it stared up at the god, its teeth bared. the god raised its head and howled in its many voices, joined soon by the wolves and coyotes and hawks and hares of the forest, in a mournful harmony of all wild things.

the something howled too, until its song became a scream, letting loose all the sorrow and love and rage of a life that would never have been enough.

the forest went silent. the god lowered its head and nuzzled the something, like a doe to her fawn, like a bear to her cub. wild things understand each other. they understand the cycle, that nothing lasts forever and nothing really dies. the god understood the something's desperate plea, no need for words.

another chance.

-

once, not so long ago, there was a man. he walked through an overgrown forest, dirt on his hands and his shovel. he loved walking in the forest, listening to the sounds of nature. it was calming.

he paused near a burbling creek to wash the sweat from his face. he sighed in grim satisfaction- tired, sore, numb. but it was over.

the man realized, after staring into the water for long minutes, that something was different. wrong. the forest was silent here. his eye was drawn to a large stone behind him- half his height or more, veined with black and glittering white patches. on its face, a handprint made of something dark.

a strange impulse took over, something wild within him, and he began to dig.

a scraping sound. crumbling earth. cracking twigs. then, light. sunlight. warm and bright and so welcome after so long in the dirt.

the creature reached out from its grave. its hands- long, clawed, discolored- shook as it pulled itself up. it blinked against the morning light, yawned as though waking from a long nap.

it almost didn't notice the man with the shovel. he stared at it, his expression unreadable. it ignored him, letting the world wash over it: a cool breeze on its face, the sound of the water, of birds and insects, of wind through the leaves, the cloying scent of dark earth giving way to flowers and trees.

finally, the man held out a hand- blistered, covered in soil- and the creature let him pull it from the earth.

the man removed his cloak, wrapping it around the creature's broad shoulders. it rubbed the fabric between its clawed fingers- soft, warm, dark like good soil- and smiled. it should have been frightening, with its sharp teeth, but the man just smiled back.

wild things understand each other.

[maple-writes]

WHG 17: The Big Day

whg tag list (I think this is everyone from the discord who asked but if i missed anyone let me know) @concealeddarkness13 @pen-of-roses @ratracechronicler @childrenoflight-darkness-nothing @knmartinshouldbewriting

---

It was quiet in the cramped little bunkhouse and still dark outside as the first hints of dawn barely came through the tiny windows. Usually the children here would have to be waking up now. Dragging themselves out of bed at the first sign of light. Not this morning. Though Moraine knew from experience they didn’t see the trade of a day sleeping in for the reaping as a fair deal at all.

He sat on the floor tucked into the back corner of the room with a little girl sleeping leaned against his side. Assuming his old form, a skinny, dark-eyed near twenty-year-old, no one except his old friends would know who he really was. Not that it mattered. He was young, he didn’t know what he was doing as a god, but he knew how hard reaping day was for them. If he could offer them a little comfort, a little more of a sense of safety, then that was what he would do.

The sun rose on and slowly the world outside began to wake. Faint birdsong drifted through the distance and the sound of people traveling came too. Inside though all was still quiet besides the occasional laboured breath or cough of a child who’s lungs had been long filled with sawdust.

The younger children woke first, which quickly roused the older. No one felt the need to talk much as they got dressed for the day. Everyone’s name was in that draw far too many times, but what else were they supposed to do? Starve? The girl by Moraine’s side got up and he did too. He leaned against the back wall as the children who still had parents left first to spend the morning together while the others stayed behind.

A boy sat on the edge of a bunk looked up at him. “Mica, are you coming today?”

Without thinking he nodded. “Of course.” He cracked a sideways smile and reached out to mess up his hair. “Do you think I��d rather hang around here until you get back? I’d be bored out of my mind.”

“Hey!” The boy pushed Moraine’s hand away, but he smiled too.

Good. Even if he smiled for only a few seconds it was the least he could do. He offered a hand and the boy took it as they made their way out of the building. Others were already waiting outside, older children and teenagers trying their best to make things light for the younger. Still, there wasn’t much they could do. He leaned against the side of the building, taking the weight off of his right leg still stiff from sitting down all night in his human body. Years ago a log fell the wrong way and he hadn’t reacted fast enough. He was lucky it only caught his leg.

Everyone knew what could happen in just a few hours but this year was different. Moraine was no longer mortal. They all knew he was a god now, but word of his existence hadn’t spread much farther than those he’d known and loved and those who’d buried him. He wouldn’t let any of them come to harm this year. If Day had anything to say about him going in then so be it.

[skittles1229]

Old Expectations Die Hard (Dashie x Reader Fanfic)

Chapter One: Weird Circumstances

You know your life is complicated when the friend you always complain to says "you never have a dull moment do you?" I sigh as the weight of the world seems to make it impossible to breath. You see recently things have been rough. I lost my job and my fiance all in the same day, that itself was an unbelievable story. I was so upset and strung out on thoughts of what to do that once i got home early from work i didn't notice the extra car in the driveway. i stepped into my home and my own floors felt as if they'd given way when i saw the guy i thought i'd be spending my life with in bed, with my sister... my sister and i hadn't been on good terms for a while and for a good reason! The drugs she took either made her unreliable and selfish or crazy and murderous. He, of course, pulled the its not what you think, id never hurt you, it was a mistake, and honestly i could write a book out of the excuses i heard in the time of two minutes but maybe another time. Needless to say i left. I never thought about going back and to be honest my sister looked more hurt then i was. I took a job in California a few weeks ago and moved in with my friend (BFF Name). They always seemed to know what to say and honestly i truly believe They  knew me better then i know myself. 

California gave me the biggest culture shock I've ever had. I came from Mississippi, the bible belt and the most rural part of the world. California was sooooo different then what i was use to. The weather is awesome. There's lots of jobs for technical people, at least until you're 45 and then you're considered ancient and you can't possibly know anything when some 23-year old out of Stanford tells you that they know it all. (a little bit of sarcasm there) It's a great place to start a new company, money is available as is talent. The risk of starting a company is lower since you can always find a new job The politics are insane, if you aren't towing the progressive party line you should just STFU. If you even once say that Trump has done something positive, or that Obama did something negative prepare for the wrath. Read the stuff behind the recently filed lawsuit against google for a taste of what it's like. Seriously, don't say a word. The state if structurally bankrupt, although the finances look good because so much stuff is off of the balance sheet. The public pension liability dwarfs the "good" part of the budget, and some day it is coming home to roost. Watch out when it does. The cost of living is absurd, really absurd. I'm not talking just a place to live but gas, electricity, haircuts, milk, pizza, you name it. The traffic is absurd too. (can you tell i like the word absurd) The public transit, although usually on time, is a mess. People are pigs, they throw trash everywhere, the cars are overcrowded almost all the time. 

I've got to say, from how much it sounds like i hate California, i actually don't.  Mainly because its so far away from my original family, leaving really helped me start to grow up and feel like maybe i was getting a hold of my life again. Only problem has been getting to my new job on time. I work as a barista and a waitress at a brunch place a good minute away from the apartment. The money is good, otherwise i wouldn't waste my time with the commute everyday. i keep being late to work because i still haven't adjusted to how terrible traffic is and so my boss was "nice" enough to switch me to the later shifts. The hours are long and boring because my shift starts in the middle of rush hour to the slowest hours at the end of the day meaning you have to find things to keep yourself busy with. the only good thing is, we can wear pretty much anything we want as long as its black. all i wear is dark colors so i didn't have to spend any extra money on a uniform and i didn't have to wear the same thing everyday. Today i decided i wear a v-neck shirt that with an emperor waist (body forming) with black skinny jeans and my regular converse. i decided against driving to work and decided it would be far smarter to catch a bus to the nearest destination. My (hair color) hair was done is a fishtail messy braid, i always liked this style because it made me look like i had a head full of hair when in reality i thought i was going bald. 

My personality was a little odd, you see some days i felt like the beautiful nerd who has no confidence and wants to hide away in a hole. other days i feel like a model from Victoria secrets, of course those are the days i get the most tips. today was honestly a mutual day, where id rather be at home in my bed asleep, or listening to music. The bus finally stopped a block away from my job and i sighed obviously not wanting to go into work. surprisingly there wasn't nearly  as many cars as there usually is around this time but i wasn't complaining. i walk in to see that most of the downstairs was empty but whoever was upstairs definitely had a loud mouth. i walk to the back in order to clock in and i bump into melany ( the girl im shifting with). "wow you actually got here on time! Maybe the boss's mood will cheer up." i huffed a little. "yea, i dont know why i thought id need a car in California, say whats with the low level of customers? its NEVER this slow." she looked at me in disdain, "some guys reserved the entire upstairs and we had to make this huge table out of all our tables up there, glad im not gonna be the one fixing it later." i rolled my eyes, i hated when a huge family came in and they just had to move everything around because little johnny wants the sit next to suzzie and suzzie HAS to sit by her parents bc she likes to throw her food on the floor, all fake names but a real situation ive been in before. "well have they at least been fed so that i only have to clean up after them?" she shook her head while hanging up her apron. "nope, they've only ordered their drinks and they are getting those onto trays now." so today was gonna be like every other day. "guess i better go help them take those upstairs then, have a good rest of your day." i walk away and slip on my apron, grabbed one of the trays of drinks while another waiter grabbed the rest of the drinks. Once i got upstairs, that's when i met him...

Chapter Two: Last Will and Testament

          He was sitting on the far end of the long table of people laughing and joking. everyone seemed to be loud and all had their own inside jokes. This guy, he stuck out. i changed my attention to the task at hand, finishing this shift. i hated when people moved all the tables and seating around. all the waiters and waitresses have to go back behind them and look at the layout of the floor to put them all back exactly as they were before. it was a struggle and because of this nobody actually wanted that job so usually the manager gives it to her least favorite workers and i happened to be one. "who all had coke?" nobody answered me so one of the men bellowed out the same line and somehow was able to get a show of hands. i walked around handing  out drinks, catching the lingering smell of strong liquor. i could tell by the end of tonight they would all be wasted and loud. please, just don't make more of a mess then you have to, i thought to myself. i had one drink left on my tray, "sweet tea?" the guy i saw before at the end of the table waved his hand and i dreaded going over there, i always seem to make a fool of myself when it matters. 

     i make my way slowly down the table with the tray under my arm and the tea in my hand. i lean over to sit his drink on the table.."here's your t-" *CRASH* while joking with one of his friends his elbow crashes into my hand sending the tea flying all over me and the cup crashing to the floor, thank god i wore black. he turned around and looked more horrified then i did. "i'm sorry! i'm so sorry!" his voice was deeper then i imagined it'd be. "no, it my fault i'm sorry ill get you a new one." i turned away to hide my embarrassment and walked away really just trying to get away from the situation. i could tell from the silence behind me that all eyes were on me. i ran to the back where the lockers were for the service. i went to the bathroom and stripped the sticky clothes off throwing them aside. i sat on the toilet  trying to catch my breath, my social anxiety had struck me  hard. a feeling of worthlessness and dread fell over me like a blanket. after the past few months i've had just one day without something terrible happening would mean the world to me. i heard a knock on the door, it was melany, she walked in with a towel from the kitchen. "hey, i heard what happen upstairs are you ok?" i covered my breast trying keep myself as unexposed as possible. "oh yea im fine, im just cold, and sticky, and... covered in tea." melany and i made eye contact and both laughed just to lift the dread in the air. "let me guess, all the guys are getting a kick out of watching me fumble again huh?" i said a little less concerned and more annoyed. she rolled her eyes "they are boys, they get a kick out of picking their own nose. we both slid to the floor beside each other, she hands me the damp towel. i get most of the sticky off as possible, throwing my hair up to make it look less clumped together by the sugar. "i have an extra black t shirt in my locker but i don't know how it will fit you. your breast are at least a size larger then mine." i shrugged my shoulders, "who cares ill make do. thanks for your help melany." she smiled her weird anime girl smile and ran to get the shirt from her locker.

     ill have to admit, she was right about the size thing. it was far to small around the chest area but the rest fit fine. after the incident my boss stuck me down stairs wiping tables and sweeping the floor, i dont mind though because i get to experience the day coming to an end with a beautiful sunset over California. i secretly kept the the window to watch as the sun fell from the sky. the sky seemed to burn and darken while the clouds began to glow with the last bit of sunlight left. the sky filled up with burning Burgundy and faded orange and yellows, the tallest buildings seemed to reach for the skyline as if it were a sunflower moving to the last drip of sunlight. moving here had been hard, and this had become one of the things i looked forwards to. living in the apartment with my friend was nice, buts its not the same as coming home to someone you use to lay with every night. sleeping alone seemed so much colder and emptier then i remembered from childhood. my mother would be so disappointed in the way i turned out, in the places id gone and the decision to spend my life with someone who was most obviously the wrong one. she would have told me to slow down and to take my time, that growing up wasn't everything. she would have said love isn't something you just wake up and have, its something you make. i wasn't anywhere close to where i thought id be by now, and i could see that. it tears at my heart everyday, not being able to see her or any of my family. sometimes it felt as if they'd all died in the fire that night. 

     i suddenly heard a boom of voices making their way down the stairs, i hadn't realized how close to closing time it had become. all of them walk out stumbling and laughing at their own jokes, seems they all got a good bit of drinking in, all except one. The guy i ran into on accident seemed as sober as ever, designated driver i think, he was much taller now. he seemed muscular but in such a fitting way for his body. his teeth sparkle because their so white, his smile complimented him best. his high cheekbones made his chocolate brown eyes his best feature. His skin was glowing with a sweet honey hue and before i could notice that i was staring he turned his head. his eyes met mind before i could think twice and that's when i felt the heat rise to my cheeks. weather it be from embarrassment or silly school girl shyness i didn't know . i turned my face away but it was too late, i turned my face a little just to catch a glimpse of him before he made his way out of the door and that's when i noticed his cheeks had gone from a burnt caramel to a rosy color. i felt my body shiver at the thought that maybe, just maybe he found me as attractive as i found him. i shook the thought from head realizing they had began locking the place down. as i helped close up shop and wash dishes i couldn't help but to let my mine wander to all different kinds of thoughts, funny thing was they always fell back to him and his rosy  cheeks. i couldn't help but smile as i felt my heart race at the thought of him, even though id made a fool of myself today i was glad i hadn't ruined my chances. Even if he'd never get with me or i wouldn't ever see him again, i'd still take it as a compliment that he even looked my way. 

     before long we were all outside laughing and talking about today. The manager locked the doors and said his goodbyes. i turn to walk towards the bus station when i see a man standing aside awkwardly between the restaurant and the parking lot. suddenly my eyes adjusted and once they did, the joyousness butterflies came back and the blush suddenly reappeared on my cheeks..

There are lots more chapter after this if you are interested you can find them here

https://my.w.tt/sosFRmianbb

[mirrordraco]

Another small doodle. I guess? It's late, I have no following for this, I guess I'm posting cause I'm proud of me? Yeah. This is a post for me. Been going through some rough stuff and occasionally it's gotten worse and I know in the future it'll get worse again too but I've noticed my recent lows haven't felt as low (not counting the nearly passing out outside a liquor store in broad daylight, that was still damn low but I digress-). Emotionally I feel kinda better? Part of me is afraid of saying that cause just watch me prove me wrong tomorrow but at this point and in this moment I feel pretty good?

The shocking part is probably that... It's night time. I'm "alone" not talking to friends or anything, I'm just watching vids and my stomach feels kinda sick and I'm trembling a little (physical issue not emotional) but despite that... I'm feeling okay. It's been a long long time since I could be awake this late at night and just... Feel alright.

I'm not questioning shit anymore. I don't sit around for hours telling myself "if they loved me they'd do this-" or "if anyone cared this would happen-" cause that shit was toxic, it was toxic for me and it was toxic for the people around me. It was entitled, like people somehow owed me comfort. Nah. It was messed up and more often then not it was hurting me a lot because when I believed that it really did make me think no one cared.

It has been a weird year for me. Not drastically bad, I won't claim I made some fantastical feat this year and everyone should praise me. I just mean it had moments that I had to dig deep more than I had to in the past. Its payed off. I'm not... Done yet. I'm not "there" or the person I necessarily want to be at the moment. Still I can see that things have changed and it's been for the better.

Now I can say to myself "If they loved me they would- no they wouldn't cause how would they even know? It's not fair of me to assume they can do this right now they've been doing a lot-" and "No one loves me- except for _____, _____, and _____ I know that they love me. And my family. And Monty. So actually-"

The negative voices are still there and probably always will be and when shit upsets me I'll always have a knee jerk reaction but it's taking less and less time to work through that. Instead of two days it takes a few hours. Instead of a few hours it takes 30 minutes. Instead of 30 minutes it happens in 10.

I don't think I've achieved things like "love myself" or "confidence without ego" (I mix up the two a lot and I'm sorry for whoever that's effected I promise it's still in progress) or "be a functioning adult" ironically that last one might be the easiest one.

Even though I still have a lot to do and even though I still struggle, and I'm making this long weird post at 1:16 am after a week where I literally had a serious incident that should have warned me against abusing my health, I am proud of what I've done so far. Yeah. I am proud. And that's okay. I think I earned this little bit of pride. I don't doubt as often. I trust more. I just feel... Better. All the time. Even when my mind starts to go it never gets far like that anymore. I mean I have nagging stresses but don't we all- this is about the progress I've made as well as what else I have coming for me. It won't end here but I'm glad I've gotten this far.

I had help. And I'm thankful for that. This is a long post. I'm sorry to my friends and followers who will need to super scroll past it -hella selfish of me I know, I swear im sorry- I'm just... Proud. And I wanted to write something to remind myself that I did this. That I'm here at 1:21 am in a silent bedroom and I feel good. I'm doin fine.

How do I end this... Uh... Okay. Well, me, don't slack off now but... You did good. Hopefully in a long handful of months you'll post a follow up with what else you've achieved. Don't stress over it, you know you're loved now. You achieved step one. This is proof that it's not all for nothing. Next time you fall you have this to go back to and you'll know that you are doing okay. And that I have many spelling errors god-this-is-so-long-okay-ill-shut-up-now-bye!!!! And good job <3

[tethered-heartstrings]

Hello you ! I fell into the Hannibal fandom recently (yes even 6 years after the end of the show new people are still discovering it) and I was wondering if you could recommend some fanfics to read ? It's such an old fandom that I really don't know where to start. Is there some "classics" ? Fanfic that people are considering as very good one and that everybody should read ? Thank you !

Hello! You honestly aren't that late. The show has aged really well (even though it really is not that old), and even I didn't get into it until last year. I find a lot more people are "late" than people who have been around since the beginning.

I honestly hesitate to recommend fic, because it is such an expansive field. What I want to read may not be what you want to read, and if it is a shared interest, the reason why is probably very different. There really is nearly anything you can think of. Even if you like one theme/trope, most fics are a conglomerate of many different things, so you end up dipping into a lot of categories. If you know what things you do enjoy reading, use those filters on ao3 or wherever you read fic. You will learn what you really want out of a fic, and that may take some discovery. Even if you aren't sure what you do like, you will quickly learn what you don't like, and those can be filtered out as well. Set your filters, filter by most kudos/comments/views, and start perusing. Once you find what you like, you can choose to not have things listed by popularity so you can find smaller stories. Just because it is "small" doesn't mean it isn't good! If you find a story you like, check out the author's other works, or see if they have stories bookmarked and weave your way through.

What makes a story unique and sets it apart from others may often be the most controversial part of the story. Some people may love that aspect while others can't stand it.

I am really picky with my fic, and I abandon things that don't catch my attention fairly quickly. If you're like me, you'll go through a phase of being a bit fed up and reading a good fic, but still feeling like you wanted something else out of it, so then you just write your own haha. Due to my pickiness, I genuinely have not read all that much. AKA I haven't finished many because I'm just particular.

But seriously, its hard to recommend fic because what is "good" is extremely subjective. What is a "staple fic" is subjective. What's mind blowing and revolutionary is subjective. I think you will find your favorite stories searching on your own, because you know what you like best. You know what dynamic you want to read, the length you are willing to commit to, and what you want out of the experience. It's rough waters at first, it takes a lot of time, but then you end up finding more than you realize.

Sorry this wasn't really helpful. :/

[alexiela73]

Could I request Reinhardt, McCree and Roadhog with s/o who relapsed? I haven't self-harmed in months but relapsed today bc things haven't been so great... I just want to know what my boys would think of it. Thank you if you write this! I'm really sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. Nonetheless I hope you have nice weekend

Hello, love, and I can certainly try. I myself have not done self-harm but I have close friends who have. And I want you to know that your brave and beautiful, no matter what you do. It isn’t healthy, but we sometimes do what we have to just to feel anything. And the fact that you continue on living is matters.

Reinhardt:

Is a huge cuddle bug

When they say he is a teddy-bear, they mean it

All he loves is holding you 

The man worships the very ground you walk upon

Since meeting and falling in love with him, you have barely if ever gotten the urge to do self harm

Reinhardt makes you so happy, honestly

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t those days

Some days are so difficult

So emotionally draining

That you feel like a ghost walking among the living

Its so hard on those days to resist the urge

Usually you do, but at one point you can’t stop yourself

The cut feels so good. It soothes the pain inside you, and is easier to bandage then your poor heart.

“My love,” you hear quietly beside you and you jump

Shame fills you when you see your lover standing there

His eye is sad, and gently he takes your hand

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, unsure of what else to say. “I just…sometimes…”

Reinhardt shakes his head and kneels so that the two of you can be face to face

One hand cups your cheek, the other holding your arm

“I am not angry, my love. It just hurts to see you cause yourself pain. But I will not judge you,” Reinhardt says gently, holding you in his arms

For a moment you could only stare before you sniffled

It was so different, having someone who didn’t judge you for this

To have someone who loved you no matter what you did

McCree:

This cowboy loves you to pieces

Your his buttercup

This man loves to bring you flowers and chocolates

Or show up unexpectedly at your work place

Also likes showing off his pistol whenever other people flirt with you

Although you still did self-harm at the very beginning of your relationship, you haven’t in a really long time

Something about Jesse makes you so happy

So calm

The urge just hasn’t been there

And when it does, you think of him and usually manage not to do it

But this time, the day had been rough

You couldn’t escape the urge 

So in the safety of your bedroom you did it

It hurt, and you felt a mixture of both shame and relief

In the end though, you felt bad

So when McCree got back from a mission, you sat down with him

At first, you were hesitant to share

But soon the words poured out of you

How you had done self harm before, how it had helped you when nothing else did, and how falling for him had made you stop

How he always made you feel better

How you had given into the urge

After a moment, McCree asked to see it. You showed him your arm, the slice there from once of the razors in the bathroom

Gently his finger traced it and instead of getting angry, he kissed you

“Thank you for telling me. I appreciate that you trusted me with this,” Jesse had said gently. “Just, the next time you feel like that…call me, okay baby? I’ll do whatever I need to, to make that feeling go away.”

After a second you nodded and snuggled into his arms, glad he wasn’t angry.

Roadhog:

The two of you had a quiet relationship

There was a lot of love in it

You were probably the only one who ever heard him talk so much

And even that still wasn’t a lot

The two of you found peace in each others silence

And comfort in each others presence

There was nothing you could not confide to each other

Roadhog was aware of your self harm before you two started dating

Obviously he hadn’t approved

But he did not judge you for it

Life was hard. You did what you needed to

Although he didn’t ask for it, you promised not to do it again

And for the longest time, you haven’t

Cold turkey was easy at first

But lately its been a bit rougher and Roadhog has been on the road for a week or two now

You miss him so badly, and its just been hectic since he left

You couldn’t stop yourself

You sat in the bathroom, and felt guilty every moment

Guilty except for the moment when it happened

You ended up calling him while he was on the road

You cried, honestly

You felt so bad, like you had broken your promise

Would he be mad? The last thing you could handle was him upset with you

But there was a soft grunt before Roadhog spoke

“I could never be angry at you, y/n,” he said, voice deep. It was clear he’d taken off his mask.

“I didn’t mean to be gone so long. I’m almost home, okay? I’m proud of you, no matter what,” Roadhog said seriously.

It only made you tear up more. You cried until he got home hours later, and hugged you tightly

It was so good having him in your life

[radical-grape]

Tbh I haven't read much about essentialism also & most essentialist feminists on tumblr kind of scared me off (which is a me thing, I don't blame them) but do you think even if their arguments were true (currently reading), should we not /still/ try to create a society in which a coexistence of man and women is possible? Idk it's the 'they won't learn' rhetoric that puts me off. I kind of feel like most actually wouldn't .. but how do we know they won't if raised in an all fem surrounding?

Sorry it took me so long to reply to this! I just want to start by restating that I basically know nothing. I’ve tried looking up the arguments for the essentialist side but when i google “essentialism feminism” all i get is like basic “feminism opposes essentialism” blabla and when i googled separatist feminism i couldnt find any of the arguments about essentialism wrt men either and after that i wasn’t sure where to search. The tiny bit i know is just stuff i saw on tumblr. So basically if anything i say in here is wrong and stupid then please don’t get mad, I’m trying and want to learn, and if there’s anything anyone wants to correct me on then please do!

Anyway, since you asked, i will state my current opinion on the matter. Basically essentialists claim that men are inheritly patriarchal/evil/bad/whatever, and other feminists (reformists? idk) claim that men are only/mainly evil because of socialisation, and can be socialised to be good as well. The respective solutions (as far as i know?) are either living completely seperate from men and never interacting with them ever again (??? im really not sure about this part ive never seen anyone actually say it but its how i imagine it would be? please tell me if im right or wrong) or keep fighting to change laws, social ideas etc to step by step dismantle patriarchy and create an “equal” (/matriarchal? not sure if reformists would go so far to claim it should be a matriarchy, from what i’ve seen they tend to stay away from that word?) society. Obviously there’s nuances in the beliefs and solutions from person to person, but this is how i gather them to mainly be. 

I can’t say i 100% agree or disagree with either, but so far i definitely agree more with the essentialist/separatist side of the discussion. It makes sense that patriarchy can only have come about (in so many cultures all over the world) if men were already kind of evil. I do think socialization has a lot to do with it as well though: I don’t think men were *as* evil before patriarchy as they are now, i think the heavy socialisation wrt rape culture, pedophile culture, porn etc etc definitely very very strongly reinforces that initial little seed of evil lying within them. Thats why we can see that the way they express their masculinity/manhood/opression of women differs heavily from culture to culture and between periods in history (probably? i have no evidence to support this lol). 

So basically what I think is, yes, men do inheritly have a tendency towards violence, oppression, being evil, whatever. *However*, I do think that it is possible to overcome these tendencies, if, and only if, they are heavily socialised to actually be good people, AND if there is a system in place to assure that men will never ever get enough power to oppress women again (so basically a well enforced matriarchy?). This would then only leave the question as to whether or not we *want* to do the effort of taking power, establishing a matriarchy, educating men and keeping them in their place. That however would mainly just come down to personal preference. I think for lesbians mostly there would be absolutely no benefit towards living alongside men, though het women might still want to consider it. 

For me personally, it would be ideal if instead of having to choose between separatism and establishing matriarchy, we could work to create both. They both require women seizing power and resources, and after that we could start designing different communities, some mixed and some women-only. Like i don’t necessarily think they’re mutually exclusive. 

Just one last note though: i do think that reformism in the way it’s been praticed so far is ultimately not very useful. Instead of trying to gain power in things established by men, women should create their own (female only!) political establishments, gather their own resources etc. I don’t believe in simply making everything “equal”, women MUST have real power OVER men if they want to have a society where men are not evil.

Anyway its really late and ive had a rough day so i know this thing is all over the place, my language is terrible, half of my arguments are probably impossible to follow, i dont know if i even made any kind of point in this but yeah. Thats my thoughts on this subject. thanks for asking! :)

p.s. luckily most essentialist posts ive seen were quite informative and reasonable, however ive also come across some of them that were mainly just angry screaming online. i know it’s bad to be “tone policing” but as radfems i don’t think we should consider fellow radfems our enemies, and as long as reasonable we should try to speak to each other as friends/allies, constructively phrasing our arguments rather than shouting others down. So anyway i definitely get why some may have scared you off and i dont think that’s a you problem at all! I definitely think that’s a them problem, just as long as you keep in mind that just because they’re being rude doesn’t mean that they’re wrong per se. Just ignore them and try to find arguments made by people who are willing to be patient with you :) 

p.s.s. I’m probably gonna regret 90% of what i said in here later and regret 100% of the wording so uhh when ur inevitably roasting this entire thing pls keep in mind my brain was fried when writing this ok thanks