#i haven’t talked to a person in like almost a week idek what day it is today gamers

[have-another-drink-ray]

The collapse of my mental state and schizophrenic spiral put on fucking HOLD- started playing far cry 5 finally and sharky is a fucking BLORBO i fucking adore this guy he’s my new best friend

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 313: Deku VS Lady Nagant

Previously on BnHA: Hawks’s super-hot badass murder senpai Lady Nagant showed up to fire a cupid’s arrow into my heart, and a bunch of literal bullets into my son. Deku was all “oh shit it’s Hawks’s super-hot badass murder senpai, what do I do, let me think back to Hawks’s advice for a sec.” Flashback!Hawks was all “anyway Deku so if my super-hot badass murder senpai ever shows up you’re basically screwed so you’d better abscond the fuck out of there.” Present!Deku was all “lol idek why I flashed back to that conversation since I’m just going to do the exact opposite of what Hawks said” and charged directly toward Nagant because WHY NOT. Overhaul was all “waah I need to get back to my boss who I put in a coma out of love” and Nagant was all “jesus christ why did I even bring you here” and had a flashback to AFO who was all “ILU NAGANT IMMA GIVE YOU AN EXTRA QUIRK SO PLEASE CAPTURE DEKU FOR ME PLEASE AND THANKS” and yeah. Shit is all over the place right now and I love it.

Today on BnHA: All Might gets attacked by a pair of discount assassins and is all “Call an ambulance! ...BUT NOT FOR ME” and it’s really badass but also I really wish he would stop tempting fate like this. Lady Nagant is all “[casually flies around town shooting shit]” and I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t read an entire chapter of just that. Deku is all, “[gets shot (≥_<)]” and releases a giant Smokescreen which prompts En to show up. En is all, “( •᷄⌓•᷅ ) (⌣̀ Δ⌣́) ( •̀_•́ )σ (¬､¬) (눈_눈)” which I consider to be a high point of both the chapter and of my life. The chapter ends with Deku using the Third’s quirk to launch a bunch of random objects at Nagant so that he can jump up and grab her arm all sneaky-like, and I’m sure this is going to prompt another week’s worth of discourse that I don’t care about at all, but fuck it, I’m having a good time.

OH WE’RE CUTTING BACK TO ALL MIGHT WELL THAT’S NICE I GUESS. CONGRATS ON NOT BEING DEAD

you named your car??

you named it Hercules??

I love you so much??

please marry me you giant fucking dork???

lmao speaking of huge fucking dorks

who the fuck are you clowns. la dee da we’re gonna murder All Might with our synchronized spear attack!! I mean... they’re clearly trying their best... maybe I should just be nice and politely hype them up like All Might is so clearly trying to do

like okay, but we all agree that this is actually the least intimidating attack any of us has ever seen, right?? these guys zipped up their hoodies all serious-like and are trying to attack All Might and Hercules with their Walmart tiki torches, but just, no?? right?? like the only way this could possibly be effective is if they were trying to kill All Might with secondhand embarrassment

“those are assassins” this is a VERY generous assessment, All Might

OH MY GOD THE TIKI TORCHES ACTUALLY KILLED THE FUCK OUT OF HERCULES

[slaps roof of car] this baby can fit so many weaponized festive backyard lighting solutions in it

and yet, even after watching this with my own two eyes, I still can’t take these dudes seriously. idek what it is. anyways r.i.p. Hercules, I loved you a lot but I guess you weren’t actually a very good armored car were you

omg they didn’t know it was All Might??

okay 1) for a moment there I was like “oh hey maybe they’re not so bad after all” but then a moment later it was like “ah nope, they are.” like, that was an interesting .06 second emotional journey there. anyways 2) All Might you have my permission to kick their asses for this disrespect, and 3) anyone else all of a sudden getting “wouldn’t this be an interesting time for Stain to suddenly show up” vibes?? no?? just me???

(ETA: hmm tbh I’ve still got those vibes and they haven’t gone away lol. Stain?? you out there buddy?? do you want to be cool for just once in your life. ball’s in your court pal.)

OH SNAP ALL MIGHT ARE YOU REALLY GONNA DO IT ARE YOU GONNA KICK THEIR ASSES

PROTECTIVE DAD MODE ACTIVATED?? BECAUSE YOU KNOW I’M HERE FOR THAT SHIT, SO YEAH, FEEL FREE

omg he’s shouting at them about how much Deku has suffered lmao and they’re just like falling over from being scolded

so they have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about though, right? “SIR THIS IS A WENDY’S” well whatever, you killed his pet car so he’s in a bad mood now

OH MY GOD

LIKE, JUST SO WE’RE ALL CLEAR, THESE FOUR PAGES SO FAR HAVE MADE ALMOST ZERO SENSE. LIKE MAYBE 2% SENSE TOPS. BUT ASK ME IF I CARE. GO AHEAD AND ASK. I SAID GO AHEAD, IT’S OKAY. ...NO I DON’T CARE AT ALL THANK YOU FOR ASKING

(ETA: also, the more I look at this panel, the more I’m just like, why the hell would you phrase it like that though, sob. way to doubly tempt fate?? are you trying to give Horikoshi a challenge??)

and now back to Deku who is randomly bouncing around the city and narrating it to himself just in case he was confused about why he was doing this

who are you talking to Deku. but thanks we appreciate it

man you gotta love that overconfidence. the smartest guy in the world warned you away from this lady, so SURE, LET’S RUN RIGHT UP TO HER. “I APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT, FLASHBACK!HAWKS, BUT I’LL TAKE IT FROM HERE” well okay then!!

I think it would be funny if RHA.com put little Buzzfeed-style polls in between the chapter pages so they could survey people at random intervals as they read their way through the chapter. like, you finish this page and then there’s a little poll there asking “do you think Deku’s plan of catching up to Lady Nagant and finding out where Shigaraki is will work?”, and you click “no” just like everyone else and then nod as the results show that 97% of your fellow readers also picked “no”, and you chuckle to yourself wondering how many of the 3% accidentally clicked on the wrong option by mistake, and then you keep on reading

ANYWAY, SO

HOW’S THAT PLAN WORKING OUT FOR YOU SO FAR DEKU. nice kick, though!!

omggggggg

ouch

update: Deku’s plan not really working out. sources tell me my boy has been fucking shot. this is an ongoing story and we will keep you posted with the latest developments as they come in

wait what

feel free to explain to the rest of us what all of this “UNLESS...” and “THAT POSSIBILITY...” shit means anytime, Deku

oh lol did he realize she could fly??

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE, CNN’s John King reports that Deku is still fucked. eyewitness reports now coming in that Nagant is doing no-look shots and basically not even giving a fuck. sources described her mannerisms and expression as “sexy, but in like an effortless sort of way.” we will continue to bring you the latest

so now there’s basically an entire page of Deku being all “ah fuck so she’s basically closing in and she could already hit me with impossible accuracy even from Far Away, so if that’s the case then her being Up Close is probably going to be even worse!” making good use of that Big Hero Brain there, Deku

so now what, you’re doing some kind of spiraling kick thing?? how is that going to help

oh lol he’s using Smokescreen to create some cover. aww, good for you Deku you named one of your Smokescreen attacks

OH NO LADY DON’T TELL ME AFO DIDN’T EVEN FILL YOU IN ON THE BASICS

seriously, AFO?? you basically told her what Deku’s exact strategy was going to be but then couldn’t be assed to drop that little, small, barely notable piece of knowledge that Deku is rocking multiple quirks?? is it supposed to be a secret or something?? you dropped the ball here man

damn this is getting intense now

(ETA: the way En is poking Deku’s head in that first panel is fucking sending me, I love this guy so much omg.)

well then what are you planning, Deku?? I’m actually really curious!! I am genuinely starting to be invested in this fight scene not only in the “wanting to see who wins and how that impacts the plot” sense, but also in the “wanting to see how it happens because the choreography and strategy is actually pretty cool” sense, which honestly hasn’t happened for quite a while now! this is fun

anyway so what’s up Deku, are you going to use another quirk?? I’ve been speculating that he hasn’t actually unlocked the last two yet (since Two and Three didn’t exactly seem convinced when we last saw them), but maybe I’m about to be proven wrong

(ETA: well he clearly has Three’s obviously, but Two’s is still MIA, and that’s the one I am of course the most curious about. that’s the one we’re all curious about, let’s be real.)

OH SNAP???

AHHHH I’M HYPED LOL. ANOTHER SHINY NEW QUIRK LOL SHOULD I PUT UP THE USUAL DISCOURSE DISCLAIMER

(ETA: so yeah, after thinking on it, I’m not gonna say “please no Deku discourse on my blog” this week, but I probably will ignore any discourse that does come my way though, just because I don’t have much interest in getting involved in what would probably be a pretty repetitive discussion. like, I can just sum up my opinions (which is what they are) here instead. in fact here they are lol:

1) I like the SIXQUIRKS and I like seeing Deku be a badass.

2) I also don’t think Deku is too OP. more like he’s exactly as OP as he needs to be at the moment, given that we’re approaching the end of the series. I expect the other kids will also be pretty damn OP when we see them fight again. we’re just at that point now where they’re all badasses (as well they should be; they’ve grown a lot and they deserve it). it’s just that Deku’s the one we’re getting to see right now.

3) of course I miss Kacchan and the others, but for me this vibes much closer to the MVA arc where even though I missed them, I was still having a blast (as opposed to the dark days of the Basement arc where I was pretty much losing it lol). like, even though Kacchan’s my favorite, I still love Deku a lot and this arc has been amazing for him getting to shine on his own (for like the first time, really).

4) y’all know I love the OFA plot and I’ve never been shy about that lol. I like all of the Vestiges a lot. Banjou and his over the top personality; En and his “guy you thought would be serious and :| all the time but is actually hyper-animated and ALL OVER THE PLACE” energy; Shiro who actually is a :| sort of guy lol; Three who I still expect will be fleshed out in a more detailed flashback at some point; and of course Two, who, well. you know what I think about him lol. Bakuverse is still on the table and I’m still hyped. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we still have yet to see Two actually talk to Deku (as opposed to talking to the other Vestiges while Deku is distracted). did he lend him his power yet?? or is he still holding out?? either way it’s definitely going to be a Big Thing when it finally happens and I can’t wait to see it.

5) Lady Nagant is Everything and just because Deku grabbed her arm doesn’t mean the fight is over yet lol. Overhaul hasn’t come into play yet either. not to mention that even if the fight is over, the “where do we go from here” part still has me excited either way. her connection to Hawks and the HPSC is very intriguing and we’ve barely touched on that as of yet; she definitely has more of a role to play in this.

6) last but not least, I feel like every week the discussion is all about how much focus Deku’s getting, and how OP he is or isn’t, and OFA this and OFA that, but meanwhile I’m actually so invested in the character development here though?? the way Deku has distanced himself from everyone (except for the Vestiges, because of course they’re already dead so it’s not like they can die again lol)?? the way he’s pushing himself far too hard and we can see the shadows in and under his eyes, and the fact that he never smiles, and even All Might has remarked on how he isn’t taking care of himself at all?? the fact that he’s so single-mindedly obsessed with focused on stopping AFO?? the fact that he’s still the same sweet old Deku despite everything and was so kind to that fox lady with the umbrella, but there was also something so sad about that scene because it felt like a reminder of the type of hero that he wants to be, but that he’s not allowed to be right now?? because the stakes are too high and the world is falling apart?? and he feels like he’s the only one who can do something about it?? and that he has to be?? and that he is putting so much pressure on himself right now, and it’s absolutely too much pressure for any one person to bear, and I feel like no one is fucking talking about this lol goddammit.

anyway so yeah. I have feels about this, and every week that slow-burn angst is getting more and more intense behind the scenes, and I feel like it’s all going to hit a breaking point eventually. sooner rather than later. it really feels like a mirror of Katsuki’s post-Kamino arc. where all that angst was just churning below the surface for like twenty chapters and then it finally was like “okay it’s time” and it all came bursting out and we got the best five chapters of the fucking series (in my admittedly biased estimation lol).

basically, I know that most of fandom is billing this as either the “villain hunt” arc or the “solo Deku SIXQUIRKS fighting arc” or whatever. but for me, it’s always been and still is the Deku Angst arc lol. the cool fights are a sexy bonus (the worldbuilding less so because even though it’s interesting to see society at such a low point, it’s also very depressing and gets old pretty fast), but for me the thing that’s really keeping me engaged chapter after chapter is seeing Deku like we’ve never seen him before. seeing him all quiet and withdrawn and brooding and focused on AFO, AFO, AFO, and seeing that “he just doesn’t take himself into account” mentality taken to extremes. I am invested in that. I’m soaking up that angst each and every week, and I’m invested in seeing what comes of it. it’s a big picture thing. week to week this arc might just seem like a bunch of villain fight scenes, sure. but Deku’s emotional journey is the thread that’s going to carry this arc through from beginning to end, and for that I’m willing to be patient.

anyway that turned into a BIG OL’ RANT there but yeah! so those are my thoughts on the disk horse as it currently stands. and like I said, I’m open to discussion, but tbh I will probably just wind up repeating these same talking points endlessly so just a fair warning lol.)

anyway so Three says Deku has yet to use his quirk at ALL but now he’s trying to combine it with another quirk?? damn. also please check out En’s face here you guys

En launching a sneak attack up my favorite character list by the sheer power of his expressions alone. he really knows how to make the most of his screentime

OH DAMN DEKU

at this point the 3% from that hypothetical poll earlier are starting to feel prettttty damn smug, I’ll bet. well shit

what in the fuck

?? so like releasing his chi or whatnot?? isn’t that basically just like base OFA all over again?? also Deku did you seriously just apologize to Gran’s cape

update: Nagant has turned her eyeball into a gun

hm. hmmmmmmm. ...okay yep, still somehow sexy

anyway so she’s just floating up there building suspense, as one does. lord I sure hope she has good reflexes because something tells me she’s going to need them

OH SNAP HE THREW GRAN’S CAPE AS A DECOY WHAAAAT OKAY THAT’S SOME SMART SHIT DEKU

LOL SHE’S MAD NOW

JESUS CHRIST SHE JUST NEVER TAKES A GODDAMN BREAK FROM BEING AWESOME HUH

DEKU ARE YOU JUST THROWING EVERY DAMN THING IN YOUR INVENTORY

but without the cape and the hood how will you continue to look like an enigmatic badass. you really can’t. which means we might finally be moving on from the wandering nomad part of this arc, stay tuned

LOL YOU MANIAC

I hope he went full Kacchan with the dialogue there. his face sure looks like it lol. popped out of a building all mad fdskljlkj omg

well this was fun, shit. I still have basically no idea what Three’s quirk does though lol. like, can he use it to charge up objects with kinetic energy or something?? but then what was all of that talk about combining it with one of the other quirks?? or was that just because he was using Smokescreen at the same time??

(ETA: having seen and read an additional half-dozen explanations of Three’s quirk, I can say with confidence that I still have basically no idea what it is or does.)

anyway so!! Deku is a badasssssss but something tells me not to count Nagant out just yet even so. also I really enjoy seeing Deku flip out on people like he doesn’t have a fucking hole in his torso because it reminds me of A CERTAIN SOMEONE and I always love to see him channeling that feral energy; I feel like it’s been a while

anyways good luck to you both!! I truly wish that both of you could win. but if not, then maybe you can at least become friends instead. you have so much in common, you both can fly and have multiple quirks and you’re both badasses, and plus it would just be really funny to see the look on Hawks’s face lmao

[carrotmakar]

Not Going Anywhere Without You

Pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 2.6k 

Summary: When Y/N finds out that she’s expecting, she’s scared out of her mind. She doesn’t know how she’s going to get through it all. She doesn’t know if Harry even wants to be a father. Fortunately, Harry’s more than ready to take a step back from the stage for a while to start the family that he’s longed for his entire life.

Warning(s): unplanned pregnancy, nerves, pet names, a brief argument (idek if you could call it an argument tbh), fluffiness, dad!harry

A/N: this is one of the pieces that have been on my mind since i saw the dadathon that @tbslenthusiast​ is hosting!! Everyone should go read the masterlist of submissions and join if you want to!! Also a warm thank you to @taintedwonder​ and @sunflowers-styles​ for beta reading/getting me through writing the whole thing!!! and @havethetimeofyourstyles​ for listening to me tell her about how i cried writing/editing this (ily jill) !!!!! 

Masterlist | Taglist | Request - Guidelines | Come Talk!

Reblogs help a lot and are greatly appreciated!!

*

There’s absolutely no way that this can be happening. 

She stares down at the two pink lines on the pregnancy test and has to hold back the sobs that are threatening to overtake her. How could this be happening? No. This simply just cannot be happening to her. 

Except it is. She’s pregnant. She’s carrying the child that she and Harry have created together.  The truly awful part though? She doesn’t even know how to feel about it. 

Of course, she’s excited. She’s happy. All she has ever wanted is a family with the man that she loves, but she's also nervous. She has no idea how he’s going to react to this. She doesn’t know how any of this is going to work. He’s in the middle of a world tour and she doesn’t even know if he’ll be done by the time she’s due. 

Hell, she doesn’t even know when she’s due. She doesn’t know how far along she is and the amount of unknown facts threaten to send her spiraling. 

What if he’s mad? What if he doesn’t want the baby? What if she has to do this alone? She doesn’t think she can be a single mother.

There are so many unknowns and there’s no way that she can do this on her own. For the time being, however, she knows she has to figure this out herself.  She’s in  their house in London while he’s in the States performing to thousands of screaming fans every night. There’s no way that she can drop this news on him in the middle of that chaos.

No, she reminds herself instead that he’ll be home in less than a month and she can tell him then. It’s better to do these things in person anyway.

Fortunately, that also means that she has a few weeks to calm the nerves that are coursing through her entire body. She also has that time to figure out how she’s going to break the news to him. She can’t just come out and say “Oh by the way, hey, I’m pregnant.” Can she?

*

���I’m pregnant.” The moment the words tumble out of her mouth she hears the excited squeal coming from her mother. 

She needed to tell someone about the news, and since Harry wasn’t an option yet, her mother had  automatically been her first choice.

“Baby, I’m so happy for you!” She shrieks through the phone and Y/N can see how excited she is even though the FaceTime quality isn’t great. The image of her mother all but jumping up and down from excitement brings a beaming smile to her face. “Does H know yet?” 

That question causes Y/N’s smile to falter and her mom immediately catches it. “Why doesn’t he know?”

“Well he’s not here and I didn’t want to tell him on the phone, and I don’t know, really. I just found out the other day and I guess I’m just a little scared.” She’s trying her best to not tear up, and the newfound hormones are not helping the cause, but the lump in her throat is letting her know that she’s not succeeding.

“Why are you scared?” Her mother questions softly, trying to get Y/N to open up about what’s bothering her without pushing too much.

“I’m not sure… just scared he isn’t going to be happy with me.” She’s surprised when her mother audibly scoffs at her words. 

“Y/N, sweetheart. If you really think that he’s not going to drop to his knees the moment that you tell him you’re carrying his child, you’re delusional.” She lets out a light chuckle before continuing. “He’s so head over heels in love with you that there’s absolutely no way that he could ever be upset over something like that.”

“Yeah but what if he’s not ready? He said he had wanted to wait a bit.” The tears that she’s trying so desperately to suppress are beginning to pool in her eyes and she wants to kick herself for letting this get to her again. 

“Honey, H is the only person I know that is completely, without a doubt, ready to have children.” The first tear rolls down Y/N’s cheek as she observes the way that her mother’s face softens at the mention of Harry being ready to start his family. “Y/N, the moment that you break the news to him, his entire life is going to get a million times better.”

She nods and knows in her heart that she has nothing to worry about. She continues to converse with her mom for a little while longer, moving on from the topic of the pregnancy and Harry. Her mother’s words had calmed her nerves considerably. 

After the phone call ends she decides to text Harry; it feels like they haven’t been talking as much recently, and she feels bad, knowing that her nerves have partially been the reason for that. 

Hey babe, how’s everything going? Where are you this evening? 

His reply comes in an instant, almost as if he had been waiting for her text.

St. Paul :) it’s been pretty great here! The show was great last night! Haven’t really done much lately though, it’s just been hotel room after hotel room and show after show. 

The thought of him sitting in his hotel rooms alone, more than likely nursing a drink to calm his post concert adrenaline, makes a frown appear on her face. She knows how he gets when he’s away on tour and has to watch everyone around him pair off and go out to enjoy the city that they’re stopped in. He hasn’t been up for going out as much recently and, despite her efforts, she doesn’t know why. He’s usually always up for going out to let the adrenaline run its course, but every time they’ve talked lately, he’s just been shut away up in his room. 

Why don’t you go out and enjoy the city with the band, sweetheart?

Feels wrong to go out without you, angel. Miss you being here with me.

Her heart clenches in her chest and she can’t help but feel guilty. He had asked (more like begged) her to come on the North American leg of the tour with him. She had refused, thinking that she needed to stay at home so she wouldn’t have to take so many days off of work. Looking back on it, she probably could have taken the time off  and not had to explain. It was just one of the things that seemed to happen when her boss had found out she was dating Harry Styles.

I’m sorry for not coming with you :( I miss you, though. So, so much.

The awful feeling in her gut doesn’t subside - in fact, it only grows stronger. She suddenly realizes that if she had said yes, she would be with him right now. Not only would she be getting him out of those god forsaken hotel rooms but she also wouldn’t be withholding the life changing information that she has.

It’s alright, love. I’ll see you in a few weeks and then we can be together for a while. No worrying about tour. 

The prospect of him being at home for a while, possibly even more than a year, causes excitement to course through her veins. Maybe if he’s home for long enough to where he can start raising their child with her, then he’ll be happier when she tells him the news.

I can’t wait until you’re back in my arms, bubs. I miss cuddling with you.

She can’t see him right now but she knows that - most likely - he’s got that soft smile on his face that he always says is reserved for her. He always does so when he lets himself take a moment and think about cuddling with her. 

You’ll get all the cuddles the moment that I’m home. Promise.

Their conversation doesn’t last much longer. With the time zones being so different and the two of them being in different countries, with their sadness eating away at them.

*

She’s in his arms the moment that he swings the front door open. The force of the surprise impact knocks him back for a moment, but he eventually regains his balance and wraps his arms around her. 

She sighs in content at the feeling of  warmth radiating from his body to hers. He’s always been warmer than her, but right now, after he’s been gone for months, he feels warmer than all the blankets she’s tried to keep herself cozy with. 

“Hey, baby.” He mumbles into her hair, not making any move to pull away or even shut the door.

“I missed you so much.” He can hear the crack in her voice and he immediately squeezes her tighter. 

“Missed you too, darling.” 

She’s the one to pull away first. She unwraps herself from his arms and moves to shut the door behind him. She avoids meeting his eyes knowing that he’s already sensed that something is going on. She never pulls away first, and she’s afraid that he’s going to notice and ask her about it. Hopefully, he’ll just brush it off as the fact that the door needed to be closed or that dinner still needed to be cooked.

Of course, he doesn’t just brush it off. “Is something bothering you?”

She turns away from him and begins to make her way towards the kitchen. “I’m fine, H.”

“Love, please don’t lie to me.” Her breath hitches and her steps falter. That’s the last thing she wants to do  but she knows if she looks at him and tells him what’s really going on inside her head, she’s going to completely crumble. 

“I’m not lying to you, honey. I’m fine.” He scoffs at her words. He knows they’re not true, but he chooses not to push her too far. If he continues to pester her about it, she’ll close herself off to him and then there will be absolutely no way that he’ll be able to figure out what’s bugging her. 

“Do you want me to cook dinner, petal?” He comes up behind where she had stopped and wraps his arms around her from behind. She immediately leans into him and he knows that all she needs right now is his love. 

“I can do it, honey. You’ve been busy lately.” She hesitantly turns in his arms and peers up at him biting her lip. 

Now seems like as good of a time as ever to tell him.

“H, can we maybe wait a minute on the food?” She tries her best to not let her voice waiver but she knows there’s a slight wobble that won’t go unnoticed by Harry. 

“Yeah, of course.” He keeps his arms wrapped around her and waits for her to make the first move.

She stands still for a few moments, barely moving an inch. She inhales but it’s shaky and she feels the tears bubbling up to the surface before she can stop them.  She tucks her head into his chest as the sobs that she’s been holding in for weeks escape. 

“Shh. It’s okay, petal. I’ve got you. Just let it out.” He smooths the small wisps of hair on her head and slowly rocks their bodies back and forth. The gestures calm her and soon enough the tears start to subside. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” She sighs at his question and he’s scared that he’s crossed a line, that he’s asked too much of her too soon. He knows that he hasn’t, however, when she slowly nods her head and takes a step back. 

He releases his hold on her and she wipes the remaining wetness of her cheeks. She glances around the kitchen and Harry gently lifts her up onto the counter so that she won’t have to stay standing. 

“Um, so I have to tell you something.” She starts, and she busies herself with picking at her nails to avoid his gaze. “And I don’t want you to be mad, okay?” 

She still doesn’t look up at him, but she pauses, giving him the time to answer. After he hums his agreement, she takes a shaky breath and continues. “I didn’t plan for this to happen, I promise. I just… I don’t know… somehow it happened and I just… this is terrifying. And I’m probably making absolutely no sense right now, I’m so sorry.” She can feel the lump in her throat returning yet again and she buries her face in her hands to take  a minute to breathe.

Harry hasn’t moved from the spot that he was in. He feels like his feet are stuck to the floor. He can’t come up with a reasonable guess as to what she could possibly be talking about and it’s making him more nervous that being on stage does. 

“It’s okay, baby. Take your time.” He doesn’t want her to feel like she has to rush to get the words out. 

“Um, so, I know you’re on tour and you have a career that doesn’t slow down for anyone, which is why when I tell you this I want you to know that you don’t have to stick around for it. I can do it on my own, okay?” His stomach drops when she says that, but he doesn’t say anything yet. “I’m… I’m pregnant, H. Like I said, you don’t have to help if you don’t want to, you’re terribly busy, and---

“Y/N why would you even say that?” He tries to hold the harshness back, to not snap at her right now, but the fact that she thinks he wouldn’t want to be completely present in his child’s life makes him see red. 

“What do you mean?” She’s suddenly on alert, the tone of his voice taking her completely by surprise. 

“How could you even let the thought cross your mind that I wouldn’t want to be around? You know me, love.” He’s trying his hardest to not let his emotions take over because honestly, he’s not entirely sure if he’d start yelling or break down sobbing. 

“Harry, you’re a singer. Your entire career is touring the world. Singing is your dream, and there’s no way that I’m going to ask you to give that up.” She didn’t think that he would be offended by her giving him an out, but by the cracking in his voice, it’s clear she’s never said something more hurtful to him.

“Yeah, music is my job, and I love that. But my dream, Y/N, the thing that I want more than anything in this entire world, is you.” His voice catches in his throat and she finally looks up at him. He looks broken, like the things she said, the things she thought would help, really just ripped his heart into shreds.

“H, I really can’t ask you to give that up in any way.” She wants to give in, to say that everything will be fine, that he can take time off of touring if he wants. The rational part of her, however, the part that remembers asking him to give this up to any extent could make him resent her, fights against it.

“Baby, listen to me, please.” He pleads. “You’re not asking me to do anything. Regardless of whether or not you want me in our child’s life… which I pray to the lord that you do, I’m taking time off after the tour. I want to spend time at home, with you, with both of you.” He gently cradles her face in his palms and strokes her cheek with his thumb. 

“Are you sure?” She doesn’t want to keep fighting him on it. All she wants is to raise the family that she’s wanted for her entire life with the most extraordinary love. 

“Absolutely.” He promises.

He bends slightly so that his face is directly in front of her stomach. “Daddy's going to be here for you and Mommy every step of the way, bub.”

*

Thank you so much for reading lovelies!!!!! Again, reblog the pieces that you like and don’t be afraid to leave feedback!!

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[kyber-crystal]

marvelinsanity’s forever follows

okAy so i was originally going to do this at the end of december but. i got lazy and distracted (idek how that works lmao) and ended up forgetting ab it. but here are some of the people that helped make quarantine a little less shitty and a little more bearable—thank you for giving me a reason to get up in the morning. 

i’m sorry i haven’t been very active lately and how i’ve been kind of distant. things have been rough and i haven’t written anything solid in weeks and to those anons waiting for their requests to be done, i’m sorry :( i hope you’ll understand. 

2020 came with many ups and downs and more late night depression sessions than i’d like to admit—it hasn’t gotten any easier this year—but i wouldn’t change anything at all. among all of my accomplishments i’m proudest of the fact that i finally found myself, made many new friends, and discovered what i was truly passionate about—writing.

to be honest, i never thought i’d get to where i am now but i’m so grateful that i’m here. taking some time out of my day to lose myself in my imagination and actually bring those ideas to life has to have been one of the best decisions i’ve made. i seriously don’t know where i’d be if it wasn’t for each and every single one of you i’ve had the privilege of having on this (rather chaotic) little blog of mine.

special mentions to my star wars simp nation people for becoming my found family. i love you all more than you know. thank u for putting up with my endless shitposting LOL @obirain @rentskenobi @bo-kryze @karasong @fettymercury @xwingsandohs @etherealsanakin @meshlababy and to @prequelsnet and everyone on it for being so welcoming and kind no matter what <3

new mutuals! @goldensatine @cafeobiwan @labyrinth-runner @myriadimagines @honeyedfloral you were all unexpected blessings but i wouldn’t have it any other way. i hope we can grow closer & here’s to many more pleasant memories in 2021!! i appreciate yall a lot. really : ‘)

to my oldest mutual and favorite swiftie @speechlessxx i’ve been following you for AGES and i can’t believe i’ve been following you for almost a year—thank you for being my older sister, mentor, and best friend and dog mom all rolled into one. i don’t know where i’d be without you now because you literally were the one who inspired me to start writing and KEEP writing. OH also thank u for screaming over taylor w me

@arkofblake jess. ur literally the best person ever and i’m so happy that i found someone who matched my energy perfectly bc. i can fangirl over edits with you and not worry about being judged. thank u for ur hydration reminders too <3 ur super swag fam

more lovely people i would love to write an entire essay on but can’t because i’d break my hands doing so, quite literally asdfasdf @padawanlost @ewanmcgregors @padmeamidela @anakin-danvers @dindjarindiaries @chokemeanakin @stardust-kenobi @starryeyedstories @kelieah @guacas @lilbabycee @johnboyuga @margeaery @ahskatano @benjiiskenobi @jlhpotters @badbctch @obaby-wan @dearspacepirates @sithdust @marvel-dameron @ohhellokenobi @beskar-tano @duskholland @outerims @arynfrompogonia @wecallhimbrowneyess @yeinnefer @anakinswhore @alideetoo

to my international twin @propertyofdindjarin i love u and i’m grateful for all our chaotic facetime calls that we have and for the fact that you’re such a supportive beta reader. you never fail to put a smile on my face whenever we talk and it makes me feel so good knowing i can always come to you for advice. i don’t know how the hell you do it but literally every time we’re talking i get huge bursts of inspo—thank you SO much for that you have no idea how many times you’ve prevented me from falling into a permanent slump.

and last but most CERTAINLY not least. @poesflygirl holy crap where do i even begin. words cannot explain how grateful i am to have met you. i don’t know what i even did to deserve someone as wonderful as you but i’m so so so so glad you came into my life, took one look at me, and decided, “yup, i’m sticking with her” despite the fact that i was far from what a typical, ‘normal’ friend might’ve looked like to you. it feels like we’ve known each other for years even though our five month friendiversary literally just passed??? what??? it’s crazy how time flies. 

thank you so so so so so much to all 1.2k of you who decided to stay with me for so long. thank you endlessly for putting up with my bullshit and all my shitposting and my typically chaotic self. i love you all so so much 

[arsenicpanda]

So, I was tagged by the lovely @sullypants for this meme, like, two weeks ago, but I’m really bad at perceiving and measuring time, so I’m doing it now instead orz.

How many works do you have on AO3?

Five, one of which is a literal drabble, an exact 100 words, and ymmv on whether it should be its own fic.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

23,447, which is way more than I expected and and like almost a third of which is just chapter three of (ain’t it good to know) you’ve got a friend.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

So, like, back in the day, I wrote self-insert Sailor Moon fanfiction (I know, I know), but the only stuff that’s still up is Final Fantasy VII fic (including one on FFN that hasn’t been taken down solely because someone favorited it and, as someone who always gets bummed when a favorite fic vanishes, it’s forever up as a result) and Riverdale fic.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Broseph, I only have five fics up on AO3, but here’s the order anyway, from most to least:

(day)dreams can come true

wet dreams may come

(ain't it good to know) you've got a friend

Cancelled Plans

The Looming Fog and Other Strange Happenings

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do my best to, but, uh, I’m not great at it in terms of timeliness (I’ve certainly got some that have been sitting waiting for a response for months, and I’ll get to them eventually, I promise).  I’d like to think I’m pretty good at responding with substance though, when I finally get around to it.  Like, if you name a specific part you like, I will give you too much insight into that part.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Well, (ain’t it good to know) you’ve got a friend was originally going to have a very angsty ending, but a.) I changed that after a discussion with my friend and b.) it’s not finished anyway lol.  So, I guess wet dreams may come?  Like, I end it with a reference to that scene in End of Evangelion (because I had the opportunity for a parallel and it also shows Jughead’s opinion of himself, even though his actions are harmless, whereas Shinji’s...well.), and that’s pretty angsty, yeah?

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I mean, only three of them have endings, so (day)dreams come true, probably, because its ending is just very sweet (the third fic with an ending, Cancelled Plans, has a comedic end, so it doesn’t really qualify in the first place).

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Not normally, but I have written a mashup with the Lovecraft mythos, specifically as seen in the Arkham Horror boardgame; it’s The Looming Fog and Other Strange Happenings, and it is by default the craziest one I’ve written.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope.  I fly pretty under the radar.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yup.  When you include incomplete/unpublished stuff, probably like 40-50% of stuff I write will contain some kind of smut because I find it sexy, fun, and intimate, and I’d say it’s...explicit?  I’m prone to writing dirty talk, mainly, because I will forever love writing dialogue and think in terms of it; also, the fics I’ve published (and like two other incomplete fics that haven’t been published) skirt around portraying the actual act of sex from the POV of the ones having sex.  Idk, that part’s really hard for me (no pun intended).

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don’t think so. 

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope, and I probably never will because I’m bad at finishing things, and I wouldn’t want to have the pressure/guilt of working with another person and dragging down the completion of the fic.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

Lelouch/Shirley from Code Geass, 10000% THE otp, closely followed by Izaya/Namie from Durarara!!.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I’d really love to finish both my WIPs, but, uh, I doubt that will ever happen (I’m still completely stuck on the chapters that need finishing, and it doesn’t help that I have other fics taking up more space in my brain).

What’s your writing strengths?

I like to think I’m good at dialogue because I generally think in dialouge, but ymmv.

What’s your writing weaknesses?

Description and introspection, tbh, basically anything other than dialogue.  It’s just not how I think, so it often is something I have to fill in.  I generally have a solid picture in my head of what, exactly, is happening, but getting it down in words in a way that isn’t awkward af is v challenging for me.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think you should avoid it if you can.  I think it’s best to adhere to Megatokyo’s strategy of putting any dialogue in another language in brackets (either [] or <>) to show that it’s in another language; you still get the meaning, with no footnotes, and you don’t have to hunt down a native speaker and ask them to help write the dialogue correctly in another language or make the decision over whether to include end/foot notes with the translations.  I do allow for some foreign language terms in dialogue, but then I think I mainly allow that in Naruto fic, and it’s mainly grandfathered in from years of fandom.  Like, it’d be super weird to see a fic talk about techniques and not jutsu, y’know?  And is there anything more awkward than an “upperclassmen” in place of “senpai”?

What’s the first fandom you wrote for?

Sailor Moon, but the first non-self insert stuff was Final Fantasy VII.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I think (day)dreams come true is the best fic I’ve written, hands down.  It has the strongest emotional core and emotional progression.  I also just really like the ending.  But there are also a few lines and moments in other fics that I’m really pleased with; for example, the lunch conversation in chapter three of (ain’t it good to know) you’ve got a friend is one of my absolute favorite things I’ve written.

And that’s it.  Ok, uh, tagging (god, I’m so bad at tagging people, and idek who’s done this, so apologies for if you’ve already finished) @gettingjuggiewithit @imreallyloveleee @satelliteinasupernova @heartunsettledsoul and anyone else who wants to do this

[jae-canikeepyou]

| temporary | j.jh

pair: jaehyun x fem!reader

genre: angst?? idek what else to describe what i wrote (nonstop) but yeah idk you judge :D

a/n: i don’t want this to flop just because it’s sad hours.. jk! there’s 7.1k words down there but hey, angst could be good, but i don’t think this is well written because the structure writing’s meh. so aNywHo i hope what’s below could touch your heart? pls lmk! enjoy reading! ~j

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you hate this.

you hate the smell of some random sharp chemical scent stinging your nose, the bland flavours of each meal, the repeated uniform gowns put onto you like you were attending school again. well you were supposed to be until medical records showed you were sick. not dying but based on several incompatible matches and rejected cases to cure your condition, you knew the trail you stood on was heading there.

it was dreadful, knowing that the weeks turned to months— waiting sucked big time especially when you continuously had to cross out days without a specific date to look forward to.

“don’t worry y/n. this is all temporary.” was the only sentence your brother told you.

you hoped all this would be a hurdle to jump over, like another race to finish. running along the track line had its perks. you get to challenge yourself at the endurance you have while the time ticked and caused a rush of exciting adrenaline. the audience were cheering too. the downfall?

you were tired.

to the point you wanted to stop this illness so you wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. the track drawn out for you was neverending.

here’s the good part though,

jaehyun was with you all since the day you arrived, and cheering for you too— like your own personal health companion. the encounter with him was amusing now that you recalled it.

( three months ago )

you sat comfortably on the bed, still adjusting to the new yet familiar setting. “change into this gown, and i’ll assist you to the doctor once you’re done.” nurse kim, better known as jisoo, patted your shoulder before she tended to others in need.

“thank you.” you mouthed, throat still sore from crying because you didn’t want to be back in the hospital. though you really felt fatigue consuming you and energy was vacuumed out of your system, you forced yourself to change anyway.

not until your peripheral spotted a young man opposite from you stared at your body that was half way to exposing. he knew you were about to react, so he rushed to cover your mouth and managed to muffle out a scream trying to escape your lungs. “shhh! please don’t!” he pleaded and gosh how melodic his voice was for a baritone.

thank heavens this man was ethereal, or else you would’ve smacked him with your fists like any other stranger intrusion. he finally let go of you knowing you’ve calmed down. “hi? i’m sorry if i came off as perverted but i mean no harm! i’m friendly!”

“well hello friendly.” your sarcasm on point. “what are you doing in my side of the i.c.u.? there’s a curtain surrounding my corner and how did you get in here without my knowledge? i should be able to notice you either way.” you hugged your torso.

he crossed his arms at the tone of your voice. ”it’s jaehyun. my name’s jaehyun.” he corrected and sat at the end corner of the bed. “that’s kinda hard for me explain.”

“what’s hard to explain-”

“it’s like how it is to a math solution.” he said, his body adjacent to the window. “go on and change. i won’t look.”

you rolled your eyes and kicked him off of the bed. “ugh you’re a pain. i’ll be more assured if you’re out of here.” you took off your clothes and into the new fabric and observed his back figure. he had toned muscles denting slightly under his denim pajamas and white home slippers. he didn’t leave, just kept his word by not peeping at you.

the bed creaked softly alerting him of your finished action. “ah, you’re done!” he exclaimed and turned around in interest.

“what business do you have here if i may ask?” you went to the extent of covering yourself with another pillow.

jaehyun hummed as he rubbed his chin, dimples hollowing and prominent stubbs pricked his fingers. “i’m looking for something i left. it’s a keychain.”

“couldn’t you just go to the lost and found section?” you asked, shooing him away while you scrolled down your phone. again he didn’t leave. “how long are you staying?”

a sly grin crept his face. he leaned closer to you as if he were to kiss you. “as long as you want me to-”

“gross!” you slapped him but he read your actions, stopping your from pursuing. “just find the damn item and leave!”

“fine sheesh.” he shrugged and began searching it under the bed, crawling around to see if it was there.

boredom soon came and you tried to clear your mind from what just happened. you went to the camera icon to take a picture of him to show to your best friend. the viewfinder captured his fluffy hair, side profile with his dimples stapled to his cheeks. his lips were pursed and brows were scrunched. as you sent it, you laid back inclined to the bed, waiting for him to say ‘eureka!’ or ‘found it!’.

but he said neither.

your phone dinged soon enough that your eyes widened.

[09:03] yuna: did you see a cockroach crawling again? if yes then you’re a bad photographer 😆

you let out a long “ha?” and jaehyun looked up to see your face as sour as it could get. “what’s wrong?” he asked and sat next to you as if you both were close already. his face turned blank when his eyes looked at the phone, and he knew you saw his change of expression.

“this is what i mean it’s hard to explain.”

there was a long silence and then it hit you. it wasn’t sheer panic bubbling your lungs or fear overpowering your mind. more of a fascinated shock of a revelation. “y-you you’re—”

jaehyun smiled embarrassingly, scratching the nape of his neck. “yeah.. i’m a—”

“a ghost.” “an angel.”

“what? no! i’m not a ghost!” he shifted on the bed, furthering away from you at the comment. “ghosts haunts people. angels protects people.” his hand gestures explaining his current identity was hilarious.

the phone was on low power mode so when it dimmed, you tapped on the screen, the picture you took show no one but the floor and the bed’s corner. and you haven’t laughed in a while, this jaehyun was entertaining when he defended. “pretty sure that’s not how i encountered you earlier. you scared me.” you raised a teasing brow.

“it really wasn’t my intention.”

the sigh he let out made you laugh more, his surrendering whine would stay in your head forever. “were your wings removed, jaehyun?” you asked. “can other people see you? or am i the only one who can see you? oh wait. this is a million dollar question.” you brought your hands together and he definitely wasn’t amused. “are you even alive?”

he flicked your forehead and you swore there was a red mark on it. “yes. yes—well only children— yes. and.. no.“ he said softly, the latter expressed in sorrow and his shoulders slouched low. “i woke up at the rooftop of the hospital one day because of this soft blanket hugging my back, they were my wings. i knew i wasn’t alive anymore. so when i came to accept it days after, i wanted to try out flying around the city and jumped off the hospital grounds and i fell instead of flying.”

“pfft! what you get from trying out something you ain’t familiar with, fallen angel.” you covered your mouth in realisation but jaehyun wasn’t agreeing with your assumption. “literally you are?”

“i’m not that type of angel. maybe i have some unfinished business, i don’t know. but i’d like to think i’m an angel!”

you hummed, convinced enough at this event. “ah maybe because you left your keychain? that’s counted as unfinished.”

another strong flick numbed your forehead. “no? we can’t bring stuff to heaven.” he gurgled at your innocence. “you’re going to help me find the solution to gain my earthly memories and my unfinished business so i can go to the other side.” jaehyun held your hands, the grip strong yet soft all at the same time.

“why me?” you exchanged looks from him and the view outside. “i’m no expert in this field.”

jaehyun’s eyes twinkled; not in awe but in desperation. “you are the only person who can help me. i can’t rely on children because.. they’re children and they’re so young.”

well that’s common sense, y/n.

“i’ll help.” not knowing why you agreed, but your heart just ache for this beautiful man. he couldn’t remember how he passed, he seemed desperate too, and needed someone to talk to. maybe you could fill in that role before the time came for him.

“thank you!” he had his fists clenched, twirling around as he yelled out the window. “i haven’t gotten your name yet.” his hands fell faintly onto yours, almost a tingly feeling.

“y/n.” you took his hand for a shake, holding onto it dearly. “i’m y/n, nice to meet yo-”

suddenly, his lips kissed the area where he flicked you. “well my dear y/n..” he smiled. “..consider this contract signed. there are conditions, but we can discuss that later.”

life in the hospital starting today wouldn’t be too boring. he stood beside the bed with the most starstriking smile you’ve ever seen, celebrating his awaited desire. you befriended jaehyun and he wasn’t a patient or part of the medical staff. he looked at you with bliss; the sun illuminated from behind him and that really confirmed it..

no, he wasn’t a ghost. he was indeed a spirit.

or angel. he’ll probably prefer that way.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

your brother became more protective than he usually was. straight to the hospital for you was added to his tight schedule and even then he was able to find time to care for you despite that. if you were to talk about the best big brother in the world, he was definitely the first place even in another life.

“guess who’s here.” taeyong cooed and pulled the curtains as he entered your area in the i.c.u. he found it strange when you didn’t greet him with your handshake nor a smile.

he sighed quite heavily at the bowl prepared for you, it turned cold and he placed his bags on the chair beside you. “hey kiddo, you have to eat something, yea?” he brushed your strands away to see your welling eyes looking at the distance outside. the window was the only thing separating you and the world.

most of all, your social life.

taeyong looked back to the day at campus two years ago; he remembered how he rushed to the university clinic after his lecture, stumbling as his legs gave in seeing you with the same pained expression. he should be used to the sight, but each time you end up in a place he never wanted you to be in, it was like seeing it for the first time.

he also remembered how his eyes trailed to your arms that rubbed your mid back. the nurses calming you with words of encouragement that you’d be fine. you didn’t like how you caused him so much worry, maybe one more push he’d be exploding into flames because you weren’t getting any better.. or probably he’d lose some hair because of the stress.

“i.. don’t want to eat.” you weakly pushed the tray on the mini table above your thighs. “i’m sick of this place and i’m sick of being sick. i just wanna go home.”

he knew that certain voice you have which made his heart sunk, but he knew you too well that you missed his cooking. “i know, but it’s short-lived, your condition is curable and you staying here is temporary.”

uh-huh.. that word again.

“and i made you these.” the cushion of the bed lowered due to his weight, making you shift to him. “fried corndogs. added a little twist to it with johnny’s help with the sauce. eat it before nurse jisoo arrives.”

at the corners of your eyes, jaehyun’s lips puckered at the sight of food. this caused you to save a box for him. you gave him a wink and set that aside. you could feel his figure arching to sit next to you as he began eating his share.

“you’re more afraid of her than i am.” you teased taeyong, finally smiling. “get her number already or else i’ll tell her how you’ve been crushing on her since forever.”

“forever’s an exaggeration, sis.” taeyong picked the stick and handed it to you. “it’s only been three months.”

“and three months means your cowardice is really preventing you from doing that.” the crunch from the dish made him tickle you in all vulnerable places and you rolled your eyes remembering the warning of your body’s strength exertion.

jaehyun nodded in agreement, licking the mustard that stained his fingers. “yeah, that’s a coward right there. can i give him lessons?” he stated, and you nearly choked in giggles.

taeyong then checked his watch, pecking you a kiss which got you forming questions at the back of your head. “oh the time.”

you gently placed the devoured stick into the box and dove in other sticks for seconds— or thirds. “you’re leaving? you just got here.”

he gave a wink and tugged the curtains. “not yet. i’m doing what you suggested me to do.” he gestured his palms, indicating that he would attempt to actually get her number. “she’s gonna be off duty in five. later honey.”

focused on the meal, you waved at him as you continued eating. jaehyun scooted closer to you. both enjoyed the meal and he hummed a song; something he would do when his palate craved food from the world. “i still find it unbelievable that taeyong couldn’t see me.” he giggled while the crisp sound of the batter synchronised with yours.

“you mean how you’re finally able to eat actual food each time he comes here.” your voice almost bursting into laughs of mockery, but held them in since jaehyun has been helping you as well. he nudged you gently and ever so sweetly, a toast cheer from your meals.

“yeah, but it’s because we have connection y/n, i’m able to eat solid food. so thank you.”

being locked in an all white room prevented you from going outside, that was fine since jaehyun was there with you, you wouldn’t be that bored. the pact you created with him was so simple that you could memorise it in a second. his requests were you both would be together everyday, cater to each other’s needs, eat and watch some series he missed out or discontinued.

and in the three months being with him, days were getting better. he actually knocked down the walls of your thoughts of hopelessness, encouraged you during your sad hours and hyped you up when you have some rehabilitation sessions. medical staffs were shocked that for someone whose condition was clearly on the verge, the will to live was written all over you.

jaehyun appreciated the ideas you’ve given him; memories or events that he might’ve forgotten, or any category he used to love like sports / music. he mentioned he knew how his family looked like, but not their names nor his home address. so he couldn’t visit them. though there was little progress and countless of bickers regarding the matter, you both were getting somewhere on each ends. and in the midst of it, you had each other as support.

“does your family or ancestors have some kind of gift?” he sunk down with you at the inclined bed rest. “while taeyong might not have it, you do?”

“maybe, but i’m not sure. we don’t talk about these things.. of the unknown, ghosts and spirits and-” your jaw dropped when he bit the remaining half of the corn dog from the stick you held. “jaehyun!”

“how many times do i have to tell you i’m a guardian angel?” he immediately rebutted your clumsy referral while chewing deliciously. “specifically yours, so don’t deny my role for you.”

your heart skipped beats. the claim he just did was heartwarming, and it was the first he said anything nice since your introductions months prior. “w-who said you’re my a-angel?” you batted your lashes.

jaehyun pointed at himself and disappeared to somewhere you do not know where he’d go considering he wasn’t familiar within the city. at night it was always like this, at 8pm sharp, he’d leave without saying goodbye, leaving you alone. then he would return the next day, greeting you with the same smile. maybe being an angel had its curfew too?

but as the sun rose the following morning and the colours merged into the prettiest pair the city ever witnessed, jaehyun anticipated the minute he sees your eyes slowly opening then adjusting to the light of the day. your calm beauty had him awestruck. he never felt this way before, more so, it was the first since he became a spirit.

come on come on come on, he stared at the hand of the clock, just one more second—

“hey.” he froze once he heard you and hesitated to turn around. “this is a new look on you.”

jaehyun shyly did so anyway, ears red that his planned surprise for you ended up failing. “do you like it?”

the long hums of your morning voice was more nerve-wrecking than waiting for the time to reach its end. “like? i love it! you look fresh!” you complemented him in all honesty.

until today, he wore the same denim pj’s and lets not question whether he does change. what struck you was that he wore a simple white tshirt with denim jeans, pairing them with a brown suede ankle boots. that wasn’t the key point of his fashion today.

rather, he topped his attire with costumed angel set; a halo and wings. when a proud smirk appeared, it got to you that he was really handsome. “sweet. oh i got you breakfast.” he tossed two sandwiches, carefully wrapped yet your nose could smell its delish filling.

“thanks.” you accepted them. “i didn’t know angels have their allowances.”

“we don’t. i used your cash.” jaehyun said, playing with the change coins. he flinched for cover, your hands in attempt to hit him.

you pinched his cheeks with the support of his hollowed dimples. “i told you to tell me if you’re going shopping with my money! is the costume included too?”

“i was supposed to but it seemed like you were having a nice dream!” he poked your forehead and there was no chance to fight back because for one, it was part of the contract. “and i’m sure it’s a nice one..” he trailed off, pointing at the small drools on your pillow.

his dimples started to show and you couldn’t resist its existence. “be thankful you’re really cute. anyway, did you ask children to do it for you again?”

jaehyun scratched the nape of his neck. “yes, and i treated them in return. who are you texting?” he hovered over you.

your lips straightened to a flat line. “i’m talking with jinho. he said he’s coming but you know men, they sometimes break promises. he’s probably not going to come again today.”

jaehyun didn’t know why his heart squeezed, if it was for how you were treated unfairly or if it was just him. he wasn’t in the position to feel this way towards you. yet because it was you— someone he spent three months with— he thought maybe it was normal to have such feelings. he visits you every single day, cared for you, be with you when your boyfriend not once ever did.

the thing was, did he have the right to keep these unexplainable bubbles of emotions in his gut? it wasn’t like you belonged with him anyway. just why did jaehyun hate it when your lips utter jinho’s name when he never acted like your beloved?

“why are you still with him when he doesn’t show affection for you?” jaehyun pat your head in comfort.

“maybe because i love him.” you typed on the screen to message him, yet stopped a while when he said those words. he was right, if jinho truly loved you, he’d be here already. so you stayed silent instead and divert the conversation. “oh this can help your memory! about love! did you perhaps have a girl-”

*zing!* sharp stings pierced and came to jaehyun’s temples like arrows.

he held the pain in as he didn’t want to worry you. “i’m gonna head out for a bit, y’know fresh air.” he swallowed his own saliva, hoping you didn’t hear it. he didn’t mean to be rude and disappear at you like that. his chest squeezed again at the thought of you with someone else.

he didn’t know what love felt like until now.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

it was unexpected.

jaehyun never imagined he would fall for you so soon, or ever thought of you nothing more than a friend who’d help him go to the other side. if he had to describe the relationship you both have, that’d merely be a boss-client kind of thing. yet he still knew that there was a connection despite him not being human anymore. there were frequent playful nudges and he waited half a year to be able to communicate with people. you were special.

special in a way that you treated him like he was alive again. you didn’t care about whether people would give you stares as your silhouette seemed like you were talking to yourself or someone they couldn’t see in the naked eye, or how nurse jisoo and taeyong would ask why you didn’t eat all of your meal only to save the other half for him. he was spoiled by you, where it was supposed to be the way around. sometimes he wondered if he was the right angel to look after you. in the end, it was him who initiated the contract and you complied without hesitations.

as if he were to watch a movie— except he wasn’t— pictures flashed before his vision, from a blurred quality to a clearer one. it was short, yet it was not enough to tell him what they were. maybe it was a memory, but he couldn’t put the scenes together.

he rubbed his eyes and felt the light gust of wind from children running through him with a ball in their hands.

then another fragment came to his sight, the sting of his temples ache like ones in the room. bright lights from the memory have blinded his eyes before it was replaced by the sun’s rays.

what the heck? he thought.

—

jaehyun kicked the stones that were separated from the cracked concrete ground. the way the stones rolled was identical to his churning stomach. he wondered how you were doing and later smiled to himself when he saw you waving at him from your window.

his palms were brought out to wave back except your lips didn’t utter his name. it was jinho, who happened to behind him; holding flowers.

of course.

he forgot about it for while; you have a boyfriend.

by this time he started to question if angels or spirits actually do have feelings; romantically. televisions never specified this fact. taeyong appeared in his field of view, who successfully asked jisoo out on a date. since when did hospitals served as a love spot? clearly his mood changed, but seeing you noticing him and waved at him, he decided to apologise for cutting you off earlier.

and he wished he shouldn’t have entered the i.c.u, from the door entrance the curtains were slid to the bedside. you were embraced in his arms, held onto dearly. he saw the tears rolling down your cheeks. a bouquet of flowers wrapped around your fingers. not wanting to intrude or ruin the moment, he turned around to give you space. it was your personal life after all.

he thought that maybe if he were alive, would things turn out differently if he met you? he would probably treated you better if ever.

jaehyun leaned against the door frame of the i.c.u. the human him would tell him he was definitely heartbroken witnessing that. he was supposed to be happy for you; you were improving mentally, recovering physically even if it was slow. your boyfriend finally visited you.

speaking of the said person, he felt jinho’s figure leaving the room, brushing past and through him. so he looked back at you, who was staring at him with a weak smile.

were you okay?

then tears brimmed at the edge of your eyes.

yeah, you definitely weren’t okay.

“y/n?” jaehyun called out and approached your bed, being the curtains to a close and sitting beside you afterwards. “what’s wrong? why did jinho leave so soon?” he pointed.

your face went pale and though ordinary people would know it was due to the illness, jaehyun knew it was about something else. he held your hands, pulling you gently for a hug. it was still funny if you think about it; how you could hug an angel physically. “we called quits. it was mutual though, don’t be too shocked.” you fixed your chin onto his shoulder and felt him tense at the revelation.

“why? you wanted him to come over and he did. you should be happy.” jaehyun stared into your swollen eyes, cupping your jaw to wipe the fallen tears away. “he gave you flowers, hugged you.. what’s lacking?”

“that wasn’t a normal hug.. it was a parting one. jinho told me he couldn’t take it.” you began, leaning more into his touch. “he doesn’t like that he’s incapable of helping me get through all this. seeing me suffering was too much for his heart.”

jaehyun’s fists balled and you could see them shaking. his eyes turned darker the more you explained. “so he was thinking of himself more than he thought of you?” his tone raised and you flinch at the volume. “where’s the mutual in that, y/n? you agreed to his selfishness even if you’re hurting so much?”

“it is mutual jae.” you sniffed, sitting up properly to expound further. “for the past three months i’ve been wanting him to come here because i wanted to break up with him. i wanted to tell him that he should get used to..” your voice trembling and jaehyun held you close. “..that he should get used to not having me around anymore. i fell out of love. so if there’s anyone who’s selfish, it’s me.”

“what.. are you saying?..” he asked softly. “it sounds like you’re giving up.” referring to your existence around the people you love. “are you giving everything up? all we did to improve your condition?”

a sob escaped your lips and you covered your face because you couldn’t look at him in the eye as you answer. you didn’t like to appear weak to him than you already were. “jaehyun, when you disappeared, the doctors came and said there was no kidney donor. it’s finalised. they’ve contacted local and overseas hospitals and none were of my match. i’m getting sicker each day and i really appreciate the motivation you’ve given me and there’s nothing left in my soul to fight any longer.”

“no no no no. please me tell me you’re not serious, y/n.” he begged. “tell me that you’re going to rethink about it and have the will to live. tell me that what we both signed up for will not go in vain. we worked hard together. we helped each other, we went through thick and thin. tell me that your decision is not permanent.”

“and what? you’re going to tell me my condition’s temporary too? if yes then you’re just like taeyong and nurse kim jisoo.” you laid back down and stared at the window.

jaehyun was about to speak when you started to sniff again. “everything that’s happening to me is always temporary.. nothing ever stays.. no one ever stays.. taeyong’s visits are limited, my personal nurse is always busy.. and what hurts me the most is that our time together is temporary too. soon enough you’ll go to the other side.. you’re only the friend i have now.”

“hey..” he cooed and now laying down beside you, wrapping you in his arms as you sunk more onto his chest. “..don’t say that. i-i’m still here.” even if he said that, jaehyun knew that that was false; that day would actually come, he just didn’t know when.

you turned to face him and hugged him tightly, sleep starting to get to your system. “when i met you, you became more of a boyfriend than jinho ever did.”

he caressed your back and you could feel the vibrations from his soft laughs. “look, i’m sure jinho did his best to be your boyfriend. and if i was your boyfriend.. well you’re talking about a guy who hasn’t gotten a single clue of who he is nor have his memories returned. my unfinished business is still a blank page. it may look temporary now but i guarantee you, i know you’ll have that new transplant, it’ll be-”

“that will never come.. i’m dying, jaehyun.”

jaehyun hummed in disagreement. he was fuming but he tried his best not to show it, that will contradict with his role of being your guardian angel. “tsk, say anything further i’m really gonna flick your forehead.”

you chuckled since it reminded you about the first day. “i mean, if i don’t make it, that would mean i get to be with you. it’s not temporary anymore, right?”

he bursted in scoffs of disbelief and you could tell he was playing around at the same time. “what? do you wanna be with me so much?” he questioned, flicking your forehead. “i wouldn’t mind having a side kick though.”

“i’m kidding, but truth to be told, you’re the best angel anyone could ask for.” you fixed the crooked halo headband for him. “no wonder children loves angels.”

“you’re acknowledging i’m an angel now, huh?” he messed your hair. “if children loves angels, what about you?”

*zing!* jaehyun shut his eyes closed. an unclear image of him locking his phone; its wallpaper of him and his parents.

tsk why am i feeling this again—

“i’ll say yes if that’s what you want to hear.” you challenged. jaehyun squinted his eyes open, to you it was pretty obvious it was what he wanted to hear.

jaehyun pinched your cheeks to awake you from reality, once again setting the memory aside. “we can’t date. i don’t want to be a rebound.” he stuck out his tongue, making you mirror the same. “you’re human, i’m an angel.”

“technically a ghost but i’ll take it as a self-proclaimed angel.” you shrugged, a curve appearing at the corners of your lips. “anyway, should we continue watching-”

the curtains separated which made you and jaehyun jolt in shock. “y/n!”

taeyong’s voice echoed the room, glad that most patients were asleep and he threw himself onto the bed. jaehyun got up, letting your brother hug you. “they were wrong!” he cried in tears of joy.

“they messed up your records. your condition was identical with another patient’s!”

you saw jaehyun giving him a look you think would pass as a meme. “what is he saying?” he asked.

“what are you saying?” you blinked several times at his shaking hands and hoarse hiccups.

“you have a donor!” he exclaimed.

jaehyun’s smile grew and as he walked towards you, he held your hands to squeeze them in congratulatory. “well, what did i say y/n? told you it’ll come.”

the pain on his temples faded it always did, but it was something he experienced quite often in the past days. he couldn’t figure what it was.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

almost everyone in the room observed how anxious you were, the fiddles of your fingers and the constant biting of your lips that they could bleed any moment now. you were moved to a new room and jaehyun poked your cheek to gain your attention and to snap out of your daydream. a satisfied grin plastered on his face when your eyes locked into his.

you thought maybe the heavens probably heard his words. last week, he did say the transplant would come, and it did. soon later, you would be having an operation; a new kidney to function. you waited for this for so long that just thinking about it, you’d probably cry again.

seeing jaehyun stare into the panorama of the city before him had your chest tightening. it wasn’t good nor bad..maybe you were just nervous that the reality of all this was actually happening. he was glowing compared to most days; and it’s not due to the sun adding extra illumination to his figure. it was like the first day, his greeting was awkward but it became something you’d never forget.

the medical staff left after briefing you, injecting anaesthesia so you could meet your slumber. taeyong messaged he would try to arrive as soon as he could, and you were assured by the time the operation’s done. now the room was silent, all you could hear was jaehyun’s shoes clicking on the marbled floor. his hands grabbing yours to comfort you.

“scared?” he asked with faint dimples trying to boast. you nodded. “you shouldn’t be. you’ve waited for this for so long. everything’s gonna turn out fine for you. and i’m here, guarding you as usual.”

you wrapped your arms around his neck, and he responded by holding your waist, sinking in deeper into the embrace. “i’m not scared now. i don’t know how different it’d be if i hadn’t met you- well, you introduced yourself first before i did, so..”

your eyelids suddenly began to drop, the drug soon kicking in. “y/n, when you come out of that room, only half of the contract’s completed. there’s still mine to go.” he said, laying you gently on the bed.

“i know. it’s just everything seems to happen so fast.” you admitted sadness, because that always was in your head since the news broke to you.

“do you have any questions before you sleep?” jaehyun propped his elbow onto the side table, fascinated how you were still trying to keep yourself awake just to converse with him. “about me. because who knows if you would remember me once you’re conscious again.”

“why would i forget my angel?” you giggled, eyes closing. “hm.. i was going to ask you this but you ditched me haha.”

“oops. sorry about that.” embarrassed, jaehyun rubbed his chin just recalling that day.

“i wanna know if you knew how love felt like. do you remember?”

*zing!* red lights circled around in a container orbit, its center rotating as if it was signalling.

jaehyun was stunned and out of words for a while. the same feeling came flushing to him as you both talked about love before. of course he knew what love was. you made him remember. love was like sailing on a boat at the open ocean before stumbling upon something so beautiful that you couldn’t take your eyes off of. “yeah i do. why?”

although you felt that you’re close to drifting to dreamland, an urge in you wanted to tell him why. “because you asked me if i ‘love’ you.”

*zing!* the clock striked 8. it doubled and tripled in vision, moving in a static way.

jaehyun felt dizzy and nauseous. please just stop..

holding the stinging pain in and ignoring it, he leaned closer. “do you now?” he asked, a sly smile creeping his mouth. “if you’re to ask me, i do love *zing* you.” he heard you manage to let out a giggle. “i love to enlighten you when you’re down. i love talking with you and stealing your food. basically just everything about you.”

“hm, same. like platonic love.” your hands find your hold his.

“mhm. platonic.. lo-” he paused due to the continuous throbbing, and gave you a little squeeze despite the hurt he had been feeling recently. hesaw how you didn’t reply, your breaths heaving softly and calmly. his smile broke out as this always happened whenever you held onto him.

what he couldn’t say out loud was that what he felt for you the entire time wasn’t a platonic love.

he really loves you like you’re his.

—

heavy pain awoke you from unconsciousness. you tried to open your eyes without letting the light blinding them. the first person you saw was taeyong and jisoo, their bodies almost covering your pan of view. your eyes craved to see jaehyun, your chest drummed fast when you couldn’t.

taeyong looked worried, brushing the strands from your face. “are you okay? do you feel any pain?” his palms caressed your face.

you didn’t answer, yet the tears wanting to fall have met its end. jisoo quickly left to find the surgeon and taeyong followed to fill in paperwork. where was jaehyun? why wasn’t he here with you? he always appear before you as soon as your eyes flutter open. you were so used to seeing his face and that you were assured he’d be there.

more than two hours have passed and jaehyun still hasn’t shown himself. so far into the day, you’ve eaten porridge, changed a new set of clothes, had a few conversations with taeyong and jisoo, and watched the series alone. even then you waited for him to come. now you were left alone briefly again. you tried to sit up or incline the bed.

“if you needed help, call my name. did you forget me already?” jaehyun’s body assisted yours by acting as a support. “you shouldn’t move too much, y/n.”

jaehyun felt his torso like he was hugged by a koala. “i thought you’re gone. i didn’t see you when i woke up..” your voice soft and hoarse.

“i was here the whole time, behind jisoo and taeyong.” he said, puzzled by how late you noticed him.

“stay with me for a while.” you requested, and he followed. “i love how you’re always here.”

again, sharp stings hit his temples. fragments of past memories came flushing to him. they were still monotone, but this time they were clear enough to see what they were trying to portray. was it how he passed? there were people pumping his chest, people holding his hands dearly.

even without seeing his face, you could feel jaehyun was uncomfortable. he didn’t know why the pain was frequent. “is something bothering you, jaehyun?” you pulled away, and you were shocked to see him switching from solid to translucent; like he was flickering. “hey, why are you-” you reached out for him, but your hands failed to hold his. they passed through him like he was gas. you couldn’t feel him anymore.

“y/n..” jaehyun gave a painful look, something you’ve never seen before. “i think i’m fading.”

you arched your brows and lips parted at that certain sentence you thought you’d hear in the far future. “why? our contract is not done yet.” you replied, still attempting to at least touch him again. “we have yet to find your unfinished business.”

jaehyun knew what this meant. he knew what was happening. he felt stupid for not telling you sooner. “maybe it’s already revealed, i just haven’t acknowledged it.” he saw his limbs flickering then fading, taking turns of the two. he was worried, but he somehow felt safe.

it was hard to understand what he was trying to say. each word that came out of his lips were shooting your heart like daggers. you clenched your clothes by the buttons of your pajamas, tears forming then falling. “w-what do you mean? are you leave-” you quivered though you didn’t want to show it. “how long have you known?..” the reality of it now seeping into you.

“i’ve known and realised it for a week now.” he said, forcing his lips to smile, to appear unaffected. “whenever the word ‘love’-” he groaned at the pain again, bending down slowly. “..’love’ is mentioned, i feel this rush of mixed pain and happiness. i think it’s related to what i have left here on earth.”

“i knew you were acting strange, but i thought it was nothing because you’d looked fine.” you asked, trying to get off the bed to go to him. you wanted him to explain further because none of what he said was processing in your brain right now. “you seemed fine..”

“the reason why you could see me was because you’re the person who will make me remember what love is.” he held your face, and all you felt was a tingling feeling from his touch. “when i was alive.. i was a stubborn boy who only cared about himself. i never had a relationship, never appreciated the love my parents given me.”

“if you remember all this.. did your memory show you how you.. died?” you looked at him and he gave a smile, almost a parting one.

“yeah.. it was the first hint.. i was late for my basketball championship match. i was texting my parents to come to the game while crossing the street.” jaehyun chuckled, a bitter one and people could tell if they actually heard him. “i saw i was rushed to the ambulance, the sirens alerting everyone.. i was wheeled into the e.r.. i guess you know what happened next.”

then he broke down, arms bringing to his face. “..i couldn’t tell mom and dad i love them..” jaehyun weakly came forward, pulling you into his embrace. it was confusing that he could touch you, but you couldn’t. no matter how much you wanted to give him comfort like he use to do with you. he held onto you, as if he didn’t want to let you go.

“why didn’t you tell me what you’ve been feeling? why tell me now, jaehyun?” you tried to cup his face but to no avail they still went through it. you’re practically begging him to give you reasons why he had to hide it from you.

the shakiness his pupils did have shown he was scared. “i didn’t want you to feel sad about me. that’ll only destroy the joy from the news you received.”

your palms dropped to your thighs, breaths hitching and let out uncontrollable muted gasps. “i am sad now! i’m sad that you’re leaving me-”

his touch calmed you. “i never really got to say this because all we ever did was to support each other but.. i really, deeply, from the bottom of my heart.. thank you, y/n. you taught me how to love again, in the little things and..”

“jaehyun..” you sighed heavily and eventually cried with him, heart tugging your strings until they snapped.

“..and maybe that’s my unfinished business.” his smile was definitely forced.

and you did the same. “i’m glad i was able to help.. i’m glad you’re able to find what love is. but if you could love a person again, i’m sure they’re very lucky.”

hearing him let out hurtful laugh and sniffs became often as you told those words. “you are lucky you’re loved by an angel. i told you i love you, right?” his arms went through your body, then his entire body moved back like he was magnetised to something he waited for.

it was time.

you felt the same kiss on the forehead for the final time.

he saw how you wailed, craving for his embrace, like a child looking for a mother’s touch. what ached him was that you couldn’t see him anymore. the cries became louder, taeyong ran to you, thinking you were still hurt from the operation. he was an angel, he should be strong for you but all he felt was

hurt.

he shouldn’t have left your side at night. he should’ve stuck with you like glue. he wanted to spend longer time with you.

what hurt him the most was he should’ve known that three months was temporary.

your eyes caught sight of the man you stayed with you. because of him, you got to find out a lot about yourself when you were vulnerable, things that had to be dug deep in order to find that hidden gem. in the past minute you couldn’t see him. but now he was floating in the air, glowing more than usual. you smiled painfully because he still wore that stupid halo and wings, and the letters you’ve written that you hoped he wouldn’t see but he actually did.

taeyong and jisoo’s words of comfort did nothing on you, as you saw your angel jaehyun drifting further away from you. you reached out for him and he did so too and,

he smiled for the final time, tears visible and they rolled down his cheeks. “i love you, y/n. so so much.”

you cried harder and clenched onto taeyong, not caring whether it hurt him or not. your brother gave a confused look, shocked to see how much your frail body exert such sorrow.

“me too.” you wanted to tell him, yet it wasn’t close to a whisper.

you hate this.

you hate that the only person you’ve just grown to love departed from the tip of your wavering fingers.

you hate the word temporary.

[hatsukeii]

So I was talking with @trashcanweeb right

Talking thirsting over fluffy dom daddy Tsukishima

And I was just mentioning how I was gonna do soft Tsukishima

And she was craving for post-breakup Tsukki

👀👀👀

I think you know which one I chose to do

Let me channel all my pain into this

I might actually end up crying while writing this:D

I apologise in advance

Three months // Tsukishima Kei x reader

Word count: 1600+

Warnings: Angst??? Is that even a warning at this point lmao learn to expect it from me at the worst times

Summary: Tsukishima can’t deal with change, at least not in this form.

“They say the emotion that breaks your heart is the very one that heals it.” Three months ago, Tsukishima would’ve never even thought about the possibility that this shitty, cringy, fake deep quote that he poked fun at so much with you, would somehow become relatable. Three months ago, he would’ve still had a tattered, but intact heart. It wasn’t as if you didn’t know how much even the tiniest betrayal could impact him. You knew fully well, which only added to his misery. Trust? Every little shred of that is long gone. Three months ago, he trusted one person. Now, he can’t trust anyone. No. He simply won’t anymore. Not a day has passed by where he didn’t stare at you hopelessly. Whether it be in class, or from across the hall. He should be mad. Pissed. You were an absolute asshole. Calling you an animatronic dick equipped with balls that was bought off of an eighty year old man in an alley would still be an understatement. Regret, resentment, the bitter disgust of being absolutely played and fooled whilst everyone watched, and yet, he still can’t find a way to stop loving you, even if it’s slowly draining him from inside. Tsukishima never gave much thought to heartbreak, nor did he care. He was good with his emotions, it couldn’t be that bad. Three months ago, the possibility would’ve ceased to unnerve him. However, that isn’t so certain now. He’s terrified. How long will this constant, mental, hell, last for? A few more months? Maybe a year? Only time will tell, and that doesn’t sit right with him. What upset him the most, was how you didn’t even make an effort to explain yourself. How the hell did you expect him to react when he overheard your friends pitying him? Unaffected? How could you even have had the audacity, to ask Yamaguchi why he looked “depressed and suicidal”? How did he manage to fall in love with someone like you?

“Tsukishima! Eyes on the game! Stay focused!” Daichi’s voice resonates through the sports hall, catching everyone’s attention but Tsukishima’s. His eyes are glued to the stands, scanning every single face that was present. The sound of the volleyball slamming into the ground fills the court, cheers from the opposite team booming through the large area as the crowd cheers together. Golden eyes frantically dart from stand to stand. Although he knows what reality is, his mind simply refuses to accept and give in. He still wants something, anything, that can show that you were there, like usual. His mind was empty, your name rerunning like a shitty mixtape as his eyes droop in the familiar disappointment. “Oi, Tsukishima, that’s the third block you’ve missed in a row-” “Daichi, don’t.” The third year freezes, feeling an icy cold hand on his shoulder as he turns to meet the blond’s best friend. Yamaguchi’s eyes show the sympathy he has for his friend, desperately trying to get the captain to lay off. Even the freckled teen can’t understand the middle blocker now, despite being the closest to him. The past three months were gruelling, with Tsukishima being completely depressed and out of it. He stopped waiting for Yamaguchi at the school gates, ignored everyone’s texts, never picked up his phone, and most importantly, stopped trying in practice. When you went up to ask about Tsukishima looking “depressed and suicidal”, Yamaguchi was tempted to strangle you on the spot. However, he didn’t want to waste his boba tea. “Are you serious right now? You’re one to ask, when you’ve been nothing but fake to him for almost half a year! No shit he’s depressed right now! You’re an absolute bitch. You don’t deserve to apologise to him.” You were taken aback, easing your hands out in an attempt to calm the green haired boy down. “Dammit, I know I screwed up Yamaguchi. Just...” Your eyes darted to the sky for a moment, trying to form the next sentence. “Just don’t be mad at Hinata. Tell Tsukishima not to be mad at Hinata. Please.” Now this. This was exactly what made Yamaguchi pop a vein, and hurl the entire plastic cup at you, letting it bounce off your torso and spill everywhere. “Shut up. Tsukki isn’t as shallow as you are. You’re terrible.” And with that, he stormed away, leaving you shocked and humiliated as other students approached you, curious about the commotion that was caused.

Another loss for the Karasuno team. They haven’t won anything in three months. Daichi was gradually getting anxious, as were the rest of the team. No one seemed to pay much attention to Tsukishima, of course, except Hinata and Yamaguchi. Hinata has been feeling terrible, despite none of this being his fault. He doesn’t reciprocate any of your feelings. He only found out through Yamaguchi a few weeks ago, and he hasn’t said anything to the blond since. His usually stupid insults were silenced, anything even the slightest bit offensive to Tsukishima being muted out by himself. Tsukishima was never mad at him, oh no. Hinata was not, and still isn’t at fault. He thinks it’s stupid how the ginger is still apologetic, despite all the times he’s told him not to worry. Time and time again, Yamaguchi and Hinata would convince the third years to understand how Tsukishima “isn’t in a good place right now”. So far, the only person that has figured it out is Sugawara. His mom instincts are far too strong to not sense it. Since then, he’s joined the two first years in helping Daichi cool off whenever he got agitated by the middle blocker’s “less than ideal” performance. 

For three whole ass months, all Tsukishima would do is go through everything that marked your relationship. From old text messages, to the selfies that he tried so hard to delete. Everything that you were a part of felt... fake. As if it never happened at all. All the “omg ilysm”, “you’re amazing”, “Kei, sweetie” texts still made his heart bounce around his ribcage like a hare on crack. It was both painful, and heartwarming. When a hare jumps around your ribcage, expect the bones to break too. He would regularly trace his finger around the selfies, trying to reimagine all the times you two spent together. One of his favourites, is the one of you in his jersey after a game. Were you faking then? Were you even cheering for him? He couldn’t hear any cheers, or maybe he was just too busy breaking his fingers in the court. Who’s to say she wasn’t cheering for the ginger haired spiker, who she ended up infatuated with? Were any of those dates genuine? Was her mind even on himself? How pathetic of Tsukishima. To think that trusting someone would ever lead to something good was the biggest mistake he’s ever made. He trusted his brother. He looked up to him. Look what that led to. Then he trusted a girl. He gave her everything he could. He spilled his feelings, teased her, comforted her, reassured her when times got rough, pulled his heart out and let her handle it because he couldn’t do it himself, and what did he get in return? Betrayal. Yet another betrayal. How many more people are planning to turn on him? Hm? Maybe Yamaguchi? Perhaps his mother would reveal that he was adopted? Those two are the only people he thinks he trusts at this point, and that trust is slowly fading as well. He never understood the difficulty in pressing a delete button until three months ago. His finger hovers above the trash can icon like he’s done so many times before, tempted to press it. Erase the memories, regardless of whether they were fake or not. It’s as if an invisible force pulls his hand back at the last second, making him rethink everything all over again. Is he really ready to trash these photos? Would he really be able to manage himself without you? Why were you the only good thing that has happened in his despair filled life? Night and night again he would imagine you saying the things you text him. You might not have meant it, but it never hurt to imagine. His tears get caught in his eyes every time he does that, but he does it anyway. He doesn’t care if it hurts anymore. Everything hurts. Might as well get hurt by love over and over again, at least that’s somewhat interesting. 

Tsukishima knows that there’s eventually going to be a time where none of this matters anymore. It’s going to take a while, but he simply can’t stay in this depressive loop forever. He knows it’ll get better. Everyone that knows about this has been trying to reach out to him in some way, but to no avail. They should definitely be more concerned than they already are. Tsukishima is not good at emotions. He has no idea what he’s doing as he takes one of his mom’s beers from the fridge and gulps it all down, almost throwing it all back up at the disgusting bitterness. He hasn’t been sleeping at all, thoughts constantly clouding his mind. He’s been terrifyingly hard on himself, making deprecating comments about his personality, his looks, his skills, all to make him feel bad. Maybe he deserves it. Maybe he just wasn’t good enough. That might’ve explained why you went to another person without even giving it a second thought. Despite all this shit piled up on him, he still manages to say one thing to himself every single night. He might be crying, he might be drunk, he might have just shattered something. But without fail, he will say this. 

“Please, three more months only.”

Why is this so shit I don’t understand-

Idek anymore I just made myself depressed writing this

I hate it yaaaaaas

It’s SO BAD I CANNOT WHAT IS THIS???

Tags: @trashcanweeb @sunshines-and-tatertots @izzyphantomgamer @emsvegetables @inlwlevi @just-another-bored-writer @burnt-tomato @justachillgirl @eleiaisagoodgirliswear @kaylacinderella @random-fandomlover @for-ests @bokutokoutarou @poppirocks @tiger1719 @thirstyvolleyballhoe @sakusasgarbage @animebsposts @tiredgr3mlin @mariechan123 @itmekisuu @iwaigroomi @talks-a-lot-of-stuff @agentvicinity​ @ewfilthymundane​ @macaronnv​ @artsamber @sneezefiction @xonfusedsoul

[nineteenseventeenbarnes]

Good Thing

Pairing: Bucky x OC x rest of the Avengers Genre: idek Word Count: 2457 Warnings: n/a

You sit on the kitchen counter in your PJs, sipping your tea and scrolling through your phone. You look up when you hear someone walking into the kitchen, and you greet Nat good morning when she waves at you.

"Up to anything today?" Nat asks as she pours herself a cup of coffee.

"Pepper told me there's this amazing cake shop that just opened last week on Fort Street. Might go check it out," you answer her as you continue scrolling through your phone. There was an eye shadow palette by Anastasia Beverly Hills you really wanted, and you were looking at which store closest to the cake shop had it in stock to grab one on your way back.

"You're going alone?" Nat questions and you know she wants to see if you have a date. You look at her and roll your eyes. She knew what that meant.

"I can't believe you, Y/N," Nat sighs. "You're young, have no family left, have zero interest in men or women, how can you be so contented with your life?"

"Nat, we've been through this," you remind her in a sing-song voice. "You guys are my family, remember? And it's not that I have zero interest in people; I'm just not interested in relationships."

"So whatever is going on between you and Barnes is considered nothing?"

"Yes, Nat, it's nothing," you tell her. This was probably the 20th time you've said that since you and Bucky started sleeping with each other casually. One night, you wanted someone to warm your bed, Bucky offered, and so it began. "It means nothing, trust me."

"How do you know that?"

"Because..."

"Because?" And right on cue, they hear a door open and slam shut before a half-naked Bucky walks into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Buck," you greet him, passing him an empty mug. "Chloe's over?"

"Mornin'. How'd ya know?" he asks you before popping his neck and making his way over to the coffee machine.

"It's 11AM on a Sunday, you're usually up by 8, and you only get up later when you have company," you explain, jumping off the kitchen counter.

"Didn't know you were so interested in his life, Y/N." Nat teased.

"Observation skills, hun," you wink at her before turning around and heading back to your room.

Nat didn't miss the way Bucky watched your retreating figure, and at that moment, she knew.

Two hours later, at precisely 2PM, you emerge from your room and make your way to the lounge where Steve and Bucky sat watching the Sunday news.

"You look nice, Y/N," Steve compliments as you pop yourself next to him on the sofa, not missing the new coat or make-up you had on. "Got a date?"

Bucky tried to ignore your presence when you walked in the living room, but at the word date, he focused on the conversation you were having with Steve.

"Nope," you tell him, popping the P at the end. "Just spending some me time."

You bid Steve and Bucky goodbye after receiving a text from your Uber driver and make your way downstairs.

"Looking good, Y/N!" Tony calls out as you two pass by each other on your way to the elevator.

"Thanks, Tony!" you get to add before the elevator door closes.

"Is she going out with someone?" Tony asks Steve and Bucky.

"She said she wasn't," Steve answers Tony. "You think she is?"

"Probably not, she always looks nice when we're not on missions, nothing new," Tony shrugs before making his way to find Bruce in his room.

Bucky groans as he hears his phone ring. Steve throws his friend a sympathetic look as Bucky picks up.

"Hey."

"Baby, are you free this evening?"

"Chloe, you just stayed over."

"I KNOW, but I miss you."

"Steve says there might be a mission tonight, I'll see you another day." he doesn't even wait for her to reply before he ends the call.

"Must be tough having a girlfriend," Steve teases Bucky, who looked like he wanted to rip his hair out.

"She's not my girlfriend," Bucky mumbles with his arms crossed, focusing back on the news reporter on TV.

"Well, it's even tougher to be pinning someone who doesn't even like you back," Nat adds, coming out of nowhere and joining to two on the sofa.

You walk into the brightly lit shop. The counter was lined with almost 50 kinds of different cakes and you couldn't wait to try at least 5 of them.

"Y/N!!!" you hear someone call out from your right. You turn to see Chloe in line to order.

"Hey, Chloe," you greet as she waves you over. She had been seeing Bucky on and off the last 2 months, so you two were acquainted. Bucky had told you they were just seeing each other, so you still occasionally slept with him. If Chloe knows or not, isn't any of your business.

"What a coincidence! Did you come alone?" you tell her you did come alone, and she offered to sit with you.

Both of you sit down with 10 slices of cakes to share and start chatting. It was the first time you've exchanged so many words with her and you were beginning to see how in love she actually was with Bucky.

"So, Y/N, enough about Bucky and I," she giggles. "What about you? Seeing anyone?"

"Not really," you honestly tell her. "I mean, I sleep with people occasionally and I think it's fun to talk to randoms on Tinder, but other than that, nothing serious." "You're so gorgeous though, Y/N," Chloe tells you, a pout on her face. "Bet you have the people you sleep with waiting for your every command."

You laugh at her statement and sip your tea quietly.

"James Buchanan Barnes!" you call out when you return to the living quarters of the compound. "We need to talk!"

"Full name doesn't sound good," Bruce mumbles as he, Tony, Steve and Bucky hears you call from the dining hall.

"That's our cue to leave," Tony tells Bruce and Steve before dragging them both away.

"BARNES IS IN THE DINING ROOM!" Tony shouts loud enough for you to hear before winking at Bucky and disappearing with the other two.

Bucky gives you a small smile when you enter the dining room and you give him a smile back. You drop a take away box in front of him and sit on the seat across from him.

"It's for you, I know you like cheesecake," Bucky peeks into the takeaway box to see 2 slices of cheesecake.

"Thanks, Y/N." he grins.

"And Chloe knows that too," you add.

"Excuse me?"

"You haven't been very fair to her, Barnes. She's clearly madly in love with you, but you brush her off like she's just some random chick from a bar."

"She fell for me too fast," he mumbles, stabbing the cake with a fork and taking a bite. "I don't really like her."

"Well damn, Barnes," you shake your head. "Stop leading her on then!"

Bucky just stared at you. If only you knew the emotional conflict he was going through, you wouldn't be saying these to him.

"I think we should stop sleeping with each other till you figure things out with Chloe, Buck."

It's been a week since you last spoke to Bucky about anything personal. You tried your hardest not to make things weird, but the owner of a particular pair of steel-blue eyes refuses to let you play it off as nothing. He'd try to walk up to you and talk about what had happened, but you kept playing it off. You've started avoiding missions altogether now too.

"Hey, Y/N," Steve greets as you enter the kitchen one morning.

"Mornin', Steve." you greet back, pouring yourself a glass of coffee.

"So, there's a mission tomorrow and I was hoping you and Buck-"

"Sorry, Steve, I promised to help at the pet shelter tomorrow," you tell him with a smile and walk out of the kitchen.

"Not like you can tell her no, she's helping animals," Nat comments as she walks into the kitchen after listening in on the conversation.

"Why is this so difficult?" Steve mumbles, running his hands through his hair.

"Maybe because you're meddling," Nat tells him while walking over to the counter and pulling out a pan.

"I'm just trying to help!" Steve defends. Nat shakes her head before getting back to her eggs.

"Y/N, can we talk?" Bucky asks, grabbing your wrist as you pass by him in the hallway.

"Yes, Buck?" you face him, a fake smile on your face. "What can I help you with?"

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not," you let out a chuckle, lightly pulling your wrist from his grasp. "I've just been... Busy."

"Y/N, please-"

"No, Buck, you please," you finally break the facade and tell him. "Stop messing with other people's feelings. Chloe is such a nice girl, and you made her think-"

"I called it off." You stare at him, trying to process what he said. 

"Excuse me?"

"I stopped seeing Chloe."

"Oh my God," you shake your head at what he said. "Did you at least lay it down slow? Or did you just ghost her?" Bucky didn't say anything.

"Unbelievable." you mutter.

"I like YOU, okay?" Bucky finally admits. "It's always been you!" 

"Goddammit, Barnes! That's not what we agreed on!" you yell out before walking away.

The next few days were unbearable. Word of you and Buck's falling out had gotten to the rest of the team, and they didn't want the team falling apart. You had always been the friendliest one, the one that acted most ordinary, and that gave them a sense of normality too, but the last few days, you've started to pull away, and that kind of scared everyone. Nat might have thought meddling was unnecessary, but she began to meddle too.

By week 2, you've had it. Stark had thrown enough parties and organized enough team building activities the last 2 weeks to last the year, Steve and Nat had tried to get you on as many missions with Bucky as you could, and everyone else has tried to get you to sit next to Bucky at every meal.

"That's it," you mumbled after dinner one night and headed back to your room. The rest of the team was confused, but Wanda knew what was about to happen.

"Hey, Y/N?" Wanda called out, knocking the door to your room. "Can Viz and I come in?"

"Yeah," you yell as you continued to pack your clothes.

"Where are you heading to, Miss Y/N?" Vision asks, looking at the suitcase on your bed.

"Away for a bit, Viz," you tell him with a smile. "I was thinking of sipping some coconuts in the Bahamas or something."

"That's a far place to go to sip coconuts..." Wanda mumbles, a sad tone to her voice, but you knew she understood.

"I think it'll be good for the team if I went away for a while, Wanda," you tell her, pulling her into a hug.

"But Miss Y/N, does Mr. Stark know?" Vision asks.

"Viz, there are somethings Mr. Stark doesn't have to know," you tell him.

The next morning, the whole team woke up to an unoccupied room at the end of the hallway and a handwritten letter on the kitchen table.

"Dear World's Mightiest Heroes," Steve reads out loud, chuckling at how she addressed it. "You guys, I don't know where to start. But also, before I start, hand Wanda a tissue because she probably cried all night, and it's probably gonna happen again."

"Wait, you knew?" Tony exclaims, looking over to the brunette and cutting Steve, who was reading the letter, off. "You didn't stop her?"

"Don't blame the poor girl, Tony," Steve continues, reading off the letter before Wanda could defend herself. "Did I assume what he was gonna say right? Anyway, none of you blame yourselves for what happened, please. I chose this path, and it was inevitably gonna happen, ask Bruce."

"I- what?" Bruce mumbles, thinking about what the letter had just said.

"Has she ever said anything to you about leaving before?" Nat asks him, her eyes getting teary.

"She mentioned wanting to live somewhere deep in the mountains or on a secluded island before... Would that be it?" Bruce questions.

"Keep reading," Sam tells Steve as he glances at Bucky, who looked deep in thought.

Steve clears his throat before continuing. "I'm still deciding between going to live in Bhutan, buying an island in the Bahamas or getting a house built in Africa -"

"Wow, nice flex, Y/N," Clint snickers.

"Where did she get all the money?" Tony mumbles.

"We get paid for missions, Tony," Nat reminds.

"Yeah, but not enough to buy a private island? Or build a house in freaking Africa?" Sam adds.

"Yeah, well, she used to take some of your photos candidly and sold them to fanboys and fangirls online," Nat nonchalantly adds in.

"Yeah, I remember that she made tons off of those," Wanda nods.

The rest of the team stares at the two girls in disbelief. Unsure on how to process that new bit of information.

"Steve, the letter?" Bucky reminds, finally speaking up. He wanted to know everything the letter contained.

"Can we please try to minimize the interruptions?" Steve tells the team before glancing back at the letter. "No one should feel sad or upset that I've left. I came into the team as a temporary when Rhodey was unwell, and all of you extended your arms and welcomed me into this family with no questions asked, especially Thor, and I will forever be grateful for that. The feeling I had when Steve asked me to officially be part of the team? Best feeling in the world, I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. But even then, I had told Steve I would leave the team eventually, he knew I would."

"All in all, this isn't about who was the reason for me going away," Steve continues as Bucky glances out the window. "Or if you guys weren't worth the blood, sweat, and tears for, but I just wanted to be a bit more selfish and think of myself. You all know my history with HYDRA, I think I've done enough good for this world, I think I deserve this retirement. I know Tony can find me effortlessly, so can Clint and Nat, and I won't blame you if you do, but please remember that I chose this for me. I already have a good thing going for me, so don't tell me I can have better."

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so i was reading one of those lame “10 red flags that are long term relationship no-no’s” or some dumb shit listicle articles where some points on the list are actually legit and some seem a little banal to a point. this one, being an example to also call out my 14/15 year old self for screaming at clear braces boy when he updated his relationship status and sent teenage me a relationship request back in 2010/year 9 (please mind that i actually didn’t hold the same feelings as he did. but it was one of those stupid forced high school relationships that a whole year group thinks should happen bc two kids just talk to each every fucking day because they’re J U S T G O D D A M N E D F R I E N D S for fucks sake):

like on some levels, sure. NOT going “public” on your relationship on social media could be a red flag.... but generally???? i don’t think it is, especially when so many of my old friends barely update their relationship statuses (like they have it hidden or still list themselves single bc like who cares, right?).... or even post photos/statuses of themselves with their s/o, unless it’s a big thing like buying a house/land for a house, getting engaged, their wedding etc at all anymore.

hell, it’d be hard for someone to “go public” on social media with me as a partner.... considering the fact that i’ve never bothered with making an instagram account. i’ve deleted my snapchat and don’t think “snap scores” etc count for anything in making healthy relationships. like how dumb can you be (unless of course social media is your job) basing your relationships on snapchat scores and/or instagram likes or doing couples social media challenges??? or retweet amounts??? like really??? that’s a fucking recipe for jealousy and couple self-doubt and comparisons etc right there, bud.

why document every part of your relationship on social media???? okay, sure. if they don’t post ANYTHING of you together; maybe that’s a problem for some people???? but honestly. i personally wouldn’t mind that. bc god. do we really need everyone nosing in on our relationship business, dude??? like really??? i don’t want people gossiping about us or whatever the fuck idek. or i don’t want to be that absolutely nauseating couple that posts photos on every social media platform like every fucking day or whatever being all “i love you so much babe you’ll always be my 🌏!!!!” to the point where like 90% of your friend/follower lists block you bc you’re just that irritating. basically this is what i went off at clear braces boy for in year 9 tbh.

just idek. i think the “not posting your relationship status on social media” and “not posting generally of you on social media” would differ person to person. bc i don’t need you to perform your love for me on my social media feed, bro.... like some dating show such as idek, love island? that’s not how you prove to me that we’re serious??? although i might get hate for this considering that i’ve never been in a relationship (bar the one mentioned above) so what would i know???

but at the same time, like it’s kinda banal doing these things by your mid20s right???? like i’m not 14 anymore. we should keep our relationship private bc you know how social media is these days.... even just generally even with people you know. like i sometimes play guessing games with who has a partner or whose broken up with their partners or whose getting married etc on my own fb feed or lurking through old friends who deleted me/never had me on social media in the first place profiles to see how they’re doing and who they’re dating (if they are). like..... it’s weird man.

and it’s even more concerning if you’re a social media person like a youtuber or a popular instagrammer (or instagram couple) or popular twitter account person or whatever. like people can be so fucking awful to famous people’s/accidentally famous people’s partners with like sending death threats or whatever..... that why would you even BOTHER posting about your relationships when you get those creepy asf fans doing that???? like idek man.

and finally when you think about those memes that say things such as:

- “yeah miss/mr he’s/she’s etc etc my world!!!! who’s your new “world” this week? like, damn bitch. are you building a fucking universe each week?”

or

- “gonna call up all my tinder matches at once to see if they’d like being on the bachelorette starring me!!”

or

- “tagging your crush in memes like “these cats are us: i’m the little cat and you’re the big cat” to drop MAJOR HINTS 😂🙃. am i right ladies????”

or whatever other garbage dating meme tweets that you can think of... because if you tag someone on them, on some level, you’re showing your relationship with the person anyway??? like obvs it’s not a lot. that’s a given. but people can read so deep into that sometimes and think you’re dating the person or something when in reality you’re just friends.

for example, i always get asked about two dudes who like/react to my fb statuses quite often and who i tag in memes often with “uh. yeah. what’s actually happening there???” by my best/close friends and i’m like “honestly? i have no idea. but i’ll keep you updated”. but if someone i’ve known for ages, but has never bothered to reach out to me for like 10 years, just randomly dropped me a dm to ask about this sitch i’d be like “yeah janina, thanks for your concern. but like.... we haven’t spoken in years???? idk why you suddenly think my love life... or even my life in general past “i hope she’s doing okay”.... is your business all of a sudden” like idk guys. social media is so fucking invasive and weird and toxic in so many ways to relationships that anything can be taken out of context. and don’t even get me started on the memories throwback function that could take you down some terrible roads (like if you were in an abusive relationship or something) if you never delete shit from your profile.

yeah. anyway. it’s bleh. and i don’t think that your partner not constantly updating your relationship on fb or being awkward about updating their relationship status or whatever the fuck, should be considered a red flag in some sense; and it can mean different things to different people. what i’m getting at is: why can’t we have privacy anymore?

people can feel free to call me shady or whatever. but i’m not being shady in any way, shape, or form. i’m questioning whether people really need to air their relationships in full (no matter whether they’re genuinely reciprocal and love filled; or unhealthy and unrequited- like my stalker back in years 11/12... and also clear braces boy).... and/or at the end of a relationship... air any or all of their dirty laundry through their social media feeds. it’s unhealthy asf that social media rules our lives that much. and that it seems almost to be a fucking requirement to share EVERYTHING about your life on social media to whoever, whenever. finally i’m saying that showing your love has become almost like a competition against other couples going “official” on different social media platforms by updating their rs status or tagging each other in their posts or writing corny lovey-dovey statuses with the starry eyed couple in a photo underneath. like ugh. i hate it.

[semisemieita]

dude i just liked 1/3 of your posts at like 3 AM and im so sorry Are you still doing the prompt thing? :0 if so, can I request no. 23 (“Do you hate me?”) with Goshiki and Ushijima?

bruh i highkey haven’t written anything on this blog for like a year so idek which prompt post this is coming from but anything for u, my love

i also don’t rly romantically ship ushigoshi so there’s probably not gonna be much romance in this i hope u don’t mine ~~

Goshiki, for a while now, has admired Ushijima. Who wouldn’t? He was everything Goshiki wanted to be while simulataneously being everything he wanted. Strong (the ace, for god’s sake), reliable. Handsome in a rugged, charming and stoic kind of way; almost like a shoujo manga love interest.

He never really talked to Goshiki all that much, though, something that proved to be the cause of a great deal of stress in Goshiki’s life. 

Ushijima was known for being rather tight-lipped but he talked to Tendou-senpai and Oohira and Semi-senpai like it was nothing. He didn’t understand it; what had he done wrong? 

“Shirabu-san,” Goshiki drawled out, sprawling his long limbs across his desk. Shirabu glared at the younger. 

“You asked me to help you study,” he replied, pointedly, voice full of venom. “I’m leaving if you’re not going to pay attention.”

Ignoring this, Goshiki continued, “Why doesn’t Ushijima-senpai talk to me?” He turned his head, mushed against the cool wooden tabletop of his desk, to look out of his dorm window, wistfully. “What did I do?”

“What are you talking about?” asked Shirabu, incredulously. “He talks to you. He talks to you every practice!”

“Not like he talks to you or Tendou-senpai,” Goshiki laments.

“It’s cuz he doesn’t know you. You know how Ushijima-san is,” Shirabu told him, wisely. “Not that I care but if you want him to talk to you, you gotta make an effort first.”

Goshiki took his senpai’s advice to heart because, immediately, he devised a plan of attack; Operation Get-Ushijima-Wakatoshi-To-Like-Me!

It started with little things like volunteering to help when it was Ushijima’s day to clean up the gym after practice or making an extra effort to talk to him about game strategy. He’d noticed in that effort, though, that it was hard. Ushijima was an incredibly private person.

This feat went on for about 2 weeks and Goshiki was running himself ragged, chasing after his senpai with almost nothing in return. 

It all came to boiling point one almost-evening after practice ended where golden light spilled across the back steps of the gym. 

Ushijima was sitting on the steps, drinking out of his water bottle when Goshiki came up behind him, sweaty hands balled in tight fists. 

“Ushijima-san,” he blurted out, on instinct, squeezing his eyes shut. “Do you hate me?”

As expected, Ushijima remained calm, tilting his head and facial features pinching into a look of pure, unadulterated confusion. “Hate you?” he repeated. 

A hot blush spread on Goshiki’s face and crept down his neck. He suddenly felt very embarassed and dumb. Stupid, he cursed at himself, stupid, stupid, stupid. “I just...I just mean...you don’t seem to like me very much.” he tripped over his words, kicking the ground, nervously. 

Blinking slowly, Ushijima responded, “I like you just fine.” 

“Oh,” Goshiki was dumbfounded. And really lost. “Then...then how come you don’t talk to me like you talk to Tendou-senpai? Or spend time with me like our other teammates.”

Ushijima mulled over this for awhile, the gears in his head turning. The harsh pre-sunset light beat down on them for what seemed like forever.

“I’m sorry,” Ushijima apologized, finally, sounding so earnest it made Goshiki’s heart begin to beat faster, slamming into his ribcage. “I suppose we just don’t know each other that well. But I’d like to fix that.”

“You mean...you wanna get to know me better?” Goshiki hoped he didn’t sound as excited or happy as he felt, biting his lower lip as they talked. 

A sort of half-smile passed through Ushijima’s face, tugging upwards at the corner of his lips. “Yes, I’d like that.”

wow this sucks...i really gotta get used to short form fics again. anyway, i hope u liked it!

this reminded me how much i miss writing for this blog so i’m so happy u requested :)

[anyu-blue]

~

I'm just venting here cuz I don't have anyone to really vent to right now.

I know I'm being 'too much' and 'over the top' again... I know I'm throwing a hissy fit I don't need to, and I recognize I'm hurting at least one person with it.

But God damn I'm pissed and I guess I want to be pissed.

There's so much I want to do and so much I feel obligated to do and more... A lot of what I want to do... I just don't have the energy for. I wanted to make all these custom cards for my family since I should be able to ship stuff out this week... But I pulled Everything out and found... I just really didn't want to put that effort in..I mean I REALLY do... But just... Everything was turning out terrible. I'm honestly shocked I managed the 14 for my ex's family for Christmas... I want to do it... But at the same time I don't.

Cuz what's the point? All that effort.. all that care.. when I could just buy them a stupid card instead. So I'll go buy them a card... Because my eldest and younger sister decided to head to the grocery store without me and now I have to steal the car right when I'm off work to do my own necessary shopping anyway (or risk not being able to go at all this week). All because they were nearly out of toilet paper and Tevie wanted to get me cash for her car insurance bill...

Now I wouldn't be so mad except... They didn't even ask if I had extra toilet paper in my bathroom, which I do. AND I told Tevie that she didn't have to worry- I have enough to cover the insurance for her car.

But no. She just HAD to go today so I could have the money by tomorrow when it pulls!!! Um... Tomorrow (technically today, now) is SUNDAY. How the FUCK am I supposed to deposit the $ into my account like she wants when it's a freaking Sunday?! Or or at all when uh.. she has the car until like... 7pm every day anyway?!

Uuuugh... I already told her too, I'm not depositing Anything unless I absolutely need to either. Which I don't cuz I just got paid. AND I told her her insurance will be a part of what she pays me (if she does) for all her other bills!! If I got it I got it. What part of that is so hard to understand?

Apparently all of it...

Or none of it, but it doesn't matter because she doesn't pay attention to stuff like that anyway. Literally just does whatever she wants.. and you know what? I know that's absolutely fine. Sure it inconveniences me because, well, I needed to go to the store too (and told her as such), and had nothing for dinner while they fed themselves again (didn't even ask me AND used a service I have/can get free stuff with if they use my account like I've asked EVERY SINGLE TIME we've EVER used it!!!). (Why did I EVER cook and feed them so much? I was 100% right in that they have no interest in doing the same. They BARELY cook for themselves!! And you can probably already guess what I'm going to say about it... It's all JUNK!!! Cheeto mac and cheese, ramen, air fried chicken and fries, microwaved meals- you should see our pantry right now. Almost entirely instant meals and it makes me want to vomit. What's not instant is the stuff I picked out/ingredients that have just sat since I stopped cooking.. you should see our FRIDGE right now!! Not a vegetable or fruit in sight!! It's all warm fruit cups for Tevie and idek what W0lfie eats to get her vitamins and nutrients- cuz the vitamins I bought haven't been touched except for by me, Though I told them it would be a good idea of they took some each week too.. I'd wager she doesn't!! And that's partly why she's so gd MISERABLE all the time!! She doesn't take care of herself!!)

But in reality it's whatever. Technically Tevie did nothing wrong. She's just living her life how she wants to live it. Who cares about wasting more gas? Apparently not Tevie even though she told me she did... Apparently that's out the window. Who cares about my needs? Apparently not Tevie Though I've been fighting with our property managers and walking her through every gd adulting problem she has (I'm even supposed to help her with her taxes AGAIN cuz she can't do it) and taking care of the house and all the paperwork and all the phonecalls and everything... So it's not like I've been looking out for her and our little sister at all 🙄 or thinking of them and trying to make THEIR lives easier or nothing.

They don't owe me anything obviously... Not even the requests I made of them to do particular adulting tasks on their own (like put in a simple maintenance request, or cover up the open window downstairs, or even buy the materials so I could take care of that stupid problem better than I already have with the shit we had on hand).... It's up to them if they want to follow through. And they don't. Like ever. Because it'll just be done by me because I actually DO care about how much our power bill is.. Tevie sait she does and then pulls that shit. W0lfie says she does and then pulls the shit like letting her room get ULTRA cold- which guess what happens when she opens her door for the day? You guessed it. The temp of the house goes down and the heat/furnace churns and chugs to make up for it.

I'm so FUCKING DONE.. but guess what? I CAN'T be. I'm not even supposed to be pissed about this stuff!! I'm the bad guy!! Because I'm mad!! Because I can't just let it go or deal with it quietly. Or not be a bother.

GOD DAMN IT I AM SO SICK OF BEING/GOING QUIETLY

I HAVE BEEN QUIET AND CALM AND SWEET AND WORKED MY ASS OFF IN THE WAYS I CAN FOR SO FUCKING LONG

I AM THE REASON THEY HAVE THE SHIT THEY DO!! THE ROOF OVER THEIR HEADS, TEVIE'S CAR, LOWER BILLS (not just because I pay my part, but because I literally put in all the work to make sure stuff is taken care of and that I don't use excess/as much as I want or need sometimes), PAID BILLS (EVERYTHING comes out of my account. I've asked Tevie to do it. Several times. To set it up or to even just pay it once or twice... Has she ever? No. Not even when I showed her how and offered to write it all down for the future- and still she comes back at me like 'well you put them in your name' like, bitch... The water bill HAD to be in my name because at the time they only set it up in person!! Doesn't mean you can't pay it!! All the information is RIGHT THERE!!! You have my permission!!! In fact I've ASKED you to!! And the internet- we switched it to my name so it would lower AND give us a better speed!! And autopay gives us a discount anyway- Something YOU approved of!! And GUESS WHAT? The power ISN'T in my name!! It's in yours!!! Why on EARTH do you still expect me to pay it every single time?! It's not even on autopay!!! And the car insurance.. well SORRY if you have a wreck on your record that would make the premium double or triple what it is now!!! I did that for you!! I even called and asked and compared and did EVERYTHING FOR YOU YOU WOULDN'T/COULDN'T!!! And the cellphones are in my name because years ago when we GOT the plan you didn't have a credit score which was REQUIRED... Guess who did?! ME!! So guess who did all that and set up autopay so we wouldn't get charged $20 more a month?! It's not like we COULDN'T change these things, YOU just DON'T want to deal with it OR you want those discounts and agreed to it in the first place- so your 'well they're all you're responsibility Because they're in your name' is BULLSHIT), EXTRA MONEY EVERY MONTH, EVEN TEVIE'S BANK ACCOUNT, EVERY DOCTOR/DENTIST/SPECIALIST SHE HAS EVER SEEN AFTER OUR MOTHER WAS KICKED TO THE CURB... Even W0lfie is not exempt... Because what I don't do for her, she goes to her mom to take care of. And she's told me things and I've had to ask why she hasn't taken care of it. Well. She either doesn't know how (and in some instances refused to learn cuz it happens again), or was just going to suffer through it because she assumed that was what was right (without asking anyone or even GOOGLING the information)... Gods... Half my 'knowledge' comes from google and checking at least two or three sights and sources before I act... I feel like I'm the only one in my house who has that skill despite the top-notch cellphones and computers and shit laying around everywhere. Despite my little sister literally building her computer... Can't adult life at ALL...

And I just... I just...

I'm so mad and upset.

I want to have the carefree lives they have some days... But then I realize someone wild have to be doing all the shit I do for them for me... And then I get depressed Because literally no one would or will. Even Lon didn't... He took care of his bills sure... But everything else? Well.. unless I asked him to step up, he never would.. and he to never would more than the day I asked. Another red flag I shouldn't have let slide...

No matter how sick I get. No matter how crazy I go... It's still all up to me. I don't have people I can go to to ask to do these things and know they will... I have tos er Everything up and do all the work or it never happens. Especially not more than once.

I hate nagging... And I'm just the bad guy if I try anyway.

Idk what the point even is anymore. I hate my life.

I want so badly to love it and be happy to be around... But I just want to disappear and see what happens when that happens. Would they step up? I mean they'd HAVE to and then I'd be the bad guy again... But ugh...

None of this is easy. None of this is easy especially when all alone.

Few people reach out to me... The ones that do are just as overburdened as I am and can barely talk too because they're so busy... But we try...

I appreciate every one of them/you and I feel awful I'm so drained I can barely say thank you or reply.

I know what it's like... I do... Maybe I don't 100% know the specifics of the reasons behind what you're feeling, but I can feel it with you.

I'm trying. I'm angry. I'm tired... But I'm trying my best.

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Twenty-Three, “Bleeding Heart”

hello hello. i’m so sorry that i’m an awful person and i haven’t written in a bahillion years. life has been wack and i fell out of writing for awhile. instead of doing homework like a good human being - yay! - i found this chapter i had started and i finished it. it’s not as long as usual, i know, but i did that on purpose and you’ll see why ;) ;) ;) ;) i hope i can write some more soon and stick with this. i’m unreliable i know and i’m terribly sorry. college and work are crazy and my mom was just diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancers soooo oooo life truly is crazy and overwhelming rn. i hope to maybe set aside some time each night to write, but it’s hard to stop when it’s getting fun haha. i enjoyed writing this chapter and delving more into this story, like idek where it’s gonna go haha.

anyways lemme know what you think of this chapter. i wanna hear your predictions and thoughts!!!!!!!!! reblog, like, share with friends, say hi to me :) 

one last thing. we should decide a ship name for harry and becks, i mean it’s been coming. here are my ideas and feel free to send me others :D 

a) hecks (my personal fav) 

b) barry (i just think of rachel’s barry from FRIENDS but it’s ok) 

c) hebecca????

d) ??????

e) hecky?

“No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO.

I try to breathe in, but I can’t.

And suddenly the switch inside of me changes. Instead of pushing him away for the last few weeks, I want him. I want him to come and save me. 

The laugh that falls from my lips surprises the both of us. “You can’t hurt me anymore.” 

The swarm of voices that crowded my ears from before is now gone. A soft chatter of voices occupies the conference room now, around an hour after the festivities had begun. Now the fun is over and the last few of us clean up the forgotten plates, take down the streamers donning the walls, push in the chairs, vacuum up the crumbs, and everything else required to return the room to its former glory. 

“Hey, you stop that,” somebody says from behind me. “This was yer party, yer not s’posed to be cleaning it up,” they finish as I turn around to find Harry pushing a lock of hair out of his eyes as he grasps a wet rag in the other hand. 

“No, I want to help. Please,” I reply, turning back to the table and picking up the spray bottle. I spritz the plastic top and run the wet rag over the spot, repeating in sections until I finish the table. 

“Fine, I guess you can help,” Harry huffs and I smile to myself in triumph as I return to my cleaning. “So, what did ya think?” 

“It was a lot of fun and very nice of all of you, thank you so much again,” I tell him trying to circumvent having a conversation. I move to the other end of the table as he begins on the next one over. 

A few male coworkers fold up the table to my left and carry it out the door, probably to place back in storage. My eyes life to find Harry leaning over the table he scrubs and he must notice my pause because he meets my eyes. But I can’t look at him, not today. 

“I’m glad ya had such a good time, ‘m sure everybody else did too . . Everybody’s going t’ miss ya, ya know,” he comments, and I nod with a small smile. I don’t know how much more of this awkward small talk I can put up with, especially as the domino that caused all of this is gnawing at my insides. Particularly the part where he could have stopped it coming to this. 

But he didn’t.  

The rest of the clean up consists of few words between Harry and I, or anybody else for that matter. We cleaned tables, folded them and carried them away, stacked chairs, vacuumed, packed things away, and carried more things away. The room was now bleak with its new emptiness and quiet, all of the people previously filling it returning to their lives. Luckily I found my escape shortly after the room was all squared away. 

“All done?” a voice asks me. I look over my shoulder and find Asher tying up a bloated garbage bag. My stomach drops all of a sudden with disappointment at who it is, and who it’s not. 

“Yep.” I nod. Then I feel bad for being disappointed. Oh it’s just a never-ending rollercoaster, isn’t it?

“I can’t believe you helped clean up. The whole point was having other people do stuff for you, and then you helped them?!” Asher laughs with a disbelieving shake of his head. He happens to pull a giggle from my unsure lips. I sheepishly nod at his words, and I give him another laugh when he almost trips over the garbage bag. 

“Are you on your way out now?”

“Yeah, I think so. I just have to drop off some last-minute things - keys and keycards, that sorta thing. But now I can’t find the person to give them to . . ,” I confess, losing my words as I scan the room for those green eyes and that mustard top. 

“Hmmmph, well it’s getting late. Maybe he left or had something. You could leave them with Myles or Jennings, I’m sure if you wanna get outta here. I know you’re just dying to get those drinks with me tomorrow,” Asher quips, turning my lips up with his words. 

I leave him with a few words, telling him I’ll see him later. I say goodbyes to a few people as I leave the conference room and begin my hunt to find Harry. One I’m not sure how I want to end. 

I find my desk empty and many others as well. Glancing at my watch, I find that the hours have flown by. Many people jetted out of here as it’s five o'clock on a Friday afternoon. The cushion welcomes me as I sit down in my chair for the last time, but I don’t miss its welcoming squeak. The squeaking continues as I spin my last spin in the chair, feeling hot tears at the back of my eyes at the finality of my actions. My mug of pencils- no, it’s not my mug anymore. It never was mine. 

A polar bear post-it note holder invades my -not my desk - along with framed pictures of strangers, a bright pink day planner, candy apple lotion, and other foreign objects belonging to the new owner of this desk. Who isn’t me. A long sigh leaves my lips as I release my hands I didn’t know I was clenching. 

“It’s now or never,” I say aloud, willing myself to stand. 

Okay, Becky, we can do this. This isn’t even the hard part. 

But it is, I think to myself as my eyes glance up and memories that took place at this desk spin through my head. Making Harry laugh for the first time. Silly arguments with him about which was the better movie. How easily he made me smile by bringing me coffee out of nowhere and- Stop, Becky, you can’t do this now, I tell myself as I swipe a hot tear away from under my eye. I exhale as I get to my feet and feel for the ring of keys in my pocket. Good, they’re still there. 

The hallway is dim, but the light from the London evening comes in through the many windows around the office. His hallway. A hallway I will never walk again. Fuck, am I really sure I want to do this? How can I not see him again? You can and you will. You have to, Becky. It was too hard sitting there day after day wanting him. And him not wanting you back. I nod to myself, trying to affirm those words to myself. They don’t do that good of a job, because of the person I see around the corner. 

“Oh hey, bug. A-are ya leavin’?” Harry stutters, his furrowed emerald eyes falling on me. He comes to a stop in front of me, running a hand through his mop of curls. 

“U-uh yeah. I was just going to drop off the keys with you and go over a few things.” 

“Yeah yeah, sounds good. I jus’ really gotta take a leak, so ‘ll be back in a minute, ‘kay?” He asks with a pat on my arm. I nod with a soft ‘okay,’ as I turn to watch him walk away. Nodding with a thumbs up, he gives me a small sad smile before turning around and walking down the hallway. I watch until he’s gone. 

Almost done. But now for the hard part. Leaving him for the last time, I contemplate with a pout. I shuffle my feet to his door and twist the knob. Immediately, his familiar woodsy scent hits me. Suddenly, all of my senses are inundated with him. His messy desk. His blazer draped over his chair. Bookmarked biographies dotting his desk. Empty mugs of tea taking up empty spots. The essential oil diffuser in the corner humming as it mists Sandalwood. Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 trickling from a Bluetooth speaker in the corner. Harry. It’s all him. And my reserves begin to fall. Can I really do this? No, there’s no way I can. Even if I have to sit at that desk day after day trying to love him, it’s better than leaving him. 

Yeah, and then what about when he marries Amber or somebody else that’s not you? 

I gulp, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat and at the same time pressing my fingers against my eyes, willing them to dry. 

“Wow, are we getting a little teary-eyed on our last day?” a voice snarks from behind me. 

No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. 

I try to breathe in, but I can’t. 

And suddenly the switch inside of me changes. Instead of pushing him away for the last few weeks, I want him. I want him to come and save me. To save me from her. And to see her for the monster that she is. 

The laugh that falls from my lips surprises the both of us. “You can’t hurt me anymore, Amber,” I snap, turning around to face her with a wry smile coating my lips. 

“Oh I don’t know about that, I still can. But hey, I won, and don’t you forget that,” she retorts. Amber’s blonde curls shake as she stomps her foot and points a tanned manicured finger at me. How can he even comfortably hold hands with those daggers?

Her blow hits me, and she knows it. I can’t hide it, because I’ve lost it. The last few weeks or even months have taken everything from me. My grandpa dying, my mom’s abusive treatment towards me, Harry’s bipolarness, and Amber’s physical and mental attacks. I lost.

“I don’t care,” I croak, throwing up my hands in defeat. The keys on the ring twinkle with movement in my hand. 

“But you do! I know you do!” she cackles, excitement twisting her plastic face into a Cheshire grin. “You wanted him, but you couldn’t have him and so you gave up! I won!” Amber continues, stepping towards me in her flowy scarlet blouse and skin-tight black jeans. 

I instinctively step back and away from her, but I stop when I think I hear a noise. It’s a loud squeak on the floor that makes me stop, but it doesn’t stop right away. 

“I don’t care, Amber, you can have him! I told him what you did to me and he didn’t believe me because of whatever spell you put on him. So you can keep him and live a wonderful, happy life together. I don’t care anymore, and I hate that I ever did,” I announce with weight to my words, willing my feet to lift from the carpet, but they won’t. 

Amber chuckles, crossing her arms with a pleased smile of satisfaction painting her face. “I can’t believe you had the nerve to tell him what I did to you,” she mutters in disbelief, shaking her head. “As if Harry would believe that I’d do such a thing. He probably thinks you made it up. Hell, for all I know I never laid a finger on you and you just imagined the whole thing.” 

“You left marks on me, Amber,” I spit out through gritted teeth. 

“Yeah, and apparently that wasn’t even enough to convince Harry. God, I really do have him wrapped around my finger,” Amber sighs happily. “I can’t do anything wrong in his eyes. He hasn’t even noticed how much I’ve been gone lately, or how often I’ve been texting this new bloke I’m fucking on the side.” 

“You slut!” I exclaim, not being able to hold it in. “Harry loves you and would do anything for you! He built this firm from the ground up! He’s sweet, he’s kind, he’s giving, he’s funny- he’s amazing and that’s how you treat him?!” 

“Excuse me?! Who here was throwing themselves at my boyfriend right in front of me?!” Amber argues, taking another frightening step toward me. She’s no longer laughing, but instead, her drawn-on eyebrows have fallen into a point above her glassy stare. 

“How dense are you?!” I laugh, feeling the anger rise warmly in my chest. I really don’t care anymore. “You have such a huge problem with that - which never happened, thank you - but you think it’s okay to cheat on your boyfriend?! My god, you really are fucking dumb!” 

“You just had your last laugh, bitch, because I’m going to slap that smug smile right off your face,” she snarls, taking several steps before I can almost see the flames rising in her eyes. 

“No, you won’t!” a voice announces. 

I take my eyes off of Amber to see who said that, but it’s a second too long that lets her clawed hand accost my face. 

[marmolita]

50 questions meme

I was tagged by @caixxa!

what is the color of your hairbrush? I have curly hair so I only use wide-toothed combs, not brushes.  My comb is black, though.

name a food you never eat: pickles (like dill pickles, as opposed to other pickled vegetables)

are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold

what were you doing 45 mins ago? rewatching Hannibal

what’s your favorite candy bar? Twix

have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yes

what is the last thing you said out loud? ......I have no idea.  “Thanks,” probably, because Mr. Lita brought me a glass of wine?

what is your favorite ice cream? mint chip

what was the last thing you had to drink? white wine (an unoaked chardonnay)

do you like your wallet? yeah it’s got a gorilla on it and my mom gave it to me

what is the last thing you ate? aged gouda

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? no

what’s the last sporting event you watched? the stanley cup final game 6 😭

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? plain I guess?  idk, I like caramel corn a lot, like, Harry and David’s moose munch

who is the last person you sent a text message to? depending if you define this as actual text message or like, messaging app message it’s different.  Actual text message: my sister-in-law.  Messaging app message: @misswonderheart

ever go camping? yup

do you take vitamins? yeah I take vitamin D every day per my dermatologist’s orders

do you regularly attend a place of worship? absolutely not

do you have a tan? nope

do you prefer chinese or pizza? I like both

do you drink your soda through a straw? the only time I really drink soda is from fast food places so yes, generally?  but not like, necessarily, if I have it in another container I won’t

what color socks do you usually wear? white

do you ever drive above the speed limit? I almost always drive 5 over, sometimes more, but not usually more than 10 over

what terrifies you? the idea that tr*mp might become a literal dictator

look to your left, what do you see? my phone, TV remotes, empty wine glass, two painted rocks with strings wrapped around them, a toy car, chapstick, a hair bow, a scrap of paper, three coasters, and three framed photos of my family

what chore do you hate most? cleaning the bathroom

what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? ....that there are people who live in australia?  idk

what’s your favorite soda? sprite

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? depends if I’m more in a hurry or more concerned that I won’t be able to decide what I want in the time I need to in the drive thru, but lately, drive thru only

what’s your favorite number? 7

who’s the last person you talked to? my husband, if we’re talking in person

favorite cut of beef? sirloin

last song you listened to? Sufjan Stevens - Prairie Fire That Wanders About

last book you read? oh god I haven’t read anything but fanfic in ages, I have no idea

favorite day of the week? Saturday? I guess?

can you say the alphabet backwards? probably not, idk?

how do you like your coffee? I don’t, unless it’s in some kind of starbucks style concoction that’s mostly sugar and cream with a little coffee flavoring and also decaf. Well okay my favorite way to have coffee?  coffee ice cream.

favorite pair of shoes? I guess my running shoes that I wear all the time every day

time you normally get up? between 6-7

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets I guess

how many blankets on your bed? two thin ones

describe your kitchen plates: plain white ones that my husband got from his mom when he moved out on his own, and then one broke so he wrote to the company for a replacement and they sent him a whole second set of dishes.  Also the “dinner” plates are fucking enormous so we just always eat off the “salad” plates.

describe your kitchen at the moment: a disaster area

do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? not specifically, I like a lot of different drinks

do you play cards? not really, unless you count playing Uno with my kids

what color is your car? silver

can you change a tire? in theory maybe, like, I’ve never done it but I’m good at mechanical things so I’m confident I could figure it out

your favorite state? probably California, where I grew up

favorite job you’ve had? the one I have now, but like, before I went into management

i tag: omg idek, this is a lot of stuff, whoever wants to do it I guess!  tag me back so I can see your answers!

[nineteenseventeenbarnes00]

Good Thing

Pairing: Bucky x OC x rest of the Avengers Genre: idek  Word Count: 2459 Warnings: n/a

You sit on the kitchen counter in your PJs, sipping your tea and scrolling through your phone. You look up when you hear someone walking into the kitchen, and you greet Nat good morning when she waves at you.

"Up to anything today?" Nat asks as she pours herself a cup of coffee.

"Pepper told me there's this amazing cake shop that just opened last week on Fort Street. Might go check it out," you answer her as you continue scrolling through your phone. There was an eye shadow palette by Anastasia Beverly Hills you really wanted and you were looking at which store closest to the cake shop had it in stock to grab one on your way back.

"You're going alone?" Nat questions and you know she wants to see if you have a date. You look at her and roll your eyes. She knew what that meant.

"I can't believe you, Y/N," Nat sighs. "You're young, have no family left, have zero interest in men or women, how can you be so contented with your life?"

"Nat, we've been through this," you remind her in a sing-song voice. "You guys are my family, remember? And it's not that I have zero interest in people; I'm just not interested in relationships."

"So whatever is going on between you and Barnes is considered nothing?"

"Yes, Nat, it's nothing," you tell her. This was probably the 20th time you've said that to her since you and Bucky started sleeping together casually. One night, you wanted someone to come warm your bed, Bucky offered, and so it began. "It means nothing, trust me."

"How do you know that?"

"Because..."

"Because?" And right on cue, they hear a door open and slam shut before a half-naked Bucky walks into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Buck," you greet him, passing him an empty mug. "Chloe's over?"

"Mornin'. How'd ya know?" he asks you before popping his neck and making his way over to the coffee machine.

"It's 11AM on a Sunday, you're usually up by 8, and you only get up later when you have company," you explain, jumping off the kitchen counter.

"Didn't know you were so interested in his life, Y/N." Nat teased.

"Observation skills, hun," you wink at her before turning around and heading back to your room.

Nat didn't miss the way Bucky watched your retreating figure, and at that moment, she knew.

Two hours later, at precisely 2PM, you emerge from your room and make your way to the lounge where Steve and Bucky sat watching the Sunday news.

"You look nice, Y/N," Steve compliments as you pop yourself next to him on the sofa, not missing the new coat or make-up you had on. "Got a date?"

Bucky tried to ignore your presence when you walked in the living room, but at the word date, he focused on the conversation you were having with Steve.

"Nope," you tell him, popping the P at the end. "Just spending some me time."

You bid Steve and Bucky goodbye after receiving a text from your Uber driver and make your way downstairs.

"Looking good, Y/N!" Tony calls out as you two pass by each other on your way to the elevator.

"Thanks, Tony!" you get to add before the elevator door closes.

"Is she going out with someone?" Tony asks Steve and Bucky.

"She said she wasn't," Steve answers Tony. "You think she is?"

"Probably not, she always looks nice when we're not on missions, nothing new," Tony shrugs before making his way to find Bruce in his room.

Bucky groans as he hears his phone ring. Steve throws his friend a sympathetic look as Bucky picks up.

"Hey."

"Baby, are we meeting for dinner?"

"Chloe, you just stayed over."

"I KNOW, but I miss you."

"Steve says there might be a mission tonight, I'll see you another day." he doesn't even wait for her to reply before he ends the call.

"Must be tough having a girlfriend," Steve teases Bucky, who looked like he wanted to rip his hair out.

"She's not my girlfriend," Bucky mumbles with his arms crossed, focusing back on the news reporter on TV.

"Well, it's even more tough to be pinning someone who doesn't even like you back," Nat adds, coming out of nowhere and joining to two on the sofa.

You walk into the brightly lit shop. The counter was lined with almost 50 kinds of different cakes and you couldn't wait to try at least 5 of them.

"Y/N!!!" you hear someone call out from your right. You turn to see Chloe in line to order.

"Hey, Chloe," you greet as she waves you over. She had been seeing Bucky on and off the last 2 months so you two were acquainted. Bucky had told you they were just seeing each other, so you still occasionally slept with him. If Chloe knows or not, isn't any of your business.

"What a coincidence! Did you come alone?" you tell her you did come alone and she offered to sit with you.

Both of you sit down with 10 slices of cakes to share and start chatting. It was the first time you've exchanged so many words with her and you were beginning to see how in love she actually was with Bucky.

"So, Y/N, enough about Bucky and I," she giggles. "What about you? Seeing anyone?"

"Not really," you honestly tell her. "I mean, I sleep with people occasionally and I think it's fun to talk to randoms on Tinder, but other than that, nothing serious."

"You're so gorgeous though, Y/N," Chloe tells you, a pout on her face. "Bet you have the people you sleep with waiting for your every command."

You laugh at her statement and sip your tea quietly.

"James Buchanan Barnes!" you call out when you get back to the living quarters of the compound. "We need to talk!"

"Full name doesn't sound good," Bruce mumbles as he, Tony, Steve and Bucky hears you call from the dining hall.

"That's our cue to leave," Tony tells Bruce and Steve before dragging them both away.

"BARNES IS IN THE DINING ROOM!" Tony shouts loud enough for you to hear before winking at Bucky and disappearing with the other two.

Bucky gives you a small smile when you enter the dining room and you give him a smile back. You drop a take away box in front of him and sit on the seat across from him.

"It's for you, I know you like cheesecake," Bucky peeks into the takeaway box to see 2 slices of cheesecake.

"Thanks, Y/N." he grins.

"And Chloe knows that too," you add.

"Excuse me?"

"You haven't been very fair to her, Barnes. She's clearly madly in love with you, but you brush her off like she's just some random chick from a bar."

"She fell for me too fast," he mumbles, stabbing the cake with a fork and taking a bite. "I don't really like her."

"Well damn, Barnes," you shake your head. "Stop leading her on then!"

Bucky just stared at you. If only you knew the emotional conflict he was going through, you wouldn't be saying these to him.

"I think we should stop sleeping with each other till you figure things out with Chloe, Buck."

It's been a week since you last spoke to Bucky about anything personal. You tried your hardest not to make things weird, but the owner of a certain pair of steel-blue eyes refuses to let you play it off as nothing. He'd try to walk up to you and talk about what had happened, but you kept playing it off. You've started avoiding missions altogether now too.

"Hey, Y/N," Steve greets as you enter the kitchen one morning.

"Mornin', Steve." you greet back, pouring yourself a glass of coffee.

"So, there's a mission tomorrow and I was hoping you and Buck-"

"Sorry, Steve, I promised to help at the pet shelter tomorrow," you tell him with a smile and walk out of the kitchen.

"Not like you can tell her no, she's helping animals," Nat comments as she walks into the kitchen after listening in on the conversation.

"Why is this so difficult?" Steve mumbles, running his hands through his hair.

"Maybe because you're meddling," Nat tells him while walking over to the counter and pulling out a pan.

"I'm just trying to help!" Steve defends. Nat shakes her head before getting back to her eggs.

"Y/N, can we talk?" Bucky asks, grabbing your wrist as you pass by him in the hallway.

"Yes, Buck?" you face him, a fake smile on your face. "What can I help you with?"

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not," you let out a chuckle, lightly pulling your wrist from his grasp. "I've just been... Busy."

"Y/N, please-"

"No, Buck, you please," you finally break the facade and tell him. "Stop messing with other people's feelings. Chloe is such a nice girl and you made her think-"

"I called it off." You stare at him, trying to process what he said. 

"Excuse me?"

"I stopped seeing Chloe."

"Oh my God," you shake your head at what he said. "Did you at least lay it down slow? Or did you just ghost her?" Bucky didn't say anything.

"Unbelievable." you mutter.

"I like YOU, okay?" Bucky finally admits. "It's always been you!" 

"Goddammit, Barnes! That's not what we agreed on!" you yell out before walking away.

The next few days were unbearable. Word of you and Buck's falling out had gotten to the rest of the team and they didn't want the team falling apart. You had always been the friendliest one, the one that acted most normal and that gave them a sense of normality too, but the last few days, you've started to pull away and that kinda scared everyone. Nat might have thought meddling was unnecessary, but she began to meddle too.

By week 2, you've had it. Stark had thrown enough parties and organized enough team building activities the last 2 weeks to last the year, Steve and Nat had tried to get you on as many missions with Bucky as you could, and everyone else has tried to get you to sit next to Bucky at every meal.

"That's it," you mumbled after dinner one night and headed back to your room.

The rest of the team was confused, but Wanda knew what was about to happen.

"Hey, Y/N?" Wanda called out, knocking the door to your room. "Can Viz and I come in?"

"Yeah," you yell as you continued to pack your clothes.

"Where are you heading to, Miss Y/N?" Vision asks, looking at the suitcase on your bed.

"Away for a bit, Viz," you tell him with a smile. "I was thinking of sipping some coconuts in the Bahamas or something."

"That's a far place to go to sip coconuts..." Wanda mumbles, a sad tone to her voice, but you knew she understood.

"I think it'll be good for the team if I went away for a while, Wanda," you tell her, pulling her into a hug.

"But Miss Y/N, does Mr. Stark know?" Vision asks.

"Viz, there are somethings Mr. Stark doesn't have to know," you tell him.

The next morning, the whole team woke up to an unoccupied room at the end of the hallway and a handwritten letter on the kitchen table.

"Dear World's Mightiest Heroes," Steve reads out loud, chuckling at how she addressed it. "You guys, I don't know where to start. But also, before I start, hand Wanda a tissue because she probably cried all night, and it's probably gonna happen again."

"Wait, you knew?" Tony exclaims, looking over to the brunette and cutting Steve, who was reading the letter, off. "You didn't stop her?"

"Don't blame the poor girl, Tony," Steve continues, reading off the letter before Wanda could defend herself. "Did I assume what he was gonna say right? Anyway, none of you blame yourselves for what happened, please. I chose this path, and it was inevitably gonna happen, ask Bruce."

"I- what?" Bruce mumbles, thinking about what the letter had just said.

"Has she ever said anything to you about leaving before?" Nat asks him, her eyes getting teary.

"She mentioned wanting to live somewhere deep in the mountains or on a secluded island before... Would that be it?" Bruce questions.

"Keep reading," Sam tells Steve as he glances at Bucky, who looked deep in thought.

Steve clears his throat before continuing. "I'm still deciding between going to live in Bhutan, buying an island in the Bahamas or getting a house built in Africa -"

"Wow, nice flex, Y/N," Clint snickers.

"Where did she get all the money?" Tony mumbles.

"We get paid for missions, Tony," Nat reminds.

"Yeah, but not enough to buy a private island? Or build a house in freaking Africa?" Sam adds.

"Yeah, well, she used to take some of your photos candidly and sold them to fanboys and fangirls online," Nat nonchalantly adds in.

"Yeah, I remember that she made tons off of those," Wanda nods.

The rest of the team stares at the two girls in disbelief. Unsure on how to process that new bit of information.

"Steve, the letter?" Bucky reminds, finally speaking up. He wanted to know everything the letter contained.

"Can we please try to minimize the interruptions?" Steve tells the team before glancing back at the letter. "No one should feel sad or upset that I've left. I came into the team as a temporary when Rhodey was unwell and all of you extended your arms and welcomed me into this family with no questions asked, especially Thor, and I will forever be grateful for that. The feeling I had when Steve asked me to officially be part of the team? Best feeling in the world, I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. But even then, I had told Steve I would leave the team eventually, he knew I would."

"All in all, this isn't about who was the reason for me going away," Steve continues as Bucky glances out the window. "Or if you guys weren't worth the blood, sweat and tears for, but I just wanted to be a bit more selfish and think of myself. You all know my history with HYDRA, I think I've done enough good for this world, I think I deserve this retirement. I know Tony can find me effortlessly, so can Clint and Nat, and I won't blame you if you do, but please remember that I chose this for me. I already have a good thing going for me, so don't tell me I can have better."

___________________

a/n this literally took forever. i wrote part 1 like a month ago and even then, i honestly didn't know how it would end. would y/n run into Bucky's arms in the end? i sorta played with the idea but towards the end, it really became a y/n x avengers fic instead of y/n x bucky. (p.s i know this isn't well written but i really just had to close this story)

[oh-ranpo]

Distance

Pairing: Roger Taylor x Reader

AN: This one was a request! I hate to admit how much I love writing angst, and hopefully this lives up to the expectation. Let me know what you think!

Warning: Angst, injury, mentions of being sick

Request: I love love loovveee you’re writing I am currently obsessed with your current Roger Taylor fic oh my gosh. I was wondering if I could request a little angsty one-shot with him?? Maybe the band is on tour and the reader broke up with him but he hears that they got hurt and he flew back to see them or something idek I just love angst oof.

———————

Realistically, it had been a long time coming. The months apart, the constant rumors, and the hurried phone calls had become too much for you to bear. You loved him, of course you loved him. But after the recent string of events, you just couldn’t handle it anymore.

He had been on tour for about two weeks now, and in that time, he had only managed to call you a handful of times. Every time you picked up the phone, you could hear a raging party in the background, and you could always tell that he had been drinking. He was having the time of his life, he would tell you, and you would try to find it in yourself to be happy for him. He was out living his dream. However, it wasn’t fair to you to be stuck waiting for him to come back to you.

John, who called you almost every day, tried to convince you that Roger was being faithful. He swore up and down that he never once allowed a girl to go farther than hug him, but the news seemed to become more and more convincing. There wasn’t a single picture that he was in where he wasn’t surrounded by beautiful women. You weren’t the most secure person in the first place, and the jealousy just made everything worse.

You knew that he should be calling any minute. It was early for you, but you knew with the time difference that it would be late for him. You had asked John earlier in the day to make sure that he called. You had something important you needed to talk to him about. You tapped your foot nervously against the wood floor, and almost jumped out of your skin when the phone finally rang. You felt like your stomach was in your throat as you picked up the receiver to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hello, love!” His voice was loud, but you could still barely make it out over all the background noise. He was at another after party. You sighed as you twirled the phone cord around your finger absentmindedly.

“How are you?” You asked quietly. You wanted to skip the small talk, but it didn’t seem fair to start the conversation with all your emotions.

“I’m fantastic! The show was amazing, and this party is ridiculous. But John said that you needed to talk to me about something.”

You could hear a girl scream in the background and Roger laughed. Your mood plummeted further. He sounded so happy, and you knew that what you were going to tell him was most likely going to ruin his night.

“I did. Roger, listen. I don’t think that I can do this anymore.”

You could feel the tears building in the silence that followed. There was still the loud party in the background, but Roger didn’t say anything. You weren’t sure that he had even heard you until you heard some shuffling and suddenly the noise got a little bit quieter.

“What… what do you mean?” His voice was much quieter, and you had to swallow the lump in your throat before you could speak again.

“I don’t think I can be in this relationship anymore.”

More silence. A tear slipped down your cheek and you tried to hold back the sob that was building in your throat. You didn’t want to do this, but you had to think about yourself for once. You weren’t happy anymore, and you couldn’t deal with the constant uncertainty as to whether Roger was going to come back to you.

“Please, don’t do this. I love you, YN. I haven’t done anything with anyone else, I swear-“

“It’s not just about that, Roger.” You interrupted, unable to listen to his pleas. “I didn’t want to do this over the phone, but I thought it was best that I do it sooner rather than later. I’m so sorry.”

You were choking on air now, trying to breathe through the sobs that were now wracking your body. You covered your mouth with your hand to muffle the sound. You could hear a sniffle from the other end, and the sound caused a new wave of tears to form.

“YN…”

“Goodbye Roger.”

You quickly hung up, not wanting to hear what else he had to say. You continued to cry for what felt like hours afterward. It wasn’t fair. You wanted to be with him, but the way that you were now was not what you needed. You needed stability. You needed comfort. And when he was far away on tour, he could give you neither of those things.

It wasn’t long before it was time for you to start getting ready for work. You welcomed the distraction, and hoped that you were busy so that you wouldn’t have time to think about your broken heart. You slipped on your work clothes, and avoided the side of the closet where Roger had been keeping some of his things. You continued your regular morning routine and when it came time to leave, you grabbed your keys off the kitchen counter.

Your office was only a few blocks away, but with the rain you decided you would drive rather than walk. You climbed into your car, and almost as soon as you were buckled inside, the rain started coming down even harder. You couldn’t help but think that it was like the sky knew exactly how you were feeling. Slowly, you pulled away from the curb and started on your short journey. It was difficult to see, but knowing London, you were fairly used to it.

You had no sooner started across the intersection down the street from your house when you saw the headlights. You didn’t have time to react before there was the deafening sound of metal hitting metal, and everything went black.

x.x.x.x.x

It was early morning when the hotel phone started to ring. Roger was sharing a room with John, and groaned at the noise as it roused him from his slumber. His head was pounding and his body ached. He couldn’t remember what had happened earlier in the night or how he had gotten here, but he could remember the conversation. His head seemed to pound even harder at the memory.

The phone started ringing again, and Roger reached over and hit John against his back.

“Would ya’ answer it ‘lready?” he whined, his voice still slurring slightly. John mumbled something that Roger couldn’t make out, but leaned over to the table next to his side of the bed and picked up the phone. Almost immediately John shot up and out of the bed, startling Roger completely awake.

“Is she okay?”

Roger’s eyes snapped to his friend and his heart started racing. She who?

“Okay… okay… yes… thank you.” And then John hung up the phone. For a few moments, he just stared at the phone, wide eyed, as if it had just bitten him.

“Who was that?” Roger asked, his voice still hoarse from sleep and dehydration. John’s eyes slowly panned over to him.

“YN was in an accident. She’s in the hospital.”

It was Roger’s turn to jump out of bed, the room instantly tilting and his stomach lurching. He propelled his arms forward to steady himself against the bed as his hungover brain tried to process what was happening.

“Is she okay?” Roger mimicked the question that John had asked the person on the phone just moments before.

“They don’t know. It was pretty bad. They’re taking her into surgery now.”

The nausea he had been feeling before intensified and he quickly ran to the bathroom. He wasn’t sure if it was caused by the mass amount of alcohol or the news, or a culmination of both. He sunk to the bathroom floor, his head in his hands, as tears built behind his eyes. She was hurt and he was over 3,000 miles away. She needed him and he wasn’t there. Roger had never felt worse.

After several moments of sitting on the bathroom floor, wallowing in his own sadness, Roger finally pulled himself up and made his way back into the other room. John was pacing the floor, hand over his mouth, mumbling quietly to himself. Knowing that he couldn’t sit in the hotel room any longer, Roger walked over to his suitcase and started throwing all his things inside of it.

“Where are you going?” Deacy asked as he stopped pacing and turned to his friend.

“The airport. She needs me.”

His brain was still lagging slightly, but the more he thought about it, the clearer his thoughts became. He had to go back to London. No concert was more important than she was. Deacy didn’t protest or try and stop him, because he knew there would be no point. He would let Brian and Freddie know, and they would deal with their show that night in the best way possible. He would have even gone with him, but he knew that this was a trip that he needed to make on his own.

“Good luck, mate. Let her know that we’re thinking of her when you see her.”

Roger gave him a curt nod, and walked over to call for a cab. Surprisingly, even at 4 in the morning, it didn’t take long for his ride to arrive and then he was gone. He could only hope that he could get a flight back quickly.

x.x.x.x.x

It was quiet except for the sound of a faint beeping. You groaned as you tried to roll over away from the light that was shining in your eyes, but you felt a tug on the inside of your arm that prevented you from moving. Slowly, you opened your eyes and at first your eyes couldn’t focus. You could make out faint shapes, but it didn’t take you long to realize that you weren’t at home. The scene started to become a little clearer the more you blinked, and finally you could make out that you were in a hospital room. What happened?

Your eyes flickered down to where the tugging had come from and you could see an I.V. sticking out of your arm. Your eyebrows knit together in confusion as you tried to remember what happened. A sharp pain filled your right side and when you looked over, you couldn’t stop the gasp that fell from your lips. The skin of your arm was a mixture of dark purple and reds and it was carefully propped up on a pillow. You tried to move it, but let out a whimper at the pain that shot through it.

“Try not to move too much, sweetheart.”

Your heart jumped at the sound of his voice, and slowly your eyes fell on him. He was sitting in a chair on the right side of the bed up near your head. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked beyond exhausted. His blond hair was a mess, looking as if he had run his hands through it repeatedly, pushing it all in different directions.

“Roger? What are you doing here?” You winced again at the pain that spread through your chest when you spoke. His eyes filled with worry as he watched you struggle.

“As soon as I heard you were in an accident, I got on the first plane that I could.”

An accident? The memory slowly started to come back to you. The rain. The stop sign. The headlights.

“What about the band?”

Roger shook his head, and you watched as his hand hesitated over yours. He wanted to touch you, to hold your hand and provide some form of comfort, but he didn’t want to hurt you.

“The band will be fine without me for a couple of days. This was more important.”

Your heart swelled. He was here, now, with you and even though you were in excruciating pain, you couldn’t help but smile. Roger gave you a small smile in return, and leaned over the railings of the bed next to your head. He gently brushed the hair away from your forehead and pressed a small kiss against it.

“You gave us all quite a scare, love. Freddie, Brian and John send their love.”

He didn’t move to sit down, but instead continued to push little hairs away from your face and traced the skin along your jawline. You sighed into the touch and closed your eyes.

“I’m really sorry, Roger.” You whispered. You could feel the pain medication kicking in again and you started to drift out of consciousness.

“Shh… don’t worry about that right now. Just get some rest.”

You nodded, and within seconds you were asleep again with thoughts of the blond drummer running through your mind.

[softdreamyhours]

what happened to us? | J.Jaehyun.

part 1 part 2

genre: pure angst omg

pairing: jung jaehyun x reader

word count: 1.7k

authors note: so this is my very first like long piece of writing so idek what its like, but if anyone has any constructive criticism for me that would be great. 

You were trying to figure out were things started going wrong between the two of you but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

You sat at the dining room table with your cold fingers wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate, you were trying to warm yourself up from the inside out, however the hot chocolate was now just as cold as your hands.

you looked up at the clock on the grey walls, 1:45 pm you read. 

Already, you thought. You had made the hot chocolate at 10:30 in hopes that it would warm your freezing hands as well as take you thoughts to somewhere that wasn’t Jaehyun. You couldn’t stop thinking about him, and the more you thought about him the more frustrated you would get. 

Jung Jaehyun is your boyfriend, your other half, the love of your life but recently it hasn’t felt that way at all. The most recent month of your two year long relationship has been extremely rocky. You rarely talk and when you do it just ends up in a huge argument, horrible things are said and things are thrown, it can get pretty frightening. You haven’t seen him at all in one and a half weeks. This sort of thing tends to happen when you are dating an idol but he always made an effort to make up for the lost time by face-timing or calling you once a day even if the two of you could only speak for five minutes. However this last month you were lucky to even receive a text.  

As much as you tried not to, your mind couldn’t help but reminisce on all the amazing things you have been through and done together. You look over at the living room and smile softly remembering when you first bought this house, you didn’t have any furniture yet so the two of you sat on the floor in the middle of the living room and designed each room together. That night you fell asleep wrapped in each others arms on the floor, it was uncomfortable but you can not think of anything more romantic than that first night you spent in your brand new home. You remembered the many nights you and Jaehyun have spent cuddled together on the couch, watching a movie and eating your body weight in candy. You thought about the evenings where you two have sat across from each other at the dining room table you were currently seated at, holding hands and eating a meal one of you had prepared. 

You glanced up at the clock once again, 2:50 it read now. 

“Where the hell are you Jung Jaehyun,” you muttered to yourself sliding your now chilled drink across the table. You stood up and walked in the direction of the kitchen to wash the dishes, you needed to stay awake, you had to see him tonight. 

Jaehyun left before you woke up in the mornings and got back home way after you had fallen asleep. When this first started happening you completely understood, he has a busy life and you accept that, but you haven’t said a word to him in almost two weeks. 

At 3:15 am you heard the front door unlock, you halted, 

Why am I so nervous? you thought, it’s just Jaehyun.

You were drying the dishes you had just washed and suddenly regretted all the time you tried taking your mind off the situation you were in, because you had no idea what you were going to say to the man who was walking down the hall in the direction of your shared bedroom. You heard his footsteps halt as he passed the kitchen, you turn still holding a soaked and slippery plate, and you heard your boyfriend sigh.

“What are you doing?” he questioned, not looking you in the eye. 

“I-I was waiting for you...” you replied softly glancing at him, trying to get him to look at you. 

“That’s nice,” he said with no expression, 

You rolled your eyes, “is that all?” you asked annoyed.

“I’m tired,” he said ignoring your question and turning around, “I’m going to bed,” he muttered bitterly walking away. 

“Wait,” you almost yelled, “can we talk?” you asked once he stopped walking, 

“not now,” he replied as he carried on with his journey to the bedroom.

You let out a sigh of pure frustration, you weren’t going to let this go, not after you stayed up this late. 

“Yes now, Jaehyun,” you muttered, dropping the plate you were holding into the sink creating a loud noise. 

You heard him sigh and watched him turn around and walk towards the dining room, you followed him into the room and saw him sitting at the dining room table. He looked exhausted, his hair was a mess and he had dark bags under his eyes. You almost wanted to say that it was okay and that the two of you could talk another time so that he could rest, but you needed to figure out what was going on with him. 

“How are you doing?” you asked, you thought it would be easier for yourself to ease into the conversation you were about to have because you were slightly scared to see where it was going to go.

He rolled his eyes in reply, “that’s what you want to talk about?” he asked in disbelief, “how I’m doing?” he chuckled shaking his head, getting up, once again making his way to the bedroom.

“Yes, Jaehyun!” You yelled, surprising him as well as yourself a little, when your boyfriend stopped walking you carried on, “because I haven’t heard a word from you in almost two weeks,” you said, more quiet this time, making your way towards his slouched silhouette that was now in the living room. 

“I’ve been busy y/n,” he sighed still not looking at you. 

“Busy,” you chuckled,

“yes,” he replied turning around to look at you for the first time in one and a half weeks, it hurt you that he met your eyes with a glare.

“Is that so hard to believe?” he spat, “you know what I do y/n,” he continued.

“I know, Jaehyun,” you said quietly, taking careful steps towards him, “but it feels like I’m dating a ghost.” You said, you had arrived in front of him and you so desperately wanted to reach out and wrap your arm around his neck but you knew that if you did that, the conversation you really wanted to have would not happen. 

“y/n, can we please talk about this later?” He sighed, eyebrows raised looking at you as if he didn’t care about what you had to say.

“No Jaehyun, what the hell,” you replied in disbelief, taking a step back, “do you not care about what I have to say?” 

You rolled you eyes, you felt as if you were overreacting but you were exceptionally frustrated, in this moment you felt as if Jaehyun really didn’t care about you at all. You knew that wasn’t true, you two loved each other dearly but everyone has their ups and downs. 

Jaehyun closed his eyes and sighed, running a hand through his hair, “of course I care about what you have to say,” he said, “just not right now y/n, I’m exhausted.” He carried on as he turned away from you again.

“Jaehyun, please,” you began, “please...” you whispered, your lower lip trembling. You fight to hold the tears threatening to fall back, but its difficult and after a few moments of staring at Jaehyuns’ back in silence you feel your cheeks begin to dampen. 

“What’s happening to us Jae?” you whimper, this got his attention and he turned around. You saw his eyes soften ever so slightly but the look in his eyes still wasn’t the one he used to look at you with. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” he said placing his hands on his hips.

“You don’t know what i mean?” you cry out in disbelief, throwing your arms up in the air, “Jaehyun, you can not be serious right now,” you say as you bring your right hand up to wipe he tears off of your cheeks. 

“Calm down y/n,” Jaehyun says rolling his eyes for the what felt like the millionth time, “I’m sorry that I haven’t seen you in a while but the boys and I have a lot on our plates at the moment.”

“Please Jaehyun,” you chuckle bitterly, “promotions ended ages ago, and I have tried my very best too be an understanding girlfriend but its getting a bit much now.” You say dryly. 

“Every time we talk it ends in an argument.” You say, expecting some sort of reaction from the person standing across from you.

Jaehyun exhales and gives you a cold look, “I’m not in the mood y/n.”

“Well you better get in the mood Jaehyun, because I haven’t seen you in a while and I kind of want to keep this relationship going.” You said, each word becoming louder and by the end of your sentence you were yelling. 

“I have been here y/n,”Jaehyun yelled back at you.

“Where have you been, huh?” you shout, “tell me,” you carry on with tears running down your face,

“because it hasn’t been here, that’s for sure,” you motion to your shared house.

Jaehyun shrugs and drags both of his hands through his disheveled hair and rests them behind his neck, 

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he sighs out. 

“Oh my god,” you exhale quietly but soon shout out, “I want you to talk to me Jae, I want you to say what you want me to hear!” 

Your throat was aching and your eyes were burning and the only thing you felt like doing was curling up in bed and going to sleep. You slumped down onto the couch and closed your eyes trying to quiet your mind and prepare yourself for the next few words your boyfriend is going to say, because what he said next will be a deciding factor for you. 

“I can’t do this right now y/n,” Jaehyun shrugged, “I’m going to bed.” With that Jaehyun left the room and went to shower. 

You stood up with shaky legs and blurry vision and made your way to the bedroom, somehow packed a bag and left the house with a very heavy heart.