#i haven’t followed tennis this closely Ever so i am afraid i do not have the schedule memorized

[inkandpen22]

Otherworldly Kings and Queens (4/?)

Pairing: Peter Pevensie x Female!Reader  / Prince Caspian x Female!Reader  

Warnings: mentiones of violence, mentions of death 

Word Count: 2.4k

Part Summary: As the group arrives at Aslan’s How, it’s evident that Caspian and Peter won’t exactly see eye-to-eye. When Peter 

Masterlist

Arriving at Aslan’s How is truly like something out of a picture book. We stop just before the archway. I stand beside Peter, observing him as he watches the scene unfold before him. Centaurs line the path and draw their swords in honor of the Pevensies, their Kings and Queens of Narnia. Peter appears unfazed, as though this is normal life. Then I realize, this is normal to him. He starts to walk along with his siblings. When he comprehends that I’ve stayed put, he turns to me in confusion. I release his hand and urge him to go out with a nod of my head. I’m not a Queen of Narnia. An unfamiliar expression crosses his face before he snaps out of it and hurries to rejoin his siblings. I glance over Caspian and his head falls as the siblings walk ahead.

“Don’t worry, you’re needed here too,” I assure him quietly.

His eyes meet mine and I offer him a soft smile. After all, if it weren’t for him, the Pevensies would’ve never made it back here. I can tell he’s unsure of himself, worried about all of the pressure on him. Caspian and the Pevensies are supposed to lead a revolution. I can’t help but wonder if it’s truly feasible. We’re just a couple of kids.

I nod my head toward the How and the two of us start walking together with Trumpkin following along.

After a tour of the hideout and Caspian showing us the shrine to Aslan, there’s a war meeting. Peter and Caspian are butting heads, not much of a surprise there. The presence of a power struggle between the two leaders is evident as day. Caspian believes we should wait for the Telmarines to make the first move. Peter thinks it’s best if we attack first with the element of surprise.

I sit with my knees close to my chest against a pillar with Ed. I rest my head on his shoulder, growing tired of this back and forth tennis match between royals. Plus, I haven’t slept in two days. 

“If we dig in, we can hold them off indefinitely,” Susan sides with Caspian.

“But if they’re smart, they could starve us out,” Edmund voices.

Centaurs give their unwavering support if Peter does decide to lead a raid. They guarantee that they will fight to the death. I shake my head, earning the attention of Edmund who feels the motion against his shoulder. He can likely predict what I’m thinking. Brotherly, he places his hand over mine, rubbing his thumb over my skin gently. 

“That’s what I’m worried about,” Lucy interjects under her breath.

Peter turns to her, “I’m sorry?”

“Well, you’re all acting like there are only two options, dying here or dying there.”

Again, Lucy is the youngest, but still the wisest. I’m on team Lucy.

“I’m not sure you’ve been listening Lu,” Peter dismisses, much to my frustration.

“No, you’re not listening,” she fires back uncharacteristically. “Or have you forgotten who really defeated the White Witch?”

Lucy has a point there. I raise my brows, suppressing a smirk. Out of my peripheral vision I see Edmund checking for my reaction. I glance at the youngest boy. 

“You should say something,” he advice. 

I shake my head, denying the chance. There’s no way am I doing that. 

“I believe we’ve waited for Aslan long enough,” Peter states to his sister.

What happened to the Peter who spoke so highly of the Guardian of Narnia? He praised Aslan and now he’s losing faith in him.

“Y/N, what do you think?”

I’m pulled from my train of thought upon hearing Peter saying my name. I scan the room and everyone’s eyes are on me, even the squirrels.

“Me?” I laugh nervously, rising to my feet. “I’m not sure I’m the best person to talk to.”

“But you are the fairest,” Susan compliments.

“Definitely the most patient,” Edmund adds by my feet.

Rubbing my hands together anxiously, I steadily approach Peter. I know what he wants me to say, he wants my support. I do support Peter as an individual, no matter what, but I can’t condone war. He likely knows what I’m going to say, he knew when he asked for my opinion. Yet, he asked for it anyway, perhaps out of hope that I’ve had a change of heart in the circumstance.

The room falls silent as Peter and I study each other’s face, silently pleading with the other to comply.

“You know I don’t believe violence is ever the answer,” I reason with him calmly. 

“But we’re at war!” He fusses, pacing away from me in frustration.

I scoff, pausing to processes his words. He can’t be serious right now? After the last three years, he doesn’t think I’m well acquainted with what war means?

I lose my temper. “You don’t think I know that?!”

Peter whips his head around furiously and murmurs erupt amongst the Narnians. I’ve just yelled at their High King.

“We’ve been at war in our world for years now!” I shout at ‘King Peter,’ more like self-righteous Peter. “I know war! I understand war! What I don’t understand is creating more damage than necessary! Miraz is your problem? Target him! Attack him, not the entire palace where innocent lives could be taken!”

Peter pants, his red with anger as he restrains himself from yelling. Peter and I have only argued like this perhaps twice in our lives. Even in those instances, the reasons were never as imperative as this one. We argued about childish things, jealousy, and sharing. Now, we’re arguing about war and the priority of life. I’m only a teenager, these are conversations for adults.

I shake my head and my face falls in disappointment as I continue to look at my best friend. His eyes shift from expressing overpowering aggravation to guilt. Silently, I rush to the hall leading to the rest of the hideout. Peter reaches for me as I pass him, but I slip my wrist from his grip.

“Y/N!” Peter calls pleadingly to which I ignore.

I won’t participate in this discussion further. Peter and everyone else knows where I stand now, no need to stick around.

____________________________________________

The sunsets over Aslan’s How and soon the starry sky hangs overhead. I’ve been hiding on top of the How on the patches of grass since the meeting. At first, I was fuming. Peter isn’t being reasonable! He’s trying to prove himself to the Narnians and Caspian that he’s still this great king from before. I can tell he’s guilt-ridden because of his accidental return to our world, all of the Pevensies are.

“Why are you awake so late?”

A voice pulls me from my train of thought. Caspian strolls over to me and sits down on the grass next to me, resting against the rocks of the fortress.

“I can’t sleep,” I mumble as I play with a blade of grass. “I haven’t been able to.”

“I can assure you you’re safe here,” Caspian smiles faintly.

It’s not that I feel unsafe here per se. It’s my mind, it won’t stop wondering. Whenever I close my eyes, I’m afraid of what I’ll dream of.

“I don’t doubt it. I just...” I release a deep sigh, looking out over the field ahead. “It’s all just overwhelming.”

One minute, I’m on my way to school as I do each day, nothing exciting there. Then the next, I’m in some foreign land surrounded by mythical creatures who I was led to believe only existed in fantasy novels.

I turn my head to Caspian, admiring his side profile. “What keeps you up?” I ask him quietly.

He shifts, relaxing more into his position, and turns his head to meet my gaze. His jet black eyes that match his hair glisten under the stars. Little specks of white glimmer in them like stars.

“I uh... “ he swallows hard, his eyes flickering to the bit of ground between us. “Whenever I close my eyes I see my uncle’s face. When I try to sleep, I...”

I place my hand over him without a second thought. His sight returns to mine with a hint of surprise. Yet, he still appears troubled. I offer him a comforting smile, hoping it will grant him peace of mind.

“Nightmares are perfectly normal, Caspian.”

He nods, coming to terms with it. “Would you mind if I stay here with you for a little while?”

My smile grows and ease of relief across his features. “Not at all.”

______________________________________

Chatter, the sound of pounding metal, and birds chirping increase at a rapid rate. I shift a little, groaning at the sudden surge of disturbing sound. I can see light behind my closed eyes, so I hide my eyes in my hands. Utterly exhausted, I grant myself five more minutes. I moan, stretching out slightly to get comfortable again. I feel a weight on my waist and it tightens around me. Then, I feel something against my back and hear a deep sigh as warm breath brushes against my shoulder. I relax, a faint smile appearing across my lips.

Similar to a blast, I fly up from my laid position. My eyes adjust to the bright light of day slowly and I frantically search the area around me. Caspian awakes beside me in a panic due to my sudden surge of movement. Oh no, this is not good!

“Oh no, by all means, don’t scurry on my account” Trumpkin makes himself known a few feet away. “I was just about to throw up!”

i growl at the dwarf and rise from the ground. “Must you be so crude?”

Brushing down my dress, I march off to the path leading down to the How’s entrance. I hear Caspian chase after me.

“Y/N wait!” He calls.

Ignoring him, I continue my hurried pace down to the ground.  Peter is likely having a fit wondering where I am. Falling asleep with Caspian on top of the How was not on my to-do list.

Right as I reach the stone path leading into the alcove, Caspian grabs my wrist. “Do you think we can train together today?”

I laugh, does he think me to be Joan of Arc? I’ve never fought a day in my life!

“Me? Train with you? I’m no soldier, I would ask Edmund or Peter. They’re far better than me,” I suggest as I start to walk away.

The Prince jogs ahead and blocks my path, placing his hand gently on my arm. “Well maybe so, but then we can learn together.”

Peter wouldn’t like it, that much I know for sure. He hardly let me borrow Edmund’s Katana. Since then, I’ve never actually used it. I drew it in the woods when Caspian and Peter were fighting, but I don’t know the first thing about defending myself.

“Alright,” I comply, much to Caspian’s pleasure. Perhaps it is to my benefit to training. After all, I suppose there will be a battle eventually, though I’ll do everything I can to stop it. “But I don’t think we should do it here,” I add.

He frowns, “why not?”

I raise my brows at the boy. “Have you met Peter?”

He snickers, understanding my point. “Okay, maybe you’re right. We could try by the river!”

“Alright,” I nod. “We should go now.”

I cautiously check around us to make sure no one overheard before heading inside. Other than a few Narnians transporting supplies and weaponry, we’re in the clear. As long as none of the Pevensies find out, especially Peter, Caspian and I should be okay.

__________________________________

Caspian and I have been training all afternoon by the river. I’m actually better than I thought I’d be. Once Caspian taught me some basic motions, I learned I could build off of them. At first, he was going easy on me, changing positions slower than he really would in a fight. As I started to get used to having a weapon in my hand, I could imagine it as an extension of my arm like Caspian instructed. Soon, I was putting up a real fight against Caspian. I spin and swing my sword to meet his blade at an angle.

Face to face, Caspian laughs breathlessly. “And you swear you’ve never used a sword!”

“No, we don’t exactly need them in Finchley,” I snicker.

“What is your world like?” He asks as he changes our position and nearly knocks my katana from my hands.

“It’s not necessarily exciting,” I grunt as I drop to a squat to sweep his legs.

He jumps to dodge the move, landing on his feet perfectly. “Tell me about it. What do you like to do there?”

I snicker, stepping to the side to swing my blade down onto his shoulder. “Are you wanting to know more about my world or more about me?”

Caspian takes advantage of my uneven stance and grabs my arm. Swiftly he spins me around and yanks me into his chest. I accidentally drop my sword and his hand wraps around my neck.

“You,” he whispers in my ear.

I swallow hard, glancing down at my katana laying in the plush grass just a few feet away. Keeping the status quo, I play along. “I like the ocean, but your’s here is far prettier,” I distract him. “When I was younger, my father used to take my family sailing on holiday... but that was years ago.”

His grasp around my neck eases up slightly and I take the chance to slip from his hold. I fall to my knees and reach for my Katana. I grip it’s handled right as Caspian rolls me over onto my back and climbs on top of me. He pins my wrists above my head.

“Why did you stop going?” He pants, referring to my story.

“The war,” I answer softly, my breathing uneven. “He died in a battle in France.”

His face falters sorrowly and his pressure on my wrists subsides. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s alright,” I mutter, not seeking his sympathy. “But now you understand why I don’t believe in war.”

“I lost my father many years ago too,” he confesses.

The despair in his eyes nearly breaks my strong facade. No one should have to lose a parent, especially at a young age. Losing a father leaves a greater hole in one’s heart than most can predict. There are far more long-lasting effects deeply rooted in the experience than meets the eye. I’ve put on a strong face for my family and friends for so long that I’ve grown used to it. None of them understand. Yet here, I’m faced with someone who does.

“Then you truly understand.”

My words release in a whisper, the relief evident in my voice. Caspian nods gently, then his eyes flicker down at my lips. I bite down on the lower, tempted. No, I can’t do it. Peter’s face flashes across my mind. Yet, I can’t deny the alluring feel I have in Caspian's presence. At this moment it’s never been stronger. Caspian leans down, hovering over my face closer than before. My eyes uncontrollably fall to his parted lips. If he kissed me, I wouldn’t deny him. In fact, I find myself wishing he would. My eyes fall shut and his lips brush against mine.

“Y/N!” Peter’s voice booms over the otherwise peaceful wood.

__________

Masterlist

Tags:  @blackbirddaredevil23 @rangergranger11 @hyperactiveravenclaw

[purplesurveys]

1135

[created by: ayebaycay - Bzoink]

Are you happy with where you’re at in life? I can more so say I’m at peace, rather than happy. I am yet to feel completely happy about where I am; there’s lots in life I still plan on achieving and resolving, so it’s better to say I’m working my way there for now. 

When is the last time you smoked weed? I’ve never smoked weed before. Andi keeps offering, but there just hasn’t been a good time for it. I’d want to be in a safe place and have ample time to recover from an activity like that and just in case I react badly from it or whatever; but with Covid protocols still in place and my mom’s rigid curfew (lol Asian life), no plan has panned out just yet.

How do you feel about weed? I haven’t encountered it for the most part so I’m neutral about it.

What is your favorite color to paint your nails? I don’t paint them, but should I ever have them painted I’m looking at Tiffany blue because I once saw my former director have her nails painted in that shade and it looked really nice.

Do you think about what you say or do you just say what you feel? I think about it these days. My filter used to not always work when I was younger, lol – which I found pushed people away. I’ve been watchful since.

Do you care about what other people think of you? Not as much as I used to. I’ve learned to care less and less over the years. < Yeah, this sounds about right.

How many best friends do you have? 2.

When was the last time you had sex? September.

How many times have you had sex with that person? Idk but considering how long we were together, a lot.

What do you cry over the most? I don’t really...cry anymore; but most recently, obviously I used to keep crying myself to the point of exhaustion over Gabie and our fallout.

What was the last thing you bought that was more than $200? I have never gotten a single purchase that was higher than P10,000. The biggest bill I’ve racked was a little more than P5,000 and that was a work-related purchase.

What language did/do you take in high school? We didn’t have electives in high school. I know schools offer them now, but I was part of the old high school system, like before we transitioned to the more modern system of having electives and specialized strands.

Which sports do you follow? I follow SOME local tennis players who are making waves overseas, like Alex Eala, thanks to many of my friends who are passionate about local sports and athletes. Other than that I’d say the only other sport I follow is wrestling?? but that is a lie because I haven’t passionately kept up with the storylines in years. I do follow the more news-y side of it though - like who’s getting fired, whose contract is expiring, etc.

Would you ever get back with your last ex? I can’t imagine ever going back to the mental and emotional turmoil I had to go through with her. But she was the perfect partner in all other ways, which will always make me torn about this question. 

Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? I’m not sure. I think it was Angela since we always talk about her future wedding with Hans. They’re in it for the long haul – plus we’re reaching our mid-20s – so we get to talk freely about these things now.

Have you ever been in a house fire? Really thankful that I have never been in one.

Do you think you have ever been depressed? Yes. Undeniably so.

Do you ever go tanning? Only whenever I’m at the beach and want to rest by the sand. I’m already tan, so there’s no need to do it or seek it out all the time.

Have you ever been to a bonfire party? I’m not sure; I don’t think so.

Have you ever made out for one straight hour? Yeesh, an hour is such a long time for just making out. I’m sure I’ve made out for like 15, 20 minutes straight, but never a full hour.

Do you ever get those days where you feel really fat? Used to feel this whenever we would eat out as a family, especially at buffets (what an ancient concept). I’d feel really filled up after.

Did you think you looked good today? I don’t look the best and I definitely wouldn’t go outside like this, but I think I look pretty decent for someone who just woke up.

Do you believe in miracles? No.

What made your day today? It’s only 6:34 AM, so we’ll see how this day turns out. No plans to go out since I’ve already spent so much in the last week and if I spend any more I’ll end up entirely wiping out my last paycheck LOL, so I’ll be making the most of my time at home. Maybe I’ll drive around the neighborhood and the highway just to get some fresh air, idk we’ll see.

What is your favorite thing about summer? Now that I’m out of school and summer vacations won’t be a thing anymore, I can’t see any reason as to why I would enjoy summer.

Do you own a lot of things or clothes with sequins on them? Nope.

When was the last time you camped out in a tent? Sometime last year when my parents set up a tent on the rooftop for fun, and I borrowed it for a night.

What is your favorite camping food? I’ve never gone seriously camping, so I’m not so sure what falls under camping food. I know s’mores is one, but I never did like that very much. Too sweet.

Do you have a maid that cleans your house? No. We had a few househelpers before but my mom ultimately gave up on hiring them because 1) most of them did not satisfy her standards for being organized and neat; and 2) the ones that did eventually requested to leave.

Are you afraid to get close with someone or fall in love? Now I am. I have no plans to fall in love or be in a relationship any time soon lol, I’ve been completely traumatized.

Have you ever had a best friend completely betray you? Yes.

Do you get pissed off or mad easily? Depends on what I’ve already been going through on a given day. Sometimes a small matter can already cause me to go off just because I’ve encountered enough shitty things for that day already.

Have you ever told someone you loved them and not actually meant it? Probably to my mom.

How many people have you kissed that you weren't dating? Zero. I have to be dating people before I kiss them.

Are you a jealous type? I had the tendency to be, but I was also happy to work on it when I was called out for it. 

Who was the last person that ditched you? How did you react? I built a bridge and got over it. < Ooh, I like this saying. Nicely put :) I’d have to agree.

Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No, but I make the effort to memorize the numbers of my most important loved ones. Which is why it irritates me that I can still dial my ex’s number with my eyes closed if I ever had to, hahaha.

Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yes, so many times.

Does anyone ever send you Good Morning texts? Nope.

Who calls you baby the most? Probably my parents.

Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? I don’t have one.

Have you ever felt replaced? Sure.

Are you waiting for someone to text you at the moment? No.

Do you act different around the person you like? I don’t like anyone.

Do people call you by your last name? Nope, doesn’t happen with me.

[madelvnisms]

(MILENA TSCHARNTKE, CIS FEMALE) - Have you seen MADELINE WOODROW? MADS is in HER SOPHOMORE year. The CREATIVE WRITING MAJOR is 21 years old & is a VIRGO. People say SHE is COURAGEOUS, WITTY, PESSIMISTIC and HOT-HEADED. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID SOCIETY. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE’S BEEN TRYING TO FIND HER BIRTH PARENTS WITHOUT HER ADOPTED FAMILY FINDING OUT. (COURTNEY. TWENTY-TWO. GMT+10. SHE/HER.)

tw: slight mention of drug use?? i just wanted to tag to be safe 

yall i literally love essy so much i’ll follow her to the end of the rp world :/// and thats on loyalty. PERIODT. but hi !!! hello !!! i am courtney and this is my dangerously pessimistic devil child whose life is just. i like to make tragic okay, because otherwise, where’s the fun in that??? I HOPE YA’LL LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I DO. also i haven’t rped in a hot minute so please bear with me tumblrs done a whole 360 on me and nothing is the SAME 

madeline woodrow didn’t actually have a name for the first??? three months of her life?? she was born on an unusually cold september night, to two incredibly young teen parents who just so happened to be addicted to illicit substances, her ‘mother’ abandoned her at the hospital with a weak immune system and pretty much fighting for her life. she was born with holes on the heart, resulting in surgery during the first week of her life. however, her ailments soon came right ( for now ) and madeline was adopted into a well-off, seemingly loving family; the Woodrow’s, who happened to have a young child already,,,, you guessed it,,, named.... darcy. eyyyyyy [ tik tok vc ] sibling check 

growing up into a family that valued achievements and success over, well... anything, really, madeline had always felt a little out of place. Her parents were well-off academics who took pride in their work, her older brother seemed to be a genius, whereas school work had never been madeline’s strong-suit. like, yeah, okay, she was smarter than the average person in class, but learning was never something she was interested in. books didn’t interest her like they did darcy and while she was passing all of her classes, there were no outstanding academic awards for barely trying. 

instead, madeline seemed to have a naturally affinity for sports. she loved the outdoors, she was the kid that was always picked to be team leader,,,, u know the kids who think they’re better than everyone on the field..... akskskskks that was HER. she may not have been as academically gifted as the rest of her family, but she would bet none of them could throw an object further than her, that was for sure. 

it was an accident, finding out she was adopted. Robert & Stephanie Woodrow had many quiet discussions over the years as to what would be best for Mads, they both felt she should know, but ig they were just scared??? bc they never??? really. mentioned it to her. buT MORE ON THAT SOON 

madeline loved tennis. it was her favourite sport, she was literally on track to go to the olympics at one point in her life, when disaster struck. she was in the middle of an intense game when randomly, mads passed out on the court and fell on her leg the wrong way. not only had her heart problems come crashing through the door; she now had to have another surgery on her leg along with months of rehabilitation. 

the kicker???? this was around the same time grandfather Woodrow had passed away, leaving the remaining kin to deal with his crippling debt. she was barely sixteen when this happened. well - technically grandfather Woodrow had left her mother, father and brother a huge amount of crippling debt, whereas madeline wasn’t even mentioned in the will. no inheritance to her name, especially no debt to her name - there was no mention of a madeline woodrow in his last will and testament at all. 

that was when madeline found out about her true origins; she was left in a hospital by her birth parents, she was born with holes in the heart and now, now she couldn’t even play tennis again. Ever. 

Madeline, once held on a high pedestal due to her athletic achievements, held on a high pedestal by being a Woodrow, had come tumbling down to reality. She didn’t know, and still doesn’t know who she really is to this day. 

Now that all her athletic careers are out the window - her leg never fully recovered and now on top of taking medications for her heart problems every day, she has a barely noticeable limp while she’s walking or jogging, madeline is majoring in creative writing. she needed a back up plan, and while this is nowhere near what she wanted to do with her life at all, not even close, she has to deal with the hand she’s been dealt. 

because of everything she’s been lowkey trying to find her birth parents without the Woodrow’s finding out bc she doesnt wanna break :// their hearts :// but she wants to KNOW WHO SHE IS 

PERSONALITY & HEADCANONS 

it doesn’t take a lot to get madeline to do anything. she’s down for an adventure (within reason bc she is !! not as healthy !! as she likes to think anymore), pretty easy to get along with. admittedly, her IQ is not as high as darcy’s (she’d never admit that, obV) but she’s witty and sharp with her tongue. because of everything she has been through, has a very warped sense of the world atm. 

won’t admit it but second guesses everything. she genuinely believes?? she’s not good enough??? for the life she’s been given, which is why she excelled in sports, but now that’s out the window too she’s kind of just... flailing. 

despite being a woodrow,,,, does noT have as big of a stick up her ass like the rest of them. but she’s still a woodrow, the stick is still there. sometimes. 

Madeline is used to the finer things in life, however has adjusted since their grandfather royally did a number on them. she wont admit it, but she misses how easy money had been to access. 

she carries !!! a walking stick in her bag sometimes in case her leg is just Extra Bad. she hates to use it. probably never will admit to needing to use it 

is on heart medication. does not stop her from doing Stupid Things 

will literally be like Darcy who??? to your face but as soon as someone say something about him, she will literally fight you. leg and heart problems and all this bitch will throw the fuck down for her brother, and that’s that. 

Acts like nothing is bothering her at all, when in fact.... everything bothers her 

bisexual queen 

love is love af 

is terribly afraid of ants. 

wanted connections !! 

ex best friends - i literally just imagine them being ‘best friends’ because their parents were in the same affluent circle until the woodrow’s crushing debt, now they literally cannot stand each other. could be more in-depth. i love all the angst 

exes - could have ended great, or terribly. i just LOVE ANGST OK 

best friends - i imagine best friends from like ??? kids ??? family friends?? who have stuck by her always??? 

ANYTHING N EVERYTHING HMU 

[tobrodachi]

Nice! My otome game scenario is writing itself up, as expected!

Synopsis: Saito Sakura, a woman working as an author for the famous VN company “N*tr*pl*s” is currently the main writer for an otome game scenario coming up. One night, during The Crunch, she collapses and wakes up in her game world! However, she wakes up as Adelina Fugo, the main villainess/pain-in-the-butt for the commoner protagonist Petra Saenz. Worse than that, since the storyboard was never completed, she’s only got a general idea of where the story’s headed in each of the four main routes, and they all lead up to exile or death of her character!

“Well, worse comes to worse, this all serves as inspiration for when I wake up!”

Tags: Female protagonist, dense protagonist, otome isekai, her hands are rated E for Everyone, we going ham with this bois.

Chapter 01/??:

The Crunch, or how I learned to stop worrying and love coffee.

My name is Saito Sakura, a 28 year old Visual Novel writer for N*tr*pl*s who’s currently struggling to make ends meet. Got myself a nice little apartment over at the Narita prefecture, got enough money for my daily expenses, and I love my job. But if my life is so rose-tinted, then why am I struggling?

Because, and let me be clear here, having all of those nice things means absolutely jackshit when you’re pulling a month-long work into a single week. Especially if it’s the third day of said week, with the blinds closed unless I want to invoke the Mother Of All Headaches, and haven’t slept for the past 72 hours and counting; all while subsisting on a diet based of vending machine potato chips, extra-salty tuna onigiri courtesy of my juniors, and an ungodly amount of that sweet, sweet nectar known to mankind as coffee.

Thank you, God of Coffee, for allowing us mere mortals to harvest your beans for our gain. For giving us the inspiration to think of new and innovative ways to prepare your juices, so that we can pair it up with other produce. Milk for the stomach, sugar for the heart, and cinnamon for the soul.

Mmmmm, spicy~! Just the way mama likes it.

“Excuse me, miss Saito.” a voice I couldn’t identify called out to me in the middle of my coffee break, accompanied by a hand clasping my shoulder at the same time.

Rude.

I blinked to get the fog out of my eyes, and fixed my stare at.... who was him again? All I can recall right now are names of characters and places that don’t exist (yet!), and this self-important NPC comes to talk to--

“Please, go back home and take a rest, we’ll cover for you.”

!!!!!!

I take back everything I said about you, my most favorite intern! May you be blessed by the God of Coffee for anything you may need, without suffering from stress-induced gastritis until you’re late in your 40′s~

“Thank you, but I still need to finish at least some sort of idea for the Childhood Friend route, and I’m still struggling to find ideas for that.” My mouth replied still in auto mode, while brain-me was still off in lala land----

Saito Sakura, you utter and absolute fool! How dare you let your heart dictate what your mouth says!? Apologize to me, dammit!

“As expected of our senior! Please, keep doing your best!” My most hated intern cheerfuly replied as he waved and went back to his work station.

Noooooooo~! Please come back and give me back my well-earned freedooooom~!

As I took another sip of coffee in disappointment, my mind went back to think about the southern regions of the Patagonia, while my fingers started moving on their own to an invsible script.

After what felt like hours, I look at the clock hands, and they’re still at 10. Is it morning? Night? I lost count of the pass of time after my 20th cup (and trust me, I kept count), with my own sleepiness never quite leaving the edges of my mind. And now, even the center.

Can’t.

Think.

The only thing keeping me awake is that burning sensation in at the lower part of my chest that seems to be coming from my stomach, and the sheer sensation of my heart wanting to grow legs and jump out of me. What’s worse is that the burning sensation isn’t even calming down, but rather going up; but I’ll take this over not finishing near the deadline.

My sight blurs once again, and I try to focus back to the screen.

The screen stays blurry.

It’s alright, I can still type, even if I can’t see the keystrokes, it’ll just be that intern’s job to figure out what I wanted to write~

Except, well, my hands stopped moving. Huh, fancy that. I can’t feel my hands anymore drumming their beat against the keyboard, so at least I’m assuming so.

I look back at the still blurry monitor, and I can see it’s coming closer to my face, aaaaaand it just went up and above my head, and ow, now besides having this really annoying burning feeling in my chest, I now also have a killer headache.

But on the flip side, now I’m also feeling really, really, warm and fluffy and wonderful.

Maybe I’ll stay like this for a few more minutes....

______________

“-o sorry, I didn’t mean to do that!” A mop of brown curled hair doing its best impression of a person apologizing actually said to me while bowing down.

Wait, that’s actually a human person. Nevermind, carry on.

I scoffed and resisted the urge to yawn. Who does this girl think she is? Queen Anne? Puh-lease! Not with those clothes!

“Excuses, as expected of someone who doesn’t even know their place.” I replied, while picking myself off the ground-?

Wait, what was I doing on the ground in the first place? I find it unlikely I was taking a nap, I was just finishing admiring the great mountainous view of this campus---

Wait, that’s not it, I was in my office and then everything became blurry before---

I looked back at the talking mop herself, and she seemed even more apologetic than before. It seems she said something else before, but I didn’t pay attention to it. I gazed at my -gloved?- hands -whenever did I put gloves on?- and saw the silk fabric sullied by the gravel from the road. Seriously, a lady shouldn’t pick up herself like this!

“So, who are you supposed to be?” My voice sounds different- I ask to little miss mop over there, what a sorry view. But at least that question made her look up into my eyes.

Good, she’s got at least a semblance of backbone.

“M-my name--” She stuttered, aaaaaand what little respect she earned went down the drain. Doesn’t she have any self-respect? “-is Petra, Petra Saenz. I’m so sorry about---”

“Keep your mouth shut, and zip up your apologies.” I said -isn’t it rude, though?- haughtily because, again, how dare this imitation for a human try to go through life without affirming her presence?

I heard giggles around me, and turned my head to find my followers -wow, even a girl posse, nice- trying to hold their laughter at the situation. A quick glare fixed it, and they stopped the noises, clearly afraid of what may come. Good, it wouldn’t do to have anything else.

Turning back to the mop, she seemed even more cowed than before, as if expecting divine retribution, which may as well be what’s happening here.

“You’re talking to-” Saito Sakura, Saito’s the family name “-Adelina Fugo. Tennis Ace, Treasurer of the Student Council, and New York’s future Best Selling Author!” Wait, where did that come from?

Oh, wait, those were my goals when I was a kid!

But while those girls were nodding and clapping at my declaration, the mop looked more lost than ever, and this time I couldn’t even fault her.

“Uhm.... what’s New York?”

I’m asking myself the same here.

The other girls stopped clapping and looked at me expectantly.

I -want to rub my eyes and drink some coffee- pick up a flower-patterned fan I had hanging on my hip, before hiding my mouth with it.

“OOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!” -damn, that felt good to do, even if it WAS hammy- I laugh before fanning myself.

“If you don’t know about it, then you’re not even fit to be in this school!” Can’t let them see me hesitate after such a blunder. My father won’t let me hear the end of it if he hears I backed down after such a ridiculous claim - wait, why would he have to hear it, I live alone - No, I don’t, I’m not even of age!

This is.....

so confusing......

A/N: Well, after reading one too many otome isekai web novels, I decided to try my hand at writing my own! If the synopsis catches your attention. I don’t know when I’ll update it, but I’m aiming for a once-a-month update schedule, both depending on response and my own workload.

This is still in its rough sketches, so the setting is bound to change eventually.

My first intention is to write a “transported to another world” where the protagonist lands herself in the middle of a visual novel she’s creating targeted towards women, where you can court any of 4 romantic interests, in this case boys. That, however, doesn’t mean that those won’t be her only options (if she ends up actually courting anyone).

Since I’m still worldbuilding, I wanted to get this introductory chapter out of the way before commiting to anything in the world.

I should definitely make a blog for this down the line

[softstraykidsimagines]

Foreigner 

Summary: How do you tell someone how much you like them? How can you tell that they like you back? And what if they don't like you because of something you can't control? You don't dare to ask these things with Felix, too scared to hear the answer. Little do you know the rest of Stray Kids are here to save the day.

Requested: yes 

Pairing: Felix x Reader

Genre: angst, fluff 

Word Count: 3.3k 

A/N: Fun fact, this was going to be bulletpoint, and less angsty, but my mood went South when I started this so I was like “meh I’ll just change it and let off steam”. But worry not, there is still fluff at the end! :)

I haven’t written a Felix imagine in a while, it was fun writing about this cute bean again...

Also, I am hyped asf for I am YOU omg! The songs sound so amazing and THE CHOREOGRAPHY FOR I AM YOU! MY GOD! I’m gonna have so much fun learning it :D

One final thing, this’ll be my last post for the next week-and-a-half or two weeks? I’m going away tomorrow to see family and it’s gonna be a hectic trip so I won’t have time to post :/ But I’ll be up and running again when Toussaint comes to an end :)

Now, without further interruption, ENJOY!!

MASTERLIST

“GET BACK HERE FELIX OR I SWEAR BY MY LOVE OF KPOP I’LL SKIN YOU”, you shrieked loudly as you chased after the boy, who had taken your food. “YOU DO NOT TAKE MY LUNCH AND EXPECT TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE!”

Felix cackled loudly as he leapt over a couch of the backstage room, only just avoiding your swinging arm. “Come on, y/n! You can’t even let your good friend have a bite of your meal? You’re way more cruel than I thought”.

Your heart made a squeezing feeling in your chest at the word ‘friend’, but you didn’t show it on your face, which was still twisted in an angry scowl, but now held a slight smile. “Give me back my foOD, AUSSIE BOY!”

Suddenly, Woojin appeared out of nowhere, grabbing you by your waist and hoisting you over his shoulder as you screamed in surprise. “Now now, that’s no way to speak to each other, kids”. Felix snorted at the mock motherly tone the eldest was making.

You groaned. “I’m not the one who took Felix’s food. You should be carrying him around”. You didn’t bother keeping the indignant tone out of your voice. You were good friends with the group Stray Kids, thanks to your close friendship with Felix. You winced inwardly again, knowing you’d most likely only ever be Felix’s friend.

Changbin walked in and leaned against the door frame, sniggering. “You can’t blame us, y/n”. He pouted. “We get starved, we need some form of nourishment to stay alive”.

You rolled your eyes. “Whatever. Can I please have my food back?” You spoke in a strained but polite tone, directed at your Australian friend. He grinned at you and gave you the little packet of food, which you immediately started munching on, despite still hanging over Woojin’s broad shoulder. Everyone laughed at your actions, and you felt warmth flood through you. These boys were like a second family to you. You could always tell them anything you wanted, without being afraid of judgement. You were forever grateful for their kindness towards you.

But of course, one boys out of the nine had become more than a best friend to you. Felix, with his dumb jokes, cute accent when he struggled with his Korean, and determination to always work hard, had captured your heart and made you fall hard for him without even realizing it. You couldn’t even feel resentment for the fact that he was totally oblivious about your feelings for him. You were head over heels for the boy, but there was a problem that you didn’t see an answer to.

Unlike Felix, unlike every one of the boys in the room at present, you were not Korean. One could argue that Chris and Felix weren’t Korean themselves, but the boys had Korean ancestors and names, while you were just...you. No korean blood whatsoever.

As Woojin put you down, you felt your spirits drop as well. You excused yourself from the room, telling the boys that you should let them prepare for when they went on stage to perform. Felix waved and called as you left: “I’ll look for you in the crowd! Try to stay to the right of the stage so I can find you easier!” You smiled and nodded, regretting every time you’d chickened out of confessing to the adorable boy.

+++++++++

As you waited for the performance to start, the room started crowding up little by little. Soon the entire front of the stage was packed with fans, all cheering for Stray Kids. You swelled with pride for your friends, seeing the impact they had. After a few minutes, the room lights dimmed and music began to play.

You smiled through the whole performance, your eyes glued onto Felix as he danced or rapped his part. At some point, he came to your side of the stage, obviously trying to keep his word and find you in the ocean of people.

As he got closer, his eyes scanning the crowd, a girl next to you screamed loudly. “I LOVE YOU FELIX! CAN I BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND?!”

You scowled, you hands over your ears, at the girl. She shouldn’t say that to him. You found it rude and unnecessary. However Felix, not wanting to disappoint the fan, waved and smiled back politely, leading to the girl screaming again, making you cringe even more away from her.

Then, Felix’s eyes landed on yours and his smile widened into a genuine one. he waved his hand a little more vigorously, before running back to center-stage to finish the song. The rest of the performance went by smoothly.

+++++++++

You stood outside of the Stray Kids changing room, waiting patiently for the boys to finish changing back into more comfortable clothes to go back home.

Jisung was the first to walk out, and he smiled happily at you. “Did you enjoy yourself?”

You beamed back at him. “I always do!”

His smiled suddenly became cheeky. “I know. As long as Felix is on stage, you’ll always like our performance. In fact, the rest of us could completely disappear from the stage and you probably wouldn’t even notice!”

Your face became extremely hot as you eyes widened to the size of tennis balls. “What’s that supposed to mean?!” You couldn’t stop the panic from escaping in your voice. “I love watching every one of you. You wouldn’t be Stray Kids if you weren’t nine”.

Jisung laughed. “You’re not wrong there”. He became more serious again. “You don’t think all of us have noticed by now how you look at him? You give him a look like he could never do any wrong in the world, even if he does“. You knew he was talking about Felix stealing your food earlier. He continued. “If you don’t say anything soon, the rest of us will, because we’re pretty sick of how oblivious you’re both being”.

Your heart leapt uncomfortably. “You wouldn’t”. Now the fear in your voice was quite plain. “You can’t. He doesn’t like me back anyway”,

Jisung tipped his head to the side. “What makes you think that?”

Before you could even take a shaky breath to answer, the door opened and eight other boys filed out, Chan in the lead and others babbling loudly behind him. You quickly realized that they were all complaining about how hungry they were.

“But Chan HyuuunnnnggGGGGGG”, whined Seungmin. “The store is on the way home, we wouldn’t even have to take a detour”.

Chan sniffed, obviously not impressed with the members’ behavior. “Absolutely not. We can all wait until we get back to the dorms. Then we’ll make something, okay?”

“But that’ll take ages”, chipped in Minho as the others groaned loudly. “Can’t we at least buy some snacks?”

Chan’s face turned a peculiar shade of purple, as if he was holding in a yell. With sympathy washing over you, you stepped forward. “Umm... I actually have some snacks that could tie you all over until we make dinner”. The boys gave you a shocked look. “I-- I bought them earlier, thinking you’d all be starving at the end of the day. I could even help make dinner tonight, if it speeds everything up”.

You held out the snacks and the boys all took them, thanking you over and over, then stuffing their faces with the delicious treats. Chan took one as well, looking as if he could kiss you. “Thank you so much y/n”, he said with fatigue obvious in his voice. “You’ve saved us from biting each other’s heads off”. You nodded with a smile, glad you could help. When everyone had finished their snacks, you all left the building to clamber into the minibus and head back to the dorms.

+++++++++

After you all piled into the crammed dorm, you immediately offered to make a delicious hot dinner while everyone got ready for the night. With grateful sighs, they all trailed off to change once again into pajamas while you put a large frying pan over the gas with a clang.

You spent a few minutes alone in the small kitchen, mixing a few ingredients, trying your best to not spill or burn anything. Soon you heard comfortable voices coming from the living room, telling you that the boys had all settled down and were talking happily, sounding tired but content.

All of a sudden, you heard Chan voice ring over everyone else’s. “Felix, why don’t you go help y/n in the kitchen. I feel guilty about making them cook by them self, even if they offered to”.

Next came Felix’s indignant voice. “Then why don’t you go help? I don’t wanna get up!”

His question was followed by a few giggles and teasing. Jisung asked something that you couldn’t make out, and the boys burst into a fit of laughter as Felix shushed them in a panic. “Don’t let them hear you!”, he squeaked. “They’ll hate me if they find out”.

You smile disappeared and you started to become uneasy. What had Jisung said? What would make you hate Felix? You swallowed, your throat dry, feeling dread spread through you. Then you heard footsteps approaching and you quickly turned back to the stir fry, which had started to smoke slightly.

As you tried to mix everything around so as not to ruin it, Felix appeared next you, startling you. You hadn’t expected him to actually come and help after what he’d said.

“Careful”, he told you, pushing your elbow closer to you. “You don’t want to burn yourself”.

Your cheeks heated up again as you stared back at him. “Umm, thanks”. You started to pay attention to the frying pan and cursed loudly, making Felix snort. “It’s burning!! Shit, don’t be ruined please!” You tossed the contents of the pan around, praying that the food was still edible.

When you’d managed to make everything look normal again, Felix cut in: “Have you made the ramen noodles?” You cursed again, turning to start making them, but he stopped you. “Hold on, chef. You’re creating enough chaos as it is. I’ll take care of it”. You wanted to retort with a cheeky remark, but you quickly remembered what you’d heard from the living room, and stayed quiet.

As you finished up the stir fry, you focused a bit more on Felix. He was unusually quiet right now. You reminded yourself that he must be incredibly tired after the long day, but you couldn’t stop the voice in the back of your head whispering that he was usually energetic unless he was just about ready to collapse from exhaustion.

When the noodles were ready, you quietly finished preparing the dish and you both took the bowls out to the eight other hungry boys. The rest of the evening was spent eating in a happy silence, and when everyone started yawning, you announced that you were heading home to let them sleep. You exited the dorm to the chorus of goodbyes from the boys. You tried listening out for Felix’s voice, but with a sinking heart, you couldn’t pick it up. So you closed the door with a heavy feeling weighing you down, and you headed home.

+++++++++

A few weeks passed, and the memory of the conversation in the living room faded from your mind. You hung out with Stray Kids when you could, and started feeling more like your normal comical self again. However one day, that memory resurfaced with a new unpleasant one.

You were about to knock on the practice room door, to give Felix and Chan, who had been practicing together for the past couple of hours, when you heard them talking in slightly hushed voices. You knew by the tone in their voices that they were talking about something serious. Without thinking, you pressed your ear to the door.

“You gotta tell them, Jix”, came Chan’s stern voice. “You gotta end this. You’re playing with their heart”.

You felt like your stomach had dropped to your feet. Despite the growing dread inside of you, you kept listening.

“I can’t”, Felix retorted, his voice laced with guilt. “I can’t tell y/n”. You flinched in shock after hearing him say your name. “It’s better if I just leave everything as it is.....” You covered your mouth to muffle a small worried sound, tears pooling slightly in your eyes.

Was he just faking your friendship for some personal gain? You kept trying to think rationally, to reassure yourself that Felix wasn’t like that. He was a kind, sensitive kid who loved joking around with everyone and would start crying if any one of his friends started crying. You knew the Felix who would quote memes, tire himself out just to help as many other people as he could, or would smile like a child when he was with his loved ones. You thought you the Felix who’d try to steal your food, who would text you random thoughts at 2 in the morning, who would smother you in a huge hug whenever he saw you. Was that just acting? What was behind the scenes? You’re mind snapped back to the practice room, where you heard Chan snap impatiently.

“This is serious, Felix! You’re being cruel to them. You may as well lie to their face when you talk to them”. Felix must have replied, but you never heard what he’d had to say. You were already dashing away from the practice room, the hallway blurring around you as you made your way to the elevator.

“Hey, y/n. What’s the hurry?”, called Jisung, who had been walking in the opposite direction. “Wait... are you okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Sungie”, you tried to say evenly, but your voice wobbled.

Before you could get much further, Jisung grabbed you and spun you around gently. “You’re crying a river right now. Come on”. He gently pushed you into an empty conference room, closing the door behind him with a snap. “What happened? If there’s any way I can help, tell me”.

You started crying harder now, alone with your friend. What if he was faking his friendliness with you as well? You finally said shakily: “Are-- are you my friend, Jisung?”

The boy looked lost, confused, and hurt. “Of course I’m your friend, y/n. What’s this all about?”

You didn’t answer. “And is-- is Felix my friend?” Your voice broke. You sounded pitiful to yourself. How you break down like this?

Jisung was staring at you with wide eyes. “Why are you asking me this?”

You let out another loud sob. “You’ll think it’s stupid...”

The boy in front of you held your arms firmly. “Y/n. You can tell me. Please?”

You hesitated one more second before blurting: “B--because I’m not Korean!” You suddenly felt how much the thought had been weighing down your mind all this time, and a new stream of tears began. “I heard Chan telling Felix that he had to stop lying to me, that he was being cruel and playing with my heart”. Now you couldn’t stop sobbing between words as you continued. “I-- I also heard him complaining ab--bout helping me cook b--back in the dorms a--a few weeks ago. You said s--something that he didn’t want me to h--hear. Now I think that all this t--time he’s b--been faking being my f--friend”. You stared at ground in shame, waiting for Jisung to respond and wiping away, in vain, a few tears marking your cheeks.

“Y/n...” Jisung sounded at a loss. “I... can’t believe him... that dumb bastard!” You wrenched yourself from his grip, not wanting to hear anymore.

“I don’t want to hear about him, I want to forget him”, you said, your body shaking violently. You backed away towards the door. “I need to go home. I’ll see you tomorrow, maybe”. And with that, you flung the door open and fled into the hallway without looking back.

You sprinted through the streets, not bothering to hide the tear marks on your cheeks, wishing you could run further than to your home, further than to the other side of the planet. You just wanted to disappear...

+++++++++

You sat curled up on the couch, listening to the TV blaring, but feeling like it was a simple background noise as you stared into space, still contemplating what had happened only an hour ago.

You’d made a fool of yourself in front of Jisung, and you felt a grim certainty that he was going to tell Felix about it. You dreaded going back tomorrow, but you had to act as if nothing had happened, so as not to alert the other boys of anything. You couldn’t let this affect your friendship with them.

You drifted into an uncomfortable sleep, shifting between vague nightmares. You scowled as the TV seemed to grow louder. I knew I shouldn't have put it on the action-movies channel, you thought numbly. You opened an eye slightly, and as you returned to a hazy consciousness, you realized with a start that it wasn’t the TV making the loud noises.

Someone was banging loudly on your door.

With a groan, you heaved yourself off the couch and trudged over to your front door, trying to straighten your hair and rubbing any tear marks off your face. As you got closer, you recognized the voice in the hall outside.

“Y/n please open up!” It was Felix. You started to turn away when he spoke again, his voice muffled by the heavy door. “Jisung told me everything. I’ve been an idiot but please, please... just let me explain everything”. You heard the desperation in his voice, making up your mind. You unlocked the door and swung it open, your heart in your throat.

You must have looked horrible, because when Felix laid his eyes on you, he blanched significantly. “I did this to you”, he whispered. And with a shock, you saw his eyes becoming misty with tears. “I didn’t know that I was hurting you so much, I was being stupid and I was too scared to tell you everything, I--” He sniffled. “I should’ve confessed to you earlier”. He looked at the ground and wiped his eyes.

You couldn’t help but feel your heart tear at the sight of Felix upset. You couldn’t help how you felt. You just wanted him to smile. “How can you like me”, you asked, also tearing up again.

He looked back up at you, eyes wide. Before you could continue, he shook his head. “Jisung also told me that you thought I couldn’t like you because you aren’t Korean. Y/n”. He took a step closer, and you stayed where you were, unable to move away. “Where you were born, where you grew up, your nationality, what language you speak, none of those matter to me. You’re you. And that’s perfection to me”.

You let out a weak bark of laughter. This was real. Felix had really said that to you. You couldn’t stop a smile forming on your face. “I’m so stupid”, you said.

“No, I’m the dumb one”, he replied, also laughing slightly. “I should’ve said something instead of scaring you”. He hesitated a moment, then leapt forward and enveloped you in a bone-crushing hug. “In this case, will you go out with me?”

You hugged him back tightly, smiling against his shoulder. “As if you have to ask”. You both stayed like that a while, happy. Then you pulled apart, and you suddenly realized that Felix had a bright red mark on his left cheek. “What on Earth is this?”, you asked incredulously, reaching out, concern in your eyes.

Felix suddenly blushed, so that his hole face was the same colour as the mark. “Umm.... Changbin slapped me when Jisung told me --in front of everyone else-- what you’d said. He said that if stupidity was painful, this is how it would feel”.

You couldn’t help it. You burst out laughing, and soon Felix did too. Once you’d both stopped, leaning against the door frame, he tilted his head to you. “Do you think you could kiss it better? It still hurts”. He pouted slightly, and you rolled your eyes. “Pleeeaaasssseee?”

“Okay, fine”, you giggled, shaking your head. He turned his head to the side and you leaned forward. Just before your lips made contact with his cheek, he turned his head back to face you, and kissed you.

wOW it’s really late rn, but i had to finish this heh

[thedeviltohisangel]

You Say It Softly//4//Left Untold

The first time Jim & Leah spend the night together.

Smut Warning

my URL/jimmason to catch up!

send any requests for Jim my way!

He remembers calling Leah and leaving her many voicemails once the oxy had set into his system. Jim is pretty sure, if he were to listen back to them, he’d sound like a mumbling mess and the thought that she was going to hear him like that was keeping him up. They had been on a few dates and Jim held her hand at school and they shared dessert at lunch and everything was going great. He had made the choice to not invite her to another party in the fear she would see him fucked up again and he knew she didn’t like it. But tonight when he had asked her to come to the beach, he had a habit of inviting her to the beach in the hopes her presence would curb his behavior which was wrong of him and he knew it, she had declined, saying she had a tennis match tomorrow she needed to rest up for.

Jim couldn’t help but feel like it was her way of telling Jim he had to stop hanging out with the Chad’s of the world if he wanted to keep hanging out with her. It left a hollow emptiness inside of him.

He watched the clock on his nightstand change over to 2 AM with a groan, about to turn over and try once again to find sleep when his phone began to ring. The picture of him and Leah on his roof from last week stared back at him.

“Leah? What’s going on?”

“You don’t sound like I woke you up. What’s going on with you?” She had expected him to sound groggy, if he even answered at all, and she sat up straighter in her bed at the sound of his perfectly even voice. “I listened to your voicemails and wanted to make sure you were okay. I got up to pee and couldn’t fall back asleep.” He chuckled at her honesty.

“Yeah, sorry about that. That crazy girl Isla was at the beach tonight and she made me miss you is all. I shouldn’t have called while I was... you know…”

“High?” she finished for him. Leah wasn’t stupid. She knew the state of mind he had been in when he called her. Knew it was similar to how he was in astronomy last week. How he was when he showed up to her house the other day asking if he could walk her dog with her at midnight. Jim was trying so hard to keep her sheltered from that part of his life but she wished she could tell him to just stop. That that was the only way to truly keep it away from her. But addiction can’t be cured by a magic wand or harsh words so she hadn’t said anything. “Can I come over?” She didn’t want Jim to feel obligated to answer to her calling him out so she changed the subject on his behalf.

“Yeah, I’ll wait by my window for you.”

“Okay I’ll be there soon...keep the bed warm for me.” She hung up and Jim sat for a moment. Leah and him hadn’t spent time overnight together yet. They’d had some heated makeout sessions in her bed but nothing ever beyond that. They were taking it slow, and Jim respected that, but it was getting harder to focus on her when she kissing him while also trying to keep his dick from getting hard.

He went to the bathroom to splash his face with cold water in an attempt to lower his body temperature before she even came over in the hopes he could avoid any sort of malfunction that having her body against his might cause. He paced the rest of the time she took to get there, shaking out his arms and legs, even doing a few push ups so he wouldn’t look too meek and tired when she finally arrived. Jim also spent a good amount of time looking at himself in the mirror to try and make sure he didn’t still look like he was under the effect of his drugs from early. He figured some eyedrops couldn’t hurt.

He was blinking them throughout his eyes when there was a knock at his window, Leah having climbed up his porch to reach his room.

“Hi Sprinkles,” she whispered as he helped her into his room. “I missed you today.” She had been nervous to admit that to him,wondering if it was too soon to be telling him she missed him when she didn’t see him, but looking at him made her guards come down.

“I’m sorry out schedules haven’t really matched up lately. I wanna come to your match tomorrow though.”

“That’d be great! We can get lunch together after.”

“I’d like that,” Jim replied with a genuine smile. Things were always so easy with her. Much of his life at the moment was a whirlwind of trying to make everyone happy and not let anyone down but with Leah, it’s not that he didn’t have to try, but he didn’t have to try as hard. She seemed to be happy with him just being him and it made good feelings blossom in his chest. Simple things, like lunch at the tennis club food stand, made her day and they had begun to make Jim’s too.

Jim stepped forward and placed a gentle kiss to her lips, Leah never one to make the first move towards anything physical in their relationship. It was all so new to her and Jim seemed like he had done it all before and then some so she trusted him to not what was right and wrong to do and when. She was afraid she’d do something too soon and scare him off and that was the last thing that she wanted.

“Do you mind if I actually do try and get some sleep? I wasn’t lying earlier when I said I needed it.” The yawn accompanying her statement was timed perfectly.

“Yeah, of course. I grabbed an extra blanket from my closet since I know how warm you like to be.” Last week Jim had gone over her house to watch an Indiana Jones marathon and she had rolled them both up into a blanket burrito. Leah had explained that she felt most relaxed with a blanket tucked under her chin.

Leah kissed him on the cheek as a thank you and buried herself under his sheets and comforter immediately. Jim followed suit and they laid there facing each other just enjoying the silence of the other’s company for a few moments.

“This is our first time, like, literally sleeping together,” she mused as she found his hand under the covers and tangled her fingers with his.

“It’s nice,” Jim replied honestly. He was sexually attracted to Leah, that much was obvious, but it was different than the other girls he had been attracted to in the past. He didn’t feel like it was the only reason he wanted to be with her. Didn’t feel like it was the prevailing thought in his head whenever he saw her. All he craved was to be close to her, in whatever form that happened to take.

“Next time you go to the beach and do whatever I want to come. I should be making more of an effort to get to know your friends and stuff. So they stop looking at me like I have three heads everyday at lunch.”

“I don’t want you to come if you’re not comfortable. They just don’t get all the smart things you say in response to their dumb thoughts and questions. Having them be confused by you is probably a sign you’re doing something right, Sugar.” Leah giggled softly and moved closer to him at his words of encouragement.

“I noticed you used the word ‘conflated’ the other day. I meant to make fun of you for it,” she whispered as she poked the tip of his nose with her finger. Just the other day he had been confused by her use of the word so she had explained it to him and then the next day at lunch he had used it perfectly in a sentence.

“You’re rubbing off on me. Such a good influence,” he murmured as he felt his eyes growing heavy at the way he was gently tracing over his features.

“Cuddle me?” she asked as she noticed he was growing tired. He nodded and opened his arms so she would have plenty of space to adjust herself to the perfect position, facing away from him and placing her back to his chest so they were spooning. Leah was happy Jim couldn’t see her face with the position they were currently in. She was blushing and smiling like crazy. In her mind it was like her fairytales come true. Having a boy like her as much as she liked him. Spending the night cuddled together in his bed under a bunch of blankets. As she fell asleep that night she kept telling herself to not think this was a dream or a fairytale where they all lived happily ever after. Leah knew that was the only surefire way to get her heartbroken.

Jim woke up before she did. Leah was still in his arms the same way she had been when she fell asleep. He kissed the back of her neck gently and was going to shut his eyes to catch a few more minutes of sleep when he became acutely aware of the gentle pulse between his legs.

Jim looked down in the hopes he was wrong in his assumption of what was happening between his legs. He looked back up in slight horror when he noticed that Leah was stirring and turning around to say good morning to him.

“Close your eyes,” he whispered as he turned around so his back was now facing her.

“Jim? Is something wrong?” Leah couldn’t lie that his slight rejection of her was a blow to her glow of happiness at waking up next to him.

“I’m...I’m trying to adjust myself,” he grunted with the effort of trying to get his morning wood to disappear before he rolled back over to properly start their day with a kiss.

“Do you...do you need help?” She began to place soft kisses on his bare shoulders that were exposed from the blanket.

“You’re kissing is making it worse actually,” he muttered as he took a couple of deep breaths. “I’m gonna splash myself with some cold water-”

“I want to try.” Her words were firm and direct, Jim looking over his shoulder to make eye contact with her.

“Try what?”

“Jim are you going to make me say it?” she asked slightly exasperated. “Let me try to...to help you make it go away. With my mouth.” Jim thinks he could’ve come from the thought of her mouth wrapped around his dick alone. He had, actually, used the image to get off many time since he had started seeing her.

“You’re sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”

“Are you okay with it?”

“Fuck yeah,” he exclaimed in spite of himself. He mentally hit himself for seeming so eager. Jim had gotten a blow job before but never from a girl as pretty as her. Never from a girl he liked as much as her.

“Ok then. Take your pants off.” He didn’t need to be told twice, hopping from his bed with a newfound spring in his step, throwing his boxers to the side before he sat back in his bed with his back against the headboard. Leah kissed his lips first, slowly and sensually in a way that made something stir inside of them both. “I’ve never done this before. So I’m sorry if it doesn’t go well.”

“I’m sure you’ll do-” The rest of his sentence got stuck in his throat as her fingertip danced across the top of his cock.

“That sensitive?” she inquired as she moved further down the bed and fell to her stomach between his legs. “What about when I do this?” Her fingertip circled his tip with precision and she kept her eyes locked on his as it did.

“Feels great,” Jim breathed. Between how sexy he thought she looked with bedhead and her nipples poking through her shirt and the way she was studying his every breath Jim thought he might not last until she actually got her mouth on him. Her tongue flicked out tentatively next. Tracing the same path her finger just had, then licking the entire length of him like it was an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. Leah looked at him for approval as her tongue settled back into tracing gentle circles. “Feels so good, Sugar, like you were meant to have my cock in your mouth.” She moaned at his encouragement before opening her mouth and taking him in, suctioning her lips halfway down his length. Her cheeks hollowed and Jim moved his hand to hold her hair in a loose ponytail as she began to bob her head.

He fought hard to keep his eyes open, wanting to imprint the image in his mind for every lonely moment he might ever have. As she pulled away with red and swollen lips, slick with spit, Jim felt the urge to claim her.

“Want you to come in my mouth,” she instructed, “Want to taste you.” She returned her mouth to him, using her hand to jerk off the part of him that she couldn’t fit quite yet. Jim bit his pillow in an effort to keep quiet and not risk alerting his mother or sister to what was going on in his bedroom.

After a few more moments, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and his cum hit the back of her throat as he came. He opened his eyes in time to watch her swallow and wipe her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Fucking hell, Leah. For your first time that was pretty good.” She smiled with delight and crawled back up towards him to connect their lips.

“I was so nervous! I’ve been thinking how you must’ve had so many girls get with you in Michigan and probably even here so my competition was-” He placed his finger gently over her lips so she would stop talking.

“No competition. You’re the best. In everything. No one could ever beat my Sugar when it comes to taking care of me.” Leah thinks she blushed ten shades deeper at his words. Jim had felt as though the L word was about to slip past his tongue but he managed to hold it in. He thought it might look too over eager to say it to her for the first time in his post-orgasm haze. And he had a feeling Leah was the type of person who took the first time saying something like that seriously so Jim wanted to make the moment right for her. “After you kick your opponent’s ass today I’m gonna return the favor.” He was already salivating at the thought of getting between her legs. Hearing how she moaned. Hearing her say his name as she came.

“Some extra motivation,” she said as she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and giggled as he pulled her back into a kiss. “Speaking of, I should get going. I don’t want to lose time to stretch.”

“Can’t wait to see you in that cute little skirt again. Grunt extra loud for me today,” Jim teased as he got out of bed and stood by the window with her.

“I will, James Mason, don’t you worry about it.” She pecked him one last time. “Thank you for last night. And this morning. And everything. Spending time with you...means a lot to me.” She looked to her feet at her own admission and he kissed her forehead in agreement.

“It means a lot to me too. I can’t wait to see you again in a couple hours. I already miss your kisses.” She laughed at his playfulness and she scaled back down his roof and onto his back porch. Leah blew him a kiss once her feet were firmly planted on the ground, running quickly to her car in the hopes of driving away before Sandy Mason could see. “God, Leah.What am I gonna do?” Jim whispered to no one. There were so many ways he could lose her. So many ways Jim could fuck it up. Jim just had to believe that love could be enough.

[rebiirthday-archived]

Letter .01 ———

@makishou

          The letter is written on several informal scraps of notebook paper. The frilly edges have been methodically shed  --  When Beyond had originally finished the first copy of this letter, he had forgotten to rip those annoying bits off;   as he went to, a tear had formed in the margins causing him to copy the pages over onto papers he tore the edges from before writing. For as casual as the envelop   &   parchments seemed to be, the calligraphy displayed between the lines was a stark contrast, yet an imperative clue as to who the author was, exactly.

          Not the man with insanity behind his eyes, nor the one who skittered across the floor like an animal  --  That man would have awful penmanship   &   anyone who received a letter from Rue Ryuzaki would expect illegibility. But this was not a letter from the unprivate detective. These words belonged to Beyond Birthday;   a distinction with more declarative boundaries than the faint, thin blue notebook lines.

          14.10.03

          Naomi Misora ———

          You must think yourself incredibly clever for your testimony. I hope it was satisfying at least, getting to call Ryuzaki all those horrific names, getting to explore the vastness of your derogatory lexicon to call forth exactly what feelings he elicited in you; yet among none of them did you name fear. I found that incredibly interesting ... Didn’t you, as well? Looking back on it all, were you not very afraid to have realized who had been working aside you all that time?

          No, of course not  --  & I assure you, you shouldn’t have if you did. In truth I’m not a very violent man which may have you surprised. I never did intend to harm you, the least unjustly. Yet about that time you attacked me in the alleyway, I can hear you counter. Yes, well, for reasons I can’t divulge this early in my narrative, I knew no harm would come to you & as I said, I never intended it to.

          But I’ve forgotten -- A year has passed now, just about, & you most likely do not dwell on these details as I do. You, along with my predecessor, have most likely forgotten the key-points, the justification, the meaning, the action, the brazen ardor of it all. It eats at me, I’ll have you know. I’ve been consumed by many things in this relatively short life of mine  --  Fire being the least painful of it all.

          But you don’t care about any of it, of course; why would you? I’m just another criminal you’ve put away, yes? So, why is it I write to you ...

          Well, mostly because my dear friend, L, hasn’t returned any of my calls to his private line which leaves only you as the remaining attestor to my most recent ruination. Though even if that brilliant detective did indulge me with a response, his knowledge would not compare to yours, I think. You were there &, as with many things in life, there is only so much frequent monotonous check-ins & a clinical FBI report can convey. You would agree, I’d imagine, with the fact that there exists something between us that lacks definition  --  yet most importantly it lacks witness.

          What shall we call this, Naomi? Even if you are so predictably unwilling to admit its presence, especially in the quiet ambiance of your own mind, you are aware of it in a way I wish I had been aware of you. 

          You had undone me, which is quite the victory. You & I have succeeded where our darling detective did not. That is something to revel in, isn’t it? But you’re too kindhearted of a soul to imagine a world where you could be proud of something that involved the harm of others, isn’t that true? You put the world’s best criminal away when the world’s best detective could not & yet you haven’t celebrated that fact because three people died  --  & to you, that is failure.

          Do you see what I mean, Naomi, when I say there exists something between us? Aside from all those ghastly words you used to describe me, there are other, more pleasant things you could say which would have been inadmissible in a court of law.

          Even though their blood was on my hands, as you see it, you enjoyed it  --  The case. You had fun, Naomi, with me; solving the clues I left behind, catching such a crafty killer. I will celebrate it all enough for the both of us, this intangible thing, your victory. I am not a sore loser, as you can see. At least not when I have justly lost to someone I can stand.

          But enough scene setting for this part, yes? You see, I’m privy to the fact that your eyes will glaze over while reading this. My words will be discarded in a junk drawer somewhere  --  You won’t throw these papers in the trash, but they’ll lack significance. I’m counting on that, in a way; your lack of response, your lack of reply. Despite the thing between us you will remain distant & uncaring, as is your way & valid right. I won’t strive for more than perhaps the chance at self justification  --  If that is what I’m truly after here. A priest could ask me to confess why I’ve channeled my energy into this pursuit & even if I did fear God I’d have no answer for him. So let’s go with the pretty statement; I only wish to explain myself to someone who will read these words without attachment. 

          If I start at the beginning, however, none of this will make sense. A funny fact but I can imagine you understand why someone like me cannot tell stories linearly. Instead I’ll tell you first about someone you most likely, & justifiably, have a library of questions for.

          L. 

          I won’t feign intimacy where there isn’t  --  You can trust every word on these papers & each page that follows. Only in my young adulthood can I now look back on my childhood & adolescence with the realization that my delusions created intimacy where there could never have been. To be intimate on any level with a soul like his was a privilege I only came so close to. I’m sure in the same way you will never admit to such a thing, neither would he; but all the same, something more intense did exist between him & I.

          L had been just a boy at one time; a concept you’ll have difficulty grasping, I’m sure. He had always been brilliant, of course, but a boy nonetheless. 

          He was nine years old when I first met him. He’s two years my senior  --  Does that surprise you, as well? Did you expect him to be older? He’s only twenty-three right now. His birthday is at the end of this month.

          I’m sure your mind is reeling with the details you’ve just learned  --  Or perhaps the realization that I know these details. I knew him, once. What feels like an eternity ago, though that sounds a bit too dramatic for my taste. We grew up together, so to say, in that house I keep blathering on about. No one believes such a place exists, where gifted children are everything but kidnapped into a lifestyle so dreadful, it drove the first boy taken into this home to suicide & the second to kill others. But again, you don’t care about that yet.

          L likes his coffee strong  --  Brewed with an extra scoop if he’s having instant. He never counts the sugar cubes he places in the brew but he always takes a sip once beforehand; the immediate regret is always visible yet he does it anyway. Every time. The highest number of cubes I ever observed him dropping in was eighteen. He often sits with his knees clung to his chest; only when he’s in private company do his arms actually wrap around the frail bones. When he is intrigued or thinking, he will lean forward in such a way that lifts his bottom from the chair; his toes will clutch the edge of whatever he is sitting on & his thumb will compulsively migrate between his lips. The nails on every other hand are neglected & often overgrown, but his right thumbnail is cracked & abused; even when he tastes blood, he will not stop.

          The sugar in his coffee isn’t the only sweet he craves. His  --  Our adoptive father prepares & orders a vast amount of treats to curb his cravings. Despite it, he’s never gained a pound of fat in his life. He boasts frequently that it is because he uses his brain so much, but he & I both know it is because we play tennis together regularly on the makeshift court in the parking lot outside the home. Briefly, he played competitively. If you search thoroughly his alias, Hideki Ryuga, you will see that he was the UK national champion at one point.

          I’ve deviated from what I aimed to convey in my nostalgia, however I’ll leave those last words in. I wanted you to conclude something  --  Did you see what I was leading you towards, Naomi? Any similarities to someone, perhaps?

          I will write again soon, though I’m sure that is negligible to you.           ——— B.

[maylovexhs]

INVISIBLE - PART 5

Author’s Note: Where do i begin? I started college three weeks ago and it is a lot and lot of reading and writing so of course YA GIRL GOT BUSY. BUT I’M BACK JUST DON’T EXPECT ME TO POST THAT OFTEN. I’M TRYING MY BEST HERE. So, i got two more parts left of this series and please send me feedback. It is very welcomed. Anyways, enjoy loves xxx M

Masterlist

Invisible Masterlist

Huh phoo.

Huh phoo.

Huh phoo.

Huh phoo.

I placed my already shaking hands on the door, pushing it open with the little strength I had in me. I exited the back of the club, running down the steps. The door made a loud slamming sound behind me. I stood against the brick wall of the club, my back leaning against it.

I looked down to the pavement as I placed my right hand on my heart, feeling how fast my heart was pulsing. The sweating and trembling of my body allowed my phone to slip out my left hand. I watched it hit the floor, remaining next to an empty beer can. I put both of my hands on my chest, trying to stop myself from hyperventilating. It was no use. I was having a panic attack.

I had panic attacks before. Mostly due to stress. None of them were as worse as this one was. None of them were also because of heartbreak.I felt more tears roll down my cheeks. I hated myself. I hated myself for crying over him. I hate myself for getting myself into this situation. I hated how easily I allowed Harry into my life. I hate how I willing lost myself as I tried to change to impress Harry. I hate how I chose to spend time with people I barely knew for him. I hate myself because I'm not what Harry wants. Mostly, I hate myself because after all this of him not noticing me, I still choose to stay. I still chose him over me. Ever since the day I met him, I chose him. And he chose her. He chose her and instead of hating him for it, I hate myself. I hate myself for something that I could not control. That's the most fucked up part of it. I chose to blame myself for something he did.

I shouldn't be blaming myself for what he did. I shouldn't be crying over him. I shouldn't be holding myself from what I want to say because of fear he wouldn't like what I say. I shouldn't be the one standing outside next to a trash can when I could be inside meeting someone else. I shouldn't have let those things happen to me. I didn't deserve for those things to happen to me. I deserved better.

 Better. 

I deserved better.

BUZZZZ.

I looked down to the ground to see my phone vibrating on the concrete. I bent down, picking it up. I turned the phone over to see the screen cracked on top. There was a crack in between the two r's in Harry's name. Harry.

I couldn't answer. I couldn't when I knew Kendall and Bella probably told him about me crying over the kiss. I knew Bella was watching me when I watched Kendall and Harry kiss and of course, she would tell Kendall. I couldn't answer when i know Harry knows. It would more embarrassing if I tried to make up an excuse when he already knew the truth. I embarrassed myself as more than I possibly could.I declined the call and custom texted him that I left and I was okay. 

I stepped away from the trash bins and walked out of the alleyway. I started to walk up the block away from any paparazzi. As I walked, I passed by strangers who gave me odd looks. They never seen a crying girl with mascara running down her cheeks in a party dress before. They never were also in a place like me. Trying to be with someone you could never have. Trying for once for things to go your way. Trying to become someone else to impress the person who love. I was done. 

I was done.

*HARRY'S POV*

"She likes you! Why else would she be crying over you if she didn't?" Kendall yelled, following me into the dining room of my apartment.

I itched the back of my head as I hoped it would clear it. I am trying to make sense of everything that happened tonight but Kendall is making that worse for me.

"She was probably crying over us when she came over too" Kendall added. "Teary eyes from allergies don't need that many tissues"

I took out my phone from my pocket and opened it. I pressed on my messages and tapped on Y/N's name, expecting her to response to one of the many texts I sent her. There was none though. Besides the one saying she left, there was none. She wouldn't answer my two voicemails I left either.

"Are you going to do something about her?" Kendall asked me. "You said she is only a friend to you"

I closed my phone and set it on the dining table. I turned around to Kendall who had her arms crossed.I opened my lips to speak but I couldn't. There was nothing I could say that made sense now. 

I was too stunned to believe Y/N could have felt something for me. I didn't imagine she would. She didn't seem like the person that would. She always seemed different from every other woman in my life. I thought she would like someone else that was similar to her. Not me.

"I don't know" I said, looking away from Kendall trying to think. "She is a friend to me"

"Did you tell her that?" Kendall asked. "Because I don't need her trying to kiss you here when I'm in Milan"

"I wouldn't let her do that" I told Kendall, pushing the front strands of my hair back. "And she wouldn’t"

"Okay" Kendall said, uncross one her arms. "I would tell her still, H. I know what it feels like having someone who can't have. It's better to let her go before she tries to fuck you"

I shut my eyes, letting out a sigh. 

I'm trying to refrain from getting into a fight with Kendall over this as much as it is a mess already. It all seemed to become a mess ever since that end of the tour party in LA. Ever since then, Kendall started to get protective and began to misunderstand what I mean. At first, I thought it was cute. Now, it almost seemed unbearable. She didn't trust or understand me enough to know I wouldn't let anyone do that.I looked to her, giving her an insincere smile.

"Fuck me?" I asked, chuckling. "You think I would allow her to fuck me?"

Kendall stepped towards me, smiling as she tried to come up with an answer.

"Of course not" Kendall said. "It's just you were such a flirt when we met and now . . ."

"You think I haven't changed" I said, finishing her words. "You think I haven't changed? Why would you want to be with me if I didn't change?"

"I didn't mean it like that, H" Kendall raised her voice. "And I wanted to be with you because you help me be better! You inspire me to be better! That's what you said to me too! Don't you remember when you came back from playing pool tennis with her?"

"Of course I do" I told her. "That's not the point I'm trying to make-"

"Why do you even care about this so much?" Kendall asked, throwing her hands in the air in frustration. "We're both not innocent!"

"Maybe because I trusted you to break up with Ben while you were still with him! That's why!" I shouted at her. 

Kendall stepped back, surprised with what I had said. I looked down to the floor.

 I knew I shouldn't have shouted at her yet I couldn't help but be relieved. I've been meaning to tell her that earlier but I was too afraid if I did, she would leave. I always had a fear of being alone and Kendall helped me a bit with that. Somehow recently when I'm with her, I began to feel more alone. As if I wasn't in the right place.

"I'm sorry" I heard Kendall say.

I raised my head to her. She began to walk over to me. She wrapped her arms around my waist, hugging me.

"I'm sorry" Kendall apologized again. "I love you a lot"

She buried her face in my neck. I could feel her wet lips leave kisses down my neck. 

Love. Love doesn’t make you that protective of another person. At least I didn’t love someone enough to know that. I didn’t love Kendall enough to know that. Maybe because I wasn’t in the right relationship with someone to love. Kendall wasn’t that someone. 

“I don’t want to be with you” I said. “I don’t want to be with you anymore” 

[dark-canary]

Earthly Events and Visceral Visions.

Hail and Hallowed Hunting my friends and fellow witches. It has been a hot minute! I've been fairly busy trying to get myself sorted since the New Moon. And I have quite a few little things to update you on, plus a trance that I did today. I'm afraid this is going to be a long post but I'm going to try and get better about updating more regularly (now that I have a proper schedule for myself) so that you'll get short frequent posts instead of long ones. So, first thing is first, some mundane personal life updates. I went out for Valentine's Day Weekend and had a lovely time. Got some new clothes. Went out to eat. Got some new tennis shoes so I can work out without pinched toes and a cute pair of boots because they were buy one get one and I couldn't resist. I've been delving into creating low carb meals, finding things that work that also taste good. If you guys would be interested in some recipes like that please let me know. I made an amazing stew the other night and it was probably the best one I've ever had. I had my Full Moon ritual Tuesday and I know I didn't post about it. I usually do but this ritual was unfortunately fairly unproductive. I had trouble focusing and staying in trance so it didn't feel like I accomplished much. That same day I went for a consultation for the tattoo that I intend to get. One that is both an offering and a symbol of myself and my faith. It's fairly detailed and I hope it turns out well. I'll be getting it done on Friday and should be able to post some pictures then. I also made some daily goals for myself to fit into my schedule. To workout or do some cardio for at least 30 minutes, meditate for at least 30 minutes, stay below 30 net carbs a day (because carbs make me really sick if I eat too many of them), and to write a minimum of 500. So far I've been keeping to those for the most part. But honestly some days I feel accomplished if I complete even just one or two of them in a day. I've reached the 6,000 wordmark on a story that I'm writing which is more than I've written (as far as stories and poetry go) in the last year, maybe two. I'm losing the weight I gained from my Valentine's week splurge (who can resist discounted chocolates???). Though truthfully it's because I spent the first half of that week having to eat cheap food of convenience because I was dead broke and the second half eating rich celebratory foods. So it serves me right. But I'm holding strong now and plan to continue to do so. Meditation has been the hardest goal to achieve honestly. I haven't been very focused lately, not since my Full Moon ritual, and that's exactly why I decided to meditate every day. But I've really been struggling with it. So today I sat down and made myself descend into trance instead of trying to do a light meditation. And this trance was much more vivid than the one I received during my Full Moon Ritual. So I am going to share that trance with you. Warning: Mild gore in the form of skinning an animal. Keep in mind this was just a vision. The first thing I remember is blood. War, pain, chaos, death. Anguish. And my hands, covered in blood and clutching a black staff with the bones of ravens or crows strung to it, held together like biology skeletons on wires. They moved with my movements. Wings flapping, rattling, while the black cloth draped and draped again around my body waved and winged with the wind. And I saw the ocean in front of me, waves moving as I moved with the staff. Rising higher. Dangerous but remaining offshore. And behind me, the woods, dark and snow covered, hollowed by silence and filled with watching eyes. And then, in rapid succession, the dark wood rising up and closing around me like ocean waves, blackness and the sun being swallowed by the moon and then those two swallowed again by the jaws of darkness. And finally the mushroom cloud of an atom bomb originating at the tallest tree I  had ever seen, followed by endless void. A nothingness between myself and that cloud as it morphed into a petaled rose that was handed to me. And when I let it go it drifted from my hand and became an orb and from that orb burst a butterfly. When it cleared from my vision I was in the woods once more, within the snowfall and silence. And I was, in very vivid detail, skinning a wolf. I could feel the blade in my hand slicing skin from muscle beneath, the glide and glint of it. Felt as it cut through bone, remove four paws and the head. Could sense the ceremony and sadness in these actions, the sickness it caused inside of me. Regret, guilt, resignation, nausea, and then hardening of body and soul a strength in doing what needed to be done even if I didn't want to do it. I pulled the fir, still covered in blood, and draped it over my shoulders. When I stood again, the paws of the beast were dangling from a necklace made of leather chord and other bones around my neck. I sensed more than saw the other carcasses. The remaining of an entire pack of wolves. Not just one. But the black paws around my neck, the black and gray and white fir draped over my shoulders, belonged to the head of that pack. There was a strange shift, and I saw myself walking from the woods from outside of myself, standing in a clearing that I was walking into. The woods were black behind me, dark beneath the blinding snow. And my hair was wild, slicked with gore, clumped and curled with it. My movements were surefooted, steady, cold, but my eyes were just as wild as that hair. And I seemed to see myself because the one walking from those woods looked right at me and smiled. A strange, sad, crazed, composed smile. All of these emotions flashing at once. Then, I snapped back into my body and woke. And that was the end of the trance. It was so vivid, so visceral, that it left me feeling quite strange after but I was happy I did it in the end. If I'm feeling up to it I may descend again tomorrow. But I have a planned trance for this Friday so if I don't get to it before then it's alright. I want to thank you all again for your patience. I know I go for stretches at a time in silence and suck at keeping you guys up to date sometimes. Especially lately. But I am trying to get better. My door is always open, both asks and dms, so if you ever have any questions or comments don't hesitate to reach out. Be safe everyone! I'll update again very soon. Hallowed Hunting, Aria

[azuleif]

11 Questions!

I was tagged by @gardenoftulip, @nessajjewell and @rueitae to answer some questions. Thank you all, you made me feel special! 💚💙

Rules:

1.always post the rules

2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you

3. Write 11 questions of your own

4. Tag 11 people you want to get to know better

Sorry this got a bit long!

Questions from @gardenoftulip

1. Name 3 things in nature you find the most beautiful? The sky, stars and animals.

2. What's the funniest way you've been injured? I'm clumsy. I could fill an entire post with stupid and funny ways I've gotten hurt! The most recent though, was probably trying to walk across a clear living room floor with a dead leg. I tripped over literally nothing and managed to sprain pretty much everything possible in my ankle! I spent 12 weeks in a walking cast... 

3. If you could ask your pet 3 questions, what would they be? Can you please exist? 😂 I don't have a pet, sadly. I would LOVE a cat though.

4. What are your pet peeves? Hmm, tough one. Maybe when people interrupt me for no reason when I'm watching or listening to something. Especially if I have headphones in. Can't you see I'm busy??? I'm 100% the kind of person that aggressively pauses my show until they're done.

5. What's the first thing you ate today? Toast! With marmite on.

6. What makes you laugh? A lot. It's not hard. But puns and bad jokes are especially a huge weakness of mine.

7. Do you have a hidden talent? If so, what? If I do, it must be really well hidden...

8. What's your zodiac sign? Does it fit your personality? I'll be honest, I have no idea about zodiac stuff. It's not something that interests me So I'm afraid I can't answer.

9. What is your favourite holiday? Any holiday that means I can stay home and not interact.... 😂

10. If you have one, who is your celebrity crush? Yoo Kihyun, the main vocalist from the Kpop group Monsta x. I think Jeremy Shada might be getting there too...

11. If you could be a genius at something, what would it be? Anything? Please? Okay seriously though, I'd have to say music. I love music, but I just don't have the skill for it myself.

Questions from @nessajjewell

1. What is your favourite food? My favourite food changes a lot. I guess the only consistent thing is fresh seasonal fruit?

2. place you've always wanted to go? A tour of Asia would be cool. Or France.

3. Favourite show? J-just one??! Voltron Legendary defender has to be my all time favourite, at the moment at least. But I also love shows like Scorpion, marvel's Gifted, miraculous ladybug, full metal alchemist and Teen titans.

4. Single or nah? Single!

5. Video game you last played? Monster Hunter.

6. Can you do a weird talent? Not that I can think of. What would even class as weird?

7. Tennis shoes or sneakers? Uh oh. I uh... what's the difference??

8. Soda or pop? As in fizzy drinks? I don't tend to drink any.

9. Favourite drink? Coffee! I live off the stuff!

10. What is your favourite hobby? Gaming. As much as I love drawing, it does sometimes get stressful, especially if it isn't working out how I want it too. Gaming is my stress relief and always fun~

11. Is there a store you go to frequently? I'm very introverted, and shops are sooooo stressful for me. I do all shopping online if I can! But I make exceptions for certain comic book, game and merch shops.

And finally, questions from @rueitae

1. Movies that had a great impact on you as a child - you know the ones you vividly remember watching as a kid? There are so many! Eldorado, Sinbad, Osmosis Jones and all the pokémon films really come to mind though.

2. What is your occupation? Or what do you want to do as a career? Tell me about it! My actual job is pretty boring, so I'll talk about my dream job instead! I've always wanted to be in game design. I love designing characters, and I would LOVE to be on a team that creates concept art for games.

3. Spinning rides or up and down rides? I get motion sickness really easily... But having said that, I love spinning rides for as long as I can enjoy them without feeling ill.

4. What is the most neat place you've ever visited? Would you live there? I haven't really travelled much, even within my own country. But I've been to Newcastle a few times to visit family, and I do love it there. I don't think I'd live there though, I'm a country girl and I think the city would overwhelm me too much after the novelty wore off.

5. How did you find your current fandom? My uncle watched Voltron before I did, when it first came out. We're really close and have similar tastes so when he got excited about it, I was definetly interested! I  kept putting it off though, and it wasn't until I kept seeing it on Tumblr through miraculous blogs I follow that I eventually watched it, only a month or two after my uncle did.

6. What's the hottest wing sauce you've ever eaten? I don't really know, sorry! But I do like spicy food.

7. What's the fic/art you've always wanted to write/draw but haven't gotten to for any reason. Oc? Original story? Tell me all about it! Oooh boy. I am ALWAYS coming up with story ideas. I have an entire universe of stories that I've wanted to write and draw since I was 13! I've got entire timelines and realities planned out, and even every single side character has concept art!

My favourite story of mine at the moment is probably Thieves Heart. It's so much fun to draw! And I love coming up with new ideas for it. I even love the designs I have for my main characters, Kyrad and Chiel, which is a rarity.

Kyrad is a thief because it's his family business.

Chiel is a thief because she loves the thrill of it all.

They keep crossing paths, and while Chiel adores the competition and might have a growing crush on her newfound rival, Kyrad isn't so keen. He'd much rather steal in peace.

He does have his eye on a cute but sassy civilian though, and has no idea she's actually the very same thief stealing all his hauls!

There's so much more I could say, amd although I really want to enthuse about all of my stories, its kind of nerve wracking and I also know that once I start, you literally can't shut me up. I get carried away easily...

I do keep toying with the idea of starting a webtoon, but my own lack of confidence holds me back I think.

8. Comfort food. if there is one snack/meal that is your go to- what is it? Maybe it's a drink? Any kind of hot food including rice, noodles or soup works for me. It could be my mum's chicken soup, it could be instant ramen. It depends a lot on my mood.

9. One person you really look up to as a role model. It's... really hard choosing just one person. I can't choose only one from my family, so I'll have to go for a friend of mine instead. She's a good 10 years older then me, but age doesn't matter. She's such a dear friend and I don't know what I'd do without her! She's helped me through so much. She has a lot of the same issues I have, and seeing how strong and amazing she is really inspires me. She's helped me with my anxiety in such a huge way, and if I could be a fraction of the person she is I'd be so happy. I want to help people like she's helped me through my problems. ❤

10. Favourite colour combination? Maybe pastel blue and silver?

11. What is your favourite outfit? That one clothing combination that makes you feel hip or comfortable or both. Just jeans and my Star Labs hoodie. My hoodie especially is my favourite piece of clothing and is so comfortable, it's baggy, it's soft and warm. I miss it every time it goes in the wash!

Again, thank you so much for this, it's been fun! I'm sorry it got so long.

I'd love to tag some people to answer some of my questions but not only have I spent a little too long on this already, but I'm a nervous wreck when it comes to tagging people So... oh well?

[banditchika]

himari: bro we are bandmates

fandom: bandori

ship: tsuguhima (with some... interesting implications)

words: 2461

ao3 link

"You... what?" Tsugu's eyes were wide and round. Her soft pink mouth fell open, the way it always did when she was surprised or confused.

Himari stared, then realized she was staring and looked anywhere else. The stuffed squirrel that Ran had won Tsugu a few years back had never seemed so interesting. It was weird to pay that much attention to a friend's lips, right? Probably. At least, Himari thought so.

She hoped Tsugu hadn't noticed. She didn't want to make Tsugu uncomfortable—any more uncomfortable than she already was, anyways.

"I mean—I was just thinking," Himari stammered. "Only if you wanted to. You don't have to agree!" She tried for a reassuring smile, but Tsugu gawked like Himari's eyebrows had suddenly transformed into caterpillars. Huge failure!

But okay. That was fine. Himari could salvage this. She picked at the charm bracelet around her wrist, the delicate metal hearts and music notes warm from her skin. "It's just that we haven't had our first kisses yet, right!? I don't wanna be, y'know, bad at it when the real thing actually happens, so... um."

"So you want to kiss me?" Tsugu tugged at her collar. Her forehead was pinched, the choppy fringe of her bangs sitting at angles above her brows. Himari wanted to smooth that furrow away.

She also wanted to fix Tsugu's bangs, which were never ever properly styled and which were the result of letting Afterglow near her hair with scissors, but one thing at a time. She was already asking a lot from Tsugu, and even if every bone in her body screamed at her to play it off, play it off, keep it cool, say it was a joke—she had to get Tsugu to say yes, because Himari wanted this so badly.  

"I mean... it makes sense for it to be you!" Himari shrugged as carelessly as she could, channeling some of Tomoe’s easy confidence and coolness. Yeah. Himari was so cool, she asked to kiss one of her very best friends in the world like, every day. "You're also single, right?"

"I am, but technically, none of us are dating ..." Tsugu mumbled, dragging her gaze from Himari's face. "You could ask Moca-chan. She'd probably say yes right away."

"Yeah, but you know how Moca is with me! She'd never let me live it down," groaned Himari, flopping over their workbooks. She stretched her arms across the low table, reaching with grasping fingers for Tsugu, whose frown cracked into a faint smile. She rested her hand over Himari's, warm and delicate and soft. "Ran too—she'd think I was weird if I asked her, and you know how she and Moca are!"

Yeah, those two? No way, no way! Ran wouldn't even need to say anything for Moca to find out. When it came to Ran, Moca always seemed to know. If Himari went to Ran, there was absolutely no doubt that Moca would be leaning against her desk the very next day, eyebrows waggling and leering hard enough for Himari to cross her arms over her chest.

"Yeah..." Tsugu's voice was very soft. Himari turned her cheek to follow Tsugu as she rose from the table, knees popping, and curled up on the bed. She clutched Ran's stuffed squirrel to her chest and peered at Himari from between its ears. It was cute—the super special, Afterglow-only Tsugu-brand cute. "That's right, huh? They're always on the same wavelength."

There was something about Tsugu's voice and the way she watched Himari that had her heart stammering. Like someone had smashed a ball right into Himari's stomach, driving her breath from her lungs and Himari to her knees. Thank goodness she's sitting. "Yep, you get what I mean, right!? And I can't—I just can't ask Tomoe, y'know?"

Tsugu hummed thoughtfully, and Himari’s stomach churned. This wasn’t a “tennis ball in her gut”-ache; this was a “ran too many laps in the heat and am about to pass out” kind of ache, and Himari hated it something terrible. It made her feel off-balance, askew, and for once Tsugu wasn’t holding a hand out to catch her.

“Mmn,” Tsugu said at last. She slid off her bed, setting the squirrel on her pillow the way she usually served tea; like she was afraid she’d slip, and everything would break. “I think I know.”

“Yeah,” Himari sighed, and it sounded a little too much like an admission for her tastes. Tsugu watched her from the bedside, her hands tucked into the pockets of her cardigan. She was probably thinking very... Tsugurifically. That was her concentration face—eyes closed and lips turned down into something like a frown, but Tsugu was too sweet to wear anger very well. Mostly she just looked worried and stressed.

And this? All Himari’s fault. She regretted ever opening her mouth.

“Y-you know what, Tsugu? Just forget about it, it’s alright!” Himari slumped down in her seat and tugged sharply at the ends of her pigtails. “I didn’t mean to make things so-! I’m such a bad friend for asking this of you, I’m sorry—”

“Huh? Wait, Himari-chan! I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it.” There was a heavy thud, and Tsugu clasped Himari’s hands between her own, staring up from on her knees. “I was just… thinking it over, that’s all.”

“Aaah, hold on!” Himari shoved her chair back. She knelt, eye to eye with Tsugu, and—didn’t she see this in a drama once? Was she the swooning heroine here or one of several brooding love interests?

Tsugu cupped her face. Oh. Yeah, no, Himari was the heroine in this situation. Definitely. Either that, or Tsugu was the kind of protagonist to dip kiss her brooding lover in the rain, and—yeah, she had to admit, that checked out too.

Tsugu was pretty Tsugurific all the time, everywhere; it shouldn’t surprise her that Tsugu wasn’t the type to go easy here either.

But while part of her wanted to close her eyes and let Tsugu do—whatever she wanted to do, Himari had morals! Concerns! Moral concerns, and she had to get them out of the way before any kind of kissing happened. “Wait, Tsugu! Ts-u-u-gu! Hold up!”

“Eh?” Tsugu dropped her like a used pad. “W-what’s wrong? Are you having second thoughts?”

“No, I still wanna do it!” Himari’s voice cracked embarrassingly. Wow. Okay, she wasn’t looking too cool right now. “I mean… I just want to be sure that I didn’t make you feel like you had to or something. I don’t mean to be pushy or force you, or…” Himari snapped her fingers, trying for the right words. They evaded her. She settled for waving her hands around, shooing imaginary flies away. “Like… you know?”

Tsugu nodded slowly. Himari’s chest swelled, and her eyes prickled with a familiar burn—that was the best part about childhood friends! They always understood you, even if it wasn’t always perfect. There was no one who knew you better and no one else that could fill in the gaps so well or easily. Himari really was so lucky to have Afterglow, and in this moment, to have Tsugu.

“You’re not pushing me, Himari-chan. I wasn’t sure at first because it’s kind of… um.” Tsugu closed her eyes, deep in thought. “Mmn… weird? It’s kind of weird for you to ask, I mean.”

Kind of weird for her? Specifically her? “Hey! That’s not a compliment, isn’t it?”

“But it’s not much weirder than usual!” Tsugu chirped, pumping her fists. Himari mimed being shot in the heart and doubled over. Her brow brushed the mesh of Tsugu’s tights, and oh—it was so easy to fall into the rhythm of Afterglow’s usual banter that Himari could almost forget what they were doing. What they were about to do.

Tsugu pushed her back up. Her face was painfully earnest when Himari looked to her, round brown eyes and rosy cheeks and faint, dimpled smile. “So… I’m okay with it. Really, Himari-chan, you don’t have to worry about me. We can do it together, if that’s what you want.”

“R-really?” Himari clasped Tsugu’s narrow shoulders. “Really, really!?”

“Yes, really, really,” laughed Tsugu, and before Himari could crow or cheer or laugh or—or even prepare her heart—Tsugu put both hands on either side of her face and leaned in.

The kiss was… nothing at all like what Himari expected. Tsugu’s lips were a bit dry, and Himari’s felt as though they had too much gloss. It kinda felt like if Tsugu kissed even a little harder, her lips would just go sliding down Himari’s chin and into her lap, which was definitely not the best friend zone at all!

She didn’t really have the experience to tell whether or not it was a good kiss. Their lips slid against each other, pressing a little too hard, then too lightly, and Himari wasn’t sure whether she should breathe. Breathing was kind of important, right? Was Tsugu breathing?

(She was pretty sure Tsugu was breathing. She was tracing circles at the hinge of Himari’s jaw with her thumbs, and that took oxygen. Himari hoped she wouldn’t stop.)

Were there fireworks? Nah. Stars and hearts? Definitely not.

But Tsugu’s hands were warm. They pulled her in, and Tsugu kissed carefully, gently, as though Himari could take off at any moment. Which was weird because—because Himari wanted this. She wouldn’t run off for no reason, not when she was the one who asked.

Maybe because it was Tsugu. Maybe because it was technically her first kiss, even if she wasn’t sure it counted because—well, you know. But Himari liked this. It was nice, and Tsugu was nice. She asked the right person, after all.

Himari’s cheeks were flushed when Tsugu pulled away. Tsugu’s lips were shiny with Himari’s watermelon gloss, and she swore she would catch on fire when Tsugu licked her lips, looking thoughtful.

“That was… um. Thanks so much?” Himari offered, because Tsugu. What the fuck.

“Y-you’re welcome.” Tsugu covered her mouth with her hand. Her dark, dark eyes were wide, like she couldn’t believe what she had done. Himari couldn’t believe it either, and she was the one Tsugu did it to. “Was that…?”

“Oh! Oh boy, uh—that was good!” In the streets, a dog broke into a chorus of barks. Maybe Himari had finally done it: at last, her voice had reached a pitch that only animals could hear. “It was really good, Tsugu!”

Tsugu smiled, reddened cheeks dimpling. She sat with her hands in her lap, prim and proper even while Himari felt as though she should be fixing her hair, her lipgloss, unbuttoning her shirt… something that wasn’t staring at Tsugu’s lips, trying to figure out her kissing sorcery. “Waah… I’m glad.”

Tsugu said it so quietly, with so much pleasure that Himari couldn’t help herself. “Uuu… Ts-u-u-gu!”

“Ah!”

They went crashing as Himari flung herself on top of Tsugu, burying her tears in the soft fabric of Tsugu’s favorite cardigan. “Ts-u-u-gu, thank you sooo much-!”

“Um, is this really something you should be thanking me so much for?” She sounded like she was fighting back a giggle, but smoothed her hand over Himari’s spine anyways. “This is kinda embarrassing, Himari-chan…”

“You’ve saved me! Goddess Tsugu!”

“Ahahaha… that’s definitely too much.”

Tsugu helped Himari back to her chair and handed her tissues. Himari blew her nose and, squinting, tossed the crumpled wad of damp tissues into Tsugu’s deskside wastebasket. Point and score for Uehara!

Tomoe was the big one in Afterglow, sure, and Moca’s athleticism was really terrifying, actually, but Himari was a star tennis player! She was practically a jock by Afterglow’s standards.

Wait. Oh, shit. Wait.

Afterglow.

How was she…

How was she going to tell them? Himari’s good mood evaporated. She swallowed, cold sweat chilling her temples, her neck.

She used to love the swings when she was little. She’d swing up, up, up, and when she went as high as her little grade school body could take her, she would slip off the seat and tumble onto the grass, where Tomoe would laugh and Ran would watch her with huge, admiring eyes.

She felt like that now. But instead of landing on grass or spongy playground foam, Himari felt as though she’d crashed into earth. Her ears buzzed. It was—wow, it was kind of hard to breathe.

Tsugu was bustling about her room, satisfied that Himari was satisfied. Himari watched her. If… if it was Tsugu, it would be okay, right? Tsugu wouldn’t get mad at her. Tsugu would understand. Yeah, Tsugu had always been the most gentle of them; she hated it when they fought and always tried so, so hard to please.

She was too sweet to wear anger well. Yeah. Yeah, Tsugu wouldn’t mind.

“Hey, Tsugu?” Himari’s voice was distant even to her own ears. Tsugu turned, and Himari couldn’t even look at her face. She stared instead at the squirrel on Tsugu’s bed. Its blank marble eyes almost seemed accusing. “Can you… um. Is it okay if I ask you for one more favor?”

“Sure, Himari-chan. I’ll try my best. What is it?”

“Can you… can we keep this a secret between us? Like, not tell Tomoe or Ran or Moca.” Moca had a way of finding this stuff out on her own, but Himari wouldn’t make it easy. She only hoped that Tsugu wouldn’t either. “I don’t really want them to know.”

Tsugu was silent.

Himari licked her lips, and they didn’t taste familiar. Maybe it was because most of the gloss was kissed off. Maybe it was the guilt. “N-not because it wasn’t good or anything! I’m grateful, really. I am. I’m just… just…”

“It’s okay, Himari-chan.” Tsugu’s voice was strained. Himari chanced a glance at her. She was staring at her neatly-marked calendar and very carefully not blinking, lips pressed together in a trembling line. She tried to smile anyways, and Himari’s heart plummeted. She was awful. Terrible. The absolute worst. “I, um. I understand.”  

“Tsugu!”

“No, really I do!” Tsugu cleared her throat. “I-I think I should go check on the cafe? It’s about—um.” Her voice broke. “About rush hour now, so Mum and Dad might need some extra hands...”

She rounded the table and Himari didn’t dare to stop her when she passed.

Tsugu tugged the bedroom door open, narrow shoulders hunched up to her ears. “Mum’s trying out a new cake recipe, so I’ll bring up a slice in a bit! Just stay put, okay?”

“Alright…”

The door clicked shut, and Himari was alone. She pressed her forehead against the table. Tears burned down her cheeks, and Himari couldn’t suppress a shaky sigh.

Stupid.

[vitki-x-visindi-blog]

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

I’m not really good at talking about myself unless prompted, so I’m just snagging a Bio Template and a Questionnaire and filling it out. I might add to it, IDK. I know you’re supposed to be asked these and then answer, but I don’t have any followers, soooo... BASIC INFORMATION Full name: Nah. Call me Vitki. It kinda means something like “shaman” in old Norse. Visindi means “knowledge”, which I’m always after. I love learning things. Pronunciation: “Vit-kee” “Vis-IN-dee” Nickname(s) or Alias: I haven’t chosen a male name yet, so we’ll stick with Vitki or V. Gender: FtM. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you move on, or “DNI”, as the kids say. Species: Age: 28... I think? Birthday: 9/24 Sexuality: How do you get the eggplant emoji when you’re on the computer... Nationality: Idk. I’m a whole jumble of things. I look like your typical white American, though. Religion: I don’t even know. I think the best way to put it is Atheistic Asataru Shamanism... I’m still figuring myself out. Place of birth: South Carolina. Current Resident: Indiana. Languages: English. I know. I’m mundane and sad. I want to learn another language, though. I just don’t have a way to take classes or anything. Relationship Status: Married PHYSICAL APPEARANCE Height: 5ft 3in Weight: 180lbs. Yeah, I’m chubby. I don’t have the motivation to do anything about it, though. I do have a goal, btw. I swear I’ll never crack 200lbs. Hair Colour: Black, usually Hairstyle: Short, messy Facial Hairstyle: Clean, right now. I haven’t transitioned, so I really can’t do anything about that. Eye Colour: Brown Tattoos: None yet, unfortunately, Piercings: Ears HEALTH Smoker? Nope. Never. Drinker? RARELY. I can’t really handle the smell of alcohol, so I kind of avoid it unless I feel like I NEED to get a little drunk. Even then, I really only drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade and shit like that. Recreational Drug User? Which? No. And I would ONLY consider cannabis. First off, though, it’s illegal. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it was legal, and I do wish it was so cops could focus on shit that needs to be dealt with. Smoking anything just doesn’t appeal to me. Addictions: None that I can think of. Allergies: None that I know of. Any physical ailments/illnesses/disabilities: I am SUPER. FUCKING. BLIND. Without my contacts. And I get worse every year. I’m really terrified of getting so bad that contacts and glasses can’t fix it. PERSONALITY Personality: Likes: Dislikes: Fears/phobias: Talents/skills: EATING HABITS Omnivore/Carnivore/Herbivore:  Favourite food(s): Favourite drink(s): Disliked food(s):  Disliked drink(s):  HOUSE AND HOME Favourite type of house/home:  Do you share their home with anyone? Who?  Significant/special belongings:  CAREER Level of education:  Current job title and description:  FAMILY, FRIENDS AND FOES Parents names: Are parents alive or dead?  Still in contact with your parents?  Siblings? Relationship with siblings?  Other Important Relatives: Partner/Spouse:  Children:  Best Friend:  Other Important Friends:  Pets:  50,000 Questions 1. What’s your favourite colour? Icy blue. It used to be red, maroon, or terra cotta, but my personality has kind of... calmed down since then, I guess. That doesn’t mean I don’t still get mad, though.

2. What’s your favourite movie? Forever Lion King. I do really like other movies, but if I had to watch only one for the rest of my life, it would have to be Lion King.

3. What’s your favourite book? I don’t really have a favourite book. I really like a few different series, though. Harry Potter is a big one, but I really like Guardians of Ga’Hoole as well. I feel like it doesn’t get the recognition it deserves because the movie didn’t give it justice (even if it was really good on its own). I also used to be REALLY in to Warriors, but I’ve kind of resented the Erins ever since the “bad kid atheists” arc. Don’t even get me started on that.

4. What’s your favourite kind of food? Italian, I think. I’m super, ungodly picky, but I feel like a lot of the food I can eat is used in Italian food a lot.

5. What's your favourite kind of weather? Storms. Precipitation. Rain, sleet, hail, snow, anything. Also heat storms are nice.

6. What’s your favourite season? It’s between Autumn and Winter. Really, just the 6 months out of the year that aren’t sweltering hot. I hate heat.

7. Have you ever been in love? Well, I’m married, so I’d have to say yes.

8. What’s your favourite animal? Don’t ask me that. It all depends on my mood at the time.

9. Favourite thing about where you live? It’s a little bigger than a town and a helovalot smaller than a city, but it’s close enough to where the interesting places aren’t a day’s drive away.

10. Have you ever been overseas? No. The closest I can say is I lived in Hawaii for three years, but that doesn’t really count.

11. What’s your favourite place in the whole world? Any place that doesn’t have people in it.

12. What’s your favourite kind of music? I’m not too certain, really. My taste is kind of eclectic. I grew up on country, so of course I hate it now. I like Evanescence, Linkin Park, Five Finger Death Punch, Disturbed, Three Days Grace, Nickleback (I know), Seether, Eminem, Korn, and certain songs from certain bands, but not the band itself. I honestly really love pagan-style bands like Omnia, Faun, and others.

13. Where would you like to visit? Anywhere in the UK or thereabouts, really. England, Scotland, Ireland, Norway, etc.

14. Biggest fears? My biggest fears have always been giving birth and having my spine messed with. I’ve done both twice, so I’m good. Mostly I’m just afraid we’re never going to be able to live in our own house, which isn’t the end of the world, really.

15. Do you believe in the paranormal? I don’t know. There’s things I’d really LIKE to believe in, but once you’re an atheist and a skeptic, it’s REALLY hard to believe in anything that can’t be proven logically.

16. What’s your star sign? Libra... Or Virgo, if you add that weird 13th zodiac...

17. Favourite sport? I actually hate sports. But I do respect the old ones like soccer (the rest of the world’s football) and tennis. I don’t follow any team for anything, but if I absolutely had to watch one for the rest of my life, it would probably be UFC or Hockey. They’re just fun to watch.

18. Do you collect anything? Animal figurines, when I can... There’s other things I’d like to collect, but I don’t have the space or money for them. 

19. What’s something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Hot Chocolate, Kittens, Puppies, 

20. Do you play any instruments? Besides the basic recorder, my first instrument I’ve ever played was the French Horn. I don’t know why. After that it was the snare drum, which I enjoyed a lot more. I played a little bit of the drum set when I was in school too. But I really don’t play anything now. I’d like to play the drum set again some day, though.

21. What’s your favourite drink? Hot Chocolate is good for cooler days, but my other favourites are Cherry Dr. Pepper, Cherry Pepsi, Lemonade, and Raspberry flavored anything.

22. What’s your favourite holiday? Halloween. Christmas/Yule/Saturnalia/Winter Solstice is a very close second, but I get more excited for Halloween/Samhain than my own birthday, which is a month before it.

23. Do you have any hobbies? I used to do this thing called drawing. And this other thing... I think it was writing? Sadly, I don’t have time any more to do those things, being a parent and all...

24. Do you prefer day or night? Night. Forever. I hate the day time. Night is so much quieter.

25. Do you have any bad and/or anxious habits? I used to pick at my nails, then it was my eyebrows, for some reason. Right now, I’m picking at scabs on my scalp. I need to quit that.

26. What’s your favourite kind of fashion? IDK. I mostly dress in a t-shirt and jeans. If I had the money, I’d probably buy some badass gothic shit or modern versions of old-timey garb.

27. Do you believe in anything enough to fight for it? Physically? IDK. I’ve never fought anyone in my life. I mean, I’d rip the spines out of people’s backs if they mess with my kids or anyone I love, but to fight for an idea is different. I guess if it came down to people’s rights being taken away and shit, like if they were to cart my loved ones into a concentration camp, I’d be having something to “say”...

28. Do you have any obsessions? Frequently

29. How do you deal with stress? I don’t

30. Do you want children? I have 2

[greysfanpage388]

On The Brink - part 2

Hey there guys- here it is finally, part 2 of ‘On The Brink.’, the post season 13 finale collaboration between myself and the lovely @ferryboatsscrubcaps

So sorry for the long wait, we were both being kept busy with work and other stuff going on in life. I am also juggling writing ‘Amnesia’.

But here is the chapter, enjoy and do let us know what you think! :)

The link to chapter 1 is below- do check it out if you haven’t ;)

http://ailingnoor.tumblr.com/post/163080769386/on-the-brink

Owen’s eyes widened as he put two and two together.

Was he really interpreting it right? Was Amelia really hinting to him that she was pregnant and suffering from morning sickness?

He didn’t want to get his hopes up though, so he decided to confirm it with her first.

‘ Amelia, are you pregnant?’ he asked, an expectant tone in his voice. He was afraid to hear her answer though, for fear of being disappointed again.

‘ Yes, 4 months now.’ she answered meekly as she wiped her face dry after rinsing her mouth. ‘ And yes, it’s yours in case you’re wondering.’

Owen’s heart leapt for joy, but he remained calm for Amelia’s sake, not wanting to scare her off.

This was the moment he had always dreamt of, being a father. But now that the moment had come, he didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t the circumstance in which he had imagined to find out the news. He had always imagined that his wife would give him a pleasant surprise, by presenting him with a wrapped up gift, and he would open it to reveal a positive pregnancy test. He would then embrace his wife gleefully and they both would shed tears of joy at having created a new life together out of their love for each other. Unfortunately, the circumstances in which he found out about this pregnancy were less than ideal. He and Amelia hadn’t been together for a few months since she had run away from him. Furthermore, with Megan now being found alive and returning to them, it was already a lot to handle without throwing a baby into the mix. What bad timing for such wonderful news.

‘ Is everything ok?’ he asked softly. He wanted to hug her tight, tell her that he loved her, kiss her forehead, rub her belly and tell her that everything is going to be alright, but there were so many things unspoken between them. He settled for giving her hand a comforting squeeze instead.

She nodded, blinking back the tears starting to form in her eyes. She had been more hormonal than usual and cried a lot more easily lately. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

‘ Arizona performed the detailed scan on me last week and everything was fine. Our baby is developing normally and she didn’t detect any abnormalities.’ she answered.

She didn’t tell him how she didn’t sleep the entire night before the scan, as she played in her head the possibility of the baby being anencephalic and wondered what would she do if the baby turned out to be anencephalic. She decided to keep secret from him how she cried in tremendous relief when Arizona told her that the baby was healthy and had a head. She didn’t let him know how she hid her pregnancy for a few months prior to the scan because she wanted to make sure the baby was fine and developing normally before she told anyone. She didn’t tell him how she spent all those lonely nights staring up at the ceiling and praying to the powers above to let this baby be healthy, because she couldn’t handle having another anencephalic baby.

‘ That’s great, I’m glad that everything is going on well.’ Owen nodded earnestly.  Part of him wanted to jump for joy and delight at the news , but another part of him knew that he had to give her some space as things between them were not really as they were before.

‘ Yeah, ‘ Amelia nodded in reply, giving him a small smile.

There were so many things running through Owen’s mind at that moment. He wanted to ask how she felt when she found out, why didn’t she tell him earlier, how had the pregnancy been treating her so far.

Instead, all that came out of his mouth was a simple request.

‘ Can I feel our baby?’

Amelia nodded as tears suddenly filled her eyes again.

‘ Yes, of course you can.’ she answered in a shaky voice.

Owen carefully closed the gap between them and slowly lifted up Amelia’s oversized shirt. He let out a soft gasp as he saw it- the small but prominent bulge on her belly. After a few months of not being in close contact with her, the change was obvious. It was too good and too surreal to be true- this was his own child, his and Amelia’s child which they had both created.

In awe, he slowly reached out his right hand to touch the bulge where their baby was safety buried inside.

As his hand made contact with her abdomen, Amelia felt herself being enveloped by a warm sensation. How she missed his touch!

He pulled her closer as he slowly and gently rubbed her belly.

‘ Hey bean.’ he whispered. ‘ It’s me, your daddy. I just found out about you and I love you so much already. I can’t wait to meet you.’

Amelia felt tears roll down her cheeks at Owen’s words. She internally chided herself for being so emotional lately.

Owen finally looked up at her, and seeing her tears, pulled her into a hug, feeling the small baby bump pressed against him.

‘It’s ok, we’re going to be fine.’ he whispered into her ear as he stroked her hair and felt her tears rolling down onto his shirt.

He released the hug and cupped her face in his hands.

‘ Amelia, we’re having a baby!’’ he proclaimed, with a wide smile on his face.

A dimpled smile slowly formed on Amelia’s face. She initially wasn’t sure what to feel about this pregnancy, especially since they both weren’t in a good place with regards to their marriage. However, Owen’s excitement was contagious, and coupled with the fact that the latest scan showed their baby to be healthy and developing normally, she allowed herself to feel the joy too.

She knew there were still some unresolved issues between them. She had yet to explain to him why she ran away ,and she had yet to tell him about her unicorn baby.

But right now, at this very moment, she allowed herself to celebrate the fact that they were going to be parents.

Their brief moment of joy and celebration was interrupted when Owen’s phone rang.

‘ Hello?’ he answered, his face still beaming with delight as he paused and listened to the person on the other end of the line.

‘ Oh, that’s great!’ he answered as a wide smile formed on his face. ‘We’ll be right there.’

Amelia looked at him questioningly as he hung up.

‘ The nurse in charge of Megan called.’ Owen answered her unspoken question. ‘ She said that Megan is awake.’

‘Let’s go!’ Amelia exclaimed, reaching to throw on the nearest sweatshirt and slipping on her tennis shoes. ‘

________________________________________________________________

Owen nearly sprinted down the hallway towards Megan’s room, but slowed near the door, being careful not to spook her.

Amelia remained back by the door as Owen slowly walked closer to Megan’s bed. She was facing the wall, turned away from Owen, but cautiously turned her head to see who was there. Owen expected some sort of inflated reaction upon her seeing him for the first time in years, even just a smile would’ve sufficed, but instead, her expression didn’t even change. She turned her head back towards the pewter colored wall. Owen’s face fell.

“You still look the same, Eeyore.” Megan muttered, her voice empty and distant. Owen scoffed.

“Megan,” Owen said awkwardly as he wiped a hand over his face. “It’s- it’s good to see you.” The pure shock in his voice was quite evident. Though he had seen her everyday in the hospital since she arrived, this was different because now she was awake. He heard her familiar voice and a wave of all sorts of emotions swept over him.

“ Right back at ya.” She said, not moving an inch.

“ I missed you. I can’t believe,” Owen sighed as he traced his hairline with his hand. “I can’t believe you’re here.” ‘”

There was a long pause. Amelia watched the exchange attentively from the door. Megan hadn’t noticed her yet, which was probably a good thing. Amelia had decided to keep her distance, since Megan didn’t even know she existed. She would slowly introduce herself to Megan and go from there.

“Yeah, everyone thought I was dead. They stopped looking.” Megan said, her voice still extremely cold with absolutely no emotion.

“Megan, I’m so sorry. But after all that time passed, and no sign of the chopper, it just seemed like….”Owen explained, trailing off.

“Yeah, I get it. It was easier to stop looking and claim we were all mysteriously dead and gone, than keep searching. I would’ve given up too.” She shifted a little in the bed and cleared her throat. “

“Megan, I-” Owen started, but Megan interrupted, “Stop, Owen.” She turned her head quickly to look at him. “I don’t blame you. I’m alive. You’re alive. That’s all that matters, okay? Enough with the stupid apologies and details.” She stared into his eyes for a moment and saw the mix of emotions on his face. She felt bad for him, and almost wanted to get up and give him the tightest hug ever. But she couldn’t; she wasn’t there yet. It was going to take a while to warm up to the idea of emotionally and physically interacting with her closest friends and family. She wasn’t exactly coddled for the past few years.

Amelia watched as Owen’s shoulders fell at Megan’s words. She could practically see the excitement and hope leave him and be replaced with confusion and hurt. She watched as he swallowed hard and squared his shoulders.

“Alright, well, I’ll come back later.”  He said, turning towards the door and walking out with heavy footsteps. Amelia gently laid a hand on his shoulder and followed his lead down the hallway, back out to the car.

He got in the driver’s seat after opening the passenger door for his wife. He put the keys in the ignition, but sat there unmoving, like he just couldn’t start the car yet. They sat in silence for a few moments, as Amelia knew that was what he needed. Finally, he broke the silence. “I’m not sure what to do.” He sighed heavily.

“I know, O. It’s hard. Neither of you know what to do.” Amelia replied softly.

Owen looked over at her, feeling grateful that she was there to support him. Megan’s reaction really hit him hard, but Amelia being there by his side softened the blow a bit.

“Thank you, Amelia. For being here.” Their eyes locked on each others for a moment, before his trailed down her torso towards her tiny bump. Even though she was wearing a sweatshirt, he thought, she still looked as gorgeous as the day he first met her and as when she walked down the aisle. “And thank you, little bean,” Owen said, smiling, towards the baby bump, “For bringing so much happiness into my life already. I love you both.” Amelia smiled, grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers together, finally getting the loving touch she’s been longing for for months. This was a good thing. He was a good thing.

________________________________________________________________

The couple shared small talk on the car ride home about the baby, possible nursery arrangements, and how they would tell their friends and family. Amelia was really enjoying this, sharing this joy with the love of her life. But the reservations were still there. No matter how many ultrasounds and blood tests she had done, or how many times Arizona reassured her that the baby was completely healthy, Amelia always had a nagging feeling in her telling her there was something wrong. After what she went through with her first child, she couldn’t allow herself to completely believe that her baby was healthy. She didn’t want Owen to notice her reservations, though.

“So what do you think, boy or girl?” Owen asked.

Amelia hesitated.

“It really doesn’t matter, though. I’ll be over the moon either way,” Owen practically swooned.

The baby wasn’t even here yet and he was already acting so adorable.

“Doesn’t matter to me, either. As long as it’s healthy, I’ll be happy,” Amelia said, trying to force a smile. She couldn’t stand that she was letting these stupid doubts and worries creep into her head. Owen could tell something was up, but didn’t want to push her too much.

He put the car in park as he rolled into its usual spot in their driveway. “Me too, Melia.” He smiled at her before getting out of the car to open the passenger door for her. As they entered their house, smelling the hint of cinnamon from their burners, Amelia sighed and sat down her purse on the barstools. She went to the fridge and pulled open the door, observing its contents for a minute before choosing a bottle of water and shutting the door. Owen lingered by the bar counter, sensing her off mood and feeling it out before he pushed for details.

“I’m really tired, O. I’m just going to head to bed, okay?” Amelia said with little emotion in her voice.

“Amelia, it’s eight o'clock.” Owen said, glancing out the big windows in their foyer and chuckling a little.

“Well… I’m just going to go read a little. I have some journals to catch up on. Some cool things have been going on at Mayo in their neuro research department.” Amelia said a little more excitedly, obviously trying to put on a front for Owen. She turned away and walked towards the grand staircase.

“Amelia….. you okay?” Owen asked, cocking his head a little and looking at her with sympathetic eyes. The classic Owen look.

She nodded and smiled, uttering a “mhm.”

She tried to go back up the stairs, but he interrupted again, “Okay, if you’re fine, then…” he sighed, “Goodnight.”

Amelia looked back to see him drop his head and run his hand over his forehead, furrowing his brows. She thought about going up the stairs and retreating to those medical journals. But instead she just stood there. She wanted to be able to share her concerns with him, but she just didn’t know what to say. And she knew it would lead to that argument. The one that’s been lingering between them since the moment she left home that day, since their argument in the stairwell, since she told him they were expecting. She swallowed hard, and looked up as she breathed out deeply. She walked back down the bottom few stairs and over towards where he was standing.

“I feel like I need to tell you-” Amelia hesitated, “I need to tell you how I’m feeling. How I’ve been feeling. I need to tell you…. just everything, O. But I don’t know how and I don’t want it to lead to a big fight. I want us to be happy - to be US again. And to do that we need to share everything with each other.” She blurted out.

This truly shocked Owen. His wife wasn’t one to willingly share her feelings - ever. He looked up at her as she spoke and listened intently. He was ready to have this talk. He wanted to hear her concerns, emotions and thoughts and be able to guide her through them. To tackle them - together. That’s what marriage was about.

‘Well, ok, I’m all ears.’ said Owen earnestly.  After his wife withdrawing from him the past few months, he was glad that she was finally willing to open up to him.

Amelia swallowed and took a deep breath before she began. This was the inevitable moment that she had been trying to avoid-  revealing the truth to her husband, barring her entire soul to him, telling him her deepest and darkest secrets.

‘Well, first of all, I’m so sorry for running away from you,’ she admitted in a small voice. She did indeed feel remorse for escaping from him. He had been so loving, kind and caring towards her and she ran away from him in return.

He remained quiet but nodded, silently urging her to continue.

‘I was just…...I was frightened, O. I went away because I needed some space and time, I needed time to breathe.’

‘I know, you told me that I was suffocating you.’ Owen replied, a bitter tone in his voice.

‘ No Owen, just listen to me, please. I haven’t finished my story!’ Amelia said exasperatedly.

‘Ok, go on.’ Owen conceded, folding his arms in front of his chest.  He was still furious about Amelia yelling at him about suffocating her shortly before she ran away. But he deserved an explanation from her and he was now finally getting one.

‘Do you know that I was actually so excited when I first thought that I was pregnant? In my excitement, I even went and blurted out to friends and colleagues that I thought I might be pregnant. April, Maggie and Meredith knew.  I even asked them about the best way to tell you. Then Meredith had to ruin it by saying that with Ellis she didn’t have to tell Derek as he was already dead. It was then I realized that the last time I had a baby, I didn’t have to tell the father because he was already dead. And it brought back all those memories about my first pregnancy.’ she said, her voice shaking.

‘Your first pregnancy?’ Owen asked curiously. He remembered her mentioning about her baby living for 43 minutes while they were in the hospital chapel after Samuel’s death. He didn’t probe her further about it then, as they were merely colleagues and didn’t know each other well back then.

Amelia nodded in reply.

‘Remember I told you about Ryan- my boyfriend back then who died of drug overdose?’ she asked softly, tears pooling in her eyes at the mention of Ryan’s name.

Owen nodded. Yes, he remembered it vividly.

She took a deep breath before continuing.

‘Well, it’s his.’

It tugged at Owen’s heart to hear her admission.  She had lost a fiance and a baby in a short period of time, it must have been so heartbreaking for her.

‘I’m so sorry.’ he whispered, for lack of better words.

‘When I first found out I was pregnant with his baby, I was in denial at first, but eventually, once I accepted the fact, I was rather excited.’ she admitted.  ‘ I was excited about being able to carry a piece of him in me. So when Addison revealed that the baby had no brain…..my heart just shattered. It was the most devastating news I had ever received.’

She shook her head at the memory, as a stray tear rolled down her cheek.

‘You had an anencephalic baby?’ Owen asked softly, feeling so sorry for her, but not knowing the best way to react. He wanted to hug and comfort her, but there were so many unresolved issues between them and he wanted her to tell him the entire story first.

‘I did.’ she replied. ‘He was the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. I held him in my arms for 43 minutes before he developed respiratory distress and had to be taken away from me. When Addison and Jake took him away,  It was like a piece of me was being taken away, and it left a hole in my heart. I called him my unicorn baby, because he was miraculous. I was given the option to abort him earlier on,  but I decided to carry him to term so that he could donate his organs. In the end, after his birth, he donated his organs and saved lots of lives during his short time on earth.’

‘I’m so sorry to hear that, Amelia. That’s a very honorable thing to do.’ Owen whispered, as he took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze as a gesture of support. He had newfound respect for her. Not every woman would willingly carry their anencephalic baby to term just so that they could donate their baby’s organs. It was such a noble thing to do.

Amelia shook her head as tears rolled down her cheeks.

‘Don’t feel sorry for me.’ she answered. ‘I’m sure he’s happy up there wherever he is, and smiling down at us.’

‘I’m sure of that too.’ Owen replied softly, giving her a small smile.

This gave Amelia the courage she needed to open up about her true feelings and emotions to him.   ‘ When I first found out that I was pregnant, I had a major freak out. I hid myself in the bathroom for a whole hour, until Maggie had to knock on the door to ask if everything was alright. I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t breathe. The possibility that this baby might be born anencephalic as well suffocated me, Owen. I just couldn’t handle another brainless baby.’ She sniffled, shaking her head as more tears rolled down her cheeks. ‘I felt so alone then, and I didn’t know what to do. I finally confided in Maggie and Meredith and begged them to keep it a secret. They suggested me to go for antenatal booking with Arizona, so that’s what I did. She was amazing. I’ve been to 3 visits so far, and each time I would have anxiety and palpitations waiting for my turn . There was always this nagging question at the back of my mind about what would I do if this baby has an abnormality.  I wasn’t ready to face that possibility. So you can only imagine my relief when Arizona informed me that this baby is developing normally and has a brain during the latest scan last week.’ she added, exhaling deeply.

Now that she had told Owen all her underlying worries and issues about having a baby, she felt a huge burden being lifted off her chest. She really hoped that he would understand.

A tense silence filled the air as Owen tried to process Amelia’s words.

Now, he finally understood why she was so afraid of getting pregnant again. The loss of her first baby must have really taken an emotional toll on her. Still, part of him was hurt that she decided to run away and hide all her anxieties and past issues from him instead of opening to him about it and letting him help her. It showed that she didn’t trust him enough to tell him about her insecurities and let him support her through it all.

‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’ Owen asked softly, trying his best not to sound condescending. He was just curious to know why did she make that decision of running away and hiding the news from him when he had been nothing but supportive of her all this while.

‘Because I wanted to make sure that this baby is ok first.’ Amelia answered. ‘I wanted to wait until the detailed scan confirmed that everything is fine with the baby before I told you.  I was afraid that if I told you earlier and this baby turned out to be abnormal,  you would blame me and leave me. But after the scan last week, I didn’t know how to go about telling you given the current circumstances between us.‘ she added, gesturing between them.

‘Leave you? Why would I leave you, Amelia?! Did you honestly think that?’ Owen was seriously taken aback by Amelia’s confession, a hurt tone apparent in his voice. Did she not trust him?

Amelia studied Owen’s face, realizing from the tone of his voice and his facial expression that he meant every word he said.

‘It was the main reason I went away actually.’ she admitted.  ‘ I was afraid that you would leave me if our baby has any abnormality.’

Owen shook his head sadly.

‘I didn’t know you had so little faith in me,’ he said in a disappointed tone.

‘I have faith in you, O. I just got scared and ran like I always do. I didn’t want to face the possibility of having another anencephalic baby,  and losing another baby and you in the process.’ Amelia admitted.

‘You know that I love you so much and I would never leave you no matter how our baby turns out to be!’ Owen emphasized earnestly.

Amelia felt a sudden pang of guilt at Owen’s words. He had been nothing but supportive, kind and caring towards her, and yet she didn’t trust him with her insecurities and secrets.

‘I know you love me so much,’ she said softly. ‘I’m so sorry. I guess it’s an irrational move on my part, I acted out of my instinct. I should’ve talked things out with you instead of running.’

‘Melia, marriage is about being there for each other and supporting each other no matter what happens. When I said I’ll be by your side no matter what comes our way, I really mean it. So stop running. Open up to me. Relationship is about communication. I cannot understand how you’re feeling unless you tell me exactly what’s in your mind and what’s bothering you. Only then can I help you,’ said Owen, taking both her hands in his as their eyes met.

‘Ok, I will.’ Amelia nodded as she gave him a grateful smile. She wondered what had she done to deserve such a wonderful man in her life.

Owen let go of one of her hands to reach to her stomach. He softly grazed his hand over the cute little bump. “This is my child. Our child. And we’re going to have such a great life together - the three of us. And I can’t wait.” He leaned down and placed a kiss right on the top of his wife’s baby bump.

“Me either, Owen.” She smiled at him and looked into his eyes longingly, prompting him to lean in and draw her in for a long, soft kiss.

They both pulled back abruptly when a loud ring pierced the silence of the cozy living room.

Owen reached for the phone, which was perched on the kitchen bar counter. “Hello?” His eyebrows furrowed a little as Amelia watched him. “Oh, yeah hi… What? Really?” Owen ran a hand over his face and sighed. “Okay, we’ll be there soon. Thanks.”

Amelia looked at Owen with a questioning expression until he explained. “That was the hospital. Megan had some kind of… attack. PTSD, maybe? They don’t know, they sedated her, but they want me to come in and see what I can do to help.” Owen said before grabbing his keys off the counter and escorting his tired wife out the door.

________________________________________________________________

When they arrived at the hospital, Megan’s doctor met Owen and Amelia in the lobby and escorted them to her room while filling them in. ‘She has been sedated, but she’s starting to come around, so if you,’ the doctor said, stopping to turn towards Owen, ‘could just go in and see if you can talk to her.. I think that would do some good.’

‘She’s probably not going to want to talk to me,’ Owen said firmly.

‘ Maybe not, but when she wakes up she’s either going to be very confused and emotional, or she’s going to launch right back into attack mode. If that happens, you’re probably the first one to be able to calm her down.’ the doctor explained as Owen nodded in agreeance.

‘Alright, I’ll go in.’ he conceded.

He grabbed Amelia’s hand and gave it a single squeeze before opening the door and walking into Megan’s room.

Inside, Megan groggily rolled over in the bed, now turned to face towards Owen and the door where Amelia and the doctor were prepared to watch whatever exchange occurred.

‘She was yelling and screaming just now and just wouldn’t stop. I don’t know what exactly triggered the episode.’ the nurse in charge of Megan told Amelia softly as they watched Owen slowly walk towards Megan’s bed.

‘ Megan.’ Owen whispered, his voice full of emotion as he slowly walked towards her bed.

Megan just stared at him with stony cold eyes. Her years in captivity had dulled their sparkle. Her entire face was red and it looked like she had been screaming and crying.

‘ Megan’ he whispered again as  he took his place by her bedside.  ‘ How are you feeling?’

She just stared right through him, with a blank expression, which scared him and made his heart sink. It was obvious that she was hurting, and he wished he could do something to help her.

‘ Megan.’ he repeated.  ‘ It’s ok. You’re safe now in America. You’re no longer in the battlefield.’

Amelia stood at a respectful distance from Megan’s bed, watching the interaction between the Hunt siblings with interest. Megan’s doctor and nurse meanwhile had excused themselves out of the room.

There was still no response from Megan.

‘ I know that whatever is going through your mind now is torturing. I know you can’t block off all the things that have happened over there. I know, because I’ve experienced it before too. But just know that I’m here for you.’ he added as Megan remained stoic.

‘ Please look at me.’ Owen now pleaded. ‘I love you so much, please just say something. Yell, scream, punch me, whatever, just do something instead of ignoring me.’

Megan remained stoic and still, as a tense environment filled the room.

Owen cautiously placed a hand on her shoulder. She flinched in reflex at the contact and violently shrugged his hand away.

‘Get away from me.’ she growled in a low voice.

Owen backed away slowly from her bedside, heartbroken but understanding that she needed space at the moment. He was suffering from PTSD too and he knew how it felt like.

‘Ok, I’ll give you some space. But just know that I’m here for you.’  he said softly.

‘ You’re lying!! You’re lying to me!!  Don’t you dare pretend that you care for me!’ she screamed at the top of her voice, her face red with anger. ‘ Because I know you don’t!!’

Owen felt his heart sink to the bottom of his chest at his sister’s accusation.

‘ You don’t care!! You all don’t!!’ she screamed again as she waved her hands violently in the air. ‘ I hate you all!!! Get the hell away from me!!!’

Amelia gestured to Owen to leave Megan’s bedside as she pressed the nurse’s call button.

‘ I think we better leave.’ she suggested softly as she gently guided a crestfallen looking Owen out of the room.

A few nurses and army officers entered the room to calm a still screaming Megan down.

________________________________________________________________

Owen and Amelia sat in silence in the hospital waiting room, both busy entertaining their own thoughts.

‘She hates me’ Owen whispered, shaking his head, a defeated look on his face.  ‘ She hates me.’he repeated again.

‘ She doesn’t hate you, O.’ Amelia reassured, stroking his arm comfortingly. ‘ She was just rescued after 10 years of captivity, she must have gone through a lot of emotional and physical trauma. She needs time to readjust back to normal life. Maybe everything is a shock to her.’

‘I know that. But it still does feel like she really hates me.’ Owen admitted sadly. ‘ You saw what happened just now. She looked at me with full of spite in her eyes. And I feel like I deserve her hate. I was the one who let her get on the helicopter. Had she not gotten on the helicopter, this would not have happened. I’ve failed my own sister, Amelia..’

‘ Owen, stop saying that. Stop blaming yourself.’Amelia said gently but firmly, as she took his hand in hers and looked at him in the eye. ‘It’s not your fault, and you know it. Had you known what was going to happen, you would not have let her get on the helicopter.’

‘ I just feel so heartbroken to see my sister, my little sister in such a condition.’ said Owen in a melancholic tone. ‘I feel so helpless, my role as an elder brother is to protect her, and yet I failed to do so. And now there’s nothing much I can do to help her. I feel so hopeless.’

‘I know that you feel hopeless now. There’s nothing much you can do except to be there for her and support her.’ said Amelia. ‘She would need your support now more than ever. She might not say so, but she needs you, Owen. She has a long road to recovery ahead of her and you can be there for her every step of the way.’

‘I didn’t expect it to be this hard.’ Owen shook his head.

‘It is hard, I know.’ Amelia admitted. ‘ It is going to be a long and tough journey ahead for you both. But I’ll be there to give you both support and encouragement. I have booked the best psychiatrist in the country to fly over here to see you both.’

Owen looked at Amelia, feeling really grateful for her support. Their eyes met and unspoken words were exchanged. His eyes showed angst and despair and hers showed sympathy and compassion.

Amelia slowly pulled Owen in for a warm hug and he surrendered to the hug, feeling the comfort of her heart beating against his chest. The warmth of Amelia’s touch made him believe that maybe, just maybe, like everything else, he could get through this with her and their baby by his side.

Hey guys- here it is, the end of chapter 2.  Do let us know what you think, we would really love to hear from you!! Comments, reviews, reblogs, messages are very much appreciated!!

p.s The next chapter might not be up that soon as @ferryboatsscrubcaps is on a one week vacation.

[paralisisxanalisis]

from Holden Caulfield to Jane

Dear Jane,

It’s been a long time. I guess we both had quite a bit of time to kill since we last saw each other. You are probably asking yourself why the hell am I writing you. I don’t even know it myself.

Many things have happened. Surprisingly, I am writing you from a Tuberculosis Cure Hospital. I’m not dying or anything though. Don’t get too worried. I’m fine. I got TB as result for sleeping little, drinking and smoking much, and being in a state of “emotional stress”. The truth is I got kicked out of school again. I hate school, I hate it so much. I wish I liked it though, even love it. I wish I could be capable of applying myself and find it interesting in some way so that I could stop disappointing Phoebe and my parents, especially Phoebe.  

The story begins short after I was informed about the marvellous news. To be precise, the night you went on a date with Steadlater, my roommate. The same night I got into a fight with him. I must admit his one good looking and strong as hell guy, but a secret slob anyway. To be honest I hope you never got to meet him again. He is just such a gullible, sexist and phony kid. Nothing like you. You deserve much better. Actually, I must apologise for not coming to say hi, I got really excited when I heard you were at Penceys, but I got busy writing a goddam composition for your beloved. Anyway, I decided I was leaving that same night. I had nothing left in that scornful place so why not? The following three days I spent them in New York, fooling around. More than once I thought about giving you a buzz, but I never did. I don’t know why. Maybe I didn’t wanna tell you about school or how for no reason your date with Stradlater annoyed me. Maybe I just felt like I would annoy you. Maybe I was afraid that you wouldn’t answer. Or maybe I didn’t know what to say when I finally heard your soft voice again. The thing is, I never did.

Throughout my residence in the big apple I kept thinking of all our memories. The first time we met, our mornings playing tennis, evenings playing golf and your fixed kings on the back role during the many nights playing Checkers. It’s funny. That’s one thing never changes. I mean memories, they never move, never change. Always stay the same. You might have changed completely that the pretty memory I have of you will always be the same, and the one you have of me. It kills me. A body of frozen images remaining unchanged in your brain. Even the negative and bad memories are beautiful in a way. Even if you want to forget them, you can’t, they are a part of you. And they’ll always be. It kills me, it really does.

For example, I can’t get off my mind the first time I saw you. I knew you were my neighbour and everything; it was probably the first week you moved. I recognize watching you reading alone in you porch, and for no apparent reason I wanted to come over and say hi. You had on that green shirt with tinny white flowers, looking so innocent and sweet. But boy you have me the dirtiest look ever anyone had given to me before. That killed me. You probably though I was spying on you or something, I wasn’t. I think. It was the exact same gawk you have me went we first talked. I remember trying so hard to convince you that I didn’t give a damn about your dog; just wanted to like you. Your beauty knocked me out though. That same evening we went to play golf, tremendous golfer you were. As far as I can remember you lost eight balls, eight! You looked so concentrated while playing, like nothing else was going on on your mind. You were only focused on the game, not even noticing me there, with your mouth slightly open and showing the exhibiting the edge of your tongue intermittently.

That same day I realized how special you were. I don’t know if you thought the same about me. You probably didn’t. I think it’s your interest towards reading, towards my brother, your obsession with keeping the kings on the back role, your holding-hands talent or your brilliant mind that distinguishes you from the rest. You play in another game. The same game I’m playing. You just haven’t realized it yet.

As I said, luckily or sadly we also remember the worst stories. You know better than anyone that I had some awful days in my life. The truth is, when we last saw each other is one of them. We both were expecting a proper goodbye. A melancholic but cheerful goodbye. One of those moments that you feel sad, but because your sadness sad you feel loved. It’s a nice adverse feeling. I even had an image of a goodbye kiss on my mind. But nothing close happened. I remember it was on a peach black Sunday, the last day of summer, around ten pm. We were lying on my patio watching the stars when, from out of the blue, you told me to make you a promise. To promise you that after school I would leave with you, escape with you somewhere far, maybe Texas maybe Alaska. You didn’t care... You’ve got no idea of how many times I have regretted/retreated rejecting your promise. I was afraid. I was shocked. I felt weird. I felt loved. Boy, I wish we had escaped that same night. Living everyday like if it was summer, like you said. We would play checkers every night, never having to worry again, about growing up, about school or about our families. I wish we had escaped that same night.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this letter. I don’t even know if we’ll never see each other again. What I do know is that you made me feel happy, rescued and loved. All of which I had forgotten for a long time. And that’s the frozen image of you I’ll always save in my mind.

[generic-placeholdername]

So... It’s time to talk about my girlfriend

This blog is planned to be purely anonymous so let’s call her Heather (First name out of a random name generator). Heather is a perfect girlfriend. I’ve loved her and she’s loved me for almost 5 years now. I like her more than I like me. She’s so much better than anyone I’d ever thought I’d get close to, let alone be loved back by. Heather has been there for me through every single struggle that has come up for me; money issues; struggling with grades in university and repeating years; coaching me through meeting people socially; encouraging me to be a better person whenever I have the opportunity. In short she’s everything I never thought I’d get in a girlfriend. She’s the love of my life and everyone who meets her agrees that she is brilliant for me. I am excited to spend the rest of my life with her. She’s absolutely “The One”.

Now, a few months ago we watched The Danish Girl. ( SPOILER: Eddy Redmayne plays a Danish artist who starts cross dressing as a reference for his wife’s paintings, and ends up realising he is the woman he pretended to be for her, changing his name to Lilie, living as a woman and eventually dying after receiving gender reassignment surgery back when it wasn’t really a medically recognised procedure. If you haven’t seen it, its a good film.) We talked about whether we would like to be our opposite genders. Heather is happy being a girl as she was born. I said I would happily go back to being a foetus and trade for being a girl for my whole life. I’ve always been a male because that was how I was born but I’ve never really identified with being male. I never imagined myself specifically as a man. I was just me. Not to say I always wanted to be a girl but who I am was never tied to my gender. When I played video games, if I got the opportunity to play as a girl, I would. I always made sure I had an explanation ready though (Pokemon Gen 4: I don’t like the hat the guy wears; Mass Effect: If I’m going to have sex with my whole crew, isn’t being a lesbian better than being gay?    I didn’t say these explanations were good but they stood up to teenage inquisitions and that was all that mattered to me at the time). I love football and don’t remotely care about tennis but I always admired Serena Williams a damn sight more than Messi or Ronaldo.

Anyway, after telling Heather I’d be very happy to have been born a woman, conversation turned to if I’d actually want to be one. I decided that if a genie turned up and said “Woman? Yes or no?” I’d have said yes, although I played this down to Heather, saying I’d like to experience the difference first. She joked about wanting to do my makeup and make me a beautiful girl, then responded positively when I said that was actually something I’d be very interested in. In that night, slightly drunk, and lying together in my tiny camp bed, I think was the last time we were on the same page about how I feel about this. I spent the next week so excited and happy to try it, just waiting for her to have a free house, to see what the new, feminine me could look like. Adamant no one else could ever know and it was just our secret

The day came and she decided to do half of my face. The left would be made up, the right would be left alone. Her foundation didn’t match my skin as she is paler than me but even so, it was transcendental. I looked at that half a face and saw someone else. Someone I loved being without knowing I had been all this time. It was so wonderful. Her dad came home while I was enjoying looking in the mirror so I had to quickly wash it off and pretend we’d been doing something else. Crisis averted. No one could ever ever know.

I guess I got too into it and made too much of a fuss about it over the following days. Every time I was in her house I asked if I could do it again. We watched Ru Paul’s Drag Race and instead of my usual indifference I was focused fully on the make up, the dresses and how they can possibly find shoes that fit them. I spammed her phone with heels I wanted to try, wigs I’d love to pull off and makeup tips I thought would work for me. I got super drunk and told my best (other than her) friend that I thought I could be a drag queen. When I told her I said it, she got upset. She thought I was getting too into it. She couldn’t deal with me telling anyone else about it (in hindsight, I shouldn’t have said anything but I’m pretty sure he was so drunk he doesn’t remember me saying anything and he’s a good enough friend he would support me anyway. Still, stupid move on my part.). She got afraid I was going down a road she couldn’t follow and asked me to stop talking to her about these feminine feelings I was having. I understood. I knew I’d scare her with the idea of her masculine boyfriend being not who she thought he was. I have never thought of myself as particularly masculine but she really seems to. I don’t ever want to let her down. 

After The Danish Girl she did say that if I ever was trans, she’d support it and be a friend throughout but she knows she isn’t a lesbian so romantically, she knows that is a line for her. I’d like to think that would change if anything did happen but the most important thing to me in this whole line of thinking is making sure, whatever I end up deciding is the right call. I’d hate to hurt her with coming out and saying I want to be a woman but then to change my mind down the road, or realise I was wrong. But I also know that is what I want, at least right now. Maybe not even want, just feeling how I am. The last time we had sex, I was jealous of her. Not for having sex with me, I know I’m actively not good at sex, but because she could have vaginal intercourse. Anyway. We had sex and the whole time I normally would have been looking at her body in a lustful way, I looked in an envious way. I wanted to be her. I wanted to have breasts. I imagined it was her penis going into my vagina instead of there other way round. I wanted to wear feminine underwear that looks good. I wanted to feel like her. And to be her. I felt so bad about being jealous, I wanted to cry. But that’s where I am now.

We went shoe shopping today and instead of seeing which heels I thought she looked sexy in, I fantasised about her saying “these are a size 10, do you want to try?”. I’m still attracted to her but now when she reminds me of her femininity, she reminds me of my lacking. 

I don’t know how to feel about any of this, but thanks for listening