#i have work tomorrow and ive set a goal for myself to go to * for * birthday the day after so

[hehosts-moved]

if u guys are on tiktok, follow for my soap content there which is what ive been busy on - i give additional discounts and bundles and sales to my rp mutuals since we’re all buds n’suds

[meazalykov]

redirection IV

esmee brugts x barca!reader

last chapter: redirection III

next chapter: redirection V

"you never denied having a crush on her"

The cool hardwood flooring in my apartment sends a cool sensation in my body through my sore feet. My feet reminds me of the intensity the game I had hours before. After placing my birkenstocks by the locked apartment door, I toss my bag aside and head straight for the shower. 

Quickly taking off the blue jogger set along with my undergarments, I turn the shower knob all the way and the steam is (lightly) rising due to the warm temperature I wanted the water at.

Stepping under the warm water, I’ve the tension of the game melt away. The memory of my debut flashes in my mind, the cheers of the crowd blending with the pounding of my heart in my chest. Two goals, a brace, in my first match with Barcelona. It's a dream come true, a moment I've worked tirelessly for throughout the last few weeks, and now it's finally real.

After finishing the last step in my shower routine, I couldn't help but feel a flutter of excitement bubbling up inside me. Tomorrow morning I had recovery training, which is the best kind of training since it requires just stretching and cardio, but the plans afterwards excited me. Esmee and I had planned to hang out, just the two of us. I couldn't wait.

Pulling myself into my comfortable pink covered bed, I thought about Esmee again. Throughout the last two weeks, I was able to bond with her while we were with our other teammates and friends. She was shy but funny– she was incredible on the pitch - strong, was humble, and had a smile that was pasted on my mind.

Clearly, I've been feeling something more than just admiration for her. I tried to push it away, to tell myself that it was just a friendly bond between teammates. Back in Washington, I never felt this way towards another teammate of mine. Being in a different country changed me more than I realized. 

But deep down, I knew my feelings for the Dutch were increasing, but that's something I wasn't quite ready to admit.

The next morning at training, I found myself stealing glances at Esmee as we gathered for training. She looked radiant with her braids, as always, and my heart skipped a beat as our eyes met. I quickly looked away and noticed Bruna. The second closest person to me on the team– Bruna, my ever-observant friend, nudged me with a mischievous grin.

"What's got you so distracted, Y/N?" she teased, her eyes twinkling with amusement. "Could it be someone on the team?"

I flushed, shaking my head more than I should’ve. "No! I am not looking at anyone in particular, I'm just... focusing on the training ahead."

“Yeah right!” Jana came up and wrapped her arms around Bruna and I’s shoulders. I couldn’t help but giggle as I forced myself to not look in Esmee’s direction. I didn’t want to give the Spanish couple another opportunity to tease me. 

Jana or Bruna weren't convinced of my lie, and neither were the rest of our teammates. They exchanged knowing glances and playful nudges, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of embarrassment. Hopefully Esmee didn’t know about it. 

An hour of training passed by, and before I knew it, Esmee and I were paired together for agility ladder practice. Some of the girls (Salma and Vicky for example) giggled to themselves when they heard Jona pair Esmee and I together. 

As we worked through the drills, I realized that we are hanging out after this. I wasn’t sure where we were gonna go. 

“Hey Es, what do you want to do after this?” I asked. Esmee taps her feet through the spaces on the ladder before responding, “That's what I was trying to figure out.” she smiled at herself. 

“By the time we get out, it’ll be eleven am still. Maybe we can go over to Playa Grande tropical. It’s a beach club not too far from here.” I recommended. Esmee nodded her head as she followed me through with crossovers on the ladder. 

“That sounds fun!” Esmee says. 

“I know right! We can have lunch before going to the beach. It’ll be a good opportunity to relax after the last few days.” I commented, reminding each other about the game last night and training the day before. 

“That's good. I didn’t bring anything with me here so i’ll have to go back to my apartment before we go there.” Esmee’s face lit up, realizing that we were going to spend the day together. 

“Same, I’ll change then bring sunscreen, towels and anything else we need.” I say. 

“Do you want me to meet you at the beach club or should we go there together?” Esmee asks. My heart skips at this innocent question. I didn’t want to sound desperate so after a few seconds I responded with, 

“We can go there together! We can go to my apartment first, grab my stuff, then I can ride with you to your apartment and get yours—unless you want to take my car instead?” 

“Your plan sounds good! My trunk has a lot of space to put our stuff in.” Esmee commented. 

For a moment after our conversation, our eyes locked, and I felt a rush of warmth spread through me. The Dutch smirked as our eyes didn’t break hold from each other.

But just as quickly as it had come, I pushed the feeling aside when I heard all of our teammates gather up by one of the goal posts. Hopefully none of the girls notice my cheeky smile as I jog over to them, focusing on the task at hand.

Unfortunately, it seemed that our moment hadn't gone unnoticed by our teammates. All of the girls, besides Esmee and I, gave each other knowing looks, and I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment once again. But this time, I couldn't deny the thrill that coursed through me. Maybe, just maybe, there was something more between Esmee and me after all. I can’t confront this feeling yet though, it’s too early.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand after training concluded. The pleasant ache in my muscles from last night's game seemed to settle away after stretching. Taking a sip from my water bottle, I savored the cool liquid. The sun was still climbing in the sky as it was ten minutes until 11:00 am.

As I screwed the cap back on my water bottle, I saw Salma approaching, her familiar bright smile lighting up her face. 

"Hey, Y/N! Do you have any plans today?" she asked, her eyes twinkling with curiosity. 

I hesitated, my mind racing. Salma, Vicky, and I had been trying to find a time to hang out for weeks, but our schedules never seemed to align. Today, however, I had plans with Esmee, and I knew exactly how Salma would react if I told her. Esmee was– special, and Salma never missed an opportunity to tease me about her.

"Um, yeah, actually," I replied, trying to keep my tone casual and not give too much away.

Salma raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. Did she hear Esmee and I talk earlier? 

"Oh? What are you up to?"

I took a deep breath, deciding it was best to just come out with it. "I'm about to hang out with Esmee."

As expected, Salma’s grin widened mischievously. "Esmee, huh? Are you sure it's just hanging out?" she teased, nudging me with her elbow which caused me to giggle. 

"You know, you never denied having a crush on her.” 

I felt my cheeks heat up but I stood my ground, rolling my eyes playfully. "Come on, Salma. We're just friends."

Salma laughed, not buying it for a second. "Sure, sure. “Friends”— Can’t wait for you to tell me all of the juicy details later"

I chuckled, shaking my head. "Shut up– Not the juicy details?"

Salma's teasing was relentless, but I knew it came from a good place. "Sureeee–– So, what are you two going to do? Anything exciting?" she asked, clearly enjoying my discomfort.

"We’re just going to grab lunch and head to the beach," I said, trying to sound nonchalant. "It’s nothing major."

"The beach!!?? Sounds like a perfect date to me," Salma said, winking. 

“Many friends go to the beach together?” I protest. 

“Yeah–but I can’t imagine friends giving each other heart eyes at the beach. If it's anything like training, I can imagine Esmee and you staring at each other with desperation the entire time” Salma said, my jaw dropped as I tried not to hold my laugh. Salma was considered one of the funniest and boldest people (by Ona) when I joined the team two weeks ago– I can see why after being her friend. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” I smile as we both head into the dressing room. Hopefully she calms down on the teasing before we are in the room with Esmee present. 

"I’m just saying, if I were Esmee, I'd definitely be into you too. Which she is into you but-"

"Wait what?" I ask. What did she mean?

"Oh--nothing!" Salma's eyes widened before she smirked.

I couldn’t help but laugh at that, pretending as if I didn't want to know what Salma was referring to. Even though my curiosity is itching for me to find out. "Salma, you really have no chill– but thank you"

"Anytime," she replied, giving me a pat on the back. "Go have fun with your 'friend' Esmee. We’ll find time to hang out soon, I promise."

“How about Tuesday? The men’s team plays Antwerp at Montjuic!” I suggested. Salma’s brown eyes light up before she smiles, “That's a brilliant idea, I'm sure Vicky will want to go too.” 

“That's great, I'll let her know too.” I responded.

As we walked into the dressing room and Salma walked away, I couldn't help but smile. Despite the teasing, I appreciated having a friend and teammate like her who always kept things— interesting. I took another sip of water before sitting down by my spot, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. It was just lunch and chilling at the beach, but it's with Esmee.

I finished getting ready but waited for Esmee to finish grabbing her things. Maybe Salma had a point, but for now, I was just looking forward to spending time with someone who made me happy these last few weeks. 

Twenty minutes later, I gripped the steering wheel tightly, glancing nervously in my rearview mirror at the navy blue sedan following me. Esmee had insisted on following me back to my apartment so we could head to her apartment before the beach together, and though I had agreed, I found myself overthinking in the car.

"Did I clean my apartment recently?" I muttered under my breath, anxiety bubbling up inside of my stomach. I knew Esmee wasn’t judgmental, but the thought of my— friend—seeing my space made my stomach twist.

My apartment was five minutes away from the training grounds but the car ride felt as if it lasted two seconds. I parked my car outside my apartment and I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. Esmee parked beside me and flashed a warm smile that made my heart skip a beat. Leading the way through my apartment complex, I unlocked the door and gestured for her to enter first.

The moment we stepped inside, Esmee inhaled deeply which made me giggle. "Your apartment smells good. Is that vanilla?"

I blushed, "Ha yeah– I own a few vanilla candles."

Before I could say more, two small bundles of fur came trotting up to us. Last week, I got two kittens to keep me company when I am at home, and to keep each other company while I am gone. The first gray fluff ran over first as its sibling walked behind patiently, nervous about the new guest.

"Macadamia! Berry!," I cooed, scooping up the extroverted kitten, Macadamia, and handing her to Esmee a minute later.

Esmee's eyes lit up as she took the kitten in her arms. "Oh my gosh, she’s so adorable! Wait--Did you really name one of your cats Berry?” she asked with a playful grin.

“Yeah I did.” I giggled. 

I chuckled, my heart swelling at the sight of Esmee holding one of my kittens. "Maca- Macadamia–." Esmee said before laughing to herself. With her dutch accent, it still sounded great, but I think the girl doubted herself. 

Esmee tried again, stumbling over the name slightly. "Macadamia... Maca... Maca-day-mee-ah."

I laughed, feeling myself fall for h– the moment! just a little more. "That’s perfect!"

“Is Berry the shy one?” Esmee asked as she pointed at the other kitten kidding under the coffee table in my living room. 

“Yep, she is— but here!” I scooped Berry’s small body with my left hand, the kitten meowed once before Esmee held her beside her sister. 

“They’re so cute.” Esmee repeated as she admired the kittens in her arms. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I swiped over to the camera option and took multiple pictures of Esmee holding the kittens. She didn’t notice at first until she looked back up at me– “Hey!” Esmee jokingly said before we bursted out in laughter, not taking her fake offense seriously.

 

We shared a warm smile, looking into eachothers eyes, before I remembered the reason for our stop. "Wait sorry– I just remembered why we are here– I just need to grab a few things for the beach," I said, heading toward my bedroom.

As I came back from my bedroom-- changed into my beachwear-- with my tote bag, sunscreen, towels, and other necessary products needed. I placed the tote bag on my kitchen island and started organizing everything inside. Eventually, I felt Esmee’s presence close behind me. When I turned around, our faces were inches apart, and my breath caught in my throat. The world seemed to pause, the air thick with tension.

There were no distractions. For example, there are no teammates or coaches here to (jokingly) tease us. My heart nearly pumped out of my chest after realizing what was happening. 

Esmee’s eyes flickered to my lips, and my eyes flickered at her plump ones back. For a moment, I thought she might lean in. I stepped closer but my heart pounded in my chest, a mix of fear and anxiety. If I lean in first, I’m scared that I will be rejected. 

I stepped back, quickly grabbing the sunscreen and placing it into the tote bag. "There! everything is all set–" I said, my voice a bit too cheerful. Pretending like the moment seconds before didn’t occur. "We’ll definitely need this."

Esmee’s smile was soft and understanding, but nervousness settled into her eyes too. "That’s great!"

As we headed back to the door, not before saying goodbye to the kittens, I couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened if I hadn’t pulled away.

My first thoughts consisted of me fighting with myself, "I am such a puss, why couldn't I just do it!?" There were no distractions or factors that could've stopped either of us from leaning in. It was a good moment.

Learning to be nice to myself, I gave myself grace. I followed behind Es in my apartment complex as we headed to her car. With the dutch girl beside me, ready for a fun day at the beach, I couldn’t help but feel that maybe, just maybe, that there will be more chances to make a move.

<3

next chapter: redirection V

[xi218]

୨୧ goals ୨୧

Physical: working on being sober, ab workout routine, getting into bed earlier, not snacking so much, wearing the clothes you're saving for a "special occasion", trying out new looks and clothes, venturing out new styles, upgrading your basic hygiene routine, drink more water

Mental: journaling daily (or near daily..), decorating pages, keeping track of emotions both negative and positive and what triggers them. Get rid of the negative triggers and bring in more of the positive triggers.

Emotional: getting in touch with a therapist, dedicating a journal to release you emotions instead of bottling them in, interpret dreams, talking to friends when things upset me

Professional: working 1 hour more than usual, dont wake up and finish work before class

Personal: find your old hobbies (crochet), discover new ones (shirt making 👀), trying new food even if im nervous, complimenting people out loud, making an effort to hang out with friends when opportunities present themselves, limit youtube time

Finance: learn how to budget, no impulse spending, watch videos about making money with art and follow through

Important habits to have: waking up and going to bed early, using planner, having a morning and night routine but the freedom to change it/ leniency with myself if i dont stick to it

Important skills to build: how to communicate my own needs, learn what the line is between sharing and dumping (rather than choosing to bottle everything ive ever felt lol)

schedule ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭ ੈ♡‧₊˚

So you've picked your goals. Great. Now take a look at your schedule and figure out what things are taking up most of your time. Is it a long commute? Spending too much time scrolling on your phone? Waking up late? Going to bed late?

୨୧ time blocking / schedule:

☆ Mornings:

5-6am: exercise

6-7am: shower, get ready for class / library

7:30-8am: library for breakfast, get ready for the day

~class~

☆ Evenings:

get back from class, shower immediately, change into pajamas

eat dinner

finish homework

plan the next day, journal, go to bed

Assess how you spend your time and utilize it. Instead of scrolling on your phone during your free time, spend time with your loved ones (pets, kids, partner), instead of staying in one place while you're on a call, walk around to get steps in, there is always a way to implement your goals into your daily life.

Notice how I say fit your goals around your life. You don't want to be taking away important things like errands, jobs, school, being a parent just meet your goals- no. Use your time wisely. That's all. You can fit them.

On the larger goals like taking up a class/large skill, like dancing and painting. On fridays, you'll have dance class and on other days that you have free, you'll be painting a piece or reading your anticipated book, learning a language, trying out a new recipe, planning the next day, taking a spontaneous art class, etc!

Weekends.

Because I work a lot, I like to use weekends to really do deep work. Intensive study sessions. And because I deep work (work with no distractions) I don't need to study all day. I'm getting so much done in little time that I'll be done by the afternoon and I can go out and do errands, get all dressed up and have a nice day out in the city, or just have a relaxing day by doing chores, watching a nice movie and more!

3. Setting up a system so you can actually stick to those goals.

Keep a journal to keep track of what you did today. If you didn't reach a goal that day (and that's okay), ask yourself why? and how does it make you feel? Then take action on what you can do to reach it tomorrow.

i think post its in planner should be effective

Switching. We all know it’s best to not push yourself so hard. For example, don’t do intense exercise everyday. Walking and dancing throughout the day counts as exercise too, so by switching (depending on YOUR goals), you’ll have time for your other goals as well. Here is an example: on a rest day of no exercising, maybe that day is the night I have a ballet class. That is exercise as well. So instead of exercising in the very early hours of my day, I can use that time instead to do more studying OR have more time doing something else.

which means I can do one do the following: spend more time with my pet, read a few pages of my book, make a new recipe, etc.

Ex. 4am-5am - on a no-exercise day, i can study during that time instead. 6am-7am - more time to tackle my other goals.

Create a foundation. If you have an amazing day, felt very productive and accomplished, what's a habit that really helped? if you had an off day, figure out why and maybe your foundation can help.

★ That’s all!

[drakinq]

022023

1:13 - 

So todays morning pages are weird because I have so much on my brain I need to release and my hand will get tired real quick. It’s clearly afternoon so as we can see I’m still sleeping in late. So much has happened over the course of the past couple weeks and there’s no one to blame but myself. Nothing is bad I just can’t put the outcomes on anyone other than the choices Ive been making lately, which aren’t terrible but aren’t always beneficial either. 

I’m just hella behind, my sleep schedule be a wreck and then it’s hard to get back on top of things. I’m glad I have today off because I’ve been able to catch up on a lot things including my week three of artist way so that I can finish week 4 this week as well. 

Sleeping with Rah was a big regret and I also saw Angel which didn’t feel close to how bad I wanted him this summer. Im just happy I can finally close that door. I’m gonna give celibacy another shot but i’m not gonna initially aim for the summer, I’m gonna give myself a smaller time frame. I’m also planning to start lifting weights again to change up my workout. I also plan on going to church in Chicago again so that I can get dressed up to serve God. I see the things I can implement in my life and I see how well it will serve me if I’m consistent in them. So this is just another week of getting back on the horse and learning from my mistakes. I actually feel like this week there is a good chance of me doing the things I say I’m gonna do. Today I get to catch up on morning pages and go for a run as well as a 30 min stretch. I also just booked studio time to go over the jlo dance from Friday night session with Niki and Tiffany. I’ve been wanting to record a class and retake that class on my own in a different setting. So I plan on doing this next Saturday with Traes Choreo as well. So tomorrow Niki is reteaching so I’ll have it perfected by the end of class today and hopefully the goal is let myself shine in class and finally get some content to share and let myself be great. This will be in prepration of the cypher sage is having at their release party where I absolutely have to join. I plan on taking Jason’s freestyle class tonight to cleanse my pallet when it comes to my own freestyle and choreography. Tomorrow of course, retaking Niki’s and Wednesday I’m gonna record Tre Daniel’s house session so I can practice that in the mornings before my workout. Thursday I work at the bar where I plan on being presenting myself as the most professional I’ve ever been. Friday trae is back teaching so I’ll be taking him again and re learning that Saturday morning. I’ll need to find time to do an artist date in between . Then of course do my laundry and reset Saturday as well. Hopefully I get work Sunday I plan on actually going to church and then dancing the rest of the evening. 

That’s a jam packed week and I’m already running behind now. I’m about to do my stretch as well as reset another 75 hard. There’s not much else to say but actually do. Reminder that I need to make time to get the gym membership. 

[bagalois]

I saw your post earlier and feel v sad and sorry to hear that from you :(

I was exactly where you are (or something heavily similar?) a couple days ago. and I guess I still kind of am, maybe a few paces away. I still do have recurring thoughts like "if I'm even good enough for this" and whatnot, it's nearly constant at the back of my mind these days, sometimes loud, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming. It's horrible and i just, I get it, I get what you're going through and I hate that you're going through it too. I hope things get better for us, at least that tomorrow is better than today. I guess we should take it a day at a time, too - and that itself might not be easy. but we'll take it a day at a time and get through it. sending you lots of love and hugs, wishing you only the best xxx

thank you ♥️♥️♥️

if i'm being honest? that was more of a freeing realization to accept that, whatever happens will happen, but it is depressing/defeatist to say that i'm kind of helpless in whether or not i fail out of this program.

if i keep fighting against failing i feel like it'll only stress me out more. the main thing is that i don't have the self confidence to know that i can persist. so im quicker to accept failure than to convince myself that i will reach the goals ive set out.

anyways i really appreciate your words ^^ you are correct, the best thing for any of us in this situation really is just to take it day by day. i'm savoring every day that i am here.

even if either of us fail, it's not like the time we spent studying has all been a waste. i've never done so much mathematics or been surrounded by such extremely intelligent people in my life. i appreciate this every day. even if we're denied good grades/research opportunities/progress, the effort that we put in already and the amazing things we get to experience just by being admitted into our respective programs cannot be taken for granted.

i'm wishing the best for you as well! good luck on any tasks/projects/assignments you're currently working on, take care of yourself, get enough rest, and stay hydrated and nourished! we will survive ^^

[borderline-reorder]

I haven’t hurt myself yet today! A win to be sure. I guess. I don’t know how to feel about it all, to be honest. But it was a sucky day and I haven’t done it yet, so that’s probably a good thing.

Overall most of my day was spent feeling sad and anxious and struggling to do just about anything. I had several goals set this week that I needed to accomplish to prepare for school which starts tomorrow, and I did none of them. So, it’s looking like they will all probably get done tomorrow before my evening class (everything else is independent study) or on my day off.

I do want to hurt myself about this because not doing the studying ahead means I am starting at a handicap in my language classes. And I had all week to do it, it’s just my week was full of my cat being acutely ill, ptsd triggers sending me into episodes, and general depression from realizing that I don’t have friends and only have my mother to talk to (who is also mentally ill just refuses to acknowledge it). And then getting triggered and having panic attacks etc etc blah blah blah basically it was super high stress and awful.

And now I find myself depressed and unprepared for class. I hope I can get my shit together in time. I already decided that I am aiming for a B- in Japanese. Not sure what my French class goals will be just yet. I’d like to get an A in at least one of them, but I need to see what the courses look like first.

Also, do I even need to set an alarm tomorrow? Like, only one of my classes has a meeting time and it’s at 5:30pm. I could, in theory, stay up until midnight and be fine and attend on time. I won’t do that because I am old and get tired by like 8pm, but it’s nice to have the option. I don’t know. I haven’t been sleeping well ever since my cat got sick. So I don’t know. I guess I’ll set one and see how it goes tomorrow.

Ive never done an independent study before. I’m kind of anxious about them. I will have to create a daily schedule and set aside time weekly to work on the coursework. I’m thinking of setting aside a one and a half hour block twice a week as if it were a regular class. If anyone sees this and has any tips, I welcome them.

I started writing this post on this blog instead of my main due to the self harm reference at the beginning, but now it’s kind of veering off course. Sorry. I mean, maybe not sorry? It’s my mental illness blog and I can do diary entries here if I want I guess. No one can stop me. I just constantly feel like a burden all the time forever. Even here, online, shouting into the void.

I guess I’m going to end on that note because now I feel anxious and self conscious about making a diary entry at all.

[iszzyb]

I just need a place to rant

ahahhahahahhaha guess who need $691 to get her wisdom teeth removed 🙃

I finally worked up the courage to go to the dentist , and no insurance but found one that had discounts and a free consultation. I've been trying to save for a trip to see friends so i been working more ( i do uber eats n have applied to others but no ones hiring mee imma go through my resume tomorrow and redo it again) , but shit keeps popping up and i only have like $60 towards that. ( its in Oct so i still have some time but i was trying to at least get the flight tickets by next month )

I might just have to take a train or drive??? up there idk both would be like a 24-48 travel time.

back to the dentist i need wisdom teeth removed ( one has a hole both are impacted ) there's 2 cleanings which are some what affordable to me and than filling last . ovb not all at once but the wisdom teeth need to come out asp. The total price is like $4,491 ( with a 30% discount what ever it could be applied to ) I signed up for a credit plan that will help cover$3000 ( with me paying $149 a month to pay it off after the op ) but that covers most the extraction and leaves $691 for me to pay towards it ( the wisdom teeth extraction is $3691 in total)

I been on the phone and chatting with dental insurance all this morning and the main things I would need cover I wouldn't have acess to untill 6 months ; which is too far for what i need done asp . My mum has helps a bit by telling me and getting me a meeting with a possible free option ( they will be calling me Friday , so hopefully i qualify for that)

Mentally I been doing ok , not too deep of depression mostly lonelyness here n there cuz well everyone is busy or depressed them self right now .

I Still have the goal of moving out ( well getting a car 1st) but that would come after getting a more stable job( dentist stuff and trip). I appiled to about 7 diff jobs so far and got a " not selected by employer " on 4 of them ( come on sam's club or lib job!!!) (as for the bakery position I'm pretty sure i just don't have it cuz they have just left me hanging )

Good things :

Ive gotten better at setting boundaries & taking up space. I'm still working on it but i am not minimizing myself as much

( although they are not helping) I'm able to call insurance company sand job search with out getting to overwhelmed. I've been pacing myself pretty well lately and am able to get a lot more thing done on a day to day basis.

I haven't been streaming/gamming as much but i have been consistant with content creating ( mostly been uploading shorts on youtube & tiktok) , not to become n influencer but just to create / show others that its ok to have multi hobbied and be weird, ect . just having fun online . I feel like its helping me out with my anxiety.

& at home me and my mum have come up with a non verbal day , where we don't really speak to each other . If its an emergency or warning each other then yes we do speak but no causal convo. This helps me not feel so overwhelmed by her and this gives mum some time alone(kinda). Honestly it helps slowdown the weird co-dependency we have going on here; its just been super nice having a quiet day once a week ( still plan on moving out when i can)

[summer-2024]

i will be a senior in high school in the fall and im very excited!

my main goals for this summer are:

1. apply for scholarships

2. learn to wake up with alarms and not my parents

3. be kinder to everyone (including myself)

4. (and the most unrealistic) get into a relationship again!

elaborating further:

1. the college i would like to go to is quite expensive but i fell in love with the campus and its only about an hour from my town, so i need to make up the change using scholarships. merit based scholarship through the collage covers most, and my parents will help with room and board, but there is still a good chunk i need to make up through other specialty scholarships. im doing a camp there soon to make sure i really love it so im just researching a bit right now. im planning on looking on wensites like bold.org etc

2. i need to learn how to do this asap. the camp i mentioned previously is in eleven days and breakfast starts at 7:30 and i struggle with alarms a lot. i just set one for 7:30 tomorrow morning so fingers crossed. its 11:25 now so quite late, but lights out at the camp is at 11 i think. im worried i wont get enough sleep

3. im really not a very kind person, im mean and its not good at all. im rude to myself and others and its not okay and it negatively impacts me and others. i want to be more kind, and that includes to my body. the gym has a free summer program so im planning on starting to work out as well so hopefully that will help improve my kindness as well. i need to find an exercise plan however. if i put in effort for myself thats like humility right? i got a gratitude journal as well so we will see.

4. my ex girlfriend broke up with me a little over a year ago, and ive had crushes since then but i havent even flirted with anyone i dont think. the guy i had a crush on last summer is dating another girl but the other guy i have a crush on (ironically they have the same name) just began following me on instagram so maybe theres something there. time will tell! i dont think we will have many classes together next year because i only plan to take one ap class, and this year most of our shared classes were aps (i took four this year and it was decidedly wayy too many.). regardless, im really hoping he will do this one class where they do writing for a book that my class puts together (im in graphic design) because he does creative writing and ive been fantasizing us working together on the book because the writing class this past year was all older than me and i wasnt close to many. nothing will likely come of attempting to date but we will see!

here is to hoping this summer is good!

also the reason i have so much time to do all of this is because my job isnt scheduling me but 6 hours a week so i have time to kill. i might get a second job though.

[soufsidesiren]

blog entry 10

happy 404 day!

i'm baaack. it's been a minute since I felt inspired (i don't know if that exactly the word but its good enough for now) to really take the time to write out my life lately, but i hope if you have been watching you've enjoyed the visual journey to spring. i'm listening to my discover weekly intentionally for the first time in a minute. i really like the song that was just played [at the door by ILYICH and Takuya Nakamura]. i have been fighting for my life over the past few days. going toe to toe with something that was not quite covid and not quite the flu but it definitely sat in my body and forced me to care for it very deeply all the same. the first few days i spent on the threshold of sleep and waking which is much harder as the days grow longer. today is the first day that my mind has been awake enough to really even begin to tackle the mountain of tasks i had set out for my first week off in what feels like months.

it scares me sometime. how quickly i lose myself in the heat of all the work i can bury myself in. someone recently reassured me that in those moments i actually become so much more certain of who i am. that perspective shift has defintiely helped. march was truly a marathon. i hosted my first black clay meetup. vended my first market of the season. went to my first nceca and meet so many incredible potters. started a new job as a dance instructor. got a slot in my first art show and almost missed the art drop off because the acceptance email ended up in my trash somehow. my bestie flew in for a wild 56hr stint. we saw amaarae. she took one of my wheels classes. we frolicked around fayetteville and then she was gone. leaving behind a sore throat and aching body to remember her lol.

[update absolutely hating my discover weekly fuckkk lol]

honestly after reflecting on march. i know that i should been really proud of all that i've accomplished. i am finally getting my art up on walls. have started preliminary conversations with so many clay folks that I am excited to continue to expand, but i can't help but feel overwhelmed by the multitude of options and the simultaneous lack of current funds.

[discovery weekly currently on redemption arc.. what a rollercoaster. jk it was short lived. i think its pissing me off bc it feels like a bunch of white folks making black music so immediately its just wack to me lol}

anywho back to life lately. i ebb and flow between patience and impatience in my process. working on relying on community and not just building. allowing the folks around me to really show up and shine as well.

just binge read octavia bulters kindred today. like i deadass read almost all it today. i could not put it down. nobody really compells me to read quite like octavia. i never tire of the way she puts words together. i quite literally could not stop until i was done. i love the way that i can escape into a book but seldom dedicate the time to escape into the literary space because digital space just comes at such a greater convenience. i have been trying to make an honest effort to read way more. i am three books down for the year and i think its a reasonable goal to finish a book a month. so far i've literally only read octavia butler but its been a minute since ive been so obsessed with an author. i dabble into a bit of james baldwin. i love how full and wandering his sentences are. but honestly my next read will probably just be another octavia read because why stop a good thing.

i don't really have more to say so until tomorrow

[godlovesmemore]

bipolar diaries

2

1:00pm. good morning. i filled this up — & am going to drink a glass of water. i know what a concept — i took my bipolar med this morning. a little after that i took my adhd med. im also prescribed a weekly vitamin D tablet (vit d2) ive always made a point of taking vitamin d every sunday. but im trying to start some new patterns in my life & this can be a new tradition of honoring my vitamin routine; so the bipolar medication works great for me. no side effects at all. it keeps me from reaching mania but mostly keeps me from the major depressive symptoms (i am bipolar2) however its not a cure for depression, its a general mood stabilizer. so thats where the vit d comes into play — its like my ‘natural’ anti-depressant. but i need to work on reframing it that way in my mind; so if i encounter a rough week or some set backs, i choose monday to take my mental health back into my own power. its these little baby steps that I hope will grow into a love for taking care of myself

these monday mornings will become a sacred ritual — to re awaken from the week before. to re ground in love. ive been good since the last bipolar update & each morning really has been a choice. i have not been waiting past noon to take my bipolar med. i wake up and take it first thing. then every time — ill question myself should take my adhd med because its optional for me but right now the answer is choosing yes everyday. its that second step that turns my day around on a new path — im actually a totally different person to who i was before.

ill write about the effects more another time; but its truly my miracle drug. its the kind of type you take as needed depending on productivity goals (to simplify) & without this drug, im guenuinly the most unproductive human being; so much so that its become something internalized. i found a magic pill that makes me discover that all those things i believed i am — im not. how amazing is that. im so grateful to have wasted away so much life to be here now in the disbelief that im alive. a new person. im privileged to be here on earth. i am lucky & free to become whoever i dream. late last night at 4am, i thought to myself ‘i don’t want to go to bed yet — i wanna stay up — i really don’t want this day to end & then, hey im actually going to be happy to wake up tomorrow’

[sxdasfxck]

11-19-23

Today i decided to start writing about how my day goes. Hopefully i will continue this for long and help me go through things in my life. I heard and read that journaling helps with mental health.

I am trying to heal my self with different issues i had in my life. The disappointments, pressure the pain that i felt in the past. The mistakes i made and issues with the relationships around me. So here:

I woke up late today and decided to go to church its been weeks since ive been planning to visit a prestigious church but since its far from where i live i tend to postpone it til this day and im glad i already went. I prayed for the things that i cannot control and prayed for myself and my family. I asked that someday my goals in life do come true and ask that my journey in life will teach me things. I was anxious that i may do bad things in the future since weve been to a palm reader. But i believe that God is with me and he will be guiding me always.

Its also been years since ive visited that church thats why i got lost on my way there but thankfully I found it.

After that i went to the mall near the church and stroll around i also bought a perfume that ive been wanting to buy for so long. It was on sale so i took the chance to buy it. As i was strolling around i got hungry but it took me so long to find a place to eat since its sunday many groups of family are out bonding with each other.

I found a chinese cafe which offers a rice meal it was abit pricey but i decided that i deserve it and since im alone i cant find a place where i can sit comfortably. I tried a set with rice and chicken and also ordered a toast and iced tea. I enjoyed eating there in nanyang because of the setup of the cafe-resto the lighting is good and also i liked the food and drinks.

After eating i decided to go home. Upon returning home i found out that the karaoke i ordered in lazada is finally delivered so I tried it.

I still have work tomorrow morning so its time for me to sleep.

I hope that things will be just as usual tomorrow goodnight.

[tayloristragical]

3/9/2023

I am upset with myself for staying in bed too long this morning and eating too much. Work sucked. I applied to a new job today. I plan to apply to two more jobs tomorrow. 

3/10/2023 to do list:

✓ Morning coffee, energy drink, pills

✓ Pay 1/2 rent, pay minimum on credit cards 

✓ Respond to online coach email

- Message dr. about blood pressure meds 

^ (im gonna do this next wk because i took my bloodpressure today and it was high because ive been forgetting my medssss)

- Home sets:

1 ✓ = set of 10

-- 40 squats ✓

-- 40 sit-ups

-- 40 arm circles x 4

-- 100 steps x 4 on stepper machine

✓ Gym 

-- 12-3-30 routine

^ I did 12-3-20 because i did an interval run

-- 6-3-30 cool-down walk

^ walked between run

✓ possibly add in an interval run? 1 min jog, 1 min run, 20 mins

^ I did 1.5-2 min runs, 2 min walks, for 35 mins 

- Shower, wash and treat hair

- Chores

✓ laundry

✓ vacuum

✓ make bed

✓ litter boxes

✓ take out trash

✓- wipe down kitchen and bathroom counters

✓ dishes

- Work on ideas for interview on 3/15, make plan in Canva

Stuff I actually want to do tomorrow:

- Read 30 mins

✓ Journal in hobonichi

- Sketchbook

✓ Update planner

I think my routines and goals are not sustainable. I can do it for like a day or two and then i crash and burn. maybe for the average person all this is totally fine. but for me i struggle to do all this and manage my time properly. days off are easier. when i work i just spend my whole morning dreading going to work, or after i get home i just spend my time feeling worried and anxious and tired. i need to make a plan i can stay consistent with. i think having a more consistent work schedule would help with that. i need a new job. bad.

[terryboot]

+

[undercoverduggarblog]

what do you say to your boss when they’re trying to get you to stay for overtime

[kochlandhomestead]

10/01/22

Wow did September really just fly by like that? Feels like just 2 weeks ago I was doing this for August but heres my self accountability post for the end of the 9th month of 2022

Lets start with the ol resale business. Historical Days was a big success. I got rid of a lot of my old stock from the shed and made a nice profit on the weekend. Really wish I could get to more festivals and markets. That was a goal for this year that I am failing at. eBay had gone cold since the first week of September but I had 3 sales this week. With 4th quarter starting now hopefully it will be getting even better. I learned a lot last week at eBay open, lets see if I can transform that into sales. I also am looking into a booth at a local flea market that is open on Fridays. Possibly going to open there in November. Its a risk and a big step but it just may be time.

Classes started Monday in my Ag science and organic growing classes. Its been a challenge this week but I feel im back in the flow. I even got my first week assignment done early, y'all know thats a big one for me.

Things around the Homestead are winding down into what I refer to as hibernation time. The garden is ready to be put to bed, hopefully I get to that nexg week. Pears and apples need picked. Gotta dig potatoes yet and see how that harvest is. Lots of little things but its about over.

I didn't have a single Wrestling show this month. We did do our company picnic last Saturday but besides that nothing. The quiet is killing me. October has a couple but November is really bare. Gotta do something about this.

My TV back log has gotten worse. Im weeks behind on Wrestling. Its really ridiculous lol. I haven't watched any of She-Hulk or House Of Dragons. Seems everyday I add on another episode or 5 of the network shows that I try to catch as much of as possible like FBI or Law & Order. I haven't even seen the new Thor yet. I am caught up on Andor of course and am still working through my rewatch of Fear the walking dead. For someone that completely cut the cord this list is nuts!

Speaking of cutting the cord lets discuss my "off grid" life as it is. So many projects and ideas I had for the summer went unstarted. I really had hoped to have a little wood stove set up but not even close. I did get a bucket washing machine built for hand washing and of course my water collection system grew nicely. But still im way behind even though im far better than I was last year at this time.

My health has been good and ive really been doing well at eating. Im near my calorie goal almost everyday. Cooler weather really helps as does less time spent working outside. Now to finally start regular workouts again.

With just a month to go its time to start really planning and working on the upcoming holiday season here and at the Santa House. All while trying to enjoy spooky season too. Its a juggling act sometimes.

The personal life thing is pretty much as wacky as always. Mom and Dad have both been doing good. Dad has a bum shoulder but he says it is feeling a little better. Tyler has been coming around a little bit more now that he has Whiskey to take out. She sure is a cutie and becoming a good pal of mine. I been thinking again about a new cat or dog. Maybe near Christmas? My special person and myself have had a difficult time of getting together. Always seems to be something come up. Its hard with busy lives and a bit of a distance between us. We have plans for next Saturday so hopefully.... It was great to hang out with the Wrestling family last week, tomorrow I get more of that plus the Town Meeting crew. Having a small social life is sad at times but it makes me enjoy it more when it happens. A goal for 2023 is more interaction with friends and family and less alone time!

I think thats enough for tonights book. If you made it through thanks for reading. These things are always kinda hard for me to do but I really feel that they along with you who do read help me keep myself in check.

[thedevilliers]

Hey, I've been reading your story for a while, and I'm enjoying it very much. Following the De Villiers has been so fun, and you've inspired me to create my own royal Simblr!

Can you maybe share some tips about what to do with your royals? I'll be posting my family within the next few weeks, and I have already planned out several engagements + events, including visits to parks/schools/hospitals, parties, and news surrounding a royal pregnancy. I've also planned out the first arc. I don't know what else to do, and I've barely started! If you have any tips related to the beginning of your Simblr that you didn't cover in your other post, I would so appreciate them. I want to get all this nailed down *before* posting, so my blog is the best that it can be.

Also, if you have any advice on how to make things as efficient as possible (especially regarding posing sims, editing/writing posts, etc.), I would love that! I want to cut down on time wasted wherever I can.

Thank you!! :-)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 me?!!?!?! ME ??????? omg 🧍‍♀️ thank u for reading my story 🥺 and AAAAAAAAAAAA your own royal simblr !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ill answer everythin under the cut !!!!! spoilers: it got long sorry

first of all, remember we ALL started somewhere. you can look at my first like... fifteen and even MORE posts and they are BAD. oh my gawd idk why i thought they were good, but hey! i learned things from them. you will more than likely change your mind about certain things from the beginning of your blog to who knows, four months from now. don’t focus and worry a lot on ‘perfection’ and setting up ‘high standards’ from the beginning. treat it like a learning curve! this is something we all do for fun, so don’t get stressed a lot on it. you can always change and adapt things and that’s no problem!

i love lists, so im gonna list a few things of advice/tips basing myself on what you said!!!

i personally don't do engagements anymore, so i can't really help you in this regard of even more activities you could do 🧍‍♀️ what i could recommend for people to get to know your characters' personalities and private lives and grow attached to them, add in BTS posts.

continuing on my BTS’ post thing, they are a GREAT way to show more than what the public sees for your royals. because from a press and public point of view, you don't really know 'what goes on behind closed doors'. they could be all happy in public, but in privatE??!??!!?!?

as i said in my starting out guide, i did have around ~15 drafts done before i started posting. just so i could not stress about “oh my god i dont have any posts for tomorrow”. a LOT of ppl do posts and queue them as they go, and they have MANY posts done and usually they start accumulating and they are MONTHS in advance compared to what they’re currently posting. if this method works for you, you can definitely use it!

please, please please read your dialogue OUT loud. is it possible to say a 2093023902 word sentence without a singular use of punctuation? do people in this age and era really talk this way? also please if possible use correct grammar. just a little pet peeve, it can take a reader out of the immersion your story gives them.

we all have our lil dialogue habits. mine is starting sentences with “oh” and the infamous dash “—”. others use ellipses. just make sure you aren’t overdoing it. for example, doing a sentence like “oh— there you are. i was uhm— looking for you. how—how are you? its—i mean where have you uhm— been? yes—ive—ive been fine. you? i mean— your mom” ....just no 😔 it doesnt read well at ALL

you can always do lil filler posts, dont tell anyone tell you otherwise. post a little simstagram post, a little family portrait, updated portraits post, family hanging out, kids hanging out, etc.

for posing sims, i do try and remember where MOST of my poses are in the ingame list. usually creators’ correctly naming the poses helps a lot. for example i need a Mel Bennet pose; hers are usually ALL in the same spot and have the same lil aqua bg so i can easily find them. sometimes, i dl pose packs VERY specifically for a certain scene. am i gonna use them again? no. so i open the .package file in sims4studio and rename them to “00 for emi scene [rest of the og name” so when i open my game, they are around the top of the list! no more scrolling and i easily know what i need it for.

dont be scared to plan things that are happening MONTHS from now or anything in detail. some ppl dont like planning things in detail, or even dont like planning things AT ALL or things that arent happening say, in over 2 weeks because idk, they get bored. i recommend at LEAST having a list of things that HAVE to happen so you have ‘goals’ and you slowly plan out how you’re gonna get there. at LEAST theres some level of planning there. if you’re posting and PLANNING as you go, there’s gonna be holes. and it’s gonna be obvious.

editing wise, i don’t do much. my reshade does most of the work, i just add in my psd, add text and done! this is easily the fastest thing you will ever do.

if you get inspired by someone else doing, idk, a certain layout for the portraits, them adding little things to their captions, a certain edit, etc. if you want to do something similar and you ARE very much aware you were inspired by them, credit them in the caption. i beg. its free, its the nice thing to do, bc if not its rude.

if you get inspired by a certain storyline someone else did and you notice yours is gonna be similar, go ahead and send them a message to let them know and if they have any tips or feel uncomfortable with you doing this. simply put, if you don’t, you’re gonna look bad. we are all bound to do same storylines, such as assassinations, shooty shooty’s, stalkers, first loves, accidental babies, etc. but what changes is how each person approaches it. no ones gonna do it the same way as you and others. if you CONSCIOUSLY start copying else, stop it. and you could even be unconsciously be inspired by someone else too. it happens! just make sure you are able to look at the bigger picture and realize “hey, i’m doing something wrong”

same thing with dialogue. you like a line someone else said in their story? don’t just... steal it and incorporate it into yours word BY WORD

OVERALL: you can be inspired. give credit where it’s due. and don’t copy because someone else is doing ‘something others like’ and you want others to like your story. no no no !

im adding this AFTER i posted it but, be yourself. in the way you interact with others and send questions, etc. don’t try and copy someone else’s personality because they are liked and essentially absorb them. be yourself and i’m sure a lot of ppl will like you the way you are : D

for my writing dialogue etc, this goes back to my point 8. i use milanote, its free and you get 200 free thingies to use, and i plan out how every single one of my posts is gonna go. so i just have to go ingame and i already know what im gonna do. no thoughts, just taking screenshots. for example, this is how a part of my part 2, chapter 3 posts layout looks like. every square is a post that has what is happening, who is in it, what is gonna be said very vaguely, etc:

11. and the most important tip! don’t compare yourself to others. i did it at the beginning. i think we all did at one point. its not good for you at all. please always remember we all are here for share our lil stories with each other and it’s not easy get a following. you’ll get there and its gonna take time. be patient, be nice!!! and i cant wait to see your story!!!!!!!!!!