#i have work at 6 am i hate myseld

[physicsfox7]

Anxiety attacks dont make any fucking sense. Usually I know why I'm having one, but never see them coming.

This time I could feel it coming on, for over an hour. I thought having music would make the difference, but its not my stim music, so of course it wouldn't work. But I dont know why. Its not money related, I dont feel like my friends hate me.

I'm just scared. And tender, if that makes sense.

I dont understand all of this, as is blatantly clear by my saying "I dont get it" in every autism/anxiety/panic attack related post I've made in the last 6 months. Does anyone? Are we supposed to analyze this and apply logic to an illogical situation and...reverse engineer it?

Because I can't fucking think straight to save my life right now. I had enough presence to plug in my phone and dig out my ear buds.

I think fondly of the days when I would feel anxious and just push it down. Then get a migraine a day or two later.

The common trigger (as unoriginal as it is) seems to be staying up too late. And here I am tapping on my phone instead of trying to sleep. But is there any point in laying in my bed next to my partner and shaking, sighing, and twitching? Why disturb her? Even though I feel guilty on the nights I dont go to bed.

I might pass out in 10 more minutes, or lay in bed until day. How did I get here? I went from calm, confident and capable to a mess practically overnight.

I masked so hard I didnt know I was. I didnt know I was suppressing everything, I didnt know I was making myself sick. I thought I was feeling things in the moment and moving on.

Then seemingly overnight (maybe a couple of weeks, it was disturbingly quick) I didnt take my armor off in stages, I ripped it all down to nothing. I have no protections: anxiety attacks in the grocery store, an inability to move some mornings, a crushing weight on my chest, a racing heart out of nowhere. Right now I'm shaking so badly autocorrect is doing most of the work.

There wasnt any point to this. Not really. No one who might read this hasnt already gone through it 1000 times. This is old hat, not that it diminishes the severity.

On a positive note, they do seem to be coming less frequently. I'll take it, its a damn sight better than 5 or 6 a day, laying on my floor gasping for hours.

Same rules as always: scroll by if you want. I dont ask anything of anyone, even to read it. Not like I'm comfortable enough to actually say anything here. This is all vagaries, which makes me mad at myself. I need to be hoenst with myseld and those around me, and in some instances I just can't. Because I am a coward and I'm afraid of how people react.

This is just making me spiral, and I just want to send it before I delete it.

[naknaknakadile]

So I was getting to thinking about Mother 3 and its characterization and a few different topics so this post is probably going to get really convoluted really fast.

##warnings for Abuse, abuse, and more abuse mentions, but also for hallucination and death

First i was thinking about tanetane like always, since that was a huge way to look inside the characters' minds since you get a load of everybody's deepest insecurities.

Theres so much to unpack there!

This is the big place where we see that Kumatora is fully aware that her title of princess is based on absolutely nothing, and that in the end she feels very isolated from everyone else. The magypsies, her only family, are flighty and seemingly immortal and look at humans as silly frivolous creatures who barely start to live by the time death comes to collect them. She's isolated from the rest of Tazmily by being raised by them, and due to her title of princess, and even that title gives her nothing due the rundown, ghost-filled nature of the castle she calls her home.

Duster unfortunately doesnt get much depth added here besides the obvious fear of his abusive father, though I think it's important to take into account how the themes of isolation, loneliness, and abuse are so prevalent in this game. Duster is highly coded as suffering from depression (sleeping all day, hardly showering, seeming to have trouble interacting with others, etc) and its hard to say whether that came into effect naturally or due to the physical and mental abuse his father inflicted on him (causing him to even become disabled with a permanent limp). Unfortunately, even before the colonization of Tazmily by the Pigmask army, he's treated like an outcast by the rest of the village. Whether its because of his father or his awkward manner, hes never taken seriously and everyone appears to laugh off his abuse or believe it was warranted because hes just some awkward, stinky guy who likes cheese and oversleeps.

And then Lucas, which is the most blatantly obvious. The hallucinations he faces are the most jarring and iconic of the game, due to the chord of his family's tragedy being plucked time and time again. However, it still manages to be a complex tragedy, and the way the lines are handled hint at more than meets the eye.

Before we start with sifting through his experience on Tanetane though, I'd like to start with his experiences.... outside of Tanetane.

Lucas grew up in Tazmily, a town of less than a hundred people, who were so tightly knit a person could walk into anothers house at just about any time and theyd be offered company and food and any need that needed to be met would be offered by the community. There was no money, because love was the biggest commodity. Compassion, humanitarianism, genuine kindness. If something bad happens, its felt by everyone. If a person cant provide for themself, then others would provide for them.

However, once the community began being invaded by capitalism and tourists, Tazmily become a much less welcoming place. The sympathy for Lucas's loss turned sour, and he became a burden and even someone to gawk at. He and his father are the ones who wont change, theyre too stuck in the past. Theyre so silly, not assimilating like everyone else. Why cant they just get over it and buy a tv or something. Lucas and Flint didnt just lose their family, but their very roots in the community.

This all ties in to one of the most iconic and offputting lines in the game.

"Everyones waiting for you. Everyone's waiting to throw rocks at you, spit on you, and make your life hell. Who's "everyone"...? Everyone you love."

Its the community, everyone Lucas has ever known have drifted apart from him, leaving him isolated, abandoned, and outright fucking terrified.

Speaking of drifting away! Another one of Lucas's hallucinations involve his father, Flint, who's spent the last 3 years hunting the mountains for his son that everyone knew was dead. Now, its hard to say if Flint actually believed Claus was dead all along, or if he was just too stubborn to come to terms with it, or if there was an alternative reason he was constantly in the mountains.

I personally believe it was for a few different things, but this is simply my interpretation:

1 I believe it helped him personally to clear his head by being alone

2 Isolating himself kept him from having to deal with the thoughts and feelings of the other villagers

3 Well, let me get into the second quote from Tanetane....

"I'm gonna beat you. I'm gonna beat you, boy. Daddy's gonna beat you."

Now, this line can be taken more than one way. One can presume Flint grew physically abusive after the death of his family, or that Lucas was deathly afraid that he was /going to/. I personally prefer the second interpretation because I feel it makes more narrative sense that Flint came close. That something in their relationship sprung lose and Flint snapped at Lucas, probably over the tension of sadness, and it almost became physical. And that is another reason I personally believe he isolated himself to the mountains for so long- to stop himself from ever hurting his only remaining family member. But I feel the memory of that encounter stuck in Lucas's mind as an egging fear that one day Flint would come home and would not stop himself, and that this fear became embodied in his time on Tanetane.

Now that just leaves one other emotion that we havent discussed, but its one that plays a huge and obvious part in Lucas's character. This feeling is guilt, which is shown a thousand times on Tanetane. Pretty much every time Claus appears, he makes comment marring the line between himself and Lucas.

"Let's switch places. Let's switch places. Lucas. Lucas. Let's switch places. You're more... You're more..."

Lucas throughout text appears to be terrified of dying yet feels overwhelmingly that Claus's death was his fault and that he should have been the one to die instead, mostly illustrated in the above quote in which Claus suggests they ''switch places" so that he could be alive again.

Besides this, Lucas also seems to have a loose grasp of his own identity (eg. Looking at himself through the mailbox and looking through the post cards), which may just be chalked up to mushrooms if youre uncreative and dont want to read into things. Really all of this could be chalked up to bad mushrooms for the most part, but its nearly one in the morning and I said what I said. And theres your sign.

Play Mother 3.

[that-is-so-gay-okay]

Answer them all

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most

Right now I listen to “Sober” by Demi Lovato, “What I Need” by Hayley Kiyoko, “PlayinWitMe” by Kyle, “Krippy Kush” by Bad Bunny, “Red Roses” by Lil Skies, and “Everybody Hates Me” by The Chainsmokers

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

I would meet the person I am meant to be with the rest of my life, the person I am meant to love

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“I’m with them because, despite everything, I still love them.”

4: What do you think about most?

I think about how in the hell I am going to pay for my student loans and if it is even worth living

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“For real and she makes me so happy I dont want to be mad at her”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

I sleep with boxers but otherwise no clothes

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I can put my pinkies behind ring fingers without touching them

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls just want to have fun. Boys will be boys.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

No, not that I am aware of

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Like yesterday

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

I dont think so. I have your average everyday phobias like arachnophobia and  acrophobia

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

No, I can’t say I have

13: What’s your religion?

Christian of the ELCA Lutheran denomination

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Mowing the lawn or swimming

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind the camera

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Of Mice and Men

17: What was the last lie you told?

That I filled out a job application

18: Do you believe in karma?

Yes I do

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s ironic, it states that I am a little queer but really I am very queer

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

My greatest weakness is that I care too much for people, my greatest strength is also just that

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Hailee Steinfeld or Dove Cameron

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Yes, it is called joining the swim team at my college

23: How do you vent your anger?

It depends, if I am taking my medication I might yell, but if I am not on my medication I will break things and throw things and punch things

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Yes snow globes, and coins I love collecting money

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

I rather not do either

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I am but I think I can still be better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate the sound of people eating corn and cereal. I love the sound of thunder

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I never cut myseld

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Yes and yes

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

An endtable and my hat

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

My house

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

An Econolodge in South Dakota, I do not recommend

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

I haven’t been to either, but I think they have their own great qualities I cannot choose unless I visit

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

I don’t know....Luke Bryan??

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

I can’t answer this question

36: Define Art.

Who the fuck knows these days?

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes

38: What’s the weather like right now?

HOT HOT HOT

39: What time is it?

14:41

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes and yes

41: What was the last book you read?

“Confessions of a Murder Suspect”

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Love it

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Ry, Ry-Ry, and Ryles

44: What was the last film you saw?

TAG

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I was cut up by three men when I was 17. Needed many stitches

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Many times

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Nah, not really

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m a lesbian but I use the term gay

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Many

50: Do you believe in magic?

I believe in the idea

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Depends how wrong they’ve done me. There are two people I will never be in contact again with because of things they have done to me

52: What is your astrological sign?

Virgo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

I need to save it but I spend it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Shaving Razors

55: Love or lust?

Love

56: In a relationship?

LMAO HAHAHA......no.

57: How many relationships have you had?

7, 2 were serious

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Yes

59: Where were you yesterday?

Work

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

My shirt, my hat, my blanket (pink is my second favorite color)

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

No, which is strange because I always have socks on

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Monkey

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

My romantic side, but I am also freaking hilarious

64: Where is your best friend?

I have two. One is in Lincoln, NE the other in Scottsbluff, NE

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

According to Tumblr, in order they are 1) totallylesbians, 2)xxmmxx, 3)pizduedne, 4)l-e-s-b-o-t, and 5)pinkmakesmehappy21

66: What is your heritage?

I am part Czech, Irish, and German, and I am sure many others but these are the three largest and my family celebrates all of the Czech and Irish holidays

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Sleeping

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I think it’s Satan, Lucifer Satan

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

.....

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yes

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I get fired

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

A)I would B)Travel C)No

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Trust

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

“This One’s for the Girls” by Martina McBride

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

9614

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Trust, romance, and humor

77: How can I win your heart?

Talk to me, be kind

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

hehehe yes

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

To not end my life

80: What size shoes do you wear?

10 in men’s and 11 in women’s

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Literally have an entire funeral planned out for me except that

82: What is your favourite word?

Lit or Fam

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Love

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“Lit fam”

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

“XO TOUR Llif3″ by Lil Uzi Vert

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

All shades of blue except indigo and all shades of pink except magenta

87: What is your current desktop picture?

My three nieces and nephew

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I want to say Trump but I rather have Trump as president than Pence, so I have to say this girl named Taylor

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“Have you ever tried to kill yourself?”

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Go back to bed

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Read minds

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

I have no idea, honestly

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Dating her.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

I’m taking this as I get to sleep in pajamas next to any music-celebrity no sexual activity because I don’t want that, so if that is the case I have to say Demi Lovato

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

California

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

No

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yes

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Something witty. Nothing clever just funny.