#i have trouble expressing my emotions and being vulnerable im sorry <3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mcverse · 1 year

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ꨄ︎ Paring: Neteyam x Avatar! F! Reader

ꨄ︎ Requested: Yes/No

ꨄ︎ Type: Part 3 out of 5 (Previous/Next)

ꨄ︎ Word count: I lost count lmaoo

ꨄ︎ Warnings: Slight angst, Emotional reader-ish?—that’s it, not spell checked

ꨄ︎ Side Bar: been a minute ✌️ lo siento im looking back at the old post & noticed I f-ed up the location—e.g. hometree and highcamp. I’m aware it’s not the same but I also forget what I previously write. I’m not gonna fix it. Just roll with it!

please keep in mind that all characters in my stories are always 18+

The arrival of Jake, the revered Olo'eyktan of the Omatikaya clan, to formally take responsibility and apologize not only for his son, but also for his mate creates an atmosphere thick with tension and unease.

It was a situation you wished could be erased from memory, an awkward and unwanted encounter that left you feeling exposed and vulnerable.

Contrary to his promise of visiting later, Jake appears the next morning, having fulfilled his a similar obligations with Spider at the break of dawn. Spider stood at a distance, a silent pillar of support, offering moral encouragement from afar.

The whole ordeal was deeply embarrassing, leaving you figuratively and quite literally exposed. Jake stood before you, his presence commanding attention, and it was a struggle to meet his gaze.

The weight of shame bore down upon you, a heavy burden knowing that your actions had caused trouble within his family.

His words hung in the air, filled with a blend of understanding and disappointment. Jake's intentions extended beyond a mere apology; he seeks resolution and a path forward amidst the tangled emotions that hang in the air.

The weight of his words sank deep within you, stirring a wish for the power to rewind time and erase the strain you had caused, disrupting the harmony of this sacred place.

You remain silent, lost in your thoughts, prompting Jake's concern to deepen. His voice carries a hint of worry as he shares the repercussions of your actions.

"Neteyam won't continue your training after yesterday's incident," he reveals, his brows furrowing with a tinge of disappointment.

Your gaze drifts absentmindedly behind him, and he glances over his shoulder, visibly relieved to find only Spider standing there, a silent pillar of support from a distance.

In an attempt to bridge the gap and offer solace, Jake reaches up and places his hand on top of your head, gently aligning your eyes with his.

His next words carry both reassurance and understanding, "I will take over your training," he states. The weight of his words sinks in, accompanied by a mix of apprehension and hope.

A frown etches itself upon your face, and you bow your head, tears welling up in your eyes. Your voice trembles as you whisper, your words laden with self-blame, "I'm sorry... I messed up." The weight of your mistake presses down on you, filling you with a profound sense of regret.

Jake shakes his head, his expression unwavering yet brimming with empathy. "Hey, hey!" he interjects, his voice soothing. In an instant, he envelops you in a warm embrace, an embrace that feels remarkably paternal.

Tears stream down your cheeks as his hand rubs gentle circles on your back, offering comfort and reassurance. "Don't say that," he murmurs softly. "It's not your fault."

Nestled against his chest, you find comfort in his words, but the weight of guilt remains. Amidst the ebb and flow of tears, you speak amidst a mix of emotions, "But it is. I shouldn't have gone. Kiri wouldn't be hurt, and everyone wouldn't be so angry."

The embrace tightens, further offering a sense of comfort and reassurance. Jake's voice carries a gentle tone as he emphasizes the importance of everyone's well-being.

"What's important is that neither of you are seriously injured," he asserts, his arms loosening their hold as he gently steps back.

With a tender touch, he lifts your chin, delicately wiping away the tears staining your cheeks, "No blame to anyone, okay?" he adds, his eyes filled with understanding, "I know it's tough, but you're a tough girl, and we are so proud of you."

A small hiccup escapes you as you try to compose yourself. "We?" you inquire, your voice laced with curiosity and vulnerability.

Jake chuckles warmly, his hand releasing your face and playfully tousling your hair. Despite the urge to swat his hand away, you let it be, savoring the lighthearted moment.

"Everyone," he replies, a fondness evident in his voice. "Me, Max, Norm, Kiri, Spider, Lo'ak..." He pauses, raising an eyebrow with a mischievous glint before continuing, "Speaking of Lo'ak, he's grounded."

Your eyes widen in surprise. "Because of the accident? Please don't be too hard on him," you plead, concern for Lo'ak's well-being evident in your voice.

Jake shakes his head, his gaze steady and reassuring. "That, among other things," he reveals, his tone filled with a mixture of firmness and understanding.

"Don't worry yourself about it. Get ready. I'm taking you back out there this afternoon." With those words, he begins to walk away, his figure growing smaller in the distance.

…

In the late afternoon, Jake reappears to fetch you, guiding you into the depths of the forest, venturing beyond the usual paths Neteyam would take.

If you were to claim that you haven't thought about Neteyam since your last exchange, you'd be dishonest. His words have been looping in your mind endlessly, leaving you utterly confused by the cruelty of his remarks.

You always held the belief that Neteyam was meant to be kinder, and you know deep down it's true. You had witnessed his acts of kindness firsthand on certain occasions, though they were never directed towards you. It's possible they may never be.

Jake comes to an abrupt halt, nearly causing you to collide into his back. You manage to catch yourself just in time, swiftly collecting your composure, not wanting to appear unprepared in front of your future leader.

"Before you can hunt, you need to learn how to find prey," Jake declares, locking eyes with you. He motions for you to crouch down, directing your attention to a distinct imprint in the muddy ground.

It's a clear and well-defined Hexapede print, unmistakable in its form. "Remember this," he emphasizes, "yerik will be your first target on the hunt."

You lower yourself closer to the ground, studying the yerik print as instructed by Jake. The imprinted shape stands out, each indentation marking the presence of the elusive creature you are about to pursue.

Its importance sinks deep into your mind as you commit the image to memory, determined to make this initial lesson worth it.

Rising from your crouched position, you maintain a low stance as Jake leads the way, offering further guidance on how to locate and track your prey.

Your concentration remains unwavering as you mimic his every movement, determined not to let your mind wander or be swayed by distractions.

Being fully present in the moment is crucial, allowing you to absorb the teachings imparted and sharpen your skills as you strive to become a skilled hunter.

After a while of trailing Jake through the forest, you both reach a clearing similar of the one where you encountered the Titanothere, albeit smaller and more densely covered in foliage. However, this time, there is no massive creature in sight.

Instead, concealed amidst the greenery, you catch a fleeting glimpse of yerik young—smaller and not yet mature enough to be considered adults.

It's an easy detail to miss if you blink, but you manage to spot them. The discovery fills you with excitement at this being the second animal you’ve come to witness since being reborn.

"They're beautiful," you comment, swiftly and stealthily moving to gain better access for observing the yerik young meeting up with their parent. The sight fills you with warmth but also sadness.

You don't consider yourself as very insightful when it comes to your own feelings, but if you had to guess, it would be because you lack what those animals have.

Despite undergoing changes on the outside, everything else remains unchanged within you and around you.

Gazing away from the prey, your eyes shift towards Jake. While not a parental figure, you held him in close regard lately, yet that sentiment fell short.

His family, undoubtedly, held the greatest significance to him. The question lingered: Why did he invest his time in you? It was a thought you wrestled with, more than you'd care to admit.

"What’s on your mind, kid?" Jake inquire, fixing his gaze upon you, revealing that your concentration had wavered during your training session.

Swiftly, your eyes divert to the ground, pressing your ears flat against your head from anxiety. The last thing you wanted was to become the one who disappointed the Leader of the Omaticaya, yet it seemed all too effortless, “I’m sorry.” you mumble.

Jake's nostrils flare in a sigh, a momentary glance away as he searches for the appropriate words to navigate this circumstance.

Despite his own responsibilities as a father of four children and the weight of an entire village on his shoulders, he recognizes that you mirrored him in some ways, sharing similarities despite the minor differences.

Even though he knew it didn’t quite make sense, he still felt responsible for you. Maybe a little part of him pushed him to care, even if he wasn’t sure why. But what he did know was that you needed support now more than ever.

He had seen you struggling, dealing with tough challenges. Your determination reminded him of his own past. It was like things had come full circle, giving him a chance to help someone who understood his earlier struggles.

Jake took a deep breath and came closer, looking at you with understanding, “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he reassures you in a calm tone, “You can finally live the way you’ve always felt. Sure, I might have disagreed with your risky adventure, but in the end, you’ve learned an important lesson.”

Your lips forms a thin line as you look up at him, your confusion evident in your eyes. He let out a chuckle, shaking his head. His hand moved towards your head, but you intercepted it before he could mess up your hair again.

“Try not to listen to Lo’ak,” he advises firmly, standing up and retracing the path you had taken. You watch him for a moment, taken aback by this unfamiliar characteristic of Jake that you hadn’t seen before.

Eventually, a smile tugs at your lips, and you follow him back to camp, amused by the newfound side of him.

Over the past few weeks, this had become your routine. Jake would guide you along the same route, until you were as familiar with the hexapede's usual spot as the back of your hand.

Despite the initial difficulty of waking up earlier in the morning rather than at noon, your newfound purpose made it worthwhile – you were now driven by something worth fighting for.

The time has come for you to showcase what you have learned, and your nerves feel like they're on fire. Your heart hasn't beaten this fast before, not even when you took your first breath as a baby.

You are aware that a lot hangs over you as Jake blesses your departure for the hunt—even things that cannot be spoken into words.

Your jaws clench as you glance at the gathering crowd. Though not everyone likes you, they show up out of respect for tradition and their chief.

Your body tenses up as your eyes lock with the Sullys, each of their expressions differing from the next.

Neytiri holds her nose up, her eyes steely as she watches you with disapproval. Neteyam doesn't look upset like he did when he scolded you so harshly; his face is neutral—unreadable, and you're not sure if you like this better than when he was expressive.

Lo'ak looks stiff, his eyes focused on you. If you didn't know him, you'd think there was nothing wrong, but the flicking of his tail tells you he's anxious. You send him a subtle smile, earning a curt nod.

Your eyes finally land on Kiri. Unlike Lo'ak, you know she's nervous. Based on the frown on her face, the furrow of her brows, and the way she's twisting her tail in her hands, perhaps she's even more nervous than you are.

Kiri shoots you a faint smile, and you return it with a warmer one, hoping it provides the comfort she's seeking. Jake lets you know it's time to go, expressing his wish that you'll make it back by nightfall.

Resisting the urge to glance back, you wonder why the moment feels oddly sentimental. You can't claim to enjoy it, yet you don't despise it either. Despite their potential lack of strong feelings towards you, you feel acknowledged and seen.

Once this is over, they'll have no other choice but to recognize the unwavering efforts you've invested in building connections. It will dawn on them that they must learn to live harmoniously with you.

No matter how frequently they emphasize your demon-like qualities, regardless of your altered appearance, they'll eventually have to come to terms with coexisting alongside what they consider an abomination.

It all becomes muscle memory as you navigate the forest to your advantage. Tracking the prints of your prey feels much simpler now that you have a clear understanding of what to look for.

Making your way through the foliage and over uneven ground takes less time than you recall. Even the weight of your bow on your back and the pressure of your hunting knife tucked into your waist band felt comfortable—like you were in your element, in your home.

At the beginning of the hunt, your heart raced, but now, seamlessly blending into your surroundings, your eyes effortlessly spot your prey. A calm washes over you, reminiscent of the sea before a storm.

The impending tempest is mirrored in the skilled grip of the bow, its aim steady as you target the adult yerik that has strayed from its herd. The creature halts, almost as if aware that a battle for survival is about to unfold.

The motion is almost effortless as the bowstring propels forward, propelling the arrow through the air, slicing through the trees, and striking its target with precision. The creature collapses instantaneously, succumbing to a single, well-placed shot.

Was it wrong to be exhilarated that your first kill went perfectly? Especially knowing that the yerik are challenging to take down due to their speed and are just as deadly as any other creatures on this planet?

Yes, it was wrong. You took a life that has now returned to Eywa. But it was a merciful act—you made certain of its passing by tracking it down and confirming its end.

Placing your hand over its chest, above its heart, you begin your prayer: “I See You, Brother, and thank you. Your spirit departs with Eywa, while your body remains to join the People.”

You place your bow back on your back, gripping the arrow and ripping it out, pausing as you caress it, before unshielding your hunting knife.

You secure your bow onto your back before firmly grasping the arrow and extracting it. You pause, briefly caressing the yerik, and then proceed to take the vine wrapped around you off, to tie the yerik ready for transporting.

Once the vine is secure, the trip back to hometree becomes more time-consuming, possibly due to the added weight you're dragging along. As day transitions into night, you alter your strategy.

You untie the yerik and muster the strength to hoist it onto your shoulders. Swiftly, you wrap vines around it, determined not to let it slip, no matter the strain it has on your shoulders.

The sight of highcamp threshold spurs you to increase your pace, your heart quickening with anticipation for everyone’s reaction. Will it be a positive one? Or perhaps the opposite? Did you fail, or does it even truly matter in the end?

Walking past the threshold, you weren't exactly taken aback by the noticeably smaller crowd. You understand their reasoning, more then they probably can. However, the sight of those who remained brought you enough happiness to validate your decision in the first place.

Relief washes over Lo’ak’s, Kiri's and Spider faces as they spot you, hurrying over to join you and assist with the carcass. Tuk follows closely behind, evidently delighted to be present for this moment. Jake stands back, wearing a proud smile alongside Max and Norm.

However, what catches you off guard is Neytiri's presence. She gazes at you before turning her attention to the prey you've brought. Her lips pucker slightly, and she raises her head in a subtle nod, so understated that you almost overlook it.

That…that was a start.

"You did well," Kiri whispers, a smile lighting up her face as she crouches beside you. "I had faith in you."

Her steadfast faith in you fills you with warmth. In moments like these, you realize that you may not need the full acceptance of an entire village or species; the trust she bestows upon you could be sufficient.

Nonetheless, you were still considered a demon, and historically, demons were often characterized as being driven by greed.

Did you not deserve to feel a touch of greed after all the solemn years you’ve endured? Those who haven’t lived a single moment in your shoes have no right to expect you to be content so easily.

Yes, you are grateful for what’s been given, but you’re not satisfied. You’ll never be satisfied—not until they truly see you.

"Was it hard?" Spider questions, his gaze fixed on the unusually large prey you've brought back. He's curious about the level of difficulty it presented, given your infrequent solo hunting expeditions.

You shake your head, and with a slight roll of your shoulders to relieve the tension, you admit, "The only challenge was lugging it back. My approach wasn't the wisest, I confess."

"Are you hurt?" Lo'ak finally speaks up after a while, standing behind you and staring down at the side of your face with knitted brows. He struggles to keep his eyes from scanning you to find the source of the injury but manages to resist the temptation.

“Not in the way you may be thinking.”

"I think you should still visit grandma," Tuk murmurs, gazing up at you with wide, innocent eyes. Concern lingers on her face before transforming into a smile, "I'll come along!" she exclaims joyfully, taking hold of your hand and guiding you in the direction of Mo’at’s hut.

"Hey, hang on a moment, Tuk!" Kiri calls out, but she resigns herself to Tuk's eager pull, adding, "Just be cautious on your way!"

If you were still human, Tuk would have worn you out straight to death with the way she dragged you through the village, proudly showcasing you in her unique manner. However, you were no longer human.

You can easily keep pace, dare you say even more adeptly than a native Na'vi like herself, and yet you let her do as she pleases. Even if it was somewhat embarrassing to have all the eyes in the village on you, drawn to Tuk's infectious laughter and vibrant personality.

“Oh, Nete!!”

You want to say it's Tuk's voice that brings you back to the present, that it helps you escape the thoughts that consume you even when you least expect it, but it's not.

You're ashamed to admit it's his very name that centers you.

You mentally pray that he won't notice you, hoping you can become as small as Tuk is when she stops him from whatever he was on his way to do.

Your body instinctively contracts slightly when that prayer fails, and your voice deserts you as his eyes automatically meet yours.

It feels too soon, seeing him like this. The wound is still raw, with no time to properly heal. You quickly avert your eyes, your lips pressed tightly together as you make an effort to send your mind far away once again.

What could be going through Tuk's mind? Has she forgotten what occurred? Is this what they refer to as the innocence and ignorance of a child?

"Nete! You should've seen it! (Nickname) brought back a big kill," Tuk exclaims, clearly placing you on a pedestal. Perhaps, her expectations are set a bit too high.

And telling him wouldn't provoke any reaction; it's clear that he doesn't care about you, despite the lingering feelings you regretfully still hold for him.

Neteyam, who briefly shifted his focus to his sister when you averted your gaze from him, is now returning his attention to you.

You couldn't see it, as it was still too nerve-wracking, but you could feel it. The same steely gaze you experienced during all those hours of training with him—it's no different now. They show no emotion when they look at you.

Yet, the stare doesn't linger on your face.

It travels downward—to your neck, shoulders, arms, legs, and any exposed skin. It's swift, merely skimming over your body, evaluating you—perhaps even doubting your ability to accomplish what Tuk claimed you did.

It was undeniably swift, and yet it left you feeling vulnerable. It was a new development, something you hadn't noticed him do before—at least, not so directly or unabashedly in your presence. You were uncertain about your feelings toward it—no, that's not entirely true.

You did appreciate it; after all, his attention was on you. But it was for an uncertain reason, so you couldn't fully indulge in the satisfaction it brought.

‘Ugh. What am I saying? Stop, Stop—Stop it!’

"Where are you heading, Tuk?" Neteyam inquires after a significant pause, shifting his attention away from you to focus on his sister.

With his gaze no longer fixated on you, you sneak a glance at them through your peripheral vision, only to catch him flashing an innocent smile at her.

How can this be the same person who belittled you in front of his family?

“To visit Grandma. (Nickname) is hurt,” Tuk replies promptly, without hesitation.

Tuk's words hang in the air, and Neteyam falls into a heavy silence. His smile fades, replaced by a sharpness in his eyes as his eyes widen slightly.

For the third time in mere minutes, his gaze lands squarely on you. His brows furrow deeply, and his eyes race over your form with an intensity that borders on concern.

Is it possible? Could that be genuine worry in his eyes? You can't be certain; you've never seen him show any concern directed your way before.

“What—I don—“

Tuk abruptly cuts him off, saying, "We've got to go. Bye, Nete!" She firmly grips your hand and starts pulling you away. As you pass Neteyam, it's as if time stretches, your gaze locked with his—him making the deliberate effort to turn his head and follow your departure.

You're the first to break eye contact, averting your gaze and taking a deep breath as if you had forgotten to breathe. You're relieved when Tuk cuts the interaction short; you doubt your ability to decipher all the unusual actions that Neteyam was displaying.

And you shouldn't want to. He's hurt you deeply, and it's not justified, no matter how much he believes he's in the right. You should not, definitely not, feel anything for him.

You force your attention back into focus, your eyes fixed on Mo'at's hut just a few feet away. The nerves are creeping back up again, but it's different from how they are when it comes to him.

No, it's a distinct feeling. It has always been different with Mo'at, much like the way you feel unlimited joy with Kiri as opposed to a handful with Spider.

Mo'at is somewhat supportive. She sees potential in you, and she holds you to high standards; otherwise, she wouldn't even bother with you. So, yes, it's natural to feel nervous about seeing her after your first solo hunt.

What will she say?

How will she react?

Will she share in your pride as you take a step closer to a dream you've longed for on countless nights?

Her opinion matters to you, perhaps even more than anyone else’s. She could have easily abandoned you to live a lonely and sorrowful life, but instead, she chose to collaborate with the humans, the very same species that took her mate’s life, all to aid you. In a way, you owe her your life as she helped you transfer over.

In a strange, twisted way, you view her as a motherly figure. And like any child, it's second nature to want to please someone you look up to. In that respect, you were no different.

The scent of herbs and spices greets your nose as Tuk leads you into Mo'at's hut. She releases your hand and skips over to her grandmother, who is seated on the floor in the center, tending to various medicinal remedies.

"Grandma! Guess who's returned?" Tuk exclaims in a whispered shout, settling down beside her grandmother and grinning broadly.

Mo'at pauses, pretending to contemplate before turning to Tuk with an expectant look. "You, my child?" Mo'at playfully questions.

Tuk giggles at her grandmother's reply, shaking her head, and then she turns to point at you. "No, not me," she clarifies, "It's (Nickname) who's back, and she's brought back a large catch."

Mo'at's nose tilts slightly upward as she follows Tuk's arm, her gaze settling on you. You stand there tensely as her heated eyes seem to fixate on you.

The way her eyes scan over you reminds you of Neytiri, but unlike Neytiri, Mo'at's eyes don't hold any malicious emotion when it comes to you. Instead, she just has a intense gaze.

"Are you injured?" Mo'at questions, her eyes fixed on your shoulders, brows furrowing as she interprets your body language before you even have a chance to explain your presence.

You nod, finding no reason to be untruthful, especially now that she has observed it herself, "Just a little sore. Nothing too painful," you confirm honestly. It's nothing more than a strained muscle, and you believe a warm bath could help relieve it.

Mo'at hums and rises from her seated position, "Still, sit down. I'll tend to you," she instructs before walking over to a shelf. With her back turned to you, she speaks to Tuk, "Why don't you go, my child? I have something important to discuss with (Name)."

She didn't need to turn around to sense that Tuk's smile had faded, replaced by a pout. "But—" Tuk begins, but then sighs, realizing deep down that reasoning wouldn't work, "Oh, alright." She stands up and moves over to you, giving you a tight hug before darting out of the hut.

You glance from the hut's entrance back to Mo’at, who is still gathering materials. Then, you make your way deeper inside, taking a seat at the same table she occupied earlier.

You wait patiently for her return, although the restless movement of your clammy hands and your darting eyes might suggest otherwise.

Finally, she returns to your side, walking past you to crouch behind you. "Remove your top," Mo’at instructs firmly, prompting you to scramble to comply. She adds, observing your struggle, "It would be simpler if you were dressed in Na'vi."

Not this again.

"If I complete my rite of passage, I will consider it," you respond, growing exasperated as she raises this topic once again.

You flinch at the sensation of something cold touching your skin but gradually relax as it warms, "When you complete it. Yes, remind me," Mo’at sighs. "How is your progress?"

A smile spreads across your face as you reflect on your achievement earlier in the day, "Well, I believe I have completed my hunting just moments ago," you proudly announce.

"And?" Mo’at prompts you to continue as she applies more ointment.

"As Tuk has mentioned, I brought back a worthy catch."

Mo’at sets the ointment down and begins to wrap your shoulders with foliage. "Good," she chimes, "Your journey is beginning, and the timing is right."

You turn your head to look at her, confusion evident in your eyes as you ponder her words. "What do you mean?" you ask, genuinely puzzled.

Mo’at taps the foliage, testing its stability, and then gazes into your eyes with utmost seriousness. "I have a task for you," she states, "A task meant for you alone."

Her words and the intensity of her gaze make it clear that whatever she is asking is of great importance. But you can't help but wonder why she's choosing you for this.

"What kind of task?" you inquire, your curiosity getting the better of you.

Mo’at steps away from you, picking up the ointment and walking back to the shelf to store it. "Once you complete your passage and become one of our people," she begins, "you will represent us when you journey to the eastern village."

A slight pang in your chest makes you wonder if she's also eager to be rid of you, but it doesn't make much sense why she'd wait until after your rites.

"Why would I go there?" you nervously ask, torn between wanting to know the answer and fearing it.

Mo’at looks back at you, her lips pursed as if processing your question as if it's foreign to her, “There is a need for a healer," she replies matter-of-factly.

Excuse you, what?

"I'm not a healer!" you hastily respond, pulling your shirt over your head and rising to your full height, "How could I even be of assistance?"

Mo’at clicks her tongue in disapproval, "You will help, mend what the sky people have done," she asserts, her voice taking on a heavy, cutting tone that contrasts with her eyes, which hold sadness and softness.

Your bottom lip quivers, a whirlwind of emotions threatening to overpower you—anger, sadness, hurt, all of them negative. Once again, you find yourself being compared to the sky people, just as you feared.

What did you expect, really?

What were your true expectations?

You couldn't find a reason for having to do this, and you doubt Mo’at would explain it even if you asked. You can only hope that you'll understand it by the end of your rites, so you can stop feeling this way because of the person you hold in such high regard.

The only response you can muster is a firm nod, and then you pivot on your heel, rushing out of the hut before she can witness the tears that are on the verge of spilling from your eyes.

This wasn't like you. You had never been this soft, not even when you struggled to survive before now. It wasn't until... until that incident with Sully hut that you started to wear your heart on your sleeve, rather than keeping it guarded.

It was since then that you had felt more vulnerable than ever before.

Blinded by your emotions, you failed to pay attention to your surroundings, and it was too late when you collided with a sturdy wall—no, a sturdy person.

You wipe your eyes as you take a step back, staring up at the individual you bumped into, feeling disappointed and even more upset when you realize it's the last person you would want to see right now.

Why is he here standing outside the healing hut?

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drivingsideways · 3 years

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Misaeng review

Ok, it's been almost a week, so I feel like I can get my thoughts (somewhat) in order. As usual, I'm late to the party, given that Misaeng aired 6 years ago, and is already considered a kdrama classic. Still: thoughts!

(under the cut)

I came to this drama with quite a lot of expectations, both because I'd seen it on a lot of rec lists, and also because I'd watched director Kim Won-seok's Signal and My Mister, which are justifiably as beloved as Misaeng. I'm happy to report that Misaeng mostly lived up to those expectations!

The writing & direction work together to make Misaeng a very immersive experience, which is good, considering the entire run time is over 20 hrs. The level of seemingly mundane detail of the operational aspects of running a trading firm that they delve into (and other dramas might have avoided for sake of pacing) seemed odd to me at first, but eventually result in a world building that's incredibly well fleshed out. The (formerly unlikely!) high stakes of a misplaced piece of paper or octopuses in a shipment of squid end up being parts of an emotionally wrenching narrative whole fairly seamlessly. Still, at 20+ hours, Misaeng also does get into the kind of pacing issues that most of the slice of life kdramas I've watched so far have. And it didn't need to! I think it had a wonderful ensemble of characters, and if they'd maybe given a little more time and space to characters other than Jang Geu-Rae (Im Si wan) and Oh Sang-sik (Lee Sung-min), the mid portions may not have felt quite so, well, stuck.

But more than the strong writing and direction, it was really the actors who delivered. They made what could have easily been a dull-ish office drama into a heart warming story about human connection and the joys and troubles of leading an "incomplete life". I'd never watched Lee Sung-min in anything before, and about half way through the series I was like, HOW IS HE MAKING A SHORT TEMPERED, ALCHOHOLIC MIDDLE MANAGER SO SEXY? Like, serious props, dude. Lee Sung-min is by turns annoying and brash and too shout-y and stubborn and funny and so incredibly vulnerable as a man trying his best to live by his principles in a world that thinks they are an impediment to "success", that you forget that he's playing a fictional character-- he's someone you know, he's someone you've seen in the mirror.

His performance as Oh Sang-sik is very ably matched by Im Si Wan's Jang Geu-Rae. This series would not have worked if these two actors didn't have the chemistry they do, and play off each other in every scene. I had watched Im Si Wan recently- in JTBC's "Run On", in which I liked his performance quite a lot, but I absolutely loved him as the naive and endearing Jang Geu-rae. Misaeng, is in part, a bildungsroman narrative centered around Jang Geu Rae. Im Si wan brought a kind of vulnerability to the role that might have felt cloying and emotionally manipulative in the hands of other actors, but Im Si-wan manages to do it with a light touch. I feel he's one of those actors that uses his whole body in a scene, not just relying on facial or verbal expression, and it's a joy to watch.

Each of the other actors in the ensemble also bring that dedication and talent to their roles, even if it's in a single scene. There are lots of one-off characters that we meet during the course of the series, and every single one of them leaves an impact.

But! I'm going to pick a fave from the supporting cast and that's Byun Yo-han, whom I'd last watched as the broody, troubled (and very sexy) swordsman Lee Bang-ji in Six Flying Dragons. I can't imagine a character more in opposition to that one than Han Seok-yul in Misaeng, but Byun Yo-han just knocks it out of the park as the scheming, cheerful and mostly inappropriate clown with a heart of gold; Han Seok-yul is the definition of Chaotic Good, and you're equal parts horrified by his antics- which include sexual harassment dont @ me -- and yet charmed by him. I wish they'd given him a few more scenes and a larger plotline to work with, but I also suspect that he might have just walked away with the entire series if they did that. (Am I plotting that series in my head as I write this? MAYBE.)

Alright, this is getting a bit too long, so I'm going to get to the bits that disappointed me. That's really one major thing: the gender politics. I don't know how different the show is from the web toon it's based on, so I can't tell whether they made significant changes to the basic plot and characters. As in- I have no idea if the webtoon was as male dominated in every way as the show is, so I'm not sure how much of the show's treatment of women as a class, and its female characters in particular, I should lay at the door of the original writer vs the screenwriter and director. I'm also lacking the Korean context in which this was written and made and aired, so you may take my criticism with a pinch of salt, if you please!

That the show features mainly male characters is perhaps unsurprising and realistic, since we know that the kind of corporate life it depicts is very male dominated, top to bottom. The show also portrays the very real and horrific overt and subtle misogyny that women face in the workplace and out of it; mainly in the character of Ahn Young-yi, played with steely determination and quiet suffering by the lovely Kang so-ra. There are only 3 other female characters that have any sort of real speaking role- Sun Ji Young (played by Shin Eun jung), a senior manager at the company, Jang Geu-rae's unnamed(!) mother (played by the amazing Sung Byoung-Sook) and Oh Sang-sik's unnamed (!) wife (played by Oh Yoon-Hong, who's a delight in every tiny scene she has). There are other women who appear but in very minor roles, and often in "comedy" moments that often rely on sexist tropes to start with.

Anyway, right there you can see one of the problems- 4 women characters that have any kind of real screen time, and only 2 of them are named. Aigoo! Screenwriter Jung Yoon-jung is a woman, and like, I don't like putting the burden on any one woman to y'know fix structural misogyny, but I can't also help feeling disappointed that she overlooked even this "small" thing among the larger things.

But that apart, the main issue for me was that while the show doesn't shy away from depicting egregious sexism in the form of sexual harrassment, verbal and physical and certainly emotional abuse, in a manner that's clear that we are meant to be horrified by it--it falls short of depicting how women deal and work with it. It just doesn't give enough space to women or their worldview.

It's very comfortable depicting victimhood, but doesn't put work into depicting the ways in which women survive by finding solidarity with other women. We have a scene or two where Ahn Young-yi who is this show's poster child for female victimhood interacts with the older women who offer sympathy and understanding, but no real strategy or support. And yes, we see men also being targeted by their seniors for the grossest verbal and physical abuse; and it's men who help Ahn Young-yi strategise on how to deal with her situation. Real life experience tells me that it's the women who do this work for other women. I have certainly been on both sides of this equation, for one, and so has every woman that I know in corporate life. And yes, one of the show's core philosophies is that those who endure, survive--but it is none the less extremely painful to watch Ahn Young yi "endure" the kind of abuse she does as a coping strategy and a survival strategy.

At the end of it, when she slowly manages to gain the support of her sexist team, it's shown as a victory-- though naturally imperfect, because this show takes its Realism very seriously (right until the end where it makes a tonal shift into quirky that I was a little ?? about)-- and y'know, sure, it is a victory. And I absolutely understand the choices she makes and why she does it-- I guess I just got annoyed by the fact that other antagonistic figures in the narrative get a more straightforward comeuppance for their egregious behavior, but Ahn Young-yi doesn't even get a goddamned apology from her abusers. Instead, we have a half humourous, half serious moment where she comments on how she's working at turning herself into "someone cute"- because she understands now that sometimes the right strategy is to "go with the flow". Be the water that slowly wears away at the rock. It's an interesting moment- the men she tells this to are taken aback by her bluntness, but also a little clueless about what she means. It's the kind of nuance that I would and do enjoy. Unfortunately, it also closely follows one of the show's most annoying scenes at the tail end of the series- where it tries to play off workplace sexism and misogyny as comedy- boys being boys-Reader, when I tell you that I had to WORK to unclench my jaw--!

I'm not saying we should have a single and obvious narrative of female emancipation. I'm not against realism in fiction, but god, sometimes, please do remember that when we look for escapism, we are actually imagining a better world. The first step toward liberation is allowing yourself to imagine it.

And the show does allow other characters its moments of unfettered fantasy- Im Si Wan parkour-ing all over the rooftops of Amman- and having a semi mystical + Indiana Jones moment in the deserts of Jordan--so why, I ask, are the women not given that gift?

*looks into the camera *

Tl;dr: I enjoyed it, it made me cry every episode, and I cared about all the characters, and if you haven't watched it yet, treat yourselves.

PS. Yes, Han Seok-yul is a disaster bi, sorry, I don't make the rules. Yes, hotties Oh Min Seok and Kang Ha-neul are canonically naked in a hot tub six feet apart because they are bros. Yes, I will be writing the fix it in which they fuck like angry bunnies. Yes, I am going to put my shipper cooties all over this gen slice of life show, deal with it.

#misaeng #kdrama #thinky thoughts

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maddiefriendlovesbilly · 4 years

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Spencer x Ghost?

Spencer x Ghost

(AAAAA- it has been months since you sent this to me, and all i can say is im so sorry) Side note I have my friend @lethalbreadkills helping me with this one!

For reference: Maddie (maddiefriendlovesbilly) is green, Jimmy (lethalbreadkills) is red (((its 4:30 at the time i have joined this so im dead braincell wise sorry yall))) and Orange is stuff we decided together :3

Also this is so very chaotic im so sorry for this anon but this has been in my fuckin drafts for SO LONG and this is the only way its getting finished (its now 5 am uwu) im so sorry for all the shitposting i do its a mess. I shouldnt have been allowed here. (we finished at about 5:30 am its hell <3)

Sphost? Ghencer?? Sphoster??? I adore and despise them all equally.

We have decided that it should be BeanieGhost

Anyway I think this ship is really cute

They’re both so neurotic I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue

One of them starts a rant on some topic and the other joins the hell in

I’m an advocate of LETTING SPENCER INFO DUMP BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT OKAY

And Ghost would let this dream come true???

I would die for both of them and if Spencer told me I had to die I wouldn’t even complain, no questions I’d just be like “Aight.” I trust him that much.

(Not sure I trust Ghost’s judgment enough to do that unquestioningly; sorry Ghost)

Back on topic

I can’t imagine these guys on anything that comes close to society’s definition of a date

It’d be more like “hey you wanna come on this hunt with us?” “maybe, depends if there’ll be snacks” or like chilling in Spence’s room binging the entire star trek: original series in one sitting or “oops sorry about that level 11 entity that attached to my soul and is now wreaking havoc in your house, wanna make out later to make up for it?” “Fine but you also have to play three rounds of Call of Duty with me afterward”

They wouldn’t be romantic often but like highkey? I can see them throwing themselves into the line of fire for each other with a recklessness only they could survive

We can’t forget that Spencer is a more than 60,000-year-old overpowered demon/god/entity/thing, which, yes, could throw a slight wrench in this ship for multiple reasons, but I choose to make angst out of it instead.

Side note: Ghost is a chronic conspiracy theorist (and you can’t tell me otherwise) and every once in awhile Spencer will offhandedly say something like “Y’know I helped the Egyptians build the pyramids” and Ghost just goes fucking feral.

Look, I’m not saying Spencer IS touch-starved and most likely has issues creating and developing relationships and therefore avoids interpersonal connection, especially offline, but I AM saying he is prime material for it. (thats a lie thats exactly what shes saying don’t believe it) (I’m projecting okay dont judge me) (loser imagine projecting)

Imagine with me for a second: Why does Spencer willingly stay with a family who locks him in their basement with only minor complaining? He’s a near all-powerful entity just released into the world for Spence’s-sake - If he wanted to, there’s no telling what havoc he could wreak! So why doesn’t he? Why would someone so powerful, so terrifying, so dangerous that a group of people decided to seal him away forever stay with the first family he finds in sub-par conditions for years - especially someone who’s seen to be as high-maintenance as Spencer? Let me hit you with a theory: He’s chasing the feelings of validation, safety, and love - no matter how rarely it’s shown - that a family can provide. Being socially isolated for even a few years can do a number to a person’s psyche (I should know, I’m projecting onto this character right now), let alone thousands.

Now maybe Ghost can’t match thousands of years in isolation, but damn if he doesn’t have a few years of crippling loneliness on his record too.

I can see the two of them learning how to be vulnerable around others together, emotionally and physically; learning how to open up and how to talk through issues; and some third point, because points are better in threes.

(May I suggest that these losers are both trans but thats just me adding in my own projection lmao)

(You absolutely may)

Imagine the conversation thats just “so i have a murderer in my head thats an ass” “rip to u ig sounds like a you problem :///”

imo spence has trouble expressing emotions other than like,,, annoyance and haughtiness, its like sort of his go-to defence, so showing Ghost his emotions is a big step for him

I hear you, and i say yes good. (found this one headcanon that i kinda live by where he was uh, either autistic or adhd i dont remember but theres that too) OH yeah that would be at thing huh. Spencer: *is emotionally vulnerable @ ghost* ghost: oh shit im trusted??? Oh fuck uh.

Yeah so like…. Ghost and spence showing emotion at eachother is kind of :flushed: ghost be like: whats an emotion. Imagine having emotions fuciiing loser hhaha,,,, *laughs nervously*

Ghost is also very emotionally distant with most people so it would probably be like “what??? The fuck?? Emotions?????? You have those???”

Ghost and Spencer be like *gay*

So another idea is that maybe Spencer realizes Ghost doesnt play any games [like the uncultured SWINE he is] and decides he must [remedy] this and so he introduces him to like, nintendo first. (some bitches thought that said nintendo fortnite. Im bitches) and theyre playing like, mario kart or smash or smth and Ghost gets really [fuckin into it]

Ghost and spencer: *literally in eachothers laps playing fucking wii tennis*

Spooker: what are the- *TOAST FUCKING SLAPS A HAND ACROSS HIS MOUTH* shut up you dont wanna know what happens when its mentsonssbfdjfsd (sorry i had a stroke uwuwuwuw)

(Theyre in denial we don’t judge in this house)

They will not hesitate to play dirty either, they will straight up push each other over and vaguely flirt

Ghost is losing and straight up fucking goes “ur hot” and spencer actually dies and boom ghost is the winner. sparkle emoji Magic sparkle emoji

“I am Not a HomoSexual:™:” “Yeah, sure you aren’t” “Screw off”

Pet-names-ish: Asshole, Gaymer-Boy, casual insults, Mr. Spirit Bitch, Mistake, Loves Ghosts More Than His Boyfriend What A Fucking Loser aka Gay-ass

Pros:

They both open up a lot most likely. Gain someone to trust since they’ve sort of been through the same things (though on much different scales)

I can see soft hours of hanging in each other’s bedrooms

Spencer is a tsundere you cant tell me otherwise youre just a coward if you disagree

So is Ghost so this can only go well

Every time Ghost has to solve a case at the Acachallas Spence is just peaking out from his basement like “the fuck is this?? Hot Man??????”

Enemies to lovers 500k (Gets Hot and Steamy :flushed: NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!11!!!!! 18+!!!!!!! GAY LOVE StORY!!!!!!) Lemonz!!! Made from teh Sexiest of Wattpaders UWUWUWU YAOI Boys Love don’t like don’t read!! (this is so fucking stupid jkfnd) I hate this with a passion Q^Q. All my years of being a basic watpad fanboy have helped me to the moment i bring maddie to tears

The steam is just like,,,,, holding hands and being angy all the fuckin time the steam is literal because their anger translates into actual steam

Cons:

Their angst has nowhere to go and it just sits between them like two raccoons at a dumpster-style mexican standoff

They really start off hating each other huh. Like, I know this can still lead to healthy relationships but neither of them are very good at healthy relationships with people he hasn’t known for his Whole Life so that’s an Oh No.

They totally feed off of each other’s stupidity (but this could be seen as a pro too so take that as you will) as well as anger - im talking one-upping each other kinda shit

Its ridiculous honestly how intense it gets, like they straight up need intervention sometimes because they dont realize they can just STOP

Conclusions:

I think this would be a relationship that would that a lot of time and hard work to make work, but i think in the end it would be really super cute!! Like it would make no fuckin sense to anyone else but somehow they’d understand each other and help each other through their similar issues. Also theyre both big nerds in different ways and i think they’d have just ranting sessions back and forth over and over and it would be soft!!!!! So yeah, i think it would work, at least, i want it to :D

So. Maybe?? I feel like it could, but they’d need to work pretty hard to make it healthy and not constant fighting. Could be stupid amounts of cute and wholesome but also could be stupid amounts of oh no and pain, depending on how the two act. If they learned how to get along with each other and work past their differences it could be super cute and soft. Just a very, er, bumpy beginning. And middle. And end. (this makes me very nervous,,,,why did you mention an end) (wouldnt you like to know weather boy) (TvT) UFDUNS bumpy but soft . Agreeing with the loser gay, want this to work it’d be interesting :3

#spencer x ghost #jess writes #ishhhhh???????#venturiantale #venturiantale pie #johnny ghost #spencer acachalla #johnny toast #jimmy casket #fred spooker #let me know if you enjoyed this or not it was intense #sr #ship review #ship reviews #vt ships #vt ship reviews #vt ship review #vt sr

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