#i have to work on writing her obituary. god. fuck. this sucks

[sad0nion]

my grandma passed away a week ago, and it's really really messed me up, but if there is any silver lining to be found in this, it's getting to learn more about her from other people.

she was an amazing woman, more than i even knew, so here is a list of some really cool things she did, some i already knew about, and some that i have just learned about this week:

mom to 4 kids, mostly parented on her own

gave birth to her 4th kid completely alone. she was in a hospital, but it seemed like she had a while before she went into labor, so she was just. left alone. next time a nurse came in, she had fully given birth

was trained as an EMT first responder

went to college in the 50s, and worked summers as an interior designer at the most high scale store in her city

worked at multiple small dress shops, and was so good at it that the owners would often just leave her in charge and go on vacation

worked a few winters as an avalanche look out(??) at a nearby ski resort

won a pure breed dog in a radio raffle contest that was sponsored by the local electricity company??? then named the dog after said company

was apparently an amazing artist. neither my mom or i knew this, because she would never show anyone her art.

was an amazing knitter and crocheter

was left handed, but learned how to crochet right handed because my mom wanted to learn and she's right handed

could write mirrored cursive, wrote my mom a whole letter that way once. you have to hold it up to a mirror to read it

was the only person who could consistently beat me in board games, especially the game Sorry

loved loved loved nature. was constantly reading national geographic and anything she could get in the mail about scientific nature news

loved reading. would tear through books, sometimes like 4 or 5 a week

i'm sure there's more i'm forgetting. she was very very special to me. this is the first time i've lost someone close to me, and it's a very hard experience... it's weird. just getting used to the idea that she's not a phone call away, that i can't go see her. she was my only grandparent, but goddamn she was a good one. her loss will be something i'll feel for the rest of my life, i think.

[iloveyouthree-thousand]

and we might not be able to save everyone (but I’ll be damned if I can’t save you)

I wrote this a while back, but I never posted it on here, so I cleaned it up a little and decided to put it up because, god help me, I can’t think of anything new to write.

Warning: this fic contains mentions of suicide. Please stay safe.

/ / / 

"Kid, I'm going to need you to listen to me—just this once—and I promise I'll let you go to bed at whatever time you want for the rest of your long, long life," Tony starts, his attempt at being calm becoming less and less convincing with every passing second, "but I need you to step away from that ledge."

"I just wanted to help, Mr. Stark. I just—I didn't want anybody to get hurt," Peter stammers, a dark blue jacket and jeans fluttering in the wind while his face—his horribly pallid face—was left exposed to the night air.

The kid's innocence had worn off steadily throughout the past few years. Oh, he still had a heart of gold and manners fit for the Queen of England herself, and you would be hard-pressed to find someone who still didn't see eighteen-year-old Peter Parker as the living embodiment of an actual fucking ray of sunshine. This kid, despite losing nearly everything he ever loved, never ceased to be the count-your-blessings-glass-half-full kind of person. It was remarkable.

Behind that happy-go-lucky exterior, though, Tony knew he hid a world of hurt.

He knew that several times a month Peter retreated to a soundproof room in the basement of the Compound and buried himself in a pillow, only to return hours later with blood in his ears and looking like he had seen a ghost. He knew that sometimes Peter went home and held his eyes shut until the sounds of Ben's cries were drowned out by sleep. He knew that, tucked into the back of his closet, was the small black suit and the shoes he had worn to his parents' funeral, still caked with the same dirt that he watched the groundskeepers cover his parents' graves with, long after everyone else had left.

Tony also knew a thing or two about emotional baggage—about carrying around the loss of people you love well after everyone else has moved on. He also knew that Peter would grin and bear it for as long as he lived, hiding behind the Spider-Man mask by night and behind his own bubbly façade during the day.

Peter took the worst things that life could throw at him and turned them into strength and resilience and unrestrained compassion, and it was precisely those character traits that had Spider-Man parading around a children's hospital that morning. 

The visit was part of a charity event to raise money for and put smiles on the faces of terminally ill children, and Peter had been looking forward to the visit for weeks with an excitement that was palpable. Tony had gone as himself, leaving the Iron Man suit at home while still giving the kid some much-needed moral support. He stood in the background, not bothering to hide his pride as Peter displayed his webbing abilities for the children, a grin no doubt spread across his face under the mask.

And then everything had gone wrong.

A maniac had heard about the hospital visit. An explosion destroyed an entire wing of a hospital. Sixteen people were dead in a little less than a second, before Peter or Tony could even blink. Eleven of them were children. There was nothing Spider-Man could do but watch in horror.

The Daily Bugle headline for the evening had read 'Spider-Man: Don't our children deserve better?'

Tony would’ve purchased every single copy, would’ve strung the ratty journalist up by his toes if it meant that Peter would never see the stupid headline, but the damage was done. 

And now his kid was standing on a roof, ready to jump into the wind like he’d done so many times before, but there were no webs to catch him this time.

"Peter, it's not your fault. Those people—those kids, there was nothing we could do."

Tony was in his suit, poised to catch the boy if the unthinkable were to happen. They were sixteen stories up, one for each of the victims that Peter hadn't been able to save. Rhodey was also suited up, on call to swoop in just in case. No one was going to be scraping Peter Parker off of the sidewalk tonight.

Peter's hands were trembling at his sides, no, his whole body was trembling. His eyes were wide-open, locked onto the streets below, and he was crying so hard he was hiccuping, snot dripping down his nose and tears pooling in his eyes. He looked like a shadow out there—a broken, fleeting wisp of the boy Tony knew and loved.

Peter lacked the physical energy to fight anymore. At some point, even Atlas buckles under the weight of the world. Everyone has their breaking point. And while Tony was certain Peter's name wouldn't be written in the obituaries tomorrow—he wouldn't let that happen—he was terrified that something inside of Peter had finally given in. It didn't matter if Tony or Rhodes snatched him out of the air or not, if Peter jumped, a part of him had already died.

"Pete, look at me, please." His impossibly wide eyes were still vacant and frozen, but they managed to train on Tony.

"I've been here, at the end of my rope, when it was too much. I know what it feels like, that helplessness, that absence of control. Because you're a superhero, right," he chokes, "a card-carrying member of the 'earth's mightiest heroes' club, but they don't tell you when you sign up how much it absolutely sucks.”

And it does, it sucks and it’s not fair, because for every person you save there are dozen more that you lose, innocent people that die without a hero to fight for them. 

“They don't sit you down and explain that sometimes the bad guys win, and that most of the time, even when they don't, the good guys lose. We lose and we lose and we lose over and over again."

"Death doesn't discriminate, Pete," the tears are streaming down his face now, "it takes and takes and takes and you know what the worst part is? We get knocked on our ass again and again, but we have to keep fighting. We have to keep living and carrying the weight of the ones that aren’t so lucky and it’s hard. I know that sometimes it feels easier to just break the cycle, to just jump and let it all be over with. Trust me, I know. But heroes--they have to get back up, even when it feels like there’s nothing left to fight for, even if it sucks and even if it’s not fair, because that’s what heroes do.” 

Peter's eyes shift nervously to the bustling street hundreds of feet below him.

"Yea, yea," he whispers, "with great power comes great responsibility."

"Yea, kid,” Tony says softly, his words carrying in the wind, “and I wish more than anything that you didn't have to bear that responsibility, that you could just be a normal kid worrying about normal things. But I know that some higher being out there gave you these powers knowing that you could handle them—that you could use them to change the world. And as much as I want to kick that someone's ass for robbing you of your childhood and making this your life," he gestures to the trembling child, "we need you Peter."

"You've never had a selfish bone in that entire body of yours, it's infuriating, really," he chuckles drily, "and I know you didn't suddenly grow one tonight. Peter, think about May. You’re her whole world. And Ned, and MJ; Peter those kids need you. Queens needs its favorite superhero. And I--I have always been selfish, so I’m not afraid to admit that I need you too," his voice is so thin now, but he desperately tries to keep his cool composure as Peter turns back to stare out into the night sky, tears precariously close to falling, his chest heaving in a way that makes Tony's heart skip a beat.

"We can't always save everyone, but I'll be damned if I can’t save you. We can work through this together, in time, but first I need you come here. Please, Pete,” he says, and his voice is breaking, he’s breaking, “please, just come here."

It takes him a minute of staring at Tony and then the ground below, but he takes a step back and then two and three and in less than a moment he's in Tony's arms, tears leaving hot trails down his face. Tony stumbles out of the suit, taking the kid to ground with him, clutching him like he might disappear at any second.

"This world doesn't deserve you kid. I don't deserve you."

"Mr. Stark, I-I'm s-s-sorry," he sobs, gripping the man's shoulders and bleeding tears into the fabric of his expensive suit.

"Nope, no apologies, not tonight kid." 

Tony thinks back to one gruesome night, back when he was still a kid—just around Peter's age. Howard Stark had come in and seen the pills strewn everywhere, his son lying in a daze, eyes glossed over, clinging to life. He remembered the screaming, Tony, Tony! How could you do this—how—how could you do this to us? And then it was a mess of hospital lights and a tube down his throat and he had pulled through, but Howard barely even looked at him for the next couple of weeks, and it just made him curse those damn pills for not taking him soon enough. He knew his father cared, that he was probably more scared that night than he'd ever admit, but that feeling of utter loneliness in the darkest moment of his life is something that Tony never wants Peter to feel.

So he just holds Peter, reaching a hand up to brush his hair back before resting his chin on the top of his head. His fingers toy with the navy material of Peter's sweater, needing to just feel him, as he repeats, whispering into his hair, "not tonight kid."

[isrustandstardust]

Are you young at heart, or an old soul?

A very old soul.

What makes someone a best friend?

Complicity.

What Christmas present do you remember the most?

A huge crocodile plush.

Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life.

Slaughterhouse n.5 - Kurt Vonnegut. I have it tattooed on me.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike.

I like my hands, skinny and long and my lips, are full and well shaped.

I don’t like my stomach because of my fucking protruding ribs.

Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with?

I’d love to have a reunion with my uni classmates.

What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection?

Both.

Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title.

I don’t judge a movie by the title but I know for a fact that every Baz Luhrmann’s movie will suck.

What holiday do you most look forward to?

Christmas!

How is the relationship between you and your parents?

I don’t speak with my mother since the summer of 2018. I see my dad every two/three months.

You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on?

Top crime.

Name a song that never fails to make you happy.

Do you realize - The Flaming Lips.

You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him.

He was a childish fuck. Tried to hookup with me right in front of his gf.

If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be?

Iceland.

Can money buy happiness?

It cannot make it worse.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not?

I almost don’t drink anymore because I don’t feel like it, I smoke because Ilike it, I don’t do drugs because it’s stupid.

Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names.

Sure is.

Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid?

My bedroom. XD

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital?

More than I’d like to remember.

Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people?

I hate large groups of people. Too tiring.

Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to?

No, not at all.

Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else?

I’ve been bullied, a lot. Never bullied anyone tho.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Idk, I’m not that into food. Red meat maybe?

If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship?

Hell no. Sexual intimacy is important in a relationship.

Do you believe in a god?

Lol no, I’m not stupid.

Of all the social networks in the world, why use Tumblr?

I’m a nostalgic person, what can I say.

What’s your favorite Tumblr tag to track?

Goth aesthetic.

Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?”

No, we were utterly broke XD

Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended.

All of them, I watch them after all the hype is gone.

Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial?

Nope.

If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you?

No way.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say?

Run like hell.

What’s your “quirkiest” habit?

I only have quirk habits.

What is “normal?” Are you normal?

Normal is boring, I’m not normal luckily, never been.

Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer?

In a skip second. Sorry guys.

What is one thing you could never forgive?

Lies.

Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single?

Real relationships start after the honeymoon period.

Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends?

Of course.

Where do you and your friends go to hang out?

Each others homes, rock clubs.

Write the first paragraph of your obituary.

See you down there bitches.

What is the best TV theme song ever?

Hannibal’s.

When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up?

A pathologist. I was morbid even as a child.

When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked?

No, I have way too many windows.

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

My projects, my husband.

Do you want to have more friends than you have right now?

No, I’m actually ok.

What part of the past year sticks out in your mind?

The ‘one illustration a day’ I did during the lockdown.

You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job?

Yes, I love to make art. Illustrations, videos, photos and music alike.

Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work?

I’m not into LDR, I like to have my man with me and share the daily things.

What’s the best route to your heart?

My mind and my fantasy, it’s a twisted route.

Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life?

Yup, and dated them for 4 years.

What is your favorite sport?

Cycling.

What has been troubling you lately?

My body not reacting well the few times that I feed him.

What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning?

Intuition first, logic after. Usually my intuitions are right.

Do you know what makes you happy?

A few, precise things. Art, love, freedom.

Tell me about the last book you read.

I read a criminology book. So fascinating!

What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given?

‘Nothing last in your hands’.

Who was your first crush?

A kid from my class back in kindergarten I think.

Do you believe that there is life on other planets?

Yes, I’d love to find Turians somewhere!

Predict what your life will look like a year from now.

Home renovated, my main and secret project on the run, a Rottweiler, a Sphynx and a bike!

Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began.

We just looked at each other and BAM. Thunderbolt.

Where is your favorite place to go out and eat?

The sushi place we own.

What is something you want to change about your current situation?

We are waiting for a decent sum of money to arrive.

Early bird or night owl?

Night snake :3

Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to?

No, not a single one.

Give me an unpopular opinion you have.

Harry Potter is overrated and actually poorly written.

What was the last song that was stuck in your head?

A song from an old Baraofetida’s album a friend made me listen.

Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want.

Somewhere between Pisa and Lucca, Tuscany.

Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation?

No, you raise a lot of unique special goddamn snowflakes that way. Yuck.

What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken?

9 hrs straight.

Have you ever taken part in a protest?

No, not that I recall.

Would you ever use an online dating service?

Nope, lame!

What is your ethnic heritage?

I’m an Italian girl who doesn’t looks Italian at all.

Describe a person that inspires you.

An amazing woman, photographer, videomaker and musician.

Love her work.

If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you?

Sure.

Do you believe in luck?

Kinda, I believe in karma more.

Describe the last time you were very angry at someone.

It’s been a while, maybe it was last year when I was really mad at a colleague of mine.

Do you want to live until you’re 100?

Oh god, no.

Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change?

Will power and hard work.

Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them?

I’ve never liked a friend.

Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends?

I’d rather be alone. In general XD

Do you practice what you preach?

I do my best.

What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence?

Intelligence, I have no use for a pretty empty box.

Are you hard-headed?

A lot.

Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate?

A couple of times, yeah.

When have you felt most alive?

When I almost died.

Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains?

By the lake.

Do you often skip breakfast?

I always skip breakfast.

How do you know what true love is?

You just know, it strucks you and leaves you almost dead.

Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die?

Yes, I don’t like surprises.

Where is “home” for you?

Nowhere, I don’t know what home feels like.

Do you want to be perfect?

I’d love to.

What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back?

Doing underwater photography and money, of course.

How do you express your creativity?

I draw, I carve wood and bones, I decorate hats, do sculptures, I create and edit videos and do music.

Describe your neighborhood.

A little Tuscan town.

Name something you only liked because it was popular.

Never liked popular things.

Give me the story of your life in six words.

Then she knew she fucked up.

[brokenbones-singsongs]

Answer all the asks you posted

Uh okay

Are you young at heart, or an old soul? I’m old

What makes someone a best friend? Loyal, honest, trustworthy, there when you need them, invested.

What Christmas (or Hanukkah) present do you remember the most? My pawpaw gave my my granny’s peanuts music box the year she passed away. It’s one of my greatest treasures.

Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life. Finding Neverland. It’s had more of an impact on me that anything ever has. First Broadway show, favorite musical, saw it on the trip that gave me by best friend, met another of my dearest friends because of it...the story pulls at my heart strings in ways I can’t put into words. I adore it.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. I love my hair, fucking hate my nose.

Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? No. They’re gone for a reason.

What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? Emotional connection is the most important to me, but both should play a factor. Why be with someone you’re not physically attracted to? Physical intimacy can be so important...

Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title. Sharknado

What holiday do you most look forward to? Christmas.

How is the relationship between you and your parents? Better than it ever has been.

You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? Whatever whoever is watching it has it turned to. I don’t generally watch TV.

Name a song that never fails to make you happy. Carbon Ribs by John Mark McMillan

You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. Well there’s my exes older brother who’s certifiably psychotic, and there’s my pastor who officiated my wedding and not a soul on this earth doesn’t think he’s fantastic. Pick one.

Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to? No, nope, and nah. Don’t we have twitter for missed connections?

If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? Oh shit, NYC most likely just for Broadway tbh, but god do I love Seattle.

Can money buy happiness? It can buy things that bring you happiness. Like dogs.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not? I drink on occasion, the most drugs I’ve done is taking some Xanax to knock myself out, smoking isn’t my thing but I don’t mind hookah once in a blue moon with feiends.

Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names. Not anymore.

Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid? Michaels craft store 😂

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? When I was very small, yes. I had pneumonia.

Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people? It depends, but I usually do better with smaller groups.

Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to? I like both of theirs. My dad likes some of mine, my mom likes it all.

Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else? I have been and I’m ashamed to admit I did once upon a time. I’m not proud of it.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? “Everything tastes like mashed potatoes...”

If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? We tried 😂

Do you believe in a god? I do.

Of all the social networks in the world, why use Tumblr? It’s my one place to be whomever I want without judgment from the rest of my social circle, other than twitter but even so...

What’s your favorite Tumblr tag to track? I don’t really have one. I get stuck on things occasionally. Like I followed Anastasia BWY for a long time.

Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” Uh, maybe my dad.

Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended. I didn’t watch the office until it ended, nor friends, or gilmore girls, and I love them all.

Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? Yes 😂

If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? Depends on where I live

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? I’d tell myself to open that fucking door. But as much as I wish I had, so much of my life was altered by that one single moment that I’m not sure who I’d be, if even alive, had I of opened it.

What’s your “quirkiest” habit? I don’t know? I do a lot of weird shit.

What is “normal?” Are you normal? We’re all mad here.

Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? If someone is dying, it’s their time to go and not my place to mess with fate. Also it may hurt me to lose one person, but I’d hurt countless others by choosing to end ten innocent lives out of my own selfishness.

What is one thing you could never forgive? As I’ve learned in recent years, I’m not sure there is anything I’m not capable of forgiving. In fact, I find it quite freeing.

Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? You know, some days I think single me had it figured out, but I don’t miss that crippling feeling of loneliness that plagued me once in a while. Marriage is hard, but I’d rather it be hard than have nothing at all.

Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends? I want to believe so, but it’s proven difficult. At arms length it’s usually fine.

Where do you and your friends go to hang out? Mostly coffee shops and each other’s houses.

Write the first paragraph of your obituary. I genuinely don’t know where to begin. Maybe another day.

What is the best TV theme song ever? For some reason the first one that popped into my head was the Special Victims Unit theme.

When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up? A veterinarian or Photographer. I’m neither. 😂

When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? I don’t actually like being naked.

What gets you out of bed in the morning? Not much. Work usually does the trick, or timed plans. I’m also food motivated, but only if I don’t have to cook it. Also, peeing will do the trick, but I’ll probably just get back in bed after.

Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? A couple would be nice. It’s weird realizing as you get older that you only have a few close people and rest kinda fall away.

What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? Losing my best friend was probably the worst thing. Getting married was the best.

You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? I don’t know if I’d keep a full time, big girl job. But I may go back to making coffee a couple days a week for shits and giggles. I love the craft.

Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work? I think I could. I’m not super dependent on being up my husbands ass. If we have shit to do, and work to be done and it pulls one away for a bit, so be it. You do what you have to to be better. I still love him even far away.

What’s the best route to your heart? Let me tell my stories and be excited about the small things.

Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life? I love this question because 90% of my life and my friends, my husband, and my acquaintances are all because of the internet and an app.

What is your favorite sport? Soccer is a hell of a lot of fun for me.

What has been troubling you lately? I need a jooooob and I miss NYC.

Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you haven’t gotten there yet, do you look forward to it? If you didn’t go, why not? I enjoyed both. My junior prom was more fun, my senior prom was sweeter.

What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? Intuition.

Do you know what makes you happy? Many things. Mostly dogs and traveling.

Tell me about the last book you read. It is one of my favorite stories from when I was little. It’s called A Little Princess and is by Mary Hogdson Burnette. She also wrote The Secret Garden. It makes me a little weepy.

What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? My baby brother saw me all dressed up sometime when I was 16 and told me I was “very darling today, sissy.” He was six. I cried.

Who was your first crush? His name was Blake.

Do you believe that there is life on other planets? Yes.

Predict what your life will look like a year from now. I can’t. I’m never right.

Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began. We grabbed lunch, went back to his house and played ping pong and watched a Harry Potter movie, then tried to make cookies but he didn’t have all the ingredients so then he took me to his friends house to finish them. We kept doing stuff all week and eventually just decided we were together. Silly string fights, hanging out in hammocks, trips to the zoo...

Where is your favorite place to go out and eat? I really love Maggiano’s.

What is something you want to change about your current situation? I need a job.

Early bird or night owl? Night owl.

Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? Several. Three important ones: my great grandmothers piano music box. My stuffed collie dog named Cassie (had her for the past 22 years) and a quilt my great grandmother started for me before she passed that my Mawmaw finished. I got it for Christmas in 2nd grade.

Give me an unpopular opinion you have. Pickles are fucking gross on and in everything. They just suck. Worst food ever.

What was the last song that was stuck in your head? I’m currently singing Thunderclouds by Sia “you’re saying those words like you hate me now...”

Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want. Charlotte, North Carolina.

Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? No.

What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? 14 day road trip to California and back.

Have you ever taken part in a protest? Not yet.

Would you ever use an online dating service? I have.

What is your ethnic heritage? I’m white af. German, Dutch, Irish, and French.

Describe a person that inspires you. She was Anastasia on BWY. Honestly she’s just the nicest, sweetest, person and she’s so talented and full of love and the girl loves to run. I adore her.

If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? I genuinely could not. I was ready to kill people doing what I loved for almost twice minimum wage.

Do you believe in luck? “You know whatno like to say about coincidences? The universe is rarely so lazy.”

Describe the last time you were very angry at someone. Learning your so called best friend was going behind your back telling all your shit to one of your friends while completely faking that she was worried about you and your life decisions and just “wanted to make sure I was okay” I don’t play that shit.

Do you want to live until you’re 100? I’d feel like God was punishing me.

Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change? Be willing to grow together. Understand one may grow faster and in different ways than you. Decide if you can handle the difference in your life and if you can, stay. If you can’t, shit happens.

Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them? I don’t think so.

Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? Alone. Being forced into situations I’m uncomfortable with breeds resentment.

Do you practice what you preach? I do my best.

If you take precautions to stay safe, do you ultimately act more recklessly? Depends. I’m finding lately I’m more reckless than I used to be.

What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence? Intelligence.

Are you hard-headed? Lord am I ever 😂

Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? Many, MANY times.

When have you felt most alive? Sitting on a Ferris wheel, overlooking the Seattle skyline.

Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains? Think of the many times I’ve mentions cities here 😂

Do you often skip breakfast? Nearly every single day.

How do you know what true love is? You can feel it in your soul.

Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die? No.

Where is “home” for you? It’s more a feeling and it hits me at the strangest times. Sitting on the top of craggy mountain pinnacle, looking at the CLT skyline, driving through the back roads in Weddington in the fall...

What song best describes your life right now? Right this second? No idea.

Do you want to be perfect? No. If you only ever experience good and there is no bad, you never know when to appreciate the beautiful things because you don’t know what ugly is.

What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back? I want to go skydiving. Money is my issue.

How do you express your creativity? Mostly through painting and writing.

Describe your neighborhood. It’s cookie cutter. All the houses look the same.

Name something you only liked because it was popular. I went through this phase where I really wanted a fricken Camelback water bottle.

Give me the story of your life in six words— It’s hard. Eventually I’ll die.

[elucidatingquestions]

About Me

I wrote this in fucking 2014...

Feb. 7th, 2014 at 1:38 AM

So I'm gonna just do a 100 question survey to give you an idea of the crazy you've stumbled upon.

Are you young at heart, or an old soul? Old soul

What makes someone a best friend? Someone who you don't have to finish a sentence with to get your point across. Someone who can look at you and tell whether you're having a bad/good day and behaves accordingly. Someone who lets you live in their basement when your family fucking sucks.

What Christmas (or Hanukkah) present do you remember the most?

Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life.  I feel like every thing which you digest visually, audioly (that's a word now), or even mentally changes your life in some way. You don't see life the same after seeing something you've never seen before. If you take any movie/song/show/play/book etc out of a life you'd see a big change in the person you're observing.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. I have really nice, thin wrists. It's hard to pick "just one" I don't like.

Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? No. If I cut them out, I cut them out for a reason.

What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? Emotional connection.

Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title. Inglorious Basterds. If you can't even bother spelling the word right, how can I expect you to do anything else right?

What holiday do you most look forward to? Christmas. Excuses to buy things for people. <3

How is the relationship between you and your parents? I haven't seen my father willingly in almost 4 years. I desperately try to cling to my mother, but she's a terrible person and I have had to come to terms with it.

You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? Netflix.

Name a song that never fails to make you happy. I GOT A BOY - SNSD

You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him.  Rewrite because no. I don’t know anyone named Michael. Not personally.

Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to? I read them for shits and giggles sometimes, I've never wanted to or posted one.

If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? Japan, on Hokkaido somewhere.

Can money buy happiness? No. Money can buy things which lead to happiness though.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not? Occassionally (not very much), no, no. Because it's fun sometimes, because it's bad for you, because I don't like the idea of altering my perception or dying. Rewrite: Not really. Yup, it’s a crutch. Yup, I smoke weed because the pills stopped working.

Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names. Yup.

Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid?  There was a forest near my home when I was very young. It had an actual playground which someone had built in it which we called "The Elven Playground", a lake, and a tree which had fallen in such a way it worked as a see-saw, we called it "The teeter-totter tree". It got bulldozed and cut down for a bunch of houses which no one lives in.

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? Never a whole night, no.

Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people? One or two friends.

Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to? I listen to pretty much every type of music, so my parent's music falls into that category.

Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else? Yes I have been bullied. And I believe I've picked on people before, but not to the extent of bullying. I regret picking on people though.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Sushi.

If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? Okay.

Do you believe in a god? I don't believe in "a" god. I believe in a whole slew of gods. I believe that any god can exist, and I do not deny others’ gods.

Of all the social networks in the world, why use Tumblr?  Rewrite: Because there are people here who have nowhere else to turn, and I want to help.

What’s your favorite Tumblr tag to track? My dash.

Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” Lower class.

Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended. Hannah Montana. Yeah. That's right. (Still right.)

Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? No. My aunt (found out she was my grandmother) though, she used to just show up with shit from the shopping network. New things literally every day.

If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? I don't have a car. I desperately want one so no.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? I would go back to the me in 7th grade who stopped eating breakfast and lunch because my father said I was fat and say "Don't stop eating, you'll end up sick, you won't be able to exercise like you enjoy doing, you won't be happy, and you'll end up actually fat. Your father is WRONG."

What’s your “quirkiest” habit? I randomly say shit. In Japanese. Like full on: その車、何でそのことをしたんだ？When I could have just said "Why'd that car do that?", but it processed in Japanese faster. (spelling mistakes are funny I don’t write like that anymore)

What is “normal?” Are you normal? Normal is not defineable, but I'm certainly not it.

Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? No. The person I automatically thought of (My Aunt who passed away a few years ago from breast cancer) would have hated to know others would die in her stead even if they were strangers. I'd never do that to her.

What is one thing you could never forgive? Lying. Blatent lying and not feeling any remorse for it.

Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? It depends. Some relationships can be happy and wonderful after the honeymoon period ends, but if it wasn't happy I wouldn't want to be in it.

Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends? Only if the guy/girl is a entitled piece of shit. :) YOU KNOW WHAT PAST ME?! DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT?! 

Where do you and your friends go to hang out? Home.

Write the first paragraph of your obituary. She fucking died sitting in a chair writing her OWN obituary and listening to California Girls. Who the hell does that? Well at least her brothers and sisters can live on forever. Sucks. She was going to Japan in the fall, finally. (hmmm. Well, that happened.)

What is the best TV theme song ever? POKEMON

When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up? I thought I would magically move to Japan when I was 18 and be a supa kuwai person in Japan-land also known as ANIME WORLD which isn't even a place so I was on crack.

When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? In my room. Would if I had my own house.

What gets you out of bed in the morning? Me. I'm usually in a lot of pain, really tired, really stiff, and I have to say "Fuck it" and drag myself out of bed.

Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? I have one IRL friend right now? So yeah.

What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? Me telling my step siblings where to shove it and moving out on my own while simultaneously making my Japanese teacher so proud of me he keeps trying to send me to Japan.

You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? I don't have a job yet, but I think I'd still do it. I really want to teach English.

Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work? No. I tried it way too many times and I can't.

What’s the best route to your heart? Honesty, integrity, and kindness.

Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life? Yes. Only one person. She was amazing, my fiance, and I loved her to pieces. I still love her, but we're not in a relationship anymore.

What is your favorite sport? Hockey/Figure Skating

What has been troubling you lately? People. Tumblr. I'm so tired of the shit that goes on there. They're usually okay, but lately all I've been seeing is people literally telling people to die, or how terrible they are, because they're a sexuality, a gender, or a race. It makes me sick. But people don't listen to other people when they protest it, they just turn their animosity onto the nay-sayers.

Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you haven’t gotten there yet, do you look forward to it? If you didn’t go, why not? I didn't. I sometimes wish I had, but all I would have done is dress up nice and be alone for an entire evening. I really would have loved to dress up though.

What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? Intuition

Do you know what makes you happy? My room. My dolls. My snugglies. My books.

Tell me about the last book you read. I've been reading the Divergent trilogy. I absolutely love it. It's about this girl who's apparently Divergent. She spends books 1+2 trying to figure out what that is while trying not to get killed in this post-apocalyptic faction-style city. She spends book 3 weeding through crappy lies and secrets to the truth.

What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? Anytime someone tells me I'm a good person or that I'm doing something right I feel really happy, because I spent so much time when I was younger hearing how terrible I was.

Who was your first crush? This kid who I knew in pre-school named Peter. Our parents used to joke that we'd get married.

Do you believe that there is life on other planets? There are literally billions of other star systems in the universe, never mind there are probably other universes parallel or not to this one, if I didn't think there was life on other planets I'd be stupid.

Predict what your life will look like a year from now. Japan.

Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began. Hetalia.

Where is your favorite place to go out and eat? Azuma Sushi.

What is something you want to change about your current situation? Money. Halp.

Early bird or night owl? Night.

Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? Mostly stuffed animals. Also my Lion King blanket. It's still on my bed.

Give me an unpopular opinion you have. Straights are not "boring". “Whites” do have ethnicity. Men are not evil.

What was the last song that was stuck in your head? Hyde - VIXX

Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want. Sooke, BC, Canada.

Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? Absolutely. The most wonderful moment of my High School life was in grade 9 when I helped with the ESL students and I got a community participation award. It made me want to be an English teacher even more. I've stuck to it ever since.

What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? It was almost 10 hours I think. I was REALLY young. It was from Prince George to Victoria, so iunno google it.

Have you ever taken part in a protest? Online only. Protests in real life scare me because I have a fear of crowds.

Would you ever use an online dating service? I've tried them and they're not for me.

What is your ethnic heritage? My entire family is from Wales (even my adopted family). My mum's grand mother and my dad's grand parents literally lived on opposite sides of a hill. My dad's grandparents ended up in England somehow. My mum's grandparents ended up as debt slaves and got deported from Wales to Canada where they lived in Alberta before coming to Vancouver Island.

Describe a person that inspires you. I don't really have much inspiration. I don't like putting people on pedistals because I don't like being disappointed.

If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? No. I wouldn't be able to live. If I worked minimum wage in Japan I'd be getting around $8/hr and there isn't actually a minimum wage over there.

Do you believe in luck? If luck exists I have some shitty ass luck.

Describe the last time you were very angry at someone. Today. When some asshole tried to tell me what to do.

Do you want to live until you’re 100? No.

Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change? Yes. You don't always keep relationships when you change, but if you both change in the right ways relationships can end up stronger. It's sort of up to chance.

Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them? Yes.

Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? Alone.

Do you practice what you preach? I try. I try really damn hard. Sometimes I catch myself, when I do I repent.

If you take precautions to stay safe, do you ultimately act more recklessly? I take precautions.

What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence? Depends. If they're attractive, stupid, but have a good heart and an open mind, then attractiveness, but if they're intelligent, open minded, and good hearted, then intelligence. XD

Are you hard-headed? Like granite. Even if you drop me on the floor I just break into two solid pieces. (YOU KNOW WHAT PAST ME?! YOU KNOW WHAT?!)

Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? Oh yes.

When have you felt most alive? Usually when a song has a opening that starts out slow and blows up, like Firework by Katy Perry.

Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains? The countryside/mountains/valley.

Do you often skip breakfast? I don't anymore.

How do you know what true love is? Some people get it, some people don't. I'm sure there's a "feeling" or something, but I don't know it yet.

Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die? No.

Where is “home” for you? Right where I am. My adopted family is across the street, my sister and her husband are upstairs. I have all my dollies with me. I'm in Sooke.

What song best describes your life right now? Roar.

Do you want to be perfect? No, too much pressure to maintain it.

What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back? Writing a book. My brain.

How do you express your creativity? Writing, singing, and drawing.

Describe your neighborhood. I live in a co-op, so there's like this key shaped road and about 15 townhouses all in this little fenced area. Trees and stuff.

Name something you only liked because it was popular. Usually I work the other way. I literally cannot think of something I liked because it was popular.

Give me the story of your life in six words. Born. Poor. Abuse. Sick. Cage. Key.