#i have to put so so so much effort to even look at myself and not see myself as ugly or weird looking. it’s such a challenge

[sirianasims]

Chapter 44.5

I get almost halfway through the take before I stumble over my words. With a deep breath, I reach over and stop the recording. Again. I wonder how real actors can stand this, repeating their lines over and over, but quickly veer sharply away from that particular line of thought.

I hit the record button with a little more force than strictly necessary, watching the monitor as it opens a new file for the fifteenth time today. With another deep breath I paste on a smile that gets less convincing for each take.

“Hi guys, it’s Julia!” I chirp, my voice sounding unnaturally upbeat, even to me. I launch into the introduction, trying to hit that sweet spot where it still sounds natural and improvised, as if I hadn’t rehearsed it all morning.

This time, I manage to maintain a smooth delivery from beginning to end, no fumbling, no awkward pauses. Relief washes over me, until I glance at the small mirror under my camera.

One side of my eyeliner is smudged, the wings embarrassingly lopsided and uneven. I finally got my perfect take – and it’s useless. Of course.

I hammer the button to stop recording and toss a mascara onto the table with a clatter. My eyes are burning, and it’s not just from the brightness of the ring light. I grab a makeup wipe and erase any trace of the effort I put in this morning as I shut down the camera. No more today. My heart’s clearly not in it right now.

I head into the living room and sink onto my couch with a weary sigh, phone in hand. Marten still hasn’t replied to the text I sent him several hours ago, before I started recording. Now that we’re official, I figured we’d be texting and talking even more often. Instead, I almost feel more isolated than before. It’s only been a week since our first kiss, shouldn’t this be the giddy honeymoon stage?

I guess I can’t expect him to clear his entire schedule just because I finally decided to sleep with him, but still, I would have liked to see him again this weekend, spend more time together, reassure myself that the feelings – his or mine, I don’t know – are real.

I try to get a few cute selfies. My hair’s still decent, but without the makeup, I look… well, tired. I choose the least unflattering one and send it to Marten.

After a long pause, my phone finally vibrates. “You’re so pretty, Jules. Miss you too. Busy w/ study group, talk later!”

I stare at the message for a few seconds, chewing my lower lip. Somehow, it’s not the enthusiastic, all-in response I crave. He always says that he misses me, but he’s extremely slow to respond most of the time. I get it, his studies are demanding. But is it wrong for me to want more attention? More… appreciation that I’m dating him?

I feel a flutter of guilt. Do I seriously want him to feel grateful? Ugh, I sound like such a diva. I scroll through my favourites, stopping at Samara’s name. She’s visiting her family this weekend, so that’s a dead end. The quiet of my apartment presses in, the air thick with a loneliness that’s becoming too familiar.

On an impulse, I text Miranda instead, and my phone rings seconds later.

“Hey, girl!” Miranda’s voice crackles through the speaker, bright and cheery as always. “What’s up?” Her excitement makes me smile. Maybe some of that energy will rub off on me.

“Not much, to be honest. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?”

“Oh my gosh, yes! Perfect timing. I was just unboxing some new items for a brand deal and I’d love a second opinion. Come over!”

“I’ll be there soon,” I say.

I can always finish the video later.

It’s impossible to be sad for long in Miranda’s apartment. The moment you step inside, it’s like an explosion of colourful curiosities, framed posters, soft pillows and plants, so many plants. This place is all Miranda, loud and unapologetic.

Her cat, Socks, is curled up in her usual spot on the couch and I’m very careful not to intrude on her space as I cross my legs. At best, that would earn me a scathing look of absolute disdain, and at worst, she’d get up and leave, her tiny furry body radiating contempt.

Miranda has placed two steaming mugs of coffee in front of us, along with some fruit and chocolate.

“Thank you so much for having me over, Mir. I spent all morning messing up a recording and I was slowly going insane.”

“You’re welcome, I appreciate the excuse to procrastinate.” She indicates her unboxing table across the room with a toss of her head. “Got a brand deal, I’ve only worked with them once before, and I really need to get it right. They’re extremely picky, last time I had to redo the video like seven times before they approved it.”

“Ouch. But I guess they were happy in the end, if they offered you a second deal?”

“They were very happy, but it’s still a lot of pressure. So I’m postponing that particular problem until tomorrow, the light is better early in the day anyway. But how are you doing, really?”

The genuine concern in her voice makes me fold immediately.

“Honestly, I kind of hate everything right now. It’s like nothing really makes me happy, even though it should. I mean, I finally hit a hundred thousand followers, I got a new boyfriend, things should be amazing. But no matter what I make, it feels forced, and Marten… I don’t know. I can’t quite get a read on him, I kinda wonder if he even actually likes me.”

“Well, maybe he’s not as intense as… as what you’ve been used to, but he’s clearly obsessed with you. I don’t think we’ve ever hung out without him texting you at least two or three times, and that was before you even started dating.”

“Yeah, you’re right, maybe I’m comparing. I guess it’s too soon to worry about it, it’s only been a week. It’s probably just work dragging me down.”

Miranda looks thoughtful. “Would you rather go back to your old content?”

I shake my head. “No. It’s too niche, I was struggling to reach fifty thousand followers back then, and I’ve already doubled that since switching. I need to stick to something with a wider appeal if I want it to be viable.”

“OK, thought experiment – if money wasn’t an issue, what would you do? No limits, you can do whatever you want?”

The vision bursts into my head, unbidden. I’ve moved to Del Sol Valley, I’m working on movie costumes, maybe musicals or theatre too, and I walk the red carpet in a stunning gown, and Paul is there, and of course he sees me and deeply regrets ever leaving me. Then I force him to explain himself and either slap him or kiss him – or both – and…

“I don’t know.”

“Really? Seriously, Julia, anything goes?”

I force the fantasy out of my head and try to be realistic. “I think I just miss being a little more creative. I don’t want my whole rebrand to go to waste, but maybe I could make it a bit more… fun?”

“Well, that’s pretty doable, isn’t it? I’ve been thinking we could do a collab, maybe it’d shake up the format a little and you could do something new.”

Next to me, the cat purrs contentedly, oblivious to the mild existential crisis swirling in my head. “I really appreciate you wanting to help, but I’m a bit worried it’ll look like you’re just boosting me. You’ve got ten times the followers I do, I don’t want pity views.”

Miranda chuckles. “Oh, girl, no. I’m your friend, but if I didn’t like your content, I wouldn’t risk associating with it, you know? This collab is just as much for me as it is for you.”

I manage a half-smile. “That’s nice of you to say.”

“I’m serious, Julia. You always bring something unique and creative, and maybe it could be a stepping stone for you to add a bit more colour to your channel?”

“You’re right, and I really don’t want to sound ungrateful. This is just so far from what I used to do, I’m struggling to figure out how to combine it.”

Miranda nods. “I get it. But sometimes you have to try a couple different paths before landing on the perfect blend of what you love doing and what actually gets traction. You’ll figure it out.”

Next to me, Socks seems to have gotten bored with her nap. Her ears twitch, and in one fluid motion, she hops off the couch.

We both turn our heads to watch as she leaps onto the small presentation table where a pair of pink boots are ready for Miranda’s video.

“Oh no,” Miranda mutters. “She’s gonna cost me a deal if she touches those.”

The cat sniffs at the box, then at the shiny leather. I’m halfway across the couch when Socks swats at the lid, her claws catching in the wrapping paper.

“Socks, no!” Miranda yelps, leaping to her feet. The cat immediately backs off and starts washing herself, clearly offended that we would ever think she had any interest in the shoe box at all.

Miranda sinks back into the couch as Socks jumps off the table and we both burst into relieved giggles.

“She’s such a menace. Anyway, about the collab…”

navigation / previous / next

[canisalbus]

So i remember an ask mentioning your mortal enemy, Felis Atra and their cats, and i thought it'd be fun to draw what Felis Atra's version of your italian dogs would be.

I think they would be called Butter Knife and Flamengo! Butter Knife is not his real name, it's an nickname given by his peers because of how harmless he is. I choose Flamengo because that's the name of Vasco's rival football team here in Brazil, so i thought that was the perfect name :)

Cat Machete was slightly inspired by the Oriental Shorthair cat because of their long noses and thin head shape.

Cat Vasco was inspired by the Scottish Fold cat, because FLOPPY EARS. I gave Flamengo longer ears and orange fur to make him more like his look-alike.

The last doodle is a reference to this ask (https://canisalbus.tumblr.com/post/728923918314946560/me-i-am-machete-ear-fan-number-1-those-ears) and contains the tumblr ask stand-in dog, whose cat version was inspired by the American Curl cat! They have round ears that are slightly floppy outwards.

Final notes: I know cardinal clothes don't come in vibrant blue, but i was ADAMANT on switching Machete's and Vasco's clothing color patterns. I would draw the rest of Butter Knife's and Flamengo's clothes, but i suck at designing cool outfits.

Speaking of outfits, for Machete's iconic void outfit, i figured it would be fun to make it more baggy for Butter Knife, in contrast to Machete's, that looks very tight-fitted. I think it's cute, it kinda looks like a sweater. Also i can't imagine a Machete doppelganger without high heels boots, so those HAD to stay.

Oh, and just to be clear, i'm not like, claiming ownership of these guys or anything. I just thought it would be a fun exercise. Hope you like them!! I love your art and your characters.

.

[onebizarrekai]

howdy gamers. I didn't make very much digital art this year, but I did challenge myself to draw or write at least one thing in a particular sketchbook every night this year and fill its pages! I made my yearly art compilation out of that book instead of my usual digital art.

the drawings range from characters, objects, scenery, graffiti, one-sentence journaling, tiny drawings and big ones, foregrounds and backgrounds, angst, drawings mismatched and matched, 99% done in colored pencil. it's so satisfying to flip through a sketchbook where each page is completely full and brimming with color. I've put a few of my favorite pages below plus some other silly little things.

I only filled up about half the book this year, so the quest continues. also ozzy ghirahim is my favorite drawing in the whole book

[woodblxssomcrowned]

.

[shayberri789]

I'm a little hurt by some of my irl friends and have two courses of actions, but which will both have similar outcomes

Basically, I have three creative irl friends. Every time they share their writings with me (be it fics, poems, stories or creative non fic), I ALWAYS read it as soon as I'm able and give feedback + healthy amount of gushing.

But whenever I write something I am proud of and I share it with them, none of them acknowledge it. Its like they don't see the link you know. And its fine because I just say "I wrote a thing" and give a link. I'm explicitly asking for feedback or validation. I can't be upset because they're not mind readers

But sometimes I explicitly DO ask them "hey did you see what I wrote?" "Hey, what do you think of this?" And i get half assed responses at best. "Oh its good" "uh ill read it when I get home *never hears about it again*". And that's a little more frustrating.

Earlier today I needed to put together a portfolio, and asked my two best friends to please read through it, because it was important and I needed their input on (1) thing, and I needed it *before the end of the day*. It was three pages of easy reading. Its not like I was asking for concrit or editing or something time consuming.

One of them skimmed it and gave me feedback. The other one is adhd and forgot. Said she'd read it later when I reminded her. When I reminded her again, she said she forgot and had made plans, can she do it in the morning?

And normally I'd say that's fine! Because I don't expect immediacy from my friends online, esp for favours. But I had a deadline, and this was the third time this particular friend has done this. There's only so many times I want to poke someone to read my shit before I start feeling like I'm bragging/attention seeker/being entitled and demanding. So I just went and asked someone else.

I know I'm valid to feel hurt about this, and frustrated. I also know that my friends don't mean to make me feel like this, or forget. I know they want to support me. But I'm also tired of getting burned so I'm just going to fucking stop trying to share my writing with them because instead of validation I'm getting pain.

My two options are either a) telling my friends that actually their silence and forgetfulness hurt me or b) just lettint it go

Either way, I'm not reaching out again. B) seems like the option less likely to hurt my friends/make them feel bad, so I'm leaning to that. If the roles were reversed, I'd rather option A), because when people tell me these things I do genuinely try to do better in the future, and I know my friends would feel the same. But I've also lost faith in their ability to do so in this area. Idk what I should do

[lumienn]

Me when I did 10 things to make my day better but came across 1 (one) thing that ruined it

[owcs]

For my first clip uploaded here, I figured it would only be right to have it be tracer gameplay. Here are some highlights from Nico of team VARREL against Hayabusa Gaming* from today February 27th, 2024. *Hayabusa Gaming does not have a liquipedia page to link to

[heymrspatel]

Its Kinktober! Do you have any work coming, if not, are you open to taking ideas/commission

hello! it IS kinktober 🥳 i've done a few so far and if everything goes to plan i should have a few more coming up. i went through a little dip and the momentum i had going disappeared. but, i'm going to try!

i appreciate the interest so so much, but i don't do commissions. the creative/fandom part of my brain is not wired that way unfortunately.

however, alice @darthvaders-wife, recently posted about accepting commissions! (she has also been posting incredible art every single day of kinktober - she's amazing and i bow down) if anyone else is accepting commissions please give a shout! 🩵

[oscargender]

to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not

[ozymoron]

i suck at art so im drinking about it

[digyoman]

thinking about earlier this year and even last year when i was so deeply hyperfixated on lloyd & he was all i could think about and yet i barely shared any of my thoughts on here. i kind of want to kick myself about it now actually because i know i had so many things to say and so much i wanted to do but i never made it happen. why was i a coward.

[rosesradio]

.

[altarplay]

i guess it's good to have confirmation that our best is everyone's elses mediocre. lack of effort. doesn't care enough. etc.

[rampant-testiculitis]

the stars aligned in my personality so that everything i convey is either a warped version of what was intended something blatantly different

[thetrashyflower]

I know I'm only feeling this cause it's late and I feel like shit but God i want to scrub all my art off the internet again