#i have to pretend to be a boy irl and then on the internet im like.

[septembersghost]

Hi I'm the same anon who talked about internet best friend

I'm so lucky cause I meet her yk she came im my life in the moment that I actually needed someone to talk with I needed someone I could open up to someone who's my age someone who could understand me I did had my classmstes but they were always leaving me behinde they weren't mean to me or something but they were never inviting me to their hangouts they had a group chat without me in it (btw I'm talking about girls cause boys were just stupid and didn't want to be friends with us) And I feel like they knew the version of me that's no longer existing they knew me as little kid who just wanted to have friends and someone who was always smiling and seemd like there's no problem in life they knew that version of me but that version is not there anymore they didn't even meet the next me that girl was more shy that girl actually had problems and that girl was crying herself to sleep she was just puting that fake smile and pretending like everything's okay when it wasn't and no one of them didn't care enough to ask me how I feel they didn't know anything about me they didn't even know my fav colour and they never bother to ask me anything about me I was just there standing with them and helping THEM to go trought THEIR problems while they didn't even know I had problems so yes my internet best friend is the best thing in my life she and my parents and sibling were always there and her virtual hugs are more worthy than their irl hugs

one of the things that strikes me often and makes me cherish my online friends so dearly is the fact that even though we don't know one another irl, they know more about me and know me better than people did irl (outside of my mom; it's good you have your parents and sibling too), because we're lucky enough that we can be our authentic selves with one another and share important things - online friendship IS real friendship.

"they didn't even meet the next me" definitely relate to this

your friend sounds wonderful, and i'm sure she feels this way about you too! i'm happy you found one another and have such a lovely connection. <333

[diagonal-queen]

Um hiya! I really like your work and I think you are pretty cool! I was wondering how one would become mutuals with you? Im really kinda socially awkward and more of a lurker, but I’m trying to branch out and be more social! Im only mutuals with one other person (I’m very shy) and we started chatting because of our cats and they generally bring happiness and good vibes so meet my cat Loki! He’s partially blind and has film over his eyes, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to steal everyone’s food.

I’m really into BSD right now and would love someone to chat about it with since I don’t know many people who are fans irl. I’ve even started writing for it recently and realized how much Dazai is a pain in the ass to write!!! It’s really hard making this silly goofy man both baby girl and mysterious man™️ at the same damn time. 😓 I think I may have girlbossed too close to the sun with this one since im only on my first chapter and I have 14 already planned out…. And that’s barely halfway through…. Sigh. Quite a way to start writing for a series, huh.

Anyway! I would love to chat with you!

AYO I SEEN YOU IN THE NOTIFS OMGGGGGGG hiiii (〃∀〃)ゞ

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS ASK FR!! and of course i'll be moots with you ^-^ dw i'm socially awkward as fuck too. i just pretend not to be because when im on the internet i really just pull a thanos and think 'reality can be whatever i want'. thank you for initiating though i appreciate it and im very proud of you!

LOKI IS SO FUCKIN CUTE IMMA STEAL HIM jokes i wont steal him. theft is a crime i reserve for the 1%. but i love him okay know this. he adorable as FUCK please cuddle that cat on my behalf. and oh nooooooo it would be so bad if you sent me more pictures of loki aaaaaaa im scared noooooooooooooo

man i'm super into bsd as well. i've been hyperfixated on this shit for six months now and i honestly don't see it stopping any time soon. like i've been obsessed with stuff in the past but like...i got a feeling about this one. this one is THE thing ya feel me? also i honestly don't mind writing for dazai the dude i have an issue with is KUNIKIDA he's so hard for me for some reason. what if we...did some type of kunidazai collab piece sometime...😳👉👈

also 14 chapters already? deadass impressive (to me anyway, since i literally make shit up as i go lmao) but back in the day...oh boy. you shoulda seen me in my kpop phase. i was planning literal serialised novels dude. dark times...*shudder*

feel free to pop into my dms and i'll be there to chat!

in the meantime have one of my favourite memes

[omories]

okay. okay whatever. i wanted to go to a cafe tomorrow but whatever. i was supposed to high restrict this week for my exams so my brain doesn't fry but i fucked up tonight so no thanks. i feel very gross rn for a lot of reasons including but not limited to how much i ate. i need a shower and everything out of my body please.

[milkshakefemme]

So ummm I put some posts in the queue again for once lol

[mel-street]

hi guys!  happy new year and here’s hoping that 2021 is a better year for all of us. during quarantine i did what a lot of you guys did and turned to social media sites and fanfiction. (the amount of fanfiction i’ve read this year is INSANE and we’re not going to talk about it)

my usually nerdy self immersed myself into fandoms and along the way i met some of the most important people in my life now. these people have taken me in, broken me (im dramatic kay deal with it), and been there to huggle me when i cried over random shit. so this is for you guys. these are for all the internet weirdos that my teachers and parents warned me about, but that i ended up being closer to than some of my irl friends. these are for the people who have influenced me and shaped me into the weird fangirl stabby bad boi simp that i am starting into 2021 (im aware that this entire thing makes no sense but just pretend that it does)

@ohh-deary-me RAVEN (ok that was weird to call you, but im not going to name reveal you for a third time so yee)  aksdjflkdsjfd i love you way to much. we first met on a pintrest group chat for some project thingy on wattpad and ended up fighting over tom holland which says something about both of us. you’re so incredibly amazing and im so proud of us for how much we’ve grown and you’re amazing, and a literal copy of me which is scary, but you’re so amazing and beautiful and i love you so fucking much and i’ll never leave you <3

@wildfleur-dreams DOT! you’re my huggable smol bean sister whom i love with all my heart and one day i will meet you and i will hug you and pat you on your smol head even though we’re pretty much the same height oop-. you’ve been there for me ever since i told you to read my my shitty grishaverse fanfiction and commented on it. and i love you so so so much *huggles* <33

@asterani sdfjasf raffe. you’re literally the sweetest human bean in the world. i love talking to you about random shit and thirsting over disney characters. asdkfjsd you’re so amazing and i hope you know that *Huggles* also hehe im glad you like the mandalorian. we need to fangirl together sometime. i love youu.

@doublerainbowsss NOMI!! my bts obsessed older sister by like 6 days. you’re so incredibly talented and funny and amazing and sometimes im immensely concerned for your mental health but that’s only because i love you lmao :) thank you for always being there for me and thank you for making my little sister into a bts stan *serene smile* im not mad about that at all- ily hon

@brekkerstan *waves* hiiii. i love how we bonded over some completely random grishaverse post and then ended up writing some completely crack headcannons. you’re so sweet and im so glad that you messaged me a few months ago. thank you for always being there for me and always fangirling about six of crows with me (except there’s like a huge time difference between us and you’re always messaging me at like 2 in the morning and you need to SLEEP) <33

@sincerely-milli MILLI BBY. i knew you for a while on wattpad, but it wasn’t until we both got tumblrs and both got way to obsessed with vlv that we became close. you're the most amazing beautiful talented human to ever exist and i love freaking out about mechfall with you. ily <3

@nostalgiconism IKKKA. i’ve known you for a while on wp, but i just wanted to tell you that im so grateful for you. you were one of the first people i ever followed and one of my first online friends and you’re literally so sweet and idk what i’d do without you. ily

@illavarasi KIRI!! ok imma be honest i was completely intimidated by you when i first met you, but now i know you as an amazing chaotic bean/clown/hooman and i love you for that. thanks for always being there and always making me laugh. ily

@lochscinders hey cece. im sorry you had to put up with my dramatic ass for so long. thanks for ruining every single disney movie for me in one night while we both wheezed hysterically. that was possibly the most iconic and scarring moments of 2020. thanks for putting up with me thirsting over stabby bad bois and my endless spamming of anakin gifs. love ya <3

@mintyvolt ok this is the most talented human in the world. like seriously volt i don’t understand how you manage to juggle school and other stuff while writing and posting incredible vlv chapters every week. because of you i’ve cried over a certain golden boi’s death, shipped my murder beans to an uncomfortable extent and fallen in love with a murder. (i swear im still writing that melfall fanfic i just happened to forget about it) thanks for being so amazing and creating vlv. you’re going to be famous one day and then i’ll be able to brag that i knew you then. ily

@rosy-drxxmer KIRI. im so glad you’re reading soc lmao. i’ve known you for a while, but thank you for always being there for me and continuously spamming me with six of crows memes and edits. i love freaking out and fangirling over kanej and the grishaverse here’s to another year of fangirling. ily kay? you’re amazing and beautiful and talented and deserve the world.

@sitaarein hi isha yeah idk which blog you use anymore but imma just tag this one. you were friends with some of my closest friends a while ago and then you left wp for a while and i didn’t know what happened to you. we all moved to tumblr and i found you and im so happy we started talking. you’re so amazingly talented and have somehow managed to teach me how to use photopea (which btw is pronounced photo-pe-a) so thanks for that. keep being amazing <3

and lastly @YOU if you’re reading this

thank you to all my followers who followed me for some random fandom and then had to put up with me spamming you with something completely different from what you followed me for. i really appreciate all of you *hugs* i hope your 2021 is amazing.

aksjfksd i l love all of you guys so much. HAPPY NEW YEAR I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD YEAR (or at least a year better than this one)

[kweebtrash]

Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

[enchantedisabella]

Modern Greek Gods

my ig is vivacityandvellichor

Apollo: patron god of memes/vines. absolutely has a meme acc with over a million followers. you think peter parker, a fucking gen z meme legend, isn’t his illegitimate child? that he made just to spite athena with spiders? you are w r o n g

Zeus: the one those Straight White Guys (ew) pray to. often they place maga hats at his altar but even Zeus isn’t that much of a douchebag to support tr*mp and he burns them and strikes those guys with lightning at once. he’s that kind of dad that refuses to vaccinate his kids tho (sigh)

Athena: literally the inventor of just fucking shitposts that mess with your head and are filmed by Apollo saying shit like ‘i have faced God and stepped over Her heaven to get to my throne’. probably runs a shitpost acc and a feminism acc at the same time with wildly different posts, but everyone knows it’s her. there’s even accounts comparing her captions on her different accs bc one will be like ‘big mood gonna go die now bc for some reason i didn’t want the tide pod challenge to die and I DID IT wtf is wrong w me im begging for the sweet release of death’ and the other will be like ‘systematic oppression is only beneficial to straight white males who will continue to oppress poc, women and lgbt+ if they don’t recognise their privilege’

Persephone: kindest person ever. except when you try her, karma’s gonna be a bitch to you. usually she just stays home and plays with her cats, probably spends half her life as a stalker on tumblr or running an aesthetic ig, and the other half baking muffins to throw in the face of her enemies but also to give the best ones to her mom. is definitely taylor swift reincarnated, there’s no doubt.

Demeter: andrea swift reincarnated. that soft friend who will go batshit crazy if something happens to her precious daughter. 100/10 has a very good mother-daughter relationship. hates gossip column blogs but loves it when the tea is served for someone that deserves it. (kanye anyone?)

Aphrodite: works at buzzfeed, no doubt. one of those fashion bloggers with a ridiculously huge influence over celebrities even though all they do is post outfit combinations and promote products, and always has steaming hot tea to serve on every website available. loves dishing out to demeter and gets along surprisingly well with apollo who is also invited to those premieres with her (though for different reasons ofc). runs the most colourful ig acc ever, has an insane amount of followers. wakes up with perfect hair and no one knows how.

Poseidon: youtuber. one of those annoying ones who always say to subscribe to their channel before really doing anything much or saying anything worthwhile? like, why not say it at the end when people actually know what your content is about??? always gets invited to those youtuber conventions but hellaaa problematic. not a total dirtbag, supports feminism and everything, but he just has an overall toxic personality. athena stays tf away. somehow is actually lowkey hot tho and has had flings with every other well known celeb who lives near him.

Hades: HIGHKEY anime stan. pretends to like shit like my chemical romance but actually jams to one direction when alone. video games and pokemon go is their life 24/7, but they still try to hide the fact that they waste their (probably few) remaining days on it even tho everyone already knows. has tried tiktok once and went viral for being hilariously fucking bad. definitely has a meme face. apollo once made a meme out of hades’ face to spite him but it actually also went viral and now hades is known as the ‘pikachu corndog guy ’ around the internet. sometimes ppl ask for selfies on the street and he h a t e s it. will flip them off but can’t swear without sounding like a twelve year old who hasn’t gone through puberty.

Dionysus: is incredibly good at tiktok. once did such a smooth pop and lock with six of his nymphs that it went viral. can shuffle up the stairs like hell was freezing over but he didn’t give a shit. runs those eating asmr accs that’s mainly just him stirring drinking wine super loudly until he passes out (somehow still gets a staggering ton of views), but before that, poseidon makes sure to film all the stupid shit he says to put it on his youtube channel. athena’s sometimes there too and uses his overconfident phrases for her shitposts. needless to say, dionysus is a legend on stan twitter.

Ares: will Fite you. is literally the equivalent of a human trash can. people do put maga hats at his altar and he fucking wears them like the fucking trashbag scum that he is. athena plots different strategies to kill him and has polls for the best ones on her story. Straight White Guy trashhhhhhhhh. nobody likes him. he runs an ig acc with maybe four followers at best, and they’re all just all his other own accs that he uses to anonymously harass athena so she can’t shove his own failures into his face. she always knows it’s him, though. people beat him into pulp on online arguments but he refuses to admit that he’s wrong. gets a kick out of harassing people on the subway. athena refers to him as ‘it’ every time she talks about him because she says that subhuman feces should be referred to by the correct pronouns.

Hephaestus: that one sleazy guy at school who’s best friends with hades but isn’t as bad as asshole ares. knows that ares is morally wrong, but still is kind of ok with him unlike everyone else. wouldn’t go so far as to like him tho. that geeky guy who always gets invited to parties. nobody knows how, but he’s in the ‘popular’ crowd, but often overlooked. some people think that it’s because he does all his hw for them, but actually, hephaestus is that guy who’s sleazy and cheap but really slick and conniving. can get himself into any club. that guy who only uses social media to stalk others, and he follows like 1000+ people but nobody will follow him. kind of a douche but not so much to become revolting. haaaaaates poseidon bc they’re both toxic af and recognise it in each other but not in themselves. that guy who apologises for a racist thing from eight years ago that’s been brought up. actually means the apology but doesn’t have much empathy.

Hera: rules wattpad and i mean rules it. her stories basically win every bad boy x good girl cliché award ever. terrible grammar but somehow has a shit ton of votes and comments. has had a string of shitty boyfriends but only has eyes for zeus, the most problematic guy ever whom she keeps on returning to. she blogs about all her relationship failures mostly because she’s too hooked up on zeus, and all her ten million followers tell her to get some therapy or help but she never does. queen of falling into toxic relationships and honestly athena hates her personally but feels really sorry for her. probably doesn’t understand feminism all that much but still wants equal rights for everyone. doesn’t care if you’re lgbt or a diff race, and i don’t mean accepting i mean she literally does not give a flying fuck. one of those ppl who is ‘fake woke’ bc they actually do have good morals at heart but say things like ‘i don’t see colour’ only for athena to reply scathingly w things like ‘you actually do, you just don’t want to acknowledge your own white privilege by admitting it bc to admit it is to admit that you actually have been born w an upper hand’. def is one of those straight white girls who actually are decent and try their hardest to understand racism but just can’t get it. vents on wattpad yet somehow only gains followers.

Artemis: ah, saved the best for last. arty is a fucking queen, she’s the one who consistently burns tr*mp on twitter and challenges views. probably an actual activist irl who is v well known and promotes herself through ig. is probably best friends with taylor swift and emma watson. probably lowkey has the best singing voice and is actually an artist using music to protest. is mutuals with her feminist acc with athena on instagram. probably best friends w her and they do everything together, run a joint private finsta with a fairly small following of 500 people but post the most aesthetic bff photos.

[sibyl-of-space]

no one asked but im fuckin emo about relationships and communities online in 2020 so im going to go on a rambling essay like only someone with unmedicated ADHD can

When I turned 13 I was allowed to have My Own Computer With Internet in my room. The first thing I did was find and join an online forum about video games (this was early 2000′s, forums were a thing). I made over 100 posts my first DAY because I was so excited to talk to other people who liked video games and stuff and could talk about how actually I learned in biology that one of the ocarina of time bosses being a giant single-celled amoeba is unscientific.

Like, before I was allowed to be On The Internet TM, I talked to friends at school about video games by forcing my 3 friends to play the games I wanted to talk about, and then we would talk about them. And even once I joined these online spaces, it was totally different because everyone got to kind of just pick their own name and their own image to represent them so it was like a totally different, separate life.

Growing up, having these online communities where I had a sort of anonymity but still could interact with and meet people and form really close relationships, in addition to niche IRL friendships, was really important. I didn’t really have a lot of drama in IRL friend groups but boy there was forum drama and I feel like I got a lot of exposure to social interactions and stuff that way. I feel like I got the Authentic Teen Experience TM more online than in person.

(My first relationship was an online relationship with someone I met on this forum. Not to entirely derail, but it started out as a ‘joke’ and we pretended to be dating, and I have like insanely long AIM chat logs of the whole event to prove it.)

Anyway, I think I would be having an easier time with this if the forum had just gone under 10 years ago like all the rest of them did, but it has kind of been on life support this whole time and is still alive, and I’m having a LOT of feelings about it.

I really don’t want to talk about details here, I kind of don’t even care about them anymore, it’s just sad that this forum more exists as an animated corpse of what once was that a lot of us old farts still log onto every now and then, but there’s no real effort or desire to re-invest into trying to keep it alive or fresh and live on as a space new people might want to come to. I’m a mod of one of the sub-forums because I was modded 10 years ago and there’s no one to replace me. And now we are at a place where a known racist asshole is possibly going to be banned and somehow that is a line some people are mad we might cross.

At this point, I am tempted to just log off and never log back on again. I would be legitimately interested if there was a desire to re-invest in this community and make it welcoming to people who might stumble across it seeking refuge from all the huge corporate viral social media sites; somewhere they could call home if they managed to come across it and want to make an account. I’d be willing to put in the work to help draft new community guidelines, assist with elections or appointments for new mods, whatever it might take to make it feel like the place belongs to anyone who wants to be there.

But as it stands now, the only mods are people who were modded 10 years ago, the newest new member joined 2 years ago, and almost no one wants to start any topics that touch anything serious because some dickwad is gonna come in and talk about how actually SJWs are ruining america or some shit.

I don’t like feeling like a part of this site that sort of just exists as a nod to some heyday from like 15+ years ago. I’m ready to let it go, but I would rather either pull the plug on it or try to make significant changes so it has a chance to be a refuge to someone else. As it is now, it just seems kind of sad.

I’m DOUBLE emo about it because I am really really frustrated by the fact that in 2020 it seems like there is NO way to engage with people that isn’t being filtered by corporate-owned social media platforms, and they are less interested in helping people form healthy relationships and more interested in what can go viral and make them more money.

I can’t imagine being a teen right now trying to form friendships in this landscape. I had hoped to make an effort to go back to this small forum this past year to kind of get that small niche interaction but.. well, you know, now This. I’m just frustrated all around.

I still have a few outlets. I live with my roommate of like 10 years, I have a girlfriend (who lives in texas RIP), I have made a lot of friends in the Tales of Symphonia speedrun community and a few from cosplay, I have a couple IRL friend circles. But... I don’t know; I am missing this kind of purely online, niche community. And maybe that’s fine and they just don’t exist anymore, but that was such a huge part of my social sphere growing up that I don’t really know how to make up for that now?

I miss doodling some amateurish fanart, posting it on DeviantArt as a host and then putting it on this forum where like 2-3 friends who were also amateurish artists would comment on how nice the shading was and post their own art in their own art threads. Now it feels like, okay I can put it on twitter or wherever but I’m competing with professionals who do this for a living.

I need to find new communities that are healthy for me, and I am trying to grapple with the fact that it definitely will look different from how it did in 2006, but that’s okay if I can still meet people and grow from it.

[EDIT: I did try the fandom discord server thing but wew... man any server with overlike 50 people in it just turns into the equivalent of a subreddit real fast. I dunno. If your sole engagement with these people is about how much you both like X thing, it stops being meaningful pretty fast I think? Maybe I’m just being old and grouchy. But I’ve left or muted virtually every fandom specific discord I’m in. The only ones I’m active on are the Tales Speedrun discord and uhhhh... hm that’s about it.]

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[werewolfmob]

how did u do to feel comfortable w ur gender? im struggling a lot with my gender expression and gender itself. i know im a boy but people near me dont treat me like that so i come back to feel like a girl, im really insecure

umm i really dont know. ive struggled a lot with gender too and i had to do a lot of experimenting to get here in the end. i dont pass irl and i have a couple of internet friends even who still misgender me, so its really hard, but if you know youre a boy then i mean.. thats kinda just how it is. its sort of up to you what you do from there. there arent any “boy requirements” to be a guy, its not up to how you present, its just how you..are, and if thats how you feel and you let people around you know that and they continue to treat you like a girl, then sometimes you just gotta find new people. and youll probably still get misgendered in real life situations but.. thats just sort of how the cookie crumbles a lot of the time. itll suck really hard but in my opinion it isnt worth it to just toss it all out and pretend to be a girl if you arent one. i dont know how to give really good advice on this (or in general) but if you have any more specific questions i can like…try my best but in general you just have to be you and find people who will accept that, even if you dont choose to medically transition or anything.

[skamfairy]

For the ask meme 8 & 18 (if not, do you want to... ;))

yaaaaay thank you angel!! 💖

8. What’s your situation with being out?

oooh we’re getting deep 👀 okay this might get long cos i love talking about my coming out situation sjhhjjshajhas and talking in general sajhas. so 2017 was my official “i like girls” revelation but when i had that i decided i was pan and i “subtlety” came out as pan by posting a pic of me in pan flag colour makeup during pride month on insta lmao but i haven’t done anything like that since coming to terms with being a lesbian. basically the only people who know are my family, a couple irl friends and everyone i know on the internet AND YOU GUYS. it’s like a gradual journey for me, the longer i live accepting my sexuality the more i accept it and feel more comfortable about it. like when i first realised i liked girls and not boys i couldn’t even say the word lesbian when talking about myself, which is why i identified as pan for a long time instead. but now i love calling myself a lesbian and i feel better about it every day!! i haven’t put this in practice in real life much but i’m getting more and more comfortable. so yeah basically im out but not to everyone but im not closeted to the ones who don’t know, like if it came up i’d tell them if that makes sense? and i hate the thought of people assuming im straight too ashjsahjas a big part of me just wants to scream im gay to everyone but i still have that weird fear that people will judge me for not liking men, it’s silly. BUT MY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS SO GOOD

18. Have you ever kissed a girl?

omg my instinct with this was to say no because i haven’t kissed a girl since realising i like girls BUT i just remembered that i used to play this game with my friend when i was like 10? 11? and it was called,,,,,wait for it…….”lesbians” shjsahjsahjsa im serious. we would play this game where we pretended to be two girls in love and we would hold hands and kiss on the cheek and sometimes peck but that’s it. shjhajs i can’t believe it took me another 10 years to realise i was a lesbian im,,,, but anyway shjashj i guess no? not like a proper kiss AND I WANT TO SO BAD SOMEONE KISS ME NOW PLEASE 

omg angel sahjasjhhjas yes i want to!! look at that sly wink! are you propositioning me angel? 

Ask me some lesbian related questions!

[eulangelo]

hot take but this shit has to stop. mlm dont have to coddle homophobic cis women because theres a slight chance they could be trans guys with internalized transphobia or some shit like that (not to talk about how fucking transhomophobic this argument is, since all trans mlm already have to deal with ppl telling them they're just fujoshis, so this is such a dangerous and heinous thing to suggest).

people have to be held accountable for what they do and it's straight up ridiculous to say that we shouldn't just because we don't know what this person could id as in 2/3 years.

also suggesting that "calling out homophobic fetishistic behaviour from cis women could discourage them from identifying as trans" is... sure a bold stance like. do u think the only thing between someone identifying as a transmasc is their yaoi fanfiction on ao3?? and that pointing out how they're sexualizing/dehumanizing mlm for their enjoyment is bad because it discourages them from embracing who they really are??? is this the new hot discourse nowadays??

also idk how to point this out but u can consume/create gay content without it being homophobic. maybe no one would call these ppl on their homophobia were they making normal stuff and treating their "ships" as just two normal people, but they're not bc they're too busy writing 500 chapters of two anime boys having sex in every page.

also please stop "diagnosing" people with identities and sexualities for them for gods sake. "its ok to assume that someone is cishet if they say so themselves"???wtf???literally whats going on with this??? if someone says they're cishet you dont get to say "well... but maybe they havent realized it yet... im going to close an eye on what they do bc i think they're just secretly gay".

its one thing to talk to your friend/someone close to you because you may think there's something going on and offer your support for them, and just diagnosing strangers on the internet of being secretly idk gay trans men bc they read yaoi. they say they're cishet? cool, that's what you should respect. and, even if they do come out as trans mlm years later, other mlm (trans and cis alike because these people fetishize trans mlm too and we cant just pretend this doesnt happen and doesnt harm trans men irl) were still hurt by seeing a cis woman dehumanize and objectify them. that doesnt just go away because now that cis woman is a gay man.

ive seen a few posts over time decrying the specific phenomena of presumed straight cis girls/women saying "i feel like a gay man in a girls body" as like, exclusively a thing fetishizers say. which is interesting bc in my lifetime ive had two people say that to me as "girls" and then turn out to be gay trans men. and them saying that and them like reading gay media and stuff was not 'desperate cishet fetishizing mlm' but instead like 'just beginning to realize that their attraction to men felt wrong when it was as a girl'

and i dont doubt some 10000% cishet people have uttered those words bc they like yaoi too much, and to some degree i think its actually Okay to assume someone is straight and cis if thats what all signs are pointing to (bc. thats a survival mechanism). but when people make statements that are so deeply suggestive of maybe them being connected to lgbt identity its worth at least behaving gently to them

[tumblunni]

Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...

Sorry, going a little offtopic there.

But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!

Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....

Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??

Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...

So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!

So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids

And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.

This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...

God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..

[kidcorvid]

do all of them since u wanna play it like that

listen here you little shit

🐶 for a role play related pet peeve.

edge for edges sake, or drama for dramas sake. there are ways to make your character interesting and compelling without throwing them into a new Trauma Pit every single day. relax.

☠️ for something that will result in a instant unfollow from you

a lot of the above, posting a lot about irl politics of any kind, or aggressively soapboxing your beliefs through your character. the first two are aggravating and stressful, the third is just... yall...

also i disagree with callout culture so if i see a lot of callout posts that are insubstantial and only have easily edited chat logs and screen caps, like. just stop. thats really lame. youre not a hero, just stop.

✋ for a prompt/plot/concept/ anything you refuse to role play

honestly im down for anything as long as we hash it out first. the only exception is like. extreme kink aus or something.

📝 for a rule you think is important when it comes to role playing

📢 actually separating ic from ooc. if my character is mad at yours, im not coming after you personally. can we maybe just respect our fellow writers...

💘 for your policy on shipping with your muse(s)

i ship chemistry! sometimes it happens overnight, sometimes it has to be built upon. just kinda depends on the character! for dorian specifically, it takes work, because he is... desperately... tragically... in love with ash... and itll take someone *really* special to distract him from that

💞 for your policy on pre-established relationships with your muse(s)

im totally for it. itd be hard to do with dorian since his setting is really specific but like? hey, who knows.

🔍 for something you look for on other’s blogs

a fucking name on their ooc page. sorry but i dont trust yall if i dont already know u

and a little style doesnt hurt. if i check your blog and see nothing but aesthetic posts for three pages, im... not gonna follow you back, like, sorry, im here to pretend to be a blind boy on the internet who sometimes talks to people... its different if the aesthetic jives with dorian, but... still.

😊 for likable quality for a role play mun to have

being willing to share thoughts and carry their creative weight!!!! nobody likes being the only person to control the flow of a narrative, and one of (One Of) my biggest peeves is people who get pitched an idea and then say “oh yeah thats cool im down for whatever” like. yeah, that really makes me wanna write with y

🔪 for a fandom you refuse to associate with

homestuck and taz are a hard sell for me, but i wouldnt say id refuse outright if the blog or character is appealing to me or dorian. but i dont like what the fandoms have turned into, and unless i know the mun or know Of them, im not likely to follow back because i know how yall are and i want to keep my dash free of petty irrelevant drama wank.

[notatypicaldimension]

Tagged!

Thanks for tagging me @theragamuffininitiative ! 

I tag @hurtbyintensejourneys @thylovelylionheart @falconhawk9​ 

— what was your last…

1. drink: tea!

2. phone call: my mom.

3. text message: to a group chat with friends 

4. song you listened to: “Meltdown” by Lorde, Q-Tip, Push, HAIM, Stromae

5. time you cried: uuuhhh I think it was a couple of days ago, when I was just trying to get out of some pretty bad states and actually felt OK enough to cry so it was a good thing! 

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: No.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: No.

8. been cheated on: No.

9. lost someone special: Sorta....if the term is used quite broadly.

10. been depressed: Haha. Yes. Ofc. 

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Niet. 

— fave colours

12. Purple, or gray/black scale probably. 

13. I actually quite like brown....so maybe that? 

14. Hm. Probably a deep navy? Like a sailor outfit blue? 

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yes. Absolutely. 

16. fallen out of love: No. 

17. laughed until you cried: lol yes (thank you to theinsanereader for your book wedding video)

18. found out someone was talking about you: Yes! 

19. met someone who changed you: Hahahahah...yeeeesss. Helped me a lot tbh. 

20. found out who your friends are: In a way. Like it’s not that I didn’t know before, it’s more like now I understand it better in terms of human leanings etc. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: Uuuhhhhh....no, not on the lips.

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: Nearly everyone, there are a few I only know via the internet somehow, but I still know them from everyday things, or I have already met them.

23. do you have any pets: Nope!

24. do you want to change your name: No. 

25. what did you do for your last birthday: Oh boy. It was a weird day but good. I spent time with a cute lil kiddo, went on a walk and saw lots of flowers, watched an episode of doctor who, went out for starbucks with a friend, and got to hold a baby amongst some other more ritualistic things. 

26. what time did you wake up today: like, 10:30 or so. 

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Probably just listening to music and...um...maybe writing down in my diary or something?? idek.

28. what is something you can’t wait for: Hmm...this is gonna sound lame but fr I have very little social life so seeing a couple of friends once their schooltime frees up a bit more or whatever....oh! and also my little sister is competing this weekend o I can’t wait to go and watch her and her team :)

30. what are you listening to right now: Static, for the most part, and in the muffled background, my family just doing everyday things (lil screeches, telling offs, whAT?! etc.) lol. 

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: For sure. 

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: HA. The government, and some approaches that the American Evangelical Church seems to be oblivious to or non-sympathetic smh. 

33. most visited website: “Youtube and Tumblr are probably about equal.” (lol same)

34. hair colour: Brown. 

35. long or short hair: Long..

36. do you have a crush on someone: No... at least I don’t think so. Idek if I get crushes or whatever idek it’s confusing moving on

37. what do you like about yourself: Ooh. I like that the single most re-occuring obstacle in my life is that I’m so confusing to both myself (im still learning its ok to be me) and the entire world that it’s very, VERY conflicting in odd ways and that that is what makes everything mean things to me.....it’s like my essence etc. and I now know my main passion etc......tl;dr I like that I’ve figured out what the single epitome of most of what I am is and how its path has severely been distraught, and that though it’s going to take a lot of work to get back, it’s also just going to be the most incredible thing. 

38. want any piercings: nope.

39. blood type: sis, if y’all think I’m gonna put out vip information like that on this already crackhead-justice owned website by same-type  company like yahoo, y’all are w r o n g.  

40. nicknames: Uuuuhhhh. idk. @hurtbyintensejourneys​ , you should give me one. 

41. relationship status: Single. And probably most definitely not ready to mingle (but it’s ok! I’ll be someday, sometime soon...ish)

42. sign: Taurus. But I don’t follow horoscopes. 

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: Idek anymore....I love Lie to me, and like rags said, Fringe (tho I am still on like s2 aahh), and maybe Doctor who? I actually love Granite flats and GMW/BMW as well tho. 

45. tattoos: Nope.

46. right or left handed: Right-handed. 

47. ever had surgery: Nope. 

48. piercings: No.

49. sport: Alrighty; look, I will watch just about anything even though I’m bad at it....I think it has something to do with an interest in developing my recognizing of stuff/talent???? also it’s v cool. 

50. vacation: uuuhhh????? Probably my last “”vacation”” was in California? idek. 

51. trainers: I think they’re Nike. 

— more general

52. eating: I just want some sushi right now. The good stuff tho. NOt the *shudders* doobly-tasting kind. I love Asian food that’s not spicy tho. That’s some real bod-foodspiration right there for me.

53. drinking: Water, tea, juice that’s actually juice...... fresh smoothies. 

54. I’m about to watch: probably just safe-feeling trailers for me, so like, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl or something. 

55. waiting for: My mental health/processing desire to buffen up a little so I can actually start doing things again maybe (that’d be nice). Perseverance, basically, I guess.

56. want: Soundproof area maybe, to record //things//? A small local group of friends. 

57. get married: At some point, maybe. I’d not be surprised if I end up single tho. BUt I feel like I won’t which is....honestly.....sorta scarier for me rn dfhbjdhsbjdf

58. career: lol. idk. God’s plan? 

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: eyes, I think.

61. shorter or taller: taller

62. older or younger: depends

63. nice arms or stomach: niCe ArmS oR SToMacH? (bruh idk)

64. hookup or relationships: relationships is the only way to go, and not only in romance my friends. 

65. troublemaker or hesitant: Uuuhhh....hesitant. but you know what...imma pretend I come off as, like, a fine brand so. Hésitante. 

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: No lol. 

67. drank hard liquor: No. Thank GOD. 

68. turned someone down: Only one (1) time. Sorta. 

69. sex on first date: N o. 

70: broken someone’s heart: I actually don’t know. I don’t think so. I hope not. 

71. had your heart broken: Not like that, but also yes. At least a little. It’s sorta like having to go back and unstitch a stitch of yourself that’s all messed up; you thought you’d be ok with moving on from it, except ways further along you realise that you can’t and then having to go undo everything and start back up but even then your thread is all folded up and a little extra rugged. 

72. been arrested: No. 

73. cried when someone died: I want to say yes. But I actually am not sure. For sure, in fictional chracters so....(dad from my big fat greek wedding voice) there you go

74. fallen for a friend: No....I don’t think so. 

— do you believe in

75. yourself: Sorta. But inherently? yes. 

76. miracles: !!!! yes! If y’all knew some of the stories I’ve known....I love God so much I can’t even. It’s so marvelous. I just....Ah!

77. love at first sight: Yes, but only because I think it’s like some weird intuitive thing that’s legitimate for some people. Or maybe even a spiritual thing sometimes? 

78. santa claus: “He exists in every way that counts.” 😂 looolll

79. angels: Yes. Again, if y’all knew...

— misc

80. eye colour: brown

81. best friend’s name: I don’t have a best friend rn. 

82. favourite movie: Idk. 

83. favourite actor: Idk!

84. favourite cartoon: *Idk intensifies*

85. favourite teacher’s name: Not gonna say any specific names, but probably my German teacher in middle school, or 5th grade teacher. Also, non-official teacher friend man who taught me abstract concepts way beyond my grade level. I love them so much and they continue to have a very important impact in my life voyage. 

[gaynasa]

1-85 😈

1. Are looks important in a relationship?eehhh not really?? but I mean ive got to find you attractive somehow :D

2. Are relationships ever worth it?yes yes yes

3. Are you a virgin?yep

4. Are you in a relationship?single :P

5. Are you in love?eh ive got some crushes but not rlly

6. Are you single this year?still yep

7. Can you commit to one person?v easily and completely lmao

8. Describe your crushoooh ive got two probably they’re both girls and suPER CUTE but far away so im trying not to let myself get hooked plus if i describe them they’ll def know it’s them

9. Describe your perfect mateloves me and we do things and create together and lots of stuff ugh

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?aesthetically yeah?? :0

11. Do you ever want to get married?YEAH

12. Do you forgive betrayal?lmao i mean probably yes if i like you ill probably forgive every and any thing

13. Do you get jealous easily?YEAH i try to keep it from blocking anything but yeah v much so lmao

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?i feel like this repeats its self a bit but yeah ive got two big ones rn

15. Do you have any piercings?just one on each ear

16. Do you have any tattoos?nope :0

17. Do you like kissing in public?not like making out or anything but little kisses yeah

20. Do you shower every day?yeah it’s part of my routine each morning

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?probably not :((

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?lmao definitely not

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?easily

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?no :/

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?idk with how i’ve been emotionally and such rn idk if it’d be a good idea but if i met the right person id be v down with it

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?lmao yeah

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?yes!!! it was super great

28. Have you ever been cheated on?not that i know of

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?NO

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?yeah tbh i want to be skinnier pls also idk id think about getting chest surgery

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?a LOT fuck me

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?eh sort of??

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?nope

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?nope lmao the only person id consider doing it with rn is a close tumblr friend bc i trust him and i want to some time but he’s far away

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?yeah

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?YEAH

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?i dont think so

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?not really?

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?lmao all the time

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?YES i write a lot for ppl i like

41. Have you had sex so far this year?nope

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?lmao depends where we are

43. How long was your longest relationship?a yearish :0

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?2 girlfriends

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?oooh idk

46. How many times did you have sex last year?me, a virgin, had sex 2000000000 times

47. How old are you?18

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?i support them a lot and offer to help n such and yeah

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?hi

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?does this mean my first gf?? yeah definitely but that would never happen :D im proud of her tho like she’s so amazing and talented and beautiful  

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?hell yes

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?aah idk??? mostly just me

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?nah

54. Is there someone you will never forget?YEAH

55. Share a relationship story.aaah the first thing i ever said to my first gf was “can I borrow your hammer cuz I wanna bang that wood” bc she was cosplaying (V ATTRACTIVE) john with a giant zillyhoo hammer and i was in karkat cosplay and then i RAN AWAY bc i was shy

56. State 8 facts about your bodyi dont like it at all D:

57. Things you want to say to an exim sorry

58. What are five ways to win your heart?it;s not too hard lmao giving effort to talk to me, expressing interest in similar things or just having enthusiasm about somehting, cosplay and costuming or makeup skills, affection towards me, writing/poem/songs for me

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)psshh im a mes rn

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?a year

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?how they look?

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?biNCH anything i like when ppl feel like they look good and then they come and show me and its like YES also im probably a sucker for all those cliche romantic setups like yes

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?idk yet rlly

64. What is your definition of cheating?going behind your partner’s back

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?i haven’t really gotten to do much D: i like making out??? i rlly like neck kisses and like pinning ppl down (or being pinned) and kissing them everywhere

66. What is your favourite roleplay?pretending we’re both okay

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?ahh i dont wanna make myself sad bc i wont get one for a long time probably

68. What is your sexual orientation?asexual? im p neutral about sex i dont mind the action ig and id do it with someone i trust but ive never been like attracted sexually

69. What turns you off?conservatives and being rude also baby talk 100% dont play dumb with me  

70. What turns you on?kjnbjkebnjkbneanjgh things

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?we aint admitting to that kind of shit

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?idk yet my dude

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?buy me stuff rn i want sclera lenses so BAD also just being together and little signs and aaah idk

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?im not sure?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?dang idk about sweetest but a couple weeks ago a dude i know bought me a mimikyu pin and card randomly bc he knew they’re my favorite and im still crying

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?ooh someone would have to tell me that i do my best

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?under 18 probably no more than a two year difference?? if that makes sense but once both are older i think it’s less bad probably not more than like 8 years at most?? at most

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?if i told you it wouldn’t be secret

79. When was the last time you felt jealous?24/7 my dude

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?lmao i literally told Nora that at the top of this I love Nora

81. Who are five people you find attractive?Annie, Ava, Sky, César, Sofija, and Shay

82. Who is the last person you hugged?I think Kyle???

83. Who was your first kiss with?first romantic one is my first gf Hannah

84. Why did your last relationship fail?a lot of combined reasons ig mostly that it wasn’t felt anymore

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?maybe?? id want to meet irl