#i have this moment of okay now gotta torture myself. lets check their profile and see what absolutely stupid opinion they have on the latest

[am3-26]

there's this girlie (gender-neutral) i keep checking goodreads' of because i can't stop looking at their "all-time favourites" shelf and thinking to myself "why dont you also put 50 shades of grey on there"

[babyboibucky]

The Match - Part 2

Pairing: CEO!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The aftermath of matching with your boss on Tinder.

Word Count: 3,344

Warnings: FILTHY SMUT, boss x employee affair, oral (f receiving), fingering, unprotected office sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

A/N: Hmmm yes, part 2 of The Match is finally out and I hope this did not disappoint 😂

The Match Masterlist || MAIN MASTERLIST

“Am I really doing this?”

You asked yourself in the mirror before making a face, “Of course I am.” You huffed out and adjusted your breasts inside your bra.

After your brief yet tension-filled encounter with James, you sprinted to the bathroom as soon as you reached your floor. And mind you, you did that while wearing a tight pencil skirt and a pair of heels. It really surprised you how your thirst made you do that with ease.

If there was an olympics dedicated for thirsty bitches trying to get some, you’d probably bring home the gold with how fast you moved.

You checked your watch for the time, you still had ten minutes left so you made sure to fix yourself up. Of course, the logical part of your brain was screaming for you to get a grip because really? You were going to let your boss fuck you? In his office? During work hours? You were at a damn risk here; you could get caught or even worse, lose your job. But was that going to stop you?

Hell fucking no.

Checking yourself out in the mirror one last time, you let out a deep breath and walked out. Maybe you were just being hyper aware given that you were headed to your boss’ office to get fucked, but you felt uncomfortable as you passed by your colleagues. You offered them polite smiles and tried to act normal. Thank god the elevator was just a few steps away.

“Oh thank goodness, there you are.” Your manager immediately blocked your way and handed you a couple of folders.

“I need you to make a report out of these. I have a presentation before lunch.” She explained.

You frowned, “I’m sorry but aren’t you supposed to do these, not me? Besides, Ja— Mister Barnes called requested me to see him in his office.”

Your manager used to be on the same level as you were but was promoted a couple of months ago. Why? You absolutely have no idea. She wasn’t the best at her job, in fact, you felt like the promotion should’ve been yours. Since she became your manager, she had been passing some of her tasks to you and snatching away the credit like a fucking bitch.

Your managed narrowed her eyes at you, “The James Barnes requested for you? Why?” She asked suspiciously, hands on her hips.

Of course she would be suspicious, you never worked with James before. But the fact that you were going there for a completely different reason made you sweat.

You breathed out through your nose, shaking your head and avoiding your manager’s gaze. “I...who knows? I mean, I have no idea why. He just told me to see him in his office and that’s about it. I really don’t know the reason, why would he even ask for me? Probably not a big deal, it’s very normal to ask a subordinate into your office, right? Do you know why he asked for me?” You were a blabbering mess at this point.

Your manager scoffed, “If I did, I wouldn’t ask you.” She responded before waving a hand. “Anyway, I’ll take care of him. Go and work on the reports now. Before lunch, remember.” She commanded, pointing a finger at you before walking away.

“Wait! But I...” you trailed, looking at the folders in your hand before checking your watch. Five minutes left. “...I was gonna get fucked...” you whispered in disappointment before stomping your way back to your cubicle.

The tantrums you made when you reached your desk didn’t go unnoticed. Who wouldn’t be grumpy anyway? Your manager just cockblocked you on your way to get some D, and it’s not even some regular D. James would probably be balls-deep in you now but instead, you were getting fucked by a report that wasn’t even supposed to be your responsibility.

You were typing away on your computer when you noticed the office chatter start to die down, the loud conversations transforming into hushed whispers. The HR probably paid your floor a visit, you thought and continued to work on the report.

“Any reason why you’re here and not in my office?”

Shit.

Your whole body froze at the sound of James’ voice. No wonder the entire floor grew silent, he was always in his office or out for a meeting. He wasn’t one to visit his subordinates but here he was, standing by your cubicle and looking down at you with dark eyes.

You stood up and noticed that your colleagues were watching, whispering to each other and most definitely wondering why James paid you a little visit.

“I’m sorry, I uhh there was a—“

“Mister Barnes!” Your manager greeted, a little too chirpy, when she saw James. “I was just about to head to your office to tell you that she’s working on an important report. She’ll come to your office when she’s done. I’ll make sure of it.” She said, offering James a huge smile that made you want to gag.

James kept his eyes on you, completely ignoring your manager. You licked your lips and tried your best not to break eye contact.

“And when was it okay to bypass your boss’ orders?” James asked your manager, his eyes still trained on yours.

You bit back a smirk when your manager ended up sputtering out an apology while you and James continued eye fucking each other. While being surrounded by your colleagues. This should worry you actually, the attention you were getting from everyone else seeing that the James Barnes went out of his way to see you. You couldn’t care less at the moment though, not when James was undressing you with his gaze.

“She’s not doing any report this morning. I need her in my office.” James said and tipping his head, asking you to follow him.

You were out of your cubicle in a second and quietly trailed behind James on his way to the elevator, ignoring the curious looks from every colleague you passed by. As soon as the both of you stepped inside the elevator, the torture began yet again.

Standing beside James, a little bit closer now than before, you could feel your skin prickle with goosebumps. The thought of him being all over you in a few minutes was driving you insane. Shit, you were really down to fuck him.

“You know, I don’t like waiting.” He said, turning to you.

“I’m sorry, James. I really—“

“Ah ah ah.” James tutted, backing you up against the corner of the lift— a blind spot, to keep the both you away from the CCTV inside. “That’s not how you called me earlier. Why stop now?” He asked, resting an elbow against the wall caging you with his body.

You let out a tiny whimper, your eyes landing on James’ lips as he bit them. “I’m sorry, sir.” You whispered.

He hummed, leaning forward until his nose touched your cheekbone. “Good girl.” He whispered roughly into your ear.

Your hands found their way onto James’ necktie, tugging him down when you were unable to hold back your desire. But then the elevator dinged and the both of you scrambled away from each other when the doors slid open, revealing a few employees coming from a different floor.

A chorus of greetings for James echoed as they slowly filed into the elevator, pushing you and your boss into the very back. You let out a soft gasp when you felt James’ hands on your waist as he moved behind you, feeling his erection press against your back.

“Can’t wait to have you to myself.” He whispered, sliding a hand down to you ass, giving it a firm squeeze that almost had you keening if not for the company.

-

Just a few hours earlier you were worrying about crossing paths with your boss whom you matched with on Tinder. Now, you were still worried but only about whether you and James would get caught while his face was in between your legs as you sat on his desk.

“Oh my god, right there...fuck...” you breathed out, head thrown back when James’ tongue circled your sensitive clit.

The moment you James’ office door slammed shut, he was immediately all over you. Pinning you to the wall as he hungrily kissed you, hands wandering all over your body, gripping whatever he could.

James was desperate to have a taste of you, his eyes showed it all. But surprisingly, he managed to make you even more desperate for him than he was for you. He pulled away from the bruising kiss, made you stand still as he walked over to his desk, plopping down on his seat.

His eyes scanned you hungrily as he removed his coat, followed by his tie and then unbuttoning the cuffs of his sleeves before rolling it up to his elbows.

“Take your panties off.” James had ordered.

Your breath hitched at the roughness of his voice. Following his orders, you reached beneath your pencil skirt and slipped off your underwear and letting it fall to your ankles before stepping out of them.

“C’mere.” James said and his voice was so tender it made you feel soft.

It’s amazing how James could go from sounding soft to almost feral, now that he was lapping up your cunt like a starved man while his subordinates went on about their work just outside.

“Let me see those tits. Been wanting to see them since I saw that bikini photo you had on your profile.” James growled, reaching up to pull down the cups of your bra, setting your breasts free.

Okay, maybe you sort of overdid your Tinder profile for someone who wasn’t really interested to hook-up. It was only one beach photo though, but now you weren’t regretting uploading it, not even a bit.

You keened when James pinched a nipple at the same time he started tongue-fucking your cunt. The entire scene was straight out of a porno, like one of those Naughty America skits minus the bad acting and terrible monologue between a CEO and his secretary.

“Keep it down, will ya? Gotta stay quiet, else we might get caught.” James warned, pulling back to watch your wetness drip down from your cunt to your asshole.

You blinked your eyes as you panted, watching James as he inserted two fingers into your sopping pussy. “Fuuuuck, James...” you whimpered.

“That’s not my name, baby.” James said, stilling his fingers and chuckling when you began wiggling your hips to get some friction.

“Sir, please...” you pleaded.

“You’ve always been an obedient one, aren’t you?” James cooed, bending down to lick a stripe against your folds while pumping his fingers in and out.

“Even doing a report that isn’t even yours, so fucking obedient.” He grunted.

Your moan was cut short when James’ phone began to ring, your eyes widening in panic when he answered it with nonchalance as if his fingers weren’t knuckle deep in your pussy.

“Hi, about time you called. You have any updates about the deal? He asked casually as he stood up from his seat.

James went on to discuss business with whoever it was on the other line. And this was all the while you sat on his desk with your skirt bunched up to your waist and legs wide open. You were about to close your legs, thinking that this rendezvous needed to be put on hold, but James was quick to grab your thigh to stop you from doing so.

You made a face at him, incredulous that he didn’t seem to have any plans of stopping. In fact, he started unbuckling his belt while keeping his eyes on you.

“Excuse me, can you hold for a sec?” James spoke into the phone before putting his mic on mute.

“Not a damn sound.” He told you and raised an eyebrow, waiting for a response.

Your mouth parted and you weren’t sure anymore whether you were nervous or aroused that your boss was about to fuck you while having a conversation over the phone. James pinched the inside of your thigh when you failed to respond.

“Yes, sir.” You quickly breathed out with a nod.

“Hi, sorry about that. Where were we?” James asked as he unzipped his pants.

Tinder never really piqued your interest that much. It was truly boredom that made you download it. There have been times when you felt like the app had its favorites; hearing your friends gush about this amazing guy they met through the app and all that shit. You almost gave up on the app that Friday night but thank goodness James appeared right before you called it quits.

If your friends were lucky for bagging an amazing guy on Tinder, it was safe to say that you hit the fucking jackpot because not only was James an amazing guy in general, but he had a very, very impressive cock as well.

You felt your pussy throb at the sight of his cock, springing free from the confines of his Calvin Kleins. It was thick and the vein on the underside of his shaft was so prominent you might as well give it a standing ovation.

James ran a tongue over his bottom lip, taking it in between his teeth when he stepped in between your legs to slide his cock along your folds. That gesture alone made your eyes roll to the back of your skull as you threw your head back from the pleasure.

James casually talked on the phone as he lined the tip of his cock to your entrance. Placing a finger on his lips to remind you to stay quiet, he watched your face as he slowly slid inside. You choked on your moan when you felt a slight sting from how his cock was stretching you out. Inch by inch, James pushed himself inside of you until he was fully sheathed.

He stretched you out so fucking good that you suddenly clenched around him, making James cough into the phone to mask the grunt that escaped his lips.

“Fuck.” He breathed out. “That sounds like a tight plan, Sam.” James said through gritted teeth, looking at you pointedly as if warning you to stay put.

James started off with slow, languid thrusts, gauging for your reaction to ensure that you wouldn’t make any noise. Unfortunately for you though, James was hitting all the right spots and it would only be a matter of time that you’d end up whimpering as he fucked you onto his desk.

He sped up his thrusts, pushing into you with more force making you slide up onto his desk every time he slammed back in. Your elbows were aching from how you were leaning your entire weight against them but fuck, you wanted to remain in that position to watch James’ cock disappear into your cunt.

James appeared to be struggling from holding back as well, seeing how his face was turning red and how the veins on his neck were starting to show up. His free hand gripped your thigh tightly, keeping your legs open as he began to speed up his pace.

One particular thrust made you see stars and unconsciously, you let out a moan that immediately turned into a gasp when James wrapped his free hand around your throat.

“That sounds great, Sam. When are you free to meet to further discuss the details?” James asked, his eyes glued onto yours as he pounded into you mercilessly.

His grip around your throat tightened each time you squeaked out the tiniest noise. You were so out of it now; James was fucking you so good that it slipped your mind that you were at work and that James was, well, your boss— the CEO of the company actually.

James could feel your pussy flutter around his cock and quickly put his phone on mute before grunting, “C’mon, baby. Cum for me, make a mess on my cock.”

His command spurred you on and your climax hit you with no warning at all. The coil in your abdomen simply snapped, reducing you into a trembling mess as you came around James’ cock the same time he let go of your throat, only to cover your mouth with his hand as you let out a long, muffled whimper.

“Great, I’ll have my secretary schedule the meeting then. It was great talking to you, Sam.” James literally let his phone slip from his hand as soon as the call ended.

He held your waist with both hands as he chased his own orgasm, fucking you harder until he slipped out and came on your mound.

“Fuck...” he panted as he jerked off his cock, milking it until your folds were covered in his release.

Holy fucking shit, your boss was truly down to fuck. And it was one hell of a fuck too.

-

You had just finished cleaning up yourself when you somewhat regained your consciousness. Now what? This was what you were worried about, the aftermath of fucking the CEO.

“You good?” James asked as he sat down on his chair.

You nodded and tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, “Yes, sir.”

“Bucky.” James corrected.

“I’m sorry?” Wait, what?

James shrugged, “If we’re going to start working closely, I prefer if you called me by my nickname.” He explained.

You frowned, “I don’t understand?”

What the hell was going on? James sorted through the stack of his papers on his desk (most of which were crumpled when you ended up grabbing them as he fucked you) and handed one over to you.

“You’re promoted as the head of your department.” He announced with a small smile.

Now you were offended. Did he promote you for letting him fuck you? Was this his plan all along? You couldn’t understand a single thing that was going on and James was attentive enough to figure out what you were thinking. You stared at the formal letter discussing your promotion and then back up at James.

“The promotion has nothing to do with us fucking.” He reassured. “Do you think I don’t pay attention to my employees? I know each and everyone in this company, their performance and how they do their jobs. And you...” James said, standing up and walking around his desk until he stood in front of you.

“I’ve been watching you for quite a while now. You have impressive skills. Your reports are exquisite, you know how to manage a team, you’re very smart. Quite the entire package.” He explained with a shrug.

“I’m not sure how my manager will take this given that—“

“That promotion was supposed to be yours but I asked the HR to give it to her instead. You deserve being more than just becoming a manager so now you’re a department head. You’re required to directly report to me moving forward.” James bit his lip as he tipped your chin.

You were at a loss for words. All this time, you thought that your hardwork and efforts haven’t been paying off.

“What do you say?” He asked, tilting his head. “And just so we’re clear, the promotion has been decided before I even stumbled upon your Tinder profile.” He explained.

You let out a chuckle, still unable to believe what had just happened. Your boss fucked you, gave you one of the best orgasms in your entire life and also gave you a promotion. Talk about good fucking luck, all thanks to Tinder.

“Uh I...yes...I’m accepting the promotion.” You said excitedly.

“Good.” James said, taking a step back from you giving you your space back.

“The announcement of the promotion will be e-mailed in a few. Congratulations and I’ll see you tonight.” James said with a smirk.

You narrowed your eyes at him, “Tonight?”

“Yeah, we’ll celebrate your promotion. You’re not just the head of your department, baby. You’re mine now.”

-

Everything Bucky Tag List:

@ddowii @jessou893 @stealapizzamyheart @bagelofthelord @mxnt @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable @jeeperky @ohladymacbeth @wildflowergubler @supraveng @twinerd14 @buckysmar  @bakugouswh0r3 @sweetcoldharmony @wintersfilm @charminivy @amelia-song-pond @iamvalentinaconstanza @mcubqrnes @i’m-squished @tcc-gizmachine @sipsteacasually @prettyintopeerpressure @weloveyasmin @est19xxshit @bloodhon3yx @dressed-in-prada @lizette50 @thatfangirl42 @sunflowerbunny2​ @unmagically​ @okiegirl24 @sugarpunch-princess @enlyume @vvipgotbb @slimeyderp @lyoongx @just-deka @nobody-will @jaziona92 @elisebuitron @dpaccione @suvikamahes98blr @buckybarneshairpullingkink @earthtonav @x-judyjude-x @nani-kenobi @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @belladonnabarnes​ @iloveangstposts @weenersoldierr​ @asemistablehundredyearoldman​ @reidbuck​ @lizzarooni​ @girlfriday007​ @5-seconds-of-mendes​ @whoth3hellisbucky​​ @bonkywobble​ @lost-in-the-stars03 @its-yasbxtch @twinerd14 @bluehour-553​

The Match Special Tags:

@marvelslag​ @weird-mumbling​ @propertyofpoeandbucky​ @lostinthoughtsandfeelings​ @mostly-marvel-musings​ @squishybabies​ @megzdoodle​ @little-baby-vixen​ @annathesillyfriend​ @xhollycowx​ @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @5-seconds-of-mendes​ @gogolucky13​ @countonthesun​ 

[recollins]

Okay but imagine Spencer with a 4’10” girlfriend, though. When he brought her to family dinner for the first time and the jokes that would ensue (most of them from Morgan of course). Bonus father lecture from Hotch if she happened to be a survivor of an unsub the BAU put away. She would be so jealous of JJ if it was before Will came along.

Okay but this was super adorable and I loved it! I was going to add in the Hotch and JJ stuff, but honestly this is over 1300 words (oops) and I had to force myself to stop 😅I hope you like this!

Pairing: Spencer x Female Reader Words: 1,318 Content: Fluff Warnings: Teasing/mocking Masterlist

--

Dating an FBI agent wasn’t something you’d ever seen yourself doing, but Spencer Reid just wasn’t a man you could resist. You’d been drawn to him the moment he’d walked into your bookstore. It wasn’t his striking eyes, or the sharpest jawline this side of the Rocky Mountains, or the sweater vest that insisted on fitting him illegally well. Hell, it wasn’t even the breathtaking smile he’d fixed you with the moment you’d met his gaze.

It was the way you’d seen him admiring the books along the shelves as he walked by, his slim fingers dancing over the spines, soft pink lips fluttering as he read the titles to himself, smiling at a few he apparently recognized. A man with an appreciation for good literature was your weakness, and you’d fallen for him instantly.

He’d been there working the recent string of murders – local small business owners that had been tortured and killed all over town. He and his partner, Morgan, had spent almost twenty minutes asking you about anyone that might fit the description of their profile. It sounded a lot like Kevin, a shifty worker you’d had to let go a few days back, and after they got his information they’d left on their hunt.

When it turned out you had unfortunately been spot-on about Kevin – confirmed when he broke in that night to get his revenge for you firing him – it had been Spencer that’d pulled you to safety. He’d stayed with you all that night, even driving you home once you’d been cleared to leave the scene.

And then a week later, it’d been Spencer you found perusing the aisles of your bookstore again under the guise of a “post-case welfare check”. That had been almost two months ago, and now that you’d officially become a couple he insisted you properly meet his team. Not that you’d been putting it off or anything, but… there were a few concerns you knew they’d have with your relationship.

“There’s nothing against dating someone involved in a case,” Spencer told you for the hundredth time, giving your hand a squeeze as the two of you headed up the sidewalk towards the restaurant. Though it looked like a romantic gesture, both of you knew it was just to keep you from bolting the opposite direction.

“Okay, but won’t it be weird to them?” you pushed back, also for the hundredth time. Spencer shook his head and said simply,

“No, (y/n), it won’t be. I promise you. They’re all dying to meet you, and I really want you to get to know them. They’re my family.”

Which was the only reason you’d finally relented to dinner. You sighed and murmured, “yeah. I know. I just… I’m already awkward as it is and I really want them to like me, Spence.”

“They already do because of how happy you make me,” he promised, tugging you to a stop. When you turned to look up at him – quite a feat for your 4’10” self – his gaze softened. “If you really don’t want to go, we don’t have to. I’d never force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

With a sigh, you gave him a sweet smile and said simply, “I want to meet them, and this is important to you. I’m fine, really. I’m just nervous.”

“I’ll be right beside you the whole time,” he promised, giving your hand a squeeze, looking more excited now that you’d assured you were okay with this. How could you deny him anything when he was this adorable?

“You’re lucky I like you,” you teased, allowing yourself to be lead inside the restaurant. Spencer looked down at you and said honestly,

“I really am.”

--

Spencer couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this happy. Having (y/n) laughing and enjoying a meal with his team – his family – was something he never knew he needed until now. There’d been a small ripple of surprise when the others recognized her, but it had only been temporary because almost immediately Garcia – who hadn’t met her – wanted to know the story of how they’d met.

And that’s how Morgan had gotten started.

At first it was just a quip of, “don’t know how she even saw us, standin’ behind that counter”. Spencer had caught the jab at her height, but if (y/n) noticed she didn’t comment. Spencer hadn’t at first. When the waitress asked about drinks and Morgan threw out, “you gotta be this tall to order from this menu,” Spencer had given him a pointed frown, but stayed quiet.

When she’d asked Emily to pass the salt and Morgan had teased, “you want me to grab you a booster seat, (y/n)?” Spencer had sighed, “Morgan.” His best friend looked up, gave him a mischievous grin, and threw a wink before asking if (y/n) needed him to cut up her chicken for her.

Thankfully, Morgan had to stop talking in order to eat, and Rossi had gotten the table on a heated discussion to keep things interesting. Unfortunately, everyone had a few drinks by now and things were starting to take off.

���Pineapple does belong on pizza, Derek Morgan, and I will fight you on that,” Emily threatened, waving a fork precariously in his direction as Morgan made a face and shook his head.

“Right, like I’m gonna take that from the woman who doesn’t think pickles belong in peanut butter,” he scoffed, getting another wave of protest from Emily, Rossi, and – to Spencer’s surprise – (y/n).

She shook her head at him and laughed, “Pineapple pizza is one thing, but I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere. Why would you even put pickles in peanut butter? That’s disgusting!”

“Ay, uh-uh,” he mumbled around a bite of potatoes. He held his hand out a few inches over her head and teased, “you gotta be this tall to have your opinions count!”

(Y/n) rolled her eyes, and though she laughed with the others, Spencer had had enough. Morgan caught his glare and raised his brows in question.

“Morgan, enough. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mock my girlfriend –“

“Oh come on pretty boy! Don’t go gettin’ short with me –“

“Morgan I swear to god –“

“That’s (y/n)’s job!”

The others laughed and irritably Spencer tossed his fork down, his patience gone. To his surprise, though, (y/n)’s small hand settled comfortingly on his knee beneath the table. She gave him a reassuring smile, and then then winked unexpectedly before turning back to Morgan.

“It’s alright, Spence. Don’t get mad at him. Morgan wouldn’t know what to do – he’s got no experience with hairy situations.”

Hotch snorted into his wine and the rest of the table dissolved into laughter at the look of shock on Morgan’s face. He gaped at (y/n), who smirked at him smugly as she took another bite.

“Did you just – did she – she made a bald joke!” Morgan gasped, jaw hanging open as the others laughed harder.

“I did. I know that was a little hard to see coming with the blinding reflection your head gives off…” (y/n) teased, and for a heartbeat, Spencer thought he was actually upset.

In the next moment, though, Morgan was just laughing and shaking his head with the others. He gave Spencer a grin and told him honestly,  

“Alright, kid. You picked a good one, so you better hold onto her.” There was a pause, and Morgan snickered as he added, “I mean, we don’t want her getting lost in some tall grass…”

The table dissolved into laughter and Spencer finally joined in. His hand came to rest over the one (y/n) still had on his knee, and she glanced up to meet him with a happy grin. She fit seamlessly with his family and again, he couldn’t believe he’d managed to find someone as amazing as her.

Yes, he was very lucky she liked him. Very lucky indeed.

[snarktheater]

Shadowhunters — Episode 2x12

You know, the more I delve into this show, the less I feel like it even deserves the snark treatment. I mean, look at this episode. It's…okay. Spoiler warning? Nah, it's just a statement of my opinion, I guess it's fine.

But yeah. This episode…it's fine. And in hindsight, while the show is flawed, it's…fine. It's not great, but definitely not bad enough to be worth this. So sometimes I'm like…why even bother? I mean, I can't even claim that snarking it is the only way I'll take the time to watch, since…you know. It's been a few months and season 3 is almost upon us. Again. Oops.

Existential crisis in the intro of my own posts aside, I'm going to finish this season at least, but I will have to do some soul searching eventually regarding season 3. And maybe it's just because this episode was all right and I'm just second-guessing myself for no good reason. That is very possible.

We left off our heroes with Magnus and Valentine having been body-swapped by the Greater Demon Azazel. That's not just to fuck with the heroes, mind you: Azazel wants the Mortal Cup too, and he wants Valentine to get it for him, which he can't do from a cell at the Institute.

Valentine, meanwhile, is freaking out about being in the body of a warlock, because racism, and if you think this won't actually impact the plot beyond one scene at the start…well, you're right. I guess hypocrisy is already part of his character, since he uses demons and magic even as he despises them, but this is on a whole new level, considering he's flinging spells like he's been doing it his whole life by the end of the episode. As you do, I guess.

But for now he's struggling to even Portal, let alone get the Cup. I mean, he also says the Cup is protected and he couldn't get to it as a Downworlder, but I'm not sure if he's lying to Azazel or genuine about that. Mostly because it never comes to that.

That's enough about Valentine for now. Let's check on our heroes. By which I mean Clary and Simon in bed, which is totally a visual I needed. Thanks, show. I'll skip over the banter and cut to the chase: Clary hasn't told Simon that Jace isn't her brother, while Simon hasn't told her that Raphael is blackmailing him for being a Daylighter. So, you know, healthy relationship stuff right there!

Clary's called away to deal with Azazel, and Simon…well, he's mostly stuck in his subplot this episode, as he tends to do for a surprisingly huge part of this show, now that I think about it. I wonder if someone, somewhere, is making a Simon-less cut of this show, and how much of the central plot would actually change, but I'd wager it's not that much.

Regardless, I'll get to his subplot first, because it's shorter that way. Isabelle's come back from the depths of addiction with Sebastian's help (of course), and so he asks her for help dealing with Raphael.

"I heard you guys were kinda seeing each other and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out doing that thing you're really good at, you know, making a man bend to your every will."

One: that's a really fucked-up thing to say. I mean, it's horribly reductive of Isabelle's character and strength, especially since she hasn't really manipulated many people with sex in the show, all things considered. Plus, it erases Raphael's asexuality, which I'll remind you is textual in the show. I guess you could say Simon doesn't know, but Isabelle does and doesn't react.

Two: that also sounds like Simon wants to use sex to manipulate Raphael himself, and you know what? Why not.

Anyway, Isabelle tells him about the venom addiction, but she has another plan: to go visit Rosa Santiago, Raphael's sister (and therefore an old lady in a retirement home). Isabelle has Simon take a picture of her as counter-blackmail, because here's no way this could go wrong, right?

So it goes wrong, and Raphael Portals to the Jade Wolf (where Simon and Isabelle are celebrating victory) in the middle of the day to kill him. Because Raphael's also incredibly stupid, I guess. Sure, Luke's pack is a little understaffed right now, but again: broad daylight, and Raphael came with two vampires and a warlock. So he's easily chased off, but not before the other vampires see Simon in sunlight and figure out he's a Daylighter. On the plus side, that means things are actually moving there, so…yay?

Oh, also, before the attack, Isabelle told Simon about Jace and Clary not being related, so of course, at the end of the episode he confronts her. It doesn't go anywhere, but it does give us a moment of Simon being pissy about the whole thing (and I don't mean about her hiding it, that's a legit problem; I mean he's instantly jealous again), in case I'd forgotten why I don't like Simon.

I will also mention that Isabelle and Simon get another scene, where they're out at night after the whole debacle. And if you thought they'd run into vampires and we'd find out word has already spread about Simon…well, no, it's here mostly for ship tease, because Rosa thought they were a couple.

"Hey don't worry about Jace not being Clary's brother. Rosa's right, you're a catch."

Subtle.

But I still like this scene, because Simon tells her his mom's also recovering from addiction (I think alcoholism?) and tells her she should go to meetings, and she agrees to do it. I mean, this addiction subplot has been…a problem, but I'll take the silver lining. And the acknowledgment that she's not 100% back to normal.

Okay, with that bit of pointlessness out of the way, back to the actual plot. For once in their lives, our heroes did the right thing and warned everyone that Azazel was loose, and Imogen Herondale is even smart enough to wait until the crisis is over before considering punishment for even summoning him in the first place.

"To catch the Greater Demon you summoned to the Institute, defying all protocol—and common sense?"

I mean, she does get a rightful amount of sass, but still. I like her much better than her season 1 incarnation—or her book counterpart. If/when she dies I might feel sad about it, too.

Isabelle, who as I already mentioned is much better regarding her addiction, convinced Sebastian to come along to the Institute (or…"convinced", I guess I should say, because…come on, of course he wanted to become part of the group). And since he just so happens to be an expert in Greater Demons, he provides them with all the information they need on Azazel's weakpoint. Which is just…a spot on his spine, while in human form. If you think this is boring, you're right. If you think this means the show's already tired of Azazel, you're also right.

See, Alec doesn't fully trust Sebastian (and rightfully so, but we're not supposed to know that, guys). So he goes to Magnus for help tracking down Azazel. Of course, it's actually Valentine, and also, Azazel's actually there to force Valentine to give him the Cup, so Alec shoots him…right in the weak spot, banishing him back to whatever Hell dimension he's from. That's…maybe ten minutes into the episode, by the way.

So what's the rest of our plot about? Well, the body-swapping issue. See, Valentine did apparently trust Azazel to return him to his body (or at least a Shadowhunter body, Azazel's wording seemed to hint at the latter) and even tried to stop Alec from banishing him. But now that he's gone…well, we gotta find another solution. And to compound the whole issue, Magnus (in Valentine's body) is being tortured for information he doesn't have, no one believes his claim to be Magnus Bane, and Imogen decides partway through the episode to have him executed because she'll never manage to get the Cup's location out of him.

And I don't know how I feel about that last part. I mean, it's probably her prerogative as Inquisitor, but you'd think the Clave would want someone as high profile as Valentine to at least show up in Alicante as a prisoner, if only for the optics of it? Plus, it seems she acknowledges that torture won't work (and therefore, that she's aware it doesn't always work), but then…why torture him at all? And why skip straight to execution? If you know torture is unreliable, why not use other methods?

Sadly, these are all ethical issues the show will not address today.

Well, anyway. Magnus does manage to tell Alec stuff about their offscreen relationship history that makes Alec wonder if he might be telling the truth. If you think this will matter, you are wrong, by the way.

Because meanwhile, Valentine has Dorothea teach him magic, claiming to have lost his memories during the fight with Azazel. Dorothea sounds dubious of it, and even notices that he sounds and acts like Valentine, but she still teaches him, so…chuck that up as another weird point that won't be addressed, I guess.

With magic, Valentine takes Jace hostage, and offers to trade him for his freedom (and his body back). So, as I said, Alec realizing Magnus is really Valentine and vice versa goes nowhere, because he plays along the Inquisitor's plan until the very last minute, and even then, he only changes his mind because Valentine makes his move, not…you know, because of love or trust in Magnus or anything silly like that.

Before I proceed, I guess I should mention the other subplot in this episode. Remember how Clary's sun rune failed against Azazel? Yeah, apparently this is a thing and she can't use her fancy special runes anymore. So when, post-Alec banishing Azazel, Imogen asks to test Jace and Clary's abilities, she agrees, going against Jace's advice to never trust the Clace. That test, by the way, is pointless, safe for this eventually-ironic exchange between Jace and Clary:

"Can't be easy being a Herondale." "Oh, yeah. Must be tough being like Shadowhunter royalty. All this power, prestige."

What is relevant is that after that (and Clary still failing to use her runes), Sebastian comes for a one-on-one with Clary, telling her her problem might be emotional, since she lost her mother and then "lost" her brother when it turned out Jace isn't her brother, and therefore she has no family left. It's…a weird statement, but it's made by a villain, so I'm going to assume he's correct and manipulating Clary.

Okay, now that you're caught up on that, back to our hostage situation. One, Imogen agrees to a rescue, because Valentine reveals that Jace is her grandson, which he proves by…showing her he took the Herondale family ring off of Céline Herondale's corpse. Who was…only a Herondale by marriage, and doesn't really prove that Jace is her son, but whatever, we'll roll with it because we all know he's telling the truth, for a change.

So they let Magnus (in Valentine's body) go to Magnus's flat, where the real Valentine is waiting with Jace. Alec, Clary and Sebastian are secretly following—Sebastian being there at Clary's insistance, because I guess the Institute had no other Shadowhunter to spare and all these extras we keep seeing are just the maintenance crew or something.

Anyway, Valentine (still in Magnus's body and with Magnus's magic) turns on the wards that protect Magnus's flat, so they can't get in to capture him / prevent him to escape / get Magnus and Jace back. So it's up to Clary and her special runes to break through…which she only manages after Sebastian pushes her to embrace her feeling of grief over her mom's death and "losing" Jace. Which…I guess is something she really did feel grief over? She literally starts crying, then angry-drawing her rune, and it works.

And it's…a weird moment. What is Sebastian's point here? Is this some kind of Dark Side of the Force, "embrace your emotions to be stronger" deal? Is there some other plan going on, like he's trying to make her feel grief over having no family left so that she'll love him more once he reveals he's her brother? I don't know.

Meanwhile, Magnus and Valentine trade bodies again with a spell in Latin that's…close, but still wrong.

"Relite animus nostrus in earum corpora."

"animus nostrus" is singular, and I'm not entirely sure how Latin handles the distributive, but I would have used he plural. And even if the singular is correct here, then "corpora" is plural and you need to change that. Either way, one of them is wrong.

"Relite" feels like it should be a verb based on "ire" to mean "to go back", but…no, you were thinking of redire, which in the imperative should be "redite". Of course the imperative is also wrong, since imperative doesn't work with the third person, so you should have gone with the subjunctive (this is even what happens in English, by the way, you wouldn't say "our souls, go back to our own bodies", you'd say "let our souls go back to our own bodies"), so…redeat/redeant? Depending on whether it is singular or plural.

"Earum" means, literally "of these [people, feminine]". So for starters, you wanted to go "eorum" since they're men. Unless Harry Shum was botching the pronunciation, I mean. Then there's the fact that it's badly used. Yes, using the demonstrative in the genitive case as a third person possessive is, when the possessor is not the subject of the sentence, is the right way to go (so instead of saying "his/her/their", you say "of him/her/them"). The problem here is that…the possessor is not third person. I mean, it's right there, two words earlier: "nostrus". Our. Because you're the ones speaking this, and also the ones who own the bodies. Now, I guess they were going for something along the lines of "our own", which I'm honestly not sure how to express in Latin, but am certain this isn't it.

Yes, I just did that. I'm that petty. And bored. Cut me some slack. You should know what to expect on this blog by now.

Anyway, they get their bodies back, the gang comes in before Valentine can escape, and Valentine is locked up again. This episode does feel pretty pointless when you look at it like that: all it did was undo the cliffhanger from the last episode. And get Sebastian into the Institute, which is non-negligible.

I will say that I appreciate the wrap-up this episode features, though. Alec apologizes to Magnus for the torture he underwent. I don't think Alec did any of it himself—the worst he got was yelling at Magnus for…saying he was Magnus—but since Alec did almost stand by while he was executed, an apology is the least Magnus deserves.

And I've gotta wonder why it is that this season keeps putting Alec in the bad spot here. Because it does. And I guess it's progress to making Magnus do tons of shitty things to Alec, but this…isn't really an improvement for their relationship as a singular entity.

Speaking of apologies, Sebastian also apologizes if he upset Clary by making her embrace grief and whatnot. She's fine with it, because it restored her rune ability and she was feeling pointless without it. No, really, she said that earlier. He also asks her out to dinner, and so for the first time in my life, I'm glad that Clary is currently dating Simon, because that means she turns him down. Dodged that bullet. For now.

And finally, we end the episode on Imogen accepting Jace as her grandson.

"Now I know where that bold defiance of yours comes from. You're just like your father."

The guy who betrayed everything you and your family stood for and joined an extremist cult where he was killed? Yeah, that's not as big a compliment as the show seems to think.

But yeah, she tells him he has a family now, and a pretty noble one at that. So, again, we'll ignore Stephen and also Imogen herself, who I'm pretty sure tried to kill Isabelle last season and now almost killed Magnus. Not to mention, wanted to kill Valentine, because fuck due process or even letting others try to get valuable intelligence out of him.

"Now, my boy, you are about to find out what it means to be a Herondale."

Well, when you put it like that, it almost sounds ominous.

And that's the episode. And yeah, I've ranted a lot more than I thought myself capable, but I still stand by my stance from earlier.

Sure, it didn't accomplish much, although we did get progress on the Simon front. And it didn't fall for obvious pitfalls with the bodyswapping plot (I was especially worried they'd have some kind of sexual interaction between Alec and not-Magnus, which thankfully didn't happen), so I'll call that a win? Or at least, not a loss.

Also: special shout-out to Harry Shum Jr, who was absolutely spectacular as Valentine in Magnus's body. Because I'm sure my opinion matters a lot to him.

[chikicha]

Okay, it’s time to share my Westworld thoughts. Now that I’ve snuck over to the Westworld reddit and read some information, I’m less “??????????????????” than I was two days ago, so my thoughts have less question marks in them :P

I don’t think anyone who follows me watches Westworld, so this is me basically just talking aloud to myself:

I will be continuing to check the #westworld and #clementine tags until someone’s gif’d the sequence that was most DEFINITELY a direct reference to The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - with Clementine and her horse very obviously being Death - so I can reblog the frick out of it. (EDIT: IT WAS GIF’D!) Clementine made for such a wonderful representation of this because of how.. well, “dead” she looked. Her skeletal facial structure and that expression she kept on her face.. it was incredibly gorgeous imagery.

I’m annoyed that we never received an explanation for Maeve getting OP mind-control powers. There has to be SOME explanation for it, right? I thought maybe Ford orchestrated it, until Ford made Bernard stand close so he could deliver the message “whoa I just meant for you to escape but you came back holy crap you’re a pretty cool gal, didja know you’re my favorite? anyways pls don’t die yet, okay bye”. Her power was just so absurdly OP that I kept waiting all season for the Deep Underlying Reason™ behind it, but it never came. (Unless it just completely went over my head?) The biggest reason I’m annoyed about this is because of the writing; it seemed like a very cheap way to escape conflicts her and the gang otherwise wouldn’t have been able to escape from. The writing seemed especially cheap around the Shogun era episodes, where her abilities did or didn’t work depending on whether they wanted the characters in conflict or to escape conflict. (“You can’t command them ‘cause you’re not doing it in their language” “Oh guess what you know every language ever, but I guess you still can’t command them” “Hey but now you can command them with your mind!”) I feel like most people’s Maeve thoughts have been “YYAAAASS QUEEN YOU’RE SO POWERFUL” while I’ve been standing in a corner going “...this feels like really cheap writing .__.” (I still love Maeve as a character, I just don’t like her superpower.)

I suppose we still have a chance that season 3 might provide an explanation, but I’m wary. Her power was introduced too early in this season to be a “Oooh, cliffhanger that will only be answered in the next season!” thing. Plus I thought it was gonna be some deep intricate Ford-orchestrated thing to make certain season 2 events get rolling the way he wanted them to. ..But it wasn’t.

I freaking KNEW William would be a robot (or something else fake) that didn’t know it!! ...However, I definitely didn’t predict anything else about what happened with him. :P Plus now I’m pretty sure the William we saw during season 2 was human. (An interview confirmed that the post-credits scene is a “future” William in the “far, far, future”.) Tumblr user @dare-to-do-our-duty‘s theory was my first exposure to the “Fake!William is being tested to see if there’s any way he goes through the experience without killing his daughter” idea, and I’ve gotta agree with something along the lines of that. 

Wanting to kill himself but not being able to (when it showed him pointing a gun to his head, I thought there was a chance they were gonna use that to reveal that he can’t die ‘cause he’s a robot or something) while also being stuck in some endless loop of a game is a pretty torturous hell. And very Black Mirror-esque, which is why I loved the James Delos thing as well as this concept. They’re things I can easily imagine being in a Black Mirror episode. So would William ACTUALLY do that to himself? ..Then again, he now appears to really hate himself, so yeah, I kinda think he would.

I’m curious about if there’s any scenes other than the post-credits scene we saw that were actually from Fake!William’s timeline instead of human William’s timeline. (It’s not like it would be easy for us to tell.) I know everybody’s already pointed out how he took 230492398 bullets but still didn’t die.. but, well, you know how TV shows can be sometimes. :P

Why was Dolores bulletproof against William?? Did I completely miss something??? I’ve even been googling this and can’t find an answer

In the post-credits scene, William says, “I’m already in the thing, aren’t I?” Emphasis on “A L R E A D Y”. I think this implies that he came up with the idea for this fairly shortly after he killed Emily. (At the very least, he came up with the idea before he reached the Forge.) This is why he uses the word “already”, because in his mind he’s probably like, “God dammit. I came up with this idea and looks like I actually went and did it. God dammit. I went through with it, and now here I am as one of the fakes. God fucking dammit.”

My lurking on the reddit helped me understand that William didn’t like his user profile and wanted to prove that it’s possible for him, a human, to change (through putting himself in these loops). You know, the opposite of what Digital!Logan says. Thanks, reddit. (I mean that genuinely, not sarcastically)

I suspect that the moment William kills Emily is his equivalent of James Delos always coming back to the scene where he talks to Logan for the last time. That’s probably what stays the same each loop, unfortunately. 

“I’m nothing like you.” YEAH NO, SORRY DOLORES, WILLIAM IS A WORSE PERSON THAN YOU BUT YOU CAN’T SAY YOU’RE “NOTHING” LIKE HIM. You freaking maxed the aggression level of the most pure cinnamon roll character of the series (Teddy) against his will, and he’s such a cinnamon roll that even at his max aggression, he killed himself (and didn’t kill you) because of what you did to him. So no, sorry, you don’t get to claim you’re NOTHING like William >:l

Dang, what’s with the amount of people on Tumblr that want William actually GONE from the series? I understand you’re supposed to root against the villain and all, but I never thought I’d be THIS alone in enjoying some good ol’ fashioned well-written, well-acted, fictional villainy on screen. I know most of my favorites tend to be villains and anti-heroes, but still. Hot Take™: Would Tumblr hate him less if he were attractive? ..Nevermind, pretend I didn’t say that >.>

I hated Lee during season 1, so I’m pretty impressed at how much season 2 got me to like him!! I LOVE THAT HE GOT TO GIVE HIS OWN WRITTEN SPEECH ;__; His death made me genuinely sad not just because of that, but because I think he’s one of the few characters that genuinely won’t be coming back.

On that note, I didn’t mourn any of the other 230498 character deaths (except maybe Elsie’s), ‘cause come on now, you KNOW they’re coming back from robot death. :P I’m sure Felix and whatshisname will help bring Maeve back, for example. I’m serious.

I liked Stubbs’ last scene, heh (and no, I don’t think he’s a robot; in this context, him being human is actually cooler)

I’m doubtful about whether or not any of Dolores’ brain balls are Teddy. Seems to me like he’s the only one she thinks deserves robot heaven.

Charlotte being Dolores wasn’t as cool as a plot twist to me as it was impressive that Charlotte’s actress could pull off Dolores’ persona so well. I feel like there weren’t enough hints or foreshadowing to give it that “WHOA” factor, unlike season 1′s “William = Man in Black” twist. (Which had a ton of hints, making me super annoyed at myself for not seeing it earlier. :P) I’m not finding myself looking back on season 2 and going “OHHHHHHH”, is what I mean. The writing made this a lackluster twist, in my opinion.

I LOVED how Ford’s “death = becoming music” thing was extended to how people’s coding was represented in the Forge!!

Bernard’s confusion throughout the season irked me ‘cause it mirrored my own confusion too closely for comfort, haha

Me: Hey Bernard, can you please go back to your regular straight-thinking self so that I can know what’s going on again? Bernard: Actually, since I know important stuff I can’t let others know, I need to turn my head into scrambled eggs. Sorry. /faints Me: Gosh darn it Bernard

Even with me now knowing that Benard purposely turned his memories into scrambled eggs (and for good reason), I STILL think season 2′s absurd amount of time jumps were unnecessary. In my opinion, only a FEW of them were necessary. This is my main complaint about season 2.

Overall, I was actually kinda disappointed with season 2 because season 1 blew my mind while simultaneously making me go “OHHHHHH, WHOA”, but season 2 didn’t, plus in my opinion the writing was poor in certain areas. My favorite episodes were the one about the James Delos experiment, and the second-to-last episode about William and his family. I do enjoy the whole “we’re trying to achieve immortality for humans” plot point. Also, my opinion on Dolores is iffy, leaning more towards the negative side I think??

I uh, think I’m done now