#i have therapy in an hour and I'll probably talk about their break up and how i won't be able to get over it

[jjoejonas]

NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO

[majinael]

Kaiser, how we know him in the manga, absolutely does not know how to love and would never end up in a relationship or at least, a healthy one, so, I'll write here one of my most important works (that I'll probably refer to in a lot of my future writings), helping you guys understanding what I think is the most realistic way he could love anyone.

★TW : mentions of mental abuse, depression.

★1k words

✾ You absolutely fell in love first and stayed even after seeing him fail and witnessing the worst sides of him with your own eyes.

✾ Kaiser would eventually notice something special in you, something he didn’t see at first. As time passed, he couldn’t help being drawn to you because you saw through his facade—the ego, the arrogance—and treated him with both blunt honesty and quiet compassion.

✾ He desired you, though not in a romantic way at first. To him, you were someone he needed around, someone he didn’t want anyone else to have, almost as if you were an object to be kept.

✾ One day, you found enough courage to confess your feelings to him. To Kaiser, it was an opportunity to keep you tethered to him, to have control over you. He accepted, assuming you were the type to be so stupidly in love that you’d let anything slide—and you did.

✾ Even then, he tried to “love” you, though selfishly. He didn’t want you to leave, even if he didn’t truly know how to put you first or care for you in a way that wasn’t about his own gratification.

✾ You stayed because you saw glimpses of the person he could be, because you believed he deserved to be loved, and because you were far too attached to walk away.

✾ Over the years, however, the emotional weight of loving someone so broken—someone who was unwilling to change no matter how many arguments or breaks you endured—began to take its toll. His jealousy, his possessiveness, and his inability to communicate left you exhausted.

✾ “Why do you always forgive me, even when I don’t deserve it?” he asked one night, his frustration laced with disbelief. He thought you might have finally given up on him. You just smiled sadly and replied, “Because someone has to.”

✾ Eventually, your love alone wasn’t enough to hold you together. You left—not out of anger, but out of self-preservation. You were on the brink of losing yourself entirely.

✾ At first, Kaiser wasn’t overly concerned and was mostly in denial. He convinced himself you’d come back, just as you always had. When hours turned into days, he believed you felt the same need for him as he did for you. But as the days turned into weeks, the silence began to gnaw at him.

✾ He spiraled, masking his pain with his usual bravado—if not more exaggerated than ever. Yet when he was alone, he was consumed by thoughts of you being with someone else. The idea drove him mad, and for the first time, he felt true, raw heartbreak. He realized your leaving wasn’t an act of abandonment but a final act of love—giving him what he thought he wanted most from you towards the end: freedom.

✾ Kaiser wasn’t used to losing or feeling such despair paired with a complete loss of control. Refusing to accept the end, he did everything in his power to win you back—grand gestures, heartfelt confessions, and promises he’d never made to anyone before.

✾ Of course, you were deeply hurt and hesitant. “Words don’t mean much, Kaiser. You need to show me,” you said firmly.

✾ He offered you everything—luxury, security, anything money could buy—but you demanded something far more valuable: his willingness to change.

✾ One of your conditions for reconciliation was therapy, something Kaiser initially scoffed at. “You think talking to some stranger is going to fix me?” he said, incredulous, thinking he knew everything about psychology already.

✾ But he agreed, not just out of desperation but also because when he saw your tearful, pleading eyes filled with hope that this time it could change, he couldn’t refuse. For the first time, he understood that this was something he had to do—not even for you, but for himself.

✾ The sessions were slow and grueling, forcing him to confront parts of himself he’d buried for years—his insecurities, his fears, and his warped view of love.

✾ Over time, after almost two years, he began to heal. He learned to express his feelings in healthier ways, to apologize without deflecting, and to listen instead of always trying to be right. Winning you back wasn’t a quick process. It took years of effort, of proving he had changed—not just for you, but for himself.

✾ During this time, you were together but not entirely as close as most couples might be. You still needed proof that he had truly changed, even though you frequently told him, “I’m proud of you.”

✾ When you finally accepted him again, it was under the condition that he continued to grow. This time, he was willing to meet you halfway and love you in a way that didn’t destroy you. “You stayed when I didn’t deserve it,” he said one night. “Now it’s my turn to stay, no matter how long it takes to make things right.”

✾ You were the first person—the only person—who cared for him so deeply, who showed him what selfless, innocent, and unconditional love looked like.

✾ And, in turn, Kaiser became someone capable of deep, selfless love himself. He cherished you not as a possession but as an equal partner.

✾ The scars of your past together never fully faded, but they served as reminders of how far you had come. “You taught me how to love,” he told you one day, his voice softer than you’d ever heard it. “And I’ll spend the rest of my life proving I deserve it.”

✾ For the first time, he said the words he never thought he could mean, the words he never expected to truly feel: “I love you.”

MK:"Someone beautiful, smart, and full of love."

[caseyscraftycorner]

hey folks, this is a long one, so before i get into it i'll just put the tldr here: i'm gonna be stepping away from social media for a while. i may still post sometimes, i (probably) wont disappear entirely. but i'm going to be taking a step back and focusing on my health for a bit.

okay, long version under the cut. CWs for bipolar one and psychosis.

i'm pretty open about my mental illnesses, at least the shapes of them, and that is not limited to tumblr. if anything, i am actually less open about them here than i am irl. there's several reasons for this openness, chief among them being that i believe it is good for people like me -- people who have "severe" or "scary" mental illnesses, who are seen as normal by others -- to be open about their experiences if they have the freedom and stability to do so safely.

in 2021, after about a decade of symptoms, i was finally diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychotic and ocd features. with the diagnosis came treatment options that stabilized me so much that not only have i been stable since 2021, i also managed to quit therapy in 2022 -- and i had been in therapy since I was 7 years old.

bipolar as an illness is complicated. especially bipolar one, and especially with psychotic features. its a complication i managed to survive navigating for over a decade of no treatment, but it is, still, complicated. I experience severe depressions and worse manias. i also experience a particular hell known as "mixed episodes" which are basically all of the self-hatred of depression and all of the motivation and impulsivity of mania, which is about as dangerous as you would expect. add in the fact that i get psychosis basically instantly when i am manic (or mixed) and it becomes easy to see how this shit ends up really messy really fast.

now, as i said earlier, my medication works well for me. it has kept me stable for the last 4-ish years. but treating bipolar is always very tricky, and that is for three main reasons:

first, the medications are harsh and difficult to balance. too much and the side effects become unbearable, too little and they don't work. in addition, 'breakthrough episodes' -- mood episodes that occur while on medication -- are normal. it is essentially impossible to eliminate breakthrough episodes without worsening quality of life substantially. i (like many people with bipolar one) take enough medication that i don't get dangerously manic or depressed, and my little episodes are limited to no more than about a week or two a year.

second, bipolar, like many mental illnesses, is stress triggered. both my episode frequency and my episode severity are heavily tied to how stressed i am. if i can keep my stress minimal, i can keep my episodes infrequent and mild. i am, genuinely, very good at managing stress. i can take a lot before the consequences start to show.

third, like many with bipolar one, when i get a Bad Episode -- whether it's depression so bad i cant leave my bed or mania so severe i have lost touch with reality -- i have roughly 12-48 hours warning, and that's if im lucky. oh, and that warning comes in the form of mild mania or depression symptoms that i may or may not actually have the awareness to understand.

the reason i am spelling it out like this (besides, again, that i believe it to be important to talk about) is to demonstrate to you just how similar my brain is to a bomb. if i get too stressed and my medication cannot keep up with my symptoms, i will very rapidly enter an episode, and my episodes can become life-destroyingly severe near instantly.

everyone is stressed right now, because everything sucks. i don't need to explain that to you. but also, to call current events triggering is an understatement -- delusions i experienced for years are genuinely happening right now, and i can feel the pressure starting to build internally.

so. i'm taking a break. because i have to. because i can't not take a break right now.

i want to stress that i am safe. my husband has a good income and we have lots of savings, should we need them. i have friends and family and support to get me through this.

it wont be easy, not by any measure. but ive been through hell before. I know how to hunker down and keep myself alive, so that's what im going to do. and it'll suck, of course it'll suck. but i'll make it through this, and that's what's important right now: just making it through this.

[ddejavvu]

hey! i just broke up w my bf of almost two years today and have been really sad.

I wanted to thank you for your works bc there helping me get through this. your hotch x reader works are keeping me sane

idk if your interested but maybe a request of reader breaking up with their partner and is very sad was bc they were so busy w the bau and life so they think its best and hotch is there for her and comforts them. he has feelings for them but doesnt want to make a move bc yk newly single. but he does little things to make her feel better bc he likes to see her smile :)

this is completely self service so you dont have to write but i love you works i think ur my fav writer on here :) i hope all is well love 💜

hi lovey! first off, i'm so sorry that you're going through a breakup. I hope that this can help even just a little bit, please take care of yourself and eat something yummy <333

--

Today holds new experiences for both you and Aaron. For example, you've never seen him in sweatpants before, and he's never seen you with 4 hours worth of tear-induced eye bags.

As luck would have it, when you turn into the tissue aisle, the metal bars of another cart smash into your own. They weren't going fast, but you were, hellbent on getting what you need and getting out again, so the screeching of metal on metal only makes your headache worse.

"Sorry," You rush, keeping your eyes averted as you yank your cart away from the other. You keep conversation short, but the voice that comes from the person you'd just rammed into makes you stiffen instinctually.

"Y/N?"

It's Hotch.

It's your boss, the man who you try extra hard to be nothing but professional around. The man who's seen you only in perfectly dry cleaned pantsuits and neat hair is seeing you in pajama pants and crocs with a nose so swollen it looks like you've been stung by a bee.

"Hotch," You cringe, nodding politely as you try maneuvering your cart around his, "Sorry for bumping into you. I was in a hurry."

"I can see that," He grabs onto the bars of your cart to stop you from pushing it anywhere, and you chance a cautious look up at his face; his brow is knit in concern, and his eyes are shining with the same look. But your glance upwards reveals that his son is with him, a boy no more than four years old sitting in the cart and looking at you with a tiny hint of terror on his little face, something that probably stems from your no-makeup zombie look. He's mid-chew on a tiny handful of popcorn that he'd probably begged his dad for at the front.

"What happened?" Aaron asks, pulling your attention back to him, and you're slightly relieved he doesn't go for 'Are you alright?'. Clearly, you're not.

"Uh," You sniffle, chuckling dryly, "Bad breakup. Just- getting some tissues, that's all."

"Oh." He hums, hand loosening on your cart, "I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Um," You glance around the store, knowing not many people are there, but it would still be weird to open up a therapy session in the TP aisle, "No, it's okay. Thank you, though. Really, I appreciate it."

"Okay," Aaron nods, though none of the concern has left his expression, "But if you'd like to some other time, please remember I'm here if you need me. Even if it's late, if you need help I'll give it to you."

His sincerity brings a fresh wave of tears to your eyes that he smiles sadly at, and you smear a hand over your eyes to get rid of them, "Thanks, Hotch."

"Mhm," He hums, looking ready to let you go until his son hooks a chubby fist into his shirt.

"Hm?" Aaron looks down, and leans his head next to Jack's when the little boy tugs him closer.

They huddle for a moment, Jack whispering into Aaron's ear, and the man's hand tightens around your cart once more. Just when you thought you'd escaped.

"I think you should." Aaron nods, straightening up, glancing over, and nodding his head towards you, "Go ahead, buddy."

Jack looks up at you with that same hint of apprehension you'd seen earlier, but he digs a fist into his popcorn bucket and extends the hand to you. You actually feel your heart melting, the organ liquifying and dripping through your ribcage to pool like goo in your stomach.

"Uh- maybe," Aaron reaches for the bucket, intent on giving you a handful that hasn't touched sticky toddler hands, but you take Jack's offering without hesitation.

"Thank you, honey," You croon, and he drops the kernels into your open palm, "That does help, popcorn makes me much less sad."

"Daddy makes it for movie night." Jack's voice is soft and sweet, and you smile, sniffling weakly once more.

"Really? That sounds fun, what movies do you watch?"

"We're watching Monsters University tonight," Aaron informs you, then his posture straightens as an idea blooms in his brain, "Y'know, if popcorn makes you less sad, I think you should come and have some with us."

"Oh," Your eyes widen slightly, and you shake your head on impulse, "No, that's okay. I couldn't-"

"I'm asking you to." It's the firm voice Aaron uses whenever he's giving someone orders around the office; you suppose he can't separate his work life and home life completely.

"I don't like the thought of you being alone," Aaron admits, eyeing the ice cream already in your cart, "How about we pick up another pint and head to checkout?"

"I'll be okay," You reach for a package of tissues, extra large, "Don't worry about it, Aaron."

You don't see it, but Aaron pinches Jack's side lightly, spurring the boy into action.

"Please come over tonight," Jack begs, and you swear he's making his eyes shiny on purpose, "Mike Wazowski is funny, and you can't be sad if you're watching something funny."

Aaron raises his eyebrows at you, and you see the faint hint of a smirk playing at his lips; got you.

You take a deep breath in, speaking on the exhale, "Alright. Um, can I bring anything else?"

"Pajamas, maybe." Aaron hums, "Movie nights are always better in pajamas."

You glance disdainfully down at your outfit, ragged pajama pants and a sweatshirt, "Check."

"Perfect," Aaron chuckles, finally letting go of your cart and turning it towards the ice cream aisle, "Let's go, buddy, if Y/N's coming over tonight, you need a bath. She doesn't wanna sit with a stinky boy."

"I'm not stinky!" Jack insists, looking like he's never been more offended in his life.

Aaron leans in, theatrically sniffing at the space near Jack's shoulder. He bugs his eyes out, turning his head to the side and fake-coughing, "Woah."

Jack roars with laughter at his dad's dramatics, feet kicking at his Aaron's stomach, and the sound of his giggles make the popcorn you're munching on taste a little bit sweeter.

[plushmer]

Katsuki gets pulled into his bosses office right before lunch with is direct supervisor and boss staring at him. He has no idea what he's done this time.

"Well it seems we have a communication issue..."

Katsuki smirks cuz he fucking knows this. No one can communicate any information properly in this damn building.

"It seems some of your emails have been coming across as rude, and that you're mad. Everyone is finding it difficult to deal with you"

Katsuki's heart sinks.

He's been doing so well. He did the therapy. He's been around this specific group of professionals for 5 years! No one has complained about his attitude before?! He finally felt at home. Finally found a place he could be himself without worrying He's going to accidentally insult someone with his quick to the point answers. He's blunt. He's succinct. He gets things done with efficiency. And he had been praised in the past for it!

...then the bomb drops.

"We really love you here Bakugou. You're unreplaceable. But I'm going to be honest, I had to fight tooth and nail to keep you here. That's how bad this is"

Oh, this is an ambush

This is fear tactics

This goes on for an hour. Them telling Katsuki that he's great but he also needs to change his behavior and attitude or *hint not so subtle hint* he will be forced to resign.

Katsuki goes home for lunch and just cries. Full blown sobbing on the floor. And that's how Ejirou finds him.

"Hey! You're home early. I was just finishing up the..." Eijirou trails off.

Katsuki knows he should say something. Anything. To make Ei know he's OK. But he's not ok. And he can't talk.

Ejirou kneels on the floor and puts his hand next to Katsuki's. He's been through this before many times with him. And Kat has helped Ei though many breakdowns as well. Ejirou knows by now that sometimes touch is the wrong answer.

Katsuki grabs his hand and Eijirou's restraint breaks. He scoops Kat up against him and just holds tight until all the overwhelming emotions can subside.

When Kat finally finds his voice he tells Eijirou all that's happened. Ei is furious but he doesn't show it. These people have been in their home. Have been their friends for years. He's confused and hurt as well but let's Katsuki spill it all.

"And the worst thing is! I have to go back to WORK! I can't take the rest of the day off. I have lives on the line here!" Katsuki all but screams

"I know love. And you know what? You're great at what you do. You have friends that support you. And I'll be here when you get back" Eijirou replies

The rest of the day is a haze. Katsuki keeps dropping things. He ran into a wall at some point. Even the intern asked if he was OK.

He's not that teenager that can't reply with simple kindness anymore. He's thirty fucking four at this point. He spend 15 years straight moving from place to place with Eijirou always right behind or beside him the whole way.

That's probably why this hurt so much. He finally found a place that accepted him. As himself. He wasn't pushed to be something he wasn't. He wasn't silenced. He could do his job and do it well.

So he smiles at the intern "yeh, I'm good. Just a rough day"

His smiles are not hard to earn anymore. They're given freely and are real. That's what happens when you feel safe.

But after that ... interaction ... with management. He doesn't feel safe. Not anymore. Now he has to watch his words, his tone, his mannerisms, fuck! are they going to make him stop swearing?

He's spiraling. He knows he is. He just needs to get home.

Ei's there. Kat can finally relax and watch the show they were continuing.

Everything is still a little fuzzy. Only hearing bits a pieces of Eijirou talking. He's pretty sure he should be listening but the meeting just keeps looping in his head. Katsuki forces himself to focus back in.

And then it happens. All his fears confirmed. He is actually the worst person on the planet. He doesn't deserve this job he's fought for his entire life, he doesn't deserve the friends he has, he doesn't deserve the husband who's supported him along the way because ...

Katsuki just said something and Eijirou called him rude.

*in reality. Eijirou made a joke. Katsuki said something sarcastic. And Eijirou jokingly said "~well that was rude" while laughing*

But Katsuki's not laughing. Not anymore. He's staring straight ahead and not seeing. His voice doesn't work anymore. His peripherals are gone.

And then Eijirou is in front of him. Hovering.

Then the tears, slowly, then sobbing. Eijirou slams him into a hug. They've learned before that the best way to ground Katsuki and stop a panic attack before it gets too far is to physically do it. Eijirou wraps his arms under Katsuki's armpits, grabs his shoulders, and pushes him down while squishing him into himself.

Eijirou knew what happened this time. He did this. He said something stupid. Something that usually wouldn't have any effect...

"You just confirmed I'm rude!" Katsuki hiccups between sobs

"And we've also confirmed that I'm an asshole" Ejirou whispers. "But that doesn't mean I don't deserve love. You deserve love. I need you to say it"

Those are the hardest words Katsuki can say when he ISNT having a panic attack.

"Or sign it"

So Katsuki shoves his hand into Eijirou's chest the best he can while being literally smothered in affection. His thumb, index, and pinky out. The sign for "I love you" pushing into Eijirou's chest

Eijirou doesn't notice the sign, just the pushing. "I'm not letting go until you SAY IT" Ejirou weaves his hand into Katsuki's hair to the roots and pulls "Say it. I deserve love"

The hair pulling grounds him more.

Katsuki is able to snark "eh, sometimes but not usually" and he wiggles his extend fingers on Eijirou's chest.

Eijirou finally notices the sign and that that's probably the best he's going to get for now. He pulls Katsuki's hair again for good measure and then gives him a bone crushing hug.

Katsuki actually reciprocates. Even with Eijirou, hugs are not his thing. He will always leave an arm down, or ball his fists, or go limp. But right now Katsuki is thankful. Thankful that his husband knows him so well and he wants Ei to know that it is felt, the love.

"Uraraka is on her way over" Eijirou casually states before letting Katsuki go

"Hah?! Why?"

"She's coming over so you can vent, or not, cuz I have to go to class"

"Oh, right, I forgot it was tonight" Katsuki whispers.

He hadn't even thought about the fact he would be home alone tonight while Ejirou takes his once a week emergency medical training class.

Uraraka arrives about ten minutes later. Just enough time for them to pull out her favorite blankets and clean up the tissues from crying.

Eijirou leaves, reluctantly, and gives Uraraka a look. She knows. She doesn't need to know the details but she knows something is up. She id alwayd there to talk, to listen, or to just sit and watch TV for Katsuki.

And Katsuki sits. Not knowing how to start. 'Thanks for coming over so I don't ... internally combust?' No.

Eventually Uraraka gives an opening "I haven't really done much today" she laughs "mostly stayed in bed"

"Any particular reason? Or just having a bad brain day?" Katsuki asks

"Eh. Nothing in particular. Just having a day. What about you?"

And there it was. The perfect opening.

So he tells her everything. She listens. He doesn't cry this time. And she lets him randomly pop in with extra stuff he remembers from the meeting that makes him mad even if it's not even the topic they're currently discussing.

It's good

He needed the reminder. He has friends. He has family. All who love him for who he is.

Whatever comes next at this job, good or bad, it's not the end.

He deserves to feel safe. He deserves love.

Edit: I proofread it.

[scrollypoly]

Life Update

I've been p inactive recently, especially with original posts and talking about my fic or headcanons or stuff. I kinda just wanted to talk about what's going on and what the outlook looks like rn ^^

For the past couple of years or so, I've been struggling more with what I believe is undiagnosed ADHD and possibly even autism, as well as depression and a rebound of my anxiety. This is due to a slew of things, one of which is we moved a couple years back to a new state where we didn't know anyone at all. It was a culture shock, going from a big city to a very small town (200 people!!), and while I liked the move to a more rural and peaceful area, it's not been easy.

What's been especially difficult is finding good jobs and keeping up with my college courses. My first job put me back in the closet essentially, as I would constantly be around coworkers making hateful comments and would even go so far as to harass customers that weren't gender conforming or even just decently dressed. I went from that job to working one that completely overworked me, from being yelled at for things out of my control, working long hours, and at some points not even getting my full paycheck. I left this job only a couple months ago, and I only worked it over the summer. But it was enough to completely shred my anxiety, and I'm still working on calming myself down.

All of this, coupled with the painful death of my grandmother recently, has left me feeling pretty much isolated and alone in my area, and I have yet to find good friends that I can talk to like I had back home. I still have those friends, but the persistent exhaustion of life, trying to juggle full time work hours with online classes that are a struggle for my brain, and everything else. Last month my brain just. Broke. I had been on a persistent slide of a breakdown and I was just hanging on until I could have a break.

I finally made that break for myself. Over the holidays I visited @benilos and gave myself a break. I have my next term of classes off, and I'm gonna be using the time to use my newly acquired health insurance and get 1. Diagnoses, and 2. Medication or some got dang therapy. That's the plan for now at least.

For the past couple of years now with all of this going on, writing and drawing havent really been priorities. Right now they definitely aren't, in fact I will probably be putting my fic on ao3 on a indefinite hiatus. My brain is too much of a fried egg to be able to write it, and I've been holding guilt at being unable to write for it or update it, to the point that right now I don't feel much happiness at the prospect of writing it. I won't be abandoning it, for anyone that reads it and is worried. But it is definitely going on the back burner.

In the meantime, you may see me posting generally about my AU or benilos's AU too, since we have an official crossover. I'll be trying to drum up motivation to begin working on it, and that'll come in the general vicinity of just. Talking about my stuff. Interacting with other people in this fandom still gives me anxiety spikes, iykyk, but my inbox on my side blog, and my dms are still open as well. Things are probably just gonna be slow for a little while.

If you've commented on my fic, or reblogged or liked any of my posts or art or writings, I appreciate you so much, especially if you reblog my stuff cuz no one reblogs anything anymore lol. Thank you guys for staying around this long 💗

[the-human-person-archive]

Does anyone else think it's crazy to have such an amazing friend named jar?

I feel like I haven't done enough for him yet. He's like a younger brother for me, someone who deserves the world and more. He's honestly one of the reasons why I'm still going to this day.

When I first met him, I didn't really think much of it. We were just in the same friend group and nothing more. Until, well, it became more of course. He was suffering a lot from his own suicidal thoughts and obviously I can relate because I'm no better. We both talked it through, from friend to Friend, and from that point, we became closer than we even intended.

Then, I went on my therapy break. Because, I wasn't doing the best at the time. But... The entire time, I couldn't stop but think about that friendship I made with jar. I couldn't throw it all away immediately. So I came back, the day before his birthday, and honestly I wish I could go back in time. Just... Stay there, instead of being away now. Obviously, I had to leave again because I have upcoming exams I need to focus on, but if I could go back, I immediately would.

Jar is one of the most supportive friends I ever had in my life. He's always been there for me, even when an entire discord server hated me, he was still looking out for me. I could go on for hours, and hours about how amazing jar really is. He's funny, kind, a dork, a good and loyal friend and best of all, he's himself. He's part of the only two who hasn't changed who he really is overtime. He's always stayed true to his own decisions. Never switched up because of pressure, and had always found a way to get through all the trauma we've been through over the past 6 - 8 months.

Honestly, jar. It might be unlikely that you even see this, but I want you to know that I'm especially grateful too have met you in my life. you have changed so much for me, and probably the rest of the friend group for the better. You were quite literally like the Ben to my Nicky (from brittle bones Nicky). Words cannot describe how much you've impacted everything for everyone, and I want you to know that even if I'm away or gone, I will always be proud of you for who you are. Thank you, for everything. Jar. I'll See you when life wants me too.

(Honourable mention to: Bonnie, Finn, Cookie/Aaron, harry, Rain and filion. These guys are also really supportive friends who deserve the world and more. I love each and every one of you and I'm incredibly thankful for all of you.)

[khaoala]

I have decided that kawi needs a hug every hour on the hour. I find myself being less worried about what nenes going to do and more worried about him! My guy let’s get you some therapy and a girlfriend (as a treat lol).

Nene, oh nene. Growing up knowing you had a terrible father who wanted nothing to do with you and a delusional mother who was convinced that Khem would leave his family because he loved her is rather heartbreaking. Also add in her hearing her father say she should've been aborted (though at the time I'm sure she didn't understand) and her mother basically saying that SHES the reason Khem doesn't reciprocate her feelings.

God i fucking hate that man with a burning passion. With the idea of March approaching i say “WE SHOULD ALL JUST STAB KHEM!” 🔪 🔪 🔪

Oat really has her work cut out for her, last week when she made nene her own drink it SEEMED like cracks in her walls were starting to form (we saw a smile!) but today it looks like we went 3 steps back. I know i know i know that we already established that some part of nene does like oat or she wouldn’t keep coming back but still!!!! Quit being so cold to my poor Oat 🥺.

Pam and Rak, what can I say that hasn’t already been said. I LOVE THEIR LOVE!!! It made me so bubbly inside when grandma and titang told Rak that she was family now. I’m a sucker for found family 😭.

Pam and Rak are just so sickeningly sweet together and so soft 🫠🫠🫠. Kissing on the floor and then waking up together, yea I died. (I tip my hat to Emi and Bonnie because they are truly doing a great job at playing gfs). Then Pam doing a total 180 and becoming all grumpy and jealous (though Rak merely gave the girl her name I understand why pam would be jealous cause that girl was hot 🫦) Grandma and Titang being afraid for Rak 😂😂.

I hope nothing happens to the grandma because, for one, she is one of the few nice grandmas we've actually come across in these GLs, and also because Pam may have found happiness with Rak, but I fear losing her grandma may break her.😭😭😭

-🤫

Also ANOTHER lovechild popping up out of the woodwork!? WTF (and interestingly they all seem to be around the same age)

IT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING!!! this man is literally one maybe two episodes from breaking down and once he does, i'm really sorry, but i'll cry probably just as much as he will. he has been abused by his father for so long and relentlessly for years he has developed ptsd. he was sweating and fidgeting so much, i was so sorry for him. i hope he gets help and a pretty gf after all the shit his father made him go through.

ngl, i sympathized more with nene this episode (it was exactly their intention, so job well done you guys). i understand that nene only ever had her mother for support and care, and obviously, not every day must have been like it was shown, her mother must have had lucid days, but it's interesting how nene didn't grow to resent her mother in any way. it is easier to forgive people when they are dead, but even then, to hear your mother (even though she must have understood her mother wasn't in her right mind) say "you're the reason why he's not with me anymore" must have been awful on the head of a teenager.

istg anon, if they pull off a redemption arc for this asshole of a father like i know they probably will, i'll be so pissed, so pissed. the day it happens and you send me one of these, i might just ramble about how much i hate this man, i'm so serious.

i'm so impressed by oat and her saint's patience tbh. ofc you're incredibly attracted by this woman that comes at your bar when she's pissed (hot) or sad (cute puppy eye who got lost), but everything has it's limits and i think we've seen a little of how aot's also a little pissed. ofc she doesn't know nene is justified for acting like that because of a broken heel, but i do wonder when they'll start talking to each other sincerely and not with aot walking around on her tiptoes trying not to step wrong around nene (also now that you've mentioned, i'm writing this reply with 1 step forward, 3 steps back by olivia rodrigo in my head).

i've said it before and i'll say it again, emibonnie queens of casual intimacy, actually one of the best couple chemistries from gl and bl alike i've said what i said. they deliver the girlfriends role so good it's actually insane. i was so jealous of them painting each others nails and sniffing each others' hairs and stealing kisses and rubbing noses. i actually felt sick when they kept showing their entangled legs BECAUSE I WANT THAT TOO WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE MY TURN!!!!

the girl hitting on rak was super hot indeed but rak couldn't be more disinterested and yet we got sulky pam just bc of that and yes, i love that. i love a good harmless not really relevant jealousy between my girls thank you very much.

grandma can't die. she wouldn't right? she can't die because if she dies pam won't have anyone other than titang to see her get married to rak and that would be too cruel to someone who has already suffered so much. no, she won't die (and it's not ep 11 either, so there's no reason to worry - she says as she worries).

(* sighs * i can't even tell you how much this whole thing pisses me off. first of all, he's abusive af, he's also controlling and thinks he can buy people off his life, his children included. this man is such a piece of shit, pls gmm gods be just and let him die in a ditch).

[theenemyod]

Randomly got a fanfic idea:

Constantine basically decides "fuck this I quit" and stops doing the experiments (yay Jericho doesn't die)

Joseph is not okay with this at all, but Constantine had made his decision. He didn't know Joseph was intentionally hurting Jericho but he knew he was hurting Jericho and that was enough to stop the experiments.

Joseph still wants an Enemy of death though, and a few years later Verity Torres, a first year at the time, is revealed as a Makar.

Constantine and Jericho, as well as the rest of that apprentice group, had graduated by then, so there was no one in the school who could tell Verity and her counterweight how painful Joseph's experiments could be .

It takes a lot more to break Verity than it would have for Constantine though, she doesn't trust anyone really and isn't close to anyone, so it takes several deaths to break her. It wasn't just her counterweight, if multiple counterweights died in experiments that would raise too much suspicion, but Joseph either killed or distanced her from everyone she was close to, as well as in general making her life miserable without anything being traced back to him (starting rumors, giving her too much work, not trying to step in/stopping other masters stepping in to protect her from bullying). Him and her counterweight become the only two people she's really close to without anything being traced back to Joseph, and then her counterweight dies in an experiment and it's marked as an accident.

That's when she becomes The Enemy of Death.

Constantine's only reaction to finding out Verity's counterweight died is "good thing we stopped doing the experiments with him", but Jericho asks for Master Rufus to check what's happening because he's seen how much Joseph could hurt the Makar he's working with without them noticing. Master Rufus catches the experiments with raising the dead, and what happens there basically goes the same way as when Constantine was kicked out in cannon.

At this point no one except Jericho is really worried about what's going on, the masters think they stopped the issue by kicking Verity and Joseph out and they made some excuse to tell the assembly about why they had to leave because they didn't want to admit that both a student and teacher were doing illegal experiments in the school and no one noticed.

Idk how to explain this bit but eventually third mage war except Verity is the enemy this time

Constantine spent at least a year refusing to fight because he didn't want to fucking die, but eventually got sick of being asked and decided fuck it I'll do it fine. Jericho refused to be his counterweight for it because he didn't want to die either, Constantine ended up choosing Declan as a new counterweight because he's the one Constantine is the least scared of losing (though still very scared of losing) but can still stand to be around for hours, days or even weeks at a time while fighting.

Constantine ends up becoming closer to Declan than anyone else in his group, including at that time Jericho because Jericho wasn't fighting at that point and so his only communication with Constantine is calls and stuff, so Constantine gets closer to Declan, who he's actually around for a lot of time. It's basically petty rivals to close friends (no lovers because Declan x Jericho is far superior)

(Also update on less war related shit, Alistair and Sarah were dating by this point and Constantine is fucking jealous)

Declan ends up dying four years into the war. Constantine kills a lot of people in anger, refuses to talk to people for weeks, then only accepts social interaction from Jericho. He never fully gets over Declan's death and blames himself.

Declan's death is also what makes Sarah decide to fight in the war, and also ruined her friendship with Constantine because she knows he knew Declan was almost definitely going to die being a counterweight but chose him anyway.

Constantine probably needs a long mental health break and therapy but instead he's fighting again a week later with Jericho as a counterweight this time because what can go wrong with that?

Jericho manages to keep himself alive for a surprising amount of time, but mostly that's because Constantine wasn't actually using a counterweight but just pretending to so no one repeatedly asked "why don't you have a counterweight" or told "you need a counterweight". Jericho does end up dead, about five years after he started being Constantine's counterweight. Constantine doesn't get another counterweight after that.

Btw, Alistair and Sarah update: Callum now exists, Constantine is pissed about it and says he looks like if a potato grew in size and mutated a face (he's just angry that his crush has a kid with Sarah instead of dating him)

Constantine is not mentally stable, nearly dies every fucking battle because of his lack of counterweight, but doesn't fucking care.

Instead of Master Joseph pretending to be the enemy when the battle happened (he'd have a few issues trying to look like Verity that he didn't have with Constantine), Verity just sends a lot of chaos ridden, and the close Massacre still happens but with less Declan because he's already dead.

Alistair and Constantine find the aftermath of the cold massacre together, Sarah and Call were still in it. Verity had possessed Calls body the same way Constantine did in cannon (this also later leads to transfem Call because soul was originally a girl). They see the kill the child words and both figure it out but agree to keep the secret.

Then after that less war and fighting and maybe just some angst and fluff mixed together. One of Joseph's minions pretends to be Verity instead of Joseph himself and it has the same effect, no one notices. Eventual alistine, but slow burn because torture is fun and both of them are scared to accept love after everyone else they've cared about either died, because a devoured, or joined the wrong side.

Alistair and Constantine attempt to raise Call and act sane. Constantine isn't great with children and they both suck at acting sane.

Also Constantine still got scars and burns on his face but they were from the battles instead of experiments, and Verity got similar scars while leaving the Magisterium, her mask looked different to Constantine's. It took longer for Constantine to start wearing the mask than in cannon (after the war ended) and it was made by Alistair.

(Sort of) happy ending but they all have trauma. I might make another post with how this ends up with the actual plot of the books not just before them but not now.

[softsky-daily]

9/10/2024

The sheer darkness just looks like smoke.

Positive thing: I had therapy and I got through class.

I like the class but the first day felt really clique-y so I didn't really talk much to anyone. This time the people I sat next to were really nice so I'm feeling better about being there. It helped that I had a nap beforehand too so I was more awake.

Tomorrow I have to wake up early (and will have to for the next month or so) since I'm doing practicum hours for my career counseling class. It's 9am to 4pm, which I'm not super looking forward to even though I get a break in the middle, but oh well. Hopefully I get the hang of it quickly. Thursdays I have to wake up early too since I'm doing Japanese volunteering, but that's more fun to me at least.

I'll probably have to take another nap tomorrow. I get so sleepy so easily.

[destinyc1020]

I think that many of this SM4 rumors come from different factions that are pushing certain stuff at negotiations. I don't think that SM4 had anything to do with the delay of Euphoria because contractually Euphoria would have taken priority over Spidey for Z since Zs Spidey contract (and its precedence over Euphoria) expired with NWH. Also Sydney straight up said that Euphoria was going to be her next project so this decision to delay Euphoria was very recent and the most likely reason is that Sam is going through some shit probably triggered by the deaths of Angus and Turen and he's not accepting for anyone else to help him with the writing (I do think that the Euphoria situation is a major contributing factor to Zs stress. She's not only the lead of the show, but also a producer and a close friend of Sam. We know she would go to his house to motivate him to write during S2. All of this shit should be stressful as hell for her. I think she needs to be ready to walk away if Sam is not willing to get help with the writing. She can't put her career on hold to be a therapist for a friend)

Anyway, we saw during NWH press how Amy Pascal straight up lied to reporters saying that Tom had signed a new Spidey contract. I would bet good money that many of these fake leaks are coming from her. There are billions of $$ involved with the franchise, and when there's so much money at stake people become ruthless. I would not believe anything about SM4 unless it's coming from Variety, Deadline or THR. Until then I'm not going to stress about Spidey at all

Thanks Anon for your input ☺️

Well.... All I'll say is that I definitely hope that Z isn't stressing out about "Euphoria" based on Sam's account. 🥴

While I love Zendaya's incredibly sweet heart and kind nature, I really don't think she should be responsible for babysitting a nearly 40-year old man, and holding his hand to get his freakin' work done. 🙄😒

Going over his house to try to "motivate" him to write??? 🥴 I'm sorry, but NO. 😒 He is a GROWN MAN. My coworkers don't come over to my house to try to get me to sit at my computer and do my job anytime I'm having an emotional or mental bad day. 👀

If the deaths of Angus and Turen have been too much for him (which is totally understandable), then he needs to hire some writers (like NORMAL directors do), OR, take a bit of a break, and revive the show for one last season years from now. 👀 He could even do what "Downton Abbey" does, and just make a full-feature film at the theater after the show seasons ended lol 😆

Making a 2-hour film might actually be easier for him than trying to do 8 one-hour episodes. 👀

Either way, I hope Sam is getting some therapy. 👀 I just think it's incredibly stressful (and shows a lack of common courtesy) to your cast to be taking years to write stuff that really should have been finished long time ago, and to be changing scripts LAST MINUTE every single filming day 🙄(cuz the cast has def talked about this 👀).

Let's also not forget how the crew was constantly complaining all during the S2 filming about the crazy conditions they were under. 🥴

Idk, maybe it's just me, but it just seems to lack common courtesy... but maybe Sam is a perfectionist. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[aidenlyons]

After returning home, Jake and & Aiden fall into a routine. Jake is getting more mobile by the day it seems, with the help of crutches at first, and then knee braces.

A: Jake? Dinner's ready.

Aiden still takes care of most of the meals but he's always liked cooking.

J: You've made this for me before, haven't you?

A: Mhm. In high school. You were skeptical about something with no meat.

J: Hah! Yeah, I remember. I think it's even better now.

A: I've had some time to practice cooking a bit more.

A: Um, are you ok getting to your appointment alone tomorrow?

J: Yeah, I can manage, everything ok?

A: Yeah. I just have an appointment with my therapist, but I can reschedule if you need me.

J: I'll be fine. Is everything ok?

A: It's fine. I don't need to see her a lot anymore. It's just.. a lot is happening, and I just want to talk it over with her.

J: Ok.. you know you can talk to me, if you need to?

A: I know, Jake. I want to talk to you, too. It's not about that.

A: Having an outside perspective is just helpful. Keeps me from getting too far into my head, you know?

J: Yeah. I understand. But we'll talk, maybe after? We haven't really, about Chestnut Ridge and.. everything.

A: Yeah, if we're not too tired after our appointments.

After dinner, Aiden cleans up while Jake has a bath. Soaking in the hot water helps and he prefers to bathe himself.

Jake knows it's selfish, but he kind of misses the way Aiden would come to him when he was overwhelmed. He's proud of Aiden for doing what he needs to do though.

When they make it to bed, Jake wants to make sure Aiden understands.

J: I'm proud of you, you know. Of who you are now. I think I see why you wanted to break up, back then.

A: Jake... I probably could have done this all with you, but I think I.. panicked a little.

J: You? Panic? Never.

A: Ha ha. Thank you for understanding. And you know, given everything.. maybe you should talk to someone, too? You just lost a lot.

J: You might be right. We'll see. I love you, you know.

A: I know. I love you too. Always have.

Once a week, along with his own exercises at home, Jake has to go to the hospital for some physical therapy. Swimming first for something low resistance and then weights. It's exhausting, but he trusts his doctors.

At home, Jake also works on some upper body exercises which he can do sitting down and certainly keep him fit.

Aiden continues to work on his yoga since it's something he enjoys and it's... a bit distracting for Jake.

A: Don't even think about it. I can feel you staring.

Aiden spends a few hours a day painting as well. He has a few commissions but mostly lists everything on his site on Plopsy.

J: Is that one of my old jerseys?

A: I can neither confirm nor deny.

J: It has my name on it.

A: And?

J: You're just trying to tease me today, aren't you?

Jake isn't supposed to put too much strain on his knee or do anything too strenuous which has put a slight kink in their love life.

J: Come here.

A: What are you.. Jake!

Aiden laughs when he ends up in Jake's lap. It's certainly hard to turn down kisses from his boyfriend.

J: We can be careful, you know.

A: We tried that.

J: We can try again.

A: You think you can let me take control?

J: Mhm. Sure. It's hot when you get a little aggressive.

A: Not the same thing.

J: C'mon.. I'm not made of glass.

A: Ok. We can try, but you better behave yourself.

J: Promise.

This time it's Aiden that turns Jake's head toward him so he can kiss him. Jake isn't the only one who has been missing being intimate with his boyfriend.

The afternoon after their respective appointments though, they're too tired for much more than couch cuddles. Aiden proving his catlike nature as he curls up carefully on top of Jake.

J: Everything go ok?

A: Mmm. Just always tires me out, talking to Dr. Hackett.

A: What about you? How was PT?

J: Fine. Exhausting. It's hard to tell sometimes but the doctor says I'm healing fast.

A: Good. We gonna talk about Chestnut Ridge?

J: Mmm. I want to go see the house. Maybe once the weather breaks in Spring? Colby said he'd show me around...

A: Sounds good to me. Do you want me to go with you?

J: I.. would you be mad if I wanted to go alone, at first?

A: No. I understand. It's about you and your dad. Take some pictures and show me after. We can go out together later if you want.

J: Sounds perfect. Thank you.

A: I might have another art show around then. My old teacher said that place in San Myshuno wanted me back. Another local artist thing.

J: That's great! I'm so proud of you. I told you your art was great.

A: Yeah, yeah.

J: Lets just relax and watch some TV tonight, hm?

A: M'not heavy, am I?

Jake chuckles softly and shakes his head. Aiden sounds like he's halfway asleep already.

J: Not at all.

Sure enough, when Jake checks a minute later, Aiden is out.

J: Yeah. Lets rest for now.

[maybebecomingms]

these headphones are thicker than blood

April 25th, 2025

Two weeks ago tomorrow, after languishing unconscious for days following a massive stroke, my grandmother finally passed over to the other side.

I have a therapy appointment booked for next week and it's a relief to at least have a plan to actually talk about it. My partner has the day off and I might have him sit in with me - for reasons I can't readily identify. Moral support? To learn what I need? To hear something I probably wouldn't think to tell him if it's just us? I have no clue. I guess I'll figure it out when the time comes.

Been sitting around this house for days I'm in here, waiting on the flood

There hasn't been a good way to know how to grieve - it's been more like stepping around all the options I don't have. There was and will be no funeral. Grieving alongside my remaining family has never been a safe option in the past, and that became abundantly clear again within a couple hours of her passing. My partner will say, "look at me; I am your family now" in the midst of ongoing fuckery, and it's true and it is helpful. But I haven't been able to do that effectively either. I took a couple days off from work just to give my brain a break and slept a lot.

Giving in, not giving up Maybe I didn't care enough I wish I could let you know somehow

You know when you lose someone and then you dream about them? And your interaction with them isn't even the point of the dream - they're just a background character if they can even interact at all? They can't speak to you, or maybe they can't hear you speaking to them, or they can and they're just shaking their head at you in disapproval. You know, THAT.

I don't know that I ever had a single dream about my grandmother in my entire life before THAT started last night. So I guess THAT is what I have now.

Keep looking out, not looking down You won't find the answers in the ground Where will we be twelve months from now?

I guess you'll have to check back to find out. I've been here dutifully documenting my grief in all its forms for nearly three years now, and I don't anticipate stopping anytime soon.

(The theme songs probably aren't going away either - tonight's is "Three Six Five" by Shinedown)

[dearmomimissyou]

Today's been fucking awful. I was struggling to go to sleep this morning cause I kept wanting to reach out and talk to Manuel and even started writing a list of questions I wanted to ask him and a proa/cons list of not reaching out again/cutting him off or whatever. Around 6 am somebody called me saying that they saw miss Phyre at liberty park. I immediately short circuited. I woke up dad and we went down as quickly as possible. While we're driving he mentions that it's possible that the person was just saying that they saw miss Phyre but just want the money or something which yeah I get that. And honestly I hadn't really thought about it til then that it could be a set up. I had thought that maybe he was wrong like wrong cat or something but like how many orange cats with broken tails are there really?

When we pull up he's fighting with the house owner cause apparently the cat has been here over a year and I was immediately confused. I showed a picture of her to the owner and he said that he's never seen her around. There's another cat that they've been feeding. It's a small Grey tabby that's missing most of its tail. It occurred to me at that moment that I should have asked for pictures of the cat before just rushing down.

When I got home I just kept crying basically and started spiraling. I reached out to Nemo and talked to them on their 10 minute break and that helped me enough to go to sleep. Right before I could go to sleep though Dave called since him dad and shad are going to the dirt this week and asked to talk about therapy. I told him that they reached out on Tuesday I think about them still searching for a therapist for me. He also mentioned how I need to get the inpatient shit fixed because if it goes to collections they'll garnish Austun's wages for it. So I immediately spiraled over that sent a text apologizing to Austun if it happens and set up a plan to call pet link to officially mark miss Phyre missing and then do insurance when I woke up.

Woke up at 330isb and called pet link but they said because I'm not on the tag info I had to transfer it so I sent an email to the last vet I took her to to get her vet records to hopefully submit and get it transferred to me so I can mark her missing idk. That whole thing made me want to talk to Manuel which made me spiral hard so I reached out to Nemo again and we talked for an hour and a half and I decided to nap. I got off the phone with Nemo and before napping I decided to call Manuel thinking that he wouldn't answer cause he's either busy or sleeping or ignoring me and it would be the last time I reached out to him but he answered and I immediately broke and started crying and asked if he could come hang out.

He showed up and we talked mostly me crying honestly and freaking the fuck out on myswlf and brain and shit idk. If I'm honest I can't really remember it which fucking sucks cause it was literally like twenty minutes ago. He stayed for an hour or so actually I think over an hour. He eventually left be ause he had to go to April's party since Austun is there. He's not been ha ING a good week between detoxing and his new job position he's been freaking out. Plus he's sick right now cause he drank a half gallon of milk while he's fucking lactose intolerant.

I don't know if I feel. Better now after talking to him. I guess I kinda do. I really really don't want to be alone right now but that's not going to change any time soon unfortunately. I'm probably going to go back to sleep. Maybe I'll call Nemo in the morning and tell them thay I slipped. I don't know.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to be here anymore in this place physically and mentally. I fucking need a God damn therapist. I'm running out of Prozac and I don't know what to do.

I really fucking do want to get better and live. I do. It just seems like everything is trying to fucking drag me down.

I'm going to play some phone games til 8 feed poe and then turn on a bit late and go to sleep.

Love you always.

[jeonqkooks]

to my dearest beloved ♡ just like that, the tailend of summer is upon us. has the blistering heat been treating you alright? hopefully you kept yourself hydrated and fed to ward out fatigue. what have you been up to these days? has work been smooth? have you seen any movies or shows as of late? i certainly hope you've had time for yourself amidst the chaos of life, here and there.

i've taken the time to look through your blog to catch up the last little while, and remembered that you used to have a tag for me! i filtered through it and felt myself grow guilty since you left me posts and messages there that i hadn't seen -- i'm sorry for leaving you speaking into the void; for not answering your calls. i know it's not enough to respond now but for what it's worth, i'm eternally grateful you think of me and leave me behind notes for me to open up whenever i happen to swing by. i'll try to make up for a pixel of what you provide to me in these letters of mine ♡

you told me in a previous reply that you'll be going home in november! is that still the plan? how are you feeling about that? are you excited, nervous, a little bit of both? hopefully all goes smoothly by that time and you are greeted with love by your family. will you be staying long, for the visit? hopefully you also enjoy all the homecooked meals and mini adventures i'm sure you'll get up to. i've only ever gone to vn once in my life, when i was a tiny kid -- i don't remember much now. (other than the vendors selling bánh canh for breakfast and me burning my left calf on a motorcycle exhaust ;-; i still have the scar!)

as for about me the last little while, life has been dizzying but in a good way. (1) i've recently gotten promoted at work (*´︶`*) ! which is crazy to me, because i've only been working at my clinic for just over a year... i had maybe 48 hours of full-on freakouts about the matter, feeling the suckerpunch of imposter syndrome and anxiety, but it was ultimately my circle of those closest to me that encouraged me to take the position ;u; it's going to be a huge, HUGE professional shift for me but it will open more doors than i could imagine. i'll be biting my fist probably the first 3 months into this but! slow and steady!!! (2) truly entering the era of seeing friends getting engaged and going to wedding ceremonies, left and right. it's making me excitedly nervous of hoping one of my closest friends will pop the news one day too! (i will bawl my eyes out, rip me and my makeup.) my love and i have gotten to the point in our relationship where we freely say to each other things like do you think we could have that at our wedding too? and okay but a good portion of our budget should go to the food, duh HAHA many people are asking us when is our turn, as we're hitting 6.5 years in august, but we're obviously not ready yet -- and that's okay~ we got the roles down though, of who would organize/take care of what, since he knows how much planning helps me feel safe and secure (TヮT) (3) i'm optimistic of how my strained relationships with certain family members will pan out, since i've been actively going to therapy to help heal my inner child from feelings of abandonment and pressure of being the eldest girl. it's oddly taboo to talk about actually receiving therapy, despite it being encouraged all the time in modern day today; i always get a pitiful look whenever i tell someone in passing that therapy has actually been helping me the last two months. it makes me a little sad knowing judgment still circulates for mental health but i suppose it's more of a mental game for me to get over.

goodness, my letters are out of control in terms of length. i'm sorry for breaking your screen and possibly your brain, jen love. take your time with this -- and maybe you wish not to respond at all and that's okay with me too. just know that i'm thinking of you, wholeheartedly, and am sitting down with a cup of tea beside you for a chat.

i miss you, eternally. thương thương~

with all my love,

cee ♡

can you imagine the way i soared when i came back from making dinner to see this in my inbox.. every time you swing by i swear it makes my whole day :')

the weather has been so weird here lately. just last week i was feeling like a lobster being boiled alive lol and now it's so cold that everyone's busting out their sweaters and hoodies again. work is okay, altho i'm getting restless and i'm already on the hunt for the next thing 😰 one of my closest friends here (who's also my roommate) is moving away in a few days so i've also been thinking about moving to another country

i'm so behind on all of my shows bc i'm getting into TXT 😂 tho i did go and see Barbie yesterday and that was the first time i ever cried in a movie theater lol

i do mean it when i say that i miss you on tumblr a lot and whenever certain things happen, i just think "I WISH I COULD TELL CEE" 😂 i'll leave all my notes to you under your tag from now on hehehhee. but ofc please never feel guilty about not seeing them. i know my blog isn't the most organized space and chaos ensues here every day hahahaha, but more importantly i know you've got a lot of things going on and i'm just grateful that you're here in any capacity at all <3

the plan is still to go home in november! i bought my plane ticket back in may :D i'll only be there for about 3 weeks, which is kinda short considering i haven't been back since early 2020, but oh well. i had to coordinate with my sister so we could both be there at the same time (she moved to canada so now geographically she's even closer to you than i am 😂). from now on i'd like it if i could go back every year but we shall see how things turn out! i've been so excited about it ever since i got the ticket (tho i can't say i'm looking forward to the 16hr long flight) and i've had to start putting myself on a diet in preparation for three whole weeks of nonstop eating once i'm back home lol. believe it not, i have never had bánh canh in my 23 years on this earth 😂 am i failing my people 😂

congratulations on your promotion!! your friends have probably talked your ears off about this but you're so smart and hardworking and you deserve this so so much <33 i'm glad to hear that you've started therapy too. i know it's not a very widely accepted concept in our culture but it's a huge step, and i'm proud of you for taking it <3 every time you mention your beloved i just go :')) bc you two are so wholesome it's like maybe!jk coming to life 😂 happy 6.5-year anniversary to you in advance <3

you could send me a whole thesis-length letter and i'd still ask for more 😂 thank you for popping in and letting my july end on a happy note. love you and miss you always, thương thương ♡

[angeldcgs]

though rufus would probably worship the ground she walked on no matter what she did, bronte still made sure to spoil him with more love and affection than he knew how to process. those familiar with therapy terms only via tweets and tiktoks would call it lovebombing; she would justify her actions by saying she was just trying to give him everything he'd missed out on all those years he'd spent away from civilization. he was like an alien sometimes, having been back in the real world long enough to know how to appear normal, but once you talked to him for more than twenty minutes, it became apparent that he was from a different planet entirely. she'd been having an absolute ball introducing him to movies and music most people their age grew up with, encouraging him to try new foods and giving him a crash course on everything from pop culture, to politics, to sex. "not a long term answer, necessarily, but it seems like the best option for you two right now. you'll have your own apartment, rufus will be up here with me. think of it as a stepping stone, if it helps. just a place to stay while you get your feet on the ground, and once your finances are in order, you can figure out what works best for you." that day would never come, bronte was certain. no matter how hard he worked at whatever entry level job he'd somehow managed to score, gus would never have enough to comfortably support the two of them without assistance, and god knows the government wouldn't be coughing it up. "you don't have to be apart of anything you don't want to, either. you'd mostly be here for your brother's comfort, but i do ask that in exchange for rent, you help out with the maintenance around here. just simple stuff, clogs and leaks mostly. and then, of course, if i have to evict a tenant— which i only do after a major violation of the ground rules, by the way— if i ever do have to do that, it'd be nice to have some muscle to back me up, since i don't believe in law enforcement. and you're welcome to have a job while you're here; part time, preferably. 40 hour work weeks will put you in an early grave." if that deal wasn't good enough for him, she didn't know what would be. he could continue living his life as normal, for the most part, but he would be doing it while living in an actual apartment, and his brother would be kept well fed and well fucked. to ask for anything more than that would simply be greedy. all she needed was to get him to move in, and then she could work on getting him to stay for good.

"gus, i just—" for the first time since meeting him, she wilted, shoulders slumping as she sighed, tone taking on an exasperated quality as if she were trying to explain a complex concept to a toddler. "i don't think you understand, about your brother... he's not like you. some people just aren't capable of supporting themselves, and that's ok. he has caretakers who are willing to shoulder that responsibility, so he doesn't have to worry." bronte had no sort of degree in psychology, but she could tell when someone simply didn't have what it took to survive on their own, or when doing so would cause them an immense amount of mental and psychological pain. rufus needed someone, and gus seemed more than willing to spend his whole life taking care of his brother, but rufus wouldn't be content with that— not a hopeless little loverboy like him. he couldn't live without the sort of companionship that bronte offered, and she was willing to bet than gus was just as desperate for it beneath all his layers of repression and stubbornness. though she wasn't putting an estimation on it just yet, she'd be able to break him down if given enough time. "maybe it won't," she shrugged, fully knowing it would if she wanted it to. "you're both welcome to leave if it doesn't, i won't keep you here. you can even use me as a reference if you need to find new housing, i'll vouch for you." what more could he possibly fight her on? all rational arguments were falling flat when matched against bronte's ability to spin anything in her favor, and at the end of the day, it wasn't gus' decision to make. "i know i haven't been the most friendly to you, i'm sorry about that... i'm a very passionate person, i'm sure you can understand that. it's just because i care, y'know? about both of you. i don't really have anyone i consider family now... what you two have is really special, and i'm just trying to make it so that rufus has space for the both of us in his life."

how she thought antagonising him would help bring him onto her side, gus didn't know but it wouldn't work. he was able to admit that she was right about certain things, it wasn't enough to prove her point and have him throw away the life he was trying to build for himself and gus. upon managing to escape their father's white-knuckled grasp, he'd known immediately that things were going to be difficult for them when they returned back to civilisation. rufus was excited, happy to finally have a chance at normality which he felt he could excel at but gus wasn't so confident, he had memories of how the world worked and while it was better than the alternative of being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a man ready to beat them for the slightest bit of disobedience, it wasn't going to be a piece of cake either. raising his voice and getting angry would do nothing to prove that he was capable of existing and managing the stress that came with trying to be an adult in a capitalist society, it was extremely tempting though. "and so your answer is for me to give up and come live here and do what exactly? you still haven't told me what any of this is about except wanting to fuck my brother." rufus wasn't going anywhere without gus following, that much was apparent but what rules would he then be forced into following? if they didn't need to work for money to pay rent, were they just supposed to sit around all day? or was bronte seeking payment in the form of having rufus, was he promising them both safety in the form of giving her his body and whatever else she craved? if he wasn't so steadfast on staying by his brother's side then it was likely the offer wouldn't have even been extended to him, which only made it feel more disgusting of a suggestion. "i'm learning, and he'll never do the same if he stays here and gets shit handed to him." was it wrong to want his brother to learn how to survive? they'd spent their entire lives relying on someone, not in the normal way a child relies on their parent but instead something much more dangerous, where their very lives would have been at risk if they hadn't followed his orders to an exact tee. he tensed at the mention of bringing rufus in, not because he was intimidated by him but instead because he knew it'd be much harder to fight a battle for him when he was there arguing. they both agreed on the same fact, rufus hadn't lived a life and they wanted to help him, gus' way of doing it was to work hard and try to pull them up onto their feet so they could return to the society they'd been snatched from, bronte wanted to tear him away from it like their father had and feed him with buttery lies about how they could escape from the struggles of every day life and could forever exist in a pretty bubble so long as he obeyed her rules. whether he liked it or not, he knew that rufus was stubborn and if he really wanted to stay with bronte, there was very little he could actually do to stop him. if he stayed, there was the possibility he could try and keep him out of trouble, he could keep working on the side and save up some money to eventually have enough to move them away. by that point, he could have convinced rufus enough of how precarious their situation with bronte was, and maybe he would have even gotten bored enough to leave without a fight. "it's not going to last." he argued weakly, on his last legs with what he could use to try and rebuttal against bronte's neverending tirade. "he doesn't know what he's doing here, it'll be fun for a while and then he's going to get bored and he's going to want something different and he'll leave you in the dust. i can't afford to have our lives resting on whether or not he still wants you."