#i have therapy in an hour and I'll probably talk about their break up and how i won't be able to get over it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

plushmer · 4 months ago

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Katsuki gets pulled into his bosses office right before lunch with is direct supervisor and boss staring at him. He has no idea what he's done this time.

"Well it seems we have a communication issue..."

Katsuki smirks cuz he fucking knows this. No one can communicate any information properly in this damn building.

"It seems some of your emails have been coming across as rude, and that you're mad. Everyone is finding it difficult to deal with you"

Katsuki's heart sinks.

He's been doing so well. He did the therapy. He's been around this specific group of professionals for 5 years! No one has complained about his attitude before?! He finally felt at home. Finally found a place he could be himself without worrying He's going to accidentally insult someone with his quick to the point answers. He's blunt. He's succinct. He gets things done with efficiency. And he had been praised in the past for it!

...then the bomb drops.

"We really love you here Bakugou. You're unreplaceable. But I'm going to be honest, I had to fight tooth and nail to keep you here. That's how bad this is"

Oh, this is an ambush

This is fear tactics

This goes on for an hour. Them telling Katsuki that he's great but he also needs to change his behavior and attitude or *hint not so subtle hint* he will be forced to resign.

Katsuki goes home for lunch and just cries. Full blown sobbing on the floor. And that's how Ejirou finds him.

"Hey! You're home early. I was just finishing up the..." Eijirou trails off.

Katsuki knows he should say something. Anything. To make Ei know he's OK. But he's not ok. And he can't talk.

Ejirou kneels on the floor and puts his hand next to Katsuki's. He's been through this before many times with him. And Kat has helped Ei though many breakdowns as well. Ejirou knows by now that sometimes touch is the wrong answer.

Katsuki grabs his hand and Eijirou's restraint breaks. He scoops Kat up against him and just holds tight until all the overwhelming emotions can subside.

When Kat finally finds his voice he tells Eijirou all that's happened. Ei is furious but he doesn't show it. These people have been in their home. Have been their friends for years. He's confused and hurt as well but let's Katsuki spill it all.

"And the worst thing is! I have to go back to WORK! I can't take the rest of the day off. I have lives on the line here!" Katsuki all but screams

"I know love. And you know what? You're great at what you do. You have friends that support you. And I'll be here when you get back" Eijirou replies

The rest of the day is a haze. Katsuki keeps dropping things. He ran into a wall at some point. Even the intern asked if he was OK.

He's not that teenager that can't reply with simple kindness anymore. He's thirty fucking four at this point. He spend 15 years straight moving from place to place with Eijirou always right behind or beside him the whole way.

That's probably why this hurt so much. He finally found a place that accepted him. As himself. He wasn't pushed to be something he wasn't. He wasn't silenced. He could do his job and do it well.

So he smiles at the intern "yeh, I'm good. Just a rough day"

His smiles are not hard to earn anymore. They're given freely and are real. That's what happens when you feel safe.

But after that ... interaction ... with management. He doesn't feel safe. Not anymore. Now he has to watch his words, his tone, his mannerisms, fuck! are they going to make him stop swearing?

He's spiraling. He knows he is. He just needs to get home.

Ei's there. Kat can finally relax and watch the show they were continuing.

Everything is still a little fuzzy. Only hearing bits a pieces of Eijirou talking. He's pretty sure he should be listening but the meeting just keeps looping in his head. Katsuki forces himself to focus back in.

And then it happens. All his fears confirmed. He is actually the worst person on the planet. He doesn't deserve this job he's fought for his entire life, he doesn't deserve the friends he has, he doesn't deserve the husband who's supported him along the way because ...

Katsuki just said something and Eijirou called him rude.

*in reality. Eijirou made a joke. Katsuki said something sarcastic. And Eijirou jokingly said "~well that was rude" while laughing*

But Katsuki's not laughing. Not anymore. He's staring straight ahead and not seeing. His voice doesn't work anymore. His peripherals are gone.

And then Eijirou is in front of him. Hovering.

Then the tears, slowly, then sobbing. Eijirou slams him into a hug. They've learned before that the best way to ground Katsuki and stop a panic attack before it gets too far is to physically do it. Eijirou wraps his arms under Katsuki's armpits, grabs his shoulders, and pushes him down while squishing him into himself.

Eijirou knew what happened this time. He did this. He said something stupid. Something that usually wouldn't have any effect...

"You just confirmed I'm rude!" Katsuki hiccups between sobs

"And we've also confirmed that I'm an asshole" Ejirou whispers. "But that doesn't mean I don't deserve love. You deserve love. I need you to say it"

Those are the hardest words Katsuki can say when he ISNT having a panic attack.

"Or sign it"

So Katsuki shoves his hand into Eijirou's chest the best he can while being literally smothered in affection. His thumb, index, and pinky out. The sign for "I love you" pushing into Eijirou's chest

Eijirou doesn't notice the sign, just the pushing. "I'm not letting go until you SAY IT" Ejirou weaves his hand into Katsuki's hair to the roots and pulls "Say it. I deserve love"

The hair pulling grounds him more.

Katsuki is able to snark "eh, sometimes but not usually" and he wiggles his extend fingers on Eijirou's chest.

Eijirou finally notices the sign and that that's probably the best he's going to get for now. He pulls Katsuki's hair again for good measure and then gives him a bone crushing hug.

Katsuki actually reciprocates. Even with Eijirou, hugs are not his thing. He will always leave an arm down, or ball his fists, or go limp. But right now Katsuki is thankful. Thankful that his husband knows him so well and he wants Ei to know that it is felt, the love.

"Uraraka is on her way over" Eijirou casually states before letting Katsuki go

"Hah?! Why?"

"She's coming over so you can vent, or not, cuz I have to go to class"

"Oh, right, I forgot it was tonight" Katsuki whispers.

He hadn't even thought about the fact he would be home alone tonight while Ejirou takes his once a week emergency medical training class.

Uraraka arrives about ten minutes later. Just enough time for them to pull out her favorite blankets and clean up the tissues from crying.

Eijirou leaves, reluctantly, and gives Uraraka a look. She knows. She doesn't need to know the details but she knows something is up. She id alwayd there to talk, to listen, or to just sit and watch TV for Katsuki.

And Katsuki sits. Not knowing how to start. 'Thanks for coming over so I don't ... internally combust?' No.

Eventually Uraraka gives an opening "I haven't really done much today" she laughs "mostly stayed in bed"

"Any particular reason? Or just having a bad brain day?" Katsuki asks

"Eh. Nothing in particular. Just having a day. What about you?"

And there it was. The perfect opening.

So he tells her everything. She listens. He doesn't cry this time. And she lets him randomly pop in with extra stuff he remembers from the meeting that makes him mad even if it's not even the topic they're currently discussing.

It's good

He needed the reminder. He has friends. He has family. All who love him for who he is.

Whatever comes next at this job, good or bad, it's not the end.

He deserves to feel safe. He deserves love.

Edit: I proofread it.

#my hero academia #mha #bakugou katsuki #kiribaku #kirishima ejirou #bnha #plushmer #im not okay #me and my husband are actually just kirishima and bakugou #i cried while writing this #actually happened #im katsuki if you couldnt tell #i wrote this instead of therapy #panic attack #dissociation

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blitzsicedcoffee · 3 months ago

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Tried to go to sleep and was once again woken up by comparisons of my life and the lives of Blitzø Buckzo and Stolas Goetia.

So let me tell you the story about my suicide attempt. Of course this is going to be very different, as I am a nonbinary trans queer person and these are two male gay demons in hell lol.

But I was able to draw a lot of parallels that even I was like, "oh. Oh no" Lmao.

So, it was 2018. My partner and I were still unengaged. We didn't really know what to call one another since I was nonbinary, besides partner.

I had a Lot of chest dysphoria. It was crippling. The dysphoria around my body is probably the biggest part that differs between me and our boys here.

Anyway, I was always one to take care of other people, and other people never took care of me. Thus my connection to Blitz. As well as, I was a very lonely kid and teen. And when I became an adult it didn't change much. I found solace in reading, and was always very autistic and had trouble with communication in large groups, and taking criticism. Thus my connection to Stolas.

There are many things that they both do in the show that I recognize from my own mental health journey that I related to (and is hard to see someone else to through), but also is important to show in a show like that.

The insecure hugging of the self, the anxiety spiraling, the deflection to different topics, the just "not thinking about it" and focusing on something else. I did all of these. They're coping mechanisms. Not great ones. But they are.

I would say I don't necessarily have their brand of abandonment issues, but I do have something they both have which is rejection sensitivity. If I am rejected by someone for something, I am devastated. It has taken me a long time to not take certain things personally and realize that other people are speaking from their own perspective and not trying to diminish mine. And is partly why a psychologist thought I had BPD once, (I did not, just anxiety and CPTSD).

Both of these boys, they have gone through none of that growth. They still hear the tiny minute rejection and they shut off from other people. Or they react, albeit in Blitz's case, 'Blows up' on others based on the way he himself was treated as a kid.

Now, I'll talk about the suicide attempt so if you wanna skip the rest you can. I understand.

I was walking home from work. I worked at a cafe and lived about a 30 min walk home in an apartment complex. It had been a particularly busy Sunday rush day, and I was feeling vulnerable from constant misgendering, constant berating about how to do my job, and no support whatsoever for eight hours straight.

I was already crying during the walk and I was hugging myself. I wasn't wearing a binder and felt the urge to have the breasts off my chest NOW but obviously I couldn't. I grabbed at my chest and sobbed, and once I was outside my apartment complex, I stood on the edge of the curb of the sidewalk and considered walking into traffic.

I heavily considered it. But as I stood there, my other hand took out my phone and dialed my partner who was already at home. I told him what was going on and I stood on the curb until he got there and held my hand as I stepped back, and cried into his chest.

I haven't tried since but I did end up in outpatient therapy. And I want to explore this comparison to Blitz and Stolas because one of them is about to mentally break. And it can take the littlest things stacking up to do so.

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gray-r-regan · 2 months ago

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Mental health:

If you're neurodivergent and you've always thought a "gratitude practice" sounds like bullshit, I understand.

But the reason you do it is to counteract our natural negativity bias.

You probably know this is where the human brain focuses hard on the bad stuff because that's what we want to avoid in the future, and it focuses harder depending on how bad the bad stuff was, and that's where you get PTSD from, essentially.

Our brains do not hold on to the good stuff, generally, except in the moment. That stuff doesn't stay unless you're actively dialing in, paying attention, focusing and appreciating.

This is why bad days/months/years feel longer than good ones, generally:

Time is what happens when you string events together in your mind as though they were linear.

Imagine good things are yellow beads, and bad things are red beads.

If you're not paying attention to and being actively grateful and appreciative, your brain will ONLY use red beads. Then your "time string" is longer, because there are so many red beads, and you didn't focus on, or attempt to actively create, though changing your perspective, any yellow beads.

Good day? Didn't tell yourself how good it was? Brain sees nothing important here.

Brain disregards.

Guess what?

When you search your brain for good days, but you don't tell yourself stories about them, or think about how good they are, or write them down, or talk about them?

They won't be there. They didn't imprint.

And that is how you craft happiness and positive memories.

By snatching them and taping them up on the walls in your brain.

The world doesn't do it TO you.

You do it, based on how you think about what happens to you.

This is what they were trying to say (in very autistic language) in this image:

It's true, it's just worded so clinically that it seems too simple and stupid to be true.

You create the pathways in your brain through how you respond to what happens to you.

You prune your brain like a bonzai tree.

You can trim it towards shriveling up in the darkness and hating everything, or you can trim it towards the light and feeling better.

Yes, some things make this extremely difficult. Yes, medication is necessary sometimes. Yes, therapy can help.

But this is how it works.

If you're deep in it, it's going to feel fake and stupid at first and you may have to try neutrality before positivity.

"Yes, this is happening and it's hard."

Instead of, "I wish this wasn't happening, it shouldn't be happening, this isn't fair, why me, I wanna unalive myself."

Then move to:

"I am strong enough to survive this. I love and care for myself enough to get through it and I'll be okay."

Or whatever words of that sort speak to you.

It's about breaking habits and it DOES WORK.

Plus!

Your behaviors are generally dictated by your habitual thoughts.

So if you want to change your behaviors, gear your thoughts towards the ones you want.

Think like the person you want to be would think and, with time, you will become them.

ALSO:

This is why you feel a hunger for things sometimes that you just can't satisfy:

Your brain doesn't know it happened unless you focused on it, paid attention to it, soaked it in.

It can't tell.

Gaming? If you're thinking about other things for four hours while smashing buttons, and thought that one cute thing that lasted five seconds was great?

You gamed for five seconds, as far as your brain is concerned.

Sweet foods? If you're on your phone, watching TV, etc, the snack never happened, so you'll just keep wanting it as if you never had one.

Your level of engagement = the depth of any experience's imprint on your brain/memory.

This also goes for rest.

Worry or feel shame/anxiety the whole time and your body doesn't feel safe enough to repair itself.

Repair mode exists for a reason.

We just forgot how to use it.

#depression #anxiety #pmdd #mdd #SAD #seasonal depressive disorder #bpd #bipolar #psychology #mental health #cognitive restructuring #neurodivergent #autism #actually autistic #audhd #neurodivergence #adhd #asd

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theenemyod · 7 months ago

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Randomly got a fanfic idea:

Constantine basically decides "fuck this I quit" and stops doing the experiments (yay Jericho doesn't die)

Joseph is not okay with this at all, but Constantine had made his decision. He didn't know Joseph was intentionally hurting Jericho but he knew he was hurting Jericho and that was enough to stop the experiments.

Joseph still wants an Enemy of death though, and a few years later Verity Torres, a first year at the time, is revealed as a Makar.

Constantine and Jericho, as well as the rest of that apprentice group, had graduated by then, so there was no one in the school who could tell Verity and her counterweight how painful Joseph's experiments could be .

It takes a lot more to break Verity than it would have for Constantine though, she doesn't trust anyone really and isn't close to anyone, so it takes several deaths to break her. It wasn't just her counterweight, if multiple counterweights died in experiments that would raise too much suspicion, but Joseph either killed or distanced her from everyone she was close to, as well as in general making her life miserable without anything being traced back to him (starting rumors, giving her too much work, not trying to step in/stopping other masters stepping in to protect her from bullying). Him and her counterweight become the only two people she's really close to without anything being traced back to Joseph, and then her counterweight dies in an experiment and it's marked as an accident.

That's when she becomes The Enemy of Death.

Constantine's only reaction to finding out Verity's counterweight died is "good thing we stopped doing the experiments with him", but Jericho asks for Master Rufus to check what's happening because he's seen how much Joseph could hurt the Makar he's working with without them noticing. Master Rufus catches the experiments with raising the dead, and what happens there basically goes the same way as when Constantine was kicked out in cannon.

At this point no one except Jericho is really worried about what's going on, the masters think they stopped the issue by kicking Verity and Joseph out and they made some excuse to tell the assembly about why they had to leave because they didn't want to admit that both a student and teacher were doing illegal experiments in the school and no one noticed.

Idk how to explain this bit but eventually third mage war except Verity is the enemy this time

Constantine spent at least a year refusing to fight because he didn't want to fucking die, but eventually got sick of being asked and decided fuck it I'll do it fine. Jericho refused to be his counterweight for it because he didn't want to die either, Constantine ended up choosing Declan as a new counterweight because he's the one Constantine is the least scared of losing (though still very scared of losing) but can still stand to be around for hours, days or even weeks at a time while fighting.

Constantine ends up becoming closer to Declan than anyone else in his group, including at that time Jericho because Jericho wasn't fighting at that point and so his only communication with Constantine is calls and stuff, so Constantine gets closer to Declan, who he's actually around for a lot of time. It's basically petty rivals to close friends (no lovers because Declan x Jericho is far superior)

(Also update on less war related shit, Alistair and Sarah were dating by this point and Constantine is fucking jealous)

Declan ends up dying four years into the war. Constantine kills a lot of people in anger, refuses to talk to people for weeks, then only accepts social interaction from Jericho. He never fully gets over Declan's death and blames himself.

Declan's death is also what makes Sarah decide to fight in the war, and also ruined her friendship with Constantine because she knows he knew Declan was almost definitely going to die being a counterweight but chose him anyway.

Constantine probably needs a long mental health break and therapy but instead he's fighting again a week later with Jericho as a counterweight this time because what can go wrong with that?

Jericho manages to keep himself alive for a surprising amount of time, but mostly that's because Constantine wasn't actually using a counterweight but just pretending to so no one repeatedly asked "why don't you have a counterweight" or told "you need a counterweight". Jericho does end up dead, about five years after he started being Constantine's counterweight. Constantine doesn't get another counterweight after that.

Btw, Alistair and Sarah update: Callum now exists, Constantine is pissed about it and says he looks like if a potato grew in size and mutated a face (he's just angry that his crush has a kid with Sarah instead of dating him)

Constantine is not mentally stable, nearly dies every fucking battle because of his lack of counterweight, but doesn't fucking care.

Instead of Master Joseph pretending to be the enemy when the battle happened (he'd have a few issues trying to look like Verity that he didn't have with Constantine), Verity just sends a lot of chaos ridden, and the close Massacre still happens but with less Declan because he's already dead.

Alistair and Constantine find the aftermath of the cold massacre together, Sarah and Call were still in it. Verity had possessed Calls body the same way Constantine did in cannon (this also later leads to transfem Call because soul was originally a girl). They see the kill the child words and both figure it out but agree to keep the secret.

Then after that less war and fighting and maybe just some angst and fluff mixed together. One of Joseph's minions pretends to be Verity instead of Joseph himself and it has the same effect, no one notices. Eventual alistine, but slow burn because torture is fun and both of them are scared to accept love after everyone else they've cared about either died, because a devoured, or joined the wrong side.

Alistair and Constantine attempt to raise Call and act sane. Constantine isn't great with children and they both suck at acting sane.

Also Constantine still got scars and burns on his face but they were from the battles instead of experiments, and Verity got similar scars while leaving the Magisterium, her mask looked different to Constantine's. It took longer for Constantine to start wearing the mask than in cannon (after the war ended) and it was made by Alistair.

(Sort of) happy ending but they all have trauma. I might make another post with how this ends up with the actual plot of the books not just before them but not now.

#alastair hunt #magisterium #constantine madden #the magisterium #jericho madden #master joseph #joseph walther #callum hunt #sarah novak #declan novak #verity torres #3rd mage war

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softsky-daily · 4 months ago

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9/10/2024

The sheer darkness just looks like smoke.

Positive thing: I had therapy and I got through class.

I like the class but the first day felt really clique-y so I didn't really talk much to anyone. This time the people I sat next to were really nice so I'm feeling better about being there. It helped that I had a nap beforehand too so I was more awake.

Tomorrow I have to wake up early (and will have to for the next month or so) since I'm doing practicum hours for my career counseling class. It's 9am to 4pm, which I'm not super looking forward to even though I get a break in the middle, but oh well. Hopefully I get the hang of it quickly. Thursdays I have to wake up early too since I'm doing Japanese volunteering, but that's more fun to me at least.

I'll probably have to take another nap tomorrow. I get so sleepy so easily.

#thoughtposting #skyposting

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destinyc1020 · 9 months ago

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I think that many of this SM4 rumors come from different factions that are pushing certain stuff at negotiations. I don't think that SM4 had anything to do with the delay of Euphoria because contractually Euphoria would have taken priority over Spidey for Z since Zs Spidey contract (and its precedence over Euphoria) expired with NWH. Also Sydney straight up said that Euphoria was going to be her next project so this decision to delay Euphoria was very recent and the most likely reason is that Sam is going through some shit probably triggered by the deaths of Angus and Turen and he's not accepting for anyone else to help him with the writing (I do think that the Euphoria situation is a major contributing factor to Zs stress. She's not only the lead of the show, but also a producer and a close friend of Sam. We know she would go to his house to motivate him to write during S2. All of this shit should be stressful as hell for her. I think she needs to be ready to walk away if Sam is not willing to get help with the writing. She can't put her career on hold to be a therapist for a friend)

Anyway, we saw during NWH press how Amy Pascal straight up lied to reporters saying that Tom had signed a new Spidey contract. I would bet good money that many of these fake leaks are coming from her. There are billions of $$ involved with the franchise, and when there's so much money at stake people become ruthless. I would not believe anything about SM4 unless it's coming from Variety, Deadline or THR. Until then I'm not going to stress about Spidey at all

Thanks Anon for your input ☺️

Well.... All I'll say is that I definitely hope that Z isn't stressing out about "Euphoria" based on Sam's account. 🥴

While I love Zendaya's incredibly sweet heart and kind nature, I really don't think she should be responsible for babysitting a nearly 40-year old man, and holding his hand to get his freakin' work done. 🙄😒

Going over his house to try to "motivate" him to write??? 🥴 I'm sorry, but NO. 😒 He is a GROWN MAN. My coworkers don't come over to my house to try to get me to sit at my computer and do my job anytime I'm having an emotional or mental bad day. ��

If the deaths of Angus and Turen have been too much for him (which is totally understandable), then he needs to hire some writers (like NORMAL directors do), OR, take a bit of a break, and revive the show for one last season years from now. 👀 He could even do what "Downton Abbey" does, and just make a full-feature film at the theater after the show seasons ended lol 😆

Making a 2-hour film might actually be easier for him than trying to do 8 one-hour episodes. 👀

Either way, I hope Sam is getting some therapy. 👀 I just think it's incredibly stressful (and shows a lack of common courtesy) to your cast to be taking years to write stuff that really should have been finished long time ago, and to be changing scripts LAST MINUTE every single filming day 🙄(cuz the cast has def talked about this 👀).

Let's also not forget how the crew was constantly complaining all during the S2 filming about the crazy conditions they were under. 🥴

Idk, maybe it's just me, but it just seems to lack common courtesy... but maybe Sam is a perfectionist. 🤷🏾‍♀️

#cleaning out my inbox 📥

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aidenlyons · 2 months ago

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After returning home, Jake and & Aiden fall into a routine. Jake is getting more mobile by the day it seems, with the help of crutches at first, and then knee braces.

A: Jake? Dinner's ready.

Aiden still takes care of most of the meals but he's always liked cooking.

J: You've made this for me before, haven't you?

A: Mhm. In high school. You were skeptical about something with no meat.

J: Hah! Yeah, I remember. I think it's even better now.

A: I've had some time to practice cooking a bit more.

A: Um, are you ok getting to your appointment alone tomorrow?

J: Yeah, I can manage, everything ok?

A: Yeah. I just have an appointment with my therapist, but I can reschedule if you need me.

J: I'll be fine. Is everything ok?

A: It's fine. I don't need to see her a lot anymore. It's just.. a lot is happening, and I just want to talk it over with her.

J: Ok.. you know you can talk to me, if you need to?

A: I know, Jake. I want to talk to you, too. It's not about that.

A: Having an outside perspective is just helpful. Keeps me from getting too far into my head, you know?

J: Yeah. I understand. But we'll talk, maybe after? We haven't really, about Chestnut Ridge and.. everything.

A: Yeah, if we're not too tired after our appointments.

After dinner, Aiden cleans up while Jake has a bath. Soaking in the hot water helps and he prefers to bathe himself.

Jake knows it's selfish, but he kind of misses the way Aiden would come to him when he was overwhelmed. He's proud of Aiden for doing what he needs to do though.

When they make it to bed, Jake wants to make sure Aiden understands.

J: I'm proud of you, you know. Of who you are now. I think I see why you wanted to break up, back then.

A: Jake... I probably could have done this all with you, but I think I.. panicked a little.

J: You? Panic? Never.

A: Ha ha. Thank you for understanding. And you know, given everything.. maybe you should talk to someone, too? You just lost a lot.

J: You might be right. We'll see. I love you, you know.

A: I know. I love you too. Always have.

Once a week, along with his own exercises at home, Jake has to go to the hospital for some physical therapy. Swimming first for something low resistance and then weights. It's exhausting, but he trusts his doctors.

At home, Jake also works on some upper body exercises which he can do sitting down and certainly keep him fit.

Aiden continues to work on his yoga since it's something he enjoys and it's... a bit distracting for Jake.

A: Don't even think about it. I can feel you staring.

Aiden spends a few hours a day painting as well. He has a few commissions but mostly lists everything on his site on Plopsy.

J: Is that one of my old jerseys?

A: I can neither confirm nor deny.

J: It has my name on it.

A: And?

J: You're just trying to tease me today, aren't you?

Jake isn't supposed to put too much strain on his knee or do anything too strenuous which has put a slight kink in their love life.

J: Come here.

A: What are you.. Jake!

Aiden laughs when he ends up in Jake's lap. It's certainly hard to turn down kisses from his boyfriend.

J: We can be careful, you know.

A: We tried that.

J: We can try again.

A: You think you can let me take control?

J: Mhm. Sure. It's hot when you get a little aggressive.

A: Not the same thing.

J: C'mon.. I'm not made of glass.

A: Ok. We can try, but you better behave yourself.

J: Promise.

This time it's Aiden that turns Jake's head toward him so he can kiss him. Jake isn't the only one who has been missing being intimate with his boyfriend.

The afternoon after their respective appointments though, they're too tired for much more than couch cuddles. Aiden proving his catlike nature as he curls up carefully on top of Jake.

J: Everything go ok?

A: Mmm. Just always tires me out, talking to Dr. Hackett.

A: What about you? How was PT?

J: Fine. Exhausting. It's hard to tell sometimes but the doctor says I'm healing fast.

A: Good. We gonna talk about Chestnut Ridge?

J: Mmm. I want to go see the house. Maybe once the weather breaks in Spring? Colby said he'd show me around...

A: Sounds good to me. Do you want me to go with you?

J: I.. would you be mad if I wanted to go alone, at first?

A: No. I understand. It's about you and your dad. Take some pictures and show me after. We can go out together later if you want.

J: Sounds perfect. Thank you.

A: I might have another art show around then. My old teacher said that place in San Myshuno wanted me back. Another local artist thing.

J: That's great! I'm so proud of you. I told you your art was great.

A: Yeah, yeah.

J: Lets just relax and watch some TV tonight, hm?

A: M'not heavy, am I?

Jake chuckles softly and shakes his head. Aiden sounds like he's halfway asleep already.

J: Not at all.

Sure enough, when Jake checks a minute later, Aiden is out.

J: Yeah. Lets rest for now.

#simblr #sims 4 #show us your story #the sims 4 #aiden lyons #jake lawson #britechester

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kokocunt · 2 years ago

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characters: hanma shūji, female reader (ft. kisaki tetta)

contents: mild dubcon, manipulation, past csa, trauma dumping, age gap (20+ years), vaginal sex, hurt/comfort vibe, probably ooc hanma but i do not care. not proof read lol

wc: 7.2k

"will you be fine on your own tonight?"

you shouldn't have said yes.

but, no—you wanted to be all mature and collected like, "dad, i'm nineteen now; i'll be fine by myself," when you're already sobbing into a pillow not even an hour after he left. your nails tear at the skin of your breasts so hard blood is drawn, screaming as if anyone could hear you from the top floor penthouse. fuck, if it wasn't for your empty stomach, you're sure you would have thrown up twice by now, instead of dry heaving so hard that you choke on air.

it's dramatic, it's grotesque; this is the worst it's been, but even then, it's just milder on other nights.

will this ever change?

i mean, it's been years and you don't even remember what exactly happened that night, but for some god forsaken reason, it still lingers. it's in the scent of your room, in the phantom hands groping your body, in the position you lay in, in the thoughts of intimacy you fear, in the arms of your loved ones—it's everywhere, and you can't escape, no matter what you do.

what can you even do?

with your dad's line of work, therapy isn't exactly an option, but even then, how are you supposed to talk to someone about how disgusting you feel when you don't know exactly what happened? you've tried it already and it doesn't seem to work, albeit kisaki tetta isn't exactly the best person to go to for anything emotional, but if not with your dad, what friends do you even have to go to? you haven't been able to let people into your life after what happened.

that fact makes tonight so much harder.

even if your father is emotionally unavailable, him simply being in the house with you is enough to keep your worst thoughts at bay. he sleeps with a loaded gun by his bed, so the possibility of someone breaking in and doing those things to you again is gone. he can't fix what happened, but your dad still makes you feel safe; that's been enough for you in these past few years.

but tonight is the first night he isn't here with you—well, when he had business to attend to during the night, he would at least wait around for you to fall asleep first, but this is the first time he's abandoned you so early; it's scary. the thoughts you've been able to ignore with him around now rear their ugly heads, and it's so scary. thoughts telling you to tear all your skin off so you don't have to feel the hands touching you, thoughts telling you to mutilate your vagina so you don't have to worry about someone forcing themself inside you ever again, thoughts telling you to nose dive off the balcony so you don't have to think about any of this anymore; god, they're terrifying.

you need an escape from them—no, you just want an escape; what you actually need is someone, anyone to be here with you to make you feel safe for tonight because you know there is no escape. because, at the end of the day, the only thing even close to an escape you have is what little bit of security someone can provide you. at the end of the day, there's nothing you can do to prevent you from losing it all.

at the end of the day, things never change.

so, you call up the only other contact on your phone other than your dad's, and pray he isn't working tonight

—

the buzz of the intercom scares you, even though you've been sitting in wait for the past hour for it to ring; you press on the button and tell the man on the ground floor to come on up, voice shaky. i mean, you can't be blamed for being nervous, right? sure, you know him, but you've never actually spent time with him alone—besides the fact that he's way older than you and hanging out with him by yourself would be weird, he just doesn't seem to care all that much about you.

but, if that was the case, then why would he show up tonight? is it because your dad isn't here this time?

oh god. was he waiting to get you alone so he could rape you and not get in trouble with his boss? waiting for the perfect opportunity to threaten you into not saying a word about the way he's going to toy with your body? your bedrooms don't have security cameras, so he wouldn't get caught that way either.

oh no.

no. no. no. no. not again.

even if he got caught, he's been friends with your dad for so long; it would be so easy for him to find a way to convince him that having sex was your idea. i mean, you're the one who called him over in the first place.

this was a bad idea. this was a horrible idea.

should you grab a knife from the kitchen? no, that wouldn't work; he has so many years of experience on you, especially in fights. he'd just rip the knife out of your hands, and then bend you over the nearest surface, ignoring as you scream for him to stop. or he might just pull out a gun on you, if you try to attack him. he'll push the nozzle against your cranium and tell you to get on your knees, and then, while you're sobbing, you'll have to—

"hey, sorry i took so long," hanma yawns, as he walks through the doors of the elevator. his presence snaps you out of your paranoia immediately.

what were you even thinking? hanma wouldn't do something like that; he's always been nice to you whenever you saw him. just because he's a gang member, that doesn't automatically mean he doesn't care about anyone or that he only wants to hurt you—you're just letting your nerves get the better of you. hell, that's the reason you called him over tonight.

you need to calm down, especially evident when hanma asks, "you okay? you're shaking a bit there, kid."

breathe in for four, hold for seven, breathe out for eight, and then repeat.

deep breaths go in and out of your lungs for about a minute before you finally turn to face hanma, who leans over you with his arms folded utop the backrest of the couch. you didn't take him as the patient type, but you're more than grateful that he isn't forcing you to rush a reaction. "i'm… hanging in there," you answer him, forcing a smile. he rubs your shoulder in what seems like a poor attempt to comfort, before he hops over the couch to sit down next to you; his touch and closeness make you tense up, but you try to ignore it by talking to him. "u-um, thank you for coming over… you, uh, really didn't have to, b-but i appreciate it—like a lot."

he lets out a small laugh before rubbing your shoulder again—you really don't like it. "no problem, girlie; i mean, kisaki would probably off me if i didn't tend to his baby when she needed it," he comments, lifting his hand off you to grab the remote. another deep breath escapes your lungs the second his hand is off you, which grabs hanma's attention. you mumble an apology, but he only sets the remote back down and turns to face you. "but, y'know, i didn't just come over because of kisaki; you sounded pretty horrible over the phone—crying and stuff like that." hanma reaches for you again, but this time, he grabs your hand instead of your shoulder; it's better, but you still don't feel comfortable with him touching you exactly. "is there anything you want to talk about, sweetheart?" though, you're especially uncomfortable with the newfound nickname he has for you.

still though, you feel like you would have recognized any malicious intent he would have had by now, and you haven't; he genuinely just seems concerned for you. i mean, he didn't have to come over, nor did he have to ask about anything—you even told him on the phone that you didn't care if he just wanted to go to sleep the minute he got here, and that all you needed from him was to stay the night with you.

yet, here he is, offering you some place to vent. offering you something you haven't had a chance to really do.

offering something that you need.

maybe hanma is what you've wanted this whole time.

maybe he can make things change.

sure, it might be odd to pour out all your trauma onto your dad's friend of all people, but he's here. hanma is here and cares enough to listen, which is what you've needed. with no access to mental health care, no friends, and no way to explain this correctly to your dad, hanma is the first person you have the chance to talk to properly about this.

you may not be the closest with him, but you trust him enough. and above all else, you want something to finally change.

you need this.

"can… can i get personal with you, hanma? i-if you don't mind…" you mumble, heart beating out of your chest as you prepare yourself for this conversation.

his eyebrows raise in surprise, but then a lighthearted smirk follows it up soon after. "of course; whatever you need," he confirms, which relieves some of the weight on your chest. but, still, you're not comfortable enough to talk yet.

you swallow your breath before questioning, "would you mind if i lie down while i talk?" to which he laughs and tells you that you didn't need to ask, but you felt it appropriate, as you decided to rest your head on his lap. thankfully, he didn't seem to mind that, nor does he seem bothered by how you maneuver your hand around so that you're grabbing his hand back—it starts to become comforting when it's mutual, and even though this is all a bit intimate, laying on hanma's lap and holding his hand makes you feel like nothing bad is going to happen.

it feels safe; something that you didn't think you'd feel with another person ever again.

but as you try to find a place to start talking, fragmented memories push to the front of your mind, and they make you want to scream. they're all incomprehensible, blurry images, and yet you want to run away and hide. all you can make out of your memories are the pain you felt, the blurry image of someone on top of you, and how much you cried—god, you might actually vomit if you linger on this too long, but you need to push through it. you're the only one who can make this change.

but even if it's all up to you, you're not alone; you're reminded of this when hanma squeezes your hand to comfort you, your struggle with racking your memories together visible to him. you look up to him, where he gives you a smile, and it helps you calm back down. you squeeze his hand back, take in a deep breath, and then close your eyes.

he's not a therapist, he's not your dad; you don't need to give an accurate account of what happened for him to believe you. just say what you think happened as it comes to mind.

don't think about it too much.

the deep breath you had just taken escapes through your nose before you start with, "i-i… think it happened when i was twelve…" you could've been thirteen too, though. did your birthday pass yet? you're not sure; all you remember is that you were in your first year of middle school. "dad had… some sort of party that night, i-i'm pretty sure…" you continue, but you think you might be making that part up. you know for sure that it happened at your house, but no clue about what was going on that day; though, it just makes sense that there were other people over, so a party will have to be the scene. "and… u-um… i was… i was in my bed…" that you remember the clearest; it's why you sleep on the couch most nights.

though, to hanma, it was clear you remembered that in particular because of the tears you didn't know were threatening to stream down your face. his thumb smooths over your knuckles to calm you down, as he tells you, "hey, i get what you're talking about now; you don't have to continue."

but you don't process his words—you can't; hanma's reassurance won't cut through the incomplete memories filling up your mind, even though you wish it would. "i-i just… i don't… i-i don't know w-who… how do i-i not know who d-did it…" you pry your hand away from hanma's so you can wrap your arms around your knees, curling yourself up into a fetal position; it's not as comforting as you wish it was—there never is comfort. "it-it… was… it hurt, s-so much… a-and… th-there was so much b-blood on my sheets the next morning, a-and i don't think i could even s-stand up either… b-but i—"

as your sobs start to make your rambling even harder to listen to, hanma sits you up to pull you into a hug, and while you want to peel all of your skin off at the feeling of another person touching you intimately, you grip onto him like a vice. his body pressed up against yours, encasing you—it does honestly make you feel sick, but you're too scared to let go at this point because, "d-dad didn't believe me, s-so i… i haven't told anyone else… a-and i've been s-s-so scared and alone…"

hanma seems to freeze for a second before pulling back, seemingly to say something, but you don't even consider that; you pull him back towards you hastily, face buried in his abdomen. "please! p-please don't go… i-i don't want to b-be… alone…" your panic quickly starts delving into desperation with each sob, leaving hanma left to pet your head like an animal to comfort you. "i-i just… i want it to stop… i want things t-to change… i'm so… s-so sick and tired of being sc-scared and… and mi-miserable over something i-i don't remember… i want it to s-stop… p-please make it stop…" even though you know hanma can't do anything other than listen, you still beg with him incoherently until your tears start to dry up.

…which then leads to embarrassment once you come to your senses.

and god, now that you can think a bit clearly, what have you been doing? convincing yourself that hanma could help you, trauma dumping onto your dad's friend, forcing him to comfort you, pleading with him to do something—who does that? you know it was a spur of the moment thing, but seriously, it's ridiculous. you feel ridiculous. i mean, you're supposed to be an adult for fucks sake, yet here you are, trying to make someone to take responsibilty over your unresolved problems like a child.

you'd probably break down again at the realization that you've never been able to actually mature since that day, if not for hanma's patient reassurance keeping you grounded—"are you feeling a bit better now after letting it all out, sweetheart?"

you nod your head and pull back from him, a shiver running up your spine when you're no longer touching; it's relieving, but at the same time, it leaves you feeling worse than before. though, you ignore it because, above all else, you really need to apologize to hanma. your hands come up to rub your eyes and wipe away all the snot and tears, while you tell the man, "i-i'm so, so sorry that you had to deal with that… i know you can't do anything, a-and i shouldn't have made you comfort me…" however, he dismisses your apology, telling you that you have nothing to be sorry for and that he would've already abandoned you if it was too much for him to handle. which does admittedly make you feel a bit better, if not a little surprised by his bluntness, but you still can't shake the awkwardness of the situation.

so, you mutter, "...um, w-well, thank you f-for putting up with me anyways…" after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. "y-you don't have to stay any longer, if you don't w-want to…" you offer him, even though you're really unsure if you can be left alone with your thoughts right now; though, you'd feel bad if you made him do anything else for you.

he's already done enough.

and yet—"well, i wouldn't feel too great leaving right after you had a breakdown"—he's still so generous to you.

but in all honesty, you feel… kind of weird, at this point.

i mean, of course you appreciate him being here, but you don't know what he's getting out of this; you're not sure why he would practically babysit his boss' daughter without some kind of incentive. sure, it could be out of the kindness of his heart, but things feel off, now that you're no longer blinded by your meltdown.

and as if to validate this weird feeling you have, hanma drops on you, "by the way, now that you've calmed down, i actually think i know how to help you move past this trauma of yours a bit."

this revelation of his makes you tense up. yeah, you've wanted help for so long, but there's something in the calmness of his voice and the smile on his face that makes you think it isn't the help you want. hell, you're already gotten what you wanted: someone to listen to you.

then, it finally dawns upon you that it isn't that hanma has done enough; it's that you don't want him to do anymore.

yet—"i think you would benefit from having sex; y'know, where you actually have control this time"—he's still trying to help.

and now the source of your unease is viscerally clear.

you know what you just heard him say; the idea itself makes you want to vomit, but knowing that he's suggesting you have sex with him, is something completely different.

something worse.

but you don't want to come off rude, after what he's done for you. "u-um… i-i-i don't know about t-that…" you mumble, scooching away from him ever so slightly, only for hanma to grab your hand. you jump at the contact and debate running upstairs into your dad's room to hide, but instead, you try to calm down, telling hanma, "i-i know you… you, uh… m-mean well… but i don't think i'm, um… ready for t-that yet. i-i mean, this is the first time i-i've even talked to someone ab-about this! it would be weird to—"

"haven't you been waiting years for things to get better?" hanma interrupts, his words cutting through you like a knife and stabbing you in the heart of the issue. i mean, of course you want to get better, but what he's getting at is that you don't know how to get better because of how long you suffered for—and he would be right.

in retrospect, you imagined your recovery to be something instantaneous; you get this dwelling pain off your chest to someone, and then you'll miracuously get better. but here you are after telling someone what happened, knowing that if he left right now that you'd be at your worst. you know opening up about this was just the first step, and you know you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone of suffering to get better.

you know hanma's proposal is the only option on the table right now.

but you also know that you're not okay with this.

however, your hand still in his grasp, hanma stands and drags you up with him. "listen, i know this is all probably scary to you, but trust me, i only want to help," he starts, as he leads you to the stairs. your feet are moving on their own to follow him, but your heart is beating out of your chest; you were worried about him coming over just to violate you, and that's really about to happen isn't it?

but as if he could read your thoughts, hanma reassures you, "i mean, i don't exactly want to sleep with someone under half my age, let alone my boss' daughter, either, but like i said, you'd benefit from having consensual sex." and even though you're still uncomfortable, his comment does relieve your initial fear—that this is something he wanted to do to you. and to cement that relief, he confirms with you, "and i'd prefer you have sex with someone you know and trust. you do trust me, right?"

that's all there is to it.

you really need to stop thinking the worst of a situation

"yes, i do…" you mumble an answer, noticing he had stopped in his ascent up the stairs to hear from you. hanma gives you a smile in response, before pausing once again once he reaches the top of the steps; he asks you which room you want to use. instinctively, you were going to say your dad's room, but that's… weird. and besides that, you have to face this—all of it. "um… m-my room is the one at the end of the hall…" you say while pointing at the door, to which hanma responds accordingly.

this is okay.

you'll be okay.

when you walk into your room, you feel fine. i mean, you spend most of your time here—you just have trouble sleeping in your bed; that's all the issue is, so it's great that you're going to get past that too, after…

after you're all tired out from…

"go ahead and get comfy," hanma tells you, to which you oblige as if you were on autopilot. you hesitantly lie down face up, as you try to relax yourself.

you don't remember the last time you've laid in your bed; realistically, it couldn't have been that long, right? but then again, all you really do is sit at your desk all day, so maybe it has been a while. hell, you remember laying on your floor more than your bed; so, maybe that's why the feeling of your comforter engulfing you in warmth is so foreign. and, now that you think about it, the softness of your pillows feels like something you forgotten as well—

the shifting of weight on the bed snaps you out of your head.

now's not the time to get distracted.

even though your skin is crawling at the sight of hanma sitting at the foot of your bed, you can't retreat into your own head; it would probably be worse for you anyway.

i mean, it always starts with the little things—like your bed. but then, you start thinking about how you used to lay on your stomach when you were younger, and how you couldn't sleep without cuddling a pillow. then, there's a gap in your memories that always leads to you thinking about the pain you felt. the blood you bled. the tears you cried. the cum that was inside—

hanma's hands rest on top of your knees, and for the first time since you laid down, you're aware of your existence. you didn't even realize that you were sitting up, legs locked together, arms wrapped around yourself.

god, you need to stop thinking so much.

you need to focus.

but that's so hard of a task to do when—"do you want me to take off your clothes for you? it's up to you."—you don't want to be here right now.

you just need to remind yourself that this will help. this is for your betterment.

"i-i can do it myself, but um… do i have to t-take off all of it?" you ask confused, being that this is your first time doing this. much to your relief though, hanma assures you that you can do whatever you want; you call the shots tonight. which… does make you feel more confident in this, but—"well, y-you know, um… i don't really know what i'm doing, so-so, uh… maybe you… y-you should just…"

hanma lifts his hands off your knees and pushes you back down against the mattress as gently as possible, explaining to you, "just tell me to stop whenever you need." you're glad he understood what you were getting at, but the embarrassment of it all is the least of your concerns now that his hands are on your hips.

it takes all your willpower not to kick him as his thumbs finger the waistband of both your shorts and your underwear, but you still end up doing it; thankfully, it was more so just a shove than a full blown kick, and hanma seems fine with it, as he respectfully backs away in response. "l-like i said, i-i can do it… s-sorry, should have, um, been m-more clear…" you apologize, to which hanma only nods his head unfazed. thank god he's patient with you.

though, how much is his patience even helping? your hands tremble as they reach down to replace hanma's to nervously tug off your bottom wear, and it's still uncomfortable. the way hanma diligently watches you strip is uncomfortable. the cool air hitting your naked pussy is uncomfortable. telling hanma, "y-you can… uh… go ahead… i-i guess…" is uncomfortable.

no matter how good hanma is to you, you're still so uncomfortable.

and it doesn't help that he has to forcefully pry your legs apart to get access to your cunt, even though that's more so your fault. but once he does, you can only stare up at the ceiling and take deep, methodical breaths—don't freak out. if you can't get past the discomfort, then the least you can do right now is not panic, even though you already feel like screaming at just the touch of hanma fingers.

you cement your feet into your mattress and clench your jaw shut to the point it hurts, as he spreads your lips apart with his index and ring fingers. his middle runs up and down your folds, with you getting more nauseous every time he makes contact with your clit, but then he suddenly dips the whole finger inside of you without warning, causing you to let out an almost grotesque squeal; you immediately apologize, even though you didn't even do anything—even though you're actually kind of pissed that he did that.

it was his fault, and hanma knows that, especially telling by his laugh as he pulls his finger out of you. to your surprise, his finger is covered in slick; i guess being at war with your body for so many years has made you unaware of how it reacts because he didn't really do anything that turned you on. in fact, you are still pretty sick at just the idea of doing this, let alone actually going through with it.

or so you thought, until hanma's tongue lapped up all your juices left on his finger and what little that started sliding down his "sin" hand.

i mean, you always thought he was an attractive man, but him doing something so… erotic makes you feel so many emotions. another layer of nausea gets added on at the fact that he's so unfazed about tasting you, maybe even into it, but you're not any better—you can feel heat rising in your cheeks, and you can't even take your eyes off him, until he opens his mouth.

"sorry, sorry; i know i shouldn't be too playful with you," he apologizes, which makes you let out a deep breath you didn't know you were holding on. his apology relieves you of a bit of tension, and it results in a smile from hanma. "i just wanted to make sure you wouldn't freak out when i actually went down on you, and i mean—you didn't panic all that much when i shoved my fingers in you, so guess i'm in the clear," he explains, before he finds his place back in between your legs.

you don't understand his methods, nor do you really want to; he seems like he knows what he's doing, so you'll just go along with it. besides, you figured he has plenty of experience just by looking at him, so who are you to say anything to begin with? i mean, regardless of what his intentions were doing… all of that, hanma managed to pull your attention away from what's going on, and that helps you calm down for a bit. hell, you don't even react when his tongue glides up your slit

well, not immediately, at least.

your breath hitches when the tip of his tongue reaches your clit, and it all suddenly comes crashing back down. the vision of an attractive man between your legs was what was keeping your mind elsewhere, but an actual touch whiplashes you back into sobriety.

back into the reality of what's happening.

and the nausea settles back tenfold.

albeit, there's also a churning in your lower abdomen as he sucks on your clit which could very well be the brunt of how sick you suddenly feel, but regardless, you think you might actually vomit the more you stay in your head. just grappling with the fact that this is happening—that your dad's friend is going to fuck you—is hard enough, let alone actually being touched like this after so long of fearing it. it's just… too much to handle, especially when hanma's fingers find their way back inside of you.

you need to tell him to stop; he said he would if you did.

but when you open your mouth to say something, his long, slender fingers reach a sensitive spot inside you that you didn't even know existed, and all that comes out is a whiny moan.

it's supposed to feel good, but the closer he pushes you to finishing, your body starts remembering how it felt the first time you came.

when you were forced to.

when you were so young that it happened maybe weeks after you just started puberty.

when your body didn't know how to respond to what was happening.

your body still doesn't know how to responds

your legs are over hanma's shoulders, so you end up slamming your foot down onto his back to make him stop. you don't even realize you did that until he removes himself from you. he looks pissed with you, and you are too.

you're so pathetic.

but, as always, hanma reassures you, "alright, alright—i'm sorry. we can stop now, if that's what you want," even if his tone sounds a bit annoyed. he wipes his mouth and chin of your slick, before attempting to get up.

but you wrap your arms around him before he can get off the bed. "n-no…" you plead, and he looks back at you confused.

you're going to tough it out. you're going to change.

even if you're scared. even if your body won't like it. even if you think it's weird to do this with hanma.

even if you don't want to.

"no, i-i'm sorry, hanma… i should've just said something…" you apologize, your voice sounding choked up as you fight off the urge to cry. he turns around to you and reaches to give you a hug, but you grab his hands and look him in the eyes. "l-look, i just… i-i don't think i can handle, um… too much… so, c-can we just, like… uh…"

you're not really an adult; saying what you want outright embarrasses you, and you can't deal with anything sexual without feeling bashful. you're a nineteen year old child who needs an adult to walk you through this, and hanma knows that. "you wanna skip the foreplay, right?" he confirms with you, to which you shyly nod your head. he chuckles in response, "that's fine by me; i just wanted to make sure i didn't go in dry—it's your real first time, y'know?" before crawling over you to lay down on the bed.

you turn around to face him, confused as to why he's the one laying down, but he answers your question before you can even ask it. "listen, i know you said you wanted me to do all the work, but you don't tell me anything—and, to be honest, i don't wanna get kicked again," he explains with a bit of lingering annoyance in his tone, as he reaches for something in his pocket. you want to apologize for that again, but he interrupts you by tossing a condom onto your lap, then continuing, "so, instead, how about you be on top and go at your own pace, sweetheart?"

it's not a suggestion; he's already tugging his sweats down his thighs so he can pull out his dick, and you're suddenly way more nervous than you were before. i mean, you don't know what you were expecting, but he's big—way too big for you, at least.

you really didn't want this time to hurt too.

but before you have the chance to retreat back into your mind, hanma points at your hands, and you remember that you're holding a condom. "oh! u-um… uh…" why would he hand this to the inexperienced one here? "m-my hands… they're, uh, s-sweaty, so could you, like, d-do it?"

hanma rolls his eyes—you think it's in jest, or at least, you hope he isn't actually anymore annoyed—and snatches the condom out of your hands; he opens it and rolls it down onto his length faster than you can even prepare yourself for this. "it's your turn now, for real," he comments, carelessly tossing the opened wrapper somewhere into the darkness of your room.

despite what you had hoped, you can tell his patience is running thin—it's most noticeably in his deadpan expression. there's no sight of that reassuring smile he has been giving you all night when he orders you to do your part, and not to mention his mannerisms are slowly getting more aggressive. and as if to prove his growing impatience, he grabs your fidgeting hands and pulls you towards him, placing them flat onto his chest.

if you weren't reluctant before, then you sure as hell are now. maybe even scared a little.

but you said you were going to tough this out, didn't you?

so, you follow hanma's lead and toss one of your legs over him, balancing yourself on his chest; this results in a soft smile from him, and a weight feels like it's been lifted off your shoulders at the sight of it. your hesitation was annoying him, but he isn't actually mad, even adding a proud "attagirl" with his grin—guess that's one thing out of the way.

the real daunting issue at hand, however, presents itself as hanma helping position his tip at your entrance, where you're supposed to lower yourself down now. just the thought is making your heart race and a cold chill go up your spine, and it doesn't help that you can feel what you think is precum sticking onto your folds now mixed with the cool air; it all just feels… so uncomfortable. so wrong.

just a little more left, though. you're so close—you can't bail out now.

you take the deepest breath you can muster and screw your eyelids shut, before slowly lowering your hips, and for the first few centimeters, you had thought you were overthinking things—but then, just one centimeter deeper, you felt a certain sting you had forgotten.

and with it, you heard a little girl cry.

your heart stops for a moment, your eyes shoot open. you don't think you can breathe. the pain was only fleeting, the pain wasn't even an issue, but you feel like you're dying.

no.

that little girl is the one who feels like she's dying right now—not you. her pain is never ending, and she always drags you into her suffering; it's why you've been in this hell for years.

every night, you're forced to hear her cry, and it makes you sick. baring that little girl's agony with her tears you apart; it's been ruining you

and right now is no different, except for the fact that you're trying to ignore her.

you grit your teeth and squint your eyes tight to the point you think you're going to hurt yourself, while forcing your hips down until the full length is inside of you. however, your efforts of drowning out the little girl's sobs are in vain because she starts to scream at the feeling of you getting stretched out. you only thought it was a bit uncomfortable, but she's making you feel so much worse.

and, "you're doing great, sweetheart," hanma isn't making anything better either. honestly, you forgot he was even here; you only took notice of him talking because his hands have found a place on your hips, and it's making her scream more. you don't even take the time to move them off, though—you just want to get through this.

but when you finally start to move, she starts begging you to stop, and you can only respond by bouncing your hips faster than you can handle.

it's awful.

you hate everything about this.

the crying, the discomfort of something inside you, the screaming, the thumping against your cervix, the pleading, the tightness building in your lower abdomen.

why did you agree to this?

a hand comes up to your face to wipe the tears that you didn't even realize were coming from your eyes. "hey, i told you we can stop whenever; you don't need to force yourself."

everytime hanma tries to reassure you that you don't have to do this, the guilt you feel for disappointing yourself is unmatched. you keep telling yourself you're going to tough it out, but everytime, you start to crack when your mind wanders—and you hate it the most out of anything happening right now.

you agreed to this because you wanted something, anything to change, and change isn't supposed to be easy.

change is supposed to hurt.

you slap hanma's hand away from your face, letting your tears flow freely, and start to grind your hips against him again, while the little girl wails 'stop' or 'it hurts' in your head. you really just can't ignore her, no matter how much you want to.

no, instead, you have to hurt her more—put her through so much pain that she dies.

and so, you'll do just that; raising your hips, forcing them back down, while your face becomes disgusting with tears and snot. the gross sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through the room of your quiet penthouse, along with your moan-like sobs and the occasional grunt from under you, and an all too familiar pressure being pounded closer and closer until release.

it all makes her scream and beg louder, cry harder, with each passing second, until your body jolts—a shiver runs up your spine, your lips tremble. there's a white noise ringing in your ears, muting the little girl.

you feel like you've been engulfed in static. even though the hands that are on your hips continue to move you, riding out your orgasm, you don't feel much. you feel fuzzy, but you can't even tell if it feels good or not.

before you know it, you're laying back down on your bed. your pussy throbs, hole clenching around nothing, and your heart is beating so fast that it feels like it's going to stop any second. your sight is blurry with tears, but you don't know if you're still crying; though, your eyes still dart around aimlessly, catching a glimpse of a used condom being tied and then thrown somewhere.

there's weight shifting around your bed, you think someone's talking to you while it happens, but you can't hear them. a warm comforter is brought over you, and the weight now rests besides you.

your mind goes blank, the sight of the little girl completely lost.

—

you wake up more refreshed than usual, but there's an ache between your thighs and a pounding in your head, on top of feeling as gross as any other day. though, you're not plagued by discomfort while laying in your bed, so you shut your eyes again, ready to sleep away your headache; unfortunately, indistinguishable yelling from downstairs denies you of your rest.

guess you should go see what the commotion is.

though, the first step out of your bed and you almost collapse. i mean, you're well aware that you had sex, but you don't exactly remember the last bits too well; once your younger self left, you did too. maybe you pushed yourself a little too hard, but if that meant being able to lay in your bed without having nightmares for at least one night, you were fine with it.

but nevertheless, you have to face the day too, to see if things have actually changed.

you drag yourself over to your dresser to put on clean underwear, before pulling your comforter off the bed. you wrap the warmth around yourself, and head out of your room, trying not to trip over yourself.

"you slept with my daughter." looking over the railing to the floor below, you see your dad holding up hanma against the wall with a gun. right… he's probably enraged about that, for good reason. "give me one fucking reason i shouldn't lodge a bullet into your skull, hanma shūji."

though, hanma looks relaxed, delighted even about a gun being pointed at him, as if this isn't a big deal at all. "well, kisaki, i don't think you want your daughter to witness a murder, right?" he answers, gesturing over to you upstairs. your dad looks up at you in shock, before hanma adds on, "i especially don't think she'd like to see the last guy she fucked shot right in front of her, yeah?"

your dad snaps back to hanma, ready to shoot him point blank for that comment, but he resists the urge because of you. he socks the man in his gut, before turning back to you. "sweetheart, please go back to your room," he asks through gritted teeth, tucking the gun into the holster under his arm. he's trying not to scare you, but you're still concerned about hanma. "i said, go back to your—"

"please don't be mad at hanma!" you plead, resulting in a surprised look from your father.

"yeah… exactly…" hanma mutters, holding his stomach where he was punched. "like i said, i was trying to help her out… you know, help her recover from what you did."

what?

you stare at hanma with bewilderment, and your dad looks at him just as confused… you think, at least.

hanma gives you an all too knowing look, before turning back to the man in front of him. "seriously, why are you mad at me? i mean, you're the one who raped your daughter in the first place."

you heart drops.

and when you hear the little girl, back from nowhere, cry 'dad, you're hurting me,' your body drops to the floor too.

you were right; there's no escape to all of this.

#tw dubcon #tw past trauma #tokyo revengers smut #tokyo revengers x reader #hanma shuuji x reader #tw dark content #tw age gap #this was written in the span of 6 months #so its probably not my best work #but its nice to post again

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trinemendes · 2 years ago

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Shawn Mendes on Pausing his Tour and why he shaved his head

The singer-songwriter talks about putting his mental health first: 'The last year and a half has been the most eye-opening and growing and beautiful and just healing process of my life'

Celebrity haircuts aren't typically breaking news, but then again most celebrities aren't Shawn Mendes.

Since his days of uploading pop covers to YouTube and Vine in the 2010s, he has become a global sensation, with four No. 1 spots on the Bilboard 200 chart, three Grammy nominations and 71 million followers on Instagram. So when the musician debuted a closely cropped 'do in January, his fans wondered: What happened to his flowing curls? And why?

"I think everyone should know what they look like with a shaved head," Mr. Mendes, 24, said in an interview last week. "I also was just feeling this urge to just shake myself up a little bit."

The hair is just a small change in a year of major transformation for Mr. Mendes. Last July, halfway through his "Wonder" world tour, he canceled his remaining dates to focus on his mental health, a move that made international headlines. Since then, he's been seeing a therapist and spending more time with friends and family in Los Angeles.

Now, after some time away from music, he's getting back in the studio. "I'm at the point where I'm like, OK, I'm ready to start making some songs,' which is exciting," he said. Here, he talks about therapy, singing in the shower and Sally Rooney.

What time do you get up on Mondays, and what's the first thing you do after waking up?

I wake up around 7. I get out of bed, I drink a liter of water and I get in the car to go to a coffee shop. I meet some friends for coffee, and we chat for about an hour and a half.

How do you like your breakfast? And does someone prepare it for you, or do you make it yourself?

usually make it. It's pretty simple. I'll make three scrambled eggs and a couple pieces of toast and I'll make a little avocado egg toast situation.

In 2020, you were often spotted walking around your neighborhood with a coffee mug that looked empty to some observers. What was in it?

The coffee was in it, always.

How do you decide what to wear?

I was just looking at my closet. I wear a lot of the same things. I think my friends would probably say that they see me wearing the same sweater every day, which is true when I wear it to the coffee shop. But it's pretty chill. Ilike to have a tank top on with a cardigan and some jeans and that's pretty much my go-to.

Do you meditate?

Meditation has really changed my life. I also am really into doing saunas and ice baths and stuff like that.

Speaking of, you put up a TikTok on Christmas of yourself doing a cold plunge in a river. How often do you do extreme things for self-care?

I mean, listen, I'm kind of crazy when it comes to the ice baths. I have one, so I do it a lot. I do it probably five, six times a week. I know it's a lot, but people who know me know that when I get on something that I like for the first little bit, I can be a little bit obsessive.

Last year you told fans you were canceling your tour dates to focus on mental health. What was that like for you?

The process was very difficult. A lot of doing therapy, a lot of trying to understand how I was feeling and what was making me feel that way. And then doing the work to help myself and heal. And also leaning on people in my life to help a little bit. It's been a lot of work, but I think the last year and a half has been the most eye-opening and growing and beautiful and just healing process of my life. I'm also really grateful for all the people that were so accepting and loving and kind and understanding. And it just really made me see how culture is really starting to get to a place where mental health is really becoming a priority.

You're newly working with jeweler David Yurman. When did you start wearing jewelry? How would you advise a man who's looking for a place to start with it?

I think Istarted wearing jewelry properly when I was 17. I started with a ring, a silver ring. I think you have to start with one piece, like a necklace or a ring or a bracelet and see how it makes you feel. Commit to it for a week. Don't feel the need to be wearing tons of rings or tons of necklaces or bracelets or whatever. Just put on what you feel good at your pace and you'll start to build your own aesthetic, which can be a really fun process.

Do you sing in the shower?

I do, for sure. I still have a lot of insecurities when it comes to singing, so I take that opportunity to let it go.

What are you watching and reading?

Ijust started watching this series called "Normal People." There's a book by Sally Rooney. Do you know about it? It's pretty incredible. What am I reading? I was reading "On the Road" for a minute. I got halfway through it.

What's one piece of advice you've gotten that's guided you?

Understanding how setting boundaries does not make you an unkind person has really changed my life. And also understanding that it's not easy to do. It's a difficult thing to do. It feels uncomfortable. It makes other people feel a little uncomfortable for a moment, but ultimately it's a very powerful and helpful thing to do for every relationship. So yeah, boundary-setting is not mean, it's actually very important. It's very kind, actually. (x)

#shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #mendes army #interview

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hurtramblings · 1 year ago

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Let's Get Personal, Pt. II

· 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? What I'm learning is that the negative self image that I once had of myself is not a true reflection of the person that I am or the person that my true friends and loved ones know me to be. Am I happy with who I have become? I don't think I'm quite to that point just yet but I'm slowly starting to come around.

· 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? Hate: The sounds of someone crying because their sad or they've been hurt by me or by someone else. Love: The laughter of those that I love.

· 28: What’s your biggest “what if”? My greatest fear that I have had since I was teenager is that I will end up alone. So, "What If" that fear isn't true and I end up surrounded by the love of my life and my son and grandchildren.

· 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Ghosts: Eh... Sort of. Aliens: I do believe that there are other worlds in and outside our galaxy.

· 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Right Arm: Air. Left Arm: Air

· 31: Smell the air. What do you smell? I don't smell anything.

· 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? I have been a lot of places in my 36 years of life but I have yet to actually go somewhere I hate.

· 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? East Coast, I was born on the West Coast but the older I get the further east I see myself going.

· 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? At the moment, I'm smitten for Hayley Williams of Paramore.

· 35: To you, what is the meaning of life? I'll come back and edit this when I figure it out.

· 36: Define Art. @heavenly37 - A gorgeous masterpiece.

· 37: Do you believe in luck? Not exactly.

· 38: What’s the weather like right now? At the moment it's clear and probably hot and humid.

· 39: What time is it? 4:19 AM... At least it was when I started this. Now it's 7:35 PM.

· 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I can drive and I am thankful to say that I have never caused an accident.

· 41: What was the last book you read? The Bible, KJV

· 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? For whatever reason, the smell of gasoline is something I do enjoy.

· 43: Do you have any nicknames? None that I'm ready to reveal here.

· 44: What was the last film you saw? "The Flash"

· 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? Pinched nerve in my neck, when you made the slightest wrong move either sitting down, standing up or laying down it would pulse and shut down any kind of movement. To fix it, I went to a doctor and they gave me a cocktail (injection mixture) that numbed the nerve for several hours. I had to do physical therapy and use a tens unit to correct this.

· 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? Never caught one but have had one land on me before. Beautiful bugs.

· 47: Do you have any obsessions right now? @heavenly37 and she knows about it.

· 48: What’s your sexual orientation? Straight.

· 49: Ever had a rumor spread about you? Who hasn't? I can't tell you what it was but I think there were some when I was in High School but I know for sure that people talked about me behind my back at the job I was at the longest.

· 50: Do you believe in magic? I did as a teenager but the older I get the less I believe in magic.

There's more coming but I'm gonna take a break for now.

#me #about me #number four #ask

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dearmomimissyou · 3 months ago

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Today's been fucking awful. I was struggling to go to sleep this morning cause I kept wanting to reach out and talk to Manuel and even started writing a list of questions I wanted to ask him and a proa/cons list of not reaching out again/cutting him off or whatever. Around 6 am somebody called me saying that they saw miss Phyre at liberty park. I immediately short circuited. I woke up dad and we went down as quickly as possible. While we're driving he mentions that it's possible that the person was just saying that they saw miss Phyre but just want the money or something which yeah I get that. And honestly I hadn't really thought about it til then that it could be a set up. I had thought that maybe he was wrong like wrong cat or something but like how many orange cats with broken tails are there really?

When we pull up he's fighting with the house owner cause apparently the cat has been here over a year and I was immediately confused. I showed a picture of her to the owner and he said that he's never seen her around. There's another cat that they've been feeding. It's a small Grey tabby that's missing most of its tail. It occurred to me at that moment that I should have asked for pictures of the cat before just rushing down.

When I got home I just kept crying basically and started spiraling. I reached out to Nemo and talked to them on their 10 minute break and that helped me enough to go to sleep. Right before I could go to sleep though Dave called since him dad and shad are going to the dirt this week and asked to talk about therapy. I told him that they reached out on Tuesday I think about them still searching for a therapist for me. He also mentioned how I need to get the inpatient shit fixed because if it goes to collections they'll garnish Austun's wages for it. So I immediately spiraled over that sent a text apologizing to Austun if it happens and set up a plan to call pet link to officially mark miss Phyre missing and then do insurance when I woke up.

Woke up at 330isb and called pet link but they said because I'm not on the tag info I had to transfer it so I sent an email to the last vet I took her to to get her vet records to hopefully submit and get it transferred to me so I can mark her missing idk. That whole thing made me want to talk to Manuel which made me spiral hard so I reached out to Nemo again and we talked for an hour and a half and I decided to nap. I got off the phone with Nemo and before napping I decided to call Manuel thinking that he wouldn't answer cause he's either busy or sleeping or ignoring me and it would be the last time I reached out to him but he answered and I immediately broke and started crying and asked if he could come hang out.

He showed up and we talked mostly me crying honestly and freaking the fuck out on myswlf and brain and shit idk. If I'm honest I can't really remember it which fucking sucks cause it was literally like twenty minutes ago. He stayed for an hour or so actually I think over an hour. He eventually left be ause he had to go to April's party since Austun is there. He's not been ha ING a good week between detoxing and his new job position he's been freaking out. Plus he's sick right now cause he drank a half gallon of milk while he's fucking lactose intolerant.

I don't know if I feel. Better now after talking to him. I guess I kinda do. I really really don't want to be alone right now but that's not going to change any time soon unfortunately. I'm probably going to go back to sleep. Maybe I'll call Nemo in the morning and tell them thay I slipped. I don't know.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to be here anymore in this place physically and mentally. I fucking need a God damn therapist. I'm running out of Prozac and I don't know what to do.

I really fucking do want to get better and live. I do. It just seems like everything is trying to fucking drag me down.

I'm going to play some phone games til 8 feed poe and then turn on a bit late and go to sleep.

Love you always.

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jeonqkooks · 1 year ago

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to my dearest beloved ♡ just like that, the tailend of summer is upon us. has the blistering heat been treating you alright? hopefully you kept yourself hydrated and fed to ward out fatigue. what have you been up to these days? has work been smooth? have you seen any movies or shows as of late? i certainly hope you've had time for yourself amidst the chaos of life, here and there.

i've taken the time to look through your blog to catch up the last little while, and remembered that you used to have a tag for me! i filtered through it and felt myself grow guilty since you left me posts and messages there that i hadn't seen -- i'm sorry for leaving you speaking into the void; for not answering your calls. i know it's not enough to respond now but for what it's worth, i'm eternally grateful you think of me and leave me behind notes for me to open up whenever i happen to swing by. i'll try to make up for a pixel of what you provide to me in these letters of mine ♡

you told me in a previous reply that you'll be going home in november! is that still the plan? how are you feeling about that? are you excited, nervous, a little bit of both? hopefully all goes smoothly by that time and you are greeted with love by your family. will you be staying long, for the visit? hopefully you also enjoy all the homecooked meals and mini adventures i'm sure you'll get up to. i've only ever gone to vn once in my life, when i was a tiny kid -- i don't remember much now. (other than the vendors selling bánh canh for breakfast and me burning my left calf on a motorcycle exhaust ;-; i still have the scar!)

as for about me the last little while, life has been dizzying but in a good way. (1) i've recently gotten promoted at work (*´︶`*) ! which is crazy to me, because i've only been working at my clinic for just over a year... i had maybe 48 hours of full-on freakouts about the matter, feeling the suckerpunch of imposter syndrome and anxiety, but it was ultimately my circle of those closest to me that encouraged me to take the position ;u; it's going to be a huge, HUGE professional shift for me but it will open more doors than i could imagine. i'll be biting my fist probably the first 3 months into this but! slow and steady!!! (2) truly entering the era of seeing friends getting engaged and going to wedding ceremonies, left and right. it's making me excitedly nervous of hoping one of my closest friends will pop the news one day too! (i will bawl my eyes out, rip me and my makeup.) my love and i have gotten to the point in our relationship where we freely say to each other things like do you think we could have that at our wedding too? and okay but a good portion of our budget should go to the food, duh HAHA many people are asking us when is our turn, as we're hitting 6.5 years in august, but we're obviously not ready yet -- and that's okay~ we got the roles down though, of who would organize/take care of what, since he knows how much planning helps me feel safe and secure (TヮT) (3) i'm optimistic of how my strained relationships with certain family members will pan out, since i've been actively going to therapy to help heal my inner child from feelings of abandonment and pressure of being the eldest girl. it's oddly taboo to talk about actually receiving therapy, despite it being encouraged all the time in modern day today; i always get a pitiful look whenever i tell someone in passing that therapy has actually been helping me the last two months. it makes me a little sad knowing judgment still circulates for mental health but i suppose it's more of a mental game for me to get over.

goodness, my letters are out of control in terms of length. i'm sorry for breaking your screen and possibly your brain, jen love. take your time with this -- and maybe you wish not to respond at all and that's okay with me too. just know that i'm thinking of you, wholeheartedly, and am sitting down with a cup of tea beside you for a chat.

i miss you, eternally. thương thương~

with all my love,

cee ♡

can you imagine the way i soared when i came back from making dinner to see this in my inbox.. every time you swing by i swear it makes my whole day :')

the weather has been so weird here lately. just last week i was feeling like a lobster being boiled alive lol and now it's so cold that everyone's busting out their sweaters and hoodies again. work is okay, altho i'm getting restless and i'm already on the hunt for the next thing 😰 one of my closest friends here (who's also my roommate) is moving away in a few days so i've also been thinking about moving to another country

i'm so behind on all of my shows bc i'm getting into TXT 😂 tho i did go and see Barbie yesterday and that was the first time i ever cried in a movie theater lol

i do mean it when i say that i miss you on tumblr a lot and whenever certain things happen, i just think "I WISH I COULD TELL CEE" 😂 i'll leave all my notes to you under your tag from now on hehehhee. but ofc please never feel guilty about not seeing them. i know my blog isn't the most organized space and chaos ensues here every day hahahaha, but more importantly i know you've got a lot of things going on and i'm just grateful that you're here in any capacity at all <3

the plan is still to go home in november! i bought my plane ticket back in may :D i'll only be there for about 3 weeks, which is kinda short considering i haven't been back since early 2020, but oh well. i had to coordinate with my sister so we could both be there at the same time (she moved to canada so now geographically she's even closer to you than i am 😂). from now on i'd like it if i could go back every year but we shall see how things turn out! i've been so excited about it ever since i got the ticket (tho i can't say i'm looking forward to the 16hr long flight) and i've had to start putting myself on a diet in preparation for three whole weeks of nonstop eating once i'm back home lol. believe it not, i have never had bánh canh in my 23 years on this earth 😂 am i failing my people 😂

congratulations on your promotion!! your friends have probably talked your ears off about this but you're so smart and hardworking and you deserve this so so much <33 i'm glad to hear that you've started therapy too. i know it's not a very widely accepted concept in our culture but it's a huge step, and i'm proud of you for taking it <3 every time you mention your beloved i just go :')) bc you two are so wholesome it's like maybe!jk coming to life 😂 happy 6.5-year anniversary to you in advance <3

you could send me a whole thesis-length letter and i'd still ask for more 😂 thank you for popping in and letting my july end on a happy note. love you and miss you always, thương thương ♡

#cee 💌#answered

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angeldcgs · 10 months ago

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though rufus would probably worship the ground she walked on no matter what she did, bronte still made sure to spoil him with more love and affection than he knew how to process. those familiar with therapy terms only via tweets and tiktoks would call it lovebombing; she would justify her actions by saying she was just trying to give him everything he'd missed out on all those years he'd spent away from civilization. he was like an alien sometimes, having been back in the real world long enough to know how to appear normal, but once you talked to him for more than twenty minutes, it became apparent that he was from a different planet entirely. she'd been having an absolute ball introducing him to movies and music most people their age grew up with, encouraging him to try new foods and giving him a crash course on everything from pop culture, to politics, to sex. "not a long term answer, necessarily, but it seems like the best option for you two right now. you'll have your own apartment, rufus will be up here with me. think of it as a stepping stone, if it helps. just a place to stay while you get your feet on the ground, and once your finances are in order, you can figure out what works best for you." that day would never come, bronte was certain. no matter how hard he worked at whatever entry level job he'd somehow managed to score, gus would never have enough to comfortably support the two of them without assistance, and god knows the government wouldn't be coughing it up. "you don't have to be apart of anything you don't want to, either. you'd mostly be here for your brother's comfort, but i do ask that in exchange for rent, you help out with the maintenance around here. just simple stuff, clogs and leaks mostly. and then, of course, if i have to evict a tenant— which i only do after a major violation of the ground rules, by the way— if i ever do have to do that, it'd be nice to have some muscle to back me up, since i don't believe in law enforcement. and you're welcome to have a job while you're here; part time, preferably. 40 hour work weeks will put you in an early grave." if that deal wasn't good enough for him, she didn't know what would be. he could continue living his life as normal, for the most part, but he would be doing it while living in an actual apartment, and his brother would be kept well fed and well fucked. to ask for anything more than that would simply be greedy. all she needed was to get him to move in, and then she could work on getting him to stay for good.

"gus, i just—" for the first time since meeting him, she wilted, shoulders slumping as she sighed, tone taking on an exasperated quality as if she were trying to explain a complex concept to a toddler. "i don't think you understand, about your brother... he's not like you. some people just aren't capable of supporting themselves, and that's ok. he has caretakers who are willing to shoulder that responsibility, so he doesn't have to worry." bronte had no sort of degree in psychology, but she could tell when someone simply didn't have what it took to survive on their own, or when doing so would cause them an immense amount of mental and psychological pain. rufus needed someone, and gus seemed more than willing to spend his whole life taking care of his brother, but rufus wouldn't be content with that— not a hopeless little loverboy like him. he couldn't live without the sort of companionship that bronte offered, and she was willing to bet than gus was just as desperate for it beneath all his layers of repression and stubbornness. though she wasn't putting an estimation on it just yet, she'd be able to break him down if given enough time. "maybe it won't," she shrugged, fully knowing it would if she wanted it to. "you're both welcome to leave if it doesn't, i won't keep you here. you can even use me as a reference if you need to find new housing, i'll vouch for you." what more could he possibly fight her on? all rational arguments were falling flat when matched against bronte's ability to spin anything in her favor, and at the end of the day, it wasn't gus' decision to make. "i know i haven't been the most friendly to you, i'm sorry about that... i'm a very passionate person, i'm sure you can understand that. it's just because i care, y'know? about both of you. i don't really have anyone i consider family now... what you two have is really special, and i'm just trying to make it so that rufus has space for the both of us in his life."

how she thought antagonising him would help bring him onto her side, gus didn't know but it wouldn't work. he was able to admit that she was right about certain things, it wasn't enough to prove her point and have him throw away the life he was trying to build for himself and gus. upon managing to escape their father's white-knuckled grasp, he'd known immediately that things were going to be difficult for them when they returned back to civilisation. rufus was excited, happy to finally have a chance at normality which he felt he could excel at but gus wasn't so confident, he had memories of how the world worked and while it was better than the alternative of being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a man ready to beat them for the slightest bit of disobedience, it wasn't going to be a piece of cake either. raising his voice and getting angry would do nothing to prove that he was capable of existing and managing the stress that came with trying to be an adult in a capitalist society, it was extremely tempting though. "and so your answer is for me to give up and come live here and do what exactly? you still haven't told me what any of this is about except wanting to fuck my brother." rufus wasn't going anywhere without gus following, that much was apparent but what rules would he then be forced into following? if they didn't need to work for money to pay rent, were they just supposed to sit around all day? or was bronte seeking payment in the form of having rufus, was he promising them both safety in the form of giving her his body and whatever else she craved? if he wasn't so steadfast on staying by his brother's side then it was likely the offer wouldn't have even been extended to him, which only made it feel more disgusting of a suggestion. "i'm learning, and he'll never do the same if he stays here and gets shit handed to him." was it wrong to want his brother to learn how to survive? they'd spent their entire lives relying on someone, not in the normal way a child relies on their parent but instead something much more dangerous, where their very lives would have been at risk if they hadn't followed his orders to an exact tee. he tensed at the mention of bringing rufus in, not because he was intimidated by him but instead because he knew it'd be much harder to fight a battle for him when he was there arguing. they both agreed on the same fact, rufus hadn't lived a life and they wanted to help him, gus' way of doing it was to work hard and try to pull them up onto their feet so they could return to the society they'd been snatched from, bronte wanted to tear him away from it like their father had and feed him with buttery lies about how they could escape from the struggles of every day life and could forever exist in a pretty bubble so long as he obeyed her rules. whether he liked it or not, he knew that rufus was stubborn and if he really wanted to stay with bronte, there was very little he could actually do to stop him. if he stayed, there was the possibility he could try and keep him out of trouble, he could keep working on the side and save up some money to eventually have enough to move them away. by that point, he could have convinced rufus enough of how precarious their situation with bronte was, and maybe he would have even gotten bored enough to leave without a fight. "it's not going to last." he argued weakly, on his last legs with what he could use to try and rebuttal against bronte's neverending tirade. "he doesn't know what he's doing here, it'll be fun for a while and then he's going to get bored and he's going to want something different and he'll leave you in the dust. i can't afford to have our lives resting on whether or not he still wants you."

#{ bronte ferguson — thread }#{ bronte vs. gus }#thcophagy

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