#i have the grabbiest hands right now

[kuwdora]

oh season 4 witcher table read video and pics dropping, yup yup yup. i see my 16 other witcher mutuals also jumping around on my dashboard in excitement, HELLOOO.

[abbynx]

La Squadra as babies

because I’ve been babysitting a bunch of them this week and got an idea about it

Genre: Platonic, headcanons, wholesome 

Warning: Kids, cursing

Formaggio 

- A very happy baby. The cute little bean always has a smile on his face when he wakes up from a nap, when he sleeps, and just has the most adorable and contagious laughter. 

- Rarely cries, so that’s an advantage. Like, this boy-- omg, he probably just laughs at people’s angry expression instead of being affected by them. 

- Extremely playful and finds joy in every little thing. So if one is feeding him, he just grabs the spoon, play with it and makes a mess instead of eating. And by this, it won’t be easy to lull him to sleep because he is very active, so you’ll be having the hard time to rock him to sleep. 

- Tries his utmost best to imitate human speech early, but all that’s coming out of his mouth is gibberish. Babble along with him, he enjoys them.

Illuso

- Very stoic baby. Just-- he’s so expressionless that it is creepy to some, but if that’s right up your alley, then there you go. 

- Does not want to be picked up, and will throw a fit a someone does pick him up. So kindly, and slowly put him down as he pouts up at you with his brows knit together. 

- Will cry if someone pulls on his hair ever so slightly, so it’s best to place him in his own corner away from grabby handed babies. No joke, he will throw a fit if something pulled on his hair even just a little bit. 

- Does not need too much attention but if he needs it, he will demand it. So go ahead, pick him up and see what you can do about his whining and crying. All in all, you have nothing to worry about if you don’t burst his bubble of personal space and give him all he needs. 

Proscioutto 

- Independent baby who needs no mama-- okay but seriously, this baby somehow is independent. So yes, you got yourself a low maintenance child who knows what he wants 

- Despite this independence of him there are things he can’t do, like standing up. And even if he doesn’t know how to do it, he will attempt to do so and this might result into disaster. So you will still need to watch over him

- It’s easy to figure out what he is crying about, because he’ll usually point at it. But don’t worry, he doesn’t really cry that much so you won’t have to worry about anything. 

- Extremely unamused to baby games. Peak-a-boo? nope, he’ll just stare at you with his resting bitch face, probably mentally thinking, ‘What are you doing? Do I look that dumb to you? Do think by covering your face I won’t be able to see you? do you think I’ll go out looking for you? no. I can do things on my own.” Well jokes on him, he can’t even walk yet. 

Pesci

- Clingy child will not let go of you so if you need to leave, you’re going to need to put someone beside him so that he can cling to them. Give him Proscuitto, as the babs doesn’t really mind being grabbed. 

- Will cry if he is alone, so it’s best for him to be placed in a group. He likes playmates and he will be basically okay when he is with someone. 

- He likes drinking milk a lot, so you’ll need to make him drink in every two hours and by this he needs to be picked up from the play pen to drink. For a moment he’ll whine because he just abandoned his friends, but will immediately shut up when he had the bottle in his mouth.

- It’s easy to lull him to sleep, thankfully and he is quite the heavy sleeper you don’t have anything to worry about. 

Melone 

- If you have hair, especially long hair, for the love of all good things make sure you tie it and keep it away from his reach. Are you wearing something sparkly dangling earrings? Get rid of it if you do not want to sustain earlobe injuries. Glasses? Oh sis no, get rid of it and take care of the children blind because okay now you get the point-- this is the grabbiest child that has ever been grabby. 

- At even a young age, he has fascination towards everything and is just the curious bundle of beans and will no hesitate to grab something, tug it and just play with it. So due to his grabby nature, you need to segregate him away from the child with long hair and will throw a fit if someone grabbed his hair.  

- If grabbing things was not enough, sometimes he’ll put things in his mouth so watch out. So far he has put his hand in his mouth, your hair, a stuffed bear, and among other things, he has also tried to put Ghiaccio’s hand in his mouth. 

- He is fairly easy to manage, it’s just that he likes to examine things but other than that, he isn’t that difficult to look after. He stays in place, complies to sleepy time, and eats whatever you want to feed him. 

Ghiaccio 

- Oh no here comes the screaming child. He gets what he wants and he will get it, or else he will make the others cry with his loud screaming and toy throwing. Don’t worry this is only occasional.

- He is a force to be reckoned with, but you can always calm him down by picking him up and putting him in a corner to have a cool down. Most of the times he screams like this is when he is overwhelmed by sounds and he’s tired, so it’s best to put him to sleep. 

- For the love of anything holy, do not wake him up. Just don’t. Especially in the middle of the night, or you’d have to calm eight babies and try to put them to sleep again, one by one. 

- He can be playful, but sets up boundaries and makes it clear that no one would bite him. See Melone as an example, whom Ghiaccio didn’t hesitate to throw a wooden building block at the grabby baby after Melone tried to bite Ghia. 

Risotto 

- Extremely quiet and behaved... Or so you thought. So this child is behaved so that’s good, you left for a moment to take care of the other rambunctious children of the bunch, then all of the sudden, he is gone and can be found nowhere.

- Once found, make sure he is at the line of your sight because I swear, this boy doe not even know how to walk and yet he is perched atop the highest shelf out of your reach. 

- Other than that, he is well-mannered, well-behaved and won’t make much of a fuss and he is very obedient. He shares toys to everyone and gets along with them. 

- He is also difficult to lull to sleep. You’d think he’s sleeping already so you set him in the crib and a few minutes later you see him attempting to get out of his crib. So make sure he fully falls asleep and make sure you make the height of his guard rails taller. 

Gelato 

- He is always asleep, so kindly don’t wake him up or you’ll have to wrangle hell’s hound. In moments wherein he is awake, he is one of the rambunctious kiddies so watch out, he likes throwing toys at people for fun unlike Ghiaccio. He will laugh at the sound of the others crying. 

- It’s difficult to feed him good luck. He’s so dang stubborn at the sight of the approaching spoon, so he’ll turn away and just look away from you. And if there’s a time you’d place the spoon in his mouth he’d spit the food back at the spoon. But if you do this to the point of being annoying, he’ll finally swallow his food. 

- He is clingy and always want to be lifted up for some reason. He will throw a fit if you put him down so good luck carrying him around. 

- Gelato has an attachment with a blue, studded teddy bear. It’s crucial you don’t try and pry it away from him. Along with that, a certain child named Sorbet. Please don’t separate them form each other. 

Sorbet 

- Likes to hog toys and that will make the others cry. So kindly try and persuade him to share his toys, he is a reasonable kid so it would be a little less difficult for you to try and convince him to not keep the toys all to himself... 

- But of course, he’s a bit of a negotiator himself and wants something in return. Usually wants an extra cookie, which is bad because that will spoil his appetite but you win some, you lose some. 

- So remember when I said Gelato is extremely clingy to you and wants to be carried around? And in addition to you he also doesn’t want to be separated from Sorbet? Yes, you’re carrying two kids and a blue stuffed bear. 

- Make sure he and Gelato shares a crib. Because if you separate them, they will find ways to climb out of their cribs just so they can lay down and sleep together. So spare yourself a headache, put them in the same crib. 

[polyamoroamer]

Rational Poly Men(TM)

So, you've been polyamorous for a little while, maybe even a big while. You meet this guy. He's funny, quick off the mark, intelligent, friendly. He's got a lot of polyamorous friends, some people even consider him a 'polyamory expert'. He may or may not modestly deny this. He isn't close to most of his ex partners, if any. They were frequently too controlling, too jealous, unwilling to do the necessary self work that polyamory requires. He's smooth. Maybe he even tells you he no longer really experiences jealousy, or gives some terribly minor, long-ago examples of it to prove empathy.

Maybe you end up dating him, or watching him date someone close to you. Let's say it's your friend, S. She's very empathetic, a warm, loving person. She's not completely new to polyamory, but she hasn't had many close relationships within this framework. She cares a lot about those around her and will always try to make time to show you she loves you. You regard S as a very good friend, and a good partner to those she dates - always willing to work on her own issues before taking it out on the other person.

You watch as she transitions from the initial elation and progressively becomes more and more unhappy and nervous, then happy again by turns. She confides in you, more than she ever has. Mr Rational has all these fights with his longterm primary partner. She hasn't spent much time with her, but she sounds pretty controlling. It's like she doesn't want Mr R to spend any time with S.

Of course, she says, he gives his primary so much leeway but he can only give her so much, right? They both agreed to polyamory, and it's not fair for her to ask him to stop seeing S entirely.

Eventually, S seems more steady, a bit more sure of her position. She's started spending time with Ms Primary, and they get on surprisingly well - both very courteous and always making sure they help each other get what they need in their relationships with Mr R, without hurting him in the process. It occurs to you that Mr R seems to be being very passive here - he's almost more like a toy letting himself be passed between two partners rather than a man with agency who can deliberately make time for either of them. He may or may not. seem to have one form of input, however: the suggestion that Ms P and S start seeing each other sexually too. S may view this as a kind willingness to share the affection of his partners.

Mr R starts seeing someone new. Suddenly S is nervous, vulnerable, confiding in you again, and closer to Ms Primary than ever before. They try to talk to Mr R together - even Ms P can see that Mr R is neglecting his relationship with S. Not to mention her own relationship with him. S tells you that Mr R doesn't do anything at the house, that Ms P is stuck doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry... Sometimes, she whispers, it's almost like he keeps her as a housekeeper rather than a partner.

They confront him together. Mr R accuses them both of jealousy, ganging up on him, of being controlling, too insecure to deal with the realities of polyamory. Because she is kind, and easily led to believe she is in the wrong, S starts working on her insecurities and issues with jealousy. You note that Mr R stays distant from this processing and doesn't offer noticeable support. Perhaps he is still too caught up in NRE.

This is a hypothetical situation, based off what I've seen in a few polycules I've encountered over the years. My first (secondhand) experience of polyamory was watching two (and then more) friends go through something akin to this. Mr R is one of my close friends, and so is Ms P, and now S, and many others. They are also Pete and Bea and Flora, they are also Franklin Veaux (Eve Rickert's coauthor in writing More Than Two) and his partners. They are also those guys I meet at festivals and out and about. The beautiful ones who are simultaneously drop dead gorgeous, charming and utterly yawn-inducing in their similarity. Mr 2Evolved4U.

Mr Rational Poly Man: Simultaneously active in the pursuit of new connections and absolutely, unbearably passive in the maintenance of current ones. The guys who start seeing someone new and it's down to whoever has the grabbiest hands to spend time with him. If you're sad about him not making the effort to see you, it's your fault for not demanding that time. If he doesn't want to spend that time with you, it's your fault for being too controlling. If you feel insecure or jealous, it's because you can't handle polyamory. Maybe you just want him to be monogamous with you, huh?

Mr Rational Poly Man frequently has at least one partner who bends over backwards to enable his lifestyle of pursuing new partners. Usually a woman, she takes on the role of mother, doing his laundry, his cooking, his cleaning, possibly even in some cases she is the sole breadwinner. She has little time to pursue new relationships herself, or even maintain the ones she does have. She is too busy being two adults, and looking after a man child.

This is more or less just a warning post, and a reminder that those guys who believe somehow that they're terribly rational are usually complete bellends. 'I don't feel jealousy anymore, I'm beyond it' often means: 'I have caring and empathetic partners who do their best to maintain our relationship as well as forming new ones, and I take it for granted'.

In my experience, when a Rational Poly Man feels jealousy, because his partner is maybe finally thinking of leaving him, or because they have formed a new, intense relationship and are maybe showing less care than they usually would, it's a messy explosion of rage. Because the coddling has momentarily stopped, and poor baby can't handle it.

M was not quite a Rational Poly Man, but he definitely sometimes bordered on it. The one time in our relationship where I behaved with a new partner the way he did every time (sexually interacting with them and not wanting to with him), he threw a complete tantrum and actually, it made me feel a little better about my behaviour in that moment, because while it was shitty, it was important for me to see how much I'd been catering to him and how little he'd been doing the same for me, though I genuinely believe he was trying to in his own way. And that was only a lowkey version of this.

Don't be taken in by Rational Poly Men. It's just a ballache waiting to happen, and a lacklustre experience in every way. Realistically though, they do tend to be very good in bed (or so I am led to believe) so it can be hard to let that go for a lot of people. Just remember there are always more people out there who either are good in bed, or are willing and quick to learn.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.