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pleasantlyinsincere · 2 years ago

Text

John and Julian (and Cyn) through the '70s

Last edited on 8 October 2023. All edits listed at the end. Text in between [ ] are my thoughts.

Since John and Yoko had moved into Tittenhurst in August '69 Julian often spend weekends with them there.

"And then I'd live for the weekends I spent with my dad and his new love Yoko at Ascot. My feeling toward their relationship was helped by the way I was treated. I was given incredibly expansive toys to play with and there was always something happening." Julian, 1982

Cynthia describes that she was relieved that Julian got on reasonably well with Yoko, but she was concerned by some of the more bizarre stories of what was going on at Tittenhurst park.

"One of the hardest aspects of letting Julian visit John was accepting that Yoko would presumably look after him when he was there. I didn't know what he would make of her cool manner. But in fact he seemed fine with it, and perhaps it was better for him to have a rather distant step-mother than one who was all over him. He never told me that she was unkind in any way, which was a relief. After that first weekend Peter rang regularly to arrange visits for Julian. Much to my amusement Julian had started to call Yoko Hokey-Cokey." Cynthia Lennon: John, p.314

Photos of Julian at Tittenhurst in 31 January 1970. [John and Yoko only returned from Denmark January 27th, so Julian came to see them the first weekend back.]

Rest of the timeline including pics, quotes and audio behind the cut because it got ridiculously long.

23 February 1970

An article is published in the Evening Post talking about Julian and Kyoko. It mentions that in 1969 there were four months that father and son didn't get to see each other and also spent Christmas apart.

Some quotes from John:

"Julian, last time I saw him, was a bit too protected, like all kids are. It took him two weeks to unwind, when he was last with us." "I'm not a daddy with a set of bricks to play with. When I'm with the kids, they just come along with me and be with me, whatever I'm doing." Link to article

March 1970

Over the New Year John and Yoko had spent some weeks in Denmark with Tony Cox, his new partner and Kyoko. That arrangement had worked quite well and it seems it motivated John and Yoko to try to get closer with Cynthia and Roberto also. It seems in the end not much came of these good intentions.

Up until now, when Julian came to spend the weekend at Tittenhurst Park, it was Les Anthony who shuttled him back and forth between his parents. However, shortly after their return from Denmark, John and Yoko made a conscious effort to spend time with Julian, Cynthia and her fiancé Roberto Bassanini. John later remarked: "All five of us ate together and we saw to it that the children see us all together. Maybe six of us will go on vacation with Kyoko. Julian, Cyn and Roberto, so that everyone feels secure. That's very important. In order to have peace, it's necessary to start inside the family." Lennonology, source L'Express [3/23/70]

Instead John and Yoko left for LA 23 April 1970 to undergo Primal Scream therapy with Janov. They stayed for almost five months in the US and returned to England 15 September 1970.

June 7th, 1970

While John and Yoko are in LA doing their therapy with Janov. One of the topics discussed was John's troubled relationship with his son.

The meeting, which Vivian Janov describes as 'a very strong emotional day for him,' had taken place in April, and John was making an effort to maintain communication with his son. From Los Angeles, John posted a card to Julian today: 'I'm sorry I haven't called or written much. I've been a little sick. We miss you a lot, and send you our love... won't be long till I see you'. Lennonology

After the return from the US in September Julian continued to regularly visit Tittenhurst. During those visits he usually played a lot with Les Anthonys four stepchildren, who at the time were also living on the estate.

"Once Dad had a little white shed built on an island in the middle of a lake on the grounds of the house. He had bought these little white amphi-cars that sped across the lake. The three of us all dressed in white to spend the day there. Crazy, but wonderful."Julian, 1982

In this interview Julian describes going over to Tittenhurst just to be an idiot with his dad but also how scary the big house and his bedroom situation could be to him at night.

[The floorplan of Tittenhurst (LINK) actually shows Julian's room just across the hallway from John and Yoko's room but half a stairway down. There's not really a closer bedroom and he may have been put there, so that he has his own bathroom. It being so far away, small (somewhere he or Cynthia call the room a closet) and scary are after all the memories from a child's point of view.]

For the most part the visitation arrangements seemed to have continued in 1971. In the summer, when John and Yoko were filming for the imagine documentary, Julian can be seen roaming the property with his friends.

Saturday, July 17th, 1971 With the cameras rolling, John and Yoko roamed the Tittenhurst Park grounds in a golf cart with Jill Johnston. As promised, Blue Pools delivered the new lake house, and the Lennons spotted location. More footage was taken of the house under construction, the Lennons and Johnston rowing on the lake, and Julian and the neighbor children reading excerpts from Grapefruit on camera and running amok in the fields. Lennonology

Lennonology

Julian Lennon: Tittenhurst was this enormous palace-like place with 99 acres, golf-cart buggies, a lake, a little island in the middle of the lake. It was like a house of fun. It was wonderful. I loved the place.

LINK to a longer version of the quote but in German. Not adding much just both John and Julian sharing a mutual love for Dr. Pepper at the time, playing the mellotron and the children daring each other to enter a 'haunted' building on the property.

It's also at Tittenhurst that Julian meets May Pang, who had started working for John and Yoko as an assistant through ABKCO in NY and had come to England as a messenger to bring film rolls.

"There were a lot of great moments at Tittenhurst that I do fondly remember, you know, giggling and laughing with Dad. And, as they say, shooting the shit. But it was difficult to know, you think, 'OK, well, is this going to stay? Is this what it's going to be, now? Can I count on this? Can I be here next weekend or the weekend after? Is that going to happen?' That was one of the, obviously, the hardest pill to swallow, was the constant change. You know, you thought things were going to settle down, but they just never quite did." Julian, 2018

"I lived an ideal life between then [Cyn and Roberto] and John and Yoko, but it all ended when Cynthia's marriage broke up and Dad and Yoko moved to the States." Julian, 1982

The big cut happens when on August 12th 1971 John and Yoko leave for NY and take up residence in the St. Regis Hotel.

At first their plan was to search for Kyoko, so that she too could come for visits at Tittenhurst like Julian. In September John and Yoko appeared on the Dick Cavett show and briefly talked about their wish that both their children could be with them.

youtube

Maybe a Christmas present:

Christie's auction

[In her Lost Weekend doc, May talks about Julian calling and Yoko not allowing her to put the call through to John. She says at that point they hadn't spoken for a couple of years. Then a few weeks later she is in the audience for George Harrison's appearance on Dick Cavett. The show is aired in November '71, so if there is anything to her anecdote she may mean they hadn't seen each other for two months instead of two years.]

26 May '72

"Lennon admits that he is scared to say too much publicly about the case, because it was the initial publicity that had spurred Cox to vanish. He talks about how hard it is for Ono to see pictures of her daughter: I have to hide them. Asked about his own son, Julian, he says: I don't have that 'where the hell is he?' bit. But he reveals that when they were in England, and Julian visited them every weekend, it was difficult for Ono to be with him when her own daughter wasn't there: It was killing her." source

28 May '72

Cynthia quoted in a Sunday paper: "John hasn't seen Julian since he went to America. It is rather a long time. He seems to be occupied with Yoko's daughter now. He does write to Julian, just normal letters, asking how he is getting on at school and things like that. And he sends him presents. He sent him a toy truck at Christmas. I don't keep in touch with John anymore. It's purely through Julian that we keep in contact. Julian loves his father. He follows his career in the newspapers. He goes to a private boys' school where people don't bother who he is. He went to a state school but he had problems there."

14 June '72

Cyn's complaints are repeated in the LA times, where it said that John hadn't seen Julian in eight months. "He seems to be occupied with Yoko's daughter now."

On 22 September '73 John and May leave for LA and only a few days later on 2 October '73 it is reported in the newspaper that Cyn separated from Roberto Bassanini.

Cynthia gave some interviews on her recent separation and the fact that she and Julian moved back to Hoylake, where Julian goes to private school.

"Unhappily Julian misses his father, which is only natural. We only hear from John at Christmas and when the birthdays come around." 7 October '73, Sunday Mirror

"Julian is always asking after him but of course John is in America now. It's been hard for him not seeing John for several years. This sort of thing is naturally upsetting for a child." 7 October '73, Sunday People

According to May's book, while John had broken up with her, she went to the Dakota to be with Yoko. Yoko there told her that she had decided it was time for Julian to come for a visit and May should at least reunite with John for that period to help him with it. May agreed to go back to John for two weeks, but it ends up being more like a year.

Christmas gift '73

To Julian from Daddy Christmas 1973

[Julian has sold an NFT of the black guitar. LINK ]

Shortly after Christmas '73 Julian and Cyn travel to LA to spend his school holidays with his father. They stay at least until the Happy Days taping they visit together on 5 February '74.

During the over a month long visit May writes, that they went to Disneyland three times and had brunch together the first morning. Meanwhile John is still having some wild times. Since Julian is staying with Cynthia, he goes out with May. The Kotex incident and nearly killing Jesse Ed Davis happen at the same time of this visit. May also places Cynthia asking John to have another child together during this trip.

As the visit ends May makes John promise to call Julian regularly.

"It is the right thing to do. I promise you, Fung Yee." He was silent for a while, then John said suddenly, "I really would like to keep in touch with me son." May Pang, Loving John p.168

Julian too, took a lot of positive out of the meetings around this time.

"Mum and I flew out to the States and stayed at the Beverly Hills Hotel. At least Mum did, I spend every minute of every day with my Dad and Yoko. " Julian, 1982

In later recollections Julian correctly puts the first visit in the time-frame that John was with May.

“Dad and I got on a great deal better than,” recalls Julian. “We had a lot of fun, laughed a lot and had a great time in general when he was with May Pang.” Julian in The Times, June 13 2009

May Pang: Loving John. About this visit and how it was set up.

In April 74 Julian sends a Thank you tape to John and Yoko for his birthday gift. Even though John is with May at this time, the present it seems was sent from the married couple.

The present in question according to Julian was a guitar, decorated with a mirror, writing and other stuff:

John writes to Cyn 22 June '74 a typed letter asking about Julian's holiday plans. Interestingly as the return address he gives the Dakota. He wants to send May to bring Julian.

19/20-25 July 1974 Instead of being collected by May, Julian sails with Elton John, Tony King, and Cyn per boat from Southampton to New York.

[In her book Cynthia wrongly remembers this as her first visit with John in the US. She also claims this visit was completely her initiative, which as proven by the letter wasn't the case. The whole anecdote is interesting however because she says that it was never the plan to stay with Julian, John and May but stay in NY with Jenny Boyd. Jenny apparently wasn't told about that plan, because in the end she wasn't there to home Cynthia. (May on the other hand remembers that Cynthia was staying with friends but they left without her and she was lonely, so she ended up coming with them.) In the end (and to John probably rightly or wrongly suspiciously) what was planned as just a trip for Julian with his dad turned into Cynthia coming along most of the time.]

Cynthia'a account about how this meeting was set-up and why she was with them during the trip.

Tony King in The Tastemaker simply writes: “John Lennon wanted to see his son, so I took Julian and John’s ex-wife Cynthia along with me.”

August 6th '74

John, May, Cyn and Julian return to LA for John to record Goodnight Vienna with Ringo.

In the summer while working on Walls and Bridges Julian visits the studio. He records Ya Ya with his dad.

Little interview bit with Julian about being in the studio.

August 19th, 1974

John and May take a trip to Denver. Instead of coming with them Julian stays with Cyn in LA.

When the whole vacation is coming to a close, it is decided that Julian should come for another visit for Christmas. John is clear that he wants him to come alone.

Both May Pang and Cynthia wrote about this visit in their memoirs. [Cynthia is clearly mixing up and merging the first and second trip together in her recollection of it.]

Cynthia's account.

May's account.

December 19th, 1974

Julian, accompanied by Apple staffer Steve Brendell, arrived in NY on this day for Christmas with John and May. Mimi was also invited but declined to come.

While they were in NY Yoko also came by because she wanted to greet Julian.

John, May and Julian flew to Florida on December 22. Lennon said he accepted Levy's Florida invitation "because I was so worn out anyway" from back-to-back studio projects "that I didn't know what to do with my son Julian." John figured that at Disney World, "I could sort of sit in a room or something and Julian could play with Morris's kid." John's quotes are from his trial testimony Big Seven Music Corp, 75Civ, 1116; In Stan Soocher Baby You're a Rich Man, Suing the Beatles for Fun and Money

Until 29 December they spent time in Palm Beach and later returned to Orlando (Disney World).

During this visit, Julian was helpful in influencing John and George making up and the thus the dissolution agreement of the Beatles coming along.

Julian remembers his Christmas visit with John and May fondly: “My memories of that time with Dad and May are very clear - they were the happiest time I can remember with them.” Julian in The Times, June 13 2009

May Pang in Loving John on this visit.

Cynthia writes about this visit in her book.

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Video from May Pang's Lost Weekend documentary. [She says Long Island but I guess it's Palm Beach.]

In early February 1975 John moves back into the Dakota and resumes his marriage with Yoko.

John gives an interview to SPIN magazine in early spring 1975. In it he is asked about his private life, his recent return to Yoko, what his relationship with May is like now, and also about Julian:

How about you as a father? How old is your son [Julian] now? He is 11 now. All I know is that you took him to Disneyworld … right? Yeah, that was hell. Disneyland was better, the first time, in L.A., I took him there. Because I went with a gang, and there were a few of us who were flying a little. But Disneyworld — I was there on the most crowded day of the year, around Christmas or something. Seeing him is good. What we do is irrelevant. I went through a period of, “What are we gonna do?” and all that crap. It doesn’t really matter. As long as he’s around. Cause I don’t see him that often. How is it for an 11-year-old boy to have John Lennon as a father? It must be hell. Does he talk about that to you? No, because he is a Beatle fan. I mean, what do you expect?? I think he likes Paul better than me … I have the funny feeling he wishes Paul was his dad. But unfortunately he got me … It must be hard to be son of anybody. He is a bright kid and he’s into music. I didn’t encourage him, but he’s already got a band in school. But they sing rock’n’roll songs, ’cause their teacher is my age. So he teaches them “Long Tall Sally” and a couple of Beatles numbers. He likes Barry White and he likes Gilbert O’ Sullivan. He likes Queen, though I haven’t heard them yet. He turns me on to music. I call him and he says, “Have you heard Queen?” and I say “No, what is it?” I’ve heard of them. I’ve seen the guy … the one who looks like Hitler playing a piano … Sparks? I’ve seen Sparks on American TV. So I call him and say, “Have you seen Sparks? Hitler on the piano?” and he says, “No. They are alright. But have you seen Queen?” and I say “What’s Queen?” and then he tells me. His age group is hipper to music … at 11 I was aware of music, but not too much.

Link to the SPIN interview

March 11th 1975

John is interviewed by Bob Harris on The Old Grey Whistle Test. He sends greetings to Julian, Mimi and the rest of his family in England.

unknown

30 July 1975

About Julian ... I'm lucky if I see/hear from him myself. She allowed him over here twice last year ... but insisted on coming herself! You can imagine how thrilling that was ... she thought she could walk back in coz I wasn't with yoko!! Now we're back together again she stops him phoning me ... which he did a lot last year ... once a week. He's a bright little boy ... a bit 'sneaky' like his dad ... but he's gonna need that to survive his mother! Our relationship is pretty good --- he knows where I am and what my life is like ... he thinks of me a litlle too much in terms of 'money' etc ... which is what cyn and her mother (so called) have taught him (by example). He will run right to me when he's older ... we all run somewhere ... so I can wait. I got him well hooked on America ... which isan extraordinary place to say the least ... more on that in other letters perhaps. Oh yes the baby is due in November! Conceived feb 6. I tried to send Julia to see julian ... she was given the cold shoulder. When I get to England I'll show you them both. I would love to see yours. Letter to Leila, John Lennon Letters edited by Hunter Davies

After only five months being back with Yoko, communication with Julian has become more sporadic again. To his cousin Leila John complains that it's Cynthia keeping Julian from calling and about her tagging along the previous year. He also claims that he sent Julia to check in on Julian.

Julia Baird in a '83 interview confirms John's claim to Leila, that he hadn't heard from Julian and sent his little sister to check up on him.

"He kept asking in letters and on the phone, 'Please will you go and see Julian? Will you go and see Julian? Will you go see and see Julian? I haven't heard from Julian. His mother's got a cob on. Can you please go and see what's going on?' [...] Anyway eventually Aaron persuaded me that I should go. He was the one that when we got another letter asking, 'Have you been to see Julian yet?', he said, 'Look, he's never asked you to do anything. I think you should go.' [...] We went and John had given us the address, I didn't know where it was. And she seemed very embarrassed to see me. In fact so much so, that I backed off. I just said, 'Is Julian there, please? I'd like to see him.' And she said, 'No, he's gone out.' And I just said, 'Well goodbye, then.' It was very odd, very bizarre."

In her memoir Cyn doesn't mention John sending family to check on them but has an opposing recollection of who was unreachable:

"Initially he did: he phoned Julian as before, every few weeks. But the calls became less frequent, and all too often when Julian tried to phone John he couldn't get through. Yoko, or one of their employees, would tell him that John was sleeping or busy. Discouraged, Julian would wait weeks before trying again. " Cynthia Lennon, John p. 346

1 May '76

Cyn marries John Twist. John and Yoko send a telegram: "Congratulations, good luck, God bless the three of you, John and Yoko.”

According to Cynthia a few weeks later John calls her to invite Julian over for a visit during the school holidays to meet his brother. Yoko and John take the children for a holiday to Long Island. Cynthia also writes that Julian was mugged during his stay in NY, when John told him to go out by himself to buy a harmonica he wanted.

Photos of Julian with John and Yoko in summer 1976.

The only other person I have read mention the '76 visit is John Green in Dakota Days.

As the apartment at the Dakota grew more crowded, John retreated to the quieter and more spacious southern shore of Long Island. He took Sean with him and brought Julian over from Britain. Yoko kept him posted with a barrage of phone calls. "How goes the war, Charles?" he chimed into the receiver. "No casualties so far. How goes the peace?" "Great. It's absolutely beautiful. I've got a bit of sea and a bit of green and my sons, and even once in a while I even have my wife. You should come out here and get some of this. It's delightful." Dakota Days, p.97

[Aside from Cynthia's and Green's brief mentions of the trip, there is very little information on this NY visit. Even Robert Rosen, who supposedly read John's diaries multiple times, has nothing to say about this or the '77 visits. He even claims repeatedly that Julian and John first reunited in 1979 and hadn't seen each other for four years at that point.]

One of Julian's memories that most likely fits this visit:

Julian first played piano when he was thirteen, visiting his father and Yoko in Montauk, Long Island, after Sean, his half brother, was born. Their next-door neighbor had a piano, and Julian and his father went there one day. Lennon played a couple of tunes, then Julian asked, "Can I have a go?" Julian to Rolling Stone, 1985

Another one that Julian doesn't connect to a date but he remembers the new situation after his little brother was born:

[Yoko] was very loving towards me, even after their son Sean was born. Right at the beginning I felt a few pangs. They were there with their own son. Where did I fit in? But every time I went over Dad would lay on amazing treats, and Yoko was always loving towards me." Julian, 1982

In the same interview Julian also tells the story of his dad offering him a joint when he was about 12, so that might have also been the '76 visit, or the '74/'75 Christmas visit.

Cynthia claims she had trouble getting the money she was supposed to use for Julian's school. She asked John to split the trust fund, so that she can withdraw money from it easier. John agreed.

Cynthia publishes the letter in her book John and calls it "cautious, polite and to the point":

"I explained that, as he and Yoko were out of the country, it was impossibly difficult for me to get at Julian's money: 'Nothing can proceed without your signature - it means I'm forever overdrawn at the bank and have to wait on the convenience of your lawyers ... I want the best for Julian, and his standard of life shouldn't suffer because of lack of good management on your part, which has been happening since the fund was set up ... The money, instead of having doubled through good investment, is dwindling through lack of interest on your part ... It's just so important that this whole arrangement is sorted out without animosity or aggravation ... The way things are going Julian's financial prospects when he is 25 will be virtually nil and he is going to want to know why... It is one thing fighting for your rights but totally ridiculous fighting against your own son's interests, which is what seems to be happening.' "

[She says she ends the letter with thanking them for arranging the Concorde flight for Julian last summer. However according to wiki Concorde didn't fly to NYC until November 1977. (That years Christmas John and Yoko do indeed book a Concorde flight for Julian.) So I suspect that her supposed letter is specifically written for her book and not an actual document as the presentation suggests.]

In mid-October Cynthia gives an interview to Woman magazine that also got picked up in multiple newspapers. In it she talks about their relationship splitting after their first LSD trip, John getting upset with Julian when he couldn't eat with a knife, alleges that she was being followed by a private detective in Italy,...

A report on the article in the Burton Daily Mail from 19 October '76 also quotes Cynthia as saying:

"Since then their relationship has been beautiful," she says. "They talk a lot on the phone, there've been other visits and he's going again this year. I believe now that John is completely off all drugs, has been off them for years, otherwise I'd never let Julian go."

[He's going again this year indicates that there was another visit planned in 1976. If that happened or fell through, I haven't found anything about that.]

October 25th, 76

John sends Julian a postcard from Singapore. “What happened to ya?”

Even though the previous few months there was a visit and positive communication about the finances, Cynthia's decision to publicly complain in the papers angered John. He responded on November 26th 1976 with an open letter in the Daily Mail.

"Lennon tells first wife: Stop blaming Yoko," it read: "As you and I well know, our marriage was over long before the advent of LSD or Yoko Ono. Your memory is impaired to say the least. Your version of our first LSD trips is rather vague. You seem to have forgotten subsequent trips altogether. You also seem to have forgotten that only two years ago, while I was separated from Yoko Ono, you suddenly brought Julian to see me in Los Angeles after three years of silence. During that visit you didn't allow me to be alone with him for one moment. You even asked me to remarry you and give you another child 'for Julian's sake.' I politely told you no and that anyway I was still in love with Yoko. Finally, I don't blame you for wanting to get away from your Beatle past, but if you are serious about it you should try to avoid talking to and posing for magazines and newspapers. We did have some good years so dwell on them for a change."

Cynthia answers to the press after this, saying she doesn't want them to throw mud at each other and repeated "All I want to do is forget the Beatles and enjoy my present life". Still, only a few months later in 1977 she starts to write A Twist of Lennon (allegedly gleefully on a typewriter Yoko had gifted Julian). In her later memoir John she writes she was persuaded to do it by her husband John Twist who believed it would make their fortune.

Julian is sent to boarding school for that time. [In her book John Cynthia explicitly remembers that she moved to Ireland to write. However newspaper reports from the time suggest that the move happened later. So, probably Julian wasn't boarding at this time but those months in '78.]

At the same time communication between John and Julian was happening regularly and according to his diaries he got excited by the idea of buying Julian a keyboard.

July 14th, 1977

December 25th 1977

Julian comes by Concorde to stay at the Dakota during his school holidays.

[At the time of Julian's visit John and Yoko were still helped by the FBI to deal with the kidnapping threat and extortion attempt that had been going on for weeks and scared them badly. Also, Tony Cox had made contact by phone and agreed that Kyoko could visit for these holidays but then disappeared again and John would never hear again from Kyoko. I don't know if Julian was told any of this but I assume it probably was one of the more tense christmases.]

Going by Giuliano because neither Cynthia nor Robert Rosen mention this trip by Julian at all, John was very excited about Julian coming getting up early and baking bread for him. Julian gets close to Nishi and thereby brings forth John's competitive streak. John tries out the parental philosophy of wanting to spend time with Julian instead of giving him material goods, Julian goes 'oh, really' and John caves in. When he leaves John draws a portrait of Julian. Source

[Since Robert Rosen, who also read the diaries, doesn't even know about the '76 or '77 visits (and Giuliano too thinks they saw each other last at Disney World), they may not be the source for the above. I thought it might have been from Dakota Days but it's not. John Green mentions the '77 Christmas visit but says the family were going to Florida to meet Julian there because of the security threats. I think Green is confusing this and a later visit, so I will insert his account of what John told him on returning there.]

Julian stays most of January. Goes to see the musical The Magic Show with Yoko and the band Riff-Raff with John.

In February of 1978 Cynthia and her husband sell their house and move away from Ruthin to Eire to avoid a 'wealth tax'. They leave Julian to be a boarder at his school. Cynthia and John Twist return in December, probably because they missed Julian.

April 1978

[It's not actually dated aside from being from 1978, I just assume the guitar was Julian's birthday gift.]

GIBSON Les Paul 25/50 guitar

"Dad gave me this special order rare model - it was always exciting to receive something like this from my dad. When I visited Dad we would sit down together and he would teach me a few chords and help me improve my technique." Julian in Beatles Memorabilia. The Julian Lennon Collection.

May 19th 1978

A conversation with Cyn and excerpts from her memoir A Twist of Lennon are published in News of the World.

John, Yoko and Sean are in Japan for their summer vacation. Through his London lawyers John tries to stop the publication of Cynthia's book as a serial in the News Of The World.

Tuesday, June 13th, 1978 Having been telephoned in Japan with the details of Cynthia's memoir excerpt in News Of The World, John instructed his solicitors to issue a High Court injunction in an effort to prevent the publication of a planned second installment. Frere Cholmeley & Co., Lennon's attorney in London, described the piece as 'a salacious and gribby little article,' although it was qualified with the statement: 'He does not deny that he held parties or took drugs, but he deplores the publication of intimate details of his married life.' Friday, June 16th, 1978 In the case of Lennon v. News Group Newspapers Ltd and Twist, Lord Denning rejected John's application for an injunction in London's High Court today, permitting the publication of more excerpts from A Twist Of Lennon. For his par, Denning was not impresses with John's argument that the article's publication was a breach of confidence of the marriage: 'I cannot see that either of these two parties have had much regard for the sanctity of marriage ... It seems to me as plain as can be that the relationship of these parties has ceases to be their own private affair. They themselves have put it into the public domain.' Sunday, June 18th, 1978 Having successfully defended the right to publish excerpts from A Twist Of Lennon, today's edition of News Of The World featured part two of their series: 'How Yoko stole my husband.' " Lennonology

When the book actually was released feelings turned out to be much softer than expected. Cyn ends her first memoir with the words :

I still feel very proud of the Beatles and their accomplishments. My life during that period was an education, an education I wouldn't have missed. It has left me feeling enriched, not embittered, enlightened not blinded. All I can think to conclude my story is to say, 'Thanks for the memories, and in the words of the I CHING, no blame.'"

After finishing reading his ex-wife's book, according to Robert Rosen, John was relieved and enjoyed the nostalgia. He said a prayer for Cyn: "Dear God, please show her The Way. Thank You. Thank You."

Postcard to Julian:

[I can't make out the date on the card. Julian's Beatles memorabilia book says it's from '71 but that's obviously wrong with Sean being included and Julian's Ruthin address on it. John makes the reference to being a farmer. They bought their farm in February 1978, so I put it that year. May be wrong though.]

March 21st 1979

Julian is supposed to join John, Sean and Yoko's visiting nieces in Palm Beach.

[John taking a photo of Julian in '79]

There are multiple, very different accounts for this visit, that includes Julian's 16th birthday celebration.

John bought Julian a motorcycle for his birthday.

At one point they went to Disney World, (which none of the accounts of the trip even mention), where this photo of Julian and Yoko's nieces was taken:

Accounts from:

Robert Rosen [Rosen writes that Dan Richter's children came for a visit. Correction: I said before that that because Dan wrote in his book that he never saw John again after 1974, it seemes unlikely to me that his kids would be sent out to John and Yoko five years later. However Dan Richter does confirm that in his interview on the Podcast Glass Onion: On John Lennon episode 16:

"My kids would go down, they had a place down in Palm Beach or whatever it was down in Florida. And they were there at Christmas and bring Julian and they would fly my kids down to play with Julian. And everybody, the sense we got was they were happy!"

This visit doesn't happen over Christmas but it sounds like he is talking about more than one occasion that happened and probably Christmas is one example. Could also mean that Rosen is mixing up the occasion for that anecdote.]

Cynthia Lennon

Fred Seaman

Geoffrey Giuliano

John Green [Green puts this actually to the '77 holiday visit, where he wrongly writes they went to Florida. I think (if his stories are to be believed at all) he confuses John's anger and disappointment upon return with this visit of Julian's. It also fits with being in Florida.]

[I recommend to read all of them. Lots of drama. I may one day make a comparison post between all the account because they are fascinatingly different.]

April 9th 1979

John writes to Mimi saying Julian would be welcome to live with them if he so chose but there had been no arrangements made.

Q: Did you ever plan to go and live with him [John] in New York? Julian: "When I was in my early teens we'd spoken on the phone about the possibility of me going to college over there. I think it was wishful thinking on both our parts because I felt uncomfortable about the situation and I believe he did, too." Hello! Magazine, 1995

April 25th 1979, Postcard to Julian from NY:

Julian declines to join his dad, Yoko and Sean for their family's yearly vacation in Japan.

[July 1979 In the context of getting one of his guitars Julian said that John bought him a Sony Walkman as a gift when they were brand-new. He puts around '73-'74. However according to wikipedia the Sony Walkman was first sold in July '79, so that present would have been sent to Julian around this time, maybe directly from Japan.]

December 1979

On 3rd-4th December there is a two part feature in the Daily Mail called "The Sons of the Beatles" on Julian and Zak.

"When I'm in New York, we go out quite a lot together round some of the art galleries, or to his house at Long Island. When we stay in we have musical jam sessions together singing out latest songs to each other. I still listen to Beatles music. Although I quite like some of my father's solo albums, I much prefer what he did with the Beatles." (quoted from Lennonology p. 508)

Also that month:

"More disturbing to John were the ongoing trials with Julian. The sullen teen continued to vex his father with his on-again, off-again plans to visit over Christmas. At first Julian said maybe, as long as they didn't go to Florida. Then it was a flat no, using school exams and a new girlfriend as an excuse. At the last minute he called saying he would come to New York only if he could bring a friend, but Yoko turned him down. As usual John didn't challenge her. Julian retaliated by sending his father a tabloid article about rock stars' sons, which focused on both him and Ringo's son Zak Starkey, and went into detail about the trials of being the offspring of a Beatle." Lennon in America by Giuliano p. 218

On the other hand John Green does write that Julian spent Christmas '79 with John, Yoko and Sean. He even says that Julian stayed until February. ("John stayed in the Palm Beach house until February, luxuriating in the sun and sea, forging new ties with Julian and delighting in rediscoveries of himself." p.229) [This can't be true however because John was definitely in NY for Christmas and New Years. John and Yoko did buy a house in Palm Beach late January however and were spotted there a few times in February. I can't find a mention of Julian being spotted with them, so it may or may not have happened. I do think between the two of them Giuliano's account is probably more accurate. The Daily Mail article he mentions of Zak and Julian had come out on 3 or 4 December, so that is also believable that it had come up in pre-christmas discussions. But of course it's possible that a visit happened anyway.]

1980

Julian called in February 1980 to set up another meeting with his dad. This time John denied him, surprisingly because he was worried about Julian's schooling. Through Cynthia he had learned that Julian was failing his O-levels, had started smoking, staying out at night drinking, had gotten in trouble with the police for setting up fires and racing through town on a dirt bike. "John just prayed that Julian didn't hurt himself." There is also continued conflict over money. John felt that Julian every time they spoke asked him for more money. "And though John continued to feel guilty about having abandoned Julian and Cynthia, he'd be damned if he was going to be like every other rich asshole father who'd abandoned his family and then used money as a poor substitute for love and companionship." source

In March 'A Twist of Lennon' gets its paperback release and new reviews are printed in the press.

Summer 1980

When John sat for a portrait painting with Sean for the artist Nancy Gosnell, he wondered if she could also do one of him and Julian from a photograph. He wanted to give him a father and son portrait for his birthday, according to Fred Seaman.

September 1980

PLAYBOY: "Your son, Julian, from your first marriage must be in his teens. Have you seen him over the years?" LENNON: "Well, Cyn got possession, or whatever you call it. I got rights to see him on his holidays and all that business, and at least there's an open line still going. It's not the best relationship between father and son, but it is there. He's 17 now. Julian and I will have a relationship in the future. Over the years, he's been able to see through the Beatle image and to see through the image that his mother will have given him, subconsciously or consciously. He's interested in girls and autobikes now. I'm just sort of a figure in the sky, but he's obliged to communicate with me, even when he probably doesn't want to." PLAYBOY: "You're being very honest about your feelings toward him to the point of saying that Sean is your first child. Are you concerned about hurting him?" LENNON: "I'm not going to lie to Julian. Ninety percent of the people on this planet, especially in the West, were born out of a bottle of whiskey on a Saturday night, and there was no intent to have children. So 90 percent of us... that includes everybody... were accidents. I don't know anybody who was a planned child. All of us were Saturday-night specials. Julian is in the majority, along with me and everybody else. Sean is a planned child, and therein lies the difference. I don't love Julian any less as a child. He's still my son, whether he came from a bottle of whiskey or because they didn't have pills in those days. He's here, he belongs to me and he always will."

Playboy: I was under the impression that you still weren't seeing Julian much. Lennon: Well, no, he's comin' here over shortly now. I see him whenever he get's off school. Playboy: Has it been hard for him to be John Lennon's kid? Lennon: Yeah, he has his own... Everybody has a cross to bear, and Julian has that cross, and he'll deal with it. He's a clever boy, and as he gets older we can communicate and he'll understand.

[I wasn't sure what upcoming visit John is referring to since I couldn't find one mentioned anywhere. However there is an article in the Daily Mirror from 8 October 1980 including interview passages with Cynthia that mentions Julian currently being in New York. So without any photographic evidence, he isn't in any of the birthday photos, or anecdotes about it, there still might be the possibility that there was a (pre-)birthday visit from Julian to John and Sean in 1980. Julian himself hasn't been completely consistent on when he last saw his Dad. He has said that his '79 birthday visit was their last meeting (which I think is most likely correct), but he also claimed that he was flying out regularly.]

"According to Cynthia, Julian, now 18, plays guitar better than his father. He has left school and is off to New York to stay with his famous dad." Link to the article

In an interview with Jonathan Cott on 5 December John reflects more on the troubles of being a Beatle's son and on how mistakes in his decision for Julian's schooling changed his outlook on his plans for Sean. [Julian had been going to private school since at least 1973.]

"[...] because he can't possibly be an average child, being the son of famous parents. I tried that game with my son Julian, sending him to a comprehensive working-class school, mixing with the people, but the people spat and shit on him, because he was famous, as people are wont to do. So his mother had to finally turn around and tell me to piss off: 'I'm sending him to a private school, the kid is suffering here.' "

Cynthia writes that by the end of 1980 Julian felt a breakthrough in his and his father's relationship. John played Julian songs from his new album over the phone, asking his opinions. source

Julian himself reflects on his and his dad's relationship by the time of his death like this:

"I know that dad's presence will be around for a long time. He was always joking, always sounded happy, which made me think more of him as a friend than a dad. My earliest memory of my father was when I was about three and he sang happy birthday to me. We were living at Weybridge, Surrey, and dad threw a birthday party for me and brought in a long cake shaped like a train and festooned with candles." Sunday Mirror, 5 April 1981

As early as 1982 negative feelings would influence Julian's memory, saying he didn't get to see his father for five years, that he only heard on Birthdays and Christmas from him or that after the first US visit it was again years before he got to go another time, when it was merely months.

"The Beatles sang 'All You Need Is Love' - and that is all I wanted from Dad. It is difficult to explain why I should feel so strongly, when we shared so little. Never once in all the years he lived in America did he even think about coming to see me. Apart from rare visits, I lived from birthdays to Christmas just to hear from him." Julian, 1982

[Those false memories/presentations may have been the result of his beginning break from Yoko around that time and the conflicts about money, or maybe his memories just adapted to the way it was talked about in his family.]

"It was more of one man to another than the usual father and son relationship, because he had been away from me a lot, and he said he realized that. I was just getting through to him and growing up myself and growing out of the silly giggling I did as a young teenager that really annoyed him, when Dad was killed." Julian quoted in Ray Coleman's John bio, pp.620

"Dad was such an influence in my life, it must have been hard on Mum. She'd do her best with presents at birthdays and Christmas, but I always waited for that special present that was bigger than anything else - from him. Yet he never sent anything spontaneously. He'd phone up and ask what I wanted, and it would arrive. I don't think he was trying to buy me in any way. It was just a chance for him to do something for me. He knew I wanted to be a musician and kept telling me to take a long time to get it right. He removed a lot of the stress I suppose other kids might feel. I didn't do very well at school. I don't think I'm dense, but I suppose I'm a bit lazy. There's only one thing I want - to know for sure that Dad loved me as much as I loved him. Or maybe to have him back." Julian, 1982

Edits: 29 April - December 1974 John trial quote added; September 1980 Playboy interview quote added 6 May - added Julian quote about relationship to his father by the time of his death 7 May - added Old Grey Whistle Test clip March 11th 1975 18 May - added info about 3-4 December '79 Daily Mail feature on Julian and Zak, added all the info I could find on any visits in John Green's Dakota Days and multiple notes on to those mentions. 20 May - added Cyn's quote for 28 May 1972. 23 June - added the Tittenhurst floorplan and the link to an extended quote from Julian about being there in German 8 July - added quote from 5 Dec 1980 to Jonathan Cott 20 July - added Julia Baird audio on trying to see Julian for John 1975 22 July - added info on a possible 1980 visit, 1973 interviews, 1976 info, 1980's quote 30 July - Spin interview '75 added, Cynthia quote from Burton Daily Mail '76 added 1 August - added bits from Julian's 1982 article throughout, transcribed some of the jpg quotes, so that I may add more photos, some photos added 4 August - correction in my comments about the likelihood of Dan Richter's children being with them in 1979 19 August - Box of Smile 8 October - Added some postcards, the guitars, reset some photographs because of the picture limit 12 November - Added the video clip from May Pang's doc

#i was suddenly getting nervous that this will just disappear from my drafts. that would annoy me so much. so it get's posted NOW.#i will add stuff to it as i find it but that's how i always do timelines. fill them up over time. and this is already massive.#i just wanted to date one damn thing and this is what happened...#thoughts in progress #john lennon #julian lennon #Youtube

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wolven91 · 1 year ago

Text

A Coiled Mind

"Desh? Can I speak to you for a moment?" asked the human on the ssypno’s door step.

"Ah Daniel, of course you can; please come in!"

The human known as Daniel was a diligent worker, but even Desh had noticed a marked change in their demeanour recently, one that had worried her. Very new to the galactic scene, the humans were industrious and quick to pick up new tasks once shown, but thanks to the chaos of a few months ago, Desh considered them fragile.

As his direct controller, she wanted to make sure she was available for him, but hadn't pressured him to speak in case he hadn't wanted to. She wasn’t a psychologist, she had no formal training and had to rely on the official government therapy sessions given to the humans that they would be enough or catch any pent up emotions.

He stepped into her home and stood there awkwardly for a moment, scratching at his arm. It took a moment to twig that something was seriously wrong as she made her way to get him a drink from the kitchen area.

She stopped her short journey across the room and looked back at him, frowning and returning to the man. The large serpent lowered herself down to his level. Her length was immense and trailed lazily round the room, but she pulled herself into a tight knit of a roiling mass of scales to give the smaller human more space in her home. He had worked with her a while now, so she assumed he was fine with her, but was aware that she could still be intimidating at the best of times.

"Daniel? Is everything... okay?" She reached out a hand, but hesitated. She so desperately wanted to touch him, but was unsure if she was allowed to at this moment. Humans were one of the races to be warm blooded, but were the only one without a dense layer of fur. Thanks to this lack of insulation, they were walking, talking heat lamps to her kind. It would be so easy to hold on to them and never let go, but she mustn't, she had to give them space lest she scare him off, they were significantly smaller after all at only six foot tall compared to her forty five feet on length.

"I... I just.. it-" he cut himself off as a sob broke forth. She made the call to surge forward and pull him into a tight hug against herself. Two of her arms, the lower set grasping his back while her upper set; one hand found the back of his neck and her fourth and final hand slid through his short brown fur that topped his head. Her muscular lower body, a single thick tube of scales and muscles wound around his legs and raised him up into the air so she could hold him without stooping low.

"Hey! Heeeey, come on now... it's okay... it's okay now.. " She said, continuing to whisper sweet nothings into his ear as she propelled herself backwards into her home. To an outsider, it would appear as if she were a predator with a successful hunt within her clutches.

She weaved and wrapped him thoroughly against herself as he quaked and sobbed against her.

Eventually he did begin to settle and started to apologise for his 'outburst'. Desh was shocked and sickened to think that he thought the need to apologise for something as natural as his reactions.

His home world was lost, he was part of an endangered species, he had every right to be upset and yet he had soldiered on for two months since the catastrophic events of the Sol System.

"Human Daniel, do not ever apologise to me for seeking me out to unwind. If you need to cry, you cry to me. If you don't want anyone else to know, then no one will know my friend... okay?"

He nodded his head, trying to wipe his eyes with hands already wet with his tears.

"If your kind are half as strong as you, then you will all be alright friend-Daniel, but I think today will be spent here, if that is alright?" He nodded again and whispered;

"I'd like that Desh... thank you..."

Her tail began to wind and spool around his shorter legs bringing them together before it wound up further curling around his hips and stomach. She gave him the option to have his arms down or up, to which he placed his arms against himself. Her tail finished by sinching around the tiny neck that all humans had.

Feeling bold, she grasped his head in either of her hands, the deep blue scales standing in stark contrast to his skin.

"Look into my eyes dear.. look how they swirl with colours, do you see?"

His tense body within her coils started to ease. In the primitive times, this would be where she would tighten and squeeze her prey before devouring it whole.

But for now, she would luxuriate in the waves of heat he gave off. She would let him rest and sooth, while she was paid in the most intimate spar treatment she had ever felt.

No wonder she was banned from touching Humans normally, nothing would ever get done if it felt like this...

#conservationverse #cuddleverse #human #ssypno #hfy #aliens #earth is a deathworld #haso

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jmagnabo92 · 5 months ago

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Playful kiss + FirstPrince please 💙

Awwww, I love these two! Hope you like it :)

***

If there’s one thing Alex loves about living in New York City with the love of his life, it’s that they can just… be. There’s always this sense when they’re at the Palace or the White House or even at some hotel for some event that they can’t just be themselves.

It’s as if – even alone in their rooms – they’re worried about someone catching a glimpse of them or hear them being themselves and getting criticized for it. Alex always thought it made sense at Palace to feel that way, but the other places had taken several months of therapy for him to realize just how much of a role he was playing for his mom rather than getting to be himself.

Which is why both he and Henry have taken to try and be left alone by doing less appearances and claiming that they’re just busy with law school and Henry’s shelters, but that doesn’t always work.

They’d just gotten in from an appearance overseas that was thankfully together and almost as soon as they enter the safety of their home, the door locked behind them, Alex can feel the shift in their demeaner. Both of them visibly relax and Alex is happy to drop their bags on the floor and deal with unpacking and laundry and all that later.

Right now, he wants to play and savor being together.

Thus, he leads Henry to the middle of their living room and gives him a grin as he pulls out his phone to find the silliest song they could dance to.

“What are you doing, love?” Henry questions, trying to peek at Alex’s phone.

“You’ll see,” Alex replies, mischievously, before he finally finds ‘Get Low’ on his playlist.

Henry doesn’t get the chance to push because the song comes on and he bursts out laughing. “Really?”

Alex laughs. “We’ve just spent the last three days stuck playing the Prince and the First Son in Italy, it’s time relax and unwind, and I still haven’t taught you about dry humping to this song.”

“We are not dry humping to this song,” Henry states, plainly, but the sternness gets lost in his smile as Alex grabs his hips and starts forcing him to dance.

Unlike the first time Henry heard this song, way back before their first kiss, Alex doesn’t feel Henry tense rather he melts at Alex’s touch and lets loose the way Alex had wanted him to let loose back then and it’s wonderful.

They get lost in the music and each other, dancing until Alex leans forward to kiss him, but Henry deciding to be playful dodges it and moves in a way that ends with them both on the ground.

They’re laughing and grinning and Alex leans down (because somehow, he ended up on top of Henry) and playfully kisses his cheeks and his nose.

Henry obviously anticipates a kiss on the lips because he leans up ready to capture Alex’s lips with his own, eyes closed, and therefore in the perfect position for Alex to mess with him, so rather than kiss him, he licks him on nose causing Henry’s eyes to shoot open.

A second later (after Henry’s processed what just happened), Henry’s turned the tables on him, and Alex finds himself on his back trapped by Henry’s hands on either side of his head, and his legs on either side of his waist.

He’s got that fire in his eyes that’s playful and promising as he says, “And just what was that, my love? Have you decided to become David?”

“Maybe,” Alex teases. “Or maybe you just made it easy. Now, where’s my kiss?”

Henry scoffs. “No kisses for you until you apologize for acting like a dog.”

Alex laughs as despite his words, Henry’s playfully kissing him all over his face, just avoiding his lips. They do this sometimes, just playing and enjoying and he loves it – they both do. “I think you like it when I’m a dog, as now you’re the one in control.”

Henry hums, kissing his nose. “Or maybe I like it because it’s just so… you.”

Alex grins. “Then, that means I deserve a proper kiss, no?”

Henry smiles, too. “I suppose.”

With that, he leans down kissing him, teasingly, the promise of more on his lips. He lets Alex follow him when he leans back until they’re laying on their sides facing one another, happy and relaxed, and so … at home.

They continue making out and enjoying the teasing and playfulness of their kisses, forgetting about the tension of their trip – of playing their parts – and just finally having this… their home together.

It’s exactly what they needed and it’s perfect.

***

Thanks for reading :). If you wanna play along, send me an ask with a Type of Kiss + Pairing for said kiss :)

#alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #First Prince #firstprince #alex x henry #RWRB

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aajjks · 11 months ago

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*bunny!noona goes and picks up her son after school* hey baby, how was school? i have a surprise! mommy took the next two week off so i can stay with you! yes baby, mommy is going to e with you your whole vacation! we can put the christmas tree up tomorrow, does that sound nice? you made a christmas ornament? can mommy see? oh baby…is that you and me? it’s beautiful buddy..

*noona notices that noah didn’t add jungkook to the painting of their little family. although jungkook hasn’t been a very active father recently, let alone husband.. him and their son use to have a very special bond.. jungkook was the perfect husband and father. everything they did, was together. the spent weekends at the park, made dinner together, movie nights and important thing. everything was perfect.. that was until jungkook got a new job, a job noona didn’t know much about. for a while after he became a full time employee, everything was perfect. she cut back from a full time job to a part time clothing store so she could drop off and pick up their baby boy as he started kindergarten. jungkook would come home the same time and spend the rest of the day bonding with his family. seven months after starting his job, he slowly stopped coming home on time, no longer no more playing with his son, no longer slept in the bed with noona, there was no more reading to his son before tucking him into bed, there was no more making love to his wife at night, everything just stopped. after noona was turned down every time she were to ask jungkook if he was okay or suggest couples therapy.. she gave up.. she no longer has anymore fight left in her heart when she sees how much jungkooks absence has affected their son.. so noona started making a plan..*

hey noah, mommy went and talked to the lawyer today, the one that’s going to help you and mommy leave daddy.. how much longer? well i don’t know baby, mommy’s is saving up her money. i was looking at apartments today, i think i found a great one for you and me. you’ll still have your own room and mommy will have hers but the living room is huge. ill take you this weekend and i’ll see what you think okay? if you like it mommy with put the money down for it. uh oh.. daddy’s already home? that’s unusual.. okay baby listen. these papers right here are the papers daddy can’t see okay? theses are the divorce papers mommy has to fill out. mommy is going to fill these out soon but i need to hide them until daddy isn’t around mommy. i’ll probably do it tonight, i’ll put them in my room somewhere since daddy has been sleeping on the couch.. i’ll just put them in my purse for right now.. i need you to promise me you won’t tell daddy about us going to see the apartments this weekend. pink promise? good. okay, grab your bag and let’s go in yeah?

you’re home early, normally you don’t come in until 12 at night, everything okay? hm, okay. well noah, baby, go unwind a little bit while mommy makes you and i dinner. chicken strips, friends, and maybe.. cookies for dessert sound good? you really are my baby.. i love you. now go on, i’ll call you down. no i don’t want help, i just want to get this done so i can get him ready for our movie night. no, he’s out of school for the next week or so for christmas. well you took the living room over so we’ve been having our movie nights in my room. you have work tomorrow and he’s really excited so he’ll probably be up for a long time tonight so i’ll make sure he keeps it down. jungkook, i need the counter, move you papers to the dinner table or something.

“Noona… he’s already going to sleep?? OK well do you need help? I could!!!! But what’s wrong with you? After so long I finally got to come home early… work has been hectic to say the least.. but I did miss you and Noah a lot.. can I have some dinner too I’m pretty hungry? So.? I’m sorry I know about the movie nights… what if we have a movie night tomorrow? I’m free actually it’s holiday season so I got a few days off… and I’m planning to spend them with you and our son, of course- no I don’t have work tomorrow, but I don’t need to finish these papers.. but I can always do the later go and spend some time with Noah? I miss him a lot! And can I sleep in the bedroom tonight?”

#ask: bunny!koo #yikes

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tashizweig · 1 year ago

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is it invasive to ask about your journey with your adhd dx?? if so please delete this!! and i'm sorry i asked, but if you're comfy sharing...

no that's totally fine!

tw for suicide / suicidal ideation and depression //

so i started with therapy back in 2015 because i hit a point late that year where i realized i'd gone from passively wanting to die to actively thinking of ways to make that happen. i spent about three years doing the talk therapy part of things and unwinding a lot of the internal damage from a lifetime of parental & partner abuse.

i worked through a lot of that without any kind of medication, but around 2018, my therapist and i both agreed that a lot of the issues i was still having with anxiety attacks, racing/spiraling thoughts, and paranoia were things that could be helped more with medication. so i got a rec for a psychiatrist and ended up on an antidepressant that worked really well for me.

after a little while, i was having a lot of success with the anxiety and depression side of things, but i still was struggling to focus, or come back to tasks once i'd walked away from them, and it was still wrecking havoc on my life in a lot of ways. so my psychiatrist suggested we try a few things re: ADHD. she had me try wellbutrin for about a month, which did absolutely nothing, so she started me on a really low dose of vyvanse. and the medication did what it was supposed to: it helped me focus. the fatigue that had constantly been with me for years lightened up because i wasn't having to think twice as hard to function normally, the anxiety and stress in my work life started to ease up because i was able to actually remember to finish things.

so i kind of got diagnosed because of five or six years of trial and error rather than taking a test or anything, but i think that's kind of how late life diagnoses go a lot of the time.

#i have not been able to consistently get my medicine in a long time and my life is in ShamblesTM lmao

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coasting-dissociated · 28 days ago

Text

Probably the best weekend I’ve had in a long time.

Reconnected with part of the crew on Saturday. Saw a lot of faces I hadn’t seen in months or even a year or so with some of them.

We grilled and we chilled. It was great.

Spent most of Sunday with my homegirl. We were both super tired from the week and were super low on energy. So we spent the day snuggled in bed catching up. Watched some studio ghibli stuff since she hasn’t seen a lot of the films. She asked me to make her this shrimp pasta I’ve made in the past. We hit the store and got a bunch of shit.

Made dinner and we had some wine. Snuggled up a little more. It was a good night.

Busy ass weekend, but it was fun. I’ve got therapy today, so I’ll have something good to talk about for once.

I’m pretty tired tho. Kinda wish I had one more day for myself to unwind.

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mycreativitysblog · 2 years ago

Text

Unexpected Realities Concerning Ghee Advantages For Hair

Ghee is an ancient Ayurvedic practice, a normal cleanser, as well as a beneficial potion for the mind, body, and also soul. It has actually gained the condition of power food - thanks to its numerous benefits for skin, hair, body, and also general health and wellness! I understood the health and wellness benefits of ghee for the body and skin. But I was rather stunned to hear about many advantages of ghee even for hair.

Long, glossy, and also lustrous tresses are something every woman desires. I have directly utilized lots of hair treatment items and also spent thousands on hair therapies but still struggled with several hair issues up until I just recently discovered the advantages of applying ghee for hair. I have actually always guaranteed the goodness of ghee so I did not think twice to try it on my hair. I have actually been utilizing ghee religiously for almost 2 months currently and also trust me, it has become my holy grail.

Ghee Conveniences For Hair

There are several unexpected facts about the benefits of ghee for hair. Prepare yourself to discover some of them which will certainly help you obtain not simply an excellent hair day however a great hair life.

All-natural Hair Conditioner: Ghee is a fantastic source of anti-oxidants and Omega 3 fatty acids which makes it an excellent all-natural conditioner for dry and also frizzy hair. It hydrates the hair origins and boosts the strength of hair. It is way much better than the store-bought selections as it has no added chemicals which can trigger damage to the scalp. Make a homemade all-natural conditioner by blending 2 tablespoons of ghee with one tbsp of olive oil. Utilize this ghee conditioner for hair after every laundry to get silky as well as glossy hair!

Helps to Detangle Hair: earthomaya Ghee can additionally be utilized as a product to detangle hair. Detangling hair can be very bothersome and creates a lot of hair breakage and thinning. Don't forget just how much it injures when you try to brush twisted hair. Merely utilize a bit of ghee on your hair after cleaning to detangle and smoothen it and greet to tangle-free hair!

Gives a renewing massage: Massaging your scalp and hair with ghee not only aids you in getting frizz-free tresses but additionally gives you a super relaxing experience. It will most definitely help you via all sort of stress, be it the stress of due dates or of looking good at an event. Yet a lot more importantly, it enhances blood circulation which aids in preserving the health and wellness of your hair. Mix equal components ghee and also coconut oil and also use it to massage therapy your hair. This nourishing mix of ghee as well as oil benefits hair development while being very calm and also unwinding for your mind.

Aids battle dandruff: Ghee can also assist in removing dandruff from your scalp. Dandruff is caused by a normally taking place fungi and also can obtain a little awkward. The anti-allergic and anti-inflammatory properties of desi cow ghee help to get rid of dandruff as well as scratchy scalp. You simply require to massage your scalp with cozy ghee as well as almond oil. Laundry it off with warm water and also use frequently for a month to see visible results.

Repair work split ends: Ghee is a terrific natural home remedy for treating hair split ends. Split ends can make your hair thin and also breakable. Ghee hydrates as well as removes dryness from hair ends due to the presence of fats and also antioxidants. Take a sufficient quantity of heated desi ghee as well as apply it to the ends of your hair. Utilize a wide-toothed comb to spread it with your split finishes. After 10 to 15 mins wash it off with a moderate shampoo. Utilize it as soon as a week for a couple of months and you can see a radical modification in the quality of your hair.

Makes hair glossy: Ghee is utilized as a massage oil in Ayurveda. Using ghee as a hair oil can make your hair silky & soft. Apply ghee to previously washed hair while it is still damp, await 20 mins and after that rinse with lemon water. This gives an additional bounce and a natural shine to the hair. The results are excellent. You will fall for your hair!

Makes hair more powerful: Need solid locks that don't break every time you detangle or use some hair tools? Apply ghee over night on your hair three times a month. Wash it off the next early morning with onion juice. It sounds like a foul-smelling process, however it is certainly worth the effort. Your hair will gradually reclaim its stamina naturally.

Stimulates hair growth: Ghee nurtures the scalp as well as stimulates hair development making your hair longer as well as more powerful. All you require to do is massage therapy your scalp regularly with ghee. For much better results, mix coconut oil with ghee and enjoy its advantages for hair growth.

Assists stop itching scalp: Ghee works as a wonderful natural home remedy to do away with scratchy scalp. Mix ghee with lemon juice, apply it to the scalp, and also massage for time prior to rinsing off. For completely dry hair, mix cozy ghee with almond oil and massage therapy it right into your scalp and also the lengths of your hair. After 20 mins, rinse with climbed water. Wash your hair with a moderate hair shampoo as well as repeat this twice a week. You'll be surprised to see this benefit of ghee for hair.

Assists to deal with scalp infection: Ghee helps to eliminate the bacteria that cause scalp infection. Massage the scalp with warm ghee two times a week to get rid of scalp infections. Ghee enhances the blood circulation of blood and leaves the scalp sensation washed and also healthy. If you have white spots on your scalp, massage the scalp with hot ghee on a regular basis to aid do away with scalp infections.

Avoids early greying of hair: Early greying of hair primarily happens because of undesirable and contaminated skin of the scalp. My uncle made use of to state grey hair signifies knowledge however early greying of hair can be very annoying and awkward. Apply warm ghee to hair as well as massage therapy well. Finish up your hair in a towel for 15 mins and then rinse off with a moderate hair shampoo. You'll see the lead to no time. It will certainly not only deal with early greying but will certainly additionally avoid early greying symptoms

Enhances hair texture: Ghee is also beneficial for enhancing the structure of hair. Using ghee regularly to hair grants it with shine as well as level of smoothness boosting the general appearance of hair making hair look soft, smooth, and healthy.

Hydrates hair: Similar to our skin the hair likewise requires hydration. Absence of dampness can make our hair boring and also dry. The rich fats found in ghee aid nurture the scalp as well as hair follicles from within. Ghee gives a boost of hydration to the hair as well as restores its health.

Aids treatment bald patches: Our appearance is highly affected incidentally our hair looks. Unfortunate baldness or bald spots on the scalp are never ever appreciated. Drinking milk combined with ghee and also turmeric powder is handy for hair repair service and also it slowly cures hairless patches.

Prevents hair fall: Using ghee to hair is advantageous and also assists in dealing with hair loss also. Ghee has carotenoids, omega 3 fatty acids, conjugated linolenic acid, and vitamins An as well as E. These antioxidants battle complimentary radicals and promote skin cell development which brings about a nourished scalp all of which nurture the scalp & punctual healthy and balanced hair growth.

Warmth cow ghee in a container and include some sliced almonds to it. Wait till the almonds transform black as well as eliminate the bowl from the flame. Filter it and also use cow ghee to your hair while it is still warm. Clean off making use of warm water. This hair therapy with Ghee helps quit hair autumn making hair silky, healthy, glossy, and also strong.

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queersociologist · 1 year ago

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This is going to be long, I apologize. It's very hard for me to unwind some of these thoughts from the rest. Thank you so much for sharing yours, and encouraging others to do the same. This experience can be, has been very isolating. I'm trying to find community where I can with it.

I caught COVID in March 2022, after spending two years in isolation. It was sort of my own fault, sort of not. I was feeling very guilty about keeping myself and my partners in isolation, and I decided to risk going to a restaurant with my partner's family.

I was so, so sick during the acute stage. For weeks. Luckily I have partners who took on caring for me. I have no idea what I would have done without them here. And even though I requested antivirals and care from my primary, she decided I was "healthy" and "low-risk" (despite having fibromyalgia and a documented under-responsive immune system) and just didn't respond to my requests until the window to take them was closed and told me I'd be fine, just get back to being active. So, I tried to be compliant.

I spent May trying to pretend like everything was fine, started college in June, and immediately developed what I recognize now as MCAS (though I still can't get a provider to take this piece seriously). I spent June, July, and August with severe hives around my eyes. In August my POTs symptoms kicked into full gear, and I started having syncope. This meant I finally got pushed into the "COVID recovery" clinic (wait-list was semi-long, I got in by December), and then physical therapy and cardiology.

The COVID clinic has helped, some, but the waves of patients they've been expected to treat keeps growing so they are now pushing me back to my primary. Honestly, the COVID clinic was in over their heads anyway. They were family medicine providers expected to diagnose and outsource us to the various specialties, educating those specialists and us and the doctors. I knew it wouldn't be sustainable. I visited my primary a couple weeks ago to get ahead of this shift and she seemed shocked to see me: "Well, what are you still struggling with?" The answer is everything, worse than before. But of course she can only address one (or maybe just like. part of one) issue at a time. Dermatology, cardiology, physical therapy are all pieces of the puzzle but not a single person has the capacity to see the full picture. Multiple body systems are failing me. And I'm a lucky long COVID patient, because I'm still somehow managing to do college. That just happens to be the only thing I can manage, and some days it's impossible to even do that.

I feel horrible that I feel so horrible and I know others have it so much worse. I feel angry about how many ways the healthcare system, and society, have failed me, my communities, and my fellow long haulers. I feel immense grief about what I used to do, that I can no longer do.

I used to do art, and I loved it. Now I have tremors that keep me from doing anything. I can't embroider, can't draw, can't do calligraphy, can't sew or craft without doing damage to my already damaged nerves. I used scissors last July and lost feeling in my thumb for two months, but was assured this couldn't possibly be part of the bigger picture (which, well. I disagree). I used to love growing and caring for plants, these days I can't water or care for them and I can't even look at them without being reminded of how much of myself I've lost. Ive probably thrown out two, maybe three dozen plants since I got sick. My concentration is shot and I can't write. I bought a laptop so I could start on a memoir project before I got sick, I still haven't been able to get more than fragments out at once. There's a zine I want to make about my experience with COVID, and every time I start working on it I feel so overwhelmed that I fall apart. I used to do intensive self care routines that helped keep me grounded in my body, now I'm lucky if I manage the basics without tachycardia and PEM. All of my facial care stuff is collecting dust because of the uncertainty related to the allergic reactions and my lack of energy. I dreamt of finding my community now that I live in an area with more people like me, but I can't safely do that as every event is being moved back to in-person without precautions. I live less than two hours from the ocean. In the December before I got sick I went alone and walked the beach for hours. My partner drove me to the beach this past April and I spent the entire time feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, and we barely walked more than a few hundred feet. I've had to relearn everything. I had to accept that I need mobility aids, a process I'm still working on as I learn to let myself use a wheelchair now. My makeup goes untouched because of my MCAS. Clothes go unworn because why would I wear something that causes me discomfort, when my entire life is discomfort now? I used to take a lot of joy in curating cute, queer outfits and these days I wear all cotton t-shirts and sweats, everywhere.

And over and over again people ask me "what happened to you?" and I say "I have long COVID" and they ask "Oh, well, you were probably sick before right?" and I'm reminded just how little disabled bodies matter to them, just how far they want to distance themselves from this possibility. I've lost friends. I've lost family. I've lost people who I thought loved me but who want to insinuate I did this to myself or am exaggerating, who don't want to connect with someone who isn't just "getting better". I've learned who my true family is, those who see me where I'm at and ask me how they can help.

I'd love people to write in in response to this post. I'll share my own story to get things started.

Before the pandemic started I had just started to get on the right track after an apartment fire 3 years ago at the time. Everything was thrown off by that and I developed PTSD from the event. My health and mental health conditions were well managed, including my agoraphobia and I was in good health.

Even as I sheltered in place for approximately 3 years and only did essential activities and went to essential places I still contracted covid. Sadly my carer brought it into my home and I've suffered with long covid immediately subsequent to my acute infection ever since (August 28th 2022).

It's turned my life upside down. I had planned on starting to ride my bike and now it sits in my apartment untouched. I struggle to walk, sit and balance especially for prolonged periods, at the ripe age of 31. An issue I didn't have before remotely.

And yet doctors keep mentioning anxiety, that it's not conclusive despite not studying up to date literature and published research on covid and long covid. I have no purpose for my shoes much either because travel is taxing on my body. In fact I've been at my mom's house for almost a month because I'm not well enough to return home.

Even paid my rent and electric digitally. My patio remains unoccupied, partly because I don't want harassment about wearing a mask outdoors but also would rather not see my neighbors. One of which harassed me and my carer after coming back from a very stressful dentist appointment with appalling covid safety and not having slept that day.

My computer collecting dust, partly due to the winter storm a couple months or so ago that knocked out my power and messed up the boot sequence, but also not being able to sit at and use it without swaying, heart palpations, feeling faint, and for long periods.

My kitchen sink, cooking utensils and ware goes unused most of the time because my new illness has largely robbed me of the energy and focus to prepare and cook meals. And my apartment tends to occupy me or my one support staff because of my fear of a repeat incident of someone bringing disease into my house. A disease that if I catch again well may kill me, or, faster.

My shower usually is dry as a bone, baths and showers leave me flaring and wiped for days. My hair products sit frequently untouched as I'm too exhausted to brush, braid, cover and moisturize my hair. As do my free weights and elastic PT bands. Ever since I got sick I lack stamina, experience shortness of breathe (I had asthma but it was well controlled), my heart rate spikes and I can't exercise in any way that would hit targets or be beneficial.

And finally, I have no use for many of the chairs in my home as my brain, neck and spine struggle to keep me upright. My body is in some ways new to me and after 3 plus decades in it, I have to learn it all over again.

And still my doctor recommends physical therapy despite telling her all this. And worst of all won't long covid diagnosis. She kicked me to specialist.

Specialist who are already booked out, and whose schedules and patient lists keep lengthening because of the sharp and continued rise in long covid. Knowing it could take months for me to get a diagnosis this route and even longer to get new disability aids I need if I even get documents and approvals at all.

That I can't possibly afford because I'm dirt poor. To add pain to injury, I was disabled before this. And I understood the seriousness of covid and long covid. And took every precaution. But in a society that's a threat to life and safety, I was only as safe as everyone else was and is.

Which means I wasn't and still am not. Not only do I have whatever implications and damage short and long term from my first bout of illness, I constantly have the threat of reinfections and death everyday.

And am confronted with no longer being able to do what I once did (possibly ever again) with great sadness nor test limits without high risk and unpredictable results. And it is a terrible, deeply off putting, arrogant and cruel insult to hear people write off or outright deny long covid exists and call long covid a cold. It fucking isn't.

Anyway that's my story.

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inevitably-johnlocked · 4 years ago

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hello friend! this is very specific but do you by any chance have any fics where sherlock likes it when someone plays with his hair or that kind of thing? jdjsjjs sorry its such a weird request

Hey Nonny!

AHHHHH okay oddly enough I never anticipated this being something people would want up until recently when I myself wanted more fics, so I don’t have a lot of fics labelled properly for it D: Here’s the best I got for you, so please forgive me; the list will grow as I re-read fics and re-tag them LOL.

I’m also adding fics I’ve tagged on my MFL list too <3

As always, lovelies, add your fics if if has any of the requested stuff, please add it below!!

HAIR PETTING / PLAYING / PULLING

See also:

Hair and Beards

John Has a Beard

Shaving

Tangential by Bitenomnom (NR, 2,047 w., 1 Ch. || Ace Sherlock, Fluff and Love, Cuddles, Friendship, Sherlock is a Kept Man, Sherlock Divorces his Work, Nightmares) – In which John stitches up Sherlock's head (but not really), Sherlock comes into John's room at night to take his laptop (but not really), Sherlock is married to his Work (but not really), and John is more than proficient at keeping Sherlock (really, definitely). Part 48 of Mathematical Proof

Untouched by KittieHill (E, 3,239 w., 1 Ch. || Kissing, Frottage, Virgin Sherlock, Body Worship, Sherlock’s Scars Mentioned, Masturbation, PWP, Rimming, Multiple Orgasms) – Sherlock leaked a lot. John had never needed lubricant. John loved watching it, had once spent an entire afternoon edging Sherlock so he could watch as the thick precome drip, drip, dripped onto Sherlock's belly.

Love and Hair Dye by WhimsicalEthnographies (E, 3,920 w., 1 Ch. || Est. Rel., Body Worship, Self Conscious John, Voyeurism, Idiots in Love, Smutty Smut) – Self conscious John decides to cover the greys on his head, and the colour isn’t what he thought it would be. Now he’s more self-conscious than ever.

Living Musical by VeeTheRee (G, 4,149 w. 1 Ch. || Est. Rel., Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Hobbies, Summer, Song Fic, POV Sherlock, Painting, Play Fighting, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Love Declarations, Hair Petting, Promise of Forever) – A one-shot of John and Sherlock being domestic during summer. There is paint, fluff, and music from Imagine Dragons, namely from the album 'Speak To Me', specific song in this one-shot is 'Living Musical'. Part 1 of the Happy Fluffy Johnlock Time series

Onomatopoeia by aquabelacqua (M, 6,904 w., 1 Ch. || First Time/Kiss, Frottage, Dirty Talk, Domestics, Word Kink, POV Sherlock, Dry Humping / Sex, Chair Sex, Hair Pulling, Lazy Mornings, Hand Jobs, Friends to Lovers) – Something is the matter with John. Sherlock is determined to figure out what it is. Mark his words.

Division by MrsNoggin (E, 19,542 w., 11 Ch. || Coffee Shop AU || First Kiss/Time, Fluff, Barista Sherlock, Clingy Sherlock, POV John, John’s Limp, Bed Sharing, Fluff, Sleepy Cuddles, Sensuality, Touching, Virgin Sherlock, Insecure John) – John likes mysteries. And every morning he dips into the local independent coffee bar with his newspaper and ponders another... one Sherlock Holmes.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal, Autistic Sherlock) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”

Definitions by siennna (T, 101,528 w., 12 of ? Ch. || Dev. Rel., Pining, Fluff and Romance, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Fluff, Cuddles, Girl’s Night, Texting, Virgin Sherlock, Drunk Sherlock, Background Mollstrade, Hair Petting, Laying on Lap) – Sherlock’s journey in defining his flat mate and stumbling through the muddled world of emotion. {{This feels complete; the chapter count is listed as ? but I feel like it is done}}

Unkissed Series by 221b_hound (T to E, 184,100 w. across 45 works || Established Relationship, Ace Sherlock) – Sherlock returned from the dead a year ago. John returned to Baker Street six months ago. They've been in a couple since then. or at least, not NOT a couple. For two smart men, they sure can be dumb. Luckily, an art thief tries to drown Sherlock, Sherlock has a fever dream and things are about to change.

MARKED FOR LATER

Curlock by 88thParallel (G, 1,285 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Sherlock’s Hair, Fluff, Ficlet) – How Sherlock learned to control and appreciate the incredible gift he was born with, and the man who helped him sort it out.

Curls and Frizz by 221b_gone_feels (G, 2,026 w., 2 Ch. || Est. Rel., Sherlock’s Curls, Frizz, Curly Hair Problems, Fluff, Insecure Sherlock) – When it rains especially hard one day, John sees him in a new light. Or, hairstyle.

Pull by philalethia (E, 6,352 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss/Time, Hair Pulling, Hair Stroking, Kink Exploration, Scalp Massage, Pillow Humping, Demi Sherlock, Past Drug Use) – John pulls Sherlock's hair in a moment of frustration. Sherlock is surprised to find that he enjoys it.

I'll Show You the Difference by Ginger_Cat (E, 19,677 w. || Post-HLV, Infidelity, Hand/Blow Jobs, Hair-Pulling, First Kiss, Caught-In-The-Act, Almost Parentlock, Minor Character Death, Angst, Bittersweet Ending) – John attempts to prove that Sherlock's love for him is platonic. He fails, miserably.

Unwind Series by illwick (E, 697,027+ w. across 33 fics || Light BDSM / Power Dynamics, Dom!John/Sub!Sherlock, Switchlock, Hair-Pulling, Snsory Deprivation, Deepthroating, Face-Fucking, Handcuffs, Overstimulation, Forced Orgasm, Prostate Milking / Massage, Rough Sex, Biting, Food Sex, Consensual Kink, Sex on Everything, Chair Bondage, Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, Masturbation, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Oral/Anal, Fingering, Sex Toys, Captain John, Establish Relationship, Bratty Sherlock, Greedy Sherlock, Military Kink, Uniform Kink, Gunplay, Roleplay, Shower Sex, Oral Fixation, Praise Kink, Dry Humping, Facials, Dog Tags, Edgeplay, Multiple Orgasms, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Threesomes, Homophobia, Size Kink, Past Relationships, Past Drug Use, Double Penetration, Angst/Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Panties) – John and Sherlock unwind after a case.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #hair petting #hair pulling #sherlock's hair #my fic recs #Anonymous

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crowmagus · 3 years ago

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Arlo's Mind

"The mask?" I ask, picking the question out of the air like a frog might a fly. "I don't mean to make assumptions, it's just you have that lingering look like you wanted to ask about it. It's not too personal, in fact I've talked about it to a plethora of strangers."

I remove my elbows from the table, and make sure my hands are out of view before I begin fidgeting, counting my fingertips idly.

"The morning after I lost two years of my life, I couldn't bear to look in the mirror. I would go to shave or wash my face and feel such an extreme discomfort. I looked at my face and I saw a puzzle with a lost piece. I saw something that could never be finished. I saw someone with no hope of ever being whole."

I move my right hand to the stem of my wine glass, my left hand tenses on my kneecap. I begin to lift the glass, but stop myself before it comes off the table. I choose to instead swirl the rose liquid absentmindedly.

"It was maddening, really. That first few months were... they were terrible. I stopped writing, I pulled away from what few friends I still had..."

My speech trails off for a moment, I think I catch something move in the reflection of the wine glass. I don't turn around to check - a writer's imagination can play tricks on them, and it wouldn't be polite to look away during a conversation like this.

"Then one day, on one of my many substance fueled benders, I found myself breaking into an imports store..."// "I had a dream where I was surrounded by stone faces..." // "A package appeared at my door, with a note attached..." // "An old woman approached me on the street..." // "I was visited by an old friend, a lover once but that's not important..." // "I spent a good deal of time in therapy..." // "My brother, who I had presumed dead in the war..."

I stop, and look out the window. Evening already, not that it matters. I look down at the notebook in front of me. It remains empty.

I look around the room, vacant but not dusty. Hadn't I just been...

I shake my head, and run a hand through my hair. Greasy. Hadn't I just showered?

I reach into my coat pocket, and find that I am not wearing my coat. I just got home... didn't I?

I find my medication, second drawer down, in my nightstand. Wasn't I just in the study?

Since when do I have a study?

I feel my thoughts unwinding and steady myself on the bed in front of me. It's soft, authentic, real wool - a luxury on this planet....this planet?

My foot catches on nothing and I fall inelegantly onto the bed. Days worth of fatigue crash into me like a rogue wave. I feel sleep grab me like a starving animal, I fumble with the pill bottle as my eyes grow heavy. Why is it so hard to open? Why won't my hands obey me? I'm so close, I'm so close, I'm so

#creative writing

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noortjelanterfanter · 3 years ago

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Do I just have poor taste?

Because it seems like yes, I do. In partners that is. So, as people who have followed me for a while know, I live a poyamorous lifestyle. And a big part of living like that is communication. My newest partner hasn’t been in polyamorous relationships before and I stressed to him how important communication is to me. Somehow he neglected to tell me he has a date today until yesterday, at which time it just hit me like a fucking bomb freshly out of the spa. So not only has he singlehandedly pretty much wasted that 100 euros I spent in that damn spa, he also just neglects to tell me shit. And I’m a very traumatised person, especially when it comes to communication and trust. It’s not just because it comes with the lifestyle that I value communication. It’s because my trust has been severely broken in the past. But somehow he refuses to understand that. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have been hurt in the past because people just up and left me. So. I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about my trauma, but if I haven’t, here it is. Trigger warning on cheating, relationship problems and stuff related to that.

Sooo... I was in a monogamous relationship from my 16th till my 20th, 4 years and 12 days, to be exact. And a lot happened in those for years. I was very toxic, as I was a severely depressed, somewhat psychotic teenager and I put this poor guy through hell. I will never shun or shame him for leaving me, he should’ve done that way earlier. He was a lovely guy, I’m not sure I would’ve been here without him. He wasn’t perfect, the more I look back on it, he had his flaws too, the main one being very bigoted and extremely judgemental. I always blamed his Christianity for it, but I think he’s just a judgemental person. Anyway. The relationship should’ve ended way before it did. So... this relationship ended in November, around halfway through. Our anniversary was on November 5th. For the last part of our relationship I imagine he felt the way I feel a lot at the moment with my partners, enduring the abuse I threw at him. Anyway, over the summer I stayed at the house of an acquantance, for roughly a month. He stayed with me and it was pretty much the first time we lived together. I was in the process of getting therapy and for me it felt like we were in a relatively good place. I think in his mind he was already done, but just stayed out of habit (I kinda do the same). So at some point he has a concert planned. And I remember this very vividly, because it’s a significant moment. He went, and I didn’t, as I had decided I wouldn’t need to be in every aspect of his life and it was OK to give him some space and trust him, I think for the very first time I did this and fully felt OK with the situation. He met his current girlfriend on that event. I remember him joking that there was a girl that was very interested in him, but that she was really young. I remember joking that it was a bit early to leave me for a younger woman. And this joke haunts me. I get teary eyed remembering this. Over the next few weeks and months he slowly grew distant. He didn’t really engage with me after work when we still “lived together” snapping at me he just wanted to unwind, while he was just talking to that girl, which I didn’t know at the time, but I know now. This slowly grew... And as a depressed girl losing her one and only, I gripped on tighter. Which was the wrong thing to do, but it happens. So our anniversary comes, I think he bought me a cute gift, although I don’t remember. He posted this lengthy post on FB about how he was so fortunate to have me and how he loved me so much and how we would be together forever and blablabla. You know, the usual clingy cringy couple bullshit. And it was cute. And I felt loved. Less than 2 weeks later we were broken up. I think the weekend of the 14th of November we had a long talk. He wanted us to go to a couple we were very close with and whom I’m still fairly close with. To talk shit out. We decided to give it another week, even though I had people standby to pick me up in case it was a break up. The day after we went to see Marilyn Manson in concert. That weekend is a weird memory. Anyway. That whole weekend was a mess of a shitton of crying, him not wanting to look at me, but at the same time telling me I wouldn’t just lose him and how he wasn’t just going to leave (funny, because he did). He was very clear and saying that BS over and over again. I left on Monday evening. We broke up the next day. He was leaving me on read and then accused me of checking on him when I told him I saw him online on FB. So we called. And this asshole breaks up with me over the phone. On Tuesday the 17th. I was devestated, but the worst was yet to come. Over the following weeks I was accused of cheating, which I had considered when I was abroad, but had not actually done, but I’m very honest. I was accused of being a psycho, I was accused of lying, of abuse, of violence. And people that know me know that, yes, emotional abuse maybe, but I am the least violent person people meet. About a month later he said I needed to move on and couldn’t let him go. I blocked him on everything on the spot and that was that. He was angry. He was really angry. Which was fine, my point was made. I unblocked him from stuff a few days later because I don’t care. It was to prove a point. In the months following, I find out he bad-mouthed me to everyone who would hear it and also to people who wouldn’t, while I defended him even though the breakup was messy on his part. So fast forward to say... December. And I see he’s in a relationship. Starting on November 16th. Which is the day before we broke up. I was livid. I talked to him and he was denying it, he said we had broken up before. But bitch, I wouldn’t have gone to see Marilyn Manson with you if we were broken up before that day. Turns out he was already in a relationship with that other girl before he even broke up with me. And didn’t admit to that until after I told him I didn’t give a shit about the fact that it was wrong on FB and I didn’t expect him to change it. Just to tell me I’m right. Which he agreed to I was. I spoke to a girl who knew him at the time. She told me he had tried to sleep with her while I was in Dublin. He denies it, but honestly, who’se going to lose face if it turns out true? Not that girl that didn’t know me. So. I find out he cheated. There’s more mess and more stuff that makes me sad, but this is the gist of what happened to me. The one person who labeled himself as loyal, turned out to not be loyal at all, broke every ounce of trust I had and then accused me of the things that he did.

To this day, I have trust issues, I don’t do well in commitment, I deal horribly with every form of rejection and I always assume people are going to leave. I think he is the reason why I don’t commit to one person anymore. I think he’s the reason I turn psycho when people neglect to tell me they have a date. He’s the reason I don’t trust easily. He’s the reason I distance myself from people the second they do anything that could possibly hurt me. I don’t just go jealous, I go jealous, then psycho then indifferent. If you find me indifferent towards you, it means I’ve created a wall and good luck to you with the wall cause I shan’t be taking it down.

Anyway, sorry for the messy and emotional post. I just had to vent, because my partner caused me to relive all of this. As I already do every year from half October until December.

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mettaminerals · 3 years ago

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Life Healing Energy With Crystals

For quite a long time, many individuals Healing Crystals in adornments for the shear excellence of them. Gem Healing is considered by numerous a pseudo logical elective medication strategy that utilizes stones and crystals for healing yet is an antiquated practice that traces all the way back to something like 6,000 years. The Romans utilized crystals as charms to advance great wellbeing and accommodate insurance in fight. Roman and Greek specialists blended crystals in with plant removes, warmed them, and utilized restoratively. Antiquated Egyptians accepted these stones had the ability to reestablish wellbeing, and would likewise cover their dead with a quartz gem, which they accepted would direct their adored one securely to existence in the wake of death. Chinese utilized them to advance healing, edification, and fascination of wants.

Today, healers, Shamans, and clerics use crystals for their particular healing properties. I generally had an interest with stones and crystals yet that was the extent that it at any point went, until I was acquainted with crystals and their healing capacity at a Mind, Body, and Spirit Festival. Since crystals vibrate with the energy of the earth, they can assist you with adjusting your body to the Earth's energy. With these crystals, presently you as well, may vibrate at the most noteworthy energy - Earth Energy! This is the place where the healing starts. Utilizing crystals, and tuning yourself into their energy, you are then clearing blockages inside you which will upgrade your own normal healing forces. Most don't understand, yet our bodies were intended to act naturally adjusting and normally mend themselves. In any case, as life occurs, we here and there neglect to pause and deal with ourselves so frequently, that our bodies escape sync with that healing interaction, eventually making blockages in our physical and mental bodies.

Any blockages inside your life power is the thing that causes throbs, torments, and even illness to show in the actual body. It's therefore, I presently use crystals consistently for strength in a specific region in my life, for healing that is required that day, for individual reflection and clearness, or for use in my Reiki practice to incite love and light while cleaning and clearing Chakras. Reiki, as only one elective healing methodology, in it's most straightforward interpretation is Universal Life Force. It is the act of diverting the general life energy in a specific example to mend and fit the psychological and actual body and every one of our Chakras, which gets, absorbs, and communicates physical, passionate, and profound energy coursing through our bodies. There is a clearing method I use, just as an alternate explicit precious stone for each Chakra to clear any blockages around there. This makes room for life power energy to stream to you and through you to keep the psyche, body, and soul in it's heavenly condition of amazing wellbeing. In the event that we keep our brain, body, and soul vibrating on a high recurrence of affection and healing energy, we don't permit throbs, agonies, and infection to show and get comfortable the actual body.

This is only a short outline on Chakra healing with crystals. Every precious stone has its own novel healing property and a particular Chakra it reverberates with because of its tone. Our first Chakra, being the Root Chakra, manages establishing, and basically vibrates with and can be mended utilizing Red, Brown, or Black Crystals like Red Garnet, Hematite and Black Tourmaline. Our second Chakra, the Sacral Chakra, managing the mid-region and joy focuses, can mostly be fit with Orange Crystals, such Carnelian, Amber, and Orange Calcite. The Third Chakra, being the Solar Plexus Chakra, managing the Digestive System and individual force, reverberate with and can be mended with Yellow Crystals like Yellow Citrine, and Sunstone. The Fourth Chakra, the Heart Chakra, manages the Heart, Lungs, and Love. The Heart Chakra vibrates in a healing way with all Green or Pink crystals like Rose Quartz, Jade, or Green Aventurine. The fifth Chakra, the Throat Chakra, manages conveying, and reverberates with Blue Crystals like Blue Agate, Sodalite, or Sapphire. The 6th Chakra, the Third Eye Chakra, managing instinct and knowing, vibrates on a healing level with Violet Crystals like Amethyst, Lolite, and Flourite. The seventh Chakra, the Crown Chakra, managing the Central Nervous System and the Divine, resounds best with White or Purple Crystals like Selenite, Clear Quartz, or Amethyst.

I've actually been utilizing Crystals for my own healing for a lot, yet since starting the utilization of crystals for healing, I've had a couple of remarkable examples of overcoming adversity, some of which are important to me. The primary example of overcoming adversity is my better half who had rotator sleeve medical procedure. This, based on what I'm told by many individuals, is the most over the top agonizing a medical procedure you can have. This is most certainly an issue with a long healing time as he's just acquired around 3/4 of his movement back around there without torment so far over the most recent 5 months. At first, I would Reiki him while we were sitting and unwinding and the finish of every day. Then, at that point I brought a Carnelian ball into the image and what he disclosed to me while utilizing the healing ball was quite astonishing. The Carnelian ball brought him stunning warmth, practically like a hot stone wherever it contacted him assisting with unwinding and recuperate the muscles that had been cut off and controlled during a medical procedure, alleviating the aggravation actually like a hot stone back rub.

The second example of overcoming adversity is likewise precious to me as it has to do with my sister. My sister Deneen has Lupus, which is basically a provocative sickness where your body's resistant framework assaults its own tissue and organs. From what I hear and own her going, it is an extremely excruciating sickness and specialists simply toss various meds at it as an experimentation thing until they discover a medication that works. All things considered, she's as yet in a phase of her infection of not knowing what medicine works in aiding the aggravation which she bears each day. I've done Reiki healing on her various occasions in the past which has facilitated the aggravation barely enough to bring some relief, yet it wasn't until I begun Crystal Healing Therapy, that she's had supported help from the aggravation. I utilized different various Crystals to Cleanse and Clear her Chakra's, yet I additionally requested that she wear a Reiki Charged Hematite wristband for a couple of hours daily. It's been half a month and she's accounted for not having had a truly downright terrible day since.

My third example of overcoming adversity in only a couple of brief weeks has to do with somebody that has degenerative plate sickness which is torment in the lower back or neck because of a compromised circle in the spine. While there is a marginally hereditary reason to this infection, it's fundamentally brought about by normal mileage or some kind of injury to the body. With this kind of illness, there is ordinarily a steady, generally a slight benchmark torment. It likewise includes gentle to serious scenes of back or neck torment that by and large could endure anyplace from a couple of days to a couple of months and can be weakening during that time, prior to getting the individual once again to what they think about their standard in the aggravation division. Rachael had been languishing over numerous years with degenerative circle sickness when she came to me. I assisted her with the healing energy of Reiki and a Carnelian ball, which I used to treat lower back issues. After those two things, I utilized Hematite on her which, for her purposes, resembled the Belle of the Ball. When the Hematite stones connected with the skin on her lower back, she announced a dissolving of the aggravation very quickly and remained however long the Hematite remained on her back. I then, at that point educated her to proceed with this training all alone while she was not with me and to purge the Hematite with a Selenite stone so the entirety of the cynicism and poisons the Hematite assimilated from her, would be cleared prior to returning them to her lower back once more.

So regardless of the reported healing gem utilization of a considerable lot of our progenitors, some actually ruin the utilization of these stones alongside different types of elective medication. There are very few examinations to demonstrate or even refute the force of elective types of medications, for example, gem healing, needle therapy, Reiki, or even yoga as healing for the psyche, body and soul. This doesn't imply that these healing practices aren't viable. It simply implies that cash isn't being spent on what some consider to be "New Age" healing; that equivalent healing therapy that is really healing ancient. Likewise, regardless of the absence of exploration for these kinds of healing techniques, still around 33% of Americans utilize these or different types of elective medication. It is not necessarily the case that Crystal Healing Therapy is a fix all. You should in any case look for the assistance and clinical consideration from your PCPs, yet as you can see from these three totally different issues and infections from the above cases, Crystal Healing Stones really serve to enhance all endeavors of healing; regardless of whether you have enthusiastic injuries, explicit actual ailment, or basically need to build your energy levels, you can utilize crystals to vibrate with similar frequencies of earths energy and once again initiate your body's own personal healing capacities!

https://www.mettaminerals.com/

#Healing Crystals

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obeymestudentcouncil · 4 years ago

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I’m Coming Home- GN!Reader

This is a spin off of one of my headcanons I posted here a while back about the idea that MC’s soul is the only part of them that was pulled into the Devildom for the program. Their body remained in the human realm in a coma-like state, waiting for them to come back. The program ends and they go back to normal life. But is that what they want? Obv. TW: coma mention

You said your goodbyes, the bright light of the spell surrounding you; sending you home. The faces of the demons you’d spent the last year with, your friends, your lover, they all faded from view. You closed your eyes against the heartache, burning their faces into you memory. Hoping it wouldn’t be the last time you’d see any of them.

When you opened your eyes, it was to an unfamiliar ceiling, bare neutral walls and soft afternoon light leaking through closed blinds. Harsh beeping made you turn your head in confusion, finally realizing you were in a hospital. The door was open, excited sounds outside in the hall. The voice of your mother, calling for a nurse. The nurse bustling into the room, silencing the machine.

A coma, they said. You found collapsed in your apartment floor by your roommate a year ago. The doctors couldn’t figure out what had happened. You just…weren’t there. You knew, but you knew telling them wouldn’t be wise. So you didn’t. Kept the secret of what the past year had been like for you locked away in your heart. Your family was devout; telling them you’d been in hell with Satan and Lucifer while humorous in your mind wouldn’t have gone well with them.

A few weeks in the hospital, regaining strength. Physical therapy, close monitoring of everything, to watch for a relapse. Therapists, clergy, all wanting to know what you’d experienced. Still you kept your silence, making up wavering, uncertain dream states.

Your parents insisted that you stay with them, all your belongings had been brought home when you went into the hospital, your roommate had someone else to help them with the rent now. That’s when it started hitting you. By now you’d expected to see someone. You would almost be convinced that it was just a dream. Except that when you finally had time in private, back in your childhood bedroom, you stood in front of your mirror and saw the proof. Your pact marks, though faint, were there. All seven, marking your skin in the places they had been since each brother had given them to you. You tried making sure the skin was visible during the day, your family knew you had no tattoos, they certainly didn’t approve of them. No reaction meant that you knew you were the only one who could see them. Late one night, you tried, using anything you could remember about how to use them. Called out to each of them in turn, but you were met with silence.

Life returned to “normal”; you found a new job, determined to get out of your parent’s stifling, overprotective reach as soon as you could. Most of your friends had moved on, several married now, even a few with little ones on the way. You made new friends and the loneliness eased.

As the months went on, you were finally content enough with your life. Your missed them all still, missed the sense of belonging you’d found there. You signed up for a family lineage site, poring over entries late into the night, curious if you could find her. As much for your peace of mind as anything. It was a fun hobby, but proved fruitless.

It was worst when you’d feel like one of them was there. A glimpse of sandy blonde hair in a clothing store, the hint of Asmo’s tittering laughter. You’d look again and nothing. Browsing the stacks of the library and see a blue jacket worn ridiculously on one arm. Turn the corner after them and it was just a little old lady, not even wearing blue. Your heart almost stopped when you passed a game store in the mall, a loud drawn out scream over some figure making you double take. You knew before turning around, there wasn’t anyone there. Days like that were the ones to leave you full of heartache.

After a rough day at work, the walk through park on your way home usually helped you unwind. This time, it was the twins. You’d swear that was Beel’s mop or red hair, Belphie’s dark head against his shoulder as he dozed. It was out of the corner of your eye, and it looked like Beel waved at you but by the time you turned, the bench was empty. You dragged yourself home, begged off dinner and dropped face first into your bed. The glimpses were getting more frequent, every few days you had another burst of hope only for it to shatter a heartbeat later.

You grabbed your pillow to bury your face in, hide the sobs you felt in your throat. Underneath it your hand hit something that you were sure hadn’t been there that morning. Wide-eyed you pulled your D.D.D. out from under the pillow. You glanced at the door, hopping up and clicking the lock before sitting on the bed. Hands shaking, you unlocked the device. You immediately saw the notifications for several messages. You read each in turn, tears coming to your eyes as several of them were from the days you knew you’d seen or heard them. They’d all been watching you, but not allowed to let you know. It wasn’t much, but it made your heart soar to know you hadn’t imagined it.

The last messages were different. One was from him. The one that leaving hurt the most. Promising that as soon as possible, he would stop the hiding, stop the games. The final message, just sent that afternoon, was from the Prince. Detailing why the silence, why the lack of communication for the past months. He wanted to give you time to readjust to your life in your world. They’d all petitioned him for you to stay, even he didn’t want to see you go. But they all saw reported back to him, what they’d seen, what they’d heard. Even when you hadn’t noticed them.

Your eyes filled with tears. The last sentences were an offer to come home, come back to them, permanently. But, if you did, you likely wouldn’t be able to return to the human world. That was the reason for the adjustment period. But they knew you weren’t happy. Not the way you’d been before. They’d seen it. You had a choice to make. One message back, and a portal would be ready for you to return.

You sat and stared at your device, mind reeling. The thought of leaving your family behind, for good, it didn’t sit well with you. But then again, you had another family too; and the hole in your heart that leaving them a world away had left was slowly eating you alive. Fingers steady, you made your answer, sent it, and waited. The response didn’t take long, two simple words.

Very Well.

#obey me #my fics #my writings #tw: coma

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nothingeverlost · 4 years ago

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Fic: Thunderstorms and Pancakes (Baby Steps Verse)

We had a pretty big storm last week that gave me this plot bunny. Takes place about a week after Bae comes home to visit.

“I should be going.” He’d been to dinner every night since Bae had come home, at Belle’s insistence. Since it was Saturday he’d been at the house since lunch, sharing a picnic in the back yard with his son and Emma, Belle and Ruby. Trevelyn worried that it was too much, but when he’d tried to beg off dinner the night before Belle had reminded him that Emma was only around for another day, and Bae would have to go to New York in a week.

“It’s still raining pretty hard, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Belle never mentioned his cane or the limp that was evident, and he never offered any information. He could see her glance at his leg, though, before frowning at the window. It had been raining for more than an hour, the summer shower a surprise.

“I’m sure it will let up soon.” At that moment the windows lit up and a roll of thunder made the house shake.

“I don’t think so, dad. Remember what happened when I was ten and old man Hubbard drove in a storm like this? He was lucky to get out of the car before it ended up in the river.”

“Fortunately I don’t pass any rivers on the way home.” After another flash of lightning the lights flickered. The rain, rather than receding, seemed to pound harder against the glass.

“I think you should stay in the guest room tonight, Trev. We’ll all sleep better knowing that you’re not out in this.” Belle collected the dessert dishes. Ruby was already sleeping, the baby monitor on the table where Belle could watch her. Bae and Emma nodded in agreement.

“I don’t want to be an imposition.” Bae mentioned Hubbard, but Trev remembered another night drive fifteen years ago that had ended in weeks of hospitalization, months of therapy and surgeries, and a cane he still hated with a passion. He hated how much his knee ached in the rain too. Staying inside had more than one advantage, but he didn’t want to make Belle do any more work. It would be strange to sleep in his house again as well.

“You couldn’t be more of an imposition than Bae, and she puts up with him.” Emma leaned over, hitting Bae’s shoulder with her own. Their chairs were only inches apart; they liked to touch. Bae rolled his eyes but leaned into the touch as well.

“I insist.” Belle briefly squeezed Trev’s shoulder as she returned to the table. “I think you might still have some things in the back of the closet. If not Bae probably has something you can borrow to sleep in.”

He did end up needing to borrow a pair of sweatpants, though Belle found him a long forgotten t-shirt that had clearly been a present from Bae. It declared him to be the ‘world’s okayest dad.’ Trev shook his head when he saw it, but Belle had been amused.

“Are you certain you wouldn’t prefer the master bedroom? The bed is bigger.” Belle made the same offer she’d made already.

“The guess room is fine.” A full sized bed was plenty for him. He tried not to think about any reasons why he might need a larger bed. None of his thoughts involved being alone, so they were best not considered at all. Especially when the only person he’d fantasized about recently was standing in front of him. The fact that the master room had been a space he’d shared with Milah for so long didn’t even occur to him. “Besides Ruby would be confused if she came looking for you.”

“Ruby would be delighted if she found her ‘Good’ when she came looking for me. She’s going to be so excited tomorrow when she realizes you’re here for breakfast.”

Gold nodded, holding the t-shirt to his chest. He couldn’t shake the image of lying in bed with Belle, an arm draped casually over her waist. Not doing anything, just lying with her and sharing space when Ruby came in for breakfast. It was a daydream that left him rattled; he never had moments like that in Bae’s childhood. It wasn’t his brain replicating a memory, but a completely separate dream. “I should go to bed.”

“Sweet dreams, Trev. You know where almost everything is, but if you have any questions you know where to find me.”

Unfortunately he knew all too well where to find her, not that he would breach the doorway that had been his own for so many years. “Thank you.”

“Hey dad, these should work. They have a drawstring, which I thought might help since you’re skinny.” Bae came out of his bedroom with the promised sweatpants. Behind him Emma leaned in the doorway of the bedroom that had been Bae’s since he was three weeks old and Milah had declared she couldn’t sleep with a baby in the master bedroom. While he knew that Bae and Emma were sharing a room it was still a little startling to see it with his own eyes. It didn’t bother him, but it was another reminder that his son was grown up. He was so proud of his boy, but some part of him would always miss the child he had been.

“Your dad has a little restraint around desserts, unlike some people I know,” Emma teased.

“Hey, I inherited my love of cake from him. He had a piece too. But I bet he’s still in the habit of skipping meals. Tea does not count as breakfast.” Behind Gold he heard a snort, and turned to find Belle covering her mouth. She shrugged, but he could tell she was amused to find that she wasn’t the only one to scold him for having tea alone in the morning.

“Yeah, like no one saw you sneak that second piece in the kitchen.” Emma rolled her eyes before vanishing into the bedroom. Gold was pretty certain he heard Bae mutter something about working off the calories. He didn’t want to ask for clarification. Fortunately the guest bedroom didn’t share a room with his son’s bedroom.

“I’ll just take this and-” he gestured at the door to the room that was just past Belle’s own.

“Sleep well, Trev.” Belle’s smile seemed to ensure he’d have either sweet dreams or troubled sleep.

“Goodnight Belle.” He was used to speaking to her over the phone and wishing her a good night, or speaking to her from the end of the hall at the bed and breakfast. Somehow the hallway of his home - her home now - seemed more intimate.

“Goodnight!” A duel shout came from behind the closed door of Bae’s room as he headed for the guest room door.

He couldn’t sleep. Perhaps it was being back in the house that held so many memories, or perhaps it was knowing that only a wall separated him from the bedroom where Belle was sleeping. Either way he spent an hour staring wide eyed at the ceiling before giving up and getting out of bed. If he remembered correctly there was still a bottle of whiskey in the library. Unless Belle had a taste for it, which he doubted, it should still be there. A wee dram might help him fall asleep. Carefully he walked down the hall, avoiding the squeaky floorboard near Bae’s room. Since he didn’t carry his cane he had to use the handrail on the stairs. To his surprise there was a light on in the library.

“Belle?” She sat at the desk, the only light coming from the lamp in the upper corner of the desk and the glow of the laptop monitor. The clock on the wall told him it was a little after midnight.

“End of the month reports have to be finished tomorrow. I’m almost done.” She leaned back in the chair, taking off a pair of glasses he rarely saw her wearing. “Employees need paychecks and the quarterly taxes are due.”

“You don’t have a payroll person for that?”

“Granny always did it herself. I remember sitting next to her at the kitchen table, working on homework while she was working on it. There were always cookies. I guess it makes me feel closer to her.” Belle stretched, leaning back farther in the chail. The bottom of her pajama top rose just enough to see a narrow strip of skin. “I should probably look into a service, but I only think of it at midnight when I’m struggling to get it done.”

“I can ask my bookkeeper if she can take on someone new. I believe she does payroll.” Belle had enough to do, managing two businesses and raising a two year old. She didn’t need to stay up late with paperwork. He would make sure Ariel could take her, even if he had to pay to make it happen.

“You don’t need to-” Belle stopped mid sentence, shaking her head. “No, that’s silly. I know I need help and as usual you have just the answer I need. Thank you, Trev. I would appreciate the recommendation.”

“I’ll make a call tomorrow.”

“Thank you. Now what can I do for you? You didn’t come down here to talk about payroll and taxes.”

“I was planning on having a drink, actually.” The scotch was exactly there he left it. A few years additional aging would only improve the flavor.

“May I join you?”

“Really?” He’d seen her drink wine, and could imagine her with a daiquiri in hand.

“Sure. I’m almost done with my work and it would help me unwind. I even have my own glass.” Grinning she picked up a plastic tumbler with a cartoon on it, one of Ruby’s. “If you don’t mind sharing, of course.”

“I don’t mind.” She sat at his desk in his library, though he’d cleared enough bookshelves off to allow her some space for her collection. The bed she slept in was his. There was a great deal they shared already, a drink hardly seemed like anything in comparison. Yet as he placed the glass he’d brought from the kitchen next to the plastic cup and added the liquor to each it felt strangely intimate. Perhaps it was the late hour.

“Should we toast something?” Belle took hold of her glass, but a moment later almost dropped it when a lightning strike lit up the room.

“Belle?”

“I don’t like lightning very much.” She took a sip of her drink, making a face that told him she didn’t appreciate the taste. It didn’t stop her from taking a second sip.

“My father told a story when I was a lad about a selkie looking for his lost love in a thunderstorm. She was human and they had fallen in love when he had rescued her from a shipwreck, but her people had come for her and taken her back to their land. Whenever lightning fills the sky you know he’s still looking for her.” His father hadn’t been worth much, but he had been able to spin a story. As a child it had entertained him. As he’d gotten older ‘story’ had just been another word for a lie.

“My mother told me that angels were bowling. It didn’t scare me when I was a kid.” He couldn’t see into the plastic cup but guessed it was mostly gone after she took another sip. When he held up the bottle she nodded and he refilled her glass. She started into the depths of the glass as if it was something more than plastic with unicorns on it. Knowing what it was like to get lost in thoughts he didn’t say anything. It was a few minutes before she spoke. “There was a thunderstorm the night my mother died. She would always come into my room when there was a storm to check on me and ask me who was winning the bowling game. I waited but…”

“I’m sorry, Belle.” Her voice wavered and she didn’t seem able to continue. He remembered her mentioning moving to America after her mother’s death. She’d been too young to lose a mother, as well as a father not long after.

“Ruby doesn’t mind a storm, and I don’t want her to think they’re scary. I suppose I should have a story for her.” Belle looked over her shoulder, as if waiting to catch the next clap of thunder.

“You could tell her about the angels bowling.” He could almost picture her as a girl of Ruby’s age, asking for a story. She probably wasn’t quite as demanding as Ruby could be, but just as hard to deny.

“I think I like your story better. Maybe you could tell me the whole thing sometime?” Perhaps it was the fact that the thunder hadn’t rumbled again, or the fact that she was almost done with her second pour of whiskey, but she seemed more relaxed.

“If you like.” For a moment he could almost hear an echo of his father’s voice. And his own, as he tucked in a little boy that was now a grown man.

“Not tonight, though. I think I need to go to sleep.” She drained the last of her glass and closed up her laptop. “You know how early Ruby likes to get up.”

“I’ll walk with you.” She wasn’t wearing those ridiculous high heels she wore often when she was out, but he still worried about her balance, especially since she’d fallen only a few days earlier. Not that his balance was much better, and he hadn’t even finished his drink.

“I’m glad you stayed tonight, Trev. I would have worried about you driving in this.” They made it up the stairs, though there were one or two false starts. His leg was unsteady without his cane and Belle’s focus was less than perfect.

“I wouldn’t want to make you worry.” He understood her worry even better now then he had a few hours ago. “Sleep well, Belle. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Bae said something about pancakes.” Belle smiled sleepy at him as she stood in the doorway of the bedroom. The walls that had been white when it was his room were a pale blue now. It was a color that suited her.

“Unless he learned something in Italy I assume that means he’s volunteered me for breakfast duty.” Saturday morning breakfasts had been a tradition of theirs for most of Bae’s childhood. Milah had liked to sleep in, so it had usually been the two of them. It would be nice to cook for his boy again. And to cook breakfast for Belle for the first time.

“We’ll make him wash the dishes,” Belle said with a grin and a wink before she closed the door behind her. Gold walked on to his room, closing the door behind him. He was no less awake then he had been, but his mind felt more focused. He took out the notepad he always carried with him and a pen, and started to write the story of a selkie in love. It wasn’t the type of story he usually wrote, but it was a familiar tale and flowed quickly. Perhaps he’d talk to Bae about doing up a few illustrations. It would make a nice gift for Belle. And Ruby, of course.

The sound of howling woke him. Looking at his clock he realized that it was a little before eight. It took him a moment later to realize that the noise was a little girl declaring that she was awake. Since he didn’t hear any other noises he hurried from his bed to the room across the hall. Perhaps he would be able to let Belle sleep a little longer, she could do with a lie in.

“I’m looking for a little girl to help me make some pancakes, but all I hear is a wolf.” He stood in the doorway to Ruby’s room, where she stood up on her bed. It was a tiny thing no full sized person could possibly lay down on. Gold knew that the mattress had been part of Ruby’s bed before the move.

“Good, my good, my good.” Ruby’s cries of delight were slightly quieter than her howls, but not by much. Gold looked across the hall at Belle’s still closed door.

“You’ll have to be quiet if you want to make pancakes,” he cautioned.

“Ruby be quiet. Shhh shhh shh.” She held one chubby finger up to her mouth to demonstrate. Gold couldn’t help but smile.

“That’s what I like to see in a sous chef.” He held out a hand and she was quick to respond, jumping off her bed with a level of disregard of safety that would worry him if her bed was more than a foot from the floor. In moments her small hand was in his. Her other hand touched his sweatpants.

“Good go night night?” she asked.

“Yes, I slept here.” He was glad she didn’t ask any more questions as they walked down the hall past Belle and Bae’s rooms. When they got downstairs she was quickly distracted by cracking eggs and mixing with spoons, and didn’t ask any questions about why he’d spent the night.

“So Bae wasn’t lying about the pancakes.” Emma was the first person to come downstairs, heading straight for the coffee pot. It seemed that she liked her morning caffeine as much as Belle and his son. Ruby hadn’t been patient enough for him to make his usual tea.

“It’s been a while since I’ve done this. Hopefully they’re edible,” he said with a shrug. He hadn’t spent more than a few minutes alone with Emma. She seemed nice enough, and certainly being around her made Bae happy, but it always took him time to get used to people. To call his social circle limited would be generous.

“I remember the first time my dad tried making pancakes for me. They were black on one side and raw in the middle but I ate them.” Emma took a mug from the cabinet and poured herself a cup of coffee, adding some of the flavored creamer Belle always had in the fridge.

“Was your mom usually the one that made the pancakes?” He asked, only half paying attention. Ruby was sitting on the edge of the counter and half of his focus was on making sure she didn’t decide at any moment to try jumping.

“Nah, she’s a teacher so mornings were not a leisure time for her. She’d already left for work that day, I think. I’d only been with them for a couple of weeks and David was kind of going overboard on trying to fit in as many ‘normal’ kid things as he could. He still can’t make a decent pancake but he was a great softball coach.” Emma settled at one of the stools on the side of the counter, both hands wrapped around her mug.

“You’re adopted.” For a moment all of his focus was on her, and he could see a look in her eyes that he recognized from his own years in foster care. He hadn’t seen it before.

“My mom likes to say that we were always a family, it just took us time to find each other. She’s big on fairy tales. Sometimes I think she forgets that I lived anywhere before them.” Emma took a sip of her coffee. “I hope you don’t mind, but Bae mentioned that you were in the system too.”

“Yeah.” He didn’t remember his mother. Malcolm had been interested in him as long as he was young and cute and a good distraction while he worked his cons, but once he’d gotten too older he’d become less useful and asked too many questions. He’d spent most of his time in group homes until Penny and Flo had taken him in just before his sixteenth birthday. They had taken their role as foster parents very seriously; the home he now rented to Belle had been theirs, left to him in their will.

“Belle reminds me of my mom a little. Ruby’s a lucky kid.”

“She is.” He remembered how nervous Belle had been in the beginning. She had worried about Ruby’s happiness and what was best for the baby, but had never said a word about her own plans changing so completely.

“Ruby lucky,” the little girl agreed, waving around a spoon and flinging pancake batter everywhere. “Ruby want pancake.”

“Soon,” Gold promised, glad of the distraction. “We have to cook them first.”

“Ruby want m’Belle.”

“Belle is sleeping.” He knew how rare it was for Belle to be able to sleep in.

“Bae’s sleeping too, but he doesn’t need to be. How about we go get him up, Rubes? Want to help me?” Emma downed the rest of her coffee and reached for the girl who eagerly jumped at her. Emma settled her on her hip. “Figured this breakfast thing might go smoother without the pancake batter flying everywhere and Bae will sleep ‘til noon if we leave him alone.”

“Thank you.” He would be less worried about the griddle without Ruby being so close, and he might even be able to make himself that cup of tea. For a moment when she turned to walk away Gold’s heart skipped a beat. Someday, whether it was with Emma or someone else, Bae would have a child of his own. A family that, he hoped, would visit him. He hadn’t thought much of grandchildren before. For so long his family had simply been himself and Bae. It seemed to be growing.

“Do I smell pancakes?” He expected Bae and Emma to come into the kitchen, but a few minutes later it was Belle that appeared, wrapped in a robe but wearing the same sea green pajamas underneath that she had worn the night before. “And coffee too? Bless you.”

“Emma made the coffee.” He looked down at his pancakes more intently then necessary, checking to see if they needed to be turned. He’d lived down the hall from her for almost a year and a half and had seen her early in the morning and late at night. Somehow, though, seeing her barefoot in the kitchen with her hair clearly tousled from sleep felt almost too intimate. It was too easy to think about the fact that she had been in a warm bed only minutes ago. His bed, though he hadn’t slept in it for years. “Everyone else should be down soon and we can eat.”

“Have I mentioned yet how glad I am you stayed?” She padded through the kitchen towards the coffee maker, her bare feet not making a sound. After she poured herself a mug she came to stand next to him, close enough to touch if he leaned to the side just a little. He didn’t.

“I…”

“Anyone looking for a tickle monster? Because I caught one.” Bae came into the kitchen with a laugh, holding an upside down Ruby insisting that she wasn’t a monster. Emma followed immediately behind declaring that Bae had earned whatever he’d gotten and that a tickling from a two year old was way better than a pitcher of ice water. The sudden chaos only settled down when everyone sat at the table and whatever he had been about the say to Belle was long forgotten.

#verse: baby steps #rumbelle fic #my fic #hints of #swanfire

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