#i have rlly fuckin bad rsd

[nervouswaltz]

12, 60, 62!

12: how does receiving or not receiving feedback support impact you?

i got fuckin rsd demons like if i post a fic pleas e tell me you if u like it bc 1. it motivates me to make More Stuff and 2. if i get crickets i sorta spiral for a bit which isn’t healthy but i get over myself p quickly. at the end of the day i’m writing for myself and i don’t post fic that i’m unhappy with and reader engagement is like a Little Treat but also it’s kinda important to me to feel like someone’s actually reading what i’m offering.

60: Have you had a writer you admire comment on your fic? What was that like?

yeah a bunch of times (including my mutuals now because they fucking rule) and every time i get up and dance around my room or i make a weird little noise or i go [NAME] :( out loud it’s rlly rewarding

62. Thoughts on cliffhangers?

they can be done well, but they need to be built up with attention and care like you need to know going in that you’re building to a cliffhanger. otherwise you’re just dodging writing an actual ending and i dont fuck with that. write some bad endings and then you’ll write some better ones

[yaoiadderall]

@dont-let-your-dremes-be-memes it’s difficult for us too!! if someone’s using it to manipulate u that’s one thing but it’s not like we can fuvkin help having rsd!!!! i don’t WANT to feel like The Worst Person in the Entire World for unknowingly doing something minorly wrong, i just do bc i have a disease that effects how my brain processes shit. i try not to let it show bc i know it’s not the other person’s fault but it’s not mine either!!!!!!!!

@ ppl without adhd: don’t complain about how someone else’s rsd is just so incredibly hard for you bc you can’t ask them to make any kind of change. you can, the person with rsd might just be sensitive about it and you might have to offer more reassurance. but i can garuntee you it’s harder for them bc not only do they feel like absolute and utter shit abt seemingly minor things, they likely know it’s a problem and r hyperaware of how theyre affecting those around them, leading them to feel even shitter. comments like these just set it off worse bc if something i literally cannot help is annoying and inconvenient then my entire existence might as well be.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is wild. Someone will be like "hey just so you know the thing you did was a little bit loud/uncomfortable/insensitive but it's ok I know you didn't mean it" and my brain will instantly translate "you should be shot"

[cozycreaturescorner]

here is what it is to live inside me:

i am always bursting at the seams

my emotions seem so much larger, so much greater than one could hope to fit in so small a man

as if all the gods in their realms stiched the long and varied history of human feeling into one tiny vessel

sealing and setting it onto the world

to master itself

or rip limb from limb with the force of the universe inside

[anatolypilled]

adhd freddie: a mini essay and why it’s (basically) canon

aka: freddie talks abt adhd freddie for a little too long to the point where you have to ask yourself “is this really canon or r they just projecting too much” 

- he gets bored. very easily. i feel like a very good example of this is der kleine franz. it’s been only ten minutes and he says he’s getting antsy, unlike florence, who’s pretty okay just sitting there waiting for anatoly. then he goes off to do something else... look at a mountain

- he’s very sensitive to sound / the environment around him. i’m pretty sensitive to sound as well, and freddie is pretty much... me... this is mostly *real* in kennedy center chess. he talks about the lights flickering/buzzing, anatoly’s coughing, the board being “too shiny” which could be his paranoia, but it can also be his adhd .... also i think he experiences a bout of sensory overload there 

- he’s pretty impulsive and you can see that in one night in bangkok. esp during the bway plot... it’s something he decides on right after the fight w florence, and there he gets mugged n shit ... but clearly it was just an impulsive decision ??? 

- this one goes hand in hand w kc chess, but he is also vry forgetful. not regarding chess, but regarding things... he needs to do daily. they make a big deal abt it in kc bc florence always has to remind freddie to take! your! pills! which again could be the paranoia, but also could be his adhd ??? 

- i don’t think i need to explain his hfx on chess lol 

- he’s also a very ??? fidgety person if u didn’t notice ??? maybe im just a little #obsessive but in chess broadway casnoff does a rlly good job of showing this. i think it’s during hotel scene w walter/freddie/florence and he’s practicing w florence... and he’s literally all over the fucking place. man is sitting one second then changing his sitting position the next doing it all over again getting up movin his hands around like /?!?@!?#@ 

- WAIT fuck also covering his impulsiveness, during how many women (god if u couldnt tell im too attached to bway chess) it’s kinda just him ?? saying shit without thinking ?? in general i think freddie says a lot of shit just to say shit (press conference etc.) the “im 90% of the way to the top of the heap” “thanks, 10% you got me cheap” “no no florence i mean we’re 90%—” 

- how many women. in general 

- his fuckin. rsd. which is a whole fucking ted talk in and of itself 

- ok. so. his rsd manifests itself in so many different ways throughout this damn musical. but it’s very prominent with his relationship to florence, to his mother, and to chess. 

- when he ruins his relationship for florence, freddie has this big, big outburst that is: one night in bangkok (btw the fact that chess has so many. canons/not canons is too confusing but here im talking abt chess bway) which is him wandering the streets of a place he’s never been to, with no ppl guiding him, drinking and partying and doing drugs, then getting mugged... because of what happened w florence. as well as his extreme anger towards her when he sees her again after mountain/terrace duet ... 

- another thing that has probably attributed to the severity of his rsd is his. childhood trauma ... esp with his mother. in kc chess he becomes us chess champion at 11, and it remains canon that his father leaves when he’s 12 so it’s like. “holy shit. i win all this shit and you still cant believe in me? you still have to reject mom and i?” and this was just . a very bad experience for him. PITY THE CHILD IS LITERALLY. him talking abt how he avoided certain situations because he didn’t want to experience the rejection that he thought was gonna come ???!@??! even today ??? he doesn’t call his mother bc he doesn’t want to face the rejection (that probably isn’t going to happen because look how famous he is ??? but man thats how rsd works it sucks #lol) that he’s expecting already. HELLO ?????  

- lastly ... his rsd w chess ... freddie does not like losing (but who does) ... bc, to him, losing = rejection. losing = disappointment. losing = losing the few ppl who keep him around. and .... do you see the shit he pulls to not lose? the yogurt, the accusations, all because he was close to losing the game. “he’s a bad sport blah blah blah” but he goes to extreme lengths to make sure. he doesn’t. lose. 

- some final things to note: his anger! his restlessness! 

- anyway. end of post bc this has gotten too long i fear but uh, if ur a adhd freddie believer pls like. interact or smth / talk to me bc adhd freddie is smth i hold very close LOL this was a fucking mess but hey 

[embers-burning-bright]

coming back to uni more like Anxiety 2: Aw Shit Here We Go Again