#but im SO fucking drained from that holy shit and ive also been thinking about black sails which makes me emotional

[wifegideonnav]

well i… finished act 5 act 2. gonna have to rewatch cascade a bunch of times and probably read the act summary on the wiki but i have officially reached the end of the act

still enjoying it a lot but it’s getting harder and harder to read. summing up a rant i gave my friend, i’m not super in love with the sense of predestined futility - or more accurately, i don’t feel that the narrative has properly addressed that yet and justified why i should be reading about these characters who were like 100x doomed from the start.

there are so many characters and so much happening that nothing is lingered upon, which is nice pacing-wise but not so nice emotional-impact-wise. i also think the “everybody dies a bajillion times and it’s fine until all of a sudden it’s not” thing works against it in a sense, especially when the narrative doesn’t stop to mourn anyone who’s actually dead, bc by the time you realize hey wait maybe like. vriska or dad or feferi/nepeta/equius etc are dead for real it’s been like 200+ pages and you’re like well ok. what do i do here exactly.

and i know that that’s an intentional choice hussie made for how he wanted to craft his narrative - im wishing for things that he deliberately chose not to give. im not trying to say that these choices are flaws in his writing, just that as an audience member i tend to prefer the tlt method of dealing with death, where one main character dies and then the entire next book is about another ripping herself apart because of it.

im not giving up by any means, or even saying that this is what’s dominating my reading experience. like i said im still enjoying myself and appreciate most of the creative decisions that hussie is making. it can just feel very draining i suppose, watching these characters i’ve come to care about - almost all of whom are literal children - fighting so hard so futilely, and so far, imo the narrative hasn’t paid that off. however, with that out of the way, here are (some of, bc this shit was long as hell) my thoughts on the act, more or less in order:

i have literally no interest in johnkat. probably partially bc my friend is so into davekat that ive been conditioned to just wait for that to happen but also bc they have no chemistry. sorry to any johnkat shippers out there but idc it’s boring

i have slightly more but still negligible interest in john/vriska. probably bc i… don’t really care about john. sorry to any john stans out there but idc he’s boring

karkat and terezi sharing a keyboard to argue my beloved

rose my beloved. but also. sweetie :/

vriska my beloved. but also. SWEETIE :/

kanaya my beloved. you’re doing great no notes

oh yeah dave and terezi manipulated the stock market. still don’t 100% understand that but whatever good for them

yeah ok the dream bubbles. christ. like ok i GET it but they’re still annoying

i love jade’s dynamic with karkat she really goes from “teehee im just a silly little girl haha” to “im going to eviscerate this motherfucker”

bec prototyping himself was genuinely such a good reveal

is it just me or is john's power like. way lamer than the other kids' lmao. like it's still cool, def better than nothing, but come on

not too much to say abt the exiles but i love them

also with all the fucking timeline bullshit that's going on i literally can't wait to reach the end and reread with the uhsc mod that lets you follow a specific person's timeline. i canNOT keep track of what's happening when for who

it is literally so funny that vriska has been the cause of jade's narcolepsy this entire time. like wow girl you really took the opportunity to be a massive dick to her huh

LET'S BE SANTA

frogs. ok sure. why not.

fuck doc scratch all my homies hate doc scratch. i will say though. he is a fantastic character.

holy shit eridan and gamzee snapping and killing like everyone. that was buckwild what the fuck. not gonna lie idc that equius is dead, and nepeta, feferi, and tavros were never my faves. but got damn it sucks that they're dead. (ostensibly. still not one thousand percent convinced)

sad karkat :(

murderous kanaya :D

WV "DRIVING" AHHHH

oh god the ancestors. sorry but i simply do not care about that shit. like i know that they're actually relevant but. :/

also i don't like the trope of chains of events being echoed across generations. like damn get your own plot. also it ties into that determinism and futility that i'm grappling with

i will say though. mindfang mentally thanking redglare for taking her arm because then her battle against his honorable tyranny because it made it "a fair fight"? hot. i'm brave enough to say it.

aradia is cool as fuck. i wish we got more of her/her personality

aradia's ancestor is also cool as fuck. sucks that literally nothing she did to resist her fate worked or mattered

the scratch stuff is genuinely interesting narratively/in terms of a plot device. again it still sucks that the beta kids aren't actually going to get to win the game themselves. like i assume they'll be talking to/guiding the alpha kids but like. god it's so unfairrr i bet there'll be angst about this

rose going grimdark is so fun. also LMAO john trying to chat with her in that flash game portion

TEREZI god i love her. sucks that she killed vriska tho bc i love her and also i ship them. oh well murder is not necessarily a roadblock to them getting together. troll romance sure is weird. i have hope in my heart.

vriska isn't dead forever bc no she isnt <3

the betty crocker shit. is funny. and also stupid as hell.

SAD KARKAT :((

ok i guess the stuff about karkat's ancestor and the history of the troll race is kinda interesting. whatever.

everyone's in love/hate with gamzee all of a sudden?? literally why. troll romance sure is FUCKING confusing

that was a pretty anticlimactic climax to the gamzee situation, gotta say

cascade was confusing as fuck i don't have thoughts on it yet

so yeah that's it! if you're still reading, why? let me know what your thoughts on act 5 act 2 were when you read it, or your thoughts on my thoughts lol. just pls no spoilers for anything past cascade!!

[prttydolls]

𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐘, 𝐖𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐍𝐔𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑. — draco malfoy

summary : draco did everything in his power to reach out to you, and confess everything during the war. but what happens when you already moved on?

warning(s) : none

authors note : credits to @planetaryrph for the divider <3 also, pls rb !! it helps alot <3

special tag : @miss-celestial-being

draco knew this was wrong, very wrong. him ignoring you throughout the year, and focusing on the deatheater related stuff.

he knew, that it would risk him losing you. but he also knew that if he kept interacting with you the dark lord would eventually find out and use you as a weapon.

a weapon that would make him weak on the knees.

so, he didn't want you to be the weapon used against him. he just ignored you, stop caring about your birthday, the anniversary, and hell even the time where you passed the difficult potions test you've been talking about.

he all threw it away, in the process of making you safe.

and ofcourse, he regretted that.

he wished that he had just stuck with you, he wished he had ran away with you like you suggest once.

but, he didn't ofcourse. he had too much pride in leaving his wealth.

that pride all came down the drain, when you broke up with him.

he acted as if he didn't care which he did, alot.

you cut all ties with him, and ran off somewhere in the wizarding world. whilst draco followed what is parents ordered on what to do.

he got married to harley cunningham, of course he didnt love harley his heart belonged to you and only you.

now he's just one poor little soul, waiting and hoping for you to come back to him and have his happy ending again.

but alast, this wasn't a fairy tale this was reality.

hes forever stuck in a loveless marriage, with a son scorpius malfoy.

- • - • -

draco woke up to the noise of scorpius crying, “waaaahhh!” he groaned, he felt bad for the kid he didn't have very loving parents but draco did try his best.

draco slowly went to the nursery, lulling Scorpius back to bed.

the little malfoy yawned and went back to his slumber.

draco placed scorpius back onto his crib and went back to his bedroom.

it all seemed a normal night, but he heard a moan from harley’s room.

“mmhh! fuckk please... damian!”

that bitch had no shame fucking another man in his home, and ignoring the childs cry?!

well, the fact that harley is fucking another man is probably not shocking to him.

but this woman is really the worst one there is, she ignored her own child crying?

what a bitch.

- • - • -

draco cant take it anymore, he missed so dearly. he wants you back.

draco did everything in his power to contact you somehow, whether magic or not

he sighed heavily before dialing the number.

936 .. 558 ... 140

draco didn't expect this number to work, this was your old phone number.

but it rang.

holy shit- it rang?! so it means, the number still works.

draco anxiously tapped his foot on the ground, hoping you'd answer and mentally preparing himself also.

“hello ? ”

. . . .

draco’s ears melted and the sound through the telephone. he hadn't heard your voice in 3 years.

draco prepared himself,mentally and physically.

“hey y/n, its me draco.. i just need to come clean now. uhm- im sorry for everything that ive done to you, i knew during the war that i shouldn't push you away and just opened up to you but i didn't and i hate and i mean, physically cant stand myself for it. i miss you so much, i really cant live without you. ever since the war everything has just been difficult for me everything wasn't going as planned. my parents set me up in a marriage with some girl, and forced me to get her pregnant. but trust me, she doesn't love me and i dont love her. i only love you, and only you. my heart belongs to you forever, every single minute i think about you and you alone. i know you probably think very low of me now, but please please . take me back, i cant stand that we arent together making a family like we used to planned I'd do anything for you,please just take me back .”

. . . .

silence.

silence was all you could reply with.

draco was really scared, and rather excited for your response. would you take him back?

what felt like enternity, before you replied.

“uhm, im sorry you dialed the wrong number.”

tag list!! : @dracoslittleangel @imabee-oralizard @f4iryluvy @lilytoyourjames @siriusblackstwin @thehalfbloodedwitch @hhesperidess @bigpoppajes @dr4cosimp @blackthunder137 @pottahishotasf @slytherin-princess247 @n0agranger

[akuutaguava]

FUCKI I CANT POST ANYMORE SHIT ANYWAYS I LOVE YOU TIMBLR AND THE PEOPLE ON TUMBLR HAVE A GOOD REST OF UR DAY

SHIT IM ACTUALLY NOT GOING TO SURVIVE WITHOUT WRITING WEIRD THOUGHTS

Ahahahahaha im gonna have to rant on insta i hate life good bye

Better idea: type on this post and this post alone lets see how chaotic this gets

I am queercoding rn

IVE BEEN FEELING HUNGRY THE WHOLE DAY TODAY AND THE MOMENT I CAN EAT I DONT WANT TO WHAT KINDA FUCKERY IS THIS

actually sobs ive seen so much i want to reblog

I hate this godamn limit whatthefuck

Now people will go back to this random post and can’t see my posts popping up every two minutes

FUCK YEAH CASAVA CHIPS :D

My thoughts need to be documented even when i cant post on here

This used to be a post abt me talking abt killjng peoples dogs but who knows anymore

SOMEONE HMSSAVE ME AH

I HAVE A LOT OF ACCOUNTS THAT I NEED TO POST ON WHATTHEFUCK

SHIT THESE CASAVE CHIPS ARE SO GOOD

Bussing bussin frfr

I hate the people who made me not be able to type anything here today shie, apollo, ghoul im talking to you guys /j okay dw

Tempted to go bald and really embrace the mental illness

My mandarin caused havoc on like seven people today lmao

It got everywhere holy shit

Actually about to fucjing cry i hate nkt being able to post shit whathefuck its only been a day but WHY

Found out one of shed eerans songs is like the most famous song in the world and i actually want to end my life oml

Im going to play bsd mayoi to distract myself from this sad fate

AXTUALLY SOBBING TUMBLR CAN YOU STOP PLAYING AND JUST LET ME POST SHIT

FUCK YOU TUMBLE

just kidding haha only joking ily bbgorl

Phobic? You think im scared

Parents will be like don’t do drugs and then make you want to do them

Boutta die im talking abt liking hot evil dilfs what has my life gone to without tumblr

Physically pained

Mentally drained

JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO SNEEZE BUT I CANT I ACTUALLY HATE THIS

Gender? Isn’t that a spice?

ACTUALLY FML MY COMPUTER IS 12% IM GOING TO CRY AL MY CLASEES REQUIRE A COMPUTER TODSAY FUYCKM

yet another day with a substitute who hates my guts for no reason (she has a reason) 

im probably going to go home i feel actually so sick rn 

WHATTHEFUCK I JUST SAW A MEME MY TEACHER SHOWED US IN IT WAS SHAKESPEAR GOING “i put the lit in literature” THATS IT IM JUMOING OUT THE WINDOW 

art = are

dost = do

doth = does

'ere = before

hast = have

'tis = it is

'twas = it was

wast = were

whence = from where

wherefore = why

nay = no

twas over yonder

LMAO FUCK TOU SCHOOL I’M LEAVING

OUT OF THAT HELL HOLE :D

Actually so happy i don’t need to do science now fuck yeah

GAH I FEEL LIKE SHIT LMAO

Im pretty sure everyone thinks im skipping fuck you guys im not

THE CICADAS ARE STILL HERE FUCK

I hate the invention of long hair we should all just cut off our hair my ling hair sucks

Stopped to say hi to the ants :D

What a great lifw we would have if we were all just… orbs floating through space

Now is not a good time to be walking on a bridge over a highway

We made it off the bridge without commiting ded :D

I hate walking slow holy shit

Time to go die in my bed because i can’t really post on here anymore and that makes me sad and want to die

IHATEYOUIHATEYOU GO DIE IN A HOLE

AHIT AHIT SHIT AHIT SHIR MMY PARENTS WANT TO WATCH BUNGOU STRAY DOGS HOLU SHIT THEY WILL ACTUALLY HATE IT AND ME AND EVERYTHING AND MAKE ME SELL ALL MY MERCH HOMY SHIT IM ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE WHATTHEFUCK SOMEONE HELP

I need another post for that but tumblr is a bitch

ACTUALLY FUCK I SLEPT FOR LIKE FOUR HOURS I WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING STUDY FOR TEO TESTS HOLY SHIT AHHHHHH WHATTHEFUCK SOMEENE AHHH NI U HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO POST HERE WHATTEHECUKDS 

I WOKE UP AND I ACTUALLY FEEL SO SHIT LIKE I FEEL LIKE NOTHING MATTERS AND THERES NO POINT IN LIVING SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS HEADSPACE 

BRO THE ONLY THING THATS BEEN KEEPING ME GOING TODAY IS WAITING TILL 12 AM SO I CAN FUCKING POST SHIT I JAT THIS APP

I ALSO CANT EVEN FUCKING MAKE DRAFTS AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO UNALIVE 

dont mind those last posts, anyways three more hours until you guys get mass chaos :D goodbye for now and i’ll see you when i can actually fuckin post

[honiboyyoon]

Round One (M)

After one of his underground boxing matches gets busted by the cops, Namjoon has to make it up to his babygirl.

Paring: Namjoon x reader

Warnings: slight angst??, smut, nasty smut, degradation, spanking, daddy kink, unprotected sex, just read it 

A/N: Lithen.., Bette sent me a pic of joon in a leather jacket and I immediately thought of undergroundboxer!namjoon and him at at police station and I’m not sorry im a slut

(feed back is welcome this is only the fourth thing i’ve ever written, my first smut, and the longest thing ive written so be gentle)

also @ddaenggtan suffer <3

****

To say you were fuming would be an understatement. Going to the police station to retrieve Namjoon was not how you pictured your night going. As you stood off to the side from the receptionist, you saw your boyfriend being escorted out by an officer. As Namjoon neared you, he took note of your less-than-thrilled expression, and mentally prepared himself for the fight that was about to ensue once you two got back to your shared apartment.

“I’m assuming this one’s yours?” the officer said smugly as he walked Namjoon past the separation gate.

“Unfortunately,” you quipped back, “unless you’d like to keep him here for a few days, that would be lovely.” The tight lipped smile on your face was anything but sweet and Namjoon was already too exhausted from his broken up underground boxing match to respond.  

The officer gave an amused hum and once your idiotic boyfriend was cleared to go you spun on your heel and immediately marched out of the station, not bothering to check if said idiot was keeping pace.

“Y/N,” Namjoon began as you two got into your car, “Y/N baby I know yo-“

“Don’t even think about baby-ing me right now Namjoon” You spat, “I don’t even want to talk about this right now, I would just like to get home as soon as possible.” Namjoon nodded in response and you drove home with a white-knuckle grip on the wheel the entire ride.

Once you two made it home, you walked into the unoccupied elevator, which Namjoon took note of. As the doors closed Namjoon tried again, “Baby-“

“We’re not back home yet Joon, we still have six floors to go.”

Namjoon doesn’t think he’s ever seen you this upset at him. Sure, this may have not been the first time you had to pick him up at the police station because his underground match had gotten busted. Sure, money was tight now and paying bail was definitely not helping. And, okay sure, last time you had picked up Namjoon from the station he was bruised up pretty badly and you warned him this was the last time, but you didn’t really mean it, right?

Once the elevator reached your floor, you pulled out your keys and unlocked your apartment door. Briskly walking in, you don’t even spare your boyfriend a glance. Shutting the door, Namjoon followed closely behind you and caught your wrist.

“Alright, we’re home now, now can we talk?” Namjoon pleaded. Whipping around to face him, you mustered the most pissed off face you could, “about what Namjoon? Talk about what? The fact that you promised me, promised, that the last time would be that, the last time!” You’d be shouting if you weren’t so drained.

“I’m sorry, alright? But you know that I can’t just stop fighting” Namjoon was also drained, both physically from the fight, and mentally from bickering you two have been doing so often lately.

“And why’s that?!”

“Because I need to make money, dammit! I need to support myself, you, us.” Namjoon took a step forward, handing raising to stroke your cheek, and guilt washed over you because you knew the only reason why he fights is to have extra cash for the two of you. “I’ll always take care of my baby girl.” His voice dropped, it was deeper, huskier. The change in attitude did not go unnoticed by you, and your pouting lip doesn’t go unnoticed by Namjoon either. Bringing his nose to the shell of your ear he breathes out “Daddy’s really sorry baby girl, will you let Daddy make it up to you?” A whimpering nod is all you can manage. Namjoon brings his face in front of yours, “use your words,” “yes, Daddy.” Namjoon breaks out into a grin before his lips crash into yours. The kiss is sloppy and harsh, dominating in every way. As Namjoon winds his hands through your hair he gives a yank, forcing you to bend your head back and he takes advantage of your open neck. Roughly biting at the skin, Namjoon works his way down your neck as his other hand rubs you through your leggings. By now your a whimpering mess and your pretty sure Namjoon can feel how wet you are even through both your panties and leggings. Bringing his lips back up to your ear he tugs at your earlobe, “don’t think I forgot about how you acted at the station baby, you were being so bad. Trying to keep me locked up? That wasn’t very nice to Daddy.”

“You ruined my night because I had to bail yo-!” A quick smack to your ass had you shutting your mouth. “Want to try that again baby girl?” Namjoon was groping your ass, already riling up to deliver another blow to the soft flesh. With a shake of your head Namjoon gave your ass a light tap, “face down on the bed baby, come on.”

On shaky legs you walked into your bedroom and started stripping, Namjoon behind you the whole time palming himself over his jeans as he watched you. God you’re so beautiful he thought. Once you were completely naked you crawled up on your bed face down with your ass invitingly posed in the air. Namjoon pulled off his leather jacket and white t-shirt and threw it next to your head. Your pussy clenched at the sound of his belt coming off. Still in his jeans, Namjoon kneeled on the bed with his belt in his hand, “I know Daddy wasn’t very nice today so I won’t go too hard on you, but can you still be a good girl and count for daddy?” his hands were roaming all over your ass and God did Namjoon just want to sink his teeth into your plump little ass. “Yes Daddy I’ll be good” You whimpered, thank goodness Namjoon said he would go easy on you, you don't think you could handle waiting much longer to get stretched out by his cock.

With a soft peck to your ass cheek, Namjoon started roughly groping your ass, the anticipation of waiting for the first blow was starting to kill you, and just as you were about to voice your thought a loud smack rang throughout your bedroom as a red hot sting bloomed across your right cheek. “One,” you whimpered, by now you were just a whimpering mess and Namjoon barely touched you. He bent down to kiss the throbbing cheek, “good girl baby” Namjoon coed. It was after the tenth hit of the belt that Namjoons hands finally went lower, skimming over your folds, not daring to go near your dripping hole, and not near your aching bud, just teasingly passing over your wet slit. “Jesus baby, you’re so fucking wet huh? Your pussy is so pretty dripping all over the bed.” The praise just shooting down straight to your core. Tilting your face to kiss you Namjoon breathes out, “always such a good fucking slut for me huh baby?” Without warning he shoved two fingers inside you, “fuck, your pussy is always so wet for Daddy.” Namjoon isn’t gentle as he finger fucks you, orgasm already starting to near. “You want my cock baby? Huh? Do you want Daddy to make you cum all over his cock?” “oh my God, y-yes, yes please Daddy, please fuck me, please” Namjoon loves every single thing about you, but fuck did he ever love the way your voice got whiney and how fucked out you already looked when you’re begging for him. He quickly pushes his jeans and boxers past his thighs, his fully erect dick slapping against his abdomen, all the while his other hand is still pleasuring you. He pulls his fingers out of you to get situated behind you on the bed, and you whimper at the loss. “Shhh baby girl, I got you,” Namjoon spits into his hand and rubs it over his aching dick, “Daddy’s got you,” and you drop your head into his leather jacket as he slowly enters you, the stretch is still intense even with him prepping you. Namjoon lets out a loud groan as he slowly bottoms out, “fuck babygirl, Daddy almost forgot how tight you are” he’s biting his bottom lip now as he runs his hand messily through his hair. “Maybe its because you’re always at those stupid boxing matches” you pant. God sometimes your timing was stupidly bad. A harsh slap to your ass has you yelping. “What was that baby girl? I didn’t quite hear you,” “I didn’t say anything, please fuck me Daddy, please!” That was all Namjoon needed. Pulling almost completely out, Namjoon thrusts back into you hard. He quickly sets a brutal pace, the sounds coming from where your bodies meet is nothing but lewd and pornographic. “Holy shit, oh holy shit I love your cock Daddy, you always fuck me so good” you mewl. Namjoon delivers a sharp slap against your ass, ego now fully inflated, “you love my cock that much baby girl? You’re fucking dripping for me baby, shit”. You were already close before and your moans and whimpers are only getting louder and Namjoon knows his baby girl enough to know you’re close to cumming. Sliding a hand to your front he quickly started rubbing your clit, and you scream. “You gonna cum baby girl? Come on Daddy wants to see see you cum, you’re always so beautiful when you cum baby c’mon” as Namjoon fucks you into the bed your face is only getting more buried into his leather jacket, your senses are overwhelmed by the smell of the leather and of him. It only takes a few more thrusts and you’re cumming hard. Namjoon fucks you roughly through your orgasm, your screaming like a banshee and Namjoon loves it, he loves that he makes you this way. “fuck baby I’m close, lemme cum inside you, please baby girl, fuck you take my cock so well,” you can feel a second orgasm quickly approaching as you're begging for Namjoon to fill you up, “please Daddy, please give me your cum, I love when you cum inside me and make me your dirty little girl,” Namjoon gives a few more harsh smacks to your ass, “you love being my little cum slut huh baby girl? You love when Daddy fills you up?” “Yes, Daddy! Yes I love being your little cum slut, I love it when you give me your cum!” And with a final hard smack to your ass your cumming for a second time and Namjoon unloads into you, groaning and panting hard.

Pulling out and collapsing next you on the bed, your both silent save for your hazard breathing. You can feel his cum starting to leak out of your abused pussy as Namjoon starts tweaking your nipples and kissing down your neck once again, “c’mon baby girl that was just round one.”

Fuck.

[thejamesbondwannabe]

i’ve seen very few appreciatation posts for this fucking G right here. so ima do it my DAMN SELF.

Isaac Netero is an old man in a bad ass anime. So it goes with out saying that this dude is the EMBODIMENT OF GANGSTER.

We are first introduced to him in the first arc of the series when Gon and his friends are in the hunter exams.

One of the key moments we find out about his awesomeness is when he tempts Gon and Killua into a game where they have to take a ball away from him.

Simple right?

NO. NOT SIMPLE. They couldn’t even touch him. And it took Gon hours before he was able to make Netero use his OTHER HAND.

YES. YOU READ THAT RIGHT. NETERO WAS DODGING AN ASSASSIN AND A BOY THAT GREW UP IN THE WILD WITHOUT TOUCHING THEM.

Now, maybe he’s just a really fast old man. He can’t be that strong. I mean look how cute he is.

HAHAHAHAHA SIKE STUPID.

In the Chimera Ant arc, we see that this old ass brittle boned dinosaur takes two other skilled professional Hunters to survey the area.

At this time they are taking out squadrons and squadrons of these people killing giant insects. Surely the three of them are doing this?

NO. MY BOY NETERO IS BODYING THESE CREATURES. BY. HIM. SELF.

The hunters are simply trapping them and bringing them to him.

In this arc, we all know about Meruem aka the King and his royal guards.

This king is supposed to be the pinnicale of evolution. The strongest creature that would rule over all other life forms. He’s the strongest of the strong, the peak of the social triangle and the dude at the top of the food chain.

These dudes: Youpi, Pouf, and Pitou (in that order) are directly under him. Badass dudes. Super strong.

Getting back on track: Netero’s job was to take on the king. Everyone else that was there; Gon, Killua, Knuckle, Shoot, Morel and Knov, were meant to separate the guards and the King.

They succeeded for the most part and Netero went to go take on the being that was supposed to be the greatest creature of all time.

He boxed with him fr. Went toe to toe with the king. And he was doing a great fucking job. He was slapping the king around like a ℬℐ𝒯𝒞ℋ. Granted it wasn’t doing much damage but he was doing it.

At some point Meruem took off his leg and sat down, thinking surely this old ass dude would give up because he would bleed to death if not.

SIKE. MY DUDE NETERO WAS LIKE IM NOT DONE IN FACT IVE ONLY JUST BEGONE. AND BOOM.

HE SLAPPED HIS LEG AND MADE IT

STOP

BLEEDING.

THATS THE EPITOME OF GANGSTER. After he stops his leg from bleeding they fight a little more. My dude gets his arm ripped off.

Now, Netero’s fighting supposedly requires him to place his hands together at the center of his chest in a prayer stance. WHICH ALSO MEANS HES BEEN FIGHTING THE FASTEST THING ALIVE BY PRAYING BEFORE HIS EVERY MOVE.

Now certainly, he can’t fight because he can’t pray. And again you’d be wrong. Netero hits us with some bomb ass philosophical shit before breaking out his ultimate.

Unfortunately, his ultimate only damaged the king and his ultimate move drained whatever life force he had left. Now surely he’s done. He’s as good as dead. He failed.

AND AGAIN YOUD BE WRONG. DONT UNDERESTIMATE MY BOY!

My dude kills him self. (RIP Netero 😔) AND IT SETS OFF A BOMB IN HIS BODY!!!! And for the first time the king is like shitting his fucking pants cause holy shit Netero is fucking scary.

HE BLOWS HIMSELF UP AND THE KING TO A FUCKING CRISP. HE BURNT THIS DUDE INTO BUG BACON MY GUY. BUT NOT ONLY DID HE BLOW UP EVERYTHING BUT THAT SHIT BLEW UP IN THE SHAPE OF A ROSEEEEEE SHIT WAS EXQUISITE

Unfortunately, his 2 bumsss guards give away their power and are able to bring the king back to life even stronger than before. 😤 Bum ass fucking dudes. Which means not only did the other hunters fail to distract the guards, but that in hindsight means Netero failed too, right?

Do i even have to say it?

My boy Netero thought way ahead. He planned all this shit out. THE BOMB WAS POISONOUS.

SO NOT ONLY DID HE DEFEAT THE KING ONCE, NOT ONLY DID THE POISON FROM THE BOMB KILL TWO OF HIS ROYAL GUARDS, BUT NETERO ALSO POISONED KING 2.0 WHICH WAS STRONGER THAN THE KING BEFORE!!

Intelligence? Untouched. Form? Fucking immaculate my guy. Grace? Like non other.

And the cutest motherfucker on this show.

Netero did more than what he was supposed to. And even in death my guy fucked shit up.

He is beauty.

He is grace.

But most importantly: His 100- Type Guanyin Bodhisattva will bitch slap you in the fucking face.

He’s one of the most badass motherfuckers in all of anime.

Respect to him and his ultimate fucking drip.

Stop sleeping on my boy. He deserves everything.

[trislosherfan25]

Radiohead Fun Facts <3

Fun fact about Radiohead: I know none of the names of the guys and i only know what the one singer guy’s face looks like bc i saw it once somewhere

Fun fact 2: I should probably learn about the individual guys but I don’t because I dont really care that much

Fun fact 3: i should learn abt the bassist tho bc im a bassist and he’s a pretty good bassist so maybe i could learn a thing or two (like this guy is a REALLY good bassist)

OKAY NOW IM GONNA TALK ABT THE ALBUMS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER BUT ONLY THE ONES IVE LISTNED TO

Pablo Honey (1993) - this one is Radiohead's first album and tbh it’s not very good. even if you don’t listen to this band or care about them you probably know the song Creep which is on there. tbh that’s probably the best song on the album and the Radiohead guys themselves don’t even like it that much. They were like “Creep? more like Crap!” (tbh the song isn’t *that* bad, just nowhere near as good as their later music) I’ve tried to get through this album a couple times but i could never do it bc it’s just not that good!!! It seems like it was riding off the grunge wave that was really popular at the time. This means not only did the album not have that much of an original sound but also there were tons of other bands doing this sort of thing and doing it better. Creep is probably the song that has the most unique sound compared to the rest of that album. Also grunge (while more of an era than a genre) is mostly known for who it was sparked by, Nirvana, and Nirvana is punk rock through and through. The Radiohead guys are way to big of nerds to do punk rock. The Bends (1995) - this is Radiohead’s second album and I like this one a lot. It bares some similarities to Pablo Honey in terms of keeping with a little bit more of a rock sound but it doesn’t feel like it’s trying to copy anybody. The lyrics on this album are WAYYYYY better. Like a vast vast improvement. The guitar solos are much better too. The most popular songs on this album I’d say are High and Dry as well as Fake Plastic Trees, these also are probably my least favorite songs on the album because they’re slower and I don’t like the vocals in them as much as other songs. My favorite songs from this album are Just, My Iron Lung, and (Nice Dream), these ones all have more of a rock element than the ones I mentioned previously and the instrumental parts are So Good! Even though I think this album is a vast improvement from the first it still doesn’t completely have it’s own unique sound just yet. I don’t see that as much as a hinderance on this album, just something that puts it below some of the later albums.  OK Computer (1997) - THIS ALBUM! This is the album where Radiohead really comes into their own sound, it still has that rock element but it feels different. All the little details and textures in their sound come together in this great album and puts Radiohead on a clear track for where the rest of their sound ends up in later albums. This album seems to be *The* Radiohead album that most people would know them for beyond knowing them for the song Creep. This album also is pretty special/nostalgic to me because it was the first Radiohead album I listened to. Deadass I spent most of my middle school years listening to that album on and old hand-me-down mp3 player my dad gave me that just had his old music saved to it. I don’t know if i have a least favorite song on the album, all the songs on this album are really good if I’m being honest. If I had to pick a few favorites I’d say they would be Exit Music (For A Film) and Paranoid Android, I like these songs because they feel like they’ve got a lot of story to them just shown through the instrumentals and everything. Also fun fact! I know the bass part to Paranoid Android, it’s still difficult at some parts for me to play but I still love it.  Kid A (2000) - Okay ngl I still haven’t given this one a good listen just yet. I’ve listened to the thing in full maybe once or twice but I don’t remember it well. I have listened to the songs Everything In Its Right Place and How to Disappear Completely quite a few times tho and these songs are amazing. From what I’ve heard from this album/remember from it it seems like a pretty logical next step sound wise from the last album going into the next one. It’s not completely different from OK Computer but it’s definitely it’s own unique thing. The songs on this album are a bit more depressing and more of them seem to be slower and more experimental. You also see a stronger ambient element enter Radiohead’s music here. Amnesiac (2001) - DREAD!! DEVESTATION!!!! This album is really good, I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite album but by god it is a good fuckin album. I’ve listened to this one in full quite a few times in full but it’s been a while since I’ve done that (I’ve just been listening to a song or two from it every so often) because when I first gave this album a full listen I was at a pretty low place. This album has the strongest ambient element Radiohead’s music has had so far, the sound is slower, darker, and heavier. It feels like you’re sitting in the cold rain just soaking wet and not moving at all. The songs are even more depressing too tbh. Once again I don’t have a least favorite song on this album, at least not one that I can remember. My favorite songs would probably be Knives Out, I Might Be Wrong, and You And Whose Army? Top 10 bangers to listen to while absolutely falling apart imo 10/10

Hail To the Thief (2003) - This album is also really good, I actually own this one on vinyl. This album sees that distorted rock element come back a little but this album does have some of the ambient vibe to it as well. It feels a bit more experimental and emotions wise it feels angrier than other albums, not in a punk rock kind of way but just in feeling. I think this album starts to have some crazier rhythms, I’m not sure how to describe it. It feels more advanced than some of their previous music. Some of the songs on this album I’m not the biggest fan of but they’re still good songs it’s just some of the other songs on this album really outshine some others. My favorites from this album are 2 + 2 = 5, Backdrifts, There, There, and Myxomatosis. If I’m being honest while I do like this album a lot I don’t have too many strong feelings about it.

In Rainbows (2007) - OH MY GOD!!! THIS ALBUM!! OH MY GOD!! I love it so much it’s so beautiful. It really encompasses everything I love about Radiohead it’s almost hard to describe. The rhythms are hypnotic, the lyrics are great, the vocals are stellar, the instrumentals- just oh my god I love it to death. I own this one of vinyl and it puts me in a trance whenever I listen to it. There are different emotions in each song on this album but it never falters. It reminds me of something my dad said once where we were listening to a song and he said “just ride the wave” - this is that type of music, the kind of music where you just sit back and ride the wave. I love every single song on this album but Weird Fishes/Arpeggi and Jigsaw Falling Into Place are my top picks for this album. I’ve been working on learning the bass part to Jigsaw Falling Into Place and while I’m not musically literate enough to express exactly what’s happening in this song because I’m not a fucking nerd but I can say that playing this song is like riding the wave, it’s not exact or repetitive but it moves and flows perfectly with the song. Learning music like this as a bassist has taught me to think differently about my own playing. It’s hard for me to pick a favorite Radiohead album for many reasons but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose one I’d say this one is it. 

A Moon Shaped Pool (2016) - There’s a big time skip here because I haven’t listened to The King of Limbs which came out in 2011 but the sound of this album is definitely something that seems like a more evolved version of what Radiohead did on In Rainbows. Holy shit though, this album. THIS ALBUM. This album fucking knocks it out of the park it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever listened to. A lot of people like to say this is Radiohead’s most depressing album, they’re wrong, I can’t speak to albums I haven’t listened to but I can say that Amnesiac is much more depressing than this album. I would call this Radiohead’s saddest album, it has that feeling to it but it’s not draining to listen to in the way that depressing music can be. While the album is sad it also brings me a feeling of peace when I listen to it (though this could be in part because of the associations I have with this album from the first time I listened to it). While In Rainbows is like riding the wave I’d say this album is like floating in dark water, its got that sense of flow while being more gentle about it. The first song on the album, Burn the Witch, doesn’t seem to fit in perfectly with the rest of the music but it’s not a completely jarring difference from the rest of the songs either so I don’t see it as any sort of hindrance on the quality of the album. Once again I love every song on this album, they’re all beautiful and ethereal, but my top picks would have to be Decks Dark and Present Tense. One of my most favorite things about this album is how every song seems to flow into the next, it really is the sort of album that’s meant to be listened to in order and as an entire piece of art. I really appreciate albums that do that sort of thing.

Alright those are my Radiohead thoughts for the time being. I haven’t listened to In Rainbows (Disk 2) or The King of Limbs in full, I haven’t really listened to Kid A much either but I figured it was important to mention anyway bc people talk about that one so much. I also didn’t mention any singles or EPs just bc I haven’t listened to all of them and didn’t feel like talking abt the ones I have listened to. 

IF YOU READ THIS FAR WE CAN MAKEOUT!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR READING!!!

[randomliven]

Warning extra long post

COMPLETE EPISODE SPOILER

Ep3. Holy Ghost

My fav ep

Edit: adding rewatch x2

*Opening at Uncs funeral. Leti is just numb.

*1955

*3people broke in

*white people always watching

*Leti owe Ruby money

(Tho leti didnt tell Ruby where the money came from, in ep 1 she said she wanted a house for them)

*our house

* riot after negro couple moves in

13rooms. Safe haven

*Im about to apply to marshal fields again, i need to perfect my resume

* Could be a chance for us to bond as sister

* im taking the biggest room

*Has an elevator

*Almost decapitates her

*Hyp starts to rip uncs fav book

Just numb

*Dee almost sets up her dads place mat

*Hyp flips the 2nd cup back down like unc did

*Its been weeks

*Tic Checks on drunk daddy

*He sees the count book next to moms pic

* tic "I got ya kid" throws water on montrose face.

Ive heard about it so much, i even dreamed i was there with you.

LOOK AT MONTROSE FACE

Unc always told the story of the mysterious stranger

(Tic did kno about the story) (tho rose never told the story, tic already knew it)

*yellow

Is rose just a drunk or does he drink for a reason

*They lied to hyp

*White folk got magic on they side Too

* hippolyta cant do shit

*Tic reacts to roses anger

*Colored elevator repair men are hard to find

*Baldwin

The lady in the room who says dance studio (she prob somebody)

*Moving in on a sunday while everyone at church

*hit the numbers

*Three weeks after uncs funeral

*Tic going back to florida

"Told my boss i i would be gone a couple days, that was a month ago"

(Tic DID HAVE a JOB)

*The white folk starts the horns (the three

*Police just pass by like they see nothing

(Sooo that shit didnt irritate the other white neighbors who had to also deal with it)

A whole nother day with the horns

Them hands. That face. Who ever did that application

*Black granny...

We fear them but they are warning us

*The boiler over heating

*Black folk dont go exploring thumps in the basement

*Bare traps. Bird cage. Anatomy doll

Leti brave as Fuc, watching that thing bump

*calls tic

I believe you but i say its the neighbors

(Panic room) cant hear anything. Theres also a drain.

Same tactics used in north korea.

Micheal "he go by Martin now"

He was dating. White woman, made him marry a colored one.

Ruby in red.. (Christina in red)

Black folk love to feed the depressed

Unc always left the cups down

Just being foolish

Black folk dont play with oojuie board

" will i have a good trip" "no"

George is dead

Hyp hears whispers from the oracial

Tree lies about being with leti

Tic being staying rent free

Bruh you was about to leave

"Is you or is you aint my baby"

Them nostrils flaring

"Jus wanted to feel something"

Lost her virginity during a party on the bathroom sink

Leti cries.

"If more colored folk thought like me"

Burning a cross in the yard

*Leti is Over It All

*Black men unite and protect

*Sirens

*Throws the bat

*Ruby knows to take the guns

*Cover leti

*Drop to they knees

*Lancaster takes leti

Got all these complaints from the neighbor

But none from leti. 21 times

*Lancaster starts to ask about what leti knows about the house, cuz he knows its background.

*Start throwing her around the car

We found the body parts of 8 nigg buried in the basement.

Leti puts the pieces together

White demon

Sees the connection

Installment contact

Still got some of the money mama left

Least mama didnt pretend

"Look out for leti first "

Thought you were a fuck up but really you were just qfucked up

Hyp got a womans intuition

Leti connects the dots

Tic like ok

Experimenting on humans

Lancaster kidnapping black folk for Epstein

(Love how they believed)

I needed to feel something

Monsters. Spells. Georges death. I died too.

Stake my claim in it

The white folk always watching

Black folk can use magic too

Protect yo house

Mama was a hustler who believed in during her research

White boys breaking in

White boys go into the room where the oracial was

Chanting in Creole

Fuc yo protection

Possession

Just EVERYTHING about the scene

YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET

Together we ARE STRONG

(JOURNEE did that)

Leti gives Ruby the recognition of inspiration

"Have you heard about your three neighbors who have went missing?"

The fresh bodies in the tunnel... Plenty bones

Does leti know or naw?

Tic seeing Xtina at the realtor..

Realizes tina is behind it all.

Tina looks kinda nervous

(I dont think she has the mark of caine yet)

Invulnerability.

The language of adam "ability to name"

(Did he plan to like shoot her for real)

Power play (opening the window)

Wanna kno more just call

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE SEVEN

“I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING.” - joey

HOH: Nathan UPSIDE DOWN: Emma NOMINEES: Jev & Kiki POV: Joshua FINAL NOMINEES: Josh C & Kiki EVICTED: Josh C (6-0)

ARIA

So,,,i highkey fucked up but all good things come to an end, I couldn't play the middle forever but the way it ended was just a little earlier than i expected. Also i handled the backlash of the dpov HORRIBLY! I did so many things wrong this week its insane even though i was on all day calling people i still fucked up,,,but its fine nothing i can really do to change that. But from here i want to fix things and do better, which does start with addressing where I fucked up so lets start with that woot woot (also holy shit that double was so draining this is the first time ive felt legitimately tired in a while and its only 1 am) 

1. COMP FLOPS

-literally all my allies flopped on the comps when we REALLY needed to win and its even worse combined with the information I was told where people told me they were throwing just to do well instead- its clear they weren't being honest with me and I settled into their lies without an ounce of hesitation 

2. LACK OF KNOWLEDGE

I just really settled certain things poorly leading up to this night, i think somewhere i majorly fucked up is with emma, if i was able to get her to vote out nick or get jacob to dpov someone she would vote out i would be in a much better position atm but i didn't and therefore ive exposed myself. And if i was able to receive knowledge of her rose gold dpov before hand i couldve worked out a new plan that way

3. DAMAGE CONTROL

This is where i **truly** fucked up and its gonna show in my jury management too, like theres NO way i could ever get nicks vote at this point in time. Also my gut instinct after the vote was to lie about the way i voted to kiki/joshua/nick/jev when i shouldve came clean and used a bullshit excuse about how i heard nick was after me or something. It's gonna damage my relationships with all of them

SO wabam here i am slightly fucked due to me being a mess but its okay!! I'm still in the game and while im not in as good as a position as I was last time im still certain i can get back into everyones good graces!! And i mean this vote did reveal that a lot of people consider me to be in a duo with them??? which um is kinda weird HBFSHDF Like joey and emma were both calling us duo of the season and i was like....k cute cool totally called that and knew we were a duo yup yup- FBHJDSBF LMAO but i mean in terms of my own position you have the two trios (jacob/bri/nathan and jev/kiki/joshua) who are going to go after each other with Josh C and Emma leaning toward jev/kiki/joshua while me and joey lean towards jacob/bri/nathan. Its crazy that its literally f10 and its five versus five with hardly any true middle player (for now wink wonk) 

But now that nick is out I need to think about whats next and whats my next big move. I think rn im involved with a lot of moves but im not the face of them (bri using pov on nathan, jacob dpoving bri) and such but if i want to win I have to make a move of my own and DEF need to work on jury management bc again nick is gonna hate my guts after reading my gbm,,,as yousef would say "oopsie whoopsie" so I think from here I need to get back in jev/kiki/joshua's good graces SOME how and im really tempted to come clean about my vote bc i think thats going to hurt me in the long run and theres literally already an alliance of all five of that side so like....whats the point of sewing mistrust but also, i do kinda want to try just being a dirty crime snake this game and seeing how much control I truly have on this game. Literally EVERYONE except those three knows my true vote and i've told them all to keep it to themselves so we'll see what happens,,,, im kinda tempted to pin the vote on emma just for funsies and tell them that "jacob told me hes close to emma" or some bs like that but also,,,thats kinda mean yknow? Its also a testament to test how much that trio trusts me which im GUESSING is less than emma but who knows maybe ill get lucky :DD 

Anyways in terms of moving on I really need someone who actually likes me to join jury so its not completely set against me the whole time but also im not sure how thats gonna go down ugh. I mean in terms of end game my options are starting to become limited because nathan/bri/jacob would all BODY me at the end bc at this point they've been the face of big moves and I hope my big move can be turning on one of them and getting them out at some point so when i really start to look at a realistic f2 I can win,,, im kinda leaning toward my new duos of emma or joey which is kinda a shocker to me too lemme tell u HFBSDF but joey's perception of the game seems,,,,messy and I think i can beat him while emma is def doing better but she hasnt snapped yet so i think i can maybe beat her. And then jev/joshua/kiki depends im not sure yet but the thing with them is none of them are gonna want to bring me to the end which is super frustrating (i mean i did just snake em so,,,maybe its deserved) 

The thing is that I like being honest about my vote so trying to have an honest game convo with any of those three is gonna be really hard,,,,esp considering they were all my targets for live night but here we are :') And i really dont know what to do at this point which is really annoyinggg (annoying @ myself theyre all lovely) I think im gonna have to wait a bit before i can try getting them all to fully trust me rn i dont know this has been such a mess but im doing my best!! Before i end this probably poorly aging paragraph its trust ranking time

1.myself (FUCK, and i cant stress this enough, EVERYONE)

HUGE GAP

2.Brianna (shes slowly becoming more stuck in jacob's trap but i do still think shes loyal to me, god IS a woman!!!)

3.Jacob (hate having this man so high bc hes bodying this game but he tells me a lot ig :/ )

ANOTHER GAP

4. Nathan (we need to call and discuss live night but he isnt going to like nominate me or anything)

5.Joey (apparently we're a f2?? not sure where that happened but also hes cagey idk)

-smol gap-

6.Josh C (told me his alliance!! shame he doesnt know im gonna rat him out to my side teehee)

7.Emma (we're also a duo?? almost forgot about that but i fucked her over here a bit but i can build the trust back up i THINK)

anothe gap

8.Jev (he talked to me after live night and didnt ask about my vote so thats cute....not sure where we stand...help)

9.Kiki (we talked briefly after the vote but idk if they realized im a snake yet)

10.Joshua (the silence is deafening) 

Not happy w/ my position yet and im likely to just come clean to joshua in a call tmrow because hes honestly really sweet and his friendship means a lot to me but i need to figure out how I leave me connection with jacob/bri out of it.. ill think of something

praying im not the most hated here but if i am it wouldnt be the first time ig, and thats on pewiod <3

JOEY

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING. Not a damn soul is coming after me, and more importantly, I have numbers on my side, and no one’s gonna be pissed off at me on BOTH sides of the house. People say Josh C is playing both sides? Nah, it’s me. I need him out because I’m trying to ride that middle man status. My ideal plan is to see Emma go home next week, so that way I ain’t responsible. I want to get rid of Jacob at Final 7, and I will damn sure make that happen. Aria and I have a Final 2 that I plan on sticking to. Seeing Nick go was sad, but good lord it was I-C-O-N-I-C.

EMMA

Everything in this game lately has honestly pissed me off first it was me getting blindsided during live night even though i didnt really want to vote nathan if i was being honest i wanted brianna out over nathan because i thought nathan would be more easier to work with them boom Dpov and boom nick going i am like a little unsure if i regret using the dpov or not i do regret it well because nathan won hoh and sent me to the upside down and nick probably wouldnt try super hard for hoh but then again it seemed my so called allies were probably more closer to nick but i am not even sure my so called low confidence is my weakness in my games but i dont know how to be more confident pretty sure everyone beats me in the end at this point unless if i win an hoh if i do at this point Jacob/Brianna/even nathan getting nominated i didnt want nathan out before like if i won hoh i would of put him to the upside straight up nominate brianna and jacob if one of them goes off the block joey gets put up as a pawn after the upside down week im gonna do whatever to make it to the end idc if i go to the end with somebody i cant beat i just want to make this game enjoyable for me as i can i dont want to float for awhile then bring a goat to the end NNN 

EMMA

my shit list  in order to who i target to who isnt on my rader

Jacob > Nathan > Brianna > Joshua = Aria > Jev > Kiki/Josh C > Joey

who i like most to who is most annoying to play on a game level (i dont really hate or dislike anyone on a personal level)

Aria > Jev > Joshua *tiny gap*  Nathan > Kiki/Josh C >>>>>>>>>>> Jacob > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Joey = brianna also joey would be higher but he lied to me for no reason even tho i didnt mind putting alot of trust in me and i love brianna on a personal level but girl i am not good socially with her which is my fault and her fault also jacob kinda assumed stuff about me like not big stuff like meta  but he still told other people except me (people who are out who i love)  Gina/Jakey > Saira=Nick=Monty=Mo *small gap* Nash >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> dog shit > Taylers dinner (dylan and the og homies know it) >>>>>>>>>>>> DEM

but yeah this game has made me happy because everyone is nice except dem but its been hard to play it because if i felt better i think i would of been playing a 100x times better game

JEV

So I'm safe but it comes at the cost of one of my two favourite people in this game. I've arguably grown closest to Josh C throughout this game, but I promised Joshua that if he saved me with veto I'd vote however he wanted and he wants Josh C to leave over Kiki. This week is me and Nash as final noms levels of ugly.

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szNaW65lCJ0&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=8&t=0s

[br0kenbutterfly]

15/5/2017

So its 2am, its fucking freezing cold, but I have to write this because if I dont, itll be just like all the other stuff I look back on and wish I had some recollection of how I felt. Like all my childhood diaries that I started. Or the abandoned derby tumblr thats still lurking somewhere. Anyway.

I had my initial appointment with a surgeon today about weight loss surgery. I’ve been thinking about surgery since about 2013, and seriously for the last 9 months or so. I’ve talked to several people who have had various surgeries (including mum, my friend and a friend of my aunts), and done my research. Ive discussed this with my (awesome amazing wonderful) GP, and our work counsellor Ann-Marie, who are both incredibly supportive. I’m paying for this surgery privately, which cuts hugely into the savings Ive accumulated since I was 15 for a house, but I can wait for a house. Every year I don't do this is a year Im kinda wasting my youth on being huge and not happy and making excuses for not doing things Id like to do. Not that Im unhappy all the time, but my weight is a safety blanket, kinda like my depression was my safety blanket for not leaving oamaru. I just dont wanna wait until Im accepted into public surgery (which Ive been on the list for since 2013) because at that point Ill probably be in my 50s and have so many health issues. Like for goodness sake, im 26 and I have pre-diabetes, polycystic ovaries that mean im probs infertile, a perpetually sore back that means i cant walk for more than a block without having to stop, my knees and ankles give out randomly. Anyway. Im rambling. 

My appointment was with Dr Flint, who I chose because thats who my friend had surgery with (and because the other guy was the one who did my consult for public surgery and he was a right royal douche). He was lovely, and explained both procedures (roux-en-y and gastric sleeve) really well. Im going to have a gastric sleeve, because the ongoing risk of complications like IBS and hernias are smaller (and because you dont have to be on vitamins for life and my god i hate taking meds). He weighed me - ive put on like 5kg since i last weighed myself (fuck) but to be fair i did have my docs on. So my offical starting weight is 157.8kg, which is a terrifying number and also this is probably the first time ive admitted my weight to anyone who isnt a medical professional in a long long time holy shit. Apparently if everything goes well i should be around 95kg afterwards (like 2 years away).

After I went through everything with the surgeon, I saw his nurse? receptionist? general fucking awesome person Denise. Shes so lovely. She talked me through the appointments I need to have next (which tbh is part of the reason I want to to it privately, because i know its not just about the surgery, its about learning to live as a smaller person, and i fucking dont know how to eat properly, and id really like to do some exercises that dont hurt my damn back all the time). So I have to see the dietician, and an exercise consultant, and a psychiatrist, and then back to the surgeon for pre-op appt. My surgery is scheduled for the 11th July, which means Ill be on preop diet from like, the 13th June I think? I might buy some optifast and try it for some breakfasts first. Im so not looking forward to that bit.

Then because I was like, nervous as fuck after my appointment, I went and cuddled ellas tiny humans and then talked to laura and watched sense8. 

My biggest fears at the moment are:

-me fucking this up. like what if i cat do it, if my willpower is awful, and i screw it up and throw $20k down the drain. How shit will I feel about myself if the surgery doesnt work, because theres not really any more drastic options. what if i put all the weight back on like my uncle, or drink frozen coke and dont eat protein like my mum

-mum. i havent told her yet....im telling her tomorrow. im worried shes gunna be weird about it. not in a “you shouldnt have the surgery” kinda of way, im worried she will want to know how much i weigh, and give me well meaning comments about how i shouldnt be eating this or that, or go the other way and want to have a massive blowout before i start optifast. 

-who do i tell? apart from the internel lol (im guessing only like 3 people i know in real life will read this). do i tell my dad? i should but again, im so worried about what he’ll think, how he’ll judge me. 

-i think in general im so used to the comments about my weight that im really caught up with it as part of my identity? Like I hate all the health and fitness ads because it just reminds me of me not being fit and healthy, but i wonder if some part of me likes being fat to be a rebel, because some weird part of me feels like im failing by conforming to societys (and my dads) wishes about how i look and act. idk. 

- hahahahahh optifast. ive heard it tastes awful and i have 6 weeks of it, then purees (goodie), then soft food. also imma have to eat veggies. fuck.

I’m excited about:

-being able to maybe actually skate well?! being able to do general things like run after izzy or go for a bike ride with people without being like yeah nah i cant do that because it hurts. itd be nice to walk up the stairs without looking like ive run a half marathon. id be nice to walk to work without my back cramping up so bad i have to stop and stretch it several times. 

-im kinda looking forward to meeting with the exercise person. I see a lot of people in the #GRRLarmy and stuff and I want to be strong, but I am terrified of the gym and im really hoping shell be able to help and be a good motivation

-the dietician will be good to because lord knows im terrible at cooking for myself no matter how many well meaning people try and teach me. i just wish i didnt have to eat. 

-possibly having lower food bills - currently i spend like a quarter of my income on food which is ridiculous and i dont know how to stop.

Right so that was a novel. Now its 3am and i have to go talk to my boss and ask her for time off for 5 preop appointments in the next 6 weeks, as well as hi im going to need 2 weeks off work lololol. Oh, and tell my mum im having major surgery in 6 weeks and i didnt tell her i had an appointment to talk about it. whoops. wish me luck x