#i have problems with commas so i need someone to control me lol

[casismybumblebee]

I Want to Break Free Chapter 3

Sorry, but it’s basically all filler. But next chapter we meet Castiel! 

Chapters 1, 2 ; Character Page ; About the World

Birds chirping irritatingly close to his window is what him up the next morning. The sun slanting through the blinds across from his face made the dancing dust motes visible as Dean sat and stretched, popping his neck and wincing when his movement made his nose twinge.

Sam’s house had a nice guest room, Dean had to admit. The walls were a dusty light green, like the color fresh-cut grass trimmings were. The bed, a queen, had a thick white down comforter and more pillows than strictly necessary. And the air smelled faintly like ink, like brother, mixed with the harsh scent of cleaning chemicals.

Today he would have to deal with the fallout of last night. Would Bobby and Charlie forgive him? The possibility that they wouldn’t had Dean hiccuping and crying quietly, staring out the window uncomprehensively and choking on his sobs. His nose throbbed from the crying but Dean knew he deserved it, deserved the bruises and aches too.

A knock on the door sent Dean scrambling to clean himself up, wiping his eyes and hoping the sadness had vanished from his scent. “Come in, Sam,” he called tiredly. But when his giant brother entered the smell of Alpha sent his brain into a panic. It seemed to chant unsafeunsafeunsafe and it made Dean back away, the bed knocking his knees out and he causing him to fall onto the fluffy mattress with a distressed whine.

Sam, bless him, froze immediately and put his hands up. “Dean,” he whispered, voice practically oozing peace and serenity and family, “it’s just me.”

The fog of fear eased slightly and Dean took a deep breath, shaking so hard his teeth chattered, “Sam. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Dean. I’m going to close the door but I’ll meet you downstairs for breakfast if you want?” Without waiting for an answer Sam gently closed the door.

Dean sat up and took a deep breath, taking in the ink and leather of his brother and trying to clear his head. He was safe. Alastair wasn’t here. And Dean needed to be strong. Eyeing a neatly folded change of clothes, Dean stood and robotically dressed, hardly noticing that Sam had brought his favorite AC/DC shirt and worn stonewashed jeans with a hole in the left knee. Even that bitchin’ outfit couldn’t really crush down Dean’s anxiety. He sat on the bed when he was done and stared at the door, he was able to notice a scrap that revealed a weird yellow paint underneath the white. And there was a ding in the wood by the soft tan carpet that revealed the dark color of wood the door had originally been. The minutes ticked by and his manic microanalysis of the door started feeling ridiculous, even to him. So he stood and walked out of the room, back straight, and his best don’t-fuck-with-me face plastered on his features.

Downstairs Sam bustled around his brightly lit kitchen with a light blue apron on and a look of immense pain on his face. Seated at the breakfast bar were Charlie and Bobby, each with cups on coffee, and twin carefully uninterested looks on their faces. Dean sighed and treaded from the stairs and to the kitchen with a petulant air about him. He stopped before his family and crossed his arms, waiting.

Charlie looked at him first. The red-headed Alpha only managed a quick glance before she squeaked and leaped up, looking ready to launch herself at him. At the last second she stopped and instead fluttered around him, “oh Dean!”

That made Bobby look up. Just a quick flick of his eyes and he was grunting and glaring at the marble countertop like it was to blame, “you okay, boy?”

Sam, for his part, was busily burning pancakes and trying to keep his long hair from being incinerated by the flames from his stove. When Bobby spoke Sam signed softly and twisted the knob on the stove to the ‘off’ position, instead grabbing frozen waffles and popping them into his toaster.

Dean’s chest tightened and he stepped away from Charlie. The Alpha seemed hurt for a moment before understanding flared in her eyes and she retreated to the other end of the kitchen, back to her seat. He felt horrible about the pained look she gave him and mumbled, “sorry, Charlie. I’m just-”

“Don’t apologize to me,” she said in a rush, her usual pleasant voice now colored with concern. “I wasn’t thinking. How are you? You nose looks...um, on the mend.”

Dean shrugged, “s’okay, I guess. Doesn’t hurt. I’m good, I’m just sorry I went and got myself attacked.”

The sudden scrape of a chair made Dean jump, eyes trained on Bobby as the older man stood abruptly. “It ain’t your fault, ya idjit. That man is to blame. You should walk where you please.”

Really Dean shouldn’t have been surprised about their reaction. Other than John his family had never shown anything but understanding and love towards him. Of course, he’d also never been the victim of an attempted rape before, so perhaps he couldn’t have really known.

Still, there was no anger in their scents and Dean felt himself relax completely. They wouldn’t hurt him or cast him out. His fear of them seemed to evaporate and he took a seat in the barstool on the end of the counter. “Thanks, you guys.” Charlie grinned, Bobby sat back down with a huff, and Sam slid a plate of unappetizing toaster waffles to him with a sheepish smile. He really was lucky to have them.

Charlie, with her coffee and white chocolate scent, was perhaps the most un-Alpha Alpha there had ever been. There was never any aggression from her and she was a bigger nerd than he was. Just as much as his wardrobe comprised of band t-shirts, her’s had graphic tees of just about any show, movie, or book in existence. Today, he noticed, she’d warn her Harry Potter shirt. It was his favorite because they’d both been sorted into Slytherin together from a quiz online and she’d immediately ordered over a hundred bucks in Slytherin gear, including two matching shirts for the two of them. He grinned at her and she smiled back, taking her own plate of waffles from Sam unenthusiastically.

“Boy,” Bobby began, clearing his throat, “I was thinking about giving you some time off at the shop. Give you a chance to catch up in school and maybe relax some.”

“What? Bobby, no! I’ve gotta work, what about rent?”

“I ain’t going to let you go broke,” the older Beta barked, “it’ll be a paid leave. You can make up the hours later if you want.”

Sam interrupted diplomatically, handing a final plate of waffles to Bobby, “it might be a good idea, just until your nose heals up a little and you can be around Alphas again.”

It was a blunt statement but it got the point across to Dean. He sighed and bit into this waffle to stall the conversation, chewing slowly. “Alright,” he grumbled finally, “alright. But just until I can be around Alphas again.”

Bobby nodded in agreement, sliding his plate of waffles back to Sam without touching them, “you eat ‘em, son. I’m not touching your sad little waffles.”

Sam laughed and snatched the plate up, seemingly unbothered by the unpleasant packaged taste of his Eggos. Dean studied Bobby, trying to see if he really meant what he said about coming back to work. Bobby Singer was like his father, better even, because John Winchester had been about the worst father in the world to him and Sam. Only the presence of Bobby had helped shape the boys into something more than their father, something healthier. His engine grease and sour milk scent went unchanged from what it had transitioned to after the death of his wife, Karen Singer. The boys had grown up with Bobby’s scent and the sour milk went almost completely unnoticed now. But Dean never stopped hoping to smell it switched back to its previous fragrance.

Sour milk scent accompanied the break of a scent bond, usually in death, as in Karen and Bobby’s case. If they’d been a regular couple Bobby’s sour scent likely would have faded as he moved on from the relationship. But Karen and Bobby had been soul bonded, basically soul mates, and that made it harder to move on. In all the years since Karen died, Bobby’s scent had never changed back. And it might never. John Winchester had smelled of sour milk too, though Dean wonders if the anger had kept the scent there instead of soul bonding.

He chewed his gross breakfast and let his mind wonder along it’s own path, content to just watch his family without really seeing anything. He watched Charlie slide chunks of waffle into a napkin without eating them and Sam wolf his down without seeming to care about the flavor. Watched Bobby looking just as checked out as he was.

When breakfast was done and the dishes washed, the family took their leave. Sam was off to teach his law studies class, which reminded Dean he needed to email professors about missing school today, Charlie had a brunch date, and Bobby went to open up the shop. One-by-one, his family embraced him or clapped him on the shoulder, and departed Sam’s house.

The sudden stillness was slightly unnerving to Dean. It took him about five minutes of tiptoeing around the house to know he wouldn’t be able to spend the whole day here. But the thought of going outside alone made him just as jumpy. In the end, the doorbell saved him.

Cautiously, he went to answer his brother’s door. Peering through the peephole he caught a glimpse of a man with medium length light brown hair and crisp brown eyes, like whisky with ice in it. Dean swung the door open and regarded Gabriel warily. “Hey there, Gabe.”

If Gabriel objected to the nickname he didn’t show it, instead smiling brightly, “Dean-o! I’m glad to see you up and about, your nose even looks better!”

“Thanks,” he replied uncertainly, “why are you here? Sam’s not home.”

“I know, he mentioned he taught at the college. I actually came to see how you were.” The Alpha looked slightly uncomfortable now, as though waiting for Dean to tell him to beat it. But Dean owed Gabe a lot and the Alpha, who he could now tell smelled of clay and cherries, didn’t make his skin crawl like he thought it would. It seemed his head found no reason to fear the shorter Alpha.

“Oh, I’m good. Tired, I guess, and I’m wondering if I should risk it to spend the day running some errands.”

Gabriel nodded seriously, “if you want company, I’d be happy to ditch work.”

“Where do you work?”

The Alpha took that as an affirmative and sailed passed Dean, snatching up his brother’s house phone and dialing a number. “I’m a Kindergarten teacher, and boy let me tell you I needed a break from those booger-lovers. Oh, hello Ms. Rosen, just wanted to let you know I won’t be attending school today. Sorry about the short notice, family emergency.”

A faint high pitched voice rattled on the other side and Gabriel laughed winningly, “thanks, Becky. I’ll see you tomorrow. Mmhm, okay, yeah. Bye Beck!”

He hung up and placed the phone back in it’s cradle, turning to Dean with his arms spread out, “alright, where to first?”

“The auto shop,” Dean decided, “I’ve gotta get Baby picked up. Hopefully Bobby has Rufus finishing her.”

Gabe nodded and gestured grandly to the door, “after you, my boy.”

Dean rolled his eyes and grabbed his leather jacket from the little table in the foyer, draping it over his arm and heading out the door to Gabriel’s crappy Civic. Gabriel followed, whistling the tunnel song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. What a day this would no doubt be.

[get-chazzed]

When do you usually do most of your writing?

Pet peeves?

What is on your wishlist?

When do you usually do most of your writing?

I wake up very late because I have no self control and a really messed up sleeping schedule, so I do the writing from 1 pm onward, generally speaking. Then again, I have spent more than one day doing nothing but typing away on my keyboard for this account, so... Yeah. I'd like to say I do most of it during the daytime, but it depends: if a thread I like gets a reply at 2 am (which happens a lot because everyone seems to be living in the Americas?) you can bet I'll be typing a reply as soon as I get the notification (though I almost never post them right away, since I'm anxious about spelling, syntax and so on). It might be that I'm new to the scene and that I'm a situation in which I have little else to do, but I get really excited whenever I get a reply or an ask and will jump at the chance to start interacting with new people- which is sadly kind of hard because of how unpopular GX seems to be among the RPC. People have still been very nice to me and have been very open to testing out interactions, which I'm deeply grateful for. I am wagging my nonexistent tail of all of you, constantly. On a separate note, I do the fic writing after midnight. Always. And I hate it.

Pet peeves?

... Oof. Ok. I'll take my chance to say a bunch of things? Don't hate me for it, I don't mind any of these that much.

1) I kind of dislike writing in present tense, mostly because I find it unnatural, but I will when the other person does. I'm the opposite of picky- and it isn't necessarily a good thing.

2) Fancy formatting. It's one thing to use small text, that I don't mind one bit. But when fonts and random highlighted words are involved I get very confused? I know I use italics for emphasis and for things that are meant to be internal monologue that isn't narrated, but rather delivered by the muse himself- maybe that's annoying or distracting to someone? I bet someone out there has looked at a reply of mine and wanted to delete the post in my stead at some point.

3) Heavily edited icons. Again, icons or not, it technically doesn't make much of a difference. I personally have taken a liking to keeping my Manjoume icon folder open on my second screen- plus I'm Italian. Come on. Half my communication skills are non verbal I'm lying I suck at communicating in general. The edited icons, yes- a frame and coloured filter make icons look personal and I appreciate the work put into them, but when I can barely make out the expression I have to wonder what the point is. Aesthetics, I suppose, which is fine, of course.

4) Tumblr themes. Some themes don't allow for reblogs when you open posts on the op's blog. WHY. It's sort of annoying to have to fish for the post in order to reply to it.

5) Endless threads. Very few do this, but I think you should consider that people who are not involved in a given thread will have to scroll through it on their dashes before you reblog a thread without cropping it. That's all. I didn't know how to do it initially, but I asked and I was lucky enough to get an answer from a very kind person.

6) ... Grammar. Typos are fine and dandy. Sometimes they happen and you can't notice them because some words exist and thus are not highlighted by the spellchecker (which is on everyone's chrome, by the way). An example is 'fir' and 'for'. I can assure you there is no red squiggle under 'fir'. It's a tree, apparently. I had no clue. But yes, I am not from an English speaking country, so don't take this as like... a British dude coming up to you and bullying you because your English is bad. No. A misplaced comma is ok, I don't care. It becomes a problem when the sentences are hard to understand. That's it. (Note- if I write something that you think is an incomprehensible mess, tell me and I'll try my best to fix it.)

... I'm done. I am not angry at anyone who does any of these, believe me. Pet peeve number seven is a request. DM me for literally anything. If I do something wrong, tell me. I write a lot of extra tags to convey how I feel about what has been written and maybe it's unnecessary, but I do it so you can always know that I'm actively invested in the interaction. If I don't add tags it's solely because there is nothing to add. But if it's annoying, tell me and I'll stop immediately. That is all.

What is on your wishlist?

... This.

How very unexpected, I know.

A bunch of other things, too: I have some Jojo prints in my cart on Etsy and I know I'll never get them (sad) and a bunch of videogames on Steam and the Nintendo e-shop (which I'll never buy or play- they look neat though). On Amazon I have the last few volumes of the DM manga and the GX series (Light and Darkness Dragon, my beloved). Also also any charm that has to do with Manjoume. I haven't found any I could buy, but I want 'em all. Literally break into my house if you find one. Ah! And the matching figures of Komaeda and Hinata from Danganronpa 2! (Big Danganronpa fan, bigger Komahina shipper- I've made a fucking animatic and I can't post it because the music is copyrighted ;) ) I also have a bunch of zines I'm waiting for- some I've bought and are about to be sent out and others have only posted interest checks. 2021 was the year in which I discovered that yes, I can commission people and buy zines and it doesn't need to a big event (except I'm not rich and need to be mindful with spending of course). ... I also really want the new Pokemon games. Like right now.

... If it turns out the question wasn't actually about like... material things, but rather what I want to do with my blog and muse in the future... Well, first of all pretend I said nothing. Second, I want to find an art style I can comfortably use to make more frequent illustrations for threads and asks. I was a big fan of ask blogs as a kid (I saw them through crust screenshots and reposts only, I didn't have a tumblr lol) and I always wanted to be that cool artist that makes cool art for a given cool character. Manjoume is the coolest of characters to me, so yeah.

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[charmingpplincardigans]

Hi!! So as I understand you work at a editorial? I'm just really interested into getting into that world and I was wondering what did you study or what kind of profiles are they looking for? Thanks so much and sorry if this is kind of ramdon! lol!

I do work at a rather large publishing company whose books you’ve no doubt read or studied from, but unfortunately I have never worked in editorial. If that’s what you’re aiming to do you might want to shake another tree. I have had ‘editor’ as part of my title at times (copyright editor, permissions editor), but I think that’s mostly because there used to be a quite specific idea of what moving parts existed in the machine of publishing and how to designate them. That specific idea has been blown to bits over the last ten to fifteen (and maybe hundred) years as “publishing” has come to mean a whole myriad of different things in order to keep up with the world and the ways the world wants to tell stories and share information. 

So I say this in all honesty, with love, and completely seriously: If you want to get into the publishing industry then study whatever you want. Use your time as a student to learn about the things that matter to you and what among them informs what stories mean to you, and then find or create a company that publishes things that jive with what you learned about yourself. Do whatever you can for that company and make yourself invaluable. In my experience it’s less about what you studied or what track you put yourself on than it is about timing and interest. I know very few people who work in publishing because they studied publishing and were really chomping at the bit to end up there. Though that might be because I don’t work in New York or at one of the Big Four, so take the rest of this with as much salt as you like. 

Personally, I studied Advertising and Public Relations. Which is to say that I wanted to study writing and philosophy, but was terrified I’d never find a job outside of academia if I did, and so shifted my major to something short and creative that left me with lots of extra open degree hours I could fill with courses in writing and philosophy. I didn’t have a plan to end up in Advertising or Public Relations really, I just knew that I liked words and stories and wanted someone to pay me to create them at some point. (I’m still working on this, but.) Honestly, student loans are a bitch and a half no matter if you enjoyed your university or hated it, so you might as well learn things you want to learn if you’re given the option. 

It wasn’t until I graduated from my university and started interviewing with advertising and public relations firms that I realized the business side of that wasn’t really a good fit for where I wanted my life to go. I had the good fortune to be living in a city where there was an office for a medium sized publishing company, so I wallpapered them in resumes for every position I thought I could handle until they called me back. 

(I actually remember attending an anime convention at a hotel a stone’s throw from the old offices of my publishing company about six months before I got hired on and debating with my friend whether or not I could just go over right then and throw myself on the steps and not leave until they hired me. Considering that at that moment she was dressed as Revy from Black Lagoon and I was dressed as Hiyori from Bleach, this would have been a terrible plan, but the specter of an uncertain future makes all of us a bit desperate.)

That was the timing and luck part. It was just before (like six months maybe) the job market in the US got really dire and also just before (like ten months maybe) my company merged with another medium sized and respected publishing company and then spent a solid year going through cycles of layoffs. The only reason I made it through those layoffs is because I had been lucky enough to be hired into the permissions side of things, which is a necessary and legal function for a textbook publisher. So I kept my head down while copy editors and designers got axed all around me and I learned as much as I could about a lot of things in order to make myself look more necessary than I was. So far, this has worked, even as I’ve moved from permissions into librarianship and then digital librarianship. 

For real though, everything you learn is important to everything you want to be. This goes for every job, but it’s an especially effective case to make in publishing, which is an industry built on narrative and transmitting information. There is no you who studied that is separate from the you who works, which is why I say study what makes you happy and teaches you the most. It’s not about specific skills, not always anyway. Sometimes it’s about work ethic and disposition. Sometimes it’s about creative problem solving. Sometimes it IS about knowing definitively where commas should go, but only in very specific cases and in more and more experiences these days the people who know exactly where commas should go are also having to deal with a whole lot of other things. I promise, there is always time to learn where the commas should go if you really need to know. That takes a lot less time than say, learning how to handle an errant vendor or exactly what to say to Marketing to get them to just Do The Thing already. 

I have friends who got degrees in English and ended up as math editors. I have friends who have no college degree who started out in sales and ended up in Permissions. I have friends with masters degrees in publishing who are still contract employees because the job market is the Literal Worst. And more and more I have friends who have taken longer roads to deciding what they really want to do and who are forming/have formed their own companies, be they publishing companies or production companies or editing service companies or small literary agencies. I’m not sure what country you’re in Anon, but the US job market is a tough row to hoe these days no matter how prepared you try to make yourself, which is why I think you should always make yourself as interesting as you can along the way. The publishing industry is tumultuous and the larger companies are not immune to that. Markets shift and companies merge and digital platforms eat away at print resources. It seems that these days the most valuable publishing employee is one who is nimble and willing. 

I say all this as someone with certain privileges for sure, but also someone who was raised super low middle class and who has sometimes had to work three jobs in order to almost pay my bills and who has only recently found what might be described as actual job and financial security. And even now, even though my boss thinks I’m smart and integral to her team, even though I’m constantly trying to teach myself more and more about librarianship and publishing in general, I know those things can be taken away from me at any minute for reasons that are beyond my control. I’m not saying this to dissuade you, but so you know what you’re in for. I adore publishing. There are very few other industries I would ever want to find myself in, but if you’re going to go into publishing you kind of have to be ready for anything, and that’s hard to study for, so study for you. 

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

August 9th 2018

I didn’t do much today which is fine by me. I mostly stayed home there was one point I left my house but that was just because I had to return my library book. On my way to the library I noticed 3 guys who were probably in the their early to mid 20s. They were on skateboards. Okay, whatever, who cares? Well it’s a little important to the story, so on my way home I decide I wanted to take the long way and I see these guys again. I am one of those people where with group of men are around I’ll turn down my music (when I walk around town I am listening to music). Doing this allows me to really listen to what they are saying so I can try to stay safe, I don’t know why but I wasn’t looking at my phone while doing so. Which is also something I normally do when I feel unsafe passing some people. Anyways, they were at the pre-school using their steps(which there isn’t many) doing tricks or whatever. I watched the one guy wipe out so hard, it was kinda funny(he was okay though) the thing that made it funny was after he got back up and he was trying to say how if they were at the local college that he would have done a lot better and that he wasn’t crappy at skateboarding. Well from my judgement of what happen he was kinda bad and it sounded like his manhood got hurt after that wipe out.

(Side note as I was pretty much away from them I heard the guy who wiped out say that he thought he may have broken his phone from that fall) the local college has like no stairs too but it is pretty much all hills. So, it’s kinda like if you can’t do a simple trick with not a lot of stairs and a flat surface how are you going to do that same trick at the school where it’s all hills? Oh well. Not my problem. 

The thing that kinda annoyed me today for a little bit was a boy from tinder (I know I should probably get off tinder), well he’s not important to my life so we are just going to call him tinder boy. Well tinder boy and I have been talking (you can’t even call it talking honestly) on snapchat for a little bit now. I think maybe a week, anyways the only reason I gave him my snap was because he said he was going to send me a picture of his dog. Let me tell you this he has a cute ass dog, and I knew of that before I even gave him my snap because he had a picture of his dog up. He only really sends me memes and pictures of this dog. (they aren’t even good memes either) I made a comment to him today asking him to tell me something about himself so we could have an actual conversation that wasn’t just dog pictures and memes. This guy says “no u” and takes a screenshot so I ask him why he took a screenshot and he just sends me a winky face and say Nicci did(Nicci is his dog) so I’m kinda like No, really why did you? so he tells me “accidente” then sends me a bunch of bitmjios so at this point I’m kinda like really? You are a 26 year old man acting this way. Come on. I didn’t say that to him (even though I really wanted to). He kept taking screenshots so I text him back I don’t know how someone accidentally screenshots something like 3/4 times. Then he sends me idk? like two times and sends me a bunch of memes. So, I’m over it at this point(but looking back at it he was so trolling me) then asks me what I want to know and I want to know whatever you’ll tell me... heres the thing about this guy he sends a bunch of messages at once its never just one so the next thing went like this:

Lol

What haha

Ask me a question

What u want from me

A life story ?

So i’m like no just random facts I don’t need a life story then he says

Hmm

I run a computer shop

And look at memes

Boom

Facts bruh

At this point I am still giving him a chance and I ask what made him want to run a computer shop. He tells me his Dad ran it. At this point I’m thinking cool we’re getting somewhere... then he says he started off fixing typewriters, 349 years ago and sent a bitmjio again. At this point I was just done and I said K. Then here comes a spam of messages saying “about that time, I, K, What, K what lol, I’m kinda lost here, Ur usually rude, Whys that, I don’t recall being rude, I send dog pics, What’s the deal” (the commas are separating each message) Then I said “How am I normally rude? We don’t ever talk. I’m trying to get to know you so we can actually talk but its just doesn’t seem like you care so it’s just K. Then he left me on read for like hours then send a crappy meme and said Okie dokie. I kinda left him on read cause I was in the middle of the last day of my five hour course(it was break when I looked at his message) I just left him on read maybe later I’ll message him back and be like if you wanna actually get to know me just let me know. I probably will just to see what he does.

I passed my five hour course now it’s time to take my road test. I’ll probably take that in October and once I pass my road test I won’t be that lame 18 year old who doesn’t have their license anymore. Funny thing is when the teacher was going through the test and set aside three papers and those were the tests that failed. I look at the person who I was sitting next to (I actually know that guy. I’ve known him for like 3 years now I believe) and I said “watch my test was one of those papers that failed”. The teacher called out the names who failed and then said that those people actually got all 100s. I look at the teacher and I just tell him that was cruel. You know what he did? Of course you don’t know you weren’t there, but if you were there hi I guess. Anyways, he just laughs and pretty hard too and says yeah that was cruel. 

I was talking to one of my parental units today about something my oldest sister(we’ll call her Ava) said to me a while ago. I honestly feel so bad for this parental unit cause my brother(we’ll call him Aaron) thinks (s)he hates his guts (his reason is because he’s the only son) but that is so untrue! Aaron doesn’t even know that half the time he gets invite to things at Ava’s house is because my parental unit tells Ava to invite him. Ava and her jackass of a husband, Axl, don’t think of inviting him. I could complain about Ava and Axl for such a long time so I’ll save that for another day. Aaron total has their memories that were dreams that he thinks was real because he tells me all this stuff and it’s just out of the blue for this parental unit. Then Ava thinks this parental unit is always leaving her in the dark when it comes to important things and the only reason why I know this is because I called Ava out on leaving me in the dark all the time. Ironically Ava had many excuses for doing so to me. I don’t know I just feel like the black sheep of the family. I always feel like I’m left in the dark not from just Ava but my other sister, Aria, too. It just really sucks because I really look up to Aria but I feel like she hates me. I don’t really wanna get into that feeling right now because I was writing about it the other day before I started my blog and I cried. Back to what I was saying though Ava just doesn’t get it that the stuff she doesn’t get invite to is the stuff that this parental unit has no control over. (S)He doesn’t have control over it because someone else is running the plans if that makes sense. Then the other stuff Ava could just look up herself, since it’s all in the family facebook group page (my family on one of the sides of my family has a group with a bunch of family members in it so we can all be kept up on whats going on) so that’s her own fault if she doesn’t know really.

I just love my parental units so much, they give us everything. All my siblings are moved out (I’m the youngest of five) and my parents still give them everything. In fact Ava took one of our ACs last summer and we had to buy a new one. I think we all take for granted our parents. I have wonderful parents and I think they are amazing. I know sometimes it doesn’t know, but I try. I try real hard to be a good child, it’s just so hard. I’ve never done drugs(unlike Ava and Aaron... I don’t know if Aria has or not) I don’t ever drink and I know all my siblings before they were 21 was getting shitfaced. I mean I think I’m wildly different from them, I also just never had any interest in those kind of things (drugs or alcohol). There’s just a lot that makes me feel like I’m the black sheep of the family but I don’t feel like getting into it at all right now. Like I said I try so damn hard but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough that some how I just... I don’t know. My mind kinda all foggy right now.