#i have nothing but neuroticism and depression underneath

[mainfaggot]

I wanna kill myself

[modeledbyhands]

i’m emotional

i think it’s a fairly acceptable statement to say i’m an emotional person. it’s just that I hide things rather well. 

i think a lot of the time it boils down to different distractions coming in the way as well as just running away from my problems. 

during this quarantine period, this fact has become gradually more apparent as i’ve spent more time locked up indoors. relations and conversations, activities, and daily living outside the house had become refuge from inadequate thoughts and mindset. while sports and other things i’m good (?) at served to boost my self-esteem. without all of these things going on, i could no longer run away or mask the conversations with myself on my fears or sense of inadequacy. needless to say, mentally (and subsequently physically due to staying indoors only), my health has been in a free fall.

from the outside, people would probably describe me as confident (or cocky, i guess from who you’re asking), or even “solid”. more recently, i think i’ve been wincing whenever I hear those adjectives, because honestly, i’m not sure i feel those describe me anymore. pre-covid fleeting thoughts have now become full blown conversations and exposed me. now I see just a shell of what I used to be. 

what worries me most is that through becoming older and having more experiences, I see that I am truly my father’s son. not that it was ever in question, but when I was younger, I just thought of myself as just very different from my father, and just more like my mother. turns out, we’re both just emotional beings constantly going through mood swings, clinging onto being relevant/knowledgable/memories of the past (many sentences come out of our mouths involve “I”, “me”, “my”, or start with “in my experience”, etc.), and consistently 紧张 (which is imo a hard to translate phrase in Chinese, but loosely “nervous”) / neurotic person. It’s probably the reason why my relationship with him isn’t the greatest and I’m annoyed whenever i get lectured (cyclical lectures that are always the same topic and go on for 30 minutes about nothing). 

part of this fear also stems into how it will affect my relationships. my dad has gone through a lot. this combined with his fears has made him retreat away from society and hole himself up in his study. it’s impacted many of his friendships and even his relationship from within our family. for years this was festering subconsciously in me and now I understand why when i see these similarities between us, it scares the shit out of me. i don’t want to be this way and end up like him. 

some may say “it’s good you’re identifying the problem” and think that this realization should lead into a renewal of some sort. and i think ordinarily that would be true, except I still have that tendency to mask what’s going on underneath and run away from my problems. (see the cyclical neuroticism?)

my only solace is that somehow through all of this, God has been slowly poking me away from going off the deep end and placing meet ups with friends to show my worth both in people that care for me, and the worth He has put on me. i’ve been blessed in so many ways that i’ve taken for granted. even in my failure and disbelief, i’ve been consistently and unabashedly been chased down, brought home, and loved. 

while i wouldn’t say i can be clinically diagnosed as depressed during this time, i cannot deny the waves of inadequacy and fear i’ve experienced that have tormented me throughout quarantine/COVID. i also cannot deny that I am the way i have been created and that somehow it will work out for glory that is not my own. 

may I continue to be molded and modeled by hands of the creator.