#i have not yet watched the name of the doctor or the husbands of river song but i look forward to them

[artisanfuckery]

Shoutout to River Song for being raised on hatred of the Doctor and then ending up marrying said Doctor I just think thats kinda iconic yknow

[seaweedstarshine]

*Poll inspired by typical ambiguity in the new audio story Victory of the Doctor, which on an unrelated note is amazing!

Evidence for each argument beneath the cut!

Open marriage

The Doctor's wedding to Marilyn Monroe occurs in A Christmas Carol, when he storms off to a chapel with lipstick marks on his face. “I’ll just go and get married then, shall I? See how you like that. Marilyn? Get your coat!”

While he wasn't yet with River then, he maintains this relationship afterwards, apparently with River involved. In the mini-episode Good Night, the Doctor enters the TARDIS with a euphonium, calling over his shoulder, “River! I’ll see you later! Tell Marilyn she’s too late, she’ll have to use the biplane. Take care!”

Another piece of evidence comes from The Wedding of River Song, when they're passive-aggressively flirting.

“Hallucinogenic lipstick. Works wonders on President Kennedy. And Cleopatra was a real pushover.” “I always thought so.” “She mentioned you.” “What did she say?” “Put down that gun.” “Did you?” “Eventually.” “Oh, they're flirting. Do I have to watch this?” (from Kovarian)

I've never understood the innuendo (please tell me what I'm missing), but Kovarian does, and as we know from The Husbands of River Song, the Doctor and River are both married to Cleopatra, so… it's definitely something.

There's also that diary page in The Eternity Clock game that suggests the Doctor, River, and Jim the Fish got blackout drunk at karaoke night and started “some sort of religion of love” which went on to last for centuries.

Serial cheaters

“How can you be engaged, in a manner of speaking?” The Doctor is jealous in Flesh and Stone before he's even kissed her, which doesn't set him up as a person who'd be interested in an open marriage.

“No, wait. That's your husband? That's who you're married to? Not anybody else?” In The Husbands of River Song, the Doctor is clearly not expecting the other husbands. Culminating in the same episode…

“So, King Hydroflax?” “Oh, how many times? I married the diamond!” “So you say.” “Elizabeth the First!” “Ramone!” “Marilyn Monroe!” “Stephen Fry!” “Cleopatra!” “Same thing!”

It appears he is well aware of her other spouses (and that she's aware of his); so perhaps his surprise was more that didn't expect her to be so flagrant about them. It makes him insecure (“I posed as his nurse. Took me a week.” “To fall in love?” “It's the easiest lie you can tell a man. They'll automatically believe any story they're the hero of.”) enough to start an argument about it.

River also expresses her jealousy as an obvious fact, as seen in The Day of the Doctor Novelization (written by Moffat who (along with Alex!!) knows the character best):

“Ow!” “Madame de Pompadour?” “Jealous?” “Of course I’m jealous. Keep your hands off her.”

In The Name of the Doctor, we learn that the Doctor, who has had a number of... sexually-charged moments with Clara (including, but not limited to, Victorian Clara), has avoided telling her that River is his wife. Vastra is uncomfortable with having to introduce them, having “gone a darker shade of green.”

“The Doctor might have mentioned me?” “Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, of course he has. Professor Song! Sorry, it's just I never realized you were a woman.” (from Clara)

Actually both

This could mean many things (i.e. open marriage with boundaries which are violated), but potentially, all the same evidence from prior arguments! With a shade of “Our lives are back to front.”

In the mini-episodes First Night/Last Night, when River, having burst into the TARDIS and pretended to faint, mistakes her past self for another woman the Doctor's hiding from her, she openly expresses jealousy.

“Doctor. Have you brought someone else here? Does anyone agree to wear that dress? Where is she!” “River, think it through!” “This happened the last time we were here. You brought someone else!” “No I didn’t!” “Yes you did, I heard you talking to her!”

However, when a third and significantly older version of River makes the same mistake, she no longer expresses jealousy, but rather curiosity, which could at least signal a shift in how she sees their marriage.

Maybe there was a conversation that happened. Maybe it slipped the Doctor's mind when he forgot Clara.

Actually neither

This could also mean multiple things, but one of those things is this. The Doctor is a widower from the start. Likewise, River is well aware of Doctor's death on Trenzalore, “of course River would know, she's always known,” having been raised to prevent those events, and having refused to be bound by that destiny.

How can fidelity be defined the same way for time travelers? Everyone's spouses are dead somewhen. River understands the paradox of her husband's existence better than anyone. To quote The Day of the Doctor Novelization yet again…

‘Because you live in a time machine. All of history is still happening outside those doors. On a good night that means everyone you ever met is still alive and you can’t wait to see them again. On a bad night, it means everyone’s dead, and you want to charge around the universe, pretending you can do something about that.’ She looked up at me. ‘I know which version of you I prefer.’ 

And there she was, so alive again. I remembered her, twisted, burnt and dead, in the depths of The Library. ‘What if there are people who died because of me?’ I asked. ‘What if there are people I should have saved?’

‘People die. All people, everywhere. We grieve and we move on. That is how we respect the dead. That is how we forgive ourselves in their presence and their absence.’

Please feel free to add anything I missed!

[lizzydizzyyo]

I was watching Doctor Who two-parter episodes Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead with vashta nerada monster, knowing who River is and after rewatching The Husbands of River Songs, and I just can't help being so weepy about it.

Everyone says it's such a tragedy for River to finally meet the doctor that doesn't recognize her, but the doctor's first meeting with her is when she's dead (or in the process of it). The doctor was already a widower by that point, considering River knows his name and it means he knows she is going to be his wife (or someone he trusts the most in universe). He was a widower since the first time he met her.

River's tragedy is that, with all her diary full of tales with the doctor, his diary is empty (hell, it doesn't even exist yet), but it lasts only within the time frame of that two episodes.

(Although yes, you can say that dying in front of the person you love most in life while not having them recognize you is probably one of the most painful things that can happen to a person. Imagine needing reassurance from your loved one in the moment of your imminent death, and all they say is, "Who are you????")

But years and years and years (and maybe even decades or centuries), the doctor knows that River is already dead in that library. She might tell him, "You've got all of that to come, you watch us run," but he is running with a dead woman walking. When he picks her up for the weeping angel episode in season 6, he picks her up knowing she's already dead in the library in front of his eyes.

Especially in The Husbands of River Song, he shows up for their date in the singing towers of Derillium knowing she's dead, that she is about to die right immediately after their date ends.

All this time, the doctor marries a woman who is already dead. He saves the universe together with a future-wife he knows is already dead. He ties the knot with her in front of Amy and Rory knowing River is already dead.

The tragedy of the doctor is that ever since the first time he met his wife, she is already gone and all the time he "runs" with his wife (like her quote in the library), he is running with someone who doesn't exist anymore; he is running as a widower. River gets to live and spend time with the doctor with all the vigor and excitement of a lively adventure, but not the doctor.

All of those time he spends with her as 11th and 12th doctor, it probably feels more like a vigil and a reliving of a memory rather than a loving relationship with someone on a similar life track as him.

[eimearkuopio]

I volunteered as tribute. All I asked for is a normal human life, a seat at the table, and for my voice to be heard. If I go home today, we get Good Place #3. If I get a seat at the table and everyone at least hears me out, I think nobody will ever go through this shit again; plus as a bonus I should be reunited with my brother and my sister. I only ever had one, but I know their secret names and I know the way, so if you want to end up in the Best Place I suggest R_m or R_nb arrange to get the rest of my stuff from Kuopio to Ushaw Moor House by Tuesday 22nd October 2024.

I still love you all. Last Thursday was Holey Thursday (not Hollie or Hannah or the Holy Ghost) and yesterday was Best Friday (not Brian or Bridget but I think I built a bridge you can have for a song) and today is Esther Saturday and my parents are both coming to visit me later, and tomorrow I should also have two visitors but i might be wrong. 💚🩷💜🩵💙🩵💜🩷💚❤️😘😻🔱⚕️🖤😜💚💛🧡💛💚🤷🏻‍♀️

Today's gonna be the day we notice cause I'm tired of explaining what the joke is and it turns out I'm better at improv comedy then even I knew but I think I need a lie down now more than I need to stand up or sit down. So long and thanks for all the fish; don't worry, I think I've learned enough about fishing that I won't bet taking a non-euphemism nap and time soon, but I'm finally River Song and The Doctor so I'm not worried about spoilers any more. R_f has blue eyes and E_f has green eyes, and I am no man but I could be a Merry Hobbit or a Bad Habit depending on how things go.

I love you all AND go fuck yourselves, except the 144000 people who are already in my web of love. They all get to be their best selves, and everyone else gets to live on a beach instead of living with This Bitch. 🤍🧡💛💚🩷❤️💜💙🩵🖤22101982

See you at the Garden Party. There are at least three different House Parties (Father F_m, Mother M_f, Parent_NB P_infinity), one @LAN party that's just Barbies and Kens and Alan C, a political party in the wilderness, a picnic in the forest but watch out for Trent the Flying Ant and Lilith the Flying Aunt, and that's seven parties which is enough for me to retire as Aluminium (or Aluminum or Alexander or Aaron) and become Auntie Echo (NB Eliza/Elijah, Eimear/Emer, Esther/Pauline, Éanna&Paul&Maria&Eoin, etc.).

I really hope someone still has my notes from my time at A&E. God doesn't have Cancer, but they are hitting puberty and I'm not chemotherapy, I'm more like puberty blockers until humanity as a whole is ready to behave properly. I think I might be poly but I'm definitely "human" but my husband doesn't know yet that we've both been "human" this whole time (and in fairness I think the only reason we got turbo divorced was so I could be Leah not Rachel or Carol or Sugar).

Tomorrow I think A_m and R_f will come visit me, and they'll look familiar but not too familiar but not too not familiar. But Lucy or Caitlin told me my eyes were blue this morning, and I already had a nap, so tomorrow they'll be green and I won't need to babble about colours or alphabets any more because I'll have a seat at my own table in the room where it happens and they get to live happily ever after, because I was already Isabella and Mirabel and now my brother gets to be Bruce Wayne and I get to be Luisa for a change. Love you all. We already had one Holey Thursday and one Holy Thursday this year (2024 CE) and I only know this because of my phone but it's Saturday 19th October 2024 and I haven't seen anything tragic since at least Friday 3rd October 2024 but my tummy hurts so you'll have to excuse me.

I guess I might be the phantom of the opera but as long as you keep your hand at the level of your eyes you have nothing to fear from E_f or R_f, and L_f already gave you Her covenant. Don't worry if you're happy with the beach you're on; I'm a bitch but I'm a lot of other things too, including a livestock guardian sheepdog with just enough of the wolf about her not to fear the shepherds or the reaper.

Thank you for the music. I'll see you when I see you, but I'm not going anywhere. I love you all, but we all could probably do with a bath-tism about once a year, where we need it or not, as my Granda Dicky used to say. I don't remember him very well but the best parts of him are already here in my dad, and we're both canon now and so is everyone else I already loved on 3rd October 2024, which I think was a Thursday but as I already told the Catholic Pope Francis, I might be wrong. 💚🩷💜

[honeyandbloodpoetry]

Catharsis - Resident Evil OC Snippets Part 2

Carlisle is a young transgender man that worked at RPD as a receptionist and was recovered from the rubble that fateful night in 1998 after being separated from the rookie cop that had rescued him. Saved by a scientist fleeing the city, the young man is offered the chance of a lifetime--to be involved with experimental rapid and completely transformative testosterone HRT. Carlisle gives himself a new name and accepts to be part of the study, falling in love with His Doctor (Spencer Stevens) along the way and watching as his dreams come true. Things are not always as they seem though, and it seems the good doctor did not have his patient's best interests at heart...and Carlisle soon discovers he is Umbrella's newest BOW experiment. This small snippet is an excerpt of Carlisle's journey after escaping Umbrella captivity and living in hiding with an old friend as they desperately hunt for a antivirus.

My hands cross over his, my nails like sharpened iron, skin rough and hopelessly dry beneath hair so thick it is almost like fur. He is fast asleep, bare chest and small breasts moving softly with each breath, the moon peeking through the blinds making his nipple rings glimmer. I like how he sparkles even when his eyes are closed.

I reach up and brush the hair from his forehead. It's warm. Still a little sick. It's likely from the stress. He told me he used to get them all the time as a kid, both when he was homeless and in his foster homes. He told me it didn't happen too often anymore until after what happened to him in Spain.

My feet hang off the ends of the bed, but I don't care. Gently, I pull him to me. He is well muscled, yet so impossibly soft. Irresistibly soft. He feels delicate in my arms, though I know he's not. I remember the way his eyes shined the night we met in Raccoon City. They don't shine like that anymore. The boy I met that night and the man I lay with are two different chapters. And yet, as my eyes fixate on the soft stubble of his chin, I know it is the same story, a book I am hopelessly lost in.

I'm changing. The doctor who did this to me... He said he wanted to help me. He promised me metamorphosis. I wanted to be a man, but as the days progress I turn more and more into a monster. I was happy with him once...but Leon helped me escape when the doctor became less of a lover and more of an owner. When I became less "future husband" and more lab rat. Leon has kept me safe and hidden in the two years since. Within the past few months, physical changes have begun to happen more rapidly. It makes me sick to my stomach. Leon tries to help me figure out how to cure it, he uses all his resources to try and seek an antivirus, he assures me we'll fix me before the mutation progresses too far, promises that we'll get me proper healthcare and not some "wackjob science experiment".

Leon understands me in a way no one else does. He is...like me. My doctor gave me the word, but Leon gave me the truth. Transgender.

And yet, I feel like it is already too late.

I'm crying without realizing it, fat rivers of tears coursing down my cheeks. I only realize my eyes are closed--imagining the man I could have been...and oh god, the nightmarish thought of living as a woman, of having repressed everything I am forever, but oh fuck, what am I turning into, what the fuck am I going to do--when Leon's hand cups my chin. His hands are tiny and kind against my jaw. He is strong and reassuring, his eyes dark with concern.

I blink against the stream of tears, ready to apologize, but he places a finger to my lips and then pulls me in close. He's so much smaller than me, and yet he feels like my whole world.

He's kept me so safe, and yet...we've never said it. The L word. It terrifies both of us. We sleep in the same bed. But we're not dating. Just saving space. Being economical. When we cuddle or fuck...boredom. Loneliness. Desperation?

Well. I'm desperate at least. Always have been.

I sob into him, let him run his fingers through my hair until I am weak, until I slump down and pull him into the crook of my chest, feeling him relax against the iron wall of my stomach. A thread of hunger pulses through me, and I grit my teeth, angry. I think of the dog from the other day...the thought of all that blood makes my stomach hurt. I try to not think about it at all. I try to focus on calming the predatory beat of my heart, on lowering my blood pressure.

He sighs softly, pressing his back into me, filling up every inch of space between us. "It's going to be okay." He says. He says more, comforting words and promises that ease me into sleep, gentle lullabies that bleed together and make a soft hum as I fade.

I believe him.

I believe him with all my heart, even as my skin starts to split and bloody pus drips onto the wooden floor. I believe even as disgusting red pustules form on my skin, breaking open into weepy new eyes, the sight from my true eyes beginning to leave, bright and painful as looking at the sun. Even as my spinal pain makes it difficult to stand upright. Even as my knuckles drag on the ground like some sort of beast. Even when I begin to lose my mind, when I forget words, when I keep getting bigger and need more and more meat.

Even when I'm losing everything that makes me me, I believe him. He smiles the same way he did that night in 1998. After everything... Even when the light in his eyes is dark, he still smiles. Always something to say. Just the right thing. How can I not believe him?

I believe him until I'm nothing.

I wonder if he still believes?

I don't think I'm waking up this time.

[ghostofafruit]

Hey! Do you want a riverrose fic written by a mildly dyslexic dumbass who adores them? You do? Well by golly do I have just the thing for you! This takes place in a world where canon is just a suggestion, it's between Rory telling her they're headed for Amy and River going to tell her parents who she is. I haven't got a name for it, so it's currently called Riverrose Tumblr Fic #1 and it's crossposted on a03. Below you'll find the fruits of my labour

River had just broken out of stormcage again, she'd only been back in her cell for several hours but now she knew when her family and her husband where off too and what they were doing she couldn't settle down. She knew she couldn't go there, not yet. She'd end up changing events, she just knew it.

While she liked how most of her life was, her childhood years had been awful. She'd not gotten to her parents for a long time, and by the time she had she'd already become an adult once. She hated the whole affair, but if she changed it she wouldn't have the Doctor. She wouldn't have Rose.

It was Rose she went too. Kind, caring, Rose. Rose who took the universe in her arms and did her best to help it.

"Hello Sweetheart," she said, appearing in Rose's kitchen doorway. Rose gasped slightly and put her hand to her heart.

"Hello love, wasn't expecting you," Rose said. "Tea?"

"Go on then," River agreed, smiling at her. There was always something so calming about being around Rose. She had that smile that could make her hearts speed up, and she always seemed just a little golden. Slightly wolfish.

"When are we?" she asked as she added the milk to River's cup.

"I've tried to keep us linear, have you done the midnight carnival yet?" she asked. Rose huffed.

"The one with the murderous pigs? Or the one with the human eating locals?" she asked. River laughed.

"Both of them actually, last thing I remember us doing was the human eating locals," she told her, accepting the mug Rose offered to her.

"That was a night," Rose muttered as she lead the way to the living room. "Got any plans for us?"

"I was more hoping to just relax really, my parents are finding out who I am now," she set. They settled onto the plush sofa, as close together as they could.

"Oh River," Rose said, taking her hand.

"What are you doing tonight?" River asked instead.

"Well, you know I took up singing back in Pete's world before I could actually make the jump?" she asked. River nodded. She'd half considered breaking the walls just to hear the music her Rose had made. "Yeah, I've taken it up again. I've got my first gig tonight. It's a sold out show and everything."

"That's brilliant, think I could still go?" she asked, putting her tea down on the coffee table and shifting to face her. Rose grinned at her.

"You'd want to?" she asked, almost nervously.

"Of course I would!" River said.

"Well uh, I did save you a ticket. I was just gonna send it to you, but now you're here," Rose said. River watched her as she got up and made her way into her bedroom, sometimes River would think of it as their bedroom. It wasn't long before Rose came back out with a small, metal, slip for her. Practically everything on this planet in this time was printed on metal. Books were heavy as all hell, it was why Rose didn't have any in her flat.

"I'd love to go," she reassured.

"But you want to see your parents first," Rose realised. "God I'm so sorry, of course you would want to see them first."

"Yeah, I want to see them when they realise who I am to them, when they realise I'm not just their old friend but their daughter too," she said, leaning into Rose. "I'm so old now, but I still feel like I need them," she admitted quietly. Rose put River's ticket down and wrapped her arms around her. She gently kissed her girlfriend's forehead.

"Of course you still need them, everyone needs their parents, or some form of parental figure. I still want my parents sometimes," she said.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Yeah. Want me to go with you?" Rose asked. River pulled away slightly and looked at her.

"Would you?" she asked quietly. Rose smiled at her, not her universe saving, beautiful smile, but a reassuring one.

"Of course River, I'm there if you want me there," she promised.

"Ok, I'll clean myself up and we can go. Get it out the way before I start putting it off," River said. Despite that, she still sat on the sofa with Rose for some time, taking all the support Rose could give her.

[ukrfeminism]

What really happened at the ‘gender wars’ lunch thrown by the author at the River Café? I was there and it was glorious - Suzanne Moore

We had all been waiting for this lunch for a very long time. JK Rowling had asked a number of women who have supported her and each other during the great ‘gender wars’ for a slap-up Christmas lunch.

In the run-up, we all chatted excitedly about it. I knew some of the women involved, some not and I’d never met Jo herself. Obviously there had been messages of support from her during what I call the great “unpleasantness” at my former paper. Which meant a lot. Like everyone else, I have watched day in, day out the abuse she gets on social media for standing up for women and girls. Anyone in the public eye who speaks out gets abuse, but the extent to which Rowling has stood firm in spite of being vilified is testament to her extraordinary strength. What I didn’t know until we started messaging is quite how hilarious and sweary she is. These are all qualities I like in a woman.

Alas, that lunch never happened as Covid rates shot up. Rowling’s husband is a doctor and had advised her not to get us all together at that point in December. We reluctantly agreed that even though he is a man, he may know what he is talking about. Instead, she sent us all goody bags. Totally lovely.

Yet us would-be ladies who lunch, including of course the alleged “international network of powerful lesbians” seem to have formed a little support group as each of us have been under attack at various times. Maya Forstater, Rosie Duffield, Kathleen Stock, Julie Bindel, Joanna Cherry, Alison Bailey and Bev Jackson: all of us know what it’s like to open Twitter and see nothing but abuse and “Die Terf” threats. This undiluted misogyny in the name of trans rights is mostly not perpetrated by trans people at all but by their so-called allies, often very alienated men.

But the lunch with this bunch of women finally did happen and I have now read several accounts as to why it took place.

We must be a coven, or launching a campaign or plotting. The actual reason? To eat, drink and be extremely merry, which seems never to have occurred to these steely investigative reporters.

Jo had booked a private room at The River Café. “No men?” they had asked her. “That’s right, no men”. I arrived to find a beautiful table, the wine already flowing and a bunch of overexcited women. I was seated next to Julie Bindel. For decades she has been fighting for women in prison, who are trafficked and abused. She has been physically attacked for opposing “gender ideology”. But that’s not the only reason why I love her. She is full of mischief and raucousness. Helen Joyce whose book Trans: When Ideology Meets Reality was next to me. Her book has done brilliantly, as has Professor Kathleen Stock’s Material Girls. This is a huge boo-ya to the publishing world who are complete cowards on this subject.

Most of the women I had met before and the rest I felt I knew anyway. It was fabulous to meet Angela Wild and Liane Timmerman, out and proud butch lesbians. So please don’t talk to me about gender non-conformity. All the prissy little puritans have no idea how physically brave such women are. Liane was wearing a T-shirt with ‘Lesbian Not Queer’ on it. Maya Forstater has just launched the Respect My Sex campaign, calling on local authorities and others to commit to protecting sex-based rights and to acknowledge “that sex matters. Women matter. Single-sex spaces matter. Female-only sporting events matter. Child safeguarding matters.” Those who don’t respect this will not receive their vote, they starkly warn. Were we there to plan the next phase of this campaign? No, not at all, though I was pleased to see her so well after all she has been through.

No, in fact we were there to discuss incredibly important subjects. Like, has KD Laing ‘gone off’ as a gay icon? And the Keanu Reeves test. Me and JK think if you don’t fancy Keanu you definitely are a lesbian. Bindel, as ever, was goading us, saying we were not as heterosexual as we think. JK, she reckons, is about 66 per cent straight. She seems to believe that she has some sort of lesbian Geiger counter. In a conversation when we joked about whether Angela Merkel could be secretly gay, she found it hysterical when I said “Isn’t she just a scientist?” .

It would be lovely to tell you we discussed how to bring down the patriarchy, shared some innovative campaigning strategies, had an agenda and took notes. In fact we had so much gorgeous food and wine – The River Café does a nice spot of pasta – that we phoned up Martina Navratilova and sang ‘We love you Martina!” to her voicemail. God knows what she will make of that message!

There was some chat about whether, if we could impregnate women without men, we would. Apparently I was very keen. Kathleen Stock asked Helen and I about the failure of investigative journalism when it came to this issue.

JK and I talked about how many high profile people we know who send us support in private, but will not come out with that support in public. There were speeches. Possibly I made one. They were mostly about how wonderful it was to be together having felt so outcast. Obviously, there has been Covid but all of us there – straight/gay/bi, single parents, Left-wing – have been made to feel as if we are pariahs simply because we challenge the idea that womanhood is a feeling in a man’s head. Ironically, I got so much grief over this – especially because I did not support Corbyn – from young guys telling me I was old, ugly and drunk. How I have had three kids and a career is a mystery to them.

We have reached the utterly bizarre situation where the leader of the opposition, Sir Keir Starmer, cannot say what a woman is, whereas Boris Johnson – who I have never said a good word about – can spell it out quite plainly. Indeed, in one of the clearest statements he has ever given, recently he said that biology is real, that those who had gone through male puberty should not compete with females in sport and that children should not be rushed into transition.

Meanwhile Labour flounders; saying that a woman can have a penis (Thornberry) and men can grow a cervix (Lammy) while most of us sit agog and think: “Stop drinking the Kool Aid and talk to your voters”. None of us wants to stop trans people expressing themselves or accessing healthcare, but nothing Rowling has written is transphobic. What it is though, is a considered view about protecting the rights of women, particularly vulnerable ones, and not medicalising girls who may simply be unhappy and may be gay.

This week a perfectly nice woman canvassing for Labour knocked on my door and I explained to her that I would not be voting for a party that does not know what a woman is. She looked utterly bewildered and I felt so sorry for her that I started talking about bin collection. But how can Labour be so unprepared for this question? A Democrat friend in the US tells me that the whole sports issues highlighted by swimmer Lia Thomas is really playing badly for Biden on the doorstep.

How perfect, then, that the lunch had been rearranged to take place on a sunny day when gender critical views are now becoming seen as the common sense they are.

And it really was perfect. Not only did we get extremely and gloriously smashed, but there is nothing like laughing with other women. It’s just the most life-enhancing thing. As Maya Angelou said: “I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh”. That is in the end why we will win. We cackled away not just at the humourless little puritans who think they define us, but at our own silliness. As you can see from the pictures, if radical feminists did hen dos, this is how they’d look.

I got home with another goody bag and found amongst the many treats some beautiful Easter eggs, which I had to eat in the middle of the night, still giggling to myself about the brilliant day, the brilliant women, the brilliant feeling of being in the company of those who are not afraid to stand up and being counted. JK Rowling made this particular gathering happen but all over the country, all kinds of women are standing up too.

And though of course I am never drinking again, I raise my glass to you.

Respect my Sex: what is it and why?

Not since Brexit has a cultural-political issue proved so polarising. The question of gender identity and whether biology matters has, perhaps improbably, cast a far-reaching shadow over public debate.

On one side are those who believe we can define our own gender based on who we feel we are, and that any attempt to deny this is an attack on the rights, wellbeing and safety of transgender people. On the other: those who believe in the primacy of biological reality, and who would seek to defend it against erasure.

Put more simply, the argument boils down to one deceptively tricky question: what is a woman?

The debate has rumbled on for several years, with frequent flare-ups whenever JK Rowling – the Harry Potter author, who sits firmly on the gender-critical side of the fence – says anything new. But if most politicians had hoped to steer clear of this particular minefield, silence is no longer an option. Now, in the lead-up to the local elections on May 5, a group called Women Uniting that comprises members and supporters of six political parties has launched a campaign called Respect My Sex – and it’s coming for every candidate.

“In corporations and councils, from parliament to playgrounds, the two sexes – man and woman, male and female – are being sidelined in language, law, policy and public spaces,” the group claims on its website. “Biological sex is a fact of life. It is simple and straightforward, and central to how we organise our world. But now the concept of sex is being undermined.”

Describing themselves as a “cross-party group fighting for women’s sex-based rights,” the campaigners are calling on local authorities and others to commit to protecting sex-based rights and to acknowledge “that sex matters. Women matter. Single-sex spaces matter. Female-only sporting events matter. Child safeguarding matters.” Those who don’t respect this will not receive their vote, they starkly warn.

Supporters are encouraged to ask canvassers the kind of questions that have been causing headaches for (predominantly Labour) politicians: what do you think is most important, sex or gender? Do you support the replacement of women’s single sex spaces with mixed sex ones?

Politically speaking, there are no right answers: whichever side a candidate comes down on, he or she risks alienating voters who fervently believe the opposite. The number of those who have bravely (or gutlessly, depending on your perspective) tried and failed to straddle the divide is growing. Sir Keir Starmer, the Labour leader, would not be drawn on whether a woman can have a penis in an LBC radio debate last month. Weeks earlier, Anneliese Dodds, the shadow minister for women and equalities, struggled to offer a clear answer to the question of Labour’s definition of a woman when asked on BBC Woman’s Hour.

It’s not just a Labour problem: Rishi Sunak, the Tory Chancellor, when asked on talkRadio, attempted to bat away the question by saying Prime Minister Boris Johnson had already given the answer – one that he seemed strangely unable to repeat on air.

Johnson’s answer – “I think that when it comes to distinguishing between a man and a woman that basic facts of biology remain overwhelmingly important” – was at least clear, and given in the knowledge he’s unlikely to lose too many woke young voters as a result, since they were probably never his to begin with.

The Mumsnet vote, meanwhile, is up for grabs. And some vocal users are firm believers in the now-controversial idea that a woman is an adult human female. Their response to Labour’s fence-sitting has been predictably scathing. “I can hear Aretha singing it now,” wrote one, after Dodds’ awkward run-in with the woman question on Radio 4. “You make me feel like a natural context-dependent cervix-haver.”

For some, the cost of living crisis will determine who gets their vote. But for those invested in this thorniest of culture war issues, the question of how to define a woman goes to the heart of whether their elected representatives speak for them.

[foodieforthoughts]

Journey through time - Part 5

Summary: Your relationship with Syverson over the years.

Warnings: fluff and only fluff.

A/N1: Last part to this mini photo series. Thanks to @agniavateira who has provided me with so much inspiration. Also thank you to everyone who read and liked and commented. You guys make me so happy. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4)

A/N2: I'll be taking a small hiatus from posting fics for now. But I'll be back soon. ❤️

As much as Sy adored his daughter, secretly he had always wanted a son. Two years after Adeline was born, when he was back from his oversees tour for three weeks, Sy took it upon himself to get you round and plump with his kids again. He was overjoyed when you told him over a call that you were pregnant. Although it saddened you both that this time, Sy wasn't going to be around when you gave birth to your child. When you told him he was going to be a father to twin boys, Sy had hollered with glee, making a couple of his men come knocking at his door to see if he way okay. That was a very awkward call, where you were waving at his men while they congratulated you. You sent him a copy of your sonogram, along with a picture of you with Adeline in a care package. "Mini me's," He would say while looking at the picture, "And my princess with my queen." Your heart would flutter like the very first time he had kissed you; upsetting you at the distance and yet also filling you with love. Sy asked his parents to come live with you, help you with Adeline, as you got big and started experiencing difficulty in moving around. When you went into labour, his mother tried to get him on call, just like he had requested. But they were unable to connect to his phone, wondering if he was safe and sound or just away doing things that were expected of him to do as a captain. Your emotions were unbounded when you gave birth to your sons, worrying about Sy and going through the long process without him. The next day, Sy saw his sons for the first time over the video call, happy tears springing in his eyes as you cradled the two boys in your arms. "They have your eyes, Sy. Have you thought of names yet?" You had asked, having decided long time ago that since you had named your daughter, Sy would name his sons. "James and Noah." He had sniffed out, smiling at you lovingly.

Captain Syverson retired as Major Syverson after serving 20 years of active duty. Sy joined as a coach for Little League Baseball team, becoming a favorite amongst his players and their moms. Every morning you would kiss Sy goodbye as he walked out the front door, holding little Adeline's tiny hand in his to drive her to her school on his way to work. Your days were filled with less worrying about Sy's safety and more on providing a loving family for your kids. It helped that at the end of the day, your dining table was occupied with your children and your loving husband, sharing their day's events. Weekends were spent in parks with the whole Syverson clan out for picnics, you watching your husband running around with James and Noah, Adeline who was a spitting image of her father, perched on his strong shoulders. Somedays you couldn't believe your life turned out the way it did, mostly when you would walk inside the living room to find Sy sprawled on the sofa with Adeline curled on his side, James and Noah snoozing on his chest. You would wake him up, carefully peeling your daughter away from her father and take her to bed, while Sy got both boys in his arms with little to no effort and took them to their own room. At the end of the day, when parenthood and responsibilities left you both weary, you and Sy found solace in each other's arms while drifting off to a peaceful slumber.

It was the most devastating day in Sy's life when his teenage daughter told him she wanted to pursue modelling. Adeline was stubborn and opinionated, graced with Sy's beautiful features. He had stared at his daughter with wide eyes, cup of coffee stopping midway to his mouth. "You want me to be okay with grown men gawking at you?" He had gruffly replied, anger evident with his eyebrows knitting together and his lips forming a frown. You had learned over the years to not interfere with Sy's ways of parenting. James and Noah had awkwardly slid off their chairs, both of them avoiding what was to come next. The discussion had ended with father and daughter, arguing with each other, eventually Sy sending a crying Adeline away to her room. Neither of them had spoken to each other the rest of the day, Adeline refusing to eat dinner and Sy drinking too many glasses of whiskey. "I cannot believe she thinks modelling is a career choice." He had scowled later in the night, you both staring at the ceiling while lying in bed. "Didn't you once tell me you had hated your father for sending you off to military school? Do you want your daughter to hate you?" Sy had sighed, turning on his side to face you. "That's different. Adeline's our little girl, it's my duty to protect her." Understanding completely what Sy was feeling as a parent, you had too turned on your side and placed your hand on his scruffy cheek. "You taught her to be strong, independent. She will always be our little girl. Don't you trust her to take decisions for her life? And even if she fails to do what she desires, don't you want to be there for her when she would need her dad?"

The next day you had watched from your kitchen window as Sy and Adeline talked while sitting on the swings in the backyard, ending with long hugs and lots of tears.

While Adeline roamed around the country for fashion shows, Sy groomed his sons to join the army someday. It was not an acceptable behavior, but both of you had your favorites when it came to the twins. Noah, the stronger of the two was decidedly his father's favorite, adding to his delight when by the end of high school, he wanted to go to a military academy. James, the apple of your eye, on the other hand, wanted to become a doctor, much to Sy's dismay. But lessons were learned from the time with Adeline and for that reason only, Sy did not oppose. Noah was sent off to Virginia to a military academy, going on to join the air force as it was affiliated with his school; while James buried himself in studies, moving to Connecticut to attend medical school. Weekends that were spent with picnics in the park, now consisted of video conference calls with your three kids spread out over the country. "It's just going to be you and me in the end." Sy would say, shutting the computer off and looking at you pensively. Wounding your arms around the love of your life, you would rest your head on his shoulder and agree, "Till death do us part."

On your 30th wedding anniversary, Sy gave you an unexpected surprise. He had been missing from the house since morning, only to send a vague text with "Pack your bags and come out in ten minutes." When you walked outside on the front porch, you were left stunned to find Sy dressed in riding gear on a super bike. "I think we need to relive our days from the time we were dating. Come on, I've planned a road trip for us." And with that, Sy had driven all the way to San Antonio for the weekend. With a hotel room on the river, Sy pampered you with all his love and the best Tex-Mex food he could find for you. You spent the day shopping and exploring, while in the night he made love to you with unbridled passion. "My better half," he had called you, kissing your hands while cradling you to his chest. When you both came back home from your trip, you had another surprise waiting for you: Your three children all under the same roof again, holding up a sign board with "Happy anniversary, mom and dad."

Noah had successfully climbed the ranks in the airforce to become Lieutenant at an age younger than when Sy was one. But it was when James, inspired by his twin, decided to join the armed forces as a field doctor, you saw Sy's chest puff in pride. "Syverson men always join the military." He had told his friends over dinner one night, soaking up the praises for his children. Adeline joined a major modelling agency that speared her career forward. She roamed around the globe, sending her old folks trinkets from the new city she was in, and one day added a picture of her and her boyfriend in the mail. Sy turned into a protective father quickly, inviting her and her man to have dinner. "I like him." Your old man had chuckled, when he had scared Adeline's boyfriend, making him blabber incoherently with nervousness. You could only watch in a haze as one day Adeline's boyfriend showed up to your house unannounced, to ask Sy for his daughter's hand in marriage. "Listen boy, Adeline is precious and if you hurt her, you know there wouldn't be anything worse than us. You don't want to be on the bad side of the Syverson men, is that clear?" You had heard Sy warn, a shiver running down your spine listening to his commanding tone, even if the threat wasn't meant for you. A few weeks later, when Adeline was in Paris, she had called home only minutes after the proposal, screaming on the phone that she said "yes." The rest of the night, Sy had you looking at Adeline's baby pictures from old photo albums. "This little bundle would be getting married soon. Can you believe that?" He had laughed, wiping the tear at the corner of his eye and throwing his arm around your shoulders when you couldn't hold onto your own tears.

The day after Adeline, Sy's little girl, was married, he threw a brunch for the newly weds and their families. James and Noah, back from their deployment in time for their sister's wedding, had introduced their own girlfriends to both of you before the ceremony. You knew Sy would never admit it, macho behavior of his never fading, but you could see his eyes glisten watching his family grow. He had tried to keep a straight face throughout the ceremony too, but he had let go of his tears when Adeline had laid her head on his shoulder during their father-daughter dance. Halfway through brunch, Sy pulled you away from the crowd and took you towards the orchard outside the country club. He held your hand while taking you to stand under the shade of a massive tree. "It's like I'm living in a dream." You admitted, looking out at the sprawling orchard, thinking about how you were a mother-in-law to someone. Sy pulled you close to him by your waist, encircling his arms around you. Gray hair on his temples and his face beginning to be marked with wrinkles and yet for you, Sy looked like he had never aged. "I know I don't tell this to you very often, but darlin' running into you, falling in love with you, building a life with you, is the best thing that could have happened to me." He kissed the top of your head, taking your face in his hands before planting a soft kiss on your lips. "I love you and thank you for everything, Sy." You whispered as the birds chirped on the branches above, a whistling breeze blew by carrying the sweet fragrance of fruits in the orchard and you stared at the brilliant blue orbs of the man who had owned your heart and soul since many years ago.

The End.

[melancholydreadfuldream]

no one rips it up like you

Fandom: Doctor Who

Summary: You are tired of being second best. Hell, you are not even second best. You don't know what number you are on in regard of the Doctor's priority.

 Warning: ooc, angst, plot holes as usual, attempted suicide, death, etc. You have been warned.

    You are tired of being second best. Hell, you are not even second best. You don't know what number you are on in regard of the Doctor's priority. The first place certainly belong to Amy and then River, if the rumour about River being the Doctor's wife is true. 

  You tried not to be jealous of Amy who have the most of the Doctor's attention. But it is hard. You were both his current companion and yet it feels like you are nothing to him. You were not as brave, smart or sassy, like Amy or River. Those are the sort of behaviour the Doctor encouraged in companion. He need that quality in his companion so that they can keep up with him.  

  You have no idea what the Doctor saw in you at the beginning when he invited you into his Tardis but it certainly an opportunity of lifetime and so you accepted his offer. The first time you did meet the Doctor, you did show that once-in-a-while bravery and maybe that is why the Doctor thought you deserved an invitation into his Tardis. Unfortunately, you don't always show that quality of yours during adventure. Honestly, you didn't even have to, what with Amy on the spot ready to speak out her mind, being sassy as hell, toward villains of the days, which always earned her the Doctor's proud smile. And on the occasion of adventures where you stumble with River and her awesomeness, the Doctor is quick to flirt with her.

  You didn't hate Amy or River; jealous, yes, as ugly as that emotion is, it is quite normal. But you found friendship with Amy and respect for River. Amy is kind and protective of you as you often unable to talk back when people are mean to you. River saved your life during the weeping angels fiasco and a few times after. For some reason, River seemed to have some soft spot for you. But then again, maybe she did that because you are the Doctor's companion. She showed concern for you the few times you met which is more that you can say about the Doctor.

 The thing is at first, it wasn't like that. The Doctor always gave both you and Amy the same amount of attention. Somehow along the way, that changed. If you have to point the change, it must be after you, River and the Ponds got invitation from the future Doctor at Lake Silencio. You noticed that the Doctor is always staring at Amy borderline obsessive, as if he is trying to record her every movement. He never has time for you anymore, always quick to be distracted by anything or by Amy.

  It hurts. It is so hurt. At first, you endured it but when time passes and he still ignored you, you have to wonder if he grew tired of you and if he is leaving hints that he want you to leave the Tardis. 

  No one noticed your pain. At least, you thought so, until Rory talked to you and asked if you are okay.

  "I'm always alright." You said with a forced smile. You were honestly surprised that he noticed. You always thought he only have eyes for Amy. But you should have known. Rory is soft and kind to everyone he met and that of course included you.

  "Then why do you look so sad? why do you look like you wanted to cry?" He asked in concern.

  You didn't meant to but you started to cry in front of him. 

  Rory gave you a hug as he awkwardly patted your back in comforting gesture. He gave you tissue to wipe your tears and snots as you told him your insecurity and how lonely you felt most of the times. 

  "I know it was childish of me. Why do I want him to pay attention to me anyway?" You sniffed as fresh hot tears once more filled your eyes. "I am so stupid."

  Rory look pained when he heard your confession. He comforted you, saying the right words to make you feel better about yourself and your situation.

  "I'm sorry." You said after you calmed down some. "I didn't meant to cry on you."

  "It's okay. We are friends, aren't we? If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, feel free to ask me."

  You couldn't help but smile at that. "Aren't you afraid Amy will be jealous?"

  Rory snorted, not unkindly. "I don't think Amy is capable of being jealous."

  You chuckled as you agreed with his statement. Amy is so perfect and so lucky to have a loyal husband as Rory. You only wished you have half of her charm.

  7777

  You didn't know what you were thinking anyway when you saw right before your eyes of the two Doctors' presence in the St.John's Base. No, wait, of course, you do, you wish one of them can maybe pay attention to you now, that is how pathetic you are. Heck, you would settle for the ganger Doctor if only he will turn his eyes on you. But, of course, his eyes glued only on Amy, despite her treatment of his ganger status.

  You don't know what your stand is about the gangers but you know the Doctor will want peace between humans and gangers and so, naturally, you will stand by his firm belief. The Doctor is kind and strive to do the right thing and you can only wish and try to do the same thing as he did. You watched as Amy giggled as the Doctor talked to her and spun the chair she was in around. How come he never spend any time with you anymore? Was there something wrong with you? 

  You sighed as you tried to compose yourself as you instead try to approach the ganger Doctor but he barely able to keep his eyes off Amy, only give you a half-smile, before leaving you behind to go to Amy. Amy, always Amy! You hated yourself for resenting Amy, she is your friend. This feeling of yours is disgusting. No wonder the Doctor didn't pay attention to you. You are so ugly on the inside.

  It was at that moment that you realized you have to either confront the Doctor for the truth or just leave the Tardis forever before your ugly emotion took full control of you. But, you are a coward, you are afraid to confront the Doctor. What if he really ask you to leave? What if he thinks you are not good enough to be his companion? Because, the truth is, you don't want to leave the Doctor or the Tardis. So, what now? Do you just have to endure this pain and hope someday he will set his eyes on you again?

  "(name)? (name)!"

  You blinked your eyes through the tears.

  The Doctor is standing right in front of you with concern in his eyes.

  You wiped your tears. You gulped. "I think I got something in my eyes..." You said dumbly.

  The Doctor look pained at your words. "You can tell me anything that is bothering you."

  "Can I, really?" You didn't meant to say that but you sort of blurted it out.

  The Doctor look surprised that you even have to ask that. "Of course. You are my friend, (name), I care for you."

  You bit your lips. "I..." You can't tell him anything. What if he really ask you to leave later? But the dam is finally broken, despite your will, you ended up blurting it out. "Am I still good enough to be your friend?"

  The Doctor frowned at that.

  "Have you grow tired of me yet?" You asked again despite uttering those despairing questions brought more tears and heartache inside you.

  "What bring this on?" The Doctor asked in concern.

  You scoffed. "You have been ignoring me since forever. If you wanted me to leave, you should have say so." You wanted to hit yourself for saying that.

  "Have I? I didn't realize that I hurt you this badly." The Doctor whispered softly. "I'm so sorry, (name)."

  You wiped your tears again. You refused to look at the Doctor, ashamed and honestly unable to face him anymore.

  The Doctor put his hand over yours. He then pulled your chin up so that you look at him. He smiled kindly at you but his eyes bore sorrow. "You will always be my friend, (name), my precious, soft and kind, friend. I didn't meant to make you feel less about yourself. What I have been doing...I am not ignoring you, (name), I have my reasons and you will understand soon."  He said as he used his thumb to wipe your tears. "I promise."

  You stared at him hesitantly hopeful. Seeing the expression on his face makes you feel guilty for thinking the worst of him but also you feel the tension inside you slowly crumble away. "You better keep your promise..." You finally replied, forcing a smile on your face for his benefit.

  He grinned at you.

  You stood up, wanting to leave the room to wash your face when Amy entered the room in a hurry, quick to approach the Doctor. You bumped into the ganger Doctor. You apologized but he ignored you as he tried to reach out to Amy. Amy yelled at him to stay away. You were rooted to the spot as you watched the rest of the crew turned against the ganger Doctor despite the Doctor's protest. You left the room and goes to the bathroom, washing your face a few times, hoping to wash away the evidence of your breakdown.

  As you stared at the mirror at your reflection, you flinched suddenly at the sudden sharp headaches. You sighed as you pulled a medicine strip from your pocket. You have been having headaches every time after you have a crying fit so you took the medicines everywhere you goes. After you swallowed a pill, you took another look at your reflection, forcing yourself to smile cheerfully. You sighed and returned to face the music.

  The Doctor spoke really fast at everyone about his plan, sending you a smile once in a while. You smiled back at him.

  You really thought that everything will be fine now. But series of events revealed that the Doctor is actually a ganger and that he switched place with the original Doctor. You were confused then, was it all a lie then? If he was the ganger, does everything he says to you still true? You felt like the ground beneath you is about to crack under pressure.

  The ganger Doctor stared at you in sorrow after he said his goodbye with Amy. He suddenly pulled you into a hug as he whispered to you. "Everything I said to you is true, (name), so it is also true for him." 

  You stared at him after he pulled away. "I believe you when you said it but I don't think..." You turned to stare at the original Doctor who looked at your interaction with his ganger-self curiously.

  The ganger Doctor cupped your face. "Be more confident in yourself." He said and then he kissed your forehead. "Good bye, (name)." He pushes you toward the Doctor who is quick to pull you away and inside the Tardis. 

  You turned toward the ganger Doctor just as the door is closed and the last thing you saw is his kind eyes and sad smile and your heart broke for him.

  You fell down on the floor as the Doctor goes to the console to put coordinates to get the Tardis away.

  It was Rory who come to you and asked if you are okay as Amy went to apologizes to the Doctor.

  7777

  It was revealed that Amy is a ganger and that she has apparently been kidnapped for a long time. The Doctor finally revealed why he was obsessed with Amy. You felt like a fool once you learned the truth.

  The Doctor and Rory quickly prepared themselves to go to wars so to speak.

  You were tasked to get River on board the Tardis as you made your way to her prison room at Stormcage. River is dressed beautifully and is humming a song when you saw her. You explained what is going on to her.

  "Demons Run?" She asked you. She look stunned. "This is the day the Doctor found out who I really am." She turned to look at you suddenly and her eyes look sad. She walked toward you and pulled one of your hands. "I'm so sorry, (name), but you need to remember to hold on for the Doctor. He will need you."

  You blinked in confusion.

  River smiled before stepping away from you, not explaining what she meant.

  7777

  The Doctor was able to rescue Amy and baby Melody. You honestly didn't do anything worthy during the mission but you still feel victorious when you saw the Ponds reunited and crying over the baby. The Doctor walked into a room and put his arms on you as he watched the Ponds with a satisfied smile. He exchanged a look at you and grinned. You couldn't help but chuckles.

  You smiled as you also played with baby Melody. You were in awe of the newborn. Amy jokingly called you to be the god mother of her baby. You smiled widely at her as you declared yourself to be the best aunt ever. Deep inside you feel guilty for ever resenting Amy before.

  You thought that will be the happy ending they need to wrap it up. But the Doctor said they can't leave the base until they figure out why they want Amy's baby. The Doctor left to meet Madam Vastra in the control room.

  You smiled as you watched baby Melody inside the Doctor's crib as Rory and Amy playfully argued with each other. You left to follow the Doctor once Amy have baby Melody in her arms humming a lullaby. You walked on the long corridor into the console room where you saw Madam Vastra and Dorium who went back to where the others are.

  Your smartphone suddenly rang. The contact said 'Home'. You received the call just as you are about to enter the room but stopped short when you heard the Doctor yelled at the monitor.

  It was Madam Kovarian. For someone who already lost, she sounded so smug. 

  "Oh Doctor, fooling you once was a joy, but fooling you twice the same way? It's a privilege." Madam Kovarian grinned evilly at him. before the communication shut off by itself.

  The Doctor looked confused at first before his eyes widened in horror but just as he turned around to leave the room, he bumped into you. He was surprised to see you and more surprised when he suddenly feel a sudden sharp pain in his body. His eyes widened in disbelief as he took a look at you.

  You were staring at him with blank eyes. On your hand, a bloodied knife make its contact with the Doctor's flesh body. 

  "(name)?"

  You pulled the knife out and then twist it back inside a few more times, still with a blank expression on your face.

  The Doctor gripped his wounds with his hands. He reached out to you with one of his bloodied hand, smearing his blood on your face before falling to the floor.

  You blinked your eyes a few times as the haze inside your mind finally cleared. You glanced down and screamed at what you saw. You quickly bend your knees as you fussed over the Doctor. The Doctor is not responsive.

  You ran into the console in front of you trying to use speaker system to call out Rory for help but for the life of you, you couldn't figure all the buttons. You finally figures it out and you screamed for Rory, telling him the Doctor is hurt. You have no idea though if your voice come through.

  It was then you notice the blood on your hands and the bloodied knife in your grip. You dropped the knife in horror as your mind slowly supplied what it meant.

  You couldn't breathe. Your heart pounding hard. Your head is splitting with a sudden sharp headache. You fell on the floor. You stared at your hands as your body trembled from shock and fear. You screamed. You screamed and screamed. Distinctly you know you should warn everyone, should get the Doctor the help he needed, but for some reason, you couldn't stop screaming.

  Your vision suddenly started to grew blurry before black is all you can see. Distinctly you saw the Doctor's body started to glow yellow just before you lose consciousness.

  7777

  You woke up inside your room back in the Tardis.

  "You are awake."

  Your mind does not register the presence of a man in black suit. You blinked a few times until your vision cleared. 

  The man stared at you flatly.

  "W-who are you?" You asked nervously clutching on your blanket.

  "The Doctor."

  You blinked in confusion. "What about him?"

  He raised his attack eyebrows at you, not impressed that you still not getting it. "I am him."

  Your mind went blank at that. It was then you remembered, finding the Doctor's bloodied figure on the floor. You gasped. "The Doctor...is dead..."

  "I'm really not. I regenerated. Well, that part was very surprising considering I should no longer have any regeneration left." The Doctor said.

  "I...I killed him."

  The Doctor stared at you, not contradicting your claim. He sat there, observing you as you cried, full on sobbing. He made no move to comfort you. He looked cross. 

  You sobbed tearfully. "What have I done?"

  He sighed. "Don't cry. I am no good at crying human."

  You glanced at him. "Are you really him? Are you really the Doctor?"

  "I already said I am." He said a tad harsh, making you flinched. "Get some rest. We will talk again once you refresh." He left the room.

  You watched him go and wonder if he hates you now. Well he has every reason to hate you, after all, you did kill his previous self.

  7777

  Amy and Rory are wary around you and you can't blame them. But they did filled you in about what happened that day.

  You were saddened when you found out they lost their baby and surprised at the revelation that River is actually Melody.

  The Ponds also have hard time accepting the new Doctor. He is so different from his previous self. For once, he claimed he now ban hugging. 

  River visited the Tardis via vortex manipulator and went to talk to the Doctor, flashing you a kind smile as she saw you.

  You followed her and eavesdrop on her conversation with the Doctor something about your brainwave pattern.

  The Doctor suddenly opened the door and pulled you inside. You nearly stumbled if not for his firm grip.

  "Doctor." River warned. "Be gentle."

  They explained that someone hacked your brainwave pattern causing you to do thing you normally would not do. He wants to inject you with some chip so that he can always monitor your brainwave pattern at all times and isolates whatever cause you to turn against the Doctor.

  You agreed because you don't want to put anyone else in danger. But you got the sense that this Doctor doesn't take no for an answer from you right now.

  "I don't understand how can someone hack into my brain like that? I think I would know if someone did something to me."

  "Would you? Even Amy herself has no idea she was kidnapped for so long..." River said.

  "Are you telling me that I am a ganger too?" You asked.

  "I think someone did something to you sometimes after the Ponds' wedding."

  "I would know, wouldn't I?" You asked brokenly. "How can someone mess with my mind like this and I have no idea? How can they made me hurt the D...hurt you? How can they make me a killer without my knowledge?"

  River glanced at you sympathetically. She knew how it feels to have no control over mind and body.

  The Doctor exhaled. "I have no idea. But I will find out. And when I do, I will make them pay for whatever they did to you." He said as he glanced at you. "That is a promise."

  7777

  You weren't coping well with the fact that you have taken the Doctor's life despite him able to escape death by regenerating.

  Despite the Doctor's promise to find whoever did this to you, he is mostly busy hunting down Kovarian. You can hardly begrudging the fact once again you are not his first priority. Melody is still need rescuing after all. And you prayed that they will find her soon. Even if apparently Melody will turned out okay as she will become River.

  River had told the Doctor to be discreet so that Kovarian will never find out that he has regenerated already.

  Everyone is still talking about Lake Silencio and the fact the Doctor died there in his eleventh form. 

  River had the idea of using the Doctor's ganger from their time at St.John's Base to trick the silence.

  And that is how you found yourself face to face with a ghost.

  Amy is happy to reunite with the ganger Doctor especially since he has the face of the raggedy man she knew and loved.

  You were happy too but mostly you are afraid of his reaction upon finding out that you had killed the Doctor that has the same face as him. So, you mostly keep your distance.

  You were hiding from both Doctors somewhere in the Tardis but the ganger Doctor somehow able to find you.

  "So, this is where you have been hiding..." He murmured as he glanced down at you who were sitting on the floor with a book.

  You glanced up at him. "Yeah, well, I can't find a hole to bury myself under so..."

  He sighed as he took a seat on the floor beside you. "It wasn't your fault..."

  You didn't bother replying to that statement because you didn't believe it.

  The ganger Doctor sat beside you, no words are exchanged. He glanced at you with sorrow in his eyes, making you unable to ignore with him or focus on your own book.

  "What?"

  "(name), you are forgiven, always and completely." He said as he hold one of your hands.

  "I thought that you said it wasn't my fault."

  "It is not your fault. But it seemed to me that you need to have forgiveness. So, I'm telling you now..." 

  You felt your face gotten hot as tears threaten to fell on your cheeks. "I wish he said it. Because the one I did wrong to is him."

  "He probably think you know that it wasn't your fault and that there is nothing to forgive." 

  "How can you be sure? He is no longer the same as you. He has different opinions for everything now."

  "He is still me, still the Doctor, just slightly different." He said. "Though that rules of him, of no hugging is rubbish."

  You chuckled at that.

  He beamed, satisfied being able to make you laugh a little.

  7777

  The presence of the ganger Doctor lessen your guilt a bit. You could almost lied to yourself that he is the Doctor that you lost. 

  And then you learned of what the Doctor and River planned for the ganger Doctor. They wanted him to take the Doctor's place to die in Lake Silencio.

  "Will he survive it?" You asked. You don't want to lose him. The first time is hard enough, you don't think you can handle it.

  No one answered you.

  You shook your head. "You can't just sacrifice him."

  "We have no choice. If we didn't the paradox will destroy half of the world... It was a fixed point in time. The Doctor dies at Lake Silencio."

  You glared at the Doctor. "You said all life matters. Are you saying ganger don't matter now?"

  "(name)..." River spoke up.

  "It isn't fair!" You yelled at them.

  The twelfth Doctor scoffed at you. "Life is never fair. If it is not because of you, I would still be in my previous form and I would be the one who die on that lake. Instead I died in the hand of a so called friend. Stab multiply times actually."

  "Doctor!!" River warned him with a glare at his harshness.

  You felt like you were being slapped. You glanced at his face, trying to hold back your tears. You left the room without a word.

  The ganger Doctor glared at the Doctor. "I sometimes forgot how stupid I can be..." He said coldly at the original. He turned to look after you.

  7777

  In order to trick Kovarian and the silence, the ganger Doctor has to take the Doctor's place and continue his merry way having adventures with his companions.

  You and Amy honestly loves it, it was like having the real him back. It was apparent that you both has a hard time getting along with the new Doctor.

  You reluctantly said your goodbye once again with the ganger Doctor as the time come for him to go to the Lake Silencio. Was it always been the ganger Doctor then who died at the beginning?

  You never able to mend your relationship with the new Doctor. He is just too cold, too unapproachable. 

  You wanted to leave. What was the point of staying when he doesn't even want you around? But he won't let you leave until he solve your brainwave pattern.

  He noticed that your brain chemicals seemed unbalance, making you get stressed out. He prescribed you with drug to combat it.

  But honestly you felt toxic. You didn't think you could stay with him in his Tardis or having adventures. You simply no longer have the energy for it.  You were done with the Doctor.

  River had begged you to stay. "Remember what I said at Stormcage, to hold on the Doctor? I need you to do that right now."

  "He doesn't need me. He has you, Amy and Rory. Why would he want me around, his killer?"

  River revealed that she is also the Doctor's killer. She told you that she is the person behind the spacesuit at Lake Silencio. She told you how she was born and raised to kill the Doctor. She said she understood you for she too has no control over her body when she shot the Doctor back then. And yet the Doctor forgives her.

  You were surprised. If what she said is true, then it makes sense why she seemed to have soft spot for you. But that is also meant she always knew that you will ended up killing the Doctor and she didn't say anything or try to stop it. You were a bit upset at her for that.

  "I can't interfere. Like I said, your future is my past. I can't change anything." River said. "No matter how much I want to."

  7777

  The Doctor glanced at your brainwave pattern at the monitor in the console room. He exhaled. He still has no idea how to fix you. Deep inside he was enraged at whoever screw you up just to get to him.

  He suspected it was Kovarian's scheme too at first but if it was really her, she would know by now that the Doctor has regenerated. It seemed his lies back in Lake Silencio worked out. 

  But he does think about the prophecy Dorium talked, something regarding Trenzalore. Has that prophecy become invalid then? As it spoke of the fall of the Eleventh and he has actually regenerated into his Twelfth form.

  He recalled his conversation with his ganger version. He had warned him to get his bearing together or he will end up losing you and the Ponds.

  Sometimes the Doctor wonder if he is still the Doctor. He felt disconnected from his usual Doctor persona.

  7777

  Following the ganger Doctor and River's advice, you tried to talk to the Doctor but it just hard. He made it hard. He is so stern and cold unlike his past version.

  You talked to Amy and Rory about it and they both agreed to try to bond with the new Doctor as best as they can. After all the Doctor is a dear friend. They have to try to reconnect with him. He is worth the effort.

  It was Amy that is able to break through the ice around the Doctor. You frowned as you saw Amy hugged him despite his protests. They were arguing before but Amy is able to get through him.

  You were jealous. No matter which Doctor, they always prefer Amy over you.

  The Tardis currently landed in Cardiff for refuel. You got out of the Tardis in daze with tears in your eyes. You walked for how long until you found yourself seated on a bench. 

  You snapped out of your daze when your smartphone is ringing. The contact 'Home' displayed on the screen. You received the call and everything turned black.

  7777

  "You are awake." A computer-generated voice called out to you.

  You jerked awake in confusion as you took in your new surrounding. 

  There is a monitor on the wall with a screensaver of sort that spelled GI.

  "Petta, report on the Doctor." The voice said.

  You were confused. Who is Petta?

  The voice repeated the command.

  "It won't work." The Doctor replied suddenly.

  You turned toward the Doctor in confusion but he paid you no mind as he glanced at the monitor.

  "Intruder alert. Intruder alert." The voice sounded an alarm.

  The Doctor look bored. "Don't bother. My friends has this base of yours surrounded by now." He said. "GI...right? Great Intelligence? Not that smart eh? Why don't you scan her?"

  You were scared now. "Doctor, what is going on?"

  A ray of light suddenly scanned you and the voice replied in monotone voice, "Non-human detected. Analysis showed a flesh ganger."

  You felt like you are being slapped. You are a ganger? "Doctor!!" You yelled at him.

  He finally turned to you. He walked toward you and touched the side of your forehead and a flashback memory assaulted your sense.

  You were back at the Demons Run watching yourself just after you found the Doctor's bloodied form. You watched as the you of that time frantically trying to call for help and then noticing the bloody knife on your hands. You had screamed as the realization of what you have done come over you. You watched yourself sobbed in despair and then you stabbed yourself.

  You gasped and jerked away from the vision. You don't remember doing that last part.

  You heard the Doctor is explaining to the Great Intelligence how his plan to get you to kill him failed and what he did to save you.

  The Doctor has just regenerated and the first thing he saw was your dying self. Despite still out of sort, he knew what he has to do. He managed to save you and then he put you inside the flesh technology on the lab at Demons Run.

  Your flesh self actually is somewhat free from whatever virus infecting your original self. The Great Intelligence had apparenty brainwash your original self to kill the Doctor and then yourself. With how they messed with your brain chemical, it was easy to make yourself commit suicide afterward.

  But the GI didn't count on the Doctor regenerating and able to save you. The Doctor had made a flesh ganger of you and set you as a bait to trap the GI to show itself.  The chip inside you is also serve as a tracker. That is how the Doctor is able to get here as fast as he is.

  The Doctor demanded that the GI undo what it has done to your original self. 

  The GI had laughed in that grating computer voice of it. The monitor show the sims-like man cartoon of an old man with sinister face, mocking the Doctor for his inability to fully save you.

  "The reason you made a copy of flesh ganger is because you know Petta will obey me and when she woke up to find you alive, she will have no choice but to kill you again and then herself." The GI grinned. 

  The Doctor look very cross but didn't deny the GI's claim. He started threatening the GI in his fury of the oncoming storm.

  You froze, still stuck on the loop of what the GI had said about your original self.

  Despite his carefully constructed plan, the GI had managed to escape from the Doctor's grasp albeit wounded through the computer virus the Doctor uploaded.

  The Doctor has no idea what even the GI is but he will not rest until he recapture him. He turned to look at you.

  "Does everyone but me know that I am not real?" You asked.

  The Doctor didn't reply at first but he eventually nodded.

  "Did the ganger Doctor also know?"

  The Doctor nodded again.

  You snorted. "So, everyone know and lie to me about it all."

  The Doctor didn't say anything.

  "Where is my real body then? Inside the Tardis, yeah? Where?" You asked him.

  "Does it matter?"

  "Where is my true body, Doctor?!" You screamed at him.

  7777

  It makes sense now. Amy and Rory were not wary of you. That was pity for you, of being the one in the dark, out of the loop. Everyone kindness was just a lie.

  You glanced at your original self lying weakly on the bed. Your life is still on the line it seemed. You often spend your time staring at yourself which probably isn't healthy but who cares?

  You made your way to the machine that held a life support system and considering to terminate it. 

  "Step away from it, (name)." You heard the Doctor's demand.

  "Why? Do you think this is what we want? Do you think we could live with it after being a killer?"

  "I am here. You are not a killer. And I will fix you."

  "And then what? You will erased my memory of the truth?"

  The Doctor didn't reply but something on his expression convinced you that it was indeed his plan.

  You scoffed in disbelief.

  "Why does it matter? Didn't my ganger self had told you already that you are forgiven?"

  "Even if you could, do you really think I could forgive myself? I will always be a threat to you!"

  "I swear to you no matter how long, no matter what, I will find a way to fix you. You can live a normal life." The Doctor pleaded. "Just don't do this. Don't throw it all away."

  "I'm sorry, Doctor."

  "I'm sorry too, (name)." The Doctor pointed his sonic screwdriver at you, much to your shock, and vaporizing you.

  The Doctor stepped toward the bed, staring at you with sorrow. "I will protect you, (name), even from yourself."

       A/N: As usual I ended up writing different from what I've planned and it probably not gonna making any sense again. Honestly, I always ended up not finishing my stories but not on purpose, mostly because i have no idea how to fill in the blank. i'm really bad at this. But writing when I have the boost for it is fun so I hope you have fun reading this too. Please leave comments if you like this. Take care of yourself, stay safe.

[the-essex-serpent-tv]

I have not read “The Essex Serpent” by Sarah Perry, so I don’t know if the snake it’s named for is real, a metaphor, regional folklore, or some combination of the three. I do know that the six-part Apple TV+ adaptation stars Claire Danes and Tom Hiddleston, gives off some serious “Wuthering Heights” vibes, and is built around love triangles and sexual tension you could cut with a knife. Honestly, that’s all I need to care about this show.

Adapted by Anna Symon (“Mrs. Wilson”) and directed by Clio Barnard (“Dark River”), the Victorian-set “Essex Serpent” follows the newly widowed Cora Seaborne (Danes) as she makes her way from London to Colchester, after hearing rumors that a mythical serpent has been sighted. For the first time since she met her emotionally and physically abusive husband, she’s able to pursue her passions, make new friends, and generally do as she pleases. Accompanying Cora on her adventure are her elementary-aged son and Martha (Hayley Squires), Cora’s socialist confidant. Martha works for Cora, although it’s unclear what her exact job is — the two are also so close that, watching the first two episodes, I wondered if they share a romantic history as well.

In any case, Cora, a natural history buff, starts asking around about the serpent, inspiring the ire of the locals and the frustration of Will Ransome (Hiddleston), a buff vicar. In an interesting spin on the whole rational thought v. faith dichotomy, man-of-the-cloth Will believes there’s a reasonable explanation for the serpent, that it’s something that’s been conjured up due to paranoia and fear of the changing times. On the other hand, Cora, a devotee of science, is more open to the possibility that the serpent is an ancient creature that somehow avoided evolution. The two of them are basically 1893’s Mulder and Scully.

Cora and Will don’t agree on much, yet they do like and respect one another, and their arguments have an underlying sexual spark. From the moment they meet, when a gruff, sweaty Will is trying to free a sheep stuck in the mud and flexing every muscle he has to do so, the pair have an undeniable connection. Unfortunately, this is complicated by the fact that Will is married and Cora has a flirtatious friendship going with Luke Garrett (Frank Dillane), a doctor back in London.

You can probably tell, but I’m much more into the romance novel aspects of “The Essex Serpent” than its central mystery. (Although, whether it’s figurative or literal, the fact that the story revolves around a snake — symbol of temptation and, uh, other stuff — means I probably should be more interested.) The townsfolk succumbing to hysteria, a witch hunt-in-the-making, discussion of living fossils — eh, that’s fine. But Danes and Hiddleston traversing Essex’s harsh terrain, all windswept hair, pink cheeks, and breathlessness as they debate science, faith, and myth — that’s what I’m here for.

The first two episodes of “The Essex Serpent” are now available on Apple TV+. New episodes premiere Fridays.

[mnemosyne-musing]

when you build your house then call me home (river/12)

Here on ao3

They lie back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and not saying a word. There are mere inches between them physically but it might as well be lightyears for all their connection in this moment.

 Still half-dressed, with sweat cooling on his body and his heart rate still pounding, the Doctor risks a sideways glance at River but she’s staring straight ahead and not meeting his eye. He glances away and steels himself. They need to talk about this. Laugh about it. Make a joke and try again and then it will all be fine.

 He takes a deep breath and rolls on to his side, one hand reaching out for her. But he’s too late and she’s already sat up, clutching the bedsheet to her as she turns away from him. His fingers close around empty air as she stands up from the bed.

“I’m going to take a shower,” she says quietly, still not looking at him as she pads over to the bathroom and closes the door behind her with a firm click.

 He stares at the closed door for a long moment before falling back against the pillows, letting his hand fall back over his eyes as a frustrated noise escapes his lips.

 They should’ve talked first. Dinner had been lovely but they’d skirted around any meaningful conversation. Ever since he’d told her ‘twenty-four years’. He’d suggested a walk to the towers afterwards but she’d shaken her head and they’d headed back to the TARDIS, the atmosphere now heavy and tense between them. Again, they should’ve talked but neither of them had been able to initiate the conversation and instead they’d fallen into their old patterns and stumbled into bed together.

 However, where previously they’d been able lose themselves in a lust-filled haze and avoid any awkward conversation amongst a litany of ‘gods yes’, ‘please’, ‘more’, ‘harder’, ‘oh yes, there…’. This time had been different. 

 This time there was a disconnect between them. His ring had caught in her hair. She’d fumbled over his shirt buttons. His nails had scratched her when trying to undo her bra. And had bras become more complicated? Foreheads had bumped, teeth had clashed, and not in a good way. He’d kneed her in the stomach, winding her in his haste then almost taken out her eye with his elbow. He’d thought his last incarnation clumsy but this performance made Bowtie look the picture of poise and elegance.

 And the sex itself? Well, that seemed to be over almost before it had begun. It had been a long time for him but he’s sure that River used to be more- well, more enthusiastic and certainly a lot more vocal.

 He lets out a long sigh and sits up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed as he shrugs his shirt back on. He casts another longing look at the closed bathroom door. What he would give in this instant for the confidence to stroll in there after her, pin her to the shower wall and lavish every inch of her with attention until she screamed his name in ecstasy.

 Instead, he turns towards the door. He would go make some tea. Perhaps that would help.

 --

 Tea did not help.

 He’d left a mug for her on her bedside table but when River didn’t reappear after her shower, he’d gone back to the bedroom in search of her. He’d found her curled up on top of the duvet, fast asleep with her hair still damp. He’d pretended not to notice the tear tracks on her face and had covered her with a blanket instead. Her now-cold, untouched cup of tea remained where he’d left it.

 That was two weeks ago. Since then, they’ve been dancing around each other and avoiding the subject. They haven’t even kissed, let alone had sex again. In fact, they’ve barely touched one another. It’s almost funny really. He’s been vehemently avoiding touching people this whole regeneration and yet he’d pretty much give up the rest of his lives if she’d just reach out for him now. If she’d take his hand, run her fingers through his hair, snog him silly or just brush against his shoulder the way she used to.

 But she doesn’t. He thinks she’s going to on a few occasions. She reaches out as if on autopilot, then catches herself and stops. Maybe she thinks he doesn’t want her touch anymore? Or, maybe she doesn’t want him? He’s no longer her youthful-looking, floppy-haired, dashing husband. Instead, he’s old and grey and so very, very tired.

 It’s this worry that keeps him up at night instead. It burrows into the pit of his stomach ‘til it makes him feel physically nauseous. He almost manages to bring it up in conversation. He opens his mouth numerous times to ask but his courage fails him at the last moment and instead he asks if she’s hungry. Or wants another cup of fucking tea.

 He’s ventured outside today without her for the first time since they landed here. There’s an estate agent with an office in the main town near the towers. If they are going to stay here then it might be nice for them to have real house.

 If they stay here.

 He refuses to think about that too deeply.

 He’s halfway down the end of the road when he realises he hasn’t got the shopping list River had handed him that morning. Swearing under his breath as he pats down his pockets, he turns on his heel and heads back to the TARDIS.

 He pushes open their bedroom door and wanders over to the dresser where he’d left the list, calling out for River at the same time. “I forgot the list. Was there anything else you-“

 He trails off as he catches sight of the open suitcase on the bed. Halting in his tracks, he takes in the piles of clothes packed neatly inside next to River’s spare blaster and various other possessions.

 “Doctor?”

 He looks around as River suddenly emerges from the bathroom carrying a robe and looking startled.

 “Are you-, are you leaving?” he manages to choke out, that feeling of nausea welling up inside him with renewed ferocity.

 “I-, well-“ River stutters, looking guilty before she squares her shoulders and glares defiantly at him, “I thought I’d spare you the indignity of a goodbye. I know how you hate them.”

 He stares at her aghast for a moment. “Spare me?” he repeats, his voice sounding too harsh as he notices her flinch, “You’re planning to sneak off while I’m out and it’s to spare me?”

 She purses her lips against a retort and turns away from him, packing the robe in her suitcase.

 “Don’t pretend you haven’t been planning your exit as well,” she mutters tersely, “I’m just saving us both the time.”

 “Saving us-? River, I-“ he angrily takes a step towards her, hardly able to believe what he’s hearing. He wants to grab and her and shake her until she listens to him properly. Shout at her that she’s being ridiculous and stupid and how on earth had they let it get to this.

 Suddenly his anger disappears as quickly as it had flared. He scrubs a hand tiredly over his face and sighs. “I’m sorry.”

 River looks up at him questioningly. “Sorry for what?”

 “I thought I was giving you what you wanted. I thought this,” he waves a hand vaguely around them, “This time was what I could give you.”

 “Doctor, it’s not that, it’s-“

 He ploughs on miserably, regardless of her interruption. “But it’s too late. I know that. You should be here with him.”

 He risks a glance up at her but she’s standing in front of him, hands on her hips and a confused expression on her face.

 “Be here with who?”

 “Other me. Bowtie,” he clarifies despondently, “I know you’d rather it was him here, but-“

 He doesn’t get a chance to finish that sentence as River’s palm catches him across his cheek.

 “Ow!” he stares at her indignantly, raising a hand to nurse his stinging cheek, “What was that for?”

 “That is the most singularly self-loathing yet self-pitying thing I’ve ever heard you say,” she snaps, glaring furiously at him, “And believe me, that’s saying something.”

 “Well, you didn’t need to slap me!”

 River ignores his comment and continues glaring at him. “Why would you think that?”

 He gestures vaguely with his other hand around the room. “Because, well, you know-“

 “It has never mattered to me which face you wear,” she retorts vehemently, pacing away from him as he stares at her, “You know that.”

 Suddenly feeling his anger flare up once more, he blurts out what’s been eating away at him these past two weeks. “Well, you’ve got a funny way of showing it!”

 “What?”

 He watches as she turns back towards him in confusion and instantly wishes he could take the words back. He’s not sure he can cope with her confirming his fears out loud.

 “What is that supposed to mean, Doctor?” she presses again, her voice sharp.

 He glances away for a moment before licking his lips nervously. “You-, you don’t touch me anymore,” he mutters, almost too quietly for her to hear and gods, it sounds pathetic even to his ears. No wonder she wants to leave him. “Not like you used to.”

 He risks a glance back at her, steeling himself for her admission.  Instead, she stares at him like he’s grown another head.

 “Because you don’t want me to,” she states matter-of-factly, like it’s the most obvious thing in the universe.

 He stares at her dumbfounded, shaking his head as if he’s misheard her. “Why on earth would you think that?”

 “Because you told me, Doctor!”

 “No, I didn’t!”

 She nods her head, frowning at him. “Yes, you did. You told me this body doesn’t hold hands, or do hugs. Or touching in general.”

 He throws his hands up in the air and virtually growls in frustration. “I didn’t mean you!”

 “Why not?” River shrugs. He thinks she’s trying to seem nonchalant but he can almost feel the tension radiating off her. “I thought you-, this body,” she waves a hand in his direction, “I thought you didn’t want me like that anymore.”

 “For heavens’ sake, River, of course I do,” he pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes in deeply, trying not to snap at her in his frustration, “You’re my wife. I love you. Of course, I want you.”

 He glances up at her with what he hopes is a sincere expression and then falters when he sees her staring, glassy-eyed back at him.

 “What?”

 She swallows heavily. “Nothing. It’s just-, you’ve never said it before?”

 He frowns at her. “Said what?”

 “You love me.”

 It comes out as barely a whisper but it stops him in his tracks. The same feeling of total self-loathing that had swept over him when she’d made her passionate declaration in front of Hydroflax now resurfaces with a vengeance.

 “Of course, I have.”

 She shakes her head and bites her bottom lip. “Well, once. But you were dying. And needed me to save you, so-“

 He gapes at her open-mouthed in horror. “But-, but you knew? You always knew. That I-, that I’ve always-“ he trails off as he watches her, her arms wrapping protectively around herself.

 “Yes. And no,” she shrugs again, clutching herself tightly, “Recently, it’s been difficult. You’ve been so young. And then Manhattan-“

  “But, it was all-, all those trips from Stormcage, all those dinners, every birthday, every anniversary. It was all because-,“ He closes his eyes in shame, cursing his younger self for every missed opportunity to tell her how much she really means to him. For ever leaving her in any doubt.

 “And now?” she asks tentatively after a moment, as if she’s afraid of the answer.

 “And now, what?”

 “You’ve seen me in my full glory,” she says, a hint of bitterness in her voice, steeling herself as if braced for his rejection, “’What I get up to’ as you put it, when you’re not there,” she throws his words from Hydroflax’s ship back at him.

 “River, I didn’t mean-“

 “I was happy to kill Hydroflax, Doctor,” she continues over him, lifting her chin defiantly and looking him in the eye, “I wouldn’t have regretted it.”

 “You’ve killed me as well remember, I thought that was just what you did with your husbands,” he quips, trying not to let the exasperation creep into his voice but she simply glares back at him.

 “Don’t be flippant, Doctor,” River snaps and he half expects her to slap him again but instead she turns away from him once more, chewing on her bottom lip with anxiety, “I can cope you know,” she adds more quietly, her fingernails picking absently at the sleeve of her shirt, “If you leave. It won’t break me. It will hurt. But I won’t break.”

 Another wave of self-loathing washes over him and he has to forcibly swallow the bile that rises to the back of his throat at her words. He watches as she keeps her gaze averted from him. He can tell she’s trying to stay strong, trying to keep it together but he can see how tightly she’s strung. He breathes in deeply before taking a small step towards her and then another one.

 “I know,” he says softly, watching as she tries not to flinch at his words, clearly preparing herself for the worst. He raises a hand and gently brushes the back of his fingers down her cheek so she glances up at him. “But it would break me.”

 There’s a small intake of breath as she tries to stifle a gasp, her eyes searching his desperately as she looks to see if he’s serious. “Doctor, you-“

 But he cuts off the rest of her sentence by pressing his lips to hers and softly kissing her. It’s a gentle, chaste kiss, completely unlike their frantic, biting kisses from before but he tries to convey everything he can’t quite say out loud to her. Just how much she means to him and how terrified he is of losing her.

 Pulling away, he rests his forehead against hers and gently swipes his thumb over her cheek, wiping away the single tear that’s spilled over.

 “I want this, River,” he whispers hoarsely, looking desperately down at her, “You, me, twenty-four years.”

 “But, you don’t really-“

 “I do,” the Doctor insists earnestly, “All of it. Every last sodding domestic detail. Sunday papers, breakfast in bed, evenings in front of the telly.  I want it. Hell, we can even get a cat if you want.”

 “I hate cats.”

 “Fine, no cats,” he deadpans before adding more seriously, “But the rest of it.”

 River stares up at him, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as if she can’t quite trust what she’s hearing. “All of it?” she asks hesitantly, “Because we don’t have to-“

 He frowns as she trails off. “Don’t have to?”

 She pauses for a moment before answering reluctantly. “Sex. I know you say you want me but I know tastes can change and I don’t want to make you feel-“

 Again, he cuts her off mid-sentence by kissing her. This time, the kiss is more demanding. He nips at her bottom lip and when her lips willingly part, his tongue slides against hers, tasting her as he stifles a groan. His free hand slips into her hair as she winds her arms around his neck and pulls him closer.

 When they pull apart this time, they are both breathing hard. Still catching her breath, River tries again, her hands sliding down to rest on his shoulders. “But, that first night here-“

 “Was a disaster,” he interjects firmly, “It’s been… a long time.”

 River quirks an eyebrow at him. “How long?”

 He pauses for a moment, looks away sheepishly then back to her. “Since you,” he admits, watching as her eyes widen before a slow smile spreads across her face, “I’m a little rusty.”

 River trails one hand down to the open neck of his shirt to toy with the top button. “Well then, sweetie,” she murmurs as she looks back up at him and the Doctor feels his hearts stutter in his chest. For the first time since they arrived, she’s not looking at him with a guarded expression on her face, like she’s waiting for him to disappoint her. She looks happy. “They say practise makes perfect. And we now have the time.”

 “We do indeed.”

 “Twenty-four years.”

 He leans in towards her, one hand gently cradling her cheek as he tilts her chin up towards him. “Twenty-four years,” he echoes against her lips as he kisses her again.

 --

[florida3exclamationpoints]

River's Return

Hello as you may know !! I love River Song very much and im watching DW for the "first time" but I have a lot of spoilers. I have not see The Husbands of River Song yet but i know a bit about what happens, I know that her and the Doctor spend a very long "night" on Darillium together. And with that said I will now explain how River can and absolutely SHOULD make her return to Doctor who.

River and the Doctor were on Darillium for something over 20 years. Which is plenty long enough to have a child and for him to grow up and leave Darillium. After River left, she went to the library and died, but was saved to the computer. But we know that people saved to the computer have the ability to be taken out. Here is my proposal. They had a kid (side note, any child of theirs would 1000% have the last name Pond), he went off once he was old enough, when he found out what happened to his mom, he went and took her out of the computer. EVEN BETTER, the Doctor told him what to do. This is EXACTLY how River can come back. The kid kept up with his dad/other mom so not only could go find her but could also take River to her. You know who wants River to come back??? Alex Kingston. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE yeah River may be Moffat's creation BUT Russel T. Davies was still showrunner during Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead so I have to assume that he also has a soft spot for her as most of us do. And he's coming back as showrunner!!!! Someone who is familiar with and probably loves River is coming back as showrunner which means he has power!!!!!! And this makes perfect sense!!!! If this doesn't happen i will kill everyone and then myself. And NO i will NOT be writing any fanfiction about this bc that is not what this deserves!!!! It deserves a whole cannon plot!!!!!! I will be satisfied with nothing less!!!!!! One small request for when this obviously gets taken to the screen, it must include a montage of River and Twelve on Darillium with their kid. Everyone help me bug Alex and RTD and anyone else with influence about this because I NEED IT

(Also before anyone says anything are there plot holes in this YES but when are there not in DW skdnskdbjs) the kid isn't necessarily necessary but I think it would be a good roundabout way to get River back. Also ik if it was as simple as taking her out of the computer then maybe Ten should have done it but maybe it's not that simple, but it is possible. And the kid is the one who tries bc the Doctor doesn't want to try and fail. I think that's the big thing, the kid is the one who tries. Yeah. Let's make this happen akdjksjs

[melodypond-thewomanwhomarriedme]

"Please believe me" for 11/river with lots of angst but a happy ending pleaseeeee :( I miss them so much :(

someone reminded me of the fact that 11 didn't tell cl*ra that river was his wife, or that he was married at all and it made me angry

The first thing she did when she regained consciousness was slap him.

It was instantaneous; one sharp slap as her expression contorted with rage and heartache as their eyes met. Her breathing grew heavy as she struck him, and though he expected it he still cried out in pain and stumbled a few paces back.

"How dare you," she hissed, and when he looked back up at her again, his hand covering his reddening cheek, he saw that she was quivering and her eyes were filled with tears. "How dare you, Doctor."

"River," he gasped, as she advanced on him dangerously again, getting out of the bed and striding calmly towards him. "River, I-"

"How could you trap me in that hell," she started, her voice quiet with fury, "and never return? No visits, no messages - I was in that computer for over a thousand years and you couldn't take a second away from your joyrides to even check if I was still there."

He gulped as she glared at him through her tears, still wearing that ridiculous garb she wore in Trenzalore, her hair like a majestic lion's mane against the bright lights of the medbay.

"I thought you would come back," she said, shutting her eyes. She seemed angry - but not at him this time. At herself. "I thought you would have the decency to just erase me if you couldn't find a way to save me. But you just went off gallivanting with your women. Did you even spare a thought for me at all? Or was I really just Professor Song to you?"

"Don't be - I - River - of course -" the Doctor stammered, but as she watched him, his cheek bright red from the force of her slap, she seemed to lose all the fight in her.

She turned back to the bed and leant on it, her shoulders hunched as she cried.

"I thought you would come back," she repeated, but instead of the fury with which she spat the words out before, now it was with a choked sob as tears poured out of her. "I waited for you. Every day I waited for you, until I realised that you wouldn't come. I was on my own. And then, after Trenzalore, it dawned on me - I was always on my own."

She turned and perched on the edge of the bed, looking at her husband with gaunt eyes and a wry smile.

"You never intended to save me, did you, my love?" she asked softly. "You trapped me there when we met but by the time we married you must have realised just how much I would have hated being in that data core - and yet you never had the decency to even see me there."

The Doctor shut his eyes and looked down. He didn't know what to say - she was right, about all of it. She didn't deserve him; she deserved a husband who loved her selflessly and he - he was the most selfish man in the universe.

"I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly, but it didn't sound enough.

"Did you even grieve for me?" she asked him, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer. "Or did you find some other young, pretty thing to impress? What was her name - Clara, was it? I hope you treated her well, my love." she laughed harshly. " Better than you treated me, anyway."

"Of course I grieved for you," the Doctor answered softly, his eyes still shut tight. He couldn't look at her. "I never stopped grieving for you."

But she shook her head. "You didn't even tell anyone about me. Like I never existed at all." she pointed out to him. "Clara didn't even know you were married - what did you tell her I was?"

He didn't answer for a moment. And then he mumbled, "An ex."

She nodded once. "Is that what you want me to be? An ex? Was that what it took for her to fuck you?"

The Doctor's eyes widened. "No, River -"

"I'm leaving," she interrupted. "If you want me to be an ex, then I'll be one. I've spent too much of my life trying to be someone you can love, Doctor. I'm not about to squander my second chance at living on someone who never wanted me in their life."

"Stop," he whispered.

"Why?" she challenged, eyes blazing. "You know it's true. I gave everything up for you. I gave my lives to you - every single time, I was there for you. And you couldn't even-" she closed her eyes and swallowed as more tears escaped. "You couldn't even get over yourself to visit me. Just admit that it's over, Doctor. Because I am so tired of hurting over this - over you."

"It's not over," he said softly, staggering towards her. His eyes were blinded with tears as he dropped to his knees and held her hands. "It's not over, River. You're right - you deserve better than me. You've given me so much that I don't deserve - and I couldn't - I'm not -" more tears escaped and he took in a shaky breath as he continued. "You asked if I grieved for you. I couldn't - after our last night, I didn't leave the Tardis for over a century. I held your pillow to sleep because it smelled like you. I drove myself crazy because I missed you so much it felt like my hearts were being ripped apart."

He looked up at her and kissed the back of her hands. She was watching him and crying silently, red rimmed eyes cautious but hopeful. But he could still see how betrayed and heartbroken she felt, and he wished that he was a better man.

"I'm sorry." he repeated again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You deserve a billion apologies after what I've done to you and it still wouldn't be enough." He pressed another shaky kiss to her skin and she felt his lips quivering against her. "When I found out you escaped, I - I couldn't get there fast enough. I was so - so unbearably happy, River. Happier than I'd ever been. It was like my hearts stopped ripping themselves apart."

He sighed, heavy and remorseful, as he looked down and shook his head. "But I don't deserve you. You're right, River. I didn't tell anyone about you. But only because - because every time I thought about you, all the pain would come flooding back. It reminded me that I could never be with you again. So I didn't tell anyone - it wasn't because - I didn't do it so I could -"

"Are you sure?" she asked, her voice gentler than it had been since she woke up. "She liked you, you know. I could see it. And my love, you are not as innocent as you like to pretend. If she's who you're with now and I've showed up and complicated things, just tell me."

His head shot up and he held tightly onto her hands as he answered with a firm, "No. It's not like that, River. I - not since - I couldn't. Please believe me. Please, River."

"But she-" River frowned. "So you didn't fuck her?"

The Doctor flinched at her curse, but shook his head. "There was never any chance of it."

River looked doubtful but didn't say anything. The Doctor sighed and stood, sitting next to her. She didn't move away but she didn't turn towards him either.

"I didn't forget you. You were everywhere, River. I could hear your voice in my head, telling me that I left the brakes on or scolding me for being so slow." he said. She remained motionless, looking down at her lap. "I know I haven't given you any reason to believe me, but I do love you, River. You're my wife. And I - I'm so happy to see you. I'm so happy that you're alive and breathing and - and free. And if you want to remain free, I won't stop you."

At that, she turned to look at him, her eyes slightly widened in shock. He continued, smiling reassuringly at her.

"You choose what you want, dear. I won't stop you. I can be in your life as your husband, or a friend, or," he paused, as though even thinking the words were hard. "Or I can not be in your life at all. I won't blame you if you choose that. But I wouldn't be a selfish old man if I didn't at least try to convince you to stay."

"Doctor," she whispered, but she didn't seem to know what to say.

"I will be better," he whispered, fresh tears springing into his eyes as he gazed at her. His expression was one of hopeful desperation - she recognised it from when they fought together and were on the brink of losing. She never realised she was something he wanted to fight for. "If it's for you, I know I can be better. Please let me try. You don't owe me anything - God knows I don't deserve this at all - but I swear, River, I'll do everything I can for you."

He reached out to touch her cheek lightly, wiping her tears away. "I've missed you so much. I love you so, so much, River."

He leaned towards her but before he could blink she threw herself into him, sobbing into his chest as she clutched tightly at him. His arms wound themselves around her automatically and he found himself holding her, stroking her hair and shushing her.

"Whatever you choose, dear," he whispered soothingly to her, rubbing her back as she shook in his embrace. "Just remember that I love you. Please, don't forget that."

She cried and cried and cried until she couldn't anymore, until tears refused to fill her eyes again. She felt so conflicted but she knew herself - she knew that there was never any choice to begin with. It was only ever him, the Doctor. Her stupid husband.

'You don't have to choose now," he told her softly, as she stopped shaking and simply rested her head against the wet spot on his chest where she cried. "Think about it for a while."

"I don't have to. I know what to choose," she mumbled against his chest. She pushed herself up and looked into his eyes, her hand reaching up to brush his hair out of his eyes. "Just please, don't make me regret it."

His eyes burned with more tears at the realisation that she was choosing him. He sniffed and dropped his forehead onto hers, hugging her tightly to him.

"I don't deserve you," he whispered again. "River, my wife, my partner - my equal. How could I ever fall in love with anyone after spending centuries loving you?"

She smiled against him. "Don't be an idiot, sweetie."

Their lips met for the first time in centuries.

[stewblog]

OLD (2021)

M. Night Shyamalan needs to let someone else write his movies.

The central concept of Old is fantastic. “An exotic beach inexplicably makes everyone who visits it age at a highly accelerated rate” sounds like a fun scenario to watch. It also seems like a setup rife with interesting thematic avenues to explore. So it’s incredibly disappointing that Shyamalan only occasionally taps into the juice of the premise while all but ignoring anything that would otherwise give the story any amount of dramatic or emotional heft.

We’re led into the film by a family on vacation. The mother, Prisca (Vicky Krieps), “miraculously” finds online some heretofore unknown fancy schmancy hotel in an unnamed exotic beach location. But Prisca is there just to soak up the sun. She and her husband, Guy (Gael Garcia Gernal), will have an easier time breaking the news of their impending divorce if their two kids, Maddox (Alexa Swinton) and Trent (Nolan River) have had a few days in paradise first. They’re told by a friendly concierge that he’s giving them exclusive access to a private, hidden beach. Who could turn that down?

They’re not alone, though, as two additional families find themselves on the beach and I suppose this is where the script really begins to buckle under its own weight. We have 11 characters total, all vying for time and attention. And while some exit the story sooner than most, it still feels like too many people vying for attention, especially when you consider that there’s essentially no real story to begin with. It has the trappings of an Agatha Christie-style whodunnit, but those at least are driven by the likes of a Miss Marple or Inspector Poirot. There is no single driving personality here, no one character we can ever look to for any kind of a narrative or thematic focal point to center the proceedings.

Whose story is this? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I’m not sure Shyamalan could either, honestly. None of these characters have any real defining qualities beyond their surface level identifier of doctor, mother, kid, teen, gold-digging trophy wife, rapper named Mid-Sized Sedan, etc. The only thing driving the film forward is the central mystery and even that only remains interesting for so long when there are no characters worth investing in or rooting for. There’s about enough material here for a solid 30-45 minutes of television. Had Shyamalan made this an episode of The Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits, it would likely be considered an instant classic. But as is, the limited material is stretched far beyond its capacity to sustain interest. There are some moments of body-related horror that stick out, but those moments are fleeting and far between.

Tying it all together into a package that is, at times, simply excruciating to watch is the utterly abhorrent dialogue. I can’t remember the last time I saw a professionally made film with dialogue this poorly written and delivered. Though I suppose I should be far less hard on the actors tasked with reciting words this amateurish. It’s as though the script was written by an artificial intelligence program that had no real understanding of how actual people converse or even talk.

My perception of Old might have been salvaged at least minimally if the ending hadn’t gone so hard into explaining everything. Once the reveal is made, it makes sense in context but then it just...keeps explaining things. I wouldn’t go so far as to suggest that nothing be explained, but leaving things with a more sinister or even minimally mysterious edge would have done wonders for how thin everything before it ends up feeling.

It’s been nearly 20 years since Shyamalan released his last universally liked film (Signs in 2002), and yet I still have yet to be able to put my finger on what or why it all went wrong. He’s been on the outs, as it were, in terms of perception for too long for his bafflingly bad output to be the result of ego. And it’s not like he hasn’t made a few good things between Signs and now. I’ll readily defend his script for Devil (yes, the demon-possessed elevator movie). But on the whole, I’ll likely never be able to reconcile the fact that the guy who made a stone-cold, pop culture-defining classic his first time at-bat theatrically with The Sixth Sense could fall so hard, and just...keep falling, for the most part.

Is Old the worst thing Shyamalan has made? Almost certainly not. Even The Happening can be enjoyed as a gloriously stupid b-movie and it’s hard for a bar of failure to be lower than The Last Airbender. But Old may be the film that feels like a strong case of a wasted opportunity, and that stings more than a disastrous failure.

[riversofmars]

Well whenever ya get to it.. maybe a fic where 13 comes across River in a bad mood because River and 12 had a fight? Lol, I suppose it could be the same fight that led to 12 sulking with otters and at the end 13 drops River off with 12 so they can make up.

Thank you! I really hope you like what I did with it! <3

Word count: 2600

Rating: G

Read on AO3 or below

A Stolen Moment

“Step away from the bars!“

Yaz remained seated in the poison cell, she wasn’t stupid enough to get in the guard’s way as they slid open the iron bars.

“You know you’re really going to regret this. I was going to let you live once I get out of here but now, I’ll make sure I kill you first.“ A woman was shoved into the cell who regarded the guard with a threatening glance. The guard, however, just laughed at her threat and locked the door again. “Mark my words!“ She called after him but didn’t get a response. “Well, that’s just rude.“ The woman huffed and had a look around the cell. It was pretty cramped, twelve prisoners last time Yaz had counted. “You lot seem like a whole lot of fun.“ The new arrival stated as everyone carried on waiting in silence. When she didn’t get a response, she turned back to examine the lock. Yaz watched with mild interest, though she couldn’t make out much, the woman’s impressive curls were blocking her view.

“We’ve all tried, it’s really not that easy…“ Yaz spoke up at last, drawing her attention.

“Well, you could say I have some experience with being locked up. A prison has not been invented that can hold me for any length of time.“ The woman gave Yaz a confident wink. “Now, if only I had my trowel…“

“You want to dig your way out of here?“ Yaz frowned confused. The cell was solid rock all the way around.

“It does more than just dig.“ The woman replied in an off-hand sort of way.

“Well, I’m waiting for a friend of mine who will break me out very soon, if you just hang tight, I’m sure she will be here in no time.“ Yaz revealed as she watched her continue to fiddle with the lock. If she carried on, the guards might come back and make things more difficult for the Doctor once she got here, so she thought it best to stop her.

“Is that so?“ The woman looked around, raising her eyebrows at her.

“Yes and if you try and break out now, you’ll end up drawing attention to us and that’ll probably make it harder for her, so…“ Yaz decided it was best to be honest. They had the shared interest of getting out of here, she she figured honesty would be the best policy.

“Fair enough. I guess I can hang on.“ The woman decided after brief consideration. She turned away from the metal bars and made her way over to Yaz who was wedged in between two aliens that she hadn’t encountered before. The mystery woman, however, despite her human appearance, seemed to know her way around aliens. She barked some orders in a completely foreign language at the alien to Yaz’s right who surprisingly budged over to make room for her. “Professor River Song.“ The curly haired woman introduced herself as she sat next to Yaz. It was a tight squeeze so she elbowed the alien to scoot up further. “When did your friend say this rescue mission would take place?“

“She didn’t.“ Yaz admitted. Her and the Doctor had been split up a while ago but she knew she would come for her eventually. “But she’s very reliable at this sort of thing. I’m Yasmine Kahn, Yaz is fine though.“

“Well, Yaz, if your friend doesn’t turn up in an hour, I’ll get us out of here myself, how’s that for a compromise?“ River said and Yaz chuckled:

“Sounds good.“

“What are you in for? You’re not from around here. I know a 21st century Earth jacket when I see one.“ River carried on, looking her up and down.

“How do you…“ Yaz’s face fell. In all her travels with the Doctor, no-one had realised they were time travellers, at least not this quickly and not on their own accord.

“I have an eye for these things.“ River smirked. “So you are a time traveller then, time agent perhaps? How did you get stuck in here?“

“Well, my friend and I we’e trying to solve the mystery of who assassinated the crown prince and now, they think it was us.“ Yaz sighed. This was always the way, things were never just straightforward, were they?

“Classic mistake, never interfere with the monarchy.“ River chuckled.

“What are you in for?“ Yaz asked curiously.

“Ah, you know, the usual…“ River gave a wave with her hand. “Had a fight with my husband, so I naturally came to a planet known for it’s exquisite jewellery to treat myself. Found this lovely pair of earrings, fifteen thousand credits but worth it and the charlatan of a seller exchanges it for a fake as he's wrapping them up for me. Thinking I wouldn’t notice.“ River rolled her eyes. “If you want to trick me you have to try a bit harder than a simple slide of hand. Obviously I called him out on it and perhaps the argument got a little out of hand…“ She sighed thinking back to the unfortunate incident. “But I wasn’t going to waste fifteen thousand credits of my husband’s money that he doesn’t even know he owns. He has no concept of money, I have no idea who he thinks is paying for our suit on Darillium, so I set it all up for him, another thing that ridiculous man has no concept of… Anyway, the argument got out of hand when I pulled a gun on him, apparently that’s not something they do on this planet even if you’re the wronged party in a jewellery deal.“ She sighed concluding her story.

“Right…“ Yaz wasn’t sure what else to say.

“I did steal the jewels mind. Wasn’t going to get cheated twice.“ River winked and pulled out a pair of beautiful crystal earrings.

“Wow they’re…“ Yaz was in awe and some of the prisoners looked around, taking an interest, but River was quick to return them to her pocket and shoot threatening glances all round.

“Beautiful, I know.“ She smiled, returning her attention to Yaz.

“So uh… your husband, will he come looking for you?“ The girl ask, amused by River’s description of her spouse, he sounded like a bit of a handful.

“Probably not. He went off to sulk as well…“ River shrugged.

“Maybe he's gone shopping, too?“ Yaz suggested and River chuckled:

“No, I believe he said he was going to live with otters for a while.“

“Must have been a big fight…“ Yaz wasn’t sure whether she was being serious or not but in the far reaches of space, anything was possible.

“It was honestly not even a big deal. I was just telling him about this expedition I wanted to go on and he got all funny about it. He got all like We’re time travellers, River, you don’t have to do this expedition now, you can do it later, it’ll always be there, waiting.“ River mimicked in a heavy Scottish accent, rolling her eyes.

“You’re a time traveller too?“ Yaz asked in surprise. It certainly explained why she had been so quick to catch on.

“Hence the keen eye for period clothing.“ River confirmed with a smile. “And yes, obviously, he’s right. I can go whenever I please but I was getting excited about it. I’ve always wanted to go to the Library, it’s so big, it doesn’t even have a name, you know, just a great big THE. But no, he insisted I at least stay till the end of the night and I don’t like being told what to do. And he doesn’t like to be told what to do either. And yes, it was a silly thing to argue about but I don’t take kindly to criticism and he’s such a manchild! Honestly, that’s the word we should get from him, not Doctor, wise man my arse…“ River went off on a bit of a rant, it seemed she still wasn’t quite over the argument just yet.

“Doctor…“ Yaz echoed, a little confused.

“My husband, the Doctor…“ River nodded.

Oh right, you said you were a professor, are you both academics?“ Yaz asked.

“Not quite. Doctor is what everyone calls him, I’m afraid his real name is a bit of a secret that I can’t reveal.“ River explained slightly amused. “But if you’re a time traveller… if you’re with the time agency, you must know about the Doctor.“ She realised. “And about me“

“I uh…“ Yaz didn’t know what to say, her head was spinning. Where they really talking about the same Doctor? “The Doctor, a time traveller…“

“Blue box, ridiculous clothes?“ River prompted her.

“Yes, of course I know the Doctor…“ Yaz tried her best to hide her shock at the revelation. “I just didn’t know about you…“ The Doctor had never mentioned a Professor River Song before. And River seemed to think the Doctor was a man. So she had to be from her past. The Doctor had mentioned many times about how she had been a man before so it made sense. She had neglected to mention she had been married though.

“Well, that’s either a very rude oversight by your agency or incredibly flattering that my existence is classified.“ River chuckled.

“I uh… I’m not with any sort of agency…“ Yaz decided it was probably best to come clean.

“Then how are you travelling through time?“ River frowned but Yaz didn’t get a chance to respond, suddenly, an explosion up the corridor shock the building.

“Sorry, that was a bit more obvious than I had planned!“ The Doctor sprinted up to the bars and worked the lock. “Sorry to keep you waiting Yaz!“

“Doctor?“ Yaz looked up in shock, she hadn’t expected her to turn up out of the blue. River’s head whipped around to Yaz and then she looked to the blonde who was just sliding the bars open.

“River?“ The Doctor looked back at River in shock. There was a moment of stunned confusion and the other prisoners took advantage of it. They jumped up from their seats and rushed out of the cell, nearly knocking the Doctor over. Yaz looked in between the two woman back and fore, not knowing what to say. This confirmed that they were clearly talking about the same Doctor and the way the Doctor’s face lit up for seeing River, Yaz could only conclude that she had been telling the truth about their relationship.

“Did you really wait to regenerate again before looking for me? Only you would sulk an entire lifetime!“ River jabbed her finger at the Doctor who was about to throw herself into her arms..

“I… what?“ The Doctor’s face fell.

“Our fight on Darillium about the Library! How long have you been sulking for? Did it kill you?“ River huffed crossing her arms in front of her chest, refusing the hug the Doctor was clearly craving.

“That… this is where you came after that fight?“ The Doctor exclaimed as the penny dropped.

“Yes! Buy myself some nice earrings. Well, when I said buy, I mean steal… where did you go?!“ River shot back, deflecting before she could scold her for stealing.

“I told you, to go see my otter friends!“ The Doctor retorted and Yaz just shook her head to herself. This conversation was getting more ridiculous by the second.

“You actually did that?“

“They’re good listeners!“ The Doctor replied defensively. “Didn’t even stay that long… just until you came and apologised.“

“That doesn’t sound like something I would do.“ River shook head.

“Yes, in hindsight, it really doesn’t. I guess this is why… guess it’s cause we meet and I convince you to go back…“ The Doctor gave an awkward smile and River huffed:

“And what is it you’ve got to say that will convince me to apologise to your past self?“

“He’s just scared.“ The Doctor shrugged. “Really really scared. We just found this wonderful life together, this reprieve from the running and the fighting… he’s just not ready to give that up yet… just let him have that night, the whole night, before you go anywhere…“ She held out her hand to her.

“I wasn’t really going to go right that moment…“ River mumbled, trying to gloss over how much of an effect her words had on her. Reluctantly she placed her hand in hers and the Doctor gave it a comforting squeeze.

“I know that now, he didn’t at the time.“ The Doctor smiled apologetically.

“I hate you…“ River huffed refusing to feel the magnitude of it all. This was a future Doctor, one she had never met before, one that knew how the night on Darillum would end and whether it really was the last time she would see them.

“No you don’t.“ The Doctor chuckled and pulled her into her hug. She held her close and closed her eyes the hide the tears pooling in them. River would pick up her past self from the far side of Darillium, where the white-haired scotsman was currently playing with otters, and they would continue their long and last night together. And then she would go to the Library… it was all written, no more time left. This was a stolen moment, nothing more. The Doctor pressed a kiss to the side of her wife’s head and nuzzled into her bouncy curls that were soft and familiar as ever.

“As much as I hate to interrupt… I’m sure someone would have heard that explosion…“ Yaz awkwardly cleared her throat. She didn’t want to intrude on what was clearly a very emotional moment - one that she would have to quiz the Doctor on at a later date - but they probably should get moving.

“How about a spin in the Old Girl, Professor Song?“ The Doctor pulled herself away at last.

“Why not, for old time’s sake.“ River chuckled and nodded. “Are you sure I really apologised to you?“

“I remember it quite clearly.“ The Doctor grinned. “I also remember we ended up swimming in a lake…“

“I didn’t bring a bathing suit.“ River raised her eyebrows and the Doctor winked:

“Exactly.“

“That, on the the other hand, very much sounds like something I would do.“ River smirked. “Perhaps you and me can go for a little dip ourselves first… just, you know, make sure I actually can swim…“ She carried on suggestively.

“Okay, enough of the flirting, can we please get out of here?“ Yaz exclaimed wishing she was anywhere but here.

“I think I’m embarrassing your friend here, Sweetie.“ River chuckled, giving Yaz an apologetic smile. “To the TARDIS?“

“Let’s get you back to your husband.“ The Doctor agreed in amusement.

“You are her husband.“ Yaz exclaimed.

“And every time our paths cross, I wonder how I got so lucky.“ The Doctor grinned, trying to make light of the situation and not think about how this probably really was the last time she would see her.

“Look at you being charming.“ River smirked.

“Fine, just kiss already, so we can get a move on.“ Yaz groaned in annoyance and glanced down the corridor to make sure they were alright for the time being. When she looked back, she immediately regretted it. The Doctor had buried her hands in her wife’s impressive curls, River had already pushed the Doctor’s coat off and was pulling her braces down. Neither of them was paying any attention to Yaz or where they were. They were kissing feverishly.

“Right, you guys just carry on, I’m gonna go meet you back at the TARDIS… I can wait… guess the otters can too… you have a time machine after all…“ Yaz knew they really weren’t listening so she quickly turned away and hurried down the corridor in search of the TARDIS.

[cicinicole-14]

denial isn’t just a river in egypt!

so listen, nina (@doc-pickles) got an ask on tumblr about jo being pregnant and in denial about it and Alex comes back and sees her etc and we’d talked about it forever ago and then it was brought up again and I just had so much inspiration for it so bam here we go.

also my original plan for this fic flew completely out the window and somehow this happened instead so like, good luck, hope yall enjoy!

This was not how this was supposed to happen. This was not how her life was supposed to go.

She was supposed to take the test, find out it was positive, happily get to surprise her husband that they would be having a baby, or be standing right next to him as they both read the results as a happily married couple.

Not like this…

Not by herself in the dirty gas station bathroom because she was too terrified that Schmidt would find the test in the loft bathroom, or too many people could find out if she ran a blood test at the hospital.

So she’d run into the dimly lit gas station bathroom, just like she’d done last time she was pregnant, having a sickening feeling of deja vu as she waited for the results, honestly not sure why she was even bothering because she knew what the test was going to read…

Sure enough, three minutes later when the alarm on her phone pulls her out of her zoned out daze, there are two very prominent pink lines staring back up at her from the little stick. She tosses it into the trash and washes her hands, careful not to touch much of the bathroom to get out as clean as possible before pulling her mask back over her nose and mouth and exiting the dingey gas station.

Before she can even make it back to her car, she hurries to the trash bin posted out front of the convenient store and hovers over it, pulling her mask down and holding her hair out of her face before she’s heaving the contents of her stomach into the bin below her, trying not to touch the gross can.

This was nowhere close to how this was supposed to happen.

She sits in the waiting room of the clinic the next morning, her eyes scanning over the two visibly pregnant women each in a chair and a girl who couldn’t be older than twenty-one, sitting across from her, bouncing her leg nervously and scrolling on her phone. Jo picks at the hangnail on her thumb, watching as it reddened until it started to bleed before her name was called.

Her head lifts up and she stands, following the assistant back, confirming her legal name, date of birth and reason for the visit, before following directions and sitting on the exam table, waiting for her to leave before she changes into the paper gown.

She’s been through this before. She remembers the routine. Her doctor returns to the room once she’s gowned in the itchy paper and seated back on the exam table with her legs in the stirrups. She doesn’t pay enough attention to listen to what her doctor is saying, but there’s the procedural task of having the transvaginal exam and before long she’s doing everything she can to tune out the fluttering heartbeat echoing through the tiny exam room to confirm she was indeed pregnant.

It makes her feel nauseous.

She didn’t want it to be this way. She didn’t want this to happen like this. When had it all gone so wrong?

She swallows the bile back down and before long her doctor is informing her she needs to make another follow up appointment to schedule her procedure.

Jo nods in confirmation before the doctor is leaving and she’s left to change back into her own clothes, mind still in a complete blur.

She doesn’t remember much of walking back to the front of the clinic and scheduling her follow up appointment, but there’s a reminder card in her hand she clips to the visor in her car as she makes her way back to the loft, wanting to just sleep the rest of the day, week, month away…

“Are you calling in sick to work today again?”

She doesn’t give Levi a clear answer, just a groan, before rolling over back under the comforter.

“Because it’s raining and I was hoping I could bum a ride from you.” He continues on.

She turns to face him, glaringly. Not happy that he was disturbing her. “You can take my car but if there’s so much as a scratch on my baby, I’ll eat you alive.” She growls, tossing him her keys.

“Noted.” He acknowledges.

“And tell Bailey I’ll be back next week. I just… I need some more time.” She says softly.

He nods, sliding open the loft door and exiting.

And Jo barely waits for it to close before she’s bolting out of bed to the bathroom, curling over the toilet and emptying the contents of her stomach into it. She hopes Schmidt was far enough away to have not heard her puking her guts out. She didn’t need him to know.

Her hope is short lived though, by the time Levi walks in the loft late that evening, nudging her out of her slumber with a small card in one hand and a bag of food in the other.

“Jo?” He whispers timidly. He feels bad waking her up, but he knows she’s slept all day and probably hadn’t eaten. “I brought cheeseburgers and fries.” He said, holding up the bag on display.

And it doesn’t take a moment before she’s lurching out of bed, pushing him out of the way before she’s hurdling into the tiny bathroom again to throw up at just the smell.

“I’m sorry!” He repeats profusely, apologizing. “I didn’t know you were actually sick, are you okay?” She shakes her head, not wanting him to worry.

“I’m fine. Just, can you take the onions away from me?” He nods, tearing open the sandwich he’d gotten for her and picked off the onions, tossing them into the trash.

She thanks him before sitting down on a barstool now, sipping water to help quell her stomach before reaching for one of the greasy french fries in the bag and dipping it in ketchup. And then her eyes land on the appointment card she’d forgotten about from her car.

“I left your keys on the end table near your purse and put gas in your car. Thank you again for letting me take your car. Happy to report, zero scratches on her. Tip top shape.”

She makes a humming noise, confirming that she heard him, but her eyes are still glued to the card sitting next to their burger bag.

“I uh- I found that on your visor. I didn’t know–” “I’m not.” She cuts him off before pushing herself back from the stool and throwing her food away, barely having touched it, and crawling back into bed.

“Okay.” Levi says quietly, understanding she didn’t want to talk about it at the moment, so he drops the subject, continuing eating his food as Jo rolled over in bed, covering her body with the duvet.

She adjusts the PPE gear over her clothes and ducks into Meredith’s room on the ICU floor, taking a seat in the chair next to her.

She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out yet. So she pauses, wiping her sweaty palms over her thighs before letting them rest.

Her phone rings, startling her, and she looks at the caller ID, seeing the clinic’s number flashing on the screen probably calling her to tell her she’s late for her appointment that she didn’t plan on showing up to.

“I’m not supposed to be here right now. I’m supposed to be somewhere else.” She says, quietly. She doesn’t even know if Meredith could hear her, but she just needed to talk to someone, someone who wouldn’t look back at her with pity or disappointment making her feel guilty.

“I’m supposed to be sitting on an exam table right now on the other side of town as they made this all go away, but instead I’m sitting here with you and I don’t even know if you can hear me.”

She swallows back the lump in her throat, determined not to cry.

“It’s been twelve and a half weeks since I’ve last seen him, you know?” She takes a shaky breath, moving to the edge of her chair and resting her forearms on Meredith’s bed. “And twelve weeks and two days since we were last together. And I know that, because instead of sitting on that stupid exam table making this all go away, I’m choosing to hold on to the only piece I have left of him, because I can’t do it, Meredith. I can’t do this. I can’t do this without him, I don’t want to. He’s supposed to be here. We were supposed to be a family together. We didn’t tell anyone yet, but we’d just decided to start trying and then he left me. And I thought I couldn’t feel more broken until those two pink lines showed up last week and I felt like my world was caving in on me. Everything is falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this, but I can’t, I can’t just undo it now, can I?”

She knows she’s not going to get an answer, but it doesn’t matter because her mind’s already made up.

She slides back into the chair and lets her hands rest back on her thighs as she sits in silence, just listening to the ventilator breathe for her friend.

U awake?

No

Can i come over?

Sure

Is everything okay?

Honestly, she doesn’t know what she’s doing, standing at Jackson’s apartment door at almost eleven at night. They hadn’t had sex again in weeks, since before she’d…and she hadn’t even been to work all week either.

It didn’t matter though. She was fine. She was returning to work the day after tomorrow and no one even knew except for Schmidt, who she knew assumed she went to the appointment anyway. What he didn’t know wouldn’t kill him. It was all going to be fine.

What she didn’t assume was the fact that Jackson had peeled her shirt off after a heated make out session and his hands landed on the swelling bump she didn’t realize was there.

She’s a doctor, and she knew post-second trimester, changes happen and bumps form, but she pushed that all to the back of her mind. She ignored it. And apparently hadn’t noticed it while getting dressed today.

But Jackson pulls back from the kiss, furrowing his brow, hand still on her bare stomach for a moment before Jo begins pulling away and grabbing for her shirt off the back of the couch.

“I’m not… It’s not, it’s not yours.” She rushes out, pulling her shirt back on.

Jackson laughs dryly for a moment. “Yeah I’d hope not, you look a bit further along that we’ve been sleeping together, unless you’re having twins. You’re not having twins, are you?”

“I’m not having a baby.” she says sternly and Jackson takes a moment to scratch at the stubble on his chin, clearly confused before Jo continues. “This wasn’t how things were supposed to happen. I’m not having a baby.” She repeats, firmly, before gathering her phone off the coffee table and picking up her purse, heading for the door.

“Jo, wait, hey.” He tries, trying to stop her. “We don’t have to talk about it.” He reassures.

She hesitates, her hand holding the door open, still ready to leave, but she lets it slip, and it shuts quietly.

“Just, have you been checked out by someone? Carina? Anyone?”

She doesn’t give him an answer, just the soft click of the door as she opens it back up and walks out.

She’s been back at work the past month, thankfully able to avoid most people by sticking to the maternity ward, focusing on switching her specialty. Though she didn’t know what was worse, being nagged by friends who knew and trying to dodge them or being haunted by the multitude of patients she was helping deliver.

Jumping back and forth between the COVID ICU ward and the maternity ward, she knew she’d run into Link eventually. She’d managed her very best to avoid him at all costs. It was easy for the first week she’d returned, since he was still on paternity leave with Scout and helping take care of Meredith’s kids too, but then he’d returned to help out with the influx of new cases and she’d been asked to be transferred to OB, shadowing Carina until her luck had run out and he’d all but chased her down cornering her and pulling her into an empty on-call room.

“You’re avoiding me.”

“I have patients.”

“Jackson called me to tell me he was worried about you. And even Schmidt had said you hadn’t been to the loft in a while. Are you okay?” He asks, and she wants nothing more than to melt into his arms in a bear hug, but she knows if she does that, she’ll lose all control and she’s barely holding on by threads.

“I’m fine.” She says coldly.

“You’re not fine. You’re like eighteen weeks pregnant, based on when Alex was last here.”

“I’m not having a baby.” She says before turning on her heel and storming out of the on-call room, slamming the door on her way out.

“Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt!” She hears him shout from the other side of the door. She rolls her eyes, stomping away like an irritated child.

“Wilson! Stop slamming doors in my hospital and lend a hand please. We have an MVC in the pit.” Bailey shouts to her.

Jo’s happy to have her mind be taken off of the conversation she’d just had before following after her boss.

“He’s going to need an x-ray to check for spinal injuries and run an EKG and full work up. Hurry!” Jo barks out orders, jumping into action and giving the gurney a shove in the correct direction before Bailey’s standing in front of her, blocking their way. “I need to get him to x-ray before we take him into surgery, Bailey, move.”

“No you don’t. An intern can take him to x-ray, you are not going there.”

Jo just begrudgingly lets go of the gurney, watching as two interns and a third year resident start wheeling their patient away.

She watches as Bailey’s stern face falters and her eyes soften into something along the lines of almost motherly, and it makes Jo almost want to break down right then and there, but she bites down on her bottom lip, forcing herself not to start crying before Bailey’s reaching out her hand for her to take.

So she does, and Bailey leads her away from the loud emergency room and together they walk up to the imaging room to wait for the x-rays to be ready.

“Are you doing okay?” Bailey treads carefully. She’s the chief of this hospital. She was taught how to be all-knowing. And the shock that flashes across Jo’s face that she knew, she figured was surprising. “I am the chief of this hospital, of course I know what’s going on with my surgeons.” She tells her and Jo looks away.

She just sighs softly.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

Bailey doesn’t get a chance to reply before the images from the x-ray are up and Jo’s immediately rushing out of the room, headed for her patient. Bailey just sighs, following after her to assist with the surgery.

She’s not prepared for the sudden force of a pull in the opposite direction, almost tripping and stumbling over her feet as the brunette is leading her into an open exam room.

And before she can even question her or start to speak, Amelia’s opening her mouth to speak, cutting her off.

“I know I am the last person to probably be forcing you into doing this, but it’s happening anyway. Link has not shut up about how worried he is about you the past month and I’m tired of it so I’m giving him answers without violating HIPA. So lay back and pull up your shirt, this will be cold.”  She said, shaking the bottle of gel as she wheeled the ultrasound machine closer to the two of them in the room.

Jo obliged, slowly, pulling her shirt up under her breasts and loosening her scrub pants a bit so Amelia could perform her exam.

Her bump was big now, and she’d already had to move up a couple sizes in her scrubs, but she still refused to acknowledge the life that was so rapidly growing within her.

“I was twenty weeks along before I let my sister-in-law force me into having an ultrasound thus leading to finding out my baby had no brain. A baby I had been in denial about because his father had overdosed next to me in bed.” Amelia says softly as she moves the wand around on Jo’s abdomen. “Alex was the first person I told that story to, fully.”

Jo doesn’t speak for a moment, taking in the words Amelia had just spoken, her eyes avoiding the screen at all costs as she looks in the complete opposite direction.

“I didn’t know you had a baby before Scout.” She finally replies softly.

Amelia pauses her movements and looks at Jo with a small smile. “Not many people do. His name was Christopher, and he had anencephaly. He lived for forty-three minutes before he got to donate all his organs and help others in need.” She says, trying not to cry herself.

By this time, Jo had turned to face her, and had given her a look of sorrow, of apology.

“Moving on, this baby you aren’t having is a good size, ten fingers, ten toes, has a brain. They look really healthy for twenty-two weeks, okay?” Amelia reassures her, wiping off the gel from Jo’s stomach. “I know we aren’t close, but I love Link and I know he’s really worried about you, so for all of our sakes, can I check up on you once a month for the rest of this?” She asks cautiously. “Just a few minutes out of every month to make sure everything is okay and then we can go back to ignoring it and being in denial together? You’ll be glad you have the peace of mind later on down the line.” She says.

Jo pulls her scrub top down slowly, nodding. “Sure.” she says quietly. “Just once a month, for a few minutes. Just us.” She says and Amelia nods, promising.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’d be a great mom. Scout loves you and I know he’d love to have a cousin to grow up with.” Amelia knows she’s said too much by the way Jo flinches at the comment, but she doesn’t run, like Link had told her Jo did to him. So maybe it was a step in the right direction. A baby step.

“It just wasn’t supposed to happen like this…” Jo replies softly, adjusting her scrub top over herself properly. Amelia nods, understanding it completely, giving Jo’s hand a squeeze.

True to her word, Jo’d let Amelia perform an ultrasound on her the following months, for just a few minutes each time, checking to make sure everything was okay. Jo refused to listen to anything about the baby, and didn’t want to know, just made sure Amelia noted everything down in her file. If it pleased everyone else, she was fine with that.

She still refused to believe any of this was even happening. No changes had been made to her home, nothing had been bought, nothing prepared. She didn’t want to even think about doing this without him, not for a minute. Surely, she could’ve called him. Anytime in the past seven months, she could have picked up the phone and dialled his number waiting for him to answer. But every time she picked up the phone to do just that, she was reminded of the fact that he’d left her. He’d done the one thing he promised to never do, and he’d abandoned her. And she was left so utterly broken by it. She was left broken and falling apart to try and do this by herself, something she didn’t want to do. Something she shouldn’t have to do, because he should’ve been here, holding her hand through this all, hovering over her so much she’d threaten to smack him or something. But he wasn’t.

Which was why she refused to believe that the wave of pain that contracted through her abdomen was anything other than a braxton hicks contraction. She was well on her way to becoming an OB, she’d been delivering babies daily. She knew what active labor looked like, and she refused to believe this was it.

Not until she felt a small release of pressure and then free falling fluid between her legs while she was headed to check on one of her own laboring mothers. This was not supposed to be happening right now.

She ignored it, ducking into an empty on call room, making sure to page someone else to cover her patients, letting them know she was unavailable before sitting down on a chair in the on call room, trying to force herself to breathe through the contraction just as she instructed her patients to do.

Tears well up and spill from her eyes, gracing her cheeks as she paces the tiny on call room, trying to keep herself from spiralling into a panic attack. She’s slowly losing her resolve as another contraction flutters through her body and she knows she’s progressing quickly but she hates that she’s stuck doing this alone.

And then the panic is settling in further as she realizes she really hasn’t prepared for any of this. Sure, she’d cut out alcohol from her diet, and was mindful of the things she could and couldn’t eat, but other than that, nothing else. She’d not so much had even bought a pack of diapers for this baby she was really just acknowledging she was pregnant with, while in now-active labor.

Im having a baby

Uh, yeah?

I know I wasn’t conscious for a lot of your pregnancy but you’re having a baby Jo

I mean right now

OH!

Okay have you been admitted?

I’ll be there soon!

I cant do this without him, Mer

I dont want to

She didn’t want to do any of this without him.

She hesitates, pulling up her contacts in her phone and hovers over his name. She should call. He deserves to know. But then another wave of a contraction courses through her and she’s doubling over, trying to breathe through it before the on call room door is swinging open and Carina is standing there with a look on her face.

“Meredith called to ask what room you were in since you were having a baby but I was the one shocked to find out that my fellow was in labor and had failed to tell me. Jo, come on, let's get you settled in a room.” Her accent, thick as she helped guide Jo out of the on call room and to a maternity room.

Carina guides her slowly into a room, helping get her settled and hooking her up to the various monitors before promising to be back to check on her soon and leaving her be.

Jo doesn’t know how long it had been, but she wakes up to the frantic beeping of monitors and Carina running into her room. She’s confused at what’s happening, but she hears her heartbeat echoing in her ears. She’s crying, she can feel her tears running down her cheeks, and she can’t hear herself, but she knows she’s screaming, screaming for him, screaming she can’t do this without him.

Before long she’s being wheeled out of her room and somehow into the OR where Carina has returned, hovering over her with a scrub cap on, smiling at her reassuringly. She thinks she remembers hearing her say everything would be okay but she isn’t sure, and then everything is hazy.

Until she feels someone standing next to her, and she looks over, and he’s standing next to her, holding her hand as she blinked back tears, trying to remember to breathe.

Alex was here. He was right here, next to her, holding her hand as Carina was performing a c-section on her and delivering their bundle of joy. He was here, squeezing her hand, telling her she could do this, that she did do this, she’s got this. That she is so strong. He’s blurry between her tears, and everything is hazy, everything is loud, everything is painful and scary and then she can hear the distinct sound of cries, filling the OR. And she’s turning her head to look over the sheet that’s separating her from her open abdomen, and Carina’s standing over her, holding up a squirming, screaming baby in her hands before she’s passing the baby off to another member of the delivery team and Jo’s eyes follow the baby for a second before landing on the man standing next to her again.

“Hey, you did it!” He smiles and she furrows her brow at him, his blue eyes staring back at her.

“Link?” She manages to whisper through her confusion, wondering where Alex had gone. But then she hears the baby start screaming again, and realizes he’s probably gone to check on their child and she focuses on trying to stay awake, but her heart rate drops and then everything is going black.

She wakes to the soft noises of shuffling around her room and Carina greeting her with a small smile, scooping up a wrapped bundle from the plastic bassinet, walking over to the side of her bed. “Ciao, Mama. You have one very handsome little bambino.” She greets, handing the newborn over to Jo.

Jo stares down at her little one, smiling down at him as she realizes just how much of Alex she truly sees in him.

“Where’s Alex? Is he just catching up with Meredith?” She questions, not looking up from staring at her child.

Carina freezes, not sure how to approach the topic but finally settles on a plausible answer. “I don’t know where he is.”

Jo just shrugs, still in a trance, staring at her son. She was in heaven.

And then she was in hell, when she realizes that Alex had never been there in the first place, that when Meredith had shown up to drive her back to the loft after being in the hospital for two days after her c-section, she was truly doing this alone, just like she’d done the entire time.

He wasn’t there. He hadn’t been there to see the birth of their son. He hadn’t been there, encouraging her as she was delivering their child. He wasn’t there bringing them home, like he should’ve been. He hadn’t even known she had their baby. And she was truly alone.

It was sinking in as Meredith had explained to her on the drive back to the loft, that baby Luca had been in such distress and showing D-cells when Carina had taken her up to the OR for an emergency c-section and Link had been with her the whole time. That he was struggling and his cord had prolapsed and then her own heart rate had spiked because of the onset panic and her own body was in distress through the surgery, but ultimately Carina had made sure she was going to be there to raise her son.

It hurt her. It hurt to know that she’d been in such a haze, hallucinating the entire time of Alex having been there. It hurt to know that instead of him driving them home, it was Meredith. It hurt to know that again, she was going to be doing this alone.

Meredith helps walk her up the stairs to the loft, carrying Luca’s carrier in her hand as Jo follows behind her, meeting up with Meredith at the top of the landing before unlocking the door and sliding it open.

“Before you say anything, this was why I wasn’t there holding your hand, too.” Meredith explains, setting the baby carrier on the bed and Jo looks up, her eyes widening in surprise.

“Alex.”