#i have no conclusions other than how fast im spinning normal in my head

[rindomness]

ummmmmm. something something normal being the only one to actually empathize with the doodler before they were dood and teenshaped and being the only one to empathize with hermie when hermie was alive. that's it that's the thought.

[thebrushedbalcony]

Sunday Night 8/5

   I suppose I wasn't in the right headspace earlier in the day. I had gone to bed late the night before, I had had one or two small screw-ups that I could write off as not my fault. I had a full 9 hours of sleep before Saturday - and that was after a few short nights. My birthday had been the Thursday before, and I was generally in a good mood during/after. Steven smoked me out at 10, I went to Old Chicago after, and then Tessa and Hoppe came and hung out for just an hour. I suppose at this point, I had been smoking about 6 nights a week for 2 weeks (started right after I lifted my self-imposed ban on not smoking after I closed). 

I guess if im going that far back I might as well take an even broader picture of whats been happening in my life recently. Its been 8 months since I moved out into this house. Eight months since I began easily removing any mental boundaries I had set in stone for myself. Drugs, Sex, language (still gonna hold onto that last one for awhile). Something I haven't nearly done enough soul-searching about is God! I'm worried I have so easily dropped an entire life that had been pointing me towards a life of bible-reading, church-attending, and being the perfect role model. Like Amanda moving in! A year ago I would have been proud to flaunt that I didn't smoke or drink or have even the slightest thought about dirty sex outside of a sanctioned marriage. Now look at me, I'm everything past Ethan liked to believe he was better than everyone else about. I guess thats a long-winded way of saying I'm a big ol' hypocrite! These are the big things I have held onto my whole life - my way of always thinking in the back of my head that I'm "better" than everyone else just a bit. And now its all gone awaaay.

I don't mourn the loss of my "innocence" or whatever tho. These were all my decisions, I thought these all out. Sure half of it was probably my hamster going into overload, but just maybe it wasn't! Some of these christian laws and rules that everyone has to follow don't seem very rooted in solid logic. But wow, maybe thats my hamster again. Spinning in overdrive to make up logical reasons for my stupid decisions. Either way, I've got no regrets! This last night is really pushing that though. Sex was fun, and I'm going to continue to have fun with it during my life. Marijuana is fun! I presume I'll still be getting high for years to come. Maybe. Last night was actual, existential pain like I've never felt before. I was able to fully slide into the victim mentality - first time in my life. But I'll get to that later. I'm not sure who these last two paragraphs are for, but I think that is a pretty good look into my head going into last night. Oh yeah - that’s what the point of all that was! Alright. Back to the story. 

5 grams of weed. That’s how much I helped Josh distill. 30 bucks, if I went to a cheaper dealer. Josh was on TOP of the math, apparently the cup he just poured was one-hundred-freaking-milligrams. Josh and I didn't take that number seriously. Maybe Josh did more, in the back of his mind, but we both knew steven took like, 80mg of the stuff and didn't feel anything! And the "30mg" cookie I took a week or two ago wasn't really that bad anyway. No way this is 100mg. "These edibles ain't shit!" as I drank actually 100mg and sealed my incredibly unforunate fate. Drank it at 8:30, and I could actually feel it really fast. Like within minutes, just a small sense that something was off. In a good way of course, like cool! Getting high already.

First hour was fun. I was already kinda in a daze, having only got 6 hours of sleep the night before. Having fun, music was great and I even pulled out my phone and recorded whatever strange conversation we were having at the time. The other three were pretty hyped about a firepit, I still think its very funny Josh had lived there so many years and had no idea if there was one around still. I was inside, stuck to a chair when I recorded a bit of what was going on in my head. This must have been about 10:15:

"the house is all screwey. Its like every thing I see is instantly as distant as a sharp memory, srrange focal points and strangw perspectives. Im dreaming? Weird nostslgia molding together, in a not normal way. like an old distant life. im lazq ‰) %/"#÷ame. wow, hah This is lucid, but stuck. Its self aware lucid and is all."

It had been a bit over an hour and a half and I was practically in a dream state. Whats strange is all my other experiences with edibles is I don't notice myself getting much higher after 1.5/2 hours. I guess there was just so much weed it kept on being absorbed. Anyway, Amanda came and grabbed me as Josh and Drew were trying to get the fire started. I was having a grand old time, stumbling around and in complete awe as to how I couldn't file anything I was seeing into a clear and defined memory. It still plays out like an extremely vivid dream in my head. None of the wacky dream stuff was happening, like people I didn't know or new settings, but everything had that strange sheen and warped perspective of not really being there. 

I believe it was 10:30/45 when I had to stumble away from the campfire because I had a sudden and very specific feeling that I was going to throw up. I got to my car and realized there was actually a whole lot that was going wrong. I held onto the driver's side of my car for dear life as my reality slowly splintered into anguish. I would have said pain right there, but that wouldn't be right. It wasn't really a sharp bad physical pain, I get a nice dose of that whenever a migraine hits. No this was like, being unplugged from the matrix but the only other option was death. To continue the analogy, I would try and plug myself back in but realized in horror the only thing that defined my existence was a few vague memories from my past when nothing really special happened. That’s all I was, a big ol poser in life with only a false personality given to me by my parents and my church with a few unrelated memories that I pretended tied it all together. It was like my personality and my own being was being broken down to it's pure biology - the entire person I had spent my whole life building up just being ripped away. The worst part is I was locked out of anything that had happened in my brain for the past 10 years. All the dreary foggy terrible memories were from random times when I was growing up, and none of them even had bad emotions attached to them! The horror was them being displayed to me as the only thing that made me a person. It was lifeless, cruel, something was telling me that I've never had any real life, and it was going to rip away every single lie I have told myself since I was born. And all that would be left is a broken and defeated nothing of a living being.

Now, I don't presume to get all spiritual here. That "something" was me, I mean right? I took too much drug, and it went to TOWN and the only thing they had to work with was this brain up here. I'm.... not sure where it came up with all that though. A current working thesis is that... it uncovered something? If marijuana truly only had my brain to work with, it pulled that ugly monster out of SOME deep dark corner. Now I'm sure it completely amplified and morphed this small insecurity into the terrible monster that it became, but nevertheless it was a monster of my own creation. And thats what makes it so terrifying, I was in agony and defeated by MYSELF. Well, plus a buttload of drugs. Hmm, maybe that was it. But Josh and Drew had the same amount! It could be explained away by different tolerances or different mental makeup. Either way, I crossed my boundaries like, WAY far.

Maybe I am overthinking this. I have slowly learned to deal with migraines for the past 10 years - and thats been a huge struggle to fight my body with my mind! Once it hits I can't do anything to stop it. But I've learned to accept it, I ride it out and deal with it - acknowledge that it'll get better eventually. I suppose that is the line of thinking from last night that kept me sane. I knew weed couldn't kill or maim you. You better believe I held onto that thought - that idea like it was my lifeline. 

Anyway I told Amanda where the spare was, I got in my car and laid down eventually. I was glad Josh was there in the car with me for some of the time, as I mentioned earlier I knew I had no qualms putting myself in the "very bad victim" category. Normally I would feel bad Josh had to sit in the car with me for 30+ minutes, but I didn't! I was in so much bad having his slight uncomfort was almost expected. That sounds super selfish and I'm very grateful but thats how it was hah. He grabs me some water, dips inside towards the end so he didn't have to stay out there forever. Eventually I get inside, and onto the couch (around 12:10) and I somehow zoned out until 3. I remember some small conversation, someone passed me some sherbert and I think Amanda made pizza later. I knew I didn't want to sleep on the couch so I went downstairs and stole the bed in the middle of the room. Got about 6 hours, and still felt high when I woke up. And theeen I lazed around all day, took a nap and left and came here at 8. 

So in conclusion. I think I might have got a bit too fanatic about the whole "hidden mental closet" thing, but maybe not. I definitely had a LOT of weed, and it definitly hit me wrong. The next few days will tell if there is anything different in how I...live? mentally? I think even now 48 hours the shock is wearing off. Even typing this it seems like a really vivid dream. I might not have even typed this if Josh hadn't mentioned that I maybe should, that these experiences can fade away. I guess i'm not surprised, my sober mind is probably busy chucking that memory into a trash bag and dragging it down to the landfill!

I guess, with my first few paragraphs being hindsight, I do have a lot of scary thoughts that I don't think about. Who am I really, what are my real boundaries, if I can throw out these big boundaries so easily, who's to say I chuck the baby out with the bathwater and give up on my personality as I've started with! Haha naa, I like what I am. There I said it, I am haappy with who I am. Maybe a bit more sex would help with the self esteem, and a bit more money would be quite welcome as well - but I'm doing alright. I've got my own house, a freaking perfect mini-studio in here, a tired but nice job, and a really awesome friend in Josh. In his parent's freaking fairy-tale house. 2/10 would bad trip again fo sho

[weirdlywisely]

Yearly recap : 2017

I’ve done that the past two years and idk i think it’s good to do it and i like doing it anyway so here is my thoughts abt my 2017

So many things happened tbh idk if i��d say 2017 was a good year objectively, but it wasn’t that bad of a year for me

so ! i noticed i didn’t mention it at all but this year has been both really hard but also really good 

really good bc I finally moved out ! I’ve been living with my best friend officially since July but really since the end of August and I couldn’t be better ! 

i love my family i really do... but we’ve been at each other’s throat for like more than a year... if it’s not me and my parents, it’s me and my brother, or it’s my brother and my parents, or my brother and my sister... it’s very tiring... im tired of fighting with them... I really am... but im better since i moved out and see them less! i will have to move back in for summer bc im leaving Toulouse normally but it’ll be good i think

but i should do smthg in a more organized manner hahaha 

January was... plain bad... I was still in my double degree thing that exhausted me so much ! and i failed one of my final badly so i was really feeling awful (got my degree in the end thanks retakes) but i got back on my feet ! january was also bad bc i applied for an abroad exchange but was refused pretty harshly. if im being honest that hurt a lot... i may have cried bc i didn’t know what to do if i couldn’t go abroad and get away... but i got back on my feet and i was more or less okay!

I met two wonderful online friends for real this year ! and let me tell you IT WAS AWESOME ! took out quite a chunk of my savings but it was totally worth it ! but with all the money i spent on travels these two years im probably not going anywhere by myself in 2018 hahaha 

I met Mathilde in February and went to the eastern part of France, where i never went tbh it was a really fun week ! idk how long we had known each other but it was a loooooooong time hahaha 

I also met Lark in May! we took a little roadtrip in the US it was super fun hahaha i never went to these parts of the US so it was super cool to see ! could have done without the “guns make sense” signs... those were awful and didn’t actually make sense but ‘murica my guy

in the end got my English degree (look who has a valid college diploma !) and got my DEUG with an AB (ITS NOT EVEN WRITTEN ON THE DIPLOMA IM SALTY I WANT MY MENTION !!)

I am honestly focusing on the good bc the first half was hard but the second half of 2017 was better, and seeing friends i hold dear was just sooooo good and such an highlight of my year ! 

i went to Peru with my family for the summer it was super cool ! i met such great people and it was so interesting ! as you know my spanish just sucks but i have the best spanish in my family so i talked quite a bit and it was very fun hahaha there’s one thing im so angry about ! i was sick, like very sick for three days... Which three days ? the ones we did the Machu Picchu ... so i still went up but sat down on a bench at the entrance bc i couldn’t walk without wanting to puke... Fun story, the first day we had to do the famous hike to get to the Machu Picchu with guides and all but i was feeling so badly i couldn’t do it so i took the train all the way to the town and i was told someone would tell me where my hotel was... the guy didn’t... so i went out of the train station, feeling half dizzy half wanting to cry, i saw a guy on a bridge and asked him in spanish if he knew where my hotel was... he seemed all confused so i asked in english and one of his friend arrived and tried to help me with google maps but sent me on the wrong way hahaha so i walked a bit but felt so sick i wanted to cry so i sat down and a few minutes after i saw two guys who seemed to know where things were, so i asked them in spanish if they knew where my hotel was, and they said they knew and i asked if they could tell me, and they were like “oh no we’re leading you there” and like they did and one of the guy tried to speak with me but i was feeling so bad my head was spinning and i couldn’t understand half of it bc it was too fast and i apologized bc of that and then i thanked them so much bc that was so nice and i just spent the rest of the day sleeping bc i was dying inside!  it was such an experience hahaha also before that i went up 4910m ! and man that is high ! you can feel the lack of oxygen ! i loved it it was soooo cool ! 

if there’s one thing i know, it’s that traveling and experiencing new things is something i love ! it’s like the one thing that doesn’t fail to cheer me up soooooo

this year has been very good to me but also very bad... my lows have been pretty awful but i think i managed to open up abt it and get better. i mean im still not fully okay but i’m recovering pretty well, i mean ive never been that bad so it’s pretty okay.. like yeah there are still moment when i want to die or stop existing, and you know some thoughts aren’t the best... but im hopeful for the future so there’s that !

i mean, i didn’t think i could get my english degree bc i hated it so much it basically made three years of my life hell bc i just couldn’t stand it but i did it ! i thought i wouldn’t ever be able to let go of the “fake your confidence” thing but i feel like it’s less fake ?? im better with myself and im starting to actually like myself a little ? bc im trying to become a better person, im trying to become more compassionate and more helpful bc i am trying to better myself 

is anxiety still fucking up my life ? yeah it is, but guess what ? i can do it! what my brain is telling me is wrong ! i can do it, people aren’t laughing at me, i’m not making a fool out of myself ! and if i can’t do it ? i have a great best friend who knows that i sometimes cna’t do things and is willing to help and that is just so helpful ??? i sometime worry that i rely too much on her, but actually i trust her to tell me if im bothersome or whatever so it’s great ! 

honestly, i am hopeful for the future it’s so strange ?? i didn’t think i could have so many things i want to do ??? like i know what i want to do with my life ! i am stressing over which masters i want to apply to and creating so many other plans in case im not accepted ?? i want to travel the world ! meet new people ! see new things ! learn more ! 

it’s honestly crazy.. four years ago ? I was almost certain i wouldn’t be alive at 20, and now ? im 21 and im getting my life back on track ! 

another pretty big thing for me was that i cut my hair ! i had cut it all off very short back in may or june 2014 and two months ago i cut it all off at around the middle of my neck and it’s been soooo liberating ! im gonna cut it back shorter bc it’s way too long but wow! 

i feel like i am actually growing as a person ??? idk the me from last year and the me from this year, we’re not the same ! im getting better ! 

tbh 2017 was a train wreck i mean im still a train wreck but a train wreck who wants to get better sooooooo ! 

2017 was hard, but seeing friends and traveling helped a lot, i think those few days away from home helped so much, and just moving out it was just great ! don’t get me wrong i had very bad breakdowns while living at my flat but i didn’t have to call my best friend crying bc we were fighting with my parents sooooo yeah

lots of negative this year, not gonna lie, but ! like the idealist fuck i am i am hoping that 2018 will be better ! i mean i have so much planned ! im not gonna let anything set me back ! fuck it !

also i got a job this year ! i tutor people in english so it’s pretty good and it gives me experience ! my résumé isn’t empty anymore yay !

also im better at standing up for myself so it’s good ! i can finally just say what i think, not fully but more than before !

So basically in 2018 i want to try and improve on myself more ! i want to be proud to be myself soooooo 

i’ll try to talk to more people on here i think bc i really want to talk to people and i just am super shy but idk i want to talk to people and have more friends so why the fuck not hahahha 

i’ll also probably confess to my crush... tho i hate that i have a crush on him bc he’s a friend and all but idk i feel like it’s either to move on once it’s out soooooo 

i also want to learn how to dance bc i have way too fucking much energy and idk i don’t want to start any combat sport and i really want to learn how to dance even tho i am as graceful as a drunk hippopotamus hahaha

and finally i want to seriously get back intro writing and drawing ! it has been hard last year bc so many fucking classes and pressure but idk im motivated ! tho i always say that hahahha 

in conclusion, just be kind to yourself in 2018 ! you’re improving but it takes time ! i really hope i can look back on 2018 and be like “yeah i did it, im proud of who i am and where i am”