#i have no business making this right now my schedule is PACKED !!! IM DYING !!!! but im actually having so much fun making it :)

[spacedlexi]

okay fine !!!! be the change you wish to see in the world or whatever 🙄

i desperately need to be part of an active violentine server. this would fix me i think

[yuthoe]

Happy Birthday (PENTAGON: Yan An)

OH YANAAAAAAAAAAN---HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!

YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANAN YANA---

BABIE IS BACK AND IM SO HAPPY!!!!!!! i didn’t get to write a bday fic for hui bc i was in isolation that time, so i made sure to make up for it by writing one for yananie!

disclaimer: i have no idea what yanan would like to do for his bday and pulled the gift right out of my ass lmao. i suddenly remembered this morning that it’s his bday and was totally unprepared for the content of the fic lmao

this turned out surprisingly long, for something churned out in an hour hahaha

PAIRING: Yan An x reader. GENRE: one shot, general, fluff, some angst (bc of covid). WARNINGS: N/A. WORD COUNT: 1,196.

---

You impatiently shift your weight on both feet as you wait for the elevator to take you up to the boys’ floor. They’re probably busy doing… something, so you didn’t think to intrude, but it’s Yanan’s birthday, so what kind of partner would you be if you don’t at least try to visit him, right?

The elevator dings after what felt like an hour and you rush out, careful of the things in your hands--a simple gift for your boyfriend wrapped in that decorative tissue paper thing that fancy stores use, and a tiny box containing a single cupcake. Since he got back from China back in August, you’ve been tossing around plans for his birthday. But ultimately because of your schedules clashing, you weren’t able to decide on a proper celebration.

But you’re nothing if not sneaky. You made sure to ask Changgu their schedule for today, and he agreed to text you once they got to the dorm before leaving again for the company for a short birthday livestream and rehearsals. The boys needing to take turns showering and packing up their stuff gives you a small window of opportunity to stop by and deliver your gifts.

The hallway to the dorm is as familiar to you as the back of your hand, having visited there more times than you can count. You usually don’t need to glance at the room numbers, but you’re just so excited and nervous that you double check to make sure you’re on the right floor, turning the right corner, stopping at the right door.

You take a deep breath and press the doorbell. The butterflies are going wild in your stomach as footsteps get louder on the other side of the door. The door chain rattles and Changgu’s head pops out a moment later, that sweet smile on his face.

“Hi, Y/N,” he says, voice a whisper. “It’s been too long.”

You raise a hand in greeting. You’re smiling back, but you’re not sure if he can tell from the mask you’re wearing. “Yeah, it’s been a while. Thank you for telling me your schedule today, Changgu.”

He opens the door a bit wider and rests his weight on the jamb. “It’s no biggie. Yanan will be happy to see you. Speaking of, I’ll go get him; he should be dressed by now.”

You nod in assent and he disappears back into the dorm, leaving the door ajar. You bounce your heel, looking for something to distract you from the thought of being seconds away from seeing your boyfriend.

More footsteps approach the entrance and your heart is thundering in your chest. The door opens and you crane your neck up, the action familiar from all the times you had to look up at him. Silver hair glows in the barely there light of the hallway, soft eyes once questioning give way to surprise, pretty pink lips curl up into a smile.

“Hi, Yanan,” you say, unable to hide the grin in your voice. You haven’t seen him in person since he got to Korea, and seeing him in front of you, a pillar of warmth in the chill of autumn, nearly makes you choke up. You offer up your gifts with shaking hands. “Happy birthday.”

“Y/N,” he whispers, unsure of what to do. He can’t touch you yet--you’ve been outside, and as much as he wants to hug you right now, you know he can’t. It’s enough to see each other. “I--thank you,” he says, carefully taking the paper bags from your outstretched hands.

Yanan grips the handles tightly, aching to hold you. “How’d you know I’d be at the dorm right now?”

You shrug. “I asked Changgu your schedule. He seemed really excited when I told him I wanted to stop by to greet you.”

Yanan chuckles, shaking his head. Of course Changgu would be your accomplice in this, He should have guessed when his roommate peeped in and said someone was at the door for him--the Chinese idol doesn’t really have many friends living in the vicinity, certainly no one who would go so far as to greet him in person on his birthday.

Except for you.

He’s been dying to see you, entertained thoughts of surprising you at your apartment once his 14-day quarantine was over. But he’s just been so damn busy that he barely has any time to rest anymore. He loves what he does and wouldn’t rather do anything else, but he misses you. Longs for you that it makes his throat close up.

He looks down at his presents--one is nondescript and he can’t actually tell what it is, but the other bag is from that cafe he likes, the rich smell of chocolate sneaking its way up to his nose.

He looks back at you, at your hands clasped tightly in front of you. You look like you want nothing more than to wrap your arms around him right now, and it pains him that he can’t give you what you want.

“Thank you, Y/N,” he says again. “Thank you for coming today.”

Yanan can see your eyes squint in a smile. “I missed your birthday last year; I’m not gonna miss it this time, too.” The grin that appears on his face is automatic.

You bid your goodbyes soon after, Yanan needing to finish packing his stuff and you needing to get home because you have an early morning tomorrow. There’s promises of video calls and texts and dates in the coming weeks before you turn and head for the elevator again. Yanan watches you, only going back inside when you turn the corner.

He gives the paper bags a quick spritz of alcohol as he makes his way into the tiny kitchenette. The cupcake box is quickly stored in the fridge before he turns to the other, bigger bag.

Yanan slides the package out--it’s soft, the thickness of the fabric noticeable through the wrapping. He unties the ribbon monogrammed with the brand’s name and unfolds the paper, takes the edges of the cloth and raises it, letting gravity unfurl the garment for him.

A scarf. Made of exquisitely soft wool, warm to the touch and perfect for the coming winter. It’s lined with two pinstripes in off-white on each side of the length of it. Simple, beautiful, and very much a gift you’d give him.

He thinks about wearing it while doing the livestream later, but decides against it--it’s hot in the filming room, and he doesn’t want to dirty your gift yet. So he wraps it around his neck, making sure to drape it artfully over his shoulders, and takes some quick selfies.

The rest of his dormmates find him a little later, standing in the middle of the kitchen with a scarf wrapped him, and glaring at his phone, finally hitting send on the message that took him way too long to compose:

Hello, dove. Thank you for the scarf--it’s very beautiful. Thank you for coming tonight, even if it’s only for a little while. I missed you so much, and I can’t wait to see you again soon. I love you.

[oddcoupler222]

Merry Christmas! I’m a big TWW fan and in anticipation for the published version I was wondering if you could share us the scene in the epilogue where Marg surprises Prof Sansa mid lesson. I vaguely remember the funny twitterverse pic you made for this scene but would love a written version! 😊🎁

Merry Christmas back!

for reference :)

--------------

Eliza didn’t sign up for Women in Contemporary Westerosi Lit merely because Professor Stark was teaching it -- she wasn’t weirdly obsessed with the woman. But she wouldn’t say she didn’t jump at the class when she’d seen that her favorite professor was teaching it.

Even though this was officially Professor Stark’s first semester teaching, Eliza would never forget how she’d been the TA in her first year in university. Dr. Lannister had been a great professor but intimidating at times, whereas Sansa - as a grad student in her final semester - had always had time, patience, and a perfect way of explaining to 18-and 19- year old freshmen about how to go about analyzing literature.

And now, two years later, she was finding out that the internship or whatever, wherever Sansa had gone had made her teaching even better. 

Did you know that Colleen was in this class? Oh wait. Of course you did.

The note her friend, Sara, slid across their shared table jarred her out of taking notes as Professor Stark lectured.

She flipped Sara off as discreetly as she could even as her eyes flickered two rows ahead of her own and three seats to the left. And a wistful sigh escaped her. 

It’s not like she’d known Colleen would be in the class for certain - even though she had a work study job at the registrar office. But she’d thought it would be a pretty good bet, considering Colleen Durand had been in almost all of the social lit electives most semesters. She knew, because of all of these shared classes, that Colleen’s minor was in literature, just like Eliza’s was.

Though Colleen was an Anthropology major, unlike herself. She liked that about her, enough to have spent about two hours reading about what the fuck economic anthropology -- Colleen’s specialty -- was a year and a half ago, when they first shared a class. The first time she’d tossed back her honey blonde hair all perfectly tousled and readjusted her perfect posture as she sat in a front row seat and took immaculate notes -

(notes that Eliza had managed the courage last semester to ask to borrow even though she hadn’t needed them. Using it as a conversation starter was pretty much moot, though, when she then psyched herself out and like. She borrowed the notes, which meant that now, Colleen thought she was dumb or something? Like she couldn’t take her own notes? And then her dumbass roommate at the time had spilled coffee on her desk and got it on Colleen’s pristine notebook)

Peeking up to make sure she wasn’t about to be caught sneaking notes like she was in fourth grade, she scrawled back, We’ve been in class for three weeks and you’re just noticing?

Sara had no qualms about being caught. Well, unlike you, I don’t have a radar for her. It’s not my head that pops up the second she steps into the dining hall, like some bloodhound who caught a scent.

You make me sound like a stalker. Now shut up before Prof Stark notices.

Calm down. She’s chill as fuck. And you make yourself sound like a stalker. golden haired goddess. the light dusting of freckles on her nose. her cute cardigans. those perfectly elegant long fingers that write those amazing notes -

The last thing Eliza wanted was to lose any respect from Sansa and definitely didn’t want to get called out in front of Colleen, who most assuredly already thought she was a dumbass.

Even if she had 0 chances with that gorgeous specimen of a woman, she didn’t want her to think she was a true moron. Also:

YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD NEVER BRING UP DRUNK ELIZA’S POETIC WAXING

Shit u right. But I never promised I wouldn’t bring up drunk Eliza being upsetti spaghetti - “i bet shes probably straight. i hate that she prob thinks im dumb. i have an internship in the red keep!!!!! shes not the kind of person who would care about my twitter. i have over 10000 followers!! i am FUNNY! but she is too good for my dumb lesbian human humor!” what does that even mean -

Friendship canceled, thanks for your service. Your severance package is the nothing you deserve.

She turned to rip the paper away from Sara before she could write anything back, just in time to notice the back door to the room creak open. Which was kinda weird because -- what is the point of coming to class if you’re a half hour late?

She flickered her eyes to the front of the room, noticing that Professor Stark’s back was to the room as she wrote on the SmartBoard. This interloper was pretty fucking luck-

“Holy shit,” she breathed, eyes wide.

She started hitting Sara’s thigh under the table, in rapid succession. She and Sara met two years ago, when they’d joined the LGBT Alliance on campus and they’d bonded immediately. For several reasons, one of which being that they were both political science majors.

Political science majors who’d both moved to King’s Landing for college and met the year that Margaery Tyrell came out as a lesbian and won the Small Council election and announced very publicly that she was dating the very professor standing in the front of the room at this very moment.

To say that she (and Sara) spearheaded the online community when it came to freaking out over Margaery Tyrell and Sansa Stark’s relationship as two stunning, brilliant, fucking amazing women who were soft as fuck together, would be an understatement. And despite the facts that they lived in the same city, that she took a class with 1/2 of the ultimate power couple, and that she had an internship at the workplace of the other, she’d yet to see them in the same physical space.

Until now.

“Seven hells, what,” Sara hissed in a whisper as she grabbed the hand slapping her thigh.

All she could do was point behind Sara, as Margaery fucking Tyrell - as gorgeous as ever - slid discreetly into the seat in the back corner of the room.

-------------

Margaery had enjoyed King’s Landing University in her time here. She’d enjoyed her courses for the most part and some of her peers. Mostly, she’d enjoyed conquering college as a part of conquering yet another step on the journey of her life.

But for as much as she enjoyed her time here when she was done, she hadn’t looked back. It was a footnote on her way to the rest of her life, regardless of how fun or successful a footnote it was.

The first time she’d stepped back into the KLU campus had been almost three years ago, that first fateful time she’d tracked down Sansa after they’d had sex. Back when Sansa had been a TA stuck in her little office, looking unbearably hot and cute all at once in her glasses and sweater.

Now, Sansa was still looking hot and cute all at once, as she commanded this class. Her girlfriend stood in the front of the tiered seats and she no longer was flustered or seemed at all nervous about being in front of the group. No, she was in control, and the form-fitting black top with her hair pulled over her shoulder was just doing delicious things to Margaery.

She paused in the middle of her lecture to laugh at a comment made by a studious looking blonde sitting in the front row. And Margaery sighed, unable and unwilling to stop the smile that took over her face as she turned her head to watch Sansa.

Even though her girlfriend had been officially teaching at KLU for almost a month, this was the first time Margaery’s schedule allowed for her to witness it.

She’d seen Sansa pace around their apartment in the evenings before starting the 3 courses she was teaching, practicing bits and pieces of her analysis. She’d laid in their bed, stroking her hand over Sansa’s stomach, as her girlfriend had excitedly told her about her students and the insights they’d had.

Moving in together a few months ago was truly the most genius idea Margaery had ever had.

But today? Her Small Council meeting had been pushed back for two hours. Which perfectly opened up the time for her to witness the final hour of Sansa leading her Women in Contemporary Westerosi Lit class.

“Thank you, Jess, for bringing up Lauren Ambrose’s use of metaphor. I want you to break into your new groups that I emailed to you over the weekend and spend five minutes going over the notes you should have from last weeks reading to come up with any metaphors you found and then we’re going to play a little game with them. Eliza, Colleen, and Michael. Sara, Alysanne, Jon. So on and so forth.”

The students rearranged themselves as Margaery stayed hidden in the back of the room, watching with rapt attention. As Sansa turned from lecture to analyzing the text through a question-dodgeball type game she must have made up.

Even though Margaery hadn’t expected to be bored - because she could watch Sansa do anything and everything and not be bored. Even brushing her teeth, somehow. But she was actually interested in the material, the way Sansa spoke about it.

The hour flew by and at the end of it, as everyone was starting to pack up their belongings, Margaery made her move.

She cleared her throat. “Excuse me, Professor Stark. Any homework?”

She was fairly certain she heard one student state, “I’m dying,” but she was mostly focused on the way Sansa turned, eyebrows already high on her forehead because Margaery knew she recognized her voice.

Gods, but she loved those blue eyes and the way they widened. She smirked as she saw the way her girlfriend’s lightly glossed lips parted in surprise.

“What...” Sansa held her eyes for a long moment before she shook her head. She ran her eyes over her students who were starting to depart. “Um - your assigned reading is online. You all know my office hours if you have any questions about your next paper. Thanks for the, um,” those eyes flickered back to Margaery’s and held, “The discussion.”

She waited a few moments, just watching Sansa make her hands busy by gathering her papers at the front desk, furtively throwing looks over at Margaery. She waited until the majority of the students were gone, with just a couple young women taking their time in the front, before she gathered her jacket over her arm and slid her bag over her shoulder and made her way down.

“What are you doing here? It’s Tuesday, you have your Small Council meeting at 10:30?” 

She never thought she would love having someone know her schedule by heart and check in with her about it. But damn, she loved that Sansa knew it all.

She loved knowing Sansa’s. She loved knowing she could look up at the clock on a given day and know, in general, what Sansa was up to. She even loved sharing a Google calendar.

“It was postponed, so I hightailed it to see my -” she slid her gaze to the group of students that she clocked as purposefully taking forever to pack up, and held back the myriad of adjectives that she would save for when they didn’t have an audience. It was something they were still getting used to. “- beautiful girlfriend. I just really wanted to see you in action.”

Sansa did that biting her lip and swaying a little closer thing that Margaery still adored, “What’d you think?”

She swayed a little closer and consciously lowered her voice. “I think... that I absolutely understand what exactly you meant when you say that watching me in action does something to you.”

Sansa, always genius, keenly caught on to keeping her voice so low and mirrored her, “Oh yeah? You want me to talk about metaphor in the bedroom?”

Margaery lifted an eyebrow, considering. “You know... I wouldn’t hate it.”

The giggle-snort that left Sansa made her stomach dip as she laughed.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Do you have time for lunch?” Sansa reached out and tangled their fingers easily, Margaery’s hand instinctively turning to take her girlfriends.

It was the worst timing for her watch to beep, signifying the timer she’d left for herself in order to cut back through the city to the Keep in time for her meeting.

Genuinely regretful - they didn’t get enough lunches together lately - she sighed. “Not today. But dinner - I’ll bring it.”

Sansa smiled warmly at her, squeezing her hand. She gave her students a fleeting look, before she tugged Margaery in and pressed those soft, pink lips to hers.

She hummed in contentment as she pulled back. “I’ll see you at home, darling.”

She stole another kiss before she left with a grin.

[amanecercreciente]

Five Cats

→ Im Jaebeom → Fluff → 1,5k words → Jaebeom gets upset when you question his cat obsession.

It is final exams season and between your studies, you have not had time to eat properly, or see Jaebeom for that matter. These are stressful days. Even tonight, sitting in a cozy and quiet restaurant in downtown Seoul, you cannot stop thinking about the essay you are supposed to hand in next week. It is all outlined in your head. Introduction, body, and conclusion are all planned, the sources you will use to back up your ideas too. You just must write it down.

You take a deep breath. Every second that goes by, another idea disappears from your head. The restaurant where you are waiting is in a nice and small street apart from the noisy main ones, but instead of comforting you, its quietness gets you nervous. Why hasn’t Jaebeom arrived yet? You look at your phone, no messages from him. It has probably been half an hour already since you got here. He must have a busy schedule today, you think. You look for a notebook and a pen inside your purse and start writing ideas for your essay. What was the point you were going to mention in the introduction?

“Miss, will you order?” The waiter approaches your table. You haven’t ordered anything yet, not even a cup of coffee.

“As soon as the person I’m waiting for arrives,” you blurt out without looking at him. You fight with your brain to not lose the idea you are trying to write. Your hand is tense, but you ignore the slight pain from writing so fast.  

“I’m sorry I’m late. Good evening.” Jaebeom’s voice is almost a whisper when he greets the waiter. You take a look at him. He removes his jacket and sits in front of you. His eyes seem tired. He is not wearing even a little bit of make-up and judging by the beanie that covers half of his head, he didn’t bother to fix his hair either. None of this is unusual, considering his typically packed schedule.

“Here is the menu. I’ll be back as soon as you are ready to order.” You nod and let out a polite smile after realizing there is no reaction from Jaebeom. Right now, you two must be the most annoying customers in the world, you think.

“I’m so hungry I feel my head is about to explode”, you said as you desperately flip the menu’s pages and try to process what you are reading. Japchae? Sundubu jjigae? Why do all the options seem difficult? Suddenly an idea for your essay comes to mind and you write it down in your notebook beside you. “I haven’t said hi, right? So, busy schedule today?”

“No…” Again, Jaebeom’s voice comes out as a whisper. His tone catches your attention this time. He reads the menu lazily, flipping the pages in an awkward manner using his left-hand. His right-hand rests on the table, hidden towards his body and covered by the sleeve of the huge sweater he is wearing.

“What’s wrong?” you ask curiously, trying to find out if he is holding something in his hand or if your imagination is being severely affected by hunger and final exams season anxiety.

Jaebeom sighs.

“My cats fought all day,” he says in a soft voice. He rolls up his right sleeve and shyly shows a bloody bandage that covers part of his hand and wrist.

You are speechless. Jaebeom recently adopted two stray cats, added to the other three he already had. The adaption process of his new friends with the old ones has been quite hard, you are well-aware of this because of the daily updates he gives you. It has become usual for him to interfere in crazy fights in order to stop his cats from hurting each other. Clearly, he keeps out of his mind the fact that he can result hurt, too. The bandage seems to hide a wound that Jaebeom hasn’t had the opportunity to deal with correctly. You see him like this and become angry. Your boyfriend is very self-aware and always looks out for his safety, but when it comes to his cats, he seems to become fully irrational and forget about his well-being.

“Five cats are definitely too much.” You leave the menu, your notebook, and pen aside and gently reach for his arm to study in depth the wound’s severity. “Did you even go to the hospital?”

“Five cats are just fine, I only need to stop their fighting altogether.” Jaebeom adjusts himself in the chair and talks with determination. Before you can even start to remove his bandage, he moves back his hand towards his body.

You remember a few months ago when Jaebeom became very fond of a stray cat that used to wander around the streets near his studio. He fed it for several weeks and when finally reached for it to hold it up, the cat attacked him violently. Your boyfriend ended up with multiple wounds along his forearm, and the cat never showed up again.

“It’s not fine if they hurt you.” You look straight into his eyes. “You know that. This is not the first time you are this irresponsible because of some cat.” Your tone sounds harsher than you expected, and you instantly regret your words. “I mean…”

“Some cat?”

“No. That’s not what…”

Jaebeom stands up and grabs his jacket. He does not wait for any sort of response from you, instead leaves the restaurant quickly and without saying anything.

You gather your belongings as fast as you can. Your notebook hits the ground, and as you grab it, your purse falls as well, emptying all its content. You get mad at yourself, put back your stuff inside your purse, and follow Jaebeom. You ignore the half puzzled, half annoyed look of the waiter and leave the place.

You become angry at yourself not only because of your clumsiness, but also because of your bad choice of words. The two cats are already family to your boyfriend, you know that. You were pointlessly worrying about your damn essay even when there is more than enough time to write it. And even when you have your boyfriend clearly troubled in front of you. You were uncapable of seeing his condition and it hurts you. Although Jaebeom is extremely bad at putting his sadness into words, his body always shows it. Sometimes he can barely express his happiness too, so you constantly remind yourself to read the signs in his body. You know it, but this time didn’t bother to read anything.

You look for him along the small street. Jaebeom walks without a hurry a few meters away from the restaurant. You run to walk beside him.

“Jaebeom, wait a second.” You grab his arm and entwine it with yours to stop him from walking away. He stops, allows you to become closer, but tries to avoid your eyes. “What I said came out incredibly bad. I’m really sorry.”

He looks askance at you, evidently upset. “I’ve been with them for one month. They’re not just some cat. You even met them.”

“I know, love. I just blurted that out. I didn’t mean to say that.” You take advantage when he relaxes a bit and hug him, circling his waist with your arms, and nuzzling your face into his neck. “It’s final exams season and I’m stressed. Just don’t pay attention to anything I say during these days, okay?”

Jaebeom sighs, once again tonight.

You hug him tightly and move your head to look at him. His eyes seem sad and worried, while his body is still too tense. It breaks your heart to have him like this.

“It’s going to be a while before they all get along. Did you try having them in a separate room for now?”

“They’re at Jinyoung’s room now,” he says and lets out a disheartened laugh.

It amuses you to imagine the horror across Jinyoung’s face when he finds two cats sleeping on his bed. “Maybe it will be good if they’re away from the others for a few days.” You pull away from his chest and carefully take his wounded hand. “Does it hurt? Did you disinfect it?”

“No. I was gracefully late to meet you,” he jokes.

“You didn’t even clean your wound? Jaebeom… Enough. Let’s go to a hospital.” Your boyfriend is really giving you reasons to become angry tonight.

“Weren’t you dying of hunger?”

“You could be dying infected by some bacteria.” You entwine your arm with his again and start walking slowly along the street.

“They’re vaccinated already,” he gives you a disapproving look and smiles mockingly. “You went with me, remember any of that? I don’t need a hospital.”

“Of course, I remember. But you’re the cat infections expert.”

Jaebeom laughs quietly. There is a moment of silence when both of you breathe the night vibe in. You leave the small street behind and approach the noisy ones where food carts offer all kinds of midnight snacks, and where music coming from twenty-four-hour stores fills with energy the mood of every pedestrian.

“Let’s go to my place, you prepare kimchi fried rice for me, and I’ll clean your wound.” You softly caress his fingers, careful not to touch his palm and wrist.

“Deal.” Jaebeom smiles sweetly at you, barely capable of containing his excitement. He gives you a shy smile that could explode into roaring laughter at any moment. You could swear that smile you just read shows a glimpse of happiness.

[actualtext]

08/25/21

Windshield

Two weeks ago, two of my tires needed to be replaced (one had a nail, another had an air bubble from a horrendous pothole on an exit ramp in Austin) Today, a rock flew from who knows where onto my windshield only hitting one specific place, but causing at least an 18” crack. I called my insurance to file a claim, when I learned that my deductible was going to be $1000. I cried a bit and then resolved to simply work until I could make the money. It hurt a lot. Since I needed so much time, I scheduled to get it fixed on 09/03/21.

Moving

So, last year I signed a lease at this apartment that was suggested by a friend who happened to need two roommates when me and my roommate at the time also needed a place to go. oof. The time came for us to move, and holy shit did we run into some issues! So first, just so everyone (not that anyone actually reads this) knows, it was student living. My friend that suggested the place is a student currently. Anyways, we're in the process of moving in. I tell my roommate (the one I'd lived with before) that we can move his stuff first for since he lives further away from our new place. It would just be better to get it over with. But I'm still checking out my new room. I check the welcome package I was given, and I only have one key, the mailbox key. So I asked my three other roommates if they had the house key and all three of them say yes. So I have to go to the office which is really busy cause all of the other new students are also moving into their apartment at this time. I stand there for what feels like forever to find out that I also need to take a copy of the key that I need in order to have it replaced. (I don't know, I guess I thought they had a whole fuck load of copies. lmao) So I go back, ask one of my roommates for his apartment door key, then head back to the office where I also request a copy of my room key. They check their key ring and they cannot find a key for my room door. They tell me that they'll have to change the lock. It's fine, it's not locked and I don't need to lock it any time soon. I take the copy of the apartment key and plan to simply keep moving my stuff until they need to change the lock. While I'm out and about, one of the staff members takes the master key to my apartment and tests it on my room door to see if it will work so they can make a copy. In order to test the master key, they need to lock my room door to see if it will unlock. Freakin turns out that the master key doesn't work on my room door. I return with a few items I plan on moving in, I put some stuff in my room but don't plan on staying there that night since I don't have any bed sheets on my bed. I plan to go back to my old place, pack up a little more and return the next day to continue moving in my stuff. As I leave, I close the door to my room, but then remember that I need to grab a coupon that I wanted to use. The door was locked. There was no key and I wasn't able to enter. The following four days are literally just me going to the office, letting them know that my door is locked, them telling me that I need to put in a maintenance request, and me just staring at my door waiting for it to be unlocked. Finally I get fed up and go to the office one last time to let them know that I haven't been able to move in this entire time and it's making me sad. They freak out and get the ball rolling on my lock changing process. Bam, door's open and I can move my stuff in. I love my room and the view that came along with it.

Jake

On the 13th of August, I gave a ride to a guy. It was a normal ride like any other ride I've given. We had a regular conversation, I dropped him off and went about my life. The following morning I received a text from my driver app letting me know that he had forgotten something in my car the night before. I let him know that I had since had multiple people in my vehicle and had even had it washed. I didn't find what he had lost. He gave me his number and told me to message him if I found anything in the future. I said I would, and said my good byes, and then he said his... followed by a wink. I messaged him instantly thinking he was trying to bait me to do so anyways. "A winky face, really?" He gave a good explanation saying that he was at work and his hands were slippery from working with the zucchini that he was loading onto the display at the grocery store he worked at. Maybe I was just naive, but I totally believed him.

He was charming. Funny and sweet. He told me about himself during the car ride the day before. He told me that he had a bunch of babies with his ex wife, wasn't really looking for anything serious, that he was ex military, that he had an 11 year old tumor in his leg that was cancerous and would be the death of him, but that he had to stay positive. I try not to talk about myself too much to my passengers for my own safety, so I didn't really take into consideration that he didn't really ask about me. But looking back, that should have been the first red flag.

He messaged me regularly, asking about my day, telling me about his, how much he was in pain and how shitty having to go to chemo was, and how lonely he was, and how badly he wanted to just be held. I let him know that knowing about all of his pain made me sick to my stomach. I'm an empath. I feel everything very strongly. I told him not to tell me how badly he wanted to be held because I was a people pleaser and that I would be tempted to go hold him. This budding friendship was growing on me way too quickly and way to strongly for me to feel safe, but I didn't want it to stop. It was like yearning death and then being diagnosed with cancer. It was scary, but I wanted it.

And then I actually saw a red flag. It only drew me in more. We had been texting and he had asked for a ride, offering to pay for it of course. I had responded in multiple messages cause he never got back to me. Then at the end of the day, I let him know I was going to sleep and he said it was okay, that he knew I wouldn't be going to drive him since I never responded (which I had, he simply hadn't received the messaged). I showed him proof that I had responded and yet he proceeded to say "I had to spend so much money just to get to and from work" as if it was my fault, when it wasn't anyone's fault that our phones weren't cooperating. I should have left it at that, but I liked him, and I think my reasoning for doing so might be sick af.

I have this theory that I might only like Jake because he's dying. Now hear me out. I've always been into sickly looking pale dudes that look like they're on the verge of death. Since I was about 12, believe it or not. Initially, I thought maybe I was just attracted to him. However, upon further analysis of the situation, I think the people pleaser in me might just feel sorry for him and his situation, and might wanna just make his time left here on the planet as enjoyable as possible. Which is totally fucked up and I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sick.

I say this because... I continued to talk to him, overlooking the red flag. After the whole phone thing happened, we agree to start messaging on instagram instead, since it seemed to be a more reliable method of messaging each other. We discussed how he wished he would just die already. He was tired of being sick and tired. I apologized and explained that I wish there was something I could do to help him. This led into the conversation about (red flag #3 but who's counting?) how people (me, myself and I) always make everything about themselves. This man was a manipulator pro because I believed him. I FUCKING APOLOGIZED FOR MAKING A (supposedly two way, but obviously one way) CONVERSATION ABOUT ME. I felt so shitty. This guy is dying and all I can do is apparently talk to him him about myself and try to help him get to know me. After I apologized profusely (like an idiot), I thought things were better. But of course he felt like shit and I felt like I needed to help him somehow. So then we discussed what he felt would help him and low and behold *CRINGE WARNING* it was physical connection, sex, intimacy. He said he wanted to be held but that he could never get that from anyone. I asked if he had bothered asking anyone to help him in the way he needed to be helped and he said NO. -_- So I explained to him that in order to receive, he would need to ask first. He said rejection would simply add to the stress he was under. My simp self let him know I would totally love to help him but then my insecure self jumped right in and said some bull shit like "but I'm ugly and fat and you probably have higher standards than the likes of me" GROSS. I don't believe I would talk about myself like that. Seeking validation from a fucking man. UGH but you'll see, it's a fucking common occurrence. Me and Jake are toxic for each other and to our selves with each other. Enablers. Its sick. He said some really sweet things, to which I responded sassily, which upset Jake of course. This was all in text so he read my sass as anger. Then he got upset with me. I told him I didn't feel like I was making his life any easier and that I was sorry for the stress I put him under and that I would leave him alone. I genuinely felt bad yet again. This guy was dying and I was trying to be sassy with him? Monster. I left him alone for quite some time, during which I wrote and rewrote potential apologies in order to gain this tortured soul back as a friend. I never sent any, surprisingly. But it crushed me. I wanted him in my life. I felt like all the independence I had gained while being single SIMPly vanished, and I needed his friendship, his companionship, to make me feel like my days weren't being wasted, to make me feel needed. IM SO SICK.

But then... the unimaginable happened. He messaged me "I feel like giving up today" and of course I don't want him him. I live for this toxic exchange. He says "I want to be held." &My naive, people pleasing ways gave me the perfect push to tell him I could be there for him, to hold him. "I wanna be fucked and held." Of fucking course. I mean, I totally already wanted to fuck his brains out anyways, and I already knew thats what the fuck he wanted ultimately. And this was the perfect thing I needed in order to feel needed. Ugh. It was glorious. I'm sick, I know.

So we plan it. We set a day and start making arrangements, and then something weird happens. I have to ask for his address at least four times. I give up after he just doesn't respond. I tell him "It's probably for the better. I feel like I might be coming down with something" which was the truth, and I wouldn't have wanted to get him sick. Just in case he's not receiving my messages like last time, I send him a screenshot of all of the messages I've sent him through instagram. I'm not gonna lie. I felt blown off after he had just asked me to fuck him. I felt like a damn fool being made to wait when I was ready to go.

The following day he messages me asking if I'm okay, and I respond coldly "I'll survive." He says "ok" which I just leave on read cause fuck that two letter piece of shit response. There was a chance I could have had COVID-19. Jerk.... But then that night he messages me at like 2am. I, of course, was already thinking about him so I got excited like a fool. I made him feel bad about not giving me his address which he swears he tried, but that I never got anything. I said, not fucking around, "if that's true, give me your address right now." and the mother fucker did. On top of that, he tried to guilt trip me. I explained that I was still getting over my sore throat and he was like "you're good," saying like "don't worry about me then" and so I was like "okay" BUT THEN he was like "I'll just be here.. ready to go... and still feeling all shitty like the other night.. and thinking about how it's the one year anniversary of my grandma's death" AHHHH haha and yes, I said "I'll be right fucking there" or something along those lines.

So I get there. I shower real quick cause I'm all full of germs. get out and lay next to him and he's just stiff. He seems nervous. He just keeps talking, which is fine. While his voice isn't exactly my favorite, I know he has a lot to get off his chest and so I just let him talk. I caress his arms, and his chest, and his face. I have my mask on just in case. And then I reach down between his legs and start caressing his dick which is already hard, of course, and he starts touching me. I pull down my shorts and panties and he works my hardened nub, and I just want him inside of me already, so I dip his fingers inside of me. The whole time, I'm panting and holding onto him so tight, all while caressing him still. He pulls his shorts down and I continue the assault on his cock, and he asks if I wanna taste, to which I say yes, of course. Cause I really do. I do my best, and I hear him moan and its as rewarding as you would think :) and he uses his big strong hands to guide my head, and the whole oral thing is just wonderful. 10/10 would do again. And then I ask if he has condoms, and he does, thankfully. So he slips one on, I get on my hands and knees on his bed then he plays with me a little and slips it in. Mmm. He honestly felt really good. He's an average sized dude, with no hair obviously (thanks to chemo), so he felt so comfortable inside of me, and I'm just genuinely enjoying him taking me from behind. He does that for a little while, and I guess before he can come, he pulls out so that he can eat me out (ugh, what a fucking gentleman). And I'm all self conscious cause I have a hairy puthy, but he doesn't seem to mind. I just see his cute bald head nodding no, and licking away at my gal, and man he feels so fucking good. I can't help but moan his name. I just wanna hold him there forever but he has other plans. Once he's full, he comes back up, puts my legs on his fucking shoulders and just rams his cock into me and continues to drive himself deeper and deeper, making me feel closer and closer to him. I know I'm a fucking psycho. This is honestly the first time that I've admitted it to myself, and I don't let myself get this way with many people, so it is just as surprising to me as it may be to you (the endless abyss) that I would feel this way about a man I met two fucking weeks ago. So anyways. My mask obviously came off to give him head, and it stayed off. But he fucking kisses me while fucking the shit out of me and I lose my shit. Did I come? No. I never cum unless its with myself. But I felt so fucking good. It felt so nice to feel so wanted for fucking once.

After everything went down, we put our clothes back on and laid in bed for the next few hours just talking like nothing had ever happened. It was wild. My mask was forever lost, or so it seemed after searching for it vigorously. After I left, he gave me a kiss on my cheek, which I feel like I should have reciprocated, I just hadn't ever experienced what I had just experienced so I didn't know exactly how to react.

When I left, he sent me a few texts to let me know that he found my mask, but also to thank me. he said "Thank you. I needed that. To get all of that out. I really do appreciate you lending your body and your time to me. If it sucked for you I'm so sorry. I know you're driving. I'll stop. I hope it really didn't suck that bad, or that you're not mad." and my heart, man.. it just exploded. He was so willing to be vulnerable, and I was thinking to myself, "baby, whenever you want it, it's yours."

Then the next day came around and I was all stupid in love or something cause I drove an hour to drive him 7 minutes away from his house and then drove an hour back home to finish moving my stuff to my new place. What kinda of fucking stupid am I? Why do I feel so strongly about this Jake?

Today, I started feeling insecure. It could be the lack of sleep, or the lack of food or just my general lack of health. I messaged him the lamest thing because wanted reassurance. "Do you by any chance think less of me? heh. Just curious"

To which he responded sarcastically, and broke my heart. I literally cried. Over a boy I've known for two weeks. I haven't been so stupid since high school. I let him know how he had made me feel and he called me manipulative, stating that I was claiming he was a villain and that I was the victim. I was simply communicating how he had made me feel.

I was such a simp for this dying boy and I'm truly ashamed. Part of me wants to believe that he really did like me and that he really just couldn't put much effort into what could have been a great relationship. But part of me, my gut feeling, believes that he just wasn't that into me to begin with, and no matter how much I care for him or about him, it won't change the fact that he doesn't care about me back. I messaged him apologizing for catching feelings cause he had specifically stated that he wasn't looking for anything serious, and yet I caught the feels. I felts like that was a good reason to apologize. I told him I understood that he just simply didn't have the energy or time for someone like me who was yearning for nothing more than an "I miss you too" text. I let him know that ghosting him wasn't an option, but then he told me that he wished I had.

So that's the short story of Jake. It wasn't a happy ending, but it never could have been anyways.

Veggly

A long time ago, I had actively taken part in the whole scrolling and swiping left and right thing. I had seriously given up on dating. It was depressing having to reject so many people in such a short amount of time, compared to doing it in person with months of buffer between each rejection. I just kept my profile up to make friends cause it was taking a told on how I viewed myself. I felt like a bad person, but I also didn't want to lower my standards.

Tristan and I had matched a long time ago. He was so attractive to me that I told him "Sir, you look like a supermodel, unlike my profile RN" trying to be funny. I never got a response, probably cause he had plenty of other options out there. But one day, he messaged me apologizing for the wait. It was really weird and honestly I feel like a last resort.

Francisco just recently matched with me. He also made the first move to message me. He has a cute dog, likes to eat vegan junk food, and is mildly attractive, just being real. He snaps me every day, although really sporadically and sparsely, but he makes that attempt to at least reach out once a day. And that is really refreshing. However, he is moving to Sicily in about three months. heh.

I'm not sure where any of these will go but hopefully I'll end up with at least a friend.

[aro-aizawa]

i just remember all the shit i did when i used to go to this church with my friend. 

like at first i wasn’t religious at all, the only reason i went was because it meant i saw my super-fucking-busy friend at least once a week outside of school and the church we went to was real fun and sort of like a hang out session for the teenagers whilst the main show was going on downstairs. 

but fucking. me. was in my “im so random” phase. 

it makes me want to bleach my brain remember all the shit that i did. like me usually is so wracked with social anxiety outside of my house that i can barely raise my voice to just above normal volume, and have trouble doing absolutely anything to draw attention to myself. but 13-15 year old me still in the random phase? oh my god. 

i did the most ridiculous cringey shit. i would grasp my friends hard in hugs and you know the kid thing where a toddler will grab ahold of an adult’s leg and not let go even if they move? yeah i did that. i would purposely do shit to make my friend embarrassed, i would constantly play the fool and make an idiot out of myself because i knew that was the only way i could get people to laugh even if it was just awkward laughter. i yelled so much, i did so many “random” things and don’t even get me started on the overnight trips that were scheduled.

one time i was a huge fucking idiot away with the group in swansea. it was summer and really fucking sunny but like the idiot i am, i never packed any sunscreen because its expensive and i hate the feeling of it. besides its the uk i doubted it would pass 20 degrees, so no worries if im not out there for too long right? wrong. we spent a whole 5 hours on the beach one time on a really hot summers day and i practically fried my legs. they were as red as a tomato and it was agony if anything so much as touched them. i waddled back to my room and didn’t participate in any activities for the rest of the day. my only saving grace was that we were going home the next day so i only had to endure a coach ride then die at home over the next day all the while i endured the adults giving me both pitying gazes and “i told you so” gazes because i didn’t fucking listen. 

not to mention the other time i went on a religious school trip with my school and as a fun bonding event they held a talent show. and some of these younger girls who were also in the “random” phase convinced me that it would be a good idea to stand up in front of about 40+ people then cry “everybody do the flop” then fall to the ground. there was awkward silence for two whole minutes and i was dying because i tried to back out of it for a ten minutes before but the girls wouldn’t let me.

there are many reasons why i wont step foot in a church nowadays and none of them are to do with the fact that im not religious. 

and thank you for reading all about my cringey phase i want to go bleach my brain now. 

[simkjrs]

chapter 6 asks that are people that i personally victimized

Anonymous said: hi um what the fuck

good question. i’d like to know as well

Anonymous said: I. Am. Shook. Holy shit that chapter. NO WONDER IT TOOK SO LONG. YOU HAD TO PACK SO MANY DAMN EMOTIONS IN IT LITERALLY LEFT ME BREATHLESS BY THE END 

Anonymous said: playing those two songs on repeat while reading ch 6 and trying not to sob cuz this is long (thank you!) and its hard to read through tears man

interesting fact: i cried while writing this chapter. balance

Anonymous said: You have killed me with chapter 6. I am I'm going to die. Again. I have already died reading chapter 2 of MSA and loved it and died and was actually awake all night dying. Oh my god. Chapter 7 and chapter 3 are going to kill me aren't they? I cant wait!

dear diary, my teenage angst bullshit now has a body count 

Anonymous said: The new chapter was amazing and also caused my early death, thanks again!

body count: 2

Anonymous said: Ajhhhhh I have been slain by the new chapter it's so good I read it too fast when can we expect a new update????? Also deku pls. Pls. Just no. Take care of yourself!!!! U 2 simkjrs 

i’m sorry, i don’t have an update schedule!! chapters 1-4 were regular updates because i’d already written them before i started posting the chapter, but now i’m just writing as i go along and... irl stuff tends to get in the way lmao. hopefully an update before the end of summer. 

Anonymous said: simk i was just thinking this wasn't that bad hey this is like normal like where you move on make a friend who supports you confront your enemies BUT HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK THE ENTIRE CLASS VERSUS IZUKU AND SHINSOU that shit doesn't happen in real life that's motherfucking teriffying. URARAKA ALONE IS TERRIFYING ENOUGH. simk, why would you do this.

because i love dying and being dead... 

this stuff wouldn’t happen in real life except class 1-a is full of go-getters who WILL stick their nose into your business and WILL barge in if they think they can help. which is, for izuku, unfortunate. very unfortunate 

Anonymous said: well i read chapter six of byggualom and congrats, u've killed me, i am dead, on so many levels

body count: 3

@hyperhs​ said: That chapter was BRUTAL but also a MASTERPIECE. WELL DONE. like, really really REALLY well done. SO GOOD. AhhhdkHHH

thank you!! i try my best

@ifiwasafruitloop​ said: I burnt my Ramen because I was bingeing your new chap dude lol, it's so good 👍

i burnt your ramen... can you ever forgive these hands for what theyve done...

Anonymous said: I'm full of Viking bad emotions and WHY. I WANT OT PUNCH SOMEONE. AND SHINSOU NO. I OFFICIALLY HATE URARARUKA HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SPELL AND ALMOST EVERYONE IN CLASS A

i have no explanation. im sorry i did this 

@the-swords-of-summer​ said: hey! its me again, dunno if u remember but i screamed abt how much i love your 'but you gotta get up at least once more' fic :)) really glad to see your latest update even tho u probs killed most of your readers (including me) ahaha. hope you have a gr8 day and im looking forward to chapter 7!!

thank you!! sorry if you sent me a previous message and i didnt reply. its probably buried in here summer. but know that i appreciate any and all messages of support i get 

Anonymous said: i already left this as a review but i believe it's worth repeating: AHHHH????????????!!!!!!!??!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me: [slurps up your suffering loudly through a bendy straw] 

Anonymous said: Cant tell u how much that ch crushed me and my legs and feet are numb from all the pacing i did while reading i was so immersed it was scary and u are by far one of the best no THE best fic writer ive ever had the blessing to read the works of and i def have shinsou theories and i hope hes okay also thank u so much for existing but also hwat the fuck

im laughing??? thank you so much for writing in, also i will now add “good for exercise” to my list of redeeming qualities for this fic

Anonymous said: you have killed me dead.

body count: 4

@lizzytiki​ said: I just finished chapter 6 and HOW DARE YOU HOLY SHIT YOU'VE KILLED US ALL

body count: infinity

Anonymous said:Spent the afternoon reading the latest chapter of BYG and... L I S T E N. LISTEN. THAT WAS SO SO GOOD AMD SO EMOTIONALLY RAW BUT ALSO IT HURT WITH THAT ENDING I AM HURT AND SLAIN

body count: 6

Anonymous said: i was afraid to reach chap 6 after all the screaming but i finally managed it and there are literally no words to describe the sheer utter amounts of emotional suffering i am after that ride you MENACE

i am a little gremlin that feeds off your emotional suffering. my job here is done 

Anonymous said: i literally had my fist shoved against my mouth that entire chapter to not wake up my house screaming at 7am and i WANT TO FIGHT YOU FOR THAT END. HOW DARE YOU. i mean i could /feel/ it coming in my gut but i WAS DESPERATE TO BE WRONG AND CANT DEAL

hrjlkfjsdf FEEL FREE TO FIGHT ME... STADING INVITATION TO JUST WALK UP TO ME AND DECK ME WITHOUT EXPLANATION, I WOULD UNDERSTAND

@iceeckos12​ said: About the new chapter: ʕʘ‿ʘʔ

me too buddy. me too 

Anonymous said: Kill me softly (I'm in Denial™)

body count: ...7?

Anonymous said: SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. YOU'RE A DEMON! SATAN IN DISGUISE! I FUCKING LOVE YOU, GODDAMN IT!

@c-jay321​ said: Um sim... how dare you do this to me???? How dare you make me cry after reading the new chapter??? Just as my son was finally getting happy you made him sad again DX and worst of all, how dare you leave me trapped in a realm of suspense after reading the new chapter?? I absolutely adore your writing as always though, and Izuku's relationship with Hatsume, Mitoki, and Shinsou is so sweet!!!

im laughing... thank you, im really glad you’re enjoying those friendships!! and dw things will be ok 

Anonymous said: I hate you for what you have done but I love you for writing the story in the first place.

im sorry for doing this to you

Anonymous said: I am in so much turmoil right now. I love it but I hate it and Vfp&@:hsh!! D: How could you!? Sobs in a corner

someone gave me full responsibility over my own actions and now we all have to deal with it 

Anonymous said: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (also, Izuku-Mitoki-Mei is the best combo) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

all statements in this ask are correct and true 

Anonymous said: I both simultaneously love u and hate u for ch 6. Aside from that u make words beautiful and am currently writing a strongly worded letter for ur hand in marriage. Platonically of course.

all strongly worded letters to the editor should be directed to @wrathia-bellarmina who is my perpetual enabler and the one who encouraged me to go forht with this terrible, horrible idea. i love you dana. your services are indispensible 

Anonymous said: CATCH ME OUTSIDE DON'T HURT TOKOYAMI AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CATCH THESE FUCKEN HANDS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its cool!! everything is cool!!! [everything blatantly on fire in the background] 

Anonymous said: gOD DMAMIT INJUST FINISHED READING YHE LATEST CHAPTER AND I WANNA STAB MYSELF I DINT KNKW WHETHER TO THANM YOU FOR THIS AMAZING CHAPTER OR TO YELL INTO THE VOID

yell into the void... it will probably make you feel better than thanking me when, in fact, i am the cause of all this suffering 

[aliceofthevalley]

Human 4

4.The Freakout

"What do you mean you're leaving?" I couldn't believe any of this.

"Honestly Sawyer you're acting like a child." Avery continued packing, avoiding my gaze. I gripped his upper arm, I had to stop him before he hurt himself.

"Let go." He flung my hand off the second it touched him, leaving me scrutinizing.

"What is your deal, first you don't talk to me, then the team, and now you're leaving us. What gives?"

"Nothing, mind your own business, geez." My heart was stabbed with hurt, but I continued.

"No, talk to me, please!"

"Sawyer- " he warned over his shoulder as he grabbed his bag heading towards the door. I followed vigilantly.

"Please, I want to help. Just talk to me." We walked ten steps before he turned on his heels to face me.

"Look I don't wanna talk about it. I don't want you helping me, I'm leaving. That's the end of it. As far as you're concerned, we never met and that kiss never happened, so stop trying to butt into my personal life." He was inches away from my face, everything about him screamed ice in that moment. The way he said it, the bluntness of my position now in his life, or lack thereof. I was in utter awe and shock as the floor started swirling beneath me.

"I…uh…" he turned back, leaving me alone to stand in the hall holding back tears. He was just about to turn the corner and leave when I did the unthinkable.

"Why can't you just trust me for once, or anyone for that matter? What did we do to warrant this from you. It's like you're a different person now! I miss you, we miss you, let us help you." I was on verge of tears grasping the wall for support.

"Why?" He said over his shoulder.

"Why?" I gasped.

"Because I love you and I can't watch you go walking to your death alone." I lost it, salty rivers began flowing silently down my face.

"I guess you're disappointed now, huh." Avery turned leaving a cold emptiness in his wake. Everything froze, my brain trying to process it all before it fully hit me. Wave after wave of pain, anxiety and depression lapped at my body, crushing my heart, each beat weaker as realization took it over. I couldn't take it and my legs crumbled under me finally. Monstrous sobs found their way to my throat and into the air, bouncing around the ship, like Avery's final words to me. I curled up into a ball, sobbing until darkness overtook my senses, leaving alone but in peace, a death like sleep.

…………….

I woke up to the sound of faint ship engines running, my face planted on the cold metal floor. There weren't any voices I could make out nearby, so I didn't put effort in trying to get up, just laying there perfectly still. How could this happen, he tossed me aside like nothing. I expected that from my friends and family back home, but never Avery. He made me feel inspired, like I was worth something. Guess not. Tears welled up as I began to regain full consciousness. I hated crying, hated the way it made me feel isolated and weak. In the distance, heavy footsteps slowly approached where I was, probably Azmi and Ridge about 75 yards away from where I laid; I could practically hear the obnoxious green hair from here. I jumped up quickly rushing to a nearby bedroom suite, careful to avoid detection. I quietly shut the door behind me; something starting to rumble at my core, rising toward my heart. Cover your mouth, don't make a sound. A few minutes past before Azmi and Ridge came into listening range.

"Where could she be. It's not like her to miss training."

"Azmi, we've known her for, like, a month."

"Yeah, but in that month, she's consistently gone to practice. Not to mention dinner, and an earth movie she specifically wanted to watch was scheduled to play in the media room tonight." They paused walking, a mere few feet from where I was.

"Look, Sawyer checked in after coming back with Avery, right?" A new, stronger wave of pain rolled over me at the mention of Avery. I barely could subdue the cry tearing my throat and regain composure.

"She's here, probably in her room."

"But her room -" she tried objecting.

"Kid, she's fine; gone exploring to clear her head for awhile." The subject dropped, and with it their conversation. Their footsteps traveling once again. I waited in silence trying to swallow back my feelings, until I couldn't contain it anymore. I pressed my back against the door before falling into a slump and cried. How could he, how could he?

Was it me? Yes that's it, I always had a knack for screwing up relationships. But how, how? Everything was fine until today. No it wasn't, it couldn't have been me, I tried helping but he wouldn't listen. Why didn't he listen? You weren't a part of this fight, he is. You weren't worth knowing anyway.

Voices swam around and around, arguing, so much arguing. Hands to my ears I tried shutting them off, but they just grew louder, making me want to scream. I didn't want to know who did what and whose fault this mess is, I wanted to just feel. The voices hushed before speaking. Then why don't you. Do it. Do it. Do it. Grabbing a pillow from the nearby bed, stuffing it into my face, I screamed, hard and painful. Anger, depression, suffering all coursed through my veins, making me unstable. I got up, blinded by the moment and walked over to the far side of the room where picture frames, seashells, and antique glass bottles sat collecting dust on a beautifully furnished wood shelf. I snatched a blue bottle. Break it; Break it; Break it. Destroy everything, let it all burn to cold ashes.

I threw it against the door, shattering into a shower of broken shards. The adrenaline from it persuaded me to grab another, this time a picture, of what I can't say as salty tears distorted it in the time I had before smashing it among the glass. Item after item, I threw at the ground, until I didn't have anymore emotional strength, reverting back to a wailing mess kneeling on the ground.

Why was I acting like this? All this for a boy I've only known for a couple weeks, this isn't Twilight.

No, but he did make me feel important, no one else has even put effort into doing something like that for me. And yet he left me here, alone in space far from my home- although, planet is more fitting- back to feeling used.

"Sawyer…" a quiet voice interrupted my deprecating thoughts.

"Seil- I…" I turned towards the door, wiping away my shame and slapping on a fake smile. Seil frowned before looking around the tetanus inducing floor I created, stepping over the broken pieces. She wore a long sleeved, floor length dress that dragged glass with it.

"Its 11 pm, you should go to your quarters now, Sawyer.”

"Of course, I’ll get right on that." Before I could leave, she trapped me in a bear hug.

"Should, but won't; I can practically hear the adrenaline in your system. " I tentatively hugged back, her arms tensed and eyes avoiding mine.

"I'm sorry about Avery." I pulled her closer. There was a long pause before she added.

"Don't worry about the mess, I'll clean it up before morning." Seil pulled out, holding me at arms length. At this distance, I fully took in how human she was, more than anyone on this ship.

"Now go get changed, if you're anything like Avery, you'll probably want to head to the combat gym. I'll make sure no one goes looking for you until you calm down." Something happened. Her movement was ridged and choppy, a slight tremor through her body had formed since I last saw her. I didn't know what but something happened to her, I could feel it in my gut. As she began to sweep a path for me outside, I blurted out

"Stop hiding it."

"What?"

"Whatever you're keeping from telling me, stop hiding it. Something went down while I was out, and I need to know." Seil bit her lip, staring at her scuffed shoes nervously.

"It-it's nothing. Nothing happened since you 'went missing', I'm-im just, uh, shocked by your…behavior." It was a blatant lie, but I let it slide since she was helping me. I tiptoed out the door, following Seil down the hall to the deserted athletic facilities.

"I…thanks."

"It'll be our little secret. Now go get dressed."

……………...

The punching bag swayed again after the hundredth hit i dealt. It still amazed me how effortlessly I felt training, yet weird to be able to in the first place.

In, out, breathe.

Sweat beaded on my skin, a welcoming distraction from life for once. I stepped back, smoothing back my hair from my face. Hours had passed, it was probably breakfast time judging from my sore muscles and aching knuckles underneath the thin boxing gloves I was using.

In, out.

Trudging to a nearby bench, I peeled back the gloves revealing a small white bone painted in splashes of garnet, peeking out of my right pointer finger. A couple weeks had jaded me; wearing only a slight frown before pulling off the left and throwing them apathetically to the gym floor. I made my way to the locker room, opening the doors cautiously with my shoulder. Placing my injured hand in the complementary first aid medical bot, I grimaced as my finger was manhandled; the broken bone shoved back into place, fused back together, then the skin stitched and sprayed with antiseptic, all in a matter of seconds using technology I couldn't comprehend nor had time to even care about it. I stripped, dumping my disgusting, sweaty clothes into the laundry shoot and stepping into a nearby shower. Warm water embraced my back as i stood motionless. How long had it been... 4, 5 weeks since I last took an antidepressant? Dang, no wonder life sucks. I tilted my head back swishing my hair around and applying shampoo, followed by conditioner and then shaving. Life felt meaningless and empty. Not just because of Avery, though it didn't help, but the fact I was trillions of light years from Earth. I missed my family, my real family- the one that wasn't hunting me down and trying to kill me. I missed my old life. And Oreos! I teared up at the thought of never having Oreos again; never mind dying , I'll never get to have Oreos again. I smirked to myself.

However, it faded quickly as emptiness came flooding back in, bringing memories of the dead with it; People I killed yesterday. How had I been fine up until now, doing that, murdering members of families and friends in less than an afternoon. How many died because of my actions? Deep down I knew I'd probably killed more than yesterday's blood bath, more innocent souls in heartless slaughter. And I think I enjoyed doing it. I had the skills, backed by the story Ameia told me, and yesterday as testament to that. My heartbeat became more and more painful, recognizable as it rammed itself into my ribcage. I rested my forehead against the tiled shower wall closing my eyes. Breathe. Yesterday was an accident, I didn't mean to kill them, I tried to save them; there wasn't anything I could've done. But those before… we can't change the past, especially not one I can't remember fully. Hot tears brimmed my eyes as guilt ate into me. I was shaking violently to the point of stopping the shower entirely and forcing me into the fetal position on the soaking floor. Three separate occasions of crying in the last 24 hours, how wonderful. I fill my lungs; in, out, in, out, pull yourself together Sawyer, geez. Deep breaths, come on.

Push, pull, push, pull, push, pull, push, pull.

Minutes of trying to battle a guilty conscious, successful. I shakily stood up, grabbing a clean towel and leave in conditioner from my locker. As clean as I felt physically, nothing could cleanse my soul. I dried my body and put the leave in conditioner in my hair; how long was it now? I turned my head towards a mirror, I made a startling discovery seeing a cascading head of milky white almost to my elbows, a stark contrast to the dark brown bob it had been hours before.

"Huh?" I marched closer, and on further inspection, realized my new arctic blue eyes.

"Great now I'm Hitler's fever dream reanimated." It changed. My whole entire body changed in a matter of minutes for some weird trivial reason. I mean the proportions are still the same, but…

"Nope. I'm done with this bull. I'm done. Just done. Nope."

I turned away from the mirror and began to break into all the girls lockers using a paperclip I found in my gym bag. It wasn't until I got to Azmi's, that I successfully found the compressed version of a professional hair salon fully stocked. Rows upon rows of scissors, curlers, flat irons and hair dye ornamented the locker, a kaleidoscope of colors and bottles. I grab a couple of gray, blue, and purple boxes and set to work.

…………….

"'Morning guys." Everyone looked up from their meals, their eyes instantly widening.

"Uh, Sawyer…what's with the uh…"

"Yeah, you look…" Ridge and Teauz continued to try and overcome their initial surprise, failing spectacularly in the process. Azmi, however had zero trouble with it.

"Did you use my hair dye?" She screeched, rising from her seat. Her eyes flared with metaphorical fire, not even trying to sugarcoat her disgust with me.

"No, Azmi, I magically changed hair colors while I was gone and forgot to tell you. Oops." Not a complete lie, but still misleading to a degree. She rolled her eyes and folded her arms superiorly.

"Don't take that tone with me, you spoiled brat. We were searching for you all night, and this is how you repay me- us?" She stumbled, the narcissist. She tsked at me like a disappointed mother with sickening seaweed hair.

"Either way, next time you're going to dye your hair, at least make it look professional; honestly you have a tie-dyed t-shirt for hair right now. You're a princess, aren't you, at least have some dignity." She sat back down and scoffed, preceding to treat me like a little fly. I could tell the guys were uncomfortable with how I appeared as well as the confrontation. Probably thought I'd gone crazy, since I kinda disappeared the entire day. Whatever, I'd rather deal with the notion that I've lost it because of Avery than being a hate symbol. Seil entered the dining room from the kitchen carrying a plate of pancakes with a yellow soup, and a cup of tea when she met my eyes. I caught a flicker of relief pass over her.

"Miss Sawyer, good morning. I took the liberty of preparing some food I thought you would like since you didn't request anything." She smiled brightly as I grabbed a chair and sat down away from the others. I avoided their glances while Seil placed my food in front of me and left. Silence accompanied the song of chewing, cutting, and slurping, which lasted for a good half hour.

"So, what's the plan for today?" I pushed away my now clean plate and straightened myself.

"Uh, yeah, right the plan and stuff." Teauz painfully tried to focus again, fidgeting with his fingers. Ridge managed to say, "We're circling around a nearby moon: there's been sightings of military forces patrolling around this solar system. Once we're sure it's safe to leave, we will." They avoided eye contact while picking at their food.

"Oh…'kay. Should I go get dressed for combat or…"

"No!" They panicked, spilling a cup of silver fluid in the floor. Azmi rolled her eyes and summoned Seil before pouting some more.

"I-I mean, no need to today, we're staying on board." Teauz fidgeted more, casting a glance at Ridge, who wore a slightly muffled, deadpan expression.

"Uh, alright…" Standing up, I turned to leave.

"Wait where are you going?"

"My room, why?" Teauz stopped fidgeting trying to think of an excuse.

"Because…" There was a long pause.

"Look, I get you're worried about me, especially after last night; but you need to chill. I'm not running away, or hijacking the ship, or even sulking; I'm just going to my room to work on some stuff." He nodded, before sitting back down slowly along with Ridge. I made it out of the room before they could say anything else.

…………….

The smell of old paper and bound leather was intoxicating. Walls of books stood mountainous before me, lined with knowledge. Since everyone was on the upper decks, I took it upon myself to unlock the secret library no one seemed to want to talk about with me.

[beaceswan]

update: september 30, 2018

i actually have not been on tumblr for years, but since i asked zoe to take away my social media platforms im resorting to this. also this is just a good outlet to release any thoughts of mine since not that many people are on here anymore. 

i am twenty years old now. in november i am turning twenty-one, and even though that is most people’s favorite age to approach for me, my birthday means that i am getting older and older, life is passing by, and i am still playing catch up. 

just going to address now that this entire post probably won’t make sense just because i am typing away as my thoughts come at me fast. it does not really matter anyways because i do not think anyone will read this other than zoe which is probably up to date on how i am feeling in general already. 

this week was hectic and today was turmoil. maybe it is just the fall season or maybe i really am entering phase one of adulthood or something because fuck man i am more confused than ever. i feel so out of tune with myself. my anxiety has been off the charts these days which sucks because i thought i dealt with all that shit spring of 2018, but here are these paralyzing ass thoughts again coming to haunt me. i often have to type or write my thoughts just to catch and release them so i am not immobilized for hours. even then, i feel unresolved.

wondering when i will gain clarity in my life. honestly as cliche as it sounds i am constantly posing the question: “who am i?” because really... who the FUCK am i?????? a lot of this year consisted of finding myself, and figuring out what i need and want and what i don’t. now i am just putting all the pieces together, but even then i feel as if what i’ve obtained is not enough. definitely some personal characteristics that i need to build up on. feeling like i am not good enough. do not want to feel that way anymore. 

i woke up feeling heavy hearted because of a multitude of things. one big factor is that yesterday at the dean’s party, joshua leaving to go to school in san antonio really settled in for me. maybe i am just being too emotional now, and the reality is, i am probably going to see him as often as i do now even when he is upstate just because in college, we do not see everyone we want to see as often even if we are just a few miles apart. everyone’s schedules are so busy and different from one another it is difficult to align. i don’t even think that he considers me that close, but for me, that boy holds such a special place in my heart especially after all that weird ass bull shit that we all encountered together as brunch club summer and fall of 2017. those were the best of times and those were the worst of times. pains me because i feel like a major part of my heart and pack here at home is parting. first all the other people that we parted from a little when we graduated high school, then miguel, then joshua, then others... goodbyes are difficult. 

the idea of me leaving home too is soon becoming a reality. october is now here. i plan on taking my ATI in november or december. need to turn in my applications in december and january as well. i hope things turn out well too. but this idea of me moving away from everything that i know and love is excruciating to even think about, so imagine how the hell i am going to react whenever things actually play out for me. this stresses me out to my core, man. last night when i came home, i just felt in my heart that i should stay home, but i do know that i want to do this overall. 

a lot of questions come to mind like: is macho going to be okay? are my parents going to be okay? they should’ve had another damn child to keep them company, but also help me fend for our family in the future lol. will my parents be depressed? will i be depressed? because i am pretty sure i will be because a lot of my strength does not come from within, but it comes from the people that love me dearly. other questions too. a lot more actually. i just do not like pressing the shift button to create the question mark because it makes my hands perform this unnatural position, hence why this entire post is not capitalized either. 

is this what adulthood is like? difficult and lonely? am i always going to feel confused and off centered? because if so, just off me now! just partially kidding, but honestly, the idea of living fast and dying young does sound appealing to me. i won’t do it ever though. i am not suicidal or anything. i obviously do want to see this life through. and despite the negative thoughts i do recognize that there are so many other things that are so prominently lovely in life that i have.

actually, i am going to talk about that now because of balance and shit right? pemdas? cancel out the negative with a positive. 

even though life is a little crazy, and i don’t know if i personally make it crazy because i am a little off as a person in general, or if it is just meant to be this way, i am blessed through and through. and even though it doesn’t feel great in these moments, it is still good. though this idea is something that i struggled with all my life, i know i am not alone. i know that i am far from it, even in these thoughts that i have in my head, i know there are many others that share the same feelings and contemplations. 

i know this is a major shift from the beginning of this post, but i am feeling better. may change in a few hours, but just because you are thinking certain thoughts it does not mean that they are always true. you control and have the power to believe what is prominent in your mind and what is not. 

thankful for a God that helps me recognize that. thankful for the resources and the people that he has provided me along this journey. it is full of valleys and mountains, but i’d like to believe that the ups and the good things in life are worth it. 

counting my blessings in maslow’s hierarchy of needs (basically, because i recognize that i am fulfilled to the brim and more)

1. physiological needs: i have the bare necessities in life. just had a good ass meal of corned beef and fried rice. haven’t had that combination in a while. can drink 8 glasses of water per day, even more, if i wanted to. was able to sleep, have air conditioning in my house. 

2. safety needs: security and safety is met. fortified house. former gangster of a dad who is in possession of several effective weapons. strong enough body? macho is a better watchdog now, he barks more when he feels threatened. my community is generally safe. i also have a good sense of intuition? 

3. belongingness and love needs: great family. me, mom, dad, and macho. they are the most perfect combination of beings that i could ask for in my life. sometimes my dad irritates the shit out of me, but i still love him endlessly, as he does me. i am blessed with the best of friends. honestly, i couldn’t ask for a better pack of people to lift me up and make life worth living. 

4. esteem needs: something that i am still working on, but for the most part, with the correct mindset, my perspective of self is much better than what it used to be. 

5. self-actualization: it’s getting there. i am getting there. i have all the resources that i need in life to be the best version of myself, and i am getting there. 

fighting! 

[thisnerdsadventures]

Hi guys! Sorry for not posting since like literally pi day, I’ve been absolutely hosed for the past weeks. I thought I would be a lot freer this week, but instead of going from 100 to 50, my life only went from 100 to 90 whoops! I’ve been spending a lot of time on CPW stuff, so  I hope yall 2021′s are hyped af!!! I’ll post something about it soon idk

Let’s talk about oh cool things I’ve done the past couple weeks in the midst of literally internally dying:

i made a marble

so MIT has this freshman maker lodge program where freshmen can learn how to use laser cutters, 3D printers, basic tools and gain access to those around campus. Recently they’ve extended this to include glassmaking so I took that class and made a small marble! It actually wasn’t super intimidating, I’m surprised how flexible-ish glass is when you heat it up super high.

Actually one of my goals for this semester is to take advantage of more things at MIT just going on to learn more things and take advantage of being here and having more fun learning things idk

i went to hmart

i also wanted to expand my friend network a bit this semester just because people here are pretty busy and tend to pack their schedules, so it’s hard to find time sometimes to spend with people. i figure the more people i know, the more likely someone I know will be free?

i’m in new york!

my mom flew over instead of me flying back for break and we’re visiting new york right now - its my first time here!

random thoughts: so people really booked it after class today, which is understandable - the past couple weeks have been pretty rough. i had two exams, two psets and an essay in the past two weeks along with hours upon hours of cpw prep and so its been very busy and wild, and i’m still trying to make up for a sleep deficit. i’m following my old robotics team as they go in all their competitions and im really glad to see how well theyre doing - check them out here. they’re competing at the los angeles regional right now and are ranked #6/60.