#i have never tried seagull its illegal here bc theyre protected but i did look up what they taste like for this post and

[coridallasmultipass]

Has Dirk ever actually eaten steak?

(TW casual animal death I guess, sorry)

Okay, so this is a total shitpost idea I had last night on Tweeter and I said I'd make it a post here, so I'm following through. Bear with me, because if I jump past my thought process, I'll probably sound like a total maniac for even imagining this.

Let me back up.

I was thinking about Dirk (a normal occurrence). Then I start thinking about Nepeta, since they have the same Aspect. And then I start thinking about Tavros' cat allergies. So then I circle back to Dirk, since Dirk has obviously never seen a cat in person before, and therefore has no built-up immunity to cat dander, and would definitely be hella allergic. (Also, it's been my headcanon since, like, the dawn of time, that Dirk would have a shit immune system when it comes to humans, on account of never being around another person in his life, and he probably gets super sick upon meeting up with people in person for the first time.)

Back to the steak quote. Dirk has obviously never eaten like, actual steak from a cow before. Cows probably don't even exist anymore, outside of maybe a scant few super high elevation places on the other side of the globe. He probably wouldn't be able to digest it well regardless, since he's never had red meat. Dirk says he fishes, and he's obviously got seagulls around, so that's probably also on the menu (besides the super expired canned and dry ration shit left behind), and it's as natural as eating chicken is for everyone else (cough chicken of the sea joke cough), and he assumes that's what chicken is supposed to taste like, which leads to a hilarious spit-take for his first time trying actual chicken.

Moving forward to post-game. We're gonna set this scenario inside a neat little anime beach episode setting where everyone is happy and alive, because that makes it hilarious. Everyone's having a chill day at the beach. The seagulls presumably pester everyone who has a shiny bag of chips in their hands. People are playing volleyball. It's lunch time.

Dirk is looking at the seagulls eyeballing his bag of chips like, "Man, these guys are so dumb, watch this." And he calls a seagull over because he knows how to call them in a way they immediately trust him, and just... kills it quickly, and goes, "Alright, that was easy, let's start the barbecue, guys."

But there's a pall that's fallen over everyone. The beach ball blows past like a tumbleweed. Everyone's* mouth is agape in pure horror.

Dirk looks at the seagull in his hands. And back at the group. And he's like, "This is another one of those things I needed to deprogram, isn't it."

Everyone is whispering like, "What the fuck..." But to make things worse, Jade declares that there needs to be a funeral for the seagull, because literally no one else there is okay with eating it (and no one told Dirk beforehand, but someone already brought store-bought and pre-seasoned chicken for the barbecue, which doesn't make sense to him because it's not even fresh, aren't you supposed to have like a 'catch of the day' type of thing? Someone has to tell him that that only applies to fish, however arbitrary that seems). And Dirk has to stand there, living the most embarrassing moment of his life, keeping his cool, while perfectly good seagull meat is being lowered into the ground. People build a fucking sand castle memorial.

Jade like, gives him a hug like, "It's okay, Dirk, you didn't mean to do it." And Dirk has to bite back a 'Yeah, I kinda did mean it. This is stupid, and if anything, even worse to waste its life for nothing.' But he has enough self-awareness to know when to at least keep his mouth shut to prevent further damage.

He never could get over how weird chicken actually tastes, it's like fluffy and weird and doesn't even fit the theme of a beach party.

*everyone, except Jake and Nepeta/Davepeta, is completely scandalized at the image of Dirk just snapping a seagull's neck like it's nothing. They still wouldn't eat it, but they at least don't think he's a murderer for doing it.