#i have my abandonment issues so i can guess how hard it must have been for her

[snakedemonstories]

You know what? I love Xiao Yao. She has her abandonment issues and blah blah blah, but even now after all that he's said and done to her (let's remember: he has told her he had no feelings for her, that opening her heart up to FFB was foolish, he hurt her using the bug and made her feel like she is merely a pawn to his purpose) she still considers him a friend. And has the courage to tell him so. Risking a hurtful reply from him. Because even at this point, she still hopes that he can change his mind and save himself from a certain death. And that means more to her than keeping her ego intact.

His reply is not surprising at all. All he does at this point is push her away and make her hate him. He won't be another person who abandoned her, because he won't allow himself to get close to her.

[taeyongdoyoung]

daddy's home

summary: boyfriendless, jobless and hopeless, you rush to take the first opportunity you find, which is a nanny position. but the kids are not the only ones you grow fond of... pairing: seungcheol x reader genre: fluff, smut, single dad x nanny AU warnings: kids (triggering, i know), age gap (unspecified), mentions of past cheating, abandonment issues, potential therapy, male masturbation, confessions, blowjob, kissing, eating out, protected sex (unbelievable), dirty talk, size kink, pet names (sweetheart, angel, darling, little girl), sir+daddy kink, unprotected sex (with baby-making goal), breeding kink, creampie, more kids (sorry im ovulating) author's note: this is loosely based on the sitcom the nanny in that there's a single dad with three kids but minus the dead wife trope cuz that's too depressing for my tastes word count: 4.3k

You are desperate. Your shitty boyfriend cheated on you, broke up with you and you also lost your job. So it’s been a couple of terrible weeks. Now, you would take pretty much any kind of job as long as it pays enough for you to afford food and the bills. ASAP.

Single dad looks for a live-in nanny for his three kids. Full-time with Sundays off. Contact this number for more details.

Okay, truth be told, you’ve never considered yourself as someone who is good with kids. But how hard can it be? Have you mentioned you’re desperate?

“Listen, Miss L/N,” Mr. Choi, your potential future employer starts. “I appreciate your enthusiasm but I’m not just going to hire you. I’m looking for someone with experience.”

“Well, I have a bunch of nephews, if they turned out alright under my care, then I guess that counts for something,” you chuckle.

“That’s very nice but I’m talking about professional experience. Have you been a nanny before?”

“Technically, no, but how can I get experience if you won’t hire me?”

“Touché,” Mr. Choi laughs.

“How about a trial period? Let me spend some time with your kids under your supervision and prove myself capable.”

Mr. Choi nods reluctantly.

“Well, you’re in luck since my little goblins have driven away five nannies in the past month.”

Oh, dear. Five nannies…And here you were thinking this could be an easy job.

“So, what’s one more?” you chuckle nervously and Mr. Choi shakes your hand, agreeing to give you a chance.

You are excited when meeting his kids. The eldest daughter - Chaerry is 15, very elegant and polite. You think that you’ll have no problems with her and you’ll have lots to talk about. The middle child and only son - Dino is 10, extremely mischievous and loud. You’ll definitely have problems. Finally, the youngest daughter, Elsie, is 5, she’s such a cutie but leaves a mess of her toys everywhere she goes. It’s easy to trip if you’re not careful, but nothing you can’t handle.

The trial period goes by in a flash. Dino attempts to get on your nerves by pulling pranks like hiding fake spiders in your bag and spraying your outfit with ketchup, but you accept all that with an easygoing laugh. Elsie constantly asks you to play with her toys and you need an unlimited source of ideas to keep up with her wild imagination, but it feels more like fun than a job. Chaerry is quiet and doesn’t share much at the beginning but eventually tells you about this boy at school she has a crush on. So, you count that as a success.

“I must admit, Miss L/N, I had some worries at first but seeing how quickly my kids accepted you is remarkable,” Mr. Choi shares his observations with you at the end of the trial period.

“So, am I hired, then?” you beam with excitement.

“Absolutely, yes. The kids have taken a liking to you and changing nannies so often is probably not great for them, either.”

“So true. Kids need stability and I would be happy to stick around for as long as you’ll have me, Mr. Choi,” you are thrilled not only because you will have a bed to sleep, food to eat and money to spend, but because you are genuinely looking forward to spending more time with these little munchkins.

And spend time with them you do. You're not sure what exactly it is that makes the kids warm up to you, but whatever the reason, it's working.

With Chaerry, you talk about boys and high school drama and make-up. On one occasion, she tells you something that sincerely touches you.

“Thank you for being my best friend, Y/N. I know I shouldn't keep stuff from my dad, but he can be so overprotective sometimes it's difficult to talk about...well, going on dates with boys, mostly.”

“Aww, Chae, you can tell me anything. It'll be our little secret,” you give her a wink, followed by a hug.

You're not exactly sure what the correct response here is. But you'll make sure to maintain some kind of balance - both look after her safety so that Mr. Choi sleeps peacefully at night and not betray Chaerry's trust in you.

With Dino, after the initial phase of silly pranks passes, you notice that he's become more honest and calm.

“You won't leave us like our mom and all the other nannies did, will you?” he asks you one afternoon as you're watching TV together.

You haven't asked Mr. Choi what exactly happened with these kids' mother because frankly, it's none of your business, but something is telling you they're a lot more hurt than they let on.

“I'm not going anywhere, Dino,” you promise, though really, it's up to Mr. Choi to decide that.

“Good. It would really suck if you left.”

That's a lot, coming from the kid who damaged like half of your wardrobe with all kinds of sauces.

With Elsie, another strange situation takes place due to the fact that the kid has no filter.

“Let's play family!”

“Um, okay,” you agree without thinking much.

“This will be daddy,” Elsie points at a stuffed lion plushie and then grabs a tiger plushie, “And this is you, mommy!”

“Oh, honey. I'm not your mommy,” you try to explain as gently as possible.

“But can you be? Daddy says our mommy left and has a new family somewhere else.”

Okay, that's a lot to unpack here. Though you don't think it is your place, you'll need to have a conversation with Mr. Choi, because the kids obviously have some kind of unresolved trauma...

One evening, after the kids have gone to sleep, instead of going to your room, you wait in the living room for your employer to come back from work, so you can approach the subject as delicately as you can.

“Good evening, Miss L/N. Kids go to bed?” he greets you as he takes off his coat.

“Evening, Mr. Choi. Yes, they did. I was wondering if we can have a chat. It can be a sensitive topic, I'm sure, but for the sake of the kids, I think it's important.”

Mr. Choi nods and takes a seat next to you on the couch.

“About their mother...”

“I was wondering how long it'd take you to bring that up,” he chuckles bitterly. “Other nannies wanted me to spill the tea on day one.”

“Wow, seriously?”

“It's not like it's this big secret, I just prefer not to talk about it unless absolutely necessary. My ex-wife...cheated on me and got pregnant by another man, so we had a divorce and I kept the kids, because she said she wants to start anew with this other guy, and...well, the kids said this is their home and that they won't move. So, I suppose the judge took that under consideration.”

“My God. I had no idea.”

“You couldn't have known, considering I just said I don't enjoy revisiting those painful memories.”

“Yes, of course, I only meant that...I guess it explains some things. Forgive me for saying this, but I think the kids have some kind of abandonment issues. Elsie and Dino, in particular, they seem to have a fear that I'll leave just like...well, their mom and the other nannies.”

“And are you? Leaving, I mean.”

“Not if I can help it. Mr. Choi, your kids are very vibrant and precious to me. I genuinely love my job. But I'm worried that what happened with your ex-wife affected them more than they show. Maybe you should look into therapy?”

“I will definitely take that into consideration. Thank you for your candour, Miss L/N.”

“You're most welcome.”

“What about Chaerry?”

“What about her?”

“You said that Elsie and Dino express these abandonment issues. Does Chaerry not have them?”

“She probably does, but at the moment she's too busy thinking about boys.”

“Boys? At her tender age? I don't think so,” Mr. Choi immediately goes into ultra alpha protective dad mode and you honestly find it kind of funny. And hot.

“Oh, relax, Mr. Choi. It's just typical high school drama. There's nothing to be worried about.”

He shakes his head disapprovingly.

“I'm counting on you. Does it ever occur to you how quickly they grow up?”

“I suppose it's more difficult for you. I've only known them for a few months but I think I get what you mean.”

“Yeah...How strange, it feels like you've been part of this family forever.”

You try not to think too deeply about it. He...considers you part of this family. Elsie called you mommy. Dino doesn't want you to leave. And Chaerry talks to you about boys. A topic, which girls usually discuss with their mothers. Oh, sweet heavens. Maybe, this nanny gig is becoming more than a job...

One Monday Mr. Choi texts you not to come to work this Saturday, as the kids will be spending some time with their grandparents (aka Mr. Choi's parents). However, the moment you receive the text, you're too busy trying to escape from Dino who is chasing you with a water gun in the garden. So, you somehow forget to put it down in your calendar.

Saturday arrives and poor Mr. Choi thinks you'd be in your own apartment. Finally, some peace and quiet. His parents picked up the kids early in the morning to go to the park with them so he's all alone and free to do as he pleases.

But alas, you go down the stairs of Mr. Choi's enormous house and make your way to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast for the kids. However, it's too quiet. Hm, how strange. Maybe, they're not awake yet? You shrug as you pour some milk and cereal in a bowl.

Oh, you hear some noise from the living room. Is that the TV? Your curiosity gets the better of you and you enter it only to find Mr. Choi in a very compromising position. He is touching himself, watching very obscene things on the big screen!

You are on the verge of chastising your boss for doing something like that in the living room, where the kids could walk in any minute, when you remember. The kids...They're with their grandparents today. Which means that...Fuck, you're not supposed to be here. You should be at your own apartment instead of being witness to...your very sexy and very single employer taking care of his needs.

You are going to sneak back into the kitchen and wait for a more appropriate time to leave the house when you hear it. At first you think you're hallucinating but then you hear it twice. Your name.

“Y/N...please, let me-” Mr. Choi moans, his eyes closed, he is unaware of your presence.

However, he doesn't get to finish his sentence because you are so shocked that you drop the bowl of cereal, which shatters on the ground with a loud noise.

“Fuck, I'm so so sorry,” you murmur nervously as your boss finally notices you watching him.

His cheeks flushed, his lips pouting, he is the most adorable you've ever seen him. He hurries to tuck his cock back into his pants and turn off the TV.

“N-no, I'm sorry...Miss L/N, what are you doing here?”

Oh, so you're Miss L/N now...Very well, then.

“I apologize. It must have slipped my mind that the kids are with their grandparents today.”

“It must have,” Mr. Choi repeats coldly, obviously embarrassed by this situation.

You wonder if you should tell him what you heard. Would that be unprofessional? But then again, he is the one who said your name, so...what is professional anyway?

“Do you want me to leave?”

He sighs deeply.

“What's the point? You already saw me...fuck, I feel so humiliated.”

“Why would you feel humiliated? Am I so undesirable that my presence immediately turned you off?” you ask bluntly.

“That's not the case and you know it.”

“I'm not sure I know anything anymore,” you admit. “You...said my name. How is that supposed to make me feel?”

“You were never meant to hear that,” Mr. Choi hides his face behind his hands, the redness refusing to leave his complexion.

“But I did. So, what now?”

“Please, don't quit. I realize that what I did is unforgivable but...the kids care about you so much, it would devastate them to lose you.”

“I wasn't even thinking of quitting. But...are the kids the only ones who care about me?” you need to know.

“No...As it so happens, I care about you.”

“So, stop hiding from me,” you don't know where that boldness comes from as you grab his wrists and remove his hands, so you can look at his face. Fuck, he's so pretty.

“You're not...grossed out by me?” Mr. Choi blinks at you in surprise.

“Kinda flattered, actually,” you confess. “But I'd like it much better if you let me take care of your frustrations.”

“You would?” he is unable to believe his luck when you drop on your knees in front of him and take him out of his pants again, engulfing his cock with your pretty mouth. “Y/N...”

The way he says your name is enough to make you even more enthusiastic, sucking him deeper and bobbing your head to the best of your abilities. He grips your hair tightly and you make sure not a drop is spilled as you swallow his cum down your throat. You wipe off your lips and sit down next to him, unsure of what to do next.

“Mr. Choi...”

“Call me Cheol, please.”

“Cheol...may I kiss you?”

Seungcheol doesn't respond and instead kisses you passionately, grabbing your face with his hands. His tongue is exploring your mouth in ways you'd never imagined could bring so much pleasure and you can't resist the urge to sit in his lap. Somehow, against all reason, he's hard again, as you grind against him. Fuck. He's so hot and sweet and amazing you just want to make him happy. How anyone could cheat on this fine man is beyond you.

“Um...not to assume or anything, but do you have a condom?” you ask sheepishly.

“I do, yes,” Seungcheol goes to his coat and brings a package.

“I mean, don't get me wrong, I love kids, but I think we should be responsible considering this is our first time together and you already have three of your own,” you're probably talking too much but oh well. Better safe than sorry.

“No, I understand. You're totally right.”

“Will you fuck me?” you inquire.

“Here? On the couch?” Seungcheol is in disbelief.

“Well...you were touching yourself here, but I guess it's whatever. Your home, after all.”

He chuckles, suddenly embarrassed again.

“Come on, let's go to my room.”

Seungcheol offers you his hand and you follow him upstairs excitedly. Is this really happening? Are you seriously going to do this with your boss?

He lifts your chin up because he notices you're not meeting his eyes out of nervousness.

“Look at me,” he commands you easily and you're on the verge of falling apart and he hasn't even undressed you yet. The power this man holds over you... “We don't have to do this if you're not ready.”

“It's not that. I do want this. It's just...I don't remember if I told you but I was also cheated on. A little before I came to work here. And like, I haven't been intimate for a while, so I'm nervous. What if I mess something up?”

“Okay, first of all, give me that asshole's address, I just wanna talk. And second of all...darling, I haven't been intimate since way before my divorce took place. Trust me, I'm a lot more nervous than you right now.”

You shake your head.

“Whatever you do, I'm sure I'll find it like super hot.”

Seungcheol laughs and tilts his head, kissing you again.

“You're so cute,” he whispers against your mouth. “I can't wait to ruin you.”

And just like that, it's as if a switch is flipped. He pushes you onto the bed and leans above you menacingly, a devilish smirk painting his pretty face. Seungcheol pushes your dress up hurriedly, touching you all over.

“You really thought you could get away with it, huh? Walking around my house in those dresses of yours looking so sexy? Tempting me?”

“N-no, s-sir,” you murmur, not knowing where the title is coming from.

“God, I'm such a cliché. An old man unable to resist the gorgeous young nanny...”

“You're not old, sir,” you try to reassure him. You're not sure if he's just engaging in dirty talk or is actually having some insecurities. He's still young in your eyes. Whatever the case, you're there for him.

“Don't lie to me, sweetheart. I'm too old for ya...I have three kids. What do you have, hm?” Seungcheol speaks while caressing your pussy through your panties.

“I have you, sir,” you smile and palm his dick teasingly.

He sighs wistfully and buries his head between your folds, licking and teasing until you're a soaking mess for him.

“S-sir, p-please...C-cheol, don't stop,” you cry out helplessly.

It feels so good, too good. He holds you down, hands gripping your thighs as you cum against his tongue. He barely gives you any time to recover as he rolls up a condom on his cock. You stare at him hungrily, impatient to have him inside of you.

Seungcheol is like the drug everyone warned you about. Once you have him, you won't be able to quit.

“Are you ready?” he asks softly in sharp contrast with his previous behaviour.

“Please take me, Cheol,” you would beg if you had to.

And take you he does, entering you deeply with his big cock.

“Fuck, you're so tight, barely fitting me in,” he speaks, stroking your clit in circular motions with his thumb, while he fucks you harshly.

“It's okay, I won't break, sir,” you try to convince him.

“What if I want you to break, little girl?” Seungcheol inquires, his voice half-joking, half-serious, as he.

“Then, I'd be happy to serve you, daddy,” the word slips from your lips before you could think twice about it.

“Daddy, huh? You need daddy to make you cum?” you are grateful he plays along instead of making fun of you in this very vulnerable moment.

“Yes, daddy, please, I'll do anything for you,” you promise in a daze.

“Cum for me, sweet girl, let daddy take care of you,” his deep voice is enough to bring you to the edge.

“Fuuuck, daddy...Cheol,” you mumble repeatedly, as white appears before your eyes.

You're shaking in his arms but it feels like flying.

“I've got you, angel, daddy's right here,” Seungcheol comforts you, as he rides out his own high, spilling inside the condom. Then, taking it off and throwing it in the garbage bin, he hurries back to you.

You make grabby hands at him and he envelops you in a hug.

“I'm here, sweetheart,” he kisses your forehead gently and you melt against his chest.

“Cheol...I think you just murdered me a little,” you laugh.

“Well, then, I better make sure I revive you, because I can't imagine my life without you.”

“Good. You ain't getting rid of me.”

“That sounds perfect because me and the kids would like you to stick around.”

“Oh God, the kids! What time are they coming back?”

“We've got time, don't worry, they should-”

“Daaaad, we're home!” you hear Dino's loud voice from downstairs.

“Fuck,” Cheol curses under his breath and the two of you hurry to make yourselves look somewhat presentable.

Once dressed and back in the living room, you can only hope that you're not too obvious about what went down. However, you can't stop yourself from glancing at Seungcheol and he's just as flustered as you.

“Oh, hi, Y/N,” Dino greets you as if it's completely normal for you to be there. As if you belong.

“How was your time with your grandparents?” you ask, trying to act casual.

“We had so much ice cream!” Elsie squeals excitedly.

“Grandma and Grandpa took us to the park,” Chaerry starts telling you about everything they did in great detail and you are glad that the shy girl you first met is becoming a confident young woman.

Elsie is asking for more ice cream but Seungcheol is explaining that it's lunch time. Dino is painting the table with mustard and honestly, that's so on brand for him...

It is funny where desperation brought you. You realize this is the happiest you've been in a while.

Later, when Seungcheol catches you alone after spending the afternoon with the kids, he asks:

“I know we kinda messed up the proper order of things, but...would you like to go on a date with me?”

“Oh! I'd love that, Cheol. Is it okay to still call you that?”

“Yeah, it's alright.”

“What about in front of the kids? I'm not sure to what point you'd like to mix professional with...personal life.”

“In front of the kids is okay, too,” he laughs, scratching the back of his head. “Actually, do you know what Elsie keeps asking me?”

“What?”

“When will you make Y/N my new mommy?”

“Yeah, that definitely sounds like something Elsie would say.”

“So, um, no pressure. But I think you're more than the nanny to me.”

“Well, I would certainly hope so. I didn't raise you, mister!”

Seungcheol can't miss the opportunity for a joke. He takes hold of your hand and places it on top of his...very hard dick.

“You raised him, though,” he whispers.

“Mr. Choi!” you hiss, scandalized. “I mean...Cheol.”

“Did you mean daddy?” Seungcheol teases you relentlessly.

“Stop it, you deviant!” you shake your head. “Fuck, you'll never let me live this down, will ya?”

“Do you kiss your boss with that mouth?” he smirks.

“Don't mind if I do,” you reply and bring your lips to his.

A year passes by quickly. You love every day of your life. Whether it'll be spending time with the kids, or going on fun dates with your boss turned boyfriend, or having mind-blowing sex with said specimen, you are truly happy with how things turned out for the best.

With one tiny thing missing.

“Cheol, can I ask you something?” you mumble one evening, as you are playing with his soft, fluffy hair.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Seungcheol turns towards you, giving you his fullest attention.

“Have you ever thought about having more kids?”

“Hmm, it hasn't crossed my mind. I already have three kids. But it depends. Is that something you're interested in?”

“Not till now. But if it's with you, I'd love to have a kid,” you confess shyly.

“Well, then, let's make you a mommy,” Seungcheol quickly makes it his mission and for the first time, doesn't use a condom.

“Yes, please, daddy, give me your cum,” you moan wantonly, as he fucks you deep.

“Take it like the good girl you are, I'll give you all I've got, fuck a baby in ya,” he grunts in your ear, sounding even more excited than you are.

“I love it, feel so full,” you whimper and can't stop kissing him. You can't believe this beautiful man is yours and wants to give you another present.

“That's right, sweetheart, I'll stuff you full of it,” he moans and releases himself inside you. Your walls clench around him, pulling him deeper, as you reach your high.

Seungcheol gently pushes the cum that's spilling out of your pussy back inside and lifts your legs up.

“Do you think it'll stick?” you ask doubtfully.

“Can't hurt to try again until it does,” he shrugs, determined to succeed.

Nine months later, as you welcome the twins into the family, you realize you've never expected to achieve so much happiness.

“You really had to outdo yourself and give me not one but two babies,” you playfully push Seungcheol's shoulder.

“Is it too late now to say sorry?” he grins nervously.

“Don't be. I'm more than satisfied. But you'll have to give me a raise!”

“I'll give you something better than that,” Seungcheol promises and pulls a diamond ring out of his pocket.

“Oh my God,” you are in shock.

“Y/N...you've given me more than I could ever hope to deserve. You started off as a nanny but you became my three kids' best friend and now, the mother of two more angels. You became my closest person, my source of joy, my sweetheart. Knowing that I can come home to you is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Will you do me the absolute honour of becoming my wife?”

“Yes, of course, yes!” you say through your tears and kiss him, as he slides the ring on your finger.

“Can I call you mommy now?” Elsie peeks her adorable head behind the door, followed by Dino and Chaerry, who are all excited by the good news.

“Congratulations, Y/N!” Chaerry greets you with a hug and whispers: “Thanks for taking one for the team and making our lonely old man. happy.”

“Hey, I heard that!” Seungcheol complains loudly.

Dino jumps on the back of his dad with a loud squeal.

“You better treat her right, Dad!” the boy warns. “Or I'll ketchup your room!”

“Why do I feel like I'm the one being welcomed into the family?” Seungcheol bemoans his fate but he's never smiled wider.

“You'll get used to it,” you joke. “Come on, guys, meet your new brother and sister.”

“Hii, babies!” Elsie and Dino jump excitedly around the twins.

“Oh, they're so cute! Aren't they so cute, Dad?” Chaerry coos at the babies.

“They are, but it's too early for you to think about how cute babies are. Look at me...I already have five. Isn't it tragic?” Seungcheol keeps messing around.

“It could have been twelve or something,” you play along.

“I can't imagine,” Seungcheol cries out indignantly. But deep down, maybe he can.

The End

[pseudophan]

nora can i just ask… WHAT was he thinking? how was that lie ever going to work when they were doing everything so publicly in 2009? sure you can delete stuff but he must have known it was still out there anyway right? isn’t it pointless to be like i didn’t watch his videos when he was commenting on the interactive adventures like his life depended on it ?? he was trying to convince people he just happened to be in manchester one day with a friend and he just saw phil ???? when we all saw you counting down the days to meeting each other online like WHAT

https://x.com/pinofdnp/status/1855973085771387187?s=46

tweet link (it's one of the infamous 'we met through a mutual friend' claims)

to be fair to them both, if the phandom wasn't as unhinged as it was (is) they could've gotten away with that lie. kind of. dan and phil are hardly pr experts but this isn't really too crazy a move, like yeah the people who know the truth will always know the truth but if you tell a lie enough times then in theory new fans, and people who just never looked into it, are gonna go with your version of events and not question it. the main issue for dan and phil specifically was that their fanbase was essentially built on and around speculation about their relationship and cataloguing any and all proof of it. new fans and casuals often believed the lie at first just because like, why wouldn't they, but the second they stepped foot into the phandom they obviously discovered the not-so-hidden truth, because you didn't have to be a shipper or be looking for Phan Proof in order to come across it, all you had to do is search dan and phil on literally any website with a prominent phannie presence

to their credit they seemed to realise it wasn't gonna work pretty quickly, they abandoned the 'mutual friend' story almost immediately it feels like. then they went with the 'yeah we met online but we met up to collaborate' angle but i kind of feel like they didn't go too hard on that one, probably because they had finally started to learn that Oh My God Say Less Please Say Less Always Say Less Stop Talking Jesus Christ. like by far the most damning part of the clip in the tweet is dan insisting on being like "a lot of people seem to think-" about the actual truth like girl why would you plant that idea in the heads of those who hadn't heard it before. just say you met through a mutual friend and move on like fbsdhjfbdjksf. also at that point they kinda didn't give a fuck anymore, by the time they gave that infamous editing tips interview in 2015 they had long since abandoned trying to convince anyone they didn't meet because dan was an amazingphil fan and desperately wanted to befriend him because of it. the only part they were trying to hide at that point i would say was the whole y'know, fucking and sucking of it all

this whole reply is way too rambly and idk if it makes sense but i guess my point is IF dan and phil had a more casual core viewerbase (and also didn't give up on the lie immediately. and dan was less blatantly defensive about it) they probably could have made it work in the long run, even with the amount of evidence against it. i would go as far as to say that if not every then at least nearly every single influencer/celebrity/public figure of any kind have readily available information about them out there that most people, even fans of theirs, don't know about literally just because they wouldn't think to search for it. like how often does a Major Scandal break about some celeb and some people in the comments are like yea this has been known since 2004 everyone just stopped talking about it, lmao. not that dnp being gay for each other is a scandal but you know what i mean

basically they started telling that lie just as their popularity skyrocketed and i guess the hope was that the massive influx of new people would allow them to rewrite history, but alas...

[dr-spectre]

Ranting about Salmon Run...

As someone who loves this mode and thinks it's the best multiplayer mode in Splatoon 3. The scale system in it is dogshit and needs to change in the next game. It's genuinely awful and terrible game design in my opinion.

In order to get scales you must encounter a King Salmonid, the amount of scales you get is determined by your current rank and if you win or lose. Now to even get to a King Salmonid, you must do several matches to increase the chance of encountering one. Guess how long each Salmon Run match is... 300 seconds/5 minutes. Actually it's a little bit longer than that because you have to take into account queuing times, the wait time at the start of the match and the 10 seconds you get to prepare in each round.

Let's say you need to do 5 matches to even encounter the King Salmonid, you have to go through a little over 25 to 30 MINUTES to get a CHANCE to fight the king. AND GUESS WHAT! EVEN IF THE ICON IS FULL! THERE'S STILL A CHANCE YOU WON'T EVEN GET TO FIGHT A KING!!! WHY!??!? WHY IS IT LIKE THAT!??! I WENT THROUGH 5 MATCHES WHEN THE BAR WAS FULL AND YET I DIDN'T ENCOUNTER A KING AT ALL!!!! IT WAS A GIANT WASTE OF TIME!!!!!! (aside from ability chunks i guess) I GOT OTHER GAMES TO PLAY!!!!!

This icon is a fucking lie, a god damn lie i tell you! Even if it's full, your other teammates have to have theirs full as well apparently. So.. YAY! AWESOME! ughhhh........

Now let's talk about when you actually get the scales, there's a very high chance you will get barely any scales because you lost and you're in a low rank, OR, you won't get a single gold scale for several Xtrawaves. Meaning you have to go through the process of building up the meter again and again AND AGAIN to get a chance to get a single fucking gold scale. Do you see the issue here? The insanely long grind? It's fucking horrible.

Oh yeah and by the way, the chance of you getting a gold scale gets higher when you're in a higher rank, however this becomes an issue when you realise that the higher ranks are REALLY REALLY hard and it's near impossible to make it to the Xtrawave unless you have an amazing team. So yeah, good luck trying to maintain a high rank and actually beat the King Salmonid to get a chance of getting a gold scale!!!!!!!

Man... This is giving me a god damn headache.

Now, let's talk about the rewards you get. I'm gonna come right out and say it, you are never EVER getting any of these rewards.

Unless you actually hack the game or you abandon every aspect of your life just to get a bunch of fucking pngs for your splashtag, you will never EVER EVER EVER GET THEM! They are flat out impossible and if you see someone have any of these, they are a hacker and need to get reported.

And the gear that people actually want, well... LOOK AT THIS!

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY 800 BRONZE SCALE ITEMS!??! WHY?!?!?! WHYYYY?!!?!? Sometimes in Xtrawaves you may not even get 10 OF THESE! SO WHY MAKE IT TO WHERE MOST OF THE GEAR PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT 800 GOD DAMN SCALES??!? If you got like 30 or 50 each time then maybe it would make sense, BUT NO! IT'S LIKE 5 TO 12!! WHYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been playing this game since launch and i only have the Octoleet Armor. THAT IS IT! There is a difference between rewarding the player and just doing monotonous grinding.

I am glad that Splatoon doesn't do what other games do nowadays and just has microtransactions to skip through grinding and pay an insane fee for currency. But like... Overwatch 2 is less grindy than this, you can comfortably get skins in that game for characters you like just by doing challenges and playing a bit of the game every day, and that game has SKINS THAT COST 58 BUCKS AUD!

That's all i wanted to say, I'm getting a headache just typing this because my god man, this is just awful game design and a poor way of rewarding the player and keeping retention time. Truly awful.

[peace-for-levi]

golden hour

{sometimes i get ideas for drabbles that aren't long enough to be chapters, or oneshots. this was going to be a side chapter/drabble of morgen, but i didn't like where it was headed so i rewrote it. pls accept my garbage, i wrote this in ~45 mins}

cw: i have projected!!!!!! my abandonment issues onto levi lmao. anxiety, trauma, very slight possessiveness (but not to the point it's unhealthy) references to smut from the night prior. so mdni! finale pt. 1/manga spoilers!!!

w/c: 1201

taglist: @levmada @poisonpeche @jayteacups @happybird16 @theferricfox @sckerman @whattheheckmidoriya @notgoodforlife @anlian-aishang @unadulteratedtreecrusade @nelapanela94 (i honestly forget who's in my taglist??)

Levi Ackerman doesn't know peace. He is a man most acquainted with strife and sacrifice.

The void left in his heart after the Rumbling is gaping and steep. It pulls him into the dark, with little hope of anything good ever happening. Maybe he doesn't deserve it; maybe he isn't meant to have nice things. That's what the cynical side of him says. But then again, cynicism was all he ever had. Negativity, doubt... As a soldier, he always had to err on the side of caution.

So the idea of you laying in his arms, flush to his bare chest, is something so foreign to him. Levi can hardly believe his eyes.

Sunlight filters through the windows, casting rays and lighting up the room. Shining on you, he finally takes you -- and all your wonder -- in and he breathes easy.

He pulls you closer. Where is the next threat? When, even?

This is too good to be true.

You stir in his embrace and he relaxes, allowing you to fidget and stretch as needed. Your dewy and damp hair from last night clings to your forehead. Dirt doesn't repulse him too much anymore, he thinks. Well, not if it's you. He flicks the stray hairs dangling in your eyes away, and blows the rest away gently. Now he sees you.

He gasps when you smile in your hazy state, snuggling closer.

"Mornin'," you sigh.

"Mm." He doesn't mean for it to come across as a grunt. "Good morning. Sleep well?"

The gravelly baritone of his morning voice sends shivers down your spine. "Ohhhhh yeah."

It would be hard not to sleep well after last night, but he will stay on alert. He had his night of fun. Now it's time to get back to business. But what business does he have left? The teashop? It's closed today. Maybe cleaning the kitchen. Oh wait, you did a spring clean of it last night.

He sighs, heavily. It's hard to go from always having a task to do, to nothing at all. He can't lose his edge, it's too soon. It's barely been a few years. If he loses his edge, what happens then? What if you slip through his fingers? What if you realize that your time could be spent elsewhere, fulfilling whatever dreams you may have?

Not that he'd stop you, it's just…

I just don't have anyone else, he thinks, selfishly.

He must stay alert and aware all the time. He gave into desire last night when he could have been doing something more productive. If you continued to see how good he was, you'd continue to need him, hopefully. He needed you to rely on him, to need him, so that way, you'd always come back to him and you'd be in his life.

"You're shaking."

He's snapped out of his toxic train of thoughts. "Hmm?"

"When you tense your muscles, though it's faint, you shake, and…" you lean in closer, ear to his chest, "well, I feel it a lot more since I'm right next to you."

He sweeps his hand to cradle your head, wanting to keep you there.

"Sorry, guess I'm just…"

You peek up at him. "Just what?"

"Tch… Just forget it."

You blink owlishly. Sheesh, you only wanted to open a line of communication with him. But even after all those years, even when (an unsteady) peace between Eldia and Marley was established, he keeps his walls up. He doesn't know that it's okay to start taking down those bricks, however slow or long it may take him to.

The birds are chirping a song outside, perched on the sill. You smile softly, listening. "Do you hear them?"

"Yeah."

You try to wiggle out of his arms. "Relax, and listen to them. They're trying to talk to us, maybe." You search for his eyes.

"Yeah, they say you need a shower."

Despite his joke, his pupils are trained on the door into the hall of your shared apartment. The poor man, is all you think; a tortured soul who's not used to reprieve and doesn't know how to accept the rest he deserves. Always on the lookout.

You shimmy out entirely of his grasp and sit up. Though faint, you don't miss the bit of resistance he put up. You purse your lips in thought. Coax him out of it. That's always been your go-to method of trying to get him to open up.

A small nudge in the right direction.

"Last night was fun."

He had started to hum with the birds up until then. He peers back and he turns fully to face you. "Good, I'm glad. I feel the same."

"So feel it," you insist. "I think you don't allow yourself to enjoy the nice things in life."

He scoffs, in denial. "I'd hardly consider this a pleasant "morning after" experience."

"Not when you keep yourself so guarded and cagey, no."

Whatever scoff or smirk he tried to force fell flat. He averts his gaze, sensing a lecture. But when you move to ruffle his slowly thinning hair, his milky and grey eyes find yours. You smile sadly at the grey hairs you spot.

"I'm fine, I'm okay, Levi. You don't need to worry about me, ever. So rest. It's just us, now."

He scoffs, again, and turns his back to you. You flop down and trace the pads of your fingers over his muscles. You trace every scar and blemish; every cut and piece of skin so torn, it can hardly repair itself back to "normal."

He's always been the most human of the lot, and the most scarred (in more ways than one.) He carries the scars with him. The anguished fallen, the courageous subordinates he never got to apologize to. He carries them with him. Like how he carries his former squad, Erwin and Hange.

"Put down your swords now, Levi, the war is over. Take off the armour, too, that shit gets heavy."

He swallows thickly. "What about you? What if you're ever in danger? With my body like this, I ca–"

"Leave the sword at your feet, then. Pick it up when you need to," you soothe. You lean down to kiss him. When his shoulders creak, you giggle. "See, you're getting old! We should resting now."

I just can't be alone. Not after everything that's happened, he thinks.

"'We'," he parrots. "What about when you get bored living with a cripple?"

What will I do when you leave me?

"Well, no one else can make Sunday morning pancakes like you!"

He smiles for the first time now, his lips curling with bliss. He has to internally fight the urge to tense. "Don't make it out that pancakes are an achievement… Then again, I have never seen someone so god-awful at flipping."

He rolls onto his back now. You lower a hand to his scarred, pallid cheek. You smooth a thumb under his milky eye. As gently as you can manage, you sink back into his arms.

"So as long as you'll have me, I won't be leaving any time soon."

You don't miss the thick swallow and the trembling lips.

"I'm staying right here, 'Vi."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ rbs and comments always appreciated!! ♡

[hylaversicolor]

the big eva and ocelot meta, or: how to use religious iconography and symbolism in a godforsaken, cunt serving, and incredibly transgender way

this meta started out as a way for me to learn more about ocelot by looking at eva. and then it turned into the opposite, i guess. because ocelot never, ever speaks directly about his motivation, except for one time at the beginning of mgs2 when he says he’s glad sergei noticed that he’s abandoned mother russia, and even then he hides through ambiguous wording and camera angles. (x) everything else we learn about ocelot is from other characters or is obfuscated by conflicting personas or both. we know why he does what he does (he was obsessed with big boss, eva says) yet he doesn’t state this in his own words. but you can use eva to analyze ocelot, and vice versa. during mgs3 they are both mysterious philosopher agents with ties to the book of genesis sent to help snake on his mission, often with nearly identical dialogue. (x, x) so in mgs3 when eva says “snake, huh. well, i’m eva… are you here to tempt me?” we can assume ocelot feels something similar. when eva says “don’t die on me” at rassvet, we’re meant to remember that moment when ocelot says the same thing to snake in the sewers, many scenes later. and when eva says “when i’m riding, the wind hits me so hard that it hurts. that pain keeps my mind off the pain of having to be someone else. it's not easy always fooling myself like this. it's only when i’m on the bike that i’m free to be the real me.” it’s in the back of our minds when ocelot also rides a bike later on. of course they are not exactly alike; the bike means something different to eva than it does to ocelot, and besides, ocelot is younger, less experienced, more hotheaded. eva, for all her cleavage, is reserved.

taking a detour for a moment to address the ocelot drag king thing that went around twitter recently. shinkawa and kojima noted that mgsv ocelot’s design was meant to inspire such questions from the player “like ‘is that a man or a woman, a woman dressing as a man’ kind of thing,” or “something like takarazuka” (x), japanese western-style theater “with all-female performers” (x). here’s a passage from jennifer robertson’s “the politics of androgyny in Japan: sexuality and subversion in the theater and beyond,” describing tarakazuka:

The femininity embodied and enacted by the musumeyaku serves as a foil for the masculinity of the otokoyaku. Much of the training of the Revue actors involves learning a vocabulary of gendered gestures, movements, intonations, speech patterns, and the like. An otokoyaku, for example, must stride forthrightly across the stage, her arms held stiffly away from her body, her fingers curled around her thumbs. In contrast, a musumeyaku pivots her forearms from the elbows, which are kept pinned against her side, constraining her freedom of movement and consequently making her appear more "feminine." In keeping with the patriarchal values informing the Takarazuka Revue, musumeyaku have represented the fictional Woman with little if any connection to the actual experiences of females. The otokoyaku, however, have been actively encouraged to study the behavior and actions of men offstage (as well as in films) in order to more effectively idealize men on stage, be they samurai or cowboys. Personal or contrary motivations and desires aside, both musumeyaku and otokoyaku are the products of a masculinist imagination in their official stage roles. (American Ethnologist, August 1992, vol. 19, issue 3, pg 423)

if, like all things with ocelot, we take this concept and run with it to eva, then ocelot is the takarazuka otokoyaku and eva is the musumeyaku. it’s all a performance. it’s all camp.

ocelot performs masculinity. he is (arguably) a gay character who lives and breathes his own interpretation, informed by the spaghetti westerns he watched and absorbed as a teenager, of the most idealized embodiment of western masculinity in existence: the american cowboy. his movements, his bravado, his persona are all exaggerated in mgs3. but his performance is also a mask behind which he hides his true self. ocelot physically conceals his whole body; his red gloves are his trademark. eva, by contrast, shows off her body. but while ocelot hides himself by hiding his skin, eva hides herself - crucially - by showing skin. and while ocelot's whole Cowboy Thing is him performing a fantasy version of masculinity, the opposite is true for eva. she is performing femininity just as much as ocelot is performing masculinity, only instead of playing a western cowboy dandy, she’s doing an over-exaggerated femme fatale. they are both acting. they are both camp. ocelot’s masculinity is rooted in westerns; eva’s femininity is, presumably, rooted in whatever charm school training the philosophers must have given her.

this juxtaposition informs the way their roles play out throughout the course of snake eater. ocelot can go off and do whatever; he has more freedom by taking on the persona of a man. eva is more limited in her performance, confined to a pseudo-caregiver role. she must support snake, care for him, give him food items. during the interrogation scene she is the one who is forced to step in and intervene, because out of all the players in the room, the personality she’s crafted for her role is most suited to sensitivity to snake’s torture. (x) she uses her vulnerability to exploit her enemies, turns people’s preconceived notions about her against them. ocelot and volgin both underestimate her; when she successfully evades volgin on the bike, and bests ocelot in hand to hand combat, these are not traditionally feminine activities, yet they are the things she truly excels at. also ocelot has had everything put together for him, even if he doesn’t see this. (x) he has been given incredible privilege at a terrible price. eva doesn’t even have that privilege. she is working to support snake completely on her own.

yet even though eva is unfailingly on snake’s side throughout the game, helping him, giving him items, often physically close to him, seducing him, etc., she betrays him in the end. ocelot is the opposite. he is farther away; he often watches rather than intervenes when snake is in trouble. it’s not obvious that he’s been on snake’s side the whole time. and yet by the end of the game, where eva (who had gotten the closest to him) betrays snake, ocelot (who had been farther away) does not. this speaks to mgs3’s theme of “there is no such thing as a timeless enemy” - also because after the events of the game, snake and eva (though parting ways as enemies) end up as allies again, and eva and ocelot, who had been enemies in the game, become allies as well, and remain allied for life.

ultimately, due to eva’s role being confined to a traditionally feminine one in mgs3, ocelot emerges as a more compelling character. behind that femme fatale persona, though, there is a lot going on. a lot of it, i think, relates to the way eva was raised as a charm agent. as a result of her philosopher training, she can only think of human relationships in absolutes. she equates sex and love in her mind and cannot conceptualize ambiguity:

eva: do you love her? snake: no, nothing like that. eva: do you hate her? snake: does it have to be one or the other - love or hate? eva: between a man and a woman? you bet. […] eva: you were interested in the boss. snake: she was different. eva: really? how do you feel about me? snake: i should be asking you the same question. eva: me? i can fall in love - if it's part of the mission. even with you.

this is meant to be a callback to mgs1, but it’s also eva in her element, in action, working. she unzips her top as she says these lines, revealing her breasts. there’s some meta commentary here about eva fooling or charming the player, using her own sexuality as a weapon, but still being objectified nonetheless because kojima wrote her to do this. in the context of the game, yes this is eva acting of her own accord, molding her appearance and mannerisms to appeal to her target, but she is doing so as a result of philosopher training. this isn’t eva’s true self, not really. the only place she feels free to be her true self is when she’s on her bike, with the wind hitting her so hard “that it hurts.” we see eva performing increasingly risky bike stunts as mgs3 goes on. i think the stress of playing her role only continue to increase as time went on throughout operation snake eater. but not because of being forced to fool john: i think she took some pleasure in that. rather:

eva: the boss was the only one i couldn't fool. she was the only one who knew i was a fake. she told me everything. why did she open her heart to me like that? at the time, i couldn't understand it. but now I think I do. snake, she wanted you to know the truth. she chose me to tell you. that's why she saved my life. i’ve lied to you so many times, but not this time. my orders from the government were to obtain the legacy and to eliminate everyone who knew the truth about what happened. in other words, I'm supposed to kill you. but i can't do it. not because we loved each other. and not because you saved my life. but because i made a promise to the boss… and i intend to keep it. i just wanted you to know. and… you have to live.

because the boss was the one person to understand her, to look at her and see that at her core, she, like ocelot, is the embodiment of a 404 error. but this lack of self, or lack of recognition of the self, ironically, is what makes her human. the boss looks at her and instantly sees that the only way she can feel anything at all is to ride her bike so hard that the wind hurts her. she sees the pain of having been transformed into a blank slate by the philosophers, ready and willing for anyone’s preconceived notions of femininity to be projected onto her, because the boss went through the same ordeal - but unlike eva, whose earliest memories are presumably of philosopher charm schools, the boss did not start as a blank slate. she had a life, a personality, a family first, and had all that taken away in order for higher powers to reduce her to something malleable and ready to be manipulated for the sake of nations and empires. the boss is eva’s connection, her lifeline from the sterile, casually cruel world inhabited by the children of the philosophers, to the emotions and the messiness and the nuance embodied by the rest of humanity. and this connection goes doubly deep because the boss probably encountered eva in one of the philosopher charm schools while searching for her own son, who she knew had to be at a philosopher facility too.

and by choosing eva as the one to pass on her message to snake, the boss gives eva’s life new meaning, a renewed sense of humanity. in eva’s mind now the boss and snake are connected. she is part of that love the boss had felt for snake, and she inherits it by proxy. i don’t think she loved john as a human being, at least not during mgs3. even after mgs3, i don’t think she comes to understand this connection that the boss and snake had, but she still clings to it. and i think that, just like ocelot who was far away and fixated on snake, once eva is the farthest away that she’s ever been from snake at the end of mgs3, now she becomes fixated on him too. just like ocelot, snake represents humanity to her. their connection is less about love and more about trying to make sense of her own emotions, her personhood. the boss endures and haunts eva into perpetuity because i think she is a reminder of what eva could have had.

big mama: your father never wanted you. i’m sorry. human life isn’t meant to be manipulated like that. i knew that. but—i wanted you.

eva allows her own pursuit of humanity to convince her to do inhumane acts. we know ocelot joined the patriots to stay close to john (the same reason he eventually joined foxhound). eva joined the patriots, i think, because staying close to john brought her closer to the boss. that, i believe, is the reason she wanted the kids so badly. eva in mgs4 is motivated by guilt. we can see that she takes in war orphans as the leader of the paradise lost army (ironically facilitating the creation of more child soldiers, and perpetuating the vision of the philosophers even as she’s trying to dismantle their legacy). in mgs3, eva and ocelot are a pair of young philosopher spies aiding naked snake. in mgs4, eva and ocelot are a pair of aging ex-patriot spies from another time forcibly dragging the past along with them into the present. they both mistake solid snake for naked snake in semi-lucid moments; they share similar last words; they both are ultimately killed by foxdie. they kill and steal and lie and torture and maim, but in their minds it’s all out of necessity. take this analysis of paradise lost by john leonard:

The hostility of Chaos raises troubling questions about God. If God is good, all-powerful, and the ultimate source of matter […] how can we account for the existence of an evil Chaos? An evil Chaos would suggest either that God is not good or that he is not all-powerful. Many critics try to get around this problem by arguing that Milton’s Chaos (despite appearances) is not evil but good. (Introduction, Paradise Lost, Penguin, 2003)

zero, by mgs4, is the alpha and the omega. he has surpassed the limitations of his moral body and become an all-seeing, all-knowing system of AIs: in the metaphor of adam, eve, and the snake, zero is god. we can see that eva feels somewhat complicit in this transformation: “zero created the patriots to manage and control the american state […] but i am partly to blame. i bear some of the guilt for creating the organization.” ocelot’s feelings are less apparent.

back to the beginning of this essay: ocelot only explains himself once throughout the entire game series, and while he does, the camera conceals his face. importantly, his red gloves are gone in mgs4. his black gloves show us that this isn’t ocelot anymore. but since his fingers are uncovered, we can infer that ocelot is in there somewhere and he is speaking his truth. so when liquid says “cigars… father's favorite.” that’s really ocelot (with the cigar blocking his face…there’s so much in that) saying “cigars…john’s favorite.” when liquid says, “snake, we were created by the patriots. we're not men: we're shadows in the shape of men. […] the patriots saw fit to create us, and in doing so became our only raison d'etre […] so long as we both live, the world will not know an age of light […] the only choice left to us is death." that is ocelot saying “when i saw what the patriots had done, my only reason to exist became to take them down.” when liquid screams “do you see this, zero?” that is 100% ocelot saying, “watch us, zero, we’re going to undo everything you did to john.” and when liquid gives this odd, regretful glance after the confrontation at the river, (x) i think that is ocelot reacting (albeit late) to eva saying, “adam…” a scene prior.

john: ocelot and eva wanted two things…to bring me back to life, and to end the patriots. […] for me, and for them […] nothing was more important.

in the words of steak bentley, mgs4 shouldn’t have been about big boss. (x) i agree. forcing everything to connect back to big boss and to zero shrinks the universe, imbues the story with this weird predestination, makes everybody’s contributions to the plot feel less significant, weakens both mgs4 and mgs3 in hindsight by showing the writers’ lack of faith in their new material.

but you can also look at it in a meta sense of ocelot and eva saying “this story’s not done yet, i’m still going to get revenge on big boss’s behalf. this is going to be about big boss whether you all like it or not.” metal gear solid 4 is really the story of two people who loved big boss so much and carried so much guilt over the part they played in zero’s betrayal that they created this entire overly convoluted plot to make john relevant again. the irony of it is that if they had just let him fade into obscurity (the first time, after snake eater) the LET project might not have even happened at all. by mgs4 i think they both recognized this. and yet they continued to drag it out - understanding, i think, on some level, that they were doing it all essentially for nothing. and through eva and ocelot’s actions, john ends up getting….not exactly a redemption, but at least closure. i don’t know if it’s warranted or even deserved, but he gets it nonetheless. and still eva and ocelot spend most of their time away from big boss and die without seeing him again. the thought that john would be able to survive, that he would endure and live and reconcile with solid, get one final moment of “i understand.” at the boss’s grave - this kept eva and ocelot going for decades.

by the start of mgs4, for eva and ocelot, everyone else is gone. john is out of their reach, the boss has been dead for fifty years, they killed the rest of the patriots themselves after zero betrayed john. the kids that eva had wanted, too, are no good, since liquid is already gone and solid needs to die in order to bring the cycle to a close. the only way they can access their own humanity (that ocelot had found in snake and eva had found in the boss) is through clinging to each other.

big mama: naturally, ocelot and i planned to free [john] from zero's prison. we enlisted naomi hunter, an authority in the field of nanomachine research, into our organization. and we used frank jaeger to kill dr. clark. ocelot tortured the DARPA chief, donald anderson - also known as sigint - to death…and made it look like an accident. […] with para-medic and sigint dead, zero was the only one left. but we, too, paid a price. i lost ocelot. ocelot wasn't fighting for the pentagon, or the russians. and certainly not for zero. he was fighting for big boss. he idolized him.

[pjo-obsessed-nerd]

OMG JULIAN RICHINGS IS EVERYWHERE I LOVE THIS MAN

He's so creep, but he's so good

HAH ANNABETH COMING IN CLUTCH

Percabeth power couple, yes pls

"It's either the realm of the dead, or someone left a carton of milk in there in to 1990's" nah, but that's the fastest way to make me gag about a smell I can't smell 🤣

THE RED RUBBER BALL

"No one comes baaaaaack" I love this man so much ❤

"I just think it's safer if I'm not the one holding them all." That's fair. ya know, as someone who drops her phone regularly, that's relatable.

Those pearls sound ✨ c r u n c h y ✨

IT'S THE SCENE - BABY PERCY 😭😭😭 aww my baby I just want to hug him. I can see it now, I'm gonna bawl like a baby in a few mins

"Not in Kansas...", "Hey, focus, we left Kansas four days ago." Reminder she hasn't seen a movie, points for continuity ❤

Grover squeezing that ball omg

Poor Grover, it's ok 😭

"Only suckers wait in line" 🤣🤣

"You're not dead.", "I mean, we're all dying... To some extent." He's a comedian 🤣

The silent whistle admittedly gave me chills; I can just see the horror on Annabeth's face. CERBIE!!!!

Run

CERBERUS LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL OMG HE'S EVEN MORE GORGEOUS THAN I IMAGINED AHHH

GROVER NO

i just screamed a little... Oh, my sister is gonna cry

aww, Cerbies TOO cute, the little whines omg I'm gonna DIE. Annabeth giving him scratchies aww even though she's terrified. Percy is impreased

I am a Rottweiler lover at heart, so I'm just obsessed with Cerberus I'm not sorry

OH GROVER EW; Thank god he's okay

Oh, ik how they get separated I bet 😭 JUMP SCARE OH

Aww Annabeth threw him the ball such a good puppy omg

Is. Is Cerberus wearing a leather jacket? Or is that leather armor? I can't tell 🤣

Annie lore drop 🥲 grovers so impressed tho

IT HAPPENED IT HAPPENED IT HAPPENED AHH

"I think it's... It's in the dog." His name is Cerbie. /jk

Percy, baby, what did you draw that upset someone so much? He's just a BABY. I WILL FIGHT THIS HEADMASTER TOOTH AND NAIL IT'S A PEGASUS SIR.

Grover, stop guilting yourself sir

OH jeez what tf.

Man I guessed Asphodel, and I was fucking right. My Mythology teacher would be so proud. This is such a haunting take on Asphodel omg. That's terrifying.

run

WHERE ANNABETH

NO SHE'S STUCK NO SWORD SWORD CUT IT CUT CUT CUT KNIVES PPL YOU HAVE KNIVES USE THE KNIVES

"I trust your dad." Athena ain't gonna be happy about this one, ladies and gents. 🤣🥲😭

Annie's gone, and i stg if we lose grover I'm done

GROVER

PERCY MOVE IT

Nah, Riptide looks sick tho. Pretty sure that's the first time we've seen it in good lighting

THE BOLT

so r we not gonna see Hades..?

"Is this?", " No.", "I, I mean it looks like-" "it, it absolutely is not.", "Okay. So... what is it then?", "Yeah, that's the master bolt!" This exchange was so funny 🤣

The pieces r fitting together... Hehe

"Zeus is just gonna have to wait." HELL YA, STICK IT TO HIM, GROVER, THAT'S MY BOY!!! Grover reminding Percy exactly why he chose Grover, his best friend, to come on this quest in the first place. ❤

Sad Baby!Percy 😭 that's a lotta ice cream for such a tiny boy

"Why are you trying so hard to get rid of me?" GOD MY ABANDONMENT ISSUES HAVE BEEN TRIGGERED, I NEED TO PROTECT THIS CHILD FROM THE WORLD NOO

"I would never do this to you." THE LINE DELIVERY, GET THIS BOY AN OSCAR... AND A FUCKING HUG

sally avoiding the topic and crying, I wanna hug her too. She's trying so hard.

Hades palace is gorgeous, damn.

Are we gonna get to see the Furies again???

Percy's hands must hurt from how hard and how constantly he clenches them fists damn.

Who tf-

HADES IS SO NOT WHAT I EXPECTED. I was expecting a rocker dude, but I love the "silk robe, manicured hair". Man's got class.

"I admire the cut of your jib." Ok maybe not what WAS that 🤣

He's way less scary than I expected, tbh.

Is he wearing heels? It sounds like he's walking in heels

SALLY'S A GOLD STATUE NOW??? Sally reaching out for him 😭 I'm done. I'm done.

"What did you do to her?" I can sense the rage coming

Percy 😭

babe, Hades was so confused. He just wants to be left alone, such a mood tho. Percy's so confused

PIECES. P I E C E S. IT'S A PUZZLE PPL

"But that voice, it definitely did not sound like you." That an insult or a compliment, I deadass can't tell 🤣

Ok... Hades is being very generous, but what's the catch here? This feels sus. Oh. There. Run. pearls. now.

"Hold fast, mom." HOLD FAST MOM YESSSSSS

Sad Sally 😭 What's happening rn

NO. NO. IS THAT

I'M GONNA SCREAM. WATER DADDY- sorry

"Tell me why", "you don't wanna hear why." Fair, fair 🤣

Nah, Poseidon's actor fits the bill so well in my mind. Like. Mm.

Poseidon rlly does care.

"His mother raised him well." Damn right!

OH THIS FIGHT FINNA BE SO GOOD

Hehehehehehehehehe

IT SO GOOD AHH I'M GONNA SCREAM NEXT EPISODE O. M. G.

[transmurderbug]

🍂Weekly Tag Wednesday! 🍂

I'm just in time again! Thank you for the tag Evie @energievie, Nosho @creepkinginc and Ajax @transmickey 💙 and @suchagallabitch for the questions!

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

1. if you could switch bodies with anybody for only one hour who would it be and what would you do? Hmm. Maybe one of my old athlete buddies (or my younger self) so I could run/sprint again. (Plus do a few exercises from some of my favorite disciplines)

2. what's your most trivial / dumbest hot take? The society in which we live in right now should be collapsed and rebuilt completely. The way humans are living today is not how it's supposed to be

3. if you had to teach a college course what would it be in? Photography or etymology

4. season 12 of shameless is suddenly happen and youve been put in charge! what plot point(s) are you gonna make happen? Fiona finally settles with someone and goes to therapy so she doesn't self-sabotage. Lip falls into a healthy routine with his little family and finds peace. Ian and Mickey get a cat. Debbie resolves her abandonment issues and settles with Franny (and possibly with a long term girlfriend). Carl gets the Alibi running as his own bar. Liam stays the same (but goes to therapy) and finds a hobby. Kev and V raise their daughters in peace and are undisturbed and happy. Not all rainbows and sunshine of course, this all would come with a lot of pain and drama. Just because. Oh, and everyone else goes to therapy as well. (But also I would scrape it all and leave everything as it is.)

5. who would be your godly parent? (can be any mythology.) Poseidon (I would also love to ask others what they think, I'd like to hear it)

6. what’s something you love about yourself? The fact that I raised myself to be as open and understanding as possible, when my environment was in a lot of ways the opposite of those

7. describe your day in 5 emojis: 🖥️😶😴📱🐾

8. what shameless character do you think you could beat in a fight? Tommy

9. tell us 2 truths and a lie, we’ll try to guess the lie! Ohm.

I did dressage competitively

I'm 170 cm tall

I went to school for photography and dog training

(I'm so bad at this, I'm sorry)

10. do you have a pet(s). if so how did they get their name? I have a dog named Muri (it means 'spree') and a cockatiel named Pogi

11. show us a meme (or picture) that captures your essence.

12. whats your typical coffee / tea / beverage order? Iced coffee, decaf (caffeine doesn't like me), with milk and sweetener. I also like mint tea, coke and beer

13. use a song to describe the last 5 years of your life?

Huh. I thought so hard about a few of these! 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Since - surprisingly - I'm not late with this one, I'm tagging some cool people. Play, if you want to, if not, here, have this frog 🐸 or this pebble 🪨! @stocious @dynamic-power @lupeloto @jrooc @heymrspatel @ian-galagher @deathclassic @bawlbrayker @juliakayyy @suzy-queued @crossmydna @francesrose3 @thisdivorce @look-i-love-u @deedala @depressedstressedlemonzest @metalheadmickey @gardenerian @spacerockwriting @scurvgirl @palepinkgoat and anyone who happens to see this!

[runawaysiren940]

Sometimes the things that TRAs say are so unbelievably incorrect that I don’t even have the energy to fight against it. I know it is wrong but sometimes I truly feel like it won’t change and that I should just give in before my friends cut me off for being “transphobic.” I don’t even wish any harm to trans identified people, I just need people to see and understand the holes in their logic. But every time I’ve tried to debate with one of them, all they do is twist my words so far from their original meaning that they are literally just making things up to be mad about and lumping me in with the conservatives. Why is it so hard to fight stupidity? God, it’s so tiring. I don’t know how you do it, Siren. You must be among the strongest of us all

I got lucky, I think, in that I've always had a small friend group, and one which I was close enough to that I was given the benefit of the doubt when I brought up these topics. That isn't to say I haven't lost friends over this.

One of the girls I was friends with in high school 'broke up' with me for pointing out the homophobia of straight people calling themselves gay because they identified as nonbinary. But in that instance, it was no great loss. Over the years, I've realized that even in supposedly safe 'gay friendly' places, most of the people there weren't gay. They weren't even allies. Not a single one ever dated a person of the same sex, and it all made sense, looking back, that I always felt so different and alone, even in spaces where I was supposed to be with like-minded people.

When I got to college, I finally had the freedom to date openly, and I essentially went out whenever someone asked. And from that experience, I only ever went out with one actual lesbian- and she later identified as trans and told me that feminism was transphobic. The others were a mix of women who liked the aesthetic of being WLW, but didn't actually want to touch another woman, women who were bisexual and wanted a side chick/throuple/non-monogamous situations, or men who lied and were able to portray themselves as women online.

In the end, I've found friends and a community where I can speak freely. I've met many people I've connected with through my channel or discord irl. I've formed genuine friendships, and even dated women I've met on this basis, and beyond that- one of my oldest friends remains my friend, and agrees with me on these issues, because he knows me, and would never assume the worst (that I was hateful for no reason, or wanted to be bigoted, etc) when I mention something that goes against popular opinion. It's easier to me, to not have to hide what I believe, or implicitly support misogynistic or homophobic ideas, just to maintain friendships, especially since I would expect any true friend to not abandon me for a difference of opinion (and one which is factually supported anyhow).

And I guess, beyond all of that, I've always been a vocal person. My dad is the trump supporting, misogynistic, racist stereotype many people think of in these issues, and I spent my whole childhood debating with him on similar topics. Not everyone is up to it, but it's what I know how to to, I guess.

[borathae]

DONE WITH ANOTHER EXAM u know what that means???

Chapter 34

fuck where is yoongi 😭😭😭kook come to ur senses please

OMG YOONGI wait did he just come because of kook, bruh we could have made out like a week ago 😔✊🏻

omg im so scared and nervous i wanna cry even tho its kook being scolded

NO DONT KILL HIM WTF YOONGI NO

“Thanks, but I can manage myself. I did so splendidly in the last two weeks” fr

He made you believe that he abandoned you. And now he is back. the entire para just summed up what we all felt Your anger feels so misplaced. Yoongi had a lot going on. After a millennia he felt again. He must have been so overwhelmed. Who knows what guilt and pain he went through those past two weeks. that is also true and idk what to feel aaaah feeling the pain of both people. DAMN U JUST PORTRAYED THAT SO WELL AND SUBTLE I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT

Where are those goddamn band aids FUCKING REAL U CAN NEVER FIND IT WHEN U NEED IT and u will find it in the same room, same drawer a week later 🥲

You made him turn his emotions on. It was your fault that he left in the first place. Be angry at yourself, that’s what you should do. its not exactly your fault, just a situation that had to happen

“Stupid bathroom!” you yell, throwing another cabinet closed. #justiceforcabinet2024

wow why is he so chill all of a sudden *trust issues be working on overtime

Is that what Jungkook could have too? 😭😭 yoongi pls dont leave again, i wanna be extra proud of kook

oh kook is sleeping for now (wtf i felt like a mama bird for a second there)

“Yes?” he exclaims, turning around almost excitedly. sir whats going on?? is it the emotions??? omg he is a pookie pls i love him bing bang boong forgiven already, who left for 2 weeks? nobody, idk such a thing

Now that he is so close again, you have forgotten everything you had wanted to tell him. oh it wasnt just me lol

“Doesn’t matter, I’m back now”, OK THATS IT FOLKS HE IS GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN 😭😭😭

oh a new plant 😭

Is he just staring? Oh dear. He is. PLEASE OUR SHY KITTY 😭😭

Oh how excited he sounds without even noticing that he does. 😭😭 do you want all of us to just cry every damn line? cuz u had done it

Yoongi is by your side, pretending to do the same while in reality he was looking at your face the whole time. HA SIMP ALERT (pls simp more we are simping for it)

“It’s not bad”, he agrees. You scoff, “such enthusiasm” Yoongi stumbles after you down the path, grumbling quietly. he is such a tsundere kitty i cant OFC HE LOVES HAND HOLDING NEVER LET GO

They are so bloody tiring” mood but numbness is too scary soo..

“They’re flowers, I don’t see any difference”, he grumbles, I LOVE HIM AND THE WAY YOU WRITE HIM I LOVE THEIR BICKER OVER SORRY HIS GRANDPA RUN AAAAH *watches a compilation

YOONGI BOONGI YAY HE ACCEPTED IT HAHA CUTIE PIE

“Forget it. I didn’t want to do it anyway”, i was cackling until i remembered this is how i act with mom, oh mom im sorry

YAY THEY ARE GOING GROCERY SHOPPING ALL DOMESTIC shit taehyung my baby 😭😭 THE JACKET RAAAAH

damn 1963, my mom wasnt born yet

no yoongi we dont growl here pls *blinks 😃😄😃 🫠 “he’s having a phase, please ignore him.” A PHASE STOP 😭

he is trying his hardest to stifle a laugh. THE JOKE PLS I LOVE HER HAHA guess he is going to have a hard time doing that

WE KISSED IN THE SNOW YIPEE YIPPEEE YIPPEEE YEEHAW HEE HOOO ✨🧚🏻🎆🎇💖😍🤩😻

ACCEPT THE COMPLIMENT YOONGLES YOURE A PRETTY MF GOT IT???

HOLY SHIT IT WAS A SPY DAMN WE JUST SAW A MURDER i literally just shivered

oh this time he answers her questions properly thats a difference hm

WTF OOF DAMN I - (did ever tell u that i love your writing and this bombastic story?)

It is not every day that you watch someone get beheaded or find out that someone wanted to fuck your dead body fr im still shivering and goosebumps are still there.

i love when they do vampire zoom haha

I’ve just lived long enough to have learned the skill.” Tae: 😃 ALSO IM SORRY YOONGI I LOVE THAT YOU CAME BACK but when is tae getting out?? 👉🏻👈🏻 great TAE MY BABY IM SORRY 😭😭 I CANT DO ANYTHING

“Are you manipulating me? she may or may not do that, but can she actually do that to you? yeah she cant so stop saying this

GREAT HE LEFT AGAIN WHERE ARE U NOW

i love when they talk, like everything just gets deeper, both her and him, the plot

OMG YOONGI wait did he just come because of kook, bruh we could have made out like a week ago 😔✊🏻

fjasdjf no he was genuinely in the midst of coming back when he suddenly heard the noises and then just came running 😭

He made you believe that he abandoned you. And now he is back. the entire para just summed up what we all felt Your anger feels so misplaced. Yoongi had a lot going on. After a millennia he felt again. He must have been so overwhelmed. Who knows what guilt and pain he went through those past two weeks. that is also true and idk what to feel aaaah feeling the pain of both people. DAMN U JUST PORTRAYED THAT SO WELL AND SUBTLE I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT

NO BUT I AM SO :( FOR BOTH OF THEM :((

You made him turn his emotions on. It was your fault that he left in the first place. Be angry at yourself, that’s what you should do. its not exactly your fault, just a situation that had to happen

the way you can see the learned guilt in her and in everything she does :(

wow why is he so chill all of a sudden *trust issues be working on overtime

I feel like he is just really nervous and trying not to scare her away with too much movement :(((

“Yes?” he exclaims, turning around almost excitedly. sir whats going on?? is it the emotions??? omg he is a pookie pls i love him bing bang boong forgiven already, who left for 2 weeks? nobody, idk such a thing

of course it's the emotions heheh <3 he is in loveeee <3

oh a new plant 😭

HE IS IN LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Is he just staring? Oh dear. He is. PLEASE OUR SHY KITTY 😭😭

I LOVE HIGMMGMGM

Oh how excited he sounds without even noticing that he does. 😭😭 do you want all of us to just cry every damn line? cuz u had done it

jfasdjf me fr fjadsjfa

Yoongi is by your side, pretending to do the same while in reality he was looking at your face the whole time. HA SIMP ALERT (pls simp more we are simping for it)

HE IS SO SWEET AND CUTE AND IN LOVEEEEEE

“It’s not bad”, he agrees. You scoff, “such enthusiasm” Yoongi stumbles after you down the path, grumbling quietly. he is such a tsundere kitty i cant OFC HE LOVES HAND HOLDING NEVER LET GO

no but I love him so much!!!!!!

They are so bloody tiring” mood but numbness is too scary soo..

100% :( gosh my boongie :(

“They’re flowers, I don’t see any difference”, he grumbles, I LOVE HIM AND THE WAY YOU WRITE HIM I LOVE THEIR BICKER OVER SORRY HIS GRANDPA RUN AAAAH *watches a compilation

same same same !!! I love him so much !!!!

damn 1963, my mom wasnt born yet

lmaoa mine was like 2 and my dad 3 kfadkf

no yoongi we dont growl here pls *blinks 😃😄😃 🫠 “he’s having a phase, please ignore him.” A PHASE STOP 😭

THIS IS SO FUNNY TO ME BAHAHHAHAH

he is trying his hardest to stifle a laugh. THE JOKE PLS I LOVE HER HAHA guess he is going to have a hard time doing that

I LOVE HIM HE IS SO IN LOVEE

WE KISSED IN THE SNOW YIPEE YIPPEEE YIPPEEE YEEHAW HEE HOOO ✨🧚🏻🎆🎇💖😍🤩😻

I genuinely love this chapter so much 😭😭

HOLY SHIT IT WAS A SPY DAMN WE JUST SAW A MURDER i literally just shivered

HE IS SO COOL FOR MURDER THOUGH :)

i love when they do vampire zoom haha

lmaooa me

“Are you manipulating me? she may or may not do that, but can she actually do that to you? yeah she cant so stop saying this

I feel like she can JFAJDFJ he is way too smitten for her JFJADSFJ

i love when they talk, like everything just gets deeper, both her and him, the plot

SAME SAME SAME !!!! I LOVE THEMEEEEEE !!

[ghostcrows]

That being said I do wanna talk about something here because I feel like people here might get it more than other places

I'm really sort of grappling with I guess actually accepting that I heavily exhibit BPD symptoms and have for years, like to the point that regardless of my feelings toward that diagnosis and who gives it out and their reasons for it - and despite my reservations toward any type of official diagnosis -AND despite feeling like I prematurely diagnosed myself as a teen and then avoiding the label altogether - I just want to treat the symptoms so that things can get better.

It's very isolating. I feel things incredibly intensely. It doesn't just go away it rattles my whole body physically for days or weeks. When I get attached to people it becomes unbearable for me and eventually, almost inevitably, for that person too

I struggle with what I think must be splitting, where...I think it's not quite as black and white as splitting is presented as where I absolutely hate someone or I absolutely love someone, but it's very close. Usually it's this conflicting mess of both at the same time, this very ugly place where resentment (founded or unfounded) meets complete idolization. It's not a position anybody deserves to be put in and I try to keep it to myself but, it's hard to hide intense feelings. People can usually tell when you're acting moody and weird even if you think you've got a good handle on it. And its incredibly overwhelming

And of course I've got abandonment issues lol...kind of the root of the whole thing right...and of course it becomes self fulfilling prophecy you know how that is...very annoying. Very unfair

And...I can be meaner than I like to think I'm capable of...it's usually a subtle thing but that's probably honestly worse. It's the kind of mean where I can even convince myself I'm not really being mean..but I am. Like. I'm certainly not being nice...and it comes from honestly usually just not knowing how to communicate that I'm in some weird fucking mood. When you tell people you're in a mood a lot of the time they're like oh whats up what's wrong and sometimes yeah you can talk about it to feel better but sometimes there's just nothing. You're just in some damn ass mood. It has not much to do with anything. And when you're in those moods it's hard to be around people and not be irritable and nasty. But it's also hard to be alone with it. And if you isolate you start to feel like a monster who needs to be locked up so that you don't hurt anybody. It's difficult to constantly be in some weird headspace that alienates you from other people.

And im impulsive in like...not quite as extreme ways as severe BPD but I have been there before where I was doing some of those things. It's more things like sending people 20000 texts a second or just like Reacting without stepping away and then having things immediately escalate. Getting to where I'm angry enough that I break things and i hurt myself. Not being able to sit with an unpleasant feeling. Not being able to handle criticism or rejection well

All of that to say... that it is a struggle and it's something I'm looking for good resources on. I'm trying out some self help DBT workbooks to see if that does anything for me. I don't know if I want to try CBT again I don't know how much it helped before but I know most therapists do CBT now ... I keep hearing about EMDR as some magical fuckin miracle treatment but I still barely know what it is. I'm not currently interested in being on medications but I'm not 100 percent against it either. Im at a crossroads with the very idea of therapy where I do think I need it but I also don't know how much it can realistically do for me or if I can find somethijg or someone that works for me. And also I can't afford it rn lol.

So um, if you struggle with this sort of stuff too just like feel free to DM me because I'd really like to talk about it with people who get it. And if you have anything that has helped you with these types of symptoms please feel free to share it. I will look into it

[ficfanatictrf]

Weird/Stressful Dreams + Weird Mental Issues

I have talked to my mom about this and am going to be talking to the right people about this (like my physiatrist, my therapist, and so on)

TRIGGER WARNING for the dreams section (shooting)

Lately as in the past maybe 3-4 days, I have been having a really hard time focusing.

After my ADHD meds starts to wear off for the day (I take dextroamp-amphetamin). I take my dose at around 8am since I have classes at 9 and then because I have sleeping issues I can't take it after 12pm because I then can't sleep.

So that means around 6-7pm, when it starts to wear off, it feels like my ability to focus has all but disintegrated. I suddenly find that I am getting lost at every step of what I am doing. I was watching a 15 minute video the other day and within 2 minutes I was confused on what I was watching and WHY I was watching it - like I didn't know how I had gotten to that particle tab or what the previous 2 minutes had been about.

Then onto dreams, I am normally I person that dreams sometimes. It is not all that often and typically as I wake up I remember it, but as the day progresses that information kinda floats away.

Not with these three recent dreams (I must preface this that I work as a mortuary transporters...so going to house calls for me is pretty normal and I will try to fill in the information on why certain things are 'odd')

I went on a house call alone (that is NOT normal, policy is house calls must be with a partner for safety reasons). When I got there, it was family of 3 (mother and two adult kids) with the husband having died. They were clearly trying as hard as they could to not cry and break down in front of me, forcibly trying to joke around and smile with me, but it was clear they were close to snapping at any moment. These are the calls that ruin me. It reminds me so much of my family, how a lot of us try our best to hold it in so that we don't bring down the people around us

Another house call (again alone?!?!?), but this time I was there to help a daughter literally move her parents into HER vehicle so that SHE could transfer (THAT IS NOT NORMAL!!). And she was constantly crying and falling apart the whole time, with me doing my best to try and help her. The dream ended with me watching her drive down the road and hoping she would be okay

(Trigger warning!!! This is the darkest and the one that has stuck with me for days) I want to preface this that I have been in the military, guns are not something that bother me. Not have I ever really been bothered by shootings (I mean, I am bothered that they are bad...but me and my mom have always kinda been 'passively suicidal' like if there is nothing I can do? I guess it's my time) I was in like a grocery store or larger gas station when gun shots were heard. I was with a group of people and all of us instantly went into hiding mode. I could have easily gotten out of there (there is a thing to know about me which might be rather weird. When I made the oath of enlistment at 17...I meant it. I will never /not/ feel like I can abandon the people around me. I am the oldest child and air force vet - even if I sometimes hate it...I constantly feel like I have to be the one that helps the people around me.) I was near the back of the store, I could have gotten out. However, rushing through the store, I was trying to get as many people out the back as I could. Staying low, quickly grabbing people from where they were hiding to get them out the back before going and finding more. Honestly, I don't even know how it happened - dream logic is great. But as I was helping this probably 10-15 year old boy, I heard a shot and felt a sharp and then liquid hot pain in the back of my neck. I've been shot before, I know how it feels to feel warm blood just pouring across your skin. Luckily, the kid got out, but the dream ended with me laying on the ground, choaking on blood, with the shooter standing over me.

I want to say that none of these dreams felt like 'nightmares' they just have stuck with me oddly. Like I said, I don't tend to remember my dreams for long.

Would love to talk about this with anyone that understand dream meanings more or has been on ADHD meds longer than I have that understands these things.

These are the things I think might be messing with everything

Stress (finals coming)

While sick about 2 weeks ago I stopped/forgot taking my anxiety meds for about 5 days and I've issues getting back into the habit of taking them everyday again

Anger (My extremely loud upstairs neighbor that sends me quickly into a rage with their banging)

Uncertainty (depending on my grades this semester, a LOT of this next semester like change....like if I am even in school next semester)

My meds constantly make me forget to eat...(working on that)

Not really looking forward to heading back to work (I work summer and winter breaks....my first day back is 12/12, I have to work because I need the money and honestly I do love the job/I love the people I work with. I just really want a break...I haven't really taken a break in over 3 years)

[casspurrjoybell-24]

The Alpha's Beta - Chapter 13 - Part 2

BOOK ONE: The Alpha's Trilogy

*Warning Adult Content*

Valium - Part 2

Alpha Silas Claymore

After that Simon and I part ways, him going to finish his jog and me to go home and relax before I went to the office and inedibility talked to Darren about why he is such a hard ass.

Jeremy had given me some insight yesterday when I had saw him in my office.

He told me about their talk, how Darren didn't have an easy time growing up.

Though both of us don't know why.

It would make sense if Darren had abandonment issues.

I mean I would to if everyone I loved left me.

My mother and father, then shipped to aging grandparent's and being in fear of them dying and as far as I know Darren's Grandmother suffered from spirts of dementia, so that must be scary as well.

I just had to show him I wasn't going to leave him.

That mates were life long, even if both our mothers died early.

I would show him that I'm not that easy to get rid of.   

I walked into the house and almost jumped out of my skin when arms wrapped around me from behind.

If it wasn't for Lucca's scent I probably would have attacked him.

"Of all things to do to a man after he's been attacked and drugged, you sneak up on my from behind?"

I chuckle as I turn around, trying to shake him off.  

Lucca gave me an innocent smile before he dropped his arms and held onto one of my hands.

"I can do a lot more to a man who's been attacked but none of them are scary I can assure you that," he replied, before moving in and kissing my neck.

I sighed and lightly pushed him off before I took his hand and relocated him to the living room.

I didn't want to do this.

I know it wouldn't be easy but I just had to rip the Band-Aid off and break it to him.   

"Listen Lucca. I need to talk to you."

He nodded and sat in the rocking chair, making himself comfortable.

"I don't know how to tell you this. So I'm just going to come right out and tell you... I've found my mate."

I took a deep breath when his face dropped.

I honestly didn't want to find my mate first.

I wanted him to be happy and forget about me before I forgot about him.

I could handle him leaving me but after what he asked me a few weeks back, I know it wouldn't be easy for him.   

He didn't say anything, he got up and started to walk the door but I grabbed his hand before he would leave.

"What Silas?" he seethed.

"Would you like to rub it in a bit more?"

I shook my head.

"You know I wouldn't do that but we have more to talk about."   

"Like what? Honestly I can't be here right now. Unless you plan to give me a goodbye fuck, I'm going."

I could see his chocolate eyes glossing over and at that moment I decided it was probably best to let him be and have him lick his wounds before anything else.

"You know I can't do that. He'd feel it."   

"Its not like it would be the first time." he mumbled.

I was momentarily stunned before I tighten my grip on his wrist.  

"Excuse me?"

"Its nothing. Let go of me Silas you're hurting me."  

"You know who he is don't you."

I stood up and looked down at him.

He looked around the room before his eyes landed on me.   

"No. I don't but I have a guess and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I'm right. Just let me go Silas. I'll see you later," with that he ripped his wrist from my grasp before heading for the door.

I let him go, knowing I would see him later.

I fought everything in me not to go after him and question him.

I even texted Ellis and made sure to tell him to keep an eye on Lucca.

I had a gut feeling that I had to make sure that Lucca didn't leave the pack lands.

[musicreveiwsbyezti]

Yo yo yo! It's June topster day!

This month I listened to a lot of "must listens" also Steve Albini finally died so I could check out Big Black's albums.

Unsure: Gorguts-Obscura (Avant-Guard/Death Metal): What the actual fuck is this album? The entirety of this feels like every member of the band is playing different songs. There are few songs that "I get" but I think this definitely needs some more time for me. Though I still recommend it as it is an interesting experience.

14th: Blasphemy-Fallen Angel of Doom (War Metal): No. I consider myself someone who enjoys quite a lot of black metal, but this shit is genuinely goofy.

13th: Dropdead-Selftitle 1993 (Powerviolence): It's alright, doesn't really stick out as much as other pv records I listened through.

12th: Napalm Death-Scum (Grindcore): The father of grindcore sure feels like as the father of grindcore. I didn't really think that grind evolved a lot, but after listening to this I realised that the genre itself got a little more... focused or something? Half of the songs here feel like they're made to make non punks be pissed about "Hurr durr how can people listen to 4 seconds of noise and call it music?". I'm sure it will grow on me but I feel like this record haven't aged the best.

11th: Motörhead-Ace of Spades (Hard Rock/Speed Metal): The title track is so good that they recorded it 11 more times. I probably have a bitter taste in my mouth cuz every good damned place circlejerks over this album with shit like "ooooh this is the only band that both punks and metalhead and rockers alike enjoy" and then it's just the most basic ass hard rock album on the planet. Also I know that jailbait is supposed to be a satire/parody of the pedo musicians of that era, but Lemmy was such a genius that he forgot to make it sound like a satire/parody. Just listen to the title track and maybe listen to the We Are The Road Crew and you can skip the rest.

10th: Nails-Abandon All Life (Grindcore/Powerviolence): Short and sweet like all pv records should be. Some people consider this to be Nails' best but I can't see that.

9th: Big Black-Songs About Fucking (Noise Rock): The hardest album name ever. Alone it's a great album, but knowing that it's the follow up to Atomizer makes it a bit less impressive. The first half (Happy Otter) is the part which got a proper studio recording session, it is more polished and "thought over". Arguably every song in this part fucks hard. The second half (Sad Otter) was just put together at home and feels like a rough demo. It has good songs, but they could have been way better. I highly recommend this album, but only after listening to Atomizer.

8th: Nails-You Will Never Be One Of Us (Grindcore): Oh my fucking God this album fucks so hard. The intro song with the other punk metal crossover vocalist dropping the album name goes so hard it makes me hate the police even more. I'd argue that this is Nails' best...right after Unsilent Death... but still their best.

7th: Neurosis-Souls at Zero (Atmospheric Sludge Metal): This is their 3rd highest rated album and their 1st and 2nd are unavailable in my country due to bs copyright issues. Still it's pretty good. I've only dabbled into the whole atmosludge genre, but I have to be honest I see why people rate this over regular sludge.

6th: Kate Bush-Hounds of Love (Art/Prog Pop): Even though I more of a Björk, Billie Eilish and Sade kinda guy... this is so good. Hounds of Love literally redefined for me what pop music means for me, and I wasn't even a (major) elitist to begin with! The second half with the more artsy stuff is in short beautiful. I have no words to describe how this album makes me feel.

5th: Megadeth-Rust in Peace (Thrash Metal): Dave Mustain sucks as a vocalist... but he can sure solo! Hangar 18 feels like the dude on the cover is personally guiding the listener through the cover showing off all the weird stuff, which makes the rest of the album oddly atmospheric in a conceptual way? I guess. All in all, all that matters that this album is filled to the brim with insane guitar work. This one is especially good for newer guitarists who are interested in metal.

4th: Big Black-Atomizer (Noise Rock): 10/10, I give no more words, this is a must experience to everyone who loves noisy shit.

3rd: Carcass-Hearthwork (Melodic Death Metal): I don't know how Carcass went from inventing goregrind to making this. I can barely comprehend all the massive guitar work put into this. This is probably one of the safest places to start listening to death metal (in a good way).

2nd: Bolt Thrower-...For Victory (Death Metal): Bolt Thrower can't miss. That's just a fact at this point. They stuffed so much groove into this album filled with "war sucks" energy that it can't be put into words by my illiterate ass. Just binge BT's discography already.

1st: Throbbing Gristle-20 Jazz Funk Greats (Industrial): This is the most overlooked album on every music site.

[kdipshit]

Co-dependancy ;

April 4

I have the faith that what’s best for me will ultimately manifest. I can be honest and say I’m codependent in relationships, I usually focus so much on the person I’m with and the life we have together rather than myself and my own life with ME lol. I feel bad and uncomfortable and almost like I cheat on myself when I drink, which is driving me to stay sober. I received ‘The big book’ in the mail today free, provided by a lovely AA Group over in the state I attended via zoom, so I’ve been extremely grateful in my moments of reading. My relationship with sobriety is at peaceful and positive as I can possibly make it, sometimes I’m worried if I’m hiding everything with a positive attitude or if I’m truely positive about my experience, I really don’t know what I’m saying or how anything is coming out because I feel so…. Idk, like I’m facing the wrong way. I kept super busy today, because I feel guilt. I did my morning routine with guilt in the back on my head, I’m writing this now with guilt plastered all over it. Am I an enabler? Because I enabled myself to get drunk… how long do I feel guilt for. Guilt stems for the abandoned emotion on the emotion wheel I’m looking at, and if this is a sign to get into my abandonment issues well I guess its time to roll up the sleeves, I feel sad and a little defeated. Must I acknowledge in order to go forward? What needs to be done here?

My fear of abandonment seems to take over my body and pierce into my soul, over the years it has stopped me from getting close to someone all together, and distance myself from those inevitably close to me. I feel ashamed when I over share, in fear of someone I love leaving, I hold and hide things in, because thats what seems to push people away the most. I’m like a child hiding things away from their parent. Idk why that analogy came but fuck it, when my parents would drink, they would get into some nasty fights, and when I was a child I remember my mum kicking my dad out on multiple occasions and me and my brother crying, holding and begging for him to stay. He stayed most times, other times he wasn’t far, and would always come back. My dad never truely left, but he wasn’t always there. When I felt the shift of my parents with me, when I was 13-14, I felt abandoned, and angry. I felt like no one knew me because they didn’t want to, I felt like there was something wrong with me, I felt extremely alone… in a house full of family. I wondered what was wrong with me for so many years, because I couldn’t understand or comprehend it, there was nothing wrong with me. Maybe there was lol, I don’t know, I know that I felt normal until my parents stopped talking to me.

I don’t feel good or confident in my writings right now, but ill keep writing. My parents are judges, like not real ones, like the kind of people who judge others a lot, ridicule them for their mistakes. I was judged so hard I let them win and started judging myself the way they did me… my dad decided to throw in a little ‘the gym is not a fashion show just so you know’ after I expressed wanting to go to the gym with him, and the rest of my family lol. I said ‘I don’t go to the gym like it’s a fashion show why would you say that’ and then he said ‘I just know what girls are like’ ????? I said well don’t you know me? And he told me to shut up and he walked away, lol. My parents always shut down the conversation by telling us to either shut up, for fuck off. I’ve always wanted the conversation, the hard ones, the meaningful ones, the ones where we learn and where we dig, something not so surface lev. Is it just me? Who needs to know wtf is going on in order to understand it? I haven’t had a fucking conversation in decades

If my issue with substance abuse is that once I have 1 taste I need to have another, what I’m saying is I take it too far, every time with every substance, I just gotta get high. I have to feel the feeling, and once I feel It, I just wanna feel it more, thats my issue. And I forgot what I was gonna say about that because I was interrupted while writing lol. I would never ever want my parents to see the potentially mean light I see them under, but its the truth, but I would never want to hurt their feelings, yet they hurt mine so many times. I was a good kid, I was happy I was joyful I was playful I was loud I was TALKATIVE I as a good well mannered fkn kid. And then I was abandoned. I’m a different kinda fucked up mannnnn, I was LEFT, while under the same roof, I was done to them. Because they didn’t couldn’t let down what ever bullshit wall they had up, I was determined to know my parents, but they weren’t all that keen on me. I guess thats how I feel in every relationship I’m in, scared they’re gonna drop me, ill have no one, but ill be forced to be respectful when I was continuously disrespected, negated and left behind. And yanno, I wasn’t exactly friends with my siblings because I never came out of my room…. It was an unsafe place for me to be, outside my room. I was friends with my brother outside of my room bc we used to go to school together, we always went late coz mum & dad were already at work, I used to write our late notes, anyways idk, its just all making me now realise how grateful and happy I am with life at the moment, Im really starting to see a future for myself, which is crazy, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I’m such a positive attitude bitch!!!!!! Honestly I can turn any thought into a positive one, and I unconsciously prove this to myself everyday, all my thoughts are positive, lol. Thoughts are just thoughts, but when they become overwhelming, at least make expositive, you have the power, its just forgetfulness that betrays us.

Im a cuddly and super a friendly person I like to give and show love when I love someone, it can be a bit intense sometimes lol, I don’t show this kind of love often, only to a very special few. I have a maternal kind of love, I just want to take care of you. Blah blah blah, I don’t think I can feel that kind of love again, I don’t know why, well, idk why I say shit like that because maybe I do know and maybe saying idk is a response you give when you don’t want to dig deeper, its like your personal ‘shut up’ you hear from your parents in your ear hahahahahaha. Idk Mann, I’m pretty blazed, so I feel good, its hot though, its also 8pm so my meds have kicked in and I’m teeeee ruuuurrddd.. BOUND2

I am the space between everything i can see. I am space. I could never really figure out what was wrong with me but I remember everyone being so pissed at me for doing some of my own business type shit, like I was extremely hyper active Sexually I was drunk like every day lol, so was everyone else in my house tho???? So what the fuck is wrong with ME. I’m doing the same shit y’all fkn do y’all mad. Okay that sounded a lot like old K, and I’m trying to be better.

[l0ganberry]

The movie was actually really good!

(Spoilers since this is heavy HEAVY rambling)

I loved it since Garfield was part of my overall childhood. There were a lot of great references I saw from the classical era. Like a first release date of the first ever comic on the garbage can near where Garfield was as a kitten, Nermal appearance at the end, the veterinarian Liz, and binky the clown. There might of been more references but those ones sticked to me too much.

The story was actually pretty enjoyable and this is coming from someone that hates fast paced. (Cough cough illumination cough cough) It was a bit fast but pretty overall easy to follow and understand to not get confused at all. I didn't like the cut backs to Jon but I understand it was for some comedy moments. Like with the call and overly exaggerating holds all for help on finding his lost cat and dog.

Speaking of Jon, I hope he does get help. He clearly needs desperate help and a love life. Even if he has Garfield and Odie, it's still sad for how he can be without them. I was even confused on what he does for work because it's been a while but I guess he's a cartoonist? it may be a cartoon but HOW THE HELL DOES HE HAVE A LOT OF MONEY??? I've just been thinking about the bills and payments since this looks like this is during the present. Which means the inflation issue that Americans are suffering with. Maybe that's why Jon must be depressed on his own time. It may be a cartoon but still!! I can't WAIT for there being animated parodies of this movie.

(I just realized I talked a bit too much about Jon and real life struggles but I don't care!)

I can't believe I'm doing this when I'm struggling on finding the right words to say that makes sense but here I am.

Rambling about the Garfield movie.

Anyways,

Hearing Chris Pratt as Garfield threw me off since he was already in so many movies. It's similar to the Kevin Hart treatment to me since any animated movie a few years back had him. They're not bad actors, no, but it can get a bit annoying. But Pratt really didn't do a bad job at being Garfield in my opinion. Just like the mario movie, at least he puts effort to match the character. Even if it's not much, it was still great work. Besides, there's no way in hell I would ever have some actor ruin my experience with the movie.

The animation was really cute and enjoyable to look at. The way the characters or anything moved was so fluid-like. There was even parts that matched the comics. You can tell that there was effort put in the movie for sure.

This is coming from a Garfield fan so my expectations were low. All I wanted though was see a obese orange cat doing something goofy or just having fun in some unexpected adventure. Expectations: met.

The story was pretty interesting since I'm a big fan of anything that's wholesome. And there was a lot of wholesome moments. I was getting a bit worried that Vic (Garfield's dad) was gonna be some backstabbing antagonist. He was already seen and portrayed by a lot of other cats already but.... it was all a misunderstanding.

Vic really cares about his son but has trouble showing it, especially with how much has changed in the confirmed 5 year absence between the two. He just has a hard time balancing that between his friends/partners to be a parent. Being a stray himself is already hard enough since it's just him and his own son.

It can be understandable for Garfield to be mad about his Dad coming in out of nowhere and then dragging him into some heist between someone Vic did unintentionally leave behind. It would be understandable too that Garfield doesn't want to hear his own father that abandoned him at a young age.

At least for Odie's help, a wall was broken down so both can hear each other out besides fighting or building up more of the wall to block out.

Vic just wanted to get food for his own son but was struggling on his own. Even when he did get the food, Garfield ran off to a Italian restaurant where he met Jon and sooner got adopted. I almost thought Vic would get jealous but no. Instead, he feels relieved that his own son is getting better treatment in life than he would. He would of wanted to visit and see him sure, but he feared that he would get in the way.

So the fact he decided to watch him grow up throughout life..... pains me. I'm grateful for the ending where he gets to be with his son but..... AUGH!! HE JUST WANTS THE BEST FOR HIS SON. VIC IS NO DEADBEAT FATHER! HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT HIS SON BUT HAS TROUBLE SHOWING IT! HE DOES SHIT WITHOUT EVEN EXPLAINING. HE'S QUIET ABOUT IT BUT CAN BE SEEN BY THE AUDIENCE THROUGH EXPRESSION ON HOW HE FEELS!!

(Huff..... huff...)

he did though bonded and show interest so at least that's good throughout the movie.

ruh roh..... I said a lot! Nice! It just shows that I had a lot to say about the movie👍

A great mixture of rambling and ranting. (I even tried to get down most of what I was thinking that sticked to me the most about the Garfield movie that I can say off the top of my head)

(So so sorry for posting this late at night. A lot was going on so here. I don't care!)

I'm watching the Garfield movie. I hope it's good