#i have felt them my entire life
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i love u phantom tail. i love u phantom ears
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Wild how we know that Elizabeth Woodville was officially appointed to royal councils in her own right during her husband’s reign and fortified the Tower of London in preparation of a siege while 8-months pregnant and had forces gathering at Westminster “in the queen’s name” in 1483 – only for NONE of these things to be even included, let alone explored, in the vast majority of scholarship and historical novels involving her.
#lol I don't remember writing this - I found it when I was searching for something else in my drafts. But it's 100% true so I had to post it.#elizabeth woodville#my post#Imo this is mainly because Elizabeth's negative historiography has always involved both vilification and diminishment in equal measure.#and because her brand of vilification (femme fatale; intriguer) suggests more indirect/“feminine” than legitimate/forceful types of power#It's still bizarre though-you'd think these would be some of the most famous & defining aspects of Elizabeth's life. But apparently not#I guess she only matters when it comes to marrying Edward and Promoting Her Family and scheming against Richard#There is very lacking interest in her beyond those things even in her traditionally negative depictions#And most of her “reassessments” tend to do diminish her so badly she's rendered utterly irrelevant and almost pathetic by the end of it#Even when some of these things *are* mentioned they're never truly emphasized as they should be.#See: her formal appointment in royal councils. It was highly unconventional + entirely unprecedented for queens in the 14th & 15th century#You'd think this would be incredibly important and highlighted when analyzing late medieval queenship in England but apparently not#Historians are more willing to straight-up INVENT positions & roles for so many other late medieval queens/king's mothers that didn't exist#(not getting into this right now it's too long...)#But somehow acknowledging and discussing Elizabeth's ACTUAL formally appointed role is too much for them I guess#She's either subsumed into the general vilification of her family (never mind that they were known as 'the queen's kin' to actual#contemporaries; they were defined by HER not the other way around) or she's rendered utterly insignificant by historians. Often both.#But at the end of the day her individual role and identity often overlooked or downplayed in both scenarios#and ofc I've said this before but - there has literally never been a proper reassessment of Elizabeth's role in 1483-85 TILL DATE#despite the fact that it's such a sensational and well-known time period in medieval England#This isn't even a Wars of the Roses thing. Both Margaret of Anjou and Margaret Beaufort have had multiple different reassessments#of their roles and positions during their respective crises/upheavals by now;#There is simply a distinct lack of interest in reassessing Elizabeth in a similar way and I think this needs to be acknowledged.#Speaking of which - there's also a persistent habit of analyzing her through the context of Margaret of Anjou or Elizabeth of York#(either as a parallel or a foil) rather than as a historical figure in HER OWN RIGHT#that's also too long to get into I just wanted to point it out because I hate it and I think it's utterly senseless#I've so much to say about how all of this affects her portrayal in historical fiction as well but that's going into a whole other tangent#ofc there are other things but these in particular *really* frustrate me#just felt like ranting a bit in the tags because these are all things that I want to individually discuss someday with proper posts...
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the pressure fandom right now
#pressure#roblox pressure#pressure roblox#pressure game#pressure sebastian#sebastian pressure#sebastian solace#sebastian roblox#Like bro I have never felt this much “pressure”🤪 with fandom drama before like#like holy hell#I just feel mixed feelings about this entire situation#Like one second I see someone talking shit about the dev team and the fandom while trying to Spread a false Narrative#About zerum and then I see someone defending the dev team and the fandom#Or seeing people deconstruct this entire Situation and just boil it done to people being childish about someone else's character and#Boundaries or I'm seeing horror stories about zerum and zeal and other dev members getting doxxed and harassed#And then I'm seeing people getting pissy about the whole thing because of shipping drama or I'm seeing people calling zeal out for#ableism or something else entirely#Like I get where people are coming from with this#This isn't the only time people got mad at a character for put boundaries on their character#And I know it would be the last time unfortunately#I'm not trying to defend zeal or zerum nor am I trying to get people to hurt them#I just feel awful about this whole thing and it's just a reminder to stick to smaller fandoms where people are less vocal ig#ok i'm done yapping#Selfshippers live your best life#And I hope the rest of the dev team recovers from this and try to learn how to be more Professional#Once again#I'm not trying to defend anyone I'm just confused and scared of this whole thing#I just wanted to make silly crossover art with sebastian and not have the fear of someone coming into my inbox or dms with my full name#For once :(#thank you for coming to my semi vent ted talk about the current pressure fandom issue
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Wolfcat is sooooo funky to me esp now that it’s confirmed that Sora and Jordana were in school together and drifted apart. I don’t really see them as toxic yuri anymore and more as Jordana somewhat-joining the ninja and they are both confused as fuck about one another. Just exhausted from life and scared of AND for the other person. They have so many issues to fix between each other and themselves, and if it takes them like 10 years to actually get together then I am completely okay with that. No more toxic yuri only weary yuri now.
#i need them to have so many awkward conversations and crying sessions together you don’t understand#i need them to be very mad at each other. i need them to kiss softly#i’m retracting all my art of them being violent and in love they are now just scared asf#sora because she’s still missing her best friend and the entire world keeps going to shit and she DID NOT sign up for this#and jordana because she disappointed literally everyone in her life so far and joining the ninja has felt like the ultimate defeat#she can barely do magic anymore without feeling so so panicked#these two don’t have time for romance rn but they def have time for slowly becoming each other’s comfort#considering they have known each other for so long#GAHJ they make me insane chat i’m not even joking#ninjago spoilers#ninjago jordana#jordana ninjago#ninjago sora#sora ninjago#raspberryshipping#ninjago raspberry#wolfcat#wolfcat shipping#cable’s txts
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Literally watching my entire political professional sphere shittalk "catering to the woke mob" as the reason for their losses while having spent the last year screaming about how voting for them was the only moral way to value your trans loved ones lives but also no one trans is allowed to ask for specific policy changes because that's too much too fast and realizing pretty much immediately that they really never gave a damn about keeping people like me alive and see me as dead weight that's holding them back and are practically giddy with delight in finally feeling permitted to throw me under the bus
#i have spent my literal entire life working with and for the democratic party and i have never felt more violated than the last 10 years#i tried to tell them what would happennand got called an accelerationist and now they're firebombing my work
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the other day i walked around the golden lake w my love and the sun was setting hot and orange and we watched a brown duck preening through the weeds, ducking her head under the dark water. the cool lake swallowed up my tired feet to the ankles and we counted the dog walkers with their curly panting doodles and their handsome german shepherds and their whip smart little terriers and we admired the careful construction of a sand castle whose moat held determinedly against the lapping of the waves. we could feel in our chests the persistent thunderous thumping of celebratory music at the finish line of the lakeside 5k, welcoming each gasping runner across its bounds. and i felt like crying. i felt like curling into myself and crying. we walked through the swamp of the bird sanctuary afterwards and listened to the woods sing and croak and groan and then we went and got ube and yuzu gelato and devoured it suntired and sweating on the couch in our living room. and i was so overcome w a deep and true unshakeable happiness and a sort of confused grief that i wanted to sob and sob and sob.
#i am so happy for the first time in my entire life#a consistent and true joyfulness#i am in love w my life#i want to stick around to see it#and i mean that w my entire being for the first time in my whole life#and to say that means confronting the first 24 years of my life where that wasn’t true#where i was miserable and heartbroken and unkind and dishonest and cruel#and i didn’t want to be alive#even when i was doing well i still didn’t want to be alive#for 24 years.#i had no fucking idea being alive could be so easy. i had no idea.#i want to hold myself and tell them i want to wrap myself up and say it will be BETTER#it will be so so far from perfect but it will be so so good you just have to hold on#i am so happy but i am mourning#i don’t know how to articulate it at all i just feel#happy but grieving#i LOVE this new city we live in i LOVE it here#i like my job enough to stand it for enough hours a week to get by#i have the time and the energy to throw myself into hobbies like knitting and cooking#i watch one or two good movies a week#i eat delicious food i’ve made and from restaurants we want to try#i’m IN LOVE. with my girlfriend in a way that’s so overwhelming and unlike anything i’ve ever felt that words don’t do it justice#i have friends who are gentle and patient with me when it’s hard for me to reach out#i am fighting agoraphobia tooth and fucking nail and i’m seeing the world and experiencing it#i laugh every day!!!! every single day!!!!#i have a goofy wonderful dog and an incredibly sweet cat#i talk to my baby brother all the time and he tells me he loves me and he’s graduating college soon and i’m so fucking proud#i wish i would’ve known how good it would all become#i wish i could’ve known#personal
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So here we are
...again
#a preview for next week#because i'm losing my mind over the next chapter#in the best way#i wrote this chapter last fall with no intention of it ever seeing the light of day#i was just having fun writing for them and getting to know them#the word 'again' has a link to my first post of the two of them#the photo i took right after finishing this chapter the first time#it felt fitting to recreate it now#as time went on i really wanted to share their whole story#and then i heard this song and it sparked inspiration for this entire arc#every time i hear the intro i see this image of the two them walking together#so it was fun to finally create it#it's so simple.. nothing special really.. but meaningful to me nonetheless yknow#for me... sharing this chapter now feels like a full circle moment#even tho we're only half way through this arc lol#anyway.. i hope you enjoy this week's chapter as much as i've enjoyed writing it and bringing it to life#enjoy the good feels while they last lol#💛🩵#aries outtakes#atlas extras#asher extras#spotify
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You guys ever think about the tragedy that is Junko Enoshima? That she wasn't a sadistic girl seeking out to hurt others for sadistic glee?
Because everything Junko did was her trying to emotionally abuse herself? That she wanting to feel something so badly that she hurt the people she loved most, and even brought about ruin to the world, simply to destroy herself with it?
#junko enoshima#danganronpa#me prior to working on Twins AU: Junko is a poor villain character with little to her aside from sadism#me after actually working hard on Twins AU: .... Wait#the moment I saw something there my brain latched onto it tbh#Like this girl was so miserable with life due to boredom that she#actively#Chose to hurt herself emotionally and mentally#to the point of self destruction#because she literally had nothing else in her life she could enjoy#I think she easily felt love and joy but they had thick layers of boredom to the#them*#And that made them hard to actually enjoy#But despair is an overbearing feeling that consumes you#grief consumes you without fail#And because she learned how strongly she hated herself upon bringing harm to those she loved and all that#The pain so encompassing and engulfing with no boredom to muddy it#The feeling became addicting to her#So she grew more and more extreme with her abuse and self destruction#Until she decided to bring about the destruction of the world#Which if we follow the logic#Kinda weird of Junko who is chasing despair like a drug for her to like#want to destroy the entire world#if she harbored no affection for it#If in her selfish chase for the biggest pain she could feel in her life#if she hated the world why chase the end of it? That would be easy. That would be what she wants. And that's boring.#But if a part of Junko genuinely loved the world she lived in? Destroying it would bring about an unfathomable despair for her#Anyway that is to say Junko is an awful abuser and awful person#But this situation is similar to how I see Kenzo#''If only things were different so you wouldn't have become the monster you are now'' Kind of Tragedy
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I watched Jacks stream oh my gosh...
I thought I could handle a Dsmp stream in 2024 but nope. just- that felt SO much like just a stream that would happen in like 2021. the wandering around falling into random creeper holes, chat telling jack to get philza to help him, and to find michael, the mobs interrupting and how unplanned it all was. unscripted lore my beloved forever and ever.
the way that it's like in tommy and jacks conversation- they're talking about things in character that also relates to (presumably) their feelings in real life. just gosh...
when jack and tommy said their goodbyes and jack looked back at technos house to see the sun rising- like its so perfect in a way that the incidental roleplay always was. Like in the way I know I'm reading into it but it still works and it feels like real life when something happens and you find yourself in that moment and life looks almost like a movie- everything in it's proper place for the scene- but it's all just coincidence. the sun didn't rise because a writer wrote that it would. the sun just rises and falls and the conversation just happens to end at that exact moment.
idk just- I really felt it. It captured the feeling of peak dreamsmp that I've missed so much.
I don't even have a problem with nuke ending personally I think it's perfectly fine as an ending. How I've always seen it is: Everyones been hurt by everyone and violence begets violence so the great final act is nukes that will kill everyone that have all ready been launched so it can't be taken back. Then in the prison tommy sees the early parts of the server through Dreams pov and sees the good that was there at the start and how much that has been corrupted since and he wants that simplicity again (he and dream were even friends at one point) before everything went terrible for everyone. Dream turns his back on his plan that he's been building up to for so long cause what he really wants is the same thing as tommy. for things to be simple like at the start. but it's too late- its too far gone. the nukes have already been launched there's no going back. just the hope that maybe in another world things could've been different.
(also the added context of nuke ending being an elaborate character/relationship/map reset to setup a season 2 that never happened.)
So there's my nuke ending defense lol. I know it wasn't very popular with a vast amount of people and that's okay too.
I think ending something like dsmp was never gonna be easy or satisfy everybody, with how many individual povs there are and storylines. I always expected there to be things left unfinished. (unfinished symphony ;) Even if that's pretty unsatisfying for us viewers. (there's a particular stream I really wish had happened with foolish, dream, and eret)
idk there's a post I always remember when thinking about the ending that was like: "Maybe they couldn't write a happier ending at that time in their lives." (super paraphrasing) obviously talking about techno's passing. it's a bit assumptive but the CC's have talked publicly about how much that has affected them (of course it did). With something like that I imagine giving your minecraft server/roleplay character a happy ending is the last thing on your mind.
Todays stream felt like grief and nostalgia and complicated feelings for a time that has passed but still left it's marks on you:
“are you happier?” “I'm getting there”
like, that just says it all.
#dreamsmp#jack manifold#tommyinnit#dreamsmp finale#I don't really make my own posts on here- especially not like this (giving my thoughts/opinions on stuff lol) I made this acc to-#-look at and reblog dsmp posts and fanart. To see ppl on my dash lore posting the daily streams- it was truly a time.#please excuse my dsmp nuke ending analysis- I'm sure it reads a bit clumsy it isn't really something I have ever written before.#lore discourse in this fandom has always been kinda terrible so I never wrote out my thoughts on the ending when it happened#so it was nice to finally do so ^_^#this entire post was written very stream of thought#anyways the dreamsmp will always be something that I love! Thinking about it and these streams and these characters has brought me so much-#-happiness. (and gave me something to do during the pandemic lol)#part of my missing the dsmp is just how all these creators would talk with each other all the time end up on each others streams and collab#-but when it ended it felt like they all just went their own way. I get that people drift away and stuff thats pretty normal.#I guess with how long dsmp went for I just didn't expect it.#(obviously so much has happened between the dsmp ending and to now irt the ccs and everything. idk I just didn't expect that dsmp would be-#-the last place so many of them would ever interact publicly again. I expected to be able to watch them on other servers or collabs)#but such is life#okay- time to never post again for a year! byeee#text post#long post#pizzainator post
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i said i love zelink
#why do these mfs have so many details in their clothing#bruh drawing this was a nightmare#na dont get me wrong i love them but wtf#zelink#zelda totk#zelda botw#zelda#link#lmao tagging link feels so unfair dude why do u have that nameeeee#anyways i love zelink#i did minor changes to zeldas boots and collar? what the heck is that called. anyways i changed some of it bc i can#and bc my eyes get confused by the lighter tone in her boots like. at first glance i always think her legs are exposed#like shes wearing capri pants or whatever the name#i cant read nor write#i could write an entire paragraph here like those AO3 authors about what happened in my life during the making of this piece#but theres a limit in these tags and id rather just laugh about it#i referenced the ao3 authors bc their life seems cursed and thats exactly how i felt during my own said events#but its ok im back again#until im not anymore#expect more drawings of them from me -needs the pressure
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I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care
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"It is too easy to dismiss [Leonor of Navarre] as an overambitious schemer who would do anything to obtain a crown, shedding the blood of her own siblings and her subjects in order to attain the throne. However, a deeper investigation of her long lieutenancy and ephemeral reign shows a woman who fought tenaciously to preserve her place but also worked tirelessly to administer a realm which was crippled by internal conflict and the center of the political schemes of France, Aragon, and Castile. She tried to broker peace, fight off those who opposed her, repair the wounds caused by conflict, protect the sovereignty of the realm, and keep the wheels of governance turning. Leonor was not always successful in achieving all of these aims but given the background of conflict and the lack of cooperation she received from all of her family members, bar her loyal husband, it is a huge achievement that she survived to wear the crown at all. Many writers have argued that Leonor deserved the troubled lieutenancy, personal tragedies, an ephemeral reign, and a blackened reputation, basing their assumption that she committed a crime that cannot be [conclusively] proven. However, a more fitting description of her would be that of a resolute ruler who successfully overcame a multitude of challenges in order to survive in a difficult political landscape and gain a hard-fought throne.”
-Elena Woodacre, "Leonor of Navarre: The Price of Ambition", Queenship, Gender and Reputation in the Medieval and Early Modern West, 1060-1600 (Edited by Zita Eva Rohr and Lisa Benz)
#historicwomendaily#leonor of navarre#15th century#Navarrese history#my post#I mean...the crime can't be explicitly 'proven' but Leonor DID have the means motive and opportunity; she had the most to gain;#the timing was incredibly convenient for her; and most contemporaries believed she was responsible.#She *did* ultimately act against her brother [Carlos] and sister [Blanca]#Though of course the fact remains that:#1) The final responsibility lies with Juan the Faithless: he was the King; the one in power; and the one who rejected Navarre's succession#Blanca herself - while criticizing Leonor and Gaston - placed the ultimate blame on their father as her 'principal...destructor'#All three siblings were reacting to an unconventional disruption in the system caused by Juan & their actions should be judged accordingly.#2) I am hesitant to believe accusations of 'poison' as a cause of murder given how that was commonly used to slander controversial women#and given how it contributed to the dichotomy of Blanca as a tragic beautiful heroine and Leonor as her scheming ambitious sister#3) Even if Leonor DID commit the crime (imo she was at the very least complicit in it) she is still worthy of a reassessment.#I don't think it's fair for it to define her entire identity#Because it certainly did not define her life - she lived for decades before and would live for decades after#It was on the whole one of the many series of obstacles and challenges she had to face before she succeeded in ascending the throne.#The fact that she died so soon after IS ironic but it is in equal parts tragic. And we don't know what Leonor herself felt about it:#Did she think it was a hollow victory? Or did she feel nothing but satisfaction that she died as the Queen of Navarre? We'll never know.#Whatever the case: given her circumstances the fact that she survived to wear the crown itself was an achievement#It's funny because Woodacre parallels Leonor to Richard III in terms of 'blackened' reputations for 'unproven' (...sure) crimes#(thankfully she admits Richard has been long-rehabilitated; what she doesn't bring herself to admit is that he's now over-glorified)#But I don't think this parallel works at all for the exact reasons she uses to try and reassess Leonor#Namely: Richard was the one in power. He was the King. The ultimate blame for what happened to his nephews was his own.#and moreover: Richard's actions against the Princes DID define his reign and were exactly what provoked opposition to his rule.#Any so-called 'rehabilitation' that doesn't recognize and emphasize this is worthless#also if we want to get specific: the Princes were literal children who did nothing and were deposed in times of peace.#Carlos and Blanca were adults with agency and armies and Leonor's actions against them took place in the middle of a civil war#So ultimately I think Leonor's case is fundamentally very different and I don't think her comparison holds well at all
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🍽️
#this is possibly the worst I’ve felt ever in my entire life and considering the year I had last year that’s really saying a lot#but trying to deal with my siblings has literally broke me#just coordinating on the many different methods we’re trying to evacuate my mum sucked very ounce of energy I had#I’m a very emotional person but I don’t cry but for two consecutive days now I’ve had some water work sessions that make up for the#entirety of my life#but yeah I just pray that this final attempt at getting her out of there works so I never have to work with them again#we just all work on such different wavelength I have no idea how we share a drop of dna#I love them to death but good god#anyway if and when she gets to safety then I’m gonna fucking take all the credit I’m gonna demand a plaque in my name and like some#street to be named after me#anyway last night was cute I got to watch the cat returns for movie night and we established so far it’s our fav ghibli
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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beyond grateful for the people that are surrounding me in my life, just as i am grateful for the people i’ve parted ways with, for without them, i would not be the person i am today.
#i have left so many people throughout my life#and#if someone would ask me if i’d regret any choice i’ve made i would say no#i regret hurting people yet i wouldn’t change a thing if i could#without the suffering the sacrifices and the lessons i would not be the person i am today that i can finally say i’m proud of#whenever i read the question “would you want to be your friend if you’d meet yourself?” deep down my answer was no#i was a good friend and i always tried my best to be there for everyone#but i was so blinded and overwhelmed by my pain that i tried so hard not to project on others that it was exactly the thing i’ve done#i was extremely caring sensitive loving and selfless but my ”bad“ traits were just as extreme#my emotions were so overwhelming that they were scattered all over the place that it didn’t allow me to have any control over them#i used to be so terrified of being alone. all i’ve felt was a great loneliness that was residing within me#until i’ve gathered the strength to leave an entire friendgroup with people that meant the world for me#they weren’t good for me anymore just as i wasn’t for them#since that day i’ve grown a lot i became a better and healthier version of myself#i learned how to be alone and to find the peace in it and in myself#all i’ve had was Allah swt. and He is all i will ever need.#without the hardships in terms of friendship i wouldn’t have been able to learn how to be alone and love and enjoy it#without it i could not say that i could easily give up the people in my life#i could if i had to bc i have Allah swt.#but i’ve learned how to choose and to choose the right people#i don’t need you and never will but i choose you bc i want you in my life and i think that makes it so much more special#i can finally say that i love the person i am today and can’t wait to see myself grow even more as the cycle of growing is never ending#I still have so much to learn and I will let it come to me with open arms#an open mind and an open heart#above all the most precious gift i’ve earned is to learn how to have tawakkul.#everything that happens every trial that is afflicted upon us has meaning#and it’s beautiful.#being able to pick out the khair in everything is the biggest blessing#alhamdulillah for the things that bruised my soul alhamdulillah for the things that mended it#alhamdulillah for everything bc truly; Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.
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