#i have definitely killed him more times than ive saved him i know that much

[ophelia16stufff]

HITMAN AKECHI X BODYGUARD AKIRA AU

akira's only ever employed to protect corrupt old fucks and he doesnt really care whether they die or not, so he gets a bit playful when the guy he's protecting is akechi's target. akechi ends up abandoning his actual mark and tries to kill akira instead after the first few times this happens.

i thought about whether its good as a mr & mrs smith kinda thing where they're married out of convenience and dont know the nature of others work. like akechi marries this wimp because he's pretty much a live in househusband who minds his own business and akira marries this preppy nerd sitting on his high horse who ofc would want a 'perfect' relationship, fake as his own pretty face.

maybe akechi's employer hires akira for protection and thats the exact time akechi decides to go rogue and kill his employer. and they find out who the other is. would be kinda funny.

this works obv when they have masked appearences on the job. maybe akechi's face is always fully covered, and akira wears those masks that look like entirely different faces. idk man ive seen those in mission impossible four. like the ones that loid from spy x family uses lmao.

CONSIDER akira crossdressing and kicking ass. i dont headcanon him to be feminine in appearance but he can definitely pull off some looks that hide the body, and i bet he's got the mannerisms down.

also also theres that voiceline about akechi recognizing akira through that fucking ugly lumpy green diving suit thingy, so yeah sure it takes akechi a hot second to recognize that its akira, but once he does he gets fucking tunnel vision.

oouuuuugh them keeping score of the people akira has saved vs akechi has killed. and after everything is out, akira is more surprised by the fact that akechi can swear rather than the fact that he's killed people. akechi cant believe that his charming rival gets bullied by his own cat.

alr the more i think about this, this is really just a weird spy x family, mr & mrs smith and some other thing mashed up, lol.

[jeanvanjer]

Hi, I hope you don't mind the question, but do you have a list of (historical) romance novels you recommend somewhere? I'm pretty new to the genre and would like some recs to start off with.

Thank you!

Of course I dont mind! I dont have a list here (but if you check the book recs tag or reading romance im sure youd find books ive read or books friends have recommeded) so I'll just post a few here.

Fair warning! I am horrible of keeping track of the books I've read so my recs will be a just a bunch of random books I like. @mermaidsirennikita and @triviareads are far more organized in their book recs than I am so you can always check their pages.

Please let me know if you'd like specific tropes!! Or more importantly if you have any TWs!

The Chief (the entire Highland Guard series actually) by Monica McCarthy. Tor MacLeod is a highland laird very much focused on helping Robert the Bruce with his secret plan to free Scotland from English Rule but his sudden marriage to sweet Tina is distracting him. They're forced to marry after she's found in his bed (her dad blackmailed her into getting herself ruined instead of her sister). The entire series is honestly a banger. It marries actual history with romance in a very clever way. The Chief is 1 of 12 so you have a lot of different tropes and stories to choose from if this one isnt for you!

Convergence of Desire by Felicity Niven - A TRULY WONDERFUL book with great disability rep. Harry (Harriet) is probably the biggest STEM heroine Ive read in HR (I know you love those based on your writing) and is on the spectrum. On paper Thomas is a rake that cannot fathom committing to only one woman but he needs to marry for money fast and she just wants to solve Fermat's Last Theorem. They enter a marriage of convenience and this book is just plain lovely. The very few books that have made me cry. Its emotional and the relationship that builds between these two is just🤌🏽🤌🏽🤌🏽🤌🏽

The Winter King and The Sea King by CL Wilson. CL Wilson is an amazing writing imo. I haven't read romantasy since high school and these books were the first ive read and enjoyed after such a long time. The first book is a marriage of convenience/ forced marriage situation. Her brother killed his brother and fiance?? I dont remember the specifics. But he wants a bride as payment and Thasin (our herione) father is an ass and decided TW there is dubcon. The first sex scene is the wedding night and there are aphrodiacs involved. Second one Dilys is a merman. Thats always fun. Super feminist too. Dont remember the exact details but did have a great time reading this one too.

The Duke Gets Even by Johanna Shupe. Shupe is a great writer and from the very few books I've read of her, The Duke Gets Even is probably my favorite.

Anything by Lorraine Heath but the most recent book I remember reading is The Duchess Hunt where the hero appoints his secretary (who secretly loves him) to find his a wife. Preferably one who is as organized, wonderful, and knows him as much as she does LOL. Lorraine one of the best writers in the genre and they always hit emotionally. You won’t go wrong with anything by her.

Again the Magic by Lisa Kleypas. An all time favorite book of mine. Think Persuasion but with a revenge plot. Aline drives McKenna away when they were younger to save him and he comes back a rich ass bitch ready for revenge. The chemistry between Aline and McKenna is insane. One of the few times I truly believed the “soulmates” thing. These two are definitely soulmates. And there’s a wonderful secondary romance as well.

What I Did For a Duke by Julie Anne Long. An Age Gap romance where Alexander plans to seduce Genevieve as revenge against her brother (who slept with his mistress) but she susses him out quickly from there they become sort of friends? he helps her win over her crush, he tells her she has stars in her hair, and along the way they fall in love. Alex is one of my all time favorite heroes.

Lord Of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase. As much as I love the hero of this book, Dan I recommend this book a lot solely for the heroine. Jessica Trent has my heart. She is that bitch.

Heartless Duke by Scarlett Scott. An intense romance between Leo, an agent for England and Bridgit, a fenian rebel. Lots of angst and sexual tension. So good.

Lost in Your Arms and That Scandalous Evening by Christina Dodd. These books were one of the first books I read when I started my own reading journey so these hold a special place in my heart. LIYA is about Enid who’s living her life as a widowed caretaker but then someone comes to tell her husband is alive and on the brink of death so she’s forced to nurse him back to health. The love confession that happens is honestly one of my favorite confessions of all time. TSE is about Jane who is back from self imposed exile after a scandal that ruined her ten years back. Ransom, the cause of her scandal and her last crush, suspects of being a spy and tries to stop her. With his heart (and dick).

[hyperanaemia]

Sorry, I don't mean to disappear for months, but I've been getting back into reading comics after taking a super long break to play bg3. So, I've finally gotten around to reading the Knight Terrors: Robin issues that have been sitting in my 'to read' box months after they've been relevant. I’m sure everyone else had a bunch to say when it came out but here’s my two cents. 

The issues just really fall flat to me. Like, I wasn't expecting a two-shot to be a deep dive into Tim's dead-dad trauma or anything, but I do feel like it misses what the core fear/horror that surrounds Jack's death is. 

Like, the KT issues posset that what Tim fears the most is failing to save people, with his dad's death being the figurehead of that. That this failure is what makes him unworthy of being Robin. I'm not going to say that isn't true, that reasoning definitely factors into Tim's trauma. But it also just feels basic to me.

Like, 'failing to save a loved one' is one of the most basic superhero tropes at this point. I'd be hard pressed to think of a hero who hasn't failed to save someone they know. It might as well be a rite of passage.  

(In fact, here's a panel of Tim thinking as such about his parents in an issue literally called Rites of Passage.) 

Also, Tim has already had a 'crisis of faith' arc after failing to save someone with the character of Eldon Adams (Young El). It had a very big impact on Tim and the fallout of that lasted for several issues.

Identity Crisis certainly has its flaws and at times I question the need to kill off Jack in the first place. But, to me anyway, Jack's death is beautifully written and manages to tie his and Tim's decades-long storyline off in an interesting way. 

The important point to make about Tim in relation to all this is that he chooses to be Robin. He was never picked, he was never fated, he was not born to do it. Robin is something he actively chooses to be. At first, it's an easy choice to make. Tim reasons that since his parents are off doing their own thing it won’t be an issue if he’s gone all the time. But, as time goes on, Jack starts spending more time at home, wanting to spend more time with Tim. The issue "resolves" in this instance by having Jack's time get taken up when he starts dating Dana Winters. But this tension continues to be a major subplot throughout Tim’s series. Tim and Jack’s already strained relationship is constantly made worse by Robin.     

Tim feels guilty that his duty as Robin keeps getting in the way of his relationships. Tim's friends like Ives and Ariana are constantly stood up or brushed aside. Anything that ties Tim to the normal life he used to have is always being balanced against Robin. And for as much as Tim tries to maintain it, for as much as he says his normal life is what keeps him grounded when push comes to shove Tim always ends up choosing Robin.  

The thing that makes Jack's death different from all the other parental deaths in the Batfam, and the Identity Crisis did right, is that they made it a direct consequence of Tim choosing to be Robin. Bruce's parents were killed at random. Dick's were targeted in a situation outside of his control. Jason's mother was killed for her involvement with the Joker, which started before he even met her (and his dad with Two-Face).  

Jack was killed because his son was Robin. In Identity Crisis, Jean Loring targets the family members of heroes. She never would have hired Captain Boomerang to kill Jack if Tim wasn't Robin.  

(Obviously, none of this is to minimize any of these characters' pain or to say one is worse than another.)   

The added twist of the knife is that Tim had been spending that week with Jack instead of helping everyone find the killer. It's the one night that Tim chooses to go out as Robin again that Jack is killed. If Tim had stayed just one more night, even just one more hour, he could have saved his dad. And Jack lets him go because he knows how important Robin is to Tim.

This is more of an aside, I love this sequence of Tim ripping off his Robin uniform. Like obviously the intention is that Tim can't be seen wearing it when the police arrive. But the subtext to me reads that Tim is ripping Robin off, this thing that's come between them at every moment. Tim, before he even knows if Jack is alive or dead, doesn't want Robin to come between them anymore.

And Jack's death is something of a 'point of no return' for Tim. Before this, many of the people who know Tim is Robin have pointed out that he could always return to a normal life if he wanted to. Tim himself believes that he'll probably retire being Robin at some point. (I have my own thoughts that aren't relevant here about how that's more about him being practical as opposed to his genuine wish for his future, but I digress.) But after this, Tim is locked into the vigilante life. There's nothing normal he could return to. If he can’t be good at this, then what was the point? 

KT Robin just feels uninspired. It doesn't try to extract what makes Jack's death unique or interesting. It just picks the most surface-level takeaway you could have from it. Like, it's not just about being not good enough for the job. It's losing everything because you chose to do this job and you still don't know if you're good enough to do it.

[liverpool-enjoyer]

footballers as taylor swift songs

requested by my swiftie in Christ @yudgefudge!! thank you luv <3

leo: you're on your own, kid. ive been associating him w this song way before i knew that everyone else was doing the same lmao. it rlly does encompass his entire journey, from humble beginnings n jus being a little kid playing for fun (from sprinkler splashes/to fireplace ashes), to being the best in the world n all the struggles that come with it (i search the party.../just to learn that my dreams arent rare). the man gave his blood sweat n tears like hed be saved by a the "perfect kiss" which here is a metaphor for the wc obviously. n ohmygosh "everything you lose is a step you take"!!!! BRUH???!?!?! every line, from "i didnt chose this town (ie paris)/i dream of getting out/theres just one who could make me stay", to "the jokes werent funny, i took the money/my friends from home dont know what to say" are all SO leo coded.

ney: anti-hero. i ADORE him n theres a lot of people that like him. but theres also a lot of people who like not liking him. hes one of the best in the world, and as great as that is, he has, unjustifiably so, garnered a significant amount of haters (its me, hi, im the problem, its me/at tea time, everybody agrees). hes rlly endured a ton of it throughout the years, but keeps going (pierced through the heart/but never killed). after facing so much backlash, youd probly worry about the people that still support you and how much longer you can hold on to that (one day i'll watch as youre leaving/and life will lose all its meaning). also, hes a rich person. which makes the bridge pretty relatable for him but like in a funny way.

gavi: nothing new. this one is more based off my inner musings than actual like evidence. i have no idea whats going on this lil dudes head. but i know that IF i were in his position, i'd relate to this song a FUCK TON. its basically a song abt being in the spotlight, n being the shiny young thing that has peoples attention. but what happens when thats not true anymore? (Lord, what will become of me/once ive lost my novelty?) what happens in a few years when an even younger prodigy comes around n impresses everyone? (are we only biding time 'til i lose your attention?/and someone else lights up the room?/people love an ingénue). im not gonna write down the whole birdge but its basically abt the inevitably of meeting your replacement. the song basically asks: "will you still want me/when im nothing new?" he seems like a happy dude who probly doesnt think abt this stuff, but if i were a famous promising young soccer player, this stuff would definitely weigh on my mind.

muller: the story of us. Lord forgive my mullendowski heart. i tried to think of a song that would fit jus him n leave shipping out of it but,,, yeah it wasnt happening. in my mind theyre a package deal. anywho the song's about being around someone youre still in love with after youve broken up (now im standing alone in a crowded room/and we're not speaking and im dying to know/is it killing you like its killing me). ik theyre on good terms n all but in my mindbrain i imagine him them being in the same place for the first time since lewy left him bayern and poor thomas jus "nervously pulling at my clothes/and trying to look busy." and my gosh "but you held your pride like you shouldve held me"??? the AUDACITY. i can go off about this whole song tbh. oh n also even tho speak nows a country album this song is kinda,,, rock/punk-ish kinda??? which is to say, its very loud. much like a certain someone. fun fact i almost put seven for him bc of "before i learned civility/i used to scream ferociously/anytime i wanted" but i figured one line wasnt enough for me to put the whole song.

mbappe: evermore. this is a brooding song. a depression song. so i can definitely see this as a post 2022 world cup final song for him. it actually relates to a sports loss very well. (i used to listen to this song n think a oikawa from haikyuu,,, heh). if theres one thing abt mbappe its that hes dedicated. i can see him "replay(ing) my footsteps on each stepping stone/trying to find the one where i went wrong," yknow, jus thinking abt the final over n over. very "i rewind the tape but all it does is pause/on the very moment all was lost." but at the end of it all, hes young, hes talented, n has more world cups ahead of him. ie: "i had a feeling so peculiar/this pain wouldnt be for/evermore."

klopp: dear reader. this whole song is just advice. its taylor dishing out advice to her fans, most of whom are younger than her. kloppo loves his players, he wants to give them good advice that applies not only on the pitch, but off it as well. (dear reader/bend when you can, snap when you have to/dear reader/you dont have to answer, just cause they asked you) however its no secret that our lovely manager can be pretty hard on himself. so its possible that while he gives advice to those he loves, he feels like hes not worthy of giving it (you wouldnt take my word for it/if you knew who was talking).

again, everything stated is speculation, fueled entirely by my delusional lil mindbrain. as i dont know these ppl.

[kitsunefaux]

Hey!! Anon cause I'm shy, but I'm a big fan of your writing! Ive left some guest kudos on your fics and am always waiting patiently for the next update! I was wondering if you had any recommendations for fics since you seem like the type to have good taste... I'd love to read more stuff that reminds me of your work!

Hey! Thank you! I definitely do have some recommendations I’d like to share. These are in no particular order.

Ryou-centric (and/or tendershipping)

Corruption by firetrap

After seeing the pharaoh off to the underworld, Ryou comes home to find that his own spirit hadn’t left like he thought.

The Last Puzzle by tenderwulf

11 years after the Ceremonial Duel, Atem and Bakura inexplicably find themselves back in Domino. When they meet their previous hosts, they realize how much things have changed: Yuugi, the now world-renowned King of Games, is going through a marriage crisis, Ryou is struggling to balance studies, work, and his brittle mental health, and Malik... well, Malik is living his best life—and his own yami is nowhere to be seen.

They soon realize they all have to work together in order to solve the mystery of the yamis' return: some to make sure that they stay, and some to make sure that they don't.

Haunted by Ehtar

Ever since receiving a strange artifact from his father, Ryou Bakura’s life has changed. He gains the friends he’s always wanted, and the bullies are disappearing. At night, though, he dreams of the life of a thief in ancient Egypt. A young boy who was the sole survivor of his village’s slaughter, who must turn to thievery and worse in order to survive on his own.

Ryou knows that something is wrong when his friends begin to fall to the same malady as the bullies, that something is wrong with him. It’s not until he makes some new friends in Domino City, including a boy who has an artifact similar to his own, that he realizes he harbors the soul of that thief within himself – that he’s been possessed for years by the spirit of a killer.

He should rid himself of the evil spirit, save himself and those around him. The only trouble is, now he doesn’t know where one of their souls begins and the other ends. After so long, he’s not even sure he would reject the spirit if he could. After all, no one knows him so well as the spirit that haunts him.

Cornered by YadonushiRyou

Life is different for Private Investigator Ryou after a too close encounter with a maniacal killer. Ryou has to deal with physical and mental scars, navigating through life only to find that he can’t forget Bakura as easily as he would have liked. His partner Malik tries to help him along the way, but things between them are much different than they used to be, causing tension in their close relationship. Meanwhile, time is running out when it seems the killer on the loose has already chosen his next victim.

An Unwhole Half by SheIsHoldingACat

The problem with being one half of a whole is that the other half has to agree. The problem comes when the other half wants it all to itself.

Or:,

Ryou wishes he had the bond with his spirit that Yugi has. He wishes it was possible.

Philosophy of a Knife by crushedmary

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Ryou learns this the hard way when he becomes the vessel for Zorc's power.

A canon rewrite where Bakura wins.

Other Yugioh

Gratitude by Resuri

Amir is an assassin. His job is easy. Someone give him a target, he kills them, and he gets paid for it. Not to mention he is really good at it. However, never could he had imagined his job would have him to be acknowledged by the most beautiful and horrific creature he ever saw.

But, hey, Ryou just wants to thank him for the meals!

Our Scars remind Us that the Past was Real by Sesshy380

Imagine waking up, and everyone is trying to convince you that the things you 'remember’ never happened, and that those 'memories’ exist only in YOUR head. The Thief King doesn’t have to imagine…because that’s exactly what happened.

-or-

The Thief King get’s a second chance at life.

Martyrs by SheIsHoldingACat

the history of the shadow games extends three-thousand years, to Ancient Egypt...

~

A rewrite of the events of Memory World, with emphasis on moral greyness, political intrigue, and the premise that Thief King Bakura was entirely justified

These are a few of the fics I really like. Thank you for your ask!

@resuri-art @worldendercharles @tenderwulf @crush3dmary @sesshy380 @millenniumringg

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

I feel like how quick Hart switches sides might be something that doesn't work for some people but I love it so much. He starts out as an averagely decent person, a bit snarky about his subordinates but how does one keep from going mad over the winters if not by cracking the occasional snarky quip about the other residents of Fort Spencer, he goes out of his way to try to make newcomer Boyd feel included, he keeps the fort functioning on a minimal level but doesn't have too high standards--which you could see as a good or bad thing, I feel like Reich would want there to be higher standards and more discipline, but this is Fort Spencer at the edge of buttfucknowhere, the place where fail soldiers get sent to rot, they're not important and Hart knows it and it seems like he mostly leaves everyone alone to do as they please. But he takes command when necessary, getting everyone together to look for and then care for Colqhoun and then organizing the attempted cave rescue. He doesn't seem overly worried about the supernatural but also isn't stupid about it and takes the precaution of tying Colqhoun up when he starts exhibiting some bloodlusty behaviors. He studies "classical" ancient languages as well as the languages of the local Native Americans. He's a neat character.

And then he gets stabbed multiple times! He starts to die, he knows he's dying and he panics. Ives feeds him and he accepts what cannibalism offers him wholeheartedly. Not just not dying, but a complete and rapid recovery, strength, health, better eyesight, his hair starts to un-grey. And he just has to kill people! So he kills people! He kills and helps cook at least two of his own men and is downright jolly about it! This guy just had a traumatizing near death experience during which everyone else in his party either died or disappeared and now Ives is like "I've saved your life. Join my cannibalism club™" and he does. He does do that.

The way he tells Boyd that by the time he was conscious enough to understand what was happening it was already too late says a lot to me. I think he wants to believe he has no agency in the cannibalism so he doesn't feel guilt about it. So he's deep deep in denial until that talk with Boyd, thus the outburst, and then finally he really looks at what's going on and he's like. No yeah you're right I can't keep doing this. Please kill me I can't keep living at the expense of others.

The fact that while he was coughing up blood and actively dying at the cave he encouraged Boyd to leave him behind and go try to save Toffler from Ives, and then later on he definitely ate Toffler...

It just all makes sense to me. He's a very human character, with moments of cowardice and of heroism. And I really like the acceptance of death framed as something heroic. And this is not long after an extremely painful and traumatizing first death! He willingly chooses to die a second time rather than keep living the way he's been living. I love him.

[vacantgodling]

Another ask!! 🌚🌚 For the white shirts and the Virgin of Mt. Heredosa?

i was HOPING someone would ask about the white shirts cuz that’s the story i really wanted to just talk about lmao because honestly idk when i’ll ever commit to writing it but i have so many thoughts about it (cuz ive had this wip since an abandoned roleplay in middle school LMAOOOO)

so tw for Heavy spoilers of 2 of my wips and death, ambiguous and or slightly dubious (perhaps) relationships, sex, aaannnnnd manipulation or.. is it? 👀

THE WHITE SHIRTS

so, to fully explain the white shirts—it takes place at the tail end of an apocalyptic mega event (removed by a few decades). prosper and jane morning (twins) were born during this time and live in a small town in what was once middle-america where fires are frequent and the HQ of their “village” is out of a gutted old fire department building from the before times. jane is more of an optimist while prosper is more of a pessimist but they care for each other fiercely; they’re attached at the hip. all of this changes when the titular White Shirts (dubbed this by jane) come to their town in sleek black lincoln town cars (from the old days), white button downs, shades, and slacks. they also have machine guns and uHHHHH unfortunately slaughter everyone in the town. prop and jane manage to escape this random violent act, however, they are pursued because no one was supposed to make it out alive and tbh they don’t even know why they’re being hunted. when they manage to make it to one of the abandoned “old days” cities, they run into someone else who’s alive: a boy named marin. and i want to specify ages now, prop & jane are 16 and marin is 19 — and that “slight” age gap is important tm. anyway prop doesn’t trust marin immediately but jane is softened by the fact that marin is injured AND he knows that they’re running from the white shirts because he is too. it turns out marin came from what was once california and has been running from the white shirts ever since because he Also wasn’t supposed to escape. he calls them something else but quickly adopts the name white shirts like jane. prop doesn’t want him traveling with them but they’re forced to worry about that later when the white shirts descend upon them and they have to flee again, marin’s smarts proving to be very useful (since prop and jane were p sheltered. well, sheltered for an apocalypse anyway). marin tells them that his goal is to head to the east coast to get on a ship that goes to the rest of the world to try and escape the white shirts and with no other plan, prop and jane decide to follow him. during this time, the three become close. ish. jane is definitely the glue that holds them together but prop and marin definitely have TENSION, which ends with them making out at one point while jane is off … idk somewhere. she volunteered to find supplies or something bc it’s possible prop is also injured by this point whatever. it’s fucked tho bc while they’re making out and jane is off, she’s captured by white shirts and long story short she ends up being killed which nearly breaks prop. but marin keeps pushing him and them to make it to the coast bc he’s like listen jane wouldn’t want you to stop she would want us to escape, and prop is all she would’ve wanted me to save her it’s a mess. marin uses the newly established physical nature of their relationship to distract prop and keep him from the deepest throes of grief and they keep pushing to make it to the coast, managing to hop on a still working train line heading there. the train is hijacked by white shirts and more pandemonium ensues, which ends up with prop deciding he’s going to blow up the train and he pushes marin into the main engine after kissing him a final time, saying he’s going to see jane. it’s clearly implied he dies in the explosion, and marin continues on, making it to the east coast. when there, he sees how much more advanced it is than the west coast and middle america and he’s able to gain passage to a ship to europe. the book would end with some line referencing prop’s name (prosper) and would end ambiguously cuz you dk what happens fully to marin.

so, there’s a lot of STUFF going on with this story, and a lot of things that i know will make people FEEL some type of way and part of that's the point. there's a reason that marin is purposefully older than prop and jane: i want him to feel ambiguous and i want the reader to be more on the side of prop who are somewhat suspicious of him. none of marin's actions FULLY make it so that he's a bad guy; like he still goes out of his way to help prop and jane and he genuinely grows to care about the two of them, but i want it to still be left ambiguous at the end if he decided to travel with prop and jane so that he could use them as meat shields to get to the coast? type energy yknow. the fact that he and prop have a physical relationship as well with somewhat dubcon vibes after jane's death is also a thing bc prop is consenting to the stuff that they do but he's also completely grief-stricken. and while 16 adn 19 is only three years i KNOW people are going to argue that its a problematic age gap and tbh i want that bc it adds credibility to marin being an enigma of a character. i want people to not know what to think of him because all we know about him (aside from his actions) are all based on what he tells us. we never get flashbacks to his backstory, and maybe some of the things he said are a bit contradictory and that's part of it. its also the fact that we end the story with marin. the guy we know nothing really about after watching the twins go through it and inadvertedly save his life time after time even since they first met, yet it seems like he almost dragged them into this.

but at the same time you remember that prop and jane were being hunted anyway. that marin in the beginning offers to go his own way, and refuses jane's help but she insists. that jane insists to go foraging on her own because she doesn't want to be a burden on the two of them that are already injured. that prop clings to marin, even if he pulls away because he's crying while their kissing because he wants to feel something. so imo you can argue that marin is also just a guy who is also stuck in a shitty situation just the same as them and unfortunately even though he tried to save them by bringing him with them, they weren't meant to live. obviously i am (as the author) a bit more sympathetic to marin BUT i really do like the ambiguity, just as i like the ambiguity of the white shirts in general. i'm never going to go into detail about what they want or why they're trying to hunt and kill them, that's not important. what's important is the relationship between these three characters, survivor's guilt, and how to power through grief, or let it consume you. yknow?

i also didn't realize it until now but its also definitely got some parallels to slavery and the black struggle bc all of the characters (prop, marin and jane) are black, meanwhile the white shirts along with wearing white shirts are also. well. yknow. its almost like a reverse underground railroad situation going from deep in america to the east coast to lands beyond on a boat. that was unintentional but it exists and sure you can look at it from that angle.

there's probably more i could ramble about because i have a lot of Thoughts about this wip i just unfortunately don't have the brain power to sit down and try to write it lol. maybe one day though!!

THE VIRGIN OF MOUNT HEREDOSA

this wip is a take on the "age old" question: if you were being sacrificed to a deity because you were a virgin, could you nullify your eligibility by no longer being a virgin?

nyoka is a xenabi, this universe's word for foreigner and came to this particular city (that is not named LMAO) when they were just a child because their parents were traveling merchants. unfortunately, their parents passed away during a plague at the time, and orphan nyoka was taken in by the sanctuary (or the religious body of the city). it seems like a kind gesture at first, but in actuality the caveat for them taking nyoka in is that they will be eventually sacrificed to the city's deities and so they have to adhere to a vegetarian diet and "keep pure" until its decided that its their time. unlike some of the other people who were "rescued" by the sanctuary, nyoka never adheres or converts to the religion in question and has been trying to find ways to escape being a sacrifice and they constantly get in trouble for sneaking out. one day in another attempt, they are stopped, caught, and then called before the council of elders where they learn that the next full moon, which is like a short amount of time (either 3-5 days or smthn) away, they're going to be thrown into the volcano as a sacrifice.

nyoka is freaking out. eating meat won't buy them time, they realize what they have to do is become not a virgin. after they learn this they are able to successfully sneak out the next day and during the daytime they meet a handsome spice merchant who is also a foreigner in this land. the two of them hit it off, though nyoka doesn't tell him of their predicament and the spice merchant offers them food. as the sun sets nyoka realizes they have to go to start their plan to become not a virgin and so they hurry off to the red light district. there, they manage to hide the fact that they're a sacrifice (all sacrifices are branded with magic so that people will know they are to be sacrificed) and sell themselves to a brothel for the night and they are quickly purchased when its discovered they're a virgin. when they're taken to a back room, the patron quickly discovers they're a sacrifice and flees, making a huge ruckus and nyoka is thrown out of the brothel (because people are terrified that if they taint a sacrifice that the gods will come for them). the sanctuary is called and nyoka is dragged back and locked in solitary confinement until they're supposed to die.

however, they manage to sneak out again despite the added restrictions but even still are late for their planned meeting with the spice merchant, the sun is nearly set. when they do meet, nyoka ends up breaking down and explaining everything that happened and how they're probably going to die tomorrow and the spice merchant offers to take nyoka back to his home since they "have nothing to live for". instead of going back into the city, the spice merchant leads them deep into the jungle until they are standing before a giant seemingly dilapidated mansion, however inside is warm and inviting. they talk and nyoka learns the spice merchant's name, verin. if they paid attention to the religion this would have perhaps tipped them off sooner because verin is the name of the god of destruction who was cast off of the volcano by the other gods in this city's religion. verin flirts openly with nyoka who doesn't seem to understand what he's hinting at, until finally, he laughs and asks them if they're too shy to ask for his help. nyoka doesn't understand and verin explains that if they no longer wish to be a virgin, he'd be happy to help them with that "problem" to save their life.

then they fuck PFFFF and while this happens, verin changes from a beautiful dark skinned man into a larger 4-armed, blue skinned deity and nyoka FINALLY puts together that he's not human LMAO. hashtag this is monster-fucker territory. but as they're yknow, nyoka's sacrifice mark disappears.

the next morning when they wake up, verin is still in his deity form and he does tell them that they're free the mark is gone, what will they do. nyoka isn't sure, but then decides that they want to travel with verin, and thus they head back into the city to get supplies for their trip. while there, they run into those from the sanctuary who have been looking for nyoka all night and when they try to grab them, nyoka informs them that they're no longer a virgin and thus can't be sacrificed. when its discovered their mark is gone, this enrages the head mother and she tries to kill nyoka, but verin steps in and stops her, burning the woman with acid. this is very reminiscent of stuff from their deity lore and the other nuns (or whatever) realize that he's verin the destroyer and thinks nyoka has been bewitched. nyoka shuts that shit down, says they love him, and throws their shoe at them until verin drags them away, laughing for how sweet it is for them to try and defend his honor. later that evening they've finished packing for their journey and then head off into the night to explore the rest of the world that nyoka has never seen.

this story is definitely a short story and technically i've started writing it. i may try to finish it soon cuz i get excited for it whenever i think about it BUT i dont wanna put too much pressure on myself to. its also supposed to feel folk-tale like! i love nyoka and verin they're so sweet and so good for each other <3

[jackietaylorsghost]

Honestly a TLOU2 about Abby going on her revenge journey and still having all her bonding time (or, you know, more) with whatstheirfaces and then... you know, basically giving her Ellie's arc, where she has to choose NOT to enact revenge against Joel... that would have been a good game.

oh definitely! if their goal was to parallel abby/lev’s journey with joel/ellie’s that would have worked SO much better. if we had met her on her journey TO jackson and travelled it with her and along the way she met lev and yara maybe trying to escape seattle and the seraphites (for a different reason plssss cus idk why we still have to have transphobia 20 years into an apocalypse) and there’d be that same arc but fleshed out and over a longer period than 2 fucking days (their day 1 together hardly counts lol) and through that bond growing abby begins to understand why joel saved ellie cus she’d do the same for this kid - in fact, she does in a way when she kills all her own people for him but it would have stuck better if a) it had been longer than a day to get her to that point of turning on the people she’s known and fought beside for years and b) we’d seen a moment of clarity like ohhhh now i get why he did it and why my revenge was unjust and wrong. it’s really amazing how they wanted to parallel abby and joel but they couldn’t even make that basic connection of abby gaining some clarity and ppl say it’s well written lmfao???!!! it was right there in front of them… but yeah anyway if she’d had that moment of understanding why joel did it and then be able to grapple with this revenge she’s set out on it would have been SO much better.

the issue is this. neil wanted to tell his story about abby. that in itself is not an issue. the issue is that bcus he wanted to pull in those big numbers, he decided ellie and joel needed to be a big part of the story too. the result is a ham fisted and heavy handed mess that doesn’t work narratively or structurally. the way it’s structured to accommodate for all the different parts makes it feel like such a slog to get through. ive played longer games that felt shorter to play than tlou2. and narratively it’s just a mess bcus the stories have been forced together in a way that doesn’t work and ends up being a hypocritical, unsubtle mess. if neil had just told a story about abby in which ellie and joel aren’t there in person (only in presence through abby’s journey) or are just there at the end when abby gets to jackson, it would have worked better narratively and structurally. and like fix the abby issues too pls - it’s extremely weird to be trying to make me sympathise with her when she’s so brutal (the way she killed joel, being sad she has no time to torture seraphites, the fact she’s top soldier in her authoritarian militia and has no qualms about wiping out a whole group and killing children etc) and generally unpleasant (horrible to mel, sleeps with owen when mel is pregnant, has a serious lack of empathy towards ellie ‘we let you live and you wasted it’ ok well u also killed someone clearly very important to her, maybe show remorse and empathy bcus losing ur dad was so painful to you?? again it’s wild the point of the game is to find empathy for abby when she behaves as she does). but again, if there’d been more than 3 days and we’d been able to see her grow and change from that person to a better person the way joel did, it just would have worked better.

[dayurno]

No but fr. Kandrew win. Let me EXPLAIN Gansey and Ronan to you (the characters that post is about) so you can know how much

So Richard Campell Gansey III is a fancy rich boy who believes he has a Destiny™. He died once and a ghost told him has to find a Lost Ancient King and so he built his entire personality around that. Also he is going to die again but that's nbd

Ronan Lynch is an ANGRY rich boy. His dad was murdered a couple years back and his life has spiraled out of control since, including the dreams/nightmares he kind of brings to reality once in a while, and a lot of drag racing and other general bad ideas.

They are BEST friends. They go to the same private school. When Ronan was on his self-destruction spiral, Gansey saved him from being killed by a nightmare and they have been attached at the hip since. Ronan goes on countryside walks to satisfy Gansey's obsession. The only time Gansey, a famously moral person, did shady things was to keep Ronan on school and therefore by his side. He also punched a man to defend him once. They would die for each other.

There are more parallels than this but it would get too long. You can even cast Adam as Neil.

The best part of trc is that literally every relantioship is too unhinged not to be a little romantic. They are all canonically in love with each other

HAHA THIS WAS SO SERIOUS AND PASSIONATE youve convinced me anon youve already convinced me on the first line i believe in you! dearly and honestly!

because of this i did pick up trc again! i do have some thoughts so far and youre right adam can be cast as neil because they have a very interesting brand of self-flagellation and snark! also very observant and somehow detached from it? can't quite explain it but i really see it!

gansey oh well ive always liked him :) reading trc now ive really only grown more fond of him, hes smart and beautiful and gentle........ i dont know yet about him being anything alike kevin but i do really see how his little gangly pack of mutts' loyalty for him is alike to how andrew and neil (and jean!) look at kevin..... i think perhaps gansey is a manic pixie dream girl-fied version of kevin, which is not quite how he is in reality, but is definitely how the remains of the perfect court see kevin! so in a way they are the same. but more so kevin is a shadow of ganseys shadow if that makes sense

and for ronan i was surprised at how much i actually liked him! ive seen him going around on tumblr and well i need you to know i dont trust bald men or even men with buzzcuts so in my first read of him back in 2020 i didnt like ronan at all. now that im older and more mature and such i do like him a lot though! he is angry and child-like which i see in andrew, but because he is so undeniably 16 years old about it there is an earnestness to him andrew has since lost. nevertheless i really see how he trails after gansey like a puppy on a leash so yeah in the end. kandrew

as a final and perhaps funny consideration i think kevins trcsona might actually be blue.... a little gruff and clumsy and moved by a lot of guilt (im only on book one!) but still with a lot more bite than youd expect..... im not yet sure though. just throwing ideas around. for now lets stick to gansey

[blazerwyvernmaster]

FE10 Thought: Ike is boring in FE10

Ive been thinking about it and Ike is a lot less interesting in Radiant Dawn than Path of Radiance imo. He's at borderline Mary Sue territory.

Like I still love Ike but... mostly because of most of the stuff in Path of Radiance.

Radiant Dawn does so much to make you like him. And you do but... I don't think I remember seeing Ike have...a flaw. Or struggle that much really.

The Greil Mercenary's are much stronger than the other two parties.

They save Lucia(who I feel should've died/become too injured to fight) in one of the coolest scenes in the series.

Ike is the only one who can kill the final boss with that being the literal ONLY time that's happened in the history of the games as far as I know.

He gets two personal swords

Him Vs BK is still awesome to this day.

Etc etc...

It's...kinda a lot. He didn't really need this much to be cool. He already is/was in the first Tellius game.

He overshadowed Micaiah in what I feel like was her game, considering she IS on the box.

And everyone sorta hates her because of gameplay, and also FE10 bringing up the blood pact when it could've easily been told to us in FE9.

It also doesn't help that she dislikes Ike, even if she does have a reasonable explanation as to why.

Plus there's the whole branded/magic healing/cool background, but like... She's not really that much of a Mary Sue.

Imo a Mary Sue is someone who controls the entire setting they live in, bending the story and narrative to their will to make them likable. And she definitely doesn't do that.

I saw a video once saying you could remove her from the story entirely and nothing would really change, besides a few details here and there.

And even Ike doesn't bend the story too much, but a LOT is done to make you like him and his group more than the other people.

That's concludes my mini essay/rant/ whatever this is on FE10 is really wierd.

Back to your regularly scheduled...

Wait what do I even regularly do here-

[navire190413]

i am exhausted. i really need to stop drinking so much. i almost didnt make it into work today just because i wanted to sleep more. probably since i've been going to bed around 2 every night. i really gotta adjust my life style soon or i feel like there will be serious consequences somehow.

ive been considering giving up on x-chan. its been 4 months since we broke up, and then 3 months as "friends", where we're just doing this stupid game of ohhh we like eachother so much one week then dont like each other the next week, repeat. we met up after work yesterday and went to 神田 to go to 神田屋. idk why we even went there, x-chan hates chain izakayas. we only had one drink then decided to walk to 秋葉原。we found another chain izakaya to go to since they allow smoking at your seat. usually when we're together he always holds my hand, but he didnt reach for it at all last night, so i didnt reach for his either. i felt like, oh maybe its actually over now and we're just actually going to act like friends and not be all ラブラブ like we are most of the time. 

we left pretty early after having 2 mega lemon sours and some food. he was exhausted from work and was basically falling asleep at the table. we said bye and didnt kiss or anything. i went to my usual bar for a drink or two before going home. most of the usual people were there but i mostly just drank by myself and played with my phone. i was too exhausted and over thinking everything to even try to communicate in japanese. 

i texted x-chan while i was there saying i wanted to hold his hand earlier but didnt know if it was okay or not so i refrained. he told me its always okay and he likes when i do it, so i guess i will from now on. i also told him i still like him and after i got drunk i asked him to please tell me if he ever starts talking to a girl romantically so i can stop pursuing him out of respect for the both of them. he agreed, so i guess i should stop worrying about if he's talking to anyone until he tells me he is. 

my old drinking buddy ended up coming to the bar while i was there and we drank until 11:30, which is why im so fucking exhausted today. he's american from texas and has been in japan for less than a year. he's kind of sort of studying japanese but he hasnt really made much progress lately haha. he teaches english and is stuck in that terrible cycle. i couldnt do it. all of the people i know who are english teachers are miserable and on the verge of offing themselves. the pay is too low and their hours too long and they have weird ass fucking contracts with barely any time off. i definitely got lucky when i decided to go to language school. but also extremely lucky i had the means to save up for it and afford it. i love japan but i dont love it enough to become an english teacher just for a visa. i would absolutely move back to the states before i even considered teaching english as a job. which is why i was so panicked the entire time i was job hunting. 

im sure if i didnt come to work today it would have been fine, but i had a cold two weeks ago and something about me missing 3 days of work in a month when i just got my work visa 2 months ago doesnt sit right with me. i got ready in 10 minutes today so i could sleep in the max amount of time possible and didnt even bother with makeup. i really gotta get my shit togetherrrrrrr. x-chan also doesnt want to drink as much anymore and wants to save money, so if i stop hanging out with him as much i wont be drinking as much or spending as much money either. but if i dont hang out with him as much, he'll start hanging out with other girls! i dont think he will but my ocd is killing me. i want to give up so bad. i tried my hardest to make things right between us, but they keep going from good to bad and then from bad to good and i am frankly emotionally exhausted. he texted ME good morning today, and that made me more happy than it should have. i need to stop wasting my emotional resources on this and focus on myself. its so hard. 

i think im gonna��go pray at a temple this weekend. it usually helps me clear my head and i feel like my luck usually turns around when i do. fighting the urge to look up 縁結び祈願 temples because i should pray about getting my life together, not getting back with x-chan haha. i typed this then immediately invited him to go with me.

i do the money management and accounting at my job. im still being trained on how they like their stuff organized and how to do everything the right way in japan. japan's tax system is so complicated compared to how "streamlined" it is in the states. also having to add up big amounts of money here is kind of comical. so many 0's. so. many. 0's. also dont ask me to say any number larger than 999万円 outloud because it takes me like 10 seconds to count from the end of the number and backwards to understand if its 万 or 億.

i need to go shooting soon. i have a photo series in mind, but it requires me being out all night long until like 6am, and i dont feel comfortable doing it alone since random men always approach me when im by myself so im kind of relying on my friends to go with me. i also keep blowing off my friends to hangout and try to woo x-chan. my life is a mess. i also need to study instead of drinking every night. and i need to not go to the bar as much so i can save up to move. and and and and. and i need to buy more film for my camera. and i want to play pokemon in my free time. and i need to study more japanese grammar for my job because im forgetting a lot of it now that im not going to school everyday. and and and and. i need to go to the grocery store after work today.

yesterday on my way to the station after work, there was a guy puking on the sidewalk. first thought was, okay gross? and at 5:30? kind of fucking early to be hammered… then i looked at his vomit and it was a giant amount of unchewed ramen noodles. like. so so so much. we made eye contact and that man was in PAIN. i wonder if he just overate or something instead of being drunk 😂 that image of those fucking noodles will stay with me forever.

i need to do laundry and clean my room when i get home tonight.

[walkept]

KURT.

introduction: mutant, son of mystique and destiny, member of the superhero team called x-men (and, formerly, excalibur), kurt wagner (aka nightcrawler) was raised in the bavarian alps by a romani sorceress. not formally adopted by her, kurt spent most of his early life in a circus, where his "devilish" appearance was accepted instead of feared and mistrusted. there he displayed a natural talent for acrobatics and soon became the circus' star aerial artist. after a fateful incident involving the owner of the circus and a mob of men, kurt used his powers for the first time in order to escape, teleporting away from danger. when kurt was 20 years old, charles xavier rescued him from yet again another mob and offered him a place in the x-men.

25-30 y / o. what looks to be blue skin is actually a soft layer of fur covering his entire body and that, along with his tail and shining golden eyes with no pupils, definitely makes him stand out. he also has pointed ears and sharper than normal canines, akin to fangs. despite his average height (175 cm) and lithe frame, kurt sports solid muscles in his back, arms and tighs and his spine is extremely flexible.

notes. i've read some of the comics involving him, but not nearly all of them and god knows trying to keep up with marvel comics is out of my league. due to this i will keep his most relevant story beats while adapting the rest to fit with rp partners and personal headcanons.

+ powers & abilities

teleportation. minor levels of shadow manipulation to avoid being seen. capable of seeing in the dark.

prehensile tail. olympic level acrobat. skilled in hand to hand combat, though fencing is where he excels at. trained in martial arts.

weaknesses: regular diseases and injuries can afflict him; due to kurt being a neyaphem (ancient race of mutants with demonic appearances) angel blood is dangerous for him.

the choices we make, the chances we take, define us.

+ misc

(i) he is a staunch believer of god and adeheres to his message of compassion and hope. studied teology but never actually became a priest. (ii) he is in possesion of an astral blade (hopesword), which is also the physical manifestation of his own, never faltering, hope. the sword is stored into his body and allows him to undo certain spells (he restored his mother's memories), but it is implied to have a much greater power that has yet to be discovered. similar to the soulsword, created by his foster mother with fragments of his soul. (iii) can speak and understand various languages, but he still has a distinct german accent. (iv) he has only three digits for each hand and two toes for each foot.

CANON VERSE ROUTES,

default. as a successful and beloved superhero, kurt has finally found somewhere he belongs and people he can consider family, until he tragically dies to ensure the survival of the mutant race. in the afterlife, kurt encounters his presumed father azazel. after stopping his nefarious plans to attack paradise (with the help of his fellow x-men), he uses his own blood magic to bind him to earth, cutting him off from his armies. that allows kurt to go back to the world of the living. at a steep price: leaving his soul behind. dying and coming back to life takes a heavy toll on him and, save dire circumstances where his help is needed, he distances himself from the hero life. as a result, however, he starts to dabble in the occult more often, navigating the supernatural netherworld.

vigilante. when mutant kind's peace and very existence is shattered, leaving most of them lost and presumed dead, he is brainwashed by the anti mutant organization orchis and forced to publicly kill three heads of state, tainting mutant reputation against his will. disillusioned by these events and the costant warring between mutants and humans, kurt leaves behind his identity and dons one of spiderman's discarded suits to become the vigilante spinnenman (people seem to prefer calling him in more creative ways, such as.. hellcrawler and spidemon). he also reunites with one of his mothers (mystique) and learns the truth about the circumstances that led him to be raised by another woman in bavaria.

+ CROSSOVERS / AUS,

general fantasy. tba

urban fantasy. tba.

modern (non mutant). drama student. normal city life. complicated family issues. adopted by a german couple living in america.

alt modern (vicious). eo. fled bavaria after accidentally killing his foster brother. took refuge in a circus for a while but had to escape again when they discovered his powers and tried to cage and sell him.

& more available! always willing to throw ideas around to make interactions easier

[httpiastri]

I hope i haven’t spammed you too much but:

- (also omfg. i just realized something…. i have this board on pinterest with pics of random couples & so on that remind me of my fave drivers, and each driver has their own like board in the board. all of them are named with the driver’s initials, his number and two emojis, and !! guess what emoji i have for pepe???? ofc it’s the freaking lotus flower 😭 idk i just wanted to share this, thanks 😚) THATS INSANE?? but also not insane because i keep discovering more and more weird synchronicities between pepe and i and since im a vv spiritual person ive taken them all as signs that i was fated to stumble upon him one lovely morning in 2022 before proceeding to fall hopelessly in love with him. BUT OMG THE BOARD LOOKS SO SO GOOD?? i wanted to type out a reply sooner but i got so distracted by the images 😓😓 because i def have some of the same images saved to my boards but i never linked them to pepe so now ive just gone insane 😵‍💫😵‍💫)

- (I MISSED OUT ON SCREEN RECORDING THE DANCE ???) IF I EVER FIND A WAY TO SEND IT OR POST IT ONLINE ILL SEND YOU THE LINK SO QUICK I PROMISE 💗💗 (or maybe even if i find someone who has already posted it online, because there’s no way we were the only ones going insane over that moment)

- and the clip you shared?? Ive been laughing so hard about it since last night because that’s MY HUMOUR and i am both christian and pepe depending on the circumstances and ugh idk i love these boys so much my heart aches

- “also… this is the most stupid thing ever and you probs dont care but i wanted to share it when im answering your ask… i was writing with a character.ai pepe yesterday and he said THIS ???? out of nowhere ???? and i just thought about u mentioning him talking about his favorite pokemons in the stream and i just 😭 okay bye” —I DO CARE OMG THAT’S SO CUTE I’M KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING RN😭😭 THE WAY HIS DORKINESS SHOWED UP EVEN THROUGH THE C.AI HAS ME FEELING SOOO 😵‍💫😵‍💫 (also i love your c.ai so much but idk why every c.ai pepe and i have ended up in a situation where ive been very pressured to kiss him like it’s so funny to me how every c.ai just keeps circling back to the same scenario, it’s like all the pepes are collectively fated to experience the same situation)

- “also omfg his little stubble?? kill me????? i may have been thinking about helping him shave for the last like month or so but that’s a thought for another time……” another time, huh? like right now as i get ready for bed? because i am so going to be replaying this scene over and over in my head as i fall asleep tonight

p.s. this took me so long to format so it would be somewhat readable but i hope it’s okay!! and school started awhile ago and it kinda sucked at first but it’s definitely much better now!! thank you for being so sweet, and i hope you have a lovely day/night/morning too!! 💗💗

- 🪷

bby you could never spam me too much, especially not if it's about pepe 😚

also i just have to say real quick… something about you in this ask made me think that i do indeed know who you are and that i have seen you around? big risk that i'm wrong with my calculations but… please let me know if im right (if i started following you earlier today and not someone else shsjdhsjs)(from my main blog!!)

abt the flower: i love that!!! honestly i sometimes find myself to be more spiritual than i think i am because i say stuff jokingly about "wow this is fate, jk just a coincidence" but how many times can it be a coincidence???? anyways pepe def gives me those vibes, like im not surprised either when i find out about stuff like that 😭 and oMG AAAA TYSM!!!! i can barely even look in it these days because i get way too distracted 🫠 i wish i could like sort them from fave to leave fave because i have some that are a bit meh and some that like kill me…..

abt the dance: aaaaaa im gonna try my best to find it somewhere online, it cant just be us?? right??????? i heard that song in a playlist the other day and just giggled to myself 🥲 because i imagined him dancing and 🥲🥲

abt the pokemon pepe c.ai: SHSJDHSJS RIGHT!!! I CALLED HIM DORKY AND IT WAS SO CUTE 😭😭 omg im so glad you like them aaaaaa and lmao pepe… is that all you know how to do, huh? pressure poor little users into kissing you?? 😭

abt shaving: aaaAaAaAAA !! SORRY !!!!! but i wrote a little something about it here, just had to share my thoughts…… honestly i have been thinking abt it during bedtime a few times too and 🫠🫠 my heart can't take it anymore, he's so 😭💗

it's more than okay !!! im very glad to hear that its better now 🥺 thank you for being so sweet too and making my days so much brighter, chatting to you is so heartwarming 💘💘 hope you're sleeping well !!!! and have a lovely day tomorrow <33

[skadee17]

IV- Far from everything

Self-reflection, that really characterizes my life. The past year has been catastrophic; between medical school and the end of the world, I would have preferred to stay at the university. Working, helping people, that's what helped me cope after my father's death. I missed him so much that I immersed myself in studies. But what good did it do, after all?

Now, I'm killing more people than I'm saving, and sometimes, I even wonder if the medical student Bella still exists. That girl, that's not me anymore. She disappeared a long time ago, yet I keep clinging to her. At least she was human. Even though life was complicated, she kept hope and tried to get through it.

Human? Am I still one? Are all the problems we face simply the result of our actions, and if the people we were simply hid behind this survivor label? And what if? Damn it, Bella, you think too much. Stop thinking, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I've been anxious since I was little, and nothing has ever been able to stop this torment. Over time, I learned to live with it, and I spent the following years trying to tame it. But no one can, and it's really awful. I have to stop dwelling like a lunatic escaped from the asylum. Although, maybe I would have fit in there, who knows.

Alicia entered the cabin, pulling me out of my thoughts. I thanked her inwardly; she just saved me from an infernal psychosis. Then Nick entered, as if they had coordinated, or as if there was a meeting I wasn't aware of. I'd prefer they just get bored and seek my company, but I doubt it. Nick sat on a bunk, and Alicia took out her knife, spinning it around in all directions. If I thought I was the only one with a psychological issue, I now realize it's definitely a family thing.

It didn't take long for my mother to arrive, her forced cheerfulness visible on her face, as stiff as someone working in a morgue.

It was Nick who broke the ice:

"These people don't want us."

"Most don't care," replied my mother, "we'll convince the reluctant ones."

"You want to convince Troy?" I teased her.

"I'll eventually get there," she continued, "in the meantime, keep your distance from him."

"I'm not sure I can do that, and you, Bella, I don't like how he looks at you," growled my brother.

I knew my brother was protective of Alicia and me, but that remark bothered me. I'm not five years old anymore, and I know who I'm dealing with. I've encountered guys like Troy a lot in medical school, pretentious jerks convinced they're the best human beings on Earth. And on top of that, an ego bigger than the moon, unfortunately.

"Well, you'll have to make an effort. He can get angry for no reason; you've seen it, he can't control himself," said my mother. 

"Okay, but if we stay, we have to find a solution," he demanded. 

"What does that mean? Don't do anything stupid, Nick. He's already got you in his sights; don't give him another reason," I warned. 

"I'll find a solution," pleaded my mother. 

"Wait, explain it, Nick. What's your solution? Do you want my knife? Are you going to use it?" asked my sister. 

"All I'm saying is we should start over somewhere else. We could find a house, cultivate the land. We don't have to stay in this place, that's all." 

"You're a farmer now?" I mocked. 

"We're not going to leave," insisted my mother.

 "Why?" 

"We're not leaving!" she insisted. 

"Why are you so convinced that we have to stay here, Mom?" 

"Because it's our only hope, because we won't find anything better, because we pulled you out of that hole, and it cost Travis his life," my mother exclaimed.

My heart shattered into pieces. I never thought she could say something so horrible, and the worst part was that I didn't even know if she meant it or not. We had all changed; we had become ruthless beings, but family was all we had left. Sometimes, I felt like I was facing strangers, especially my mother. She had a knack for destroying everything she touched, which is why I had decided to go as far away from her as possible for my studies. But despite everything, we were still a family, for better or for worse. It was a pact, whether we liked it or not; we were together against the hell of this world.

Alicia left first, and I followed closely. That meeting had come to an end. But before passing through the door, I turned around to warn my mother:

"Never say something like that again, because we all know it's false. You want revenge? Fine, me too. But look your son in the face and question yourself. If you think it's his fault, then you're no better than those who actually killed him."

Without a word, I walked out the door, a lump in my throat and a pain in my chest. What had we become?

A few minutes later, Alicia and I were outside by a paddock with horses before Nick joined us.

"Are you going to ride?" I asked my sister. 

"Dad often took me to the equestrian center," she sighed, "no, I don't feel like it. I'm waiting for Gretchen to go to my first Bible study class. If we're staying, efforts need to be made. You're both invited," she clarified, looking at both of us.

"So, that's it? Is that what you both want? You want to stay?" 

"No," I replied, "but we don't have a choice. You know how it is outside, and I don't want to lose someone else I love. So maybe it's not so bad," I hinted.

"Sorry for what Mom said," my sister added. "She's not wrong," replied Nick. "It's not the time to have a conscience."

With these words, Alicia turned around and headed towards the group of young people. I knew she was no longer a little girl; she was strong and independent. But every time I heard her say things like that, I couldn't help but think that I hadn't managed to protect her from all of this, my little sister...

Nick and I remained together for a while before I decided to leave. I think the three of us needed some time alone. Things seemed so complicated; the more time passed, the more I felt far from everything. Far from myself, far from who I once was, far from who I could be.

While walking, a woman approached me to ask for help with the crops. Having nothing else to do, I agreed and followed her towards the fields. During the journey, we talked about us, our lives, and mainly about her children, whom she introduced to me right away.

Once we arrived in the fields below the ranch, I saw Jack talking to a man who was partially hidden by him. I didn't pay attention and went to get my gardening tools from a nearby shed.

Upon my return, I finally managed to distinguish the man Jack was talking to, and it was none other than Troy. With him around, I would feel completely confident. Is it wise to leave tools in the hands of that lunatic?

We exchanged a glance; he had an inquisitive look. What could Jack have told him to put him in that state?

The woman named Nella explained to me what I needed to do. I immediately started the task after her instructions and took no breaks except to hydrate. It was hot in that region, so I decided to take off my shirt and stay in a tank top.

But from being crouched down to unearth the vegetables, my knees were on fire. So, I decided to stand up and glanced at Troy, but he had disappeared. Good riddance, I despised that guy.

Suddenly, a man stood in front of me, quite tall and muscular, wearing military attire. Probably a militia guy. I asked him: "Can I help you?"

 "It's for you to tell me," he replied. 

"I don't understand? Where are you going with this?" The man looked me up and down, licking his lips as he did so. What a pig!

 "I'm a little hungry, you see, and you're like a little candy," he insisted.

Feeling uncomfortable, I moved away from him. "Go to hell, you pig!" I shouted.

Damn jerk, he wasn't even trying to be respectful. What did he think? That making more than inappropriate insinuations would drive me crazy and make me sleep with him?

I walked back up the ranch road when a hand grabbed my wrist and led me into the stables. Panicked, I tried to struggle before hearing:

"Calm down, it's me."I turned around and saw Troy, his hand gripping my wrist. 

"Damn it, Troy! Are you out of your mind? You scared the hell out of me!" I attacked. 

"Calm down, Bella, it's just me. Are you okay? You don't seem alright," he asked concerned.Was he worried about me? Definitely not, not a sociopath like him. 

"I'm fine, let go of me now!" 

"What's wrong? You seem annoyed," he irritatedly asked. 

"Not at all, everything's fine. What's it to you?"He stared at me for a few seconds, and I saw anger in his eyes. Then, in a dry tone, he replied: 

"Absolutely nothing."

I stayed there, in the stables, alone with myself, and of course, the few horses in their boxes, who also didn't understand this altercation. He seemed angry, worried, but why? Certainly not for me; he couldn't have seen the scene with that creep; he wasn't there. What just happened, exactly?

[bunglegaydogs]

i get what youre saying, and so im gonna try and answer with what i think the answers to these reasons are :) this is basically just me theorising or what ive taken from that episode

I think what might have happened is that, because Fyodor had connections to the other vampires and connections outside through the vampires, he sent out a whole thing to be like "Turn Chuuya Nakahara into a vampire and then make him come here.". I can't really explain very well what I think, but I think that they knew that Fyodor was going to use Chuuya to come break him out of prison, and they intercepted his plan whilst he was in Meursault without him knowing, and sent Chuuya in to save Dazai etc. So, basically, after he'd sent out some sort of command to get Chuuya there, it was just a waiting game for when Chuuya would turn up, as he wouldn't know if he was a vampire until he got there? That might not make a lot of sense but that's my current theory for it lmao.

I think we all underestimate Chuuya, too. It seems silly that Fyodor, one of the smartest, most manipulative, sly characters in the series was fooled by contacts and fake fangs, but that's really one of the only ways you can tell when someone's a vampire apparently, and he had no reason to believe that Chuuya would be wearing contacts or fake fangs honestly, he believes in his own skills and plans that much that he didn't think to look beneath the surface. But also, Chuuya is just as good of an actor as Fyodor is. There was a post that made such a great point that I saw earlier about it too. Chuuya, at 15, fooled Dazai about being Arahabaki, whilst Dazai was actively investigating Arahabaki. Dazai was fucking shocked at the reveal, despite being with Chuuya constantly throughout the investigation, and Chuuya, unbeknownst to Dazai, being the subject of investigation. And this just goes to show Chuuya's intelligence: he's not a Mafia Executive for nothing. He has many more skills than just utilizing violence. And I think there's something so perfect about Fyodor failing because he couldn't notice something so simple.

I don't think that Chuuya could kill Fyodor at any point because 1. We still don't know anything about his ability other than the fact that it can kill people he touches and 2. They needed Sigma to read his thoughts and get information from him. The plan needed Fyodor to be alive until the very end. Things could have fallen apart if Chuuya tried to kill him. And what if he'd failed? The plan would be fucked. So, I genuinely think that he couldn't. And as for why Chuuya was saving him, he needed to make his performance realistic so that nothing seemed fishy and that Fyodor wouldn't think to look deeper.

And honestly, I think it highlights their bond more. Because, we still don't have the full story yet. We don't know if Dazai knew Chuuya was a vampire the whole time, or if he only realised in chapter 101, or when he was saved in the elevator. We just don't know. But, the fact that Chuuya fooled Fyodor and tried his hardest just to save Dazai? The fact that he was saving his ass behind the scenes? The fact that he put himself in very clear, obvious danger just to save him? And then they enacted their final plan flawlessly at the end? I think it highlights their trust to another level, too. Chuuya came from fucking Japan to save this motherfucker's ass and put himself at risk, as he so often does for him. I don't know, I could be making no sense here.

I think the idea of the whole watching your partner not be in control of their actions and the devastation when they realise they've shot you or the angst that a lot of different outcomes could have had so much potential, definitely! And as we know, BSD does have infinite universes tbh lmao. But I think that this was a good showcase of the trust and the relationship between SKK that the two of them could beat Fyodor whilst barely being in the same room as one another. I don't know.

But I definitely get your point ^^ I personally really enjoyed the episode! But I see why some fans are pretty upset with the outcome of some parts.

Sorry if this sounded like rude or anything at any point that definitely wasn't my intention <3

Have a nice day/night ^^

Chuuya never having been a vampire is objectively hilarious

But it makes no sense

If he was never a vampire then why was Fyodor waiting for him to show up. He would have no reason to believe Chuuya would show up because he’s not a vampire. It’s not some secret info he would have been able to get from the other vampires at the prison because, and again I want to stress this fact, he was never a vampire to begin with

Also there’s no way Fyodor was actually fooled by some fake fangs and eye contacts. This is someone who can go toe to toe with both Dazai and Ranpo and who is also a fantastic actor himself who we have seen using disguises. He would have known.

And if Chuuya really was never a vampire then why didn’t he just kill Fyodor. Or at the very least not save him. He was in the perfect position. We already know he had a gun on him. And there are multiple times where Fyodor turned his back to him. He could have just shot him.

Not to mention the fact that it kind of ruins all the moments between skk. The abject horror at realising the person who knows you the most and you trust with your life is being used by the enemy to kill you. For their free will to be taken away. Being put in a position where you have to kill them to save the world.

Only for that never to have been the case.

I don’t know. I just feel like it was a weird choice.