#i have been in this chokehold for 20 years | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

joekeeryswife · 10 months ago

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arranged marriage 1 - f.c

hey honeys! i hope you enjoyed my last imagine. writing for Felix legit has me in a chokehold. dickhead!felix (im sorry!) mean reader at the start then she turns sweet, i also suck at endings so please ignore how bad it is and the spelling mistakes lol.

anyways, here’s another angst to fluff imagine, Felix is 22 and reader is 20! enjoy reading 🩰

taglist🩰 (add yourselves here): @hummusxx @lalademie @kikiandbella @anamiad00msday @saltburntt @livvy256 @gee72sstuff please make sure your @ are on otherwise i cannot tag you!!

“mum seriously? Felix? as in the only person i absolutely hate with a passion Felix?” your mum rolled her eyes at your outburst. it wasn’t a shock to her that you were mad, you and Felix had grown up together but for some reason the two of you never got along. your parents had grown up together and had obviously been planning this for some time.

“i’m sorry sweetheart but yes, it will be good for the two of you to finally get along, he is a really sweet boy you know” you huffed “we could get along without getting married? i mean, i’m only 20 years old. i have my whole life ahead of me to get married” you ran a hand through your hair.

“why do i not get a say in this? shouldn’t i be able to say yes or no to this?” you were frustrated, you hated Felix. and no marriage certificate was ever going to change that. “stop being silly y/n. Elspeth is so excited to have you as a daughter in law, she loves you” your mum tried to end it there but you were not giving up.

“dad please tell her she is being irrational, there is no way you have agreed to this as well” you looked over at your dad “i’m sorry honey but i have agreed and so has the Catton family. you have no idea how good this would be for us, you will be bringing two very strong bloodlines together” you wanted to scream.

marrying Felix was the worst possible thing to probably ever happen in your life. Felix was an asshole to you, rude, snobby and ignorant. he thought he was this incredible man but in reality he was just a bastard, and you would be marrying him? you wanted the ground to open up and swallow you.

“i’m sure the two of you will get along just fine, you’re being a little dramatic honey. you’re going to have a beautiful dress, a beautiful ceremony, it’ll be amazing. and Felix is a very a handsome boy and you are a gorgeous girl, your kids will be absolutely perfect” you choked on your saliva

“kids? mum are you joking? i’m begging you, please don’t force me to marry him, my life will be a misery” your mum shook her head. “enough. this is final. you will marry Felix, end of story” your dad said making you and your mum look at him. you did not ever think that you would be in an arranged marriage with Felix Catton.

“now, get ready darling, we are going to saltburn to celebrate” this was going to be hell.

-♡-

“Felix darling, will you come here for a moment please?” Felix heard his mother call out as he walked past the living room. he saw his mum and dad sat on the sofa next to each other with huge smiles on their faces. he walked into the living room and sat on the sofa opposite the two of them “should i be worried?” he said jokingly, running a hand through his disheveled hair.

“no of course not” his mum laughed. “we have some news for you which you may not like the sound of at first, but, i think the idea will grow on you” his dad said, excitement filling his voice.

“we have been speaking to y/n’s parents” Felix rolled his eyes at the mention of your name. “and we have all collectively decided that it’s time for the two of you to finally know that you will be getting married” Elspeth squealed in excitement.

his jaw dropped “isn’t that amazing? oh god it’s so nice for the secret to finally be out” his father seemed just as ecstatic as his mother.

“you are joking right?” his mothers smile faltered “no, it’s not, you two are getting married. oh i am so thrilled Felix, we have been planning this for ages and now that you both know i think it’s really set it in stone.” he shook his head at her.

“no, absolutely not. i’m sorry but there is no way in hell that i am marrying y/n” he shook his head and laughed. “this is bullshit, we fucking hate each other, why the fuck would you two even think that is a good idea?” he felt sick. “Felix, don’t use that type of language please” Elspeth said.

“mum, she’s a bitch. you really think i want to marry her?” James shook his head “she is a lovely girl. it’ll be good for us Felix. and it will be nice for you two to get along” Felix scoffed at his father. “you guys can plan this as much as you want, but i am not marrying that girl. i am 22 years old and i am old enough to make my own decisions, no is no”

“you will be, sorry Felix but it’s already started to be planned. the two of you will be getting married so you best start to try and get along. you guys will be moving into a lovely house after your honeymoon, you two will be fine” Elspeth said, her voice stern.

“now, since you know the news, go get ready. we are having a huge party to celebrate your engagement” he scoffed and walked away from his parents. this was going to be a long night.

-♡-

your mother had already picked out your engagement party dress and to be honest she did a good job of picking it. the dress wasn’t too over the top which you were grateful for. this whole idea of getting married to someone you hated was a lot of getting used too. you didn’t even have a ring yet which you knew would make it feel more real.

when you envisioned yourself your life you didn’t expect to get married for a few more years, and you would be getting married to someone you actually loved. you never thought your parents would force you to get married to anyone, let alone Felix. “are you excited for the party?” your mum said pulling you out of your thoughts.

you gave her a tight lipped smile and nodded “look, i know it’s not what you wanted but we wouldn’t do it if we didn’t think it would work out. you and Felix will love each other in no time. i think when you two spend time together you will start to really like him” she grabbed ahold of your hand.

you were honestly willing to try the marriage thing for the sake of your parents, Felix was nice to everyone but you and you wanted to find out why. “oh, we invited practically everyone we know so be prepared to show fake smiles” she added as you stopped outside of Saltburn. knowing that you had to be lovey dovey with Felix made you anxious, it’s not like it was going to be easy when the two of you despised each other.

“right, let’s get this over with” you said as you exited the car, your mum scoffed “don’t speak like that y/n, you will enjoy yourself” she said as she linked her arm with your fathers. you followed behind the two of them and looked around the front garden of Saltburn, it had been covered in all different types of gold decorations.

Duncan the butler was waiting for you all at the front of the house, even though it was a party his face was still nonchalant. “theyre all waiting for you in the back garden, guests have already began to arrive.” your mother and father thanked him and made their way inside “not even going to break a smile for me, this is a party after all” you joked “enjoy the party y/n” he said making you laugh and brush past him. there was no breaking Duncan.

you made your way to the back garden which was just like the front, covered in gold decorations with guests slowly filling every section dressed in their party attire. you spotted Elspeth, James and Felix with your parents and you knew you would have to go over there. you put on your best brave faces d made your way over there.

Felix looked miserable as he stood next to his mother his eyes fixated on the grass. he hated the thought of you, he hated the thought of the two of you getting married even more. “aww there is the beautiful bride to be” he heard his mother say which made him look up from the ground.

now, even though you and Felix hated each other, there was no way he’d lie and say you weren’t beautiful because you were. you were one of the most beautiful people he had ever met. but that didn’t change the fact that he thought you were the most annoying person he’d ever met.

“gosh you look gorgeous” Elspeth said as you finally stood next to your parents. she pulled you into a hug and kissed your cheek. “now that you are here we can talk to you both. we know that the two of you don’t get along but we are very happy that you are going along with the arrangement. we promise you both that it will be all worth it in the end” James spoke quietly but loud enough for you all to hear. they obviously didn’t want people knowing that it was an arranged marriage.

“we will see about that dad, this is the worst day of my life” Felix said shaking his head. hearing him say that hurt you a little bit and you didn’t know why. you didn’t show the hurt on your face and you were quick with a comeback “likewise, i’d rather drown in bleach then have to marry you but here we are”

“why don’t the two of you go talk to one another about it? it might be good for you two to have an actual conversation instead of arguing all the time. go to the library, there isn’t anybody in there” Elspeth said looking between the two of you. “oh and if you see any guests and they congratulate you, please act like the two of you love each other” she added as the two of you started, asking your way to the library.

the walk to the library was silent until one of the Henry’s and his wife stopped the two of you “there is the happy couple. we have been waiting for the two of you to get together since you were young. you look gorgeous together” Henry’s wife said. your sour expression was quickly forgotten and you tried your best to show you were happy by putting the fake smile on your face.

you felt Felix’s arm go around your waist. “thank you, it didn’t take too much convincing” you said as convincing as possible. “let me see your ring dear, it must be beautiful” your eyes widened, you did not think about that at all. “it’s at the jewellers, i accidentally got the wrong size so we need to get her a temporary ring until her real one comes back” Felix was quick with his answer.

“how did you propose Felix? was it romantic?” you both nodded “very, we were on a couples holiday. we went for dinner and then we went for a walk along the beach and i just got down on one knee when i felt like the time was right” how was he so quick with these answers?

“wow, that is truly romantic. anyways, we don’t want to keep you guys for any longer. congratulations you two” with that the two of them walked toward the garden. “how the fuck did you come up with that so quickly?” you said as you both also continued walking. “dunno, i just made it up” his voice was flat and his arm dropped from your waist.

the two of you reached the library and Felix closed the door behind him. you sat on the sofa and he sat next to you awkwardly “so, how are you feeling about this situation then?” you spoke trying to stop the awkwardness. “how do you think? i’m being forced to marry a girl who i despise” he scratched the back of his neck.

“well, i’m not ecstatic about it either but, we have to do it. we just need to try and be nice to one another and i think it could work out. it’s gonna be awkward but-” he cut you off quickly “do you really think i’m gonna try work this out? with you? you must be out of your mind” he started, you didn’t like where this was going at all.

“you are the most annoying person i’ve ever met, you do realise this marriage is just to make our parents look good? there is no way i will try work this out with you. i will never like you, i will never love you. you’re just going to be a person i’m being forced to live with” you looked at him “you are unlovable. no one will ever fall in love with you, you are that frustrating. your parents probably agreed to this marriage because they know no one else will fall in love with you” his tone was harsh. hearing him say that broke you.

you could feel your eyes filling with tears which you tried to conceal as best you could but it was no use. even though you hated him his words cut deep. “that’s a really fucked up thing to say” you shook your head and got up to walk away, slamming the library door as you walked to the nearest bathroom. you could feel your chin quiver as you sniffled, trying your best to keep your tears at bay.

Felix knew that was a low blow, and he regretted his choice of words as soon as they left his mouth. he was left in the huge library, the deafening silence making him feel even worse for how he spoke to you. the two of you always threw insults at each other but nothing like that, ever.

he could tell that you were trying to make the best out of a shitty situation and he had to ruin it by overstepping the mark. he knew that he was going to have to apologise to you because he did, that time, take it too far. he spotted Theo, another butler stood at the end of the hallway. “did you see where she went?” he asked him as he shoved one of his hands in his pocket.

“she walked into the bathroom down that way sir” Theo pointed in the direction you had gone, he nodded “thanks” he started making his way to the bathroom and once he was outside the door he could hear your quiet sobs. he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t think the person he was about to comfort would be you let alone for something he said.

he knocked on the door gently, he heard your sobs stop. “who is it?” you called out, trying your best to hide the waver in your voice. “can i come in?” he questioned. he was stood outside the door for a couple of minutes before he heard you unlock the door. he walked into the bathroom and saw you sat on the floor next to the door.

he cautiously sat down next to you, not knowing how you were going to react. “look, i’m sorry for what i said. that took it too far and i am truly sorry. i’m just stressed about the situation and i took it out on you and i shouldn’t have done that” you just nodded and looked down at your lap.

he sighed, he knew that both of you would have to figure out a plan. the two of you were getting married which seemed scary to both of you and if you went through with it with out a plan it would just crumble. he spoke “so” you looked up from your lap to look at him “we need a plan” you nodded again. “how do you wanna do this?”

#fanfiction #imagines #felix catton series #felix catton x fem!reader #felix catton imagine #felix catton imagines #felix catton x reader #felix catton #saltburn imagine #saltburn x reader #saltburn #jacob elordi x fem!reader #jacob elordi imagines #jacob elordi imagine #jacob elordi x reader #jacob elordi

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hedgehog-moss · 2 years ago

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On the eve of planned nationwide demonstrations, I want to offer an overview of the ways the protests in France are being handled by the government so far (and if what you’ve heard is that this is over a 2 year increase in retirement age, please do take a minute to read this post to get a better idea of the context)

1. In Paris on March 21, a CRS (cop) threw a tear gas grenade in the air towards protesters (they’re supposed to throw them near the ground); the grenade landed and exploded on a protester’s head. (x)

2. Massive use of tear gas at every protest, on this vid from March 17 you can see the Place de la Concorde (largest public square in Paris) drowned in tear gas. (x)

3. In Paris on March 20, video of a CRS with a baton hitting protesters who are cowering against a wall (x)

4. CRS grabbing demonstrators in (illegal) chokeholds and dragging them by the neck (x)

5. In Strasbourg on March 21, police trapped about a hundred protesters in a narrow alleyway and tear gassed them from both ends of the alley so they couldn’t escape; an asthmatic person lost consciousness; people who lived there opened their doors and let the protesters enter their houses to get to safety. (x)

6. In Paris on March 20, a CRS shot a protester with an LBD riot gun (rubber bullets) and shouted at him “Pick up your balls now, fucker” (x) (an allusion to the several instances in recent years of protesters having testicle injuries from LBD guns - and non-protesters too, in 2015 a Muslim teenage boy lost a testicle after being shot by a cop with rubber bullets when he was shooting firecrackers in a park on July 14th / Bastille day). A few seconds later in the video another CRS tells the one who said that “careful there’s a camera”

7. In Paris on March 21, a group of 4 or 5 CRS who were dispersing demonstrators, threw a homeless man to the ground who had been shouting at them (hard to hear what he said, the first sentence is “How can you do this job?”), kicking him in the head while he was down and mocking him when he couldn’t get up, calling him a ‘fatso’ and ‘sack of shit’ (the woman you can hear at the end of the video is yelling at the CRS to help the guy get up and telling them “do you lack humanity to this point?”) (x)

8. That same day Macron gave a speech on TV in which he said “the crowd [= the protesters] has no legitimacy against the people, who express themselves through their elected representatives” even though he passed his reform without a vote from the elected representatives—and considering polls show the vast majority (>70%) of the country is against the reform, the “people” and the “crowd” are one and the same. Today (March 22) he gave another TV speech in which he compared what’s happening in France right now to the January 6 US capitol attack.

9. During today’s speech Macron also said “minimum-wage workers have never seen such an increase in purchasing power” which is a mad thing to say in the middle of a cost of living crisis, and he used the term ‘smicard’ in this sentence— the minimum wage in France is called the SMIC and smicard is a derogatory word for minimum-wage workers. He decried the “extreme, unregulated violence” of protesters but had nothing to say about the unregulated violence of his police forces, and instead stoked the fire with contemptuous language that angers people the day before a planned mass protest.

10. Hundreds of protesters (and even people who weren’t protesting but just nearby) have been arrested and taken into custody in “preventative arrests”; the vast majority were then released due to “absence of an offence.” Here’s a thread by a woman who was arrested in Paris along with 11 other women (one was a 17 year-old girl) for taking part in a peaceful protest. They spent 20 hours all in one cell, were only allowed to go to the toilet if they left the door open, were frisked and had their fingerprints and DNA samples taken. Also, in Nantes on March 14, four young women age 18-20 reported having been sexually assaulted by police during body searches while participating in a student protest.

And a thread by a 19-year-old Black student who spent 48 hours in custody last week along with 4 other people who were arrested in Paris as they were walking down the street. Lots of racist shit in this thread. He had already spent 14 hours in custody after a protest a couple of days before, and ended up being charged for refusing to have his DNA samples taken.

This article in Le Monde from yesterday (it’s in French and unfortunately paywalled) talks about people who took part in last week’s protests having been handcuffed and searched in their underwear then released free of charges the next day; a lawyer comments how this is clearly meant to discourage people from demonstrating. The article also mentions two 15 year old Austrian boys who were on a class trip to Paris and were rounded up with a group of demonstrators, so the Austrian embassy had to intervene. (Journalist mentions sarcastically “We don’t know if these high schoolers’ DNA samples were taken.”)

11. There are videos from various protests of journalists wearing the press armband being threatened, hit, or shoved to the ground by police. In Montpellier yesterday, a journalist took this photo as a CRS was pointing his rubber bullet gun at his head and another was running at him with his baton telling him “I don’t give a fuck about your press card” —the photographer managed to run away. (x)

This is all from the past ten days (and mostly from the past two days) and far from an exhaustive list, there's so much outrageous stuff happening (like the Minister of the Interior lying and saying participating in an undeclared demonstration is illegal, when it’s not) but it gives a good idea of what French democracy looks like under Macron. The above photo says it all really. And thank you to all the people who continue taking part in the protests and strikes.

#frpol #police violence #not sure what to tag this as #i know it's very far from the usual theme of this blog but people should know what a shitshow this country is rn #all the photos are from the tweets that i've linked

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star2fishmeg · 1 month ago

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can you share some of your Luke recs?

Of course! I may have gone a bit overboard but I just love love love all these fics and their authors so so much. I highly recommend all these writers and their blogs, from the nsfw to the sfw, I couldn't stress how highly I respect and recommend them enough:

≡ᴍᴇɢ's ʟᴜᴋᴇ ʜᴜɢʜᴇs ғɪᴄ ʀᴇᴄs

—SMUT

♥ again by @hhughes (you can find her on @bedsyandco now I think) ➥ I frequently find myself going back to this one, the way Cami has written it is just so addicting and it's so hot.

♥ the mortifying ordeal of being a 20 year old virgin by @theemporium ➥ This series is hard as hell, literally love it. Each chapter is just divine and I love Luke and reader's dynamic, it's so juicy and with every new chapter, I think I literally heel click and do a jig.

♥ escape from la by @eyesthatroll ➥ Another one I go back to often, still think about it to this day actually, I just picture it vividly and it gives me butterflies every time.

♥ locker room by @lucijawriteswords ➥ Words cannot describe how much of a chokehold this one has on me. Angry Luke is so hot and I can't stop thinking about the imagery and I want this so bad.

♥ those sleepless nights - @wineauntie ➥ I present to you; my bedtime story. Sleepy smut is just so yummy, you know? And I just wanted Luke wrapped around me after I read this, I now go back to it when it's some silly hour of the morning.

♥ stress reduction by @goldfades ➥ Bro I cannot begin to explain how many times I've read this one. Short and sweet and so sensual, I want it. You'll literally read it and feel something.

♥ risqué reflections by @sweetestdesire ➥ This is the place for filth and I'm a loyal customer. This fic had me doing deep breaths and GOD it's so yummy. Read it once and then went back because the buzz it gave me.

♥ the green eyed monster by @puck-luck ➥ Jealousy has never looked hotter on a man. I remember reading this one morning before uni and yeah let's say I wasn't thinking about my class that day. Andy went all in with this and Jesus it was hot as fuck.

—FLUFF

♥ he's been a bit of a jerk by @quinnylouhughesx43 ➥ I've never liked the winter more, I need Luke to come find my lonely ass and kiss me too. This was too cute honestly and the second part is just as good. Recommend reading them back-to-back.

♥ too tall by @toasttt11 ➥ Anything to do with height differences has me in shambles and this was so cute. I just love the image of Luke standing in the kitchen at 12am like a deer in headlights.

♥ uh oh by @be4chywritez ➥ The Curtis-Luke rivalry will always make me giggle and even funnier with the sneaking around trope, I adored this and the locker room scene. The whole thing is so cute and lighthearted.

♥ jelly on a plate by @wineauntie ➥ I dislike the process of flying so this was a really comforting read and I love it so much. It's adorable and reassuring at the same time and if you're not a fan of flying, I really recommend having Luke with you in spirit.

♥ my princess by @lvrhughes ➥ No because this one's fun and fresh and adorable. Something about drunken nights will always get me, especially when it's one looking after the other. Filled my heart with warmth.

♥ caught by @ifimdreaming ➥ Love this one a lot, it's funny and cute. It perfectly portrays siblings having an argument and Trevor making an appearance will always be funny. Luke is just too cute and love me protective Luke.

♥ kiss her you fool by @withwritersblock ➥ Tooth rotting fluff, friends to lovers and just pining and that's my cup of tea. Loverboy Luke has you aching for him to be honest and you'll wish you were y/n and so much touching that has you tingling.

♥ "are you awake yet?" blurb by @bedsyandco @hhughes ➥ I wish I had this in my life, honestly. Read this and you wish you did too. It's so sweet it makes me kick my feet and twirl my hair, run laps around my room, go through my Luke Pinterest board. I love the way Cami writes Luke.

#≡starfishmeg #≡nonnies #≡blog information

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catiuskaa · 1 year ago

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Yeah, Flowers Follow.

You have always been committed to your duty at your mom's flower shop since she got hurt carrying bags of dirt over a month ago. It was mostly just you and the flowers, until he barged in one day, slapped 20 bucks on the countertop and with a passive-aggressive tone, asked: "How do I say fuck you in flower?"

because seo changbin + fluff will always have me in a chokehold. And a flower au? fuck yea, bring it on, babe.

inspired by this pin which I'll link here

edit: omg guys you loved this so much I just couldn't resist making a part two, still, this can be read as a stand-alone, although I hope you guy's like this one as much as its 'second part', which I'll link here

Word count: 5k. Binnie isn't mean, ok? He's just emo and tough-looking. And kinda introverted. fluff fluff fluff. swearing. kinda horny towards the end, but no spice added. Lol

You wiped your sweat from your forehead, rolling your sleeves up with a huff as you took back in your hands a big old water can. You watered the lilies and small ivies that remained outside of the flower shop, quickly waddling back inside for more water.

Your mother was usually the one who took care of Lilac, the flower shop. At first, it had been her and your aunties, but it all flew away after your grandma's passing. You had been young, so much that your memories of the time were mostly made of blurry faces that were not present in your life to this day. Your mom had been okay taking care of the small flowery world she built, but an accident with a heavy bag of dirt over a month ago made you complain. She reluctantly let you handle the store until her back got better, which was coming along slowly.

After watering the plants, sweeping the floor, pruning the bonsais, and preparing the several bouquet orders you had for the day, you ran out of things to do, settling to play some jazzy music while you reviewed your class’ notes as you waited for clients.

Your evening was quite calming. Clients came in like droplets, so the shop never felt too crowded. Most of them asked for flowers for their loved ones, some even speaking about their partners, how they had met, or the dates they were excited to have.

It was cute. You had always been fond of the small flower shop and shared the interest with your mom, reason why you didn't care about taking the lead for a while or doing your homework there. You loved the way the flowers brought people together, and the stories and meanings that they had behind them.

Just as you figured out the answer to that one question you had been stuck on, the bell rang, indicating someone's presence inside. Someone that approached you in a rather passive-aggressive manner.

"How can I say 'fuck you' in flower?"

Words that you had never imagined coming out of someone's mouth —which was something, considering the wide range that your imagination could reach sometimes—.

You carefully observed the man's gestures, who didn't stop scanning the place. Years spent helping out at the flower shop had given you a kind of sixth sense, one that allowed you to easily see through people's appearances.

"Do you have anything in mind, or do you not care as long as it is full of loathing?" You inquired with a sweet smile.

Changbin found himself suddenly falling into the harmony of your eyes without realizing it. You quickly left the books on the shelf under the counter, lowered the music and turned to him. Your eyes rested on his, brown and limpid, to which he adopted a belligerent posture in response, an action that —to his surprise— did not unsettle you. He quickly shook his head, focusing on the anger that remained inside of him.

"Make it striking. Something so colourful that can even hurt to look at." You giggled.

"Intense." He held back a smile, his lips twitching. "One second."

He stared at your figure as you went to the small workshop behind the counter. The feeling that Changbin had at first had nothing to do with what he was perceiving at that time. A pleasant floral smell, mixed with mint and lavender essence filled the building. It wasn't only the exquisite aroma that captivated the man, but the beautiful colourful landscape that that small establishment hid. The white wood decoration made any bouquet or flower pot stand out as if it were the icing on a cake. The large windows allowed a large amount of light to enter, and they gave amplitude to the small place.

It was a beautiful place, but strange. Peculiar, for sure, and it was due to the chromatic order of its flowers. Sorted by colour scale, regardless of the species. The red roses were with the poppies, the tulips with the clivias and the orange jasmines. The ferns, aloe vera and fittonias were also together, despite having nothing to do with each other. The coves, cherry blossoms and hydrangeas shared a common space that at first glance, they should not have. It was a beautiful chaos, but it was still a floral hustle and bustle.

"Do you like it?" You asked sweetly when you came back.

"It's not bad." He replied vaguely. "It's..." Ravishing "...small."

From his attitude and the way he studied the place, almost as if he expected some kind of danger to appear among the pots and leaves, some would say he was not to be messed with, but to you, he looked like someone rather shy and quite sceptical, nothing to do with what he might seem as, considering that tattooed bad-guy build and the killer stare that he carried around. A thought occurred that his somewhat murderous look did not allow him to say what he really thought.

Nevertheless, you could agree with him. Not only was it a small store, but it was a disarray of varieties. Nevertheless, to Changbin, above all, feeling watched all the time was something he was used to, yet your stare felt different, making him feel more goosebumps the longer he was under your eager gaze. He couldn't help it, but when you looked at him so kindly, he felt strange.

He wanted you to stop looking at him.

"Orders arrive on Wednesdays," you mentioned, already arranged behind the counter. "Shop opens at nine, so feel free to arrive whenever. I will need more flowers for your bouquet, so until then, I'm afraid I can't have it. Either that or..."

Changbin interrupted you. He couldn't stand to have those deep-coloured eyes immersing in his own.

"Wednesday is fine." He said in a huff.

You smiled, dimples on display. "Okay! Then as long as you stop by on Wednesday, we can arrange the bouquet. I'll be here, spraying water to the chrysanthemums, alliums and hydrangeas."

Changbin felt his chest tighten, his eyes wandering around your features, your dimples, your lips. He stopped himself, took back his cash almost in a hurry, and left almost as quickly as he had arrived.

"See you then, and thanks for shopping in Lilac!"

[☆ ☆ 💐 ☆ ☆]

Wednesday. The delivery truck was parked on the street facing the back of the store to unload the flowers you had ordered for the week.

To your surprise, Mystery —the nickname you had chosen for him, that sounded way better than 'fuck you flower boy'— came back precisely at nine am, and again, surprisingly enough, he wasn't alone.

He looked way more relaxed with his friend, the anger that almost shocked you looking long gone as his features didn't remain tense.

The bell rang as you were preparing the workshop for the arrival of the many flowers.

"Wow, this place is lit." His friend had good taste, judging by what you could hear.

"Thank you!" You mentioned with a cheeky smile, startling both men when you came out of nowhere. "Sorry, the truck’s outside, but I’ll be here in a minute."

You approached the delivery guy, who was opening the truck and setting the ramp so lowering the different flowers wouldn’t be too hard.

“Hey, Jerry!”

A comfortable chat took place between the two, who had met each other several times ever since your mom got hurt.

Inside, another conversation was happening. “Remind me, what are we waiting for, buddy?” Han asked as he wandered about in the colourful building.

Changbin sighed, frustrated at the reminder.

“The boss said something the other day I didn’t like. As a matter of fact, I despised it,” he grunted. “He looked at my desk and saw the bouquet I kept there, the one we got for that other show, you know?” Han hummed, paying attention. Weirdly enough, Seo’s eyes never left the backdoor you had gone through, not even when he continued. “So he mentioned how untidy my desk looked, how disgusting it would look when the flowers died, and hinted that flowers would look way better in his studio. It made me fucking angry. I don’t care if no one likes you that much to give you pretty flowers.” Han cleared his throat, allowing Changbin to return from his hating cloud. “Yeah. Uh. So we’re here to plan his bouquet.”

“Sheesh, I get that. The boss can be such an asshole sometimes.” Jisung mentioned vaguely. “But why nine am?”

Because I needed the excuse to see her. “I want to get this over with. If I’m lucky, he’ll even brag about the flowers.” He smirked, hiding his true intentions.

He suddenly heard some giggles through the door you had crossed. Han arched his brows.

“So you offered to pay for coffee and takeaway tonight for me just so I’d come with you here only to get flowers for the big man? Really?” He said, faking innocence as he settled his elbows on the counter, holding his cheeks in his hands, almost like a toddler.

He gave Han a side-eye. He shrugged. “Give me one more sign, and I might start thinking that…”

Bin covered his mouth. “Don’t. And that also goes to don’t lick it, or I’ll make sure Minho air fries you.”

Jisung lifted his hands, giving up. “I wonder what’s going on back there.” He smirked, teasing.

Changbin didn't want to flutter around you two, but he knew that putting the flowers in the store wasn’t that hard. He clenched his jaw unconsciously.

"If I had known that you were looking for an employee, I would have come running," said the boy, putting his cap back. “If you are looking for more staff, you know where I am.”

"It's very kind of you, but I never looked for anyone in the first place. Mom wouldn’t even dare to accept it,” you laughed. “Also, I wouldn't bother you knowing that you have your own trade. In addition, I get to put my skills to the test, but I can get quite moody sometimes. I bite, you know.”

He arched an eyebrow. "Don't worry about any of that. Working with you would be a thousand times better than distributing flowers throughout the city.”

Maybe it had been how you laughed or the snarky reply he had just heard, but Changbin needed that man to leave. Now.

Your eyes landed on that buff silhouette who entered the inside of the truck. Seo continued to unload the flowers. You tried to finish the conversation, but the guy wouldn’t stop talking while there was a client of yours doing your fucking job. You grew tired of Jerry, and you got up inside the trunk, willing for the man to take a hint and leave already.

Han couldn’t believe his eyes.

"Oh, please don't," Jerry went up too. "I'll take care of moving the plants.”

"Don't worry, it's the last one.” You tiredly smiled at him.

You took the remaining bouquet and got out of the truck behind Seo while the delivery guy wondered when the flowers had been unloaded. You quickly said your goodbyes before you returned to the counter.

"Thank you for lowering the flowers, it was not your job yet you did it anyways,” you smiled shyly as you started preparing the table in front of you with different sorts of labels plus the diferent tools you needed. “Sorry for the wait.”

“You’re fine. Don’t worry.”

Han stared blankly at the man who scolded him singlehandedly every day he was late to the studio just by a minute. He then stared back at you, then at his friend.

No bloody way. Holy shit.

"For your order, I found something the other day I though you might enjoy," your smile widened, your eyes like crescent moons as you handed him a small book.

“Oh.”

It was an old copy of a book that read “The Language of Flowers.”

“Maybe you could search up in the insults chapter if you see any meaning that you think could suit.”

He looked at you and quickly back to the book so he wouldn’t drift away in your eyes like days ago.

“Yeah, fine.”

Changbin was not very talkative, but the bitter tone with which he spoke was unusual. Han could tell, years of knowing the man allowed him to feel a bad mood in the way he communicated. His gaze was more frivolous than usual, and he squeezed his lips as if he didn't want to say anything. Shockingly to him, you noticed and were unable to let it go.

"Is something wrong?" You questioned softly. “Are you upset?”

Changbin hesitated. Han gave him a soft kick where he knew you wouldn’t see it.

“Yes.”

You started slowly writing in the labels before you as he, at the same pace, passed the pages.

"May I know why?"

Changbin cleared his throat. Shit, why was he so nervous?

"That guy was just talking, and that's why I had to do his job,” he grunted.

"I... I'm sorry." You looked down, sounding sincere. “If I hadn't given him a conversation, he would have started unloading the flowers.”

It wasn't true, and Changbin wasn't an idiot. That guy wouldn't have taken his eyes away from you unless he didn't have enough time to finish his shift.

But that didn't matter to him. What mattered was that your voice didn’t sound the same when you talked about this guy. It didn’t sound right.

"What type of flower is a Forget-Me-Not?" Han interrupted, looking at the book, reading past Changbin's shoulder. If he continued like that, Seo may not scold him anymore. For a short time, at least. Maybe a week.

"Oh." You recovered your kind smile, and the knot that had formed on Changbin’s chest untangled as soon as he heard your excited tone as you showed Han the small blue flowers. “They actually import them, from Mexico! Did you know?” You asked no one in particular, the two men in the shop suddenly interested in the topic as you continued to blabber about flowers.

To Changbin, only when you talked about them, your voice seemed less annoying. Even pretty, he could admit —not out loud, obviously—. But he liked it, mentally classifying your sweet tone of voice into “I-would-listen-to-it-to-fall-asleep”.

No one would notice.

[☆ ☆ 💐 ☆ ☆]

“Dude. You are like, I don’t know, totally in love with her?” Han said as he took a sip from his takeaway coffee as he entered the recording studio and sat on the sofa.

In his mind, just because he hadn’t paid for it, it tasted ten times better, even though if it was the same he chose every day.

The accusation almost made Changbin spit his own drink. He stared at it, wondering if there could be something in it that could’ve explained why his face felt so hot all of a sudden.

Fuck, was it that noticeable?

“Yeah man, it is really noticeable.” Han smiled, surprised at his silent victory. “You look at her like Minho Hyung looks at his cats. It’s sickening, really.”

Changbin frowned. “I do not.” Jisung deadpanned.

“Says the man that made me third wheel in a fucking flower shop.”

“What are you guys bickering about?” Chan asked with a small smile as he got inside.

“Changbin is in love with the flower girl two blocks away.” Han teased in a sing-song voice.

“Fuck that.” Chan’s eyes grew big with emotion.

“Shit, he is.”

“Actually, Hyung,” Jisung mentioned as he handed Chan the other coffee he had bought, “I think she might like him back.”

Changbin coughed violently. The others smiled.

“Why the fuck would she?” He frowned again, his eyes not leaving his phone. “I literally met her last week and behaved like a piece of shit.”

Both Chan and Han smiled, knowing that by not refusing the allegation, Changbin was actually interested in Miss Flower Girl.

“Remember the analogy I made with Minho and his cats? Same shit goes for her. I’ve never seen anyone staring so intensely at someone’s eyes.” Han trembled, exaggerating. “Chills. Literal chills.”

Small hope was planted in Changbin’s heart, but he tried to shove it deep inside him. “Either way, after I go and get the flowers from her, whatever this is, is over. There’s no chance,” he shrugged.

Chan and Jisung shared worried looks. Despite what Changbin could show to people, he was a loving, sensible person. They both knew that if he had silently admitted the existence of a crush on this girl, it was because he meant it. And for a guy like him, who was often viewed as mean and rude or even dangerous, he usually chose to approach new people the less, so whatever was going through his mind meant a big deal.

Chan tsked. “Maybe it’s none of my business, bro, but after Hari, I’ve-.”

“Spare me the trip, Hyung,” Changbin interrupted in a low voice. “She’s been stalking me for months since I broke up with her. I really don’t want to hear it.”

Chan patted his back, a sad smile on his features as he looked at his friend.

“S’good, man. No hard feelings.”

After working on some tracks for a while, the topic was thoroughly avoided by the members, until Changbin sighed.

“Okay. You guys can stop your mind games.”

The others gave him a puzzled look.

“Whaddya mean?” The Australian wondered.

Seo let a small smile show as he passed his hands through his face.

“I really want to see her again.”

[☆ ☆ 💐 ☆ ☆]

So thanks to Chris, the bell in the flower shop rang once again. You were humming a popular song, one that Changbin knew, so instead of approaching you, he wandered through the isles filled with flowers, listening to you as you continued the melody.

His heart beat like crazy when after a while, he opened and closed the door again, pretending he hadn’t been there listening to you.

“Oh, hey, Mystery.”

Your smile made his heart skip a beat. The sundress you were wearing, along with the short brown apron, made him swallow dry.

“Flower girl,” he greeted. You lifted your eyebrows.

“That’s a change of attitude. What can I do for you today?”

Do me. “I was wondering if you could deliver the flower bouquet. Is that possible?” He asked politely.

Your dimples showed when you smiled at him, looking for a notebook in the mess that your study guides made.

“College?” He wondered, staring at your eyes daringly as he pointed to your books.

“Music major, final year,” you grinned. “For your delivery, write the address here, and I’ll deliver it myself,” you played with a strand of hair, quickly moving it behind your ear.

Chanbin’s hands tickled. He wanted to do that too.

“I wouldn’t do it usually, but I figured you wouldn’t enjoy seeing Jerry again.”

He scoffed as he scribbled in the notebook. You cackled.

Suddenly, a loud noise from the workshop startled both of you, who were kind of lost in the other’s eyes.

“Girl, are you still here?” Your mother asked loudly.

You facepalmed, mouthing ‘sorry’ to Changbin, to which he quickly gestured that it was fine.

“You ok, mom?” You replied.

“I’m fine! God, you spend your days here. If it were me, I’d be outside kissing boys!”

Your face turned red in the blink of an eye. “Mom?!” Changbin held back his laughter, covering his mouth with his hand.

She never answered, just chuckled teasingly.

Changbin quickly closed the notebook and gave it to you, his cheeks suddenly almost as red as yours.

“See you soon, I guess?” He smiled, still holding back a loud cackle.

“Stop laughing.” You snickered. “But yeah. See ya… eh…”

“Changbin. Seo Changbin.” He left, smilling like an idiot.

You opened the notebook as you raised the music’s volume again, blushing furiously at your discovery.

Along with the address of what you recognised as some well-known company and the name of who the flowers where for, he had left a note below it.

In case you want to go kiss boys.

Was that… his phone number?

[☆ ☆ 💐 ☆ ☆]

After closing the shop for the day, you stared at the flower bouquet as you were walking down the street, headed to where Changbin had written down. After figuring your way out with the maps app on your phone, you decided that taking your bike would be stupid, as it only was two blocks away.

The mix of colours was striking. At least, it had that. You hoped the person who would receive it would like it, meanings aside, considering you put effort into it.

The company was bigger than you expected. Before you could allow yourself to enter and look around, a security guard stopped you.

“Excuse me, miss, no one is allowed inside without a pass,” he explained.

You smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of your neck. “I was just here to deliver this…? I wasn’t told about this restriction, my client just said that I should deliver it in person.” Yeah, that was a lie, but he didn’t know that. “Would it be ok if I went inside? It’ll be only for a minute.”

He sighed, then shrugged. “I don’t think I’m allowed to let you pass…”

“Oi, Hyung!”

A somewhat tall man —at least taller than you— approached you two.

“You’re Flower Girl, right?” He said, sounding excited, failing to hide it. “She’s with me, don’t worry.”

You entered the company with him, but after that, you stopped and turned to him.

“I appreciate the help, but who are you?”

He smiled. “Yikes. Forgot about that. My name is Chris, it’s nice to meet you. I am close friends with Changbin.”

Your eyes softened, and you smiled. “Oh, I see.” You then looked back at the notebook you carried, the one Changbin had written down in. “Do you know where could I find Park Jin Young’s office?”

Chan looked at you weirdly. “Changbin paid for flowers for the big man? Damn.”

You giggled. “It’s not what it looks like. These flowers all have different meanings, and none of those is a good one.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! For example, the orange carnations?” You pointed out one of the flowers. “Those mean ‘I hate you.’”

Chan snorted and laughed at every meaning of every flower you gave him.

“Chan!”

He turned around to face whoever had called him, seeing Changbin approaching him, looking anxious.

“Chan, she’s fucking downstairs.”

Chris’ stare turned darker. Your heart tightened in your chest.

“Stay with her. I’ll go see if I can talk to security.” Chris managed to say before he rushed downstairs.

“Bin, is everything good?”

He noticed your presence, to which he froze for a second. Time started to feel slow. His spine locked up, and his shoulders stiffened. He even felt his shirt stretch in a sudden motion.

“Flower Girl.” You could feel the sudden state of relaxation he arrived, his figure visibly less tense.

You hesitated on what to do but then chose to act by instinct. Hugging him.

He tensed up again, the sudden act taking him by surprise. You tried stepping back, feeling like you had made him awkward, but he then pulled you in a bear hug.

“Thanks, pretty.” He whispered in your ear. “I needed that.”

“S’ok.” You smiled, a fluttering feeling settling in your stomach

He stepped away, shyness all over him. You smiled at him, but something changed as he looked at someone behind you.

Before you could turn around to see what had been the issue, he got way closer than a second ago, a hand travelling to your cheek, directing your face to meet his.

“I’m going to kiss you,” Seo whispered, just before he pressed his lips against yours.

Your confused self couldn’t manage the sudden emotions that ran through your body. You felt his tongue brush your lips, and you had to make an effort not to drop the flower bouquet when you started matching his pace, feeling him smile in between the kiss.

Concentrated on the man that had a hand on your face and an arm around your waist, you were too into it that you didn’t hear a woman gasp at the end of the corridor, leaving in a rush, crying fake tears.

Don’t get Changbin wrong. Seeing the girl that had tried to manipulate and gaslight him out of his music career just so he could spend his time doing stuff for her, things she took for granted, he figured the only way of making her leave should be a harsh one.

And okaaaay, he might have been dying to kiss you for a while now.

After texting Chan that she was gone, you both eventually arrived in front of the office.

He stayed behind as you entered, approaching a somewhat 50-year-old man with clothes as striking as the bouquet you had in your hands.

“Who sends these?” He questioned, his features suddenly looking younger when he smiled.

“Seo Changbin, sir," you bowed. "Have a good day!”

You couldn’t help but snicker when you closed the door. You found the three known men standing in front of you.

“So? Did he like them?” Han inquired.

“Pfft. I made that bouquet. Of course, he loved them.” You bragged jokingly.

The three of them offered to give you a quick tour, as it wasn’t common to have the opportunity to see the JYP building from the inside. Before you realised, it started pouring outside, heavy rain that looked like it wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

You cursed under your breath. If you even dared to walk under that rain, you would end up swimming your way home, your skirt and your blouse ruined.

3RACHA stood behind you, noticing that you were still at the entrance after a bit. Both Jisung and Chan ushered and pushed Seo to where you were.

“Is everything ok?” He asked, in a tone softer than what you expected.

“It’s just… ugh.” You looked at him, then tsked.

He froze when you got even closer, passing your hands above his shoulders. He had to hold back a shiver when your hands brushed his neck.

“Got no one to do this for you, I guess?” you gently fixed his collar, hands lingering on him more than they should have.

He couldn’t hold back a smile, looking at you differently, in a more intense way.

“I’ll take that as a no.” You ended the topic quickly, your eyes wandering from his eyes, then his lips, and back to his eyes again. You swallowed dry. “I can’t go back home with this rain, but my phone died, so I can't call for a cab or an Uber.”

He looked at you up and down. “Are you in a hurry?”

You stared at him, trying to match the intensity from before. “Not really. I just don’t have anything better to do. Why?”

“I’ll give you a ride.”

Neither Chan nor Han could say that Changbin was the messiest of the three, but he still was messy a generous amount. So when he got into the studio and picked up everything in less than five minutes, they gave him a look.

“Use protection, you bitch.” Jisung teased. Bin ruffled his hair.

“Fuck off," he chuckled. "See you tomorrow, guys.”

He guided you to the parking lot, and you both started driving.

Changbin’s grip on the steering wheel tightened when he noticed how your skirt rode up your knees when you sat down.

“Wait, I didn’t give you my address.” You realised, confused as to where was he going.

“I know.”

You looked around when he entered an underground parking lot, then parked and quickly got up to open your door.

He got really close, unbuckling your seat belt.

“You don’t need to be home tonight, right?” His eyes didn’t leave your lips when he asked.

“No.” You answered, almost in a whisper.

He took your hand as you got out of his car. Changbin walked with you to where the elevators were, hands still linked.

“Where are we?”

He pressed the elevator button and looked at you, even more intensely than later at the studio.

“My place.” He kept looking down at your lips. “I’ll take you home tomorrow.”

[☆ ☆ 💐 ☆ ☆]

You woke up the following morning with a warm body next to you, the feeling making you snuggle closer to Changbin, passing his arm and setting it on your waist.

The sound of a notification made you groan in a low voice, reaching for your clothes and grabbing your phone from your jacket’s pocket. It was your mom.

You didn’t arrive last night. Where are you?

You smiled and replied.

I went to kiss a boy, like you said.

You went back to bed, looking fondly at the man next to you.

A buzz from your phone made you wake up from your daydreaming.

Cheeky girl. Flowers follow?

You laughed. As a florist, your mom had made up the expression one day. When saying “flowers follow”, it meant that there would be a positive outcome of whatever you had on your hands.

You knew that to your mom, in this context, 'flowers follow' meant just one thing.

Yeah, flowers follow.

Yeah. You might have fallen in love with him.

Don’t you dare come back home without that boy. I’ll cook something!

“What’s got you all smiley?” A sleepy Changbin made you giggle even more.

He, on the other side, could definitely get used to a morning like that.

You left your phone on the bedside table, and then got close to him again, tangling your legs in between his. He poked your dimples, and you chuckled.

“You, silly flower boy.”

~Kats, who has the urge to put lil’ details in every fic, like how the flower shop is named Lilac, which means ‘first love’ in flower, or how the flower that Han asks about means 'true love'.

(if you ask me, she was humming Come Inside of My Heart, bc I fucking love that song)

502 notes · View notes

lottesreads · 5 months ago

Text

Why Me? - Part 11

Pairing: Bob Floyd x Mitchell! Female Reader (Callsign Mantis)

Warnings: Forbidden relationship, ANGST, violence, nightmares, mentions of PTSD, mentions of child abuse, swearing, mentions of anxiety and panic attacks, therapy (we love), mentions of death/being sick

Word Count: 12k

Summary: You're still reeling after what happened with Bob, but it all comes crashing down to reality when you go to work the next day. As you reminisce on memories you thought were lost, you make a move you know you should have made a long time ago. Things come to a head with Rooster once more, and you find yourself grieving for something you never had.

A/N: Well hellooo beautiful people!! I apologize for being gone so long, writers block had me in a chokehold and... yeah. But I'm back and I hope you enjoy! I'm not making any promises, but hopefully the next part will be out MUCH sooner than this one was.

p.s. I love every single one of you and comments and reblogs keep me going. That is all.

Masterlist

21 years ago

“Bug!”, Carole yells up the stairs, “We gotta meet your dad and Bradley at the school, we’re gonna be late!” It was only your first week of being back with your dad and the Bradshaw’s for the summer, but it was a busy one at that. Bradley was still finishing up his last week of school while yours got out two weeks ago. And while your dad just got home from a 6-month deployment three days ago, Carole and Bradley were more than happy to make the weekend trip up to Ohio to come get you before he came back.

“Bug!”, she yells one more time with no response. Breathing out a sigh, she ascends the stairs and knocks on your door. “Are you almost ready sweetheart? We’re gonna be late for Bradley’s piano recital” Using two hands to open the door, you stand before her in the frilly yellow sundress the two of you bought while shopping the previous day. “Well don’t you look pretty! Are you all ready to go?” She watches as you shift your mouth to the side of your face. Bending to your level, she moves to push some of your hair behind your ear.

“What’s a matter?” You shrug and look into her big blue eyes. She hums in question as she looks you over. Your lip wobbles as you reach to touch the necklace around her neck, admiring it with gentle fingers. They trace over the silver butterfly pendant hanging just below her collar bone. Something was wrong this time around. You were… different from the little girl she said goodbye to last August. More timid, almost frightened to do anything you would deem as wrong. You weren’t even like this when you spent your winter break with them. It might have been the excitement of the impending holiday that kept her from noticing, but something changed since then.

It wasn’t uncommon for you to run into her arms when you first saw her for the summer, but the way you clutched onto her shirt and wouldn’t let go, so hard to the point that she had to carry you to the car, she knew something was wrong. And now, you’ve been so quiet. So unlike what she’s used to when you’re with Bradley, or just in her presence for that matter. When she got you all buckled in and on the road, it took less than 20 minutes for you to be knocked out completely, like you were finally able to let your guard down and sleep.

“I missed you and daddy. And Bradley.” Her heart breaks as she watches you sniffle. As you let go of the necklace, she reaches forward and effortlessly wraps you in a hug.

“Oh bug, we missed you, too. So much.” Her hand rubs circles up and down your back as she comforts you. “But we’ll get this whole summer together, and we’re gonna have so much fun. Right?” She moves back to watch you nod your head and rub a small fist over your cheek. Instinctively her hands move to replace your own, swiping your tears away with her thumbs.

Your eyes move back to the necklace and she follows your gaze. Without a second thought, her hands move behind her neck, unclasping it as she holds it in her fingers for you to look at.

“Did I ever tell you where I got this necklace from?” Shaking your head, you sniffle once more. “You know how I told you about your uncle Goose? Bradley’s daddy?” You nod as you trace your fingers along the chain. “Well, on our first date we went to a movie, then walked around in this big mall, kinda like the one we went to. We passed a jewelry store, and this necklace was in the window. I stopped to look at it and I told him how pretty I thought it was.” She pauses for one second before lightly pushing on your shoulders to turn you around.

“We went on a few more dates after that. And then-”, the necklace falls into your view as her hands come up to clasp it around your neck, “He finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I asked what took him so long, and he told me he was so nervous I would say no. Isn’t that so silly?” You giggle as she turns to have you look at her once more. “I of course said yes, and then that goof, he reached into his back pocket and gave me a little bag. And inside of it was this necklace.” She pokes the spot where the butterfly sits on your chest, hanging a little longer on your small body than on hers. “In that moment I realized two things. First, was that he bought the necklace still thinking I would say no. And knowing him he would have given it to me either way. And second, was that I was pretty darn sure I was gonna marry him.”

“Do you miss him?” your tiny voice asks as she looks up from the necklace back to your innocent eyes.

“Everyday. I used to wear this necklace to remind me of him, or look at my wedding ring that he picked out all by himself. But I realized I can just look over to Bradley and know there’s still a little piece of him with me everywhere I go.” Her eyes fill with unshed tears, not unlike most times when she thinks about her husband, but she smiles through it like she always does. Her hand smooths over your head as she looks at you wearing her necklace.

“Oh he would have absolutely adored you.” She clears her throat once before changing subjects, “Now whenever you look at this necklace I want you to remember that me, Bradley, and your Daddy are always with you, ok? No matter what.”

“I can keep it?”

“Of course!”, she says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world she’s gifting you something that means so much to her. “But you have to promise me one other thing, ok?”

“What?”, you whisper.

“I want you to be brave like your uncle Goose. Because even though he was scared, he asked me anyway. And if he were here, he would tell you it was so worth it. So bug, do you think you can be brave for me?” You silently nod your head at her words, hair falling in your face as you do so. She doesn’t need to push it back for you as you do it yourself this time in order to look at her with your head held high.

“Good”, she whispers with a smile. It falls slightly as she asks you, “Is there anything you wanna tell me?” She holds her breath as you nod.

“Does Bradley practice piano a lot?” She stifles a laugh as her brows furrow.

“All the time, why do you ask?”

“Last time he was playing he wasn’t very good.” Hiding her face, she takes both of your hands in hers, rubbing your fingers.

“Don’t worry sweetheart, he’s gotten a lot better since then. And even if he didn’t, we’d still be front row cheering him on, right?”

“Right”, you say with a big nod.

“Speaking of, we’re gonna be late!” She squeezes your hand as the two of you bound down the stairs and into her car.

“Was uncle Goose good at piano?”

“Oh he was so good at piano.”

“I hope Bradley is, too.” She laughs as she buckles you in the back seat.

“If he’s anything like his daddy he’ll be great. He’ll look like a wild bird doing it, but he’ll be just fine.”

-----------------------

Present Day

Your dad wasn’t lying when he told you he’d be waiting until you got home. Opening the door, you’re presented with the back of his head as he watches an old rerun of M.A.S.H. The door clicks as you lock it, and he turns off the t.v. at the sound. You give him a slight smile as he rounds the couch. Even though you drove the entire ten minutes back to your house with all the windows down and the AC on full blast, you can still feel a flush taking hold of your cheeks.

“How was dinner at Marcello’s?”, he asks as he folds his arms across his chest, yawning. You search your brain for what the hell he’s talking about until you remember what you told him you were doing.

“Oh yeah, it was good. Sorry it took so long, we started catching up and I didn’t realize what time it was”, you attempt to step past him.

“Who were you seeing again?”

“Just a friend from high school, she was in the area on a work trip”, you lie. It was easier this way. If you told him you were going to Bob’s he might ask questions about him, and it could lead to more invasive things you didn’t want to answer. Making something up completely different was easier than lying about Bob at all. Your dad hums at your answer, and you think he can almost see through you.

“Rooster was there on a date. I’m surprised you didn’t run into him.”

“It was packed for a Wednesday night. And since when does he tell you about his dating life?”

“Oh I don’t know. He called to let me know he had a box of my old things and we just got to talking. You might actually know her, he said she was a friend of Phoenix’s girl.” You stop at the bottom of the stairs, and you can almost feel your eye start to twitch as you slowly turn around. “For the life of me I can’t remember her name.”

“Does it happen to be Emily?” He snaps his fingers as he starts readjusting the coffee table and turning lights off.

“That’s it. You know her?”

“Oh”, you scoff, “Yeah I know her. Rooster knows her very well, actually.” He stops what he’s doing and turns to you.

“What does that mean- You know what? I don’t wanna know”, he decides as he walks over to you, placing a kiss at the top of your head. “Goodnight kiddo”, he says with a yawn. He walks down the hall to his own room, while you remain at the bottom of the steps.

“What an asshole”, you mutter under your breath. For a moment, you aren’t thinking about what just happened with Bob, you’re thinking about just how rude both Rooster and Emily were to him only a week ago. And after Rooster’s “apology”, he is now going on a date with the woman who had the audacity to laugh in Bob’s face? Typical.

-----------------------

You hardly sleep at all that night. Worried that you might wake up from another dream. Or not wake up at all and be trapped. These are paranoid thoughts, you know that. But all the same, your body will not allow you to relax for more than an hour. It isn’t until you’re sure you’ve fallen asleep for at least 20 minutes that your alarm startles you awake.

Groaning, you get up and head to your bathroom. You can already hear your dad starting his morning routine from his room below yours, and you focus on the noise to distract yourself from what you have to walk into today. Not only do you try and fail to forget how Bob’s hands felt, or how rushed he was just to kiss you, the worst part is that you don’t want to forget. You don’t want to pretend like nothing happened. You want to walk up to him and give him a kiss, ask him how the rest of his night was, if he wants to go see a movie with you on Saturday. But no. You learned from a very young age that getting what you want wasn’t really written in the stars.

However, pulling your hair back into a tight bun, you remember that you do have something that you want. You had to sacrifice a lot for it, but you got it in the end. The career you’ve always wanted, what you knew you were meant for deep down. Your eyes flicker from your hands as they deftly work to make sure not a hair is out of place, and then back to your face. Your hands stop as you stare at the slope of your nose, the shape and color of your eyes, anything that you think reminds everyone else of her.

You shake your head and get back to the task at hand. Once you’re finished, you eye strictly your hair in the mirror to make sure it’s up to standard, and your eye catches on your phone at the edge of the counter. You begin to chew your lip before unlocking it and searching through your contacts. Under Avila Clinic, your finger hovers.

Contrary to what Penny might have thought, you did have a therapist once upon a time. After your first few nightmares at the Academy, and with the support of Phoenix, you started therapy. Your therapist, Mary, was extremely helpful and understanding. You went to her for years while at school, but then deployments started happening and you got distracted. Life started to finally make sense, and your dreams were few and far between. Eventually they stopped happening altogether, and your naive brain thought that meant they were gone for good. Her practice is on the other coast, but you know it’s going to take a while for a new therapist to get your entire backstory to try and help you. You need someone who already knows, possesses the knowledge on how to help you. Someone you are already comfortable with sharing your feelings with.

A knock comes from your door taking you out of your thoughts.

“You almost ready to go?”, your dad asks from the hall. Your stomach flips at the thought of having to go to work, even if you do love it. Things have been… complicated recently. And even if you did pretend nothing happened already, you have a gut feeling it’s gonna be a lot harder than it was at the beginning of the week.

“Yeah”, you respond, “I’ll be out in a minute.”

-----------------------

Your father is none the wiser as you walk onto base. Your heart is beating so fast you’re worried he might be able to hear the echo against your chest. While he heads to his office to gather what he needs for the day, you set your things in the locker room. You know he’s going to be in there when you walk in the room. Like he always is. Because he’s always so prepared. Groaning, you shut the metal door to your locker and rest your forehead on the cool surface.

“Everything ok Mantis?”, Phoenix’s voice sounds from beside you.

“Oh everything is fine and dandy.” Her locker closes as she moves you by your shoulders, leading you out of the room and to your anxiety-induced nightmare.

“Ok weirdo. You gonna tell me what’s really on your mind?” She doesn’t stop as she marches you through the classroom where Bob is patiently waiting in his seat. Your eyes meet for the briefest moment before the influx of the rest of the group forces you to move toward your seat.

“Maybe later”, you whisper to her as she sits. Your gut twists as you try and fail to not stare at the back of Bob’s head. Just last night your fingers were running through that same hair, and now you have to pretend like you don’t know what his body feels like against your own. Those thoughts are extinguished rather quickly as Rooster sits next to you. Your body goes rigid as you remember what else your dad told you last night. How dare he? After everything he’s already put you through, he’s so blatantly blind when it comes to other people’s feelings. He must feel your energy or the fact that you keep glaring at him through the corner of your eye. So when he looks up and gives you a small smile, you reciprocate. You’ve learned your lesson on confronting people at work, and if you want to fly on this next mission, you’re gonna be on your best behavior.

You are nothing if not professional in the air. You’re paired up with Phoenix and Bob on your first hop of the day, and if you were an outsider you wouldn’t even know there was something else going on. The three of you successfully pull off each paired maneuver your dad assigned with perfect communication. The entire time you were focused on flying, but Bob’s deep voice through the comm system didn’t help. It was extremely difficult to focus on what he was saying, not how he was saying it, but you did it anyway.

When lunch comes around you walk into the mess hall and sigh. There are two options you’re weighing as you stand near the doorway, clutching your lunch bag in hand. Your “regular” seat sits empty next to Bob and Rooster is still sitting by himself in the corner. On one hand you could pretend everything was fine and sit next to Bob, or you could pretend you’re not mad at Rooster and sit next to him. Rolling your eyes they land back on Bob’s table where Phoenix is now sat across from him. Your hands sweat as you hold your lunch, eyeing the way Bob’s hands wipe the crumbs of chip dust off onto a napkin. Taking a breath, you allow yourself to be sad for a second.

Bob is quite literally the most perfect man you have ever met. He’s kind, thoughtful, and funny. Not to mention damn handsome and from your experience the best kisser. Your heart aches at the thought that he deserves to hear all this praise. He told you some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to you, and what did you do in return? When given the chance to tell him how you felt you reached for the logical side of your brain and refused to. In another life, you tell yourself. If you weren’t restricted by these stupid rules, if you had the courage to tell him how you felt. But here you still stand in the company of no one but yourself.

His head turns suddenly and you’re met with his eyes as he gives you the slightest smile. An invitation to take a seat at his side. But you swallow and tear your eyes away. They land on Rooster instead who is already looking at you, then at Bob. It’s too much as you breathe and choose the secret third option. Turning on your heel, you head toward your dad’s office.

Knocking on the cracked door before entering, your dad welcomes you with a surprised smile. His brow furrows slightly as you take a seat across from him at his desk, but he doesn’t say anything as you start to eat with him. Even just asking him how his day is going, you catch the smile on his face as he looks across to you, and then back down to his desk. You can’t see what he’s looking at, but whatever it is keeps him content until his phone rings.

He quickly apologizes like you were in the middle of a very important business meeting before answering with a, “Hey honey”. And you know it’s Penny on the other end. Smiling, he holds up a finger, telling you he’ll be back in a minute as you watch him leave his office. You turn back to his desk and only see the backs of what look to be a few picture frames littering the top. Funny. You don’t think you saw these when you helped him move his stuff in here a couple months ago. That being said, you haven’t been in here very often.

Turning back to the door, your dad’s voice faintly echoes down the hall with a laugh, and knowing you have a few minutes, you take a seat in his chair. Your eyes roam over his desk, his aviators sit in front of a Navy mug.There’s a few small models of previous jets he’s flown, you take note of the F-14 Tomcat, sitting right in front of a picture of him and Goose. Smiling at the frame of your and Bradley’s dads, your eyes trace to the others. A more recent picture of you at your Top Gun graduation, Iceman and your father flanking your sides as you triumphantly hold the trophy sits next to one of 7-year old you with Bradley at his piano recital. He was a lot better than you gave him credit for that day, and now you know all that hard work paid off. He can practically play any song you ask him to, and he makes use of that talent whenever he can at the Hard Deck. Penny even joked she should put a tip jar out for him.

There’s another picture of the two of them someone must have taken on the carrier right after their triumphant return during the Uranium Mission. Everyone is cheering in the background, and you even have a smile on your face. But you don’t remember feeling happy. You were relieved, of course. But it still doesn’t erase the hour of agony thinking they were dead. You move on to the next picture of yourself in a dirtied softball uniform, clinging on to Bradley’s back like a monkey as he walks you to the car after a long summer tournament. Your feet hurt so bad Bradley had offered to give you a piggy-back ride if you shared your popsicle with him. The red juices melted down your arm and onto his shirt, but he didn’t complain once.

The last picture is of Goose, Carole, and a tiny Bradley. You smile fondly as you pick up the frame and watch their smiling faces. Your dad told you once that it was one of the last pictures of them all together. God, Bradley looks so much like his dad. Your finger absentmindedly traces where Carole stands, and stops at the silver chain around her neck. A small butterfly pendant sits between her collarbones and a wave of guilt washes over you.

You weren’t brave like you promised her. At least you thought you weren’t. You held on to that necklace for the few years that you had it, but ultimately when Carole got sick, you couldn’t bear it anymore. She slept a lot toward the end, the medication making her tired. One night, you crept into her bathroom and put the necklace back in her jewelry box hoping she wouldn’t notice, or wouldn’t say anything to you. She never brought it up, so you assumed it was one of the two. But looking at it now you wish you would have kept it. Kept that little piece of her she so generously gave to you. Maybe that little reminder would have made it easier to keep going after her and Bradley left.

Placing the frame back in its place, you chew your lip. You grab your phone and before you can decide not to, you press the call button. It rings a couple times before someone answers in a cheery voice.

“Avila Clinic, how can I help you?”

“Hi, I’d like to make an appointment.”

-----------------------

Bob sits in silence the entire rest of lunch. He thought maybe you two would be civil toward each other. He also thought that last night meant you cared about him, but right now it doesn’t feel that way. The initial sting of you not sitting next to him today is gone. He gets it. But the fact that you didn’t even acknowledge him when he smiled at you? That hurt.

He’s so conflicted as he walks back to the classroom. Maybe you have your own things going on and this isn’t about him. But how could it not be? You two talked last night. You kissed for crying out loud. You asked him to and pulled him against you. God, he literally begged you to kiss him again and now he’s feeling embarrassed. Something he thought you would never make him feel. What hurts most of all is how he misses just being around you. As much as he loved kissing you, he loved being your friend. Listening to you talk, learning about your life. Everything was so easy. You never even had to try to make him like you, it was as simple as breathing.

He decides he can’t take any of this personally. Easier said than done, though.

You don’t look in his direction the rest of the day. He doesn’t have eyes in the back of his head, but if you were looking at him he’s pretty positive he would have felt it. In fact, you’re pretty quiet, too. He’s hardly paying attention as Mav goes over everyone’s flights, but perks up when he mentions your name.

“Alright, Phoenix, Bob, and Mantis.” Your flights are brought up on the screen as well as what maneuvers you were practicing together. “Or as I like to call you guys; The Dream Team.” Phoenix breathes out a laugh to his left as Mav continues to praise you for your team work. Kind of ironic that you work so well as a team together even though he feels like he’s had not only his body, but his head in the clouds all day.

“So you three, give yourselves a pat on the back. Great job.” Phoenix turns to him first to give him a fist bump, then turns over to you. He turns with her and finally catches your eye as your smirk falters. He watches you clench your fist before offering it toward him, and with a forced smile his knuckles tap your own. There was no celebration to be had when all it does is create more awkward tension between the two of you. He used to relish in these little moments the two of you shared, but now knowing that you want absolutely nothing to do with him it only serves as a reminder for what he lost.

-----------------------

You’re quiet again as you head home with your dad. Guilt is eating you alive at the way Bob smiled at you today. It’s not real anymore. Nothing about it is genuine, and why would it be? You continue to create situations in which someone’s heart is going to get broken, and it always ends up being your own. This time there’s another casualty and you can’t stand it being Bob. He deserves so much more than that.

Your father is humming along to the radio while you stare out the window when your phone buzzes. AVILA CLINIC flashes on your screen and you’re quick to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, this is Tiffany from the Avila Clinic, am I speaking to Miss Mitchell?” The same cheery woman from earlier asks.

“Yes, this is she.”

“Hi Miss Mitchell. We spoke earlier about setting up an appointment a couple weeks from now on the fourth of October, but your therapist Mary had a sudden cancellation for tomorrow. I know you said you wanted to get in as soon as possible, does tomorrow at 4:00 pm Pacific Time work for you?”

“Yes”, you’re quick to agree, “Yes, that absolutely works for me.”

“Perfect. We’ll email you a Zoom link thirty minutes before your appointment.”

“Sounds great, thank you so much.” Hanging up the phone, your dad clears his throat, expectantly waiting for an explanation as to who that was.

“I have a zoom meeting at 4:00 tomorrow.” His brow raises as he urges you to continue. “It’s a therapy appointment-”, you try to ignore the way both his brows raise at the admission, “And it’s at the house, so I would really appreciate it if, ya know….”

“I get it, I get it”, he waves you off, “I’ll make myself scarce.” A weight is lifted from your chest as he continues driving. You know how men of his generation view therapy, but he himself has benefited from those services over the course of his life. In your own opinion you think he could benefit from some more, but, you really don’t think he’ll go for it unless he’s doing it for someone else.

“Thanks, dad.”

-----------------------

You didn’t expect it. You thought you were safe. Especially after last night of nothing, you went to bed naively thinking you could have a peaceful night’s sleep. Awaking with a choked gasp, you reach for your throat begging it to open up. Breath after breath gets a little easier, until the tears start and you just can’t stop. The dark does little to ease your racing mind.

It started normally, just a hazy dream of you walking down the street back in Ohio, stopping at a storefront and staring in the window. Your reflection is what set you off. It was you at first, you were able to identify little features that were your own, but then- It turned into her completely. You ran as fast as your feet would let you, but the only destination was your old house. Still, you tried to get as far away from her as possible, you couldn’t see her, but you could feel her not far behind you. Running up the stairs, you booked it to your room and slammed the door shut, holding your body against it so she couldn’t get in. She banged and screamed as hard and as loud as she could until it finally… stopped. It was silent as tears streamed down your face. Giving you a false sense of security, you stepped away from the door.

Holding your breath, you made it three steps away before the door flung itself open. You were already walking backwards when she pushed you into the wall, and head first you hit it. You must have started choking on your own tears in real time, and you imagine the lack of air is what caused you to wake up.

Even as you sit up in bed now, the thought that it was only a dream does nothing to reassure you. The room is too hot, and instead of making the same mistake of running to your bathroom, you tiptoe down the hall so as to not alert your father, and sit on the back porch. The cool September breeze blows over your sweat slicken skin as you breathe in… and out. In… and out. You’re still sobbing as quietly as you can, and you know it was a dream. Just a dream- this time.

You don’t tell your dad exactly what happened, but he knows. He was surprised to see you outside when he got up this morning, but you just told him you couldn’t get back to sleep so you sat out to see the sunrise. It was when he tried resting his hand on your shoulder and you flinched away that he knew you left some details out. Without him having to say a word, he gave you a look and you reassured him you were fine. You knew you weren’t, really. But the only thing keeping you going was the idea of getting up in the air, and the fact that you had therapy later today.

-----------------------

For the first time in a very long time, Bob wasn’t looking forward to going to work this morning. He felt like a kid dreading going to school again. But, he forced himself anyway, and now as he walks the halls, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to face another day where you completely ignore him. This isn’t the best way to deal with… whatever happened between you two, you must know that. Right? In the end no matter what you told him he was still going to be your friend, but you’re giving him the idea that you don’t want that.

He’s surprised to find you already in the classroom, your pen tapping at the sheet of maneuvers in front of you. No one else is there but the two of you, and he takes a minute to breathe in the silence that settles. Your mouth is twisted, you keep switching from chewing one side of your lip to the other. Your brow is furrowed to the point that there’s a sharp knot in your forehead. Whatever you’re looking at can’t possibly be that perplexing. You could fly each of these tasks with your eyes closed, and yet you look deep in thought. He opens his mouth to say something, taking a step forward at the same time, but a hand claps down on his shoulder as he does.

“Morning, Bob, Mantis”, Phoenix greets the two of you. You hum in acknowledgement but your eyes never leave your paper. Bob watches as she taps your knee with her hand. You quite literally jump at the movement, dropping your pen in the process as it rolls under his seat. “Hey, you ok there?”

“Yeah, sorry”, you rush out as your hand trembles. Bob can hear Phoenix ask if you’re sure, while he kneels on the floor to retrieve your pen. When he gets up, he’s still on his knees holding your pen out to you. Your hollow eyes look back at him as the two of you freeze, sharing a moment that feels stuck in time. A shaky hand extends to grab your pen from him, and it takes everything in him not to reach further and squeeze your hand. Letting you know he’s there.

“Thank you”, you practically whisper.

“Any time”, he responds just as softly. The rest of the squad enters the room as you tear your eyes away from his and look back to your papers. He watches as you continue what you were working on when he entered, but instead of your pen, your foot taps the floor.

You walk away too quickly once Maverick assigns you to the first flight of the day, but Bob knows something’s wrong. So he waits until it’s his and Phoenix’s turn, hoping to catch you out on the tarmac as you land, but you’re still in your cockpit as they walk past. He slows, feigning a loose shoelace as he urges Phoenix to keep going.

-----------------------

Your flight had done well to get your mind off of last night, but it’s still with a deep breath that you grip the ladder as you descend. Helmet in hand, you turn to make your way back inside and grab a needed drink of water.

“Mantis?” Bob's gentle voice has you looking up at him.

“Hi- Bob”, you respond, a little taken aback he was waiting for you. He keeps his distance as Fritz and Hangman walk past the two of you.

“Are you- are you doing ok?”

“Yeah”, you clear your throat, “I’m doing ok.” It feels like his sapphire eyes can see right through you as you shift on your feet. You can lie all you want, but you know he can tell. It’s his turn to shift on his feet as he blinks rapidly before realizing what he needs to say.

“I know it might be hard, but you can still talk-”

“Bob!”, Phoenix yells from her ladder, “It’s go time!” Lost in his train of thought, He struggles to find the words as he clenches his helmet in his hand.

“Bob, I’m ok.” He’s hesitant as Phoenix yells his name again, pointing at her watch this time.

“If you say so”, he nods as you stare at your feet. With one last look at your shifting eyes, he jogs over to Phoenix who is beginning to grow even more impatient. You watch him climb into his seat before trudging back to the hangar where Rooster waits at the door.

“Don’t say anything.”

“Wasn’t gonna.” You roll your eyes as he walks behind you. He still doesn’t know that you know about his little date Wednesday night. You continue to bite your tongue as you sit across from him in the ready-room.

-----------------------

After another lunch-date with your dad in his office, you do your best to avoid both Rooster and Bob. And thank goodness all of you are being let out early today, or you wouldn’t be able to sit through another hour of going over everyone else’s flights.

“Alright, that’s everything I have for today. Depending on weather conditions on Monday, we may not have you come in, but I’ll keep you posted. Stay safe this weekend everyone.” Checking your watch, it reads 3:00, only an hour before your session which leaves you a little anxious. But after last night you are more than ready to get the help you need.

You’re out of the class room before everybody else, and soon enough gathering your stuff from your locker. Phoenix stops you before you can get out the door and to your dad’s office to wait for him.

“Hey! Floyd was looking for you.” You try your best to not look surprised at the notion, but you can feel your face contort in confusion.

“Oh, is he-”, you motion to the door of the locker room, asking if he’s waiting for you outside.

“No, he had to go. But”, reaching into her pocket, she grabs something and holds it out for you, “He did tell me to give you this.” And in between her fingers, Phoenix holds a penny. The sight of an object so abundantly common as a coin has you holding your breath. You have seen so many pennies throughout your life, but who this one came from means so much more to you than any other has. Swallowing, you reach out and gingerly take it from her hands, as if it would break if you dropped it. Strangely, you can feel your face heat up at the notion. That’s what he was trying to tell you earlier. He’s still ready and willing to listen if you need to talk.

“Is this some kind of weird inside joke between the two of you or did he really just owe you one cent?” You grip the copper coin as if it were his own hand reaching out to you, and place it in your pocket.

“No”, you laugh, “it’s just something Bob does.” Her brow raises as she stares at you with a weary eye. Obviously not understanding what’s so funny about it.

-----------------------

As if you couldn’t be more anxious for this zoom, your dad was held up by both Cyclone and Warlock when you got to his office. There’s only 20 minutes before your meeting when you get home, so unlike what you had planned you can’t take a shower beforehand. Still needing to change out of your flight suit, you put on a random shirt and jeans that were lying around your cluttered room. You glance at your own watch, 3:55. Before you forget, you run downstairs to find your dad putting his tennis shoes on.

“Hey”, you grab his attention as he looks up from the couch, “I just thought I’d let you know my meeting’s about to start in like five minutes so…”

“Don’t even worry about me”, he reassures you, “I’ll be outside doing yard work the entire time. Might as well do it now before I can’t do it this weekend.” Smiling, he gets up with his sneakers on and gives you a wink before shutting the front door behind him.

Popping your earbuds in, you open your laptop. Your palms are sweating as you click on the link in your email. A blank screen pops up with a small wheel telling you it’s loading, and then you see her. Mary. Your first and only therapist. The first person you ever told your deep dark secrets to. Bob being the second and only other. She speaks your name softly as you smile at the warmness in her tone. It takes you back to when you were only a student, having no idea how to traverse the world without the proper support.

“It’s good to see you”, her honey voice greets you.

“It’s good to see you, too”, you nod. You notice that even through the camera, she’s letting her gray hair take over what was mostly a thick and lucious black when you first met her. There’s a few more crinkles around her eyes that you find when she smiles at you, but it’s still like greeting an old friend.

“So how’s it going, how have you been?”

“Um”, you laugh awkwardly, “Things could be better.”

“Ok, why don’t you go ahead and tell me why you reached out.” Breathing out a shaky breath you start talking. You tell her about the dreams returning, the panic attacks, how you didn’t know where you were when you were gone for hours. She takes diligent notes the entire time, nodding and assuring you she’s listening.

“So let me ask you a question; do you know what triggered these nightmares? Did something happen?” You think back to the night you kissed Bob and before you can even get butterflies, the image of your mother in your dream pops the bubble. Taking a leap of faith and a deep breath all in the same beat, you turn back to the camera.

“This is all in confidence, right?” She sighs your name before answering.

“You know it is. Unless what you did put other people or yourself in harm’s way then we are fine to discuss it without me telling anyone.” Taking out one earbud, you can still hear your dad with the lawnmower, so you continue.

“I kissed someone. Twice. It was after the first time that I had a nightmare.”

“I’m not seeing the problem here.”

“He’s on my squadron. And there is a pretty strict no fraternization rule.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah. So I broke a rule, made him break a rule. And I guess I just feel so guilty about it. And I did something wrong, which is why I had the dream.”

“And you had the second dream after the second kiss?”

“Not the night of. I didn’t get a lot of sleep because I was scared of it happening again. But last night was the second one. It was…terrifying. I didn’t think they were gonna come back. And I just blew up on everyone the first time around. My dad, Bradley-”

“Wait, Bradley as in, the Bradley that you grew up with?”

“That’s the one.”

“And you just see him regularly now? I mean I was looking through all your old notes and you were still pretty upset with him. Does time really heal all wounds?” You chuckle at her sarcasm.

“No, not really. It was awkward at first. But I hardly talked to him while we were working on the special detachment. After it was over, it looked like he made up with my dad, and we were made a permanent squadron. That’s when it started going downhill. Long story short, we were just kind of bickering, not really talking about the elephant in the room. He ended up saying something, I had a panic attack, then I punched him, then he started-”

“Wait, wait, wait- You punched him? I am going to need the long version of the story here. We don’t do short stories in therapy.” So you explain. Everything. How your little comments started to quickly cut deeper, how he told you to be careful before your drinking contest, and all the little warnings after the fact. And then the devastating moment where he betrayed your trust completely, leading to Bob comforting you at one of your lowest moments. And then of course, when you punched him, and how he’s been trying to get on your good side ever since, how he claims he thought you were calling to brag. As if he didn’t know what your mother was like.

“Wow. That’s a lot.” You nod in agreement. “How has it been with him since?”

“It’s so weird. He’s tried to do a complete 180, and claims he’s watching out for me. He was actually at the party, the one where I kissed- um…”

“You don’t have to say his name, it’s ok.”

“My teammate”, you find the courage to finish.

“This is a lot to process in such a short amount of time. How have you been handling it?” You scoff at just how many times you’ve had panic attacks and cried within the last month.

“Not well. Which is why I thought I should reach out.”

“I’m glad you did. I wish that therapy was a one and done kind of situation, but it’s going to take some time. Are you ready for that kind of commitment again? I know it got busy last time, and with deployments it was hard. But are you ready to put in the work?” You sigh and silently nod your head, biting your lip to avoid speaking with a frog in your throat.

“Well I hate to say this, but I think your dreams may be happening for a different reason than they did way back when they first started.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you came to me such a short time after the abuse stopped.” You try not to flinch at the word, but instinctively shut your eyes when she says it. “ When you stopped seeing her you were scared she was going to come back and find you. Now, I think your brain is reliving some memories to punish yourself. Because you feel guilty. And the fact that you see parts of her in you is making you resent yourself even more. Making you push people away before they can do the same to you.” Huh, you think.

“Does that resonate with you at all?” You laugh because it’s the only thing you can do at the moment. She hit the damn nail on the head.

“Yeah. Yeah it does.”

“Next time if you have a dream, here’s what I want you to do: I want you to find at least five things about yourself that are completely different from your mom. It can be little things in the way you look, the way you act, or anything. Because you are different. You aren’t her.” Your eyes sting at the influx of tears, and you lean your head back to stop them from falling.

“Ok, I know this was a pretty heavy session, so I want to end it on a higher note. I would like you to tell me at least three people in your life right now that make you feel loved, special, or wanted.” You shake your head, physically trying to put your mentality in a different spot than where it was at with your mother. Reaching for a tissue, you dab the straggling tears that threaten to fall.

“Um- ok. My dad, my friend Natasha”, you list out, still thinking about a third person. You can’t help that the third person your mind is pushing you to say is also the one person you’ve been trying to avoid thinking about. But it’s true. He makes you feel special and so wanted it’s kind of overwhelming, “And my friend Bob.”

-----------------------

With a deep breath you close your laptop and take out your ear buds. Your room feels stuffy all of a sudden, like all your thoughts and feelings are trapped into the sealed box. You stride across the room to open your window, and you hear your dad talking to someone. Then the snap of what you only know as a baseball hitting a glove echoes across the house. Unfortunately for your snoopy personality right now, your window faces the side of the neighbors, so you descend the stairs and look through the window in the living room.

The weather is surprisingly warm and sunny for a day before a storm. Perfect weather for spending outside you suppose. Your dad stands at one end of the yard, throwing the ball as you follow the line to the glove worn by, of course, Rooster. All of these old feelings came to life when you had to talk about him and everything else that has been happening for the past hour. When thinking about everyone who makes you feel loved, special, and wanted, Rooster did not make the cut. In fact, he has made you feel unwanted, unloved, and unimportant for the past 10 years. He threw you away like you were nothing, and even if he did apologize, it doesn’t take away the hurt that he left you with. But here he is. Throwing a baseball around with your dad like he didn’t avoid him for the last 16 years.

You huff out a breath before opening the front door, and plastering on a fake smile. If you were going to talk to him now was as good a time as any. You kind of feel bad for him, he had no idea he was walking into when he came over today.

“Hey dad”, you squint through the fading sun as the two men look your way.

“Oh hey kiddo! How was your… meeting?”

“It was good, very”, you turn and squint slightly more at Rooster who tosses the ball up and back into his hand, “enlightening.”

“That’s good. Rooster here just popped over with a box of some old things, and we found our baseball gloves.”

“I can see that. Mind if I have a go?” He tries not to look as surprised as he feels by your request, but starts taking off his glove as you walk over to him.

“Sure.” You take the warm leather glove, slipping it onto your hand as you adjust to the feeling. Slapping the worn palm, you flap it a couple times in Rooster’s direction as he tosses it at you. Not throws. Tosses. Catching it in your bare hand, you raise your brow at him.

“Really?”

“What?”

“You act like we weren’t taught to throw a ball by the same person”, you note as you hook your thumb to your dad standing just to the side. “Throw it like you mean it.” Rolling the ball a couple times in your hand, you grip it and throw the fading white ball straight at Bradley’s chest. He manages to catch it with little time to spare, obviously underestimating just how hard you can throw. He glances over to your dad with wide eyes as he shrugs back with a smile. A hint of pride in his features. Rooster looks back at you while you open and close your glove a couple times.

“You sure you can handle it?” You roll your eyes at his assumption. Either he thinks too highly of his throwing ability, or way too low of your ability to catch a damn ball.

“Yes. I’ve handled a lot worse that you’ve thrown my way, so-”, you flap the glove once more, “try me.”

Rooster winces at the insinuation. But he gives up holding back, not all the way quite yet, but he throws it back with some of the power he was using with your dad. You continue throwing and catching the ball as your dad watches on with a warm smile.

“Alright”, he comments, “Looks like you two are doing fine, so I’m gonna go finish mowing the lawn.” He heads through the gate to the backyard as Rooster gets finished catching your last throw to him. Rooster takes the ball into his hand to throw back, but hesitates before putting it back in his glove.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know”, he responds as if pondering the question himself, “You’ve just got this look in your eye.” He winds up, and you catch the ball as he throws it at your chest. Mirroring his earlier action, you roll the ball around in your palm as you contemplate your next move.

“I’ve always got that look in my eye. If I don’t have it, that means something’s wrong.” You throw it back the tiniest bit harder, but Rooster does well to mask his surprise at the force. He’s still got that hint of suspicion on his face, but otherwise ignores it and is about to throw the ball back before you speak up.

“Oh, there is one thing”, you laugh without any real humor, “How was your date with Emily?” The ball slips from his hand as he attempts to throw it at you, causing it to fly up in the air before landing and rolling to your feet. His mouth opens and closes before he finally decides to say something as you raise an eyebrow at him.

“It was- it was- Where’d you hear about that?” Stepping forward, you pick up the ball.

“For an old man who means well, my dad can’t keep a secret to save his life.”

“I-”, he stands with his hands on his hips, confusion written on his face. There is no way you were supposed to know about this, and now he’s been caught. It feels good for a fraction of a second. “It wasn’t a secret.” He says as he kicks the grass. He reminds you of that little boy you once knew, getting in trouble and trying to hide his guilt. But before you stands the grown man who still can’t handle the consequences of his own actions.

“I just can’t believe you Rooster.” You throw the ball back to him as he looks up. Hard. It pushes the glove back into his chest and his lips twist into a grimace.

“For what? Going on a date?”, his voice raises the slightest bit as he throws it back to you. Just as hard. The only difference being you were ready for it.

“Not for that you idiot. For going on a date with her!”.

“What’s wrong with her?” Without meaning to, your jaw drops as you look around the street of your neighborhood. Your dad’s lawnmower is still going in the backyard as you turn to him.

“Are you kidding me? Rooster, it was your idea to set her up with Bob, and after she laughed in his face you decided to stick your tongue down her throat in the middle of the party and then what? Ask her out?”

“Ok, she kissed me. And it obviously wasn’t going to work out between the two of them! Why are you so upset about this?”

“Because even if she supposedly didn’t know she was being set up with Bob, you did! I mean, what the hell kind of wingman are you? But you know what?”, you decide as you throw the ball back to him, closer to his face this time, “You two assholes deserve each other.” The ball lands in his glove as he’s quick to catch it just below his chin.

“Whoa. Hold on. You’re kind of being an asshole right now.”

“Are not”, you huff.

“Are too”, he mimics.

“How am I the one being an asshole for trying to defend my friends?”

“Uh-un. Friend. Singular. And you’re being a little too defensive for someone you claim is just your friend.” You swallow, glancing to the gate leading to the backyard, the hum from the lawnmower still going. There’s not a chance he could have heard what he said, but you’re still paranoid nonetheless. Rooster’s winding up as you look back at him, giving you barely enough time to catch the ball right in front of your face. You’d be lying if you said your hand didn’t sting from the force of his throw.

“Keep your voice down”, you grit in his direction. He just shakes his head.

“So I’m right then”, he scoffs. “You just don’t learn, do you?” You snap back to him as his lip lifts. As if he knows something more than you. He couldn’t be more condescending if he tried.

“Learn what?”, you snap, “Don’t act like you’re not doing this for any other reason than to rid yourself of whatever guilt you have left.” You grunt, throwing the ball as hard as you can as he catches it with ease. Almost as if you’re playing catcher, he plays his part as pitcher beautifully, winding up even more than before, throwing the ball back to you almost immediately. The ball snaps in the glove you hold up in front of your face.

“That guilt will live with me for the rest of my life.” The draw of his brows beneath the beating sun tells you he’s angry. Maybe not with you, but it’s still anger either way, and it has to be let out somehow. “So if I can stop you from making a mistake, keep you from breaking your heart even more than I have, I will do whatever it takes.” Oh you’re angry now. You throw the ball with everything you have back at him. You are not some dumb kid like he was when he left. You’ve been through enough to have grown up younger than you should have.

“If you really cared about how I felt- or how anybody other than yourself felt that for that matter, you wouldn’t set someone up with a woman who is so obviously wrong for him. And then”, you laugh, “after she’s embarrassed him you wouldn’t kiss her in front of him and go on a damn date with her!” He only shakes his head at the ground before gripping the baseball in his right hand, rolling it around.

“I set him up to try and stop you from making a mistake. I was doing it to protect you!” The sound of a dog barking has you whipping your head to the street to your left. It sounds almost identical to Sylvia but you can’t seem to find the source of the noise. Your heart beats a little faster at the thought of him taking her for a walk nearby. That would be such god-awful timing. The thought of him possibly walking Sylvia down your street has you too rattled, and you’re slightly disappointed with yourself.

The searing pain hits you before the ball even falls to the ground, as you do with it.

“Jesus Christ!”, you scream as you fall to your back, cradling the side of your face the baseball hit.

“Oh shit! Oh my god- are you ok?”, Rooster appears on his knees right next to you, brown eyes wide as you’ve ever seen them as he grimaces along with you. The glove is just big enough for you to be able to throw it off of your hand, hitting him in the chest as you writhe on the freshly cut grass. You can’t help it as the hot tears slide out of your eyes, the pain too much.

“Hey, hey you’re fine! Don’t cry, please don’t cry!”, he pleads as you try to open your eyes long enough to glare at him.

“You hit me in the face with a fucking baseball of course I’m going to fucking cry!”, you scream. “You IDIOT!”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I thought you were looking!” You glare at him through your uncovered eye as his hands hover over you. “Ok, are you bleeding? Lemme see.” You glare as hard as you can at him as he backs away. The pulse emanating from the side of your face is stopping you from feeling anything else, but you’re pretty sure that liquid sliding down your face are just stray tears that refuse to stay put.

“Ok, that’s fine. Um-”, he panics as you beg yourself to stop crying in front of him. “Alright, I’m gonna go get some ice, stay right here.” And before you have the mind to make a smart comment about going anywhere, your hands reach out and wrap around his ankle. The unexpected movement causes his weight to shift forward, giving him no time to brace himself as he falls to the ground. It doesn’t relieve any pain, but it feels good to watch him face plant onto the grass. There was still so much to say, too much you feel as though you can’t even get out your feelings through your words.

“Hey, what the hell?!”, he turns over as you grab your discarded glove.

“You were protecting me?!”. He does his best to dodge your blows, but it’s no use as he puts his hands up to protect himself and his stupid face. With the glove in both your hands, you whack at his torso. “I have been taking care of myself since I was 12!”, you grunt as you continue to hit him. “I am a grown woman! I don’t need to be lectured by anybody, especially not you!”

“I’m sorry, just stop!”, it’s obviously more of a nuisance than actually hurting him, but you are in so much pain right now you just want to get him back anyway you can. He attempts to crawl away on his back, but you stop him by sitting on his stomach, causing him to grunt at the unexpected weight.

“HEY!”, you pause at the sound of your dad’s voice, arms lifted in the air mid-blow. Rooster is still covering his face with his arms as he turns to look at your dad. “What is going on?!” Your arms are still in the air as the two of you look at each other before attempting to speak over one another.

“He started it!” “It was an accident!”, you yell at the same time. The sound of his voice has you looking down at the audacity of the man you are currently pinning to the grass.

“Why would you throw a ball at someone who isn’t looking?!”

“I thought you were!”, he’s quick to defend himself. You catch his gaze soften as his eyes shift to the right side of your face where he hit you with the ball.

“Inside, now!”, he orders as you and Rooster scramble to your feet. He walks ahead of you as your dad trails behind you. “Good afternoon Mrs. Callahan!” You turn to find your neighbor walking her goldendoodle just across the street, eyeing the state of all three of you that your dad doesn’t try to hide. One of the biggest differences between your parents. Your mother would have walked you delicately into the house pretending everything was under control and just fine. Until she closed the door. Your dad on the other hand, he knows things aren’t under his control and he doesn’t try to hide it. He’s not trying to keep up some image. It’s easy when you don’t care what other people think.

The dog barks once more before your dad ushers you inside.

He urges the two of you to sit on the couch as he runs to grab the first-aid kid, and you take one side begrudgingly as Rooster takes the other. Your face is starting to throb, but once you look down at your jeans you notice the grass and dirt stains on not only your knees, but your hands as well. You’re sure the back of them look the same, as do Rooster’s clothes.

Your dad sits on the coffee table before you, leaning forward as his hand gently moves your face so he can examine it. He tuts as you’re forced to look over at Rooster, who as you expected, is covered in grass stains as he twiddles with his thumbs. You can’t help but wonder why he’s still listening to your dad, it’s not like when you were younger and he was left in charge of the two of you. He can leave if he wants to.

“Well”, your dad starts as he reaches for the gauze, “It’s not bleeding too bad…” Huh, so you guess some of that liquid was blood. “Probably from the stitching”, he talks to himself as you wince from the pressure he’s applying.

“It’s gonna leave a nice bruise, though”, Wordlessly you push his hand away and apply the pressure yourself as he eyes you once before looking at the man on the other end of the couch.

“You ok Rooster?”

“‘M fine”, he mumbles back.

“Good”, he says as he rounds the coffee table. “Cause what the hell is going on? Huh? I left for two minutes!” He takes one hand off of his hips to point at the two of you, ready to go into a rant before his phone rings from where he left it in the kitchen. Glancing between the pair of you and back to the kitchen he slides a dirty hand down his face.

“Wait right here”, he demands pointing at the two of you before locating the source of the ringing. The only thing you can hear is the muffled sound of your dad talking on the phone, and the slight shift of Rooster on the other end of the couch.

“I’m really sorry-”

“Just-”, you cut Rooster off, “shut up.” He’s quiet for a second. Just a second. Before he decides he’s not going to listen to you.

“I got a concussion from getting hit in the head with a ball”, he comments as you roll your eyes. As if you could have forgotten. “Mom took me to the ER just in case, and as per usual, she was right.”

“I know, Rooster”, you interrupt him. “I was there. It was the summer you were on that comp baseball team.”

“I know you were. I just wanna remind you in case you feel like brushing this one off.”

“I’m not-”, you scoff, “What makes you think I’m gonna ‘brush this one off’?” He shrugs and scratches the back of his neck.

“I just remember you always saying when you got hurt that it wasn’t a big deal. Concussions are kind of a big deal.”

“I know- I’ve had one.” His brow furrows as he turns to face you, concern written into the creases in his forehead.

“Wait- when did you have one?” Your face turns hot as you realize you’ve revealed more than you would have liked to.

“I don’t know”, you shrug as you try to avoid his gaze, ”I was like 14.”

“Well what happened?” Taking away the gauze from your face, there’s a small line of blood, but nothing else. You trade it out for the icepack on the table and gently press it to where you’re hurting.

“I fell into a wall”, you tell him as you focus on the sting it brings to your cheek.

“You just fell into a wall?”

“Yeah- I tripped over something in my room.” It’s quiet for a moment as he mulls over what he’s about to say.

“Did you fall or were you pushed?” The color drains from your face as you clench your jaw. How dare he? You turn to face him, dropping both hands into your lap so he has to look at your entire face. Look at what he did.

“No. You don’t get to do this. You don’t just get to pick and choose when you’re loyal or protective. You left, Rooster. You knew what was going on and you still decided to leave. So whatever happened after I didn’t see you for 16 years, you don’t deserve to know.” He’s quiet as his eyes soften at you.

“And as for Bob-”, you clear your throat, “He’s my friend. And I will defend any of my friends. That included you at one point. I did in fact. I defended you when Hangman made his stupid comments, but now you’re the one who keeps running his mouth, and- and hanging around people who think it’s fine to be so blatantly rude. So you know what, Emily might just be perfect for you.” His mouth opens and closes before he thinks better than to say anything.

“As far as I’m concerned, you don’t owe me anything and I don’t want anything from you. So stop thinking you’re protecting me when all you do is keep reminding me of everything I have lost and can’t have.” He’s actually quiet now, you think you have stunned him into a complete silence. This may just be the time for him to listen, so you’re gonna say what you’ve been wanting to say for a long time.

“When your mom died- I wasn’t just grieving for her. I-“, your throat starts to close up but you push through it anyway, “you left. You left and I never heard from you again and I had to grieve for someone who wasn’t even dead. He chose to leave and never come back. And I know that you were hurting, but so was I.” He clears his throat as you listen to your dad finishing up his conversation. The ice pack crinkles as you press it against your face once more. It really does fucking hurt. “So please, just once, think of how your actions affect anybody else but yourself.”

He doesn’t bother saying anything else. What else is there to say? A sorry won’t even make a difference anymore. He’s said it too many times for the words to have meaning when they leave his lips. You watch his adam's apple bob before deciding you don’t want to look at him even more. The only thing you can hear is the faint sound of your dad from the kitchen, tying up the end of his phone call. Then you’re almost sure you can hear Bradley sniffle before he abruptly stands, staring at his hands.

“I’m gonna go. There are a couple things for you in that box”, he motions to the cardboard rectangle sitting on the coffee table. He clears his throat and scratches the back of his neck. “If you keep getting headaches that won’t go away- just please go get checked out. I uh-”, this is the first time in a long time you’ve seen him so nervous he can’t find his words. One of the last times was speaking at Carole’s funeral, and your eyes can’t help but tear up at the parallel. “Mantis- I don’t want to hurt you. But I know I already did, so I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry”, he whispers his apology before heading to the front door. Your dad is walking in just as he leaves.

“Where’s Rooster?”

“He had to go”, you say with a clogged throat. He stands with his hands on his hips, perplexed at the entire situation.

“Well- do I need to talk to him?”

“No”, the words fall from your lips, “It’s fine.” He catches the far-off look in your eyes as you stare at the cardboard box on the table.

“Hey”, he almost whispers to get your attention. You look up with unshed tears in your eyes. “Are you ok?” It hurts to swallow as you try your best not to break the barrier of crying.

“It just hurts”, you explain, not entirely sure what part you’re talking about. He opens his mouth to say something else, but you stand before you let him talk. “I’m gonna go lie down. I’ve had a long day.” With a skeptical eye he lets you go, but not before sending you with the ice pack and letting you know he’d be up to check on you.

Once your back is turned and you’ve made it up the last steps, the first of many tears fall without much trying. You turn the shower on instead of lying in bed, deciding to do something somewhat productive. And once out you try your best not to look in the mirror, but catch sight of your cheek. It’s already swollen, an undertone of purple creeping out from the tiny cut from the stitching of the ball.

After getting into bed you stare at the ceiling, letting the day sink in. You lie there for a moment, trying to quiet your thoughts in order to let you sleep, but they’re too loud. Turning over, you stare at your bedside table. A framed picture you keep of you and Carole sits next to your phone. You can almost hear her laugh through the glossy finish of the photo, but you see Bradley in her smile through and through. A tear slides across your face and lands on your pillow, darkening the fabric. And you let it happen. You let the next one happen, too. And then you don’t stop yourself from crying.

Letting the rest out, you fold your knees to your chest and allow yourself to cry. You cry for Carole, for how much you miss her and how much life she missed out on. And you cry for Bradley. Even if he did hurt you, you cry because you miss him, too. And you cry because you wish you were brave. You wish you had the courage to say something to someone when you were younger. And even now, you cry because you wish you had the strength to look Bob in the eye and say- anything. Get past your own fears of rejection and punishment, and let him know that you see him for what he is. A good person, who deserves everything and more. And you know someday he’ll find someone who is more than eager to give that to him. Even if you already are, it can't be you.

Taglist:

@lemmons1998

@itsmytimetoodream

@theamuz

@harrysgothicbitch

@mygyn

@luckyladycreator2

@marve2014

@wretchedmo

@callsignwidow

@finnydraws

@melsunshine

@jostan456

@okiegirl24

@beebeechaos

@eclecticfashionbookszipper

@hunbomb

@nerdgirljen

@knight-of-the-doctor

#why me?#top gun maverick #bob floyd fanfiction #bob floyd fic #top gun fanfiction #bob floyd x reader #mavdad #robert bob floyd x female reader

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yuri-for-businesswomen · 9 months ago

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why does liberal feminism have such a chokehold on germany? its fucking weird because germany overall is conservative and also shaped by christian beliefs, and unlike the usa for example we have a less liberal government, more regulations, a social market economy. yet radical (real) feminism is a fringe phenomenon at best. most people already react allergic if you bring up quotas and the gender pay gap, the most lukewarm „work within the system“ takes (which is not unique to germany but worth mentioning).

germany is in the european union and yet to my knowledge the only country besides the netherlands in the union that has completely liberalised prostitution, when france has adapted the nordic model and even the dutch are going back and getting more restrictive. if i remember correctly germany is also leading in porn production within the eu and the „world champion“ in watching porn (side fact: i am… beyond disturbed that 25 % of worldwide online search requests are for porn).

meanwhile abortion is still technically illegal (albeit decriminalised and accessible with some obstacles), mothers still take on the lion share of childcare (which often leads to poverty at old age) and single mothers are among the groups most at risk of poverty. tell me you hate women without saying it: advertising for brothels, fetish clubs etc is allowed, but it was illegal until only a year ago for gynaecologists to „advertise“ abortions (which just means informing about abortion on your website, not actual ads) while prostitution has been liberalised over 20 years ago and „luxus escort“ salomé balthus who shamelessly uses the attention to promote her book and own escort agency gets to write columns from welt (conservative newspaper) to süddeutsche (liberal newspaper). and so on.

sex sells but womens liberation does not.

#mine #germany

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milkgemini · 2 years ago

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Tip Of The Iceberg

Pairing: Josh Kiszka X f!reader Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: josh in that beanie had a chokehold on me tonight.. so how could i not. shout out to my baby @babyhoneygvf for helping me come up with this. ily pookie. as always, plsssss let me know your thoughts! 🫶🏻

Part 2

Jake 4:59 pm

“Get up ya lazy shit. We’re going skating in an hour”

You 5:05 pm

“Im up Im up. I’ll be over in 20.”

The friendship you shared with Jake was something near and dear to your heart. He felt like a big brother to you. You both shared the same humor. He would tease you and call you names, but at the end of the day, you knew he would never let anything happen to you.

His twin brother, Josh, was a different story. You didn’t dislike Josh. You didn’t know him well enough to even dislike him. There had never been a time where you hung out with Josh one on one. Jake or Sam had always been there to ease the awkward tension. You had tried to spark up a conversation with him before at parties the boys had thrown, but had always felt like a nuisance to him. Like he couldn’t be bothered to be included in the conversation. So you stopped trying.

You were always civil towards him. It was in your nature. He was your best friend’s other half, literally. The least you could do was acknowledge his presence as he entered the room.

It was just past 6 when you had shown up to the Airbnb they had rented. The 3 Kiszka boys had been staying with their parents for the holiday, but decided to rent this place so they could create their version of a Christmas break, which included a little more volume than their parents could handle.

As you entered the rental, you couldn’t spot anyone right away, but were greeted with the volume of voices which seemed to be coming from the kitchen around the corner. Your presence was made known as you stepped into the frame of the room. 5 heads turning towards your direction, with only 4 them showing excitement that you came.

“Hey hey! There she is!” Jake chimes in pulling you into a hug. One of the most important things in your friendship with Jake was the fact that his girlfriend Jita was respectful and understanding of the bond you two shared. They had been together for years and never once had she questioned you two, so to see the smile on her face as you reached your arms out to embrace her as well made your heart feel warm.

Danny and Sam were leaning against the counter, sipping on whatever experimental concoction they had decided to whip up tonight. Sam's eyebrow rose over the rim of his drink, gulping down a sip while simultaneously throwing an arm around you to welcome you. “Hi you two. What’s the drink of choice tonight?” you hesitantly asked, fearful they would force you to try. “This right here is a secret family recipe.” Sam replies, smacking his lips acting as if he’s savoring the flavors of the cocktail. “I’d tell ya the ingredients, but like I said, it’s a secret so you’ll just have to try yourself.” He gives you a smirk while pushing the rim of the cup closer and closer to your lips.

“He’s full of shit, don’t believe him. There’s no family recipe.” Danny warns you just as you’re about to fall for Sam's tricks. “Aw come on, Daniel. I almost had her!” With a wave of your hand, you roll your eyes to Sam, realizing there’s one person left in the kitchen you’ve not yet said hello to.

Josh had also been leaning against the kitchen counter a little farther down from Sam and Danny. He had a red solo cup in his hand, silently sipping his drink perusing the scene of people in the room. His legs were crossed at the ankles, and he watched over the rim of his cup as you greeted the rest of the crew. Once you had realized it was rude of you not to at least say something, you faced his direction. “Hi Josh” you waved meekly towards him. His only response was to lift his cup giving you a tight grin.

“Well, that was awkward.” you thought to yourself. And as if your best friend could read your mind, Jake saved you from any further embarrassment by interrupting.

“Alright guys. Uber’s gonna be here in 10, so get your shit together.”

As you all exited the kitchen, each of you began bundling yourselves with jackets, hats, scarves, and gloves in preparation of bracing the bitter Michigan winter air. With your hat, scarves and gloves secured, you patted the pockets of your winter coat making sure you had all of your belongings before leaving.

“Think you left this” a flat voice called from behind you.

Josh stood there, holding your wallet in his right hand, wiggling it towards you.

“Right, thanks.” was all you could reply.

Stuffing the wallet into your side pocket, you followed behind Sam as you all crammed into the van taking you to the ice rink.

The place was packed. It was Christmas break so you didn’t expect any less. As you approached the booth to pay, you began to feel your nerves rise in your stomach. Here you were about to step onto the ice, with no clue in the world of how to skate.

You followed Jake over to the stand where it was time to pick out your skates. You whispered to him, “I don’t know what I’m doing, so..” He huffed a laugh and turned to the employee before the desk. “She’s a size 7.” The man behind the counter had handed you a pair of white skates, heavier than you expected.

The 6 of you had found a bench outside, and everyone started untying their shoes to put their skates on. Unsure of how to tie your own skates but unwilling to admit it, you peeked out of the corner of your eye to mimic Jake’s movements.

“Is this right?” You pointed your feet in his direction, laces not tied properly.

“Lift up for me.” He tapped his thigh signaling to lift your feet to him.

Jake fixed your laces for you, tying them extra tight, resulting in you huffing out a breath to him.

“You’ll thank me later” he shot a wink at you before grabbing Jitas hand, and walking towards the entrance to the rink.

Sam and Danny had already gotten out there, Josh following in his twin brother's footsteps right behind him. Which left you by yourself to wobble up to the entrance, clinging on to anything in sight that would help stable your balance.

As you stood in the entryway, you closed your eyes and said a quick affirmation to yourself before stepping on the ice. You clung to the side walls as you moved your skates centimeters apart. Jake and Jita skated by you with ease and you flashed them a fake smile, immediately rolling your eyes when they were no longer in sight.

“Well, I paid for this so I might as well at least try..” you thought to yourself. You had no idea where this shot of courage came from, but before you could overthink it, you pushed yourself from the edge of the rink and tried skating on your own.

“Slow and steady wins the race” you repeat to yourself, as other people whip by you showing off how well they could skate. A younger boy in a hockey jersey was skating incredibly fast with friends behind you. Their volume increased, giving you a warning they were approaching quickly. The boy was paying no attention to you, just trying to get past as fast as he could, unfortunately knocking your shoulder in the process. Nudging you a bit too hard, you had lost your balance, sticking your arms out into nothing, bracing yourself for the fall you knew was coming.

Just before falling on your ass, you felt two sets of hands steady you by your elbows, straightening you up, saving you from the fall.

With the hands still gripping your elbows, and you too terrified to move an inch, all you could do was turn your head to the side to catch a glimpse of who was behind you.

“Josh?” you blurted out. “Oh um… thank you. I was about to bust my ass” you chuckled to yourself.

“I saw. Here. Go slow, let’s just get to the edge.” With his back flush to your chest, his hands still gripping the back of your arms tight, he guided you to the edge of the rink.

As best you could, you used your mittens to try to push your bangs out of your eyesight and readjusted the hat on your head.

“I’m not very good at this.” You admitted to him with a half smile.

“Takes practice. Jake and I started really young.” he responded flatly.

“Yeah well, I’m over it. You guys go head. I'm gonna grab a hot chocolate.” Before giving him time to respond, you began to creep along the edge of the rink towards the entrance.

“Wait!”

You turned to Josh with wide eyes. You weren’t even expecting him to be there anymore after you told him you’re finished with skating. You figured he wouldn’t really care what you were doing actually.

“I was thinking of getting a beer myself, so if you don’t mind…” he trails off

“Sure, what do you want? I’ll bring it back over. Just meet me on the side and I’ll hand it to you.” you absentmindedly start reaching in your pocket for your wallet.

“I meant… do you mind if I join?” he retorts back to you, looking directly in your eyes this time.

His question shocked you. Not once has Josh put the energy into hanging out, just you two. If anything, sometimes it seemed like he went out of his way to avoid this exact circumstance from happening.

“Oh umm. Yeah of course.” you tried your best to hide the surprised look on your face.

Slowly but surely, you reached the exit gate to the rink, stepping down onto the rubbery ground. It was much easier to walk on the skates now, so you had no trouble finding a bench and plopping yourself down. Until you were faced with your next challenge. You look down at your skates to see the jumbled mess of laces Jake had tied for you earlier. You leaned over and tried to tackle the knots. Josh sitting next to you, had already untied his skates and laced up his boots.

“Need some help?” He asked.

“I think I got it. It’s just stuc-“

“Gimme it” he reaches down to grab your ankle, pulling your skate into his lap. Within seconds, he unties the mess his twin made earlier, and taps the skate to signal for you to bring your next foot up.

You finished tying the laces to your own boots, skates in hand and stood up next to Josh.

“Ready?” He asks, nodding towards the concession stand.

You trail behind him, unsure of how this is going to go. You were so used to awkward situations when it came to Josh. Was this going to be filled with uncomfortable silence?

As you reach the concession stand, you scan your eyes over the menu. Josh steps up to the counter first.

“Hey how are you?” He greets the woman behind the cash register with a tight lipped grin. “Can I get a Dogfish Namaste and a hot chocolate?” He whips his head around back to you. “Anything else?” He asks.

“Uhh, no just the hot chocolate. Thanks.” The thought of him buying your drink for you without questioning it made a smile creep up on your face.

The woman at the counter handed over both of your drinks to which Josh thanked her and stuffed a few bills in their tip jar. He turned to you, extending his hand with your warm drink.

“Thank you, Josh. You didn’t have to do that. I have my wallet, remember?” You reminded him.

“Don’t worry about it.” He took a sip from his beer.

You both started walking towards an empty table inside, needing the extra warmth right now.

As you sat down, just the two of you at the table, you started to pick at the skin around your finger nails, worried about how awkward this might be. You decided to be the one to spark the conversation to ease the tension.

“I like your beanie” you complimented him.

The smallest smile shown on his face, as he reached up to feel the black knit hat on his head as if he forgot he was wearing it.

“Oh, thanks. My mom got it for me for Christmas.”

As you scanned Josh, you started to realize he looked different tonight. He looked good. The beanie was pulled tight onto his head, his curls stuffed inside. All you could see coming through were the shaved sides of his head. He kept his ears out of the beanie, which made the dainty golden hoops he wore even more noticeable to you.

“You ever try this kind?” He lifted the beer up to you.

Was he finally trying to carry on an actual conversation with you?

“I’ve tried their other ones, but I’ve never had that kind before.” You replied to him, trying your best not to show your excitement from him continuing the conversation.

“Try it. It’s good. It’s a wheat beer so if you like anything Belgian style, you’ll like this” he hands the beer across the table to you. As you wrap your fingers around the can, you also cover his fingers in the process before he has time to let go. Keeping your eyes on him, you watch his bashful reaction as he hands the can over and tries to find anything else to look at.

You take a sip of the beer, swirling your tongue in your mouth to take in the flavor. Josh watches your mouth from across the table.

“It’s good! I like it. I’ll have to pick this one up next time.” You hand the can back over to Josh.

A familiar set of voices can be heard coming from behind you.

“There you guys are!” Sam interjects, playfully slapping his brother’s shoulder.

“We thought you guys ubered back and left us here.” Jake huffed a laugh and looked at both you and Josh. “You guys ready to go? We called the Uber before we even stepped off the ice. It’s fucking freezing out there.”

The notification on Jake’s phone alerted you that the Uber was pulling into the parking lot. The 6 of you made your way out, tumbling into your seats and huffing out a breath as you all settled in.

Sam sat in the front seat, Jake and Jita in the two separate seats in the middle of the van. Which left you, Josh, and Danny in the row in the back, with you sandwiched between them. It was a tight squeeze, and all you could think about was making sure your thigh wasn’t leaning on Josh’s side too much.

He could tell you were tensing yourself, almost leaning into Danny to avoid your leg pressing up against his. As your Uber driver took a sharp turn rounding the block of the Airbnb, it caused your knee to brush against him, which you quickly retreated back.

“No worries” Josh leaned over to whisper towards you, giving your thigh a soft pat.

Thank god it was dark in that van, because the flush of your cheeks could be spotted from a mile away.

As you exited the car and walked through the front door of the house, everyone gathered in the kitchen, cracking open a new beer or pouring a new glass.

Remembering that you had been the last to show up to the function, and the only sober one left, you opted for a glass of wine to catch up to the others. You grabbed a red solo cup from the stack, and held the bottle of Pinot by the neck to pour into your cup.

Once everyone’s drinks had been refilled, most of the group had walked over to the living room, leaving you and Josh in the kitchen. Screwing the cap back on the bottle of wine, Josh had resumed his position from earlier. Ankles crossed, sipping his drink, peering at you over the edge of his can.

As you returned the bottle back to the wine rack, you could feel his eyes follow you around the kitchen. Before you could pick your cup up to follow the others to the living room, his voice stopped you.

“Is there a reason you’re so hesitant towards me?” He finally breaks the silence.

“What?” You look up at him with a questioning face.

“In the van. It was almost as if you were trying to get away from me back there. You can only scooch so close to Danny before you’re in his lap.” He took another sip of his beer, looking at you over the can with raised eyebrows.

“I…. Didn’t mean to it’s just-“ you continued

“Just what?” He stepped closer to you, placing his hand on the counter space between the two of you.

“I don’t know. I’ve always felt like I annoyed you, so I didn’t want to press it any further.” You admitted to him shyly.

He set his beer down on the counter, stepping even closer to you now, the smallest space separating your hips from touching.

“Which part of tonight made you think I was annoyed by you” his back left the edge of the counter to stand directly in front of you now. Your eyes wide as you gazed back at him, mouth parted in shock that he was so close to you right now.

With the toes of your boots touching, he stood in front of you, his eyes flicking back and forth between your wide stare and your lips.

“Was it the way I gripped onto you tight, making sure you never hit the ground…” he lifts his hand to your face, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear while leaning closer before finishing his sentence.

“Or was it the way I tried my best to get you alone earlier to share a drink?” His fingertips trailed from behind your ear to your jaw, tracing along the outline of it. As he got to your chin, he held it with his thumb, the knuckle of his pointer finger curled below it.

He moved his face closer to yours now, noses close to touching. Your eyes fluttered at his movements. He tilted your face up to him while keeping his eyes on your lips, his mouth parted.

As he moved closer to you, his lips came to your ear, just brushing up against it.

As you felt his soft lips brush against the shell of your ear he whispered to you.

“And what about now? Can you tell how bad I want you?”

to be continued….

Taglist: @gretasimp @writingcold

#Josh kiszka #joshkiszka #josh kiszka gvf #joshkiszkagvf #Josh kiszka smut #josh kiszka fanfiction #Josh kiszka fan fic #gvf #greta van fleet fan fiction #gvf smut #josh kiszka X reader #josh kiszka X y/n #josh kiszka imagine #Jos kiszka fan fic #gvf fanfiction

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jorban-ederble · 6 months ago

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I don’t care. I need to say it.

I think Ebs is highly underrated in the NHL. Sure, he didn’t have the greatest season this year, idc. Man is probably the sweetest dude and genuinely seems so down to earth, he was super cool and sweet to me when I met him and talked with him, lot of people also say he’s an excellent leader on (and I also believe off) ice. He’s definitely left his mark on the Kraken, getting the first hat trick in franchise history, first playoff OT winner that advanced us to game 5 against the Avalanche, crazy goal to see live… that kinda thing.

(Fuck the people who sat behind me at that game btw, it’s playoffs, don’t tell me to “sit the fuck down” YOU GET UP WITH ME MF THAT SHIT WAS OVERTIME. !!!OVERTIME!!!) (I’m short by the way. Dude could’ve easily looked over me.)

He’s been teaching so many of our younger players, I LOVED seeing him and Matty work together in the second season, I really did. Shit, I think he taught MCDAVID some shit when he joined. He’s been a mentor for YEARS in the league, even when he himself was like… in his mid-late 20s.

Idk there’s something about this dude who looks CONSTANTLY zonked that’s just got me in a chokehold. Thank you Jordan Eberle, for getting me into hockey, for playing, for talking. You’re a cool dude, who’ll probably never see this post but I DON’T CARE I gotta yell into the void sometimes.

#seattle kraken #jordan eberle #eberle my beloved #mayhaps a LITTLE autistic…#special interest #nhl

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ravioligobbler9000 · 11 months ago

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Finished Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier last night and oh my god how do I even begin to describe this book... It is SO good.

The way our perception of Rebecca is completely changed by what Maxim says and what he says is basically the only insight we have on what actually happened, and the way he is really unreliable so we will never know who is actually the bad guy in this story.

How the main character has no name cause this story isn't really about her, it's about Manderley, it's about Rebecca.

I love that Manderley itself feels like a character and how it seems to have control over everybody... When Manderley ends, the story ends.

And the fire is a curse as much as a liberation, Rebecca's last victory, her last curse, liberation from all of her schemes, liberation from the pressures to maintain a historical family estate, freedom from memories, from the past and from the ghost of Rebecca.

I must confess that at first I, like many, thought this was a romance book, our main couple being haunted by the memories of Maxim's ex wife and her beauty, but upon thinking further, this book takes a situation so bizarre, our main character stuck in this really weird marriage, Maxim acting cold and distant and never telling the narrator what she did wrong, while also not giving her insight into his past for her to understand why what she did was wrong, treating the narrator like a child, which she basically is, the insane 20 year age gap, and I absolutely love that at first glance and not thinking much about it, the author makes us think this is normal, even after the revelation towards the end of the book, Maxim is the good guy, and Daphne du Maurier makes such a great job of making the reader irrationally root for him, cause after all we want what the narrator wants. But then you think about it and, is Rebecca really the bad guy? Is Maxim really the good guy? Did Rebecca really deserve what she got for what she did? At what point does Maxim turn from a tired man who just wants real love and someone faithful, into a murderous manipulator who just hated the way Rebecca stood up to his lack of emotion by doing what she wanted, so he made up all this story about how she was a sociopath to justify what he did to her??

Also Mrs. Danvers.... Oh my god Mrs. Danvers who was insanely loyal to Rebecca, who knew of Rebecca's insanity and disgust towards men and embraced it and loved it, who had a sort of weird one sided psychosexual relationship with Rebecca and who makes the narrator's life a living hell because of her loyalty to Rebecca, the chokehold Rebeca has on the world even after she is dead, and the fact that her whole life was devotion to Rebecca, and it shows by that ending, if her Rebecca can't own Manderley, no one can. All the scene's with the narrator and Mrs. Danvers in Rebecca's room, especially the window one, that were just perfectly written, perfectly suspenseful, show us just how Rebecca was the mastermind, she was pulling the strings even after her death, she bended everything to her will, even the weather, how can someone else ever possibly be the Mrs. de Winter of Manderley?

Just as a final thought, I love the gender fuckery of it all, the main character is a sort of Haruhi from OHSHC, she couldn't care less if she looks like a boy or a girl, cause frankly it isn't even important for the story, she asks Maxim not to love her, but to treat her like a companion, a friend, "a sort of boy". And I think that's really cool, after all, gender doesn't matter in this story, only Rebecca, and we also know Rebecca wasn't big on gender roles either haha ("should've been a boy" as said by Mrs. Danvers)

I cannot squeeze anymore thoughts out because I also haven't had breakfast yet BUT I absolutely loved this book and I will so absolutely read it again, I'll shut up now, I've rambled enough :)

#rebecca #daphne du maurier #I don't even know if half of this makes sense but yeah #my thoughts are so unorganized it's insane #this post is like a draft for my school essay and i'm just doing it to organize ideas while sharing my thoughts with the internet #look how fun #anyways i'll eat smth now bye bye

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xiaomusmash14 · 27 days ago

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If there was ever a time Sanemi would not be getting sleep, it’d be whenever Mitsuri keeps reacting to anything even remotely associated with Just Dance

Just think: Mitsuri would be into pop music, and from what I learned growing up, Just Dance is literally the gateway to learning all the popular music and some underground gems. Example: I recall Satellite by Lena Meyer-Landrut to be from Eurovision because I vaguely remember Just Dance 3 (I didn’t have it growing up, I skipped to 4) having it, and that was before I even knew what Eurovision was!

Bonus, Toy by Netta is also a Eurovision song, and was, in fact, the 2018 Eurovision winner.

Bonus 2: Oops (Hit ‘Em Upstyle) by Blu Cantrell, an early 2000s song that ended up trending some time ago, is a huge favorite of mine. I got in on the audio trend at one point and I got asked what the name of the song was by a commenter, so I immediately gave them the name of the song without looking it up (that’s how well I know the song)

(Okay, enough about me rambling, I’m getting back on track)

No matter what game in the series, there’s always a good amount of well known songs (for better or worse) that get thrown into the mix, so there will be some rock dwellers out there that know of this franchise. It’s been going on for 15 years now, and so much has changed since 2009. There’s so many songs that got put into the series at this point (and some cut, RIP Mamaoo’s HIP and Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This), SCREW YOU, SELFISH LEAKER THAT CAUSED IT! (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾), so there’s gotta be at least one that will catch someone’s eye. It’s only a little less than a year older than My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, which debuted in October 10th, 2010, and we know damn well how much of a culture shock that was!

Even I’m not immune to it, I straight up made about 50 of the Demon Slayer characters into MLP ones (yes, 50, I’m not even joking), and I put down about 200 of them to be done like that. It was my chokehold before Demon Slayer attached itself to me! Hell, my OC is based on MLP G4!

If there’s ever a contest on what franchise got me stuck in it, Just Dance would take the bronze (and silver if KNY and MLP are tying) simply for sticking around and managing to be present in my life since 2009. Even if I don’t have the game, I still look up songs in any installment of the franchise just to listen to it for the heck of it. Hot ‘N Cold, Maps, Mi Gente, Soy Yo, you name it!

(This literally went from talking about how Sanemi is not gonna sleep once Mitsuri gets into Just Dance to me rambling about the impact it had on my life XD)

Mitsuri would, of course, be into the dancing because what else is this woman gonna do, watch the pretty colors? Hell no, her ass is gonna obliterate anyone who challenges her to a game of Just Dance (unless you’re Tengen or Kyojuro because both have enough energy to compete with her for longer than what’s considered normal exhaustion) and will memorize the routines up the wazoo.

“Hey, does anyone wanna play Just Dance-”

“GIMME THE FRICKING CONTROLLER!”

And it’s not just gonna be her dancing to the songs in the game, she’s gonna be belting her heart out too at all hours whenever she’s playing. Tribal Dance? Easy. Love You Like A Love Song? Top 20 on her playlist. Dancing Queen, Waterloo, The Winner Takes It All? ABBA will be a cinch in a Peloponnesian Super Speedy Cider Squeezy Sundae second (do not ask how I came up with that) within an hour!

And don’t even get me started on how she’ll go the whole ‘round of the world on the cosplays of the coaches! Don’t ask her to not get so much up-cycling material because she’ll insist that it won’t be as fun if she doesn’t get into character and wants to be as accurate as possible to them. This will include roping the other Hashira into doing the routines if more than one coach is in it and involves lifting the other person up (like the OG I’ve Had The Time Of My Life, not the Dirty Bit version), and yes, Obanai will comply. It ends up with him getting into the video game series as well at some point because god forbid, Tengen mocks him for being a “buzzkill” and Obanai will want to humiliate the Sound Hashira at his own craft for that slander just because he wants to pop that ego for once. And he’ll proceed to risk breaking his ankles in the process because he only picked the extremes and the super hard routines that require some sort of willpower to not collapse and crash afterwards.

Sanemi will be at his limit with the shenanigans, but does not fancy having the Grim Reaper be 5’3 and have a danger noodle.

#just dance 2025 #just dance #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #mitsuri kanroji #sanemi shinazugawa #kny #just dance game #Just dance ramble #there goes my sanity #There goes my sleep schedule

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falle-ness · 1 month ago

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FAVORITE FIRST WATCHES OF SEPTEMBER

picking up the cordial invite of anyone to do the game by @anyataylorjoys

I tag @thetudorslovers @streatfeild @randomprivateer @ainvege @zizzlekwum @katarinas-redemption @trishvaylar and anyone who wants to

I'm very chaotic when it comes to watching movies - I never know if I'm gonna end up rewatching a movie I've watched 20+ years ago (because I don't remember any of it), watching exclusively someone's filmography, or just pick a random movie.

It's been mostly Jackmantember XD

Paperback Hero (1999) – it's what I'd call a classic romcom. Just look at the premise:a local truck driver secretly pens successful romance novels using his best female friend's name who's a badass pilot. Things got complicated when a publisher gets into his small town in the middle of nowhere with an offer... It's perfect for an evening watch. Light, funny, hilarious, and comforting.

Reminiscence (2021) – a post apocalyptic sci-fi-ish neonoir with a twist. Reviews are mixed, but I'd recommend you watch it yourself. I liked it, and it hit just the right spot at that time, and honestly, made me cry. If you liked the Black Mirror episode about erasing/rewatching memories, you'll probably like this movie, too. Definitely not the kind of a movie to watch if you want to turn your brain off for the evening—there's too much stuff going on, but the pacing is really slow, almost dragging... But, again, I needed something like that.

Swordfish (2001) – wild 00s thriller I can't believe I've never watched before lol. Hot men, hot women (bisexual disaster alert), covert ops, tons of money, spies, hackers, shadow/puppet governments, conspiracies and whatnot... Gimme all, gimme moar. I don't care if some say Hugh Jackman wasn't believable here as a hacker. I actually like his version of a hacker more rather than a glassed-geeky stereotype that keeps popping up everywhere. And yeah, for those who care, it's 00s, so beware of 18+ and dubious consent and whatnot.

Prisoners (2013) – I know the director D. Villeneuve because of Sicario movies, and I can't believe I've never bothered to watch this. Villeneuve's movies are something between a chokehold and smothering. So I knew what I was getting into, but this was before Sicario, so I was curious to see where he started. This is not an easy watch. It starts off a beaten premise—there's two small girls missing, there's a cop who tries to do a right thing, and there's a father who thinks that trying is not good enough. From this point forward, the movie peels off the layers of the seemingly 'decent' neighborhood and its folks. It's a very unsettling movie, with a raw, gut-crushing performance from Hugh Jackman.

The Interpreter (2005) - yay, not a Jackman movie. This is a solid typical for 00s with its style and pace thriller about an interpreter for the UN who hears something she isn't supposed to (something on a very rare African dialect she knows) and becomes a target. Nicole Kidman as an interpreter and Sean Penn as the FBI agent tasked to protect her have quite interesting dynamic.

Australia (2008) - You either like Baz Luhrmann style or you hate it. I'm not his fan, but this epic saga about an Englishwoman who inherits a ranch in northern Australia was a revelation. Jackman here is a drover—the guy who droves cattle, horses, etc., to another location for a small commission. There are too many themes raised—racism, colonialism, the WWII, and the greed and betrayal. And how to stay human where everyone seems to have lost humanity. It's not easy to watch because the pacing is quite slow, and it's almost 3h, I think? But it'll leave its mark, trust me.

#tag games #films

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messrmoonyy · 2 years ago

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Tess finds you on a side street in Boston all beaten and bloody after you’ve been robbed. She takes you back to her place to stitch you up.

Needle and thread

Tess servopoulos x fem!reader

Not my gif - viktorhargreeves

A/N- Tess has had me in a chokehold ever since I first played the game a few years ago. The show has only amplified this. She’s a badass. A massive Mf flirt. Man I adore her. And seeing as the tess x reader tag is practically Barron. Here I am. Just a little something to ease me into writing for her. I’m still getting to grips with writing her.

Warnings: Tess loves a good curse word and I know some of you are tetchy about that, mentions of violence, mentions/ descriptions of injuries, reader doesn’t have a specified age but was born before outbreak day but is younger than Tess.

Word count: 3.8K

Masterlist

The first thing you registered was how fucking cold you were.

In fairness it hadn’t been a particularly warm day to begin with. It was the middle of winter and the sky had had that odd light, that showed it was full of impending snowfall, all day. And to make things worse you were street sweeping all day, out in the cold. You’d worn your thickest jacket, but in that moment you felt as though you weren’t even wearing one.

Your entire body was throbbing, your head pounding and there was a dull ache in your side, your mouth tasted of that bitter metallic twang of blood.

Next you noticed that you couldn’t see daylight behind your closed eyelids. It was dark. Where were you? What time was it?

The surface beneath you was too solid to be your bed. Yeah the mattress back in your apartment wasn’t exactly the comfiest thing, but it wasn’t that uncomfortable. And that cold breeze hitting your skin, chilling you to the bone…Where. The fuck. Were you?

Your eyes refused to open maybe out of fear or because your body felt so weak. Maybe it was a mixture of both.

Last thing you remembered was leaving your work assignment, payment of ration cards in your pocket.

Getting cornered in the alley.

A kick. A punch. Black.

You groaned and tried to move but your body protested. But you needed to move. To get up. If you were outside. And it was dark… it was past curfew. You didn’t need arresting for breaking the rules, FEDRA were getting a little too trigger happy for your liking. Firing squads and public hanging were becoming too frequent. And youd lasted 20 years in the damn shit hole that world was now. A firing squad wasnt how you wanted to go.

You’d had far too much time to think about death over the years and if you were gonna go out, you’d do it yourself. You’d decided that a while ago. Not because of some jumped up military officer who probably had a bet with another of who could get the most arrests in a week.

As if to confirm your own fears you heard footsteps drawing closer, hushed voices. And maybe that was it. Maybe you were about to be arrested for breaking curfew and you’d be up on the gallows tomorrow morning and that was that. They’d make up some excuse about having held a fair trial. When in reality they didn’t give two shits

“ Jesus fucking Christ “ you waited for a radio beep, a soldier calling in about someone out. They wouldn’t care that you’d been beat to a pulp. They wouldn’t care it was clearly not your fault that you were lying there in the dark. It was starting to become a game to them now, how many executions could they get in a week.

But no radio beep came. No static FEDRA chatter.

“ hey. Hey you alive? “ you coughed in some attempt to clear the blood that was still seeping into your mouth and attempting to find its way down your throat “ yeah. Alive “

“ Tess what are you doing? “ this voice was a man’s. A heavy Texan accent dripping from his low voice, his tone hushed.

“ what? You want to leave her here? “ a pair of cold hands were on your face, tilting it to the side and clearly examining the damage done.

“ since when are you so caring? “

“ since some girl has had her fucking face kicked in on one of our routes“ you groaned and tried to push yourself up, failing miserably.

“ and what exactly are you planning to do with her Tess? We need to get this shit back. Now “ a pair of hands held you under your arms and positioned you sitting back against the wall. You blinked a few times to clear the blurriness and tears from your eyes, forcing them open.

A woman was crouched down in front of you, holding her hand up in front of her “ hey how many fingers? “

“ 3 “ you said only mildly certain through the blurriness of your eyes.

“ good. No double vision? “ you shook your head weakly and she sighed, checking over you and pulling at your shirt slightly. There was a deep gash on your side which told you why it had been hurting, oozing a steady stream of blood over your shirt “ you live near here? That’s gonna need stitches “ you shook your head again, and your eyes fell on a gun tucked away in the waist band of her jeans. Her baggy shirt covering it for the most part.

You tried to shuffle away and shook your head

“ no- no I don’t- I don’t have anymore cards please- “ the woman’s brow furrowed and she followed your eye line, gripping tighter to your arms to keep you in place.

“ hey. Hey! I’m not gonna fucking hurt you I’m trying to help you. I don’t want your fuckin cards I got enough of my own, not that they’re any use to anyone right now “ you stopped squirming, still unsure of the woman- Tess- but surely if she was going to rob you too she’d have done it by now. Winter rations were at an all time low, most of the time they weren’t even honouring full cards. People were getting desperate “ shit “ you looked down at where she had pulled a hand away from you, it covered in blood. Your blood.

She looked around the ground where she’d found you before sighing and nodding at something “ you fell on that “ a broken bottle with your blood dripping off of its jagged edges was clear enough evidence “ do you live near here? “ she asked again, her hands still holding you firmly.

“ few blocks “ she sighed again and ran a hand over her face.

“ she’s gonna fucking bleed out if we leave her here Joel “ the man, Joel, scoffed and you looked up at him. He was glancing around nervously, probably looking for FEDRA.

“ ‘we’ there is no we with this Tess. Fuck this we need to get out of here. You really wanna draw more attention to us when I’ve got a bag full of pills? “ Tess looked over you again, readjusting a black bandanna in her hair with a sigh.

“ Jesus Christ “ she muttered before standing up and holding out her hand “ come on, come with me I’ll patch you up. Don’t stitch that shit up soon and you’ll bleed out. I live closer less chance of getting caught. We need to get out of here before FEDRA is on our asses “ you hesitated for a moment and she raised an eyebrow. Kindness was rare nowadays and after such a brutal reminder of that, it was hard to readily accept it “ or you can stay here and bleed out. Or get arrested. I don’t give a fuck either way “ she looked mildly irritated and you accepted the hand and winced as she pulled you to your feet

“ Thank you “

“ get that shit back to yours. I’ll see you in the morning “ Joel opened his mouth to protest but she held up her hand and it snapped closed again “ go “ you expected him to protest again, tell her she was stupid and then let them leave you there to die. But she seemingly was the one that had the power. He answered to her and not the other way around “ come with me “ she nodded up the street, indicating for you to follow her. “ keep pressure on your side. Stick close to me “ she said over her shoulder and you did as she said, breathing deeply in some attempt to stop the pain surging up your side as you pressed down on the wound “ robbing people and leaving them for fucking dead. I know people are desperate but fuck me “ she muttered seemingly to herself and shook her head “ people are getting more and more desperate by the fucking day “ you followed close on her tail.

The winter rations truly were at an all time low. You hadn’t seen them so bad in a while. Handing out half’s and expecting people to be okay with it. All it was doing was making people more erratic and desperate. More fights. More arrests. More executions. More people trying to leave the zone, somehow thinking there was a better chance at food or survival outside of the wall.

Maybe it was.

You remembered your time before entering the QZ. It was hell on earth. But sometimes you did think you’d rather chance it out there than with the officers inside the walls.

You were light headed as you followed Tess along more back alleys, stopping every time she flung an arm out to stop you if a FEDRA patrol passed by.

“ holding up okay? “ she asked as she held an arm across your chest to keep you flush against the wall, an armoured truck driving past with its bright torches shining down the streets looking for anyone breaking curfew. You wondered how much longer it would have been before they’d found you lying there. If you’d be in the back of that exact truck now headed for a FEDRA lockup, ready for the gallows in the morning.

“ yeah “ you said a little breathlessly and doing your best to ignore the pain.

“ convincing “ she huffed a small laugh before nodding up the street and kept walking.

She lead you into a building and up a flight of stairs to the end of the hall. You followed her into what you assumed was her apartment, Standing a little awkwardly as she locked the door behind you.

“ sit down “ she instructed and pointed over to the small kitchen table, flicking on a couple of portable lamps. You sat down with a sigh of mild relief and looked down at your side, blood still oozing around the edges.

“ fuck “ you tried to distract yourself, looking around the room. The bed was unmade, clearly still in the state she’d left it in when she’d left. Dishes in a pile by the sink, A plaid shirt tossed over the back of a red couch that had seen better days. There were no pictures on the wall. Most people you’d met that were born pre outbreak had at least one picture from before. But she had nothing. Nothing to give away about who she was.

Your eyes fell back onto her as she joined you at the table, pulling the chair under her so she was sat so close to you that your knees touched.

“ look I’m no nurse and I can’t promise you that the finished product will be pretty but it’s that or bleed out “ she was very direct. To the point. It almost made you want to laugh and you wondered if the blood loss was sending you slightly manic.

“ right “ you watched her carefully as she threaded a needle before soaking it in alcohol. It didn’t seem even remotely hygienic. But you guessed nothing much was these days.

“ take your jacket and shirt off “ again, very direct and to the point. She didn’t seem the type to beat around the bush or bullshit you and you kind of liked that. So you did as you were told, gritting your teeth as you peeled the fabric away from the wound. She picked up a torch from the table and shone it over the area, inspecting it “ cant see any glass. You’ve got that going for you… here hold this “ she handed you the torch and guided your hand to hold it where she wanted it, her fingers over yours “ I won’t bullshit you. This is going to hurt like a bitch “

“ awesome “ her eyes darted up to yours, a small smirk pulling at her lips and she gave a small shake of her head.

“ alright sit back… that’s it. Good “ she leant forward and you instantly tensed as you prepped for the pain “ relax or this will hurt ten times more “ she said lowly, clearly focussed. You tried your best and closed your eyes “ okay on 3 take a breath… 1. 2. 3 “ you groaned in pain as the needle pierced your skin, the feeling of the thread pulling through so odd and uncomfortable you were almost scared you’d puke. And wouldn’t that be embarrassing

“ fucking Christ “

“ breathe. You’re doing great “ you refused to look at the needle poking in and out of your skin, looking at her instead. The entire thing was oddly… intimate. She was leant so close you could feel the faint cold of her breath on your burning skin.

You almost laughed that something like that was making you flustered.

“ was that your… husband? “ you asked quietly in some attempt to distract yourself from the burning pain in your side, hissing through your teeth and gripping tightly at her bicep as she threaded another stitch into your skin.

“ no “ she said, eyes glancing up to meet yours for a brief moment, that mildly irritated smirk playing on her face again “ he’s a headache “

“ aren’t all men? “ she actually laughed at that. It was the kind of laugh that you couldn’t pinpoint if she was genuine or if she was being sarcastic.

“ you got that right “ she tugged a little harder on the thread and you dug your nails into her bicep again, muttering curses under your breath.

“ so he’s your scary guard dog huh? “

“ funny “ she deadpanned, grabbing a cloth from the table and wiping away at a trickle of blood “ I don’t need him for people to be scared of me “

“ I’m sure “ Tess simply gave you that look again and shuffled a little closer as she worked. Watching her was actually a pretty good distraction. And you felt quite stupid to realise your brain was actually trailing off to think about how attractive she was now that you were looking at her so up close.

There you were with a hole in your side and you were thinking about how good looking someone was.

But she was. She really was.

She was older than you, 40s maybe, but no one really looked their ages anymore. Her dark hair was speckled with greys, faint lines adorned the corners of her eyes. She had several cuts and scars adorning her face too but somehow you found that made her more appealing. Her lips were parted lightly as she focussed, brow furrowing and truly you were mesmerised.

“ take a picture it’ll last you longer “ your face burned as you realised you’d been caught very much staring at her.

“ what- i- sorry “ she huffed a laugh and grabbed at your hand holding the torch, positioning it back where she wanted it.

“ why did you help me? “ you asked in some attempt to change the subject. She simply shrugged, leaning forward and biting at the thread to cut it. It was embarrassing how it sent butterflies exploding in your stomach.

“ random dead body on the street will make those FEDRA dicks close that whole area down, probably blame it on fireflies. And I need that area of the city open. You’d have been a major pain in my ass if I’d left you there to die ” it didn’t feel like a genuine answer, which also made you think you weren’t about to get a genuine answer out of her at all. But then again you didn’t know her so how would you know? She was clearly very guarded though.

“ how’d you even end up there? Flashing ration cards around? “ you shrugged slightly and placed the torch down, grabbing the cloth to wipe away the blood on your lip.

“ I was just going home. Some bastards stole my ration cards from my pocket I wasn’t flashing anything around. It’s whatever they must have followed me from work. I have more cards at home. I’ve been picking up extra assignments “ Tess shook her head and put the needle and thread down on the table.

“ FEDRA are probably keeping it all to their fucking selves anyway. Never hear a solider complaining he’s hungry do you? “

You watched her as she grabbed the bottle of alcohol from the table and looked back down at your wound “ sorry. But this is gonna hurt too “ she didn’t give you much of a warning that time before she poured some of the alcohol directly onto the newly stitched wound, clamping a hand over your mouth already anticipating you calling out in pain. It felt as though she’d poured straight acid onto your skin, making you jolt in the chair and attempt to be quiet. Which you failed at miserably “ shh shh that’s it. There we go “ tears stung at your eyes and you took deep breaths “ nice and quiet. It’ll pass. Breathe through it “ Tess removed her hand after a few moments and took a moment to admire her handiwork, simply shrugging before looking away.

“ thank you “ you said in a shaky voice and accepted the bottle that Tess then handed you.

“ drink. Trust me. It’ll help “ you hesitated a moment and she raised a brow.

You took a drink just as a way to hide the blush creeping over your cheeks again.

“ yeah. Better “ you deadpanned and she gave you that look again and rolled her eyes.

“ keep drinking I can’t offer you anything for your face other than drink until you can’t feel it anymore. Tried and tested “ you watched her as she stood up and walked over to a small chest of drawers, reaching into her waistband and tossing the gun on top and then pulling off her shirt. She rummaged around in one of the drawers before pulling on a new one over her vest, then tossing a shirt over at you.

It was at that moment you realised just how indecent you were. Sat at a strangers table, jagged stitched wound on your side and only your bra covering your top half. In your hurried attempt to pull the button up on you tugged at your stitches, hissing in pain and hand flying to hold your wound.

“ don’t. Don’t touch it. Fuck sake “ she strode over and picked up the shirt, swatting at the hand that was hovering awkwardly over your wound “ arm up. Slowly. Or you’ll fuck up my work” she helped you into the shirt, hands brushing over your skin “ you can stay here tonight. Unless you want to go out there and get yourself arrested. But I’d rather you didn’t. It’d have been a waste of my whiskey “

“ I’m sure you’d find some more “ she raised her eyebrows and shrugged, pulling another one out of the drawer as if silently agreeing with you, before taking a seat back opposite you at the table. She unscrewed the cap, tossing it to the table and raising her bottle towards you

“ cheers “ you watched her take a big gulp as if it were water, slumping slightly in her chair.

“ I didn’t know they gave out whiskey on ration cards? “ she eyed you carefully as you spoke, taking another sip from your own bottle.

“ if you’re trying to get some information and run off to FEDRA, I’d highly advise against that “ your mind played back to the mention of pills. The stash of alcohol. The way she had managed to get someone as menacing as Joel to be quiet, to do as she’d asked.

You were clearly in the presence of a very dangerous person.

But surprisingly. You weren’t scared. At all. Maybe it was the alcohol. You didn’t know the last time you’d actually had a drink. And it was clearly now going straight to your head.

“ and why is that? “ she was still watching you, carefully. Eyes narrowed and inquisitive. You felt as though you were a prey in a stand off with its predator. A rabbit trying to escape a fox.

She leant forward, arms resting on her knees and neck of the bottle loosely hanging between her fingers.

“ you don’t want to know “ the air had shifted. You didn’t know why you were prodding the bear. She could kill you any second if she felt like it. She had a gin after all. But something in you wanted to push her buttons and see how far you could. Maybe it was because for once in years someone was paying some attention to you. And someone that looked like her. Someone that looked at you like she could pounce any second.

You liked it.

“ I do “ her eyes still hadn’t left you. Not even for a second. She was taking you in, every inch of you. Reading you. Analysing. It was intimidating you couldn’t lie. It was a challenge.

You didn’t know what you expected her to do. Or say. She simply nodded her head slightly and stood up, closing the small gap between your chairs in a single step. She placed the bottle down on the table and nudged your chin up with her fingers, making you look up at her.

Your breath caught in your throat and your head was suddenly clearer than ever. She didn’t say anything straight away, simply kept that prey eating look in her eyes. You could hear the blood rushing in your ears you almost feared she could hear it too.

“ you’re either really fuckin smart. Or really fuckin stupid. Which is it? “ her voice had dropped. Low and slow. You were the rabbit with its foot in the snare and she was the fox ready to take advantage of the vulnerability she’d stumbled upon. And you liked it. God you liked it “ I asked you a question “ her words were almost threatening but the hold she had on your face was a stark contrast. It was tender almost. Gentle.

“ figure it out “ she gave you another one of those breathy laughs, her lips tugging up into a smirk and nodding again.

“ be careful “ she let you go and stepped away. You let out the breath you’d been holding, but already missing her almost domineering presence in front of you “ you should get some rest” you watched her toss a blanket onto the sofa and then flick off the lamps, the room now only half illuminated by the bright lights that sat on the watch towers along the wall “ I doubt I’ll be here when you wake up “

“ important smuggler business? “ she didn’t grace you with an answer and simply got herself into bed. You made your way over to the couch and wondered if you’d actually get any sleep.

But somehow you did. And , just as she said, when you woke up she was gone.

#eee first full Tess one shot. thriving #tess servopoulos #tess servopoulos x reader #the last of us #tlou tess #tlou #tlou hbo #x reader #lesbian #lgbt #fluff #hurt comfort #Anna torv #other characters for exposure:#joel miller #ellie williams

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