#i have bad social anxiety and do not thrive on ambiguous communication!

[recurring-polynya]

Are we allowed to share RenRuki fic ideas with you?

Ummmmmm.............I guess the question I have is, I guess it depends on why you want me to see it?

So, on one hand, I always want to support the Renruki fanfic writing enterprise. If you sincerely want help developing an idea, I am open to help with that, although if that is the case, *please* do not send your ask anonymously, because I would probably prefer to reply privately. You can also email me for that sort of thing. If we are already on a DM basis, and you want to chat about your ideas, I am happy to listen and support you! (or if we're kinda friends and you want to make the jump to DMs, maybe that's a good excuse).

On the other hand, I sincerely do not like it when people, especially people I don't really know, send me things that are like "here is an idea that I had!" because I have no idea what is being asked of me. I cannot even conceive the thinking behind sending something like this, I would never. What on earth would motivate you to put that in someone's askbox instead of just posting it on your own blog, where your followers, the people who want to see your ideas, can see it? If you tag it, then everyone who follows that tag will see it too! Maybe people want my blessing, or something, but I am deeply uncomfortable being put in that role. It's all well and good, I guess, if I happen to like your idea (although I still don't know what to say...I would be so much more comfortable reblogging a post that you made), but if I don't like it, that really puts me in an uncomfortable spot, you see? I have kind of particular tastes, but I very intentionally keep the things I don't like to myself. I don't ever want someone to be sad because I hated on their favorite idea, but sometimes I don't know what else to do when someone shoves it into my inbox and my only choices are to make a public comment on it, or just delete the ask, either of which is going to hurt the asker's feeling. I don't ever really think that what the asker wants is a sincere criticism of their idea, but unfortunately, that's what I usually end up doing and then I feel terrible about it and then I close my ask box for three months. Also, literally, who cares what I think? If you have a fanfic idea and you like it, you should write it. (Although, I guess maybe part of the reasoning behind sending strangers your fanfic idea is because you have no intention of actually writing it, in which case I am doubly not the person to send it to)

To be honest, I don't care very much about fanfic ideas. I care about fanfic execution. Most of my own fanfic is pretty low-concept. I know many people enjoy just talking about their ideas with no intention of ever writing them and this is not me. If I could write the fanfic without ever having the ideas, I would. I read just about every Renruki fanfic I see on ao3 (unless the tags are a no-go) and if I liked it, I'll leave a comment, and if I don't have anything nice to say, I won't.

I guess the third case is that you want to tell me about your fanfic idea in the hopes that I'll write it, to which I will say, a) please be very clear if that is the case, and b) I suppose if it's interesting enough, I might, but the odds are very low, and it will probably take me forever. Oh, also, once again, please don't ask on anon, so that I can reply to you on private.

[makingoutinyour30s]

one part of me sighs, “boys are dumb.” another says, “this is really all about the bison.”

Oh hi, S!

I just want to take a moment to voice my anxiety now that I have finally made an appearance. I realize my first blog post better be really damn good.

S, I am not annoyed with you for how you are feeling. I feel a mess of emotions, most fueled by the love I feel for you and how much I want this to be easy, joyous, enriching, and simply happy for you. When things are harder than they should be my sister-feathers get ruffled. You are not wrong to sense that I am annoyed, though. My annoyances circle around me a bit like a swarm. Hard, at first, to find the center. But, as I’ve reflected on it the center isn’t you. It is, as you might expect, DD4. Perhaps even more accurately, my struggles in coming to a stable understanding of what is going on here.

I know that through this experience you have sometimes been less than vulnerable. Felt that you have been choosing to stay guarded when maybe, you know that you are more interested in engaging with life bravely and without walls up. However, like I said to you this morning, I have felt like you told him much more clearly than he has communicated to you that you like him. You have physically initiated. You have been cute and charming. You have been thoughtful about the experiences you’ve crafted to share with him. You have carved out space for him physically, emotionally, cognitively, and socially. You have explicitly said that YOU like HIM. While you have used strategies to avoid opening up in many ways, you have not filled your answers with vagaries when it comes to how you like him. My greatest unease comes from his employment of ambiguity in answers to questions that specifically place YOU as the subject. He is a smooth and thoughtful talker when it comes to topics where HE is the subject. I think I just want to see you at the center of his thinking. My own stuff with J made me realize that I am someone who can be spun around by smart people who know how to talk about feelings and desires but then exhibit behavior that feels incongruent. Some of what you’ve shared gives me that familiar feeling of being spun.

One can be spun by accident and one can be spun on purpose. We both tend towards giving people generous reads. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Giving people space enough to fuck up with us without losing us. A new edge for me, a new skill I am learning now is to simply notice and then pay attention to an underdeveloped intuition. The feeling that something here is off. By no means do I think that things are over here. By no means do I think DD4 is a Bad Dude. I want you to engage hopefully. I want you to manifest exactly what you want and we have talked about how it is important to engage in interactions with the energy you wish to infuse them with and not out of places marked by fear and hesitation. During this time of confusion, I think my expressions of annoyance are my way of holding some of that for you. Holding some hesitation. My left eyebrow raised, firm gaze, eyes slightly narrowed, arms crossed, standing in front of my sister feeling a bit unimpressed by what sometimes looks like a very handsome but “dumb boy.” You just deserve more. That is all my annoyance is trying to communicate to me and to you.

Last night I had some friends over for dinner, drinks, games, and hangs. Near the end of the night, after you and me texted a bit, I filled them in on some of the latest happenings with DD4. They know a bit about what happened with OH and have asked about you from time to time. (You’ve got a little network of concerned strangers out here.) As I relayed the specifics and described the state of things (as of last night), they all effectively responded with “boy bye.” As you and I both tend to be more generous, I felt surprised by the firmness in their response. “Not worth it and this feels like game playing,” one said. “Boys are stupid but they are usually clearer than this,” another chimed in. Some unimpressed grimaces went around the room. But, I felt uneasy about this too. We are researchers right? I kept thinking, especially early on in getting to know someone, how on earth do you tell the difference between someone retreating and needing time to think and someone who is playing games? How can you differentiate between someone who is self-reflective and trying new and unfamiliar ways of being in the world (which would explain being clumsy in their execution) and someone who is manipulating things to keep them unclear? What is the right balance between being firm about what is right for you and being generous with others and allowing people to learn and grow and fumble things? How can we be advocates for ourselves while embracing that people are imperfect? I just do not have a good answer to this. And perhaps it is unknowable early on. I do feel like a detective, though, trying to suss that out.

My verdict is still out as to whether DD4 will or will not be capable of giving you that which you deserve. I have been playing a ton of basketball again, and I feel a bit like a coach, giving one last start to a player who has a ton of inherent potential but who has not been applying himself enough. A player who is not showing up for the team enough to go to the next level or in ways that I believe he is capable of showing up. I am waiting to see if DD4 can be a leader, a co-captain, and deserves to start more games—or if he’ll be moved to the second string (a friend), or ultimately benched (not even a friend). Right now, depending on his next moves, the generous part of me that feels right about accurately seeing his potential is willing to give him another start.  

As I was beginning to outline my thoughts, L was in the kitchen making us breakfast when she suddenly came into the living room. In her blue patterned robe, she walked in with conviction, and stopped just a few feet into the room. “It feels to me like S thinks she has something to prove and she doesn’t. Not to him.” I agreed. Then, “I had something else, but I forgot.” (She never remembered, by the way.) I jotted down the comment about proving something and smiled at how endearing I found her second comment. She turned and left, returned to making poached eggs. S, you don’t have anything to prove. Not to him. I think you had something to prove to yourself about vulnerability. About bravery. About not letting yourself down. Something about how you would push yourself to remain vulnerable and to engage with the world wholeheartedly despite the hurts you have suffered. Despite having spent time in Azkaban. Despite sometimes still shaving off old layers left behind by the time spent with OH.  

I have been talking a lot about feelings and vulnerability with a new important friend I met on that retreat I went to, which we all affectionately call “therapy camp.” (An experience I should tell you more about in its own post perhaps.) I shared with her, and I want to share with you this amazing supernatural “advice column.” It’s poetry, really. A poet channels Baba Yaga (my girl!) and offers profoundly beautiful perspective to people’s questions. All our talking about the feelings that have come up for you, about vulnerability, and about how you have handled everything life has thrown at you reminded me of this post:

When I stop investing time in thinking about DD4 and just think about you, my feelings change dramatically. And I want to tell you that I am so proud of you. Your friend joked, accurately, about how the Really Hard Time was akin to serving a sentence in Azkaban. But I don’t believe you were locked up in misery. Instead, I saw you walking, every day, towards the bison herd. OH’s actions affected you, but they did not imprison you. You never let them imprison you the way I let things with J imprison me for some time. Those experiences have not changed you and they have not damaged you into becoming some other person, some version of yourself that is forever changed or forever different. You never aimed to approach the bison as something to be killed and butchered. You also never tried to wall them in leaving them to fester and sicken. You are one of the bravest people I know.

I’ve been enjoying “bison” a lot. (Bison as emotions and bison as a visual to engaged with.) In a previous post you talked about the sensation of growing wings. Sometimes when I am feeling elated, so connected to the world or to people, or joyful about newly imagined futures in which I thrive, I imagine a posse of bison walking behind me. We stroll down the campus mall in harmony, enjoying the sun and the breezes. We listen to a new playlist I just started filled with music that make bison sway, and we radiate smiles and good vibes to those around us. You have been gentle and generous with your reads of DD4, I hope you give yourself the same courtesy when reflecting on any mistakes you may have made this round. May your bison give you a nod for the bravery you showed this weekend. May your bison give you a nod for the follow up text you sent to DD4. I’m proud of you for proving to yourself that you are capable of new ways of being vulnerable and ever more authentic ways of being in the world.

I read through a bunch of old posts before writing this one. Since the Really Hard Time, man has the sun ever come out. Some mornings maybe you still wake up to a cloudy day. Some experiences, like this confusion with DD4, bring some mist and fog rolling back in… but oh how the sun is shining on you dear sister, and it makes my heart happy.

Girl, when I see you in December, I am pretty sure it is going to feel like our bison are frolicking through downtown Chicago together. Not long now.

xo,

a.