#i have an incredibly high pitched voice myself but the pitch of someones voice can indeed hurt | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

saminator · 9 months ago

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the joys of being a masculine trans man

Today, sometime around 9:30 pm, I had an epiphany. Maybe I finally found the joy of being trans. I'd always heard people say it, but I thought it was bullshit. Until today, being trans had caused me nothing but misery and fury. If you asked me anytime before today, April 3rd, 2024, at 9:30 pm pst, whether or not I liked being trans, it would have been a hard no.

I have prom coming up. I'm going to the prom at the school I would have gone to if I'd stayed in my middle school's town. I know a lot of people there, and three of the people at that school are the only hope I used to have when I was 14 and 15, still figuring myself and the world out. Don't get me wrong, I still am, but I was so unhappy back then, and they offered me unlimited comfort. Anyway! I'm going to prom with them and I was kind of excited about it. I'd been having a hard time getting myself to be excited about anything lately. I told my parents I needed a suit for prom and they asked if I could wear something I already had. I said no. All I have are two blazers from the women's section that I got in 2021, one red and one gray, which are incredibly comfortable and nice but they were from a time when I wasn't allowed to shop in the men's or boy's section, and another 3-piece suit which is a bit too large for me that my ex-girlfriend (who's trans) gave to me because I would enjoy it far more than she ever did. I'd also borrowed a blazer from a friend, and again, while it was wonderful, it was also from the women's section. I wanted something new, something that I picked, something that fit me and made me feel okay. So, we started looking for one.

My dad and I went to the mall two days ago to try and look for a suit, but they were either really expensive, or just not my size. Then, my mom told me to look for it online and have my dad pick it up on the way back home from work. I did that. I ordered a gray blazer and dark blue dress pants from the boy's section. My dad got them home. I tried them on. I loved it more than I had ever loved any piece of clothing before. My dad was so encouraging about making sure I looked good and he kept suggesting different variations I could try of the outfit. After a whole hour of trying on different shirts under the blazer and showing my mom and having her feedback on it, I went to go change. Then my dad called me, saying "don't change! wear your blazer!" and asked me to move the trash bins into our backyard because it's extremely windy and they were being knocked over (also because HOA hates when trash bins are left out apparently). So I went to do that.

And I was walking down the driveway with the wind blowing in my hair, I thought Wait. Is this what they mean by the "joy of being trans?" Earlier, I couldn't stop staring at myself in the mirror because I looked so fucking handsome it was UNBELIEVABLE. My smile didn't feel ugly, my hair didn't feel shabby, my entire body didn't feel like a mistake. And now, in the wind, dragging the landfill bin behind me, I felt happy with being trans.

I don't care if others don't see me as a man. The mirror sees me as a man. That's all that matters. The sheer happiness I felt wearing a suit that wasn't someone else's or from the women's section or too big or not mine was crazy, Suddenly, my short height, my high-pitched voice that no matter how deep I try to make it still gets me misgendered, and my un-muscular body didn't matter. I WAS IN A FUCKING SUIT THAT I LIKED THAT FIT ME THAT WAS FROM THE BOYS SECTION THAT MY PARENTS ALSO LIKED THAT KEPT ME WARM IN THE WIND. I was smiling like a maniac on the way to the backyard.

I'm sure this experience doesn't just happen to masculine trans men. Maybe you're a cis man reading this and you're short, have a high-pitched voice, and aren't jacked up. I see you, and I know how isolating it can feel to be the way you are, no matter how hard you try. I've tried working out to get muscles. I can't gain weight easily. I'm literally 5'1'' and 90 pounds. I hate it. But who cares! I have a suit that's sexier than sex!

I love being masculine. That's something you won't hear people say often because masculinity is demonized because it was always weaponized in the past (and still is). But I'm not all of those men. I'm my own man and I choose to love and embrace masculinity. What is masculinity anyway???? Is it suits? Is it being built? Is it having a deep voice? Is it having a beard? Is it being tall? Is it doing taxing manual labor? No! It's none of those things objectively, not even the suits. I've said this before and I'll continue saying it, if wearing dresses or skirts or doing makeup makes you feel masculine or is your definition of masculinity, hell yeah! Go for it! To me, masculinity is home. It's looking at myself and smiling because I look good. It's wearing a suit and feeling warm and cozy and ready to do anything. It's having a better relationship with my parents because we're all trying our best. It's being daring and taking risks just because I want to. Femininity couldn't give me any of this.

Especially in a time like now, where no trans space is safe from discussions of the happenings of the world, the world where people want to erase us because they think we're a threat. The fact that people are afraid of us is astonishing. But we persevere, we wear our suits or dresses or overalls or corsets or fishnets or khakis or hoodies and we pursue happiness because it's comforting to think that it exists for us. And it does. If someone like me could find euphoria in being trans, anyone can.

But yeah, in conclusion, the joy of being a masculine trans man is trying on your prom suit with the wind blowing 18 miles per hour in your hair and feeling alive and manly masculine male >:)

#.txt #trans #transgender #transmasc #trans men #trans joy

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dreamii-krybaby · 2 years ago

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your nori headcanons, hand them over

Wait. People are actually interested in my Nori HCs? Holy shit *screams in happiness*

Ironically I been working on a post dedicated to my Nori HCs! but am going to throw a “few” in here.

Nori Doorman! HCs 🗝️

(watch all of this get absolutely wrecked when we fully get to see her character alongside others.)

(Btw some of my HC are connected to my personal speculations)

• I honestly can’t see this woman being straight. So fuck it. She is pansexual now.

• I was thinking of HC her as neurodivergent! But not sure rn.

• Nori was named that way by herself because after she found out about sushi’s existence,and after finding out the algae used in sushi is called “Nori”, she later named herself after that bc she thought the word sounded cute.

• If robots could eat human food,she would definitely try all kinds of sushi or just the algae for curiosity.

• We canonically don’t know if Nori was a WD that had parents or was a WD who gained sentience. But personally I like to think she was one of the many WDs who gained sentience.

• She actually gained sentience when she was slightly younger and moments after the extinction of humanity.

• She was around her early 30s when she passed away.

• She met Khan before the WDF existed or when Khan wasn’t even considered a leader.

• They met while both found themselves in a pickle after trying to scavenge scraps for personal projects.

• I do think if they were WDs who attended high-school,they would have met after being paired for a school project.

• If Nori ever went to high school she definitely strikes me as a “shy nerdy geeky girl but gets super exited when talking about her passions”.

•Nori and Khan were roughly the same age when they started dating but Khan started to age physically more faster bc of overwork and stress after becoming the colony’s leader.

• Honestly Khan and Nori’s relationship strikes me as:

“Big menacing dog who is actually a goofball” and “Tiny black kitten who looks adorable but will commit war crimes if provoked”

• Honestly I can only see Nori’s and Khan’s relationship being so fucking wholesome,they were lovebirds your honor. Ofc before shit hit the fan.

• She used to spend time with the WDF and join in their card games!

• Nori was incredibly good at card/board games. She always somehow won when playing card games with the WDF. The WDF still let her join bc it was fun. (And bc she was their leader’s wife)

•The way of how imagine Nori’s voice is sort of a smooth and soft voice. Slightly monotone and a bit high pitch. Like her voice immediately gives “shy soft woman who also happens to be a mother” vibes.

Her voice does shift a bit when she gets really excited! (Or any strong emotion) Completely loosing her monotony and smoothness a bit.

The best voice claim I can think for rn her is actually Candace from Genshin Impact, just make her voice a bit high pitched.

Also fun fact! Candaces english VA (Shara Kirby) is the same VA of Serial Designation-J!

Another Voice claim i can come up is Andrea Storm Kaden!

She is a singer who performed in a lot of fan songs of video-games. (tattletail,FNAF,BATIM, Overwatch,etc. She did a lot of collabs with JT Music and I think a few with TryHardNinja.)

• She is actually shorter than the average WDs,but just by a few inches. She isn’t an ant like Uzi.

• Her hair is much more longer and a few shades lighter than Uzi’s.

• Her eyes are also much saturated compared to her daughter’s eyes color.

•She also has cute lil chompers! Tho they dont look the same as the DDs. They are smaller and shorter,Uzi inherited that trait from her.

• Uzi’s necklace actually belonged to Nori.

• When Nori got her hands on this necklace and started wearing it,she never took it off.

• She definitely strikes me as someone who is into cottage-gore.

• She is a goth mom,thats it. Like and old-school goth mom. (Like she is more into the “feminine” part of goth,if I can explain myself)

• She constantly wore black dresses. The one she wore the most was a simple off shoulder black dress with short sleeves and frills on it. It was made from a very thin and light material. And it had a purple flower pattern on it.

• She wore this dress while wearing black combat boots (Like most WDs) and her necklace.

• She had a pair of black combat boots but this time her boots lace was a purple color.

• She also had a WDs jacket! And occasionally wore it. It was purple.

• One of her many hobbies was painting. She didn’t do it all the time,just occasionally. Khan still kept some of them hidden away.

• She was definitely one of those girls who would see true crime content.

• She would sometimes put screamo music when cleaning.

•She definitely listened to grunge,goth,metal music

•She isn’t much of a singer but she can hum pretty well!

•She hums when doing chores or when comforting Uzi.

•Uzi’s and Nori’s love language would definitely be touch. I can see her humming as she caresses Uzi’s head,as Uzi lays it on her mother’s lap. She did this whenever her kid had a rough time.

•Nori was the only person who could calm Uzi down whenever she went “feral”.

•Uzi would probably be more close and vulnerable with Nori.

• Nori is probably one of the most softest/chillest person. But make her really pissed and honey you are dead. (May or may not be literal)

• Whenever she is just angry but not necessarily pissed she is more a cold,piercing kind of anger. The kind to stare into your soul and makes you question all your life choices.

Note: Btw I theorized she was related to the AS and actually had it since EP2! So have some of that!

• She was covered in scars,bumps and dents,but she mostly covered them up with her clothes or the AS did the job healing the scars. Or she covered them up by literally painting over herself.

As to why she had these scars? Well lets say she got herself into questionable and dangerous situations.

• She would replace a lot of the broken mirrors that she would break with her AS in her house,in secret.

• She would occasionally use her AS when doing chores.

EP3 spoilers!

Note: We don’t know if Nori consumed Oil whe she was alive,since I theorized she had the AS. But I have some HCs if she did:

• Sometimes she would arrive at her home,alone or when Khan was sleeping. Wearing long forearmed-length black gloves, laced up with purple/white lace.

• She would carry a dark colored bag (that looked like those tote bags but is was bigger and the material was much more thicker) that leaked oil at the bottom.

• Her dress would have dry or fresh stains. She also reeked of oil.

• She started out as frenemies with Yeva,but they later became besties.

• The 2 would hang out a lot alone.

• Nori constantly visited Yeva at her house,but she never invited Yeva to her house. Since Nori was always sort of messy, and she was self conscious about that in the past.

• They both would probably talk all kinds of things.

• She would definitely teach Yeva 1 or 2 things about her AS powers,since Nori has more experience with her AS abilities than Yeva.

• Nori would sometimes speak russian to Yeva. Meanwhile Yeva would speak English to Nori. Just for the funsies.

• Nori actually met Baby Doll at some point! She even held her.

• I always thought of Nori as a more artistic oriented woman but EP3 seems to make me think of her more of the scientific side.

• So she is a bit of both but her artistic side is showed more often than her scientific side.

•Nori personally customized her own necklace and helped Yeva with it when it came to her bracelet.

Side Note: Ok wtf that was more than I expected jesus. Anyways yeah this is just like 5% of my interpretation and HCs if Nori…yeah I am

✨mentally not ok✨

#murder drones #nori murder drones #murder drones nori #nori md #md nori #murder drones nori doorman #nori doorman murder drones #md nori doorman #nori doorman md

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mandalorianbrainweasel · 1 year ago

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would u pls subject Gree to Spar >:D

Gree is talking to General Chewbacca of the Wookie forces when both he and the Wookie catch a high pitched whistling noise coming towards them. It’s not a missile whistle, but it doesn’t keep him from bracing himself and looking around.

Chewbacca, though, looks up and holds out his arms.

An armoured Mandalorian crashes right into the Wookie’s arms and then proceeds to laugh maniacally. “Thanks for the save, Chewie,” the Mando says as he’s sat on his feet.

Gree isn’t great with Shyyriwook just yet, but the droid he has helping translate tells him that Chewbacca’s answer is “Who tossed you off?”

Both look up at the trees above them.

“It’s more accurate to say I tripped,” the Mando says. Then, he adds, “While catching one of the younger ones who insisted on following us.”

Gree vaguely remembers hearing that there was some kind of right of passage happening that day, but he hasn’t met any of the group involved.

He certainly doesn’t remember a Mando being involved, though. “Uh, General Chewbacca?”

Chewbacca and the Mando both turn to him, though he’s sure that the Mando is hardly named Chewbacca.

“Do you want me to introduce myself?” the Mando asks with a wry kind of lilt. The more he talks, the more familiar his voice seems. It’s different from the clones’ flash-training influenced accents, but it’s familiar. Like a higher pitched Commander Bacara, from the holomeetings they have.

“<<Yes,>>” Chewbacca says, a word that Gree has picked up along with the words for no, please, stop, down, and careful.

The Mando sweeps off their metal bucket, revealing a face Gree immediately wants to describe as like if a clone were a woman, with a rounder face and longer hair and lots of jewellery. He heard there were women Mandos on Kamino, but he’d never met them, and he’d heard Fett had adopted a clone—did he pick up one who came out a girl? “I’m Akaanik’sha Fett,” she says cheerfully. “Jango’s my older brother. You can call me Spar, most clones do.”

Okay, so not the adopted clone. Or a clone at all, apparently. That fits way better with the armour and the jewellery. Gree can’t imagine even an adopted clone getting to wear things that most natborns, especially Mandos, find precious.

“I didn’t get to do the typical Wookie right of passage last time, well not the typical way,” Chewbacca nods at that, “the last time I was here, so since we have some time and we were back in the area, Chieftain Tarfful suggested I come along this time.” Spar smiles cheerfully. “I think it’s not meant to be.”

Chewbacca’s more complicated roars are translated again by the droid. “You have a warrior’s spirit, to help as you have.”

“You’re too nice, Chewie,” Spar says. Then she looks back at Gree. “Thank you, by the way, for your work here. I was more worried about getting someone off planet, so I couldn’t do much when the Separatists arrived here. You guys’ arrival, and then Commander Grey’s help when things followed us, were of great help to the people affected, and you’ve done good work here with the Wookie warriors. I’m proud of you.”

Gree’s been hit by plenty of droid fire since coming here. He’s gotten quite a few blows to the back by over-enthusiastic Wookies.

Those last four words are like a punch to the gut, more of a shock to his system than any of those. He doesn’t know why, but it is. It’s not something he ever expected to hear from anyone, especially not a Mando.

Especially not a Fett.

He swallows. “It’s, ah. It’s a real nice placement, you know?” He likes getting to learn about people so different from him. The Wookies have been incredibly accepting of the clone troopers stationed here, especially when he looks at his trips to check on those with the Trandoshan Army on Dosh. He gets to be as curious here as he wants and he’s learning a lot.

Spar smiles again. “Good.” She slaps Chewbacca hard on the back. “You take care of these boys, got it?”

Chewbacca laughs. “<<Of course!>>”

And then Spar is wriggling out of their way, headed back off into the village very purposefully and cheerfully, adjusting a Wookie bag over their shoulder as they swing and jump around.

“She’s…interesting,” Gree says.

Chewbacca blinks. “<<She?>>”

Gree blinks back at him. “Is Spar not a woman?”

Chewbacca considers that. The droid translates what he says as, “The Jedi called Spar he and him.”

Ah. Gree covers his face with his hand; this is embarrassing. “Don’t tell him I made that mistake.”

Chewbacca laughs again.

(I’m accepting clones to subject to Spar until Friday.)

#my fanfiction #alpha clone spar #clone commander Gree #chewbacca #ssitb #ssitb verse #ssitb verse au #Gree: I have no interest in Mando culture #Gree upon meeting Spar: I perhaps should have paid more attention to Mando culture bc wow I made an assumption #also Spar is actually saying Chew’i #they’re friends #minor ssitb spoilers

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bluepandastarfish · 9 months ago

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Chocolate Cake And Blood Wine: Chapter 1

A Lady D x OC

Living in the village was difficult.

As children we were all taught by a few village elders who had seen many examples of Mother Miranda and her 'gifts' but also punishments to those who did not follow her. We were split into girls and boys up until our 12 year of education where we were sent to marry or work, the boys were taught to farm and support their family. While us girls were taught how to cook, clean and how to look after their future children. All the while we were told that children were to be seen and not heard.

At the end of every learning day we would be brought together to pray and offer gifts to Mother Miranda despite the fact that the majority of us had never seen the deity ourselves. The woman had only ever shown her face during festivals or the birthdays of the 4 lords (except the Lord Moreau because the smell he brought with him was far too much for anyone but the lords to bare.)

I remember one of Lady Dimitrescus birthdays in particular, although I cannot specifically remember her age, where the weather had been incredibly walm and so her daughter's could come to the village as well. I was only 7 at the time but I remember quite clearly that while Mother Miranda was, loudly, chastising the lady for being late for her own birthday I ran away from my mother.

"Andrea!" I can hear mother hiss at me as I run toward the cake stall. She'll never catch me though I'm far to fast for those silly heels she wears. She's so stupid- she says a proper lady does not run. Lucky for me I'm not a lady yet.

I slip through the gaps between villagers and I can almost taste the cake when I turn back to check if mother has decided to follow me and-

"OWWWWWW" a high pitched voice wines, I've tripped and taken someone down with me… a triumph! I clamber to my knees to see who I had knocked over; 'maybe it's Oliver he always wines like a baby'. Although I'm slightly disappointed to find a strange mess of ginger hair and golden eyes staring up at me from the floor.

The people around us begin to get louder and briskly walk away towards the platform that holds the lords as me and this… I don't acctualy know what it is, stare at each other.

"I've never seen golden eyes before" I whisper as I mean into her face and stare her in the eyes, some people would think it's weird but I just want to know how I can get pretty good eyes like this… thing. "Why are they that colour? What are you because I read all about eye colors and no one has golden ones! Oh my goodness are you a fairy? One of the library books said fairy have golden eyes! But where are your wings? Are you pretending to be a fairy?!"

Although I expected it to admit to being a fairy or a fairy impersonator instead it starts giggling and kicks it's legs a bit. That's so rude! I bet if I told this things mother about how it laughed at me it would get told off so bad!

"Your not supposed to giggle! Stupid fairy-thing!" The thing just put it's hand over it's mouth for a moment before seeming to calm down. It took it's hand off it's mouth but still held a bewildered smile as it studied me with its, very pretty, gold eyes.

"Sorry tiny maiden, I didn't mean to laugh at you. But you're very funny" it then sits up on it's knees as well and now is taller then me,I don't like that at all. I stand and cross my arms over my chest as I glare at the laughing fairy thing. " And I'm not a fairy, I am a regular little human like you!" Well I find that incredibly hard to believe!

"No you can't be. humans can't have golden eyes because if they did I would have gotten some for myself." Speaking of getting something for myself I look over it's shoulder at the now deserted cake stall the chocolate cake look so amazing! "Anyway you better go fairy thing because I've got a date with that chocolate cake over there!" I March past it and don't turn around to see what it does as I approach the holy sweetness that is chocolate cake.

I come to find however, that the cake man has put a glass cover over the cake. Stupid! I can't move the glass, I'll drop it and then I'll cut myself and then I'll bleed out and die and it will all be because of the silly man who decided to hide his cakes behind glass! I kick the side of the stall and huff as angry tears gather in my eyes.

This is completely unfair.

I feel a gloved hand on my shoulder and shrug it off as I huff again. " do you need help tiny maiden?" The same high pitched fairy voice questions. "I can use my magical fairy powers if you'd Like?" That instantly stops me from crying as I who around and face her with a big grin.

"I knew it!- I won't tell anyone don't worry! I'll even share my cake with you if you help me!" the fairy laughed slightly before pulling the glove off her hand in front of her face.

Suddenly her hand flew away and became lots of tiny bugs! My mouth opened as wide as it could but snapped shut quickly as I diddnt want to catch any of the fairy fly friends. The fairy looked up to the cake and narrowed her eyes like she was concentrating as I turned to watch the flys as well. All of the fly surrounded the bottom of the glass cover and slowly lifted it up off the table and next to it on the empty part of the stool.

The fly drifted back to her hand and became her hand again. Silence insured as she put her leather glove back on and stared at me waiting for my reaction, almost nervously.

"HOLY-" She covered my mouth with the hand that turned into fly and smiled widely using the other hand to being a finger to her lips telling me to be quiet. Normally I don't listen to people but I kinda owe this fairy for getting me the cake.

She removed her hand from my mouth and lowered her other back to her side as she leaned down to my level. "We've gotta be quiet tiny maiden, my mother has very good hearing and she might think something's going on if she hears shouting" This just raises even more questions that my tiny brain can't comprehend.

Instead of telling the fairy that I don't care if her mother can hear me, I just nod slowly and whisper "would you like some chocolate cake fairy?" She pushes her lips together and furrows her eyebrows a bit.

"Fairys can't eat chocolate tiny maiden." What can I give her in return now? I only have a chocolate cake to give her. "But don't worry I have an idea! How about you promise to be my friend forever instead?!" She was far to exited about that idea for my liking.

"I'm not so sure fairy" she looked quite upset now " forever is a very long time, I might have to check with my mother if that's alright first- oh but I can't I promised I wouldn't tell anyone! Oh no what-" she giggled softly breaking my speech.

"Don't over think it tiny maiden. How about we tell each other our names first! That's what friends do isn't it?" I stare blankly at her because don't really have many friends unless you count my chocolate cake, but I'm about to eat that and I don't think you're supposed to eat your friends. "Well my books say that they do so lets do that" she holds out her hand sideways down to me and straightens her back. "Hello human child, my name is Daniela and I would like to be your friend" after a moment of silence she waves her hand up and down a bit and tells me "now you have to do it back".

I sigh and she smiles as I place my hand in hers "hello Daniela , my name is Andrea and i accept your offer of being friends" I shake her hand slightly and smile a bit up at her. She grins at me and shakes my hand with much more enthusieasum, but then goes still and turns her head to the side.

She groans and looks down at me with a small smile still on her face "sorry tiny- Andrea but I need to go my sister is calling for me, can you get home by yourself or do you need to be at the celebration?" To be honest I think my mother will have given up on me by now so I just turn around and carefully take the chocolate cake in my arms before turning back to her But looking at my chocolate cake, mouth watering.

"No, should be ok I know my way back thank you Daniela" as I look up I see she is no longer standing in front of me- in fact she's nowhere around me when I turn my head. But I'm not worried because I have my delicious cake baby to eat, so I skip home to devour my stolen good.

I look back on that memory now and think how lucky I had been. Since I was taken up to the castle to work I have been told of Lady Danielas various mood swings. Although I probably shouldn't take the other girl's words for the truth, most of the maids are so scared that they make up ridiculous stories (like how lady dimitrescu supposedly sleeps hanging from the ceiling like a bat).

I have been working here for only a month and a half which is apparently the expectancy for most of us, according to Ioana who's been working here almost 30 years. She's about the only one who's nice to me apart from the wood chopping guy but he is never allowed inside- under penalty of death. So I don't get to talk to him much unless I'm picking something up from him, he does buy things I need from the duke from time to time which Is very much appreciated.

The Ladies themselves haven't really caused me any harm yet. I think the closest I got was when I was about to enter lady Cassandra's bedroom to rekindle the fire and another girl who had been cleaning ran out with half her face practically scratched off.

That was in my first week. After that I was pretty sure the head maid didn't like me because the other new girls did menial tasks or stayed out of sight of the ladies until their first month was over (while I was sent headfirst into Lady Cassandra's bedroom). This incident also made me become extra fearful to avoid being seen by any of the ladies which, now I think of it, may be the cause of them never harming me; they simply don't know I exist.

Anyway, tomorow is the day I have the worst jobs on my schedule:

Breakfast 6:30-7

Polish banisters in main hall

Change bedsheets in lady Bella's bedroom

Lunch 11:30-12:30

Clean maids bathrooms

Help prepare ladies dinner

Dinner 6-7

Curfew 7

It's never too difficult, the time management is the worst part. Most of the time I end up missing the majority of lunch because the banisters in the main hall never look quite clean enough, but that's fine I just have more food at dinner.

Tomorow will go as well as any other Wednesday has, I'm sure of it.

____________________________________

Part 2

#lady dimitrescu x oc

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emaciated-creechur · 2 years ago

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I don't understand how people can want to look like clones of each other simply because it's popular to look a certain way other than just feeling incredibly lonely and desperately wanting to fit in, or having such low self esteem you let others decide how you wanna look. And I feel so sad for those people, cause they must feel so awful about themselves and think getting external validation will somehow make them feel better about themselves but it won't, it'll never be enough. Sure, getting love and support helps a lot but it won't make you actually change the way you see yourself in the long run, that's an effort you have to make for yourself.

Idk I guess I don't understand how some people can find other people ugly simply because of some random thing that has no baring on the kind of person they are. I think everyone looks so cool and beautiful and unique and it's so wonderful how different we all are! I find so much beauty in diversity, in how different people can be, whether it's their body type, their skin, their hair, their facial features or other qualities. I'd find it so boring if everyone looked a certain way and there was no variation whatsoever.

I only think someone's ugly when I find their personality and behavior ugly, but maybe it's just that I don't understand a lot of social expectations because of my autism, or maybe it's because I'm in the ace spectrum.

Yeah, I might not feel attracted to certain people, I still have a type, but that doesn't mean I won't appreciate the beauty of someone who's not my type, despite not feeling attracted to them.

I never wanted to look a certain way because that's what other people would find more attractive.

I've been bullied for having freckles, countless people have insisted over and over again that I would look better with straight hair and that they want to see how it'd look like ironed out, I've been told my body hair's disgusting and I should get rid of it, that I should eat more cause I look like a skeleton, that my head would look too small if I cut my hair short, people would constantly compliment my sister's eyes because they're blue while ignoring my brown eyes, I've been told that gingers are bad luck/a jinx, like a black cat, I've been told I would look uglier if I transitioned, because men are uglier than women, apparently, amongst other things. But it never made me stop liking those things about me, it just frustrated me how other people would pester me about it constantly and try to make me feel bad about things that I like about myself.

I think all my insecurities when it comes to my appearance and the way I present myself have to do with gender dysphoria. I've always found my breasts annoying and cumbersome, like a burden, because I can't wear a lot of what I want without having to find a way to flatten them cause they'd make me look like a woman, I don't like my hips being so wide because they give me this hourglass shape, I don't like my stretch marks or cellulite cause I relate it to femininity, or my period for the same reason and also because it's painful, a hassle and makes my body weak and tired, and I feel the need to lose weight because I want to get rid of those things.

I used to find my voice high pitched and irritating despite other people finding it low and pretty, and now that it's actually irritating to other people because it cracks constantly I fucking love it and I even crack my voice on purpose to laugh at other people getting annoyed by it.

That's also why, unlike other trans guys, I don't have height dysphoria either, despite being 162cm(5'3") tall, because there's lots of cis men who are really short and cis women who are really tall and they're all super cool and trans people are really cool too no matter their height. It's just annoying when I can't reach something that's too high up and I have to ask for help or get a stool or a chair to get it but it doesn't affect me on my day to day life all that much tbh, so I never really pay much attention to it.

I just don't like it when people call me short king, or king in general. Idk why it feels patronizing to me in particular. It's not that there's anything wrong with the frase, it just feels personally icky to be called that for me. I think it's because a lot of people tend to infantilize me, and being called short king just feels like another form of that in the contexts I've been called that. Like they feel sorry for me being short so they have to give me a cute nickname to make me feel better about it, like some king of consolation prize. They don't call tall men tall kings or something like that.

I never wanted to look like someone else, just a male version of myself. Whenever I felt like someone gave me gender envy, it was because they look like me but with a masculine body, the way I would look like if I was amab, or finished with my transition. Because then I'd truly feel like myself. Because I'm not a woman, I'm a man, and I want my body to represent that.

So I never straightened my hair and I always make sure it's extra fluffy and curly, I cut my hair whatever length I want and style it however I think looks the coolest at the time, I let my body hair grow and never shave it, I enjoy the sun against my skin and just wear sunscreen so I don't get burnt, I started taking testosterone, and I might get top surgery no matter if people think my breasts are already really small or that I should like them because people find boobs attractive, because that's what makes me feel more comfortable with myself.

I eat as little as I can because it makes me look less curvy, therefore more masculine, and because it's a coping mechanism and an eating disorder, something that's a literal metal illness and an addiction. Something I'm just relying on for support now that my life's so complicated, until I'm in a better place and can finally start working on recovery.

And I'm just so very happy that my body's finally looking, feeling and sounding the way it makes me the most comfortable, the way it's supposed to be: not because that's what others expect it to be, or what other people would find more attractive, but because it's finally starting to feel mine. I feel like myself when I see these changes, not like some random stranger in the mirror I can't connect with, some hollow doll body my mind happens to control, something I can hurt and neglect because it's nothing more than an object I happen to be trapped in, like a genie in a lamp.

That's why I always get so irritated when other people compare my transition and gender affirming healthcare in general to other cosmetic surgeries, because it's not like we're trying to escape who we are, or make our lives easier to become someone else, or look a certain way because that's what society expects of us, it's literally the opposite, it's us wanting our bodies to reflect who we truly are on the inside. And it offends me how people will convolute such different things on purpose just to make our lives harder.

Idk, I just wanted to rant about all of these feelings I've been having lately, both positive and negative, and how sad I think society putting so much weight on something that defines so little about someone's inner self as their appearance is, and how I don't understand how some people can just let themselves be guided by something so unimportant, how they can just let something so insignificant define so much of their lives and their relationships.

#body positivity #body neutrality #eating disoder trigger warning #male ed #trans ed #trans ana #ftm ed #transmasc #ftm trans #diversity #rambles of an emaciated creature

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gaithe-guy · 2 years ago

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Ok, Ok... I know it said to share in the tags, but this is a little long so I'll put it right here:

Alright, so my stance on other people "having the same name as me"... Well, in a way, I don't really mind, except for specific instances... Let me elaborate on that.

STORY TIEM!

Ok, so I am trans. ftm. I grew up in a very "sheltered" area, so I didn't even know about transgender or mostly all of the lgbtq+ community until I was almost 30. (I know, hard to believe, but my wife can attest to this as well.)

My dead name (first name that is) is a very popular name of children my age. WHY did my parents name this is? Simple... They couldn't decide on a name for me when I was born (they literally thought I was going to die, so they waited like I think around 3 days before finally naming me), so they asked the nurse what the most popular name that a lot of baby girls were given... and viola that was my name. My last name isn't that common, so I was rather unique with that part, but anytime in school someone would call the first name out... Like, eight of us usually would look up and ask who exactly our teacher was asking for.

I didn't mind this. I don't mind people usually having the same name as me... What I DID mind was when I got to college...

Here I am, a sheltered kid finally getting out of the house and going to college, get to my orientation, and the college I went to had this interesting thing during orientation for a group where you would get in a wide circle so you could see everyone and then introduce yourself. So here we go, getting into our circle - most of us thinking this is INCREDIBLY uncomfortable or "stupid" but we're required to do it so here we all are... People start introducing themselves, we're going around the circle, we get to the guy beside me (he looked exactly like Jude Law at the time and people were convinced that it was actually him), and then it's my turn.

I'm incredibly uncomfortable, shy as hell, anxiety and panic out the whazoo, and so when it's my turn, I say my full name (because I'm a complete idiot when I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack), say where I'm from, what I liked to do, and then look at everyone in the group. By this point, I am like a deer caught in the headlights, because everyone is looking at me with either wide eyes or jaws dropped open...

And it's this guy across the wide circle that is the first to speak...

"No way! You're the porn star!"

Naturally, at that point - being sheltered and everything - I was EMBARASSED AS FUCK when the word "porn" was brought up, and here I am, blushing madly, sputtering, and my voice when I speak next is SO high pitched I swear dogs were howling fifteen blocks away as I yelled out "WHAAAT?!"

"Yeah! You look exactly like the porn star and have her exact name! Dude, can I get your autograph and touch your-" before he could finish his sentence the TA that was in charge of us interrupted, and all I wanted to do was hide as all of a sudden the group COMPLETELY forgot the exercise we were supposed to be doing in order to start talking about ALL of the different porn movies "I had been in"...

To make one thing INCREDIBLY clear... I WAS NOT - nor am I now - involved in ANY porn movies, let alone a porn star... But damn they were all convinced I was and even started shipping me and the Jude Law dude together which is... ugh, no plz and thank.

It was THAT DAY that I HATED someone else having my name... like literally my EXACT NAME (first, middle AND last)... (true, it's just her "stage name", but holy hell). Most other instances, I wouldn't mind... But a porn star having your exact name... please let me just bury myself beneath a rock and die, yeah?

So yeah, I don't mind people having my same name usually... unless you're a porn star... Then I have an issue with it, because I don't want to be mistaken for you -I still get embarrassed about those kinds of things. Of course, that is now my dead name... But yeah... as you can see, that story time was a little too long for tags and I just had to share it with someone other than my wife.

#every once in a blue moon when people see my dl they ask me that question #because I haven't gotten a name change yet... going to this year hopefully #and every SINGLE time I blush and sputter

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queerrambles · 11 months ago

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Hey, this is gonna be a generalized asking for advice ask, for you or anyone honestly.

So I'm genderfluid, specifically I lean more towards transmasc in general or neutral, but I do experience a full spectrum and so I do lean femme at times as well. I'm the only one of my friends who's gender shifts, most of my trans friends have more of a binary or at least a stable gender, so I figured asking other genderfluid people for their experiences or advice on going on hormones as a genderfluid person.

I've avoided taking hormones or doing any kind of medical gender affirming because my gender shifts pretty regularly and hormones are pretty constant and permanent, but I've noticed that I'm much more generalized towards transmasc and neutral end of things, so I've been considering it again.

Most of my concerns lie more in the worry that if I do start on hormones, because my gender does shift, that dysphoria will be higher if my physical forms shifts (like with facial hair for example) when I present as more femme or even neutral realmed than the dysphoria I get currently when I'm feeling incredibly masc because I have a small enough chest I can do things like bind very easily, but I will never not have dysphoria when in those more masc states even binding, because I appear very feminine in general physically. I'm short, I've got a really high pitched voice, I am not boxy in any manner, etc.

So I guess idk, I'm looking for maybe advice, maybe experiences from genderfluid people who do go on hormones and how they deal with the new dysphoria that might arise from that, or even transfems specifically who deal with the kind of dysphoria you experience when you physically present more masculine but feel much more femme.

Hey!

So, while I am a transmasc genderfluid person myself, I've never actually been on hormones, though I've certainly wanted that. However, I'll share what I've personally been considering for myself, and maybe it will be helpful to you.

Something I would consider is going on a pretty small dose of T. This is called microdosing. Many people who microdose are nonbinary and have the goal of looking more androgynous. This could be helpful because someone who looks androgynous can still take steps in their presentation to look more masculine or feminine. This method can still have effects that could cause dysphoria for when you have a more fem gender, though, so I would do some research into this.

If anyone else has any advice, please add it in a comment or reblog! I'm also interested to see what other people recommend.

#queer answers #aceing-on-the-cake #genderfluid #transmasc #transmasc genderfluid #transition #transfem #trans #transgender #nonbinary #genderqueer #queer #<- just using lots of tags for more reach

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lordmayokcorner · 1 year ago

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OurR 『HaaAakkKKK!!!』 - Single Review

Image: Kpopping

I recently stumbled upon an underground Korean alternative-indie gem of a band, OurR, while looking through my Spotify. I immediately fell in love with their vocalist and guitarist Hong Dahye’s vocal tone, and as I listened further, began to fall in love with everything about the band’s style. The trio is signed to Happy Robots Records, a small British electronic music label. The group is based in Seoul, and have been active since 2018, a year prior to the single I’ll review today. Without further ado, let’s get into this A/B single, HaaAakkKKK!!!

HaaAakkKKK!!! - 7

This track would be better described as an A-side track than a title track seeing as it doesn’t really fit the general K-pop idea of a title track. It’s much softer and more subdued, following the character of OurR. It has a chill groove akin to a candle flame, occasionally flaring up as Dahye’s rasp comes out or a bass fill is carried up the mix. It continues in this way through an instrumental breakdown before Dahye comes back in and the Jinkyu on the bass does an incredibly placed downward arpeggio with the synth adding a syncopated groove. Dahye’s voice builds in pitch volume and most importantly strain, giving this part of the song a desperate tension. A high note followed by a bass pickup drops the tension to bring it down to a third chorus with more flavour and some vocable notes. My interpretation of the lyrics is a depiction of an interesting story from the perspective of an insecure and hostile person who wishes that the rest of the world wouldn’t write them off because of their tough exterior and instead take the time to try to see inside. An interesting theme that matches the soft and slightly melancholy feel to the song. I love the end of the track, but I feel like the first half is a bit redundant. I would love to see more energy throughout. It is a very well made song though, I’ll give it that.

Alone With You - 10

This song seems slow as it is in half-time but pulls along quite swiftly. Dahye’s vocals are beautifully on display here, with just some dreamy guitars and soft rhythm behind her. When she hits the top note right before the end of the chorus her voice breaks displaying that same sense of desperation in the most beautiful way. The way that the warm guitar and her silvery backup vocals cradle the main line is texturally incredible. The use of timbre throughout is nothing less than masterful. In the last chorus more dreamlike guitar lines enter and we’re blessed with a cycle of her hoarse high notes and beautiful smooth low notes. The build of this song is magical to say the least, using natural tension to carry it forward. The lyrics seem to describe someone who fears death as it approaches them yet is grounded in the knowledge that they will forever be together with their loved one as they drift away from the rest of the world. There is a lot of sadness and tension in that narrative yet also love and relief, reflecting the structure of the song perfectly. A truly incredible song.

Final Thoughts

I’m just going to go ahead and embarrass myself and say that I’ve shed more than a few tears in the process of writing this. I truly am blown away by the expertise of this group. I am rarely touched by lyrics, but the way that they weave the emotion perfectly into every aspect of each song makes it impossible not to feel something. Each member has a unique quality to their musical style that all work together excellently, though I’m most stunned by Dahye’s vocal technique. I’ll give the single an 8.5 as a whole, but Alone With You is definitely a 10/10 for me. I see it as their masterpiece, their magnum opus, however you want to say it. It perfectly encapsulates everything that I love about them. Their limited popularity is frankly shocking, though I guess I can see how it takes someone who’s really listening to be able to truly see everything amazing about them. That’ll be all for this one, thanks so much for reading.

- Maya

#song review #music review #review #kpop #indie music #alternative #dahye #no tag for this

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witch-hazels-musings · 3 years ago

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I'm curious of how characters would use their visions in the bedroom 👀 Like, Kaeya would totally do temperature control stuff.

Could I request headcannons or narratives for how Diluc and Albedo would use their visions for your pleasure? (or for theirs 😳)

Note: I believe vision can only be used when they are in the possession of the person they were gifted to ( primary reason: Diluc giving his away - if anyone could have used it he would have given it to his father, and if he didn’t really need it to use his vision, he wouldn’t have taken it back )

Warning -> slightly funny? 18+ OMG PLEASE RESPECT THE 18+! NS_FW!!!! ( foreign penetration, voyeurism (Alb), burning clothes, no injury, held against wall (D), orgasm denial, foreplay, hydro bondage, hydro foreplay, voyeurism (C))

Character X GN Reader | Anthology

( okay … so this one is gonna be the strangest one I’ve ever done?, and I’m apologizing right now for it --- i’m literally so embarrassed, ima hide under my desk DONT JUDGE ME T.T )

Includes: Albedo (i’m sorry), Childe, Diluc

Albedo

A vision in the hands of Albedo is a tool for many uses - he sees it less as proof of his power and more of a means to an end - it’s an extension of what he has available and he’s learned to adapt it to any possible scenario

Now he’s learned there are ways he can use it to satiate you while he continues to do his work - and, if he’s feeling especially devious, inquisitive to the point of combustion, he may just watch

“Alb--bedo …” You adjusted, legs pressed together so intensely that you thought you might break your kneecaps. Shaking hands gripped onto the closest thing they could while you did your best to stay seated just where he placed you.

“Try not to move too much, it will alter the drawing.” He sat with his leg resting over his thigh, the large sketchpad he had propped up there was bouncing vigorously as his hand ran across the paper. The pencil, when you could see it through your blurry vision, was dancing across the parchment in unbelievable speed as if to capture what was before it.

The vibrations that shook your body seemed to fluctuate from intense stimulation to slow, steady pulsations. Every dip in frequency allowed you room to breathe, your hands moved to your face, teeth bit onto your fingers as your hips rocked against nothing as they sorrowfully tried to help you get off.

“Be-do, please …” You whined, eyes glossing over as you looked at him. Did he laugh, did he smile at you, how heartless could he get. Under your rippling vision, you saw how it glowed brighter and richer in color, and yet, as if you didn’t comprehend its meaning, your hands flew down to grab onto the chair while the resonating stimulation grew between your legs. “Ah!” You slid further into the chair, your head resting on the back of the chair as your fingers gripped and pushed against the edge of the seat. Arching your back, lifting your legs up onto your toes you couldn’t help the moans and pants that fell from your mouth at an unreasonable pace.

“Hold that pose.” Albedo’s voice was calm even if the speed at which he turned the page wasn’t and, as you gazed at him you couldn’t help but lose your mind at the way he observed you. The intensity of it was so powerful that even though you knew he wasn’t inside of you, it felt like he was.

You crashed like a runaway cart into your orgasm, it shook you to your core, and even though you were screaming moments ago all that came out now was a high-pitched whimper. Deep breaths were all that you could take as you clenched around the object Albedo had placed inside of you, it was so hot that you started to pull at your shirt, and soon your hands found their way to the spasming place between your legs.

Albedo’s voice suddenly sounded much closer to you, his lips pressing to your forehead while his hand rested on the one you had near the object. “You did excellently, but I’d like to see more of you if I could, will you assist me again?”

In your dizzy haze, you glanced at his bright eyes and with a gaping, air-sucking mouth, you gave your reply.

��Childe

There was no need to keep his skills at manipulating hydro out of everything that he did, why would he when he was so beyond capable at making it do exactly what he wanted. Whether that be from creating blades out of it, spears in its likeness, or even shackles to hold people down - he was learning just how versatile water could be

How could he not give everything he’s ever wanted to try to his partner who had shown him on multiple occasions a level of trust he knew he didn’t deserve, and a willingness to let him do what he wanted -- you always gave him permission, and you were doing it even now

Your back arched as his hands slid under your pants. The way he touched you so perfectly made your vision go dark before lighting up under the stars. As soon as he put pressure right where you needed it, fingers bending and flexing to let you know how much control he had over you, the sound of pleasure and excitement that slipped from your mouth gave him access to the tongue inside of it.

He played with you, toyed with the tightness in your stomach. Every time you were about to break under his stimulation he pulled away just to watch how much you’d whine.

“Childe, please …” You shifted under him as he slowly, painstakingly began to remove your clothes. Each layer, every article which fell to the floor next to the bed felt like an eternity in your sinful sentence. The way his hands ran down your legs as he slipped off your pants, the sensation of his gloved fingers trailing down the center of your chest as he watched the way you squirmed and grabbed at his arm - he was enjoying it all and he had barely done anything to you yet.

“I’ll give you exactly what you need, remember,” He pressed his lips to your neck, your collarbone, and in the center of your chest before continuing, “If you want to stop, tell me immediately.” You nodded your head and he sealed your promise with a passionate kiss.

In no time, he had you exactly in the state he wanted you, his eyes observing the beauty and perfection that lay before him and as your own gazed longingly, eagerly back at him, you noticed how his vision began to hum. It pulsed like a glowing heart and in your curiosity, you reached your hand for it only to find it was impossible.

Tilting your head, you noticed there was a stream of water around your wrists. Funny, you couldn’t tell that your skin was wet at all. That’s when a new sensation began to work its way up to your legs and when you looked down to investigate, you noticed a swirling blue like rope beginning to creep its way further up your body.

“What’s …” The smile that stretched his lips and seeped into his dangerous eyes made it so hard for you to breathe. Your heart pounded in your chest, your stomach rippled with excitement, and the build-up in your body began to increase so much you were sure he was going to make you orgasm just from his stare alone.

“Ready?”

“Yeah, ready for wh-AH!” The flowing water reached your ache. The wetness of it made your body nearly seize as he worked its way into you. The moans and cries that left your burning throat were so loud you were sure someone was going to hear you. Desperately, you wanted to cover your mouth but your wrists were still locked above your head so instead, you tried to bite your lip but that only sealed in so much noise.

“My, how adorable you look like this.” Childe hummed, his hand moving to stroke your chest as he leaned down to pepper kisses against your throat. “Let’s push a little further, what do you say?”

The girth of the water increased and no amount of self-control was capable of holding back the scream released from your body. Your feet struggled against the mattress, futile attempts to assist you in raising your body off of the mattress came with frustrated huffs and whines in your throat. You called out his name and soon you heard the sound of rattling metal.

“Damn, I made myself jealous.” Suddenly, all the water around your body ran down your skin and before you could understand what was happening, Childe positioned himself above you and worked at finishing what his hydro vision started.

Diluc

He usually has so much more control - he had to learn in order to survive, but there were times, there were moments when all he knew was instinct and all he could do was feel

With you, these moments came up more frequently than he would have ever anticipated - there is no switch to turn himself off when he gets lost in your body. You learned to never get him so worked up while his vision still rested at his hip (things were bound to burn)

He backed you into a wall, his fever to have you was apparent by the intense way his hands ran over your body, tugged at your clothes, manipulated your hands with his. He was almost like another person, a delusion of himself. There was no way you could have known riling him up would lead to this and while it was incredible, the ferocity of him, the unreserved nature that he was capable of showing, it was also incredibly hot.

“Diluc wait -” You tried to reach for his vision but his hands plastered yours to the wall. His lips claimed any part of your skin that they could and the pressure of his body against you, the feeling of his growing and dangerous erection crushing against your stomach made every rational thought in your brain fall to the floor he hardly let you touch.

His strength always shocked you. For someone so thin it was often hard to remember that he was capable of it - even though you watched him fling his claymore around like it was nothing, even though on countless occasions he lifted you like you were a freshly sprouted plant; how deceiving his true abilities were to you and everyone else.

Your clothes began to cling to your body. The sweat dripping down your back, in between your legs, your neck all made you wildly informed his vision was active. You didn’t even need to see how it burned like a beating ember to know he was calling on its ability. He let go of your hands and began to work himself out of his jacket, undo his vest, and any other article of clothing he could all the while his mouth kept yours occupied.

The heat from his tongue was near scalding, how was he able to let this fire seep through every single part of his being - was he not experiencing it too? When his chest was exposed, your hands ran over his rippled torso and the question you just asked yourself was answered as you felt how slick he was becoming.

You pulled him closer, the resulting action making his body come into immediate contact with yours and the feeling of his cock digging into the soft and sensitive area between your legs made you burst in exclamation. Your head landed on the wall, hands slid around the hem of his pants and gripped so tightly onto them his hips pushed further into you.

“It’s hot, it’s so hot.” You panted, gazing at him and hoping that your words made sense. Your body was hot, everything was hot, but while you wanted him to alleviate the heat, you hoped he’d remove one primary cause of it.

Pinning your hands above your head, he quickly began to work on your pants. He wasted no time undoing the buckles and buttons that kept you clothed and as he helped you remove them there was a distinct smell filling the air. When you looked down, the fabric was starting to burn even with you still in it.

“Diluc! Hold-ah!” Struggling against him, you began to shake your lower body and in his complete daze, he slowly came back to realization. In an instant, he let go of you and grabbed the nearest item to him to put out the flames. He was on his knees, his black shirt tightly wrapped around your chard pants afraid that if he didn’t keep it there the flames would get worse.

“Y/N … I cannot apologize enou-” Your laughter cut him off, the expression he shot up to you was one of mass confusion as he searched for understanding.

“If I had known you were going to burn my clothes, I would have teased you without them.” He shook his head and tried to apologize again, his eyes dropping to your legs, assessing them for any damage. “I’m fine, you didn’t burn me.”

He wrapped his arms around your waist, his cheek pressing against your stomach as he held onto you tightly. Chuckling, you rested your hand on his hair and began to caress him, the soft movements reassuring him until he composed himself again and lifted back to his full height. Looking at his face, you could tell he was nervous, so you lifted onto your toes to give him a kiss of redemption.

“Next time, let’s leave this,” you reached for his vision and easily removed it from his pants, “out of the action. What do you say, hot-stuff?” His eyes narrowed at your nickname but agreed to your suggestion anyway.

( no one is tagged because I am too embarrassed to do that! )

#genshin impact #genshin impact X reader #genshin impact headcanons #genshin impact musings #genshin impact fiction #genshin impact 18+#albedo x reader #albedo #genshin albedo #childe X reader #childe #genshin childe #diluc X reader #diluc #genshin diluc #genshin impact diluc

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icannotgetoverbirds · 2 years ago

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tags from prev (storm-of-feathers):

image ID: Tags that read

#one of the best public speaking classes ive ever taken actually taught me how to use my autism in my voice#see its like writing#when we speak we have a Voice. a Way of talking and communicating and public speaking helps you like#hone in on that and fake confidence#one of the best lessons is that no one is a fully 100% confident public speaker so what you gotta do is be the youest you

Okay I feel like we should talk abt this actually. I was hesitant to mention my experience with this because I didn't want to talk over OP or be all like 'couldn't be me' or some shit, but this is worth saying.

Public speaking is not an impossible task for autistic people. It may not be a mountain worth climbing, and for some individuals, their circumstances may render it impossible. But autism itself does not guarantee that we can't do public speech.

(I am not saying that we should all learn this skill or that people who can't do this are limiting themselves in any way. I'm just stating that, for some of us, this is a mountain we can and should climb, especially if we want to! My experiences are not universal, ymmv, take it with a grain of salt, yadda yadda)

For me, giving speeches was incredibly difficult at first, because my teachers gave me an incredibly rigid structure to work with - I had to memorize and speak, word for word, the speech that someone else had made. I could choose whose speech it was, but every word that I fucked up or missed was points docked.

Therefore, there was a shit ton of fear and perfectionism intrinsic to giving a speech. I learned that I get stage fright when I'm the only one on stage (I used to play in an orchestra, so I don't get stage fright when I'm in a group), and assumed that there was no working around it. So it was a miserable experience that made me think I'd never be good at speeches, god forbid enjoy it.

Then, in high school, after learning a bit more about myself and getting to experience having a wonderful teacher, I found myself with another speech assignment. This time, however, we were to write our own - but the teacher wasn't grading the script or how well we stuck to it, just the speech itself.

So I learned that some people write speeches as bullet points, and decided to be brave and give that a shot. I learned that I could note changes in volume, tone, pitch, and gestures/movements in the margins, and that I didn't have to do it the exact same way every time.

I learned that it was okay to fuck up, in much the same way that you must learn to move on from mistakes when playing an instrument: the longer you linger on a missed note, the more likely you are to miss more notes. The longer you linger on misspoken words, the more likely you are to get flustered and struggle to continue.

It also helps that most people don't notice if you're not making eye contact with individuals in the crowd - if you look at the tops of their heads in much the same way that you'd observe natural scenery, it's much easier to look like you're speaking to them instead of something in the distance.

And when it came time to give the speech, I actually did decently. I wasn't any less autistic or anxious - I just had the right tools for me.

Education systems that prioritize a one-size-fits-all approach to learning are going to leave many students behind, especially neurodivergent/disabled students. Sometimes there's not really much you can do about it, but sometimes there is.

I can't really offer many solutions, and I don't necessarily want to on what looked to be mostly just a vent post, but if you're looking for them, knowing your needs and the tools you work best with is a great place to start.

Also, feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up if I like derailed this or whatever I just felt like it was important to share that there are tools that can help here, sometimes.

i hate public speaking classes cuz you’ll get counted off and lose points for showing symptoms of autism

#byrd chirps

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btsgotjams27 · 3 years ago

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All Grown Up ~ JJK | 4

✨ title: all grown up | series (completed) ✨ pairing: jungkook x f!reader | ✨ rating: R/18+ ~ minors dni ✨ genre/au: romance, fluff, angst, friends-to-lovers, humor, banter, smut, age gap, best friends little brother ✨ warnings: noona kink, older woman, younger man, kissing, oral (m,f), unprotected intercourse, significant age gap (9 years), confident Jungkook, cocky Jungkook, bratty Jungkook, crappy mom, but overall Jungkook is the sweetest, most romantic boy who's fallen in love | warnings for each chapter will vary ✨ author's notes: I won't be updating this series on Tumblr. This fic is inspired by the k-drama, Something in the Rain. ✨ author's notes 2: okay, so i do plan on editing the rest of this series! i just don't know when it'll be done. ✨ can also read on AO3 or Wattpad

[ SERIES MASTERLIST ] prev | next ✨ late night outing

✨ chapter four ~ on set | wc : 2.3k

After lunch, the two of you went back to the set, and you showed him around. He was curious about your day-to-day routine. He followed you around like a lost puppy. You found it endearing.

“Do you just sit here in case they need you?” he asked with his hands behind his back, gazing at the many people running around.

You noticed him standing incredibly close to you. Again, smelling the cologne that was fresh off of his skin. “I…I do more than just sit, okay?” you stuttered. “Sometimes, I have scenes to re-write, and I'm always writing down my ideas for other scripts.” You showed him the notebook held in your hands.

“Can I see what you have written down?” He inquired curiously, wondering what hidden treasures he’d find from the mind full of daydreams and reveries.

You tightly gripped it. “Oh…there are personal things in here too.”

His lips thinned out and he nodded, “Ah okay. Have you ever shared it with anyone else?”

You shook your head. “Not really. I typically like to keep my writing to myself.” You lied. You shared it with U-jin, but he never paid attention. You would be excited about a scene or an idea that you had and share it with him, but his mind was always elsewhere. After that, you learned your lesson and kept it to yourself.

“Maybe one day you'll be comfortable enough to share it with me?” His lips curled into a sweet smile. He'd love to hear what came out of that beautiful head of yours. He could sit for hours on end hearing you chat about the things you love.

“What makes you so special enough to see it, hmm…” you asked, teasing him.

“Well, I'll wait until that one day when you're ready to share it with me.” And he hoped it to be true, where one day you'd let him in and tell him all your hopes and dreams.

Someone tapped you on the shoulder. You turned to see Hee-jin, wanting to pull you aside for a quick chat.

"Um, I'll be right back. Feel free to grab whatever snacks you want from craft services." You pointed to the tent filled with every kind of snack he could dream of.

He looked back, and his eyes lit up. Snacks were his worst enemy. He walked towards the tent, leaving you to do your thing. The wide array of snacks, candy, and drinks made his mouth salivate, even though he was pretty full from lunch. Maybe these could be snacks for his office.

He cruised around the u-shaped table, grabbing what pleased him, someone behind him was trying to get his attention. He turned around to find Lee Sora standing as cute and innocent as she could be, puppy eyes and all.

"Oh…hello," he quickly acknowledged her and returned to wandering through snacks and candy.

"We, um…met earlier," she said in a sweet, high pitched voice, hands intertwined, legs crossed at the ankle. She was on her best behavior at that moment.

He hummed in response, not giving her any attention. She found it annoying, because most men did. Sora wondered why any of her normal charms weren't working on him.

She cleared her throat. "So…what do you do?" She tried to carry on a conversation, but Jungkook wasn't remotely interested.

"I work in the gaming industry," he said, with a muffled mouth full of chocolate chip cookies. The search for snacks continued. His eyes widened when he found his favorite, a small bottle of banana milk. He held two in one hand and stuffed another bottle in his pants pocket.

Sora glared at the fluffy haired young man standing in front of her, acting like a child who won a prize. She thought to herself, wondering if it would be worth it to try and get his attention again. It was clear that she wouldn’t be getting what she wanted.

You glanced in the direction where the snack tent was and could see Sora’s attempt to talk to Jungkook again. Words kept coming out of Hee-jin’s mouth but you couldn’t comprehend anything she was saying. You were laser focused on Jungkook, hoping that Sora wasn’t annoying him, possibly enough to make him leave.

“Hey Hee-jin…” You interrupted her train of thought.

“Yeah?”

“Can I get back to you about that revision? Give me fifteen minutes. I’ll be right back.” You emphasized to her before fleeing towards Jungkook and Sora.

She was trying her best to keep the conversation going but Jungkook wasn’t giving her any energy to work off of. They stood around awkwardly before she spoke again but thankfully you came to Jungkook’s rescue.

“Hey!” you said, out of breath because you ran over as fast as possible to save him from the clutches of Lee Sora. “Sorry that it took so long.”

Jungkook immediately turned to you, completely ignoring Sora. “Yah–you owe me.” He chuckled softly.

“Shut up. Come on. Are you good?” Staring at the huge mountain of snacks in his arms. “You have enough snacks to feed a whole village.”

“Want one?” He held out a box of chocolate pocky.

You shook your head and led the way out of the snack tent, leaving Sora speechless as you stole the one thing she was interested in. A smirk left your face, feeling high-and-mighty in that moment.

Jungkook chased after you, nudging your arm. “Thanks for saving me.” He could smell her desperation from a mile away, so he was glad you grabbed him.

You gasped dramatically, turning to him. “You mean you’re not head over heels in love with the beautiful Lee Sora? She was practically drooling over you.”

The two of you turned back to look at Sora. She was bossing another intern around again, but when she saw Jungkook looking, she straightened up and waved stupidly. You snickered at how desperate she was for his attention.

He shrugged. “Meh–I think you're more beautiful.”

“Oh gee-thanks.” It almost felt like a back-handed compliment because Lee Sora was beautiful. Everyone swooned over her when they were in her presence. You were a nobody, sometimes feeling invisible at work, surrounded by famous actors and actresses. Nonetheless, you could feel your cheeks warming up.

He cocked his head to the side, trying to get your attention. “You are .”

“Shut up Jungkookie.” You rolled your eyes and ruffled his hair before leaving him again to chase after you. It was hard to believe his words. You were sure he was just being courteous.

“Noona–” he called as he caught up to you. “It looks like you have a lot of fun on set. Thank you for showing me around. I should get to work, though.”

He was leaving already? You felt like he didn't get to see much. “You…You still have to work? I thought you were off.” What’s wrong with him? Skipping work? For what though? He could have come after work or another day when there were more fun things happening on set.

He chuckled. “No, I just took the morning off.”

You gently hit his arm. “Why did you do that?” It seemed a bit irresponsible but you didn't want to scold him. He was grown, he could do whatever he wanted.

He flashed a bunny smile. "Because I wanted to see you and because I can."

You smiled to yourself thinking about how he took time off to come see you. U-jin would never even if you begged.

"I'll see you when I see you?" he asked while checking his phone and then peering at you.

"Yeah…" You nodded and smiled. "Oh--my mom said to come by whenever to pick up side dishes."

"I'll call you when I come to get it, so I can see you too." Another smile left his lips.

You smiled stupidly as you watched Jungkook walk away, hailing a cab. It was the first good day you've had in a while. You hoped the days would keep getting better.

Jungkook was whistling happily down the stairs as he was heading to his office, when he bumped into his co-worker Jin.

"Someone looks happy." Jin guessed from how cheerful and upbeat he was today.

He didn't answer Jin but instead a grin was plastered across his face. He couldn't help but feel overexcited spending some time with you today.

"Are you just getting in?"

Jungkook nodded. "Yeah, I was hanging out with someone." Although it was brief, he wouldn't trade it for the world. Again, it's been a few years since he's seen you, his longtime crush, and someone who was newly single.

"Hanging out? As in hanging out with no clothes on?" Jin sent him a wink with a sly smile.

"Hyung, gross, not that kind of hanging out." Jungkook slightly shoved Jin.

Jin let out a laugh. "I don't know. I had to ask. Who were you with? A girl?"

"She's my Noona's best friend."

"Oh, not a girl...a woman, an older woman?"

"She's not that much older." He was trying to defend you and convincing himself that having a crush on you was completely normal, even though to some, there was a big age gap.

"I'll be the judge of that. How old is she?"

"Thirty-three," Jungkook said casually, attempting his best not to make a big deal of it because, to him, age was nothing but a number. The two of you were grown adults, and if you should happen to be interested in one another, then so be it. He never understood what the big fuss was about dating someone older.

"Thirty-three?!" Jin's eyes widened. "I'm almost thirty. She's almost ten years older than you?" Still in shock after hearing his answer.

"So…"

Jin leaned in closer to him, his hand covering his mouth so no one could hear their conversation. "Do you like her or something?"

Jungkook scoffed. "What? No, she's my Noona's best friend….that would be weird? Wouldn't it?" He asked, trying to gauge Jin's reaction. He low-key had a crush on you for as long as he could remember, but that was then and there's no way you would even see him as anything more right?

Hardly convinced, Jin chuckled and shook his head. “Uh huh--so you spent the morning with her with no other motive?”

He turned to his Hyung with a fake smile. “Nope, no other motive.”

“So you'll be okay if I asked her out then?”

Jungkook’s eyes widened. “Hyung--!” Exclaiming loudly, then he covered his mouth, realizing he didn’t mean to shout.

Jin laughed, leaning down to pat his legs. “Ha! I knew it.”

“It's been years since I've seen her and we just caught up with one another. Nothing more.” Truly, honestly, nothing but that…even Jungkook was struggling to convince himself otherwise.

“Okay then set us up on a blind date.” Jin teased him, wanting to get the truth out of him, once-and-for-all. He wouldn’t give up until he did.

“Hyung!” At this point, Jungkook began to pout.

“Wow, it's so clear that you're in love right now. You won't even set me up on a date.” Jin jokingly shook his head in disappointment, and then chuckled seeing Jungkook pouty and crushing hard on you.

“I might have a teensy crush on her.”

Jin wrapped his arm around Jungkook’s shoulder. “Ah, there we go. Thatta boy. You admitted it, it wasn't that hard, was it?”

He glared over at Jin. “Don't say anything.”

“I don't even know the girl--I mean woman,” Jin corrected himself, mocking Jungkook and his love for an older woman.

“Hyung!” Jungkook stomped his feet like a toddler who didn’t get what he wanted.

“I won't say anything. I promise. Go get her tiger,” he said, slapping Jungkook's ass as he stepped into his office.

After work, Yuna, your best friend and Jungkook's older sister wanted to go wedding dress shopping to get some ideas and as the maid of honor, it was your duty. With an iced coffee in one hand and phone in the other, you were mindlessly scrolling through Instagram while she was trying on wedding dresses.

Yuna stepped out in one of the poofiest, princess-looking dresses she could find. "What do you think about this one?"

"It's pretty." You commented without even looking up from your phone. It's not that you didn't care about your best friend getting to pick out her dream dress. You were just sulking about not getting to pick yours. She took your appointment since the bridal boutique had been booked for months.

"EARTH TO Y/N!" she exclaimed, glaring at you.

You snapped out of your daze and looked up at Yuna. "Ah, sorry."

"What is going on with you today? Are you good?"

"I saw U-jin today."

A chill ran down her spine, making her shiver. "Gross. Did something happen?"

"He was being his usual self, but thank god Jungkook was there. He saved the day." And he really did, you were thankful for that. You weren't sure how to face a cheating ex-boyfriend.

"Jungkookie was? Were you guys hanging out?"

“Oh--yeah, he wanted to see the production set, so he came to visit.”

Yuna smiled. “I'm so glad Jungkookie is back. I missed him so much and he's gotten so mature and grown. I can't believe it. Remember when my mom would make us babysit? He was so mischievous and always asking for sweets.”

You let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah…”

“Did you guys have fun at least even though you saw U-jin?” She asked while looking at herself in the mirror, trying to see if she liked the dress or not.

You thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, we did actually.”

✨ previous chapter ~ jungkook, the boyfriend...?

✨ next chapter ~ late night outing

#jungkook #jungkook fanfic #bts #bts fanfic #bts jungkook #fic: all grown up #jungkook fic #bts fic #jungkook smut #jungkook romance #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #bts x you #bts x y/n #bts x reader #jungkook noona

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twopoppies · 3 years ago

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hi! it’s music anon. for reference, I went to MSG III (oct. 18) and harryween II. and this is very long but HARRY AND EVERYONE WHO WORKED ON THIS TOUR DESERVE IT AND IM NOT SORRY.

1. I stand by EVERYTHING I said in my first message. the dynamic contrast. the pitch accuracy. the vocal control. talented brilliant incredible amazing show stopping—

2. the band. INCREDIBLE live. if not for a few changed arrangements or improvised solos, you would think it was a high quality recording. specifically remember sarah doing this cool double-time drum pattern towards the end of woman, and niji having a KILLER keyboard solo after mitch’s guitar solo for She. and elin holds every song DOWN on bass! everyone though, I mean EVERYONE, is incredible. not to mention, they have SO much fun! I have the biggest crush on elin, but I hear she’s taken :(

3. harry’s musical ability is seriously impressive. idk what the problem was at MSG, but for harryween night 2 he couldn’t hear a thing through his in-ears. even after they “fixed” it— i saw him run to the side of the stage a couple songs in and yell to a tech, “I still can’t hear!” but performance-wise, you wouldn’t be able to tell. he was basically relying on muscle memory and what he could pick up from the band. and that’s harder than it sounds! everything they play is wired directly to the arena speakers, but the instruments irl are all different volumes. the band can only hear the music as WE hear it (balanced and level-adjusted) through in-ears. and harry’s wasn’t working! if he was lucky, he could hear the drums and whatever bounced off the walls of the arena (and almost definitely couldn’t hear himself.) and yet, he pulled it off almost flawlessly! he only really got tripped up with toxic, but it was so much fun no one cared. would’ve been an impressive show regardless, but ESPECIALLY with that context. a true professional!

4. harry’s lower range is so, so gorgeous. i love a good baritone. usually tenors rule pop, so a lot of his songs tend to favor his higher range (particularly in recordings) and he does it well! but his chest voice…. I can only try to describe the quality. so warm and resonant, a touch husky (in a natural, healthy way). makes me think of a wood burning fireplace. i’d knit a blanket out of it if I could.

5. bonus because I wasn’t technically there for harryween 1: that stunning, stunning cover of somewhere over the rainbow. a very different vocal style for him. he sang it “straight” (lol— just means not a lot of riffing, many long held out notes). and god, his voice was so pure and supported. he perfected the pushes and pulls of his softer notes and soaring vocals. i cried (for multiple reasons) when i saw my friend’s video. he’s got a beautiful instrument, and his improvement over his career insane.

in summary: i’ve probably overused the word impressive, but there’s really no other word to use. an incredibly fun, beautiful, breathtaking show (literally— those 15 minutes of dancing could be an aerobics workout.) wish I could mail this to harry. I hope somebody is telling him, the band, and his creative team they’re really doing a phenomenal job! 💗

I fell asleep before you sent this last night, but ugh... THANK YOU!! I love hearing such effusive praise for his voice because I don't have to words to do it myself. That's crazy that his in-ears weren't working at Harryween 2 but he still sounded so great. I noticed he had trouble with Toxic, but I just assumed it was because he hadn't had time to practice enough. I should have known it was something else!

I hope someone out there is praising him and the band, as well! They're all just phenomenal. I love everything about the mix of people he's got on stage and I hope they stay with him!

If you want to read music anon's first message, you can find it here.

#harry's voice #harry's band #harryween 2 #love on tour ny 3 #music anon

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forcebewitht · 4 years ago

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You Must Really Be A Diamond...Because You're Still Shining For Me (Aftermath Overblot!Jamil Viper X Reader)

It had now been about an hour or two. Since Jamil fiercely kissed you. Since Jamil went on a rampage with the students as he Overblotted. Since your friends were swatted away like mere flies into the depths of the Scarabia Dorm. But, even still, Jamil kept you by his side and treated you like his little queen. And you, hoping that your friends would come and eventually bail you both out, simply played along. Jamil gave out orders to the Scarabia residents here and there, soon followed up by a sweet remark or brief quip to you. "Bring out the food and drinks! Today, we celebrate the day that simpleton of a sultan was overpowered and made way for someone more capable! Ahhh...I feel so refreshed...I've got an endless supply of magic…[Y/n], darling, won't you be a sweet little thing and tell those peons what you want? It also would make your Sultan very happy to hear your adoring words of praise once more~'' One of the Scarabia residents hung their head low, now groaning out a reply to the prior command like a zombie. Soon, the entire group was groaning out their praises, to which Jamil released a chuckle of triumph. "Hahaha...that's right. Tell me more about myself." Your nerves were shot, but nothing made you jump more than hearing some familiar voices pitch in. "You are incredibly handsome…" That voice belonged to Azul, who very swiftly yet soundlessly seemed to be slinking through the crowd towards you. Once he caught your gaze, he sent you a wink that seemed to relieve your prior stress. Grim was next, gently stepping around the crowds of Jamil's brainwashed Scarabia residents. "Tall...and dark…" Grim almost had a start when he looked at your current appearance, but given a slight head nod from you, he kept his mouth shut and kept going. Next was Jade, who was following closely behind Azul. "Your eyes are so angular...so intelligent…" Next was both Floyd and Kalim, who both flashed you bright smiles to ease your prior anxiety even more. "You're so fashionable~" "You look super strong, you know!" Nodding along with your friends, you gently pet Jamil under his chin. "I'm spellbound." Jamil's lips curled into a grin at you, allowing his head to turn. "Mmmmm...what a wonderful compliment…" Then, the other voices seemed to hit him all at once. His head snapped back over, his eyes widening in shock. "Geh- you're all-"

Jamil seemed utterly shocked to his core as he slowly stood up, having a snake curl around your waist and gently place you on the ground beside his throne. "I sent you all flying into the middle of the desert! How did you get back here so quickly?!" You were silent and quick to slink back over to your friends as they began to explain..well, more like boasting- how they used Kalim's Unique Magic to fill up a river, along with Jade and Floyd's eel forms, to swiftly swim back over. Upon seeing you standing back with your team, Jamil's gaze softened for a moment, as though he was truly hurt. Then, it hardened all over again as he released a growl. Kalim soon stepped up with a determined look, everyone else getting into their battle poses under your direction. "I challenge you, Jamil...for the seat of Dormhead you stole from me. I plan to take it back." Jamil folded his arms, his prior, cold gaze growing even harsher at Kalim's claim. "I stole it? Hmph...big talk! Even though you're the one who stole everything from ME!" You blinked a few times in shock, allowing your head to tilt. There it was again...that same, faint sparkle near Jamil's heart as you had seen with Riddle, Leona, and Azul's hearts before. Like it was calling out to you for help. A sudden burst of power caught your attention, your gaze flicking back up to Jamil's. "Let me show all of you a taste of my true power! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And with that, Jamil charged, already heading straight for Kalim. You were swift enough to dodge out of the way as Grim launched a fireball right at Jamil. It shot him right in the chest, the male releasing a grunt at the impact. His snakes flared and all hissed at Grim at the same time. With a swirl of his hand, one of them came off and began to swiftly slither towards Grim. It began to bite at the air, hoping to grasp the monster in its fangs. Grim began to run around in a circle, shouting something about not being a fan of the little pest in terror. Jade and Floyd both stood back to back, the two of them now launching their own attacks at Jamil. Jamil took the one from Jade but swatted the one from Floyd right back at him. The Tweel went flying into a nearby pile of carpets, to which Jade looked back to his twin to check on him. Once he was certain he was alright, given a thumbs up from beneath the carpets from Floyd, Jade continued his prior assault. Right after said attack, Kalim charged for Jamil, the two men now quite literally wrestling on the ground. Snakes began to nip and bite at Kalim, but the red-eyed boy held his ground. Using his Unique Magic, he began to pelt the snakes with water, making them hiss out in pain. Azul was swift to dart over to Grim, taking the head of the snake that was chasing him and crushing it under the bottom of his cane. Grim then turned, and with a battle cry, set the snake on fire. The snake soon dissolved into nothing more than pure ashes, to which Grim and Azul quickly high-fived and shared a smile for their efforts. Jamil soon kicked Kalim off of him entirely, now sending him flying right into the pile of carpets where Floyd had just been crawling out. The two boys collided with each other, now both Floyd and Kalim being within the pile at the same time. A snake curled around Jade's throat, now promptly choking the Tweel out. He began to choke, raising his arms and attempting to pull the snake off of him. You and Azul charged at the same time, Azul swiftly unlodging the snake from Jade's throat with his cane, and you smacked it down onto the ground with a nearby vase you had picked up. Shards of the antique flew everywhere as the snake hissed in pain. Grim charged over once more, setting this snake ablaze like he had with the one before. Once it was nothing more than ashes, Azul held onto Jade with an arm while you fished Kalim and Floyd out of their pile. Soon, your group turned their gazes onto Jamil, and they all began to fire multiple spells at once. Despite his overpowered state, Jamil was vulnerable due to his hysterics, like the others had been before. It didn't take long for Jamil to crouch onto a knee, those sparkles from before now seeming to trickle from within his very heart.

His voice was weak and pained now. "Number...one….I thought...I could finally be free…." Now grasping the light, you arose and dashed to Jamil's side. His eyes weakly flickered up to meet your own. You gently held out your hand with a warm smile. Silence passed over the dorm. While Jamil seemed reluctant at first, he eventually took your hand in his own with a tear in his eye. You took hold of his other hand, now swiftly pulling him to his feet and ripping him towards you in a hug. Though he was taken aback, the male soon hugged you back, tears gently beginning to cascade down his face. Your vision began to turn white as a light was cast over both you and Jamil, making your group cover their eyes. You knew what time it was. Soon, you could see the foggy images and memories begin to play out of Jamil's past, his voice strong and clear despite you feeling like you were underwater. You could hear both his voice as a child's and Kalim's along with him, your form soon being swiftly pulled through the various scenes Jamil's inner self played out. "The earliest memory I have is of my parents bowing their heads in submission to Kalim's parents...I loathed seeing them like that." You turned your head as another memory popped up, one of Jamil's parents telling him to keep a losing streak up to Kalim. Your heart wretched at the sight. Shouldn't parents only wish the best for their children? "Kalim's family is way above my own...which means...he is above me. Therefore, whether it's grades, athletics, or games...I can never allow Kalim to surpass me." The coldness and pain in Jamil's voice as he spoke was undeniable. Your gaze softened even further than it had before, for you could see Jamil's hooded form standing directly beside you now as he kept on speaking. "To keep pace with Kalim, I pretend to be incapable of anything." Another memory of Kalim and Jamil began to play out as the figure of Jamil beside you seemed to stiffen. "...You haven't beaten me. I've been letting you win all along. With that airhead look….pay attention, Mr. Oblivious!" Another memory began to play out, but this time, it was of both Crowley and Kalim speaking. Crowley mentioned something about...a transfer? You soon felt your opinions on Crowley begin to shift. Was he really so easily bought? "Adults always say the same thing. "I'm sure you understand". But, who is going to try and understand me?" Jamil's hooded head soon turned to face you, his body turning to follow suit. He looked exhausted and pained. Kalim's voice soon came through the memory once more. "We have to work together, Jamil! Okay! Ahaha!" Jamil's body and voice began to shake as his eyes were filled with utter rage at the mere sound of Kalim's voice came through. "...E-enough…" Kalim's voice soon came through once more, his voice even brighter than before. "Jamil is the only one who'd never betray me!" Jamil began to shake even more, now beginning to curl in on himself in rage despite standing up. "THAT'S ENOUGH! Kalim, as long as you're there….I-i…I'll have to live my life handing everything over to you! I-i….even I want to be...number...one…" Your lips soon curled into an inviting smile. You turned to face Jamil as the last memory faded out. Taking both of his hands in yours, you beam up at the boy. His gaze soon flickered over to meet yours, silent tears running down his cheeks. But soon, his legs crumbled and he fell to his knees. You caught him and held the male close, allowing him to silently sob in your arms. Your vision soon began to fade to black…..

"Jamil….JAMIL!" Kalim's voice was the first thing you heard as you began to reawaken. Your eyes fluttered open and you turned your head to the side. You and Jamil had both passed out side by side, still holding each other's hands. Soon, you begin to sit up as Jamil did the same. "Ugghhh….my head...where am…" Jamil slowly turned his head to you, then to everyone else. They were all crowded around the two of you. Everyone began to give their relieved statements, Jade and Floyd being the pair to help you stand completely. You hung back as Jamil and Kalim began to teasingly reconcile. Azul even began to praise Jamil on his tactics and intelligence and offered for the male to join Octavinelle, which Jamil declined with a wild smirk. Soon, you made your way over to a nearby fountain and sat down, letting your finger gently trace circles in the water below. The sound of footsteps caught your attention, to which your head turned. It was Jamil, who was now pulling his hood off. His gaze met yours and softened, the male's head now slanting at the sight of your figure. "[Y/n]. If it's not too much for me to ask….may I…" Soon gathering what he meant, you slid over for Jamil to take a seat. Jamil exhaled in relief, now taking his place beside you. His gaze soon trailed back over to the water as he seemed to carefully mull over his words. Thankfully, you were the one to begin to speak first. "If this is about the whole Overblot thing and the...lovely outfit change? Don't worry about it. I was fine." Jamil glanced over, already chuckling at your rather blunt statement. "Ah...you are rather bright. Although, I truly must...apologize for before. And...I know what you saw. What you heard. What you felt. We were both right there, after all. I….did not mean to lose my composure. You may hate me for that, little diamond...I will take it in stride." Jamil placed both of his hands onto his head, allowing his eyes to screw shut. You could have sworn you saw a few tears pricking his eyes. Glancing over to a blossoming vine nearby, you gently pluck a bright jasmine flower from the vine. Turning to Jamil, you learn over, now tucking this jasmine flower into his hair. Jamil's eyes flicker open in shock, his expression now a bit more loving than before. "....What...after all I did...you still…" He seemed to be at a loss for words. You smiled once the flower was in place, now taking both of his hands in your own once again. "Don't you worry, Jamil. I'm here for you. Now and always. Though I can't do anything about your struggles in the past, I can help you push through to the future. I've got your back." Jamil's eyes filled with tears once more, one breaking free from the rest and trickling down his face. He wipes it away with a hand, releasing a breathless chuckle at you. Then, he begins to smirk, now taking another jasmine flower nearby and placing it into your hair. "...Just know I won't go easy on you, either. I'm through with that." Jamil sent you a wink and you allowed your head to slightly tilt back in a laugh. "Ohhh, I didn't think so. I don't think I'd have it any other way. Just, promise me something? Don't turn into Medusa again, okay? Snakes are slimy." Jamil began to laugh right along with you at your quip, the two of you enjoying each other's company for the time being. Once your laughter had died down, you both met each other's gazes. Without a second thought, the two of you seemed to drift towards each other, a sweeter kiss than the one from before being shared. Jamil hummed into your lips as he gently cupped your face with his hands, a breeze being swept over your two forms.

As you both separated, Jamil's gaze had softened once more. "You must truly be a diamond, [Y/n]...because you're still shining for me."

((Hey Hey Hey, everyone! Its finally here! I had a complete and total ball writing this one! The pain yet eventual happiness is real here! Next up will be Aftermath Overblot!Azul Ashengrotto x Reader! Hope you all enjoyed and I hope you have a fantastic day~💖🌹

Fanart Link: https://www.zerochan.net/3013185

#disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland #twistedwonderland #disney #jamil viper #jamil viper x reader #overblot jamil #overblot jamil x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #original writing #twst jamil #twisted wonderland jamil

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abundanceofnots · 3 years ago

Text

a little (just under 2k) playground scene with Lip and Ian as dads, as per @pink--and--white's request. i apologize to all actual parents in advance.

“How the fuck did we get here?” Lip asks through a huff of incredulous laughter.

Ian shades his eyes from the sun, turning to his older brother with a look of mock concern. “Your memory that bad already, old man? We drove here.”

It earns him a stinging smack on his thigh.

“Asshole,” Lip retorts back. “You know what I mean.”

Ian’s eyes flit back to the scene before them. “Yeah, I do,” he confirms a beat later, his voice more earnest this time.

This, by far, isn’t a new feeling. Lip’s had the exact same thought pass through his mind countless times in recent years, always in a momentary flash of warmth that filled up his whole chest. It happens all the more often now over the most mundane shit, though.

The first time was, probably, when Freddie was born. Then Ian got married, and Al came along, and Liam got to a good school—and after that followed every other quiet (not literally) evening when the whole family gathered up in the kitchen.

In those instants, Lip would stall himself for just a second, getting lost in the overwhelming sounds and visuals, and think, what the fuck.

He’s getting soft. That’s it, most likely. He’s getting soft and sentimental, going on with his extremely unexceptional life, wondering how in the hell did a piece of shit like himself get so lucky, and slowly becomes someone he’d gladly punch in the face not too long ago.

It hits him hard again, this strange sense of pride and wonder, as he sits next to his baby brother on a bench overlooking a kids’ playground.

This one’s the real deal. Everything here is child-proof and clean, with no syringe or dogshit in sight. Frank or some random homeless guy aren’t lying in a drunken coma by the swing sets. There’s not even one bullet hole in the slide. And maybe it’s not so hard to admit that this is actually pretty nice. That this is them now.

Still, the whole thing is, without a doubt, totally ridiculous. Here they are, Lip and Ian—the college dropout and the ex-con, the true sons of the South Side—sneakily munching on their kids’ packed afternoon snacks.

“Dumb luck, I guess,” Ian answers Lip’s question after some musing and takes a sip from Toe’s pink-colored juice box.

Lip hmms before he bites into a baby carrot. “For us, or them?”

“For us. Definitely.”

They’re just two regular dads who carry around lunchboxes and always have a wet wipe or a pack of tissues at hand, ready to blow noses and wipe off residue chocolate from chins and hands. There aren’t enough words in the English language that would describe how incredibly ridiculous this is, because once upon a time, not too long ago, still, Ian wore a jumpsuit with Dav on the nametag and believed this was it for him, and Lip thought the only way to get through life was by drinking himself through the ordeal.

How the fuck did they get here?

“Freddie! Hey, Freddie!” Lip calls out to his oldest, who hangs upside down from the monkey bars, effectively ignoring him. “Fred!” he tries again with an annoyed sigh, and the boy finally remembers how his ears work. “Can you help your cousin on the slide?”

“Okay!”

With a swift motion, Freddie pulls himself up again to grab hold of a bar, unhooking his knees in the process, and jumps down into the sand with practiced ease. He then immediately gets into a run, coming behind the red-headed girl in black overalls who’s been trying to climb the gentle ramp on her own.

“What was that about?” Ian inquires amusedly.

“Early puberty, I think. He doesn’t want us to call him Freddie anymore. It’s Fred. No Fredster, no Fredtastic, definitely no Fredosaurus. Just Fred. Apparently, I went to bed, and my son turned into a middle-aged man overnight.”

“Oof. That’s rough.”

“Yeah. The next thing I know, he’s gonna get a neck tattoo and his first STI. Al, buddy!” His younger son Alvin, at least, seems to have no trouble with hearing. “You need help? Want me to push you?”

“No, I’m good!” the blond kid shouts back from the swing, and to prove his point, he pushes himself harder off the ground to gain momentum.

Lip scratches his forehead. “They don’t need me anymore,” he comments darkly. “I am officially a bother.”

“You’ve always been a bother,” Ian notes before he stuffs his mouth full of grapes. “Come on, Lip. Freddie’s eight. He’s not exactly packing his bags to leave home. He’s still very much a daddy’s boy.”

“I don’t know, man. When I remember what I was already doing when I was his age….”

“Yeah, but that’s different. They’re not like us. They don’t need to be, and that’s a good thing.”

Ian’s right, but the concept of normal as something desirable, something he doesn’t necessarily need to rebel against, is something Lip may never fully come to grasps with. And neither does Ian, even if he says otherwise.

“We might be getting a dog,” Lip says after a while, pausing before he sinks his teeth into a cheese stick.

“No way!” Ian smirks at him. “Look at you, perfect American family and shit.”

Lip snorts at that. He and Tami are pretty damn far from perfect. “You not thinking about getting a pet? A friendly rottweiler for Mickey, perhaps?”

“No. First, I gotta talk him into having another kid.”

That takes Lip by surprise. He knows Ian absolutely adores his little girl, his mini ginger twin that everyone got to call Toe, short for Tomato, but he also knows the whole story behind how she came to be.

“Oh, yeah? You’d like another?”

“Yeah,” Ian admits, and as his eyes drop to his lap where his fingers fiddle with a paper straw, Lip realizes he sounds ashamed about it.

“Not as easy as poking holes in condoms with you guys, huh?” he jokes to release the sudden tension.

“Hah. No.”

“You told Mickey yet?”

Meeting his brother’s eyes again, Ian gives a noncommittal shrug. “I hinted.”

From experience, Lip knows that hinting in Ian’s case almost exclusively means Mickey is fully aware of his intentions and just chooses to ignore them before Ian confronts him head-on.

“Hopefully, you’ll have another girl,” he tells Ian after a quiet moment filled with children’s high-pitched screams and the steady screeching of a swing set. “It’s a lot more physical with boys. These two are already fighting like we used to.”

“Doesn’t really matter when you’re raising a Milkovich,” Ian remarks before yelling: “Hey, Toe? You wanna have a sip of your juice for me?”

The girl waves at them eagerly as she slides down the bendy chute. Getting to a run right as her feet touch the ground, she comes to a jolty halt in front of them, taking a good, hard look at the juice box as if only now realizing what’s expected of her.

“No, thank you,” Toe then peeps and skips off again.

“Polite,” Lip appraises.

Ian gives a low chuckle. “Fuckin’ weird, huh?”

“With Mickey as her dad? A little.”

They watch the kids play for a few minutes. Ian offers to exchange a cheese stick for three grapes, and Lip negotiates it up to five before agreeing.

“You think he’d be against it? Having another kid?” he asks Ian mid-chew.

“I mean, I wouldn’t blame him, after all the shit with Terry. Maybe with a second kid, he’d think there’d be twice the damage he could do. Dunno,” Ian surmises uncertainly. “I know how hard it was for him to even want a kid, and I get why he was scared. Don’t get me wrong, I’m shitting myself every day when I think of the ways I could fuck this up. But he’s a great dad. You saw him with Toe. She’s obsessed with him. The way she laughs at everything he says makes you think he invented comedy or something.”

Lip’s aware that their conversation turned sort of serious once again, but he can’t help not breaking into a smile. “Sounds like you’re kinda jealous of your husband there, Ian.”

“Oh, I hate his guts,” his brother confirms, only partially kidding. “I’m a fun dad, too, you know.” As if on cue, a figure coming their way catches his attention, and Ian nods to where his daughter’s playing, telling Lip: “Okay, watch this.”

Mickey gestures at Freddie with a finger to his lips, coming around the slide just in time to catch his daughter in his arms with a victorious roar.

“Daddy!” Toe announces the good news to everyone around with a loud squeal.

Ian gives his brother a pointed look.

“Fuck, man,” Lip huffs with mock seriousness. “You tellin’ me she loves her dad? What a nightmare.”

“Yo, lunch ladies.” Mickey suddenly approaches them with Toe at his hip. “How ’bout less chit-chatting and more kid-watching? Think I’d remember if I left my kid with a giant fuckin’ bruise on her forehead this morning.”

“Yeah. She’s had a bit of a scuffle with Alvin earlier,” Ian says, reaching out to soothingly rub Toe’s calf as if said scuffle and the tears it brought weren’t already long forgotten.

“The hell’s he doin’ fightin’ someone half his size?!”

“She started it!” Lip counters weakly.

“Okay.” Mickey’s mouth hangs open for a minute before he finds his figurative footing again. “I guess she had her reasons for that. And you should teach your kids to not fight dirty.”

“I go play now,” Toe informs him then, putting a stop to his rant and his bad mood in one go.

“Yeah! You do that!” Mickey replies as he puts her down, matching her level of enthusiasm. She heads for the extensive pirate-ship-like construction this time, watchful cousin Freddie already on her heels, and Mickey drops heavily next to his husband, letting out a prolonged groan into his hands.

“Tough day?” Ian asks needlessly.

“Igor’s a fuckin’ idiot.”

“Told you he was.”

“And I agree, so drop it, a’ight? Hey, by the way.”

“Hey,” Ian echoes before they exchange a quick kiss.

Mickey notices the juice in his hands then and perks up. “That raspberry?” he checks after he’s already snagged the box for himself, taking loud slurps from it to get every last drop. He finishes off with a belch. “Fuckin’ love raspberry.”

Lip finds that anything he’d say at that moment would only spoil the natural fucking beauty of it, so he just appreciates with a private snicker.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Toe yells from the top of one of the pirate ship’s smaller slides. “Come play!”

Mickey pats at Ian’s thigh. “That’s on you, man. I’m beat.”

Putting his fun-dad face on, Ian heaves himself up without a complaint. “Hey, jellybean! Do you think your dad can fit on the slide, too?”

Toe shakes her head vehemently, giggling as she watches Ian jog toward her. “No, daddy! No! No!”

“What, you don’t think I can?” Ian asks again, halfway through his climb up on the board. “Well, take off your socks now because they might get blown off! I’mma fit!”

“Daddy!” Toe howls with laughter as he bumps his head on one of the low railings.

Beside Lip, Mickey imitates the reaction, both his hand and the phone he’s holding with it to record a video visibly shaking. When he notices Lip staring, his grin falters a little.

“These two jokers,” Mickey complains after he ends the recording. “She always laughs at everything he does like he invented comedy or some shit.”

Lip answers with a knowing smile, his chest feeling full of warmth.

Seriously, how the fuck did they get here?

#toe fic 🍅#my fics #gallavich fic #shameless fanfiction

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