#i have an appointment at noon and instead of getting ready (11:10 reads the time) i blacked out for 30 minutes to draw this

[darlinjester]

Fanart I drew of party poison dying in a glue trap

[captainillogical]

Devil’s Ballroom Ch.6

A year after the events from the earth’s final attack, Little Homeworld is finally complete, and there’s a new jazz bar where gems and humans mingle and drink. - As you’re typing back a reply, someone pulls the stool out next to you and takes a seat. You see a sliver of pink out of the corner of your eye as you try not to actually Look. Oh god. It’s her. God can’t help us now.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants

(have some tooth rotting fluff ya sluts)

You spend your weekend lazing about the house and playing games with Alex, trying your best to not obsess and overthink everything that happened with Spinel. The both of you agreed to hang out in another 3 days, and you’re really eager for the next couple of days to pass. She didn’t tell you what she wanted to do, so you’ve been waiting on a response for nearly a full day by now. She wasn’t kidding when she said she didn’t use her phone much. You try to spend your time concentrating on building your tower in your minecraft server with your friends, when you hear a rustling noise from your headset, indicating Alex was back from grabbing food. You hear him set a bowl down on the desk and he picks his headset back up.

“Ugggghhhhhh.” He starts. “I was gone for like, 5 minutes and some creepers blew out the side wall of my fucking chicken coop..” You hear him chew whatever the fuck he was eating.

“That’s what that was? I thought I heard something in the distance but ignored it. I’m too far away anyway.” You reply. “I’m adding more floors to my tower. Wanna go get me more wood soon? Because I’m starting to run out.” You hear him scoff.

“Why do you always make ME go and get more wood? I wish Harper was here so she could be your supply bitch instead. Do I not look fucking busy here? First of all. I’m eating, Y/N, you brat. Second of all, I’m trying to repair my STUPID CHICKEN COOP. There’s like 60 chickens all LOOSE here and homeless!” He cries. “I have some acacia if you want it, but that’s all I’ve got to spare.”

“Yes, I’d totally love some ugly orange wood to break up all the NICE colors I have going on in here. Fuck off with your acacia.” You say, checking your inventory to see if you even have an axe. You hear your phone chime 2 times, and quickly grab it off your desk to see what it is. It’s just 2 texts from your dad asking you to pick up his prescription from the store. You sigh audibly.

“Whoooooo was that?” You hear Alex say. Nosy bitch.

“Just my dad.” You roll your eyes and say. “Wants me to pick up his prescriptions tomorrow.”

“Why’d you sound so disappointed, then?” He asks, and you can tell he’s up to something. Bastard.

“I’m not disappointed, stop trying to read my emotions.” You say. “You always do this when you think you’re onto something.” “I am onto something!!” He whines. “I can tell you’re hiding something from me, Y/N. You know what happens when you hide things from me? I find out, one way or another.”

“You’ll get nothing out of me, and you won’t find anything.” You say, deadpan.

“HA!!! So there is something.” He says, smug. 

“Okay you little shit,” You sigh into the mic. “It’s literally nothing. Drop it.”

“I bet I can guessssssssss.” He giggles, and you’re considering blowing up the rest of his chicken coop.

“I doubt it.” “Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…” He says into the mic, obnoxiously.

“Nope.” You say. Desperately trying to steer this elsewhere.

“Isssss it….” He continues, “Maaaaybeeeeeeee…. Spinel?” He asks, his voice pitching in that certain way when he knows he’s fucking right.

God fucking dammit, do you hate your friends. You can’t even hide anything for 2 days.

“No.” You argue.

“You’re a fucking liar Y/N, and I know you’re being difficult on purpose.” 

“Nooooo. Fuck you.” You give up. He’s going to be annoying until you give him what he wants.

“That’s my girl.” He says smugly, and you can hear him chewing again. 

“When you come home, I’m punching you in the face, I swear to god.” You threaten.

“Don’t be cute,” He says. “Side note, by the way, I’m actually coming home this week instead of the end of next week. Some of mom’s clients had to move their appointment forward due to some other things, so we get to go home early this year. I am SO FUCKING READY to be home at this point. Being able to only hang out with my brother blows.”

“Yesss,” You answer. “Now if only Harper got her ass home.”

“For real,” He burps. “Anyway. Back to what I was saying.” You were hoping he’d drop it. “Spinel. The gem. What's the deal with her?"

"Nothing." 

"Really? Because the other night you said otherwise. Did you even get her number?" He asks, accusingly.

"Of course I got her number, I'm not an idiot," You retort, mildly insulted. "She just hasn't texted me since our initial text last night. We made plans to hang out, since she hasn't done much around here, but hasn't given me an update on what she wants to do."

"It's been less than a day. Why does this have your panties in a bunch?" He prys.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Do you liiiiiike her?" He sings obnoxiously into the mic. You consider hanging up the call for a brief moment, but you know that he'd absolutely call that one a defeat, so you yield. You just sigh, again.

"I don't know. Kind of. She's funny, and sweet, and really easy to talk to. Also she's really pretty." You admit. “I don’t think I’ve got on with anyone that quickly, like ever.”

“Do you seriously have the hots for an alien?” Alex asks, amused. “You can’t judge me!” You yell, slightly miffed. “You think xenomorphs are sexy!”

“THEY’RE JUST SO CURVY, OKAY. AND THOSE TONGUES!!” He wails in reply as you laugh at him.

“I’m just saying! At least she’s fairly normal looking.”

“You mean, humanoid. She’s a gem. Don’t they have weird powers or something?” He ponders out loud.

“Not the point, and besides,” You interject, “I’m not too sure she’s even interested in anything like that, anyway.”

“Like what?” he responds, taking another bite of food.

“You know like.. dating, humans, girls..” You mumble, checking your phone absentmindedly.

“Well, ask her?” He says casually.

“Are you shitting me? No.”

“Pussy. Want me to ask her?” He asks, teasingly.

“Don’t even fucking talk to her.” You scoff. “You will fuck up everything, I’m sure.” Your phone buzzes, and you open the notification to see that it’s a text from Spinel. Oh my god finally.

    Spinel: Sooo, I’ve decided it’s gonna be a surprise. 

    Y/N: That’s unfair!

    Spinel: ;)

“What does that even mean!?” You accidentally say out loud.

“What does what now?” asks Alex immediately.

“Hold on,” You say, and take a screenshot of the text. “Sent you it. This is all I get, apparently. Cryptic. She gives me absolutely no signs.” You hear Alex’s phone ping on the other side, and then him chuckling.

“Yeah, you know what? You can figure this one out yourself, Y/N. You’re smart.”

“I hate you so much right now.” You sigh in frustration.

“And you’re gonna hate me even more, because I just remembered I promised my mother I’d help her with something. Bye!!!” He says and hangs up the call, leaving you sitting there. Ughh, this guy. Whatever, you think to yourself. You have other things to do anyway. 

But not before you blow up his chicken coop.

~

You spend the next two days at work letting the days pass painfully slow, with only the occasional text from Spinel. You’re not exactly overwhelming her with texts as is, as you also don’t want to seem too eager or desperate. So far, you only know that what the two of you are doing is casual, so to dress normal. You don’t even know when, or where the two of you are meeting.

You’re near the end of your shift that went from 6 hours to 10, thanks to Mr. Smiley leaving early and having you close up Funland by yourself. Tomorrow is the day you agreed on with Spinel, and with no answer still, you shoot her another text.

    Y/N: So when and where tomorrow?

You wait for an answer for a few minutes, double checking all the tills you closed in the meantime and wiping a few surfaces down. You hear your phone ping, and you check it.

    Spinel: Is noon good for you? Don’t worry about the where part yet.

    Y/N: You're driving me nuts. Just tell me where we're going.

    Spinel: Nope! ;)

Frustrated and amused, you finish the rest of your closing duties and clock out for the night. You grab your things, lock up, and head home. You spend the rest of the evening playing games with Alex, and have a hard time falling asleep, when you finally get around to it.

You wake up around 11:30 in a panic, completely aware you slept through your alarm. You check your phone, and Spinel's left a message about half an hour ago. You open it.

    Spinel: I'll meet you at your place around 12 ish. Okay?

You quickly type out a reply.

    Y/N: You got it.

You turn your phone's ringer on, and toss it on your bed to go and take a quick shower. You haven't even figured out what to wear. You finish your shower in like 5 minutes flat, towel yourself dry, and blow dry your hair. She said casual, you do casual best anyway, but why does this have you nervous? The fuck is she planning? Why is this secret? You're trying to keep yourself together while sorting through your clean clothes, attempting to find anything that works together. You have pants, and you're deciding between a sweater and some shirt when Jellybean jumps into the laundry pile, and you sigh out loud. 

Get it together, self. You grab the shirt. 

You put on a small bit of makeup - just eyeliner for the most part, and you walk downstairs to lounge on the couch and wait. You’re replying to a couple texts your father has sent you when you hear a knock on your door. You lay there for a moment, nervously, before getting up and heading over to the door. You check the peephole just in case - yep, it’s Spinel. You open the door to greet her.

“Hey,” You say, feigned casualness.

“Hey yourself. Ya ready to go?” She asks, leaning against the doorway. 

“Can I put my shoes on?” You step away from the door for a moment, and grab your sneakers.

“If you think they’re necessary.” She jokes, watching you.

“I could walk around barefoot, but it’s not really in the forecast today.” You lace up your shoes, and look over to Spinel. She’s got her hair up in a ponytail again today, and she’s wearing a light sweater and jeans. The collar is a bit wide, so you have full view of her neck and collarbone. She’s so fucking soft looking that you have to force yourself to stop staring. You also notice that she has a medium sized bag with her, contents completely obscured. She notices you looking at her bag, and moves it behind her shoulder. You think you see her hand shaking, but when you look a little closer it isn’t, so you dismiss it.

“No looking. That’s still a surprise.” She smirks. 

“You’ll have to tell me eventually.” You say, deadpan. You grab your bag from the table next to you, pocket your cell phone, and lock the front door. You turn to look her in the face. “Alright captain, where to?”

“Just follow me. We’re walking today.” She swivels around to face the street, her hair swishing from shoulder to shoulder. Ugh, she’s cute. You hate how easy it is for you to like her. You push down your feelings, and catch up to her side so you’re walking with her.  You pass by a couple houses, the air warm and slightly breezy. 

“So what have you been up to the last couple of days?” You inquire, looking around at the cars passing the two of you by, heat rising off the pavement.

“I fixed the wall that I ruined the other night, but only because Lapis was sending me increasingly threatening texts about it.” She replies, angling her face towards you. You catch her eyeing your hands for some reason, before quickly looking away.

“Yeah she seemed really miffed about it, almost like you committed a personal offense.” You say, laughing. You turn right at a street corner, and notice that you’re heading towards the beach. Hm.

“She can’t complain about it anymore, though, since I did such a nice job on it.” She adjusts the bag on her shoulder, and you hear a few items move against each other, but you can’t discern what exactly. “The diamonds have also been bothering me on my helping them with some homeworld event, but I’m not sure I’m keen on assisting them with it. They have the pearls for that.” 

“What did they want you to do, anyway? Don’t they have like, thousands of gems under their reign to help them with whatever they want?” You feel your hand accidentally brush against Spinel’s twice, and mumble an apology before putting your hand in your pocket. You catch her eyebrows furrowing for a second before she smoothes out her expression. 

“I honestly think they just want me there just to have me there. I don’t think they’re coping well with the fact that I actually want some space.”

“Well, they can calm down. Tell them to fuck off.” You say, joking, for the most part.

“Why don’t YOU tell the diamonds to fuck off, and see how well that works out for you.” She replies to you, grinning. The two of you are walking on the boardwalk now, by the beach. It’s pretty nice out, sun high up in the sky, a couple of fluffy white clouds around.

“I like being alive.” Spinel snorts at that, and you can’t help smiling. You feel like just being around her in general makes a permanent smile take residence on your face. “So. We’re at the beach. Are we having a beach day? I didn’t bring a swimsuit.”

“No, we’re not going to the beach,” She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “We’re not even done walking, sheesh. Impatient.” You continue to follow her, and soon the two of you are walking the path that leads to the lighthouse by Steven’s house. You have no idea what she wants to do up there, but you shut your mouth and continue to follow. You’re both pretty quiet on the way up, concentrating more on the steep walk than on talking, but it isn’t uncomfortable. It’s easy, even. 

Once you and Spinel reach the top of the hill, she sets her bag down, and turns to you.

“We’re here.” She’s grinning and looking proud that she made it all the way up here.

“At the lighthouse. You’ve never been here?” You ask, confused. Her face falls, slightly, and you panic. “I’m not saying I didn’t want to come here, it’s nice! I just figured you’d like, I don’t know, want to go bowling?” 

“Steven said I should create better memories for the places I have bad memories attached to.” She says, looking at the ground and not meeting your eyes.

“You have bad memories with the lighthouse? But wh- oh.” The injector. Her arrival. You’re an idiot. “I’m sorry, I’m dense sometimes.” She meets your eyes and gives you a /look/ like somehow, she knows this already. Okay, ow. She bends down and opens her bag, and pulls out a little knit blanket, large enough for two people to sit on.

“So, maybe I’ve wanted to do this since seeing it in a movie I watched 2 weeks ago with Steven and Amethyst..” She trails off while unfolding the blanket and putting it down. She grabs her bag and sets it down on one of the corners, and starts to pull out what looks like 6 containers of food, and a thermos. After setting everything down, she looks up at you just standing there, a bit nervously. “Are you gonna sit down?”

“We’re having a picnic?” You look at her, breaking out into a slow grin. She flushes immediately.

“Don’t make fun of me.” She pouts, crossing her arms over her chest, and purposely turns her face away from you. You kneel down next to her.

"How can I not, when you always react so cutely." You tease her, feeling bold. You grab the thermos and examine it, but the contents aren't discernable from the outside.

"Remind me why I chose to do this, willingly?” She turns back to face you, glaring. “Because you liiiiiiike me.” You grin, wiggling your eyebrows at her. She sputters and her entire face reddens, and you laugh. 

“A-anyway,” She grabs two of the food containers, clearly trying to change the subject. “I made some food for the both of us. Steven taught me how to make a couple of basic things, but I didn’t taste test any of them.” 

“Oh, so you can poison us both at the same time?” You grab the container, and it has what looks like potato salad in it. “This looks fine, I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.” She leans closer to you and peers into the container, shrugging. 

“I don’t know much about human food so I wasn’t sure if it looked okay. I don’t have a whole lot to go off of.” She grabs two forks and sticks them into the container. “Let me at least open the rest of these before you try that.” She unstacks the others and opens them, setting down sandwiches, pasta, some cut up fruit, some cheese and cured meat, and some cookies. Damn, she outdid herself. You weren’t expecting all of this, or.. any of this, at all really. This was actually pretty well thought-out.

“Spinel. This all looks so good, the hell.” You say, going for one of the sandwiches and taking a bite. Ham, cheese, spinach, tomato, and some mustard? It tastes just fine. “Tastes good, too.”

“Thanks.” She sheepishly pulls out the other sandwich and takes a bite, shrugging. “Kind of hard to ruin a sandwich, though.”

“You know what? I’ll let you find the truth about that on your own. Believe me when I say, you can ruin ANY kind of easy food.” You say, taking another bite.

The two of you eat in silence for a couple minutes, while you gaze out at the sea. This was a good idea. The warm breeze makes your hair tickle your face, and you push some of it behind your ear. You see Spinel staring at you, and turn to make eye contact. She turns away swiftly. Hm.

“So,” You say abruptly, startling her a bit. “I’ve never asked. What’s your favorite color?” She laughs out loud at the sheer banality of the question.

“Hmm, you know,” She pauses and sets her fingers on her chin, thinking. “It used to be pink. Now.. not so much.” 

“Your new favorite color could be like..” You trail off while looking around you, and you spot a couple of small wildflowers nearby. You point them out to her. “Yellow, like that.” She scrunches her nose.

“No, too bright. Maybe I should go for something more cool-toned.” “Don’t you already have a few other colors you like? You know, you can’t just choose a favorite color. You gotta actually like it.” You say to her, eyebrow raised. 

“I like plenty of other colors! I just don’t know yet, I guess. Ask me again in a week.” She replies. “Anyway, you never answered, so.” 

“It’s pink.” You say.

“What?” She says in disbelief.

“Yeah, you know. Like your gem.” You take a couple bites of some pasta. It’s nice and zesty. She’s staring at you like you’ve grown another head. “What?” You say with a mouthful of food. “It’s always been my favorite. Dad used to get me everything in that color.” You think you see her cheeks redden, but you’re too busy eating to really notice. After a few moments, you hear a ringing noise coming from Spinel.

“Huh.” She says, and pulls her phone out of her pocket. You glance at the screen, and it’s Blue Diamond. Spinel stares at the screen for a few brief seconds, and swipes the call away. She pockets her phone again. “Yeah, I’m not in the mood to deal with that.”

“You think she’s calling about needing you over at Homeworld?” You ask her, poking at a few pieces of pineapple. She shakes her head.

“Probably.. maybe. I have no idea, actually. But I’m in a good mood and I don’t want her to ruin it.” “Yeah.. that’s fair.” You chew your food thoughtfully, and stretch your legs out in front of you on the blanket. With the sun above you, and the food settling in your stomach, you honestly just want to lay down and take a nap. “I could call her back if you wanted, and like, I don’t know, tell her off?” You offer, and she laughs.

“I don’t think Blue would take it very well, especially coming from a human, and one she doesn’t know.”

“Offer still stands.” You say. “And besides. She's never met me, so."

"I think it's in your best interest to maybe steer clear from their bad side." 

"You don't think I could take on a couple of aliens!?" You say in mock offense.

"Do you have any special powers I don't know about?" She smirks, and uncaps the thermos. It looks like some sort of soup inside. 

"I have this uncanny ability to make people fall in love with me." You reply as she's taking in a mouthful of soup, and she nearly chokes on it, sputtering. 

"You have got to be the most ridiculous human I have ever met." She says while wiping her mouth, and sets the thermos down in front of her.

“I’d say the same to you, but I’ve spent enough time around Peridot.” At that she laughs super hard, and you grab the thermos and take a small sniff. It’s a homemade chicken soup with some vegetables, which is pretty safe by all means, so you take a sip. It’s probably the best you’ve tasted in a while, honestly. “You know, this is actually really good. Most of the people I know can’t even cook at a basic level like this. And they’re human and need to EAT to survive, which is pretty ironic,” You pause to take another sip. “That a gem is more wife material than most of the humans around here.” You kind of realize what you just said after it came out of your mouth, so you quickly shove some potato salad into your face to hide your embarrassment. You hope she didn’t pay too much attention to that bit at the end.

    You chew your food nervously for a moment, before looking up to meet Spinel’s gaze. Her face is comically blank, like she forced any expression off it, and she’s staring in the general direction of your mouth.

“You’ve got something on your cheek.” She states, and points to the corner of your mouth. You wipe off your face, and give her another look. “It’s still there.” You wipe again and raise your eyebrow at her. “It’s, ugh, let me,” She says in frustration and leans right over into your personal space, swiping the corner of your mouth with her thumb. You feel your face heating up immediately, and mutter a thanks to her. She only leans back slightly, very much still in your personal space, and smirks at you.

“W- what?” You stammer, like a complete fool.

“Nuthin’. You’re just cute when you’re all flustered.” She replies, grinning at you.

“Cute!?” You all but yell in response, and give her a small shove to the side playfully. You guess you caught her completely off-balance, because you just managed to tip her over, and she’s howling in laughter much to your distress. You’re watching her fit of giggles die down as she’s holding her sides, half of her face pressed into the grass. 

    Something deep down kind of clicks in place that you’ve been trying and failing to itch at for months now. Watching Spinel’s gem sparkle in the sunlight as she lays there, catching her breath, you think that maybe, it would be so easy to fall in love with her. And maybe you have already, just a little.

    The two of you spend the next hour or so making various amounts of small talk with the occasional bout of teasing each other, before you agree that it was time to head home. 

    The walk back is nice, and you find yourself cherishing your time with her quite a lot. You don’t really want it to end, but you do have to run a couple errands after this. You turn to Spinel walking beside you.

“Do you wanna hang out again soon?” You ask her. She looks a bit surprised that you asked again, but pleased nonetheless.

“I’d love to.” She smiles. “Do you want me to be the one who chooses what we do again?”

“No, let me choose this time.” “Mmm, yeah, okay.” She bumps your shoulder with hers on purpose, her ponytail swinging lightly.

“Also, you should text me more. I’m going to spam you with pictures of Jellybean, and you’ve got to look at all of them. Otherwise, we’re not friends.” You bump her shoulder back, and she snorts.

“I think I’m getting the hang of human tech, so.. I’ll try my best.” She replies as the two of you pass by a couple of houses leading up to yours. “Today was fun, by the way. So.. thanks for spending time with me.” The both of you walk up to your front door, and you turn to face her.

“Don’t thank me. It was all my idea anyway, and you just went along with it. I’m just happy you agreed to try something new.” You say to her, reaching for your keys. 

“You’ll keep in touch, yeah?” She nervously fiddles with the hem of her shirt, not meeting your eyes.

“I’m gonna text you in twenty minutes. Count on it.” You move to unlock the door, struggling to get the key in the deadbolt. Once you wiggle it enough it unlocks pretty easily. You turn to say goodbye to Spinel, and you feel something soft and warm on your cheek. She pulls away so quickly you barely catch it.

“I’ll see ya soon!” She shouts, already at the end of your driveway, and keeps walking until you can no longer see her.

You stand there with your door open, completely frozen on your porch. You get your shit together after a few moments so the neighbors don’t stare, and head inside. You close the door and lean against it, unable to comprehend what just happened. You pull out your phone to text your friends.

    Y/N: Can one of ya’ll bastards call life alert.

[asuitcaseofmemories]

"There’s a Storm in my Head and it’s Killing all the Flowers.”

I've been relatively vocal about having anxiety. I've had a LOT of people message me with support, suggestions, and pure curiosity. I'm always happy to answer what I can... Because though I realize my truth is the same as countless others. I also realize many of them suffer in silence. I think the more I share my struggles, the more others can hopefully understand what their friends, family, and loved ones are going through. I decided to give a brief glimpse of my thought pattern for just a simple trip. I went to Shanghai, which mind you I have been to at least 6 times now. Here ya go...

Tuesday

Okay I really have to get moving on those train tickets for Thursday. I open my computer and search for tickets to Shanghai from Hefei on Aug 31st. My appointment is at 1, so if I leave by 10 that will be fine. No wait, I can't eat breakfast before or my anxiety will make me throw up... I should leave earlier then get lunch there. Yeah, I need to eat I guess. I'll book the 8:00am train which means I have to catch the 7:00 subway and wake up at 6:00.

Okay this train station is closest to where I want to eat. I write down the date, time, and train number. I'll book 3:30pm return. Oh god, what if they're running behind and my appointment goes late, or the line at the subway is long, or I get on the wrong one on accident, and then miss my train? I better make it for 5 just to be safe. Shit, I need to have the concierge order these before the seats are taken... Excuse me while I check 3 different times to be sure he has the correct train info. He's annoyed.

I get the tickets and I immediately check the time, date, and train number.. Phew they're correct. I put them in my purse and go to walk away... Wait! Maybe they're the wrong station, better check them, again. Okay, they're right. Wait, maybe I have the stations confused? It is a big city... I better Google it to be sure. Okay all set, no worries!

Wednesday

11:45pm- I'm falling asleep but I suddenly realize that I NEED to plan out my day so I'm not late for anything. I check the address for Shanghai Station for the 8th time. I get the street address for the place to eat (in Chinese) justttt in case the subway is down or something. Remember I did see an article a month ago where that did happen. It will probably happen again, could be tomorrow. What's the subway station nearest to the restaurant? Hmm I better cross reference that 5 times. Google says that will take 32 mins on the subway, it'll take at least 10-15 minutes to buy tickets, another 5 minutes to walk from the station to the restaurant... Okay so I'll get to the restaurant at 11:04. It's only a half hour cab ride to the doctor from there. But wait, maybeeee traffic will be terrible. I should  leave at noon instead of 12:30... just to be safe.

Okay, now I can go back to bed. Wait... Hmm I better look up the address for my doctor in Chinese... Just in case the cab driver can't read the business card font. Maybe I'm being silly? No I'm not, that's happened before. Do it. Okay go to bed. Wait! How am I getting back to the train station? Okay Google says it's a 35 minute cab ride, but it's probably 50 with traffic. That means I should get a cab by 3pm. I'll get there by 4 and the train boards at 4:37, and the security line could be long...

I feel better, now I can sleep. Wait... What if I can't get a cab? I took the subway from there last time. It was like a 13 minute walk, but I can't remember if I had to switch lines. Was the ticket line long there? Shit I can't remember. I better double check the line number and stop for the train station, again.

Seriously it's 2am and I have to get up in 4 hours. I finally begin dozing off, then I think "what's the weather going to be like?" I better check my weather app. It doesn't say it's going to rain, but maybe it will. Oh no I left my umbrella at that restaurant tonight.

Maybe I should've packed my backpack tonight, what if I forget something tomorrow? Okay I need to pack my passport, cash, tissues, sunglasses, glasses (in case I need to take my contacts out), eye drops (ya never know), contact case, coins for the subway, headphones for music, water, my iPad... Am I forgetting anything? Yeah you're forgetting to sleep. Go to bed Jess.

I feel the satin of my eye mask brush my face as I pull it on, and I take a deep breath. Why am I so nervous? My palms are sweating and my heart feels like I just ran the mile for the first time. I literally JUST did this trip 2 weeks ago. I went to the same area for lunch and everything. *1 hour later* I lift up my eye mask, after not sleeping a wink. What time is it? 3:30am. I pull my eye mask back on then immediately tear it off. WHAT. How is it 3:30?? Okay if I fall asleep now I'll get 2.5 hours of sleep. Go to bed.

One hour later I rip off my eye mask in panic... Shit did I set an alarm? I better check its for AM not PM. Okay good, it is. I close my eyes... Shit... Am I sure 6am is early enough? Ugh stop worrying and go to bed. I toss and turn for a bit and finally start to doze off. Great, now I gave to pee.

After the chill of the cold tile woke up my feet, I made my way back to the bedroom and slowly climbed back into bed. Shortly after I doze off, Corey's alarm sounds. That means it's between 5-5:15am think. A second alarm goes off... It's probably 5:30 now. Maybe I can sleep for a half hour.

I hear the shower start and think BUT maybe I should just get up to be sure I have everything around in time?

It's 5:45am and I am scrolling through my phone making sure I have everything screenshot for directions. I make a detailed itinerary down to the minute in my notepad, just to be on the safe side.

6:00am and my alarm blares as I'm holding it in my hands. Great, I feel like I'm going to puke. Why? Why didn't I sleep? I'm hungry. I wish I could eat but I will definitely get sick. Maybe I'm already going to get sick? I need coffee like yesterday. I should wait until I get to the train station otherwise I'll have to pee between here and there and I don't have time for that. But I'm so thirsty. No-don't drink anything or you'll have to go. I glance out the window. Ughhh why did I forget my umbrella yesterday? It's raining.

I begin getting ready and panic hits me. Why do I feel like I can't breathe? I'm literally putting on blush. Nothing is happening. Oh my god I'm having a heart attack. I AM NOT. But maybe I am, that does happen. I Google "symptoms of a heart attack" and "symptoms of a panic attack" ...again, like I don't do this everyday. I should really just bookmark them. Ugh why's this always happen to me?

I do a breathing exercise, that I don't have time for, because if I don't I'm surely going to DIE. My heart has slowed and I can finally breathe normal, but all that anxiety just wrecked my stomach for the day. Yay, that will be great to deal with. I'm out of Imodium which I'm basically taking as a multivitamin at this point.

I glance at my watch, shit! I've got to go or I'll be late! I put my hand on the door handle, and quickly remove it. Now I'm rummaging through my bag to be extra sure I have everything, again. I am meticulous as I rearrange the pockets I have my belongings in. Someone could steal my passport if I'm not careful! That does happen sometimes.

I push the down button outside the elevator 15 times for good measure. What's taking so long? I hear the ding of one arriving, and I get in. I glance at my watch- Yes, I'm on time! The elevator begins to slow and I immediately remember that time a few weeks ago when it briefly stopped working between floors with me and Corey in it. Oh god I'm going to die! Oh never mind, it's just someone on the 10th floor. Oh god I know him. "Good morning Jess!" "Hey, heading to work?" ... That's a stupid question. Why would you ask that? You know the bus leaves at 7, what else would he be doing? He definitely thinks I'm an idiot right now, because I am. "Yes" he replies. Lord, these last 4 floors feel like an eternity. I want to tell him I almost puked on him for a second there, but I just say "have a good day" instead.

It's 6:52am, and I know the subway leaves at 7 on the dot... The subway is right there, but naturally I'm freaking out anyway. I run down the large flight of stairs faster than necessary ... Oh no it's 6:56 what if it leaves early (Realistically I could take the next one and be fine)? I run down the next flight of stairs too. The sign says 4 minutes until the subway car arrives, obviously. I pace back and forth as I skim over my itinerary in my phone, for the 4th time this morning. I feel like a lunatic and now I look like one. I gaze at the map to ensure I know my stop, which is named Hefei South Railway (duh). I count the number of stops 4 times for good measure. I look at my watch. 7:00am, the subway cars are here.

I get on and grab an empty seat without making any eye contact. I slowly pick my head up and everyone is looking at me. Please stop. Maybe they're staring because my music is too loud? I dull it to the minimum and after a few moments I peek again... No they're still staring. I'm very aware of my skin's surface at the moment and it feels like it's crawling with a million tiny legs. A shiver goes up my back and I swallow much too loud for this silent car.

Shit, was that one stop or two? I was too focused on the million legs that I lost count. Ugh I can't see the map from here. Why did I sit here? Maybe I should I get up and look? No. I don't want this lady to think I moved because she sat down; I know my stop's not for 20 minutes. Plus if I stand I'm guaranteed to have to pee. I argue with myself for 10 minutes and begin to panic that maybe I missed the stop.

All the atoms in my body feel like they're about to burst into flames. I kind of wish they would. I can't take it anymore! I'm getting up reading the map! I'm sure the panic is evident on my face as I quickly remove my ass from the bench. Oh, I still have three stops. I better just stand here next to the door; maybe they'll stop staring at me if I squeeze into this corner? Nope. In the door's reflection I can clearly see all of their watchful eyes and heads on a swivel. Why does this subway car feel like it's closing in on me? I can't breathe. Am I going to cry? Because I feel like I'm going to cry. No really I can't breathe right now.

I close my eyes and pray to God to have pity on me and make me invisible to these watchful eyes. I hear the automated baby voice over the intercom talking; my stop is next. The subway arrives at Hefei Station and the I hear the hiss of the doors as they open. No sooner and I'm gasping for air as I catapult myself out of the car at a speed you'd think I was trying to escape death. I mean, it felt like I was. Phew, I did it. I almost hyperventilated for a moment there. Okay, no really...where the fuck's the bathroom in this place?

Step one of 40, but I did it.

So if you don't have anxiety you're probably like WTF is wrong with this chick; seriously who worries like that? Well, I do... And chances are many of your loved ones do too. This is just a glimpse of the hell going on constantly in my brain- just a snippet of ONE topic. My brain rapid fires thoughts like these, on countless subjects, ALL day long. It is exhausting, and frankly getting out of is a miracle most days. Sleep evades me at night, and consumes most of my days. I can't remember what it's like to feel "normal" and not feel this hell. This is just my daily, constant anxiety... not even a bad panic attack. Traveling used to give me the MOST enjoyment. Even though it's harder than hell to get to that destination, I push myself to get there. I have my bad days, weeks, sometimes months... But I will not let anxiety or depression control my life.

If you're out there struggling and feel crazy in your head...just know we are crazy together, and I like to think I'm a fun time.